#which i forgot to sign up for
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I am not neurotypical enough to deal with tomorrow
#cleo.txt#what do you MEAN even after doing mass and listening to some fuckass speaker#i have to do some stupid ass ''wellness'' courses like chair yoga and shit#which i forgot to sign up for#so i don't even know what I'll actually be doing
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"Stillborn? No, still born" Danyal au -- VLAD MASTERS THE BITCH HIMSELF
*Points at Vlad* THIS MFER GOT SOME TEEFS TO HIM. !! Okay okay, Vlad Masters in the stillborn au is different compared to most of my other aus in the fact that I am far more heavily leaning into his original ambitions of wanting a family and being desperately lonely. Because you know what wanting a family implies? Wanting to be a parent.
Fucked up father figure that could've been Vlad. Complicated love-hate relationship between the only two halfas in existence.
Danny hates Vlad, but he hates even more that he's genuinely considered his offers of mentorship. Vlad is the only halfa around, and they both have fire cores. Danny has these powers he doesn't understand, can barely comprehend some days, and can't control. But Vlad does. Vlad can. And Vlad wants to help him. He's the only other person who can get close whenever Danny runs too hot. Whenever his igneous hair cracks, splits, and spits back out into magma and his friends can't get close, Vlad can.
His hair is made of magma, which runs so hot that people need specialized suits in order to get near it. He physically cannot get close to the living as a ghost unless he's calm enough for his hair to cool into igneous rock. Which isn't as often as he would like. And sometimes he's too hot for other ghosts to get near unless they have fire cores -- which Vlad has.
There have been many times when Danny's having a meltdown (literally) and gone somewhere to be alone, to let his anger and hurt and loneliness overflow and spill out, that when he's come back to, Vlad's right there with him as an anchor. It's desperately frustrating, it's the only time they can get along. They don't say anything, Danny just turns and clings onto the only person he can touch as a ghost.
Its not fair. Vlad wants to kill his foster dad, and Danny can't let him do that. But he wants to be trained by the man, he wants his help and wants what he can offer. But Vlad can't step away from his revenge long enough to let him. It's just not fair. He thinks for a moment that maybe it could work, and then Vlad does something to remind him that no, it can't.
Vlad Masters sees too much of himself in Daniel Brown -- from the way he holds himself, to the defenses he puts up, his quiet anger that builds and builds and builds until it explodes. That simmers beneath his skin. All the way down to the fact that they have matching cores. This boy is cut from the same cloth as him, and by god does he want to help him. He's always wanted to be a father, and Daniel Brown is too much like him for him to ignore. He genuinely, truly cares about Danny and his wellbeing.
He wants to help him, child just let him help you. Let him kill your foster dad so he can adopt you himself and help with these powers that terrify and intrigue you -- he knows what that's like to have something that you can't control, to have a heat that you can't cool down from. "We're in the same boat you and I, let him help you please."
But his methods are all wrong, and Danny is too much like him -- stubbornness and all -- for him to agree when they oppose each other so greatly. But again, Danny is much like him -- which means that Vlad is equally stubborn, and in every single one of their fights he's parental. He's annoyingly parental. He drops his interest in Maddie to focus his efforts in trying to coax Danny onto his side. It's like trying to get a traumatized cat to trust you, and on some levels it works. It's like he makes some progress, and then moves too quickly and the cat immediately runs off and you have to start back from square one.
TL:DR; Vlad and Danny both want to find family in each other but they're too different to get along and ultimately they are doomed by the narrative to be at constant odds with one another unless one of them is changes, and it doesn't matter who.
#dpxdc#dp x dc#danny fenton is not the ghost king#dpxdc crossover#dp x dc crossover#vlad masters#danny fenton#vlad masters the father figure that could've been#its TOXIC your honor#stillborn? no still born au#stillborn danny au#danyal al ghul au#parental vlad masters#*points at Vlad and Danny's canon relationship* I CAN MAKE IT MORE COMPLICATED#vlad also has magma hair but he's managed to figure out a way to keep it cool enough to stay as igneous rock. which danny wants to figure#out how to do. Vlad's happy to teach him but Danny is just. too angry all the time and his core too young for it to work. He's too angry.#This also means Dani just straight up won't exist in this au or if she does her reason for being needs to change because Vlad making Dani i#a sign that he's given up on trying to convert Danny to his side. which THIS Vlad will not be doing.#if she exists in this au Vlad made her in order to give Danny a blood sibling for him to bond with and hopefully help convince onto his sid#which means Dani probably doesn't betray Vlad because Vlad does genuinely care about her too. Their dynamic is even MORE complicated#tldr: Vlad: LET ME ADOPT YOU | Danny: STOP TRYING TO KILL JACK AND I'LL CONSIDER IT#Vlad: HE ICED ME OUT OF STARTING A FAMILY AND HIS INCOMPETENCE RESULTED IN THE DEATH OF A CHILD. NO. | Danny: THEN FUCK OFF#Starry looks at Vlad's original ambitions and goals (wanting a family + revenge) and extrapolates on that. he was far more interesting#before DP made him standard power hungry and evil imo#Danny calls vlad 'dad' once while concussed and delirious and vlad never forgot it. he rode that high for a MONTH.#FUCKED UP PARENTAL FIGURE VLAD Bruce has competition and doesn't even know it.#hey. mister wayne. bruce. a supervillain is trying to adopt your firstborn. omg he can't hear me. he has the WayneTech Beats in. mISTER WAY
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do you dream of the stars
(click for higher quality)
color sketches because i was STRUGGLING with the colors
#good omens#good omens s2#crowley#good omens fanart#good omens s2 fanart#crowley fanart#aziraphale#aziraphale fanart#ineffable husbands#more like ineffable divorce but yk#aziracrow#ineffable husbands fanart#ive been in an art block for so long WHY IS IT ALWAYS WHEN IM ON SCHOOL BREAKS#:))))) im fine#azicrow fanart#azicrow#? which spelling is it wtf#hopefully the art juice is back that i can get my bazillion events/zines that i signed up for mostly done before school LMAO#< -- literally not going to happen because of a dozen essays that needs to be done rn#i forgot to tag this again :(#nhyhu.art
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TR English translation wishes it could be as fun as the French one
#c'est comme les guide books qui utilisent 'boloss' et tout..#sometimes french translation is okay#'j'fais des roues arrières dans le cul d'ta madre'... mikey why#edit: *BIG NEON SIGNS* i forgot to say - thats not the official french translation (which is a shame really bc its far superior-)#maybe i should reread this weekend.. it would fix me soooo much#reading it in french would be so funny again... but if i want to gather quotes i'd have to look up the english one... uhhhh#you know what that means! two tabs open at the same time#tokyo revengers#tr#tok rev#tokrev#french sanzu ily sm#sanzu haruchiyo#takemichi hanagaki#manjiro sano#mikey sano
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Why did i make this
#my art#it was originally about how i keep misreading things. sometimes my brain just ignores words or adds new ones#or just completely makes shit up. i think i read one thing but turns out it was another thing that isnt even related to that#like its a Problem#so to convey my experiences in a funny haha way i made it about silly hats at the serious event. that's why i made this. i think#oh i forgot to add the sign that says 'serious event'. whatever#also why does the angle from which my sona is seen changes. thats not supposed to happen. hm.#well not the angle exactly but like. from which side.#actually why am i telling you this#hello
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okay... idk at all if this has been discussed or that I'm just stating the obvious. I'm posting any way to get more feedback.
so. can we be sure that the last boat scene even happened (in the way we saw it at least)
yeah the letter was delivered to the intended recipients. the letter also did say 李相夷绝笔 lit. the final writing by li xiangyi. there's a brief exchange between him and the assumed "boatman" asking him where he was going. and we see he spat blood while writing yeah but:
llh/lxy's eyesight had been failing for some time.
Professional Letter Writers are a thing in the past in service to people who can't write their own letters (idk enough to verify the historical accuracy in this specific context though)
what has been bugging me since forever is the manner of speech of the letter. yeah it's different from their everyday speech, but that's actually perfectly fine since this is A Letter so I'm good with it being more formal. but... there's something I just can't quite pinpoint. especially with the use of the 君 jun pronoun by llh/lxy to refer to dfs when there could be other pronouns with less connotations of intimacy (and scholarly/imperial court system) implied and still conveyed cordiality, marking a shift in their relationship. (I'm not well versed with wuxia as a genre enough to know what are the conventions. someone else who does can say something though.)
whatever these put together means (eg. he may not have written the letter personally, or he wrote it in a different situation from what we saw, etc etc.) alongside:
this scene existed only as part of a visualisation as the letter content is revealed to the audience (or assumed to be fdb reading the letter to dfs & guests of the wedding spectators of the duel)
the boat lxy/llh jumped on is not the same as the one he was writing the letter on - the boatman is also not on it despite the conversation at the beginning, but lxy/llh's dressing and hairpin are the same as the ones before he jumped. (the boatman delivered the letter so he's real though.)
also as @wonderfulnonsense happened to have just pointed out in the tags left in my other post: it's in fact the same boat he took to go fight dfs at donghai 10 years ago. (edit: or maybe it isn't? as pointed out by anon.)
if we viewed whatever we perceived in this scene as imaginary (not what actually happened), then the reading of it being a metaphor for lxy/llh being on his way to enlightenment just makes sense. (the boat being a carrier on his spiritual transformations.) especially when you consider that 彼岸 the other shore is another concept in buddhism to represent enlightenment, alongside the motif of lotuses. (credits to @markiafc for the buddhism reading - edit: mark's meta here) and then, consider the beach ending... yeah.
#莲花楼#mysterious lotus casebook#my posts#lhl#lhlmeta#断剑又��笔......#this was a question / discussion brought up internally but i wanted more feedback / ideas so. and also for the record#but ofc...if there are details missed out that completely prove this wrong then pretend i never wrote this#pls blame it on the brainrot#lhl discussion of the day is buddhism meta.#taoism and buddhism readings loving hand in loving hand.#honestly i did not think of the story specifically as a path of enlightenment until i was writing the meta#and then it was a downward spiral there on.#it makes a lot of sense given how it's a story about cultivation of the personage (and the struggles of it)#which is the goal of all chinese ideologies. not just taoism and buddhism. they just have different answers#mark is gonna come back with a massive buddhism meta. i'm excited and afraid#also the detail i am sitting on is what is the significance of him signing off as lxy. on top of his r/s with dfs being from lxy's pov.#considering the way he has been identifying with lxy ever since he took over llh as an identity.#PLUS when i first heard lxy thanking dfs for the wangchuan flower. the chinese didn't include the subject of flower#i thought he was talking about 忘川 METAPHORICALLY bc i forgot that was the name of the flower HJBJHHJBJHB#yeah so like this is the river of oblivion he's on or wtv (i'm just babbling now)#also i said INTENDED RECIPIENTS. but the envelope cover is also interestingly empty. though boatman knew who it was meant for
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back on my bullshit (meeting men im in love with). Ben Schwartz is so kind and tall :-) I didn’t totally freeze like when I met the Jonas brothers but the selfies we took are blurry so 😔
(at least I have these bc I told sam to record the whole thing heheheh)
#also the show was great#I had to slap sam many times bc she was choking from laughter#ben schwartz#bro how did i forget my personal tag for ben#ben schwartz my beloved#me#also forgot me tag#editing tags after the fact to recount the entire experience#so we waited outside for about 10 minutes and I had no expectation of how long it usually takes for him to come out and take pictures#he comes out without a mask which is surprising to me and says ‘you guys wanna take some pictures?’#we all just kinda form a non sensical blob (there’s maybe like 10 ppl total) around him#Brandon Katie and Eugene hang back towards the stage door unsure if anyone wants to chat with them#I’m gushing over how tall and handsome Ben is to my sister who is ready to record our interaction once he gets to me#as I listen to him chatting with the other fans I can’t help but smile and say to my sibling ‘he’s so sweet’ every minute#he meets someone who has a cool sketchbook of the skits from the show that he wants to take a picture of#but they need to write their handle so he says he’ll talk with some others and get back to them#so he does and then later I see the girl ready to talk to him again off to the side#so I tell her ‘you can go ahead and finish talking to him”’ and she’s like ‘are you sure?’ and I’m like duh!#finally it’s my turn and he looks at me and says ‘hi I’m Ben’#yes Benjamin Joseph Schwartz I know#he sees me holding my phone and immediately sides steps to get into selfie mode as I ask him if he’ll sign my Jean Ralphio figure#he steps back to Be in front of me ‘yes of course!’#what insane media training he has#he says ‘I’ve seen this! this is the first one I’ve ever signed’#upon seeing the figure he says ‘it’s beautiful’ lol#he’s concerned that the sharpie I brought will not show up and I mention that it was probably a bad one to bring because it’s pastel#he signs and holds it up (as you can see in the first photo) to make sure it’s visible#he hands it back to me and I thank him and he says ‘do you want to take a picture?’#and I say ‘I would love to!’ and then I hold the Jean Ralphio figure and he looks to my sibling assuming she’s taking the picture#she’s like ‘no I’m just here for moral support!’
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Got home late last night after driving 7 hours. Woke up at 6:30am to work at a new, stressful position at my job I don't wanna be in from 7:30am-1:30pm, made a presentation with my class partner from 2:30pm-5:20pm, finally went to class from 5:30pm-8:10pm, and now it's somehow already time for me to go to bed and basically do it all over again tomorrow
#the worst thing#is i signed up and was brought on to be food prep which i'm comfortable with!#but one of the baristas is going on vacation for 2 weeks so they decided i had to fill that position#and this is stressing me out more than anything how am i supposed to do grad school full time and also learn how to be a barista#especially when i dont wanna#and it's stressful and there's so much to learn#we got slammed today and i forgot to put the lid on the blender#i can feel my gpa dropping in my bones#somehow i thought i was going to read and work on my gifset at the end of this day#text#also my eyes looked like this during my presentation
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I finished my Dr appointment and am planning on not going back to class lmaoooo
Submitted my group assignment too, so I'm soooo over that headache and heartache!!
#nimo's sheeko sheeko time#today is my brothers hangout day yaaaaaay!#also yesterday I LOST IT LMAOOOO#so heartbroken depressed and a wreck#so glad this stuff generally lasts only a day for me 😇#its actually kind of funny how that works but yaaaaaaay#sometimes I think I am so dramatic#hooyo is supporting my leave today djejje#what else? I have an appointment with my dr on the 9th for my accommodations#lowkey think he tryna get out of it bc they sent me my documents of it today?#which cool but I need him to sign these documents bc I listed out more accommodations!!!#if youre wondering: more time on assignments/can take as many sick days as needed/one on one mentor meetings and#I forgot the last one!!!#but yeah uwu thats whats up
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something else i just thought of. percy is not on team hell so he never made a deal with ipkesh. in the eventual future of this timeline, is gwen going to be a tiefling at all, or will it be because of orthax
#tbh i thought it was at first because i forgot all about the contract percy signed#i mean i know they’re jumbling everything up anyway bc like. they’re not going to hell to find hotis which is why they originally went there#i doubt it’ll come up. i think hotis is probably just going to be in that one flashback scene#imo it makes much more sense for gwen’s fiendish heritage to come from orthax anyway just because like#the amount of time percy spent with him lmao#but i also am not an expert in how all that works#mine#critical role#tlovm spoilers
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the imposter syndrome i feel every time i even slightly think i might be autistic is insane, specially for a person who highly relates to the lived experiences of people who are professionally diagnosed.
Like I was just watching this one youtuber, and she was talking about very specific examples in her life and childhood where she saw autistic traits that made her realize she was autistic and then seek a diagnosis and then get one, and everything she was saying was like she was describing my life! But yeah no, I can't be autistic tho
#and one thing that has been filling me with dread (as if it was relevant lol) is the idea of seeking a diagnosis and#either not geting it because it's already so hard to find a diagnosis for '''''''women''''''' (afabs)#and that will make me doubt myself even more! but most importantly those around me who already don't believe me#but also i'm very scared about this one thing in particular which is the talking to your parents portion of the diagnosis#where the therapist will want to talk to people who knew me as a child... and that person will have to be my mom#and i'm pretty sure she will dismiss most signs. like she would either not bring them up because ''they're normal''#or play them as less important than they were#or maybe she didn't even notice them! because most of my struggles are internal!#things like being bullied or having no friends or liking a routine#idk if she'll be able to talk about all those#because my bullying wasn't violent it was mostly dismissive#my ''friends'' weren't really friends like i didn't CARE for them as maybe someone would have#and also they would leave me for no reason at all out of the blue... so i don't think even THEY considered ME a friend#and liking routine i guess she could say i prefered it but she doesn't know to the extent i hated going off it#i'm sure she forgot about the time i cried (as a 10 year old so not THAT young) because they made us change classroom#and i didn't know that was gonna happen... it was added to the anxiety that i thought my mother wouldn't be able to find me#but like the unknown classroom traumatized me (to this day i get anxious just thinking about that)#like... all those things i don't think she would bring up (if she could even) and i fear that will make me not get a diagnosis#not that this is a thing that's gonna happen cause as i established i cannot afford a therapist nor i'll ever get a diagnosis i don't think#so like it's not relevant#but i am anxious about it nonetheless#angel talks#personal#idk what's my point with this post btw i'm just venting and creaming to the void#dkfjhgdfg
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reopening the ask box is like... just finishing vacuuming shed cat hair, and then immediately going and petting said cat vigorously & watching with delight as So Much Fur sheds right back onto the floor
#knocked it down from 96 asks to 53 lets gooooo#i was gonna keep it closed for much longer but like. that was past me's opinion when they were way more stressed than usual#current me misses Conversing with the Masses! or something like that!#is it a smart decision? probably not!#between packing & comms i dont have much time#but keeping it closed felt so wrong... i dont like keep out signs....#absolutely unprompted#i forgot how time-consuming and difficult packing is#im too out of practice....#ive got all my sketchbooks and notebooks and paper and comics boxed up#Except my wof collection. im waiting for book 15 to be shipped before i box em all up. gotta keep things Together#but yes anyway sorry the box is Open for whatever your little heart desires#which is.... bad timing bc im gonna be chronically Offline tomorrow and probably a decent chunk of the next day#now if yall will excuse me im going to Attempt To Write Fanfic.#we'll see if i manage more than one sentence#i am doing. so much usps research for this shit its hilarious#like yes! i will read reddit threads! watch yt 'day in the life' videos! job listings! etc!#but hey now i know about casing and relays/loops and dps and flats and the difference between city and rural-#its fun to learn new things for writing!#i will be taking Liberties anyway! but at least they'll be a conscious decision yk yk#and if i ever post i can say 'hey i know this is inaccurate But its for the sake of the fic. im doing it on purpose! not outta ignorance!'#also i feel so so bad for cca's like... the work 'ethic' is so fucking inhumane are they ok-
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hm currently i keep thinking of my modern rebels au (im not immune to a good modern au etc etc) and i think the funniest way to do kanan is jut to make him the househusband. the eyecandy. famous racecar driver hera syndulla and her stay-home-dad husband who teaches self-defence courses every monday tuesday wednesday friday.
#he's armcandy xoxo#no but he was a professional fencer pre-accident. quit after obvs. didn't want to get a boring ass job#so he knocked up his wife so he could be a stay home dad hehe hhoho#(i tease)#but yea thats what i have so far#fenn rau is the owner of the studio (martial arts place? i forgot the word) he teaches at#hera is the third gender (nascar) and a winner xoxo#sabine and ezra are their idiot kids#and zeb... is there... somehow#jacen baby. he littol baby.#uhhh yea#is it a good au? idk#im just having fun thinking about it every other day or so#today im thinking of ezra and kanan and sabine working on techniques#to develop for kanan and other blind people who take kanan's wednesday classes#which does result in ezra and sabine going for each others throats#while kanan regrets signing the adoption papers xoxo#sldkjf ILL SOTOP NOW SORRY#kanan jarrus#hera syndulla#kanera#star wars: rebels
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pont pont vesszőcske
#this year just feels weird. im selfishly not saying ~rawr so awful or tragic#because there are things ive achieved this year that im proud of and that were long due#im so happy i did that masters course and im so glad i landed a job that pays well even though its torture on my nerveous system#my mind is forever free from academic guilt and pressure#and i can afford things that nourish my soul and body when they werent accessible before#so this is the firm acknowledgment of the fact that im lucky and have an objectively good life#part of which i was given and nice parts i actually worked my ass off for#and for the first time in my life im at a stage where its all … freestyle?? lmao like ok girl you did the things now find new things to do#and theres none hehehe just human connections that are harder to build than a cv or a thesis defense and doesnt only depend#on the effort i put in#but also on how the stars and planets are moving or idk#plus i just remembered how my sister told me that the reason why i kept procrastinating on my diploma was bc it was an excuse to not grow u#and now the universe is kicking my ass all year to make me realize that i need to change and grow and build a life i could settle in#because this bitch!!!! took 3 of my 4 closest friends and made them move countries and get married or in one case just simply get over me#and not to make everything about me but its how humans work okay so ofc im internalizing a lot of other tragedies as new signs#from the universe screaming at me#to get away from the parasocial bonds that give me so much joy but also affect me too much#like LAUGH AT ME all you want but ive been wanting to see ts live since 2009#and the only thing that kept me up in exam season at 4am was me and my friend sending outfit inspos to each other#like its silly i know but when that show got cancelled and i was hysterical i kneew the lesson was to grow up and stop investing so much#into lovely but also relatively short moments of my life#because i should be able to#look forward to other things after graduating than the eras tour but i WASNT okay#and i dont have to elaborate on how liam’s passing has been affecting me/us so i wont#but fuck that was a cruel reminder - to make things about me again- that though i can talk about this with friends on my phone#until my retina burns out or melts or idk what retinas do#i still dont have ANYONE in my phsyical proximity who would understand this pain and thats partially on me#and then my 85+yr old grandma got covid AGAIN for the 3rd time and my god she got better but in case i forgot she wont be with me forever#and i reached the tag limit so thats it anyway weird year very weird dont know what it wants from me#to the void
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Work pulled me onto the central time zone survey from the EST one and i swear to fuck if they force me to work the extra late central shift when i made clear I couldn't im gonna...
do nothing, bc I'm Me and also i need the job. But I'm gonna be pissy abt it and wish that management wasn't an entire Mess and crappy abt everything here
#text post#figured they'd toss me back to EST once i got a survey and/or some numbers down on the CST one#and yet here i sit on the CST survey 10 min break feeling a Vibe that suggests they're going to suddenly make it mandatory#unless you have kids or care for someone elderly or ill which are usually the two things they'll accept and let you go#otherwise? better not bitch abt it or you're going into a disciplinary if they don't just fire you outright#they're struggling to even remember who was scheduled to work tonight and forgot to assign some ppl their supers#so it might even be they just forgot the shift i signed up for#however. i don't give a fuck abt that bc it's their job to keep thet straight not mine#and i plan to be done at the end of my usual shift for mondays with my new schedule#and that is not at nearly 1030 at night goddamn it
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anyone wanna come over next week and disassociate from this realty with me next week? if we're lucky we can clip into the berenstein bears universe for a few hours. i'll bring the snacks
#gonna try and distract myself with veilguard but i already know i'm going to be an anxious mess all day#it's all anyone is going to be talking about and the maga cult is out in full force rn with signs and flags everywhere cus im in a red stat#my actual county always goes blue but still my heartrate skyrockets whenever i see a red baseball cap these days#got jumpscared at the aquarium last weekend when a fam in trump merch came around the corner cus i thought they were gonna jump me#its just like covid where i was in a near constant state of fear whenever we went out to get groceries or something#not cus of the virius but cause of all the reports i kept seeing about asain's getting jumped because trump kept calling it the china virus#i was constantly looking over my shoulder when my bf and I went out because I could just tell instantly when someone was following him#the fox-newsers were not subtle when eying up my bf and trying to figure out what ethnicity he was under his mask#i kinda lost count of how many times I would yank him down another isle or lead him to the other side of the store saying I forgot somethin#it just became a normal part of going out which both depressed and upset me#but yeah kinda entering that mindset the closer we get to the 5th#i know my bf is going to want to watch the results real time but his parents will be staying with us during the election#and like his dad is a trump supporter which just kinda blows my mind because trump would not respect him at all
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