#where the fuck is the switch in my brain

[chat--blanc]

So I've already posted this as an ask to a blog but I kinda just got fed up with hiding so here's a vent piece I wrote last night.

Ever since I can remember, I've always been left behind. So young and so so small when my father left me and my two siblings l, he strung me along for years with false hope. My household was cold and unloving, detached and unaffectionate. So cd and so lonely yet all I ever wanted was to be loved. I wanted to be seen, to be heard, to be held and cared for.

I grew older and made many short friendships, but the ones I had hoped would last a lifetime slipped through my small hands. What hurt the most was when I fell in love with my oldest and closest friend. It hadn't lasted and all the while, even till this day, I still doubt myself. Do I even know what love feels like? Or was I mistaking obsession with love? I still don't know. I ruined that friendship later on with my own fears and insecurities. I tried to fix it, but was met with hollowness and later radio silence spanning more than half a year and counting.

Now I'm a young adult, and I learned that in my youth, my mother had essentially abandoned me emotionally. She filled my head with lies and misconceptions on my own relatives and body image issues. How much more betrayal can my heart take? Why do I fear rejection to the point it's debilitating? How can I mend the pain in my heart so that I might trust fully again?

I've seen dual-sided faces of those I considered friends and suffered for it. How can people be so blatantly cruel and wicked? Why doesn't mankind show kindness? Peace and goodwill on Earth? It's disheartening to see that people are consumed with selfishness and greed.

I wish I could open my heart enough to trust and love another but I'm so afraid of getting hurt. I know that it's a part of growing up but I can't bear it. Even now, I have a close friend that I wonder about, too afraid to even think about the possibility that I might have feelings for them. I refuse to let myself consider it.

Sometimes I wonder... If I can manage to cut the ties that bond me to my father... Could I do the same with my mother? Would that be too extreme? It's not like she'd even listen or acknowledge my troubles. She'd most likely become defensive and turn things around and against me.

At a young age I didn't have much or anyone for comfort or for advice. Yet I remember most of the lessons I have; social, moral understandings, and so forth stemmed from film, books and music. I learned kindness, love, friendship and strength that comes from the heart is very powerful. But... I was still so lonely in a small house of four.

I'll never forget when I first met him. I was so small, and he was almost as big as me. His yellow gaze followed you no matter where you looked. Void of emotion but for me... I felt nothing but warmth just from his presence. I'll never forget the way I lit up when I first held him all those years ago. I was convinced, and still am, that this... This warm and fuzzy feeling... Was love.

Over the 16 years with him and I to my adult age, I still look to him for guidance. When my heart is in turbulence and my mind is too clouded with grief, all I need to do is close my eyes. There he is, his presence and warmth swirl around me and I bathe in his light. Basking in his nurturing aura. His embrace soothes my aching heart and his words so gentle like a summer breeze through wild grassy fields. Eyes that glow like yellow fireflies. His words are the only assurance I need. I suppose he's something like my Roman Empire as silly as it sounds. Everyday when I'm not home, all I long for is to curl up next to him and to wrap my arms around him under fluffy blankets. Snuggling close.

I don't tell many people about him, those that I have I feel don't fully grasp just how powerful his actions and presence have helped me grow. People wouldn't understand or think I'm delusional, crazy or immature. My reasoning doesn't need to be justified. In a world where I've been let down so many times by so many... I know that he will always be there. Supporting me, loving me, and believing in me when I can't.

[carionto]

How to beat Deathworlders

I don't know what I want to write and it's a little frustrating. So, to fix that, I'm just gonna throw this at me - Giant Ant Planet

The first call to arms Humanity has declared. They mobilize with unseen speed and precision seven of their mightiest Dreadnoughts, hundreds of transports, and amass fifty thousand soldiers, fully armed and trained on the target.

They are headed to a world Humans scouted as having great potential for life to flourish. How correct they were.

In orbit above the planet Chromathium-2-4, the station Truncated Crescent Ellipses was tasked with conducting experiments to test the viability of Human-digestible flora and fauna living on Chromatoff (as the scientists began to call it for short).

When the fleet arrived, the final message from the station turned out to be true - it had crash landed on the surface. From the chaos of the recordings they received, there was a containment breach and the systems were under attack by some unknown electronic waves and incomprehensible code. A hostile act, but by who?

This was two weeks ago. Whoever it was, they would know the wrath of Humanity. Once we find your traces, there will be no hiding for long.

Preliminary scans show the station was dead and only local creatures and plants appeared, in greater density than elsewhere, but no matter. Just some animals.

The first unmanned craft landed and began exploring the wreckage. All of the digital systems were fried, not a hint of power remained anywhere. Attempts to manually power anything up proved fruitless - the data had been replaced with pure garbage code. Then, the drone vanished underground and went silent. Connection failure.

Orbital sights showed nothing, all frequencies were monitored and were free of unaccounted signals. The next group of drones descended and shortly after touchdown they too were seemingly devoured by the ground, all power and electronic signals cut.

A deep scan showed the same dense biological activity, but looking closer at the data it was like a carpet just below the actual surface layer. And for whatever reason the pulse couldn't penetrate below a few meters. Scanning areas further from the crash revealed a much more detailed and sparsely populated map going down the expected three kilometers.

For the third attempt they kept several drones above the landed ones at different altitudes. The moment the drones on the ground were vanished again, a sudden signal struck the ones floating up to seventy meters above and cut them off as well, but didn't seem to reach any beyond that. The visual was not as detailed as they'd like, but it was enough - the tips of large pincers and antennae and beady eyes. Ants.

The fleet maintained a perimeter around the entire system just in case, and spent half a day consulting professionals and former colleagues of the deceased scientists to get a better understanding of the current situation.

Two experiments the team had worked on before and supposedly continued when relocated to the new station stood out - metabolic acceleration, and unassisted neural interfacing via modified brain waves. Far from the wildest here, such as the self-relocating giant sequoia, but ones that offered a plausible explanation.

Ants serve a variety of critical functions in the maintenance of an ecosystem, so naturally they are a part of most late stage terraforming efforts.

Here, however, something went wrong and they evolved alongside technology at an intimate level. Perhaps deliberately made to do so.

They are spreading fast too. Twelve hours ago the "carpet" of underground ants was roughly two square kilometers. Now it was close to three and a half. In mere weeks they may spread across the entire continent, perhaps make it across (or below?) the seas somehow and ravenously consume all life on this planet before succumbing to extinction themselves.

This world is bountiful. Also, we're here already. Hmm...

Eh, may as well. Plenty of us have seen Starship Troopers and only joined to hopefully one day shoot at alien bugs. Guess these are more like home grown critters, but whatever.

With that brazen attitude (and a quick orbital bombardment) the troop ships landed, well, were forced to crash land the final few meters, but whatever electromagnetic warfare these ants were throwing our way didn't account for reinforced alloy armor and hand-held rail guns. Their sharp pincers, acid throwers, and thick carapaces did however.

Actually, fucking hell, they move real fast underground. Uhh...

This isn't looking so good in retrospect. Did they add cockroach DNA in these bastards too? Some of them literally don't care about losing their head, what the fuck!?

Okay, holy shit, abort mission! Good thing we still install regular ignition engines as an added redundancy to the military ships. Not very fast or efficient, but screw you, burn beneath the thrusters. BURN!

*deep breath*

Okay. So. We lost 831 soldiers, and 4625 are injured. And the ant casualties don't matter cuz they're ants. Super mutant ants. Who are going to take over the world if we don't nuke them. Which might not work anyway because HUMAN scientists made them.

Hoisted by our own petard or something.

Right, let's just chalk it up as a... military exercise gone wrong and quarantine the planet. Wait, make that the whole system.

...so this is what it must've felt like to lose the Emu War...

[starry-bi-sky]

more cfau miscellaneous things because Childhood Friends Danny and Jason have my head and heart always and I need to finish rewriting chapter two dammit (and redo the half-finished chapter 4 because its just Not The Vibes). i'm almost through I need to get through the graveyard scene. (i just stubbornly refuse to have it be shorter than the original chapter and thats the little death. that is the mind killer.)

Danny and jason’s ghost forms both smell faintly like burnt flesh and cigarettes. However, Jason has a more smokey smell while Danny’s smells almost,,, electrical? In a sense? Like he just straight up smells like burnt flesh and sulphur while Jason smells like someone put him in a smoker first.

It’s very much an unpleasant smell but Danny finds an odd comfort in it just as much as he finds a comfort in the smell of nicotine.

(Jason post-revival smells burnt flesh once and is immediately offput by the fact that it brings him an instinctive comfort. He doesn’t realize its because it reminds him of Danny, and is uncomfortable by it.)

-

In an au of an au, Danny’s altercation with Rath ends with Rath regaining enough of his sanity to snap out of the grieving state and ends with him breaking down. Instead of being souped and imprisoned, Rath, who is permanently 14, decides to Move On into the unknown. He’s exhausted, heartbroken, and tired.

(Is this influenced heavily by the ParaNorman scene where he talks to Agatha and helps her move on? Yes. But it doesn’t fit with the Original Storyline so im shoving it into an Au of an Au.)

Rath tells Danny that Jason lied to them (which he genuinely believes), and that he’s tired of waiting/looking for him/grieving. Jason is gone. He isn’t coming back, he abandoned them. And he wants his mom and dad, and his sister, and his friends. And he’s ready to join them.

He leads Danny out to Gotham, which other than Amity Park might’ve been the only city left untouched due to Rath’s own mental block on the place. They go out to the park he and Jason used to frequent or up to one of crime alley’s rooftops, and there Rath lies down and goes to sleep. Only to never wake up again, materializing into nothing as his soul moves on.

Before Rath leaves, he forces Danny to promise him that he’ll only wait for Jason for ten years. After that if he doesn’t find him, or if Jason doesn’t show, then Danny has to move on. Whether that be like how Rath does, or if its inly mentally/emotionally, doesn’t matter. He has to move on. Don’t wait for him. Don’t waste his time any more.

(“Oh, and if you find him, kick his ass for me.”)

Danny reluctantly agrees, and Rath lies down. Danny sings to him as he falls asleep.

(Angsty points if the vigilantes including Red Hood caught wind of their presence and were silently watching from the shadows. Rath might know they’re there, but Danny’s too focused on Rath to notice.)

(If only so that Red Hood realizes that this is what happened to Danny, and that Danny is gone before he can make things right. The tragedy, folks. The angst. The initial realization that Danny was Rath, and then also that Danny was dead and has been dead for years, and that before he moved on, he moved on believing that Jason abandoned him.)

(like i said it doesn't fit in the original timeline/storyline hence why its an au of an au and isn't nearly a fleshed out, but i was largely just focusing on the tragedy of Rath moving on and Jason being alive to see it and realize just who Rath is.)

-

Just like how the Lazarus pits shot Jason's twiggy 4'6-5'4 (depending on what you find) feet tall and 86lb ass up like a tree an essentially fixed his malnutrition, the portal did the same thing for Danny.

(granted i forgot about malnutrition and danny's likely stunted growth at first -- his family lived in crime alley and despite both his parents working, I don't think they had enough food all the time. He probably wasn't as badly malnourished as Jason was, but he wasn't healthy either.)

Granted his ghost in its "natural" state (14) is short, and his growth spurts were slow at first, it did result in him reaching his dad's height. There were points where it just happened overnight, like a baby. He went to bed one night 5’6 and woke up the next day 5’10.

Jazz is shorter than him. Although I have't decided if she's even liminal at all (and if she is, it didn't cure everything because she would have also suffered childhood malnutrition, and since in au canon their parents didn't get their hands on physical ectoplasm until after they got to Amity Park. So the exposure is less.)

-

Danny's voice absolutely sounds like canon Dan's. It kinda just dropped one day when he was 16-17 and never went back up. Sam and Tucker sometimes ask him to just talk about anything because they find his voice soothing.

I'm not sure yet how Danny would feel about it at first considering Rath, but I imagine that Rath, when he did speak, would have had a quieter and scratchier/weaker voice considering he's spent the last decade shrieking and crying.

(and i suppose technically that shouldn't have any effect on his throat considering he's a ghost and idk if that would actually affect him, but i like the idea so im keeping it)

In the beginning you could hear him from a mile away by the sound of his loud, echoing wails, but ten years later you can only really hear him by the soft, shuddering sobs he makes. Like he's gasping for air that isn't there. The future is full of very quiet survivors.

And it's much easier to speak when you pitch your voice upwards (especially when whispering/speaking quietly) so he might've spoken in a higher, airy pitch in order to be heard. So Danny might actually find a comfort in having a lower voice.

[captainsjack]

in the next mission impossible movie there better be a scene where the one (1) female agent they have has to seduce/flirt with a guy to get information out of him except when she tries, he makes it clear he’s not interested and says something implying he’s gay. so she walks away and into the comms tells the team it didn’t work because “i’m not his type.” then we get semi-frustrated team members telling her “well then become his type, we need the info” etc only for her to interrupt with “i think one of you boys will have a better chance.” then the comms go silent and it cuts to each team member’s reaction of “😳” and the “oh”s as they realize he’s gay. except when it cuts to ethan’s reaction, he’s already sauntering over to the guy and we just hear him say “i’m on it” and then we get scenes of ethan seducing the bad guy and he gets to gay kiss him. if this doesn’t happen i will riot

[possamble]

realizing im kind of a weirdo about laios and marcille

[caimitos]

saw a post about projecting your ethnicity onto a character and started missing vespa ilkay. so so bad

[local-magpie]

"i like to packbond with everything" is um. a really fucking concerning statement to make when discussing AI, especially the question of if AI can reach sentience. that really should be the very first alarm bell you learn to watch for when you get into studying AI 😬

[ghoul--doodle]

There’s a kid who recently started working at the charity store I work at and we’re usually working at the same time

And he’s a sweet kid but.

He stims all the time and in such a way that it triggers my misophonia and I feel SICK and there’s ✨sweet fuck all✨ I can do about it

[suffercerebral]

me having gone to bed at 6 am every day for the past week and generally spiraling mentally while rotting in bed waking up this morning: a 4 mile hike in the heat is a really good idea right now, and while we're at it let's start like 3 art projects

[togamest]

barou seeing you upset and even though he feels weak doing so he pulls you into a hug, a warm, all encompassing embrace. his kiss is soft, and his eyes match his touch as he looks at you with stars in his eyes. “i love you,” he whispers, “and i don’t seem to wanna care who knows it.”

[lover-of-mine]

I keep thinking about another wip (I keep telling myself to not start elaborate stories but they won't stop appearing in my head) that I'm blaming an anon who sent me an ask a while back about Eddie blowing up at Buck for putting himself in danger and my brain is mixing this idea up with another to create a divorced era Buddie thing and they are fighting but there's a call to Chris' school (no children will be harmed in this idea) and shit gets real and I don't wanna start another fic, but I cannot stop thinking about it.

[candyunicornsateme]

idea where Kenny is desperately trying so hard to confess to Kyle and just say I love you but somehow every time they get interrupted by something or someone and Kenny is a man of very few words and its hard to get alone and eventually Kyle’s on the brink of insanity like “fucking SAY IT KENNY” and violently shakes Kenny so much he doesn’t even hear it clear the first time

[cloyingcadaver]

x

[panspy]

hmmmmmm.................vent post under tags...... feel free to give advice or dont¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[godblooded]

pops my head in.

who’s awake at 2 am and is now playing widow in ovw.

[wellenklavier]