#when ppl look closer and be like uhhh ur? a mess are u okay? yep i sure am!!!! shhhhhhhh

[toytulini]

Do ya ever feel like getting "better" might require undoing some of the mess of overlapping Anxieties tbat ultimately prioritize themselves in such a way that even makes it possible to masquerade as semi functional bc like,,,

Like, sure, ultimately, i might like. Yknow, eventually recover or learn ways to cope that have me actually being semi functional not just, pretending anymore, but like

I dont have the patience to deal with falling apart to rebuild properly, yknow? It would be such a pain

Like i wanna go to college at some point? But i might seriously need to like. Do A Therapy, beforehand bc theres no way i get thru otherwise, like its almost basically a guarantee that if i do school again i will have, at least, one(1) breakdown but like the question is, would i at least manage to drag myself to graduate before i totally lose it? Whereas if i Do A Therapy i feel like ill end up having to put it off as i do the whole "worse before it gets better" thing so idk. Who knows.

Then also im like. Too paranoid and exhausted to Look for a therapist,, it doesnt feel realistic for me to find one that is trustworthy early on, and the process of Looking for one is such a fucking Task of its own honestly, like god i dont have the energy for that, i dont even know if itll actually help, bc that requires a majority of the work on my end and like??? How. I just. I dont fucking do shit and i dont. Know how to get myself to do shit. "Well u start small, little baby steps" aye yeah thats been the fucking plan from the beginning really, no way in hell was i considering full steps, i fucking know what im like. Thats the problem! I cant even get self to take a goddamn baby step i just. Get endlessly frustrated with my position, my situation, and then myself, for not being able to even take a fuckin baby step! Whoo! Which in itself, as a Self Hate(tm), just feels like a Baby Step Backwards, which causes. More frustration and self hate, for being so self hating, which is a super duper fun ourobouros of hell. That is not going anywhere except in a little tiny circle, that maybe Slides Backwards Sometimes in its frenzy. Guh.

So uh,,,, yeah. Im wallowing still if u were wondering. Super frustrated abt it, i want out of this fuckin pit so bad but uh guess thats not happening anytime soon bc im Terrible or smth and probably, like, "anti recovery" lmao. I really dont mean to constantly shoot down the well intentioned helpful advice for Baby Steps Out Of The Rut that everyone has to offer but thats just. Where i am rn.

A Vicious Cycle of guilt, anxiety and self loathing masquerading as way closer to semi functional than i actually am using an assorted, carefully prioritized Pile of Irrational Anxieties to balance things out and keep everything under wraps, using occasional hyperfocus on things and an excellent knack for escapism into my own brain to hide it even more!! :)