#what if it’s almond theory and he fights his way out of heaven when he sobers up.

[catboi-jenkins]

NUH-UH! NO. YOU CANNOT JUST SAY THAT

AAAANGK

SOBBING.

I can’t live laugh love in these conditions 😔

Sometimes you just are trying to live out your day and then your brain thinks:

What if in the opening titles of Season 3 Aziraphale and Crowley aren’t walking together anymore.

[dee-morris]

I Think We Moved on Too Quickly from Coffee Theory

Yeah yeah I know. But hear me out.

When I watched the season two finale the first time, I felt blindsided by it. From a narrative perspective it made sense, bc Neil Gaiman said that he needed to set up the situation that would make season three possible and okay yeah, that probably meant putting Crowley and Aziraphale in weird and different places. I got that. But from a character perspective it felt like a huge reversal from Aziraphale's behavior throughout season two, and of course that led me to look for outside factors that could have caused it.

After talking about it with Internet friends, reading lots of metas, thinking and discussing and watching the season over again, I decided that it wasn't necessary to believe that Aziraphale had been drugged. Most of what he said and did could be explained by careful study and analysis. Once you realize that Metabitch's presence in the bookshop is a veiled threat, everything else falls into place.

Nevertheless.

I definitely DO NOT Believe that Aziraphale was brainwashed or mind controlled by the coffee. His behavior during the Final Fifteen was frenetic, desperate, little bit manic. Definitely not the behavior of a mindless zombie. But nevertheless.

I still think that there was too much emphasis on the coffee for it to be a simple prop. Is it a literal macguffin or a symbolic one, that I'm not sure. I could see it either way. It might be just a symbol of the Sophie's Choice that Aziraphale had been presented with, or... There might have actually been something in the coffee.

The show makes a point of telling us that celestials can be affected by human poison. Almonds are symbolic in the Bible, and cyanide smells like almonds. Again, Aziraphale's behavior at the breakup scene was not that of a brainwashed person, but what if the Metatron TRIED something like that and it didn't completely work?

Aziraphale didn't want to follow the Metatron until after he drank the coffee. And even then he turned and looked at Crowley, and he didn't move until Crowley told him to go ahead. (Cue the Breaking Bad Walter Screaming in the Car meme) What if whatever the Metatron tried on Aziraphale only kind of worked? Just enough to make Aziraphale a bit dizzy and suggestible, but being close to Crowley mitigated the worst of it. That's why Metatrash needed to separate them.

Aziraphale is very clever, and if he knew he'd been drugged he would also know better than to let on that it hadn't worked completely. Cue the weird off-key phrases that are ALMOST in character but still pretty damn weird. "Heaven is the side of goodness, of light" my dude has NEVER said anything like that. He's said that about God, yes, but he's always held a distinction between God and heaven. Or "you're the bad guys" that's just WEIRD, that's a weird thing for him to say, and I will die on this hill. Even during their worst fights Aziraphale has made distinctions been himself and Crowley in terms of their job descriptions, but he's never made a moral judgement like that before, nor has he ever lumped Crowley in with the rest of hell. "They're the bad guys," now that would have made sense, and if it were anyone but Neil Gaiman running this shit I would think that it was a simple scripting error. But Neil doesn't make mistakes like that.

So Aziraphale plays along and tried desperately to communicate with Crowley that something IS VERY WRONG but our favorite disaster demon picks NOW to get in his feelings and ignore the clear and present danger standing outside the bookshop and staring at them. I'm pretty sure "I forgive you" is Aziraphalese for ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??

Again, I don't need my version of Coffee Theory to be real to understand what happened in the Final Fifteen, but it's just an interesting little toy to roll around in my head. There's so much emphasis on that coffee in the show and even in the episode synopsis, I still think there's something about it that we haven't been told.

[wistfulnightingale]

The Metatron's Second Coming ("I will not Hesitate to Mock you!")

Part 2 of 8 in the Chess Moves Theory Set by @wistfulnightingale

As I've been pondering the Final Fifteen (and connected scenes, not like I'm obsessed or anything. Really, I'm fine...!), the scene with the Metatron in the coffee shop that day kept making my brain twitch. Everything about the Metatron appears normal, but is it too normal? Meanwhile, Nina initially acts out of character. Even for a woman who spent the night battling demons from Hell.

The Metatron is from Heaven.  Yet he knew what to order, fairly quickly, and under pressure from a rudely impatient person. How? The archangels don't understand books or sushi or matchboxes or human love or needs or relationships or wanting to keep one's original children... When the Metatron pretends to take an interest in Muriel's book (Yep. Pretends. I'll die on that hill), the Metatron doesn't ask them, "What's that you're reading?" -- he asks, "What's that you're holding?" Heavenly beings are unfamiliar with earthly objects or customs, unless they purposefully learn about it.

"Order accurately and fast... I will not hesitate to mock you if I don't like your order."

It's a comic moment, but it's out of character for Nina, IF it's unprovoked. Yes, she hasn’t slept in 30 hours and was fighting demons most of that surreal night, so it seems reasonable that she might explode.  But this is Nina.  Nina remembers people by their coffee order.  Nina is a practical business woman. 

Why would Nina, who had tidily set her emotions aside and started her workday, now suddenly be inexplicably rude to a new customer, a well-dressed man who appears to have significant funds and could possibly become a regular? Threatening to mock customers is not a sound business model, even on an Extremely Bad Day.

Bear with me, I'm about to propose something radical. But it certainly gives us something to talk about as we wait for the final story!

I think that the Metatron was in the coffee shop the previous day. Learning about the complicated human ritual of buying a coffee. And ingesting his first sample of human consumables.

Here's why...

As we get to know Nina, we learn that she is private, rather guarded, and blunt. She is also incredibly practical and dedicated to running her business smoothly and efficiently. Even when briefly socializing, she is wiping tables, or signaling a "six shots expresso, big cup" order with gestures. Her coffee business is about earning a living. Nina didn’t understand Maggie’s sentimental attachment to a store that can’t sell anything. When dramatic issues with Lindsay happen during work hours, Nina sets boundaries but keeps herself from snapping at customers, even when Mrs. Sandwich criticizes her.

The morning after the demon attack, Nina had already shifted into business mode -- she was late, people need their coffee. She shuts off consideration of the bizarre night, and is prepping and planning. She calmly started putting down chairs, and knew exactly what milks she needed Maggie to pick up. Maggie returns promptly, and everything is well under control before the Metatron's turn in line.

The Metatron is a very intelligent Heavenly being, but we've seen that he has no concern for, nor interest in, humanity. He doesn't know human ways, and when he speaks, he fills his sentences with British posh slang as if he just took a crash course from a travel brochure! And he was just in a bookstore, but doesn't know what a book is. (Probably because he doesn't see it as important.)

How does he know how to put together a coffee order, from the multitudes of choices, for the very first time? He understands the difference between an expresso, a frappuccino, a cappuccino and a latte? Caffeinated or Decaf? To select whole milk, nonfat milk, almond milk, oat milk...? Cold, or steamed? Nondairy sweet cream? Heavy cream? Half and Half? Would you like whipped cream on that? And, by the way, how many syrups are on the "Give Me Coffee or Give Me Death" selection list?

(****Also, have you ever been with an older person the first time they visit a coffee shop? It takes time to figure it all out...!)

"Order accurately and fast... I will not hesitate to mock you if I don't like your order."

The VOICE OF GOD puts his hands up in surrender and says, "Yes, I quite understand." He's okay with this? Why? I suspect that when he came in yesterday (in Episode 5) he had NO IDEA how to order, and would have held up the line looking at the many, many choices.

I can imagine it! The first time the Metatron showed up, Nina walks back in the shop after her conversation with Crowley. She doesn't like thinking so much about Lindsay during work hours, and she's trying to refocus. It's important to her to keep the line moving. Meanwhile, this posh fellow comes in with no clue what he wants, asking ridiculous questions and ordering things that don’t make sense together and that means he’s taking Forever and Holding Up The Line.  

The next day (Episode 6), she’s again trying to just FOCUS and run her shop, and NOT think anymore about battling demons all night, but here he is again, this upper class elderly sophisticate-wanna-be, about to mess up her morning and put her even FURTHER behind and if he asks for something STUPID AGAIN,  SHE. WILL. MOCK. HIM…!!!

This time, however, he places a reasonable order, quickly and sensibly.  So Nina quickly calms down, and can even tolerate it when he asks such an odd question.  “They don’t ever ask for death, no.”   Nina can bear with a customer who is strange, and can be polite (even if blunt) to someone who says odd things.  

But DON’T. HOLD. UP. HER. LINE. 

I think this idea, on it's own, is worth considering. I hope you might think so, too. It's at least a question worth asking.

..........

Now, please, breathe deeply, and please don't hate me.

I broke down the Episode 5 scene outside the coffee shop with dozens of screenshots, lightening, brightening, and posting only the best in another post, The Metatron Misdirection. There's a guy wearing an orange shirt moving around inside the shop, behind Nina. There's also a guy with white hair and a dark overcoat. In the scene photos, he seems to be talking to the orange-shirt man before taking his place in line. I think it's the Metatron. Perhaps he's asking the orange-shirt guy for advice about how coffee orders work. (See my Part 1, The Metatron Misdirection, for lots and lots of detail to back up my absolutely bonkers idea!)

I think it was a Time Misdirection, across 2 episodes. (See Misdirection in Magic, a Masterclass article.) The most significant part of the magic trick happens before we start looking for the trick. If we wondered at all about Nina's outburst, it wouldn't occur to us to look for the answer in the previous episode. We didn't think the Metatron was there yet! (inside, on the right, in line behind the orange-shirt guy!)

I reeeeeeeally wouldn't expect you to believe this, just from one photo. I'd be grateful if you'd check out my other post with all the details before you come at me, please please please (she implores🥺). (And you might especially like #8, Aziraphale's Jubilant Smile!)

😊

If you'd like to see more of my ideas/meta-theories about the stuff I think is radically interconnected to the Final Fifteen, please check out the other parts of my Chess Moves Theory Set at @wistfulnightingale for the full picture of what I think might be happening for our Ineffables.

Thanks for coming with me on this crazy ride!

The 8 Chess Moves MetaTheory Set:

1 - The Metatron Misdirection

2 - The Metatron's Second Coming

3 - Ineffables in Check

4 - A Hefty Jigger of Death

5 - Nothing Lasts Forever

6 - The Circle Kiss Theory

7 - The Nightingale DID Sing

8 - Aziraphale's Jubilant Smile (Not the crazy elevator grin)

Also: The Chess Moves Theory Set, Why Chess & Magic?

[vpgoldenrod]

The Sweetener is a Lie: The True Meaning of “A Hefty Jigger of Almond Syrup.”

I'll fight the coffee theory with my dying breath, and if Neil Gaiman somehow actually planned it, I'll fight him too. I'll fight everyone.

It's bad storytelling to force characters into major choices not made of their own volition, especially when it comes at the expense of character development. It does seem like most people have moved past it, so harping on about it is unnecessary. But the one point that the Coffee Theory made that always puzzled me was the way the almond syrup goes from “a dash” to a “hefty jigger.” They're side by side in the script, and while writers are fallible, it's far too obvious to be a mistake. But then this morning I stumbled onto this analysis of the coffee scene and the more I think about it, the more this seems like Gaiman's genuine intentions.

We all know how much Aziraphale likes sweets. It's pointed out over and over throughout both seasons. But Aziraphale doesn't just love sweets: they're also his go-to when he's stressed. When Gabriel shows up on Aziraphale's doorstep, Aziraphale doesn't know what to do. He's distraught and confused. And what is his go to when he's stressed? Sweets. So he makes Gabriel a cup of hot cocoa. When Muriel shows up later he's hospitable, but he's not intimidated or stressed so he makes her tea.

When Aziraphale asks Nina what calms people down, she doesn't offer him tea, the most obvious choice for a coffee shop. Again, the writers even make the point in a subsequent scene that Nina has multiple herbal tea options. Nina has never met Crowley before, but Nina knows Aziraphale. She remembers the regulars, not by their names but by the things they order. When posed with the question she pauses, and thinks about it. No, the weird man who owned the bookshop across the street doesn't have tea when he's stressed. What calms him down? Oh, I know! SWEETS. So she offers him Eccles cakes, a pastry originally created for religious reasons then banned by the Puritans they were too sinfully good. A little bit like Crowley, huh?

Crowley is “Mr. Six Espressos in a Big Cup,” but Aziraphale is “Mr. Hot Cocoa and Eccles Cakes,” and the Metatron knows this. So what's the best way to ensure that Aziraphale is reassured, but not actually calm? Ah, yes, offer him something sweet, but don't actually give it to him. Promise a hefty jigger of sweet syrup, then give him some bitter coffee with a little syrup. Suddenly the Metatron isn't such a bad guy. Sure, the coffee wasn't actually sweet, but the Metatron probably didn't know what he was doing, right? He may have ingested things in his time, but he hasn't lived on the Earth like Aziraphale. It's an understandable mistake, but he was trying. He smiles and makes a half-hearted attempt to enjoy it.

Suddenly there's the bitter coffee of returning to heaven as Supreme Archangel. Aziraphale doesn't want that. He implies that he wants something sweet as he gestures to the coffee that isn't actually sweet. Then the Metatron offers him a hefty jigger of almond syrup: Crowley. There's no way the Metatron would know that Crowley would never return to heaven. It's heaven! And Crowley is good. The Metatron wouldn't offer him a sweet coffee that was intentionally bitter. He's trying to be kind. He's not a bad guy, he simply misunderstood what he was offering.

The point of the Metatron's bumbling little old man act isn't just to make himself relatable, it's to give him plausible deniability. The gambit worked in the short term, but I'm looking forward to finding out how that works out in the long run.

[forest-sh]

Good Omens Theories - I wrote this instead of sleeping, excuse my rambling

Starter theories i wrote before "analyzing" anything:

Somethings in the coffee

might be fighting whatever "it" is

The Metatron and Crowley have ISSUES together, personally as a headcanon and not a theory, i think it was most likely that Metatron was the one that damned all the demons into, well, damnation. what i mean is that he was there and all that.

35:32 - as someone previously pointed out, he changed his speech to appear more like aziraphales.

aziraphale is sure of what he wants (to stay out of heaven and stay on earth) and through out the ep that changes quickly. suspicious.

as someone else pointed out, he changed his description of the almond syrup in the coffee. After further research, i found almonds symbolizes the purity of the Virgin and the birth of jesus in Christianity. Which might mean, that what the tumblr posts are saying is true and he maybe coming in s3. Some depictions of divine favor and approval, and divine guiding were also shown but appeared less often than the first. That "I should jolly well hope so" comment from Metatron does add some suspicion to the coffee as well. In another context, an almond (although its the tree here not the fruit) is also a shown as a message of god watching.

39:37-39:56 - THATS SUSPICIOUS AF- That whole interaction was suspicious as hell,

rn aziraphale looks like me when I'm trying to flee from a conversation from one of my teachers (aka one of my superiors someone i have too respect immediately without question and try not to get in trouble with(unless they have given me reason not to of course)) just agreeing with everything their saying to get out of the conversation faster.

"Well then, go and tell your friend the good news." aziraphale here looks nervous, as he's walking off he thinks for a moment, i think his face is showing a (what the fuck is happening rn) kinda vibe. and afterwards his whole demeaner is (lets get this over with.) WHY THOUGH. if he's nervous which obviously he is, he's gonna ask a pretty big question here not knowing if Crowley is gonna say yes or not, BUT HE DOESNT LOOK HAPPY/EXCITED NERVOUS. he looks like accepted his fate/i know this gonna go badly nervous.

40:52 -

LMAO aziraphale is like NOWS NOT THE TIME CROWLEY looks over to the window NOWS NOT THE FUCKING TIME. to me this implies that he knows Metatron is looking and that he is warry of him, WHY ARE YOU WARRY OF HIM, HUH AZIRAPHALE?? HMM??? THIS IS SOMEONE WHO YOU TOTALLY 100% AGREE WITH HIS STUPID PLAN WHY ARE YOU WARRY?? i don't know why, just that he shouldn't be if he actually believes the shit he was spouting, I'm not that smart-

42:03 - LOL LOOK AT AZIRAPHALE dudes like (What the fuck are you saying right now-)

43:12 - that giggle was hysteric almost.

OH GOD that "not at all" has been BUGGING ME and i don't know why! he says it through clenched teeth like he's lying or is OH! LIKE HES TRYING NOT TO SAY IT!! like something is coursing him into saying it but he's trying not to, and that smile slipping as Crowley gets angry HURTS ME, but the smile is almost awkward like he's trying to keep it in place but he doesn't want it too.

I feel like when Crowley starts talking here ("confessing") aziraphale continues looking at the window and is giving a "oh please don't do this now Crowley NOT right now" look

why am i starting to think that metatron is controlling aziraphale.. why am i getting that feeling-

NOW IK WHY im paying attention to aziraphales expressions and half way through crowleys confession he SQUINTS at him HATEFULLY

oh nvm hes just confused- WHEN I TELL YOU I DID A DOUBLE TAKE-

"We don't need Heaven, we don't need Hell, they're toxic. We need to get away from them" AZIRAPHALE WDYM= WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO TO THIS STATEMANT, OH EXCUSE ME THIS FACT, THAT YOU SHOULD KNOW BY NOW= WHAT YOU SHAKING YOUR HEAD FOR

have i pointed out the smile? ITS JUST SO FAKE- LIKE COME ON HES NEVER and i mean EVER SMILED LIKE THAT also should i point out that he's smiling but also looks like he's going to cry.

That "No. No, I don't suppose it does" HURT ME, like its what he should've said slay queen but still- he looks so HEARTBROKEN

"Good luck? Crowley! Crowley" BISH WHY ARE YOU SAYING Crowley! LIKE YOU GUYS ARE ARGUING ABOUT WHALES OR SOMETHING?? THIS IS SERIOUS! dudes acting like their having one of there little bickering fights and Crowley's being difficult.

" Anything you need to take with you? " pretty sure aziraphale wanted to take his diary with him, you know just incase what happened with Gabriel happened to him too, seems only logical. (he had a diary with him right- that wasn't a fanfic i read, RIGHT??)

Final Theories

The Metatron is somehow controlling/affecting aziraphales actions and aziraphales fighting it.

theory number two is the most obvious theory, and the one where every single observation points towards it. Aziraphale GENUINELY thinks he can outsmart the Metatron by being in heaven and fixing it from the inside, for whatever reason (probably because he thinks his days are numbered if he stays on earth, it took only a few years for heaven to bother them again and the result was that he was almost erased from EXISTENCE) he wants to be up there in heaven not because he WANTS too but because he has too. through out the final 15 i think he was trying to signal to crowley his plan and Crowley didn't know he WAS throwing any signals. dude was genuinely confused af when crowley started confessing. The miscommunication tag is at it again folks.

[kworus]

As promised, here's an analysis of why I firmly believe Aziraphale's actions in s2e6 are in character and why I don't believe in the coffee theory. Obviously I could be wrong but I've been overanalyzing everything to distract myself from THE HORRORS so here's this. ***good omens s2 spoilers below.*** this is kinda long btw

If yall dont know, the coffee theory revolves around the coffee the metatron gave to Aziraphale, and claims that he was poisoned/brainwashed by said coffee. The two main arguments, excluding that to many aziraphale felt ooc, are that a small miracle sound could be heard and that the metatron puts some attention to the amount of almond syrup in the coffee, as if he was hiding some kind of smell. I lowkey believed this theory because it is true that Aziraphale´s actions feel weird, and something else has to be going on. But that is because we are seeing things from Crowley´s point of views.

Crowley sees this as Aziraphale choosing heaven over him, the same heaven that betrayed him and treated him like shit. On top of that, earlier he saw Gabriel and Beelzebub end up together so easily, and that is just so unfair to him. However, Aziraphale thinks he is not *going back* to heaven, he's changing it, because he truly believes heaven is good, its just the people running him that fuck everything up. Where Crowley saw an injustice with how easy it was for the ineffable bureaucracy aziraphale sees a chance, specially since he's now replacing Gabriel. If he could do it then so can he! He can make heaven worthy of him and Crowley.

Now i want to go back to the metatron for a moment and how i think he really is manipulating aziraphale. If he has the power to brainwash aziraphale to do whatever he wants what is the point of telling him he can be with Crowley to convince him? What the metatron is doing is convincing aziraphale that they are on the same side, after all they both enjoy human food and the metatron doesn't mind that he's with Crowley. It's also important to note that azi doesn't know in detail that even Gabriel couldn't convince the other angels of not making another armageddon. But even if he knew he has the metatron on his side right? He believes it can be different with him in charge. The coffee is just a way for the metatron to show his “human side” to aziraphale.

Back to aziraphale, one of the moments where he felt heavily out of character for me is when he says nothing lasts forever because he spent a whole season saving the earth just so he could enjoy earthly pleasures with Crowley, and he loves his bookshop so much. How can he give this up so easily? But what he probably meant was that he's willing to give everything on earth that he loves to safely be with Crowley, and his only way to do that is to change heaven from the inside. Otherwise, they would be fighting the armageddon over and over again. This IS in character for him if you see it from his perspective.

Finally, if aziraphales decision was only atributed to some kind of brainwashing all of the possible ineffable husbands future arc would lose all its meaning. Aziraphale has said at times that crowley goes too fast for him (he said it about driving too fast but symbolism) 6000 YEARS IS TOO FAST FOR HIM!!! He needs time to process everything and we even have a parallelism with nina and maggie. Everyone was expecting them to immediately end up together just because they fell in love and nina is now single, but she needs time and thats realistic!! Shes not ready for another relationship but eventually she will, and maggie will wait for her. Aziraphale and crowley have a similar situation, only with 6000 years of angst and ineffability. The coffee theory would erase all of the complexity and chance of development of aziraphale character. Lets remember that this is the worlds slowest slow burn, it wont become fast all of the sudden. So i guess we just have to wait and see and thats gonna drive me fucking insane.

[inconveniently-discorporated]

You're not alone with feeling off about Aziraphale's "nothing lasts forever" -- it seems really cavalier in that precise moment, when twenty minutes earlier he had no plans to leave the bookshop at all. He strikes me as a character who needs time before upending his entire life, and even if he were set on leaving, I was struck by how casually he delivered that line. Normally, Crowley is the one to move fast, and Aziraphale is the one who needs a lot of coaxing to adjust.

I don't know where I stand on the theory -- I do think there is something up with it, beyond "an angel brought him earthly matter to consume and that means so much", specifically because they not only focused on the exact order but also changed it sightly in a way that would make sense for it being spiked (a dash of almond syrup to anchor the flavor and make it sweeter, but tell him it's a hefty jigger so the amount of almond doesn't set off any alarm bells).

And I also wanted to add: I see a lot of posts saying that this theory negates the character complexity -- but I don't think they have to be mutually exclusive. I think that it could be that whatever is in there, lowered his inhibitions and made him more likely to act on desires and thoughts he already had but was holding back -- a deep-seated hope that he could reinstate Crowley as an angel and Heaven could be the Good Place he always insisted it was and they could be together without the feeling like he had betrayed them, forever.

For example, even when I only get buzzed, any of these things are likely to happen:

I am prone to getting exciteable about fighting fascism and will get VERY passionate about recruiting my friends to become more politically active.

I will become very intensely set on making sure all of my friends know that I love them and everything wonderful I have ever thought about them. Usually I am giddy, happy, and outgoing.

I can and have engaged audiences who have zero interest in etymology, and waxed poetic about how wonderful the history of words is and what it MEANS to be HUMAN and so on and so forth about art and living and other philosophical topics.

I might get very passionate about things I don't like, and speak at length about why I don't like them, with a lot of enthusiasm and vigor.

None of these things are out of character feelings for me, but what may be out of character is I normally don't do or say that, or let it show so easily. I am normally quite reserved. I might think twice before saying things, I might read the room differently, I might talk myself out of my emotions. In those examples, I basically just drop the mask.

And I think that could be just as complex of a plot device as Aziraphale just having those thoughts totally stone cold sober. If he's been having these feelings all along, but was masking them because he doesn't want to let Crowley down or he's rationalizing himself out of them, would he truly have been happy knowing that offer had been on the table and he left it behind?

I don't think it would cheapen his battle or character at all if, say, he eventually confronted the Metatron and accused him of tricking him, and the Metatron responded with something like, "Those were all of YOUR thoughts and feelings, I didn't give you any of those. You were lying to yourself all along."

Because Aziraphale would still have to grapple with the fact that maybe he was lying to himself because he wanted to be happy with Crowley. He would still have to ACTUALLY work through his trauma and feelings on Heaven as an institution of Everything Good & Holy, instead of shoving it into a closet and putting on Jane Austen balls.

It also presents the opportunity to realize just how manipulative and vindictive Heaven is, that they would ferret out his deepest thoughts and desires -- perhaps ones he does not WANT to have but hasn't worked through yet -- and use that to manipulate him into a situation where they knew he would have to leave Crowley, and come back to Heaven to be their puppet. It presents the opportunity for him to draw on a well of anger, finally realizing what Crowley was saying all along about Heaven being toxic (perhaps literally toxic).

Just some thoughts to think about.

My current thoughts on The Coffee Theory…

I don’t think Aziraphale was mind controlled, but I do think he was poisoned. Almonds are supposed to signify holiness, and I think that drinking the coffee pushed his belief in Heaven much farther than it was. (There is a basis for his belief, but not nearly that much—his interference with Job, illustrates this perfectly.)

And the scene ���Does anyone ask for death?”, what an odd question to ask if you’re just getting a normal coffee, as well as the strange miracle like sound that came directly before the cup was handed over.

+ Crowley’s poisoning scene from episode 3 felt like foreshadowing, and I think it doesn’t have so much to do with “mind control” as it does not being entirely aware.

Aziraphale’s “Nothing lasts forever” line in particular alerted me to something being off, because isn’t that his character? He’s worn the same clothing for over 100 years, he upkeeps books and hates selling them. He seems to have a strong aversion to change and yet he’s ready to give it all away for power??? He’s a bookshop owner, he’s never vied for power even on earth.

His motivations seem extremely off in my opinion… because he knows Crowley wouldn’t want to return to Heaven! The last 6,000+ years have been about them asking questions & coming together in a shade of grey.

Different shades mind you, but with similar motivations and goals regarding both humanity & earth.

All this to say… Aziraphale has never been cruel and the smile in the elevator at the end seemed edged with a vindictiveness I’ve never noticed in him prior.

Additional Theories, May Be Found: Here.

[dreaminginthedeepsouth]

* * * *

NYT OP-ED

I Don’t Want to See a High School Football Coach Praying at the 50-Yard Line

by Anne Lamott

Many of us who believe in a reality beyond the visible realms, who believe in a soul that survives death, and who are hoping for seats in heaven near the dessert table, also recoil from the image of a high school football coach praying at the 50-yard line.

It offends me to see sanctimonious public prayer in any circumstance — but a coach holding his players hostage while an audience watches his piety makes my skin crawl.

We are fighting furiously for women’s rights and the planet, and we mean business. We believers march, rally and agitate, putting feet to our prayers. And in our private lives, we pray.

Isn’t praying a bit Teletubbies as we face off with the urgent darkness?Nah.

Prayer means talking to God, or to the great universal spirit, a.k.a. Gus, or to Not Me. Prayer connects us umbilically to a spirit both outside and within us, who hears and answers. Is it like the comedian Flip Wilson saying, “I’m gonna pray now; anyone want anything?”

Kind of.

I do not understand much about string theory, but I do know we are vibrations, all the time. Between the tiny strings is space in which change can happen. The strings are infinitesimal; the space between nearly limitless. Prayer says to that space, I am tiny, helpless, needy, worried, but there’s nothing I can do except send my love into that which is so much bigger than me.

How do people like me who believe entirely in science and reason also believe that prayer can heal and restore? Well, I’ve seen it happen a thousand times in my own inconsequential life. God seems like a total showoff to me, if perhaps unnecessarily cryptic.

When I pray for all the places where we see Christ crucified — Ukraine, India, the refugee camps — I see in my heart and in the newspaper that goodness draws near, through UNICEF, Doctors Without Borders, volunteers, through motley old us.

I wake up praying. I say a prayer some sober people told me to pray 36 years ago, because when all else fails, follow instructions. It helps me to not fixate on who I am, but on whose. I am God’s adorable, aging, self-centered, spaced-out beloved. One man in early sobriety told me that he had come into recovery as a hotshot but that other sober men helped him work his way up to servant. I pray to be a good servant because I’ve learned that this is the path of happiness. I pray for my family and all my sick friends that they have days of grace and healing, and I end my prayers, “Make me ever mindful of the needs of the poor.”

Then I put on my glasses, let the dog out to pee and start my day. I will have horrible thoughts about others, typically the Christian right or the Supreme Court, or someone who has seriously crossed me, whose hair I pray falls out or whose book fails. I say to God, as I do every Sunday in confession: “Look — I think we can both see what we have on our hands here. Help me not be such a pill.”

It is miserable to be a hater. I pray to be more like Jesus with his crazy compassion and reckless love. Some days go better than others. I pray to remember that God loves Marjorie Taylor Greene exactly the same as God loves my grandson, because God loves, period. God does not have an app for Not Love. God sees beyond each person’s awfulness to each person’s needs. God loves them, as is. God is better at this than I am.

I lift up one of my grown Sunday school kids who is in the I.C.U. with anorexia. I beseech God to intervene, and she does, through finding my girl a great nurse later that day. (Nurses are God’s answer 35 percent of the time). My prayer says to whoever might be listening, “I care about her and have no idea what to do, but to hold her in my heart and turn her over to something that might do better than me.” And I hear what to do next — make her one of my world-famous care packages — overpriced socks, a journal, and needless to say, communion elements tailored to her: almonds and sugar-free gum. It’s love inside wrapping paper.

Especially when I travel, I talk to so many people who are absolutely undone by all the miseries of the world, and I can’t do anything for them but listen, commiserate and offer to pray. I can’t turn politics around, or war, or the climate, but in listening, by opening my heart to someone in trouble, I create with them more love, less of a grippy clench in our little corner of the universe.

When I get onstage for a talk or an interview, I pray to say words that will help the people in the audience who feel most defeated. When I got to interview Hillary Clinton in Seattle a few years ago, we prayed this prayer huddled in a corner backstage — to bring hope to the hopeless.

Do I honestly think these kinds of prayers were heard, and helpful?

Definitely.

On good days, I feel (slightly) more neutral toward Ginni Thomas and the high school coach praying after games. I pray the great prayer of “Thanks” all day, for my glorious messy family, husband and life; for my faith, my sobriety; for nature; for all that is still here and still works after so much has been taken from us.

When I am at my most rattled or in victimized self-righteousness, I go for walks, another way to put my feet to prayer. I pray for help, and in some dimension outside of my mind or language, I relax. I can breathe again. I say, “Thank you.” I say, “Thank you for the same flowers and trees and ferns and cactuses I pass every day.” I say, “Thank you, thank you, thank you.

A walk is a great prayer. To make eye contact and smile is a kind of prayer, and it changes you. Fields and woods are the kingdom. You don’t say, “Oh, there’s a dark-eyed junco flitting around that same old pine tree; whatever,” or: “Look at those purple wildflowers. I’ve seen those a dozen times.” You are silent. There may be no one around you and the forest will speak to you in the way it will speak to an animal. And that changes you.

At bedtime I pray again for my sick friends, and the refugees. I beg for sleep. I give thanks for the blessings of the day. I rest into the vision of the pearly moon outside my window that looks like a porthole to a bigger reality, sigh and close my tired eyes.

I have the theological understanding of a bright 8-year-old, but Jesus says we need to approach life like children, not like cranky know-it-alls, crazily busy, clutching our to-do lists. One of my daily prayers is, “Slow me down, Girlfriend.” The prayer changes me. It breaks the toxic trance. God says to Moses the first time they meet, “Take off your shoes.” Be on the earth. Breathe with me a moment.

[NY Times]