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ohnohetaliasues · 5 years ago

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Stones to Abbigale {Ch. 7}

(Kat)

Okay, so I read ahead and found out that this chapter depicts a school shooting. Now, school shootings are something that utterly terrify me, but this book has done nothing but annoy me, so I doubt I’ll be all that scared.

But, if you have troubles reading or hearing about school shootings, or things regarding gun violence, feel free to wait until I review the next chapter to read on. I’ll write a short summary in the introduction there for anyone who is uncomfortable with continuing.

If that’s so, I’ll see you next chapter.

But if not, read on and we will continue together.

Let’s get into it.

I found myself fallen, somewhere deep in a conscious state of unconsciousness, some place I can’t remember. It may sound strange, even ridiculous, but I felt like I opened my eyes while I was asleep, and saw only black. Not as if I were blind, but as if the rest of existence had simply disappeared and I was just, alone. It wasn’t long before I woke to find my- self submerged in reality once more.

Good to start off with more word salad.

Thoughts of Abbi quickly greeted me as I adjusted to the experience of my physical surroundings. For a week now I had been constantly reminding myself how lucky I was to have a relationship that actually made sense.

Are you two even dating? This has not been established.

Abbi never did anything that I felt betrayed me or exceeded the bounds of reason. Davis was sitting next to me on the bus, he was talking about his Lego collection and how he loved matching colors in a sequence within the structures he assembled. He said it made him feel like there was some balance and order to his life in a weird way.

I suppose I can empathize with that. The Davis thing, not the nonsense James is talking about.

While I listened to Davis my thoughts partially remained on Abbi. She continued to fill my mind with hope no matter where I was or what I was doing.

We arrived at school on, you guessed it, another cloudy day. I know it was unreasonable to assume, but I often felt like our school was the darkest place in the city.

It was as if every morning the clouds would execute a biased agenda against our school all for the sake of depressing every poor soul who attended it. The wind was blowing. Looking back, I felt like everything about that morning was screaming at me to wake up and see what was really going on. But I couldn’t see it; I don’t know how I could have.

This is meaningless drivel, but what else is new?

Dramatic events have a way of sneaking up on us, leaving us only with feelings of remorse and thoughts of what could have been. Davis got off the bus behind me tripping a little. A normal kid would have gotten upset, but Davis, as usual, found a way to turn it into something positive, he even laughed as he stumbled.

I mean, I also laugh at myself when I screw up.

I turned to check on Davis to make sure he was ok when I heard a loud popping sound ring off towards the school.

Okay, let me note something here.

This is not how you write events.

You do not write something out of the fucking blue with no buildup. Your main character should not just exist like a cardboard cutout until the plot demands he does something.

The main character should be doing interesting things in between the major events of the story. Not fucking this.

My immediate assumption was that a car in the back parking lot had just backfired. There were a lot of crappy second-hand cars at our school so it wasn’t unreasonable, but still, I assumed wrong. Davis and I heard screams immediately after, in a way the wind seemed to turn the screams what sounded like a chorus, one familiar to the haunting dream I had about Abbi now many days past.

Oh, don’t give me that bullshit, your nonsense dream is not connected to this.

Hearing more popping sounds and screams in the wind I instinctually

Instinctively.*

I grabbed Davis’ jacket pushing him back towards the bus. Students who weren’t aware of what was going on due to the heavy wind and competing noise from the bus engines reacted as if we were being inconsiderate jerks.

I believe you’d be able to hear actual fucking gunshots over the wind.

To shake everyone into reality I screamed, “There’s a shooting! Get back on the bus!”

A sudden panic took over everyone within the vicinity. The bus driver who was already looking around, suspicious of the faint sounds he heard, reacted as well, “Get on the goddamn bus!” he screamed.

I could hear some students begin to cry out of panic as we all rushed to duck down behind the bus seats. The bus driver slammed the door shut leaving behind a few students who had already walked too far away from the bus.

NO. YOU DICKWAD GO GET THOSE STUDENTS.

The driver, despite being a grown man, was freaking out like everyone else and, as a result, found himself crashing our bus into the one parked immediately ahead of him. As the bus’s collided our bodies smacked into the seats ahead of us. One student wasn’t even hiding behind the seats yet and flew forward to land face down in the aisle.

Get the fuck out of there.

The bus driver, quickly recovering from his mistake, backed up to maneuver out of the drop off area. The window by my seat fell off the side of the bus and shattered on the ground while the front windows also began to detach after being impacted by the earlier collision.

No it didn’t.

You mean to tell me they just dislodged themselves from the frame?

Bullshit.

A thunderous gust of wind burst through the void left by the fallen windows. With the wind came the sounds of even louder gunshots and screaming as if the shooter was closer to the front of the school.

I was too scared to look but someone else had locked their eyes on the front door of the school and screamed “Seth!”

A sense of absolute horror overtook my body and tears began to flow from my eyes. If Seth was really shooting up the school I knew that meant he would be looking for Abbi.

All fear left my body. Thinking only of only her I leapt up and screamed, “You have to let me off right now!”

Bitch no. You wanna get shot?

The bus driver ignored me initially; he was too concerned with getting away from the school. He probably didn’t even hear me with everything that was going on.

If he gets off the bus I’m gonna lose my fucking mind.

The inconsistent and forceful acceleration forced me to fall back in my seat, countless thoughts pounded through my head and yet every other word screamed Abbi’s name.

My mind was numb; the wind surged through my hair. Everyone around acted almost like magnets, helplessly nailed to the dirty floor.

That doesn’t make me think of magnets, Onion. Find a better simile.

I was the only one sitting in a seat, completely lost in thought. My eyes staring off a thousand yards, my skin pulsating with heat, I felt like I was a bomb only minutes away from detonation. I remained silent, still, waiting for my numbers to fall in sync.

The fuck does ‘numbers fall in sync’ mean? It barely even goes with the bomb thing.

Waiting for my mind to green light an act that would change my life forever.

This is an incomplete sentence. What you could do is join this sentence with the last one by using a comma.

I had a moment of abnormally intense clarity. Seth had irreversibly lost his mind, I could only suspect he would likely blame his broken state on Abbi after their last encounter.

This is not Abbi’s fault.

She could not have known this would happen, and I find it concerning that James is not even mentioning that he’s worried about Abbi blaming herself for something she’s innocent of or how that will effect her.

No, just that Seth is crazy because of Abbi breaking up with him.

God, I’ve never wanted to deck someone more than I want to deck Onion as I type this.

I couldn’t take thinking about it for more than a few seconds. I sprinted up to the driver and screamed, “If you don’t let me off, I’ll jump off!”

Through what? The door is closed. Through a broken window?

You will break your ankles, you dumbass.

The bus driver plunged the bus into the side of the road violently, as a result I stumbled falling hands first onto the bus dashboard.

You are actually insane. Also, this sentence is structured weird.

The driver yelled, “You got a death wish, that’s your choice but I’m getting everyone else to safety!” He opened the door and aggressively motioned for me to get off.

YOU GODDAMN IDIOT WHY ARE YOU ENDANGERING STUDENT LIVES? DO NOT LET THIS ASSHOLE OUT DURING AN ACTIVE SHOOTING. THIS IS SO UNREALISTIC I CANNOT.

By the first wave of his backhand I had already bolted out. I violently ripped my backpack open and tried to put on my skates while maintaining my speed towards the school.

YOU MEAN TO TELL ME JAMES STOPPED WHILE PEOPLE ARE GETTING SHOT AT TO PUT HIS FUCKING ROLLER BLADES ON?

JUST NO.

After only a few seconds I was skating at full speed. I could already hear the first of many sirens to come far off in the distance as the gunshots continued to ring in the heavy air.

This entire situation is complete and utter bullshit.

My whole body felt like it was jumping out of my skin. Tears continued to pour from my face from both the wind hitting my eyes and the war raging in my mind.

I’m sorry, never in my life have I ever read the phrase ‘the war raging in my mind.’

It’s just terrible.

As I approached the school, I could see freshly fallen bodies by the door exactly where Seth had walked out as our bus left. I could’ve sworn they were all still moving but my eyes were blurred from tears and I knew many if not all of the shots were fatal.

Okay, I may have said in the intro that it wouldn’t scare me because of the quality of the writing, but I didn’t say it wouldn’t make me sad.

But in the mix of that, I’m mad.

Because Onion is taking an issue that is still a giant problem as I type this and romanticizing it in his shitty book. It’s not okay and he should feel scummy about it.

Seeing your friends die like that would be terrible and traumatic and scarring. Survivors develop PTSD because of the things that happen to them.

I cannot say I know what it’s like since the most I’ve experienced is a lock down drill because of a gun threat, but I was afraid for my life as I watched police sweep my school, while the teachers didn’t tell the students what was happening. Nobody should ever have to be scared in a place of learning.

I was scared. But I was nowhere near as scared as students who died or were injured or where witnesses in actual deadly shootings like Stoneman Douglass or Columbine or all the others, not by a long shot.

This just feels like Onision is taking a controversial topic which makes teenagers like me feel unsafe in their own schools and using it to cause relationship drama between his protagonists, using it as a plot point when the plot could have gone in many different directions. I’ve seen books which are about school shootings, but they’re respectful of victims of actual massacres.

This.

This isn’t one of them. This is romanticizing and in poor taste. And it pisses me the hell off.

Okay, rant over, let’s keep going.

I didn’t know much of anything about human anatomy, but through the blur I could tell Seth was shooting people mostly in the neck and head, leaving little for medics to work with.

I reiterate. This is disgusting.

I fell to my knees at the entrance whipping my legs around while simultaneously straining to take off my skates. The floor was too slippery with blood to move anywhere on those tiny wheels.

You’re a fucking idiot for putting them on in the first place.

My pants already had bloodstains from the bodies near by.

Is the floor just slick with blood?

That’s kind of bullshit.

I had no time to focus on what was happening, I had no time to consider anything but Abbi’s safety. I ran off in my socks, one barely even on my foot, leaving everything at the entrance, I felt I was running entirely on an autopilot function I didn’t even know I had.

All of this is just so disrespectful and insensitive. 

In only seconds I saw more blood than I had seen, let alone imagined, in my entire life. The inside of the school was soaked with the sounds of sobbing students  

Do not ever say something is soaked with sounds. It makes no sense.

Part of me hopes Onion sees this review before he goes to prison. If he makes a video about me, I will laugh my absolute ass off. And he can die mad about it. 

who weren’t shot but too scared to move or even function. One student, clearly in shock was just crawling down the hall wailing and shaking.  

I-

Why?

That just makes me think of a cheap haunted house and that isn’t a good visual to have when you’re writing about a school shooting.

The thought of Abbi shook me out of the sorrow I felt for that student. The first place I could think to look for Abbi was her locker and I was already half way there.

Why the hell would Abbi be near her locker during all of this?

Is she completely brain dead?

I approached and found nothing,

Yeah, unsurprising since you’d have to be a moron to stand out in the open.

Like James since he’s literally running out in the open.

no one was even shot in the area of her locker, and I had to look elsewhere. As I returned to the entrance area of the school I crouched next to a table and froze in place to listen for any sign of where Seth was; it felt like minutes, but I imagine it was only seconds.

My state of mind likely altered my perception of time, every survival based operation functioning to its maximum ability aside from my flight instinct that demanded I run and hide like the rest.

Yeah, I would advise that, dipshit. Get the hell out of there.

Another gunshot had finally violently shattered the sound of whimpers and lungs desperately choking for air as they filled with blood.

I cannot with this description. All I can ask is: what the hell is wrong with you?

The gunshot sound was distant as if it went off outside, on the other end of school.

Okay so someone said they saw Seth outside the school or near the front less than a few minutes ago. Did he just teleport to the other end of the school? That is the only explanation for how he would get over there so fast.

Sprinting off in the direction of what I had already accepted as potentially my final destination, Abbi remained at the forefront of my mind.

I would appreciate if you’d tell me where the fuck that is.

Bursting out the side doors of Lakewood High I crouched and froze in place again. My senses once more ignited.

I immediately heard a voice scream out “I will not let you do this you psychopath!” It was an old woman, the only old woman I ever knew to go anywhere near the trailer classrooms just ahead.

It had to be Mrs. Stanley. I shot forward like a cannonball being fired on a long awaited enemy.

If you ever use that simile again it’ll be too soon.

Even the wind felt like it had stepped aside to let me pass without resistance.

Oh, no it didn’t.

As the art trailer came into view I could see Mrs. Stanley approaching Seth, she stood tall without any indication of fear. Seth was dressed in a long white coat with a pure white outfit underneath. This was all clearly premeditated; like he wanted to proclaim how much blood he had shed, not just around him, but on his body as well. He got what he wanted; he was drenched from collar to shoe in the blood of his fellow students.

Is that supposed to be poetic or something?

It’s just deeply disturbing.

Despite Mrs. Stanley's aggressive stance, Seth barely paid attention to her and limped by her trailer as if she didn’t even exist. I assumed his crippled posture was the result of the unfathomable reality he had found himself faced with.

I’m sorry, what?

He’s limping when he isn’t injured? That makes no sense and it isn’t poetic or deep. It’s just meaningless word salad.

What he was subjecting everyone to, the mortifying level of terror and suffering was like nothing he had likely imagined. Going back wasn’t an option on any level; Seth was already dead to the world for what he had done.

Okay, I don’t care how poetic this all is, this is just disturbing.

He had to have known there was no peace in life left for him in life. No place to hide or chance of ever feeling safe from judgment or persecution again.

I mean, it’s not wrong.

He’s 100% going to prison forever if he doesn’t kill himself before being caught.

Mrs. Stanley screamed at him again, “You are an embarrassment! A disgrace! How dare you, you scum!” Upon hearing her verbal condemnation without hesitation Seth whipped his gun toward her like a sword being unsheathed, time again felt like it had drastically slowed as his weakened arm struggled to steady his aim.

My eyes are glazing over.

I ran at Seth as he screamed in pain just from the weight of lifting his gun towards her. Mrs. Stanley tried to step to the side of the shaking muzzle but maintained her advance on him clearly hoping to disarm him.

Please do not tell me I’m about to read about an old woman getting shot.

Because if I am, I’m fucking done.

I was just about to reach Seth to attempt disarming him when out of nowhere his gun flew in the air and Seth yelped as the air left his lungs. I screeched to a halt in my blood soaked socks trying to process what was happening.

I have no words, I just don’t.

My watery eyes and adrenaline was clouding my perception, possibly even more now than before, but I was able to process that another student had tackled Seth. I almost immediately identified the student as Jason from his size and clothing type alone.

The very same boy who had chipped my tooth and pummeled my face was now beating Seth senseless.

You’re telling me Jason is here to beat up the shooter?

Excuse me, the fuck? It’s been ten days? He’s back at school? did onion just forget he suspended Jason?

Does Jason just appear whenever punching needs to happen?

In such a strange way I could sense within myself a glimmer of deep satisfaction, not only from the realization that Jason had single-handedly cut the head off this otherwise ongoing tragedy in our lives, but instead that he had without a doubt clearly held back when he was fighting me. This time I could see Jason was letting out every ounce of brutal rage he had within him and unleashed it all on a desperately defeated Seth.

That was described so weirdly that I cannot picture this happening.

Mrs. Stanley turned her back on Seth, still being dominated by Jason’s fists, leaving him for dead to go help other students. I collapsed to my knees, gasping for air as I heard Seth’s face being repeatedly impacted by the fists and elbows of a justifiably enraged Jason.

“How could you do that to my family? To all of us! Do you think you accomplished anything you bastard? You sick freak!” Jason screamed at the now unconscious bloodied face of Seth while showing no intention of letting up.

I’m just mentally exhausted by this.

Also his family? Were they at the school? What?

Is he referring to his friends? The football team?

As I calmed my breathing, not forgetting my priority for even a moment, I quickly began running through Abbi’s daily routine at school. Her class just before art was Human Anatomy, which wasn’t far from where I was. Running back inside the school I leapt over fallen chairs and abandoned possessions only to find Abbi’s class completely empty.

I am yet again alarmed that I am apathetic in regards to this.

She was nowhere to be seen. I immediately reminded myself she was normally early, which made me begin to feel she had escaped safely as there was only one door out, a door that to my knowledge had no bodies near it. I ran taking the path of least resistance out the front entrance to see students gathering near the school property line. They were bundled in a tight-knit group behind the trees immediately outside the bus drop off zone.

Where in the literal fuck are the police?

Despite my aching feet and intense stress I reached the group in little time, now missing a sock and my feet littered with broken glass gathered throughout my search for Abbi.

Most all of the girls were crying while many of the boys were giving a thousand yard stare, their eyes locked on the school.

I would think that maybe they’d be crying too.

Pushing myself through the group I could see Abbi sitting on the ground in the upright fetal position.

So she’s just sitting with her knees tucked to her chest?

The fetal position is laying on your side curled into a ball.

An overwhelming sense of relief consumed me as I fell forward to wrap myself around her.

She was shaking and whimpering uncontrollably.

As anyone would be.

I immediately said, “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there.” She lurched up only then realizing I had found her.

She grabbed me with a strength beyond any embrace we had had before, I never imagined she was so strong. Abbi was unable to say anything over her crying, as a wave of emotion continued to overtake me I had nothing I could say either, we remained speechless together.

I feel something, but it’s not deep, it’s very on the surface. Which is concerning.

Through the group of students’ legs I could barely see the lights from police cars pulling up to our school.

WHERE WERE THESE ASSHOLES DURING THE ACTUAL SHOOTING?

Everything seemed like it happened over a period of 40 minutes but it was in fact a small fraction of that. Soon after I witnessed unmarked cars, ambulances, and SWAT had all responded with a similar level of urgency as well.

Unmarked cars?

Also am I dumb or is this sentence not written correctly?

We could only sit and wait as the police sorted out everything that had happened over the next few hours. After some time I was able to report on what I saw as I sat on a curb while a medic pulled glass out of my feet.

Not in an ambulance?

They were all out of ambulances and stretchers so I was grateful just to have someone to help me get patched up since the adrenaline was no longer distracting me from the pain.

You stepped in glass, cry me a fucking river. You were lucky you were relatively uninjured compared to your classmates.

We were given blankets as we waited outside, Abbi refused to be more than a foot away from me for a single moment. We were both so incredibly relieved to still have each other, as if we were vital parts of the same system, one not being able to maintain their stability without the ensured safety of the other.

This romance has no build and no fucking reason for me to be invested in it.

Off in the distance, I could see a large amount of empty body bags being delivered. The entire area was swarmed with every emergency response service you could imagine.

Wouldn’t they have to dispatch a bomb squad?

Not far behind stood a group of reporters, significantly expanding in size every passing hour. Not too long after my feet were bandaged and I had given the police all the information they asked for, I was able to leave with Abbi. As we headed towards the cordon I saw my mom waving her arms just outside the police-establish barrier. Upon seeing her, the immediate sad reality sank in both our minds that Abbi’s dad didn’t even bother to show.

That’s a huge ass yikes.

Knowing what I was thinking Abbi tried to reassure me and likely herself in the process. She began saying her father probably didn’t even know there was an emergency

Did he hear the sirens? The helicopters from news crews? He’d have to be completely deaf not to know what’s going on.

but pointed out that he was probably still recovering from being drunk the night before.

So he just doesn’t care that his daughter could have been shot?

Okay, sure, fine, whatever.

Ugh.

As I walked into my mom’s arms she became the second woman that day to show me a strength I never imagined they had. Her hug, while painful, offered me an unforgettable sense of comfort. As she embraced me she revealed to my surprise that she had already been briefed on how close I was to everything that went down.

I- what?

This was closely followed?

I don’t know how this could have worked.

??????

Continuing to hold me in one of the longest hugs I had ever experienced, she told me how mad at me she was while also expressing how simultaneously proud she was of me for running into danger when so many people ran away.

Why not just say a simple ‘I’m glad you’re okay.’

Hm?

I imagined she assumed it was to help everyone in the school but the truth is, I could only feel selfish knowing I wasn’t doing anything for anyone but Abbi. I was ashamed and somewhat terrified by how little I seemed to care about most everyone else outside her.

Yeah, that should concern you.

The love and compassion being expressed towards me continued to leave me speechless. I felt Abbi rubbing my back as my mom continued to lock her arms around me.

Abbi is probably traumatized too. James isn’t the only one important here.

Abbi’s physical act of affection triggered a thought causing me to jolt upright. I quickly asked my mom if Abbi could stay with us that night and she responded positively. Her one stipulation was that we had to stop by her Dad’s house to first get his consent.

I’m sorry, but this just seems like a ploy to get the main characters in a bed together.

And that, my friends, is gross as hell.

We all got in my mom’s car and drove to Abbi’s house. My mom approached the entrance of their home by herself knowing we were basically unable to do anything outside repeatedly revisiting what had happened earlier that day.

You mean like ten minutes ago?

She knocked on the door multiple times and got no answer. She then walked back to the car and said “Hey Abbi seems no one is home want me to get your things for you?”

This quotation is devoid of commas and that upsets me.

Abbi replied, “No it’s ok I’ll get them myself, my Dad’s kind of crazy about intruders, wouldn’t want anyone...”

Abbi stopped speaking and simplified things “Be right back.”

That isn’t simplifying things.

My mom opened the car door for Abbi and she hopped out to quickly raid her room for the essentials. Before I knew it she was outside again with a bag full of her things. She was so quick to pack that it occurred to me leaving her place on the fly might’ve been more familiar to her than I knew.

Wonderful.

Remembering her brief comments earlier, I imagined there were many times where her home had become such an emotionally hostile environment that she was rendered unable to stay causing her to seek most any way out, even if it meant she was leaving one sinking ship just to climb aboard another.

My mom began talking about how happy she was that my sister had skipped school that day.

Um. Okay.

She said, “Who would have thought her rebellious attitude and disregard for her future might have saved her life?”

Had we not been through everything that day, we would have given at least a slight laugh but found ourselves all sitting in an awkward silence.

I have no valid reaction to this.

After cleaning ourselves up, Abbi and I walked into my room leaving the door open as a comfort to my mom. This was short lived, the end specifically occurring after my mom had walked into her room and closed the door. Our door closed with hers.

What? Our door?

Does this mean James’s door?

Initially I had offered Abbi the bed implying I would take the floor, but she sat down on the mattress and expressed almost exactly what I was feeling “After everything we went through today you lying next to me is the only way I’ll feel any comfort tonight” she said softly.

I was relieved and laid behind her through that night and a few nights to follow. She called her dad at home repeatedly in the days after to let him know what had happened, but he still didn’t answer.

I am appalled by that.

As was expected school had been canceled for a couple weeks.

No shit.

This reality left us to consume our time with the news, talking about the people we recognized in the photos they showed and checking in on various people we talked to at school over the phone, including Davis who had no problem getting upset at me for the first time in a long while for abandoning him on the bus as I did.

That is one of the first valid human reactions in this entire book.

Fortunately in natural Davis fashion, his frustration was quickly followed by jokes and words of encouragement.

Never mind.

Abbi and I didn’t know how to feel about so much of what happened. Through our time away from school we shared many moments of sadness, reflecting on the faces we would never see again, hearing the sad speeches of those left behind by the fallen, but most of all, our expressions of sorrow erupted from our own experiences. The images and screams still echoed in our minds.

This is so glorifying and it makes me sick.

Aside from sadness I felt an almost equally intense sensation of numbness. After a short time I found the only comfort that consistently broke through my shaken state was the warmth of Abbi pressed against me night after night. She was my sanctuary.

And you’ve been talking to her for a week or so, but whatever.

This chapter has been the complete worst by far. I’ve ranted about the reasons why, so I really don’t have any more energy to continue.

What I can say is that this is disrespectful as hell to trauma victims and it portrays Abbi in a damsel in distress light that makes my stomach twist. I could say more, but then I’d write a goddamn essay, so we’ll leave it at that.

This book is gross. I’ll see you later.

~Kat

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tahanismoved · 5 years ago

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mmhm, also this!

[funky 90’s beat and cityscape pan]

[singing] ♬ New in town,

[John Mulaney jumps out of apartment with rolled up papers]

♬ John Mulaney’s New In Town…

[John tries to put mustard on his hot dog and dramatically squirts his shirt]

♬ He’s spilling mustard on his shirt,

[John is in an office setting and comically drops an armful of rolled papers]

♬ He’s got some papers to deliver, but oh no!

[Switches to shot of a newspaper that reads “John Mulaney is a Great Architect” and John does an “all right!” motion with his fist”]

♬ He’s successful, and he’s got so many crazy friends!

[A black man carrying a small Asian man walk into the shot. Yellow serifed lettering reads “WITH “POUNDCAKE” WALKER & MICHAEL ITZOFF”]

[John exasperatedly rolls his eyes, puffs his cheeks, and lowers his arms in front of him]

♬ Ooh, new in town, John Mulaney’s New In Town!

[Pans in to a New York apartment building]

(low narrator voice) New In Town was filmed in front of a live studio audience.

[Fades into the actual stage and the crowd is cheering while upbeat music plays]

[John walks on stage with a cartoonish grin and picks up his microphone with a flourish]

Hi! Hi! Hello!

[crowd continues to cheer]

Hi! Hahaha, how are you? Thank you, that’s very nice of you, thank you.

[cheering fades away]

Thank you very much. Thank you very much. That’s so nice of you, I hope you’re having a good week, thank you for being here! I, uh, am doing well myself. In a couple days I’m gonna turn 29 years old and I’m very excited about that. I was hoping, uh, by now that I would look older but that didn’t happen.

[light audience laughter]

I don’t look older, I just look worse, I think. Honestly, when I’m walking down the street, no one’s ever like, “Hey, look at that man!” I think they’re just like “Whoa! That tall child looks terrible!” [slowly turns head with shocked expression to pantomime someone looking at him walk by] [audience laughter] “Get some rest, tall child! You can’t keep burning the candle at both ends!”

You ever seen on “America’s Most Wanted” when they age a photo of someone? Just take my kindergarten photo and yellow the teeth and put bags under the eyes and be like “This is what he would look like now” [puts hand in front of him as though he were showing someone a picture]

[audience laughs]

I was a very nervous kid, I was very anxious all the time when I was younger. But what’s nice is that… some of the things I was anxious about don’t bother me at all anymore. Like, uhhh, I always thought that, uh, quicksand was gonna be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be.

[audience laughter]

Because if you watch cartoons, quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about in adult life, behind real sticks of dynamite [holds up one finger] and giant anvils falling on you from the sky [holds arms slightly away from body and looks up]

I used to sit around and think about what to do about quicksand! I never thought about how to handle real problems in adult life. I was never like, “Oh, what’s it gonna be like when relatives ask to borrow money?” [audience laughs]

[John turns head sharply to the side] Now I’ve gotten older, and not only have I never stepped in quicksand, I’ve never even heard about it! No one’s ever been like, [slight Brooklyn accent] “Ey, if you’re comin’ to visit, take I-90 ‘cause I-95 has a little quicksand in the middle. [moves hand in circular motion] Looks like regular sand, but then you’re gonna start to sink into it.” [lowers hand to gesture sinking]

[audience laughs]

I was nervous all the time, but I had a good family, I have wonderful parents. A lot of guys my age I’ll hear them say this, they’ll go, [slightly lower and slurred voice] “Every day I think I’m becoming more like my dad”. I think I’m becoming more like my mom? Because I- I was watching that show “Access Hollywood” and one of the reporters said, [switches mike to other hand and imitates facial expression and voice of a reporter and bobbles head while speaking] “Up next, we’ve got an exclusive interview with Sandra Bullock’s former husband Jessie James,” and out loud, I went, [slightly higher and harsher voice] “Euch! This oughta be good!”

[audience laughs and John nods curtly]

That’s pure mom.

[a little more audience laughter]

My parents are both lawyers, they are BOTH lawyers, and sometimes they would be like lawyers with us when we were kids. I remember one time I was in bed, and my dad came in and he said “Good night, John! Did you brush your teeth?” and I said, “Yes”, But here’s the thing. [light audience laughter] [John smiles mischievously] I hadn’t.

[quickly turns head with serious expression] But who cares? I didn’t have, like, a job interview or anything. So my dad comes back and in a couple minutes holding my toothbrush [raises his arm up by his head as though holding a toothbrush] He says, “John, is this your toothbrush?” and I said “Yes”, and he said, [moves hand with emphasis with every word] “So we agree that this is your toothbrush?”

[audience laughs]

But he said, “John this toothbrush is [looks down and looks up quickly] bone-dry.” Yea, like he looked down and he said [looks down and looks up quickly] “bone-dry”. [audience laughs]

He said, “You lied to me!” and I said “Dad, [holds up a finger] I did not lie, I said that I brushed my teeth, I never specified that I brushed my teeth tonight! [points to the side slightly behind him] And if the court reporter reads back my remarks, you will see that I did not perjure myself.”

My mom’s also a lawyer, she was a different kind of lawyer with us when we were kids. My mom was more like Nancy Grace. She would just make wild accusations all day long and wait for something to stick. [audience laughs]

My mom would blame me for things that happened on the news. [dramatically turns head to the side while smiling] That is true.

I woke up one morning when I was a kid and my mom was standing over my bed and said, [vibrates head dramatically on italicized words and speaks in a slightly higher and more frantic voice] “I just heard that Princess Diana and her lover Dodi Al-Fayed have been killed in Paris”

[turns on his heel and takes a couple steps to the side]

Like I had something to do with it! I was like, [defensive tone] “Mom, I have been here all night. You can feel the TV, it’s warm.” Luckily, I had a good alibi since I was in Wisconsin and 12.

[audience laughter]

My brothers and sisters and I had this babysitter named Veronica when we were kids, and I was [hushed tone] in love with her. I was in love with Veronica. She would babysit us on Saturday nights.

[return to normal volume] And in my head, when I was a little kid, I thought that Veronica was like 25, 30 years old. I was just talking to my mom the other week, I found out that when I was 10 Veronica was 13.

[audience laughs as John wears a confused expression]

So why was she in charge? All she could do was dial the telephone a little better than I could.

13 when I’m 10? That’s just like hiring a slightly bigger child. That would be like if you’re going out of town for the week and you paid a horse to watch your dog.

[audience laughter]

Like, [turns head as though looking up and a horse and holds out hand as though holding a piece of paper] “All right, here is the number where we’ll be, [maintains eye contact with imaginary horse and moves hand to gesture lower to the side] and here’s where we keep the dog food, [moves hand up to pet imaginary horse] and you’re a horse.” [audience laughs] [John continues to move arm in dramatic sweeping motion to show petting the body of a horse] [hushes horse] “Shh shh shh shh shh, shh shh shh, shh shh”

[turns towards audience and lowers arm] Why do people do that? People always shush animals. They’ll go, [mimes petting a large animal] [speaks in soft voice] “Hey, shh shh shh…” [turns sharply to face audience with a cheeky expression and bobbles head, speaking in a matter-of-fact high pitched voice] They’ve never spoken.

[as the audience laughs, John walks slowly to the side]

I always wanted to live in New York when I was a kid, I’m so excited that I get to live in New York. I saw New York City in a movie when I was a kid, it was called Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. It is a sequel, [audience starts clapping] Yeah, how about that movie? [audience laughs lightly]

It was a sequel to the movie Home Alone.

[starts speaking in a hushed tone] I remember in that movie — oh, the kid in Home Alone 2. He gets into a stretch limousine on 5th avenue with a large cheese pizza and I thought, [turns head upwards and outstretches arm and yells] “THIS IS THE HEIGHT OF LUXURY!!”

[light audience laughter]

Now I live in New York and I’m psyched, [turns head to the side with dubious expression] but that is a stupid movie title. [turns head sharply] Lost in New York? The streets are numbered. How’d you get lost in New York?

[turns head with condescending expression and tone of voice] I know it’s kind of stupid to complain about a movie that came out 17 years ago, but I wasn’t a comedian back then. So I have to do it now. I wish I’d been. I wish I’d been a Def Jam comic when that movie came out. [aggressively] I would have torn it to pieces! Be like, [imitates a “ghetto” manner of speaking and voice with increased volume and paces back and forth quickly] “You seen this shit? You seen this Home Alone 2: Lost in New York shit? It’s a grid system, motherfucker! [audience laughs] [John raises his eyebrows and whips his head to the side and begins speaking more rapidly] Where you at? 24th and 5th? Where you wanna go? 35th and 6th? 11 up and 1 over, you simple bitch!!”

[audience laughs and applauds]

[John returns to his normal voice and demeanor and raises an arm in a sweeping motion]

That’d be my big joke. That’d be the closer. If I was a Def Jam comic when that movie came out. [weakly holds up a finger] But alas, I was not.

[turns head after every comma] I think the bullying that young people have to go through now is really rough, I really sympathize, ‘cause I was bullied when I was a kid. When I was in grade school, I was bullied for being Asian-American. Aaaand, the biggest problem with that… is that I am not Asian-American. [presses lips together tightly]

[light audience laughter]

But when I was younger, [turns head quickly and says while laughing] and this is absolutely true, people thought that I might be Asian-American. [turns head with serious expression and holds his hand at eye level] I have pretty thin eyes, I had very thin eyes when I was a little kid [sweeps hand down from top of head to eyebrow then moves it straight horizontally] and I had straight black hair that I wore in a bowl cut. And from the ages of 3 to 8, people thought that I might be a young Chinese person.

On the first day that he met me, the guy that is now my best friend — he met me the first day of kindergarten — he went home that night and said, “Papa, today I met a boy with no eyes.” [audience laughs] [John smirks and sways his head with swagger] And that was me.

Kids would make fun of me in middle school. Kids would call me a “china man”, which of the racial slurs has got to be the laziest. [audience laughs] That is just pushing two words together, [dramatically shakes head with eyes closed] no work was done there.

[speaks in an incredulous tone] It was very confusing to me because I’m not Chinese, no one in my family is remotely Asian. I mean, we take our shoes off when we come inside, but that was more of a carpeting thing that anything else. [light audience laughter]

Here’s how bad it got, though… I remember when I was in junior high, we had this music appreciation class that we never appreciated. And they took us to hear some classical music once at a symphony orchestra. So we go to a symphony orchestra. In one of these classical pieces, there is a moment where they [pantomimes hitting something with his arm] bang a gong, and every time they banged the gong, all the kids sitting in front of me would stand up, turn to me, [places hands together and bows deeply] and bow like that. [audience laughs] Which is some racist-ass bullshit, but also [turns head with impressed expression] incredibly well coordinated for a group of 13-year-olds.

13-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this day. If I’m on the street on like a Friday at 3 PM [moves hand with emphasis on each word] and I see a group of 8th graders on one side of the street [points to the side and then dramatically moves point towards the audience] I will cross to the other side of the street. [moves pointing finger with emphasis on each word] Because 8th graders will make fun of you, [changes point into an “okay” with his hand and continues to move it for emphasis] but in an accurate way.

[speaks with a spiteful tone and expression] They will get to the thing that you don’t like about you. They don’t even need to look at you for long, they’ll just be like, [uses high obnoxious voice and shuts eyes while doing a goofy dance] “Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! [sharply turns to side and points with alert and mocking expression] Hey, look at that high-waisted man! He got feminine hips!”

And I’m like, [John moves to side where he was pointing and screams in a high but gravelly voice while shutting eyes tightly and moving fist and upper body down in unison for emphasis] “No!! That’s the thing I’m sensitive about!!!!” [audience laughs] [John straightens up and turns to the side and pouts]

[John returns to regular demeanor and expression and paces the stage in silence for a moment, smiling at the audience occasionally]

When I was a boy, I was also confused with a woman sometimes over the phone, because before I went through puberty, I had a voice like a [stands up on tip toes and makes voice slightly higher] little flute! [audience laughs]

I was once on the telephone with Blockbuster Video, which is a very old-fashioned sentence. And — [audience laughs] It is! I was on the telephone with Blockbuster Video… that’s like when your gram would be like [narrows eyes and covers upper teeth with his lip while bending over slightly, yelling in a high obnoxious voice] “We’d all go play jacks down at the soda fountain!” [turns to the other side] and you’re like, [holds hand out in exasperation and narrows eyes while bending over slightly while yelling in a rude manner and shaking head slightly while speaking] “No one knows what you’re talking about, you IDIOT.”

[John straightens up and audience laughs]

[looks an audience member in the eye] You know how you talk to your grandma? [turns and holds up hand at about shoulder height] So… [John freezes his pose for a moment while waiting for audience to finish laughing] [lowers hand to side and turns slowly] I was on the phone with Blockbuster, and I’d called them a couple of times in one day to ask about a movie, and I called for a third time. I said, [holds up hand to ear to pantomime holding a telephone and speaks in a very high nervous voice] “Hey, yeah, I-I was just calling to see if you had Addams Family Values yet,” [returns to normal demeanor] and the guy at Blockbuster went, [holds up other hand to pantomime a telephone and speaks in a very low aggressive gravelly voice while shaking head and hand for emphasis] “Hey lady! I’ll tell you when we get Addams Family Values!!”

[returns to normal demeanor] But look, I wasn’t offended as a boy being confused with a lady, I was offended as a lady who was getting pushed around by this chauvinist asshole that works at [mockingly] Blockbuster video, talking to me like I’m some floozy… [with confidence] I am a proud Asian-American woman [audience laughs] and you will treat me with respect! [audience applause] I am a tiger mom!

[turns towards audience with dramatically serious expression and tone of voice] Now when people make fun of me, I deserve it. Uhh, I do. [nods] When people get mad at me now, it’s my fault, when people get mad at me on the highway that’s all my bad, I’m a terrible driver, I know nothing about cars. [regretful] I meant to learn about cars, and then I forgot. [audience laughs lightly]

Nothing that I know can help you with your car ever. Unless you’re like, uh, [turns head side to side as though looking for someone while pointing behind him with his thumb] “Hey I’ve got a flat tire, does anyone here know a lot about The Cosby Show?” and then I could be like [hunches over slightly and walks with swagger with a comically “mature expression” and low voice] “Oh, perhaps I could be of some assistance.”

I’m one of the worst drivers I’ve ever seen, and I just want you all to know that if you’re ever on the highway behind me, uh, [colloquial yet condescending tone] I hear you honking and I also don’t want me to be doing what I’m doing. [audience laughs] I don’t like that I’m in that lane either, and I sure would like to get out of it! [audience laughs]

I was on the highway in Texas recently which was like a highway filled with 13-year-olds. [uses hand to represent his car and slides it to his left] And I was in the far left lane and then it turned into a U-turn only lane and I started to make a U-turn [turns hand inwards] [begins speaking rapidly and with urgency while shaking head] but then I panicked because I didn’t wanna make a U-turn! So I put the car in reverse [pulls hand back to where it previously was] and then merged right back onto the highway [turns hand to his right and pushes it forward] [returns hand to microphone]

The best thing about that was that after that, cars were pulling up and [turns head to side while pantomiming steering a car] looking over to see who just did that piece of shit move, [audience laughs] expecting to see like [straightens up and speaks with emphasis] a 100-year-old blind dog who’s texting while driving and drinking a smoothie, instead they see a 28-year-old healthy man trying his best. [audience laughs and claps lightly]

It’s wrong to make fun of people, you know, but it’s so fun sometimes. [voice becomes increasingly low and hushed as sentence goes on] I’ve written for some TV shows, and, you know, on a major TV show you have to be careful about what you say about people ‘cause a lot of people get offended, or so it has been explained to me.

I was once — I’ll tell you this, I was writing for an awards show once, and I got into some trouble. I wrote a joke for this awards show that had the word “midget” in it. And someone from the network came down to our offices and he said to me, “Hey, you can’t put the word midget on TV,” and I said [turns head and gestures to himself with his hand] “I sure would like to!” And he said, [turns to the other side and points finger and speaks more aggressively] “No! ‘Midget’ is as bad as the ‘n’-word.”

[turns head towards audience] First off, no. [audience laughs and John chuckles] No, it’s not! “Do you know how I know it’s not,” I said to him, “is because [gestures back and forth to himself and the imaginary other person] we’re saying the word ‘midget’, and we’re not even saying what the ‘n’-word is! If you’re comparing the badness of two words, and you won’t even say one of them… [nods head with energy] that’s the worse word.” [audience laughs]

[accusatory and incredulous tone] Also, I don’t mean to gloss over what, like, little people have been through in this country, but you cannot compare the plight of midgets to African-Americans. That is outrageous! Midgets were never enslaved, [widens eyes and uses a dramatic tone] unless you count the Wonka factory! [audience laughs]

So we get into this argument, we’re going back and forth, he goes [points and speaks sternly] “You can’t put that word on TV,” [turns to face other side and points while whining] and I said, “I want to,” and he said [outstretches pointing arm and moves it for emphasis] “If you put that word on TV, there could be a protest of midgets on this building!” [turns dramatically and leans over] and I said, “Promise?” [audience laughs] How tempting would that be?

I don’t mean to complain about censorship at all though, because as you probably have seen by now, you can basically say whatever you want on television. It’s ridiculous. You can say anything you want! And if you don’t believe me, you should watch a little program called Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. [audience applause] Yeah. A show that I LOVE, because on that show you can say the grossest things you’ve ever heard in your life. No, you can’t say like the “f”-word, you can’t say that on Special Victims Unit, but people walk around on SVU going like, [walks to one end of the stage and quickly turns on his heel and walks with purpose while looking at the audience and imitating Ice-T] “Looks like the victim had anal contusions. [audience laughs] [points over his shoulder with this thumb] Yo, looks like we found semen and fecal matter in the victim’s ear canal.” [audience laughs]

Those are two real things that I heard on Law & Order: SVU at 3 in the afternoon, [audience laughter] both spoken by Ice-T. [audience laughs and John laughs as well, causing his voice to crack] Ice-T is a detective with the special victims unit, he handles New York’s most sensitive cases.

I love Ice-T on SVU. He is fantastic, he’s awesome. What’s so great about him is that he’s been with the SVU for like, mmm, 11 years now, but he still treats every case like it’s his first in terms of total confusion. [light audience laughter and John chuckles] Sometimes they’ll be in the middle of an investigation and Ice-T will be like, [impersonates Ice-T and wears a skeptical expression while darting eyes side to side] “Yo, you telling me this dude gets off on little girls with pigtails?” It’s like, [condescendingly] “Yeah, Ice. [tightens lips and nods] He’s a pedophile. You work in the sex crimes division. You’re gonna have to get used to that.”

[looks at front row audience] You know how they try and tie in, like, current events to every episode of SVU? [looks up] So there was this episode I saw a while ago that was about sex addiction, ‘cause a lot of celebrities have come out as sex addicts. So the episode’s about sex addiction. There is a scene in the episode where the other detectives are trying to teach Ice-T what sex addiction is, [with emphasis] and it takes a couple of minutes. [audience laughs]

And finally, Ice-T gets it, [sharply jars upper body backwards while framing his face with a hand] and they cut to him in this close-up and he goes, [darts eyes side to side while impersonating Ice-T] “Oh, I get it. [looks straight on with wide eyes] You mean like when someone drinks too much, or snorts cocaine, or bets the house on the ponies?”

[nods while smiling and speaks in a amiable tone] I was like, “Yeah you got it, man.” [audience laughter] And I was psyched that Ice-T understood so that they could continue with the investigation, but I could’ve watched another four hours of Ice-T just naming examples. [sharply jars hand up to frame his face] Just that close-up and Ice-T like, [impersonates Ice-T with a wide-eyed expression, looking side to side after each sentence] “Or like when some smokes too many cigarettes? Or like when someone shops too much with credit cards? Or like when someone plays too many scratchy lotteries? Or like when someone eats too much chocolate cake? Or like when someone eats too much chocolate cake and then barfs it up?”

[makes talking motion with hand] And he would just keep talking and it would slowly fade out and say [flicks hand forward] “Executive Producer: Dick Wolf.” [audience applause] That’d be my ideal episode. That’d be a good one.

I saw this SVU a little while ago, I saw this episode of SVU, and Dean Cain was a rapist… [suddenly looks surprised and holds up hand with a defensive explanatory tone] ON THE SHOW. [audience laughs] And there was a scene where they do a line-up with Dean Cain and four other guys and they bring in this woman who’s gonna look at the line-up, and it’s her behind the glass and they open the curtain [pantomimes opening a curtain] and she’s standing with the two other detectives. [hushed tone] And I knew she wasn’t gonna say this, but part of me was hoping she would just be like… [squints and looks back and forth from towards the audience and to the side with a puzzled expression] “Is that… Dean Cain? [audience laughs] [John points towards the audience and nods before turning towards the side again while nodding] Fucking Dean Cain? [shrugs and nods] That’s pretty cool.”

I also watch this show called Cold Case Files. On Cold Case Files, they solve old murders, and it’s really interesting ‘ cause what I learned from it is that it was really easy to get away with murder before they knew about DNA. It was ridiculously easy. Like, what was even going on back then? What was a murder investigation like in 1935?? One cop would just walk in and be like, [speaks sharply with an old-timey accent] ��Detective! [points over his shoulder with his thumb] We found a pool of the killer’s blood in that hallway!” and he would just be like [low voice] “Hmmm… gross! [audience laughter] Mop it up. Now then, back to my hunch… [holds chin with hand and looks around the floor] Hmmmmmm…. Look for clues. [stands up straight and looks into the audience with a confident expression and speaks with purpose] I’ll tell you what we’ll do! [chuckles] We’ll draw chalk around the body is. That way, [narrows eyes and looks side to side and speaks with a suspicious tone] we’ll know where it was…” [audience laughs]

A couple years ago, I saw this movie called Public Enemies with Johnny Depp, it was about old bank robbers and stuff. Here’s how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the 30’s. As long as you weren’t still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it. To the point that, like, those old bank robbers, they take credit for the bank robberies! Like, they come running out of there and they’re like [jumps up and squats while pretending to hold a gun, speaking in an old-timey accent] “Ha ha ha! And if anyone asks, you tell em it was Golden Joe and the Suggins Gang!” [pantomimes shooting to the side with his imaginary gun] And then they like shoot “Suggins” into the side of the wall. It’s like, what, were bullets free back then? And they don’t even disguise themselves! [stands on tiptoes for emphasis] They dress up for the bank robbery. They’re rolling in there in, like, [walks a few steps with swagger] big suits and hats like they’re going to church in Atlanta. They make a day of it! [audience laughter and applause]

[John walks around for a while, steps over his microphone cord and looks into a camera] [mumbles to the crowd while gesturing to the camera] I don’t know about that. [camera moves side to side] [John laughs nervously] Oh ho ho! Oh good, it has a mind of its own. [camera moves up and down] [audience laughs] That’s very reassuring. No, no no no… [John walks away from the camera] I don’t like robots… [waggles finger by his head] thinking of things. [audience laughs, and John paces for a moment]

[looks himself over] Hope you don’t mind that I dressed up. It was my first communion today so I decided to come right from it. [audience laughs] I was a very good first communicant.

Thank you for coming to this show by the way, I really do appreciate you coming to a thing because you didn’t have to, and it’s really easy not to go to things. [light audience laughter] It is so much easier not to do things than to do them, that you would do anything is totally remarkable. [audience laughs] Percentage-wise, it is 100% easier not to do things than to do them. [slowly turns head with excited expression] And so much fun not to do them! Especially when you are supposed to do them. In terms of, like, instant relief, cancelling plans is like heroin. [audience laughs] It is an amazing feeling. Such instant joy.

Kids don’t like that. Kids always wanna do stuff. Kids get angry, they go, [mockingly high and whiney voice] “Aw, we didn’t do anything ALL DAY.” You ever ask an adult what they did over the weekend and they say they didn’t do anything, their faces light up. Be like, “What’d you do this weekend?” [puts hand on hip and looks down and speaks softly] “I, um, I did nothing. [looks up with bright expression] I did nothing at all. [looks down] Did we do anything? [looks back up with epiphanic joy] No, I didn’t do anything.” [light audience laughter]

People especially don’t wanna do their jobs. I’ve found that out recently too. I have a friend named Megan, she’s an elementary school teacher and I was out with her one night and she was drinking like a monster. And I said to her, [holds out arm and looks to the side with a confused expression and an accusatory tone] “Don’t you have to do a shift at school tomorrow?” And she went, [closes his eyes and slurs his words] “Ahh, I’ll just show a video.” And I was like, [shocked but excited expression] “That’s why teachers show videos?” [audience laughs] She said this, she goes, [closes eyes and slurs] “Yeah, I don’t wanna work!” And I was like, “You know the kids don’t wanna work either” and she was like [closes eyes and slurs] “Good!” [pantomimes taking a shot]

I, uh, really do — I was psyched to do it in New York. Uhh, I’m really happy to live here and was glad that we could do it in New York City. And, uh, I’m not sure how you all got here tonight, um, but I did wanna say this, I’ve never been, uh, killed by hit men so I don’t know what it’s like in the moments just before you’re killed by hit men, but I bet it’s not unlike when you’re on the subway and you realize that a mariachi band is about to start playing. [audience laughs] Just that brief moment where you’re reading and you’re like [looks up from imaginary book with a pleasant expression and tone] “Oh, a guitar player. [looks down and then back up] Oh, another guitar player. [looks down and then back up] Oh, an accordion player — [expression changes to a cartoon-like dread and surprise and he speaks in dramaticised slow motion] OOOHH NNNOOOOO” [audience applauds] [John begins imitating mariachi music] [sings with a slightly slurred and lower voice] ♬ This is the loudest thing in the world! [audience laughs]

[low and almost mumbling] Uh, I was really excited a lot of people, uh, showed up. They told me that it was a big theater and I thought that no one would come. So thank you for coming. I wanted to, like, take ads out in the paper. Like, be — you know, do something to a tot so I get in the New York Post or something. [light audience laughter]

Uhh, the New York Post is my favorite newspaper. I think it’s great, I read it every day. I like reading the New York Post because reading the New York Post is like talking to someone who heard the news, and now they’re trying to give you the gist. [audience laughter and applause] It’s like, you’d get the same amount of information if you grabbed someone on the street and you were like, [pantomimes grabbing someone by the shoulders and shaking them violently, yells shrilly] “WHAT HAPPENED TODAY?” and they’re like, [throws arms out with a shocked expression and speaks in a low voice with a New York accent] “There’s a perv in Queens!” You’d be like, [pantomimes tipping a hat] “All right, thank you.” [audience laughs]

Or rather, it’s like someone read a better newspaper and now they’re trying to text you everything they can remember. [moves thumb to pantomime texting] [audience laughs and John chuckles] Doesn’t have to be right, just has to be short. I really do love the Post, I read it a lot and there’s a hierarchy in the New York Post. Uh, different people that they like [gestures hand up at head level] and different people that they don’t like. [gestures hand down at waist level] Uh, and if you pay attention, [moves hand down from head to waist level in segments] you can start to identify some of the rankings that they have.

Um, the number one thing that you can be [holds hand up and head level] in the eyes of the New York Post is an angel. An angel is a child who has died. That is the best thing that you can be in the eyes of the New York Post. The less amount of time you live, the better… in the eyes of the Post.

After that, [moves hand slightly lower] under an angel is a hero. [lowers arm to his side] A hero is any man who does his job. [audience laughs] You’ll a lot of times see headlines that are like, [announcer voice] “Hero Tutor Teaches After School,” and you’re like [shrugs and uses a low voice] “Yeah.” [shrugs] [audience laughs]

[holds up hand at chest level] Down towards the bottom of the spectrum, there are pervs. Pervs touch tots, [moves hand slightly higher] tots are angels who haven’t died yet. [audience laughs] [points behind him] There are no children in the eyes of the New York Post. [chuckles] You’re either a tot [points next to him at shoulder level] or you’re dead and you’re an angel. [points next to him at head level]

[turns on his heels toward audience and holds up a finger] I did leave one out, sorry. [turns back towards his imaginary chart and gestures from chest level to slightly higher] Above perv is a bozo. [audience laughs] A bozo is any man who cheats on his wife. [bobbles head and speaks out the corner of his mouth with an old-timey accent] That guy’s a bozo! [audience laughs]

I remember seeing a headline when Tiger Woods cheated on his wife and it says [mocking announcer voice] “Tiger says he’s sorry, but Elin says [turns sharply and speaks with emphasis] ‘Beat it, bozo!’” [audience laughs] No, she did not. [audience laughter] She is from another country. And even if she was from this country, no one has said “bozo” in 1,000 years. Who was your source on that, New York Post? Some tiny old lady that chain smokes all day long? They met her in a parking garage and they were like [squats down and speaks with excitement] “Madge, give us the scoop! What did Elin say to Tiger?” [turns and squats lower, pantomiming smoking a cigarette while squinting and speaking in a low gravelly voice] “Eh, she told him to ‘beat it, bozo.’” [audience laughs and John straightens himself up]

I’m feeling good tonight though, I got a massage recently. Went to a spa to get a massage, [chuckles] I went into the room to get the massage and the woman there told me to undress to my comfort level. Those were her words, she said, [bends over slightly and speaks in a gentle feminine voice while doing a “calm down” motion with his hand] “I’m gonna leave the room, you undress to your comfort level.” [quickly straightens up and turns] So I put on a sweater and a pair of corduroy pants, and I felt safe. [light audience laughter]

I’m trying to, in general, take better care of myself. I’m trying to stop smoking, I’ve smoked since I was 13 years old. I started when I was 13 years old ‘cause I stole 2 cigarettes [holds up two fingers] from my older sister and I hid them in a shoebox under my bed with a copy of Cosmopolitan Magazine. [light audience laughter] And one day, my mom cleaned under my bed, and she [hushed voice] found the shoebox. I came home from school and my mom was standing there holding it and she said, [pantomimes holding a box and stares forward with an accusatory look and speaks with a loud sharp voice] “Hey mister! I found your treasure!” [audience laughs]

[waggles his finger] And I never liked the way she phrased that, you know, ‘cause that made me sound like the world’s lamest pirate. Like, a guy whose treasure chest is two cigarettes and a woman’s magazine. [audience laughs] And my dad came home from work, and my mom told my dad that she had cleaned under my bed and found a shoebox with two cigarettes and a Cosmopolitan to which prompted my dad to ask, [low deadpan voice] “How does John know how to make a cosmopolitan?” [audience laughs]

I’m trying to eat better. I was out to lunch with a friend and I got a chicken sandwich and the waitress said to me, [light casual voice] “Oh, you’re getting a chicken sandwich! Well that comes with a choice of either salad or fries.” Those were the choices — salad or fries, the two most different foods in the universe. [light audience laughter] That’s like saying, “What kinda day do you wanna have? [raises arm to side] Do you wanna be active and go to the bathroom and stuff, or [gestures to the ground] do you wanna lay on the floor moaning?” [audience laughs] [mockingly casually] “Oh, you’re getting a chicken sandwich? Well with that, you can either [gestures fingers as though counting] go for a jog or smoke crack cocaine.” [audience laughs lightly] [mockingly light and slightly feminine] “Oh, huh, well… [moves hand in circular motion to gesture to imaginary table] if I get a plate of crack for the table, [outstretches hand to imaginary person] would you have some? You’d have crack if I got a plate of crack? Yeah, okay, yeah we’ll take an order of crack.” [light audience laughter]

[suddenly turns and speaks with purpose] Sometimes when people order fries, [playfully] they act like it’s a little adventure. They’ll be like, [turns to side and speaks in a feminine voice] “Should we get a plate of fries for the table? [looks side to side] Should we do it? Should we-should we share some fries? [nods] [returns to normal demeanor and turns toward audience] They gotta make sure that everyone’s onboard with it, it’s like [outstretches arm to gesture to imaginary table and returns to feminine voice] “If I get fries, you’ll have a couple, right? If I get fries for the table, you’ll have — [bats hand at imaginary person and speaks playfully] I know you’ll have fries if I get fries — should we do it? Yeah, let’s be bad! C’mon, let’s do it, all right, [looks up and behind as though speaking to a waiter, speaks with confidence] we’re gonna take a plate of fries!” [return to usual demanor] It’s like a group of couples agreeing to do ecstasy together. [audience laughter]

I have a girlfriend now, uh, myself, which is weird because I’m probably gay based on the way I act and behave and… [audience laughs] have walked and talked for 28 years. [light audience laughter] [shrugs] I think I was supposed to be gay. I think, like, in Heaven they built, like, three quarters of a gay person and then they forgot to flip the final switch, and they just [gestures pushing something] sent me out and it was like, [turns to one side] “You marked that one gay, right?” and it was like, [turns to other side with shocked low voice] “Oh no! Was I supposed to?” [audience laughs] and they were like, [slightly lower and frazzled voice, looking side to side] “Oh man, well this’ll be a very interesting person. [audience laughs] [lighthearted playful voice] This’ll be a very silly person.” [audience laughter]

I was definitely gay when I was a little boy. [light audience laughter] A lot of little boys are gay. You know, they’re very [sways arms and legs] flowy and they have [chops air with hand] very hard opinions on things. [audience laughs] I don’t mean that I was a sexually active gay man when I was a little boy, that’s not what I mean. When I was a little boy, I was more like a 67-year-old gay man [slowly and gently tosses hand in front of him] that’s kind of over it sexually, you know. I was just like an old queen, I would just come out of the recess yard and be like, [closes eyes and dramatically sweeps arm to the side, speaking in a high slightly drawled voice] “Everyone get outta my way, [audience laughs] I just wanna sit here and feed my birds.” [audience laughter] The gym teacher would tell me to play kickball and I’d be like, [narrows eyes and speaks with a slight drawl] “You want me to do whaaaat?” [turns head and chuckles] [audience laughs]

Real quick, this happened pretty recently, I was in a restaurant near here in the West Village and I was at the urinal [gestures in front of him as though there were a urinal] and an old gay man came in the bathroom with a walker like this [squats slightly and pretends to have a walker] and he said this to me, he went, [closes eyes and leans back slightly, speaking in a high voice with a New York accent] “I’m either having a drink or I have to pee, you’re livin’ the golden years, kid, not me,” [stands up straight with amazed expression] like, he spoke in rhymes, it was crazy. [audience laughs] It was such a weird interaction that I wasn’t sure if it actually happened. I came out of the bathroom and I asked my girlfriend, I was like, [points behind him with a confused expression] “Did you see, like, an old man follow me in the bathroom?” and she was like [looks down slightly and speaks with a slightly higher voice] “John, [looks up and turns head suddenly] that bathroom’s been closed for forty years! [audience laughs] [John shakes head up and down to make his voice fluctuate] Whooooooaaaa!!! Whoooooooaaaaaa!!!! [audience laughter]

Where was I? I’m not gay, but I might be, and I have a girlfriend, aaand she’s a female person. [chuckles] [audience laughs] It’s going very well, I love her very much, and so a few months ago she was like, [moves hand in a circular motion and speaks deadpan] “Okay, it’s going well, so now I should meet your parents.” Because that what people do when a relationship is going well. They meet each other’s parents, and I’ve never understood that. I’ve never been with my girlfriend and thought like, [slow suggestive voice] “Oh, honey, tonight is going great, but do you know what would make it perfect? [audience laughs] Charles and Ellen Mulaney. [audience laughter] Come on! [chuckles] Let’s get them in the mix. We’ve been going pretty hot and heavy lately, I think it’s time we bring in two older Catholic people.” [audience laughs]

My girlfriend’s a female and I had all these friends that were female. So when I started dating her I was like “oh great, they’ll all get along… no.” Not even a little at the beginning. I don’t want to make any generalizations about women because I don’t know shit about women, but if there is one thing I’ve learned in my personal experience is that I think women can be friends with each other, (In a hesitant tone) but I think it can be tricky sometimes when you force women to hang out with each other. I think that sometimes doesn’t work.

Like, I don’t think that you could ever put together a heist with women. Does that make sense? Oceans eleven with women would never work! Cause’ two would keep breaking off and start talking shit about the other nine. Or not even talk shit, just say weird passive aggressive things while they break into the casino.(Pretending to break into a safe with a stethoscope) Just be like: “aww, I love how you just wear anything.”

(Audience Chuckles)

My girlfriend is wonderful though. I listen to everything my girlfriend says. I don’t mean she bosses me around, I just listen to everything she says because before I had a girlfriend, I never had someone whose always standing next to me (Steps to the side and acts as if someone is currently standing next to him) who can just point out obvious things that are happening.

Like we’ll be in a restaurant and my girlfriend will be like: “you ordered your food an hour ago. It should be here by now” and I’m like “yeahhh it should!” It’s like having a lawyer for everyday life. She’ll be like: “the bus driver shouldn’t talk to you in that way” and I’m like: “no he shouldn’t!” (As he waves his arms around as if in confidence). Before I had a girlfriend, I had no standard of how I should be treated as a human being. You could do anything to me and I was just like a young Motown singer. I was like shiny and dumb and easy to trick. I’m like (in a Motown/black accent): “aww man, you’re gonna give me a whole hundred dollas for all of my songs? Where do I sign Mr. Berry Gordy?”And now when I’m not with my girlfriend you can still do anything to me. I can tolerate any treatment.

Like I try to travel alone sometimes you know and I’ll put up with anything. Like ill book a ticket on some garbage airline. You know I don’t want to name any actual airline so lets just make one up and so lets just call it delta airlines. So I’ve got my ticket at “Delta Airlines”(Does air quotes) and I show up at the airport. “Can I get on the plane now please (figuratively hands ticket to fake person)?” And their like (In a maniacal irritated tone): “NO! ITS BEEN DELAYED 9 HOURS! (Spits)” and I go (Like a child) “Okayyy” and I go to the bathroom. Then I come out of the bathroom and I go(Like a child): “any updates?” and they go (In a maniacal irritated tone): “yeah, we took off while you were in the bathroom. BECAUSE WE HATE YOU. Now take this meal voucher that doesn’t work, GO! FETCH! (As if he pretends to throw a stick for a dog playing fetch).” And I go (Like a child): “Okayyyyy” and I go over to the Wolfgang puck express and am like(Like a child): “Can I have a sandwich please?” and they go (In a maniacal irritated tone): “NOOOOOOOOO!” and I go(Like a child): “Okayyyyyy” and they go(Like a bully at school): “You’re a little fat girl aren’t you?” and I go(Like a child): “noooo! Noooo!” and they go (Like a bully): “Say it!’ and I go (Like a child): “I’m a little fat girl.” And then I go over to the Delta help desk, which is an oxymoron and I go(Like a child): “Can I please go home on an airplane?” and they go(In a maniacal irritated tone): “Nooooo! In fact, we’re gonna frame you for murder! And you’re gonna go to jail for 30 years!” and I go(Like a child): “Why are you doing this to me?” and they go(In a maniacal irritated tone): “Because we’re Delta Airlines: life is a fucking nightmare!” But with my girlfriend she would be like: “Let’s see if Southwest has any flights?” So it’s better… (Audience laughs and claps lightly)

My girlfriend is a Jewish woman, which is I did on purpose. (Audience laughs) Uhhhh, that sounded creepy. I don’t mean like: “ahhh I got one!”(Pretending to grab someone) I mean I… I… I’m not Jewish, but I’ve always liked Jewish people. I just like them a lot. And I really like dating Jewish women. They’re great! Because I think what a lot of people have in relationships is communication cause guys don’t know what women are thinking. And with Jewish women you don’t have to guess what they are thinking. They will tell you. Yeah, this is going to get playfully anti-Semitic so just allow it to go there. I’ll get in trouble, you won’t. I really do mean this though I… I really admire that Jewish people, in my own personal experience, have, are very up front with their feelings. They’re very… they’re very vocal about their thoughts and feelings and I just think that’s really admirable.

You know, I’m Irish, and Irish people wont tell you a thing. Irish people keep it so bottled up you know? Like the thing with Irish people is: “I’ll just keep all my emotions right here(Points to heart) and then one day, I’ll die.” Like in Ireland it’s like(In Irish tone): “oh your boy, he died.” And it’s like(In Irish tone): “Alright bury the boy, do it bury the boy. Burry the boyyyyy.” (Audience laughs) Irish people don’t want comfort. Look at a sweater made in Ireland. Its like a turtleneck made out of “Brillo” pads. I used to date gentile women and… (Pauses)… (Audience laughs)… I dated this girl she used to stare out the window all day long and I’m like, what’s wrong (In a sarcastic playful tone)? And she’d be like: “you wouldn’t even understand if I told you.” (In a pissed off tone) What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?!? (Audience laughs)

My Jewish girlfriend and I don’t have to guess what’s wrong! She comes in the room and…(stutters) and then we can move on from there. That’s what I mean. She’s very focused. She’s very in the moment, you know. And that’s a good thing in a significant other. She’s very present. Jews don’t daydream, (In a playful tone) ‘cause folks are after ‘em and they gotta stay sharp, you know what I mean? They have to be there. They haven’t let their minds wander since Egypt. They just stay sharp. They go (frantically speaking and pointing): “Who’s that? Who are you? What’s that? What’s that over there? Don’t do that!” (Audience Laughs)

“I’m Irish… I keep things very bottled up, and I don’t drink. Which is not what you’re supposed to do when you’re Irish. I don’t drink. I used to drink and then I drank too much and I had to stop. That surprises a lot of audiences because I don’t look like someone who used to do anything. (Audience laughs, Mulaney imitates sitting in a chair eating) I look like I was just sitting in a room in a chair eating Saltines for like 28 years and then I walked right out here. But I did, I used to drink a lot and then I stopped. I don’t know if anyone here is thinking about quitting drinking but you need to know 2 things if you’re thinking of quitting drinking.

The first is that when you stop drinking and you still go to parties where people are drinking, they will have no idea what to offer you. Like once people start drinking for the night, they forget everything that isn’t alcohol. Like ill show up at a party and they’ll be like: “(acting as if to point) Hey everybody! Alright we got Coronas in the fridge and Oh! Hey! Mulaney! Would you like, like an old turnip we found in the cabinet? Would that be good for you? Would you like that? (His eyes are now wide open). I know you don’t drink (winking, audience laughs). Or my girlfriend left a Nuva Ring in the fridge, would you want that? (winking) I know you don’t drink!” (Pauses)

Also if you quit drinking you’re about to lose the greatest excuse in your life, which is (As if talking to a girl):“I’m really sorry about last night. I was just too drunk…” That is a get out of jail free card that you don’t even realize you’ve had until you lose it. I can’t say that anymore. I can never be like: “Sorry about last night, I was just so drunk.” Now I have to be like(As if to a girl again): “I’m really sorry about last night, it’s just that I’m mean and loud, (pauses) it probably will happen again.” (Audience laughs)

Now I, myself — I quit drinking ‘cause I used to drink too much and then I would black out and I would “ruin parties”… or so I’m told. (Audience laughs) When you do that enough, you black out drinking and you do crazy things, you kind of become like Michael Jackson. Like any story anyone says about you might be true and (Acting mysterious) even you don’t know by the end. I saw an interview with Michael Jackson before he died and they were like(Like a reporter): “Is it true you bought the elephant man’s bones? And he was like(Pretending to be Michael Jackson): “I don’t know!” Ya know, cause how could he keep track of that? (Audience lightly laughs)

So I would hear stories about myself. Here’s a story I once heard about me. I guess I was 20 and I was at a party at someone’s house and I had blacked out drinking, and someone came out of one of the rooms at this party holding like an old antique bottle with some liquid in it, and they said, “Hey, is this whiskey or perfume?” And apparently I grabbed it, drank all of it (pretending to drink a bottle), “ and said (pretending to throw the bottle behind his head): “It’s perfume.” And it was.

Another story I heard about myself — this one happened in high school. Uh, We had this teacher in high school whose kid went to our high school. His name was Mr. McNamara and his son Jake McNamara went to our high school. He was a sophomore when I was a senior. So he was two years behind me. And Mr. McNamara was an asshole. And one weekend, he and his wife decided to leave town, which you should never do IF YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE! (Audience laughs) And Jake McNamara decided to throw a party at the teacher’s house. (Sarcastic) Hooray! And everyone around town heard about it and we all got up individually and thought(Speaking maniacally), “Okay, let’s go over there and destroy the place.”

I walked into this party. Everyone I had even met was at this party, and everyone was drinking like it was the end of the world. (Audience laughs) People were drinking like it was the civil war and a doctor was coming to saw our legs off. (Audience laughs)It was totally unsupervised; we were like dogs without horses… we were running wild. I walked down (pauses) I walked down to the basement, they had a pool table in the basement. One dude took a running start and threw his body onto the pool table and broke it in half. Another kid found out which room was Mr. McNamara’s and went upstairs and took a shit ON HIS COMPUTER! (Audience laughs) So the party was going great (sarcastically).

I’m standing in the basement, and I’m holding a red cup you’ve seen in movies. And I’m standing there and I’m holding a red cup and I’m starting to black out and I guess someone said like “something something police.” and in a brilliant moment of word association, I YELLED “FUCK DA POLICE! FUCK DA POLICE!” (In a drunken accent, Audience laughs). And everyone else joined in, 100… drunk… white… children yelling “Fuck da police” with the confidence of guys who have already been to jail and aren’t afraid of it anymore. (Audience Laughs)You know, like the: “I served my nickel! You come and take me!” confidence, but white children. (Audience laughs)

The reason someone had said “something something police” was because the police were there. So a Chicago police officer walked down the stairs and got to the bottom in the basement and looked out over a sea of drunk toddlers YELLING: “FUCK THE POLICE” In his face. He was almost impressed. He was like [whispering] “WOW.” And then he leaned into his walkie-talkie and my friend john, who is now a father — this man now has a baby — (Imitating the action)he grabbed a 40, smashed it on the ground and yelled: “SCATTER!!”

And everyone ran in a different direction. We all ran in different directions. It was like that scene in “Ratatouille” when the humans come in the kitchen and all the rats go in different ways. (Audience laughs as Mulaney acts frantic)We all ran in different directions, I ran into the laundry room and I jumped up on the washing machine and I crawled out through a window into the backyard and now I’m running through the backyard and there was this big chain link fence and I thought I’ve never climbed a fence that high before. And then I woke up at home (pauses, audience laughs).

On Monday, I went to school, cause that’s what we did back then. (Audience laughs) And I’m walking into the school building and who do I see but Jake McNamara. And he says to me “hey, were you at my party on Saturday?” and I was like: “No” you know, like a liar (Maniacally, then pauses). And he said things really got out of hand: “Someone broke the pool table, someone took a shit on my dad’s computer, But the worst thing” he says — “the worst thing is that someone stole these old antique photos of my grandmother and my parents are freaking out about it.” and I had that thought that only blackout drunks and Steve Urkel can have (pauses, audience laughs and claps while he says): “Did I do that?”

I figured no, I would never do that. I was never sure until two years later (audience in shock) … relax. I’m playing video games with this kid named Alex that we also went to high school with. Two years later, we’ve graduated by now. We’re playing video games for a couple hours, and then Alex says to me(in a hushed tone), “Hey, come here. I want to show you something.” And he takes me into his bedroom and then he takes me into a side room off of his bedroom. Never a good thing to have. (Laughing) (Mulaney is in a hushed voice even worse than before) And he shows me a tiny room that is covered wall to wall in stolen antique photos from different people’s parties over the years. (Audience laughs) And I said: “Why? Why do you do this?” and Alex said “Cause it’s the one thing you can’t replace.” (Long pause, Audience is laughing hard now) That’s the end of that story but how fucked up is that? That’s crazy! (audience laughs more and claps)

So I don’t drink anymore… and its weird you know? I miss it sometimes because drinking can kind of calm your nerves and I live in New York now and sometimes you can see things that will make you anxious you’ll see troubling things out on the street. I was coming into my apartment building one night and I saw in front of my building a wheel chair, knocked in its side with no one in it. (audience laughs but almost in confusion) That’s a bad thing to see. Something happened there… you hope it was a miracle… but probably not… probably something worse. (audience laughs)

And I don’t like argument, some people like to argue, you know? They think it’s like an art. And I don’t like it, I think its because really ordinary arguments can get really dramatic really quickly. Like I was talking to a friend recently, and I told him I didn’t think I believed in the death penalty, and my friend said to me: “oh, so you’re telling me, that if you saw Hitler… walking down the street… you wouldn’t kill him?” (Audience chuckles) That wasn’t what I was telling you, but alright, lets talk about this entirely new topic. What would I do if I saw (giggling) Adolph Hitler (acting out a walking motion) just walking down the street? Well first off I wanted to know what did my friend mean? Did he mean I see a guy in like the military outfit with the little moustache, cause then I would assume that’s someone dressed up as Hitler. (Audience laughs) I’m not gonna kill that guy. I’m not gonna kill an actor and ruin Indiana Jones 5 just cause I don’t understand costumes. Or does he mean I’m walking down the street and I see like an old old man who I think might be Hitler based on my memory of what Hitler looks like. I’m not gonna kill that guy either, because I am often wrong. Id murder him and people would be like: “Woah! You just killed an old old man! (Acting it out)” and Id be like: “he looked like Hitler!” and they’re like: “Yeah, a little…” (Audience laughs and claps)

I have a lot of strange interactions on the street. Years ago, I was walking down the street and a homeless guy came up to me. And he walked up to me he pushed me like that (as he acts out a pushing motion), he pushed me in the chest. And then he said these things in this order. He pushed me and he said (in a strange accent): “Excuse me, I am homeless, I am gay, I have aids, I’m new in town.” (Mulaney looks confused as the audience cracks up) You’re gonna close with “New in town?” that is not the most dramatic thing you just said. As they said in the movie Jerry McGuire: “You had me at AIDS.” Here’s how I would’ve ordered those things, I would’ve said: “Excuse me, I’m new in town, and it gets worse.” Didn’t that guy practice his like pitch at all in the mirror that morning and just figure out what he was gonna say? Ya know in the morning ya know just be like (He then imitates what this gay man would be doing in the mirror): “Alright now what am I gonna do today, what am I gonna do tonight? Imma walk up and say hello, no that’s too subtle imam push him. Imma push him. And I’m gonna say I’m new in town, no no hold back hold back. Save it. Build to that. I’m about to walk up to him, imma push him and go I HAVE AIDSSSS, no that’s too strong… alright. (Cracking himself up as he does this) imam walk up to him, push him and start with the fact that I am homeless, as that is a given. Then for back story I will pepper in the fact that I am gay.” (Audience laughs)

Which I know its tough for gay youth on the street, but that’s not like a reason for money. You cant be like, hey would you help me out I’m very gay? (audience laughs) Like a few dollars… I always love how he phrased it by the way. He never mentioned living on the street, he said I’m new in town, like it was intriguing. Like he wanted me to set him up with somebody. Like I have a friend whose like: “There’s no single guys (‘guys’ in New York accent) left in Manhattan.” And I’m like: “I know someone whose new in town.” (Pretends to be his friend now)“What are 3 other things about him?” (Audience claps and cheers)

Just too anxious for a lot of things, I get nervous all the time, not even about like major life things, just about like everyday situations. Like this is my regular speaking voice, but if I’m in a pubic bathroom and someone knocks too suddenly on the door or stall door, I go into a whole different speaking voice. Which is “Eh, someone’s in hereee. Someone’s in hereee. (In a strange almost British accent)” so they’re gonna be like: “I think there is a carnival barker in there. I think someone’s trying to drum up business for a carnival.”

I decided to do something about this anxiety recently. I decided I was gonna try and get a Xanax prescription. I don’t know if anyone here has ever tried Xanax, but its fantastic (a few claps) very muted claps for Xanax. You don’t really get woos, its more like yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh. I didn’t know how to get a Xanax prescription though, drugs like that a tricky sometimes, but I talked to a friend of mine and he said oh yeah, I did this. He said that he had a regular doctor’s appointment and at the end of it he said to his doctor: “Hey doctor, sometimes I get nervous on airplanes.” And the doctor just wrote him a Xanax prescription. And I’m like yeah, that’s the type of lowbrow shit I’m looking for. Ill take your advice, friend I’ve never listened to before. (Audience laughs)

So I go to a clinic, and I go in and I’m just going to go in for you know a regular type of check up and at the end, I’ll ask about Xanax. So I get to the front desk, and they have a “why are you here sheet.” And I wanna pick something that will get me out really quickly. And I look down and I see frequent urination. And I was like, perfect that’ll be a super quick visit you know? Ill just be like hey, sometimes I pee a lot and the doctor would be like (Mulaney pretending to be the doctor): “Me too, crazy right?!?” And I’ll be like: “I get nervous on airplanes.” (Audience laughs) So I checked off frequent urination and I sat down in the waiting area and I waited for 3 hours. I finally go back to the observation room and oh! In the observation room there was a male nurse standing there and he has a Batman sticker on his stethoscope, a Batman necklace and a Batman watch. He was kind of moving around the whole time, he was just like: (acting this out) “alright! I am too blessed to be stressed! Lets do it! What are you allergic to, besides work?” and then he’d take something and throw it over his shoulder and be like: “Beats working.” And all of his jokes were anti work, which is not always what you want from a health care professional. (Audience laughs)

The doctor comes in the room and the doctor looks at my chart and he says: “Oh, you’re here for frequent urination, how many times a day are you urinating?” And I tried to think of a number that would warrant a doctor visit. So I said 11.(Audience is shocked)That was too many times to say. The doctor looked at me and said: “You’re peeing 11 time a day? Then you may have something wrong with your prostate. So, what we need to do…” Some of you are ahead of me (addressing audiences laughter). So I don’t know exactly how he phrased it, but the gist of it was: “Hey, if this visit was to continue, I’m going to stick part of my hand up your ass. And I didn’t know what to say. Cause I couldn’t be like: “No that’s okay, I was lying. It was a lie… to get drugs. You know? Like a crime!” (Audience laughs) So what I did was, I pulled down my pants, walked over to the observation table and I put my hand on the observation table like this (puts hand on stool) and by the way, part of me was like: “Whatever… you know? You ever have those days where you’re like: “This might as well happen. (Pauses) Adult life is already so God damn weird.” (Audience laughs)

So I’m bent over like this on the table, and the doctor comes up behind me and says “ no no no, not on your hands, your elbows” and he knocks me down like that (putting elbows on the stool now). And this is so much worse than this (gets back to his hands). I don’t know why, I think its cause this has a little remaining dignity to it, you know what I mean? (Audience laughs) This is sort of like, go stick it in, I am an American. This is like you’re leaning over the edge of a cruise ship and you’re like: “ahhh we’re approaching Martinique!” he knocked me down to my elbows and then, he stuck his hand in. and you know how sometimes you’re like, I bet I know what most things feel like ya know? You just think you’ll know? I did not know, what this was gonna feel like. And this was the actual sound I made, I went: “ooooooohhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmm.” (Audience laughs and claps) But I didn’t say it, like it came from my vocal chords but it was totally involuntary. It was as if a ghost had been trapped in my belly and finally flew out towards the light. And then, when he pulled his hand out, we had gotten to know each other pretty well, so ill phrase this a delicately as a can. I didn’t not realize than when the doctor pulls his hand out it feels like your shitting cause the only thing to come out of your butt before has been shit. (Audience laughs)

So, he pulls his hand out and I thought I was shitting into his hand. So I yelled: “I’M SORRYY! This is a very routine procedure by the way for most doctors. And so far he’s had to deal with “OHHHHHMMMM” and “I’M SORRYY!” (Audience laughs) And he didn’t even let me off the hook you know? He wasn’t like: “Oh don’t worry, you didn’t shit into my hand.” He just threw his glove away and went(As if enraged)“Ahhhwahhhahwa.” And I was about to ask about Xanax but he was like: “Alright your prostate’s fine but we still need to do a blood test.” So I pulled up my pants and shuffled away, (Acting this out) feeling different. And he yells out into the hall, he goes: “Hey! We’re doing a blood test in here. Get in here!” Batman dances back in and he’s like: “(pretending to dance) Alright, we gonna do a blood test. You look different, let’s do it.” The doctor left the room, so I’m alone with Batman. I just need this blood test to be over. But first I had to tell Batman something, I was like “Batman look, I’m one of those people who, when you take blood from me, sometimes I can faint. And I was in the waiting area for 3 hours and I haven’t eaten anything all day and I’m really worried I’m gonna faint.” And Batman said to me, and ill never forget it: “pshh, you’re not gonna faint!”

So, I stick my arm out, Batman puts the needle in my arm, and I’m immediately on the ground. (Audience ‘dies’ laughing) I wake up and I am covered in sweat lying on the observation table. I wake up, I open my eyes and I see Batman’s face. He’s looking at me and he goes: “you gotta go!” and I go: “Can I please talk to the doctor though for a sec because sometimes, I get nervous on airplanes.” And Batman said: “the doctor’s gone!” so I got my stuff… and I left. The moral of the story is… that if you’ve been nervous your entire life, you should ask your doctor about Xanax because if you lie to him, he will stick his finger in your ass. And if you do suffer from frequent urination, keep it to yourself. I went to that clinic 2 years later for a different checkup and as I was leaving, who do I run into but Batman. And he smiled at me and he was wearing reading glasses to show that time had passed.

Thanks very much for listening to me, my name is John Mulaney. You were really fun, thank you.

(Walks around the auditorium as a joke, sits in a chair and applauds himself. Says thank you again, then leaves.)

(The intro music for the 90’s like sitcom plays again as the special ends and rolls its final credits)

(End)

maybe @donutspeeches needs to see this

#new in town #def not mine #mulaney

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efrondeur · 8 years ago

Note

Do you have any writing or dos/donts tips for new fanfiction writers??

I’m just gonna start this out by saying i’m so honored that you asked me this especially since i’ve only been writing for less than a year whoops but anyway... Buckle up.

Proper grammar is very important

While it might be easier to type how you text and message people, basic sentence structure is important in a. Making your writing legible and b. Making it flow well

Use commas, just be careful how you use them

If what your saying can be said as an aside, chances are you’re going to use a comma or a hyphen

COMMAS ARE NOT USED SIMILAR TO THE PAUSE POINTS WHEN YOU SPEAK GET THAT OUT OF YOUR HEAD RIGHT NOW

Yes sometimes, commas and speaking pause points line up, but it’s not always

Use sentence length to set the mood

Longer sentences slow the reader down, so using FANBOYS or semicolons can really help to create a calm mood

Shorter sentences make the reader read faster, so you can use it to show anxiety or fast paced thoughts or actions

Make grammar your bitch

Proper grammar is important, but misusing grammar can be extremely helpful in setting the mood

For example: run on sentences, bad grammar, but if you use them, it shows that the character is having one long, trailing thought and possible anxiety depending on how the run on is structured

Also, not everyone talks properly. Not everyone says “I’m going to go read.” In fact, most native English speakers say “I’m gonna go read.” Learn how the character speaks, and use that.

If you’re going to use google docs (cause lbr not everyone can afford Word) get the grammarly extension on chrome, it’s like your own personal beta

PLAN

Know where you want your fic to go and make notes

If it’s a longer fic, write out a timeline, get your thoughts down and in order, it’ll save time as you write it out as well as prevent forgetting any plot points

Write down what the characters are like at the start of the fic and then at the end of the fic. Longer fics should have some sort of change and growth

However, if you’re going to write a shorter fic, this doesn’t always apply. Some shorter fics are specifically written just to show one point in a character’s life or characters lives and therefore there might not be much growth

Stay open to ideas

Sometimes your writing is going to take you in a different direction than planned. That’s okay.

If you don’t like where it’s going, DON’T DELETE THE SECTION, instead, move it somewhere else, i.e. a new doc, and start from where it started to veer off it’s path

DON’T COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHER WRITERS; THIS WILL BE YOUR DOWNFALL

First, everyone has their own way of writing, don’t try and mimic it, or your writing won’t feel genuine to you or your reader

Second, there is always going to be someone better than you. Always. The more you compare yourself, the harsher you’ll get on yourself, and the less you’ll like writing

Third, everyone has to start somewhere. You will post bad fic. I have. Everyone has. It’s how you start, and it’s how you get feedback and grow. Don’t be ashamed of it

Fourth, you are never done growing. You will always be learning new ways to write, new ways to better express feelings and thoughts

Body language

Body language is a solid 60% of conversations, whether you notice it or not

People can actively hid something in their voice from you, but it’s harder to do so with their body, as so much of what we do is subconscious

Learn what your character’s tells are: when they’re lying, annoyed, happy, frustrated, upset, etc. Also, using general tells are pretty good, too. Quite a few people tend to look to the left when they lie, or cross their arms when they’re being defensive.

Showing is better than telling

Through body language, thoughts, and actions, you can show a character’s feelings a whole lot better than outrightly saying it.

This doesn’t mean never tell, but when you do it all the time, the story gets kinda boring

Find your audience

You want to hit moms in their forties? Write like a realistic, romance author

Wanna hit teens? Write about more fantasy and science fiction, hitting romance while still developing characters as they grow and age

Reach out to others in the fandom

talk with people, make friends, come up with headcanons together

encourage them and they will encourage you

having people to talk to about things is honestly so important and the entire reason i’ve been able to keep writing as well as the reason why i stopped for months before i started writing for voltron

Find how you relate to characters. Don’t make them you, but use how you understand yourself to write them. It’s how I write anxiety, depression, adhd, and anger disorders

Have fun when you write

Talk with friends who enjoy what you’re writing about, share little snippets, get people excited or make them cry

Get yourself excited about making people squeal because of tooth-rotting fluff, or have their heart melt with heavy angst

Read other’s works

Learn what you like and what you don’t, what others like and what they don't

See what works when it comes to imagery and what’s better to just say

But oh my god, don’t ever steal. You’re writing should always be your own. You can take inspiration from other people, but when you steal their work it’s unbelievably rude and is extremely upsetting to the author, plus it’s against literally every sites rules and copyrights, and don’t copy their writing style, it just doesn’t work

One thing I do, that I honestly wish I didn’t, but is at least helpful for me

I always get in the mindset of the character, i.e. if Keith’s upset, I get myself upset and then write, or if Lance is super enthused, I get myself really happy

This can be really exhausting and taxing at times, so do this at your own risk

Music can completely change how you write

Find or make a playlist that has the mood for how you want to write something

Be aware of how the song is affecting your writing, and change it if you need to

When the characters are talking, try to hear their voices in your head and channel that when you write

If you listen to the character’s speaking what you want them to say, it becomes easier for the reader to hear that as well

It makes the characters a lot more believable

Relationships aren’t black and white

there’s cutesy little things, fights/arguments, sex (if you write that) and so much more

think about how you interact with your friends. how you sometimes get frustrated with them and just need to be alone, or how easy it can be to talk with them and spend time with them and how sometimes it can be a mix of the two. it’s a lot like that just with romance and kisses

no two relationships are the same. keith and lance don’t have the same dynamic as shiro and allura. hunk and lance don’t have the same dynamic as hunk and keith. everything and everyone is different and compliment each other in different ways.

I think this is it and i’m sorry with how long this is, but this is everything that i’ve learned/have helped me over the past 10 months. I hope they help you too!!!

#on fanfic #on writing #voltron #klance #shallura #heith #hancesome #red writes #free association with red #thanks anon!!!!#Anonymous

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artificialqueens · 8 years ago

Text

Primary care (a.k.a. the Poundcake ficlet collection) 4/13 [Katya/Alaska] - Spoky

Original A/N: I got a lot of likes for Ch.3 of PC and it made me all fluff inside, thank you!! I also have to agree with the anon, spitting someone else’s cum into a stranger’s mouth without their consent is legit fucked up. Children, don’t do it, it is not cool. <3

Beta: apatheticskeleton. Without her Ch.4 would have meters and not feet, a lot of missing commas and 14 typos. xx

New A/N: I hadn’t planned on posting this quite yet as the original plan was to post Ch.5 with it, but I saw Dandee’s post on AQC today and as I know that she reads PC, I wanted to cheer her up.

Therefore, this is for Dandee. Cheer up sweetie. xx (P.S. The rest of you, go see her selfies, the girl is gorgeous.)

Primary care (a.k.a. the Poundcake ficlet collection)

Chapter 4/13 - ‘Chicken’

‘Hieee!’ ‘Hi Alaska!’ ‘Byeee!’ ‘Hi, Alaska!’ ‘Hi, Alaska!’ ‘Hieee!’ ‘Hi, Alaska!’ ‘Hi, Alaska!’ ‘Hieeee!’ ‘Hi, Alaska!’ ‘Hieee!’ ‘Hi, Alaska!’ ‘Hi, Alaska!’ ‘Hi, Alaska!’ ‘Hieeee!’ ‘Hi, Alaska!’ ‘Hieee!’

Alaska closed the door behind her and leaned her forehead against it. People were exhausting. She was carrying a box of chicken McNuggets and a coke with her, the only things she had had time to grab. The set was swarming with people, familiar and strange, and she really just wanted some peace and quiet.

She turned around and realised she was occupying a recording room with a huge desk with at least a zillion buttons on it, a computer, couple of chairs and huge darkened window. In front of the window there was a leather bench and she chose to sit on that rather than anywhere near the recording desk, just to be safe.

She put her food down on the bench and looked through the window. On the other side there was a music room, but it was at least 10 feet lower than the recording studio where she was currently standing, probably for sound quality purposes. The room seemed to have every instrument one could imagine and a comfortable looking red carpet covered the floor. Alaska smiled at the thought of being able to record somewhere as fancy some day. One could dream. She sat next to her nuggets and took a sip of her coke before popping out her mobile. Absentmindedly, she began browsing through her social media.

Willam had posted some excellent shots from his latest gig. Katya was once again hugging someone’s naked ass. Roxxxy had won another useless title. Alaska backtracked her thoughts. Roxxxy had won another title. They were friends, she was supposed to be supportive of this pageant stuff. Sometimes she forgot that. A like for Roxxxy. Advertisements. Some political stuff about LGBT+ rights; she retweeted them. Someone snapchatted her a dick pic. Back to instagram and Detox’s new eyebrow colour.

She munched the lukewarm nuggets and smirked at the newest Sharon Needles read by Bianca Del Rio on Youtube. She chuckled and sent mentally some love to Aaron - can’t live with him, can’t live without him. There was a distant bang of a door and some muffled noises.

Alaska glanced away from her phone and through the window, into the music room below her. A couple had just entered the room and it seemed they were fighting. She had seen Trixie Mattel out of drag enough of times to recognise him and of course also his partner in crime, Katya Zamolodchikova in full drag. The two seemed to be exchanging some very heated words based on their expressions and hand gestures. Brian was waving his hands in the air while Katya kept interrupting Brian’s tantrum, who then started all over again while Katya was preparing to defend herself against whatever Brian accused her off. Alaska squeezed her eyes shut, her brain hurt.

The conflict looked like a lover’s spat when one couldn’t hear a thing they were saying. Maybe they had figured out that the internet imagined them having sex with each other and disagreed on the dynamics? Or maybe Katya had murdered Brian’s favourite wig and it was time for consequences? Alaska smiled, it was none of her business, but it was also not her fault that they had chosen to have their fight in front of her, so she continued to watch the silent war while picking at her lunch.

It was actually quite something. Both Brians seemed to give the other enough time to express themselves properly and then gave a reply that seemed to match the other’s force and energy. It was a completely different dynamic than what Alaska was used to in her relationships. It was almost like the two were fighting but knew beforehand who was the winner and who was right, but needed to have the fight anyway. It was rather poetic really.

There was a quiet knock on the door. Alaska sighed as the door opened and to her surprise it was her favourite ex.

‘Well hello you,’ Alaska smirked at Aaron, who smiled warmly.

‘Sorry to bother, Fame saw you coming in here,’ Aaron explained how he had found her.

‘I’m not hiding,’ Justin answered, dropping Alaska to the background. ‘I just wanted some space.’

Aaron nodded, walked next to Justin and stole one of his nuggets. ‘How are you?’

‘I’m good. Watching the latest drama of RuGirls folding in front of my eyes.’

‘Huh?’

Justin indicated towards the BB-conflict behind the window

‘Oh, wow.’

They watched in silence as the fight seemed to calm down, only to be instantly back in full flames after something that Katya had said.

‘They have a better dynamic than we ever did,’ Aaron noted and stole another nugget.

‘I just thought about that,’ Justin laughed. ‘Probably helps that they’re not absolutely hammered.’

‘Or high.’

‘Or high,’ Justin agreed. ‘How’s Chad?’

‘He’s fine,’ Aaron smiled and obviously tried to hide his happiness.

Justin chuckled. ‘You now I’m happy for you, right? Not like, ‘I’m happy for you’, but for real.’

Aaron smiled and nodded. ‘I know.’

They watched the fight quiet down once again. Brian took a seat at the drums while Brian sat on the floor.

‘I just… I wish you were happy too,’ Aaron said quietly and Justin wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

‘I will be. You’ll see. I’ll be so disgustingly happy and sweet your teeth will rot.’

Aaron snorted a laugh. ‘Looking forward to it, it’ll look amazing on Sharon.’

They shared a smile. The conflict seemed to have calmed down.

‘I don’t think it’s a lovers’ spat,’ Aaron said then, out of the blue, and Justin looked at him questioningly.

‘I heard about Texas,’ Aaron explained. Justin took some distance from his ex-lover and concentrated to his food. Of course. Who hadn’t heard about Texas and the show Alaska and Brian had provided?

‘I thought you had stopped that,’ Aaron said in a slightly judgemental tone.

‘What? Sucking dick?’ Justin asked icely.

‘Giving oral-sex performances for paying audiences,’ Aaron shot back.

Bitch.

‘I have. Never asked for a penny,’ Justin snapped and stood up. That was really a low blow. Aaron had no right to judge, what they’d done in the past was way worse. Justin stood up and walked behind the recording table, dropped the half-full box of nuggets on it and sat down. He wanted distance from Aaron.

‘You really like him, don’t you?’ Aaron asked with a gentler tone, almost as if apologising.

Justin had, however, already pulled up a wall. He was not prepared to deal with this. And what right did Aaron have, to come at him suddenly like this? None. Not anymore.

‘Like who?’ Alaska drawled defensively, playing stupid.

‘Fuck that. Justin. I know you. I know you better than you know you!’ Aaron snapped and turned to face the Slytherin Queen whose posture told Aaron that he disagreed entirely.

Aaron chewed his lip. ‘I don’t get it. He’s so weird… And insecure, and somewhat disgusting.’

Alaska raised an eyebrow. ‘Sounds to me like a pot calling the kettle black.’

Aaron stared in shock for a second but then cackled his signature laugh. ‘You’re right. I’m sorry.’

‘Mm,’ Alaska nodded in acceptance. There was a short silence.

‘Honestly though, what a weird type to have…’

Alaska snorted. ‘Oh bitch, please, at least I have a type! You keep going back and forth from gorgeous to fugly. It’s really fucking disturbing!’

There was a short silence before they both burst out to howling laughter.

‘Come on, I think the break is soon over.’

Alaska nodded, gathered her things and followed her ex-lover back to the set. They really had come far since their breakup.

* * *

In the music room Brian was staring at Katya with wide eyes and holding his right palm over his wide open mouth. They heard the recording room door click shut and immediately Brian let out a loud pithy laugh.

The Brians had had what Katya would’ve called a ‘disagreement about the realities of life whilst Trixie lived on a fucking imaginary Barbie planet’ and Brian would’ve called ‘Brian McCook being a crack whore dibshit, so basically just himself’. It had started as a discussion on how Katya did not like Brian’s new boyfriend, because he treated Brian like shit. Brian had disagreed and started complaining how Katya never liked any of his boyfriends because he was a selfish, conceited, delusional dumb fuck, who only cared about himself and did not want to see his best friend happy because his own fugly ass could not even land a trick. And only after that had they started arguing.

They had just arrived to the safe-zone of apologies and mutual compliments on how important they were to each other and how, of course, they wanted happiness for each other, when their discussion had been interrupted by a strident electric sound.

‘Christ, what’s that?’ Brian had asked, holding his ears and at the very same moment a familiar voice had flooded the room.

‘You really like him, don’t you?’

The Brians had started franticly to look for the origin of the sound. Brian silently mouthed ‘Where is that coming from?’ to Katya, while she was mouthing ‘Is that Sharon?’ back. They answered to each other with knitted eyebrows and a simultaneous silent ‘What!?’.

‘Like who?’

Katya froze. He’d know that drawl anywhere. Brian glanced quickly at his best friend but then continued examining the room.

‘Fuck that. Justin. I know you. I know you better than you know you!’

There was a silence. Brian had tried signing to Katya to look up, to show that they were in a recording room, not in a practice room like the sign on the door had said. Katya wasn’t, however, paying attention to anything else except the voices.

‘I don’t get it. He’s so weird… And insecure, and somewhat disgusting.’

That was thick, coming from Sharon, Katya thought to herself.

‘Sounds to me like a pot calling the kettle black.’

Katya smirked. Hah! Alaska one, Sharon zero.

‘You’re right. I’m sorry.’

‘Mm.’

Brian had grabbed Katya’s shoulder and forced the man to look up to the recording studio, where they could see the shadow of Sharon Needles out of drag.

‘Honestly though, what a weird type to have…’

‘Oh bitch, please, at least I have a type! You keep going back and forth from gorgeous to fugly. It’s really fucking disturbing!’

Loud laughter had filled the room.

‘Come on, I think the break is soon over.’

[end flashback]

Brian calmed his laughter down. That had been brilliant.

‘You think they knew about us, heard us?’ Katya asked in all seriousness.

‘No. You stupid fuckwit,’ Brian snorted. ‘Would they have had that conversation in front of us? Use your head for thinking for once.’

‘But it’s so much more fun to do other stuff with it,’ Katya joked.

Brian raised his eyebrow, ‘Such as?’

Katya started to push and poke Brian’s shoulder with his head. Brian rolled his eyes.

‘Who do you think they were talking about?’ Katya asked then and glanced back up, as if waiting for Alaska and Sharon to come back and explain themselves.

Brian did not see the point of beating around the bush. ‘You.’

‘Not necessarily, there is a lot of insecure disgusting weirdos out there,’ Katya reasoned.

‘Yeah, and I bet the Medusa has sucked all basic thinking skills out of them as well,’ Brian snorted and kicked Katya gently to the side. ‘Are we ok?’ he then asked uncertainly.

‘Huh?’ Katya asked, confused. ‘Why aren’t we ok?’

Brian stared at Katya in disbelief for couple of seconds. ‘Are you kidding me?!’

Katya kept a straight face exactly two second before he lost it and laughed. ‘Yesyes, I’m kidding, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Yes, we’re ok, I’m so sorry. We’re ok, right? I’m so sorry - but your face!’

Brian snorted and turned to walk out. Katya was, however, faster and grabbed him from behind into a full body hug, meaning that she first wrapped her hands and then her legs around Brian.

‘I said I was sorry! I’m sorry. Can we be friends again? Please?’

Brian saw an opportunity. ‘Only if you let me go an-’

‘Done!’

‘I wasn’t finished.’

‘I don’t care, I’ll do the other thing too.’

Brian smirked. ‘And you tell me all about Cobra Mama in detail.’

Katya went little pale, untangled herself from Brian and took a step back. Brian crossed his arms demandingly.

‘But you know what happened.’

‘Yes, I have the Detox, the Roy, the very descriptive Adore and the Alyssa version. I want Katya version.’

‘Fine,’ Katya gave in and then added firmly. ‘Later.’

Brian lifted his arms in surrender and the pair exited the room.

* * *

When Katya finished at the set she headed straight to the dressing room. According to her phone she was exactly 36.3 minutes late from her meeting with Brian. When she arrived to the dressing room Justin was finishing his packing and was stuffing his make-up bags into a red suitcase.

‘Need a hand?’ Katya asked and got a smile.

‘Only if they’re normal sized and attached to a fully functional human body,’ came the reply.

Katya smirked. He knew her well. She kneeled next to Justin but made no effort to help him pack.

‘Umm.’

‘Yes?’

‘Well there’s no nice way of saying this so I’m just going to say it, then at least it’s over with, like a Band-aid and hopefully it’ll hurt less than if I wore it out, you now. So like, you must know that everyone knows about Texas. Like, me-you-Texas, and like Trixie was asking about it and I think she was upset I hadn’t told her before she heard from someone else and I have to tell her tonight, with details, and I just wanted to tell you, now that you are here, that I’m going to tell her, about the details, and I probably wouldn’t have thought about telling you if I hadn’t seen you, which I obviously should have, but now you know.’

Katya took a deep breath and met Justin’s eyes.

‘Impressive,’ was Justin’s reply.

Katya was confused. ‘Huh?’

Justin continued packing and gave a small smile. ‘No, it was just very impressive you could say all that with a single breath.’

Katya laughed and slapped Justin’s shoulder. ‘Bitch.’

There was a short silence and Justin seemed to be considering what Katya had said. At least Katya hoped he was considering it, and not for example how to slice her into tiny pieces and feed to pigs. Justin stood up and Katya followed suit.

‘Look, it’s fine. It’s your decision, and I really don’t mind. It’s a co-ownership on the details and you can do whatever you want with your half.’

Katya glanced at Justin who was wearing black tight jeans, a black Alaska T-shirt and a white jacket with a K on the back. His hair was styled and while he looked little tired Katya had to admit the man looked edible.

‘I just. It felt private,’ Katya said, unsure.

Justin laughed. ‘What’s private anymore? I have like five different social media accounts I keep updating with different stuff to keep people interested. Nothing’s private anymore and if you’re such a chicken about it, maybe you’re in the wrong business honey.’

Katya stared at Justin who seemed to be entirely serious. Then again, he probably was. Katya snorted.

‘You’re calling me a chicken?’

‘Yeah, I guess I was,’ Justin chuckled and Katya had never been as grateful of 6 inch stilettos because she certainly was a lot of things, but not a chicken, and the added height gave her an advantage.

She stepped to Justin who automatically stepped back, only to be trapped by a wall. Who’s the chicken now? Katya smirked at the thought and took the opportunity as it presented itself, she pressed her lips firmly onto his. It took Justin only a nano-second to catch up and then they were kissing. With passion. Hot, sexy, wet, hard - did she mention hot? Those were only few of the words Katya would’ve used to describe it. Justin’s hands found themselves onto her hips and Katya smirked. They should’ve been doing this a long time ago. She groped between his legs and was happy to find him interested.

It was at the exact same moment when Katya prepared to open Justin’s fly that she heard the phone, which based on the ring tone, had been ringing for a while. Brian. She stopped the kiss and pressed her forehead onto Justin’s shoulder to catch her breath.

‘Maybe you can tell her the details of tonight too, you know, to keep her happy,’ Justin said through deep breaths.

Katya laughed.

‘You should take it,’ Justin said with a more in control voice than what Katya could’ve achieved right there and then.

‘Yeah, ok,’ she replied and took the call. She was listening to Brian’s complaints about cold pizza, while watching through the mirrors as Justin packed his bags, gave her a small wave and walked out.

She wondered how long it would take him to notice that he had lipstick all over his lips and chin. The thought made her giggle.

—

A/N2: You read all of it? ThankyouThankyou! *squeeze*

#alaska thunderfuck #katya zamolodchikova #katlaska #fluff #smut #romance #hurt/comfort #spoky #primary care #rpdr fanfiction #submission #poundcake ficlet collection #canon compliant

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