#went on a nice long walk and bought myself some waffles to try!!!! i may not like them because sensory but i will try!!!!!

[yououghtaknow]

funny how transphobic anti-meds therapist has made me feel better on account of how funny it was.

[weloveabigblackcar]

I’d just like to introduce you to these random characters my siblings and I made up on a long car ride. Last year they had to go through the atrocity of being quarantined with the rest of us.

Without further ado... meet these absolute weirdos.

Quarantine from Adam’s Point of View

March 14, 2020-Day 1

So, the whole world is under quarantine right now because some geniuses decided that eating bats would be a good idea. Yeah, that wasn’t the smartest way to go guys. We have a pandemic now… Thanks…

Anyway, I have decided to document the IQ of me, James, and Garth as it slowly decreases. Not that we had a lot to begin with, but having us all cooped up for a long time in one place is bound to go pear-shaped at some point.

We didn’t really do anything today other than process the fact that we’re going to have to stay in one place for who knows how long instead of driving around the country. But I’m sure things will get more interesting as time goes on.

March 18, 2020-Day 5

Today, we braved the outdoors and went to the store to stock up. It was like the entire population was at the store, it was awful. We ended up buying lots of things we needed, and a lot more that we didn’t need. Today has been a lesson to never bring Garth shopping. We lost her a total of six times, and when we did have her with us, she kept pulling puppy eyes whenever she wanted something even though she’s 17. There’s got to be something about her being an alien that makes it so you can’t resist it. Dang it Garth.

March 27, 2020-Day 14

James keeps asking if deer can get the virus because he’s been worrying about his family. In case you were wondering, no, James is not a nature freak, yes, I said his family are deer (kind of), and yes, James is a deer... on occasion. It’s kinda weird, but so are Garth and I. I mean, she’s an alien and I’m English so there really isn’t that much of a difference.

Also today, I read an entire 900-page book. It was really nice until I realized I hadn’t been interrupted yet. So I went on an adventure to go find the children, aka James and Garth, and found them playing Monopoly. Neither of them knows how to play Monopoly, and they lost the rules, so they resorted to using the money to gamble for pop tarts. I don’t think they know how to gamble either because usually, you’re gambling for the money, not the other way around. But thank you, James, for gambling away all of my pop tarts. I can never forgive you.

April 7, 2020-Day 25

So we’re trying to make our own food today because we ran out of Eggo waffles. It’s been interesting so far. Garth pulled out all the Kool-Aid from her stash that we bought like two weeks ago that she said she’d use, but hasn’t. So now we’re making Kool-Aid pickles, and we haven’t even had breakfast yet.

Upon realizing we couldn’t eat the pickles yet, we decided to see how many different foods we could make with Kool-Aid. We made some cookies and popsicles, but then, after accepting the fact that none of us can really effectively make food, resorted to adding to our mess of flour on the ceiling and eggs on the walls by making finger paint (out of Kool-Aid) and painting the counters. We made a huge mess, obviously, and spent the remaining hours of the day cleaning and realizing that we actually don’t have anything better to do with our lives.

April 15, 2020-Day 33

Today James learned that Garth doesn’t know how to use a toaster. We had no idea she didn’t know how to use it, and I guess we just assumed she did because she looks human enough, but she’s not… They had a conversation from across the house that went along the lines of this:

James- “Garth?!”

Garth- “What?”

James- “The toaster’s on fire!”

Garth- “What?!”

James- “The. Toaster. Is. On. Fire!”

Garth- “Well yeah, I heard you.”

James- “Garth..?”

Garth- “...Yes?”

James- “Uh… How many pieces of bread did you put in the toaster?”

Garth- “Three…? I think.”

James- “Garth, you can’t put three pieces of bread in the toaster!”

Garth- “Why not?”

James- “Maybe because it’s only made for one piece of bread? Maybe because if you put in more than one it catches on fire?”

Garth- “Well, that’s dumb. What if I want three pieces of toast?”

James- “Buy yourself a bigger toaster Garth, buy yourself a bigger toaster. Or cook them one at a time, but you should just buy a bigger toaster so I don’t have to cook my toasts individually.”

And then James walked away leaving the toaster on fire. It was kind of entertaining. Who am I kidding, it was the most entertaining thing that’s happened all week even though the house almost burnt down and I had to clean it up. If I’m being honest though, I’m glad that I was the one cleaning it up because after last time... I’m the only one I trust with a fire extinguisher.

April 29, 2020-Day 47

I can now say that I have mastered the art of knitting, and I am not too proud of it. I’ve made sweaters, socks, and hats for the three of us because knitting takes up a lot of time, and I have run out of other, even slightly productive things to do. I also made little caps to stick on the ends of James’s antlers just because I can. Garth thinks they’re absolutely hilarious. She also thinks the fact that I taught myself how to knit from YouTube is hilarious too. She’s just jealous that I can do something she can’t.

May 4, 2020-Day 52

Today, my friends, is Star Wars day. We merged today and tomorrow so that we could eat tacos in our ship. It’s taco day tomorrow, also known as Cinco De Mayo, if you didn’t figure it out already and yeah… we built a ship. It’s in the living room, correction, it is the living room now, and it probably won’t leave for the rest of quarantine. We made it out of a bunch of cardboard and it took all of yesterday to put together, but it was totally worth it. We put the tv in there and a bunch of pillows and blankets. There’s also a table and a bunch of junk food. Not like we have anything else at this point. Well, we have the pickles… but no one is brave enough to try them yet. The ship fort is pretty cozy though. Garth said that she wants to live in it until this thing is over and I honestly won’t be surprised if she does.

May..? 2020?? Day… I’ve Lost Count

We haven’t been outside in the past two weeks and we’ve been living off of the Kool-Aid pickles that we made a while ago and Garth’s hoard of Pop-Tarts that are technically mine. I don’t know what day it is anymore, I’ve stopped keeping track because there really isn’t any point in doing so. I don’t even know if it’s May anymore. It might be June or maybe it’s September, who knows. It might even be 2021 I don’t know.

Garth now resides on the ceiling of our spaceship in a blanket cocoon and hasn’t come out since the week of Cinco De Mayo. She only lets me and James in sometimes for movie nights and if she needs food. I think she’s trying to hide the fact that she hasn’t slept in a month (which honestly doesn’t surprise me) and has binge-watched all of Doctor Who and is now starting on Supernatural. Aside from Garth, James and I have kept ourselves somewhat entertained. We learned how to play the spoons last week and it turns out that in you do it by ‘Garth’s’ spaceship, the creature will emerge and socialize for a few minutes. We’ve also learned how to do a bunch of random things like saying hello in 48 different languages, how to properly tie a tie (even though we’ll probably never exercise that skill again), how to cut an onion without crying, and how to escape being mummied with duct tape… that one took a while and a lot of tape.

I think it’s official that we’ve gone completely stir crazy and even when we get out of this, we’ll probably still be mentally impaired from this experience. I won’t be able to write anymore because I’ve run out of space and James needs as much attention as a newborn so farewell until… another time.

[mrsslrss]

2019.

Welcome to my annual accounting of things I loved, 2019 edition. 

I’m realizing the pattern here is to start this with a reflection of how I rang in the year but 2019 crept in pretty calmly: no big bugs to kill, no spontaneous sobs to a Sharon Van Etten song. On the first day of this year, I woke up and cleaned the house and, I don’t know, probably went to Big Bear and got a coffee and took a nap. Since it’s nearly the end of the decade, I could start there, but I couldn’t tell you where I was for New Year’s Eve, 2009; if I had to guess, I’d put myself at a friend’s house on the North Shore, drinking PBR with the guys and listening to pop-punk. That winter I was convinced I wouldn’t return to Poughkeepsie, I was so miserable, but when I did things started to fall into place.

I think my goal for this year was roughly something like, Just put your head down and do the work. When you are tempted to get fed up and wither from frustration or have a big ego about not getting what you want, just put your head down and do the work. I don’t know if I did that, exactly, if I really stuck to the goal, but every so often in a particularly challenging moment the goal would come into focus at the front of my mind and I’d sigh and acquiesce and nod at the work ahead of me. I got a lot done, I think; in this way I got a lot done. It was nice to be reminded about how the process can be the goal -- something I thought about a lot this year. Sometimes the goal looks like a result, but it’s really the habit I’m after.

I’d like to keep that up next year. 2019 was a year of cultivating; 2020, maybe, will be a year of action. Or maybe not! Maybe nothing flowers until 2021 or beyond. Or maybe I start tearing things up by the roots in 2020, who knows! 

So anyway. Here’s to 2019, and here’s a list (more or less alphabetized -- why not!) of ten things that helped me make it through.

annie’s homegrown birthday cake bunny grahams

My official snack of the year. Over the summer I was visiting MZ in Brooklyn and we got snacks at their neighborhood grocery store and I bought these, which are meant to celebrate the 30th anniversary of this snack company, taste like funfetti cake, and are definitely meant for/marketed to children. But anyway I ate the whole box and then sought them out at every Whole Foods in my vicinity (because I went online and WH is apparently basically the only place you can find them?) and started preaching the good word to anyone who was looking for a snack. By, like, September I had eaten so many of these that I could no longer stomach them, so I’ve been on a brief hiatus, but still: snack of the year.

keeping lists

I started this year with a big digital spreadsheet called “2019 things” where I intended to keep lists: all the new albums and songs that struck me, all the old albums and songs I got obsessed with, the places I wanted to travel in the year. I kept adding tabs: the books I finished, my financial priorities, stuff I wanted to make sure to read or watch. I was pretty diligent about updating them -- I wrote down every book I read, but definitely forgot to add a couple albums; I never made it to Philly this year. I started keeping gratitude lists (analog) towards the end of year, too, because in college a friend told me it helps rewire the brain away from pessimism, or something. 

meditation

Before this year, I’ve never had a serious relationship with meditation, but it always seemed like the kind of thing I would like. In mid-January I got struck by the urge to try it, so I did, and kept it up for a few days, and then I fell off, and then I got back on, and now, somehow, it’s been three-hundred-something days of it in a row. I have learned to find a quiet moment in a nice corner of my room before work, but also in a tent in the Catskills, in a guest room in Wales, in a hotel in Georgia, on a walk through Brooklyn, in my childhood bedroom. My life and brain don’t feel, like, enormously different or changed, but that’s good; it feels useful to keep showing up to something without expectation.

my siblings

Having a big family means every year is inevitably a big year for someone, but this was, somehow, a big year for all of my siblings. Mostly good things: health and healing, a wedding and a graduation, a license acquired and a course of study started and jobs well done. It doesn’t feel good to get into the hard stuff here, but there was a lot of that, too -- a lot of grueling bullshit overcome. After the wedding I almost texted everyone just to say how proud I was of all of them, but naturally I chickened out. But I really am proud!

navy blue

Longtime readers of, uh, *gestures wildly* whatever this is may recall that last year I claimed I only wore black but might be interested in navy blue? This year I determined that navy blue is so good: the color of the deep ocean, the night sky, my first Catholic school uniform. I bought navy jumpsuits, a sweatshirt, a scrunchie. I wore navy-adjacent eyeliner just in the corners of my eyes most days of July and August and September. I’m wearing a navy blue sweater right now. A good year for navy. 

“not” by big thief

My song of the year, which I knew from the first time I heard it. So much of this year (the news, the planet, global catastrophes, mass violence, etc. not to mention personal failures) felt hopeless and dreadful, but also so constant and exhausting that I wasn’t sure I could keep summoning anger, never mind do it in a useful way. I love this song because it is about abjection in the same way it isn’t about anything, about absence as presence, about not-knowing as knowing. It is desperate without being hopeless, explosive without being violent, or maybe: violent without being harmful. It’s about transcending language and different kinds of language and using whichever tools you have (Words are good enough). It’s about being swallowed whole by the everything-ness, a theme that came up in so much of the work I loved this year, the subject of an essay I’ll never write (lol). Music Twitter™ got into an argument about whether this band is good; I feel so sure of my love for this song (and most of what this band does) that I, for once, didn’t immediately assume I was a fool, or being had, just because someone disagrees with me. Instead it felt delicious and special to resonate with a thing that doesn’t resonate for everyone, a rare and generous experience for me. Imagine that.

pottery

At the beginning of the year I signed up for a ten-week session of pottery classes at a studio in Georgetown, and then when I told M, he wanted to join (by which I felt incredibly endeared). Then it became ten more weeks, then ten more, and since then we’ve gone nearly every Thursday night. Some things that are nice: learning to to make something with my hands, especially after staring at a screen all day; not being able to look at my phone or read the news for several hours (related: so many of the Democratic debates happened on Thursday nights!); having a standing weekly date with my favorite person. Nearly everyone in our lives got lumpy bowls, vases, etc. for Christmas this year, of which we are very proud.

“rooms on fire” by stevie nicks

This year, Stevie Nicks became the first woman be inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame twice and so Rolling Stone interviewed her about her fabulous career. In the interview, Rob Sheffield said his favorite song of hers is “Ooh My Love” from The Other Side of the Mirror, which is an album I had never listened to before, so I started listening and the first song just hooked me. It’s so dramatic and magical and moody! It’s right up there on the Apple Music-generated playlist of my most-played songs of the year.

stockholm

For several years one of my repeated resolutions was “go to Scandinavia.” Sweden has always been the big goal, but Oslo seemed possible for a minute, and in 2013 I did briefly entertain the idea of going to graduate school in Finland. (Imagine!) This year I got really fed up of having not really, you know, taken a proper vacation since starting my job, so I took a full week off after my sister’s wedding and planned a solo trip to Stockholm. Each day of my trip I woke up whenever I woke up and I explored a different island; I went for long runs, drank coffee, ate kardemummabullar, took the subway across town, saw a one-of-a-kind Viking ship. I burst into tears at the Moderna Museet, ate through a vegetarian tasting menu at the Fotografiska, had an extremely lovely spa experience. I read three books in a week. I loved every second of it.

wigs

I bought a big gaudy pink wig this spring in anticipation of seeing Sasha Velour’s one-woman show in New York -- or, I told myself I bought it for that reason, but I think I really just wanted the possibility of wearing a big gaudy pink wig at will. After the Sasha show, I wore it to see Robyn at The Anthem, and was delighted when, after I put a picture on Instagram, a handful of people in my life thought I had a) dyed my hair pastel pink and b) grew my hair ~half a foot over the weekend. (I wish!) I think I’ll wear it for our house’s beach-themed NYE party, too.

everything else 

frequent, long drives with M; songs about solidarity; the #saltypod; custom t-shirts; craving waffles; having an e-reader; the concept of “the archive”; choosing kindness; threatening to move to rural new england to work on a farm; being in love

[onkey-bedtime-stories]

EUNOIA - chapter 2

Chapter 1

----------------

“I met Donghae yesterday.”

That’s how Taemin greets his sister on a random phone call one afternoon. As hard as she tried to be chill about it, Eunsook cannot help but shake in panic, intrigued by his words. She ran to the closest bench she could find and put her camera safely on her laps.

“You know that we’re adults, right? We don’t need to inform each other anymore like when we were kids and used to match our scenario to lie to Mom and Dad.”

The tremble on her lips seemed readable from the other line, making Taemin snickers on his bed.

“And since we’re adults it means now we lie to each other instead to our parents? Wow. Just wow, Lee Eunsook.”

“As I remember you were the one who banned me for weeping around on anyone whom acquaintance with him. Am I right?”

“You are. You’re always right beside this particular choice on men.”

“So?”

“I just let you know that yesterday I met Donghae.”

“Just let me know? You think I didn’t know how sneaky you are telling me stuff just because you are childishly curious on how I would react? Well, try harder, baby boy.”

“My smart lady. I always knew you went to Milan not for nothing.”

“Ha. So funny.”

“Do you want me to tell you what happened or I need to wait for another year until you gather up your guts to ask me how it went?”

“Actually, I don’t really care. That wouldn’t change anything, would that?”

“It depends, though.”

“On what? On how I handle stuff? On how bad my mood right now? Or maybe, just maybe, on how bad I weep last night?”

So she still cried miserably at night?

Taemin sighed and Eunsook regrets raising her tones, unveiled her unstable mind unconsciously. However, she didn’t lie when she said she doesn’t really care since she would still be broken hearted and desperately wants to turn back time hoping she could fix any mistake they did during their relationship. Or more like what mistake she did.

“Donghae asked how you are doing.”

“You can tell him that I’m fine, having a really nice summer escapades and eating lots of good food. Really, I think I will gain at least five pounds by the end of the trip.”

“Unless it’s not really Donghae who asked.”

“I know.”

“No you don’t.”

Eunsook scribbled on the ground with her shoes, making random pattern on it, “Yes I do, Tae. Because he texted me two days ago and I kept writing and deleting my rant until this morning on how I’m doing now after he decided not to be in the same page with me anymore. Believe me I know, because this is the first time I didn’t reply on him right away after I saw his name appeared on my screen.”

Taemin doesn’t say anything and just listened to the sound of the wind, trying to not make everything more complicated for his sister.

“Maybe he overestimated me.. thinking that I would be just alright after everything. Having a blast in Netherlands, enjoying summer, going shopping and meeting my best friend after a long time. You know I always this ‘his strong woman’ or.. or ‘his only iron lady’ you know.. So this trip, couldn’t it be better than that?”

“Don’t resent anyone. You’re the one who said to me that this is the best way for both of you to be happier.”

“I told you maybe.”

“Anyway, I said that you’re fine. A little tired and overwhelmed but you’re good now.”

“Should I thank you for giving the wise back up and being the best brother in the world?”

“Not really. Because I told Donghae as well how you’re calling me every day at 3 AM mopping around threatening people you’d kill yourself if tomorrow you’re wake up and everything is not only in your dream.”

“You should have added the part I didn’t eat anything for a week and ran into the emergency room when my coworker found me passed out at the toilet.”

“Ah, if only you did a proper briefing before.”

She’s really grateful for the fact that she might really have the best brother in the world. Taemin never fail making her laughed. Though he had this ice prince exterior, his heart is the warmest, far from all the cold and mischievous image people around him familiar with.

“Now that I told you what to do, can you fix that when you met him again?”

“Let see. I got studio schedule again tomorrow and he will be the producer assistant the whole week. Yeah sure, I will tell him everything until the IV shot part.”

“Good boy.”

“I know I am.”

“And stop texting or calling Minho behind my back. It’s embarrassing.”

Now it’s Taemin turn to burst into laughter. It’s still stuck in his head how he decided to call Minho instead of his wife because Taemin couldn’t stand the idea of being yelled or interrogated by Junghee. That girl can speak two hours nonstop without giving break the other person.

“I’ll go to sleep now, it’s almost midnight here. Be good, sister.”

“Don’t wet the bed.”

“I’ve had my diaper on, no need to worry. I love you!”

“I love you, too!”

The second she put the phone down, Eunsook feels lonely again. Actually, she prefers having endless argument with anyone rather than swimming in her own thoughts. Inevitably, she checked the phone again. Rereading the text Jungsoo sent two days ago.

‘Good morning, sunshine! How’s the vacation?’

Ah, sunshine. It was nice to be sunshine for someone, a thought cross Eunsook’s mind. It was. She was sunshine. Night star. Moonlight. Making her questioning herself, is it not enough being her for he needed her to be something else? Was she not beautiful enough for he had the urge to always comparing her to something else?

“Eunsook?”

She lifted her head up and found a face she expected the least.

“Kibum?”

The latter smiles and tell the other guys walking with him to leave first. He then casually sits next to Eunsook, looks like a supermodel he is, swiping his hair back. When he looked to his left, Eunsook almost stoned, left him chuckles nervously again, a habit he developed whenever Eunsook’s around him.

“What are you doing here? Don’t tell me you joined this group tour with the guy poking his umbrella to the sky!”

She squinted her tiny eyes, which in Kibum’s mind was too cute to handle.

“Oh, I was walking around doing some sketches taking photos and then my brother called so I gotta sit here and listen to him ranting about unimportant stuff.”

“You like taking photos?” Kibum almost jumped from his seat when he turned to face Eunsook completely.

“Just for fun. I love looking back to all the pictures I took while traveling. Give me lots of nice nostalgic feeling and of course a smooth slap on my head to work harder earning more money for the next trip.”

He cracks to her words, “That is actually hella true. May I see the camera?”

“Of course, Mr. Photographer.”

She smiles so bright while handing the camera, Kibum flustered involuntarily turned his ears all crimson red, “You always use 35mm film?”

He lifted the analog camera a bit.

“Mostly. Or Polaroid. One time I had the 120mm camera but nowadays it’s so hard to find the film.”

“Oh, you have no idea. It’s also freaking hard to find a place that can develop it. Tried to do it by myself, but I ruined it. There it goes all my memory in Hongkong. Gone in flash.”

Kibum cursed himself for convincing himself that Eunsook is the only girl in the world that makes a frown look that beautiful and amazing on a face. Before he embarrassed himself, he checked the camera again in his hand.

“By the way, this is nice camera. My friend had another type from the same brand. Where did you get this?”

“Actually, I bought it accidentally. It was from Porto. We were lost when tried to go back to the hostel and we found this street while wandering around with my friends.”

“Porto? As in Portugal?” she nods, “AH! I know that place! They sell cheap black and white films!”

“You really are a photographer, aren’t you?”

She cannot help but teasing when Kibum got so excited just on the thought of knowing the place she found the treasure. At this rate, not only his ears that rushed by blood.

“Only when I need money to pay my rent.”

“Hahaha!” she slapped his forearm lightly, he flinched silently, “And what brings you here?”

“We just finished a session with local teens. They’re quite having this too-cool-for-school attitude but fashion spread’s always interesting, isn’t it, Miss Designer?”

Eunsook secretly took out her imaginary good-deeds-book. Wits and jokes, checked.

“Anyhow, what are you doing after this?”

“Hmmm, nothing.”

“Fancy grabbing some sweets?”

“What kind of sweet?”

The way her eyes almost popped out her skull brighten Kibum’s day faster than when he received the first print of his magazine, “Pancake, waffle, crepe, anything you prefer as long as it can help with my sugar level.”

“Pancake sounds good.”

“Pancake it is! Let’s go!”

Kibum made a mistake almost embraced her by the shoulder then quietly pretending to push her to walk faster before the circumstance became more awkward.

Her phone beeps once again, she shook her head when she caught a text message arrived on the screen.

‘Eunsook, are you alright? Seems like the vacation is really great, am I right?’

This time she didn’t wait anymore.

‘Indeed, it’s the best summer escapade! I’m okay, by the way.’

***

“I told you not to touch her!”

Kibum massaged the back of his neck for the ten times, too tired for this silly confrontation.

“So, you said it’d better if I just left her alone there at the café while it was drenched outside instead of offering her a ride?”

“I’m tired of your excuse, you sweet mouth!  You should hadn’t dragged her to the café at the first place!”

“I’m the one who tired of your accusation! For God’s sake, Kim Junghee! I was just being nice! We lived under the same roof and I’m not allowed to cheer up someone I know who looked upset?”

“Not with such an agenda behind!”

“What kind of agenda are you talking about?!”

“Oh, don’t you dare testing me!” Kibum’s jaw dropped a few centimeter, disbelief with the whole sentence he just heard, “If you’re just being nice, you take her home right away after both of you finished your afternoon snack!”

“That’s the plan! But she said she needs more films for her camera! Am I wrong if I offered to accompany her looking for some?”

“Ha! You just saw your chance to slide in! What a little sneaky head!”

Kibum restrained himself not to raise his voice, he just didn’t want Minho finished his shower and found his best friend yelling to his wife.

“Look. It was raining. I offered her a ride to go back. She asked if I knew a place to buy films! I drove her there and it was still freaking rain. I got called by the people at work on the way. I said I’d get drop her off first at home before I headed to the studio. She said she could grab a taxi. Since I considered it’s not polite to let her do that, I asked her to come with me. That’s it!”

Junghee stomped on the kitchen floor so hard, “You could just drive her first!!!! You have no idea how stressful I was when I couldn’t contact her?!?!”

“Who knows her phone was dead?! She didn’t say anything to me! Had I know I would give her my phone to call or text you! At any rate, if she did find it necessary, she would ask me to make that damned call!”

“Stop it right there, it’s not Eunsook’s fault!”

“Neither mine!” he rolled his tongue inside his mouth trying to control himself, “I know she’s your best friend, Junghee, but she’s not a kid! She’s a grown up and let her be one!”

“Don’t talk like you know her!”

His fist getting harder on his side, “I didn’t. Look. I know you care about her. A lot. I understand. I’m aware that she’s somehow became more vulnerable after everything happened, but you shouldn’t treat her like this! She took the flight here to heal herself if you kept hogging her, when will she be able to heal?”

Kibum got his point but Junghee is too busy protecting her friend she doesn’t even try to swallow all the words from him.  

“I don’t need you lecturing me how I treat my friend! Just.. just keep your hand away from her!”

“What if I refuse?”

“What did you just said?!”

Kibum hesitated to say something more, so he just stood there, lips sealed together, his eyes drilling a hole through the air. Junghee flustered and doesn’t know what to do, she expected him to give some counter attack harsher than before. Not a serious answer like that.

“Listen, leave her alone or I would never speak to you again!”

She left him standing by the island counter and paced to her room upstairs. When she passed Eunsook who just went back inside the house after called her partner in Milan at the porch, she purposely darted her eyes away. The latter confused but knowing that her best friend has such a temper, she decided to let it go.

A small smile formed on her face when she saw Kibum’s by the kitchen.

“Is everything alright?” Kibum turned his head and just shrugged, “Kibum?”

Eunsook sensed something’s wrong by the flat expression on his face.

“Nothing.”

She’s the least person he wanted to encounter at the second, he tried to avoid her but the look she gave him just made everything more uncomfortable.

“Are you sure?”

“Pretty much.”

“Hmm.. I don’t think so.”

“No, really.”

“Come on, you can talk about it.”

“I’m fine.”

“You’re not.”

“Eunsook, I’m okay. Let’s just shake it off, I’m tired.”

He told her the truth, actually. Kibum’s just exhausted and he needs his time to compose himself after the heated conversation with Junghee.

“What’s wrong with you? Is Junghee okay?”

“Why don’t you just ask your best friend, huh? She’s the one who started! Why should I am the one who feel guilty here?!”

It seems like that was his final giveaway. His pitched showed up, startling Eunsook a little bit. The stern look he put is not making it easier for her. Inside, Kibum wants to kick himself on the shin for being such an asshole just now, helpless under the invisible spell Eunsook sent him.

And feels guilty he is, indeed. She had nothing to do and he just exploded ridiculously in front of her. So he dropped the glass he hold to the sink recklessly, the loud clank on its metal surface dropped a frown on Eunsook’s face, and just went to his room, leaving strange stagnant on the air for her.

Confused and a little disappointed, Eunsook just swallowed back all the sentences she prepared to thank him for the nice afternoon they shared.

***

Thirty minutes passed with Kibum paced back and forth behind his closed door. Sometimes he sat at the edge of his bed, tapped his foot on the floor restlessly, and stood up again, repeating the monotonous anxiety attack.

Seriously, he felt awful not only because he snapped on a girl that supposed to be his current major crush until this morning, but also because he realized how helpless he was in front of the girl. And all those feeling had taken him sunken deep on ocean of guilty.

Junghee might be right, the way he treated Eunsook just now could cause huge mess. This is the first time since almost forever Kibum does care about his image in front of other. Suddenly he’s afraid she might think he’s the biggest jerk on earth who had this hot and cold attitude, once a very nice and kind guy then yell on her face for something she didn’t even know just for the reason he lose control on stupid stuffs.

He doesn’t want that.

“Why are you so stupid, Kim Kibum…”

He threw himself on the mattress and kept staring on the ceiling for solid ten minutes before he jolted to the door, took one deep breath, and carefully pushed it forward.

The living room is empty, leaving only small aquarium at the corner being the source of light. However, when looked across the room, dim light seeped through small gap between the floor and the door of Eunsook’s room.

She’s still awake.

“Eunsook?”

The soft knock on the door didn’t reciprocate. The drumroll banging inside his chest became louder each second passed in silent.

“Lee Eunsook? Can I come in?”

He waited again but nothing happened.

Is she mad at me? Shit.

Various scenarios flashed on his mind and not any single of it makes him comfortable. He might regret it later, but his guts are so much makes sense more than anything.

Slowly he opened the door, but the scene welcomes him is way more unpredictable.

On her bed, Eunsook’s sleeping like a five years old, blanket tucked until her chin and hair splattered here and there but somehow framed her soft jaw as if someone did it on purpose. And Kibum, Kibum just stiffen right on the threshold, hand glued to the handle.

How come a girl can turn someone defenseless without doing anything?

She just breathes, her shoulder moves in a slow rhythm. Kibum knew he’s crazy but he swear in such distance he can see how her eyelashes intertwined each other hiding the beautiful eyes she had, kissed her cheeks in silent melody. If he had camera in his hand, he would had already taken hundreds picture of her sleeping.

Creepy, he knows.

But in Kibum justification, everyone should be creepy once in a while when they’re in love, shouldn’t they?

Ah. In love?

Kibum gripped his chest for a moment and decided to turn of the light before he closed the door cautiously.

“Forget it, Kim Kibum..”

***

Chapter 3

[chroniclesofawkwardness]

Hurricane

I.

For years, I was a night owl. When I started my second stint with the company I work for today, I worked a 1:30 PM to 10 PM shift as one of many people answering the phone if you called the number on the back of your debit card. I didn’t much care for the constant what-happened-this-time beep in my ear that meant another call had come through, but some days were better than others. 

I enjoyed helping customers as long as what they asked me to do was within my power, but there were times I didn’t feel like listening to strangers’ life stories or treating their self-inflicted financial wounds. My schedule wasn’t ideal because I had to work one weekend day. Having a day off during the week wasn’t without its advantages, but it also meant trouble might find me at an unexpected time or place.

The first time I saw Kathy, I thought she looked like life had taken a lot out of her from behind the counter of the Circle K, but she was easy to talk to. She was blonde, thin but not sickly, and wore shoes that suggested she was accustomed to being on her feet most of the time. I guessed she was in her mid-forties. She was a nice departure from a lot of the women I saw at work every day. Of course, I couldn’t know exactly what was going on in a given woman’s life just by looking at her any more than she could know what was going on in mine. Still, it was hard to appreciate an individual woman’s beauty when most of them I saw towered over me in their high heels, flaunted legs that kept going until next Tuesday, and looked like they had trained with a Bloodsport-era, badass Jean-Claude van Damme, not the one content with starring in Tostitos commercials breaking chips instead of bones, and taking your place in your circle of friends. Kathy was different. 

Maybe we got along because we were both night owls. Maybe it was because we both found ourselves doing things we never imagined doing when our parents asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. Kathy told me she’d previously been a waitress at the Olive Garden. I told her how I was rebuilding my life and had had a literal pregnant pause between jobs once I’d come back from overseas. 

Some nights, we’d talk long after she’d rang up my Combos and/or beef jerky. I’d offer general descriptions of the craziest recent customer interactions I’d experienced: 

While working overtime one Saturday (a day I wasn’t even supposed to be there), I heard the beep of an incoming call in my ear, introduced myself, and offered to help, as was standard procedure. The guy on the other end of the line immediately started pulling his cheek back and forth. I could tell he’d moistened the inside of his cheek with spit (probably while listening to the preceding hold music) as an act of premeditation. His vagina song was broadcast directly into my ears and left no doubt he’d been watching too much porn and studying how to replicate the anatomical musical score with himself. Why he decided to share his concert with me, I’ll never know. Some things are best left unsaid. 

When I asked Kathy what the strangest thing she’d ever sold someone was, she replied without hesitation: “I once had a guy come in here at three o’clock in the morning who bought condoms and bleach.” 

I was left wondering why I’d even asked. 

As much as I enjoyed conversations with Kathy, much briefer exchanges were the norm. The place was usually dead when I’d get there around 10:30 PM, but my arrival always seemed to trigger an avalanche of customers who urgently needed gas, cigarettes, or lottery tickets. I usually took the onslaught of humanity as my cue to exit stage right. 

That’s how it went for us. That was our routine.

The first time I saw Ashley, she was telling Kathy about how much she missed. Kayla. Kathy introduced us and told me she used to work at the Olive Garden with Ashley. I was instantly glad I hadn’t earlier ridiculed the wardrobe of white shirts and solid, brightly-colored ties that waitstaff of the Olive Garden in required to wear, though I’d wanted to badly. Ashley talked about how she’d recently had an argument with her mother, whom she hated, and how her son’s father, then serving in the U.S. Navy aboard a ship somewhere off the coast of Greece, was an asshole. 

I’m not sure if Ashley interpreted the fact that I asked her questions as a sign of genuine interest, or if I was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. As luck would have it, this was not one those nights when we were interrupted by strangers seeking swizzle sticks. She went on and on about how she missed Kayla. I just kept nodding, unsure of what else to do. I could have left at any time, but I was overcome with curiosity, as if I’d passed a really bad car accident, one that when you see it, you instantly ask yourself if somebody died. You feel bad for staring, but you can’t look away. 

This carnage involved conversation instead of cars. 

After an eternity of my unanswered prayers to be interrupted by a customer, Ashley suggested I join her for a drink. It was a Friday night and I didn’t have to work the next day, so against my better judgement, I agreed to go with her. She must have had to use the bathroom before we left; once Ashley was out of earshot, Kathy leaned over the counter and told me to be careful because Ashley may have already been drunk, high, or both. When we finally got into her car and pulled away from Circle K, I caught a glimpse of Kathy through the window, motioning to me with her hands as if putting on a seatbelt, reminding to me to do the same. She was trying to keep me safe with (or from) a woman I’d known for all of three hours.

Our first stop was a sports bar called The Crown, merely feet away from Circle K. Ashley ordered a Blue Mojito. I don’t remember drinking anything, but I do remember her taking my tie off without really asking if she could, and putting it around her neck as she continued to drone on about Kayla, her bitch of a mother, and her son. 

Next, we went to a bar called the Keystone Pub and Patio. It had to have been around 2 AM; chairs were already turned upside down on top of tables when we walked in. Ashley must have known the bartender, who poured us shots of something that looked like Fireball. I don’t remember either one of us paying for them. 

We were supposed to go to Waffle House after this, but that’s when shit got really weird. Ashley drove us there, but we sat in the parking lot for what felt like forever. We never made it inside. At one point, she just lost it:

Her: ”I miss KAYYYYYYLLLLLLAAAAAAAAA!!!!”

Me: “Um…. I’m sorry for your loss. I can tell she meant a lot to you.

Her: “I wish I could just crawl down into her grave any lie beside HEEEEEERRRR!!!! Oh Gawd!!!”

Me: “Okay.”

Her: “Put your hand on my chest and feel me sing.”

Me: “Ashley, I don’t know if that’s such a good…”

Before I could finish my sentence, she grabbed one of my hands, placed it just above her breasts and held it there. The next song was I Believe You Liar by Australian singer/songwriter Washington. It started with a hauntingly beautiful piano intro, the kind that made me stop (despite the awkward position of my hand) and listen. The first verse is:

All the things you've said And things you've done I remember, in memoriam You said that you did But you did not Oh, you ache for something God knows what

I’d never heard the song before. Even now, I still can’t listen to it without thinking of that moment in Ashley’s car. The piano part still gives me goosebumps, the kind you get when a song truly captures your attention, the kind that form long before you’ve heard a song 500 times thanks to Top-40 radio, TV dramas, and being a resident of planet Earth. I haven’t heard I Believe You Liar anywhere near 500 times. I don’t want to. For some reason, I don’t want to spoil it despite the ridiculousness surrounding when I first heard it. 

Once it became clear that we wouldn’t be going inside Waffle House, I was slightly pissed off. I was hungry, dammit. We'd been drinking, so the conditions were perfect; I’d heard most people only go there when they’re drunk anyway. But I wonder now if listening to Washington’s song wasn’t a better fit than intoxicated waffle consumption for what Ashley was going through. It’s easy for me to describe the absurdity of our encounter, but there may have been more to it. However demonstratively, Ashley was grieving, aching. for her friend who died unexpectedly. I just happened to meet her that night.

Ashley had been in my life for about eight hours when we pulled into the parking lot of my apartment complex. The sky was starting to change color, signaling the beginning of a new day. I thought of a video game I used to play as a kid, Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest. One of the most annoying aspects of which is that you never knew when night was going to transition to day or vice versa. 

If you were in a town when a transition to night happened, all the townspeople vanished, and you were faced with zombies that moved like rejects from Michael Jackson’s Thriller, plus bats you couldn’t even see coming because they blended in almost perfectly with the nighttime screen. When the lights went down in the city, you, Simon Belmont, the next in a long line of heroic vampire slayers, were reduced to jumping around whipping at shit in your 8-bit leotard while a soundtrack played that didn’t exactly inspire fear in, or of the undead. 

Whether you were in town or out and about in the blocky wilderness, your only salvation from the darkness was another seemingly randomly timed pop-up box like this, which meant it was about to be daytime again:

I hated not knowing when day or night would come next. Even as a ten-year-old, the unpredictability made me nervous. You might say it was my first encounter with a pop-up ad, long before the modern incarnation those annoying little fuckers (or the option to skip ads) existed. This might be why I hate most ads to this day. Still, that night with Ashley, I actually prayed for the first time in my life that a Castlevania II pop-up would appear in the sky overhead, vanquish the horrible night, and send her back to wherever she’d come from.

Only that’s not what happened

II.

“Do you mind if I stay here tonight,” she asked. 

“Not at all (this night couldn’t possibly get any weirder),” I said.

We went upstairs and went straight to bed. I couldn’t sleep, and my occasional attempts to kiss Ashley didn’t escalate into anything more. I just tossed and turned, unable to sleep thanks to the alcohol and the stranger in my bed. Ashley didn't have any such problems. 

After hours of restlessness, I gave up trying to sleep and decided to go about my normal Saturday routine, beginning with doing laundry. I tiptoed around to avoid waking Ashley, but this didn’t stop me from checking on her every few minutes to make sure she was still breathing. After she'd spoken so agonizingly about missing Kayla, I seriously believed Ashley could kill herself right there in my bed without a second thought.

She finally woke up in the middle of the afternoon. We sat on the couch and talked about books and what we wanted to do with our lives. I agreed to let her borrow my copy of Notes from the Underground by Fyodor Dostoevsky, and she said she let me borrow her copy of The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom. Notes from the Underground was one of those books I was supposed to read in college but never did. I was looking forward to reading it on my own time, when a requirement wasn’t hanging over my head. I’d read one of Mitch Albom’s other books, Tuesdays with Morrie, which heart-wrenching though it was, had been a fast read. I thought I could get through The Five People You Meet in Heaven quickly, and reasonably expect Ashley to finish Notes from the Underground in about the same amount of time. I figured we’d meet up after reading, give each other their book back, and that would be the end of it. 

That’s not what happened either. 

First, we drove to her mom’s house so she could pick up The Five People You Meet in Heaven. Ashley decided she was hungry, so we stopped at Wendy’s on the way back to my place. Eating fast food was a rare experience for me (but the whole night before had also been). Until 2017, I had no idea Wendy’s had a vanilla Frosty on their menu, an item that had already been around for more than a decade by the time I caught on. I’d had other things on my mind.

We went back to my place to exchange books and phone numbers. Ashley finally left at around 6:30 PM, capping a whirlwind twenty hours. I wasn’t sure what had just happened, or why, but it did happen.

I finished The Five People You Meet in Heaven in about a week, and texted Ashley to let her know I was looking forward to giving her back her book. I got a brief response like, “Hey” and something about her work schedule being crazy.  At first I didn’t mind having her book (and not having mine), but as time passed, it started to bother me. Not a lot gets on my nerves, but two things that do are owing people money and having something that doesn’t belong to me. Every time I’d see Ashley’s book on my shelf, I’d think: “Man... I really should get that back to her.” Then a more basic thought would creep into my brain: “I hope she hasn’t made good on her desire to crawl down into the grave with Kayla. Fuck... I hope she’s still alive.”

Over time, my texts and her replies became more and more infrequent. I’d joke with Kathy that I was reaching out to Ashley once every season, just to prove to myself that I was still trying to do the right thing by returning her book. As the months passed, I started to just want my damn book back, and to give her hers so I wouldn’t have to think about it anymore. 

That’s how it went for me. That was my routine. Until the day she just showed up in my parking lot. 

By September 2013, I’d found a job in fraud prevention. I jumped at the chance to learn something new without subjecting my ears to incoming vagina songs. I was still a night owl, but struggling to work at a pace that met the expectations of my new department. To help me acclimate, management had me do a few days of side-by-side training with a more experienced specialist. This meant I also got to temporarily change my schedule to a more traditional 9 AM to 6 PM.

For some reason, after working my temporary shift one day, I decided to walk through the rear parking lot of the complex instead of the front one. Then I saw her. She was in a car I didn’t recognize, but she was with two guys I did, from Circle K. The driver’s side door was open so she'd gotten a bit of a head start towards me before I realized what was happening. She ran into my arms and hugged me like I was someone she truly missed:

“Hiiiiiiiiiii!!!! I am SO sorry!!!!” She was practically squealing. 

You’d have thought it had been only a week instead of nearly a year since I’d wished for the morning sun to vanquish that horrible night. All I could think was, “Finally! Here’s my chance to return her book and be done with this shit once and for all.” I’d aged almost 365 days since the last time I saw her, but Ashley must have thought I was elderly and feeble. She took me by the arm and helped me up the stairs and into my apartment. Once inside, she helped me take off my shoes and put on house slippers though I never asked her to. 

“Ashley, what about your friends? Aren’t they still down there with the car running?” 

“Oh, they’ll be fine. They’re just down there smoking weed...”

’WHAAAAAAAAAA!?!?!?’

I have absolutely no problem with recreational marijuana use, but I also knew that if the cops showed up (seeing law enforcement officers driving up and down my street was not uncommon) and started asking Cheech and Chong questions about why they were there and who they were with, I wasn’t going down with them. Even in their intentionally altered state of consciousness, I was convinced they could still identify me. 

I case you’re wondering, Ashley left before I had a chance to bring up the books. I think I’d pissed her off by talking shit about her to one of my neighbors that night without realizing she was close enough to hear me. I should have whispered like Kathy had the year before when she was sure Ashley was out of earshot.

Still got it.

I never heard from Ashley again. I haven’t reread The Five People You Meet in Heaven, and the piano in I Believe You Liar still makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I’m okay with that. Why? Mitch’s book and Washington’s song make up the eye of Hurricane Ashley, a storm I won’t soon forget.

[umichenginabroad]

Mindblown

Wow.

That’s all I can really say about my initial stay here in Hong Kong, but I will try my best to capture the raw beauty and wonderful intricacies of this amazing city (and university) in this blog. I arrived late at night a day before students were allowed to check into the dorms, but was luckily able to stay at a friends house in Clear Water Bay. Around 4 pm the next day, we headed over to HKUST and checked into our respective halls. The small rooms are separated from each other in suites comprised of two rooms, each pair containing its own private bathroom outside. Equipped with beds, cabinets, desks, and a shared refrigerator, the room contains the necessary essentials for a two-month stay. Although some may feel a little cramped, nothing beats the amazing view over Port Shelter.

The view from my room

Orientation commenced at 9 am the following day with a few presentations detailing what to expect during our stay and general rules for safety and the environment. There were a few very well-timed jokes scattered throughout, making the necessary information session quite memorable. Upon its completion, we made way to one of the canteens on campus and enjoyed a nice lunch with a variety of traditional plates that offered a glimpse into the fabulous cuisine that we will be enjoying during our time here in Hong Kong. The roughly 200 exchange students were then split up into groups and taken on a tour around campus, shown around by student ambassadors.

My orientation tour group, led by Kelly (selfie-taker)

HKUST is so wonderfully different from UMich, its towering buildings climbing up along the entire stretch of the mountain, each taller than the next. Outdoor sports facilities are placed right along the long rocky coast, creating a beautiful contrast emphasizing serenity and determination. The conclusion of the campus tour brought forth the opportunity for an optional tour to IKEA, which also presented us with the chance to walk around MegaBox, an enormous shopping center comprised of a staggering 19 floors. We then returned to campus around 9 pm, where I would continue the night a little longer with a refreshing Tsingtao beer surrounded by new friends in my hall’s common lounge area.

I woke up very early the next day, the suppressed jetlag finally hitting me as I began to acclimate to my surroundings. While the majority of students were still sleeping, worn out from the previous day's adventure, I went out to explore the campus a little bit more by myself. I leisurely strolled through the beautiful art exhibition held in the library and into the campus stores out on the Atrium. I then stopped by the campus grocery store and bought some foods and a plastic bowl for future breakfasts, then headed out to meet up with some friends for lunch at another canteen. Everyone lined up for the campus tour around 2 pm and made their way onto four different buses.

The first stop was the Chi Lin Nunnery & Nan Lian Garden, a beautiful area containing traditional architecture and stunning displays of culture. We followed along a winding path that traversed the garden, introducing hidden buildings and little nooks throughout. I personally find the contrast in scenery fascinating; the city being a literal mixing pot of old history, new styles, and luscious nature. No matter where one looks, they are certain to observe the interconnectedness of elements that are spread throughout Hong Kong.

The old, the new, and the green

We then went out for a quick dim sum dinner followed by an impressive Big Bus tour across Hong Kong Island, the setting sun providing some beautiful scenery. However, nothing compares to what was to come at Victoria Peak. Since words fail to capture the view – no matter how carefully I attempt to express the breathtaking experience – I will leave you all with a stunning photograph of the expansion of lights that dominate as far as one’s eyes can see.

Victoria Peak skyline, photo taken by my new friend Arya

After spending some time at the tallest point in Hong Kong Island, we then returned to campus, our amazing tour having ended on a definite high. Although tired from a long day of excursions, I was not defeated enough to say no to some drinks with friends in the hall lounge. Stories and laughter continued well into the next day as we headed out into the city for lunch at Tim Ho Wan, a Michelin Guide restaurant from which I ate chicken foot for the very first time. Yes, a literal chicken foot. Having left satisfied, we walked all around Kowloon from Tsim Sha Tsui. We wandered around the prestigious Harbor City and enjoyed some cold, refreshing beers as we watched the sun go down.

The view from Harbor City

From there we walked on over to the nearby Indian market, where we would go on to eat some delicious Indian cuisine and barter for some much-needed adaptors. After exploring some more, we ran into Mammy Pancakes, another Michelin Guide restaurant, from which we ate a variety of delicious waffles. We then sought out a bar to end the night but ended up settling down with a few beers on some grass near the harbor, which offered an impressive view of the nighttime skyline. Around 11 pm we began the trek back to campus, a successful day completed and thoroughly enjoyed.

Mammy Pancakes

I write this blog Monday morning, recounting the amazing experience I’ve already had here in Hong Kong within an incredibly short amount of time. Today is the first day of classes and within two hours I will attend the first of mine. I am quite eager to discover how the classrooms are taught and who my classmates will be, not to mention what the pace will be like considering the entire courses are taught within two months time. I chuckle at the fact that I still don’t have school supplies other than a single pen and my computer but will make sure to stop by the university stationary store to get some essentials.

Until next time!

Sebastian Munoz

Industrial and Operations Engineering

Hong Kong University of Science and Technology (HKUST)

[laraimaustria]

One Month Down!

I’ve officially been in Austria for one whole month! It’s definitely flown by, and it’s hard to believe I’ve already done and seen so many things. There’s been times of stress (we’ve given up on that whole bus to Paris situation and I’m just refunding one of the tickets) but overall I’ve found I’m surprisingly capable and have not completely and totally failed or made a fool of myself. Every couple of days I think “Oh man what if I can’t do this” and then immediately realize that I am, at this moment, doing it. When I do make mistakes I find that it’s usually not the end of the world and that I have to just shake it off and remember that not everyone here actually hates me, that I’m doing the best that I can, and that I’ll know better next time. Shockingly, my paranoid fear of somehow not being able to learn German at all also proved to be wrong. Big surprise there, I know. 

This week in particular was filled with lots of fun things! Last Sunday we went to the Schmetterling (butterfly) house and saw lots of beautiful butterflies along with a crowd of people who didn’t seem to understand what “leaving a path” means. The butterflies were nice but navigating a crowd in a hothouse was not. Our classes are in full swing this week, and it was also rainier and not quite as hot, although it’s certainly not cold yet. We do have more schoolwork now, but still time to do fun things in the evenings. 

On Wednesday after class we at dinner at a cheap but surprisingly tasty noodle/sushi restaurant and went to an event at the Albertina art museum. They had a deal where if you went to their outdoor club Albert and Tina and bought a drink they gave you half off of the admission to the museum. (Although after the 6 euro drink it would have actually just been cheaper to buy a regular student ticket. Oh well.) The museum itself was nice, but since we went in the evening some of the exhibitions were closed off and we didn’t get to see the whole museum. However we did get to see some very nice photography and modern art, as well as a nice exhibit with Monet, other impressionists, and Picasso. The museum was also pretty small and the walk-through felt pretty quick.  On Thursday Justine, Courtney, and I decided to try and brave the standing room line for the State Opera. Regular tickets to the opera are very expensive, but if you stand in a line outside the building they sell standing room tickets for 4 euros 80 minutes before the show starts. We were concerned about getting tickets because Anna Netrebko was starring in the show (Il Trovatore) and she is apparently one of the biggest names in opera at the moment. But it was actually really easy to get standing room tickets, and even though we were up in the balcony we still had a decent view of the stage. And yes, standing room means you’re standing through the entire opera. There’s a bar to lean on, but by the end of the opera it gets a little rough. Fortunately, the opera itself was very good, and with the option of English subtitles I actually understood what was going on! World famous opera with a world famous singer for 4 euros, pretty sweet deal. The opera house itself is grand, beautiful, and gives off serious Phantom of the Opera vibes. Sehr gut.  On Friday the weather was nice and it was warm so we decided to go hiking in the Vienna Woods. We actually ended up going up to Kahlenberg, which is one of the small mountains next to the city in the woods. We didn’t do a long hike, just kind of walked around on top of the mountain, did a walk to Leopoldsburg, the other mountain right next to Kahlenberg, and then returned to Kahlenberg. The woods were lovely though and there was an amazing view of the whole city. We also treated ourselves to Wiener Eiskaffee, which was basically a coffee root beer float with a mountain of whipped cream on top. Delicious, but probably a bit excessive. Later that night we met back up for drinks, and may have also ended up in a McDonald’s around midnight eating french fries. Austrian McDonald’s has waffle fries and I feel cheated. Saturday was nice too so we went to Donauinsel, and island between the Donau and Neue Donau, and don’t ask me the difference between the two parts of the river because I have no idea and it actually confuses me a lot. The island was nice though, and we got to relax in the shade for a few hours. Later that night we went to a slightly expensive but very delicious burger place on the Donau canal, and then went back to the same bar for drinks, and as it turns out, french fries and chicken wings. If my diet isn’t the most nutritious here, at least it’s delicious. We didn’t stay out too late however since we were all pretty tired. One month down, three to go! 

[canaryatlaw]

Well, today has been long but fun. My alarm went off at the lovely time of 8:15 am which was wonderful after we had stayed up till like 3 am last night because Jess wanted to keep talking about BTS (I’m not even dragging her, that’s literally what happened) so getting up was fairly painful but I made myself do it. Got dressed into my new Captain Marvel tank top (the first of my new ones, I’ll wear the second tomorrow) and did my makeup all nice because photos lol. I got my con bag together and once we were good to go we headed to the lobby by where the hotel had the continental breakfast set up. There wasn’t a whole lot of options so I ended up eating a waffle (like similar to eggo pre-made one, not an actual waffle) with a sausage patty and a bowl of Froot Loops lol. During breakfast I went to check my bank account on my phone before I pulled money from the atm and realized the money I’d transferred to it from my other account went through so I could book the San Diego comic con tickets, so we double checked that this was the best time for them price wise (apparently the predictor app for these things was like “BUY IMMEDIATELY”) so we did get them, money came in and out real fast lol but I’m happy knowing that we have the flights set for it, and I’ll now have the job flexibility to go without having to worry about missing work, and I’ll soon have more money so I won’t have to worry about that either! Lol, hopefully anyway. Once we finished breakfast and had everything figured out we ubered over to the con center.

Had to walk a bit outside to get to the right entrance, and then had to wait in line a bit to get in. They didn’t have metal detectors or anything, they were just checking bags, nothing too serious. We then had to retrieve our passes from their ticket booth area, then spend a minute “activating” them by typing the code on the back of them into their website (not sure why they decided this was a feature they needed). We then had to have our badges scanned to get into the show floor. The whole thing was set up in one giant room, which I definitely like, lost perspective of where was where in it very quickly lol it was easy to get turned around. We started weaving up and down the aisles starting with the first one and going down. The main feature of all of these was of course the KPop merch that was present at almost all the anime booths, conveniently located in one row designated “anime alley.” So we spent a while going through that, both the good and the bad lol. There were of course horrifying knock offs that I will never get out of my mind, but there were also some awesome things like KPop meme pins which were fucking hilarious and Jess bought like 10 (not exaggerating, it was like 10).

Once we made it through most of the vendors on the floor, we finally went to check out the celebrity section. Kiefer Sutherland was there and I wanted to see him, but he was only doing today and his line was NUTS. They didn’t have the celebs prices posted anywhere other than all the way up at the front of their table with a sizable line in front of them, but from what we learned about the prices this was definitely a pricey con, like $60 was a common amount for a selfie from like, some lesser known celebs like the guy who played Nate’s dad on Legends who’s still riding out his con glory days from being in back to the future however long ago that movie was made (I could check, but I don’t really care enough to do so). We ended up getting in his line for like a minute before he had to leave for photo ops, he ran by us and promised to be right back, he seemed like a pretty funny nice guy so that’s always good. We ended up just deciding to hit him up tomorrow when there will likely be less people there and we can split a selfie so we’re not spending too much. I love Kiefer dearly, but I did already meet him in Connecticut last year and his prices were super high and I’m trying not to spend too much money so I decided I’d pass on him for this one. I of course know him from 24 but apparently most of his con appeal is from a movie he made when he was a youngin (and I’m sure I’m dating myself as a child by revealing that I don’t know what movie it even was, but apparently he was very popular for it). It was definitely more of an “old man’s comic con” than some of the more modern cons we’ve been to so a lot of the guests were from like classic movies and such. I did want to potentially meet Kristin Kreuk but her line was also super long and her selfie was $60 and there wasn’t anybody I could even like split it with lol and that was a lot so I decided to pass her up for today, I may reconsider tomorrow but we’ll see.

Once we had completed going through all the vendor aisles we spent a while running through the artist’s alley, and then to their little food section to get some lunch. They actually had quite a selection of varying foods, we ended with poke bowls (but with cooked meat because raw fish at a comic con probably isn’t the best plan). We sat and ate for a while and then got to meet up with some friends that we hung out with for the rest of the day. After we finished eating we took them back through most of the KPop stuff before going back artist’s alley and coming through there for a while. I ended up purchasing a really cute Captain Marvel print, which I justified by saying since I had just put the other Captain Marvel poster on my closet door it was now my Captain Marvel door and needed more themed art. I got a plastic sleeve for it before realizing quite how big it is (it’s an 11x17) and won’t fully fit in my backpack so we might have to get creative in how to get it home, I may just ditch the plastic sleeve and end up rolling it up hoping it doesn’t get damaged. I also got matching buttons with Jess of the Spider-Man pointing meme with one spider-man on each button pointing to each other which were pretty great, so we had to make sure we were walking on the right sides of each other for the rest of the day lol.

Once we’d hung out there for a while and seen most of everything we wanted we decided to head out and get some food. We ended up walking a bit to the con center’s official rideshare pick up area apparently and then ubering the like two miles to the restaurant. It was a pretty nice place, I ended up getting “shrimp vodka pasta” in their half size which was still more than I could finish lol but it was really good pasta so I was pleased. Afterwards we walked around the little area outside for a bit and ended up sitting down at a table and just talking for a bit. Eventually some like hella loud music started playing and they were apparently kicking people like out of the public space for some event they were doing, so we ended up walking across the street to a parking lot and going our separate ways via Ubers from there. Jess and I went back to our hotel room and basically just chilled for the rest of the night which was nice, I’ll probably try to go to sleep soon since I’m pretty tired, but right now I’m having like hellfire acid reflux and I don’t even know why so I may end up staying vertical for a while longer because going horizontal tends to make it worse. But yeah, I’m gonna call it a night from here. Goodnight lovelies. Hope you had an awesome Saturday.

[amyrizz]

2017

A Late Snow Day Reflection on 2017. I didn’t want to put this on my facebook, twitter on instagram where a lot of people follow me so here we go, a tiny bit more private. 

2017 Definitely had its ups and downs. I had some really good days, some really shitty days and some okay days. My Mental Health and anxiety weren’t fantastic. I left my therapist in February planning on finding a new one ASAP but I never did. 2018 I plan on finding a new therapist sooner and hopefully find one that clicks with me better. I experienced some new challenges at my job. I love my job but man it’s been harder this year. I have been tested at my job and it’s been making me question things a lot more than I did before than I started in 2015. I still figuring those things out in this school year(since i’m a para) and hopefully they will be figured out when the school year ends in June. I learned that money is a huge problem for me. I am not very good with money and I definitely need to figure out a way to make more money, spend less and save more. I definitely need to also learn how to save for big events that I really want to attend so that when they come up I’m not struggling to figure out how to afford them.(Long weekend cons and traveling mostly). I learned that a lot more things make me emotional than they used to and that’s okay but it’s just a bit newer and different for me to handle. (Hopefully a new therapist can help with that). I learned that I REALLY have a tough time with change(of any kind) but that sometimes it’s necessary. I learned that time is so fucking precious. You really have no idea how much longer you have left with people, animals, where you’re living, etc( all kinds of things). I’m not just talking about deaths but also friendships ending, people moving away, etc. 

 I gained a lot more confidence with my singing voice. I have been singing my whole life but I used to be really shy and more nervous about singing in front of people by myself. I got to have some vocal lessons and a workshop from two Broadway Actors, Jeremy Jordan and  James Snyder, who I look up to. Jeremy Jordan, my favorite Broadway Actor of all time, actually told me that I have a Very Nice Voice. That was a HUGE confidence booster and special moment for me.  I also returned to the stage in July, first time since college,  and got my own solo song in the show. It had been a dream of mine for almost 20 years to have my own solo song in a show and it finally happened. I gained SO much confidence from that show. It was an amazing experience for me. I really developed a strong bond to the Supernatural Family. I am in it for life now! My friends who I met at SPN Con in 2016 and I gained even closer in 2017. I talk to a few one of them every day. I also met some of my SPN Family in person who I have been talking to online for a while at SPN Con in September. And of course I met totally new people who are fucking amazing people as well. Speaking of Supernatural, I learned that some things are worth waiting for even if it’s for a REALLY Long time. (waiting for cons are AWFUL but always worth it). I learned that being selfish is okay in certain circumstances. Your mental health and taking care of yourself is so fucking important. And you don’t need to say sorry for your feelings, those are not something you should be apologizing for. I’m still catching myself for say sorry about my feelings but I’m trying to correct it every-time it happens since it’s been a habit for so long. I learned that being on my phone and social media all the time isn’t extremely mentally healthy and it’s been affecting so many of my relationships. I learned that if you are in a negative environment do whatever you can to ignore it and escape it if you can. That whining and complaining is not attractive, just like it’s not with the preschoolers I teach. 

Here’s more of a breakdown now of my 2017 by month and numbers:

January 2017:

15th- Matt and I went on a staycation to Rye Brook, NY over MLK weekend even though I was getting over the stomach bug. 

20th- I FINALLY saw Waitress with my friend Tara. I even got to see Jessie Mueller before she left. It was incredible and extremely emotional.

26th-29th- Broadway Con weekend Year 2 with Nicole! I got to meet James Monroe Igleheart and Adam Jacobs after seeing Aladdin. I got amazing photos with Ben Cameron and Anthony Rapp. I learned how to do musical improv. I met amazing friends, stalked Darren Criss and many other amazing memories!

February 2017:

4th- FINALLY saw Dear Evan Hansen with my family. Holy shit Ben Platt is a god, that is all. I sobbed throughout most of the show.

6th- Saw Lacey Sturm’s solo show also with Stitched up Heart. It was an incredible show and worth it staying up late on a Monday and going into work the next day :P

10th-12th- Surprise trip from Matt to go to Providence, Rhode Island. We saw my favorite play on tour, The  Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime, which was amazing to see again. We went to another favorite of mine, the Bodies Exhibit, which was fucking amazing and so cool again! We went to Monster Mini Golf, which Matt introduced me too, and had a blast. We watched the Grammy’s. And we met up with my Grandma in the snow to have lunch. 

13th- Had an online Galentines Day Celebration with Ashley, Rose and Tessy. We made waffles and watched the Galentines Day episodes together on Rabbit. Matt also surprised me with a celebration dessert for my half birthday. 

18th- Saw Newsies the movie, Jeremy Jordan version, with Rachel, Nicole, Matt and Rachel’s boyfriend in New York City. TONS of fangirling was involved! 

19th- Met up with Audrey in Trumbull. We hung out for the first time since meeting at SPN con 2016. We went to the Trumbull Mall and went to a trampoline park.

26th- Yearly  Watch the Oscars with Matt. 

March 2017

8th- Saw Amaranthe’s headlining tour in NYC with Matt and Veronica. I also fell in love with their openers, Citizen Zero and Smash into Pieces. Totally worth also going on a Wednesday and then going to work the next day :P

18th- Saw Amelie with Nicole. Phillipa Soo and Adam Chanler Berat were awesome! We also bought last minute tickets to see Phantom of the Opera at the box office and got box seats! It was super spontaneous and fun! 

23rd-Saw Enter Shikari’s headlining tour in NYC with Veronica and Matt. My 3rd or 4th time seeing Enter Shikari live, they’re always fun and crazy too :P

25th- FINALLY saw HAMILTON after  buying tickets nine and a half months in advance. Taran Killam was hysterical as King George.  Matt and I went to Ninja NY after to eat, it had been a long time since we had been there too. 

April 2017: 

1st- Saw Chanticleer in Westport with Matt :)

7th-10th- Went to Boston with Alec, Nishant and Matt. Nishant got his first pedicure with me. Nishant and I drove the boat on the duck tour. Had a blast at the Edward Kennedy Museum. Stayed in an Air B and B for the first time( 2 actually), sleepover!

10th- Won the Lottery to see In Transit for the second time. I found out at the stagedoor that they had announced closing for that weekend before our show started :(

12th- Met Christian for the first time when we went to see Your Name together with Matt, Keela and Brendan. 

15th- Spontaneous trip to New Jersey with Matt. We had really good food on the water front and played mini golf. 

19th- Won the Lottery to see Groundhog Day, even though Andy Karl was not in it. Fell in love with the show. Worth going on a weeknight :P

21st- Had a Voice Lesson with Eliana from Leave’s Eyes before their show. Nishant cooked us a meal in his apartment, so proud of him. Saw Sabaton’s headlining tour with Leave’s Eyes opening for them. 

29th- Saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory on Broadway with Matt. 

May 2017

1st- Reunited with my cousin Bobby years later and met his wife and daughter for the first time. 

9th- Saw my favorite band The Classic Crime after waiting a REALLY long time to see them live again. I also took a very nice and deserved personal day.

15th- Broadway Bakes at Schmackary’s and saw Jeremy Jordan preform in a Classic Stage Company Benefit Song at Lincoln Center. 

21st- My Baby Sister Graduates from College!

25th-29th-  Visited Ashley in Brockport, NY with Abby for Memorial Day weekend. Went in the Lockport Caves where they had a boat ride inside! Ashley got her first professional pedicure with me. We went go karting, garbage plates, dave and busters, RIC roc fest, etc.

June 2017

4th- Did my second annual Kidney Walk with Matt in Hamden, CT. Nishant came to CT for dinner later that night. 

6th- Finally Met Donny for the first time. Me, Christian, Matt and Donny had dinner at Bar Taco. I met my spirit animal :)

9th-11th- Anniversary trip to Shelton, CT. Went to Pride in the Park in Norwalk. We rode the waterslide in our hotel so much! We found a really cool sports arcade where we played mini golf and arcade games. Also the Tony’s were this weekend too!

25th- NYC Gay Pride Parade with Amy. And did a workshop with JEREMY JORDAN where he told me that “You have a very nice voice”. I later had dinner with my Uncle. 

July 2017

2nd- I took Audrey to her first broadway show, Chicago, Then we saw The Station Breaks in NYC. 

11th- Lost my sweet, sweet guinea pig Coco Bean Marie :(

14th-15th- Returned to the stage in Perfect the Cabaret at the Carriage House Theatre. :)

23rd- Saw Korn, Stone Sour and Skillet in Hartford, CT with Matt, Brendan and Shute. 

25th- Saw Citizen Zero’s first headlining tour in NYC with Matt.

27th- Matt and our first wedding of the year. Jay’s wedding in NJ. Stayed over with Jamel and Pat, sleepover and a gorgeous hotel. We had a BLAST at this wedding!

28th- Explored NJ with Matt, Jamel and Pat. 

29th- Vocal Few’s Living Room Tour in  NYC with Matt. 

August 2017:

3rd- Broadway in Bryant Park with Nicole. Found a Sing a long in Byrant Park after. 

5th- GISHWHES starts, my first time!

10th- Broadway in Bryant Park with Nicole and Danielle. Sing a long in Bryant Park. Saw Bandstand. 

11th- Breaking Bad RV Bar with Matt in Brooklyn.

13th- My 27th Birthday. Went to Medieval Times for the first time to celebrate my birthday with Matt, Veronica, Christian, Pat and Kate. Had a fucking blast!

19th-20th- Flame Con in NYC, first time. I also went to 54 below for the first time to see Jeremy Jordan preform! He recognized me too, oh boy:P 

22nd-26th- Summer Vacation to Seattle with Matt for our first time. Went to a Cat Cafe for the first time. I also did a yoga class in the cat cafe. Went to the top of the space needle. Museum of Pop Culture. Amazon Bookstore. Saw Idina Menzel in concert. Kerry Park. Went to the first Starbucks store ever. Rode on a monorail. Gum Wall. Museum of Science where we saw Terracotta Warriors. 

September 2017:

1st- Saw Flamingos at the Maritime Aquarium with Matt and Brendan

9th- The Play that Goes Wrong with Matt followed by Groundhog Day, which i won the lottery for again. I finally got to see Andy Karl in Groundhog Day.

17th- Saw Miss Saigon with Nicole. I couldn’t stop sobbing at this show. Fell in love with Eva Noblezada and I got to meet her too after.

21st-24th- SUPERNATURAL CON in New Jersey, FINALLY! Met Thor the Impala. Met Ruth and got to ask her a question at her panel. Got a shower cap from Ruth and a hug after. Won the lottery to ask Jared and Jensen a question. Got to ask Misha a question when he did a last minute panel. Saw Jensen sing at Saturday Night Special. 

29th- Alec visits! Went to the View taping with him and Nishant. Met Adam Scott after he taped on the show. Epica/Lacuna Coil show with Alec, Matt and Veronica.

30th- Walked the Brooklyn Bridge at night with Alec and Nishant. went to the MET museum with Alec. 

October 2017:

1st- saw  A Bronx Tale with Alec and Nishant

7th- New York Comic Con with Nii, Matt and Christian. Met Robbie Thompson :)

8th- Elsie Fest with Nicole. Got a beautiful photo with Darren Criss before.

14th- Scott’s birthday celebration with Rebecca and Kate. Went to see Rags at the Goodspeed Opera House in East Haddam, CT.

19th-22nd- Gilmore Girls Fan Festival in Kent, CT. Audrey also came over the day before to watch the SPN episode with me. Got a Jet Tub in my room. stress tap dancing class. Todd Lowe preformed with his guitar for us. Coffee Monologues. Face timed with Lauren Graham.

26th- Rocky Horror at Avon Theatre with Matt and Rob.

28th- Brian and Ashley’s wedding in Long island, City. Our hotel had a beautiful rooftop view. 

November 2017:

2nd- Saw A Perfect Circle with Matt at Barclays Center in Brooklyn

3rd- Tom and Stephanie’s wedding in Long Island.

10th- Finally saw Evanescence with Veronica and Matt in Brooklyn.

18th- Anime NYC with Nii, Matt, Brendan, Christian, Pat and Jamel. First year ever. cosplayed as L from Death Note. Sleepover at an Air B and B in Weehawken, NJ.

22nd- Macy’s Balloons with Nicole. Saw Kinky Boots with OBC members Stark Sands and Billy Porter.

29th- Saw Anastasia with Matt, Rob and Ashley

December 2017:

1st- Chanticleer in NYC with Matt

2nd- Trumbull Mall, Matching Leggings, Milkcraft and Wonderland at Roseville with Chris and Audrey :) First time hanging out with Chris outside of Con!

10th- NYC- Museum of Natural History with Nicole and Matt to see Mummies! Beautiful with Nicole to see Kara Lindsay. James Barbour’s Christmas Show with Kate at Birdland.

17th- First Annual Darien Carols by Candlelight. Such a magical and special time.

23rd- NYC Tourist Adventure with Matt to see Bryant Park, Rockefellar Tree, Saint Patrick’s Cathedral and Saxs Fifth Avenue. 

24th- Brunch at Greenwich Hyatt with Matt and his Mom. Christmas house adventure in the hail to a Milford house and Wonderland at Roseville.

31st- Shute’s house to celebrate with Pat and Matt before they move away :(

Summing everything up:

I traveled to:

1.) Providence, Rhode Island

2.) Boston, Massachusetts

3.) New Jersey- various towns

4.) Brockport, NY/Rochester, NY

5.) Seattle, Washington

6.) Kent, CT

7.) Shelton, CT

Shows I worked on:

1.) Baby at DAC

2.) Sylvia at DAC

3.) Perfect Cabaret with Lipstick Project

Shows I saw on Broadway:

1.) Waitress

2.) Aladdin(second time)

3.) Dear Evan Hansen

4.) Amelie

5.) Phantom of the Opera(not the first time)

6.) In Transit(second time)

7.) Groundhog Day(saw it twice!)

8.) Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

9.) Chicago(second time)

10.) Bandstand

11.) The Play that Goes Wrong

12.) Miss Saigon

13.) A Bronx Tale

14.) Anastasia

15.) Beautiful

16.) Kinky Boots(second time)

Concerts I saw: 1.) Lacey Sturm/Stitched up Heart- NYC

2.) Amaranthe/Citizen Zero- NYC

3.) Enter Shikari- NYC

4.) Chanticleer(saw them twice!)- NYC and Westport, CT

5.) Sabaton/Leave’s Eyes- NYC

6.) The Classic Crime- Hamden, CT

7.) The Station Breaks- NYC

8.) Stone Sour, Skillet and Korn- Hartford, CT

9.) Citizen Zero- NYC

10.) Vocal Few- NYC

11.) Idina Menzel- Washington

12.) Epica/Lacuna Coil- NYC

13.) Elsie Fest- NYC

14.) A Perfect Circle- Brooklyn, NY

15.) Evanesence- Brooklyn, NY

I went to 3 weddings: Jay, Tom and Stephanie’s and Ashley and Brian’s

Conventions I went to:

1.) Broadway Con- January 2017 in NYC

2.) Flame Con- August 2017 in NYC

3.) Supernatural Con- September 2017 in NJ

4.) New York Comic Con October 2017

5.) Gilmore Girls Fan Festival October 2017

6.) Anime NYC November 2017

Here’s to 2018 I cannot wait! :)

[the-grumpy-panda]

Never Tested On Real Pandas!

Flying a bit free and loose here. No rhyme, reason, or time frame. Just stuff what I done ate at some point and had a thought about. Gotta take it easy in preparation for the Halloween junk food onslaught fast approaching. Although I did randomly find the 2017 Monster Cereals already on shelves in mid-August, so I'm 3/4ths of the way done with my yearly Halloween must haves. Once the Little Debbie Pumpkin Delights pop up, everything else is just an afterthought. So this write up may be brief. I'll quietly creep in... leave my musings scattered about... and quietly creep out. Just like when I visit Danielle Harris. Wait... Or it may not be brief. One never knows. I might go on a tangent about the 1962 Jackie Gleason film "Gigot" or maybe Ghoulies IV. You've been warned. Anyway. Let's snack! -Peanut Butter and Jelly Oreo cookies! First off, why are they so vague about the jelly? It's just called "jelly." Not a specific flavor of jelly. Odd. Anyway. The peanut butter dominates the taste, you have to really try to suss out the jelly. Which is a shame, because once you do the combination works surprisingly well. Until the jelly portion hits, it's just a bit of a bland and dry peanut butter gumming up your mouth. It needs the jelly part to cut through that. Not that it's a real "jelly," it is still a cookie cream consistency, but it seems a softer cream, and is a bit sweeter. A little more jelly on the cookie, and you would have had something here, Nabisco. And since you won't give it a flavor attribute, I'm going to call it "Doo-Doo Jelly." Look at me all adult like! -Aunt Jemima Very Berry Griddle Poppers! Was iffy on buying these. As previously mentioned, frozen waffles aren't my thing. Frozen pancakes are also an item I generally avoid. They just seem rubbery and make me sad. But for a couple of months now these things kept catching my eye as I would walk down the frozen food aisle. Not sure why they did, or why I finally gave in, but a Grumpy Panda with a rumbling tummy is easily swayed. So here we have little balls of pancake like stuff with pieces of "fruit" laced throughout. Eh. just as I suspected. No different taste wise than a frozen pancake. If you like those, I suppose you'll like these. While I'll admit these aren't the worst frozen pancake product I've had, they're still not for me. -Oreo-O's cereal! I never had this cereal when it was first on shelves, so I have no nostalgic memories for comparison. Other than knowing this version doesn't have the marshmallows that it's forebear did, this is a whole new cereal to me. Tastes of an extremely dry and far too crunchy chocolate cereal, not much of an Oreo presence. Is the supposed addition of milk meant to simulate the cream portion of an Oreo? These were a bit of a dud. There are far better, and less tooth breaking, chocolate cereals out there. -Honey Maid S'mores cereal! Tastes exactly like what I thought they would be. Take some Golden Grahams, take some Cocoa Puffs, take any cereal marshmallow and mix them together... you now have Honey Maid S'mores cereal. It wasn't bad, but not all that impressive either. Had it not distinctly reminded me of other cereals, maybe it could have gotten a better ranking, -Little Debbie S'mores Rolls! Let me get one thing straight right at the start... I fuc*in' love these things. Little Debbie had a s'more cake thing before a few years back, but it was way closer to a s'more, with a graham cookie sandwich thing going on, than this roll. I don't care. This roll is heavenly. The smell, the heft, the abundance of cream, the taste... magical. I want these to be a permanent fixture, but then again I don't. I would never be able to stop myself from buying a box whenever I entered a store selling them. -Mac n' Cheetos frozen snacks!  Because I wasn't paying attention, I accidentally picked up the Flamin' Hot version of this "treat." I'm not a fan of overly hot/spicy things, but I'll give these a go since they're here. In case you don't know, these are little mac and cheese bite things with a crispy/crunchy coating. In this case, the coating (and even shape of these) is meant to resemble a puffy Cheeto. Hmm. The coating is very thick and certainly overpowers the whole thing. The inside is pretty bland and consists of quite cheap mac and cheese, (which should surprise no one, really) and not actually all that cheesy all things considered. And yes, there is a hot kick that stays after chewing that is not my thing. So they got that right, I'm just not the one who enjoys such things. I personally can't recommend these. As a one and done experiment, I guess its just alright. I imagine a younger or a drunker person would have better things to say about them. -Toaster Strudel Strawberry Cupcake pastries! I was really expecting these to be a sugar overload. They're very muted truth be told, and not once was I reminded of a cupcake. The cream inside reminded me more of a custard, and while the icing has a faint strawberry note about it, unless eaten on its own, it gets lost in the fray of crust and filling. Not the best Toaster Strudel, but I can't really detract from it too much, honestly. It serves its purpose, and it tastes alright. It just doesn't taste like a strawberry cupcake. It's more like a Boston cream pie with a very, very faint dash of strawberry flavoring. -Jelly Belly Krispy Kreme doughnut flavored jelly beans! I have no idea when I went looking for these, or even when I had heard of them, but a few days ago I received notification from Jelly Belly that this particular flavor was back in stock. Okay, you stalkers. Trying to ply me with kooky junk food as if I'd fall for such a dangerous ploy. Nice try! So I bought some. Then I ate them. There are five flavors, and here's the breakdown. 1. Cinnamon Apple Filled! Of course. My least possible favorite doughnut is the first one in the mix. Definitely a very sweet cinnamon flavor right at the front. The apple is very faint, but noticeable as you chew. I like these better than the actual doughnut, but not a jelly bean I'd seek out all the same. 2. Strawberry Iced! This one took a long time for any flavor to kick in, and when it did it was very faint. I wouldn't say "strawberry iced doughnut" is what comes through, though. It really just tastes of sugary gelatin. 3. Original Glazed! Well, again, a very muted flavor that comes into play at the back end. Because I know it's supposed to taste like a doughnut, I do get a sense of that. If this were just a random jelly bean I was eating, though, my guess would have been a simple caramel jelly bean. 4. Glazed Blueberry Cake! Wow. They nailed this one. The gelatin aspect aside, this tastes like a glazed blueberry doughnut. Good job on this one. 5. Chocolate Iced With Sprinkles! I am again impressed with this one. I wouldn't say it tastes anything like a doughnut, but it absolutely tastes exactly like the chocolate glaze used on their doughnuts. No sprinkle aspect, either, but I don't care. This is just a damn good chocolate jelly bean. And that's that. Easy. Breezy. Beautiful. Grumpy Panda.