#well since i mentioned the psychiatrist meeting today I'll also tell you an anecdote from it

[daz4i]

vent under the cut. sorry. tw suicide depression etc

this is nothing i haven't already said but. idk what to live for. i don't see a point in recovery bc i don't have any concrete reason or something to keep living for. i don't care about anything or anyone enough to put in the effort

i talked to my psychiatrist today and she gave me some phone numbers for ppl who can help start the whole process i mentioned a few days ago, the help with recovery thing. i consulted my friends and they said i should go for it (i said it's not like i have anything else to do and they agreed) but it made me feel worse

the realer it becomes the less i want it. i don't want to recover. i want to die. i had someone who made me want to live and they cut me off, but i shouldn't want to live for someone else anyway (tho. that's what most of my depressed family members and friends live for, in a way)

i can't adopt the "you're alive anyway so may as well use this time" agenda my old therapist tried to offer me. i want to die. existing is too much effort i never wanted to put in, especially when i need to take a big step (along with many other small steps) to get out of depression. the fact I'm already alive isn't a big enough reason to take this step. I've been having more concrete plans for how I'd off myself lately, and while that might be hard, it's still easier than recovering, and has an outcome that without a doubt will be good (while a good life after recovery is never certain. honestly i don't think i ever could have one anyway)

idk how to finish this post. there isn't really a point. i just. need to let it all out. I've been crying for over 2 hours straight now lol I'm feeling awful. the more hopeful I'm supposed to become, the more despair i feel. at the risk of sounding cliche i hope i fall asleep and never wake up