#well I'm not lying though because I remember reading that their relationship was inspired by Loustat

[winterbeautyees]

Gonna tell my niece/nephew that they are Lestat and Louis

Sad puppy eyes ✅ A smug face ☑️

Curly brown hair ✅ Blonde hair (kinda) ☑️

Pretty pretty ✅ Well dressed and

handsome ☑️

[thesilmarillionblog]

𝐑𝐄𝐌𝐄𝐌𝐁𝐑𝐀𝐍𝐂𝐄

𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐭: 𝟓

Click here to read the first part.

Summary: You and Soldier Boy want to create a family and move on from everything, even the Vought, but you also know that he has to face Homelander one last time to keep his vow to Butcher. However, nothing turns out as you had hoped.

Pairing: Soldier Boy / Reader

Warnings: Heavy angst, hurt, memory loss, Soldier Boy gets hurt, reader gets hurt, language

Word Count: 6025

A/N: English is not my first language.

This is inspired by the song 'Remembrance' by Memoria Futuri.༊

Soldier Boy promised to help you remember him, so you and him took your time in the room for some time more, and you thought twice about what to do next. The most powerful Supe would never lie to you about you having a relationship with him in the past; it would be absurd. He had no reason for lying to an ordinary person. Still, you were afraid he might use you to track Butcher and the others. Even so, you had to proceed with caution. 

You politely interrupted him to not ruin the mood by saying, “Don't get mad, but I still need to talk to Butcher first and ask him about... us and learn why he wouldn't tell me about you.”

His hands immediately left your face after you had said Butcher a hundred times, and you carried on speaking until he said something offensive: “I know you hate them, and it's them who betrayed you. At least that's what you're telling me, but I must listen to him as well. You have to realize that I'm confused and frightened, and he's the only person I can remember.”

He looked around the room, irritated that you remembered Butcher but not him, despite the fact that you shared a lot with him. You placed your hands on the hard, cold material on his chest, on the star symbol, to show him that you weren't too distant or that you weren't pushing him away from you straight away. You waited patiently for his response. Without a doubt, Ben was more significant and unique than Butcher and everyone else to him, and he tried not to get angry. 

With a cold voice and an irritated expression on his face, Soldier Boy remarked, “I can't believe you actually remember that pussy, but not me. I don't like how your brain works at that point.”

“I'm trying so hard to remember you, or at least a little something about you, but I'm just not successful. It's not that I forgot everything on purpose,” you whispered, feeling a little guilty about the idea that you might, your old self, actually love him if what he said was true. 

On the other hand, you had no feelings of love or affection for Soldier Boy. In reality, though, you were scared because he appeared to be unpredictable and cruel. Even if you lost all memory of him, wouldn't you still love him? When you were having memory loss, you had no idea how the brain functions, but that's what you felt at the time. 

Rapidly, “I know, I know,” Soldier Boy replied. “I'm not angry with you or putting blame on you. However, that son of a bitch needs to pay for what he did to you, including throwing your body against the table, hitting your head, and not telling you about me. He crossed the line.”

You added, “He must have a reason, and I really need to talk to him. I just need to hear it from him too,” feeling concerned at the way Soldier Boy discussed the past as though Butcher was the evil guy. Still, you didn't find anything you said to be slightly reasonable. Instead of keeping what happened to you a secret from you, he could have told you that both you and Soldier Boy had a past and given you the explanation you deserved. 

“Don't you trust me?” He was annoyed that you would continue to stand up for Butcher in the face of him. 

“To be honest, I don't trust you, but please don't get upset with me.” You whispered, “You know I have no memory about you, and I need you to understand me,” and he gave you a hurt look. You tried to smile at him and said, “But I think you'd already killed me the moment you found me in this room if I was a total stranger to you,” as guilt filled your heart. “That must mean something, right?”

With a surprised low laugh and a nod, Soldier Boy said, “You're a smartass, aren't you?”

Uncontrollably, his smile made you feel a little more at ease, and you exhaled a sigh of relief that he wasn't being aggressive anymore. 

“So, talking about trust issues,” he added, arching an eyebrow. “I guess you don't want to go back to them since there is a high possibility that I would follow you and find your precious pussy friends, right?”

“Yeah,” you said, not wanting to risk the lives of others or anything because Soldier Boy was too determined to kill them. “In this case, I think I better call Butcher and talk to him through the phone.”

He nodded, “Very well,” relieved that you were no longer so keen to return to the traitors. It was certainly because he had threatened to murder them, but which reason wasn't important at the time. When you were so confused and bewildered, he would never allow you to return to them. You were obviously brainwashed by Butcher. 

You looked around and said, “Okay, I'll call him, but you can get me out of here first?”  as he waited patiently for you to call them. “You know, there are other politicians and supes.”

“Yeah, it's better we get the fuck out of here now,” he said with irritation. “I hate discussing politics anyway. Personal matters should come first, right?” Soldier Boy said, giving you a wink and picking up the gun off the table and putting on his suit again.

You nodded to him and adjusted your jeans. You flushed under his focused gaze, remembering how he had torn off your panties simply to spill himself on moments before. It was as though his gaze were stripping you. As he found out about your memory loss and that you didn't require intimacy, you hoped he wouldn't try to touch you again. After all, you had given him what he desired from you—that is, protection from harm. Nothing more. 

As he observed you adjusting your t-shirt and hair while blushing, Soldier Boy added in a hard, serious voice, “By the way, we'll talk about your that hand job later.”

You simply looked at him with a flushed face, not answering him. 

“Let's just leave without paying any attention to this house. Stay cool.” He heard your heart race and raised an eyebrow as if to warn you, saying, “I'll be following you.”

One of the politicians commented, “Ah, he's finally back,” as he sipped his drink and waived his hand to Soldier Boy as you walked by his side during your exit from the room. 

“It's unfortunate that I have to leave now, gentleman. There is so much to do,” said Soldier Boy, putting a slight grin on his face and placing a small hand on your back. “Homelander will be available shortly, and he'll be the one to talk to you about details.”

You exhaled a relieved sigh, and politicians didn't even look at you as if you didn't exist. You would have assumed that they were already enjoying themselves without Soldier Boy because they were eating anything the waiters brought. 

“Homelander just told me that we would be talking to you too,” one of them remarked. “The public is still worried about you returning given what you did in New York. Things are difficult to restore, especially when it comes to trust.”

“Trust is overrated; it's simply built on perfect lies. Also, who the hell cares about the public? I thought you were more experienced and smarter than this. Through the media and a well-written dumb speech, it's simple to dominate their thoughts.” Soldier Boy spoke harshly, “You already know that they are unable to view the bigger picture properly in their own narrow worlds. What's important is to find who's responsible for planning assassination against the vice president, find those terrorists Butcher and his useless team, and prove that the CIA is behind all of the shit.”

“And,” Soldier Boy said in an authoritative tone as one of the politicians opened his mouth to speak. “It will be exposed that the CIA was responsible for my forty years of fucking torture in Russia. The public will discover the truth in this way, and they will once more support their one true supe. That's how we rescue our nation from the trash that's been dumped on it. Are we clear about this?”

After a brief glance around, you noticed that The Deep and Black Noir were eating and conversing as though they were starving. You thought about if it would be simple to shoot Noir without drawing notice, and you still had your gun with you. Well, you have to do this anyhow. It was likely that by keeping Soldier Boy a secret from you, Butcher had actually betrayed you. But it wasn't like you were prepared to abandon them and simply join Homelander and Soldier Boy on their own wicked team. Not fucking way.

You have to use the virus on a strong person quickly enough to start developing it. But first, you had to take care of your own issue. 

One of them said, “But..”

“No buts, no deals, no mercy,” Soldier Boy interrupted him right away. “Homelander will handle the majority of the problem on his own. With the exception of the CIA and their pawns, of course, neither Vought nor I want to see bloodshed, but it's best to bring things under control as soon as possible. Remember that President, Vought, and Homelander are trusted by the public. It's best if you give it your all. Consider this a recommendation or warning—I don't give a damn. However, be aware that the president will always back us. I mean, I'll be giving my best for my beloved nation, isn't that right?” Soldier Boy patted the politician's shoulder as he spoke, who was trying to get free of Soldier Boy's cruel and tight hold on him while clearing his throat nerveously.

“Yes, without a doubt, we are going to help you fix your public image. It is quite unfortunate that you are one of the victims of the CIA. It's simple to mislead the public about your intentions by the media,” remarked the other politician, who was casually sipping his whiskey and acting as though Soldier Boy hadn't just threatened them. “We are all in the same ship.”

Soldier Boy grinned broadly and added, “Vey good,” patting the politician's shoulder once more before he stepped back, clearly indicating he wasn't willing to spend time talking for hours. “I guess we are done here.”

Calling out to Black Noir and The Deep, Soldier Boy surveyed his surroundings. You stepped back and briefly locked eyes with Soldier Boy. When he saw that you were becoming anxious, his gaze softened, but he remained silent and did not move.

Squeezing Black Noir's shoulder firmly, Soldier Boy remarked, “The Deep and Black Noir, my old loyal friend from the Seven, will be discussing details.”

You were startled and alarmed when The Deep briefly locked eyes with you, but you ignored him and walked carefully toward the door, knowing that Soldier Boy was almost done with them. You were relieved that no one paid you any attention or questioned you. All of them showed interest in chatting with Soldier Boy.

“Are you okay?” whispered Soldier Boy as you waited for him outside, and you shivered when you felt his hand on your back.

You lied, “Yeah, sure,” and he instantly withdrew his hands.

It irritated him that you had become such a liar. “You must know that my Supe hearing can detect when you are lying to me,” he stated. You used to be different from this, and you always told him the truth about everything. particularly in regards to your current state of mind.

Even though you were the same person, it was difficult to accept that you had changed somewhat. But something has changed about you, and that's when Ben started to get upset. He had best to do anything needed to make you remember everything.

He shot you a cold look, and you said, “What will you do if I say, 'No, I'm not feeling good'?”

“At least I'd know you are being honest.”

With a quick smile, you said, “Well, remember that I don't even know you,” as if it didn't matter what you might have shared in the past.

Soldier Boy gave you a grumpy and unhappy look before gently pushing you to the car. After you left the supe-filled house, there was silence between you in the car.

Thinking about how he talked to the politicians, you felt uneasy and disturbed. You couldn't stop thinking about what kind of person you were and loved Soldier Boy if he was right about you being something months ago.

“What's happening in your head right now?” Soldier Boy finally asked you after giving you a look while you were driving. as if he were whispering.

This time, you said honestly, saying, “I was thinking about the way you talked to the politicians,” unwilling to ignore it and feeling a little more brave around him because he didn't appear to be a threat to you.

“And?”

You shifted in your seat, and you managed to ask, “Is it true that you are going to really team up with Homelander?” after giving it some thought.

Since he had a personal issue with Butcher and the others and was now filled with a desire for vengeance, you could try to understand him about them. However, it didn't seem proper to team up with the worst Supe alive and carry on doing out vile acts for evil people on behalf of evil people in positions of power. All it was was modern-day slavery.

“Are you having a problem with that?”

You shook in your seat at that moment, unable to speak for a long time due to the extreme coldness of his voice.

“Of course!” you replied, raising your voice slightly as if his question were the most ridiculous thing ever. Your former self could not possibly approve of the way he handled the Vought and Homelander crises. “What makes you even want to work with him? Even though he is biologically your son, he is still cruel and vile, just another Vought toy.”

“What do you expect me to do?” He raised his voice a bit as well, unhappy about how your voice sounded critical and icy toward him.

“Well, you don't have to allow people to take advantage of your strength simply because you hate Butcher and the others. If Butcher truly betrayed you like you told me, anyone could do so at any time; Homelander, politicians, and Vought included especially.”

“Even you?” he asked quietly, seemingly interested in finding out what you thought of him.

You were about to say yes, but you kept your mouth quiet out of fear for his reaction. Ben sighed, disturbed by your overly cautious and controlled acts next to him, as he realized that. It was as though you had truly vanished, as though he was speaking to someone else. He sensed then that even though you were with him at that same moment, by his side, he was still missing you. You were just with him physically. He realized then that he had to find you again and help you remember what you had. It nearly disturbed him to have that cautious, angry woman without memory by his side. He felt guilt filling his heart when he gave you an odd look. He had to be more understanding and soft toward you and not let his hatred for Butcher take over.

Soldier Boy simply said, “Things changed. You must choose a side no matter what time. Despite knowing that Homelander was actually my son, I had Butcher swear to murder Homelander. I was prepared to murder him until Butcher attacked me.”

You firmly stated, “He would never stop anyone from killing Homelander,” knowing full well that Butcher despised Homelander.

“It appears that you either don't recall everything about him or don't know everything about him. Do you even recall that Homelander's wife had a son?”

You exclaimed, “What?” in shock, thinking he was going to lie to you.

“Go ahead, give him a call, and ask about Ryan, his wife's son,” Soldier Boy added, flashing you a cunning smile.

“It seems like he didn't tell you.” Not surprised that Butcher was taking rather too long to tell you the truth about what actually took place, Soldier Boy asked with a slight smile. “And you still trust him, but not me.”

You kept calling Butcher every single time, and you said, “He's not answering my calls,” in a hurt voice. You had the option to call the others as well, but at that moment, all you wanted and needed was to talk to Butcher, and his lack of response was leading you to believe that Soldier Boy had been telling you the whole truth.

With a heavy heart, you placed your phone in your pocket and showed him how weak you were by holding yourself back from crying suddenly with your hands by your sides. When you were with Soldier Boy, you had no idea what kind of person he was, but you didn't want him to see you were that vulnerable, at least.

Butcher's betrayal was not quite as heavy as Kimiko's. When she knew you weren't even a Supe, why would she even leave you with Soldier Boy? If he had believed that you had deceived him as well, he might have hurt you. You believed that you had become friends with her. She must have known you for a very long period as well. The realization that she had been lying to you hit you even harder.

Confidently,  “Of course he won't answer,” remarked Soldier Boy. “He must be planning what to say to you and how to tell fresh lies to deceive you, leaving you even more confused.”

“He doesn't need to take any action in this case.” You said in a sour voice, “I don't think you're a good person at all after hearing you there and listening to the way you talked to those people.” You could not possibly just accept him collaborating with Homelander.

He gave you a tender glance and stated, “You love me,” without even trying to understand what you were trying to convey. “You, Butcher, and everyone else are aware of that. When you remember about us, we can have a proper conversation, alright?”

Ben was just bothered by the weight on his chest, which gave him the impression that you were a shapeshifter even if you weren't. Even though he was in love with you, he couldn't shake the unpleasant feeling that was eating him alive. It felt like he was trying reaching out to the real you that was hidden inside your body when he tried to speak with you. It was hard with your aloof,

nervous, and icy gaze. It was always easy to persuade him because of your understanding and kind tone, even when you two had previously had some disagreements. But now everything was different.

Saying with a sigh, “I don't know what kind of person I was before my memory loss, but I'm positive that I don't, and I can't be with you. I don't know if I'll be able to retrieve my memory, but if not, my feelings for you won't change. You are cruel.”

You were about to add something, but, “That's not what you really think of me,” he cut you off. “Let's simply spend the night somewhere tonight and talk to the greatest doctors who can help you tomorrow in the morning. We both need some rest. We'll get through this,” Soldier Boy assured you, quickly putting your hand in your lap and giving it a gentle squeeze to demonstrate his patience and sympathy.

With a strange expression on your face, you questioned, “What if I don't?” as your thumb lightly brushed across the surface of his hand. “What if I never remember anything about myself, you, or us despite all effort, even if the doctors and I do our best?”

“I gave you my promise,” he murmured, trying to show confidence and self-assurance as if there was no other option. “All you need is the best medical and psychological care possible. I'm everything you need. Not with Butcher's lies, nor any other person's. Me alone.”

You wanted to believe him at that vulnerable time, even though you could never be certain of the kind of person he genuinely was with you in the past. You wanted to think that he loved you more than anyone else. Looking at his powerful hands, which might have killed you in an instant, you held back your smile, seeing those hands were holding yours gently. You couldn't stop thinking about giving it a shot, but you didn't want to be too close or too far away from him. Given how simple it was for him to swap sides, he was obviously a cruel Supe, similar to Homelander, but perhaps you could change things.

“Since you were unfamiliar with me an hour earlier,” he added, changing the topic. “Why were you alone yourself on the third floor? You were there because Butcher assigned you another foolish and risky mission? Sending you there as if you were some prey?”

You lowered your gaze to the point where your hands touched and said, “You already know the answer,” as he looked at you.

“He's too fucking brilliant or too stupid to send you to me. I have to admit you had me distracted. If he had another plan in his stupid head by sending you to distract me, he is most likely successful.”

You said, “Butcher actually had no idea you were going to be there.”

“So you're saying I was lucky to find you, huh?” Soldier Boy winked at you and continued driving, barely checking at the road. You were afraid of him because of how careless he drove. He wouldn't die in a car crash, but you most certainly would. “I must confess that I was able to recognize your voice from the one noise you made up there. I suppose my supersensitive hearing was overly sensitive to you these days.”

He asked again, curious, when you failed to respond, “Why were you there? What would you do with that adorable little gun of yours that's still attached to your adorable pants?”

You instantly replied, straightening your t-shirt and widening your eyes. “Nothing!”

“Don't get excited; you can keep that useless gun with you, baby, if it will make you feel better,” he remarked simply, becoming annoyed when you immediately withdrew your hands from him.

“It's just a gun, nothing more.”

You attempted to sound calm and collected, but you were sweating and your heart was racing, so he could know you were lying to him again. Surprisingly, though, he remained silent and didn't make you tell him the details—for which you were grateful.

“Okay, keep that tiny, adorable toy if it makes you feel more secure. For the record, I can defend you more effectively than anyone, but I must warn you that hiring a Supe to keep you safe from criminals is incredibly pricey.”

This time, when he smirked and spoke to you in a lighthearted way, you couldn't stop giggling.

You laughed in response to his amusement, saying, “I need to think about this.”

“By the way, why in the world did you give me a hand job there while you really didn't even know who I was?”

Attempting to act cool, you crossed your arms over your chest when Soldier Boy brought up the intimate subject between you, drawing your hands to yourself and making a flushed face. This time, his tone was a little more stern and cold instead of playful.

“You made an attempt to take me there. It appeared to be an escape route.” You defended yourself. You were certain that your face blushed crimson.

“Fuck, baby,” he sighed in annoyance. “Of course I wouldn't force myself on you if you simply said 'no' and explained your situation to me.”

“How on earth could I be knowledgeable about that? I was frightened when a supe tried to take me on a table since you seemed so determined to take anything you wanted there.” You raised your voice to try to win him over. You weren't even brave enough to act reasonably there.

“What if someone else was attempting to... and it wasn't me? Fuck. I'd rather not even think about it. Now that you are sitting in your seat without your underwear, look what happened. I must admit, though, that I really enjoyed your little handiwork.”

Soldier Boy must have seen your heart racing uncontrollably again, because he said these things to either make you feel shy or excited.

You asked abruptly, hoping to annoy him with a hint of harshness mixed with curiosity, “And how on earth you couldn't tell I was lying if your supe hearing is too sensitive when I said I missed you too, because I was definitely lying?”

He added in a sour voice, “I was too fucking horny to focus if your heart beat was racing because of excitement or lying, sweetheart,” dismissing the fact that you had lied to him about missing him and ignoring the burise on his pride. “Who knows? Maybe both.”

You felt guilty as you noticed the lighthearted tone in his voice fade into a sort of sorrowful glimpse. He was aware that you were going through memory loss and that you weren't truly missing him or anything. It wasn't your fault, of course, but since he was your former personality's boyfriend and not your own, you wanted to cheer him up right now even if you didn't know how. It was hard to believe that you were the same real person as before, but you had the impression that your memories of him were more important to him than you were.

You whispered to him, observing his expression. “But if I were the same person as I was months before, I'm certain I would miss you. Of course, that is, if we were a real thing.”

When Soldier Boy saw that you were trying your hardest to cheer him up, he lit up with you a tiny smile to let you know he appreciated it. Your genuine behavior, sensitivity, and compassion were still present, at least.

He said, “It's okay,” with such firmness that you remained silent until you got there. “I just want you to be honest with me.”

You were unaware that he had been holding your hand the entire time.

When you realized that they had decided to stay in the house that Butcher had brought you to a few days prior, you asked in a hushed voice, “Why?” in shock. It was the home you most likely spent several months living in.

You knew that Butcher had told you to leave when he found out Soldier Boy was free since Soldier Boy had also must have lived in this house for a while.

“I promised to help you to recover.” He whispered, “We have to start somewhere,” and quietly closed the door while urging you inside. “This seems like a good place to start. It is too full with memories for us.”

You said, “Butcher told us to leave this home as soon as he knew you were free,” obviously not wanting to reveal too much.

“I thought so,” Soldier Boy agreed, unable to stop thinking about Butcher's cunning ways and how he did everything in his power to keep you away from him, and he angrily remarked, “He balls are not big enough to confront me.” You could never be taken from him. No fucking way.

You inquired, “Do we have good memories in here?” not knowing if he would be completely honest with you.

“Both good and bad. It took us a while to really start a relationship,” Ben said, remembering the unpleasant moments when he was being mean to you, and you found it simple to tell him how you felt, but he wasn't as ready as you were to do so. “Good memories were also there, though. In the last three or two months, we managed to work it out. It wasn't like we were toxic or something. Mostly.”

You only mumbled, “Hmm,” as you tried to imagine your relationship in your thoughts.

You followed upstairs without saying anything more, feeling the need to return to the room where you were assured it wasn't important. You wondered if your feelings would change if you spent time with Soldier Boy this time.

With a sigh of relief, Ben followed you there and watched you go to the room where he had spent months. He experienced discomfort and agony at the same time since you could remember the room where he stayed even though you were completely unaware of it.

Even if you forgot about him and everything you had, a piece of your love was still there, clinging to him and refusing to let go. Your body had its own thoughts about him.

“What did you choose this room?” As you closed the door behind you, Soldier Boy asked softly, hoping you would recall one small detail about him.

The emptiness and silence in the room created the same heavy sensation that was tearing at your spirit and couldn't even be named. It was a heavy feeling that filled your heart with aching thoughts. You knew it was important even if you weren't sure if it was the nothingness or the silence that affected you that hard.

“I found myself in this room when Butcher brought me from the hospital to this house.” You mumbled, “I don't even know why,” unable to contain your own sadness.

“And?” Soldier Boy asked, forcing himself to suppress a proud smile at your remarks.

“I'm not sure why, but I had a very depressing, possibly saddened feeling that I can't quite describe. All I can recall is that that evening, I cried all as I fell to sleep.”

Ben kept coming toward you, hugging you tightly from behind and kissing the back of your head firmly, all with a heavy heart. Your hands brushed his rough ones on your lower abdomen, but you avoided pushing him since you believed that being near to him would help your brain function. Nothing compared to how close and intense it was.

Saying in a rough, whispery voice, “This is the room I've been in for months,” he said. “You actually spent a lot of time in this room with me; we had many wonderful moments together. Your body must have a memory of its own.”

“I really tried hard, but...” you began to defend yourself, not sure for what, but he interrupted you right away with understanding.

“I know, I know.”

With a shy glance, you were able to save yourself from Soldier Boy just after you had a moment of silence. You clearly needed rest after such a difficult and stressful day.

You said, hoping to change the conversation and find out what his intentions were about tonight: “Will we stay the night here? I should mention that you have nothing to wear. The entire wardrobe appears to have been emptied. But I'll search Kimiko's room for something for myself.”

“Yes, we definitely will. Also, that's not a big deal,” he muttered as he hurriedly began to remove the cloth covering his chest and place it on the table.

Thoughts raced through your head as you held your breath for a moment. It appeared that a discussion regarding the best course of action was required.

With the knowledge that Soldier Boy was determined about sleeping by your side, you changed your clothes after finding clean underwear in Kimiko's room. God, you thought he might try to fuck you again after you had given him a handjob two hours earlier. This time, you believed that handwork would not be sufficient. You needed to speak with him in a serious tone.

You had no idea how your sex life with him would be, and you didn't think he would force you or anything, but he was still a supe, your so-called ex-lover or whatever. The situation was simply awkward. You had to let him know that you were different now. When you walked into the room, he was examining every inch of you while wearing a sly smirk.

With a trembling voice, you stated, “Well, I guess I need to be clear about something.” You really tried to sound tough and confident. It was becoming difficult to maintain your composure, though, under his playful gaze as he removed his jeans and boots. “I must tell you that I don't want any sexual stuff because, as you know, I can't recall a single thing about us. Until I regain my memories, you are, at the very least, a complete stranger to me.”

Ben grunted in exhaustion as he lay on the bed, rolling his eyes and holding back a smile in response to your explanation. You watched him nervously, waiting for an answer.

“Actually, I had no intention to,” he remarked honestly. “Of course, I still love you and want to give you a good fuck very much, we both need that, but you know, you kind of feel like a different person now. I suppose we need to go through this quickly so you will remember us. When things get back to normal in our relationship, that's when I'll give you a big, deep fuck, so you better heal quickly.”

His lighthearted remarks about how you were like someone else to him didn't make you feel better—in fact, they kind of broke your heart—but at least he was serious about staying away from you, which was good. What you shared in the room hours ago was already too much.

You turned your back on him and felt his naked upper body moving closer to yours instantly, but you remained motionless. You simply awaited his next action.

Once more, the hands of Soldier Boy stroked your lower abdomen, drawing you even closer to him and pressing your back against his bare and warm chest. You felt his power on your back. Uncontrollably, your hand contacted his rough one to see whether he would react to you and to feel something toward him. Although they were warm, rough, and understanding, surprisingly, his hands were not forceful.

He mumbled to your ear, wanting you to make yourself remember what you had. “We used to spend most of our time here, lying like this for months, for many nights,” he said.

Your hands lingered on his hands and said nothing, and he went on, “I miss you so much.” His tone was achingly sharp.

The way he'd said it, with his firm voice as though he was talking to someone else, was supposed to make you feel better, but it didn't. You wondered if he would still love and care for you, even if you felt like a stranger to him and you couldn't remember anything about him. With that kind of personality, wouldn't he love you? He had loved and missed the other side of you that he had been missing.

There was no more space between you two as he held you near to him; your back felt the warmth of his bare, powerful and warm chest, but you were agonizingly too distant to stay close and way too cold.

Next Chapter

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A/N: Comments are very much appreciated. They keep me going. ^.^

Taglist: @smexydilflover @deebris @coolrobloxkid28 @endrfairy @libby99hb @raynamorono23 @cwutesygrl @ladysparkles78 @seokjinluvbot      @deangirl96 @whendiditendalthoughenjoyment @mostlymarvelgirl @dilfsandmartinis @deans-spinster-witch    @mayafatimakhan @riah1606   @unleashthelion @cnmcgee @ahoytothestorm @hells-dragon @bitchykittenconnoisseur @anundyingfidelity @ladykitana90 @xmariakx @demodemo909 @placeboetkisi @sukunassfinger @startingstar

@peachhiz @yinmaggiorebass @ilovecooperhoward

[destructive-delight]

idk if you like these sorts of questions but how would you rank the organizations in bsd? in terms of faves or some other criteria? and/or who is your fave from each group?

let’s see... a few organisations i need to get out of the way right off the bat...

i can’t really rank the order of the clock tower by virtue of we know fuck all about it at this point.

and i’m not sure what to make of the rats given that next to the scale and complexity of the doa schemes it very much feels like fyodor’s fun little side project that did little more than put him in position to spend some quality time with dazai irregardless of how dazai may or may not feel about that. cannibalism arc is still my favourite though, so idk i feel like i should give them an honorary gold star for instigating all of that.

mimic gets a gold star too. they were a one-off villain organization, but their miserable quest for death and horribly inefficient weapon choice stuck with me. and again they instigated a lot of angst and i appreciate that.

the sheep... they did provide us with the utter brilliance that is sheep king chuuya, which inspired an ungodly amount of absolutely magnificent art both in fandom and in canon (i straight up can’t read the 15 manga because the art is so good, it makes my insides instantly wither and rot out of sheer envy). i refuse to give those brats credit for that tho.

with that out of the way my ranking of the main organisations goes as follows (with each respective fave in parentheses):

1.port mafia (mori)

2.the guild (lucy)

3.armed detective agency (dazai, fukuzawa is a close second)

4.decay of the angel (fyodor, nikolai is a very close second)

5.hunting dogs (fukuchi)

6.The Government™ i forgot the fucking name, do as marvel does and shorten it to something snappy, i have to remember enough public offices for work already (ango)

ahhh it pains me to put the doa so low and the version of them that lives inside my head would easily take the runner-up spot, but aside from ~aesthetics~ and favourite-character-concentration (which the doa wins handily with 3 out of 5 members being some of my absolute top faves, 60% my dudes, that’s vodka territory) i also value cohesion (how organised they actually are, what goal(s) they’re aiming for and the relationships between members) and that’s where the doa in its current state kind of falls apart. there are no shared goals, fyodor is just fucking with everybody and the only relationship that has any kind of substance is fyolai. is it really “organised” if my darling fyodor who can do no wrong is just puppeteering everybody else? i'm not so sure anymore...

(to be clear i do enjoy the betrayal and despair of it all and generally i reserve judgement until the arc has actually concluded, but looking at it as an actual organisation as opposed to a plot device it’s not doing much for me at the moment. though again i hold out hope for maybe some flashbacks that could give us some more insight into the doa’s planning stages and especially the relationship between fyodor and fukuchi...)

the port mafia has solidly monopolized the number one spot though, no matter what groundbreaking revelations we may or may not get on the doa front. discounting that one official art of the doa, the pm has by far the best aesthetic. aside from a few outliers everyone’s outfits are absolutely fantastic (from kouyou’s ensemble to elise’s dresses to every black suit and whatever spin the wearer takes on it; also as short-lived as they were, all the flags looked dapper as fuck too). special shout-out to mori’s office, 10/10 would love to do my soul-rotting paperwork in there and have a mental health crisis lying down on the carpet right after. great view too. dazai’s shipping container is a vibe as well tbh.

on the less superficial side of things i love that aside from taking on the thankless responsibility of working the nightshift of yokohama protection duty they are also just a fucking mafia that does mafia business and i wish we saw more of that.

in terms of members the pm is kind of a mixed bag (a handful of characters i love, a few i hate and a whole lot i don’t have any particularly strong feelings about), but even the characters i don’t care for generally have a more intriguing reason for being members than /you gotta be employed to survive under capitalism/. loyalty, a sense of duty, of belonging, everyone has a reason to be here and a role to play and is actually getting shit done. it feels like an actual organisation (which some entries on this list quite honestly don’t) but it’s also more than that... i’m not explaining it very well, the point is that i would not be opposed to a 500 chapter spin-off detailing the day-to-day port mafia business and exploring every member’s backstory and motivations. bsd needs more filler is what i’m saying.

[cilil]

5, 6 & 8 for the Eowne week ask?

Thanks for the ask!

Appearance idea

Conveniently I was asked about this by various people before (unrelated to this ask game), so I'm going to take and adapt my summaries from there -

Eönwë's "default" is a mostly humanoid form, basically model "standard angel man". Unlike Manwë's "airiness" he has the muscles, bone structure and just overall mass appropriate for a male humanoid warrior and is therefore significantly heavier and physically stronger than other wind spirits. He also has a pair of (physical) wings that are capable of flight and it looks like he has a pair of small wings as ears, but in actuality he has normal Elven ears that just have feathers on them (and they can emote). He also usually has humanoid legs and feet (to fit into boots and such).

His feathers are white with the occasional golden, brown or black spots, his hair is white golden/pale blonde and curly (inspired by cherubs, since it's my hc that depictions of angels in Middle-earth are based on Eönwë) and his eyes are usually sky/azure blue.

When dealing with fallen/evil Eönwë or him being so enraged he loses his shit, I swap this palette, giving him yellow/orange eyes (like raptors have, though you can also imagine Sith eyes if you want lol) and his skin, hair and feathers all have an eerie, cold blue tint, basically highlighting the wind spirit, storm and bird of prey angle instead of the angel angle (haha).

There's also a more "animalistic" humanoid form - though it only very, very rarely comes out - that is bigger and more eldritch, with additional plumage for example in the shoulder and chest area, tail feathers and bird feet.

Fanon idea I've adopted

That's a bit difficult to tell. Not because I think I'm the master of all things Eönwë who has come up with everything herself or any bs like that, but rather because I've loved him and read and written about him for so many years that it's hard to remember which ideas came when and from where.

I suppose one idea that I can say with relative certainty came from fanon is him having a close relationship with Finarfin, as well as having a relationship with/connection to Maglor. Both of these I've since picked up on in my own writing or am planning to pick up on in future projects and want to expand on.

Favorite friendship/platonic relationship with Eönwë

I'll preface this by stating real quick that with a lot of relationships it's fic and verse dependent whether I write them as platonic or romantic so if you see me talk about some relationships here and write them as romantic pairings another day I wasn't lying to you, I'm just trying out something new/doing requests😆

So one is definitely Ilmarë. I talked about her relationship with Eönwë more in depth in another response yesterday, so I'll keep it brief here: I like them as work besties, being in the weird position where everyone expects them to date, but they aren't really interested in that. In verses where I ship Ilmarë with Arien Eönwë is also very supportive of them, disregarding any feelings he might have - he just wants the girlies to be happy.

I also have to explore Manwë and Eönwë platonically more, I'm now realizing, but I'll get to do that soon with a Lost Tales based fic (which means that Manwë will be his Papanwë in that one). Cute!

Another friendship I like for Eönwë is Olórin. I see them growing closer post-War of Wrath, not least because Irmo and Nienna saw that Eönwë was struggling and decided to sic one of their emotional support Maiar on him. When Olórin dies in battle against the Balrog, Eönwë is absolutely devastated, wishing he could've helped him.

[bsaka7]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

i was tagged by @longeyelashedtragedy! i had actually been seeing this go around f1blr and was hoping someone would tag me...so thank you!!!!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

i have 96 (46 off anon, 50 on anon). of fics written in recent history, i have 48 f1 fics (35 off anon, 13 on anon) and 18 footiefics (11 off anon, 7 on anon). i have sort of a weird relationship with anoning - i generally don't mind if people know the fics are mine, but i usually don't want them on my account, generally because of quality reasons (or just a distancing). i generally anon anything that i've been away from the fandom for a couple of years, but i think this might change now that i'm like, not actively growing up in the same way. i feel like it makes sense not to want ventfic from age 14 on my account, but i don't necessarily feel the same way about well-written work from a fandom i'm no longer a part of...but then again. embarrassment factor. so who knows.

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

661,265. Most of that is from the last three years. Nearly half is from 2022 alone! I'd like to crack 700k this year, but I'm not sure if it's going to happen. I've been a bit stagnant lately, but there might be something bigger (if uninteresting to everyone but me) in the works...

3. What fandoms do you write for?

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

at the moment i basically only write footie rpf though i'm generally open to writing more f1 rpf or really whatever might take my brain by storm. i've written for lots of other fandoms but for some reason, it's basically ONLY rpf fandom that pulls me in and i actually get fully involved in, despite the fact that i love lots of fictional books and movies and things. the only other thing i could see myself writing fic for at the drop of a hat would be star wars OT/original EU. oh that's not totally true. i occasionally will write or consider rpf about various bands, mostly from the 90s 😑 but I've not written any in ages

taking some time - this was my first "big" f1 fic and i'm fully aware of why it's popular. it's fairly well written, it plays into common characterization, it's an extremely popular pairing, and it's unique enough (i hope) to still be vaguely interesting.

baby, need a ride - banger of a title, if i do say so myself (who doesn't love a bit of ke$ha). this is popular for a lot of the same reasons as the last, with the bonus of it being pwp.

[redacted] - i almost unilaterally refuse to admit i've written this fic. it got great comments from a lot of fic writers who i really admired in my early f1fandom days (and some i still do). this fic is, to me, extremely symptomatic of falling into fandom characterization without considering real-world input. it was maybe my second??? fic i wrote??? for f1. it's for a pairing i genuinely began to despise literally weeks after i wrote it. this fic is my no1 candidate for orphaning except that i don't like to orphan bc i DID write it and i do like to see what people say about it (and the comments are always lovely - i don't fault anyone for liking this fic. i'm glad to have created something that resonates deeply with many people!), even if sometimes i don't like reminding myself of who i was when i wrote it.

ill ray - this is probably the fic i'm proudest of being popular. i've definitely read fic that's been inspired by this which is a total honor. this is also the only fic in the top 5 that's not from what i consider my "early" f1 fandom era. this fic is mean and it's nasty and it's gross and it's stomach churning and it turned out better than i could have ever imagined. one of my favorite things I've written.

sheets soaking wet - early f1fandom pwp. i remember the exact weekend i wrote this lying on my futon. one of the first threesomes i wrote, i think.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

of course!!! i love comments and i am so grateful for them and i want people to know what they mean to me! i also am generally desperate for thinking deeply about fic (and for community at all) so i always want to engage with ppl who say interesting things! sometimes im a bit slow at responding - I especially sit on long comments - but I get there in the end :)

6. What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I honestly have no idea. I've written multiple fics where is sort of implied all of the characters die at the end (as the sails burn down like paper, echo of the future (sort of. this one is iffy. there are spinoffs I'll never write), green gloves) so maybe one of those? i don't have a great sense of these things.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Maybe like... Charles and the Three Curses or something. I think it's a nice getting together, figuring out your problems ending, and they'll probably end up together for a long time. Most of the endings of my fic even if they're "getting together" or sort of "traditional" happy endings, I don't consider to be happy endings bc its all about getting trapped in the evil misery cycle or something like that.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

i would think i hate on my own fics more than anyone else possibly could. that being said, although I've gotten a few backhanded compliments, no, no hate, thank goodness.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

yeah. i go through phases of writing it and then trying not to write it but i find it fairly easy to write and it can convey things i struggle with in any other kind of work yeah. in terms of what kind, i try to write stuff that has interesting emotional and political undercurrents. i like the real world in there. i like complication. basically, I use it to get at something that I'd struggle at getting at in a different fic of a similar length - it pares things down to bodies and emotion, even if there's still plenty of space for lying and misinterpretation and so on. i like to think my pwps are often about power. I've also said many times that i consider very little of the pwp I've written to actually be hot. idk....take that as you will.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

ive never done so though im not opposed to the idea. unless my f1 star wars au counts as a crossover which i don't think it does even though technically like in sequel 10000 someone probably does meet luke skywalker or like wedge antilles crash lands in old man seb's cornfield or something...

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

don't think so, thank goodness!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

no... I've had exactly one request ever and I turned it down. I'd probably say yes if someone I talked to regularly wanted to translate something, but I'm a bit of a control freak and it's not something I'm very comfortable with...

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

no, though again, not opposed to the idea... it could be fun! the other thing I'd like to do but im shy about would be to write a little fic in the universe of one of my friends fics but I've never done nor asked to do it so.

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

if i have one, i don't know it. usually when im done with something, i move on and rarely return.....i think i have more consistent themes and questions that i like to read about and return to, rather than ships.

15. What's a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

i don't really have a lot of wips.... pretty much everything i decide to write ends up finished! there's only the Big Time Travel Story (not fic) in my head that maybe I'll actually get working on pretty soon here...

16. What are your writing strengths?

Probably my greatest strength as a writer is nearly anytime I decide to write, I can just sit down and do it. I'm also a fairly quick writer. When I'm really into a fic, I can easily write 2-5k a day and sometimes more. Other than that, I guess my writing is pretty readable (not necessarily something that I always like in my own work).

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I struggle with writing dialogue, but my biggest weakness is my unwillingness to edit. It's not that I don't care or I'm not aware of what could be better, it's just that I'm lazy and I really enjoy being done, more than I enjoy putting forth more effort into a better work (that I know won't get any better if a response if I put that much more time in, but at the same time, I wasn't much of an editer on my college papers either).

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

hmmmm... i do it sparingly. i think awareness of language is something I'd love to improve on in my work, especially writing in the pov of someone's second or third language. I've definitely read it effectively in fic (and far more effectively in like, novels or whatever. and I've seen it done very poorly in fic), but my own language skills are not terribly useful to the fic I've written and don't particularly add insight into how i might do it better. usually i just use dialogue tags to make clear what language is being spoken.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

in elementary school i submitted a story about darth Vader and princess leia to a school library contest and was rlly sad when it didn't do well :( i wrote self-insert about myself hanging out with the usmnt and uswnt circa 2011...if either of those count 😉

20. Favorite fic you've written?

I'm going to give you two, on different criteria, though the answer is probably the latter:

Charles and the Three Curses is the most FUN I've ever had writing a fic. It's a bit silly and the plot itself isn't the most unique but I loved coming up with all the details of the different characters lives and the magic they used and my little oc's and so on... I love writing fantasy fic :)

scenes from an american artist is, I think, the best fic I've ever written. in terms of writing quality, of storytelling, of prose, of structure, this is it. i had something I wanted to capture and I think i managed to do it, almost how I'd wanted to.

honorary mentions: as the sails burn down like paper, echo of the future, you whom i cannot betray. You can also check out my Tetrapod Sampler with some fics that I think are quality and representative of my own work.

you will notice these are all f1fic and there's no footiefic to speak of. I'm not going to say that I haven't written good work for footie thus far, but I will say most of it has been pwp which is never my favorite, results wise... but i promise i have something interesting and different in the works!

i have genuinely no idea who has done this... I tag...@wdcseb @gokartkid ummm and if anyone else who follows me wants to do it and tag me I'd be happy to see I have been loving reading these!!! some people think so wonderfully deeply about their work and I love to see it!

[mondfahrt]

fanfic asks: 3, 5, 6, 7, 15, 18 + 29 (sorry i know that’s a lot)

Hiiiiii no worries, I love talking about writing almost as much as I love writing! <3

3. What’s your favorite fic that you’ve written?

Are you going to make me choose between my children?? ... Okay, seriously, I love all of my stories. I'm probably proudest of "Heartleaves", though, and I still regularly re-read "Everything That Touches Us". Even when I'm collaborating, I'm still writing for myself, you know? These are the stories and relationships I wanna read about, so I do!

Also, even if it's not done yet, I'm still very proud of "Neon, Neon". It took a lot out of me to start writing German fanfic again, to publish it, and then to also make it Explicit. I realised that I really like writing porn in German, I guess? Aaahhh, that sounds TERRIBLE!! xD

5. What’s a fic idea you’ve had that you will never write?

"Never" is a long time.... But I've had this idea of a OFMD/Steddyhands AU that's basically an OT3 take on "Sweet Home Alabama", you know, the romcom with Reese Witherspoon? I even have a playlist for it, but.... there's so many other things I want to write? Idk... Maybe some day...

6. Are there any fics from others you reread all the time?

YEEESSSSSS. There's "Benefits & Costs" by trans_chickens, I JUST reread that and it's still AMAZING. Then, the "Polyamory" series by Euphorion. Did I ever tell anyone that I'm obsessed with Kuroko no Basuke? WELL I AM OBSESSED. (Also, uuhhh, very E-rated, but go read the "A Firm Hand" series by lysapadin, it's so good!) I'm sure there are more but those are the ones I remember rn.

Already answered 7. in a previous ask!

15. How do you come up with titles for your fics/chapters?

Uuhhh, sometimes it's just words I like or that feel fitting. I like one-word-titles, especially for the German stories. And while I do love to get inspired by music and lyrics, I like lines from poems for titles even more!

(And then there's "Neon, Neon", which is called that, because I couldn't come up with a title, but I knew I wanted something related to Neon Trees.......)

Already answered 18. as well! (Normally I would give you another line, because there are more, but I'm super tired sorryyyyyy......)

29. Share a bit from a fic you’ll never post OR from a scene that was cut from an already posted fic. (If you don’t have either, just share a random fic idea you have that you don’t plan on getting to.)

This is just an excerpt from an Ed/Izzy, with past Izzy/Sam Bellamy story that I'll probably never finish.

"Later, there's a Sam-shaped hole burned into the inside of his chest as if was made out of paper, the edges black and fraying and still able to ignite if it catches the breeze wrong. He doesn't really think about it anymore, only that he burns and has been burnt, so he's decided that, for now, it's better to not think at all. About Sam. About Sam leaving. About any of it. And if, sometimes, he thinks about satin under his hands, cool and soft and almost liquid, if he thinks about Sam's fingers digging into his thighs, about the dark-blue-like-the-sky-just-before-dawn bruises he'd left there, if he finds himself reminded of him when looking out into the night, and reminded of silk when looking out to sea. Well, then, that's his own fucking business, and everyone else can go fuck themselves."

I like the words here, maybe I'll re-use them for something else. (I also thought about sharing something from the One Piece modern roadtrip AU that I have lying around but every excerpt looked too long and this is already such a long answer....)

THANK YOU FOR ASKING <3 this was funnnnn!!!

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

hey! would you be willing to talk about your short story Eat Well? I read it and loved it, though I admit (very sheepishly) that I feel like i didnt quite understand the end 😅 I'm curious to know what the core of the story is, how it looks in your mind, what the intention is etc. maybe I'm also wondering how it works in the terms of your recent short story instructional video? anyway, big fan as always. you inspire me! ♡

Ahhh thank you so much for reading it!

This story is SO up for interpretation. Spoilers here about the end so for those who haven't read it, you can read it for free first! Though I don't think this is necessarily a "spoilable" story because of the nature of the premise!

Really, a reader can take what they want from the ending. If you're not sure about the end, I think I can assume it's whether or not the couple breaks up? Lmk if I'm wrong!

I don't actually know the answer myself, haha. At one point, I did, but the longer this story sits, the less I know and the more I like the idea that it's very up to interpretation. You can see the ending as the couple getting back together (them coming together over the chowder that brought them together initially and working together as a team to finish the bowl of "gross" food which which they wouldn't do before as the boyfriend refused to eat the girlfriend's "gross" food and the girlfriend refused to take suggestions--lack of compromise both ways being made up by this act of coming together).

You can also see the ending as a breakup (which I think was my initial inclination but it's been over a year since I drafted the story so I actually can't remember--not lying when I say I don't remember my own writing, HA!). In that case, the ending is a bit bittersweet! The characters both understand the other in this moment but also know that even though they understand the other, that's not enough to save this ending relationship. The girlfriend's "This is so bad" dialogue and the boyfriend's "Now you know" dialogue indicates it that they DO get the other--girlfriend finally understands, deeply, how her boyfriend experiences her cooking, where boyfriend has finally met her halfway and is willfully eating "gross" food (and perhaps understanding why she wants to share it with him because it’s an experience, even if the food is strange).

It doesn't matter to me in this case what people take from the ending. If it's just a bizarre ending to a reader, that's fine too! Usually I'm very for authorial intent, but this story I think has taken a life of its own where people relate to it in a very personal (and therefore different) way. I remember my workshop was floored by how much they related to this exact situation (minus the weird food), AKA, how much they related to being in a relationship that's disintegrating, perhaps, but not fully gone (an in-between state where you're not sure where it's going). That experience is going to differ from person to person, and is going to depend on if you've been in a relationship before (I haven't, so I have no idea what that experience is like so was bringing in my own experience elsewhere) & what the relationship was like, etc.

It's really a story about THAT, those confusing, unspeakable points in relationships where you have no idea what something is or is not, or aren’t ready to confront that! I think the uncertainty is something I love most about it, because relationships are not always easy to understand, especially when they’re changing or ending. I wanted to capture the messiness that so many humans go through (whether romantic, platonic, parental, etc).

This story is not a “traditional” or “typical” short story, which is the type I showed in the video (and arguably the easiest to spot/understand/write). But, you 100% can still apply everything I talked about in the video!

Here's the story broken down into the structure I shared in my video (tho a reminder that short stories are moldable so IMO, as long as a story hits the essence of these points, it’s most likely fine and a writer will develop this judgement the more they write stories):

1. Character in particular predicament

A couple’s relationship has grown tense, allegedly because of the narrator’s weird cooking (Peas and Pasta)

The predicament actually happens BEFORE the story, which is a touch different to what you usually see.

2. Event unrolls that disrupts this predicament

The narrator continues to cook weirdly (perhaps on purpose)? (Grass Julep, Four Almonds, Ramen Alfredo, Raspberry zoodles)

There are multiple little events in this case--the disrupting event really is the character continuing to cook this way even though she understands (or maybe doesn’t?) her SO’s feelings about it.

3. Event peaks

Boyfriend asks girlfriend if they should break up (Granola Cheese - this is probably the most important section in the story)

This is the first time they’ve actually truly communicated in the story. It’s a moment of heightened tension in their relationship because they’re seeing each other, I think, for the first time in a long time. She’s making granola cheese because she wants to, and he isn’t participating at all because he doesn’t--this is who they are and they’re both confronting it here.

4. Final revelation that changes the predicament

This is that exact moment: “My hand was sticky. I looked at it. I’d been clutching the nub of extra licorice, hadn’t even realized he’d given the last bite to me. I looked from his shoeprints, already half-gone, to the bit of candy. I stuffed it into the glove compartment where it would probably remain, forever.”

Narrator is holding onto licorice that she doesn’t even like that her boyfriend kindly saved for her (but does she even like licorice? - she doesn’t really know). She looks at his footprints that are disappearing in the snow fast (like he may disappear fast from her life if they break up). She shoves the candy into the glove compartment because it may remain there even if she does not. (Clam Chowder)

The story does continue past this point to resolve itself, but I’d say this is the moment where the narrator has a revelation!

This was a fun story! Thanks for asking!

[rikiblues]

never tough with you

featuring. enhypen kim sunoo x yang jungwon contents. fluff, mild angst, child labor & abuse, platonic relationship

playlist. none word count. 1582

note. written for a writing event by decelis_acvdemy. inspired by life, lungs, and love by luvx1 on ao3. title from yoru ni kakeru (english version) by yoasobi.

When Yang Jungwon says that there's a certain magic about Kim Sunoo, he means it. I don't think I've ever met anyone like you, he'd once said in the lull of fast-approaching sleep, and I don't think there's anyone quite like you out there.

The words' validity are further credited when you think about that most things said on the verge of sleep are one's actual thoughts—and Jungwon won't ever lie to Sunoo, to begin with. When you're as close as Jungwon and Sunoo, it's kind of impossible to lie, not when you know all of each other's tells and little giveaways. Lying isn't appealing.

My guardian angel, Jungwon refers to Sunoo fondly. It's one of the few endearments that don't sound artificial or out-of-place in their life.

Jungwon and Sunoo both come from families that were once well-off, until they weren't anymore. Bankruptcy, debts, underhanded work from jealous rivals, the whole lot. They were far too young to actually remember any of it, so it's safe to say that they don't have a very good idea of just how nice it is to live in luxury, because they've never experienced it. Comfort equals luxury; some warmth to sleep at night; something to fill a stomach.

That's luxury. That's Sunoo—Sunoo, who holds Jungwon's hands when he's cold, does impossibly stupid things like steal food from the kitchen of the hotel they work at when Jungwon's too hungry to do much more than sit up straight, bribes the other boys who have been roped into working against child labor laws, from broken families like theirs, to cover his and Jungwon's working shifts so that Jungwon can go outside and play in the first snow before the cars and people can dirty it all (and fix a hot chocolate for him, expertly hiding it from anyone else, before he's done).

Jungwon can't imagine falling asleep at night without Sunoo, his best friend. Sunoo lets him cuddle when he has a nightmare, or even just because. Sunoo reads any stories he can, in the newspaper, the discarded books he can find, to relay them to Jungwon, who was never taught to read. They're functional as bedtime stories and a distraction from a bad day and/or time (or the wishes that they had actually alive parents to be there).

They met in the back alleys of the hotel. Jungwon started out by just hauling their trash from the back doorstep to the correct place for a couple of coins, and then a job doing basic housework like sweeping for a place to sleep at night, the back rooms. Eventually, it became him doing whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted, in exchange for that same place to sleep at night and a meal to eat every day—or else, it'd be back onto the streets, and the underhanded things they do for them exposed to the police. Solid deals.

Jungwon's daily jobs still included taking out the trash, he'd thought that time. What he didn't know until then was that Sunoo, the new addition to their 'staff,' would have the job on his hands, leaving Jungwon to do other things. Which weren't much better than this, to be honest.

"What're you doing?" Jungwon had asked when he found a strange boy tugging a larger-than-his-size trashcan towards the corner dumpster.

"Taking out the trash," Sunoo had said, "like I'm supposed to."

"I'm supposed to do it, though," Jungwon frowned, "I've done it since last month."

"Oh, you're the one they said used to do this," Sunoo realized. He wiped his hands very thoroughly (but somewhat ineffectively) down against his trousers, and held out a hand to Jungwon, beaming. "My name's Kim Sunoo! This is my job now, until someone else has to, I guess. Let's work together!"

Bright, fox eyes paired with a smiling, sunshine-bright pink-lipped grin. Who was young Jungwon, with no allies, no friends, no nothing, to say no, to such a kind, enthusiastic and even welcoming offer? No one, he was no one to say no.

So, he accepted. Together, the two boys dragged the trashcan to the corner dumpster—both delighted that it took less time than it took Jungwon usually. "Teamwork," Sunoo had said, eyes sparkling, taking Jungwon by the wrist and dragging him along in a sprint to the other end of the alleyway. "Now come look at a kitten I found!"

Jungwon had been hesitant, but they still had at least ten minutes left before being due to show up anywhere, so he relented. At the other end of the alleyway, a dead-end one, was a little white kitten with orangish-brown patches on its body. The two of them had never seen such a friendly, affectionate kitten, and were completely enamored.

"It likes you better than me!" Sunoo noted delightedly. Jungwon giggled, watching little baby kitten wind its way around his legs, tail waving in the air. He reached down to pet it between its ears. "Aww, you two are so cute!"

So enamored, in fact, that they lost track of time, and were reprimanded more severely than any ten-year-old should have, beaten and humiliated. But that was okay, Jungwon had made a great new friend, and things looked better than before.

He can be cool and reserved around people he doesn't like, but he's always kind and generous. He protects without thinking of himself. Weakness is hardly ever a thing Jungwon sees on him. Some days, he resents that. Other days, when he's tired and falling apart at the seams, he's grateful for it. Yang Jungwon is a flickering flame in the wind, and Kim Sunoo's hands cup around him protectively, sheltered from the world.

Jungwon is there one day, when Sunoo instinctively decides to dye his hair a bright and vivid orange. He has to convince Sunoo that the boss and customers wouldn't like it—"they'd call you an eyesore, and it makes it harder to blend in," he points out very gently but straight-to-the-point. Because with them, Sunoo does the protecting and Jungwon handles the logistics of everything they do in between.

So, he settles for a platinum blonde, and Jungwon chooses to highlight his midnight locks with a chocolate brown. The dye they buy from a convenience store costs almost half the funds they've been saving for the past three years, since they first understood the concept of saving, and the cleanup of the mess they inadvertently managed to make takes almost an hour, but the end result is actually cool. Jungwon's black towel doesn't go through any color changes, but when Sunoo washes and dries his hair, his own, that's in shades of white of yellow, just becomes a towel with bright yellow designs and milder yellow fill-ins. They laugh about that for a long time.

Sunoo sends Jungwon off to bed while he tries to get the color out of his towel and he goes off to the laundromat because their daywear is completely soaked through because of the water-fight they'd had. Sunoo isn't embarrassed about wearing a Spider-Man shirt and similarly themed pants in public. "It's what we have, so why not?" he always says.

He comes back approximately three hours later with a clean towel, and fresh clothes, just in time for the nightly roll-call. He slips into bed (the thin mattress that barely has any cushioning) beside Jungwon and feigns sleep, just like all the other wide-awake ones surrounding them. The man who counts heads leaves after a minute, and the room all at once erupts into a low hum of chatter. Jungwon and Sunoo sit up against the wall.

"There was a nice lady," Sunoo tells Jungwon, fingering a lock of his new blonde hair—how well that'll go over with the boss, Jungwon doesn't know, but he knows that even if anything happens, they'll have to accept it. Sunoo's already popular with the girls who frequent the hotel's restaurant; he even has a crush on one of them (which Jungwon is sure to tease him for mercilessly, of course; it's adorable). "She let me use some of her detergent when she saw my towel. It's super-strong, or something like that. It worked."

"She didn't ask any questions?" Jungwon asks, though he already anticipates the shake of Sunoo's head. They're seventeen and eighteen, now. It's not so strange for teenaged boys to be at the laundromat. Not like it was when they were thirteen and all alone in a crowd of older teens and moms and dads and grandmas. "Will the boss be mad?"

"I'll protect you if he does," Sunoo says simply. "I always do."

"But who'll protect you?" Jungwon persists. "What about you?"

"We protect each other, Jungwonie," Sunoo says, tapping his nose. It's a sweet action, and it makes him smile, knowing that everything will be okay if he just believes that it will be. "Isn't that how the two of us have always operated?"

"You always save me," Jungwon corrects, "and I just do damage control when I'm not terrified and shaking."

"Regardless."

"Always the guardian angel," he teases, leaning into Sunoo's side. He doesn't mean it a sarcastic way, even if it's teasing. Because that's what Sunoo is. His guardian angel, until the end of the world, till the end of time. Forever and always.

pocketz <3

I apologize for nothing.

[calmlythrilling]

Lock this man in a room with his alter ego and past self and let them best each other up. As a form of therapy.

from here. This is a long post so putting it under a read more.

I don't write this enough - but this is part of the reason why I think PV doesn't sleep at night, it's him being locked up with Shadowy. And he wants no part of it. Not really therapeutic for him in my mind? I take a lot of inspiration from Persona 4 and KO/TKO's relationship when it comes to them - denying that this is you is going to result in the other acting out and going beserk, and unwilling to work with them is just going to make it worse. And I think PV has every reason to not to - if this is truly another person entirely, then this person is also kind of to blame for getting himself and Fink killed. This person used him. This person hurt his family. And Venomous... he wouldn't do that, right? So, if I say PV's dreams is just him confronting his alter ego, well, it's exhausting. Sleep is restless because it's just a constant battle of denial and trying to not freak out over this guy that seems to have more control of your own body and knows stuff about you that you didn't even know about yourself. And this shadow wins every time. Of course he wins every time. For Venomous the only way he can "win" is to avoid confrontation at all - or, avoid sleep.

To mix in Laserblast is definitely interesting though - I think Laserblast had a lot of issues with presenting himself as amoral, like he was scared of being such, even if he knew on some level that he was. I think this is still true for PV now, so I think it'd only count as therapy if PV seeing LB, understands that he's still the same in regards to not admitting things openly, to being scared of it. Remembering not only how freeing it was to admit it but how he eventually learned he can be loved for it or in spite of it. This is assuming he would connect the dots on his own and compare this to interactions with Shadowy, and wouldn't just hate LB for existing - PV and LB treats themselves way too harshly. I think LB would just naturally hate PV as well - PV's everything LB doesn't want to be and is scared of becoming. And if PV admits that he is the guy LB is in the future I know LB would flip and insist the other is lying.

Shadowy and LB, though... would probably be a lot like what PV and Shadowy is now. Except on top of the taunts of being weak and powerless, Shadowy would compare and contrast the two of them. PV misses his power, LB has it - LB therefore is better of the two. LB however hasn't realized he hates being a hero - PV is better in that regard. Neither compare to Shadowy though. Speaking of which it's funny to me that the guy with a ton of self-loathing has a shadow that seems almost narcissistic, confident he's everything they want to be, like he's the ideal self over the suppressed self - except given certain moments in the show, I think he also knows he's just a shadow, but never seems to want to say those exact words to PV and LB and wishing for them to never know. Plays back into "Venomous does know, he's scared of it, therefore the last thing he'll do is admit it." And I think the same would go for LB.

So... tldr? I'm guessing it's less theraputic for the three and a lot more violent. They'd be at each others' throats, and it's really just due to everyone involved not being fully honest, and the inability to be such because not even themselves seems to know.

But, maybe, there's the chance you're right, and that fight is what is needed for one of them to accidentally blurt out the truths they're not aware of. It'd probably come from Venomous - he's done it before, he's had those realizations before. Shadowy Figure seems to want to do everything in his power to have this realization not happen, and Laserblast was never able to be truly, completely honest with anybody before, not even himself. In that sense it'd be therapeutic. ...I'm not confident that they wouldn't just keep being at each others' throats though and never learned anything and just be so tired from all of it.

[birdkittenn]

oh, now i can reblog things again, time to continue this!

wrath layer fic chapter 4 reaction

before i start with reacting, i want to preface with a fact that i just remembered and it was the fact that i initially never planned for there to be a confession scene between them. their relationship was going to be a bit ambiguous and at some point they just started being lovers and the 2 of them do not know when. however, the confession scene was too cute for me not to write one out, so they get one instead

ok now for the actual live author reaction. not even pretending to be an unrelated 3rd party reader anymore now

ooh this was a bit inspired by rain world. the machines there are partially biological, and uh. fuck how do i spoiler tag here. maybe look away and dont read the next 2 paragraphs if you dont want rain world spoilers (please play this game blind if you like creatures and platformers, the ecosystem (sort of, once you know whats going on behind the scenes) is very very cool. its a very good subway rat simulator)

so in rain world, for the unaware, there are robots and these robots are half mechanical and half biological. one of these robots, in an attempt to do something else, accidentally gives himself what is basically cancer. malignant cells that grow and divide endlessly, and despite his efforts, he is unable to rid himself of his new cancer

which is where the inspiration comes from for this, as i was trying to figure out an explanation for hard damage (was also unaware that lenient and harmless has no hard damage when i wrote that) and that just means its a built-in limiter for v1's self-healing! cant have your fuckin warmachine just get cancer because it healed too much in one go, and healing here being straight up creating new cells and mechanical parts, yeah. if that goes haywire, you've got machine cancer

they have both hurt each other and i wanted to show that physically. for v2, it was the whole arms thing, but v1 has permanent cracked ribs. i want to note that the cracks are (near) directly over where the heart is. yes i have the scene in mind on how this happens, and it WILL be written out god help me. not written yet but once i get there.....

v2 likes to read, and lucky for him, he was given plenty of books. there was a lot of variety too, good for him. he used to like to act out a few scenes as well, and while the scene in the brackets will not be written out beyond that (sort of something im keeping as a noodle incident for the people who dont find my live author reaction here), i do have the scene in my head on what happens after past v1 just left. it just went from their shared rec room back to its own room and kind of like.....replayed that scene over and over again in its head while it was lying down in the corner of the room. yes because of the gay thing but mainly because v1 is really starved for affection and hates to admit it, especially if its coming from v2

which is a huge difference from how i write current v1 being an affection beast! please give it plenty of hugs and kisses. its so starved of that. lucky for it now, v2 is willing

>-< so sweet. i wasnt quite sure what pet name v2 was going to use so i asked people and then i proceeded to use a different one that was not suggested. alas. i do have their suggestions kept in mind for possible later use though

hehe v1 pouting

singling out this sentence specifically from the paragraph because. well. in an earlier draft of the pre-canon fic, i used the later part of the sentence for more angstier purposes. i might use it again, i'm not sure

and this! i'm using the wings not to mean specific emotions, but for the actions themselves that was listed on the wiki. except yellow. yellow is default

red = get closer to target, which can mean anything from enraged to intimacy. in the 7-3 fic, i had v2's wings being red the whole time to signal that v2 literally cannot take his attention off of v1

oh and then in the next scene they kissed. i dont know why i was sort of allergic to making them say kiss. it reads a bit weird when they dont directly call it that. like at all during this scene

i used v2 as my wheel to get the fishing plot moving. please. stop trying to make out. stop bonking your stupid camera heads together

didnt even fully work. v2 here with the quick robot kiss during the bridal carry

in the original draft, it would've been v2 who somehow found himself in the middle of the lake. and then he just didnt leave for a good while because wawer......v2 was out there chillin and vibin while v1 was fishing or something by the dock

oh that part was from the stream where hakita pet a fish

once again this was my mental image

stickfish gets its own section because i love stickfish

stop fuckign bonking your heads together we have fish to catch!!!!!!!! i originally meant to delete that part but then i forgor and then i just didnt care enough to remove that

it is so nice that i can just write them saying "i love you" freely. lanria's series where they Cant do that has definitely stuck to some part of my brain. and it also hurted. because i read that series before i even played the game so it was like ..... damn. their series + the many other works that used he/him v2 definitely contributed to why i initially headcanoned v2 using he/they. she/her v2 was much rarer so i did not osmosis that. headcanons have changed though, now i have a genderfluid v2 in this series

theuyre so fuckin affectionate with each other. good for them

oh yeah the knuckleblaster just doesnt work in 5-S. like you cant use it at all. i didnt know because i didnt try when i first played 5-S but i saw it in the wiki or something

v2 is a little hypocritical. they might have also folded that easily

v2, internally: oh fuck we Cannot talk about the time v1 went outside quick change the topic !!

yes! ok! so v1 losing time was ripped from catherine soma's experiences, but its cause for experiencing that is different. its also kind of a really dull reason but i wasnt sure how to justify this since my pre-canon plans have changed, and by nature of this scene being included, i Have to keep v1 losing time. i dont mind much on working around it, but yeah

fun thing that i think i might keep for the future: v1 still experiences losing time. since my current justification is "really really shitty bug in its systems" (v2 has that fixed, but it still went through that enough times before that got fixed that v2 understands and can easily guess why v1 is reluctant to sleep), and v1 not receiving further updates, means that v1 is stuck with this for basically forever. v2 does not know how to remove it nor is he well versed on the software side of things to even attempt on guessing what to do

so yes, v1 still loses time when it sleeps. it sometimes experiences that if it's shut down, but since shut down kind of clears stuff and all, not all the time. only if the shut down was shitty or v1's systems manages to Not clear all that (happens a lot)

who wants to see me liveblog my reaction to my own fic

[daydreamingsora-fics]

Pairing: Post timeskip ex-lover! Miya Atsumu x reader x Post timeskip current lover! Sakusa Kiyoomi

Word count: 1,180

Genre: Angst

<sora's memo> hello, it's been a while~ sorry for being mia. For the past weeks I actually don't feel like writing at all and I just prefer reading. But today is different, after watching this video I got inspired, and I end up writing a short story. I hope you guys are doing well, and are safe! Also I want to inform you guys about something that I've been working onto that I might post it here soon 🤫🤫. Anw, i hope you guys would like this short story that I wrote.

There you are walking down the aisle with a smile, the smile that struck Miya Atsumu’s heart when he first met you in high school. Everyone’s eyes are on you, adoring how beautiful you are, how you look so blooming and fresh on this very special occasion of your life.

But no one adores you like how Atsumu does. He can’t help but to fall in love with you all over again. Heart beating fast as he watches you walk slowly down the aisle. Hands are shaking and a lump is forming on his throat. He feels like tearing up just by looking at how beautiful you are in your wedding dress.

He watches you as you look at your guests, who’ve been part of your life since the very start. There are not many people you invited. You only invited your family, close friends in college and also the former Karasuno Highschool volleyball team of your batch. Then you look forward, your eyes met his golden brown one. And with your eyes meeting, Atsumu went back to memory lane.

He remembered the first time he saw you in the spring tournament which is also the time where he fell in love with you. He remembered how he tried to approach you after their match with Karasuno but got easily rejected. Osamu and Suna even teased him by getting rejected. But he didn’t give up, the next day he tried to approach you again before the match of Karasuno and Nekoma then got rejected again. He tried again and again until you lost it and gave your number to him.

You don’t know how happy he was. He felt like he took 2 to 3 steps of getting closer to you. After that he always contacts you, updating you with everything whether they won or not. It went like that for a while until you realize you’re also falling for this guy. It didn’t take long for the two of you to start dating, and if Atsumu will not tell you that dating you is not the peak of his life then he is absolutely lying. In fact, dating you felt like he is in utopia, everyday felt euphoric. He even reaches to the point of being content with his life, just being with you and achieving his dream as a pro volleyball player.

But not all love stories end with a happy ending and maybe his love story is one of those contrary. Even though everything seems happy and full of love, his relationship with you comes to an end. Everyone was shocked when they knew about it, even him didn’t foresee it. But what will he do now, it’s already done. The two of you have broken up and the only choices for him is to move on.

However, it was not easy for him, he can’t get used to being alone again. He was used to seeing you everyday, taking you on a date and doing most of the stuff together but now he can’t do those things anymore. Atsumu felt so lost. That one person who’s keeping him on track was now out of his life. It took him a while for him to get back on track. He did everything just to feel better and thankfully his friends and family are there to support him.

Later on, you and Atsumu bumped into each other again. You’re with someone, not only a random guy but his teammate in MSBY, Sakusa Kiyoomi. It was awkward, very awkward. Seeing you with his teammate made Atsumu come to a realization on why Omi-kun was being cautious or awkward around him for the past few days. So, to lessen the tension Atsumu is the first one to greet them with a smile and the two relax and greet him back.

After that incident, he and Omi talked after their training. Omi was very careful in telling Atsumu that he is dating you. But just like what Atsumu did before he just smiled and congratulated him.

He remembered how after that talk with Omi, he went straight running to his brother’s restaurant. Telling everything to Osamu, how he bumped into you and Omi, and how Omi told him you two are dating. Atsumu talks and talks as Osamu prepares his meal for him and when Osamu faced his twin brother to serve his food, he saw tears running down Atsumu’s face. The brunette boy looked at his twin sadly and served his food. Osamu felt sorry for his twin brother, he knew how much Atsumu loves you. Even though the two of them argue a lot, he still wishes his brother happiness.

After that event, Atsumu comes back to your life but not as your lover but as your friend. The two of you got to talk about the past and had a closure that you needed. He’s fine with it, as long as he is part of your life. And he did become part of your life again. He was there to see your relationship with Omi grow. He was there to help both you and Omi when the two of you quarreled about something. He either listens to you or Omi complains and gives some advice. He was the first one to know about Omi’s plan proposing to you and the first one to get to know that you said yes. Lastly, he was the first one to get invited to your wedding, not only as a guest but as Omi’s best man.

He even remembered how your eyes sparkled with joy when you told him about your wedding day. Even with Omi, he didn't expect a guy like him would show such emotion when he was offered to be his Best man at his wedding. He wanted to reject the offer but he didn't want to ruin the joy you both felt at that moment, so he accepted the offer.

And here he is right now, standing beside your soon to be husband. When you reach the front of the altar where he and Omi were waiting, you look at him and smile. You reach your hand out and he immediately took it. You gave his hands a squeeze and mouthed “thank you”. At that moment, Atsumu did his very best not to drop a single tear during the best moment of your life. Atsumu just smiled and squeezed your hand back. He then looked at Omi and gave him a pat on his back. Omi looked at him and gave him a smile before taking your hand and walking to the altar.

Atsumu once again felt pain and happiness, just like the time when you show your engagement ring to him. His heart was shattered again as he was not the man you’ll be growing up with but he is content and happy because you fall to someone that will make you feel even more special. Atsumu stepped back and took his seat beside Bokuto. He quietly watched as the ceremony that would change your life forever.

<sora's p.s> I'm supposed to post this on sunday but I can't wait any longer lol

[beepboop358]

A Prom in S4 Theory & Music Coding Predictions

Some leaked set pics indicate that there MAY BE a junior/senior prom at Hawkins High, which they are calling the "Lover's Ball". It's unclear if this prom will be included on screen, or if it will just be mentioned as an event coming up at Hawkins High because this flyer could just extra set decor. Regardless if the prom happens on screen or not, there will probably be some tension about 'who's asking who' to the prom that we will see in s4. Given that this picture was just leaked a few weeks ago, it probably falls closer to the end of the season sequentially.

Having a big school dance in s4 is suspiciously close to how they had the Snowball scene in s2. This would certainly follow the even/odd season patterns, (and actually add to the list of the patterns), which kind of makes me think we will see this prom on screen, or at the very least it will be mentioned in the course of the season.

The Duffer Brothers love Steven King and reference his work and especially 'IT' a lot in the show, but they haven't done anything with Carrie yet so maybe we will get a Carrie moment this season at the prom...

Carrie was on the video store fridays movie inspiration board for ST4.

At the "Lover's Ball", there will be definitely be some music coding relating to Byler. Since music coding is kind of a key thing in the show, I've been rifling through 80's songs to try and find some that may fit with s4's themes/character storylines (and I may do a seperate post about that later), but for this post I'm just gonna focus on what they might use at the prom for relating to Byler.

Since the season is most likely going to take place in 1986, I only selected songs that had a compatible release year so it would be historically accurate. (these songs would also be great for a byler playlist!)

Some strong contenders for the songs that might play at the prom to reference Mike and Will's relationship could be:

"True Colors" by Cyndi Lauper (1986)

This song is honestly too good of an option for them not to use. I'm reallllyyy crossing my fingers for this one.

It's hard to take courage In a world full of people You can lose sight of it all And the darkness inside you Can make you feel so small

"And I see your true colors Shining through I see your true colors And that's why I love you So don't be afraid (don't be afraid) To let them show your true colors True colors are beautiful (you're beautiful, oh) Like a rainbow Oh oh oh oh oh like a rainbow"

If this world makes you crazy And you've taken all you can bear You call me up Because you know I'll be there

"Heaven" by Bryan Adams (1984)

This first verse is literally just the story of Byler... 😭 The rest of the song applies but that verse verse is just sooooo accurate. (I'm crossing my fingers for this one too)

"Oh thinkin' about all our younger years There was only you and me We were young and wild and free Now nothing can take you away from me We've been down that road before But that's over now You keep me comin' back for more

Baby you're all that I want When you're lyin' here in my arms I'm findin' it hard to believe We're in heaven And love is all that I need And I found it there in your heart Isn't too hard to see We're in heaven

Oh once in your life you find someone Who will turn your world around Bring you up when you're feelin' down Yeah nothin' can change what you mean to me Oh there's lots that I could say But just hold me now 'Cause our love will light the way"

"Take My Breath Away" by Berlin (1986)

This song is on Will's Spotify playlist, and I thought it could also be used at the prom since it's a romantic song. I see it as an 'entrance to the prom' moment song, almost like a 'first look' - like the Mike and El moment at the snowball when she first walks in, but with Mike and Will this time. I think the lyrics clearly hint to this kind of 'first look' moment as well.

"Watchin' every motion in my foolish lover's game On this endless ocean, finally lovers know no shame Turning and returning to some secret place inside Watchin' in slow motion as you turn around and say...take my breath away"

Watchin' every motion in this foolish lover's game Haunted by the notion, somewhere there's a love in flames Turning and returning to some secret place inside Watchin' in slow motion as you turn my way and say...take my breath away"

"In The Air Tonight" by Phil Collins (1981)

This song was originally meant to be included in the snowball scene from s2, but it ultimately was not used and "Every Breath You Take" was used for this scene instead. Since it was intended to be a part of the s2 dance, that's why I think it may be used at the prom this season. (you can read the scripts on 8flix)

——— I forgot to include this explanation originally BUT, I think this song might be used to show some anger/resentment between the two, and to show a decent amount of tension, depending on their development this season. Like maybe Mike is kind of leading Will on in private by continuing to initiate intimate scenes between them, but in public Mike is still trying to put on his “straight boy act” and kind of being a jackass about it, and this song could be used to show the tension between them that has caused.

"And I've been waiting for this moment, for all my life, (Oh lord)

Well, I was there and I saw what you did I saw it with my own two eyes So you can wipe off that grin, I know where you've been It's all been a pack of lies.

Well I remember, I remember don't worry How could I ever forget It's the first time, the last time we ever met But I know the reason why you keep this silence up

No you don't fool me The hurt doesn't show, but the pain still grows It's no stranger to you and me"

"In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel (1986)

Some of the lyrics in this song just SCREAMS byler, just look at the 1st, 2nd and 4th paragraphs. I would be suprised if they didn't use this song in either s4/s5.

Love, I get so lost sometimes Days pass and this emptiness fills my heart When I want to run away I drive off in my car But whichever way I go I come back to the place you are

All my instincts, they return The grand facade, so soon will burn Without a noise, without my pride I reach out from the inside

In your eyes The light, the heat (in your eyes) I am complete (in your eyes) I see the doorway (in your eyes) To a thousand churches (in your eyes) The resolution (in your eyes) Of all the fruitless searches (in your eyes)

Love, I don't like to see so much pain So much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away I get so tired working so hard for our survival I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

"Heroes" by David Bowie (1975)

David Bowie was bisexual. A cover of his song “Heroes” is used in the show twice already, sung by Peter Gabriel. The song plays when they pull Will's fake body out of the water in season one and Mike cries in his Mom's arms, with some very queer-coded lyrics in the background, and after Hopper's letter in s3 (which is very Byler-centric)

"I will be king. And you, you will be queen 'Cause we're lovers, and that is a fact. Yes, we're lovers, and that is that. Though nothing will keep us together. We could steal time just for one day We can be heroes forever and ever. What d'you say? I, I wish I could swim, like dolphins, like dolphins could swim I, I can remember (I remember) Standing by the wall (By the wall) And the guns shot above our heads (Over our heads) And we kissed as though nothing could fall (Nothing could fall) And the shame was on the other side. Oh, we can beat them forever and ever. Then we could be heroes just for one day We're nothing, and nothing will help us Maybe we're lying, then you better not stay But we could be safer just for one day"

I just thought the above songs might be some highly likely possibilities given that they fit the year of the s4 and also make references to not only love, but the idea of hiding, pain, shame, longing, etc., and can make some (partially stretching here) references to other things in the show such as:

RAINBOWS and TRUE COLORS, SHINING THROUGH (rainbows imagery is always associated with Mike & Will in the show and a is symbol of lgbtq+ pride, True Colors shining through = who you really are on the inside finally coming out)

IF THIS WORLD MAKES YOU CRAZY ("crazy together", "only love makes you that crazy" and references the "world" motif in the show)

YOUNGER YEARS, ONLY YOU AND ME, YOUNG, WILD AND FREE (references "not wanting things to change" and wanting "to make things go how they were" part in Hopper's letter, and the "But we're not kids anymore" comment during the Byler fight)

ENDLESS OCEAN and SWIM, LIKE DOLPHINS (references water's significance in the show)

FLAMES (Will in front of the burning car in s4 teaser?)

LIES and LYING (Mike lying to El about how he feels)

INSTINCTS RETURNING, FACADES BURNING, WITHOUT MY PRIDE, I REACH OUT FROM THE INSIDE (Mike's feelings for Will are his instincts, the facade is the act he put on in s3 to seem straight, burning could reference Will & fire, and I think the last 2 lines of that 2nd verse reference vulnerability- perhaps in an apology/confession)

I GET SO LOST (confusion about his sexuality, feeling lost without the other) and SO MUCH WASTED TIME (known each other since kindergarten but were unaware the other felt the same way/was dealing with same things, they could have been even closer)

KINGS and QUEENS (the d&d game mike wrote where he has king Tristan give him a medal in s1)

STEALING TIME (references "turning back the clock, to make things go how they were" part in Hopper's letter and the time theme in s4 and time is central to the s4 plot)

AND WE KISS - AND THE SHAME (references the shame they both feel about being gay since it was so stigmatized in the 80's)

Byler @ Prom Possibilities:

If Mike and Will did dance together at the prom, they will probably get bullied because they live in a small conservative town. They will probably either run out, upset, or Eleven will step in to protect them which could lead to the Carrie moment.

Or Mike and Will will not dance together in the actual dance room, but instead sneak off to somewhere else in the school and have a private Byler dance moment where they can't be teased and it's just them together.

OR Mike and Will are still acting weird at this point in the season because neither of them is communicating what needs to be said out of fear, or one of them has confessed or done something to indicate how they feel, but the other hasn’t so everything is weird between them. There would be lots of tension from this and we would get lots of longing looks and adoring moments between the two of them from the sidelines. (I think this one is the most likely)

[geneticcatalyst]

Why No One Got Nailed In The First Timeline: (a Qi Ye post)

I was rereading some of @hunxi-after-hours incredible meta and got stuck on the part of this post ^ where it's mentioned that Priest stated in the first life wkx and zzs never met.

Which is making me lose it because that's what I had just assumed from the beginning- right up until the whole rest of the fandom was talking about how sad it would be that in the first life theyd have still fallen in love but zzs would have just died of the nails. That seems to be common fanon interpretation which is of course great if you like angst, and when I saw that I was just like oh ok that tracks I guess: in first life not only does zzs not have jby to show up and meddle in his affairs due to his execution, he also doesnt even have a relationship/debt with wu xi because in first life wu xi is never in the capital at all. So yeah, in first life a zzs who set out to die of the nails would not be able to be saved.

But the thing is in my initial read, I actually thought that in the first life zzs probably never left the city at all. I actually assumed that in first life, zzs and jby both stayed caught in the emperor's orbit and the morass of politics until it killed them. I figure it was only that in the seventh life, zzs saw jby get out, make it to freedom, and even though they can't have been in much if any contact, knowing that at least beiyuan made it out was enough for zzs until it wasn't, until he realized that he needed to do the same. I think seeing that it was possible, even at the cost of abandoning everything you knew, inspired him to find his own way out.

So I'm super validated actually that even though I love how much priest does leave to our imaginations there might be official word on this that actually supports the interpretation I thought I was crazy for having. Additionally, the post I'm referencing also talks about ljx as a catalyst, which we'd be remiss to forget. The altered events in the first life dont bring ljx to the capital with jby if at all, and without the crushing wakeup call of ljx paired with jby's narrow escape I think zzs could and did keep lying to himself for longer (it's a talent of his). I think jiuxiao stays out of it and jby dies and that actually cements zzs' belief that that's what they signed up for, to die in the service of the empire they built. I think he's equally moderately suicidal, just unable or unwilling to betray hly by leaving.

Remember, in first life jby's execution happens when he's I think either 30 or 32ish. According to my other timeline finagling post zzs is a couple of years older. Think about that- in seventh life jby skips town probably around 22 or 23, and zzs does the same four years later. They spent the better part of another decade at hly's side in the first life. No wonder zzs offers jby his life and jby is like, um, pass. That must have been demoralizing as hell for both of them but at least they had each other, until, well, you know.

After jby's death I do think zzs hits the same burnt out disillusioned stage of the seventh life and I do think he dies about it eventually, but I always figured it was more like working himself to death or taking on more and more wildly dangerous tasks until something finally worked. I don't think it was nails because the whole point of the nails is the brief freedom they afford, and the slightly longer freedom zzs knows the secret to. Seventh life zzs doesn't want to die so much as he wants to actually live a life, death is just the price hes willing to pay. I'm not even sure, again, that first life zzs ever really considered living his own life an option, and by then may have been too damaged to really want to.

Also- I'm veering into personal headcanon here but- are we so sure that the nails even exist in first life? Because remember one of the first key differences between first and seventh life zzs. Seventh life zzs, it is said, invented the nails himself. Seventh life zzs definitively had one thing he didnt in the first life: a business partner who was so extremely knowledgeable about physiology and medicine that he later removes those nails and gives zzs his life back. Do I think wu xi is where zzs got the basic knowledge for the nails? Why not, wu xi is already the lynchpin of so much of the plot. Best boy.

Which does of course leave room for interesting speculation about what a wkx who never meets zzs does in first life, but as much as I am Love WKX I've done what I came here to do, which is think about jby/zzs being best friends in many sad and evil and sweet ways, and appreciate wu xi (best boy), so that's it that's the post.

[evehere]

eve, hi! your 2ha-qws au is so so good! mo ran's regret and his thoughts of the underworld ("Maybe then he’d reach the underworld mostly intact, and he wouldn’t scare Chu Wanning too much when he saw him." my heart) are amazing. cwn's not even there and you can really feel based on mr's thoughts how much he sacrificed for mr. it's heartbreaking. i'm really happy you did a little fic with your idea. if you ever do more, i'll just have to sit and wait excitedly!

Hi, Lu! I’m glad you liked my qws-au! (ﾉ´ヮ`)ﾉ*: ･ﾟI’m testing it out, since I’m writing something larger, but I couldn’t resist to writing it. Like, the busier I am in rl, the more inspiration I get OvO It has come to the point it has a more complete outline and a title (which means, unfortunately for my schedule, that I’m going to write this, albeit slower and in shorter segments).

I have named it “Yearning unwittingly breaks the willow branch” (无令长相思，折断杨柳枝), the phrase the fox demon tells Mo Ran when he hands him the box with Jiangui. Let’s leave it at yearning willow for short 😂

Willow branches in Chinese poetry, particularly broken ones, means “regretful parting”. It basically comes to “to yearn for the wrong person will lead to bitter partings”, which is 2ha and this fic summed up in 10 neat characters XD

I have a second chapter written, which I’ll probably post here this weekend, and it has enough length now (for my own standards) to be posted to ao3, which I’ll do this weekend as well.

I can’t stress enough how thankful I am for the interest you and other readers have taken into this fic! It’s really encouraging to find people that like what you write, so you have my eternal gratitude °˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖°

As thanks, I offer you a ficlet. I hope you like it!

Yearning willow masterpost here 🍃

Mo Ran 2.0 (1)

“Who are you?”

“What do you mean, Wanning?” Mo Ran laughed, though his voice was constricted under the weight of his husband.

If anyone entered Honglian House now, they’d be taken aback by the sight. Or rather, they’d start preparing for the funeral of the marquis’ husband.

Mo Ran was lying on his back on the bed, his arms pinned tightly at his sides by Chu Wanning’s legs. Said man was striding his abdomen, a hand clutching a handful of Mo Ran’s hair, and the other one pressing a sharp dagger in his neck.

But Chu Wanning didn’t care, because this man wasn’t his husband.

“You’re not Mo Ran,” he said in a cold, sharp voice. “Who are you? A Northern spy? Or an Eastern assassin? What have you done with him?”

The man was wearing his husband’s face alright. He pulled tentatively at his hair, but it was rooted firmly in the scalp—the hair was real then. He examined his neck meticulously, but found no marks of a mask, nor trace of make-up.

However, Chu Wanning had read about the magic some Northern tribes practiced, of the many tricks Eastern kingdoms knew of espionage. He didn’t need to know what had been used exactly, because something was terribly amiss.

Instead of an answer, he stared at him with those dark eyes, with an almost purplish quality to them. So similar to Mo Ran’s, and yet, not his.

Mo Ran never looked at him with such tenderness.

He’d have never stood still under Chu Wanning like he was now. The real him would have thrown him down by now—gods knew Mo Ran had that strength—maybe even slapping or punching him, and he’d order Chu Wanning to kneel in the shrine to repent for his disrespect towards his husband. All of those would have been more agreeable behaviour, because it would be ordinary.

“Why do you think I’m not him?”

Chu Wanning sneered.

“You didn’t do your investigation very well,” he said, pressing the dagger more firmly against his neck and extracting a drop of blood. “Mo Ran doesn’t come to Honglian House on his own accord.”

The rest of it was too embarrassing to tell to an outsider, and much more to one that didn’t know the actual state of the relationship between them. He cooks sometimes, Chu Wanning thought, but never makes a portion for me. He would have never called a doctor to attend to me, nor would have him come to my bedside to see me.

If it was in his fancy, he’d have just taken Chu Wanning, doctor’s orders and his own agreement be damned.

Quick as lightning, Chu Wanning pressed down with his thighs when he felt him trying to extract a hand.

“Don’t move!” He snarled.

His legs trembled with the effort, and his knees protested under him, despite being supported by the soft mattress.

“Okay, okay,” the impostor acquiesced, relaxing under him. “See? I’m not moving. Don’t overexert yourself, you’re still recovering, okay?”

There was worry in his voice, Chu Wanning realised, his hand twitching where he was grasping his hair.

“What have you done with Mo Ran?” He asked again after a moment, trying to recover his senses.

If he spent a moment longer with this impostor that had Mo Ran’s face and voice, he’d go mad.

The impostor merely looked at him with a helpless gaze.

“I’m really not some impostor,” he said. Before Chu Wanning could say anything, he continued, “let’s see, what can I tell you to make you believe me?” He was deep in thought for a second. “Ah! You have a blade scar in your chest, just above your heart!”

Chu Wanning pondered on that, but shook his head almost immediately.

“You could have seen that when I was unconscious.”

Unnerving as it was, it seemed the impostor wasn’t in the slightest bit nervous, even though Chu Wanning hadn’t relaxed his hand on the dagger on his neck all this time. He merely looked at the canopy over them, as if he was being asked a question over tea.

“I remember…” he said, his voice much lower than before. “I remember that in our wedding night, we were like this, with Wanning on top of me.”

…

Like a cat bristled with water, Chu Wanning jumped backwards, jolting to the corner of the bed. The dagger fell on the floor resoundingly, and Mo Ran sat on the bed, smoothing out his rumpled clothes, with a boyish smile with dimples. The smile felt apologetic, and somewhat guilty, but Chu Wanning was too flustered to process that.

He…

He had to be Mo Ran. Only Mo Ran knew.

For all he had been a scoundrel since they married, he didn’t talk about the matters of the bedroom. Not to him, not to anyone.

Besides, in the months after their marriage, he had let many people believe he had gone directly to Mu Yanli’s room straight after the banquet, instead of coming to Chu Wanning’s first and then leaving for hers.

The night of his wedding. It was an unpleasant memory, and he pushed it far to the back of his mind.

He smoothed his own clothes as well, but kept himself in the far corner of the bed. For now, he should focus on what he could manage.

“You let me put a knife to your neck,” he said, incredulity swarming his features and his voice.

For much less he had been ordered to kneel in the shrine. However, the present Mo Ran didn’t show any indications of wanting to punish him. The young man picked up the dagger from the floor and put it on the low table in front of them.

The tray with food Mo Ran had brought was on top of the table. The food was still warm, still steaming—Chu Wanning’s attack had taken a short time. Mo Ran picked up the bowl of congee with minced sea bass and green onions and a spoon, and sat back on the edge of the bed, offering a spoonful to him with a bright smile.  

“I know my Wanning would never hurt me.”

***

Honglian (红莲) means “red lotus”. It was the name of Chu Wanning’s pavillion in the novel.

If you liked this consider supporting me with a reblog!

[beautifulterriblequeen]

B2:S - Chapter 5

Much of this series will be about the differences and additions in the novel version, and how they contribute to my understanding of story canon. But there will be character appreciation, the odd theory and headcanon, and suchlike as well.

Here be lots of Viren deets, Best Boy Soren deets, some writing/continuity stuff, worldbuilding appreciation and half of a theory, Detective Rayla, Moon Temple geeking, Claudium and dark magic, and more!

Spoilers for Book Two: Sky below.

(I know for darn sure that I wrote up a post for chapter 4, but I can't find it anywhere so I guess Tumblr ate it and I'll have to redo it at some point, but today is not that day)

Viren, my evil dude, my bad guy, coming in clutch with the worldbuilding and backstory again! If you want to know decades of information, you gotta talk to Viren. Or read his scenes, at least. Here, he seems to not sleep much when he has a big problem to analyze his way through. Solutions trump pretty much everything else in this guy's life, and he's had a really hard week with a lot of new and complicated problems. Of course he's getting sleep-deprived trying to find his way through them all.

Harrow put so much trust in Viren when he made him High Mage! He just threw himself extra hard at that Lady Justice blindfold, didn't he? Didn't really want to see what Viren was doing in his magic study, so he left Viren to his devices. And Viren has a lot of devices.

Also, this is fascinating: Viren made the secret passage to his "less official study" in Katolis Castle! And he was inspired to do so by the way his own mentor kept the Puzzle House. What else could a Puzzle House be, except a place with secret passages? Yay! secret headcanon that "the Puzzle House" is just "Katolis Castle" from Kid Viren's perspective tho

So either Viren built all of those passageways, or at least the ones to his dungeon. Which means he has to have, or know where to get, a stash of those glowing blue Moonshadow crystals. Hmmm.

I can't wait to learn more about Kpp'Ar and young Viren, btw. From this description of Viren and all his literal secret ways, it feels like another parallel between Viren and Runaan, with the whole "secretive paths, members only, insider knowledge" type stuff. Only the really cool members of this cult club get to know the secrets, and guess what, kid, you're cool now but you can never tell anyone, okay? Our secret.

Yeahhh, that'll never backfire in any way for either of them.

Kpp'Ar calling puzzles and secrets "man-made magic," though. Yes sir, knowledge is indeed power.

This chapter mentions Runaan by name, from Viren's perspective. Generally that would imply that Viren knows his name, even though assassins do not share their names, and Runaan didn't seem to give his to Viren in the first book. However, there was a scene in book one where the last paragraph switched perspective from Viren to Runaan - a technique that's very common in visual media like movies and shows and gives you that "ohoho they left the room and didn't notice this, but you do!" vibe. Using Runaan's name there in book one, where Viren couldn't see it but readers could, helps them keep track of the assassin's story arc while maintaining Viren's racism.

So in book two, in which Runaan has no onscreen scenes (alas), using his name in a scene that calls back to the events in book one helps us remember what happened in that dungeon cell. It would be a bit muddier to recall the specifics if Viren kept thinking about Runaan as "Elf." So I'm cool with the perspective nudge because it serves a narrative purpose: clarity. But I'm also enjoying the angst of considering that, somehow, Viren learned Runaan's name either during or after the coining spell. Mwa ha ha haaa. (Obligatory "Keep my pretty name outta your mouth" goes here)

Okay, back to Viren's scheming! He took the mirror because it was human-sized in a dragon lair. He knew it didn't really fit there, and that made it interesting, so he stole it. But he realized it was really powerful when Runaan wouldn't tell him squat about it - the assassin's instinct to protect Xadian secrets from human hands meant that Viren was holding a very powerful Xadian secret. And that just made him want it all the more. Ah, Runaan, if only your relationship with lying was, like, the exact opposite of what it is. Nyx could've spun Viren a believable tale in 2 minutes flat.

Also of interest: Viren considers his cursed coins to be a final fate. He expects Runaan to remain in his coin forever. With the Chekhov's coins still extant in the storyline, we can assume that they'll come up again eventually, but Viren has no current plans to do anything with his elf money except carry it around.

It's worth noting that Viren admits that he got impatient when he trapped Runaan in the coin. Runaan's first fate in Katolis was supposed to be death at Soren's hands, but Claudia "saved" him from that. His next fate was to become spell components, but Viren's frustration with his stubbornness "saved" him from that fate, too. So now he's in a coin, where no one can chop him up at all. Yay? No, boo!

We get one last line about Runaan before Viren shifts gears: he makes a point of noting for us that Runaan's shackles are still locked shut. However much of Runaan made it into that coin - body, soul, hair care products - he was magicked there, pulled right out of his restraints.

The creepy black liquid that Viren pours right into his eyes is the last of a powerful potion he got from Kpp'Ar, and its recipe is ancient! Humans used it back in the age of Elarion to see through the illusions of the world. And we get a delightfully creepy bit of description about the preparation of this serum, which makes it abundantly clear that it's a Moon magic-based concoction, harvested from eyeless vipers on a moonless night, with the threat of irrevocable madness ("madness" by whose definition, though) if it's done wrong-

Hang on. Hold up. This is a Plato's Cave reference. OH MY GOD.

No no I'm fine, this is brilliant. Sorry, sorry, I couldn't figure why there was so much description for a potion prep that Viren didn't even have to perform himself. But now I get it. I see the light. HA. I should make a separate post for this, it's amazing.

Anyway, for reference, the humans who used this serum were called the Oracles of Ophidia, and Ophidia is a taxonomy group that includes all modern snakes. Can you say "creepy ancient snake rites"? I can! Woo!

Viren activates the serum with a spell, but apparently he's never done it before. He's not sure if it's supposed to be hot and bubbly, and he worries that it's been tainted by moonlight.

Oh, I do hope so.

The magic potion hurts, a lot. Viren will do just about anything, to himself or anyone, to do what he believes is necessary. He just risked madness and blindness to find out what this mirror does! Viren. Can you just. Take a nap or something. Have a Snickers.

This chapter gives us a fun clue that I don't remember from the show: when Viren's vision clears and he can see, his reflection has white pupils and the room reflected in the mirror has inverted colors. You know where else has inverted colors?

You know who else got white pupils for a hot second?

Okay, now it makes sense! Viren and Lujanne were both seeing into the realm beyond life and death. Him with his moon magic potion, and her with her moon powers on a full moon night at the Moon Nexus. Which is Very Interesting! Is it a direct hint about Aaravos's location, or just a separate cool detail? Orrr, does it look like a direct hint because Aaravos is actually trapped in the world beyond life and death, but it's actually separate and we'll see something about white pupils again later on?

Viren really does have self-esteem issues, we all picked up on it with his rant at his reflection. He throws a fit when he catches himself wondering if he's actually worthless. In the book version of his tantrum, he shoves the mirror and hurls a candelabra instead of flipping a table. He didn't need to shove the mirror to set the fire, but it's in here. Foreshadowing that perhaps, if push comes to shove, Viren will choose himself over Aaravos? Giving Aaravos time to peek through and see that the coast is clear?

Soren, my boyyyyy. He has a rough night at the Moon Nexus because two sides of him are fighting with each other. He struggles to understand Callum's friendship with Rayla, and he also fantasizes about chopping off Rayla's head. One of these is a pretty ordinary thing to do. The other is Soren's internalization of what he needs to do to gain his father's approval. If he brought his dad a chopped off elf head every week, he'd probably feel a lot more confident because Viren would praise him a lot more.

Okay, okay, omg, is it just me, or does the "Moonshadow Madness" story, as it's told in the book, seem like Soren just doesn't know what a monsterfucker is? He thinks an elf bite puts humans under a spell. But vampires are sexy, and some people want them to do more to them than just bite them. A passionate kiss under the moonlight could look very bitey, especially if one of the participants has horns and you're already culturally trained to hate them. No yeah, I'm already headcanoning an actual human-elf kiss that got misunderstood by an observer long ago.

it's Lujanne isn't it, we all know, because what is a love spell but a sweet soft illusion, I mean how else does she get supplies for her Caldera, I ask you, and also Corvus was totally sent to investigate once and he told Soren at camp what he saw

And then back to magefam angst: Soren pretending that his sister's nose-tapping is stupid, even though he actually thinks it's cool, just because their dad thinks it's stupid. Viren, istg. Let your kids like harmless things. It's so cute that Soren taps his nose back at her, though! Like they have their own sibling code. I hope we get to see the nose tap again, especially now that they've chosen different sides. It could mean so much, that they're not too far apart yet.

Rayla knows what buttery pancakes smell like. I love this. Do Moonshadow elves have butter and pancakes, does Rayla eat a stack of eight giant pancakes in the morning? Orrrr it is just illusion food? I don't care, let Rayla have pancakes! Everyone loves pancakes. Pancakes will save the world. this message brought to you by the fact that I can't eat pancakes rn, send help

I love that Rayla is both sus of the pancakes and hungry, and that combines into a very motivated "I will get to the bottom of this" attitude. She kind of goes into Poirot Mode when she inserts herself into Soren and Ellis's conversation about Ava, explaining about the wolf's illusion leg and segueing into her claim that the pancakes taste sus. Claudia confirms she used dark magic, and Rayla is furious. It's different than the show's version in that it puts Rayla in detective mode, as the only Moonshadow elf in the scene, and boy does she take that role seriously. Also, she doesn't actually swallow the dark magic pancake bite. It ends up on the ground just like Lujanne's grubs from that earlier meal. These poor kids are so nutrient-starved. You guys gotta eat!!

Rayla's determination and prejudices and the fact that she super knows Harrow is dead all dovetail to make her try repeatedly to persuade Callum that Soren and Claudia are Not To Be Trusted. It's nice that the book keeps taking the time to point out that Rayla is Well Intentioned But Flawed, just like Callum and pretty much every other character in the show. No one is Right All The Time, no one Knows More Than Everyone Else.

Callum loving the sound of Claudia's unique voice is so wholesome. When you like someone, it only makes sense that you like all the things about them that they can't change - like the sound of Claudia's voice. Her choices with dark magic, not so much!

Claudia seems to have the same concerns Soren does about Callum's relationship with Rayla, but she comes out and asks him. The inherent possession implied in "your elf" is interesting, though. Elves are not people to Claudia. They're enemies who can be disassembled for the magic inside them. So maybe more like robots than living beings, if she knew what a robot was. Maybe she heard Soren's "Moonshadow Madness" story and realized he totally missed the kissing implications - but she didn't, and now she's genuinely worried that Rayla could kiss Callum under a full moon and enchant him to do her will. Good thing it's only a half moon, then!

Okay, Callum nervously making a puppet hand and then not knowing what to do with his hands and freaking out about itching and moving and pointy elbows is such a ND mood. The sudden stress of knowing that someone else is noticing your existence and maybe you're Not Existing Right, amirite? Ugh, poor Callum.

The Moon Temple! Omg it's so pretty in the description! Made to be beautiful and useful, full of knowledge but also allowing light and life inside (butterflies and vines). Lujanne, when can I move in, please? Also, it's all the more angsty because Lujanne is the only one who gets to see this beautiful place, but it has lots of chairs and shelves and tables, and it was meant to be used by lots of people. :(((

Claudia knows some of the runes on the walls. She isn't in a hurry to copy the rest of them down or anything, either. Her spellwriting is very precise, and she's a skilled mage. Her father would have made sure she was aware of the dangers of drawing sloppy runes, as much as he made her aware of the dangers of doing dark magic wrong. And the whole point of dark magic is that it's easier to learn than primal magic. Claudia supports her dad and their shared knowledge and life path. She's not gonna go nuts over an elf library she can't translate.

Side note: Between Claudia knowing some Moon runes and Viren building a secret passageway and a dungeon and lighting it with the same blue crystals that Lujanne and Ethari use for light--and Claudia exclaiming that she loves ruins--I wonder once more if there are really Moonshadow ruins somewhere in Katolis, which Viren has found and looted. Father-daughter relic hunting trip, maybe while Soren is away at camp? Omgsh that would be so wild!

Callum out here having a Viren moment with his "I feel powerless unless I've got magic that lets me help" vibes. God. I love their complicated mirroring. One of the hard differences between them is that Callum is very sure dark magic is bad because you have to kill stuff and take its power to cast spells, and he doesn't want to be a person who kills and takes like that. The line he walks to be nice to Claudia on their tour of the Cursed Caldera because he likes her, while telling her that he doesn't want to do her magic, like, ever, is so fine that it might as well be a shifting shadow on the ground. It's a very fitting conversation to be having during the half moon, with its tricks and little white lies.

Callum being out of the castle and his comfort zone, having to deal with the fact that the Claudia he loves is not quite the Claudia who's chasing him down across the kingdom, but of the two of them, he's the only one with a problem with this.

They say that if you really want to get to know someone, you should spend time with them outside their comfort zone - in heavy traffic, with a small baby, taking care of a new pet, trying a new skill, following unfamiliar directions, etc. While the castle is familiar territory for them both, Callum's never really found his comfort zone yet, while Claudia is pretty comfortable with her growing skill set. The creepy part starts to kick in when Callum begins to realize that Claudia's comfort zone encompasses a whole bunch of stuff that seems like it should make her uncomfortable... but it doesn't. But that'll be for a future chapter!

[thundermaximoff]

Deity | Loki x reader

Pairing: Loki x reader

Style: One-Shot

Word count: 3048

Warning: fluff

Summary: Y/N new between Avengers. But she's not so confident with her powers and their controlling. And now she needs to attend Tony's annual Gala.

Will anyone be able to help her with her confidence?

A/N: Holy molly...I did it! First of all, I'm not good in writing One-Shots. It always ends as multichapter. Second thing is that this is my first fiction in English after 6years. So I know it's actually crappy. But I needed to write something different, since I'm stuck with my other stories. And I want to thank @devilbat @that-writer-who-never-posts and @ladybugsfanfics for their amazing stories that inspired me to write this one.

Hope you'll like it.

"So...The Gala." Said Wanda, trying to sound like she wasn't interested at all.

"What with that?" Sam got caught by her little bait and shifted a bit on the sofa in the living quarters, so now he was half lying.

It was again that part of the year,when none other than Tony Stark forced everyone, to dress up and kiss some wealthy asses, to get money for the upcoming year. 

Or at least, that's what Natasha told Y/N when she asked why is there such a fuss around it. It was clear to her that no one actually wanted to go. Except Steve and Thor. Thor loved every party with alcohol. And Steve was just like labrador. He loved people and couldn't help himself.

Y/N put down the book she was barely reading, because of so many voices interrupting her peace. She was sitting on the floor with back resting against the sofa. 

"Alright guys, it's not going to be that bad." 

Y/N turned her head after the voice, raising eyebrows on Clint. 

"I don't have dress." Mumbled Wanda to herself, because no one didn't paid attention to her anymore. 

As they were loudly arguing one over the other Y/N sighed to herself. It wasn't about that nobody noticed her presence in the room so far, but because being around big crowd of people just wasn't her thing.

Even just thinking about, what can go wrong there, made her nauseous. Y/N looked at her hands and bit her lower lip to gain back at least a drop of her control.

"I can't go there." Y/N muttered, hoping that no one could actually hear her.

"Sorry for ruining, whatever your plans are Draga, but everyone needs to attend." Said lazily voice behind her back. As Y/N turned her head, clearly startled by whoever noticed her, she met with half asleep Bucky. "That's the rule."

He didn't even look at her. Just comfortably folded his arms on his chest. But thanks to this old soldier,  everyone was now looking at her.

"Is there any possible way to get out of it?" Y/N looked desperately around, searching for anyone to save her.

"What's the problem?" That spider-boy, who she couldn't even remember the name,sat beside her.

"Peter…" 

Natasha walked into the room. And Y/N was glad she did, because thanks to it, she was able to address this poor boy by his name again.

"What?" He asked Natasha with puppy-like face.

"You're not going." She said firmly with serious, or rather more murderous look.

"WHY  I CAN'T  GO?" Peter immediately threw a tantrum. Huffing like a little boy he was.

"Tony banned you. You know, what happened last time." When Natasha said that, that boy's face turned its colour to crimson red.

Y/N could only presume, what happened, since she wasn't part of the squad back then. And that was the thing Y/N feared the most. Her powers were unstable, when she got nervous. And she got nervous easily. The last thing she wanted was to make a scene or turn the room upside down. 

Which could happen even now. She loved all the Avengers. They were her only family. But they were too much to handle, when they were all in one room. Sometimes Thor was enough to get on her power control.

"Are you worried about your powers?" Asked Clint as if he was able to read her mind.

"Nothing's gonna happen." Pietro swifted behind Wanda, leaning to kiss her forehead as she was sitting in the armchair comfortably. 

Y/N was envious of their relationship, even though they were just siblings. She didn't want to admit it out loud, but she was jealous. 

"How do you know that?" Y/N asked, her lower lip now shivering slightly.

"Because we all will be there to get embarrassed instead." Said Bucky, finally giving up on sleeping. He sat up and smiled with still sleepy eyes at Y/N.

Y/N felt a bit reassured by his words. But still felt uneasy about the upcoming event, she couldn't run from.

"But can you imagine, Y/N tripping while walking down the stairs, starting to panic in the middle of the fall, only to teleport onto someone's lap?" Sam wasn't even able to say that without laughing like a mad man, rolling from the sofa, falling on the ground.

Y/N cheeks started to heat up as she imagined it vividly. 

"Or that Y/N get so scared that she turns to liquid in front of the prime minister." Ads Wanda and high-fives with Sam.

Few other laughs, but it doesn't seem so funny to others. And especially to Y/N. 

In the middle of those two laughing and Y/N feeling embarrassed like never before, Bucky stood up and looked at everyone. 

"Not so funny to me." He silenced them both by that single sentence. "And now, if you excuse me. I need to prepare my formal arm."

Everyone burst out laughing. Every one except Y/N. As she more and more succumb into her own fear, she's not able to stay in the room. Without any other word Y/N vanished, scaring the hell out of Peter.

Y/N was pacing in her room. Opposing emotions fighting inside her. She once again glanced at dress sprawled on her bed.

I heard what happened. And I know you feel insecure about your powers. I'm not going to persuade you to come, but if you decide to come, I'll be glad.

Y/N sighed and buried face in her hands. Everyone tried to calm her anxiety. Bruce tried to find way to calm her. But all the science was useless. Sam and Wanda even apologised for their childish behaviour. But none of that helped to decide.

It was that note, stucked to those beautiful dress in front of her, which made her think about going.

There was no name on the note. Y/N had no idea who sent those, but they were exquisite. Part of her didn't want them to come in vain. Even if that meant, she'll get embarrassed in them.

Hour and half later, and already being late, Y/N stopped in front of the elevator doors. She didn't feel like herself. It was easier for her to run in shirt and pants around the compounds than in dresses. Her uniform was better than this. Mostly, because she already got used to it. Partly.

Another sigh escaped Y/N lips as she absentmindedly looked at doors.

I can't do it

Yes I can

No I can't 

I can

Y/N's hands shaking as she finally pressed the button on the side of the elevator. She wanted to do this for herself. To stop being such a coward. Like when Avengers found her. When they saved her.

She was scared a lot more back then. For a few weeks she was able to talk just to Steve and Tony. Y/N forced herself into it. Just like she was forcing herself now.

Part of her wanted to find out, who is the person, which sent her the dress. But she already had idea who it might've been. That note was diligently and beautifully written. That left just a few options to choose between. 

Y/N got out of the elevator and walked down the hall. Each step accompanied with loud thud of her heart. She at least tried to find a piece of confidence in it.

Cabaret music was faintly playing as a background to loud voices of the people in the room. It was the largest one in whole compounds and yet it was overflowing with people.

Y/N halted in front of the railing and looked around, feeling a bit nauseous. She spotted a few of her friends laughing loudly. Some were in the middle of passionate discussions. And Thor was occupying the bar, as always.

Close to him was standing person Y/N saw only occasionally around. Mostly on missions or in the library. It was none other than Thor's brother, Loki. 

His raven hair tidily combed to the back, curling behind his ears and around his neck like snakes. His Asgardian clothes were a little bit off today, but he looked good despite that. He was standing out. It wasn't even his classic one. The black, green with hints of gold. This one was mostly blue with yellow and black. It perfectly underlined his icy blue eyes.

As if he knew, someone was looking at him, Loki raised his gaze, meeting with Y/N's eyes. He couldn't believe his eyes. On the top of the stairs stood completely different person than he knew. She was always like gray mouse. But in the blue sleeveless dress with, yet to discover, bare back and veil, she looked like a goddess. Like she wasn't earthling at all.

He couldn't take his eyes off her. Nor he was able to speak.

Y/N immediately looked away and slowly walked down the stairs. Holding onto the railing the whole time, as she clearly remembered what Sam said before.

"Oh my God Y/N. You look stunning. Where did you got those dress?" Wanda squeezed both her hands, thoroughly examining the gown.

"Someone sent them to me." Y/N answered shyly as she tucked loosen strand of her hair behind her ear. 

"Gave you that needed confidence to come, huh?" Appeared Pietro out of nowhere.

But that didn't scared Y/N at all. She was a master of appearing from nowhere.

"Or...she want to know, who sent her these." Wanda smiled at her devilishly, which made Y/N blush through thin layer of makeup she had on.

"Let her be, you sharks." 

Y/N heard Thor's loud voice as well as Maximoff twins. Her face immediately lightened up as she turned at the God of thunder. 

"Thor! I'm so glad to see you." Y/N shortened the space between them and hugged him, which the God returned gracefully. 

"I'm glad to see you as well lady Y/N. " Thor bowed when he let her go.

He clearly had something greater than earthling's beer. But there was something else that made Y/N stop in her tracks.

"Can...can I ask you something?" Y/N bit inside of her cheek to calm herself and actually wait till God's answer, to ask. 

"What can I help you with?" Large smile was plastered on his face, even though his eyes were a little hazy from the alcohol. 

"Did you, by any chance, sent me these?" Y/N asked as she pointed on her dress, too eager to know the answer.

Thor furrowed his eyebrows,  as if he was thinking hard.

"I'm not aware of that." 

Y/N's face dropped a bit. She thanked him and took a stroll around the room. Trying to talk to people. 

It was harder than she thought. But of course she tried, holding her head high and smiling ever so slightly,  so that nobody would tell she felt insecure. 

"Ahh, Y/N. Come here. I would like to introduce you to someone." Tony spotted her in the crowd, even though she thought it was impossible. 

He had one of his expensive suits with crimson handkerchief in flap pocket. With load of jovial manners he held his whiskey glass in one hand, motioned at Y/N to come closer with the other.

Y/N nodded slightly, wanting to please the organizer. Till now she thought  that everything went well. 

And as Y/N walked towards Tony and his company, someone bumped into her rather roughly. 

And that was the moment, everything started to fall apart.

Y/N's heart skipped a beat as she stumbled, trying to find anything to catch herself onto. Only to overthrow waitresses tray as her arm turned into liquid. She accidentally ignited alcohol beneath her feet, falling to the ground. Y/N closed her eyes firmly. Feeling the heat of embarrassment running up her cheeks.

But when she opens them again, she's nowhere near the spot she was just a few seconds ago.

Instead she was face to face with wide chest covered in blue leather. Y/N knew exactly who's chest it was. But at the same time she was scared even to look up. 

"Trying to lit up the party?" Loki chuckled as he looked down at Y/N. 

Once again he saw the same person in her. And he thought  it was somehow cute. 

Y/N started trembling, embarrassment taking over once again. 

"That...really was not my intention." Even her voice was trembling.

She made one step back, to get away from that intoxicating scent of his, only to be pulled back by his hand. Her eyes widened.

Loki's hand was cold, casually resting on Y/N's bare back.

"Careful. If you don't want to repeat the whole scene." The God of mischief whispered with his deep voice into her ear, sending shivers down her spine.

Breath hitched in her throat, pushing Loki away. Y/N shot him a deadly glare.

"Now, if you excuse me, I really need some air." Y/N said almost growling at him, before she disappeared once again, as she didn't wanted nothing more than to run away.

As Y/N teleported on the balcony, the furthest point she could go beside missions, bit cold air fan over her figure. Warming herself by softly stroking her arms, she walked towards railing.

She looked at the buzzing city in front of her.

All those lights and sounds made Y/N feel lonely. She wanted to be like others. Not minding what everyone thought about her.

"Can I join you?" Loki's voice cut through the seemingly pleasant atmosphere. 

Y/N turned to him, annoyance glistening in her eyes.

"What do you think?" She spat at him.

But that remark just made Loki chuckle as he walked over to her.

"What do you want?" Y/N said, clearly not happy that Loki wasn't understanding her even a bit. Or maybe he did it on purpose, to ruin this evening even more.

"It's such a beautiful night, isn't it?" Loki leaned his body to the railing, observing Y/N's every move. Even the tiniest one.

He was fascinated by her brusque tongue and how she could change her behaviour in seconds.

"What do you want, Loki?" Y/N asked again, folding her arms on chest, feeling pissed with each second. 

She just wanted to be alone. But now she was forced to stand in front of the person, who made her heart beat like crazy.

Y/N knew very well, it was a bad idea to like the God of mischief, but she couldn't help herself. She fell for his every inch the moment she first saw him. Even though he didn't spare her glance back then. There was something that pulled her to him. Like a magnet. Or maybe more like a drug.

Shivers ran through her whole body, overshadowing the feeling of coldness.  Which Loki immediately noticed, taking off his cloak, putting it around her shoulders.

"I just wanted to admire dress I sent you." Loki's eyes sparkled softly, turning Y/N speechless. 

She didn't dare to dream that it could've been him, sending her those. And actually, she forgot about that little mission of hers, after she got so badly embarrassed. 

Y/N wanted to ask him so many questions in that moment, wanting to turn down his smug smile. But first of all, she poked Loki's chest, to be sure he's real and not just her imagination. Even though that cloak seemed pretty much real to her, warming her body.

When the tip of her finger actually touched the leather surface, she looked at him shocked. As if she just realized everything was true. 

Loki was calmly standing there, looking at her with clear interest. Y/N was different from others, in his eyes. 

"I suppose you like them." Loki chuckled, catching Y/N's hand, before she could take it back.

"W...why?" Y/N whispered, looking down at her hand in his.

It didn't make sense.

Nothing did anymore.

"You needed confidence and I wanted to see you in dress. It's a win win." 

Y/N narrowed her eyebrows in disbelief.  It seemed as one crappy reason to her.

"Look. I know that you still feel more useless than the benefit. "He squeezed her hand, sending yet another wave of shivers through her body. 

"But I saw, what you can do. On the missions, you're practically different person. So radiantly confident." Loki took a step forward, slowly closing the distance between them.

Y/N wanted to run away yet again. But this time from completely different reason. This was something that she didn't count between her options.

She was just looking at that Mischievous God, thinking that it must be one of his pranks.

"Do you want to know, what I saw when you were standing on the top of the stairs?" Loki made another step forward, causing their bodies to touch on all those right places.

Y/N's breath hitched in her throat, all her thoughts and rational reasons vanishing. Like if she was drunk or drugged. 

And she really was. Intoxicated by his scent, voice, heat of his body and even those damn eyes. But Y/N nodded almost desperately, eager to hear his voice again.

"Confident dazzling Goddess." 

Moans were bubbling in Y/N's throat, as Loki hit all those right strings, making her weak in the knees. But Loki leaned even closer and whispered to her ear.

"I saw Deity." 

Embarrassment and fear was no longer in Y/N's body system. As if Loki casted a spell over her. She turned her head a little, just to be able to look at him.

"You liked that?" Y/N asked, biting her lower lip.

"Damn, I love it." He licked his lips before attacking hers.

--

"What do you think?" Thor asked happily, pointing at the balcony.

"That we have two problems now." Sighed Steve, massaging bridge of his nose.

"It was your idea" Gasped Bucky and Peter in disbelief. 

"Peter?" Everyone turned to the youngest.

"What?"