#we've been super careful about our insecticide lately

[beaversatemygrandma]

‘Kay, it’s story time. tw bugs

So. I’m starting to think that my bathroom has some sort of small hole somewhere that leads under the trailer. (It’s a fifty year old trailer, you know it’s not 100%) First the big spider lurking on the ceiling for a whole twelve hours who appeared out of nowhere in less than ten minutes. And now this. In like two days. We spray the fuck out of this place for bugs. That room is the only room with bugs. Ever. After the ant apocalypse in the kitchen, we swore to never allow another bug inside.

I was going to the bathroom and as i reached for the toilet paper roll, a huge damn roach comes crawling over the top. I flinch back, scared Shitless, go bouncing across the bathroom trying to pull my pants up while my sister is on the other side of the wall like “OMG WHAT HAPPENED!!!” I open the door. She’s right there. I tell her i got jumpscared by a roach while trying to get tp and she’s just “o my god :O” I then went back into the bug battle field to exact revenge. This bitch crawled INSIDE the Roll. I had no clue how to squish/flush/catch this thing. I spent like two minutes talking to her about it and just Laughing about the possibility of this happening. She told me “Poke it with a fork. Just stab him.” To which i say “uhh no.” I ended up grabbing the roll and quickly pulling it up just so the roach would get squished up against the holder. I pull the tp off the holder and hold it over the sink trying to retrieve the rod, which is now covered in roach blood. You know how roach’s blood has a different color depending on their age and sex? This was green, looked like somebody sick blew their nose into the tp roll.

I look to my sister and ask, “What do i do with the murder evidence?” To which she replies “Burn it.” Knowing its the eve of the Fourth of July i could very much go out in the road and set something on fire without getting arrested, it was still a bad idea. Our grandma could walk up from across the street and ask what was going on and my only response would be “Burning the body.” or “Sacrificing the roach blood to our gods.” Both of which would give her good christian heart a heart attack even tho its a just roll of tp with a squished bug.

I cleaned up the mess and flushed the roach. Then immediately turned to my sister, holding the toilet paper roll towards her bc i’m the chaotic eldest child and it’s my job to do so. She goes RUNNING SCREAMING across the house. I follow her, telling her to take it. Go throw it away. Get rid of the bloody evidence. I stop at the end of the hall and I just break down laughing and say I’ll replace the roll. She didn’t take it from me and acted as if i had just chased her down with a bug in my hand ready to put it on her. I then place the roll directly at the center of the kitchen table (We don’t eat on it btw this isn’t THAT gross there’s something under it) leaving the murder evidence for my dad to wonder about in the morning.

I can’t even piss in peace. I swear. I almost fell into the bathtub during this. Out of all places to chill, why’d he have to choose The Back Of The Fucking Toilet Paper Roll.  Pro Tip: Don’t live in a 50 yo trailer if you’re scared of bugs. Like my sister. Who runs away from a dead ant.