#we need to go outside and take a walk
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Do y’all ever get tired of all the online/tumblr discourse? Full disclosure I am 29 and I’ve been here since I was like 12 (wowee!). This website shaped a lot of my feminist and queer ideology and I used to have an endless ability to scroll, process, engage with media and discourse, etc. now I see one or two ~controversial~ posts and I have to log off. Is this a consequence of age? I don’t want to be old and jaded but I am I fear.
#plus someone just left a comment on one of my fics#where I’m writing about a white character from a book that is currently being portrayed by a black actress on TV#which is awesome#but the comment was that no one is allowed to write her as white and that she’s black now and we all have to move on and stop be racist#and I feel like none of this is normal#none of this is healthy#all of this echo chamber discourse can’t be good for us#we need to go outside and take a walk#idk please don’t come for me I will always side with what’s right I’m just old and tired#ramblings#sorry
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i was gonna say "i shouldn't have to go to work when my brain feels like a depression slushie" and then i was like "wait but then i'd basically never ever go to work" and i'm actually doubling down on the first part now bc my god how am i supposed to heal my brain from burning out 5 years ago if i can never get an actual break
#//juri speaks#i also at this moment: do not know if i have health insurance anymore / if i will be able to get insurance#if i can't get insurance i will not be able to take classes this fall#if i can't take classes my loan repayments will kick in immediately#i already don't have enough money for anything and i certainly don't have a spare $150 a month for the government#at any rate i need to submit my tuition waiver Soon but i can't until i know if i can get into the second class#so i have to wait for the prof or my advisor to get back to me#all the while a funeral day draws nearer#and then AT work i still feel like my position doesn't need to exist#but i desperately need it to exist because i need the money#and this big mchuge data migration project we were SUPPOSED to have had done in JUNE is being pushed to the absolute last minute#not by us but by the folks in control of the software we're moving to#so we're not going to have any safety margins with the old software#it's going to be GONE and dead and unlicensed while we're trying to learn the new shit#and i'm going to have to deal with the other branch cataloger trying to do everything for us which Won't Help#and i need!!!!!! a break!!!!!!!!!! from everything!!!!!#i need the world to stop and i need to go sit in the desert for like 6 months#instead best i can do is go buy the new taz gn for a little crumb of escape. maybe a little coffee drink while i'm there#even though i've been hitting sugar hard lately and really do not have the funds to buy more clothes if i gain a few more lbs#and can't afford a walking pad/treadmill and don't want to go outside bc it is a billion degrees all day every day rn#uuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
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I cannot survive this day lol
#it’s only noon and I need to go to bed immediately and start over#our one triumph today: at the dentist he had his first truly epic blowout - we’re talking poop all up his back inside his onesie#no changing table in the bathroom#and my mom had taken the car so no access to the more elaborate changing setup in the car#so I had to change him on the floor using the three remaining wipes in the pack#while he screamed like he was being tortured and kicked poop everywhere#but we did it we made it and then he chugged a bottle of milk like a soldier who’d just survived his first skirmish with the enemy#I have to take ruthie to the vet in a couple hours but she’s started acting fine today so I’m afraid I’ll be wasting a huge amount of money#meanwhile Pip has started vomiting everywhere#but I think he’s just stressed about baby/sudden change#naturally though I had to have a huge crying jag in the bathroom about the fact of his mortality#anyway friends I’m hanging in there#I need to just simplify simplify simplify#I will lie down for a bit now#then I will try to walk the dogs so it’s out of the way#need to leave by 2:30 to get Ruthie in#and I can listen to a hockey podcast and feel more human on the way#then once that’s done I can just do nothing tonight if I need to#my mom is leaving around 4 for the evening but#I’ve mixed the formula and cleaned all the bottles so I think I can just like#hopefully lie around with the baby#the other thing I need to do is write my mom a thank you letter before she leaves#I just haven’t had the energy but maybe I can ask her to take the baby for an hour tomorrow#and sit outside somewhere and work on it#postpartum tag#today has just been a higher difficulty level lol but I’ll have other kinds of days too#all will be well
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Episode 8 I am so scared....
#mel magical girl transformation.... her mother's weapon... christ... mel will save them all vi step aside!!#this is so funny... mel with her bodysuit and golden bodypaint walking thru the valley with her new pet crow.... slay#SINGED WILL CONTROL VIKTOR???? AND VANDER??? AMBESSA ENOUGH! VIKTORS VOICE OMG!!#LORIS REMINDING VI OF VANDER NOOOOO I KNEW THIS WAS COMING!!! CAILTYN TAKING MADDIES HAND AWAY FROM HER AKDJSK#arrested jinx???? OH MY GOOOD JINX!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HER PUPILS ARE SO WIDE SHES SO OUT OF IT#YES CAITLYN END THE CYCLE!!!!! they repaired the council table with golden stuff.... YES JAYCE FINALLY REALIZED!!!! OOF NOT THE BEST MOMENT!#UPSIDE DOWN KISS COME ON!!! Viktor realizing too that it has been all jayces fault.... this is so sad.... what a breakup#silco talking to jinx about breaking the cycle... he became a hallucination too.... not so bad like the others thats inch resting#THE HUG NOOOOOOO YOU DESERVE TO BE WITH HER????? SHES GONNA DIEEEEEEE NOOOOOOO VI AGAIN IN PRISON UNABLE TO SAVE HER SISTER!!!!!#theres no good version of me after we just fucking saw it im gonna be sick.... SEVIKA AND THE FIRELIGHT GUY IN THE COUNCIL ROOM??#what tf are you wearing jayce.... an outsider force putting an end to a civil war who woulda thot.... OMG THE PARALEL TO THEIR FIRST MEETING#WHAT THE HELL!!! NOT IN THE PRISON CELL!!!! AFTER VI JUST TOLD HER THAT??? AKDJAKSJ CAITLYN HOLD YOURSELF!!! my god i need a pause#vi does look so good from the back.... but my god why are they doing this now akdjsksjk maddie is upstairs akdhaksn WHYYYYYYY NOW????#no WAYYYYY WE GOT HER BACK TATTOO REVEAL NOW!!!!!! WHAT THE HEEEEEEEELLL OH MY GOOOOOD VIIIII GOING DOWN AND LOOKING UP THANK YOU GOD!!!!AAA#cait laughing... girl i would too... that was all so detailed too like damn... vi was amazed by the Kirammountains....#so thats it... can i be honest.... a little too unemotional.... like their kiss was something else entirely....#but this is vi just going DAMN!!! RIGHT NOW!!! and pouncing... which i understand but their bed scene... come on.. i needed to cry with this#so no talk about reconciliation..... *throws phone on the floor and jumps in skateboard and breaks it in half*#vander dying with viktors humanity..... and sky.... viktor getting his mask.... my god.... and vander losing his memories.... should we all#talking tag#watching arcane season 2#watching arcane#you know i understand caitlyn admited she was manipulated and what vi said about second chances but.... apologies please.....#oh now i get it she sent the guards to the gates so jinx could escape..... alright alright... i thought she did that only so they could fuck#well vi did follow her sisters advice and got with her i guess akdhaksjak which okay is nice bc she said she didn't need to feel guilty#about being happy.... alright i understand now *viktors voice*#alright i was slow my bad... vi pounced on her bc she is just so grateful that she let jinx go and cailtyn did let go of her anger.... aight
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The chronic pain has been so fucking bad lately
#And usually colder weather is easier on me idfk#Had a full blown panic attack that my beloved saw...#Not the funnest of times.#But yeah its getting so bad I don't know how much longer I can just. Work. In general#I wish I could take a walk and bring my cat along because she loves being in a harness and going outside#I wish I could swim in the summer#I wish I could go a day without pain shooting through half of my body and I have to brush it off & any thoughts of it being a heart attack#I'm so fucking tired these days#I need to do so many things still. I have comms from months ago I still need to do. I feel like I can't hardly work on art#Without having a full blown meltdown because I've lost so much skill over the years#I've watched my life slowly deteriorate in regards to my health and every result from doctors come back as average or exceptional#Idfk what to do any more#I turned in disability papers in MAY and its still months away from being fully processed l#And is likely to get a no from the first time l#How do I survive another year like this. This past one nearly killed me#I desperately need help and I have no idea where to find it#My poor girlfriend has been getting a short straw for a while regarding how we split payments and god I wish I could#Do so much more. She deserves comfort and so do I.
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UM max fewtrell just confirmed on stream that LN is currently abroad and doesn't have connection/hasn't had connection the last few days. Seems like it was his social media team posting the last little bit
Oh? Very um.... very interesting... if you'll excuse me...🚪🚶♀️
#we are all gullible to a competent social media team#anyway i'm gonna go take a walk outside while i transport boxes to the dumpster because i need to touch some grass on the way back 🫠#Martin and Louis really posted one singular video each to be like ''look where i am'' and then got offline as if that's not been the m.o.#for the last six months#ask#lando#and at the very heart of it all#norrix
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mantis religiosa
#wife found a mantis outside the endocrinologist powerful trans omen#took some photos... trying to work out how to do composite images but mostly i need better lighting#maybe a setup so i can properly photograph specimens regularly#anyway this one was killed by a wasp we think. it's under observation until we can confirm it's dead because bugs are not normal about dyin#(if it can walk in the next 48 hours we'll let it go or else we'll preserve it properly)#clavain takes photos#clavain art
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any time someone posts something like “freaks are my best friends and I love them” and some random, Twitter-brained blog’s IMMEDIATE response is like “oh??? So you mean people who SHIP INCEST??? AND PEDOS?? T H O S E ARE THE FREAKS YOU SUPPORT?” I deserve to take a shit on their lawn actually
#rambling#you know damn well what we mean#you’re not pulling a got cha you literally just need to go outside for a walk LMAO#purity culture has ruined any modern queer revolution for so many young gay kids lmfao#this isn’t about pro ship or whatever tf y’all are on this is about real life and real laws being made to fucking kill hs#stop taking the bait and comparing two completely isolated topics to pull a got cha on a stranger lmfao
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somehow these current roommates we have are the worst that ive known yet and last semester we literally had a girl who smoked cigs IN her bedroom. list of grievances below lol
#first of all they turn all the lights on all the time. the other day i was hanging out in the living room w one light on bc it was light#enough outside thru the windows and one of them walked in and flipped another light on automatically. then walked through#the living room right to her bedroom... girl youre not even using this room and i was clearly fine with the light level??#they always have all 3 kitchen lights on when they cook and dont turn them off plus none of them have lamps#they all use the Big LED Ceiling Light in their bedrooms which is baffling to us#they dont know how to organize the kitchen and they took up so many of the cabinets with bullshit. like 3 pans here a few plates there#we have like 4 cabinets worth of food and even more of pots and pans and shit bc this is everything we own#and we cant afford to use disposable everything like some of them do#theyre always leaving the fridge open while they cook too and i have to physically hold myself back from becoming my mom#and yelling at them to close the fridge when theyre not actively getting smth out of it!! like theyll stand there cooking and have it open#for 2 minutes straight#theres only room for one water filter pitcher in the fridge and one of them brought a big one which is nice but theyre always forgetting to#refill it which defeats the purpose of even having it#and they always somehow start cooking right when we decide we need to eat#one of them sent this long sort of condescending post abt ants and how it stresses him out when the kitchen is messy so we all need to clean#more and try harder to keep ants away as if 1) ants care at all abt dishes in the sink or stains on the stove and 2) as if the ants will#stop coming around if theres no food out in this building where there are notoriously always ants even on the 4th floor#(we are ground floor this time) and 3) as if he isn't one of the people leaving food around and not taking the trash out#nobody responded to it in the groupchat lmao bc he sounds like a fucking cop!! and is dating an rotc guy??? and also is a streamer or just#likes to play games on vc with friends bc hes always very loudly doing that#but obviously we have sex all the time so we're at a sort of loud noise stalemate where neither of us can complain abt the other#to be clear this is in no way the absolute worst situation theyre nice enough people and havent reported us for anything (they both work for#student housing -_-) and generally things go okay in the apartment#but like. ive never been this annoyed this often with any other roommates#ALSO someone spilled soy sauce all over our designated level of the fridge door where we had all our little bottles of stuff#but also a carton a Paper Carton of milk and a pack of butter standing upright which soaked up the soy sauce and for several days#even after id cleaned the bottom of the carton the best i could i swore it tasted like soy sauce from it soaking into the bottom or smth#but it's still all over everything in there bc it was so much it like. pooled in there and splattered on everything#like. u see that happen u clean it up wtf.??#anyway i just felt like i needed to complain and see if im being silly or if these things really are so annoying
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Any episode of Person Of Interest can make you cry if you think hard enough about it
#john reese#harold finch#person of interest#thinking about how 'John Warren' has the cover story closest to Reese's actual one#when did Joh trust Harold enough to tell him the truth? or when did Harold know there was enough trust he could tell Reese what he knew#or how in Prisoner's Dilemma John threatens Harold with a gun because he's so scared to hurt him#or how John leaves in Shadow Box not even spending the time to dry Bear and then not coming home for a while#just think for a moment about how excited Bear got at hearing John's voice over the earbud- and then when John finally returned!!#John talking to Shaw outside Cole's parents' house & 'they didn't need to take their memory of him. Even the CIA wouldn't stoop that low'#''in our line of work we walk in the dark. doesn't mean we have to walk in it alone''#Fusco watching out for Carter by looking into Beecher both with and without her asking#(not that he was right but that he did it)#in case we couldn't tell I'm obsessed with John Reese#and the way HAROLD AND CARTER were immediately breaking rules to get Reese out a jail when he was willing to go down for it all#if you can't tell I'm kinda on a POI kick tonight- but I'm also scheduling/queueing some stuff for later#don't think about how shaw was going to become a doctor but then got kicked out because she couldn't empathize well enough#and then became a killer instead!#or how we learn root (in an episode that was expected to center around finch) had a tragic backstory but leaves it behind b/c John solves i#or how Lionel only ever wanted his son safe and Shaw realized that but then couldn't save him as we all expected in the crossing#and another one#The season 4 episode where we see that John believed he was closer to Carter than he actually was! (Terra Incognita 4.20)
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i just napped for like 4 hrs. uh. hello.
#logbook#did my half day ate lunch and then was like. i'll go rest at rents while they're out and about.#ended up napping. knew it was happening once i couldnt keep my eyes open but i swear i set an alarm. now its after 7.#i bet exes arent home. havent heard anything. and if i go home i'll have to watch the dog til they come back.#'just leave him crated' he'll whine and cry bc ofc he knows i'll be home. and i dont have space for him in the room rn.#but he also deserves to be out and spend time. and i love spending time with him.#idk that whole mentality of 'not your animal' pisses me off bc when you live with someone elses pet they sort of DO become your pet.#like sorry but you share the space. i dont pay vet bills or buy food but i do actually feed fhem. and walk him#sometimes. and i spend time with all 4. i take leia outside to smell the air. and i nap with them#the cats and the dog snuggle me and greet me at the door. i think they know i'm leaving bc theyve been sooo affectionate.#and also half of these problems wouldnt exist with them if it wasnt negative towards me or i still slept in the bed lol#im going to miss them so much it hurts. . .and i know its going to affect them bc it did with the puppies and it has with emira.#didnt mean for this to become a sad log yet here we are. sigh.#so much for my half day. i was going to game and plan out house stuff but. oh well.#my body probably needs the rest anyways.
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xxx
#not to visit this tired topic again but even as a kid I just never understood the need to take pictures of celebrities doing shit#like with the recent Assad photos I just saw people freaking out about them and I’m like…y’all he’s just walking???💀💀#same with the Assad and Sam photos#and the photos of Jacob and his wife and kid#they’re just sitting at a table and talking??#they’re just out for a walk??#I can go outside and see 60 other people doing the exact same thing they’re doing#I get they’re actors and we love them but…..🧍🏾#do we really have to take pics of them out and about without them knowing over stuff like them walking or eating???#also I do wanna add that I’m not trying to shame anyone#I’m just kinda venting
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Zoro was about to tell luffy off for making a scene but luffy just says some guys spilled red bean soup and he starts to make a worse one. Amazing
#broon took robins place.... so is she just gonna walk????? damn....#zoro fucking people up for making fun of hungry people..... yeah yeah yeah#now it's luffy's turn.... THEY SPILLED THE RED BEAN SOUP ON LUFFY IT'S GOING DOWN#everyone looks so good with these outfits.... horns really do compliment anyone....#episode 984#kaido wants to marry yamato to one of big mom's sons.... or she wont consider them allies i know it....#kid has kimg's haki too??? and zoro... they do really give that to anyone....#drops of red bean soup on luffy's face to look like tears... (to me)#luffy eating all the soup..... he should take it outside back to the boat akdhsksjk OKUBORE PEOPLE WE ARE EATING TONIGHT!!!#oh jesus.... elephant gun in the middle of the party.... zoro going to the conflict ahdkajs of course#they turned on the lights and everything... WHY did zoro slice the building??? 😭😭#episode 985#talking tag#watching one piece#they are gonna show that scene of tama eating soup 84 more fucking times#'are you happy now?' 'yeah' 'let's run then' INCREDIBLE#APOO TURN THAT SHIT DOWN!!! WHAT IS THAT!!! BOOOOO!!!#THAT DOESN'T EVEN RHYME!!! GET DOWN OF THAT STAGE!!#luffy biting that dog akshakskq#zoro fucking!!! slash him!! do a projectile slash or whatever!! you know how!!#FUCK HIM UP KID YEAAAH!!!!!! NO ANOTHER ONE FOR GOOD MEASURE!!! JUST IN CASE!!#episode 986#do kaido and the others not hear all this???? its right on their castle door akdhsksj#his ass is not uncoscious yet!!! quit the yapping and hit him again kid!!! SEE WHAT HAPPENS!!! SUCK THE BLOOD OUT OF HIS VEINS!! ENOUGH!!#he needs to pull some magneto shit right now!!!#sanji seeing shinobu ball crush some guys and sanji wondering if he would want to try it too!!! I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE SANJI!! 🫵🏻🤨#a tobi roopo has a burdel..... sanji is dying this fight.... this is his final arc.... goodbye sanji... what a shame...#nvm the brothel is empty... sanji gets to live another day#killer ate the fruit to save his captain!!! omg!!! ORICHI WHEN I GET YOU!! Exactly kid kill them all.... fuck em and apoo too.#episode 987
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I like to think that if my tumblr pals came to my house, they’d have a good time
#random post#I don’t mean that as in ‘yea woo let’s party and get fucked up’ like no lol#I just mean. our house is a place where people get along#there’s no expectations here. wanna sit and talk? we can hang out and talk about whatever#wanna play a game? chances are a few other people do to#need to get away for a bit and maybe take a nap? we’ve got plenty of beds take your pick. we’ll make sure no one bothers you#hungry or thirsty? help yourself don’t be shy. we can always get more#like we had ppl over on Saturday and it was so FUN like ppl would talk all together and then different conversations would split off of that#we would go outside then back in. we had food and some ppl had alcohol#we were laughing SO hard about funny shit (like discovering that my sisters bf worked on the gas meter at grandpas but didn’t SAY ANYTHING#ABOUT IT LMFAO) my cousin brought his gf to meet everyone and she just fit in perfectly and so obviously had an obsession for animals#her and my sister were like sudden bffs it was hilarious. my brother and younger cousin ate at 2:40 and slept upstairs till 6:00#and all we did was turn of the light and put on a fan for em lol. crack up at how comfortable they were#me and my lil sister were walking up and down the driveway talking and looking at the stars. the nap duo were pointing out constellations#when most everyone left it was my household and my sister and her bf. she played uno flip and incoherent with me (usually no one does lol)#and we laughed very hard at all of the adult cards. one of the hints she gave for sidechicks was ‘sad used to have a lot of these’ and#I immediately got it. it was fun. we blasted music from the 2000’s and ate bread#I slept for 11 hours that night lmao and I was tired the next day but I wouldn’t have changed it. I like them lots#it’s days like that that make me think I’m more extroverted than introverted. just because I don’t always know what to say doesn’t mean#I don’t like to talk yn? anyways I’m writing a novel in the tags but I don’t care <3 I just love us and I wish#other people were able to have love and fun times often#I hope this doesn’t sound like me bragging about my home life. trust me I know it’s not some shining light in the darkness or whatever#but it’s something. and I don’t mind sharing my love with other people
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I hate living in the middle of nowhere, multiple neighbors have gotten roosters that crow all the fucking time
#okay so there has been one across the street for a few years now and i hear it in the afternoon when i walk out to get the mail#but back in September the neighbors right outside my bedroom door got a roster and i hear it from my room almost all day#now its going in the middle of the night#heard it at 3am last night#ive always hated living in the middle of nowhwre but now its almost unbearable#if the wasps come back as bad as they were a few years ago then i think i might just have to move out i cant take it#like tbh this does not feel like home to me im so lonely i cant sleep well with the fucking roster we are 30 min away from EVERYTHING#and in the spring the wasps will probably be back because there were tons outside back in October#why does my family insist that this is home and i need to be here? im pretty miserable
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#just turning over the idea of executive functioning issues in my head part by part. impulse control. im extremely tightly controlled. im the#best at control. the only times im impulsive is when someone asks me something and my brain doesn't work well in the moment so i tend to b#like fuck it: says something that might fuck me over later bc im like whatever itll prob b fine lol. but mostly not an issue. emotional#control. i dont lash out at ppl except myself i guess. ill sometimes have freak out meltdowns bc i get so frustrated with myself plus mood#weirdness. so not great. flexible thinking. im pretty rigid. if plans randomly change theres like a 1 in 3 chance ill freak out and start#crying and it takes me a long time to adjust to the idea that i have to chsnge something. and things tend to have to b a certain way#not for any reason in particular. thats just how it has to b. i have to eat the same foods. operate at the same times. do thr same things.#thats just how it is. and i find it difficult in social situations to adapt to the flow of convention bc its like but we're talking abt thi#now but something just interrupted and we aren't going abck to that thing. i dont make it other ppls problem but its uncomfortable for me.#working memory. my memory is pretty fucked. self monitoring. im good at that. too good. im pathologically self reflective. planning &#prioritizing. i can plan but i cant prioritize for shit. i will spiral for hours doing nothing bc i can't decide what comes 1st.#task initation. im good at torturing myself into getting things done but i anxiously avoid a lot of things but once i start its like: im in#this mode now. no i cant fucking stop i need this to b done. i need to sit here and finish it otherwise i wont come back to it. i cant do#moderation its all or nothing. all school and nothing outside of that. cant send mail. cant clean sink. i see it and kno i need to do it an#then i just walk away from the disaster area. organization. is ok. it looks a disaster but i only exist in like 3 places so i dont lose#things often but i dont remember where i put things once i put them down i have to deduce where i would have put it. does that paint the#picture of executive functioning issues or rigid and restrictive compulsive behavior paired with self destructive impulses leading to#absolute mental exhaustion which is y things arent getting done? could b either or both. idk my ability to do things 95% of the way and wal#away leaving a mess that ill never come back to strikes me more as the former but what do i#still its worth considering bc i do have an amazing to control myself in a way that's completely out of my control. maybr my start/stop#switch is just fucked idk. slow down and reorient says my counselor u never stop to rest. shes right but also im a grad student stopping#would mean death u gotta keep swimming and doing more than u should. thats how it is#but im so tired and i only get more and more tired. so somethings gotta give eventually#unrelated#i forgot focus. my focus is good sometimes and sometimes my brain is moving too fast and i cant focus at all. its static#but focus is not a thing i cna control
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