#we in a good place now which is why i now have the mental capacity to be Normal again

[sitp-recs]

hi! thanks for your blog. do you have any recs for realistic mental health fics? thanks!

Hi anon! I can share some fics that resonated with me but please keep in mind that I’m no expert on the topic and cannot attest nor validate these portrayals in a professional capacity. I hope they work for you!

Touched by @writcraft (T, 7k)

On the insistence of his parents, Draco begins to see a therapist to discuss his difficulties with physical intimacy. When he changes his appointment time, Draco discovers he’s not the only one seeking assistance as a result of events which occurred during the war and he finds comfort in the most unexpected of places.

The Body Keeps Score by amorsindolor (E, 13k)

Draco cries during sex. A story about touch, intimacy, and the healing we find through mutual trust and love.

Edificabo by @doubleappled (E, 18k)

Numb and exhausted after the war, Harry returns to the only real home he’s ever known. Hogwarts needs help, too.

All That Remains by lordhellebore (M, 21k)

In a Great Britain destroyed by war and plagued by magical epidemics, those who are left behind struggle to survive and find meaning. While Draco battles his guilt by becoming a social worker, Harry is headed down a path of self-destruction.

Come Hell or High Water, anon (M, 22k)

In his bed under Mungo's floating candles, Harry sips tea, watches reality TV, and does his best not to pay any mind to the curse which has invaded his body.

Vale Sanare by RurouniHime (M, 23k)

Draco’s world gains a new component just when he thought he’d sorted everything out.

Holly and Hawthorn, Thistle and Thyme by bryoneybrynn (E, 31k)

After the war, Harry can’t shake the feeling that something is very wrong with him and he has a terrible feeling he knows what that “something” might be. He has a terrible feeling Malfoy might know, too.

(Un)wanted by @aibidil (E, 36k)

Ginny's pregnant, then she's not and Harry's single. Harry, again with no family, doesn't know what to do with this turn of events, or how to find a new life—post-war, post-Ginny, post-abortion—in which he belongs.

He Who Must Not Be Normal by lettered (E, 41k)

Potter has fame and fortune and posh clothes and all he wants is a simple life. Draco has a flat and a cat and a steady job and all he wants is a complicated life.

A Piercing Comfort by talithan (T, 44k)

When Harry Potter hits the lowest point of his life so far, it is not his friends who keep him honest. With Draco Malfoy's patience and guidance, Harry learns to stand on his own. The thing is, after the fact—he's no longer sure he wants to.

The Four Doors by @fluxweeed (E, 49k)

It’s been four months since Harry lost his memory. Four months of dead ends and no answers. With time running out until his memories are gone for good, Harry agrees to a course of Legilimency therapy with a renowned specialist: Mind Healer Draco Malfoy.

Here's The Pencil, Make It Work by ignatiustrout (M, 49k)

Harry thinks "Why is Malfoy working in a coffee shop in muggle London?" is a much simpler question than, "Are you going to accept that auror offer and, if you don't, what will you do?"

Chocolate and Pastry by agentmoppet, anemonen (E, 50k)

When Pansy bets Draco that there is no chance he and Harry could carry out a genuine romantic relationship, he and Harry form a plan. But as their fake relationship progresses, Draco sees a side of Harry he never expected.

(We'll Call This Fixer-Upper) Home by @phdmama (E, 52k)

Draco Malfoy hasn’t set foot on English soil in ten years. After the war, he fled to America, where he found himself in a community, and healed himself through following his heart into music. He’s now the lead singer and songwriter for an internationally known band, who have come back to headline the Wiltshire Music Festival.

Meet Me at Midnight by @the-starryknight (T, 57k)

Harry was beginning to wonder if he’d ever make anything again when Malfoy stormed through the door of Harry’s furniture shop. Now Harry’s got an impossible Ministry commission to finish, and even less energy than ever to deal with his elusive muse.

The Way Down by lettered (T, 65k)

Harry is overwhelmed by his own power and fame and angst, so he's become a hermit. Draco Malfoy is tired of the melodrama.

I Am Not Who I Became by mab_di (E, 93k)

Draco left England after the trials and has travelled the world meeting wizards and Muggles from different cultures and with vastly different relationships to magic, each other, and the natural world. Now he's a fisherman in Finland on commercial vessels. Harry has been struggling since the war and has become a recluse while trying to write his autobiography.

By the Grace by lettered (T, 140k)

Harry is an Auror instructor. Malfoy wants to be an Auror.

[getvalentined]

hi! i'm actually really interested in the "is cait sith reeve" debate and was fascinated by your post since you firmly believe cait sith is his own person.

i'm playing through dirge right now so i can't comment fully on what transpires there, but based on rebirth alone i'm having trouble believing cait sith isn't controlled by him. i know your post said rebirth excluded a scene that made it clear cait sith is his own person, but I'm not sure what you're referring to exactly. The only thing I can think of is the original game, where Cait Sith sacrifices himself and says not to forget him even if another Cait Sith comes along...which is a good point, though one could potentially argue that Reeve is just sentimental.

Anyway, what I want to know is: if Cait Sith has a personality separate from Reeve and can move independently while Reeve is busy, then why does Cait Sith repeatedly go offline in Rebirth while Reeve is busy? This is the main argument I see and one of my favorites, so I think answering that could help your own. The only arguments I can think up are either that the devs wanted to give players clear hints that Reeve controls Cait Sith, or that he wants to make sure he's monitoring Cait Sith when the cat interacts with the party. But besides that, Cait Sith really doesn't act like a different person. Sure, he has an accent and is silly, but he doesn't make any comment whatsoever (as far as I know) that indicates he isn't Reeve himself. In fact, the party treats Cait Sith and the Shinra employee controlling him as the same person, and Cait Sith doesn't attempt to rebuke it. (Outside of maybe lying that he's a mere amusement park attraction?)

i do admit, if dirge seriously contradicts this interpretation, it's weird for the devs to go against it...but as someone who once believed cait sith and reeve were separate and changed their mind after rebirth, I just don't think there's enough evidence based on rebirth alone to claim that cait sith is his own person.

on that note, you mentioned cait sith has his own likes and dislikes separate from reeve and i'm actually really curious about that! do you have an example of that? :D It sounds like fun trivia lol (i really like reeve and cait sith...)

anyway thank you for reading till the end! sorry if this is unwelcome

There's a scene in Dirge where Reeve and Cait walk out of the same room together, reacting to one another independently:

Further, Cait Sith only goes into stasis twice in the entirety of Rebirth as far as I can recall? Once at the end of a board meeting that Reeve was active in, but seemingly not for the entirety of the board meeting, as Cait Sith appeared to be mid-conversation and trailed off when Reeve got bad news—this makes sense if he's connected to Cait Sith and has the capacity to control him directly as needed, but not if he had to do so actively 100% of the time. The other time is in Cosmo Canyon, because he's clearly not interested in their woo-woo metaphysical nonsense, and he cites it as taking time to recharge his batteries.

Reeve is still working as Director of Urban Planning during all of this, so I find it super hard to believe that he's spending 99.9999% his time at a computer or mentally controlling and speaking through a doll while also running the department that is trying to put Midgar back together after the plate drop—particularly not since we have official meta stating that he's an Inspire, which I cited in a reblog.

Beyond that, there's this bit in the OG, which Cait Sith says to himself, in an empty room:

There is no explanation for this if Cait Sith is entirely remote controlled. There's no one else here to hear it, no reason for him to express these feelings—or even have feelings in the first place!

In Rebirth it's even more clear, because he expresses physical strain as he's literally holding the Temple up by keeping himself wedged under the platform. He's uncomfortable, he's physically taxed, he's in pain. Again, most of this occurs in an empty room, and would not happen if he was just a toy that Reeve had to control directly like a complex RC car or something.

The concept of likes and dislikes that are independent is less solidly shown in-canon, but they have distinctly different personalities, and Reeve is very clearly not interested in things like prophecies and the Promised Land and all that—he is a scientist at the end of the day, a civil and mechanical engineer—and yet Cait Sith's whole shtick is to tell fortunes! This is also something that he seems to enjoy doing quite a bit, even if he's not very good at it. (He gets better. Kinda.)

Cait Sith is obviously connected to Reeve, but it's equally obvious that he's not analogous. Presumably Cait Sith doesn't care when he's equated to Reeve because he is Reeve's eyes and ears in the field, even when he's not in direct control. The fact that he only really talks about himself as an individual when he's alone kind of implies that he'd rather the others not know, because he doesn't want them to be upset about what's going to happen to him; if he were nothing more than a glorified RC toy, this wouldn't be a concern, because he wouldn't have concerns at all.

[hyunverse]

combing hyunjin’s hair when he doesn’t have the mental capacity to do so is a love language.

the silence which engulfs the room once he walks in speaks volumes. a distraught look etched on porcelain face like a melancholic sculpture, lips unmoving. at the sight of you, hyunjin wills himself to utter “hey, my love,” before seating himself in front of the vanity.

it wasn’t supposed to be like this. he was supposed to be by your side hours ago, to celebrate your wedding anniversary. he made a reservation weeks ago, a plan well constructed written in the pages of his journal. yet, it’s as though the world holds a vendetta against him. out of all days, his boss just had to conduct an important meeting he could not get out of today. a few hours prior to your supposed date, he called you, raged and saddened to inform that he wouldn’t be able to make it. “i’ll come home as quickly as possible and i’ll make it up to you,” he had told you on the phone.

hyunjin’s promises are never empty ones. as soon as he sits on the vanity, he attempts to fix his messy hair, black locks which cascade above his shoulders all tangled from the amount of times he ran his fingers through them. with a wooden brush, hyunjin attempts to brush his untamed hair. he tugs the comb through tangled knots, face scrunched in pain.

“god, just work already,” you could hear him mumble from the bed. soon, you see him hitting his head with the comb, stressed whimpers escaping from his pink lips.

“jinnie,” you say, standing up from the bed to approach him, “you’re being too harsh on yourself, baby.”

“this is — it’s all stupid,” he grunts.

you hum, gently taking the wooden brush from his hands. he looks up at you, brown doe eyes gazing into yours softly. you melt at the sight.

“come, i’ll do it for you.”

you get to work then — untangling each knot in his hair the softest you possibly could, mumbling an apology everytime you hear him hiss. if hyunjin was a cat, he’d be purring at every touch. his head moves towards you, eyes threatening to close from the sensation of your fingers going through his locks.

once his hair is detangled, you shape them with the comb. hyunjin watches you intensely through the mirror, feeling all his stress slowly dissipate because of you. his love, tenderly caring for him — a doting look on the prettiest face, humming to his favourite song. hyunjin feels as though he’s the luckiest man in the world — like everything else in the universe feels so miniscule.

"all done," you mumble, setting the comb down on the vanity table, "does it look good for you, darling?"

for the first time today, a smile forms on hyunjin's tired face.

"yes. thank you, my love," he replies, taking both your arms to wrap it around his own neck. the reflection in the mirror is what he used to see in his dreams — you, with your arms wrapped around him, chin resting atop his now neat head.

you sway a little, placing kisses on his cheeks which cause him to let noises of delight.

"hey, why don't we celebrate tonight indoors? we can make some ramyeon and watch that show you've been wanting to watch."

he tilts his head backwards, looking up at you. he blinks, and you have to suppress a chuckle at his cuteness.

"but i promised to take you out..."

you shrug, "it's fine. we can't have a cute dancing session if we celebrate in a restaurant anyway, right?" you wiggle your eyebrows.

a second smile appears on hyunjin's face today — and it will continue as the night passes by.

disclaimer — © 2023 hyunverse on tumblr. all rights reserved. authors works are protected under the copyright law. do not plagiarize or translate my works. tumblr is my only platform.

[mushroomcrepe]

Hi i'm back about Senku and Byakuya because they are everything helppdkfjeke

I felt my post [x] about their father-son relationship lacked their shared love for science, because i was worried the message of my post would give an "science is only what makes them close" impression. But I think it could be interesting to talk about how Byakuya's view of science influenced Senku's view of science.

I won't talk about much about Senku personal relationship with science, because a famous manga called Dr Stone already talks about it in numerous ways (go check out i swear it's good), and I wouldn't have the words to give another interesting perspective.

So Byakuya's point of view 100% oriented Senku's vision of science and way of using it. How ? Well first he is a very dedicated man. He dedicated his life for the progress of science in his way. As Senku said, he was accepted by the Jaxa not for his scientific capacities, but for his "vigor". Now i can't say with confidence just how athletic he was (all astronauts have to be, and he sure was ripped hahaha), but i am sure there were younger more athletic people than his 40 years old self out there. I rather think when he said vigor, it was also a matter of mental strength.

We never, ever in the whole manga saw him give up on trying. We saw him fail sometimes like any human, but he simply doesn't give up. And Senku witnessed that his whole life too, even after his death. How Senku couldn't pick up on that and become the not giving up, going step by step, trials by trials and try and find out person he is now ?

His father waited 10 years for the opportunity of being astronaut, waited in his peaceful rest millenias for Senku to wake up, tried again and again for ramen space food, and also never gave up on trying to bring fun or romance in science things to his son (ex : the moon following him, the fireworks). Even if it's not something his cartesian mind enjoy, Senku saw that his father never stopped being himself. He showed him a science where he could fully be himself and have fun in his way.

Byakuya works for the progress of human civilisation, that's something drilled in his mind and he died with this belief. He worried about the precious ressources being less accessible so he collected as much as possible to be sure that civilisation could grow again. Of course, like said in the first post, his son was a very important source of motivation. But remember when the children of the astronauts asked him why he didn't stop, he answered "because i'm an astronaut".

Everytime he mentionned he is an astronaut, it always felt special, almost solemn which show how serious he took this job. An astronaut, the epitome of scientific progress and the very pride of humanity.

He is a man of science, he doesn't have the scientific brain of Senku or his deceased colleagues, but he has the mindset of a scientist. And this is what Senku got from him. Senku was already walking toward the sciences by himself, all Byakuya did was showing him the mentality of a scientist that wants to discover and help the futur of humankind. That's why they both decided to bring back humanity, they just worked differently for it.

Byakuya worked until someone took his place, which is Senku, that he considered as the next astronaut, the next scientist working toward the progress of humanity.

(unrelated note : he literally, in this world with nothing left to give, prepared an heritage specifically for Senku before his passing which is his final gesture as a father. Really what a character Boichi what happened in your mind)

Byakuya showed Senku how science isn't about only cool technology or data pilling up, it's about methodic work, trials and errors, sharing your competences with other to achieve better... Actually, he showed him that despite everything, science was profoundly human. That's why Senku respects people's personal capacities, like when he explained the division of work to Magma, how he's opposed to Xeno's opinion about the use of science (not developping to prevent spoilers)...

One of the things that shows the best this division of competences is the Yuzuhira/Taiju/Senku bff trio or the Creation/Labor/Science pillars. The trio represents 3 distinct characteristics you find in humanity and they still are the closest characters in the manga.

To conclude Senku way of doing science is so much like him, his personality really breathes through his silly ideas and ultra ambitious plans (who would have think of making a phone in a stone world ???) because he learnt from Byakuya that used science while being himself (the record disk to transmit a song and one last message)

[gingergofastboatsmojito]

THE BEAR S3 Predictions

Just a mental note I'm putting out here to be able to revisit it when the time comes to check its level of accuracy. I have the feeling that S3 is going to be the season of the reconciliations.

The relationship between Richie and Carmy is completely broken after the walk-in incident and Richie walks from The Bear. He happens to get some kinda job offer and accepts it just to prove Carmy wrong. They will later spend a good portion of S3 trying to repair their bond. By the end of S3 (hopefully sooner) there should be a reconciliation of some sort between them and Richie should go back to The Bear.

Nat gives birth to her new "cub" and this brings the family together. There is a reconciliation with Donna, which in some capacity benefits not only the siblings but the entire team, the restaurant as a whole. Not exactly sure how this will play out, but Donna will quit being this negative and toxic influence on everyone. Maybe she gets clean because she takes this baby as a new chance to start over and be a better grandmother than the mother she was. IDK...

Marcus' mother dies and this juxtaposition of new beginnings, births, endings, death, etc is going to be a theme throughout the whole season, that is why I actually think this funeral will be the opener.

There will be some kinda flashback episode, like 7 Fishes or a montage of some memory that has a huge impact on one or more characters. I have my $ put on the Sundays, Mr. Adamu and lil Syd would spend at Mr. Beef's. I strongly disagree with the weak argument that just because the Berzattos are catholic, their restaurant didn't open on Sundays. The gastronomic industry cares very little about those traditions especially if the place is struggling. I bet they were open every Sunday part-time, just for lunch, to get all the demand of those who went to church just because business-wise it makes total sense.

Carmen will apologize to Claire. Not sure what she's gonna make of that apology, whether she's gonna accept it or not, I hope she doesn't. I'm pretty sure there will be no reconciliation here. I don't necessarily oppose Carmy having a romantic partner and as much as I ship SydCarmy like nobody's business, I'm 100% sure they are not gonna happen any time soon. Maybe and this is a HUGE maybe, they could be the perfect cliffhanger for S4. But that would be a stretch. Not that Store & Calo couldn't pull it off, but still. So, basically, I am all for a new love interest being presented to Carmen just to see how he responds to it. After Claire he should go back to his old lone-wolf ways, I need to test that behavioral theory though, so I need a new female character to do it.

Last, but certainly not least, Miss Adamu needs her man and I'm not talking about Bear. I want to know more about Sydney's past and see her letting her hair down, putting her records on, and all that jazz. So, maybe an old flame can re-appear in her life and they can try to "reconcile". This reconciliation shouldn't work either because she's now devoted to making The Bear work and is basically a workaholic and both, Carmy & her get into this synch of type As on Speed and Red Bull, non-stop working machines, well-oiled now that they had already learned from their mistakes and The Bear succeeds but Sydney's relationship with her guy from the past fails, again. The guy feels like a 3rd wheel and lets her know that she's not in a relationship with him but with her job. Sydney understands the subtext, and this break-up is actually a wake-up call for her. She starts seeing what we all shippers are already seeing. It's not just about work for her. Yes, The Bears are too absorbing and demanding, both, the restaurant and the chef, but she doesn't mind. She loves it. Love is the operative word here. This realization should hit her hard by the end of the season.

The background of all the things I just mentioned above will be the BOH, fast-paced, chaotic, and working like a Swiss clock, just like Carmy likes it.

Am I missing something? Probably. Can't wait to find out.

Bonus tracks: I am pretty sure the wedding will either be Teff's or Fak's.

And lastly: When Sydcarmy happens, it will "officially" start with something small and inane like Syd accidentally finding out Carm has been drawing portraits of her all along... CHECK THIS OUT, I think Storer & Calo have something like this in mind or along these lines, and it should come along in S3, minus the sex part.

[masqueradeofatlas]

I will start this message a bit funny. Are you anti of Jatlas?

Maybe I'm writing here, because I want to know that I'm not the only who ship them, and not only them in this whole shipping thing, but did someone ever tell you're sick, you're pedo or you should go to jail? Because as an artist I was called like that so many times, even when I created and published my Jatlas art in the past and even today, because I wrote something wrong to someone reblogged post. People are stiff, or even worse. Some of them really compare fiction to reality? We can be free to do what we want in this world even? lol

Sorry if this ask upset you. I don't want mix you with something bad!

I love these cosplays. Really. And also sorry for my bad english.

Anti?

Does this look anti to you? 🤣 I’m being sarcastic, of course. No, I am not anti JAtlas. Now, is the ship healthy? No. Certainly not. But I will insert something I’ll be including in my JAtlas story called Fatherless Figures;

(Both references to the book & game.)

You might be wondering why I would consider pairing Frank(Atlas)/Jack. Frank, although involved with Jack’s mind conditioning, wasn’t fully involved with Jack during his whole (rather short) childhood. In fact, so much so that’s why Jack called Suchong ‘Papa’. Frank always had the mentality that he was too good to get his feet dirty, which is why he hired Suchong and Tenenbaum in the first place to do the work while he gave the ideas for them (such as the puppy audio and fake family). The last he actually SAW Jack was when he smuggled him to the surface. (And honestly, I don’t feel (HC) that was fully accurate.)

Again, I am not condoning abusive behavior or supporting childlike-romantic relationships. Jack has been seen drinking, smoking, and having the mental capacity to shoot and make choices without mind control. So much so, it is suggested he raised five of the little sisters. Again. A CHILD couldn’t do that. Jack has been physically around for a little time, yes, but their scientific experiments allowed him to grow faster than the average human body. At the end of the day, I am simply a person who really enjoys understanding a villain (not excusing). Not everything is black and white, and people CAN change even with their worst mistakes.

So, yes, technically at a factual standpoint; Jack has been on Earth for a VERY short time, but at a mental/scientific/physical standpoint; he is not a child according to the game/book. But for people that don’t know the game as well or simply disagree. Fine. Let them. But I find the people that do that; often tolerate ships/flaws I would HEAVILY consider questionable both at a fantasy and even a reality standpoint, but again, to each their own.

Also, thank you so much for the compliment, we plan to share more JAtlas content soon!

[elminsters]

Okay so I don't have the mental energy to do a proper write-up of her backstory but I want to talk about her so here is a point form list of information about my rook, Muireann!

chaotic good human rogue- probably duelist but maybe veil ranger, I'm waiting to see which one looks most interesting

She lives on a ship (a brigantine to be specific)

She's essentially a paranormal investigator, tracking down and researching anomalies across Thedas (hence the brigantine)

She is constantly getting dangerously close to things with the capacity to kill her for observation purposes

She's been working with the Veil Jumpers for a while now: it's a sort of symbiotic relationship as she gets free-reign to research the altered reality within the Arlathan forest and the other Veil Jumpers have her help for exploration/monster killing/protecting the ruins

She is extremely focused on her work and has a really difficult time putting down roots for that reason, her studies force her to travel a lot

The Arlathan forest is the place she's lived the longest, though she does leave on occasion to maintain her ship and travel for a few weeks at a time. She always comes back as the forest is the place to be if paranatural phenomena interest you

Solas is the wildest anomaly she's encountered yet and she's absolutely studying him

99.9999% sure she'll be romancing Taash: if Taash doesn't click then she'll be best friends to lovers with Bellara

Obviously any/all of this is subject to change, and I intentionally left gaps/vagueness so it's easier to integrate her into any canon backstory beats that the game presents (for example, we know there's going to be details about why rook is travelling with Varric and "who they were before", whatever that means). I just like to have a good idea of who my character is before I start a game so I don't feel the need to restart every time I make a major lore change!

[linde-writes]

Well, if the whole "Izzy is Ed's father figure and mentor" take from Jenkins accomplished anything, it at least served as a Word of God confirmation that the rancid take of "Izzy is Ed's abuser" is not and has never been canon; Jenkins specifically contrasts Ed's relationship with Izzy to Ed's relationships with his dad and Hornigold. It's still not a particularly good take, because that's just...not what's depicted in the actual show. Ed never looks up to Izzy in any capacity, even in their positive interactions.

And the whole point of "the mentor dies" trope is that it rips away the safety net for the heroes. Playtime's over, they can't depend on someone more experienced to protect or guide them, the student now has to step up and become the master. But. Izzy is NOT a safety net or a guide for Ed. Ed has done whatever the hell he wants for the entire show, and expected Izzy to just follow what he wants. We get that one line from Stede about Izzy teaching Ed about piracy, but whatever he might have taught Ed in the past, Ed's clearly gotten off the training wheels and surpassed Izzy prior to the show even starting.

My most generous interpretation is that Izzy is supposed to be...an emotional role model for Ed? Which would explain why Izzy gets a more poignant arc of overcoming his trauma and bonding with the crew, if Izzy's death is meant to be the kick in the pants Ed needs to actually address his own issues now that the one character he can trust to stick by him no matter what is now dead. But that doesn't make any sense, because:

There's no pushback for Izzy's speech that the crew "loves" Ed, which I assume means we are supposed to take him at his word as Ed is now forgiven and accepted back into the crew.

Ed responds to Izzy's death by...separating from the crew, which is framed as a "kinder" ending.

Izzy is still not exactly a great role model for mental health at the point of his death.

Izzy's death actively counteracts his whole "healing" arc in the first place.

I suppose the other halfway generous interpretation is that Izzy's death = Blackbeard's death, and the loss of Blackbeard is the true ripping away of a safety net. But that's bullshit for reasons that have already been extensively covered by other fans:

We've already had multiple symbolic "death of Blackbeard" moments this season, one of which is carried out by Izzy himself.

Blackbeard is so feared and respected because of his brilliance and brutality. And...err...No offense to Izzy, but he's not shown to possess either.

As early as episode 2, Izzy has already moved beyond Blackbeard and found some other purpose. Hell, if you want to be technical, Izzy's already moved beyond Blackbeard before the second season even started.

[jeannereames]

Aside from Hephaistion, who did Alexander consider to be his friends? Is there anyone who’s been noted as someone he was close to or fond of? Were they around his age, or older, like someone like Kleitus?

No doubt Alexander’s circle changed across his lifespan. Hephaistion appears to have been a constant, and a few others, but we get mention of new friends and acquaintances now and then, also fallings-out, or deaths.

First, we should note that each Macedonian prince was accorded an “official circle” called syntrophoi (σύντροφοι), selected by the king. It means “those who were raised together with,” e.g., schooled with Alexander. His cousin Amyntas would have had the same. (I’m thinking Arrhidaios probably didn’t, but he might have, depending on his actual mental capacity, which isn’t clear.)

If we can’t be 100% certain who were Alexander’s syntrophoi, we can make a few guesses. Perdikkas, Leonnatos, Marsyas, Hektor, Lysimachos, and Seleukos all seem likely—maybe even Kassandros (although he was younger). Probably Hephaistion, although one of the places Sabine Müller and I disagree is when he met Hephaistion. She thinks they met only as adults, whereas I think Hephaistion was a syntrophos. (I won’t go into why; I simply note it.)

The ruins of the palaistra near Mieza turns out to be much bigger than we expected, suggesting there were a lot of boys sent to study with Alexander—more by far than I included in the novel. But I’d already written Dancing with the Lion by the time that excavation occurred, and I’m not sure I’d change it even if I had known, as 100 kids is a lot to keep track of! I did note the size in the Historical Note, however, at the end of book 2. Obviously if there were even 50 (never mind the possible 100), they weren’t all close to Alexander. Probably most weren’t.

Some not syntrophoi, but important to his circle, include Krateros, Philotas, Nikanor, and Ptolemy, all of whom would have been about 10-ish years older, and may have been syntrophoi (at least some) of Alexander’s older cousin Amyntas. Erigyios, Laomedon, Harpalos, and Nearchos, despite my making them Alexandros’s age in the novels, were all almost certainly older, and perhaps by some years (more than Ptolemy and Krateros). Kleitos would have been like a big brother to Alexander, too, but not a syntrophos.

Now, OF those assigned syntrophoi, who were his actual friends? Good question. Keep in mind this is just my own opinion, based on my sense of things from the sources.

In addition to Hephaistion, he seems to have been genuinely fond of Hektor (Parmenion’s youngest). I think he also liked Lysimachos, and Perdikkas. Despite the hatchet-job Ptolemy (et al.) did on Perdikkas’s reputation in the Successor Wars, after Hephaistion’s death, Perdikkas occupied the highest position still at court (with Krateros his most trusted person away from court). I’m not sure if he were actual friends with Krateros, or simply recognized him as an excellent general, Parmenion’s natural successor. If they were close at some point, I can’t imagine the friction with Hephaistion made it easy to continue. For that matter, I’m not sure Hephaistion and Krateros weren’t originally at least friendly, if not friends. The tension seems to bloom late in the campaign after Hephaistion’s rise. Another possible friend was Marsyas, who had more of a literary career than a military one. But like Ptolemy later, he could have exaggerated his importance to Alexander for prestige.

There were also people in-and-out of his personal circle who weren’t Macedonians, or soldiers. We hear less about them. And we should remember that people’s personal circle does change across time. I think most people do probably count only a handful of people as consistent, long-term friends. That’s what makes them special.

Alexander’s unique place as crown prince, then king…then simply the most powerful person in his world, would have complicated enormously who he could call a friend.

It’s why I find his attachment to Hephaistion so fascinating—a unicorn—as it seems to have been both sincere and to have weathered his rise to power. It’s also why I think his own death followed so quickly on Hephaistion’s. It’s lonely at the top. A cliché, but very true. He got lucky enough to have a trusted partner who he brought along from the beginning. When that partner died, he was rudderless. Even if he trusted Perdikkas…Perdikkas wasn’t Hephaistion. Nobody was. That emotional devastation was heightened so much more simply due to his position.

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

Does anti-psych include therapy? I was put in a institution and am very opinionated against institutions and etc but I've been finding therapy helpful.

I want to start with the underlying premise here that I think you may be struggling with: all mental health care under our current system is inherently harmful vs all mental health care under our current system is inherently less helpful than it could be because of the individualization and medicalization of it's approach.

Therapy can absolutely be helpful! Likely it would still be helpful under another system of mental health care! But what do we consider to be valid "therapy" and why? What do we exclude from that framework and why? How much more supportive of our clients could we be as therapists if everyone's basic needs were already being met by their community and they were only having to come to us with what therapist's call additive symptoms rather than negative symptoms because negative symptoms like executive dysfunction, fatigue etc, were being accommodated by community services as a baseline?

I see a lot of clients who really wouldn't need to see me at all, or at least could stand to see far less of me, if they had someone who could stop by a few hours a week to handle logistical things lile helping them make phone calls, prepare meals in advance, and tidy. I have other clients who would benefit significantly from just having someone stop by to body double and socialize while THEY perform those tasks. I have clients who don't need support with tasks regularly, but do intermittently with depressive and chronic health episodes. So much of my work with them is undoing shame they should never have been made to feel in the first place for naturally struggling to function at full capacity during a time of stress. And while sure, therapy can help with that, it's reactive. A better world reduces the number of people who grow up feeling that shame by normalizing the reasons for which amd mechanisms by which we are interdependent on one another.

So the short answer is yes, anti-psych does include therapy.

But the long answer is, that absolutely still means there can be value gotten from the systems we have now, especially if you are in need of help now. Something can often be better than nothing, and the field as a whole is always changing, so old ways of thinking and working with clients DO phase out thank goodness. That doesn't mean we stop pushing for better either, even if that means, as mental health care providers, holding ourselves so accountable to the past of our field that we declare its foundations unsalvagable.

I've had good and bad therapy. I've even performed good and bad therapy. Therapy is a tool, and tools can be largely neutral when built correctly. Not all the tools in the therapy toolbox have been. We need to be conscientious of that while we're using it, and work to root out the badly built tools so that future generations don't feel that impact.

[boyswanna-be-her]

Lmao the walk was super fun but only two people showed up (my biggest fan, who was obvs gonna be there, and a new friend who we both met at the same time through volunteering which is cute and fun, he's a p good deal younger than us). Since it was just the 3 of us, we hiked the WHOLE trail system and had a blast. Got lunch afterwards. I invited them to come out to the beach with me, and my friend decided to follow me straight out and new boy went home first but then flaked and never ended up coming to the beach.

So the clown dance continued, we swam and sunned and laughed, came back to my apartment, eventually got hungry and went to dinner, our third meal together in a row today. At every point they were hesitant to leave and happy to be invited to do the next thing. The only reason why we're not together now is that we're supposed to lift tonight at their place with someone else joining, so they headed back to their own side of town while I went home to take a shower.

This is actually a great holding pattern as far as I'm concerned. We spend as much time and I'd be willing to spend with someone I was dating, and I enjoy spending time with them more than being alone (USUALLY more, sometimes they're in a mood and I'd rather split). It's been so long since I've ACTUALLY enjoyed someone's company more than my own that I wasn't sure that would ever even happen again for me. I'm happy with this. The chemistry is there but--and holy shit i can't believe im saying this--I don't actually want to risk our friend...ship? Lmao? Who am i?

I also made an offhand comment about planning something fun and they responded "I don't really drink so that can make it hard" and of course in light of recent life changes on my side I'm like 👀👀👀 that is the opposite of a problem! But it also makes me sad bc they have been drinking with me some on our off hours and it sounds like they were just trying to keep up with me/not murder the vibe and that was SO not necessary. It also makes some stuff track more in retrospect (like "oh what was up with them that night?" ends up being "they were sleepy bc they dont drink booze normally"). Anyway, since it came up organically I told them that I was actually working on my sobriety and that it was difficult with my parents as enablers/people who want a drinking buddy from their child--and wouldnt you fucking know, bc we have everything else in common, they also have the SAME dynamic w their parents. And they seemed happy that sobriety was something I was thinking about and valued, but possibly more relieved that I actually DO enjoy our time together when we're both sober and want to do more of that.

We're finally getting into some deeper shit and I'm learning about their history and what makes them tick. Like they speak their mind super freely, but they are SO private about their family and personal life to the point that it feels almost too intimate to learn some of this shit that people who have known them longer are oblivious about. On the other hand, I'm a open book about everything I've been through and my mental health but good fucking luck getting an earnest take out of me on anything unless i deeply trust you. It makes for a weird game of learning about each other. I thanked them today for being a friend who's down to clown with all of my stupid suggestions and admitted that I normally just do everything alone but it's more fun with them. They expressed it all back to me. Alone for a long time, fine with that, surprised to find me, thankful for that too. It's just like, hm. Very comfy. And I don't worry about being wanted or wearing out my welcome, and I don't get taken advantage of, and they stand up for me and do nice things for me, and feed me and worry about me. That's such a nice change for me from being either The Provider or a person who wants for nothing or no one. It's scary to want someone in my life, even in this capacity, but it's more rewarding than I thought it could be without, yknow, actively trying to date or hook up. I feel like the possibility of something more is stalking us from location to location like the monster in It Follows--sometimes our knees are nestled together while we talk and it's breathing down our necks and sometimes we're both distracted and moody and it's not something either is thinking too much about, but fuck if it isn't always there and a thing I think we will inevitably make a choice about in the future but.

[dungeonmastersconsortium]

TW: Mental Health

I struggled a lot with deciding whether or not to make this post. At various times while writing it, I have thought that it was (either separately, some simultaneously, or all together) vain, self-deprecating, self-indulgent, selfish, attention seeking, or too depressing for anyone else to read. And if you continue past this point, heads up: it probably is these things at various times.

For those of you that don't know, I have Bipolar 1 and Borderline personality disorder. I have been actively putting in the work for a few years to get myself toward a better place mentally. Therapy, psych, meds, you name it, I've been doing it. I firmly believe it's important to do the work. (Honestly, you should go to therapy too.) I need to start off by saying this because it's an important foundation for the rest of this post.

My pair of SWEET mental illnesses manifest together in various ways. Individually, they're kind of what you might expect. Take the Bipolar 1. If you've known me for a long time and we interact in person, socially, I GUARANTEE you have experienced one of my manic episodes, and possibly benefitted from it in some way. I'm "lucky" in that the way my manic/hypomanic episodes manifest is mostly in ways that don't directly harm people, especially physically. I get VERY charismatic and outgoing. Very impulsive. WAY more social. I get very generous with my friends, moreso than normal. These also have some really bad downsides, but they aren't the things that would get me hospitalized. (Except for a couple instances of auditory hallucination back in my younger days. Hasn't happened in over a decade, though.) But my impulsivity has hurt people's feelings when I do something careless. I've developed coping mechanisms for this that allow me to more responsibly indulge in mania (which DOES feel great, unfortunately) without harming anyone usually.

Y'all also definitely know I can get pretty depressed. It happens. It happened a LOT in the past. A little less often now. Part of the bipolar thing too.

In short, I feel things much more strongly than neurotypical folks. This applies to all emotional states. While not everything I feel is extreme, the strength at which I feel things has a greater capacity for highs and lows. I guess the best way to explain it would be that most neurotypical folks have an emotional capacity from 1-10, and it's a pretty even scale, proportional to events that occur to trigger that emotional state. I would characterize myself as having a 1-20 scale. One problem is that my emotional scale isn't exactly EVEN. The higher the initial emotional reaction, the more likely it is to slide up the scale if left unchecked. If I'm not careful, something that solicits a reaction of, say, 7, will work its way up higher and higher.

You've heard of people being "overcome by emotion," and I can tell you that it's… SOMETHING. My previous therapist described it as not just a negative thing, he referred to it as a kind of superpower. While yes, I can feel sadness, despair, anger, hopelessness, and outrage at incredibly strong levels, I also experience joy, love, excitement, and passionate at similarly high levels. This can be VERY dangerous if left unchecked for me. A strong "active" emotion like excitement, joy, or anger can trigger a full manic episode.

Every day is work for me, mentally. One of the things 3 separate therapists and 2 psychologists have told me is that I'm very good at metacognition. Metacognition is, in short, thinking about thinking. I'm pretty good at tracking my own thought patterns and examining root causes of present emotions. I'm pretty dang good at this point especially at pointing out to my partners when I can feel the mania or depression coming on. (Which I think they're pretty grateful for lmao) It helps me regulate my emotions, as I can usually backtrack something and figure out when/why it is that way. My last therapist told me it makes his job both easier and harder, because most people have trouble identifying their own thought patterns and processes in therapy, which is why they're in therapy.

I have, both inadvertently and on purpose, developed a lot of tools to help manage my behaviors. In general terms, the best metaphor I can think of is a sheepdog trying to herd a particularly unruly herd of sheep, with no fence. Part of me is just trying to get out, even though it'll objectively be bad for me. The other part of me is constantly running circles around the herd, doing its best to keep everything within safe boundaries. There's a problem with this, though, that the metaphor is also handy for.

A dog can't run forever. At some point, it's going to get tired. It's going to need a break, to rest. Even when the sheep aren't actively trying to get away, just remaining vigilant in place can be tiring. Because it KNOWS they're gonna try to get away again.

My biggest problem over the last couple years is… Hard to talk about. I've trained myself to be able to regulate, but it's a LOT of work. It can be VERY frustrating even when great things are happening, because I can't just let go and enjoy something, as if I let it go too far, it might be bad news. I keep myself in check because I don't want to hurt other people. In my deepest, most authentic self, I don't want to hurt anyone. But it's TIRING.

I think it's why one of my love languages is acts of service and gift giving. (Both giving and receiving.) Someone taking something off my plate without me having to ask is VERY meaningful to me, especially since I have a hard time asking for help. (Part of the whole 'not wanting to make my mental health other people's problem thing.) Gifts also show me concrete proof that other people think about me and care about me during the times I can't remember that any other way. If you've ever been in my office/game room, I'm surrounded by tokens of my friends'/partners'/former students' affection.

The big problem is that… This is kinda the rest of my life. It's a lot of work, with no end in sight if I want to be the person I want to be. Looking out over the horizon of years that I have remaining, however many that might be… The task seems daunting and despair inducing. A prior therapist suggested DBT, but I HAVE the tools to cope, which is what DBT offers. DBT involves twice weekly sessions, one individually and one group, where you learn the skills to deal with your strong emotions, your relationship with attachment, (whether you actively avoid, push away, or attach too strongly,) and develop the tools to handle it. And there's a lot of homework. A LOT. And diary work. And that's why it was never going to work for me. I ALREADY do the mental lists, the metacognition, the identification. The thought of duplicating that work only made the despair worse.

Sometimes I just want to let everything go and be truly reckless for a little while. (No, not like in a stupid "my jokerification moment" kind of way.) Not because I want to hurt other people, but because.. Well, selfishly, it's not fair to have to be this vigilant all the time. It's constant work that I have to do that others don't have to do. It's exhausting and tiring, and there's no therapy that can really address that part of my brain. The frustrating part of therapy and psychiatry is that there's a focus on bringing the patient/client to as close they can to functioning in society, and I put in a LOT of work. There's a lot that I can say about how much it sucks that the SOCIETY we're supposed to be a part of (USA + Capitalism) says, "get on board or fucking die," and does not do any work to accommodate us. But that's a whole other conversation, and this post is already REALLY long.

There's not much of a point here. There's no moral. I guess I just wanted to share my struggle. Maybe someone else will see this and relate. I know it's difficult to find. If you google, "why didn't DBT work for me," you'll get mostly articles talking about how it works for 70-77% of people with BPD, or forum posts telling those asking this question (usually asked in frustrated, despairing tones) that they just didn't work hard enough. Or buy in to the program enough.

I find that insulting. I do work hard, because I think the work is WORTH it. But a lifetime of work like this is daunting when you consider it as a whole, not just as the present. So I try to take it a moment at a time. A day at a time. A week, maybe.

I guess I'll close with a quote from The Good Place. Because I just binge watched it again last weekend.

“I argue that we choose to be good because of our bonds with other people and our innate desire to treat them with dignity. Simply put, we are not in this alone.”

-Chid Anagonye

[alice-bushneva]

How to get rid of boredom once and for all? (If you an average person)

Have I finally found an antidote to one of the most unpleasant feelings that exist? For some of you, definitely. For others, maybe not...

The utility of the following information completely depends on your will. The will not only to understand it but also to apply and actually change old patterns.

I am never bored. And can insist that I know what I'm talking about because:

1. Either way, it definitely works: we can assume that all actions I take in life are leading to not being bored. 2. Either way, I was born with a natural capacity for receiving more emotions (or just having a higher range of them) by doing daily life things - therefore just not needing additional stimulation. 3. I can also assume that it was one of the ways I've been taught. If you have nothing to do, usually equivalent to boredom, my mom would give me tons of home chores to do (because there's always an infinite amount of it :) ). So it might have played a crucial role, but that's not the only reason for sure.

Right now, if it sounds a bit confusing, just keep in mind that we are at a basic level. No need to think of complicated theories; instead, think of how you don't get scared while watching a horror movie, and your mom does. Here you are: different people experience a different range of the same emotion. And it's either a life experience or either an innate predisposition that led to it.

In fact, this made me curious about why people around me experience it so often, while I haven't thought of it once (or at least haven't been using this exact term to describe it). While they're struggling with it, I would have a list of things to do and always be lacking time (it started being a problem at some point until I understood 'the concept' of priorities).

So, boredom is a lack of intellectual and/or physical activity. Activity leads to brain stimulation, which will elicit emotion in response to this outside stimuli.

So, that's what you have to determine on the first place. What exactly are you lacking?

1. Is it a daily routine that is eating you alive (distinctive features are: being okay with your life but finding it all dull and not interesting)? 2. Or have you just mentally overworked (here you're sick of your life, want to be a rebel, just do things to feel something)?

For the first case, an intellectual activity is key. For the second, a physical one.

Two things you can do are:

1. Create a list of potential activities (I heard of people with ADHD doing that - to help manage their attention).

2. Think of it on the spot - and benefit from an element of surprise if it's crucial for you.

That's already what you're doing already, but from now on, just try to be more self-conscious about it. You are already choosing from the activities you know, so the choice is very limited. Probably (since our brain is really lazy - which is actually a good thing! Sometimes :) ), you're choosing the easiest high-dopamine activity such as scrolling TikTok or Insta, masturbation, eating, or less often going out with friends and getting drunk (which is less probable because of the effort required).

Instead of that, I propose you diversify your choices and make it less self-destructive; in fact, even use this time beneficially.

Do not think that I'm telling you to eliminate 'chill' time and work only. NO! Because, for sure, it is really important to have time when you don't consume any information and just do nothing (processing and structuring your thoughts only).

The list should be divided into two categories:

I need an Intellectual activity:

- Become good at something - Favorite study - Math - Talk with people - Express feelings for people - Create something of your own (this works only if you're already good at something; if it's not the case, go back to the first activity proposed). - Make money

I need a physical one:

- "Life dangerous" (without actual life danger - but the one our brain considers as the catalyst for turning on the Basic Survival Instincts), such as swimming, cold shower, etc. - Favorite sport - Quick sport - Sex - Do absolutely nothing (I mean actually just look around you and think about random stuff)

The last piece of advice is: Keep in mind that you know yourself the best, so you have to look at this information through your preferences - only this way you'll be able to create a strong pattern system that is going to work for and not against you.

And keep in mind that: you are the only one responsible for your life.

Bonus for nerds:

So instead of doing top-down decision-making, you're going to be doing bottom-up decision-making. These are the notions Elisabeth Filips (source down below) has been using for describing a simple self-conscious analysis (the ability to understand what we actually need in this particular moment - to be more efficient and actually have control of ourselves and our actions). She introduced it while explaining how to stay focused and avoid any distractions. And by distractions, she meant scrolling = wasting time = procrastinating, while being scared of the upcoming deadline. In our case, there's no deadline, but a need for a pleasant activity. And a lot of people, in order to get it, seek it from sources (social media) that only give half of satisfaction compared to others (moving/thinking).

It's like washing your hands without soap because of not knowing that it exists or being too lazy to use it. So doing that is literally twice less efficient than properly washing them. Not particularly smart, right?

Source: https://elizabeth-filips.notion.site/Deep-Focus-Why-Your-Brain-Needs-Understimulation-f6f677ef8d4e4dcd803c94302817b10f#7d5e1d0d7c7f4c06ab4c48b38a4da146

[seasideretreat]

Decisions

I maintain nonetheless that we must ultimately conclude Sartre's whole philosophy is a bit numbing. People speak about analysis paralysis: I suppose that is the essence of Sartrianism.

Why do I like IT? Because it is animational. It gives a soul to the world. Sure, you can design eco-friendly power plants, but that is just going to throw more buildings into the world, buildings where nothing happens: on a computer, you can play games and music and you can watch movies or read books - animation. Of course, you're gonna wonder, what is the world going to be without the substance of carpentry, physics and chemistry? And the answer is: information. But we do need some substance of course, but I nevertheless feel that if we stop believing in computer science is the day we lose it.

Now for some philosophy: if the whole world consists of atoms, and robots could become infinitely more advanced, what makes it so that humans are sapient and computers are not? Maybe this is the killer question that is the reason religion seems so silly nowadays. We are starting to see that there is little magical about our bodies. We are just machines that are incredibly highly developed. Yet I instinctively feel there are tons of problems with that notion as well. Edsger Dijkstra said that the question whether machines can think is comparable to whether submarines can swim. Clearly, that invites us to think about really advanced water engines that can mimic swimming. So it really seems that thinking can become mechanized. Nevertheless, I gather something is faulty about this. Thinking is connected to mental activity, just like living, writing, reading, speaking and dancing. We have trouble assigning such notions to animals, even though we can see that animals do many lively activities. Despite that, we can't say that animals have minds like we do, simply because they don't speak. We usually ascribe this to their brain-capacity, but some animals with highly advanced brains don't seem to speak either, viz. the octopus or the elephant. Of course the notable exception is dancing. We do say that bees dance, sometimes. Also, singing is an exception, because we do say that whales sing. It seems we are just frantically guarding this notion of speech to keep ourselves in a position of superiority over the animals.

If animals can think, that says nothing about whether robots can think. A striking taciturnity. Kurt Vonnegut once quipped that we are on this Earth to "fart around", i.e. dilly-dally, which seems weirdly true - and maybe it is also a little tragic. Robots have a singular purpose. They can't skylark like humans can. However, we don't really have to do anything to animate the world. We just have to wake, or watch which is the same word. On the other hand, I think it is hard to stay awake when we've got nothing to do. And that brings us back to that primordial question: what to do? And I always answer this with: help people go on holidays. Of course, if everybody did that the world would descend into anarchy, but it can be all right for a while until you figure out what to do, I mean it really is an inexhaustible industry. The world is a dangerous place. Everybody needs to eat. But we can't all be farmers; that's how things used to be, sure, but people farm more efficiently now. I mean, I want to be better with IT, but I don't know if I'll aim at making money from it. Right now I work for the mail, but that can't last forever, and I don't want it to last forever. I don't even really enjoy it.

There was a time when people aimed at being polymaths, the homo universalis. Good in math, good in languages, good in arts, good in sports maybe even, maybe even good at warfare. Leonardo da Vinci is the most important exponent of this, and he wasn't probably that perfect in the last analysis; but I don't suppose polmathists want to be perfect, they just want to be cultivated. Cicero said you have to be a fool to dance. He also said that a house without books was a house without a soul. Certainly, conversation often consists merely of talk, but I do wonder if dancing cannot be a good way to animate the world. The Dutch author Gerard van het Reve said too that his books were meant to "liberate people from the material world." I've just made the same point for computers. But surely there is more to life than working and otiose conversation. But I don't study computer science to animate the world, I just do it because it clears my head. I just need to have something to fix my attention on. As I said, to animate the world, all you need do is wake (that is to say, watch). But I am not anti-religion or anything; you know religion does all these rituals right, that do seem to serve the purpose of animating the world. But it is probably not per se up to us to instigate such celebrations, which are beyond our control. Computers are simpler. That reminds of a quote by John von Neumann: people think mathematics is complicated because they don't realize how complicated life is. Yeah, it really seems like priest is such an interesting job. Doing those rituals really connects you to all those people, and you're personally involved in all those theological disputations that somehow connect to the things you do in the church: it's a lot. But, the real question is what is the soul of a city? Because obviously being a priest is peanuts compared to the vast totality of the society - even though I do think it is a fine job. And the thing is, you should just focus on the task at hand. Animation is not for nothing tied to silly children's entertainers. You could just do random things to animate the world, but that would be foolish, and you could draw silly faces and do weird things, but that would also be foolish. So it's best to just focus on the task at hand. Sometimes that will be IT, and sometimes that will be talking to your neighbour or enjoying a cup of tea. Or if you're a priest, it might be taking a confession from a vexed fellow.

[merlumina]

hi there, tumblr

So after quitting all other social media (twitter, instagram, facebook), I found myself 1) pretty lonely tbh and 2) at a loss for how to keep myself creatively motivated and inspired with nowhere to share my work. I'd heard from several people that tumblr is way more chill these days, and while I hesitated at first, I finally decided to give it a try. After a few weeks of waiting from tech support to regain access to my account (pro tip: don't sign up for anything important with your college email address), I regained access yesterday and spent some time doing some tidying up (i. e. deleting most of my old posts and likes).

So...hi! Feels weird to be back. Life has changed so much in the past seven years. It was interesting going back through old posts to relive those times. Since I was last here, this is what I've been up to:

hollowforest and I got married in 2020. While he was unfortunately not able to propose to me at MAGFest after a particularly victorious round of Gundam Xtreme VS, which would have been rad, we settled for eloping at county jail, which is also a cool story.

Ringo, my cat, is still with us! But now we also have a dog, Haru (named after Persona 5 Haru). Yeah I like dogs now. I like pitt bulls now. 2012 me would never.

After years of self-doubt and self-loathing about my life choices, I actually became what I wanted to be when I grew up - a software developer! In late 2020 I took the plunge to do a coding bootcamp and got really lucky being hired into an apprenticeship program before I'd even graduated. Now I'm making those big coding $$$ working from home, literally living the dream and still kind of in awe.

I joined the Diagnosed with ADHD in My 30s club! (Also, I'm in my 30s now)

We bought a house in October, 2022! I did not think it would be possible for the longest time, but due to the big job upgrade we were finally able to afford it.

I've played a lot of video games, but not beaten that many.

I picked up game dev as a hobby and have made a few small games during game jams.

My mental health is overall a lot better now! Part of that is from therapy, part of that is from self reflection, part of that is maybe just growing up. See also: quitting aforementioned social medias.

Improved mental health aside, my hangups about my artistic abilities and creative capacity still haven't improved any in the past 10 years. It's one of my biggest personal insecurities, but also one of the reasons I'm trying Tumblr again! I wanted somewhere to post my practice routine to keep myself accountable, as well as a place to get inspiration from other artists.

I'm going to make a concerted effort to keep this blog focused on art and personal things that make me happy. After I left Tumblr in 2016 I started working on myself and trying to focus on bringing more empathy into my interactions with others. Whether or not I've been successful at that is another matter, but in general it has helped me be a happier person. I am not interested in participating in Discourse. I don't think you can judge the "goodness" of a human based on a handful of things they've said/done online, and I won't be made to cast judgment on anyone. I think we should spend less time tearing down people in our own communities and more time asking why it's so easy for the people in power to trick us into fighting each other. In general, the overall vibe that everyone's social media account is a personal soapbox where they can make declarations about what is Right and what people Should be doing makes me uncomfortable. So I'm going to try not to do any more of that here. I do like still having those discussions sometimes, but I prefer a more personal venue, where I feel like I'm talking with people rather than at them.

Let's be cool to each other! -Liz / merlumina

[5p0ints]

ive been lost in my faith for a long time now. i had no faith and i have been mourning while not really mourning. there was no moving on, i was just stuck in that awful feeling of absence. i decided to stop actively worshiping because there was no love in what i was doing, every offering i gave, every practice i took part in, they all came from a place of guilt and obligation. it was hurting both the Gods and myself.

last night, i began thinking about my faith once again. everything i had lost finally hit. i realized i was in a dark rut, one of guilt and confusion. so, to get myself out, i looked to answer a question that i have never had a clear answer to since the beginning of my practice.

"why do we give offerings?"

i always thought it was for petitions or as a thank you. but that ideal slowly formed into appeasement based on my own jumped-to and ill-founded conclusions. even though i know these conclusions were illogical, i still felt shackled by them. the emotions i was experiencing were holding me back from being able to offer and worship out of love. ive always known that Hellenism was about love, but through my mental health struggles, i didnt have the capacity or forethought to put that love forward.

so i sought out the true answer. not having this answer was causing my footing to be unsteady. i found this website and it changed everything. it answered the question i asked, plus many more that i wasnt even aware i was lost on. it gave me so much guidance. i needed that guidance.

one of the beginning passages stuck with me.

"...we do not propitiate or need to appease Gods, because the nature of the Gods is completely good and they are not petty despite some mythology that may imply otherwise; they never desire to harm us and are by nature favorably inclined towards us."

and then there was a section on Ǽrôs.

direct passage:

"In Ællinismόs, the progressed soul is attracted to the great beauty and goodness of the Gods. This attraction is called Ǽrôs (Eros, Ἔρως). Our Ǽrôs immediately gains the attention of the Gods, who have been awaiting our invitation. Why do the Gods await our invitation? It is because there is a great law that the Gods do not violate our freedom and our conscience: they do not demand our worship. But when we discover deity and find it beautiful and are attracted to it, this is an invitation; we are inviting the Gods into our life, and there is an immediate flow of Ǽrôs back from the Gods to us; the Gods feel our attraction and perceive that it is beautiful. Therefore, when we make offerings to Gods, the offering actually represents the Ǽrôs flowing back and forth between Gods and man. When we feel the great Ǽrôs surging toward us from the Gods, we desire to express our gratitude and love. We do this by offering the Ǽrôs back to the Gods. That is why we make the offering, whether it be a libation of wine, incense, or whatever one wishes. The offering represents the Ǽrôs or attraction to the beauty of the Gods, and it represents the Ǽrôs flowing from the Gods to us, that we receive from them and return to them in order to honor them and express our love and appreciation for them. This is the reason why we drink some of the libation or eat some of the food offerings; we are receiving the Ǽrôs as well as offering the Ǽrôs. Without Ǽrôs, our offerings are meaningless, the smoke from our incense blows about and is never savored by the Gods:

'He (ed. Ǽrôs) interprets between Gods and men, conveying and taking across to the Gods the prayers and sacrifices of men, and to men the commands and replies of the Gods; he is the mediator who spans the chasm which divides them, and therefore in him all is bound together, and through him the arts of the prophet and the priest, their sacrifices and Mysteries and charms, and all prophecy and incantation, find their way. For God mingles not with man; but through Love (ed. Ǽrôs) all the intercourse and converse of God with man, whether awake or asleep, is carried on.' "

with this entire passage, i understood everything. it all made sense. i finally understood what it all was for, and that i was right in it all being about love. that Hellenism is a religion of reciprocity and the flow of Æros from the Gods from myself back to the Gods and back to myself. giving love is receiving love and receiving love is giving love. its equal. it feels like the first time i have ever stood on equal ground in any type of love. i learned that offerings are a way to continue the flow of Æros, and that they are "spontaneous, natural, and bountiful."

for the first time in my faith, in my whole life, i feel free.