#we dont even have plans lmao....
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really fucking grinds my gears how my dad knows just how to make me feel fucking guilty for putting up boundaries and saying no
#not even for a major thing!#barely setting a boundary even! just saying i don’t want to do smth!#asking me if i want to go for dinner one evening when he knows i work late most days and have said this for years - in fact said this exact#thing to him last week - so when i say no bc i finish late he just pushes and pushes#until im like this doesn’t work for me AND i hate eating out i dont want to go. just go with my brother that’s fine. and he’s suddenly#blunt as fuck in his messages leaving me on read or guilting me about the hours i work….. like get a fucking grip your over 50 bro#i try to be polite with it but he just gets in a fucking mood like please you are a Loser#i see you weekly (smth HE chose when i was a bairn) like im not making my job and life harder just bc you feel bad that you don’t see me#more often now#also i only hate eating out with him!! because it’s awkward!! i like to be in and out when i eat with friends and we’re all the same about#it bc we’re all very autistic lmaooo but with him he likes to chat and chat and chat which is fine but i don’t.. and he asks more personal#questions than when we’re just at his as if im gonna open up just bc we’re eating thai food 🙄🙄🙄🙄#like you Don’t get to know if im seeing anyone or if im queer or even if ive got fucking plans to go away with friends tbh#like deadbeat dads that try to emotionally manipulate their kids get minimal information actually !! 🤓☝️#stelle yaps#fuck sake#i knew he’d start doing this when my brother was back - he’s always played us off each other and he always gravitates towards whichever is#the ‘easiest’ child at the time which is my brother ever since i became an adult lmao#i just don’t tolerate his shit and i let him know it whereas e will play along#me and my dad are too similar in that we both know how to really cut deep in the other :/#it just all sucks#please please feel free to ignore#i just need to vent like hell bc he winds me up a treat so bad
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tdov was like a week ago already but I just wanna say when I came over to vacation slash help my sworn brother move flat he told me, "ever since you said you wanted to get top surgery I've been thinking about it. it's straight up number two on my bucket list"
#bakuspeech#number one is a house bc obviously. if u can own a house wouldnt u#he was very drunk at that time of the evening. I was not bc I have the constitution of a hot air balloon and any stimulant will blow me up#(relatively new development. france fucked me up big time turns out)#we held hand on his bed for like the whole evening. it was honestly very funny in hindsight but we were extremely earnest in the moment#and Im like. working on this thing as well. I dont got meds or therapy lmao Im bootstrappin here#but yeah early last year his bf offered to get me meds and I... turned it down... I think I was worried abt like. idk. something#but one year past looking back Im fully like that was a stupid move you shouldve gotten meds. youve once again fucked urself baku#but yeah with that kinda realization Ive also come to realized I've somewhat? accepted. that I'm just gonna be. like this#this in light of a number of likely chronic stuff too (hence my balloon-like constitution lmao) and#that's kinda bled into the rest of me without me really noticing#but him bringing that up fully unprompted... kinda jolted me out of it#its just. really incredibly sweet. that someone doesn't want me to settle for what I make do with#and like. preps for that work. just kinda held my hand and told me it's possible to do this actually#I didn't really express how I felt very well in that moment I think my brain is very bad and I process emotions with like a day of delay#but. well. Im thinking abt it Right Now. so yknow thats the kind of impact that had on me lol#not super sure why I wrote all this down here really. I think I just want a good n nice reminder that object permanence is real#and I exist in my friends' life even when Im going insane in a hole by myself#and with the power of friendship we can alter the universe's plan for ourselves and also kill god#that's that. anyways I eat lunch now and then pass out probably. last night was... eventful lmao#but!! very good things on the horizon hopefully. well manifestly we hold hammers and we use them#have a good day lads. let's go out and slay monsters under a highway
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Acorn Anne visits some Mulberry trees that are in need of healing. please send a small offering of dry, warm air through your closest fairy ring and Acorn Anne will direct it to the leaves of both trees. thank you for your cooperation 🫡
#ok i learned the fungus on my trees is not life threatening and is worse in wet summers#apparently stronger and healthier trees are more resistant to it too#which if the rest of the neighborhood is anything to go by i think my trees are a bit healthier#that is good to see#they need a good trim though#anyway send dry air it might rain this week which i do love bc we always need rain in texas#but if you send the dry air in the fairy ring acorn anne can reserve it for next summer and maybe they can be healthier then#since its almost autumn rn anyway#actually send me some spoons through the ring too bc i need to trim their branches and rake the fungus leaves up#i dont plan on raking the normal autumn leaves but apparently keeping the fungus leaves off the ground can help#thank you in advance for any contributions you make ok love you byeeee#my clown#acorn anne syrup#clownblr#clownin around#clown shenanigans#clown doll#porcelain clown doll#PS if you send dry air through the portals i will also have Acorn Anne send you back any mulberries we happen to get if any#i have NO clue if these trees will produce fruit lmao i have no experience with mulberry trees at all#even though apparently these are native to my area#seems like in the 60s they still planted native trees instead of *clenches fist* bradford pears#unreality
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There is gonna be more than that coming from the poll, but whatever it is vote Kacchan/Deku for best hero. Idc who wins i just need them to be together again
if they just announced it today without saying anything before, I would probably immediately do it.
Right now im just bitter because of the hype -I thought it would at least slightly relate to the actual story (adaptations of other stories, extra content for the volume which once again may I remind everyone is extremely short, almost half what a manga volume usually looks which is a huge problem).
This disappointed me extremely, as its not even related to any content from the manga beyond the characters it uses. I get that many ppl will work on this, and that artist will get excited over being able to get the spotlight, some will be able to ask specific questions, and a character will get a statue and a movie.
Still extremely disappointed because of the "special project will be announced on the 5th *wink wink*".
I can't feel excitement over it as, in my mind, I lost something that felt better -more content related to the story. So at best this would be "oh cool I can try it", a feeling pretty similar to the other announcements -not my favorite thing in the world, but I wont reject it and try to see what comes out of it.
This isnt at best to me right now
#grrr talking#grrr being a hater#literally one of the special things was already announced -the fan book#bc im feeling negative I will say negative stuff here so beware#as far as I saw the fan book is a way of getting another product without paying artists#and days before we already knew it would happen#the statue thing feels like the art exhibition like okay thats cool still doesnt compare to more stories like at all#and I will never see any of that in person ever so why would I get extra happy about that?#I know this is an homage so we can feel like we are closer to their world and all but the statues have a bad connotation there#vote so we can see the protagonist and the deuteragonist in a movie#im sorry why do we need to massively vote so they get content? they are literally the most important characters#and what would even be the movie about? For all I know they could do whatever they wanted with the characters#a movie based on who the most popular character is... great. unless passionate ppl are involved in the project it doesnt sound like a good#a good story could come out of it#as its based on who is most popular among voters not an actual story the characters need#so unless 278 characters already have backstories and stuff planned that would get explored in a movie#i dont trust what they could do with this#and I dont want to give them my hope. They didnt need to make an announcement for the announcement#that only has made me feel super bitter#will I get over it later in the day? probably#I still want to express myself#the only thing in my mind about using this opportunity is still bitter lmao#just asking why didnt you make them hold hands#because I can try to justify it with my own theories#but that doesnt mean anything now does it
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Them doing a photo lineup of the mugis for the battle and when it's Robin's turn she just turns and does a blue eyed stare at the camera 😭😭
Look at her 😭😭
#i have a question about the heart pirates.... they just look like doctor's assistants... they dont even have weapons and for all we've seen#the only one who maybe can fight is the big guy and he's new... and bepo is the navigator and draws shit maps... how does the crew work.....#well all minks can fight but idk if bepo was trained in zou.... so....#why is sanji's little dance now moving his ass side to side akdhaksk#oh finally!!! shachi and penguin are swordmen and bepo kicks!! we really haven't seen much of them... idr if they did much in sabaody#honestly if law just took his friends for the ride and took care of everything else.... respect#the animation..... JESUS CHRIST!!!!!#there really was no need to bound man now but alas it looks cool#denjiro ITS TIME!!! YEAAAAAAHHH#the wig..... dramatic reveal....#kinemons plan being misunderstood and working becausw of it ajdhajshsj#and what boats did they destroy??? lmaoo??#luffys fit kinda falls apart on his orange jorts... purple and orange okay but red too??? mmm.....maybe red and purple dont match either....#kinemom saying he might die bc he has used up all his life's good luck HAJAHAAJAJ#okay lets finish that last boat but can someone get momo.... please.....#LAW!!! SHAMBLES!!!! GET MOMO!! its so funny how they complain about him not drawing like shit anymore ajdhaks#talking tag#watching one piece#episode 980#sanji can fly come on now....#come on now sanji..... dont let a theatre adult win... well nvm what is that... lmao sanji just taking hits instead of taking nami inside#also the fact that tokis fruit is around now.... who has that power.... or did it go.back in time to appear in her original time???#the orchestral strings version of the first opening as momo flies away..... damn#OMG JINBEEEEE!!!! HE DESTROYS THE SHIP! SERVES CUNT! AND ANNOUNCES HE IS JOINING THE CREW!!! FUCK YEAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!#luffy is so happy akdhsksj ME TOO!!!! FINALLY!!!!!#episode 979#<- fucked up.again#luffy loves jinbe so much i really love their relationship!!!!! that's his father now. shanks who
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I haven't been on in a fucking while, life's been crazy yo.
If it makes up for it at all I'm almost done writing a moderately (read: extremely) angsty & smutty ShigaDabi oneshot featuring trans Dabi that may or may not fall into the Light at the End of the Night universe (I haven't decided yet, we'll see what happens lmao) as well as most of the next chapter for the main fic.
I really appreciate everyone who has been so patient with my sporadic updates and I'm gonna go through my asks and answer some of them today, too.
#forreal tho shit has been rough#go ahead and skip out on the tags if you dont wanna hear me bitch about my life lmao#it feels safer talking about it in the tags idk#anyway#pregnancy tw and miscarriage tw for the rest of the tags#you've been warned#the husband and i have been trying for baby no 3#which wasn't even a thing we planned until i got pregnant on accident#and we decided we were like hella happy about adding to the family#and then i miscarried#and then i miscarried again#and again#total of 4 fucking times with no idea why despite many dr appts#finally managed to hold onto a fetus for longer than 16wks tho and the chance of a miscarriage is very small now so yay
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yall I want TDS3 tickets so badly 😭 but I don't know who to even go with and I'm not going by myself.... but I'm also seriously thinking I'm just gonna go ahead and try to get tickets on friday anyway
#last year i went with my mom and she enjoyed it#but im not entirely sure she wants to go again#and then my best friend doesn't like kpop at all lmao#but I don't know i might be able to get her to go w me but#i dont know how she'll feel about the traveling in chicago by ourselves thing#bc when we last went there together for a concert we were with her ex and he did the driving#so my last option is my brother lol because i asked the other day if he wants to go to chicago#and he did say yes so i told him attendance at the concert is mandatory#kpop is also absolutely not his genre of music#even though he listens to a little bit of a lot of stuff like country and pop and broadway musicals#like dude you'd love the theatrics of kpop and the gaybaiting they do? thats something he might like#and then one of my choices was my moms best friend bc she said after she saw my moms videos of tds2#that she wanted to go see a kpop concert because she loves showmanship so she saw the eras tour and#fell in love so i think she would like kpop. she loved the wrist light things TS did so lightsticks are definitely#something she'd enjoy and the choreography#i really think it's just the language barrier that's preventing my brother and best friend from wanting to go#and the language barrier that keeps my mom and her best friend from probably enjoying the music as much#because my mom loved one direction so a kpop boyband isn't too far off from that#oh also i think my friend will tell me no because i've already turned her down for plans like a week or two before that#because i won't have PTO to use at work because i'll have just gotten back from a vacay that uses i all#and then i'm gonna turn around and take 2 days off for a concert (travel time sucks)
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me realizing some people were emotionally hit by the twist that it's a dream sequence while i was watching it the whole time absolutely sure it wasn't real but still worried it might be and thinking about how the true horror was shauna being all touchy feely towards the baby
#happy for the people just to be clear i wish i didnt feel let down by this ep#but i felt super underwhelmed and it felt very#hm. like. oh my god are you scared of rly getting into pregnancy as horror. you were setting up shauna as someone who is A BAD PARENT#a fucked up parent even from the first scenes of the pilot#and shes having a baby as a 17yo (18? by now? whatever) in the wilderness. the pregnancy reveal caused her best friend's death#and shes not shown to give a fuck abt that baby before its born either like#you rly want me to get hit emotionally with this? well im too busy trying to figure out why shauna is acting like uh#a woman who just gave birth to a planned baby she wanted lmao#like my god can we PLEASE have tv thats unafraid to show pregnancy as horror#and characters who dont feel that quote unquote magical 'maternal' haze blah blah forgot abt all the pain bc oh look at the fucking baby#sorry im disappointed#just to be clear im not one of the I Hate Kids freaks in fact i adore children i just hate pregnancy and would rather die than get pregnant#was p excited for fucked up pregnancy shit and we got this . lifetime lukewarm take on shauna pregnancy#someone write horror shauna pregnancy fic i swear this has to be done#anyways. rant over#yellowjackets spoilers#yellowjackets blogging
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heads up i finally scrambled together enough brain power and caught up with cultivate and i am not going to be normal about it and im going to make it everyone elses problem <33
#cultivate🥰🥰🤗☺️😊🤩😊🤗🥰🥰🤩☺️🤗🥰#ykno that feeling when u have a beloved fic but are not in the right vibe to read it even tho you want to so you gotta wait#until that breaks because its so good and you dont want to ruin the experience and it deserves the right vibes tm or am i tripping-#fhkjfhdkANYWAY IFINALLY DID AND 🥰🥰🥰🥰💖💖💖 hdkjfhs#sooner or later doodles are back on the menu boys because im sooooooooo normal about this fic aha smile :))))))))#speaking of being normal#BEES BESS HBBEES BEES BEES BES BEES AHHAHAHA#LISTEN im gonna sound like a loonie right noW BUT LISNETN#ever since those arctic bees were mentioned way beck when I DID NOT. STOP THINKING ABOUT THEMM. buzzing in my brain THIS WHOLE TIME#and ever since then i was like ☺️what if that concept actually showed up aha 🤗 and it wasnt just throwaway LQG thought ☺️aha#AND I KNOW THIS ISNT EVEN MAYBE A CALLBACK TO IT I KNOW I KNOW OK MAYBE IM CRAZY BUT LET ME HAVE THIS#crystal cave bees are a callback to arctic bees in my heart 💖#you dont understand fuzzy litol blue bbys so beloved i was even planning to sneak them into a future piece thats in the microwave lmao#AND NOW THEYRE PROPERLY CANON AYO B))#speaking of future pieces absolutely do not let me forget that i wanna do bai zhan and taoren spouses outfits properly thats also very 💖💖#im just waiting if we get more details on howd they look#ok enough rambling more sleeping gbyyyeeee
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i will genuinely never understand my dad!!! and i feel guilty for being confused and angered by him!!!! i don't know what he wants and i doubt i ever will
i guess he's known that he's had cancer for over a month now but never told me. and i dont know if it's because he wanted me to reach out/pay attention to him, as he's done in the past or if he just didn't think to, or if it's some other third mysterious reason that i can't think up
we aren't close since he was rarely in my life but i feel like that's something you tell your kid.
and the only reason i found out is because i went to go check and see why he hadn't replied to my message about asking if he wanted to hang out for the thousandth time without getting a response
#[static]#he tells me 'kid im gonna change i miss you i love you we need to hang out more im sorry that i wasnt around'#and then when we try and make plans it's like pulling teeth to get him to follow through#and sure there's been a couple of times in my life where ive had to back out of plans with him but like .....#we're talking less times than i have fingers on one hand in 30 years lol meanwhile he disappears for years without a word regularly#i thought we got somewhere last year when i decided to reach out after i stopped talking to him#we're both adults and we're busy but i somehow manage to have regular scheduled dnd games with 4 other adults twice a month#and i cant get my biological father who claims to want to know me reply to a message#and i know i know i know he's got his own demons and battles but i s2g it's just Frustrating because i dont know what he wants from me#i dont fuck with indecision and i dont like not knowing where i stand with someone#i know that he wont reach out to people in hopes they 'care enough' about him to do it#but like dude .......... SHOW THAT YOU CARE ABOUT ME TOO WTF#i want to be unendingly compassionate to him since he's gotta figure out what he's gonna do regarding his throat cancer#but like ..... what am i supposed to do with this lmao he saw my message and didn't reply and maybe he's busy#but he also didnt reply to any of my other messages asking to make time to see each other#but then he called me this summer to see if i was in town when he was there (and i wasn't and it was out of the blue)#he also posted a lowkey transphobic comedy sketch on his page which is weird because that's not really his politics but also he's old#and i can just hear exactly what he'd say about it if i tried to even bring it up to him ever#idk what he wants from me but i sometimes think even he doesn't know#i think we missed our time to mend things into something that makes sense#anyways sorry for the vent into the void i just got new information and dealing with stuff about my dad is always difficult#i have rarely felt wanted by him and have never felt seen for who i am either
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my 'ive given up on life but i cant live off maple syrup marshmallows and peanut butter sandwhiches i need to get groceries' outfit. for some reason it looks like i took this in daylight but its dark as night outside despite only been 6 and its the most depressing thing i should have gotten groceries in the sunlight ugh hindsight.
#journal shit#see here's the thing and its a thing specific to LA.#all my friends here need two weeks of notice to plan anything because everyone is so damn busy#so me keeping this entire weekend free under the assumption that we would do something was big for me lmao haha im so dumb#like i knew i wouldnt have time to see him during the conference and i planned no volunteering this weekend to make up for it#he must have known in advance he was gonna do this or had some hint??? a text message that cold is not a sudden decision#meanwhile i was still daydreaming about airplane museum trips and bringing him to the rest of my favorite running spots and blah blah blah#i got blindsided and i get to be the one stuck without plans#i guess you cant really give two weeks notice for the Hey This Isnt Working Out text though lollllll#im not mad at him i dont even really blame him that much im just lonely
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I need the strength to clean... I have a friend that is supposed to come over tomorrow, but they have bailed the last 3-5 times I invited them so I have no drive
#they dont even pretend to want to reschedule too which is ass esp since they will cancel the day of and like i get shit happens but come on#we are supposed to get korean fried chicken and she wants to see lily the onky reason why im cleaning lmao#txt#and like i get people have lives i dont but i get it or if we do hang out it gets cut short for some bullshit reason like ok#and she complains shes so bored!!! but if im not the one to reach out no plans get made#i wanna sit and crochet or play l&ds tbh
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well everyone now that sparkstember is over i can now devote my energy to being insane in other still sparks-related ways
#planning my next projects#on the one hand glad to not have to get a whole video done in the span of like 2 hours every day#on the other hand it was a fun creative challenge that gave me a sense of purpose. it was fun#but i need to keep myself busy as we descend into winter and ✨seasonal depression✨#if i dont get it done today over the next couple days im going to make something silly for goofball's upcoming birthday#and then once that's done i dont know. i want to get back to work on my screenplay and try to FINISH IT!! but idk how long that'll take#i also have to finally finish watching that film course i bought oops. maybe ill start it over#and then?????????#i have a vague Idea of a possible short film i could make. that would also be like a kind of prequel to my Main Film Idea#and its something i could actually reasonably do as a short film and its not like insanely big budget like every other idea i have is#and I'm debating abt emailing my old film teacher and being like heyyyyy maybe you could help me make this short film????#but id want to have this idea way more planned out and written before then. but OUGH WRITING ANOTHER SCREENPLAY???#WHEN I HAVEN'T EVEN FINISHED MY FIRST ONE??? sigh.#the road to making my Big Great Movie is long and arduous. will we get there. who knows#oh also debating abt writing a letter to those silly guys. but i don't knowwwww#OH lmao i keep forgetting to mention i finally got my passport (it actually came earlier than expected)#so like. goodbye everyone im heading to the sydney opera house on halloween (JOKE i am not that insane. but i wish i could)
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it's really annoying when I tell people I require direct, straightforward communication and ask them to say what they mean at all times, as well as take my words exactly as they are. usually people will agree and be ok with it for a bit. but they always seem to suddenly forget. they will start saying things and mean something else, or refuse to elaborate and explain. or they will suddenly start misinterpreting what I say and add meanings to my words that arent even there. it ALWAYS happens and I do not understand why
#lee rants#autistic#autism#actually autistic#autistic friendship#my past friend group all agreed. then they suddenly started acting weird. i tried to be as direct as i could#but then i was suddenly told im gaslighting without explanation by one person and completely misinterpreted by another#then they uninvited only me from the group trip without a legitimate explanation after promising i cam go for months#and i was actually the one tbat planned the trip so thats even worse. i STILL dont know why i was “gaslighting” or kicked out#another time that comes to mind. i shared a hotel with some girls for a concert. i thought i became friends with one#she was like the perfect friend i was looking for. i thought we got along great. after a few weeks of talking on twitter#i found she was “subtweeting” me bad things instead of saying them directly to me. her words didn't match her intentions#then blocked me without warning IF YOU HATE ME JUST SAY IT DONT MAKE ME WASTE MY TIME TRYING TO BE YOUR FRIEND YOU STALE HOTDOG WATER HUMAN#i still want to know what her issue was and why she acted that way and want to tell her shes a pathetic loser for being like that#i did nothing wrong. unless being nice and supportive and a friend is wrong lmao (its not. shes just very wrong and bad at being a person)#i hate that autistic brain CRAVES TO HAVE ANSWERS IT WILL NEVER GET
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i simsed my ideal apartment :]
#THE FURNITURE IS JUST PLACEHOLDERS LMAO my actual furniture would be much nicer...#also We r ignoring the fact that i didnt have room to put a desk 😭😭 in my irl dream apartment there would be a desk in a little nook#i will perhaps finish this some other day.. whos 2 say#its also annoying bc its. an apt obv but even tho ts4 'has' 'apartments'. you all know what i mean LOL#also the ts4 apts are all fucking huge likee. and i legit hate the fact you cant build yr own apt building 😭😭 it legit means that if you#want to have an apt it HAS to be in san myshuno and like. man apartments exist outside of cities and also it gets rly fucking tiring to pic#from the same 3 ugly ass stupid layout ass apartments everytime u wanna move a sim into an apartment. but whatever#but no like i said the sims 4 apartments r all fucking gigantic but also shaped in such a way that its like. impossible to make a good floo#plan.... it sucks :[[#like i dont wanna live in a shoebox or anything but i dont need a like. 5000 square feet apt or whatever...#but ya this is missing some things id have as well just due to. limitations of the game. id also want to have a coat closet a linen closet#etc... i lovee little closets#and obviously id also have A closet closet bc as is nowhere for my sim 2 put clothes!#ill see abt drawing a floorplan for a more likee real life of what id want
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the funniest thing about even is that they concluded that being loved was not worth the price and picked out someone specifically who they believed would not form an attachment to them, giving them the security of knowing how this relationship would work, only for the master to. get attached to them.
#and i know i joke ‘lmao this is so bad for both of them’ but of course its more complicated than that.#i dont think it made either of them better people necessarily but like. they did grow as a result of Having To Form A Bond To Survive#even is angrier and less eager to please. they’ve gotten scarily better at justifying their actions. moved on from ‘lying to the people you#love to protect them is okay’ to ‘murder is acceptable if we have a greater plan to pursue’#(and i say ‘acceptable’ and not fine because. even doesn’t have to like it to choose missy’s plan in the end.#i can tell you the worst fight they’ve had in a long time is when that plan fails and missy teleports herself away to her tardis where even#is waiting. even. who earlier. first of all. guinea pig for this teleporting thing. that part they’re fine with. they are Not Fine with#missy having locked the tardis so when even gets sent there they can’t *leave*. so that’s argument one.#argument two is then that the plan got bloody. argument three is that it Didn’t Fucking Work. and then argument four is less argument and#more. missy just got turned down by her best friend-enemy and even blames missy for that happening and then they start hitting each other.#well. even threatens to kill her and make it stick. missy calls their bluff. then there’s hitting and blood. missy doesn’t threaten. she#just starts. and even doesn’t call her bluff. even waits. missy is the one who realizes she’s not going to go through with it.)#(it really doesn’t say anything good about their relationship that missy realizing she can’t and won’t kill even is. a bad thing.)#dw oc
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