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tk-duveraun · 2 years ago

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@pangolinheart i tried to write an ask and it got too long hahahaha lmaorip

You've activated my ADHD.

Coming up with interesting concepts for characters has never been a particular strong suit of mine (which is why I'm terrible at TTRPGs like D&D).

If you have attempted to play a TTRPG and felt like your character/your playing was boring that is not your fault. TTRPGs are a collaborative affair and the right DM for you could have pulled out the cool shit.

I actually did a write up on how to create a character last year.

I think it's likely you've been convinced by something in your life that you're not creative. Criticised too harshly, mean comments, comparing your own ideas unfavorably to people far more practiced, who knows.

Enjoying and participating so much in ask games shows that your creativity is there it just has to be teased out correctly. Like I said in my other ask, I have so much practice teasing out ideas. I've read so many books teaching me how to do it and I've spent years practicing the skill constantly (thanks ADHD).

Constraint breeds creativity. You know this because when you get a prompt in an ask box, you have an answer, but when you're asked "What's the cool thing about my OC?" you come up with nothing. That's just how human brains work with this kind of stuff!

It's hard to break down the process bc I have severe ADHD, but let me try.

So, personally, I try to design characters with "What would be funniest?"

So Lian is au'ra and all min sliders. So it would be funny if she had a bunch of younger brothers that were just GIANTS. Right? That's funny. Let's throw in more siblings because that makes it funnier, right?

So now the facts we have:

Lian is the oldest of 7 kids

Lian is the Warrior of Light

Lian can fight

Lian has the Echo

Lian is a Raen Au'ra

So we take these facts and run them past the list of potential character/personality archetypes

Eldest daughters are often portrayed as super responsible and protective. This can also come with resentment for having to have looked after their siblings.

So I like the first part, but I don't want resentment. Resentment isn't funny. What would be more funny? If she wanted to parent her siblings, but her parents were like "No, you're a CHILD" and didn't let her.

Now we have a character with a bunch of younger siblings who is a hero saving the realm and desperately wanted to be the mom to her sibs and now it's the Scions' problem. Mom-friend overdrive, especially with the twins.

Enter Estinien. He was my first choice wolmance. He's a horrible raccoon of a man and I love him so much.

So I start going through scenarios and it's not looking great. Mom-friend, mostly-well-adjusted Lian is just gonna end up being a kind of weird therapist to our raccoon man.

But you know what our raccoon man has that we can leverage? A dead family. .... .. :)

So, now Lian's family is dead, they have beautiful mutual survivor's guilt and are gonna fuck about it.

But wait, there's more! I just did the DRK quest. Ishgardians killed a bunch of au'ra for looking kinda dragon-y? :))))))))))))))))))

Estinien is openly hostile and aggressive towards Lian at first.

Well now we need some kind of explanation for what happened to Lian's family. What could kill off 9+ people in one fell swoop? Guess who's in Stormblood now :) Lian's from an underwater raen village. You know what is great at killing 9+ people in isolated villages? Disease :))))))))))))))))))))) Not gonna lie, COVID being on definitely contributed to this.

So Lian's family all died to illness. How did she survive? Was she not there? Zero percent chance she was not there. Too much filial piety for that. So she got sick, but didn't die.

Let's lean into it, take it one step further. Not only did she get sick, she was patient 0. Now the survivor's guilt is even guiltier.

She would have been considered severe bad luck at best by her village, so she feels she has to leave. Well, how does one, orphaned, get from under the sea near Yanxia to Eorzea? Not easily. It was difficult, she couldn't speak the language, she was surely set upon by bandits...

Over time these elements developed into the conceit that Lian can't die. She didn't die from the illness, she didn't die on the way to Eorzea or anything that came to that point.

And now I have something I can leverage into the Big Bang fic where Lian gets speared through at the end of The Vault, and fucking dies but also doesn't die and Haurchefant is super fucked up about it, because no one else seemed to notice or care. They just assumed she was fine.

What I'm getting at is, when I made Lian, I wasn't in the CC thinking "Okay, now the Blessing of Light makes her immune to death for reasons of enjoyable story :)"

I was in the CC thinking "Dragon girl!!!! Dragon girl from asia? Okay I am really into Cdramas, let's make her ~Chinese instead of ~Japanese like Yugiri, DRAGON :))))"

The rest came in increments over time. Taking each new idea and then leaning on it, squeezing it until I had the maximum interesting stuff come out.

Next time you do an ask game, when you write your answer, once you finish, read it again and go "okay, but how can I make this more extreme? More funny? More tragic? More cute?"

Just rinse and repeat and ta da your character is just as cool and complex as everyone else's!

#lian feng #character design #writing advice

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clover-the-awesomest · 11 months ago

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Really really wanna just answer as many of these as I can so I’m gonna do just that. Fuck you. I do what I want.

——

Espio and Sonic, (STH comics) Hunter, (TOH) Lance and Keith, (VLD) Disaster Twins, (ROTTMNT) Beelzebub, (Helluva Boss) Commander Peepers, (WOY) MK, Macaque, and Tang, (LMK) and I guess Shadow and Renegade from Sonic Prime.

Flamethrower.

Nope! Even keep the blinds over the window because my parents warned me long ago that creeps could climb up my window and look at me sleeping. Highly unlikely cuz I’m on the second floor and we don’t have anything that can be used for climbing up a goddamn wall, but I still keep the window closed cuz otherwise my room gets cold… Don’t like the cold, especially when asleep.

idk, uhhhh… Aliens…? That doesn’t count does it? (I only believe in the slight possibility of there being aliens btw)

Hazel!

idk cuz it was fun

Scrunchies…? I don’t see the difference.

None cuz I left mine downstairs 🥺

No coffee. I’m hyper enough as is. (ADHD gremlin)

Only if they try to slaughter me first 🤷‍♀️

Art class…? Or maybe lunch…? Idfk

It’s a kind of day

BROTHER I WAS EATING ALL GODDAMN DAY I THINK IM FINE FOR NOW (As of writing this lol)

YES OMG The smell of everything before and after it rains is so beautiful and tranquil… It all smells so damp and so clean, so fresh… Like every single plant in the world had just been watered and taken care of. I love it so so incredibly much. My favorite smell in the whole world hands down.

Nope!

Not yet!

idk. All I know is that I don’t need glasses.

Shampoo and conditioner

Never have but yes (Be warned. I will most likely fuck up)

Neither I say coke because our mini-fridge is full of either that or seltzer and it’s so annoying BECAUSE INSTEAD IT SHOULD BE FULL OF WATER BECAUSE WATER IS DELICIOUS AND IT IS ACTUALLY THE HEALTHIEST DRINK OUT THERE. WHY DO THE RESIDENTS OF THIS HOUSEHOLD LOVE COKE AND SELTZER SO MUCH.

Like. All of my favorite stuffed animals. Shockingly enough I didn’t have a lot so it was easy to keep them all.

Someone who’s humor is heavily based on cartoons and sarcasm.

Eh. I don’t like it, but as long as I plan for it then it’s manageable.

Nothing. I would not be going on that rooftop. (Deathly afraid of heights)

Deodorant.

Me as a little toddler seeing the face of someone I haven’t seen in a long, long time…

idk like 7 or something?

Nope!

HOT. BURNING HOT. Not enough to hurt or be scalding, but there are those days where you just wanna make it a few hundred degrees hotter…

Bruh if I had dirty dishes in my room they’d never hear the end of it from me. (And I’d never hear the end of it from my mom)

idk whatever fits with the story in my head that day

Not really A favorite towel but a bunch of favorite towels. So yes.

Exploring new routes to take for when I go on walks down the street. It had a sign that said “Children” and my lil bro was with me so we went.

Yep! “Alice” by Peggy, “Overwhelmed” by Ryan Mack, and “Writing on the Wall” by Will Stetson. There are more but I have to actually look up the song title to know what it’s called and for me to remember the lyrics) Oh and also a ton of Crush 40 songs too!

idk and I won’t tell you. (For privacy reasons)

I DIDNT KNOW I COULD DO THAT????????

Oh a very near and dear friend. We don’t talk much anymore but her mom is a family friend so we still meet up from time to time.

No it’s gross

Yes

Don’t drink coffee but if I would I’d probably take it black like my soul-

YouTube! Love binging the same videos over and over again! AND ONG THE ANIMATION SCENE ON YOUTUBE RIGHT NOW IS INSANE IM SO HAPPY FOR ALL THE INDIE ANIMATORS OVER THERE RIGHT NOW THEY TRULY DO DESERVE IT

They could kill me in one shot without it even being a critical hit. That shit is like One Punch Man but without the “Man” and without the anime

Whoever caused inflation, or my little brother. I cannot decide for the life of me.

Yes I was sick and I showed my mom a funny Rainworld animatic

The old stop-motion films like the one about Santa Claus and Rudolph with the really grandpa-coded narrator. Love those fun little creations he came up with! Whoever did the stop-motion work and the puppetry has some real talent!

idk I think I sent my friends something about adhd

I NEVER HAVE AND I NEVER WILL. GET THAT SHIT AWAY FROM MY CRUSTY MUSTY OLD LIPS.

No, unfortunately… 😭

If you want to, I guess. Only if it’s ROTTMNT or Wander Over Yonder tho

——

HOLY SHIT THAT WAS A LOT OMG I HAD SO MUCH FUN WITH THAT ONE WOOHOOOO

I wanna do another hehe

here’s weirder asks

who is/are your comfort character(s)?

lighter or matches?

do you leave the window open at night?

which cryptyd being do you believe in?

what color are your eyes?

why did you do that?

hair-ties or scrunchies?

how many water bottles are in your room right now?

which do you prefer, hot coffee or cold coffee?

would you slaughter the rich?

favorite extracurricular activity?

what kind of day is it?

when was the last time you ate?

do you love the smell of earth after it rains?

are you a parent? (all answers qualify)

can you drive?

are you farsighted or nearsighted?

what hair products do you use?

imagine we’re at a sleepover, would you paint my nails?

do you say soda or pop?

something you’ve kept since childhood?

what type of person are you?

how do you feel about chilly weather?

if we were together on a rooftop, what would we be doing?

perfume/body spray or lotion?

a scenario that you’ve replayed multiple times?

about how many hours of sleep did you get?

do you wear a mask?

how do you like your shower water?

is there dishes in your room?

what type of music keeps you grounded?

do you have a favorite towel?

the last adventure you’ve been on?

is there a song you know every word to by heart?

what’s your timezone?

how many times have you changed your url?

someone in your life, other than a relative, you’ve known for 10+ years?

a soap bar that smells good?

do you use lip balm?

did you have any snacks today?

how do you take your coffee?

an app you frequently use besides this godforsaken site?

what’s your take on spicy foods?

you get a free pass to kill anyone, who is it?

can you remember what happened yesterday?

favorite holiday film?

what was the last message you sent?

when did you first try an alcohol beverage?

can you skip rocks?

can i tag you in random stuff?

#Now you know more about me I guess! 🥳🫡#wordz

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robinofgothamcity · 3 years ago

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♡ prompt: “i thought you were dead? for years, i thought you were dead! and i hate that i still love you and never moved on!”

♡ pairing: tim drake (red robin) x fem! reader

♡ lyric inspiration: “you’re riding high in April, shot down in May but I know I’m going to change that tune when I’m back on top in June. I said that’s life and as funny as that may seem, some people get their kicks stomping on a dream.”

♡ note: not checked for grammar or spelling mistakes / please check the pinned tweet please! since i’m very low on inspiration.

Tim Drake stared at you, mouth wide open, not knowing what to say or do. he felt like he saw a ghost. you were standing across the room, talking amongst others as they instantly crowded around you. everyone had thought the same thing Tim did and only a selective few knew about your whereabouts.

you were giving Dick a hug, whispering in his ear about how much you missed him as Damian stood there dumbfounded. Jason was not in the room or else you knew that he would be giving you an earful about the entire situation. Jason always did think of you as a sister when you first started dating Tim.

“what the fuck happened to you?” Damian screamed, finally coming into the realization of the situation, “you were dead! we saw you die! all of us did!” he continued. you bent down, giving him a hug as he didn’t bother to try and deny it.

“it’s a long story. i was under secrecy for a long time and couldn’t tell or say anything without me getting caught,” you told him. you looked to Dick who still couldn’t believe what was going on, “it must’ve been a monumental mission if you were technically dead for three years and I couldn’t know about it,” he replied.

you nodded, whispering to him that you’d tell them the details later, “is...he around?” you asked, referencing Tim. Dick moved a bit to the left, revealing the man you were still madly in love with. you felt yourself gulp, scared on his reaction, “oh god, I never realized how bad this is,” Dick whispered to himself, sensing the tension immediately.

you swinging around the Batcave, Batman clearly annoyed with your antics as you finally plopped down next to him, “aww c’mon Bruce! live a little! this Batcave is so depressing and need I say, dark?” you said, hearing the door jingle open.

“great, the boys are here,” he murmured, realizing that introductions had to happen between you and his sons. Bruce had taken you in a few months ago, under the guise that you needed a better mentor, “you haven’t met them, right?” he asked.

you shook your head no, “course I haven’t! it’s my first week in Gotham!” you exclaimed happily. you did hero work out of the west coast and happened to finally land in Gotham for the first time ever, “although I did run into Damian earlier in the week so I think he’ll recognize me!”

Tim and Dick were the ones who walked in, conversing about some Gotham football game. you smiled at the two boys as they stopped dead in their tracks, “uh....Bruce, who is this?” Dick asked, pointing at you. you stood up, shaking their hands, “I’m ( your name )! Bruce’s new apprentice!” you explained.

the two sighed, Dick’s first thought being if Alfred knew about you. Tim on the other hand didn’t exactly respond as quick. you were oddly excitable, not exactly the personality that ran rampant across the ‘family’, “apprentice or daughter?” Dick asked, a bit playfully.

“she’s an apprentice. no need to adopt someone who’s already an adult,” he replied as he stood up himself, “she came from the west coast so she doesn’t exactly know her way around here. it’d be helpful if one of you showed her around. I don’t trust Jason or Damian enough,” he said, walking to another one of the computers.

“Stephanie isn’t around?” Damian asked, walking inside of the cave, “she’s already acquainted with her and she isn’t available to do it right now so it’s up to Dick or you Tim,” Bruce repeated. Dick looked to his brother with his eyebrow lifted up, “well?” he asked Tim.

the two of them went to look at you who was already not paying attention to what was going on. you were nose deep into a computer with music blaring inside of your headphones, “I swear that girl has ADHD or something,” Damian murmured to his brothers, “but I think Drake should do it! you just love getting to know people, don’t you?” Damian pressured.

Bruce nodded in agreement, “it’s settled, you’re showing her around!” Tim stared at Damian, ready to attack the gremlin with his bare hands, “appreciate it Tim!” you yelled from your seat, surprising the three who thought you couldn’t hear what they were saying.

it was already a few months into your internship with the Batfamily. you had gotten closer with Jason, Stephanie, and because of your relationship with Dick, you befriended Starfire as well. even though your work was constantly surrounding you around Tim, you weren’t around him much unless it had to do with work.

“where you heading off too?” Jason asked, seeing you all dressed up, “Star, Barbara, and Steph wanted to go out for the night since we aren’t on duty so we’re going to get drinks up the street,” you told him. he nodded, looking to Tim and seeing the way he was checking you out, “why do you go with them, Tim?” he asked.

Tim looked at Jason with a bewildered expression, “why would I be the only guy in the group?” he asked sarcastically. you on the other hand jumped up in joy, “you should!” you exclaimed, “come on! it would be amazing! you know you want too!” you poked Tim’s side in anticipation.

he sighed, slipping a bit on the couch, “fine,” he muttered, making you excited all over again. you gave him a few minutes to get himself together, “you know he likes you, right?” Jason told you. you laughed out of genuine shock, “who? Tim? yeah right!” you let out another laugh, not believing he was lying to your face, “fine, don’t believe me but it’s pretty obvious.”

you couldn’t say much else as Tim walked out, hair restyled and threw on a different jacket, “ready?” he asked, hands deep in his pockets. you nodded, throwing Jason a scrap piece of paper before heading out the door as Dick walked inside, “meeting the girls?” he asked.

“yeah and I’m taking your brother as a hostage,” Dick was surprised, “did you finally?” he started to ask before Tim screamed at him to shut up, “how about we leave,” Tim told you, discreetly hitting Dick on the back of his leg as retaliation.

the two of you walked out as you told Tim that the place you usually went out with the girls was in walking distance, “I think they’re going to be surprised you even decided to leave your apartment,” you joked as he rolled his eyes playfully, “I don’t think they’ll mind. at least Stephanie can stop saying that I never go out,” he said.

you laughed softly, “yeah you might be going out with a bunch of girls but it sure beats being stuck inside playing video games or doing work,” you replied, “yeah, guess your right,” you two walked inside of the restaurant, already seeing Steph, Starfire, and Barbara sitting at the usual table.

the three girls had their mouth hanging as they saw you walking in with Tim, “he actually came out?” Barbara screamed, not believing Tim was actually out, “yeah, figured it was better than staying in for the night!” you said excitedly.

“I couldn’t even get him to come out with me at times and I dated him,” Steph murmured under her breath to Star. she laughed as you pulled chairs for you and Tim, “I’m getting first round of shots!” you told the group excitedly. Star and Barbara had followed you to the bar, leaving Steph and Tim in a small awkward silence

“you like her don’t you?” she asked. Tim nodded, figuring it was better to just tell the truth than to lie, “that’s cute! she’s a great girl. I’m happy you finally found someone else but I will say one thing, I think you better get a move on with your feels with her because I know a few others who have an interest in her and one might be on your team,” she said, not so subtly hinting at Connor.

Tim was taken back by what Stephanie was telling her but remained silent, “and I think she’d say yes on Connor so you better be quick,” she laughed, seeing Tim’s slightly jealous eyes. you returned to the table, giving everyone their glass as you raised yours in the air, “to Tim! for actually leaving his house for once!” you screamed as they all raised their glass and took the shot down.

throughout the night, Tim saw the way you were singing and dancing with Steph and Star, your terrible drunk singing voice getting louder as they played ‘poker face’ by lady gaga towards the end of the night.

you stared at Riddler, seeing that he was ready to attack Tim with full intentions to kill him. you debated for a moment, saving a few civilians from getting mildly hurt or seeing your boyfriend get killed? you chose the latter and ran to Tim who was not paying attention in the slightest at what Riddler was doing.

“Red!” you screamed, your feet moving as fast as they could and pushing him out of the way. you felt the slice of the knife into your stomach as you had successfully pushed Tim to safety, “fuck,” you whispered, seeing the blood already pooling underneath you.

although you getting hurt was already pre-planned, you had no intentions of getting hurt this badly, “fuck, fuck, fuck,” you continued, trying to grab your cape to stop the bleeding, Tim stared down at you, seeing the blood gushing at a rate too dangerous for his liking, “hold on, please hold on!” he screamed, moving you out of harms way.

Bruce had saw you giving him the signal, weakly but you still gave it to him. it was your only chance for your pre-planned mission to actually succeed and the start of that plan was to make you die in front of everyone. Bruce had swung down from the stairs, seeing the way your eyes closed.

“she needs to go to the hospital,” he told Tim, making him rush you to the hospital himself. he knew this was the only time he would be able to say his goodbyes to you and he need to make it count, “go now!” he yelled.

Tim dragged your almost lifeless body to the nearest hospital, screaming at the staff that you needed help immediately. the nurses grabbed your body, hauling it to the OR as Tim sat there, blood all over his uniform as he watched you get wheeled into the hallway.

it felt like hours by the time they gave an update to all of them. Bruce, Tim, Dick, Jason, Steph, Barbara, and Damian, were sitting in the waiting area, munching on food nervously as the nurse came out of the hallway, eyes bleary with tears.

“she didn’t make it out of surgery. she passed.”

all of them (for the exception of Bruce), immediately bursted into tears. Tim more than anyone had fell to the ground, having no control of his body as he screamed that it couldn’t be true and that you weren’t actually gone. a part of Bruce’s heart broke seeing his son having a mental breakdown but he knew for their safety and yours, he couldn’t say a word.

the following days were left to plan your funeral as the nurses who relied your wishes stated that you wanted a closed casket for no one, not even Tim, to see your dead body. Tim hadn’t spoken a word to anyone as he only spoke up when it came for him to plan your arrangements.

they buried your casket with your uniform laying on top of it as they all saw your casket get lower and lower to the ground. Tim was by this point sobbing as he couldn’t have cared who saw and who didn’t.

Dick grabbed Damian, moving themselves to another part of the room as you walked slowly to Tim. he had yet to say anything but as soon as you locked eyes with him, you both let out sobs to each other. Tim grabbed you by the arms, bringing you into a hug as he sobbed into your shoulders.

“what the fuck is going on?” he yelled, not knowing what to say, “I’m alive Timmy. I didn’t die that night,” you practically sobbed back to him. he released you, now anger and sadness crossing over him, “what the fuck do you mean you didn’t die?” he screamed, scaring Dick and Damian in the process.

you sat on the ground, trying to compose yourself, “I went on an undercover mission for league. I had to die in order to protect not only myself but all of you and the entire league. which explains why I look different,” you murmured the last part.

“I thought you were dead. for years, I thought you were dead! and I hate that I still love you and never moved on!” he exclaimed, seeing the way you stared at him heartbrokenly, “you think I wanted this to happen? it was for the betterment of the league if I took on this mission. I never wanted to leave you or Steph, hell I didn’t want to leave any of you but I had too! it broke my heart knowing what I had to do!” you yelled back.

Tim bent down, taking you into his arms, “what the hell are we going to do?” he whispered in your ear, not knowing how to respond to any of this rationally. you shrugged as the two of you tried to calm yourselves down from the hysterics you both were throwing, “I just need you here with me,” you whispered back.

Tim nodded, not releasing you from the hug you were giving him. “I won’t. I won’t let you go! not anymore!” he replied. you laughed through your tears as you heard someone else walk into the room.

“what the fuck.....” you heard Steph and Jason’s voice scream through the Batcave, “what the FUCK is going on?” they screamed in panic.

hehehe a cliffhanger

#DC comics #DC imagines #dc x reader #dc imagine #dc #Tim Drake #tim drake imagine #tim drake x reader #Tim Drake x Y/n #Red Robin #red robin x reader #comics #red robin imagine #red robin x y/n

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just-vibingfr · 3 years ago

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Ok ok I want 23 13, and i forgot the number but it said like I’m sorry I’m such a burden so yea with jj maybank im a sucker for angst

Same! Like mood 25/8 is angst, angst, angst!

WARNINGS: Mentions of rape, suicide, self harm, close friends and family thinking you are a liar, ANGST ANGST ANGST, cursing, reader will be using They/Them pronouns.

A/N: I went really angst in this one, this will be all angst with no fluff, at all, like none. Please do not read if anything mentioned will trigger you. This is going to be one of the last OBX fics for a few weeks, I’m going to finish the other four requests I have then I will be writing some Harry Potter Marauders Era stuff! Thank you all for being so patient! I love you guys ❤️ 💕 Bold will be flashbacks!

ABDUCTED

Prompts- 13:God I wish that you had thought this through before I went and fell in love with you. 23:I was kidnapped, I was r@ped! 49: I-I-I’m sorry I’m such a burden

JJ POV:

Thirteen weeks. Thirteen fucking weeks. That’s how long it’s been since they went missing. God, all I can think about is our last conversation.

“I slept with her okay?! I cheated on you and I don’t regret it. At all. You have been nothing but a pain in my ass trying to fix me. Setting me in a path to what, redemption?! Well guess what it’s never gonna fucking happen because I’m a no good, dirty, pogue! My whole family has been doomed to live here, always poor, always a bunch of dead beat losers! I cant be fixed, this is my destiny, so go fuck yourself and you pathetic hopes and dreams and morals! Because none of us liked you anyways, we were only using you to help us grieve after we lost John B. He’s back now, so we don’t fucking need you okay?! I don’t need you! I never have and I never will!”, I ranted. I’m angry at my dad, angry at myself for cheating, angry at Rafe for getting away with everything, angry at Ward for being a bastard, angry at Y/N for making me fall in love with them. I am just so angry. I didn’t mean to take it out on them, but they were there. They’ve always been there even when I treated them like shit. That’s the problem, they were there. I don’t know what to do, I’m so used to pointless hook ups, empty relationships, and abusive behavior, that when someone puts me in a freaking pedestal like I’m actually worth something I flip. I have been looking down for the past five minutes. All I know is their muffled sobs, how their eyes are probably red rimmed and bloodshot, how they’re probably pulling on their wrists like they do when they’re stressed. If I look up I might just crack. “God I wish that you had thought this the before I went and fell in love with you!”, they screamed, letting out all of their emotions. “You said I was different, you said you saw a future together! You told me you fucking loves me! You fucking piece of shit! I hope you get everything you want in the sickest sense! I hope you remember me and feel nothing but pain and guilt! I’m done with you Maybank!”,Those words cut deeper than any blade or bullet could. Being told those venomous words by the person I love most in the world hurts, but I deserve it. I hurt them more than anything, I broke them.

But, now I see truth in their words. Every time I think of them all I can feel is pain, guilt, and remorse. It was all my fault.

Y/N POV

I stumbled through woods. Safety. That’s all I can think. Safety. Safety. I kept stumbling around going anywhere, anywhere as long as it’s away from fucking Jules. That’s what they would call my kidnapper and rapist, Jules. He earned that name because he would take a piece of jewelry off of every virgin he raped. Pathetic. My lower half ached, my mind fuzzy, my wrists scarred. Thirteen weeks, that’s how long I’ve been missing. Thirteen weeks or rape and abuse. Twelve weeks of self harm. I started slitting vanes on my ankles, and the back of my knees, to feel something. Something other than the pain he caused. Self inflicted pain was a way out, a way to still have freedom and independence. Sick and twisted, I know, but it was my way of rebellion. I started to break down crying in the middle of, woods?! It these woods are familiar and I can hear the sound of the ocean. Outer Banks… Outer Banks! Thank God! I’m home. I’m safer, I’m back. I kept stumbling around, my tears making it harder to see. Up ahead I saw what looked like porch lights. “Help! Help!”, I yelled out, although the dryness of my throat mad it extremely difficult.I sped up, basically running to reach a sense of haven. Once I arrived at the house I realized where I was. The Chateau. Anywhere but here. But I needed help, and I was lucky I even found my way here. I knocked on the door, actually I pounded on the door. I was desperate. I heard shuffling and then the door opened revealing a very disheveled Pope, Kiara, Sarah, John B, and JJ.

“Y/N?! How-What-! Just- just come in!” Pope said frantically .

“What happened?!”, Kiara and Sarah said in unison. The boys nodding their heads in agreement to the question.

“I-erm- I was kidnapped, I was raped. I was held in a where house with the other girls. This bitch named Jules was the one in charge. He would take turn with the girls. It was terrifying. I thought he was going to kill me once he saw me helping one of the girls with her miscarriage. I had already had three or four myself and a few of the girls actually gave birth in that where house. The youngest to have a baby was eleven. Eleven fucking years old. I just ran out of the door one day, I got shot. It’s been a few days, maybe five or six? All I know is that I had to burn the wound to stop the bleeding. And I feel really sick right now. I think I’m going to vomit.”, I said before passing out.

I woke up in a hospital bed. The lights burning my eyes. The sheets clean. Someone had bathed me and changed my clothes. I felt clean, it felt good. Everyone scrambled to get up at my sudden consciousness. Looking at me with that pity in their eyes. That pitiful look that made me regret telling them. I didn’t want their fucking pity, I just wanted them to know I have new boundaries, and as my friends they deserved to know. The doctor came rushing in, asking me to explain what happened. I explained everything, the trauma bringing ugly sobs. I didn’t care. I had just been through hell and back, I was allowed to shed some god damn tears.

I was discharged later that day when they had diagnosed me with PTSD, anxiety, ADHD, and self harm. Yay. Weeks went by with my friends checking up on me, never leaving my side: I loved them all for it, but I could see the look of boredom in their eyes, the look that said as soon as I was good enough to be on my own they would leave me to my own devices. It hurt, everything did. I didn’t deserve to put them through this, watching me fall apart. I didn’t deserve this. I needed to end the pain. I had to. And I needed to do it now. I pulled out a piece of paper and a pen, went to the nearest flat surface and began writing.

“ I’m sorry I’m such a burden. But thank you for taking care of me. Thank you for supporting me. I didn’t really get to know you before John B and Sarah, I see that I really missed out on some good people. Kie, you have been nothing but amazing to me. I can’t thank you enough. Pope, you are like a workers mix of older brother, younger brother, and dad. It always amazes me how you can be protective as fuck, need protecting, and are always prepared with that mind of yours. JJ, I’m sorry. Sorry that we ended things on such terrible terms. You deserve the world and I couldn’t give that to you, I truly apologize for holding you back. But you did break me that night, I was going to end it then, but I was abducted. Ironic how I’m ending it now. I love you all and wish you the best! “

Love, Y/N ❤️

I folded the letter and set it on the island with the pen. Then I crawled into the tub, slit my wrists, and let the darkness take over, sweet, safe, darkness.

@hannahnikohl

#kiara outer banks #outer banks #pope heyward #jj maybank #john b routledge #sarah cameron #pogues for life #outer banks angst

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pluviophile-bookworm · 3 years ago

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HSMTMTS 2x9: so dreaded, so exciting, 'Sword!' (yeah, I went there, I've been thinking about this scene - you know the one - since yesterday for some reason)

After two computer malfunctions and a very tough, very sleepless night, here I am with a third attempt to write this post. The universe is against me today. Is Mercury in retrograde or something? Ugh, I just want to get this over with already. And I haven't even managed to see half the episode yet. You better like this cursed post because it's taken me two hours at this point, and will probably take another to finish - and that is if nothing goes wrong this time. Please bear with me. This is my reaction to HSMTMTS 2x9, take 3. Let's hope and pray it's the last one.

I'm normally [unpopular opinion alert] a very spoiler-positive person (it's the combination of anxiety and ADHD and a bunch of other stuff, I suppose), but for this one I've been refraining from looking at the tag all morning, so by now I'm simply bursting with impatience. But before we dive in, I need to get some stuff off my chest.

Some pre-watch thoughts and feelings (let's see how well they will have aged by the end of the episode):

Seriously, what is with whoever writes this show? I know it's impossible, but I feel like they've been toying with my emotions specifically all season. Like:

Ah, so you were a Rini shipper last season? Great, now we'll make them obnoxious and borderline toxic to the point where you actually want them to break up, but then their old chemistry will be back just for the breakup scene so that you can cry your eyes out over the one couple you couldn't stand - even though you can't seem to relate to a single song from Sour, we'll make you feel like you do for a hot second. At least it will remind you that you loved Ricky.

So you say Redlyn own your heart and soul? Great, we'll make you dread something going wrong with them for a week straight, and mess up your sleep schedule beyond repair over it. You're welcome!

We heard you said Rodfini give you life? Perfect, how about a big Seblos fight? And would you like a side of questioning your choice to stan Carlos with that? Because what is life without a little anxiety, a bit of doubt of your ability to read people, and a pinch of existential dread, right?

Ah, so you claimed not to ship Portwell romantically, is that right? Brilliant, we'll make you ship them and then we'll use that to torture you, too.

You've been excited about ABF and Asher Angel guest-starring ever since they were announced? Magnificent! We'll make you hate ABF's character to the point where you can't even look at him, and we'll make you call him names you thought yourself incapable of uttering. And as for Asher, you'll be left waiting for him until the last third of the season, and then you'll dread the possibility of hating his character, too. Do you love us yet?

Oof! Right then, I've got that out of my system. Time to dive in.

Miss Jenn playing around with the backgrounds is, like, 90% of the people who had online school this year, and honestly, I love that for her.

Wait, why is Nini first on this call? Are they going through with the Rose thing? Cos like, the song is nice and all (and, might I add, much more to my taste than nearly all of Sour, don't @ me), but if they use it, it will get them disqualified. They’ve been told that! Gosh, please let me be wrong about this.

We get it, Carlito, rich and fancy and over-the-top is kind of your thing, but have you stopped for a second to think about how others will feel about this? Especially Seb, whom you claim to care about. Seriously, though, I love Carlos and would not hesitate to die for him, but I’m getting the feeling that, unlike my other favourite (you know the one), he wouldn’t do the same for me. Oh well, he’ll figure it out. He’s just a kid. Give him time.

Wait, Milky White? Is that an Into the Woods reference I smell? Cool! If I had a cow, I’d totally name her Milky White (or Gertrude, but don’t ask me why). I just hope they don’t have to, like, take her to the market and exchange her for magic beans, if you catch my drift.

Ahhhhh, Caswell cousins content! We love to see it!

‘You guys are watching, like, old old movies’ WTH, Nini (or is it Nina)? Scary Movie is literally younger than me. But what do you know about it, you 21st-century baby! Ugh, I don’t know why I’m being so hostile today... must be the lack of sleep. Hope it doesn’t influence my reactions to the episode so dramatically as to make me forget how much I love this series. Because I do.

Yay! Big Red is here! I can finally smile. And did Ash just say they’re soulmates? Because yes they are! Ahhh my heart is going to explode.

‘Nini, have you heard from [Ricky]?’ Yikes, awkward... but of course, Big Red can be counted on to save the day here, too.

Ok, so that was a cool cold open. Time for some nice in-person scenes, though. I did not spend all of three semesters doing online school just to have the characters of my favourite series do the same.

Wow, Gina is really embracing that French accent thing! And I really don’t want to think about, erm, ‘Napoleon over here’ right now, but I really think the fact that she’s doing it better than him will be another piece of evidence towards my theory of fake-French!Antoine... ugh, I said his name. Oh well. Back to Gina. Too bad the French thing didn’t work out for her.

Ahhhh, Portwell with Ash in the background! And Ash is going to paint EJ’s nails! I feel like he’s going to end up loving that, despite what he says right now. But seriously, I just love how comfortable these two are with each other. Can you blame me now for shipping them as friends? Well, I mean, it’s obvious they will be more than friends, and somehow, despite the amatonormativity of it all, I’m here for it.

Wait, was that Asher? That was Asher, I’m 100% sure of it. And Gina said ‘a sign’ and then looked at him, even from the back... what am I supposed to think and feel here? I’m confused. Moving on.

Ahh, poor Ricky being a burrito... good thing that breakup scene last time reminded me that I love him, because the entirety of the season before that was very good at making me forget that.

Wait, did she say ‘the Bean’? As in, that Bean? The infamous Bean? LOL.

‘So the only time you two talk to each other is to gossip about me’ Boy, did I feel that. I once got my hands on my dad’s mobile and I... kind of went through his texts with mum. Yep, all about me and my brother. At this point I feel like they’re only together because of us. But this is getting too personal. I’m here about the episode, not to rant about my family. Moving on.

Yikes, looks like Nini’s got writer’s block all over again. Am I supposed to feel sorry for her? Because I kind of don’t. I mean, no hate towards her, none at all, but that entire scene just felt awkward and unnecessary. And not just because it’s her first time going live. That I can understand. What I don’t understand is why the writers can’t seem to do anything creative and interesting with Nini. Olivia is being wasted there. Idk, that’s just how I feel. Again, no hate.

Ahhhhh it’s Asher! And well, he’s not Jonah, but I kind of really like him as Jack. I wonder if that will last.

So is it just me, or is anyone else not quite sure how to feel about Ricky’s mum? I mean, their interactions seem kind of awkward and strained, but that’s how it’s supposed to be given their recent history, and yet something just doesn’t sit quite right with me.

‘You there, Muse? It’s me, Nini!’ Ah, so it’s Nini again? I didn’t get the memo. Gosh, this episode is kind of really underwhelming. The most exciting thing so far (but not nearly as exciting in practice as it was in theory) – Asher and Sofia’s on-screen reunion. The second most exciting thing? The thought of Ash painting EJ’s nails. Everything else? Kind of ‘whatever’. Is this what I tossed and turned about all night? Totally not worth it. This episode better get, like, 300% better right this instant. It’s just not worth all the frustration and excitement and dread so far.

Looks like my prayers from just now have been heard! That improv scene was hilarious! Guess it was lucky that Miss Jenn had them do improv before this moment. But I need to know more of Jack’s backstory now.

Ok, so that was awkward! So Kourtney is talking to Howie again, I guess. And I guess I know now what Carlos did that was all public and no subtle. Still, what’s wrong with posting photos from your holiday? Guess I don’t exactly know yet what Carlos did to piss the others off so much.

Great, now I’m tempted to google butterfly faces. Good thing I’m not eating anymore. *** Ughhhhh this was a mistake! Please don’t ever look a butterfly in the face if you want to stay sane. Don’t be like me.

Ahhh the Duke sweater! ‘Is that your boyfriend’s?’ Well, not quite yet, it’s not... *screams in Portwell*

Oh, now we’re talking! But seriously, Ricky? The ‘my friends think’ card? Why don’t you just say ‘I think’? It’s clearly something you’ve thought about a lot. I feel like I’m going to love this scene or cry over it or both.

Ooh, therapy. It’s not just... basically the entire fandom... who says it now. Please tell me that means Ricky will be going to therapy at some point. Says the girl who is currently firmly refusing to go to therapy in favour of hyperfixating on HSMTMTS and getting back into the good old practice of having imaginary friends... yeah, I’m one to talk.

My, my, my! Seb has really had it now. I mean, it was about time, but... not quite like this. My heart is starting to do some weird stuff, I can feel it. I might need to lie down.

Ok, so as much as I envy North High for getting to see so many shows on BWay – basically living out my dream – stalking East High on Instagram and being shady about them taking a well-deserved break... just goes beyond all limits. I mean, if you’re so into Broadway shows, you should know as well as I do what happened the last time a certain founding father did not take a break. Maybe you’re the ones in need of a break here.

Nini on the call with the Caswell cousins, though... ‘I’m obsessed with both of you’ – first relatable thing she’s said or done all season. And EJ playing with old toys is pure gold.

Oh, so Jack’s dad is a pilot. Makes sense, I guess. I’m kind of intrigued by this guy. Just as long as he doesn’t try to come between Portwell before they’ve had the chance to happen, you know...

Ashlyn might need to stop swooning over Nini’s songwriting or Big Red might get jealous... I mean, I would not have pinned him as the jealous type before 2x7, but ever since then... I guess insecure + dating a girl like Ash = the jealous type. And although that looks good on him, I’d bet anything it doesn’t feel particularly pleasant on his side. So... wait, why am I talking about Big Red? He hasn’t even got anything to do with the scene at hand. But then again, there’s been so little Big Red content in this episode that I seem to be trying to make up for it. Still. Stay focused.

Ooh, so Big Red did edit that video! Is there anything my boy can’t do? Ok, now I feel like he’s even more criminally underappreciated than he was before. But let’s look at the video. I’m curious to see the whole thing because that sneak peek from yesterday simply hasn’t been enough.

That was... really, really cool! I love how they took the ‘when they go low, we go high’ line from last time and run with it. Now if only they were putting as much effort into BATB... North High wouldn’t know what hit them.

Hmmmm... I guess Gina and Jack could be what I originally wanted Portwell to be... really cool friends. Unless it’s one of those ‘airport magic’ things. Oh well. It probably is. Was that all we’re seeing of Asher here? I did not wait 2/3 of the season for this. Though it was nice.

Ooh, Ricky’s solo song... why is there more Rini chemistry in this song than there was in all the season? Not counting the breakup scene, of course. Also, I feel like it’s just as much about him and his mum as it is about Nini. Some say music is the best therapy. I think they might be right. And no, I’m not crying. You are.

The granola bar, though... this episode might have been very underwhelming in the first half, but... it delivered in the Portwell front, and the music was *chef’s kiss*, so I’m willing to let it slide that the advertised Seblos ‘big fight’ was not touched upon nearly enough. Maybe next week...

Ok, now that we’re done watching the episode, let’s see how my feelings from the beginning have aged:

The Rini breakup: apparently, along with reminding me that I love Ricky, it has rendered me unable to look at Nini. What’s up with that? If this is some sort of tactic along the lines of ‘Olivia might be leaving the show so we’re making you hate her character so that you won’t miss her’, it’s not really working. Because I don’t want to hate Nini. Believe me, I don’t.

Redlyn: ok, so there’s nothing wrong with them whatsoever - we even got a ‘soulmates’, which I loved - but first they’re being swept under the rug, and then the antis come at us with that ‘their relationship is underdeveloped’ nonsense. Individually, though, I liked them in this episode (even if there was a significant shortage of Big Red), and Ashlyn collaborating with Nini again was cool, but... what I really wanted to see was her painting EJ’s nails. Did she even get the chance to actually do it? Maybe next week.

Seblos: I’m still failing to understand exactly what Seb thinks Carlos did wrong (please enlighten me if you did catch that, I’m kind of slow), but he (Seb) does have reasons to be mad at him (Carlos)... and at other people, too. Still, if you want to have a fight between two people in a relationship, you could do much better than whatever this episode was. Maybe next week. I notice I’m saying that a lot. Guess I’m putting a lot of hopes on 2x10. I just pray it doesn’t disappoint.

Portwell: boy, am I happy that my frustration on this front did not age well! What I mean is, apparently they’ve decided to bless us, not torture us for once. Even a rather disappointing episode like this one had to have some sort of silver lining. And Portwell is it.

Asher as Jack: well, luckily I didn’t hate him, but... it’s kind of the opposite problem. I loved him and now they’re taking him away from me. Guess I just can’t win here. Oh well. At least he didn’t have the screen time to get in between Portwell...

All in all: 2x10, my hopes and prayers are with you!

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joyful-soul-collector · 2 years ago

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Update? Sort of?

So she's. Different, now. Better, I think? Better than she was when I made the original post. We had a big family discussion a long time ago, sometime last year, and brought things to her attention. I didn't say that she was being abusive, because I was worried it would shut her down and she wouldn't listen to me if I used that word, but we still talked about things she did to me and how they were bad. It boiled down to basically she thought I didn't do enough in the family? She said she does more than I do, and my parents semi-agreed with her I guess? But we explained that I have autism and adhd and just generally a bunch of problems that make it extremely difficult to Life. I think she sort of got it, but she also kinda views those things as excuses, and I don't know that she really believes or understands how they work and affect me. She seems to get that she shouldn't treat me the way she did though.

So, I think she really is trying? It's hard to tell sometimes. I can see it now when she's annoyed but holding back, not saying something awful like she normally would, or maybe just saying something less awful. It's not an every day thing anymore, treating me badly. But honestly it's hard to tell whether that's due to her actually treating me better, or because she has a job and a boyfriend and isn't around as much.

But... it's still not great honestly. She still rolls her eyes at me constantly, and scoffs when I say things. She gets angry when I do things that inconvenience her a little bit, like being in the same room as her, or say something she disagrees with, or honestly just do anything she doesn't like, but what she doesn't like varies so much from moment to moment that it's really hard to gauge whether something I'm going to do is going to make her mad or not. But she doesn't yell at me as much anymore which is good.

It's a weird feeling to be the older brother with an abusive younger sister. I love her a lot, I want to protect her and take care of her, cuz I'm her older brother, that's what I'm supposed to do. She doesn't need me to, I'm only two years older, but I still feel that urge to help her and guide her in some way. I don't know that I'm very good at it, she scoffs at me whenever I say anything about wanting to look out for her and my youngest sister, but I can't tell if that's her being mean or right.

But at the same time she just. She treats me like shit right? I get so anxious when she's in a bad mood, I just try to avoid her, but I can't always do that because we live together. I want to take care of her, I want to help her, but I'm often scared of her at the same time.

And I want to tell people in my life about her, tell my friends about my problems with my sister so they understand me better, so they can help me in the times when I start to believe I'm as awful as she treats me like I am, but at the same time like. That's my baby sister. I can't talk bad about my baby sister like that. I can't go telling everyone she's awful and make myself out to be some victim in their eyes. She's not all bad, she can be really cool too, and I want them to know that side of her.

But I don't want to lie either. I want to be able to tell people what I've gone through, what I'm going through, how she's brought down my self esteem, how I have this weird feeling of both completely trusting her to be loyal to me and stand up for me, but not trusting her at all to treat me well or make me feel good most of the time.

But I don't want to fuck up my family. If they find out I told ANYONE that she was abusive to me (and still is sometimes), then they would get so angry and it would cause such a big thing. They know I talked to my old therapist about it, and I think they know somewhat that she was/is abusive, but I highly doubt they would be okay with me telling anyone outside the family that. It'd look like I was badmouthing her to other people.

It's even worse when I think about if/when I have some sort of life partner someday. Inevitably I'll end up telling them about her, and telling them she was shitty to me at one point in my life, even if somehow by them she's perfectly chill. But that person will meet her, and if we get married or something then she'll be part of their family too.

Idk, it's just so frustrating because I can tell she is better than before, like genuinely better. But because of everything that's happened, I still have similar reactions to everything. I still tense up and get scared she's going to yell at me, even if I can't remember the last time she yelled at me. I still hide up in my room when she's slamming things or cussing at her computer because I'm scared her anger will get redirected at me somehow. I still feel like a horrible person every time she does anything for me, because I know all she's thinking is that she shouldn't have to be doing this and that I'm so stupid for one reason or another.

Anyway, I'm just gonna end this rant here now. If anyone is worried reading this, genuinely appreciate your concern but I'll be okay!! I have friends irl who I think I'll open up to eventually, and my parents are good and help me with this stuff too. I just wanted to vent about it. If anyone has advice or general comfort or anything like that, feel free to do that, I'm all ears.

Love you all, laters gators

Has anyone dealt with having abusive siblings?

Keep reading

#abusive siblings #abuse tw

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acircusfullofdemons · 3 years ago

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Follow up question <3 tell us about the Pastas.

- @maddgicalgirl

@maddgicalgirl So. :>

Wait b4 I get into that, idk how familiar you are with creepypasta (im assuming at least a little bit bc you asked this lol) but just to be safe: Creepypastas are internet horror stories, they're (imo) usually pretty sucky bc they're all written by 12yos, but whatever the fandom never sticks with Canon anyway. There's also the SlenderMansion AU (very popular, you've probably seen fanart of it) where the pastas all live together. Whos there depends in the person i guess? So for me its: Tim/Masky, Brian/Hoodie, Slender, Toby, Ben, Jeff, EJ, Jane, LJ, Smile Dog, Sally, and my parame Simon. Sometimes Jason & Slender's brothers are there, too.

I mostly daydream about Tim/Masky being my dad. and also Brian/Hoodie, being my other dad. They are Married <3

Tim is your typical tired dad, I guess? Him & Brian work for Slender with Toby (who've they also mentally adopted as their son/brother). Brian worries about everyone (he has anxiety) and is generally a mother hen ngl. Since I also mentioned Toby here (+ I want all the proxies together), he's a chaotic lil shithead but knows when to pull it together for serious situations. A more realistic version of the popular fanon, I guess.

If Tim is a Tired Dad then Slender is a Tired Grandpa <3 /j. He's the one that actually runs things & makes sure the pastas don't murder each other, especially Jeff & Jane. Its also hard to tell if he genuinely cares about the pastas or not - an elderitch being with no face is pretty good at hiding its true emotions, shocker ‐ but he does tolerate them living in his house, so. Probably? He secretly wants to be a dad let him have this.

Jeff.....has actually chilled out. Like. A Lot. I'm still toying with the idea of if he murdered his older brother, Liu, yet. Because if he didn't, then Liu would be a detective; but if he did, then Simon (my parame) would be able to see Liu (they're the para i mentioned that can see ghosts) & fix their relationship so Liu can move on. ANYWAY, personality-wise, he's still an ass but now its like. A Funny Asshole. Probably bc he spends to much time with LJ. He's also the primary caretaker of Smile Dog (he's a "family dog", but also Jeff's Dog, u know?).

Jane has also chilled out. In the sense that she isn't trying to murder Jeff on sight anymore. After some talking (and encouragement from Slender), they've decided to call it a truce (?) and more or less ignore each others existence unless necessary. It works surprisingly well.

Here's a post that kind of explains the gaming pastas ("Glitches" as they're called here), including Ben.

Sally is. just a lil 8yo baby we love her <3. She's also the only child living at the mansion & kind of likes it that way. She likes being the only Baby so all the attention is on her 💖

EJ is the mansions doctor! He was turned into a Demon before finishing med school, but Slender has plenty of medical books and its EJ's Special Inerest (listen....idc at this point. they all have adhd and/or autism. fight me) so he learned everything pretty quickly, which is good because its. a bunch of murders living together. What do you think happens daily.

I don't daydream about LJ that much idk why I listed him but yeah he's There he Does Things.

I'd talk about Simon but I've gone on long enough, that's like. a whole other post lmao.

#paraportal #luka answers #player: maddgicalgirl #chainsawgirlfriend #console: at the graveyard #tim #brian #jeff #ej #lj #jane #ben #sally #toby #slender #....this is also what inspired RoseWood Manor <3 and richard Irvine. who is slender. yeha.#this is also just the basics i have aus!! AUS!!! AS IN MULTIPLE WHY CAN I MEMORIZE THAT BUT NOTHING ELSE—

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steponmepinkjun · 3 years ago

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I NEVER FINISHED MY STORY OMG. ok so i left off at being too proud to tell my friend she was right and kpop fucked hard. the difference between u and me is that i’m too good of a liar. too good. i kept up the “i hate kpop it’s cringe” facade for ALMOST TWO WHOLE YEARS, I SHIT YOU NOT. why? bc my dumb ass, extra ass, dramatic ass self thought “ok if i’m gonna have to deal with the embarrassment of admitting i’m wrong, i better do it in such an extra ass way it’ll knock ur socks off so hard that YOULL be the one embarrassed not me.” the original plan was to learn the entire choreography to bts dope, bc it’s the song that she told me to listen to and inevitably the song that got me into them, but later switched to bts fire bc i saw too many of those “choreo matches w any song” videos, and then her birthday party came up. and here’s the real kicker. her birthday is April Motherfuckin Fools. so it would be So Perfect for me to reveal my kpopism as a birthday present And a april fools prank in one. so i was Set on the Reveal being on april 1st, but the day rolls around and god that choreo is so fucking hard and i am Not a dancer. never have been. so i abandon that and go ykno what… i’ll do it Next Year. BC MY BITCHASS WAS LIKE NO THE MOMENT IS TOO PERFECT TO DO IT ON A NORMAL ASS DAY ITS GONNA BE ON APRIL FOOLS ON HER GODDAMN BIRTHDAY OR NOT AT ALL. a year rolls by, i’ve told most of our friends except her and they’re all in on it, i’d made so many subtle kpop references to her without her realising they were fully intentional and had too many scares where she almost figured me out but i lied my way out of it, and i’d given up on showing off with choreography bc i couldn’t make that shit look good. i’m not a dancer. i am, however, a rapper, and a damn good one, so i inhaled the agust d mixtape and decided i’d just rap the eminem of kpop’s anthem at her face. in korean. and change the lyrics at the end (if u haven’t listened to agust d, the bridge repeats “i’m sorry” a lot) to “i’m sorry i kept this from u for so long” and “i’m sorry i actually ult got7 not bts” (this was like the april after skz debuted ok i was holding onto got7 for dear life knowing full well skz we’re going to convert me smh) and the best part? she never saw it coming. her official present was a cd with a bunch of kpop on it but she thought it was just a personalised mixtape for her so i told her to play the first song out loud and she knew the song Instantly. it has a long intro so she was like “i guess u did listen when i recommended u this song!! i knew you’d like it since u like rap so much!!” and then i started rapping and i shit u not. she started SCREAMING. like the initial reaction was her jaw dropping and then instinctively covering her mouth but when i kept going and she realised i wasn’t fucking around she just fucking screamed like a banshee. at the end during the sorry bit i threw off my jacket to reveal a got7 shirt on the inside and she fell off her chair and started rolling around on the floor. needless to say it was every bit as satisfying as i thought it’d be LMAOOOO afterwards her ass was like “I CANT BELIEVE U HID THIS FROM ME FOR OVER A YEAR” and when i tried to explain my ego couldn’t take the “i told u so” she was like “you know i wouldn’t have made fun of you for it right? i would just be glad you’re not hating on my boys anymore” so basically i’m a big dramatic fool and she was always too good for me.

don’t mind the weird spaces here my ipad is being all fucky wucky w me rn. damn sad to hear ur sideblog experience didn’t go so well, i’d have shown u the cool side of the fandom if i knew 😤😤 leading u thru the cursed halls of kpop stan tumblr like a sketchy tour guide that’s actually 3 small raccoons stacked on top of each other like a trench coat, like “over here we have the fanfic writers that honestly need to publish a book, over here we have the gif makers that are responsible for my entire camera roll, if we take a quick swerve past the death threat anons and the twt fanwar screenshots - mind ur feet bub the 14 year olds were tryna make a grab for ur ankles - ah here’s the holy grail of shitposts, you might be here for hours, to the right we have the weird aussie side of the fandom that projects our childhoods onto chanlix but also all the members as we decide what their life in australia would’ve been like, and down there is a secret trapdoor to the blogs w endless random headcanons that will make you laugh, cry or blush depending on if the author woke up and decided to choose violence today. enjoy your Stay!” but then again i’m not so active on tumblr anymore (ngl you’ve become the highlight of my tumblr experience these days, interaction wise,) so maybe all my Local Hotspots are inactive now. i know a bunch of them are, it’s sad. “i don’t fw stan twitter for the same reason i don’t hang out in meth dens” oop. guess i’m a meth addict. no but i get u i rly do, it’s a hellhole out there, but the fact that things get shared and spread a lot easier than on tumblr and how short most things have to be (therefor keeping up w my adhd attention span without having to resort to the mental torture that is tiktok, with the added bonus of not always needing headphones.) that i just. couldn’t leave if i tried. maybe i should try being active on tumblr again but it’s a dying site in comparison.

“their music doesn’t consistently hit for me as much as skz” i’m sorry we can’t be friends anymore. what. what. you don’t dramama ramama ramama hey? you don’t feel a little jealousyyyyyy, naega anin? you don’t shoot out, shoot out, shoot out, or aremdaeun love killa love killa? you can’t be your hero du du du du du du du du du dududu? u disappoint me. literally like everyone i know who likes skz music likes mx music like it’s a rite of Passage. they’re kindred spirits, monsta x music is like skz’s music’s cool but mildly heterosexual older brother. neither of them know what a bad song is it runs in the family. and both their music runs in my VEINS. whenever i describe my music taste they’re always the first two that come to mind, skz being my number 1 bc they are my best boys but mx bc of the Flavour. pls listen to the entire the code album then get back to me 😤🙌 ok but fr ur so right they are 7 of the finest men i ever seen (yes i say 7 bc i’m including wonho cause he deserved better and i’ll die on my ot7 bullshit.) like don’t get me started on them either LOL i LITERALLY downloaded that one insta video of changkyun working out his back n arm muscles w his tattoo showing bc i needed that shit saved for Science. they could do Anything w me like frfr. yes vixx is the bdsm contract group i’m telling ya they wildin. or at least they were. it’s been years since their last comeback idk what they’re doing anymore tbh. and yeah that makes sense, savouring the hyperfixation i feel it, but also i’m so attached to skz that i never let it die. like i hyperfixate on other things and other groups but i will Always go back to skz cause they’re my homeboys. hell, they’re my home. being a predebut stay i’ve spent more time w skz than most of my actual family members at this point. but that’s just me you do u boo xx just know that if ur anything like me ur never letting go once skz it’s been my longest lasting fixation cause they hit like Nothing Else Do. ik i’ve already said that but i cannot stress it enough. they’re really special. i’m gonna stop here before i get all sappy and emotional bc i really love those boys so fucking much and i don’t drop the L bomb often. SIDE NOTE I WOULD LIKE TO SEE UR LIST OF GROUPS RANKED BY THORSt. i need to judge ur Taste. and omg cat&dog is such a guilty pleasure song bc the lyrics make me cringe so much bc while pet play can be fun they be doing it in more of an “i’m an innocent soft dogboy uwu” kinda way that just Does Not Sit Right with me. it comes back to the objectifying of asians that asians themselves don’t help in industries like these and maybe i’m looking too far into it when rly it is just wholesome n cute or maybe they are into some pet play shit idk idc i will bop to the song regardless but i will not acknowledge the lyrics nope.

YOURE RIGHT THO SKZ’S OPENNESS IS IN FACT, A BIG DEAL, i’ll grab them for u if u want but i found these twt threads of skz supporting the lgbt community and i just felt a special kind of happiness man like sure the delusional part of me likes going “haha they’re gay” bc my brain likes to imagine them as my polycule of mlm boyfriends bc sometimes thats what gives me the serotonin to get me thru the day ok don’t judge but also bc it’s nice knowing that yes i’ll never know them personally, but at least i can support them knowing they’d respect my gender identity and my pronouns, they’d respect who i choose to love, and that’s already more than the general public can say so shit, it is special! it’s special that they don’t treat being cishet like the norm - they constantly remove gender from their songs and speech entirely, they don’t assume all stays are female anymore, we don’t talk abt the babygirls incident cause we got babystays in the end outta that ok, and it’s just. so refreshing and important to me bc i can’t get that anywhere else!! like my semi ults are the boyz and while i love them very much and there’s no way all 11 of them are straight i refuse, i do get just a little bit sad whenever they she/her their fandom by default and call them their girlfriends n shit even tho i do still identify as a girl, i’m also genderfluid/nonbinary/transmasc, and i have a very love/hate relationship w my womanhood and rarely use she/her pronouns, cause it’s like, do you not see me? see us? the ones who aren’t cishet women? i mean i know kevin does bc he congratulated a fan who came out as nb but it’s just not the same as the openness we get w skz. like how do i trust cishets i could be supporting them as a queer person when in reality they’d call me a slur. what would i know, behind the screen? so it’s so good that skz go the extra mile to make it a safe space for everyone. this is already long enough i will reply to the second half of that ask in another message… tomorrow cause it’s 1am and i’m tired gn -felix bi anon

I'mma have to start putting these under a readmore so that i don't absolutely make everything who is still following me for some reason go totally fucking insane 😂

NDJDHWJJAHFNAKBSJSBFBHHDBDNAJD YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE FACES I WAS MAKING READING THIS, I WAS FUCKING CACKLING AND GASPING EVERY OTHER SENTENCE SO HARD THAT I SCARED THE CATS NDJWHSHSB the fact that you went "oh you want me to get into kpop? Give me a hot minute, and I'll give you a whole ass private concert for free" biduehsjdbd biiiiiiiiiiitch you're a fucking ICON, I stg I could NEVER 😂 (and not just because I couldn't find a tune if you gave me a printed set of Google maps directions and that I embody the steriotype that white people can't dance, like my sister kept sensing me tiktoks of the whole "dance like a white girl" trend going lmfao look it's you and eventually I was like "sis please this trend has me feeling like being white is a disability and these mothafuckers are being ableist 😭 also I could NEVER be that on beat so yall ain't even doin it right 😭😭😭😭"). Tbh if I told one of my friends (lol what friends, i got jokes) to get into Skz and they showed up at my bday and performed the entirety of I Got It I would simply shower them in money and go "aight everyone else go home, you are no longer needed, you are being laid off, your position has been eliminated, we're downsizing, the company is moving up and you're moving out, you are not qualified for this role any longer, best of luck with future endeavors" 😊

I think part of the reason I can't deal w Twitter is the exact reason I refuse to leave tumblr, in that I've been on tumblr since 2006 and twt since 2008, and tumblr literally has not changed at all, not even a little, whereas going from the early days of twt where there were no corporate sponsorships or ads and you had to manually copy and paste someone's tweet and @ them to retweet it, to how it is now, like 90% ads and showing me shit from the timelines of people I don't even fuckin follow n whatnot, it's just not enjoyable. Idk how anyone finds anything on twt, it confuses and frustrates me because I am old and have not adapted well to technology changing 😂 But arguably, the skz fanbase doesn't want me on skztwt anyways so like it works for both of us lmfaooo. I am old and cringey, and also still think of twt as stream of consciousness whereas tumblr is your teenage bedroom where you can decorate the walls with anything that interests you. I do really love the nonsensical kpoptwt shitposts tho fhshsbdjjss like it is a very specific flavor of mental instability that I enjoy immensely 😂 OH and also I initially misread part of that and thought you were saying you actually irl do meth and I was like 😳 WHAT DO I SAY TO THAT. HOW DO I HANDLE THIS. Like how do I express like "I wasn't being judgy of people who use substances cause I've been there but I was just being insensitive 😳" And then went back and reread it and was like WHEW, IM JUST AN ILLITERATE FOOL 😂😂😂😂 ejeywhdhrhjwbfbdjshdhdhd I spent like an hour bwign like "IS THE REASON WE GET ALONG BECAUSE THEY'RE ON METH???? WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS INFORMATION??????" hrhehshe I am literally a fuckin idiot it's fine

It's not that I don't fw them, it's more like... Okay so like there is no situation in which I am going to skip a skz song if it comes on shuffle. You will not ever catch me NOT in the mood to listen to Sunshine, if God's Menu comes on we are THROWIN the meager amount of booty meat I got hither and thither, I could be in the happiest mood of my life but if Ex comes on I will stop to SOB. And I'm not like that with most music, so mx just falls into the category of "there is a time and place." Idk why but it just doesn't forcibly grab hold of my heart and ass the way skz always does. I really don't WANT my skz fixation to ever end, but I know that eventually it'll stop giving me dopamine bevause my brain is my worst fucking enemy 🙃 like my arcana fixation is to date the longest running hyperfixation I've ever had, going on almost three years, and I used to not be able to spend every single second of every day thinking about Asra, but now... I just feel nothing when I look at arcana stuff. As you can probz tell by the fact that I hardly post arcana anymore 😂 So I know that eventually all my happiness will end, it always does, I can never stay just as obsessed with something as I was for long. I CANT SHARE THE LIST BECAUSE I DONT *HAVE* TASTE YET 😭 I'm basically just compiling a list of any group someone tells me I should look into, ranked by how strong the kitty purred upon googling pics of them 😂 My mom read my ass to FILTH over txt lmfao she was like "they're not that adorable. Maybe your standard for adorableness has gone down with You Know Who still on hiatus 🤔" bfjwhdhd like MOMMAAAAA THE LIBRARY IS CLOSED 😂 she attacks me any time I even hint at stanning other groups, she is a skz purist and stans skz only, unofficial Momma Stay of All Stays keeping me in check lmfao.

I feel like skz really do follow thru on their promise that they're a safe space for stays, it's nice to see that they hold space for anyone and everyone in their fanbase and do it in a really simple and elegant way, I feel. Like they never make it seem like "okay here are the fans and here are the token weirdos that were only recognizing to make a buck off of them" the way a lot of artists make it feel like 😑 like they don't go out of their way to act like it's some revolutionary act to do the bare minimum of not shitting on certain parts of the fandom, if that makes sense. They feel very "yeah, of course we love all our stays, this is a welcoming space for literally anyone, that's how it should be, that should be normal," instead of like "Hi fans we love you 😊 and special shoutout to you ell gee bee tee folk, make sure to buy my rainbow merch after the show!!!" you know? Like, they're the friends who would never make you feel weird or different for some shit, the friends that take the attention off you if something they know ur sensitive about comes up, instead of weirdly snapping at whoever brought the unfomfy thing up which ruins the mood and makes you feel tiwce as bad, yk? They just give off this vibe that they, and the space they create with their music, is just a genuine and chill place to be and hang out and relax and bond. I feel like they'd be the friend group that is so goofy and sweet and silly and accepting and lovely and always makes you feel loved and excited to be alive 🥺 They are all good noodles 🥺🥺🥺

#felix-bi-anon #asksteppie

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starshinewriter · 4 years ago

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Chapters: 1/4 Fandom: DuckTales (Cartoon 2017) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Dewey Duck & Donald Duck & Huey Duck & Louie Duck & Webby Vanderquack, Della Duck & Dewey Duck & Huey Duck & Louie Duck & Webby Vanderquack, Dewey Duck & Huey Duck & Louie Duck & Scrooge McDuck & Webby Vanderquack, Bentina Beakley & Dewey Duck & Huey Duck & Louie Duck & Webby Vanderquack Characters: Donald Duck, Della Duck, Scrooge McDuck, Bentina Beakley, Huey Duck, Dewey Duck, Louie Duck, Webby Vanderquack Additional Tags: Family Fluff, Parent Donald Duck, Parent Della Duck Summary:

Each of the adults bonding with each of the kids.

Chapter One: Donald

Alternative to ao3:

Huey

Sometimes after he had had a particularly hard day Huey would go to his Uncle, Donald knew this- which is why he wasn't surprised when his oldest nephew suddenly showed up at his door. He did wish it wasn't happening so much lately though, it wasn't because he didn't like spending time with his boys or anything, quite the contrary actually, it was just cause he always hated when things were hard for them. But, that's what he was there for.

He let his nephew in with an understanding smile and led him to the couch. "Want anything to eat or drink?" There was more to that than just good hospitality, he knew Huey often forgot to take care of himself on days like these and he wasn't sure if his brothers had been around to remind him.

"Yes, please." So that was a no then. He went to the kitchen to grab some stuff as he wanted for him to start talking.

"I think I wanna quit the Junior Woodchucks." And that made him stop, Huey loved the junior woodchucks, more than he loved anything else, what could possibly make him want to quit? "No one there likes me. All they do is make fun of me and call me a robot, they take all the fun out of it." That was still happening? What were those scoutmasters doing?

Donald sighed as he handed Huey what he had gotten him and sat down. He knew he didn't want to quit, not really, but he also knew how tough dealing with bullies could be. They really did take the fun out of everything. "Geez, kiddo, I'm sorry that's still happening. If that's what you really want... I'm sure you can find something else that entertains you just as much. And if you ever change your mind all you have to do is let me know." Huey looked at his Uncle, not having expected that answer. He fully thought he would try to convince him to stay and stick it out. Well, okay then; he was quitting. Though thinking that, was he sure that's what he really wanted?

No, it wasn't. "I changed my mind!" Donald smiled at him, proud of him for being able to come to that conclusion so quickly. He knew he would, all he needed was a little push. "I wanna stay, I love being a woodchuck! I just wish they would stop..."

"I know. You can't control other people, and that's unfortunate in times like this but it's the truth. But there are other ways. Della and I, we'll talk to the scoutmasters, again, this is going too far and something needs to be done to those kids so they can see that it's not okay. And if that doesn't get them to stop we'll figure something else out, but, Huey, you're not alone in this. We all have your back, no matter what happens." Huey smiled at his Uncle and hugged him.

"Thanks, Uncle Donald. I can't lie and say I feel completely better but it helps to know that."

"I'm glad." He pushed the plate towards him. "Now eat."

Huey took a drink of water, "Yes, Uncle Donald." Donald rubbed his head and started thinking of ways he and his sister could get through to those scoutmasters. He knew Launchpad was there, and would definitely do something about it but the others... they would harder to convince. But he would do it, his nephew was more than worth it.

_______________________________________________________________

Dewey

Adventures weren't something Donald went on often, but it was something he was getting better at. He loved being with his family, and after eleven years they were finally whole again. He wasn't gonna miss out on that.

But with adventures came danger and he still wasn't sure if he wanted his kids around that, but he knew he could better protect them if he went with them. So, he had many reasons for going again. Especially when he had kids like Dewey, who ran into things headfirst without a second thought. He was getting better with it to be fair to him, but he still had his moments. Like right now.

Donald didn't blame him, it was the ADHD's fault not his, Dewey couldn't help it and he knew that well. That didn't mean he couldn't be upset about the situation.

After his nephew had run off into a potentially dangerous part of the cave they were currently in Donald had immediately gone after him. He had caught up to him before something bad could happen, thankfully, but it had ended up with them getting lost. And it wasn't like this was the first time Donald had gotten lost, it really wasn't, and it wasn't like he couldn't find his way back to the others, he could, it was just that Dewey had been doing so good lately so he couldn't understand why he backtracked. But they needed to talk about it.

"Dewey," He said to get his attention. "Let's talk."

"Alright. What about?"

Donald gave him a look, "I think you know. Why'd you run off like that? You've been on enough adventures by now to know how dangerous that is. I'm not mad, I just want to know why."

Dewey sighed, why had he done it? He wasn't sure he even knew... But, maybe he did. "I dunno, I guess I just thought it'd impress Mom, silly huh?"

"No, not at all." Donald comfortingly disagreed. Cause the thing was- that made a lot of sense, Dewey adored Della of course he wanted her to have a good impression of him. "But you don't have to, she's your Mom- she already loves you as much as she possibly could. You don't have to prove anything to her, or anyone else. And you certainly don't have to rush into dangerous situations to impress anyone." Donald kissed his forehead. "You're wonderful just the way you are. Now, let's get back to the others."

"How do we Dewey that?"

Donald smiled at him, "I'll show you. And if something like this happens again you'll know what to do."

"Okay, I trust you. You have to have gotten lost a bunch of times by now..."

"Hey!" He mockingly protested as Dewey laughed. Donald playfully shook his head then rubbed Dewey's and the two of them were off, jokingly bickering the whole way.

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Louie

Cooking was one of Donald's favorite pastimes, and it was also one of Louie's- which led to it being the time they spent the most time together. Louie also tended to open up to him more during that time, something about cooking putting him at a rare ease. Donald wasn't complaining. But this didn't seem to be like one of those times, it was like he was perfectly content, but in a different way. Donald was happy for him, he had grown a lot lately and he seemed much better for it. Not to say he wasn't good enough before, Donald would always think his boys were good enough just for existing, but he was always so... unsure of himself. Like he wasn't certain what his place was, and now he was.

"Careful with the splatter of that, Lou, wouldn't want you to hurt yourself." Donald warned.

"I know, Uncle Donald." He replied, but moved back anyway. "What do you think? Does it look good?"

Donald looked down at the pan, "Looks great. Now we can add the carrots." Louie made a face and Donald laughed. "It'll be good, I promise."

"Carrots are almost as bad as hotdogs!"

"Not the way I make them." Donald said in a sing-songy voice; Louie looked intrigued and he started explaining. He was able to get through the whole explanation without something bad happening, which was unusual but he had learned that his bad luck usually took a back seat while he was cooking. Thankfully, who knew what kind of trouble could happen if it didn't?

"Do you think I could try?"

Donald gestured to the pan, "Go ahead!" Louie started to do so as he watched over him, to make sure he did it right and didn't get hurt. Louie smiled to himself when he noticed that, there was a reason why Donald was his favorite adult and why he loved spending time like this with him. There was also one why he tended to treat him better than he did the other adults, the titles he would call them depended on his mood with them, but Uncle Donald was always Uncle Donald.

"Thanks for this, Uncle Donald, it's been fun."

He smiled at his nephew, "Anytime, kiddo, it's been fun for me too."

_______________________________________________________________

Webby

After a hard day's work there was nothing Donald liked more than to relax. And what better way to do that than by watching TV? That was why he was currently camped out in the den- until the inevitable interruption that forced him to get up happened. But for now he was content.

Then he heard a gasp from behind him. "Are you watching Tales of the Barge? Can I watch too?!" Webby, that was definitely Webby. No one else could sound so excited by the idea of watching a boat documentary. Even he, lover of boats and all things water-craft, was only watching it cause nothing else was on. But if she wanted to join him he wouldn't stop her.

"If you want." He felt movement next to him a few seconds later. Oh well, to each their own.

It was silent for a few minutes as the two of them watched the documentary and Donald began drifting off. He didn't mean to, but he was really tired. The couch moved next to him again and he forced his eyes open, he was hanging out with his honorary niece, he couldn't fall asleep. He looked at her and saw she was completely engrossed in the show and smiled to himself, she sure was something else. And he loved her so much for it.

"How was your day?" He asked her at the next commercial break.

She shrugged, "Pretty good. I had a few lessons with Granny, the boys and I played some games- I won most of them, but Dewey thinks he did. Lena, Vi, and I are hanging out tomorrow so that'll be fun! I already have so many ideas for what we can do- oo! Maybe the boys will come along too, it's always funner when it's all of us! Although I hope there's not a repeat of last time... So, how was your day, Uncle Donald?"

"Long." He replied and she laughed. "At least the hard part's over now. So you're really interested in this movie huh?"

She nodded enthusiastically, "You know how much I like learning stuff! I can never know too much!"

He did. "Well, if you wanna learn more about boats I'd be happy to teach you." She gasped,

"Really?" He nodded. "I would love that, thank you, Uncle Donald!" She lunged and hugged him, thankfully he was more than used to being tackled by excited kids and wasn't thrown back at all. He was a bit surprised at how excited she was though, none of the boys were even remotely interested in that kind of stuff. But now he did have someone who was, so really this was a win for both of them. And there also was the bonus that he got to spend more time with her, they really didn't get to hang out much. Well, that was changing now. And he was more than looking forward to it.

#ducktales 2017 #donald duck 2017 #donald huey dewey louie and webby 2017

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infiniteglitterfall · 5 years ago

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Hi! I have atypical autism and I’m having trouble at work. I feel like no work place is working out for me because of my diagnosis. I’m uncomfortable around my colleagues, I’m quiet, I don’t know when to speak or what to say etc. I’m sad, mad and frustrated that this ruins every work place for me and I don’t know what job would fit me. I’ve never told my bosses that I have atypical autism and I don’t want to do it either. I want advice on what I should do

this is a great question! I didn’t know what atypical autism was, but I googled it and it sounds like they came up with this because they can’t call it asperger’s anymore? “a subthreshold diagnosis, presenting with some symptoms of autism but insufficient to meet criteria for a diagnosis of childhood autism (or autistic disorder). Alternatively, atypical autism can be diagnosed when there is a late onset of symptomatology.” Aka DDNOS, apparently. From my perspective, it doesn’t sound different from any other autistic experience. FWIW. I think they tend to base their diagnostic labels more on how we seem from the outside than what our experiences really are. just my onion It sounds like you’re struggling with social anxiety, in that special vicious-cycle kind of way where not knowing how to interact with people makes you more anxious, and that makes it harder to interact with them, which makes you more anxious....? The nice thing about vicious cycles is that you only have to knock out part of the cycle to make the whole thing fall apart. Like: if you didn’t feel anxious about not knowing when to speak or what to say, it would be easier to figure out when to speak or what to say. Which, in turn, would give you less reason to feel anxious about it, et cetera. Or, if you knew what to say to them and how to hit it off, you would have fewer triggers for your anxiety, which would then make it easier to.... you get the idea. There are a lot of things that help with social anxiety. I am going to give a shout-out to medication, first of all. There are a lot of life hacks and therapeutic techniques that help a lot. And for yeeeeeaaaars, I didn’t realize that I really had anxiety, and also, thought that I “should” see if I could manage anything myself before “resorting to” meds. Turns out, medication saves me a TON of spoons, which I was previously using to “manage” depression, anxiety, and ADHD. You would not BELIEVE how much more energy and just general functionality I had when I finally got my meds right. OMFG. It can be a pain in the ass to find the right medication, especially if it means first having to find a medical practitioner that can help you and then having to explain the situation. Sometimes you find something that helps you right away. Sometimes you have to try different things to find something that works well enough. Sometimes you get the fun of “doesn’t work for me AND has bad side effects for me.” (OTOH, when looking at side effects, always remember that you might not get any of the side effects.) IMHO, the hardest part of finding the right medication is that a lot of practitioners don’t know how to track whether it’s helping you or not. Or whether it’s helping ENOUGH. Like: I got on anxiety meds that were starting to help, but which were making my ADHD meds not work. I tried a bunch of other things, and finally got Vyvanse to work for my ADHD. But I managed to FORGET that my anxiety meds weren’t doing anything, for a full year, until things got really bad and I was like “wait a minute... these should be helping????” And I did some research, accidentally found a competent psychiatrist, and found that Cymbalta worked for me... but even then, if I hadn’t found decent tools for assessing if it was enough, I would’ve stopped at like half the dose I actually needed to be on. This post is gonna be long as it is, so I’m gonna reblog to add different tools you can use to gauge what’s working, and which will help medical professionals understand what you’re experiencing. (Because tbh, they’re often just plain ignorant about this shit.) You do not necessarily have to go to a psychiatrist to get medication for anxiety, social or otherwise! My partner’s OBGYN prescribed him depression meds. My family doctor was willing to prescribe stuff for depression and anxiety, but only if it was something that didn’t potentially interact with ADHD meds. My chosen brother’s doctor was asking EVERYBODY, after the 2016 election, how they were doing and if they needed depression/anxiety meds. (And they’re in North Carolina!) He had never really thought about it before, and in fact, when he started taking them, his social anxiety got so much better that he was doing shit like going back into the store to tell them they’d given him too much change. He was the one who got me to think about taking them. He had a little kid, and he was like, "I’m doing this for my family.” Ok, medication aside: Some kinds of therapy are really good for figuring out how to interact with people. I’ve been learning a lot about different modalities, and I would recommend finding someone who does what’s called “relational therapy” or “relational-cultural therapy.” Basically, relational therapy is ALL about learning how to interact with people and have better relationships of all kinds. It’s very connected with issues of marginalization: people who are into relational therapy learn about how marginalization, and abuse, affect us and our relationships. Like, how we can internalize a ton of shame, just from being autistic and being devalued by the people around us. Even just from existing in a world that doesn’t value or understand how we communicate, and how we experience things. And it’s really good for identifying that stuff, healing from the struggles of trying to interact with people, and learning how to relate to people in a way that works for you. I found an organization that explains it pretty well (”Are you anxious when it comes to social situations like the workplace?... If we are depressed or anxious, inevitably it can be traced back to tension or breakdowns in relationships, or an inability to connect”), has a blog post in the sidebar called “Signs of Aspergers In Adults - Sound Familiar?” and apparently does therapy globally via Skype. I have never used them, I don’t know anything about them, I just googled “relational therapy” “online therapist.” (Shockingly, tho, that blog post not only links to one by an actually autistic person, but is very positive about autistic traits. I’m impressed so far. And I’m sure there are other options out there, too.) Lastly (as far as Things That I Personally Know Work go), I’ve gotten a LOT of recovery around social anxiety, and learned how to build relationships at work, from 12-step programs. The reason it works for that, as far as I can tell, is: • It’s a peer-led model, where everyone is equal. (this was huge to me, because I really struggled for a long time with feeling like everyone knew better than I did and had more of a right to talk about anything than I did, and therapy was a tough way to deal with things at that point because I saw the therapist as A Professional who’s In Charge.) • There’s a lot of emphasis on the fact that the newcomer who just walked into the room has as much of a right to give input in a business meeting, or to volunteer to help out with something that doesn’t require specific experience, or to share what’s going on with them, as anybody else. • Everybody there has gone through the same stuff as you, and anybody who’s helping you is showing you what worked for them, not what they were taught would work for people. That can be a pretty big difference, especially in terms of being able to relate to them and share personal things with them. • Working the steps involves a lot of writing about your fears and resentments, and looking at, basically, what has and hasn’t worked for you, and why it hasn’t worked. Really, what you're doing there is seeing where you can reclaim your power. And then you deal with a lot of shame, and get to discover how much you’re like other people, and how much you’re equal to other people, and that you’re a good addition to the world. • You also connect with your intuition, when working the steps, and develop a better sense of what’s intuition and what’s fear/anxiety. That, and sharing in meetings, REALLY helped me get a sense of what to say to people and get comfortable saying things. (A lot of people shorthand what I’m calling “intuition” as “god,” but it’s very much supposed to be a nonreligious idea of “god.” and IME, it’s basically your intuition, whether your belief system says that’s god talking to you, or a psychological thing, or a mystical force, or what.) Plus, 12-step stuff is free, which I’m very much in favor of lol. And most 12-step orgs have phone meetings and online meetings, so you don’t even have to go in person if that’s a barrier. (and in a phone meeting, they might not even know you’re there!) The tricky part can be figuring out which 12-step groups are good in your area and what might work for you. Because they range from Alcoholics Anonymous to, like... what’s the most obscure one I can think of? ARTS Anonymous, I guess. (it’s for artists who are stuck, it’s not saying art is an addiction) But if you wanted to try 12-step for this, I would say that Emotions Anonymous is really good for dealing with all sorts of emotional and mental health stuff. (and holy shit, they have an app????) Adult Children of Alcoholic and Dysfunctional Families has, iirc, a good book, (as well as all the meetings and whatnot) and most people probably qualify for that. If you have any experience with sexual assault, abuse, harassment, or being cheated on, COSA is good, and you end up working on all your other relationships and emotional stuff along the way.

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aion-rsa · 4 years ago

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Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts: Oz the Originator Steps Into the Spotlight

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When Kipo and the Age of the Wonderbeasts was released in January 2020, many viewers quickly became fans of not only the show but the music contained within, particularly that of in-show producer Oz the Originator. The tracks of Oz were especially loved because they brought main character Benson and his crush Troy together, a rare example of queer characters in kids animation. The two bonded over their favorite old world MC, with Benson in possession of several of his albums.

Only small snippets of the songs were heard in the series but it was enough to make the audience seek out the voice behind the songs. What they found was the multi talented Andra Gunter, a rapper, music producer, writer, and skate boarder who called the response from fans “unbelievable.”

In a previous interview with Den of Geek, Kipo creator Rad Sechrist sang Gunter’s praises, particularly for his scriptwriting. Co-showruner Bill Wolkoff echoed that sentiment, adding, “Andra is this amazing talent. Keep your eye out for him. He’s a great writer and great musician.”

But you don’t go from relative obscurity to being on a show and getting the praise of showrunners just like that. I was interested in learning not just about Gunter’s work on Kipo but everything that got him to that point as well. From his 2009 start in making music to his influences and even how his ADHD affects his work, Gunter let me into his thought process and how all that (and skateboarding) lead him to working on Kipo. We also discussed the Oz the Originator character, his new ‘Brave War’ album, and his screenplay work.

Gunter had a lot to say and I was delighted to sit back and listen as he shared both his and Oz the Orginator’s story, the two of which are more connected than you might realize.

DEN OF GEEK: Tell me a little of your story. I mean, this is a huge question, but how did you get to where you are today in terms of music?

ANDRA GUNTER: Well, definitely started music after seeing my brother make music. I always rapped and made music. I have heard numerous stories from my family of me trying to make music on radios and tape decks and stuff like that. But me remembering that I really wanted to do this, it was probably 2009.

What sort of music were you making then? Is it similar to what you’re doing now? What were some of your first big compositions then?

Well, at first, I was just starting off just probably a newb at it. Obviously, that’s how it starts off for everybody; you’re not that good at it. Eventually over time I started just concentrating on it every day by myself. I made my first real song, probably, 2010. I was making just pretty much all types of music, just anything that I could find the beat to and I could rhyme to it, I was pretty much doing it. I just wanted to make music, that was just the point, like, “Yo, whatever they got on the internet, whatever I can learn, then I’m going to do.”

What sort of things were you putting in your lyrics at the time? Was it just anything goes, or was there any specific themes that were coming out?

Well, I mean, 2010 was a really funny era for music. I feel like that time was Wiz Khalifa and Joey Badass, and that was the beginning of Tyler, the Creator. So it was a really expressive form at that time. Anything went. If you knew who Tyler, the Creator was in 2010, man, you knew what the rules were in rapping at that time.

There’s a long span of time between 2010 and now, how did your music evolve over that time? Obviously, it got better, as it does for any creative person, right? But what sort of things did you find yourself zeroing in on, a style that you liked or different themes that you wanted to use?

Well, I can say, in 2011 I was introduced to this type of music called jerk music, It was this really crazed dance called jerking in the black community, and I feel like all over the world. It was everywhere you could possibly think people wanted to dance. I got into making that music for my brother and his little cousin, and that music opened up my ear to just kind of everything, because at that time it was almost like dubstep music or like rave music in a different sense. Definitely doesn’t sound the same. It has the same point of sampling a lot of music, ranging from Anita Baker all the way down to System of a Down.

Samples were everywhere at that time, because it was a lot of new producers just going on the internet, finding something and trying to create their own sound. So that’s what gave me my style of just being all over the board and not really staying in one box. Even though jerk music was definitely one box, I feel like everybody that was doing jerk music had a range of a lot of different things.

And in that, did you find yourself sampling other people, and if so, what kind of samples were you using, or was it just anything goes?

Yeah, pretty much anything went. I mean, in those early days, I wasn’t really sampling because I was still really new to producing. So I didn’t really understand that part of it yet, but once I got a hang of it and I understood, then I was sampling like crazy. I definitely range all over the board too. The first thing I’ve ever sampled was a Earth, Wind & Fire song. Nowadays it’s more of listening to really weird that I’ve been finding through playlists and things like that. All the way from alternative, to deep soul, to punk rock, I sample everything now.

This is the music nerd question, what programs do you use to make your music?

Oh, yes. My favorite question of all. My first time ever using a program was FL Studio. It was FL Studio 9. My brother threw the USB at me, and was like, “Download this on the computer and learn how to use it.” After that, and he introduced me to that program, I never really turned back or tried to really go into a new program. I do know how to use programs because, I mean, they’re all kind of the same, but if I had to choose a program to use, it’s definitely FL Studio.

How did you eventually end up working on Kipo?

I want to say 2014 or ’15, I met Rad Sechrist, the creator of Kipo, through skateboarding. All my life I’ve been skateboarding, and at one point I got really good. I had a group of friends, and one of my friends in that group by the name of Isaiah, he was like, ” Yo, I got this friend. He works in animation, and he does this and he does that.” And mind you, Isaiah’s sort of that friend that you just don’t believe. You’re looking at him like, “Dude, what the fuck are you talking about? Who is this guy?” So this dude pulls up, and we’re 17, 18 years old at this time. It’s Isaiah’s 16th or 17th birthday, and this old white dude pulls up. I’m like, “Who’s this guy?”

So didn’t pay too much attention to Rad at first, but I guess from my personality and the way I talked to people that day, he just hit me up one day, was like, “Yo, I was really fucking with you, just your vibe in the car. So come through and check out some of the stuff I’m doing.” And I was like, “All right.” And then that’s when I believed that he was an animator and storyboard artist, because he brought me to one of his offices where he was working on this movie about a dragon, and it was fucking crazy. I’m in this place and I’m watching him draw on a Cintiq for the first time with all this crazy artwork on the wall, and I’m just amazed.

At this time, there was a company he was running, it was a skateboard company called Plastic Walrus. He was like, “Yeah, I want you to ride for my company and stuff like that,” and I’m like, “Bro, I will do anything you want me to do. Look at the office here.” At that point I just started hanging out with Rad a little bit more. I was going out to Silver Lake, because I live in Watts, California. I was going all the way out to Silver Lake, catching three trains just to go meet up with him and get boards and stuff.

Then, eventually, I checked into college, Los Angeles Trade Tech College. And then that’s when I got into pretty much being a writer because at first I was really uncertain on what I wanted to do, in general. But I got into writing, I got in this English class in college and started writing. I was writing these poems and writing these short stories for class and sending them around, and Brad’s like, “Yo, you’re a writer, dude. You should try to write.” I was like, “I don’t really want to write. I got this music for you though,” and I sent him a whole bunch of music. And then that’s how I got considered for Kipo, him pretty much introducing writing to me and me telling him, “I am already a writer. I write music,” and then sending him my music.

I spoke with Rad before this interview and he mentioned that originally he was just hoping you’d temp on the tracks but then the higher ups at DreamWorks loved it so much they put it into the show. When did you find out about that?

That shit just happened random, dude. Obviously, you don’t know what’s really going on in the office. You just send in an email and you hope for an email back. I sent maybe 30 songs and there was a whole bunch of different years I did these songs. One era it’s from 2012 to 2014, and the others continue to 2015 to now. I wasn’t sure they were even going to consider it. So I’m texting Rad, and I’m like, “Dude, I need to find something else to do.” At this time, I didn’t have a job. I had just checked into college. They weren’t trying to give me financial aid. So I was like, “I need something to do, dude, to get money.” He’s like, “Dude, I got you. I know they have something for you. You can be a writer if you start writing.”

He’s telling me all the things I need in order to get a writing job over at DreamWorks, and I’m not listening to that. I’m just like, “Dude, just send them my music, just please, that’s what I do. There’s nothing else I can do but make music.” So after a hop, skip, and a shove I get an email from the music department over at DreamWorks, and then they tell me they’re considering a couple of songs. I’m pretty sure that shit just happened random. Rad probably was in their ear so much that they’re like, “All right, we’re just going to hit this kid up.”

So was it just that they took what you had existing, or did they ask you to adapt it to fit the show more?

(Of the) 30 songs I sent in maybe two of them were considered. In episode ten when Benson finds Troy, that part where the tape deck falls out of his backpack, that song is an original song I did probably when I first met Rad. It was before he even knew I did music. That song was definitely not altered to fit the show.

There’s another episode where (the characters are) eating breakfast. That song is also an original song that I made in my room, and they didn’t make me alter it, they didn’t make me re-edit it or anything. It was perfect enough to just go inside the show.

I know you were listed as vocal contributor on the credits, did you end up recording more music specifically for the show?

Rad was hitting me up like, “Yeah, dude. They’re loving the shit you sent, and we’re pushing towards putting that in the show, for sure.” He was telling me every step of the way about my original songs. He’s like, “But there’s more.” I was like, “What’s more?” And he’s like, “Well, they’re trying to record original songs because the Kipo script is pretty much musically based. It’s almost like a musical.” So he’s like, “I got this guy that we’re hiring, his name’s Daniel Rojas.” He gives me the whole rundown on this dude, and I’m already kind of fan crazed, because he brings up Hans Zimmer. He told me Daniel used to work with Hans Zimmerman, and I’m like, “Dude, what the… Do you know who Hans Zimmerman is in the music world?” You know what I mean? So instantly, right there, I’m like, “Yo, set me up with this guy. I got to see who this is.” So we set up a meeting with Daniel, and I go to his studio.

You know how Jonah Hill looks like he’s fricking 21, but he’s almost 40 years old? That’s what Daniel looked like. He’s this really young looking older dude. So already I was really intrigued by this guy. I’m like, “Yo, you look like a baby man.” He’s like, “Yeah, we get real cool. We chop it up. I got a couple of songs that I produced for the show, and I want you to rap over these beats.” So that’s when we got to the point where they were trying to get me to make songs for the show.

When you were rapping over it, did they give you lyrics, or were they just like, “Just freestyle over it.”

Oh, no. If they would’ve gave me the verse, I don’t think I would’ve got credit. So, (I) definitely wrote the verses. I was so excited, I wrote those verses in like five minutes.

Oh, wow. Did they give you any directives about what they needed to be about, or was it just like, “go for it”?

At first it was like, “Go for it so we can get a feel,” but once I started showing them and rapping it out loud, Rad’s like, “There’s certain things you can’t say in the song.” During the song they were telling me what I could say and what I couldn’t say, and what I could make it about and what I couldn’t make it about. They didn’t coach me through it. They let me do my thing, but, ultimately, told me there was an outline of what I needed to be talking about.

I was comparing the songs from Kipo to the ones on your recent Brave War album. The Kipo songs feel a little bit lighter. Your own music feels heavier. Can you talk a little bit more about those differences?

I definitely had to tone it down a bit for the DreamWorks songs. Obviously, DreamWorks is not going to let me go talk about what’s going on in my mental health. Kipo a kids’ show. The songs I had originally made; I was younger and my head space was in a way different space from what I’m making now.

Talk to me about the Oz the Originator character that your songs are attributed to in the show. Did they give you an outline of who he was?

His story and his outlook of who he is, (his) songs are supposed to speak for him. Those songs are pretty much saying exactly what he’s going through in those times of whatever he’s going through in his miscellaneous life. Oz is like Tyler, the Creator in an alternative universe. That’s the way I would like to see it.

So then, let’s talk about your album ‘The Brave War.’ You’ve said it’s an introduction to who Oz the Originator is. Tell me a little bit about the kind of songs that you want to have under that name, especially, because I know that you changed your name from what you originally had, right?

I’m Andra, at the end of the day, I’m Andra Gunter, but I definitely have different characters I portray, like Oz the Originator and Tim Lynch and that’s probably it right now. I’ve portrayed so many characters over the years, but those are the two main ones right now that are for sure people.

What would you say is the difference between the Lynch character and then Oz the Originator, in regards to the sound or how you’re going through the music? What are the differences?

Tim Lynch just doesn’t give a fuck about anything. That guy is more of the hard core hijinks that we all love and miss from the early ’90s. I feel like that’s what Tim Lynch is all about, just the hijinks era, and just being free and being able to express yourself the way you want to express yourself. I

Oz is, I want to say, the 2.0 version of Lynch. He’s what Lynch was supposed to be. They’re brothers. Oz and Tim Lynch are brothers, because The Brave War comes from a script, my first script I ever wrote, and technically, The Brave War album that I dropped is the soundtrack to the script. So Tim Lynch and Oz are definitely brothers, and Oz is supposed to be carrying the torch for Tim Lynch, because Tim Lynch is a era that rose and died recently. I let go of trying to pursue the Tim Lynch name early 2020, just because I wanted to concentrate more on writing and stuff. I’ve been Tim Lynch since 2009, dude. So, I was ready to give him his proper burial.

What made you want to switch?

Well, I write screenplays. Right now I’m working on a feature film, but Oz was just… He was just a really cool idea, at the time, and he developed into what he is now. I don’t really think Oz was supposed to go this far, but obviously some things you just can’t stop. The Oz the Originator character is a really dope character, in my opinion. He’s one of the tightest people I’ve ever seen on the mic. The way I see it is, it’s real, but it’s not. Oz is an illusion.

In terms of ‘The Brave War’ album, I love that you said that it was the soundtrack for a script you wrote. Tell me more about either the making of the album or the feeling behind it. What are you trying to put out to the world with that album?

I just wanted you to see the brave war that you would have to go through, inside of yourself. That whole album is pretty much me going through the brave war. As of a year and a half ago, I lost my mom due to cancer, stage four liver cancer. My whole life, obviously, did a complete 360. So what Oz is, is like my afterbirth after my mom passed. Tim Lynch is when my mom’s around, and then Oz is after, to express the original feelings.

Oz is an expressor. That’s what that whole album is about. It’s about expression, me getting people to understand what my mental health state is, and what Oz is going through. The script is definitely based on my life, but it’s not. It’s obviously altered. It’s pretty much me going through my emotions as I get through my life in the script. So it’s just the emotions of the script, just everything you could possibly feel as a skateboarder, as an up-and-coming rapper, skater that just lost a parent and has to be on their own now.

Going forward career-wise are you more focused music, the writing, or skating? Is it all three?

Well, I don’t really want to compare myself to nobody, but I’m going to be one of those guys who does it all. I definitely am inspired and look up to Donald Glover, who is also Childish Gambino. He writes movies, he writes TV shows, he acts in TV shows, he makes music, he’s one of the greatest artists on the planet. So pretty much just the Donald Glover outlook. It’s a little bit of everything.

Is there anything else that you are working on right now that you can talk about, or the stuff that you want to be writing? What’s the big writing stuff for you?

I can say I am going to be dropping some new music on SoundCloud when July comes and the summer starts. Obviously, everyone needs some new tunes to cook some barbecue to. So I’m definitely going to be dropping some new songs as Tim Lynch and some new Andra Gunter songs. I kind of want to retire Oz, but I won’t say I retire him yet. We’re going to throw Oz in the air and say, “We don’t know what’s going to happen with him right now,” but there’s definitely going to be new music.

You said you had retired Lynch before. Are you going to bring him back in now?

Well, the idea of Lynch is that he went off to the Navy. Now he’s coming back, and Oz is… he’s taking a hiatus right now. We have some legal issues going on with the album, so we’re trying to settle those out right now.

What’s the reaction you’ve gotten from Kipo fans? What’s it been like to get that attention?

Oh, man. I’ve been making music for a long time, like I keep saying. This year alone has showed me that there are people who actually like me. As a artist, you go through the motions of everything, who likes me, this and that, and you don’t really know where you are until people tell you in music. For a long time didn’t know my musical worth and where it was going to go. I did know that I was definitely going to have my song in a TV show, just because of personal reasons. I have an uncle, by the way, who was in Afro Samurai. He did the same thing I’m doing, he did a couple of original songs for the show.

I already had a outlook of what I wanted to do in my life, so when this came about, I definitely took the opportunity and I ran with it. The response of all the people showing me love is just… it’s kind of unbelievable. I have actual fans now and people who ask me questions and people who want to actually know what’s up with me, which is a new feeling. This definitely doesn’t feel like it did before, so it’s pretty crazy.

What’s it like knowing that your music is the favorite of a fictional cartoon character that unites this fictional cartoon boy with another boy?

I think that’s just dope, dude. This is some of the craziest things to be involved with. I told a lot of people that this is making history. This show is doing so many things that have never been done in the history of animation. When I found out Benson liked Oz the Originator, I was pretty ecstatic. I was like, “Yo, that kind of changes my life, in a way, because now I have to live up to Benson’s expectations. What are his expectations now?”

What other messages do you have for the people out there?

I am an advocate of kids with ADHD. So, for anyone who’s out there questioning their worth or not knowing how they’re going to get through the mental breakdowns we go through every 20 minutes, I want them to know that our minds are important. Our fast-paced moving minds are very important. We’re important. That’s what I just want to say.

Can you talk a little more about working with ADHD when you’re writing scripts or music?

Working with ADHD definitely is a fucking uphill battle, dude. I struggle, still, every day with a lot of things but I feel like it helps me. My uphill battle is a fun uphill battle. It’s not completely just digging into the dirt. I get to go here and get to go there because my mind has this thing where it hyper-focuses on certain things I want to do. I think working with ADHD is a good thing and a bad thing, all at the same time. I feel like my mind is a couple steps ahead of a lot of people’s at some times, because I’m hyperly thinking at all times. I feel like my ADHD has gotten me to where I am today.

If wasn’t for that, I don’t think I would be in the show. I don’t think I would be able to write a script. There’s a lot of things I don’t think I would be able to do had I not had ADHD, but I’m not going to glorify it. So, it’s a good and bad thing.

Any other messages you want to throw out there?

Yeah. Go check out my music, please.

You can check out Gunter’s music and all his other work here, where you can stream all of his music and more!

The post Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts: Oz the Originator Steps Into the Spotlight appeared first on Den of Geek.

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sweet-teeth-mfs · 4 years ago

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10 Questions Tag

Rules: Answer ten questions, then write your own and tag ten people.

I was tagged by @gotmetalkinginmysleep 👋🏻

My questions:

1. Night owl or Early Bird? Why?

Night owl for sure, although I really love the early hours of the day. I think my adhd brain is naturally suited to taking a long time to warm up some days, so my thinking becomes clearest around 4pm onwards. Its not helped by the fact that I’ve spent so much of my life working in the evenings. I love sunshine, and it pretty much energises me unlike any other thing, so whilst I feel like my brain works best in the dark, my soul works best in the sunshine.

2. You have alone time. What are you likely to be doing?

Ngl, when I’ve had alone time in the last three months (during lock down) the first thing I’ve done is have a quick wank. I try to get one in every day or every other day (alongside sex) just to keep myself sane. That or having a cry, which is something I kind of prefer to do alone.

3. Congrats. You win the lottery. What’s the first thing you’d do for yourself?

Aside from the whole ‘Put a bunch of it in savings so I don’t go fucking crazy’ and ‘Buy my parents houses so they’re all sorted and I don’t have to worry about them in that way’ - the first Big thing I’d buy would be property. I’d buy myself a house, and or an apartment. I haven’t lived in an owned property since my mother bought her first house when I was 16 - and I lived there for like 3 years and then have rented ever since. I’ve always wanted a place that I got to do whatever the fuck I wanted in.

The second thing I’d buy is an airplane ticket.

4. When you sleep, in what position are you most likely to wake up in?

I sleep like Yoongi & Taehyung do, fetal and/or with body pillows, so that’s what I usually wake up in. Apparently a common complaint is that my partners end up with my knees in their backs. So....

5. Does ASMR work for you?

Not specifically, but I do really love background white noise playlists, and natural noise playlists, so I guess it kinda does? I work best in high summer, because it’s usually super sunny, boosting my mood, and its also a noisy time of year for natural sounds. I also used to live near the ocean, and the sound of water is especially soothing to me, in all its forms (rain, storms, rivers, seaside).

6. If you could meet with anyone, dead / alive etc for a chat over coffee, who would you want to converse with?

I’m really not sure about this one. Most people would assume I’d want to talk to my brother (who died a few years ago), or maybe my grandparents, who all died before I was 11. I’m honestly not sure.

Should I say some celebrity, who I’d probably have some completely cringeworthy conversation with? Should I say all the people I love who live way too far away from me right now (family, friends)?

I think I’m going to go with...me. I’d like to meet myself, perhaps an older (or younger) me. I’d like to know how they are. What they’re feeling, what they’re concerned about, what’s making them laugh lately... that’d be nice.

7. What keeps you going?

Am I stubborn? or am I just determined? I don’t know where it comes from, but by god the world has tried to fuck me over SO. MANY. TIMES and I have been broken, abused, neglected, beaten and taken advantage of, I’ve been down and out so many times I practically own the bar at the bottom of the gutter, but somehow, somehowwwwww, I keep getting up.

I see it as no contest. I don’t want to die. I don’t want others to win over my dead body. So, I get up.

Don’t get me wrong - I am swearing and spitting and kicking and sneering all the way up, and I am more than angry that I have to struggle, but - who am I kidding? I’m always getting up. I keep going, and sometimes all I have to keep me going is the fact that I’m already walking and I hate the alternate, but sometimes that has to be enough. Whynot just be Buddhist about it? All life is suffering, but hey, it’s LIFE, and holy shit aren’t we lucky? I’m getting my life, come hell or high water.

8. You have the munchies. What are you likely to make yourself?

One of my go-to snacks is cut apple w/ cheese (crackers & apple chutney if you have it!)

9. How would you characterise your inner voice?

I swear like a fucking sailor let me tell you. I would say my inner voice bounces between a lot of emotions, and can jump from one to another quite easily, but I am consistently a cynical yet romantic, critical yet nostalgic, happy but solemn, silly but serious, sexy yet shy, respectful and cocky motherfucker.

10. What place is a draw for you?

I mean, if we’re talking about ‘places’ like locations, I’d say old spaces, ancient sites, historical sites, holy sites, quiet yet spiritual places etc. If we’re talking about actual countries, Italy & Japan.

But on a really simple level - I fucking love a good hotel. I am not the person who prefers camping, or even prefers being at home. I love being at home, sure, and the convenience, but goddamn do I love me a hotel suite.

I was raised in a YHA, so this might be something to do with how I feel really relaxed in hotels, hostels, guest houses and the like. I was raised in them, have worked in them, and thanks to the extensive travelling I did in my teens and twenties, I’ve stayed in quite a few of them all over the world. I’m choosy as fuck and have Serious Opinions™️ about what makes a good hotel, a good room, a good shower, etc. It truly is a hidden art.

All my favourite daydreams usually occur in hotels too. 😘

Thanks for tagging me Kiki! ❤️

#tag game #ask game #i don't always tag along #just cause i dont want to impose #but also i dont have the energy to think of new qs #but thank you for tagging me!!!.#i love these kind of things #you discover something about yourself every time #about edie #edie's opinion #about me

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