#wallah why do i talk to much but say so little?!

[badedramay]

Breakdown of the Kim and Daood scenes from this week? 🤓

OH DO I HAVE WORDS TO SAY!!!!!

i can't believe how Yunhi is shaping up to be such a comfort watch for me. the mellow mood of the show..the quietness with which it does its thing..the gentle manner in which all the characters behave...all of it is very very comforting. even in situations where characters of other shows wouldn't hesitate in creating intense melodrama..the characters in Yunhi remain grounded and sensible. it's beautiful, i love it.

so, a LOT happened although in canon not even a day passed? Kim learned about Naveed's betrayal (yeah it is what it is). in her haste to apologize for her mistake she ended up making things worse for Dawood's family. Kim, rightfully, got reprimanded for her behavior. but gawwwwdddd it still warmed my heart. IQBAL, the one person who perhaps had disliked Kim the MOST when she had arrived in the house, was the one to gently make Kim understand how sometimes truth is the most dangerous thing one can hold. and that sometimes withholding truth in favor of harmless lies can save a person many troubles. Kim wears her truth like a badge of honor. her bluntness is a point of pride for her. since the start we have seen her practically sneering in contempt at these people who live their lives being hypocrites. who hide their truths and thus, live a life that's not honest. for Kim that's the worst way to live a life.

what Kim doesn't understand is that in a closely knit household..some level of hypocrisy is necessary to maintain a peaceful environment. some truths better hidden while ALL truths better phrased carefully lest they do more damage. Dawood and Dadajaan were going to ask Dawood's friends the same thing Kim wanted to ask them. however, they'd have phrased it in a less truthful but fully harmless way. but in comes Kim wielding her TRUTH and she blurted out in the worst possible way. her intentions were right..she wanted to apologize for accusing them. but her manner of doing so was wrong. so yeah..Dawood had every right to reprimand her for it.

what's BEAUTIFUL is how even when Dawood was calling her out..he was still so gentle with her. he wasn't scolding or shouting or spitting out in anger. he just told her, BLUNTLY, how she had screwed up. and Kim who knows what honest bluntness is fully understood where Dawood was coming from. she wasn't offended, she knew she had no right to be when she was in the wrong. the beauty of Kim is that if she is quick to point out the wrong in others, she's quick to accept the wrong in herself.

off goes Kim to apologize to Dawood's friend which was just a whole hilarity in itself. the "visa sponsor karden" wali request..the lie aunty made up about her diabetes, and Kim..my sweet innocent pure CHILD Kim..completely unable to read this social cue of someone making up an obviously fake story to save face taking that lie as truth and giving medical advice while Suraiya sat next to her trying her best to control her laughter...I LOVED IT SO MUCH!!! IT'S THESE LITTLE THINGS THAT MAKE YUNHI A PLEASANT WATCH!!

Kim's reaction to her father's betrayal was quite cold and also befitting her character. Dawood, bless his soul, continue to try make conversation with her going so far as to provoke her just to get a reaction out of her. but Kim is quite adamant when she makes a decision. which is what ultimately the big conflict™ between them will be about - her zidd to leave, his zidd to give her reasons to stay (gah i love it) I must say..Kim and Dawood have a very mature relationship considering how they are comfortable being in the same space. that shot of Kim playing with the flowers on the bed while Dawood unpacked his stuff...there was something so casual and everyday about how they were positioned? otherwise you'd see these newly wed characters trying to avoid being in the same space as much as they can but with Kim&Dawood there's this tacit understanding that this relationship and whatever tension that comes with it need NOT be anything overwhelming until they themselves give it the power to. it's quite interesting to watch.

NOW THE BIG FINISH!!! their terrace convo. major applause to Yunhi for addressing the criticism it got in such a wonderful manner. as Kim went on and on making another of her points­™ about how people judge women by the clothes they wear and completely disregard any goodness they have cuz how can a person be decent if their attire is "indecent"? first Dawood, while smiling, counters that you need to spend TIME with people to understand if they are good or not..a veiled critique of Kim's stubborn refusal to believe this household can have good people because of her own preconceived notions. and then Dawood drops the bomb (pun intended) that this very thing that Kim feels so offended about...didn't SHE do the very same thing to HIM when she first met him? Kim's passionate defense of a person's character not being defined by what they wear and how they appear to be...doesn't it reek of HYPOCRISY when she also judged Dawood to be a terrorist because he was wearing a traditional attire? and Kim, who has always something to say, WAS LEFT SPEECHLESS.

GAAAAHHHH I LOVE THIS. I LOVEEEEEEE THIS DYNAMIC THEY HAVE!!!! if he isn't always right, she isn't either. and they KNOW this. when they talk..they learn things about each other and accept them. there's no one FORCING the other to change. just them simply saying 'this is me. understand me. and accept me as i am.' this rids of their relationship from any power imbalance. as Dawood said..i'll accept your terms today and in exchange you'll have to accept mine tomorrow. this is how their relationship going to be. honest and a one where they both can demand the other for efforts because they THEMSELVES will be putting in that effort. oh..i am so so SO excited to watch it unfold. Sunday cannot come sooner. i am HOOKED!!!

[criminalspacebros]

corruption, part 1 - space au

Y’all wanted to see how Jay corrupted Cole? Well, wallah! Part 1! AHAH.

Quick summary/notes: This is all after Kai and Nya hunted them down, if you hadn’t noticed. They, and Lloyd and Garmadon, needed their help to stop Harumi and steal something back from her that she stole from them: one of the items, a white, diamond shaped gem. Harumi is dangerous. She’s cold, witty, and manipulative, and has found a way to use Jay for her benefits after an incident when he got left behind on a mission. Here, Cole finds Jay to take him back, but is a little too late.

He was hiding behind a tower of boxes when Cole had came for him. He wasn’t quite sure how his friend had found him, but he did, and that was all that mattered.

Jay switched positions onto his knees, but just before he could stand, Harumi’s voice nagged back at him. Whatever that witch did to him, he hated it. And he sure hoped that her voice wasn’t going to stick around any longer.

What do you think you’re doing? You can’t just leave. I need you. Do you understand?

“I have to go…” Jay whispered under his breath, glancing up at Cole.

The fugitive smiled down at him, hastily taking hold of Jay’s hand and yanking him to his feet. All at once, he was pulled in for a hug by his boyfriend. “I missed you so much.”

Jay brought his arms up in return, wrapping them around Cole as he buried his face in his chest. “I’m so sorry. Please, just, don’t ever leave me again, I-”

Jay pulled away gently, a smile tickling his face. “Hey, it’s not your fault. If I hadn’t gone back, I wouldn’t have gotten left behind.”

“But I could have, should have checked. And then Kai, he didn’t want to go back… I just wanted so badly to get out of there, ugh, I… I’m glad you’re safe.”

“Yeah, safe,” the space pirate muttered softly as Cole pulled Jay’s head against his chest again.

As much as Cole wanted to enjoy the moment, he pulled away, running a hand down Jay’s arm until, intertwining his fingers with Jay. “We have to get out of here. Pixal and Nya are waiting for us at the docks. Jay we have to go.”

Do you really want to go back with him, to them?

“Yes. I- I mean, yeah, we have to go.”

With a smile, Cole started to run, this time making sure to keep Jay right by his side.

You’re only going to mess things up, again.

Jay clenched his teeth, shutting his eyes as he tried to block out Harumi’s voice.

Jay.

No.

Jay.

No.

JAY… I thought you wanted to fix things.

Jay shook his head, taking deep breaths. Heavens, was he sick and tired of hearing Harumi’s voice in his head. He wanted it to stop.

We can start right now if you want. We can show Cole the truth. You and me. We can fix him.

Jay’s eye glued to Cole’s determined features, watching as he desperately searched for a way out.

That gem in your pocket. That’s all it takes. Look at him. He doesn’t know what he’s doing. But we can show him what to do. You want to help him, don’t you?

Suddenly, the two of them came to a stop, Cole looking around breathlessly. He didn’t let go of Jay’s hand when he reached for his earpiece. Jay gaped. Was he going to call for help? Please, call for help, he pleaded.

Jay, trust me when I say that we can fix everything. We can set things right. We can-

Without a second to lose, Jay tore his hand away from Cole’s, taking a couple steps back in fear. “No! Stop!”

Cole lowered his hand, turning to Jay slowly. “Jay?”

“I can’t leave! It’s all in my head!” Jay dug his hands in his hair fearfully, refusing to make eye contact with Cole.

“What’s all in your head?” Cole took a step forward causing Jay to take one back. “Jay? Jay, come on. Look at me. You have to tell me what’s going on.”

You don’t have to tell him anything.

“It’s-”

You will not tell him anything!

Jay threw a hand over his mouth, tears swelling up in his eyes.

With that, Cole marched right up to Jay, grabbing him by the arms and rooting him to the ground. Jay was scared. He was frightened.

Cole’s eyes swam with fear, his arms shaking. Jay could feel it. “Jay you’re scaring me.”

“Stop it! You have to get away!”

“Why? Jay just talk to me!”

He won’t leave you.

“Stop it! He will leave!”

Cole’s grip slackened. “What?”

I told you, Jay. But you never listen. You have to fix him. You want him to leave you alone? We can make it happen.

“Jay, I’m not leaving. Not without you.”

Jay pulled away from Cole, slipping a hand under his cloak.

Yes. Do it. You have to.

A gasp left Cole when Jay pulled out his hand to reveal the white diamond shaped gem.

“You found it…” Cole looked to Jay. His eyes couldn’t believe it. The gem was real. And Jay had found it. Kai and Nya weren’t lying after all. “You found the gem… Jay, you found it! You- We have to take it back.”

There he goes. He’s doing it again. He won’t listen to you, Jay. This gem is your only option.

“This isn’t my only option. He can leave.”

Cole backed away, terrified of what he had just heard. “Who are you talking to?”

It’s no use, Jay. You have to use it.

Jay looked away, struggling to ignore Harumi’s voice. “No, I don’t!”

Cole’s expression fell. He held an arm out to Jay but the pirate only waved it off, taking two other steps back. “Jay, cut it out… What’s wrong with you?”

You don’t need this constant prying. He’s making it worse. He can all be perfect if you just listen to me.

Jay fought Harumi in his head. And while he wanted Cole to stay away, the fugitive wouldn’t let up. He kept inching closer, causing Jay’s thoughts to spiral out of control and lose himself in it all.

Look at him, Jay. He only wants to help, but he can help if you just listen to me and use it.

Jay held the diamond close to him, hugging it. “I won’t. I can’t. I can’t do this.”

“Jay, just please talk to me.”

Ugh, this again. Shut him up already.

“Cole, stop!”

Cole’s blood ran cold at the sound of Jay’s voice and he froze dead in his tracks.

He’s making it worse.

“You’re making it worse.” Jay ran his fingers over the gem, as he listened to Harumi’s words infiltrate his thoughts.

“I don’t understand. Jay, we’re in this together.”

Make him understand.

Jay held the gem out, one hand over the top, another underneath. He squared his shoulders, brows drawing nearer.

One last time, Cole said to himself. He’d try one more time.

“This is all my fault,” Cole muttered, dropping his hands to his side.

Jay’s shoulders relaxed, and he lowered his arms slowly. Cole continued on. “I should have came back for you. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have listened to Kai, or Pixal, or Nya, or anyone. I don’t know what Harumi did to you, or what’s going on, but I should have came back. And, I missed you so much… but now you’re here and, and I guess I should be happy…”

He’s weak. You can make him stronger. Make him perfect.

“... But something went wrong and it’s all my fault…” Cole continued to talk, but his voice drifted into nothingness as Harumi’s voice grew louder.

You want his pain to go away, don’t you?

Harumi was right. Jay didn’t want Cole hurting this way. If he could just forget the whole thing didn’t happen. If he could just wash away the pain.

The pain…

“I only want you here, with me, you.”

Jay held out the gem in front of him…

At last, Harumi, in the flesh, stepped out of the shadows and stood proudly behind Jay.

“Do it. Make him hurt less. He’ll thank you for it,” she whispered into his ear, flashing Cole a sly grin the second he looked up.

A sharp cry of his name came out too late the second Jay twisted the two halves of the gem out of place.

A dark cloud overcame the two of them. Jay gasped for air and he waved the clouds away, violently coughing.

As the clouds cleared, Jay’s eye fell on his friend, his partner, on the ground on his knees.

Jay’s heard a ringing in his ears as he saw himself running towards Cole, the gem coming to a crash on the hard ground. He fell to the ground, cradling Cole tightly as tears flowed down his cheeks.

He was hiding behind a tower of boxes when Cole had came for him. The only problem, Cole had been too little, to late.

And now, it was all his fault.

[toddbeeson]

Guides/Ghosts/Spirits/Angels

I am going to remind you why I started these blogs to begin with...to point out that as a child I would point to lights and say “See.”  “See” was my first word.  This is directly such a story.

As a child my mother came to my room each night to pray with me and my brother, Brett.  Brett and I shared the same bedroom. We slept in twin beds. While my Pops was a traveling salesman and quite often away all week, my mom would prepare us for bedtime, turn out the lights, kneel down in the space between our beds and we would say the Lord’s Prayer.  If there was a special prayer request, she would include that as well.

Looking back at it now, it is a beautiful memory.  My heart is warmed at having shared time with my mother and brother in such an intimate, loving way.  Mom helped usher in the direct connection to God/Life/Spirit.

Also at that time, I would see shadowy figures standing around my bed. 

Yes, you read that correctly. 

They were different colors...and most easy to see when the lights were off. They almost looked like cartoon characters except for the fact that they appeared life size.  I couldn’t make out any facial characteristics.  They were just more of a shadow/shade thing that you could see through.  There actually was a real comfort in having them around during that time.  I never felt scared.  I do not remember how old I was when I stopped seeing them…maybe i was 5 or 6?...or probably shortly after I remember telling my mom that I saw such things as she was sure I wasn’t seeing anything.  She tells me now that she doesn’t remember this stuff at all.  i do-- I can close my eyes to this day and still remember what that bedroom and the shadowy figures looked like.

October 2002

After a traumatic weekend in Austin, TX that involved the closing of a relationship, the memory of the shadowy figures re-entered my mind.  I told a couple trusted friends about it.  They believed me and had heard similar stories, in fact.  My friend, Gigi, went on about how her child/son recalls details from his previous life...saying things and words that a child couldn’t possibly know.

I thought I was alone in sharing the expression that I had seen spirits.  I thought only “crazy” people see them!  But, I shared my memory anyway.  I had a feeling I needed to step into this truth and share it. (Btw- also in 2002 when I was staying at my ex-gf’s grandmother’s home in Galveston, I took pictures around her Historically protected home and although I didn’t realize it at the time that I was snapping pix, I did indeed capture a picture of a ghost-- you make out the details of an older woman! I have to find that picture!!)

After returning to LA a couple days later, I was asked to watch a 4th grade class for a half-hour while the homeroom teacher tended to another need.  She asked me to read a story, but could not find the book that she had wanted me to read.  So instead she had me read a story called,  “The Uninvited Guests.”  I was amazed as I read aloud to the class to find out that this “fictional” story was about a family that had moved to a house where ghosts lived.  The parents could not see the ghosts- only the children could see them!!!!!!

I told my truth and I felt validated.  My spirit was heard!   The timing of reading that story was perfect!!

Present Time

In keeping my interest of such stories and the wonderment of what happens to our spirit after we pass, I have read some books-- Brian Weiss’s “Many Lives Many Masters” -- which by the way I had actually attended his workshop in Austin, Texas that same weekend I was experiencing my break up and shared my shadow story with friends, Gigi and Josh...and most recently this past year my Pops gifted me books “Reality Unveiled” by Ziad Masri and “Journey of Souls-Case Studies of Life Between Lives” by Michael Newton. 

A week ago Saturday night, I felt exhausted and just wanted to sit back and watch some fun and silly movie before I faded to sleep...and had planned to watch Wayne’s World 2 as the movie just happened to illuminate itself from others -  I couldn’t even recall anything about the movie, so it would probably feel like the firs time watching it.  But before I watched it, I had a little ding hit me-- I felt inspired to read from Michael Newton’s book...so I picked it up off my nightstand and went thru the table of contents...leading me to wish to read the chapter on “Guides.”  

After I read a little bit and felt the gift of inspiration, I was now finally comfortable enough to allow myself to sit back and enjoy being entertained= I finally then felt it was now time to start watching Wayne’s World 2...and to my amazement and wonder, the movie pretty much started out with Wayne having a dream that he has a Native American Guide who connected him to Jim Morrison and on a mission...leading him to go on a faith-filled lark-- ultimately connecting to someone who had been guided by the same Native American Guide. Whoah!

It definitely now seems on this quiet Saturday night of relaxation and rest that I had again been led by a Guide to experience such a connection.  

I also had a flood of memories of those magical times I had been led in the past-- in previously posted stories.  To name a few:  I recalled having a dream in 2006 after a 13 year old girl I used to teach had died due to drowning while having an epileptic seizure while bathing alone-- in my dream she visited me in my bed to say she was fine.  I recalled my time being led to the Eden Prairie mall to run into a girl I used to date.  I recalled being connected with my ex-gf Lynn when she had lost her phone, but somehow happened to walk into the same place at the same time in a way that could never happen on a daily basis. Around 2007 I recall teaching my student, Charlie, the James Bond theme on guitar and being in such a flow I said now expect that your’e going to have a connection with James Bond-- and wallah-- I went downstairs to talk to Charlie’s mom...and she had a friend over who told a ghost story (out of the blue)-- one of which he mentioned he had visited an Irish castle that has a ghost-and he even added that he was there with the guy who played Q in James Bond movies(again w/ no knowledge of my having taught that song during my lesson)-- and many more stories= All feel Divinely guided.  

Last Monday (a couple days later) I woke up to the horrific news that a couple of old high school classmates (technically one was my year and the other was a year younger) had passed away unexpectedly.  Shocking and So so so sad.

It led me to picking up my Reality Unveiled and Journey of Souls books of my night stand at the same time...but I had to pick just one to read, obviously...and I settled on Reality Unveiled-- and just opening a random page.  I had a bit of trepidation to read that one at that moment, actually...as I heard my mind argue to just keep with the Journey of Souls per its magic last time.

But...as it turned out, I was correct...as the random page I opened to actually wrote specifically from the Journey of Souls book!  

It mentioned how when people die their spirits linger for a time on earth before going to a heaven place (no matter what their religion or beliefs, btw)..and that spirits are different shades of colors depending upon their vibrational frequency/energy.  Wow.  Dr. James Newton has scientific proof of such stuff having taped interviews with thousands of patients describing their in-between-time before re-incarnation.  

In a world where it seems that information/media/religion are being used for exploitation and selfish gain via misinformation, we can rarely trust what we see in front of us-- its even more clear that we need to carve quiet time-- to go inside/connect with our spirit and our guides...trust our heart and our truth...and know that without a doubt I have been shown so many ways that we are not alone in this life.  Ever.  We are always in the company of guides...and they help us in ways we might not even know.  

Its time to trust and remember this magic...more than ever.  

Thank you for reading this...I hope this helps you find peace, comfort, inspiration and trust in this world.

i wish you peace and magic.

Love, Todd  

Warmth by The Lift. 

[cutegirlmayra]

Hey mayra its amys birthday in japan do you have anything planned?

Hmm.

Dear Amy Rose,

Hey! Long time no read! (Haha, see what I did there?)

Heard it was your birthday So, it’s your birthday today! How cool is that? Did you have some nice cake? I bet you baked your own or had Vanilla and Cream whip you up something with Cheese. (Vanilla, Cream, Whip? Come on, that’s gold.)

I’ve been out and away for a while, eh? Guess messaging you on the MilesElectric isn’t the greatest… but I do have a surprise for you!

Heh, ready for this?

A scavenger hunt!

Alright, get ready for a totally awesome adventure! I may not be able to celebrate with you, but I still want you to have a good, exciting day. And what better way to have a birthday then with a friendly game, right?

Object one: It’s hiding in Station Square. Don’t get afraid or nothin’, I didn’t put it in any sewer drain. (I knew you’d hate me if I did, ha!) But go to the tallest skyscraper you can find! There’s a message on the rooftop for ya. If you get a little lost, I already took the liberty of getting those floating help boxes reprogrammed to tell you some hints. So no sweat!

See ya on the roof!

- Sonic

-

Dear Amy Rose,

Found me? Ta-dah! It’s a flower from Palm-Tree Panic! You were so small back then… but man, you could move! I thought the perfect first piece of the scavenger hunt could be you twirling that windmill flower on the softest winds of the tallest skyscaper!

Well, it was a pretty image in my mind… anyway.

B-but that sounds weird, doesn’t it?

Hold on! I’m still not done yet! Round 2!

Next, you’re going to be traveling into the Mystic Ruins. Talk about memory lane, but this is going to be different!

You may not recall very well, but I’m sure you’ll get there! Big can help you out, I let him in on the secret! That is… if he remembers everything I said to him… Good luck!

I’m hiding somewhere in a special tree. See ya when you get there!

- Sonic.

-

Dear Amy Rose,

Congrats! You’ve found me! Can you believe it? I know you like music, and visiting the Chao Garden with you was really fun! The chaos all grew up and live with Knuckles now on Angel Island, but I can’t help remembering how you would learn to play the flute and serenade the Chao. (Or were you just trying to impress me?)

Either way, I wanted to get you a flute. The one everyone kinda shared was old and rusty. And.. well… yuck. But hey! Now you have a pretty one! Promise to play it for me sometime, alright..?

We’re down to two more! (Tails says this is getting complicated, but what does he know, huh? Planes, maybe. But not fun birthday activities! That’s my expertise!)

Alright, Amy. This one could get tricky. So pull up your boots and adjust that pretty headband of yours… we’re going to Spagonia!

Tails said he’d lend you a ride if you really are stumped on finding a way there. So no sweat! (Ew, that would be gross. Haha! Just kidding!)

Once you’re there, there’s a particular Alley way I think you’ll remember… Can you find it again? You’ve always been able to find me, I’m sure it won’t be a problem!

Till you find me! I’m hiding near the alley way and somewhere by a table near the little outdoor diners there. Good luck!

- Sonic

-

Dear Amy Rose,

Woah! Almost done! Knew you could find me!

It’s… well, this one is kinda embarrassing… We bought ice cream together, and I got really down about Chip all of a sudden… started talking about him and losing my smile. But you know what? I really appreciated how you spent the rest of the day making me laugh and realize that he was always going to be in my heart.

So? I asked the guy we bought the ice cream from and- Wallah! He’s made a special ice cream just for you! He told me it’s got everything you love, including vanilla and strawberries. (I remembered!) It’s also shaped like your head! Three scoops and then two cones facing down to mimic your ears! How cool is that!? Died it pink too, so it’s cute. I think the customers will like the new addition! But mostly, I hope you enjoy it too.

I’ll admit, I took a bite, not bad. Though, kinda weird… eating an ice cream shaped like your head. Still! It was a great day! And I never have forgotten it.

Last one, and I know you’re gonna love this the most! Like, really like it! It’s gonna blow you away! Hands down, it’s the greatest idea I’ve ever made! (And that’s saying something.) So your last and greatest stop is…

Pause for dramatic effect…

Twinkle Park!

I know right? You’re probably thinking- “I was just there! Why’d he drag me all the way- no, half way around the world- just to come back!?” Well, you’ll have to wait and see!

Tails should still lend you a ride if you need him, if not, I hear Professor Pickle has a knack at rowboats… (That’s a joke. Please don’t cross any oceans, I can’t save you if you’re over water, thanks.)

You’ll find me hiding at a very special place. One you’ve probably forgotten all about… (Or have you?) Come find me at the place where air is thin and keeps on rolling! Just like me!

Can’t wait to see if you find me!

- Sonic

-

Dear Amy Rose,

Did I surprise ya? I’m the Ferris Wheel! Years ago, you once told me something very important on those colorful, turning lights… I’ve been wanting to return the favor for some time now. You were actually quite funny, I’ve never seen you act so nervous and shy before. (I thought that was my thing.) But you really did bear your heart to me and I never forgot that.

You were truly sincere about your feelings for me… I may have not really responded back to you… but I did my best to try. Remember? You said, “Can I fall in love with you?” And I thought it odd that you asked. Although a little cramped in the seat together, I remember telling you that it was your choice, not mine. But I.. never did feel right about that.

You laughed it off and smiled. You were really strong then, and I couldn’t tell. I wanted to do something special for you this time. I know I miss a lot of birthdays, but this one has to be the greatest one yet! Because- lo and behold- I’m right behind you!

… Assuming you’ve turned around and heard me answer you after all these years, I guess I can say that I’ll see ya around, Amy!

Glad I could finally say it. Tell you how truly special you are to me.

Here’s to many more birthdays! Though, I’m still planning on spending the day with you. Haha, nice psych, huh? Heh, you’re.. probably not even reading this letter anymore.. but you may look at it later, like when you get home after our awesome time together! (I’m thinking it’s gonna be super cool, cause you know, all your dreams coming true and stuff like that? Haha, kidding! Kidding… or am I? That’s up to you!)

Amy…. If you are still reading this… and just in case I really do chicken out at the last second…

My last gift for you today…

Is a free smile… and a long kiss.

Okay, this got weird. I should of just ended it there, but I’m writing in pen so now this is awkward.

Ahhh, I don’t know why I’m still writing!!! Anyway, have a good night, Amy! And try to keep cool about this, okay? I’m just not… not good about showing my emotions very much… But you are special to me. I wanted you to know that. Once… and for all.

Well, I guess it’s about time I said it then.

Happy Birthday, Amy Rose.

- Love, Sonic.

- BONUS -

Dear Amy Rose,

So I totally chickened out, and you must hate me now. But before you summon that great, big hammer of justice on me- Please go to Tails’s library!

I don’t want your birthday to end like this.. I know it’s late, but just find the book I once told you about! The one with the Black Knight?

Flip open to where the Lady of The Lake is drawn, I know you’ll think she’s pretty. There’s something there for you! (Don’t worry, it’s better than an apology letter…)

Okay! See ya there Find me there!

- Sonic.

-

Dear Amy Rose,

This time, you turn around, you’re officially my girlfriend!

- Hoping this works and that you don’t kill me first after getting your hopes up! Your hero, Sonic.

[quoteoftheweekblog]

QUOTATIONS - VIKRAM SETH’S ‘A SUITABLE BOY’ (FIRST PUBLISHED 1993)

First sentence:

‘ “You too will marry a boy I choose,” said Mrs Rupa Mehra firmly to her younger daughter.’ (Seth, 1994, p.3).

On reading:

‘She loved reading, and people knew better than to talk to her when she had a book in her hands.’ (Seth, 1994, p.32).

‘She had read; and, despite that, she had thought.’ (Seth, 1994, p.345).

‘ ... Sandeep Lahiri sat down in the station master’s office and pulled “Howards End” out of his bag.’ (Seth, 1994, p.675).

‘ “I’ve been reading one or two Hardys again.” ‘ (Seth, 1994, p.1249).

‘ “But I too hate long books: the better, the worse. If they’re bad, they merely make me pant with the effort of holding them up for a few minutes. But if they’re good, I turn into a social moron for days, refusing to go out of my room, scowling and growling at interruptions, ignoring weddings and funerals, and making enemies out of friends. I still bear the scars of ‘Middlemarch’.” ‘ (Seth, 1994, pp.1370-1).

‘ “ ... Proust makes me weep, weep, weep with boredom. Weep ... Weep, weep, weep ... I weep when I read Proust, and I read very little of him.” ‘ (Seth, 1994, p.1371).

‘ “I came in to buy a Wodehouse, but I’ve bought myself a Jane Austen instead.” ‘ (Seth, 1994, p.1406).

‘ “You have too good a brain to waste on English literature.” ‘ (Seth, 1994, p.1416).

On ‘a suitable boy’:

‘ “Now the time has come to get Lata well settled, and I must look all out for a suitable boy.” ‘ (Seth, 1994, p.47).

“ “I want you to find her a boy at once. A suitable boy. She is getting involved with unsuitable boys, and I cannot have that.” ‘ (Seth, 1994, p.594).

‘She was dreaming - of a kiss - but it was of Kabir she was dreaming, the one who was absent, the one who above all others she should not meet, the most unsuitable boy of them all.’ (Seth, 1994, p.1240).

On learning:

‘Whenever she opened a scientific book and saw whole paragraphs of incomprehensible words and symbols, she felt a sense of wonder at the great territories of learning that lay beyond her - the sum of so many noble and purposive attempts to make objective sense of the world.’ (Seth, 1994, p.49).

‘ “It’s unusual for someone to be interested in both poetry and mathematics.” ‘ (Seth, 1994, p.52).

‘ “He says that the fresh air ‘opens up his assumptions’ ... Once, when he came down from the hills he said that like Zarathustra he had gained enough mathematical insight on the mountainside in six weeks to last a lifetime.” ‘ (seth, 1994, p.178).

‘ “Studying is a good discipline ... It needs application ... it does not matter what you study. As long as you study hard, it improves the mind.” ‘ (Seth, 1994, p.473).

‘ ... “we are all learning, no matter how aged ... “ ... ‘ (Seth, 1994, p.789).

On life:

‘ “Don’t add chillies to boiled potatoes.” ‘ (Seth, 1994, p.52).

‘I’m not a mouse or a tigress, she thought, I’m a hedgehog.’ (Seth, 1994, p.156).

‘ “God save us from people who mean well.” ‘ (Seth, 1994, p.279).

‘ “How do you fuck in a sari?” ‘ (Seth, 1994, p.435).

‘ “For me, you will always be my baby.”

“Even at sixty?” ‘ (Seth, 1994, p.479).

‘Being a bit of a layabout, he lay about a bit.’ (Seth, 1994, p.722).

‘ “The secret of life is to accept. Accept happiness, accept sorrow; accept success, accept failure; accept fame, accept disgrace; accept doubt, even, accept the impression of certainty.” ‘ (Seth, 1994. p.812).

‘ “Cricket has a lot to answer for.” ‘ (Seth, 1994, p.1056).

‘When all else fails, thought Lata, there is always soup.’ (Seth, 1994, p.1253).

On James Joyce:

‘ “There is the unreadable ‘Ulysses’. There is the worse than unreadable ‘Finnegan’s Wake’. This kind of writing is unhealthy for our students. It encourages them, as it were, in sloppy and ungrammatical writing.” ‘ (Seth, 1994, pp.56-7).

On religion:

‘All over India, all over the world, as the sun or the shadow of darkness moves from east to west, the call to prayer moves with it, and people kneel down in a wave of prayer to God.’ (Seth, 1994, p.127).

On exams:

‘ “You’ll have forgotten all about it in five years.” ‘ (Seth, 1994, p.150).

‘ “ ... there are more important things in the world than exams.” ‘ (Seth, 1994, p.151).

On P.G. Wodehouse:

‘ “Read a P.G. Wodehouse or two ... “ ‘ (Seth, 1994, p.167).

‘She went to Pran’s bookshelf and picked up the first P.G. Wodehouse she saw: “Pigs Have Wings”. ’ (Seth, 1994, pp.168-9).

‘She had finished “Pigs Have Wings” and had gone on to “Galahad at Blandings” ... she would have to distract herself with as much P.G. Wodehouse as possible.’ (Seth, 1994, p.186).

‘But she couldn’t concentrate even on Wodehouse.’ (Seth, 1994, p.187).

‘ ... lost in Wodehouse ... ‘ (Seth, 1994, p.195).

‘ ... the ubiquitous Wodehouse ... ‘ (Seth, 1994, p.1021).

On education:

‘Sunil Patwardhan had believed as a student that to get one true mathematical insight a fortnight was enough by way of work; for the rest of the time he paid no attention to his studies, and did excellently. Now that he was teaching students he found it hard to impose an academic discipline on them that he himself had no faith in.’ (Seth, 1994, p.224).

‘ “ ... there are three kinds of teachers: those who are forgotten: those who are remembered and hated, and the third, the lucky ones ... those who are remembered and ... forgiven.” ‘ (Seth, 1994, p.902).

On dyslexia:

‘Considering his almost perfect memory for objects, it was odd that he had emerged from his English B.A. Honours course with a third, and had messed up his Poetry paper with innumerable misquotations.’ (Seth, 1994, p.224).

On politics:

‘The police force before Partition was very largely composed of Muslims as a result of the sound imperialist policy of divide and rule: it helped the British that the predominantly Hindu Cogress-wallahs should be beaten up by predominantly Muslim policeman.’ (Seth, 1994, p.253).

‘ “Politics is like the coal trade. How can you blame people if their hands and faces become a little black?” ‘ (Seth, 1994, p.349).

‘ “Politicians, you know, prefer to appoint mediocrities to important posts not merely because they themselves will look better in comparison or because they are afraid of competition, but also because, you see, a person appointed on merit feels that it is owed to him, while a mediocity is only too conscious that it is not.” ‘ (Seth, 1994, p.901).

On Jane Austen:

‘ “You should go up to your room ... and settle down on a sofa with Jane Austen.” ...

“Jane Austen is the only woman in his life.” ‘ (Seth, 1994, p.415).

‘ “What’ll you read on the way?”

“ ‘Emma’.” ‘ (Seth, 1994, p.604).

‘ “Don’t leave your book behind ... ‘Mansfield Park’? I haven’t read that one. Tell me if it’s any good.” ‘ (Seth, 1994, p.1407).

On Economics:

‘ “ ... economics is a pointless subject. He would have done far better to study mathematics.” ‘ (Seth, 1994. p.423).

‘ ... “economics is the worst possible qualification for running anything. It’s the mosty useless, impratical subject in the worls.” ‘ (Seth, 1994, p.454).

‘ “There isn’t a single decent human being I know who is an economist.” ‘ (Seth, 1994, p.501).

On being a writer:

‘ “He’s just a writer. He knows nothing at all about literature.” ‘ (Seth, 1994, p.426).

‘ “What’s wrong with writing poems and novels?” ‘ (Seth, 1994, p.444).

‘ “ ... I think that the more people write, the less they think.” ‘ (Seth. 1994, p.446).

‘ “ ... I wrote it out in a single draft ... Once I counted sixteen desperate triplets building upwards to fever pitch. Can you imagine: sixteen. It drove me crazy. And then I polished it over the next few days. I didn’t really want to loof at it, and kept making excuses. I always do. I hate writing, you know.” ‘ (Seth, 1994, p.1209).

‘ “ ... I often like my work when it’s done - it’s just the doing that is so tedious. With a short poem there’s the inspiration of course. But with this novel I have to whip myself to my desk ... “ ‘ (Seth, 1994, p.1209).

‘ “Why, then, is it rumoured that your forthcoming novel ... is to be so long? More than a thousand pages! “...

“Oh, I don’t know how it grew to be so long ... I’m very undisciplined.” ‘ (Seth, 1994, p.1370).

On books:

‘ “One feels so bewildered among all these millons of books,” said Lata, astonished that several hundreds of yards of a city could actually be given over to nothing but books - books on the pavement, books on makeshift bookshelves out in the street, books in the library and in Presidency College, first-, second-, third- and tenth-hand books, everything from technical monographs on electroplating to the latest Agatha Christie.‘ (Seth, 1994, p.524).

On marriage:

‘She would not change; he would not change; he knew that she would not change; she knew that he would not change; and each knew that the other knew this,’ (Seth, 1994, p.818).

‘ “You too will marry a girl I choose,” ...“A suitable girl, that is what I want for you ... A suitable girl, and no exceptions.” ‘ (Seth, 1994, p.1467).

REFERENCE

Seth, V. (1994 [1993] ) ‘A suitable boy’. London: Phoenix.

[rumaan]

So I bought some really nice shampoo the other week and warned my husband to keep his hands off it! Of course, this then made me want to write Yousana fic based around this scenario because why not! Set not long before S4 so longing glances abound between Sana and Yousef!

Also for @thickskinandelasticheart because she deserves some fluff after fighting the good fight for Yousana on tumblr!

Also on AO3

Sana gritted her teeth as she reached for her shampoo and found that it had been moved. That meant only one thing: Elias had used it despite her warning him that he should never use her shampoo.

It was the nicest shampoo she had ever bought and it cost her a good part of the allowance from her parents. The first time she’d used it her hair had felt so silky and smooth. Plus it also smelt amazing. She’d told Elias that if he ever touched it to use on the centimetre of hair he possessed then she would wait until he was sleeping and shave his eyebrows off. Her brother should know better than to cross her.

Her mood didn’t improve when she found the matching conditioner had also moved. Why would Elias need to use conditioner, too? He always shaved his hair and never grew it out. She wouldn’t mind so much if she hadn’t specifically told Elias not to use it. He didn’t care about quality shampoo and was always happy to buy whatever was on sale because it made zero difference to his closely cut hair. However, that was not the case for Sana. Her hair needed good products used in it or it became dry and frizzy and generally just unmanageable.

Stewing over how inconsiderate her brother was as she dried her hair and got dressed, her temper was simmering nicely when she finally left her room. It wouldn’t take much to set it off.

“Sana?” Elias called when she started to make some coffee. “Would you make some extra coffee for us?”

The innocuous request had her anger bubbling over.

“No!” she snapped, stomping into the book room. “I won’t make you coffee because you did precisely what I asked you not to do!”

“Huh?” Elias asked, clearly confused by her rage. “I haven’t even seen you this morning.”

“And yet you’ve still managed to piss me off!”

“How?”

“I told you not to use my shampoo and conditioner but you still did!” she yelled. “Why would you even need to use my expensive shampoo? There’s plenty of yours left.”

“I haven’t touched your shampoo,” he protested.

“So why was it moved? You best lock you door when you sleep tonight.”

“Wallah, okhti, I haven’t touched your stupid shampoo.”

“Er…,” came a hesitant voice in the corner of the room. “I think I might have used it. Sorry, Sana.”

Turning away from her brother, Sana spotted Yousef. Somehow she had managed to miss him when barrelling into the room, which was unusual. She was usually aware of whenever he was in the house as her eyes would involuntary seek him out to drink him in. He must have stayed over as Elias’ friends didn’t normally arrive before 10am at least. They were generally pretty considerate like that.

“Oh,” she said, the wind taken out of her sails.

“I didn’t realise it was yours,” Yousef said apologetically.

Her eyes roved over his hair, which was looking even softer and shinier than usual. In fact, it looked so good that her fingers itched with the desire to touch it. She felt her face grow hot as her mind refused to cooperate also and lingered on the image of what Yousef could look like in the shower. As she tried desperately to gain control over her wandering thoughts, all she could think about was water pouring down over his head and chest and washing the suds of her shampoo out of her hair.

“That’s okay,” she said mildly, embarrassed even though they couldn’t read her mind.

As if conspiring against her, Elias said sulkily, “Oh, what? You’re not going to threaten to harm Yousef when he’s sleeping?”

Sure that her cheeks were scarlet, Sana’s rebellious brain was now stuck on what Yousef looked like asleep. These were images that she could have coped with alone in her bedroom, but them flooding her thoughts when he was sitting right in front of her was too much for her to deal with.

“You want coffee then?” she said, thinking of any excuse to flee the room before either her brother or Yousef somehow figured out what she was thinking.

“It’s the least you can do after accusing me of being a thief.”

With a vague smile in both their directions, Sana took refuge in the kitchen and tried desperately hard to stop thinking about Yousef in her shower.

However, when he and Elias came in to join her for breakfast, she couldn’t help but smell the clean cucumber and mint scent of her shampoo lingering on his hair as she passed behind his chair to grab the Kiri cheese from the fridge and brought all the images flooding back again, causing her to choke a little on her food and flee as soon as she could to the sanctuary of her room.

----------

A couple of days later, Sana got home from school and found a brand new bottle of her shampoo and conditioner waiting outside her bedroom door. Picking them both up, she smiled softly as she realised that Yousef must have gone out and brought her some more. Her chest swelled a little with how thoughtful and sweet the gesture was. She hadn’t expected him to buy her brand new bottles when he’d only used a little bit.

Wanting to say thank you, she headed into the kitchen where the boys were sitting around the table and drinking tea.

“Hey,” she said, her eyes skittering over everyone else and zeroing in on Yousef. She waved the bottles in his direction and added, “Thanks. You didn’t have to buy me replacements.”

He shrugged and said, “I felt bad after using it. Plus, it’s really nice.”

“Is that the magic shampoo?” Mutta asked.

“Let me see,” Mikael said, grabbing it out of her hand, opening the cap and sniffing it. “Yousef hasn’t stopped going on about how amazing it is.”

“I just said it was nice,” Yousef protested.

“And then dragged me into five different shops to find it,” Adam remarked.

“He’s worse than Sana talking about how great it is,” Elias grumbled.

Sana couldn’t help grinning then as Yousef’s cheeks reddened a little, clearly wishing that his friends would shut up. However, when he caught her eyes, he smiled back and her heart skipped a beat.

[am-graves]

Why do you keep so much bottles of alcohol at home? Don't tell me you also drink outside of your work! You better not get home drunk or wallah [phonetic transcription of word of Arabic dialect meaning "I swear to you"] I will burn them all!

Some people would think it’s better to drink at home than at work. Just saying. And no touchie. If you’re talking about the beer fridge, then sometimes a guy likes a cold beer on a hot day. If you’re talking about the spirits cabinet, then sometimes a guy likes a warming glass on a cold day. If you’re talking about the bottles in the kitchen, then they’re for cooking with. If you’re talking about the wine cellar, then sometimes a guy likes to pretend he’s fancy and knows shit about grapes and vintages and that he hasn’t spent about three hours on the floo trying to find someone who knows what wine pairs with lamb so his parents don’t realise how little he paid attention when he was younger. If you’re talking about the bottles in the study then sometimes a guy needs a drink to help him through his paperwork. If you’re talking about the decanter in the hall then it’s decorative. Mostly. If you’re talking about the overflow storage in the garage, then what if there’s a shortage, hmm? Best to be prepared.

[vsplusonline]

‘I am an actress who acts the part of a cook’: Madhur Jaffrey

New Post has been published on https://apzweb.com/i-am-an-actress-who-acts-the-part-of-a-cook-madhur-jaffrey/

‘I am an actress who acts the part of a cook’: Madhur Jaffrey

I had been fretting over the prospect of interviewing Madhur Jaffrey at the Jaipur Literature Festival (JLF) from even before I boarded the flight early this year. The reason is shameful: my knowledge of cooking begins and ends with boiling Maggi noodles.

What could I possibly ask the cookery legend who single-handedly changed the way the West thinks about Indian cuisine with her BBC show and cookbooks? But I had a fallback ready: Shakespeare Wallah, that deliciously decadent 1965 Merchant-Ivory film about a British theatrical company in post-Independence India for which Jaffrey won the Silver Bear for Best Actress at the Berlin International Film Festival that year. I couldn’t wait to hear what she had to say about working with James Ivory, Ismail Merchant, Ruth Prawer Jhabvala, and, above all, Satyajit Ray, who had composed the film’s music.

When I see the petite lady walking towards me in the authors’ lounge at Diggi Palace hotel, I have a déjà vu moment: this is Manjula from Shakespeare Wallah — the same dangerous eyes, the same wicked half-smile — only, this time, she is dressed in an everyday salwar-kameez rather than the chic attire of the Bollywood diva she played in the film. And she declares cattily, if a bit wearily, that she will keep the interview short with “chhota chhota” replies, deflating my enthusiasm.

A performance

The first question I ask is how she would like to define herself — as an actor, a writer, or cookery expert. Pat comes the reply: “I am an actress who acts the part of a cook.” So is there a distance between her ‘real’ self and her cooking persona? “There’s no distance as such but I am also watching myself. And it’s a kind of performance because I am really an actress.” And what about her writerly self (Jaffrey is the author not only of some 30 cookbooks but also of the delightful memoir, Climbing the Mango Trees, about growing up in a sprawling, affluent Delhi family, surrounded by sumptuous food in the final years of the Raj, and Robi Dobi: The Marvellous Adventures of an Indian Elephant, a children’s book, among others)? “Even while writing, I am trying to be as honest as I can, which is also something an actress does. Be honest and clean and clear, instinctive, intelligent — all the qualities you want in an actress, I bring to my writing too, I hope,” she says.

Earlier that day, I had attended Jaffrey’s session, ‘Climbing the Mango Trees: Food and Memory’, with author Chandrahas Choudhury, where she had talked about how she first started cooking — out of necessity rather than passion. Once she had left the comfort of her home for London, to join the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art in 1955, everything changed. “There is this pea-green smog that comes in at 3 o’clock and you see nothing. This was just after the War, and the food was simply awful. I was dreaming of hing jeere ki alu or bhara hua karela while having some watery cabbage mess or transparent roast beef at the canteen.” Out of desperation, she started writing letters to her mother, asking for recipes. Jaffrey tells me later: “I wasn’t taught cooking. I am self-taught through my mother’s handwritten recipes. But I must have had a good palate, although I didn’t know the word ‘palate’ at the time. I could instinctively translate a three-line recipe into a dish and through trial and error I got it right.”

Food memories

From 1973, when Jaffrey wrote her first cookbook, An Invitation to Indian Cooking, a lot of preconceptions and misconceptions about Indian food in the West have changed, so much so that chicken tikka masala is now arguably the national dish of Britain. What is Jaffrey’s take on this? “Some people have learnt nothing, but there are many others who have read my books and their attitude to Indian food is a little different now. When I cooked on TV in England, attitudes started changing. England is filled with people with Indian blood who are hardly aware of it but I think some memory, some historical connection, stays. The show just brought back memories for them. America doesn’t have this connection. The British never liked Indians but they liked Indian food.” She adds, “I have three generations of Westerners and Indians who learnt to cook from my books and taught their children, and now those children are cooking for their children from my books. It’s very gratifying.”

Does she relate to the term, ‘foodie’, as it is used now, involving, for the most part, Instagram posts on the food one is having in fancy restaurants? Jaffrey scoffs, “That I think is being obsessed with taking pictures of food and showing off. The younger generation is very much into that little gadget you have there [pointing at my phone] and into sending around what they are doing to all their friends — it’s a new attitude that I don’t have. I don’t want to tell the world what I am eating, I just want to enjoy it.”

While we are on changing worlds, I pop the question about her Shakespeare Wallah days. Her eyes light up. She says, “I was very young, I introduced James [Ivory] and Ismail [Merchant] to each other in England, we were all friends. The initial plan was that my ex-husband, Saeed Jaffrey, and I would go back to India and start a touring theatrical company there. Jim said that was a wonderful idea for a film and we would sit and discuss it in his apartment. Then he went to India and met the Kendals, whom he wanted in his film. But what would happen to me? So Jhabvala [the story and screenplay writer] created the character of Manjula so that I could be in it as well. That’s the story. When Saeed and I were divorced, they were very angry with him, so they kicked him out.”

Like a serpent

Did she see the Silver Bear coming for her performance in Shakespeare Wallah? “No, not at all. When the award was announced, everybody was shocked since they expected Felicity Kendal to win and not me. I said, what can I do? Jim said, go apologise to Felicity. I felt great but also felt bad…,” she says, smiling mischievously. Then I get to the question I was itching to ask: how was Ray?

“I interacted with him later in funny ways, but not during ShakespeareWallah. Jim conceptualised me as a serpent in the film and, if you notice, Manjula’s entry is always accompanied by a serpent-like music — that’s what Ray did for my character, that much I know. Much later, when Shakespeare Wallah was getting an award from the President in Delhi, I was there with my father, who was telling his friends disparagingly, ‘Iski toh hobby hain (acting is her hobby),’ as was his wont. My supposed escort turned out to be Marlon Brando, who was my hero! Brando and Ray sat on either side of me, talking to each other across me. I tried to speak but whatever I tried to say was wrong. So I told myself, chup baithi raho, inko baatein karne do (sit quietly, let them talk). I didn’t have much to say, I was so scared of them.”

After such a long reply, Jaffrey looks visibly exhausted and I try to wrap it up. “Do you still cook at home,” I ask her. “Yes. Though I would rather somebody else did it now that I am 86. But they won’t make it as well as I do.” She leaves me with an admonishment when I confess my cooking prowess: “Kyun nehi sikhti ho? Ghar mein koi sikhanewala nahi hain or you don’t want to learn? (Why don’t you learn? Don’t you have anybody to teach you at home?) You have to learn to cook some basic things, even if it is one sabzi, chawal or roti — something simple that you can enjoy. Somebody teach her.”

anusua.m@thehindu.co.in

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[speedyaiah]

Abdullah text

Hey Abdullah ! 

so this may look random and out of the blue, and it might look like a chicken move which it is, I don’t honestly have the guts to say all of this in person, but I need to let them out so if it’s by a text then be it ! 

So first things first, I had sex! I didn’t mean to lie, it just happened that day you were too honest and I didn’t know how to respond I wasn’t ready and I was scared, you have to understand regardless of what I think of it one thing is for sure, if my parents know they won’t kill me but it won’t be the most pleasant thing ever and I didn’t know where we were going and denying was a lot easier because lets face it if i had said I don’t want to answer it was the same as yes (not an excuse for lying but that’s what happened) then I wanted to tell u on more than one occasion since you were overly honest but I don’t honestly feel the need to share this with you or anyone to be honest what one did in the past doesn’t really matter it’s what you’re doing now or what those experiences changed or left something in you ! and to be honest I still don’t feel like i want to discuss it or explain it, I just felt the need to tell you because I hate lying and I did it ! and if it matters to you then I’m sorry but this is as much as I can discuss right now. 

and I did get drunk on more than one occasion and I liked it ! ok not completely blacked out drunk but lets go party drunk I liked that, and regardless again of what I think of it if it’s right or wrong, i think if I’m not harming anyone and in the right environment there’s nothing wrong with it, and I wouldn’t mind honestly going for pasta and wine like we did sometimes in hamburg, it was the most chill happy thing ever and we didn’t harm no one by it. 

I think we’re going too fast, I’m loving us honestly but at the same time I think you’re more ready to be in a long term relationship than I am, and it scares me, because when you talk about the future I would love it of course if you were in it, but at the same time I’m not even sure where I will be in two years or a year even. I’m so unsure about so many things but that’s ok I’m still 22 I have literally my whole life ahead of me to discover things and discover me, what I like what i don’t like, what I believe in and what I don’t. I mean to be quite honest I want to start looking for opportunities in hamburg from now or america, or even to be honest with you, I’m looking for internships in africa and places like this for 6 months or even a year to just live and be out there, and while of course being together doesn’t mean either of us has to not do any of these things, on the contrary I think when one finds true love it means they both support one another to discover life and themselves, but thing is I’m not sure what you think about all of this, because for me I’m not committed to anything at the moment and packing and leaving will be super easy for me I’ve got literally nothing to lose so I might as well go ahead and whatever but for you I don’t know not I’m saying you have to be with me of course not I mean if I’m going for a 6 months trip that’s nothing even if were married but I mean about moving out of this country and discovering life for good.

you asked me what I liked so much about being in hamburg even tho it had so many bad situations, thing is maybe I don’t talk about it alot because generally I don’t like talking about my life so it is hard for me to come and tell a funny story that happened there, but it was full of nice things but that’s still not why I loved it.

I loved the freedom I had there, the freedom to do whatever whenever I wanted, I literally was able to book a plane to another country the night before and just pack my backpack and leave, here I have to plan a day trip to the deadsea weeks before. there I was able to discover myself much more easily, there was so much nice freedom whether it was from my family, the society or even the borders of the country, I was able to hang out with strangers just through coachsurfing and not be mortified they’re creepy people like most of the users here in jordan, I was able to do so many activities like swimming in the lake or taking a bike and going to far away places under the rain or talking about a book I was reading for three hours with a total stranger I met on the train, or deciding to travel alone and meet random people and discover the different cities and cultures . it’s all of this that I miss and I want it, it helped me learn alot about myself, of course there were so many things I regretted doing but that was ok I learned from them and honestly I always try and calculate the risks so nothing was an absolute life changing mistake. 

and I’m telling you this, because maybe here and now, due to university or the circumstances I’m in at the moment it doesn’t seem like I want this and also because I didn’t share many of these stories maybe you don’t know which is wrong I realize now that probably I should share some of the nice stories it’s just seriously I’m just not used to talking about my life. but this is me, I like doing this out the blue and discovering new things trying out different activities I actually liked talking to random strangers and meeting lots of new people dancing under the rain in the middle of the street while at the same time chilling at home watching friends for the billionth time. here due to my family which is very confusing me to why they didn’t mind me even travelling all by myself to countries we didn’t know but here if i’m home after 11 or if I’m with people they don’t know it’s a disaster I understand it’s because all of the bad stories they hear here in amman but still, also due to the weird society and lack of opportunities and the fact that I need to fight to get anything I want done, it’s exhausting so staying home and dreaming of the day I leave again is alot easier. 

so this is far longer than I intended , and I’m sorry I’m saying this in a message not in person but for me it’s a lot easier for me and I needed to clear more than one point and if you want to discuss it in person later rather than answering in a message that’s totally fine it was more for me like a kick start to put it all out there.

lastly I want you to know that regardless of what happens in the future or what you think of all of this, I love you alot, and I’m truly falling for you way harder than I expected or planned on. and if I’m saying any of this it’s because well first I don’t want to mislead you but mainly because if anything serious is about to happen anytime in the future whether in a year, two or more then you need to know who I am, and what I want in life and just because I don’t know exactly what I want right now it doesn’t mean I will compromise for less on the contrary it means I will go out there and try and discover it. and wallah I’m not saying this because I think little of us or I think you’re one of those men who just want to control their partner I really don’t think that but at the same time all the stories I hear they get to me and it’s wrong I know I should have more faith and positivity in us but you can’t blame me when all the positive couple examples where both grew as people together and didn’t end up with one of them overshadowing the other or sacrificing (which I think is a horrible mistake no one should sacrifice anything, both sit, talk and figure out a solution sacrifice in anything in life will always come and bite them in the ass eventually) anyway can be counted on one hand. and I would love for us to work, honestly I’ve never felt more comfortable with another person before, or this happy while doing nothing just literally sitting in the car. you really are a great person and I’m not a terrible one neither hahaha I mean I don’t think I am, I have my stupid insecurities and days where I want to kill myself but I’m working on fixing that but generally I’m not so bad and I never wish harm upon anyone even if they were my enemies.

ok I will shut up this is literally a novel.

[thegraduationproject]

It’s been a little slow as of late

The last week or so has been sluggish. Not much progress to report on, apart from a busy weekend spent going around town. Although there has been some solid progress on the toolkit front. Actually, there has been a lot of good fleshing out of the project. It was to happen as time goes on I suppose, but it’s still positive to see things shaping up. 

So what all has happened since the last time I came here? In the last nine days, I have been to a beach, had lots of nice dinners and driven lots of kilometres. Work has been slow, but my motivation is getting back to late-2016, pre-dip levels which is always a good thing. There has been some work on the currency project, and also the toolkit.

We had a good discussion on the toolkit yesterday, and some very interesting insights were taken from that meeting. The most critical point being, if there is no demand, or no place for the toolkit, then it is a hollow exercise. The toolkit has to be used by someone, and for that it has to be useful for that certain someone. Right now, its not clear who the toolkit is meant for. Drawing on our thoughts of previous toolkits, we know that the traditional toolkit format is cold, and not very approachable. I wouldn’t use a toolkit myself. I would take inspiration for the format and framework, but toolkits have never appealed to me as an actual, useable tool. This attribute of traditional toolkits has to be remedied in the one I make. The toolkit has to have a narrative, which defines the content. 

The initial narrative:

Inception

Brief Development

Fund Raising

Research

Co-Creation

Output/Documentation

Resource Management

This narrative needs to be re-contextualised and fixed according to the new brief that I have to form for the toolkit.

The problem with the intial plan of the toolkit is that it’s not aimed at anyone specific enough for it to be marketable or viable. For starters, we can re-contextualise it by saying its meant for India exclusively and that it’s meant for creative creators, and innovators who wish to create change in their communities by producing hyperlocal work. It’s possibly also meant for smaller organisations, or startups who might want to collaborate with others to reduce their going alone costs. India used to, and currently does have a lot of co-operative organisations, like banks, and housing societies, with Amul being a good example of that culture. However as of late, co-op societies haven’t been so popular amongst the new generation. However it would be helpful to see how co-op societies work and the pros/cons and write some case studies down. Similarly it would also help to see some case studies from other parts of the world where collaborative studies have helped creative makers in doing what they do. Infact, the entire format of the toolkit could be revised. Instead of calling it a ‘toolkit’ which carries the luggage of its semantics, why not call it a workbook or a handbook? The content could also reflect the change as it doesn’t necessarily have to be just a booklet of tools/exercises. It could include lots of case studies, insights, and tools. There is potential to make an entirely new format. 

Additionally, there are also plans to make a zine publication for The Greenhouse. Which would be tremendous fun as it perfectly reflects the nature of this place and what we’re trying to achieve here. I have to start pulling out nice references for the zines so that we can start work on it. 

I’m also working on figuring out how the studio is run and managed. I’m going around asking everyone about their finances which is slightly awkward, but I have to do it so that I can map out how the studio works. Alongside I’m trying to see the viability of setting up a community currency in Socorro which isn’t going so well as I’ve realised that there’s very little trust between families, let alone other Goans or strangers. So, perhaps the community part of the community currency doesn’t really work here. Not much is looking good on that front.

I’ve also somehow misplaced the cable to charge my phone, so that’s both annoying and a relief at the same time. Glad not to be distracted by the phone, but conversely miss the phone camera and the images stored in it. Swings and roundabouts? Might go to Hampi this weekend.

I attended a Goa workshop this week, where activists and doers discussed the problems with Goa and ideated on the steps to be taken. It was a very interesting workshop, both the format and the people attending were attuned toward doing something, rather than just talking about it. The Circle Wallahs I think they’re called, hosted this event. 

My writing here is very personal and is meant for one person: me. I think I should start writing about the project for a broader audience. It’ll definitely help me understand how my document will shape up.