#vent post about how everyone is getting haircuts and looks good and I want a new style but don’t wanna ruin my growth progress

[largetriangles]

.

[vroom--vrooming]

Charles Leclerc x reader

A/N: Friends to lovers

You and Charles knew each other since you were kids. Went to the same school and had play dates almost every week. Both were each other's valentines when you two were just five year olds.

You two kinda lost touch when your parents sent you to boarding school in a different country. Charles got busy with his karting career and you got busy with your studies. But you two would meet once or twice in a year whenever you go back home or both coincidentally in the same city.

Both of you had relationships with other people as you two grew older, but your break ups were not as controversial as his. You would hear your friends talking about it, and with social media everyone just knows about every thing.

Once you moved back to Monaco the friendship took a new life. It's not a big place so you two run into each other almost every day. See each other at every event. Same gym. Same neighborhood.

Your professional life soon got hectic when you started working in your parents' company. A fashion/jewelry company. Famous internationally. You managed to sign Charles as a brand ambassador.

Imagine him doing a photoshoot for your company's new line of clothing. You at the set as well. Both constantly talking and discussing just normal stuff. Both going out for lunch just as friends. Your social media is private, so imagine Charles posting a funny video of you taking ages to choose what flavor of ice cream you will have...just imagine his laugh while he is explaining what's going on and zooming the camera on you. Imagine the fans reaction, but obviously they don't know you two are just very good friends.

Charles and you started to spend more time together. It's like the play dates you two had when you both were kids, but the difference is you two are now adults and instead of playing fun silly little kid's games you two just hang out, vent about your hectic lives, share interesting life events, all that...

Since the friendship rekindled Charles didn't feel the need to jump into a new relationship. He didn't know why. He didn't even think about it. But both of you still under the impression that you two are "just friends".

Imagine you invited to the Monaco GP by Ferrari. You at the back of the garage during the weekend, having a front seat view to everything and Charles. Charles will occasionally come talk to you if he gets the time. Obviously the cameras will get that. It will even be posted on the Ferrari social media. Imagine Charles winning the Monaco GP for the first time (i think we all want it to happen). He doesn't say it but a part of him thinks he won his home race because you were there.

Imagine bored Charles during his week off. Visit you in your office with lunch because you are too busy to even eat. He doesn't disturb you or anything, just making sure you eat something. You find a few minutes break from your work and spend it with him.

Gradually you find yourself regularly keeping tabs about the races and important news regarding F1. You will be doing some important work and the race which is happening in a different continent would be playing on the tv or your phone.

The first time Charles realized that he loves you is when he was in desperate need of a haircut before a social event. He was not in Monaco, but fortunately you were in the same city, probably invited to the same event. So hours before the event he was in your hotel room, sitting on a chair with a towel on his shoulder, and you with a comb and scissor in your hands. Charles trusted you to cut his hair and you were his only option. The entire time he was thinking how "right" it feels. He was looking at the mirror while you cut his hair, and the longer he looked the longer he wanted it to last. The bonus is the hair cut is exactly how his mom would have done it.

You are not dumb or oblivious to everything. You know you are falling for Charles. Whenever you think about you two, about the past and all the moments spent together, falling in love with him seems just inevitable. But you are kinda scared to take the first step. What if he doesn't feel the same way? Charles too is scared to confess his feelings. He knows he doesn't have a good track record when it comes to love and relationships. He doesn't want to mess things up with you. He is scared and nervous and completely in love.

You were very good at hiding your feelings but Charles was not even half as good as you. Everyone around him could tell that he is in love. Even the workers at the Ferrari factory could tell.

Imagine Charles in a different country for a race, and you in a different country for work. Suddenly he sees an article of you with some model or designer. It's just a work meeting but the media made it seem like there was something romantic. Charles knew that but he so badly wished that it was him in that article instead of the other guy. He won the race, mostly because he just wanted for the race to be over as fast as possible so he could hop on the plane and fly to you.

When Charles knocked at your hotel room door you thought it was room service. You opened the door expecting to see your dinner but found an exhausted Charles standing there. He didn't give you a chance to speak and immediately kissed you. It took you a couple of seconds but you kissed back. The way he held you, the way your fingers ran through his hair, the way it felt to kiss each other said everything.

Everything just felt natural. Everything just felt like it was all meant to be. Everything just fits like a perfect puzzle.

BONUS

Imagine both you and Charles decided to keep the relationship private. Of course your families and close friends know and they were all thrilled.

Both finding the right balance between work and relationship. Sometimes you are able to sync your travel with his so you both can be in the same city. You understand what it takes to date an F1 driver, and Charles soon understood what it takes to date someone who is one day going to inherit an entire company.

It's okay if you two don't call each other every day, but you two keep each other updated with texts, photos, videos and voice notes.

Imagine Charles trying to attend your company's events to support you. And you try to attend as many races as you can, at least 10 races a year.

While the relationship is private you never enter the paddock with him. It's for the best. But people are not blind and most are overthinkers and great investigators. Of course speculations started to spread about you two.

You thought the relationship would be private for at least a few more months but Charles accidentally posted a video of you driving his Ferrari while he is just being the passenger princess. The video was supposed to be for the "close friends" but he accidentally forgot to choose that potion before uploading it on his insta story. He realized it immediately and deleted it but a lot of fans have already seen it and recorded it.

Now imagine entering the paddock together. A power couple. Charles holding your hand, fingers intertwined and all. Him introducing you to some necessary people.

Imagine one of those photos where he helps you get in his car and see how it feels. A very unique experience. Him explaining the steering wheel and all the buttons and switches.

Charles kissing you before getting in the car and after finishing his race. If he is in the top 3 or won the race then he just knows you are with the Ferrari team at the parc ferme waiting for him and celebrating for him. Hugs and kisses. Smiling at you from the top of the podium.

Your social media accounts are private so the fans just hound him to post photos of you. Occasional hate is there. You don't care but Charles does.

Summer break. You surprise Charles with an amazing vacation. He is thrilled and excited, but he just can't stop smiling when he finds out that you invited his family as well, because you know he loves going on vacation with his family.

Cute videos of you two from race weekends.

Charles posting cute photos of you or of both of you. It's very rare but he proudly posts them.

Whenever someone asks him questions about you or your name comes up he just gives a love sick smile "my girlfriend..."

You live in Monaco, you are rich, you already have expensive cars, but imagine Charles gifting you a Ferrari. He was completely involved in designing, choosing the perfect color, anything that can be personalized.

Imagine cozy nights at home. You cooking and Charles helping. Watching movies while cuddling under the blanket.

Imagine both working out together.

Imagine both buying a house together. Both equally involved in designing and all. There is no shortage of money so you two can have anything you want.

Imagine you two having a perfect relationship.

[tweekadeek]

Ok... I usually don't do this kind of post... But, OH MY GOD.

I am going to get my hair cut sometime this week. And I mean like, a MASC haircut. And I have been absolutely riveting and so... ecstatic about it that I've been barely able to hold it in...I've barely been able to even SLEEP I've been so excited... I'm equally as nervous but my excitement has kinda been overpowering it. Everytime I think of myself with the hair cut I'm getting, I get butterflies in my stomach and can't help but to almost laugh... One thing is though, my family doesn't realize the haircut I'm getting is a guys haircut. I found one I liked (which took like 3 weeks of shaking hands and anxiousness of too many overwhelming decisions and choices to choose from and backtracking when I did find one and scrolling for hours upon hours... heh. And that was before i got confirmation that I would even be TOOK To get the haircut) and blocked out the person's face in the photo so nobody will realize it's a guy... Yeah, And for some reason that worked? (Though I had my hair short short before, but it was still just a women's haircut, and not even a good one at that... And that was like idk, 3 years ago.) And I'm 99.9 percent sure as far as I know, everyone in my close family that I actually interact with, (and other relatives too more than likely but I only mostly care about where my close family stands) are... Uhm well, are phobics of pretty much ANYTHING to do with being Queer... especially trans it seems. At least to my general knowledge, and of plenty of conversations I've heard in the past, and remarks I've heard when there is a gay and or lesbian couple in a commercial once in a blue moon. Or in a movie we watch on movie night. So that, definitely sucks... (Except my younger sister though, considering we talk about that kind of stuff. But I haven't even told her the reasoning behind my specific haircut.) But basically, I just get really happy emotions and even overwhelmed and nervous thinking and knowing I will soon look somewhat to how I imagine myself soon. So, yeah... sorry about this Long Post, 😅 I just wanted to vent a little bit on here to let out some of my excitement that I can't express the true feelings behind to anyone irl. Have a good day/night. Thanks 💖

[shade-romeo]

It's no longer trans day of visibility, but I'll be honest I missed it by accident and I'm thinking about it now. Happy late Trans Day of Visibility everyone♡

Also let me know if anything in here needs to be tagged♡

Tldr; a vent post about my personal experience with being afab transmasc + a rant about how being trans isn't a lonely experience

I've never identified with the word "Man" not fully. Maybe it's because I haven't fully seen myself as a man yet. I know I'm male, but I'm not "a man" yet, if that makes sense. Boy feels better, but not by much. I'm just so out of touch with my own body that I can't call myself a Man or a Boy without this intrusive sliver of doubt in the back of my head.

So I wouldn't call myself a Man, or a Boy, rather.. a He. I'm a He/Him. That's really all I can say without doubting my own words and getting hyper aware of all the traits that make me "feminine"

I'm luckier than most, I have a large build, wide shoulders and a strong jaw, and I have such a hormone imbalance that causes me to grow facial hair without any outside help. I look at myself in the mirror and I see nothing but a round face and a large chest, I've been slowly trying to force myself to notice my more "masculine" qualities.

And most days I can direct my focus to my face, fix my hair and tilt my head every which way to look at my jawline, and I can confidently say that I'm a Man. But sometimes I look in the mirror, even as soon as a few hours later, and I tilt my head every which way, yet I still can't find the handsome guy that I just saw not even a few hours ago. I've always had a disconnect with the image of me in my head with the image of me in the mirror. I look and I don't see myself, even on good days. It's hard to imagine myself in the future looking and feeling like me when I hardly ever feel like me.

One thing I will always be proud of is my hair. It's soft and long and when I'm feeling good it adds that extra touch to make me feel like me.

The year before i found out I was trans I was trying to grow out my hair because I wanted to see it long, but then I realized and panicked, chopping it all off at once. And at the time I was so excited, because I was finally getting a "boy" haircut, and that was me! I'm a boy! But then I realized.. short hair sucks. It's easy to manage sure but it didn't feel right. And so a year later I shaved the sides and let the top grow out, and here we are. I recently got a haircut, chopped off all the dead ends, and it went from past my shoulder up to my chin. And hear I am as happy as I could be with it. It's perfect.

Basically what I'm getting at, is there's no real way to be trans. I may only have my own experience with being afab transmasc but I know that my experience is, 1. Not universal, but also 2. Not entirely all my own either. You may be reading this rant and finding things that you relate to, or finding things that people you know have spoken to you about.

So I'm not alone in my experience, and neither are you, I may not know you but we're in this together. We'll get through this. And you might not believe that for yourself right now, in all honesty I don't think I do either, but I'm holding out hope that it'll come true for both of us. To all my trans siblings, I love you all so so much, and I hope you find the right combination that makes you feel like you. I love you, seek help if you need it, and please I'm begging you, go tell the people you care about that you love them. No particular reason why, it's just nice to see them light up when you remind them how much they mean to you.

[chincilla-on-the-moon]

Just By Looking- Connor Murphy X Reader

Word Count: 4,325

A/N: Hi! This is the first fanfiction I’ve ever written or posted. so it most likely sucks but whatever. I just want to say thank you to anyone who reads this I appreciate it!                

Connor Murphy was your best friend. You trusted him more than anybody else on the planet and told him everything, the feeling was mutual. You helped him when things were tough at home with his parents and sister and he helped you when you were stressed about school and the future. You spent lots of late nights texting and on video chat helping each other with homework or simply just talking. Anyone could see you were best friends just by looking at you two.

  You weren't always close though, you had gone to the same elementary school and you were in the class when the whole printer incident happened but had no particular opinion about the boy but still thought he was cute. It wasn’t until middle school when you both shared three out of nine classes with one another that you two became friends. Neither of you had friends so it was a perfect opportunity for a friendship to form. You originally weren’t going to talk to Connor or anyone for that matter, but when you went to go eat lunch in the library out of fear for the lunchroom and the eighth-graders it contained you found him at one of the tables, he was the only other person in the library besides the two librarians. You don’t know what possessed you but you decided to go sit with him. His head jerked up when you pulled the chair out across from him, he eyed you with suspicion as you sat down before returning to the book he was reading. You sat in silence occasionally taking a bite from the sandwich your mother had packed for a few minutes before gaining the courage to ask him about his book. At first, he gave you short blunt responses out of fear you were actually mocking him for his book choice but once he saw you listening intently he began to talk with passion. The conversation lasted the rest of the 30 minute lunch period you were both disappointed because you did not want the conversation to end. After all,  this was the first real human interaction you had besides the corny icebreakers you had been forced to do in previous classes but soon realized that you were going to the same place the conversation resumed shortly after that. You sat next to one another in that and every other class you had with one another, you bid each other goodbye before going to the final bell of the day, you were a little anxious walking to your ninth bell because in the short goodbye exchanged there was no promise of talking to one another tomorrow. 

The next day’s lunch came slower than you wished. Your stomach had been twisting anxiously all-day,  you arrived at the library to find him sitting at the same table as yesterday with the same anxious expression that you wore on your face. It soon became a tradition to meet in the library for lunch and walk to the next two classes with one another, it took only a few days for an unbreakable bond to form. In the second week of school, the two of you exchanged social media handles and started texting outside of school. About a month into the school year the two of you started to hang out outside of school occasionally which typically meant going to see a movie or something along those lines. 

In December auditions for the school’s annual musical were held, you decided to go out on a limb and try out for it, you got a lead! At first, Connor was a little upset because it meant you wouldn’t be able to see one another as much but after much convincing you got him to sign up for stage crew to solve this problem. The two of you had a fantastic time doing the show and have done it ever since it made your relationship so much stronger.  Connor seeing you up on that stage performing your little heart out made him realize he might like you a little more than a friend. The fact that Connor agreed to do stage crew and got you a flower the night of the final performance made your little theatre kid heart flutter and you realized you might have feelings for the lanky boy. Both of you acknowledged these feelings for about two seconds before repressing them for about two years.  The bond shared between you and the boy rivaled the bonds between the preppy people who had known each other since practically birth.

 The summer between eighth and ninth grade was very eventful for the two of you, you shared your first kiss so you wouldn’t have to go into high school as “losers who hadn’t had their first kiss” as Connor had so gracefully put it, it wasn’t anything special it was a quick peck and Connor had almost missed your lips. The rest of the night was filled with blushes and a kind of awkward silence. The two of you also smoked weed for the first time which was quick to become one of Connor’s favorite past times. Connor had become a full-on stoner by the time school started. That summer was filled with lots of deep conversations about the future and what was going to happen these next four years and then after that. 

Freshman year came around much too quickly for either of your likings, highschool started out rough for both of you. Fortunately, the two of you shared four classes. Connor had been having more outbursts as a result of the new large workload which caused Larry and Cynthia to be tougher on Connor about things such as his grades, which truly weren’t that bad as he had at least a B in all of his classes some of which were advanced, which always made things worse. You were kinda smart and were also taking some advanced classes which stressed you out and caused you to have anxiety attacks. You still met in the library for lunch but this year the conversations were often filled with quiet reassurances in an attempt to calm the other down instead of the lighthearted conversation about your favorite books. You two became so close and confided in each other for everything.  That year you were partnered up on lots of projects and worked over at the Murphy’s home which resulted in Cynthia and Larry growing very fond of you as well as Zoe. When finals season rolled around you helped one another study and passed all your finals with flying colors getting 80-90 on all of them.

That summer the two of you were forced to spend lots of time apart as a result of the Murphy’s disapproval of Connor’s angry outbursts and smoking habit which resulted in him being grounded and having his phone taken away for most of the summer. Your only form of communication was emails that Connor sent off of an old broken laptop. These emails were very rare though because Connor didn’t want to be caught by Cynthia or Larry and then have the laptop taken away leaving him with absolutely no communication with you. He struggled a lot with being forced to spend all of his time with his family and the fact that they were now forcing him to see a counselor once a week. You tried to help him as much as you could by letting him vent to you, he constantly told you how angry his family made him and how much he misses you. The limited conversation with Connor allowed you to have a lot of time alone with your thoughts, you came to the realization that you were in love with your best friend. Little did you know a few streets away Connor came to the same realization.

He was finally released from “house arrest” the last three weeks of summer, you two spent almost every second together to make up for the one and a half months of lost time. It was nice to see each other again, Connor hadn’t gotten a haircut all summer and his hair now reached just below his ears, it was a good look on him. Unable to drive yet the two of you spent most of your time at the local park within walking distance from both of your houses talking and/or smoking or on Connor’s roof stargazing once it got dark out. 

Once again school had to come around unfortunately but you two were more sure of yourselves and ready for this year. The two of you once again had a good majority of your classes together so you were able to help each other study and things like that. The feeling you held for one another grew steadily and was getting harder to contain. Lunch was filled with longing gazes when you thought the other wasn’t paying attention and harmless “flirting” which actually meant playfully hitting one another just so you could touch or being rude to the other person in a non-serious way. Everyone at school could see how hopelessly in love you two were and assumed you were dating which then led to snarky remarks to be made at you two, which temporarily caused a rift in your friendship for about two weeks in September. The reason being Connor felt bad for causing you to get bullied again which is something that hadn’t happened to you since middle school, the bullying never ceased for him, he figured if he left you alone it would get better but it only caused the comments to worsen. Once you walked out of class after someone said something under their breath he went out to calm you down and saw the error of his ways, everything went back to normal, mostly. The two of you were still a blushing mess around each other. 

You began to spend every moment together that you possibly could and when you couldn’t be together you were texting or Snapchatting. You did the musical and once again got a small supporting role. You were over the moon and Connor was so proud of you. He once again decided to do the stage crew and that show ended up being one of your favorites productions you’ve ever done. After the musical was done finals season came very quickly. You and Connor stopped talking outside of school because you both were studying a lot but still found time to chat and help one another go through the material for the class you shared. During this time Connor also celebrated his 16th birthday and passed his permit test on the first try. Driving had been something he had looked forward to since he was a little boy so he took this process very seriously. He got so excited when Larry would take him out to drive in an empty parking lot somewhere. When you went over to the Murphy’s house for dinner one evening Larry actually complimented his son’s driving abilities. You got to see these skills first hand when Larry allowed Connor to drive when you had to go home. You’d never say it to his face but Connor was actually a fantastic driver.  All the studying paid off when you and Connor got all A’s and B’s on your finals. Larry and Cynthia were shocked when they received Connor’s report card and decided to buy him a car as a reward for his recent good behavior streak. It was a beat-up black pickup truck that perfectly fit Connor’s aesthetic. Although he couldn’t drive yet the two of you enjoy just sitting in the front of the truck most days of the summer and talk but sometimes you would just sit without talking a just listen to music off of a playlist you made of your’s and Connor’s favorite songs and imagine where you two would go if Connor was able to legally drive. The fact that he couldn’t drive legally didn’t stop him completely though, because this is Connor Murphy we’re talking about here why would he pass up the chance to break the law. On some nights he would drive you out to the apple orchard and you two would sometimes smoke but you would always stargaze and talk for hours until the sun was about to come up. Connor still smoked occasionally but not nearly as much as he did during freshman year and you only smoked when you were with him. Those were your favorite kind of night and you knew they were Connor’s as well.  Junior year was approaching rapidly and neither you or Connor was excited. Both of your mental states had started to improve for the better but knew that was going to change as soon as the school year started. 

And unfortunately, that ended up being true. You ended up crying to Connor almost every night because of how stressed you were and he had a lot more outbursts than he had had in years. The only thing keeping him from completely breaking down was the fact he could drive in a couple of months, this was also keeping you going. Connor being able to drive you to school would mean no more taking the bus filled with people you hated or having to wake up an hour earlier than usual and have your mom drop you off a half-hour early before she went to work. The first few months dragged on but Connor finally got his license! This meant you two got to spend even more time together when Connor would bring you to school in the morning and drop you off in the afternoon. If you both got up on time you would get coffee and afterschool if your guy’s homework load wasn’t too bad he would just drive around town for a little while before dropping you off.  Zoe was trying to build up her popularity so she just carpooled with one of her friend’s moms instead of risking being seen with her brother, Connor had no issue with this it meant he didn’t have to worry about his little shit of a sister and all her after school activities.  Auditions for the school musical were swiftly approaching and to say you were nervous would be an understatement. When the day finally came Connor came to support you and the director forced him to audition as well because of the notable lack of boys in the theatre department. The two of you got decent parts and were cast as one another’s romantic interest. At first, Connor wasn’t going to accept whatever part he got but once he looked up the synopsis of the show and figured this out he emailed your director and accepted the part immediately. Since your characters were supporting the two of you had a few lines but not an unmanageable amount, you two were in every single scene together so you could study your lines with one another which was very helpful. You had been doing theatre outside of school your entire life and had always dreamed of having a showmance and you were hoping that the childish dream would finally come true. Connor sometimes got frustrated at rehearsals but you were always there to calm him down and get him back on track. The two of you were to have a stage kiss, both of you avoided that topic of conversation at all costs out of embarrassment. The first few times you ran the scene at rehearsal your director allowed for the two of you to not do the kiss and simply move on with the scene but as the show was approaching he made you perform the kiss, fortunately (but also, unfortunately) he allowed for you to do a stage kiss. Every time you two broke away from the “kiss” your cheeks were as red as roses. You thoroughly enjoyed the feeling of his lips on your thumb and imagined how they would feel on your lips, you kept these feelings to yourself out of fear of losing your best friend if he were to find out.  A few of your castmates picked up on your rosy cheeks and idiotic grin each time you would come off stage from doing the stage kiss but you consistently denied having feelings for your scene partner. As the show approached you began to run the scene more and more and spend more time with each other at rehearsals and outside of rehearsals. Your feelings only grew for each other and you both found yourself almost confessing your feelings, the tension between you two grew greatly. You also found yourself touching Connor more and more whether it was just grabbing his arm when he said a joke or laying your head on his shoulder when you two were watching a movie at his house. Little did you know these little things would drive Connor insane and his face would grow hot every time you would do something along those lines.  On the closing night of the show, Connor got payback for you driving him insane. He took control of the kiss and made sure it wasn’t a stage kiss. You almost passed out when he did this His lips were slightly chapped when they touched yours, just like they were that night the summer before freshman year, and your stomach did loads of backflips. Neither of you wanted the kiss to end but your castmates would have noticed something was up so sadly you pulled away. When you had broken away from each other you had to grab onto his arm make sure you didn’t fall because of how shocked you were,  luckily you were able to play it off quite easily so it seemed like an acting choice and no one noticed besides you two. When you got off stage after what seemed like an eternity Connor had the biggest smirk on his face and seemed quite pleased with himself. You wanted to smack that cocky smirk rights off that stupid pretty face of his but you didn’t instead you kissed it off. You heard the surprised squeak of one of your castmates but didn’t pull away for at least 30 more seconds. When finally did pull away Connor just stared at you with his mouth hanging open and he was still like that when you walked away with a gigantic grin on your face to touch up your makeup. When you walked out of the girl's dressing room you found Connor outside the door waiting for you. You avoided eye contact with the boy out of embarrassment of your actions and tried to walk past him like you didn't see him but he grabbed your arm and dragged you into a more private part of the hallway. ”What the fuck was that?!” he asked whisper yelling.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” you said while fluttering your eyelashes playing innocent hoping he’d get the hint to just let it go. 

“You know exactly what I’m talking about l/n don’t play stupid.” 

”Okay…” you said while still staring down at the floor “maybe I do know what you're talking about but I don't want to talk about it”  

“Well, I want to talk about it. Right now.”

“I really don’t know what you want me to say right now Con,” you said hoping the conversation would end soon for a couple of reasons. Before you could even finish that thought one of the upperclassmen girls came running down the hallway searching for you guys. You two had almost missed your cue but luckily she noticed otherwise you would’ve been killed by your director. 

“We’ll continue this conversation later,” he said before walking down to the stage door. You stood shocked for a couple of seconds before coming to your senses and following behind him. That was the final scene after the curtain calls you hugged Connor quickly before practically running to greet your family to delay the conversation you were bound to have sooner or later. When you got done taking pictures with your friends and family you avoided Connor at all cost possible and sought refuge in the girl's dressing room. You took as long as humanly possible hanging up your costumes and whole doing so a few people told you that Connor was looking for you but you told them to tell him that you were busy and couldn't talk. When you finished cleaning your space in the dressing room and walked out to go help with strike on the stage you found Connor sitting outside the door presumably waiting for you to finally come out. When you did you tried to speed walk past and pretend you didn't see him but he called your name so you had to turn around and look at him. ”Y/N can we talk for a minute?” he says, voice filled with anxiety.

”I'm sorry Con but I really get out there and help strike.” you said looking at the ground 

”Well then can we talk at the cast party?” 

”Yeah. We can talk after.” Strike lasted for about an hour. During that time you and Connor had to help each other with things such as putting costumes away or helping fold a backdrop. Finally, the time for the cast party came and you couldn't wait cause you were starving. 

Usually, you and Connor would sit in the corner of the lunchroom and talk about the paper plate awards people were receiving and how bad some of them were but this time after you got your food there was no talk about paper plate awards, Connor immediately asked, ”So what was that L/N?”

”I don't know Connor, what was it?” you answered in a very snarky manner. ”You were the one who kissed me first so it's only fair that you answer first.”

”Look. First of all, I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable that was never my intention. I guess… I guess  I just misread the situation a thought there was a slight chance you could like me back. Second of all before you decide you never want to talk to me again I just want you to know that you are one of the greatest people I've ever met and I love you so much. Sorry again. I guess I'll just leave you alone now for the rest of eternity.” he says avoiding eye contact like it's his job. 

You stared at him for a couple of seconds dumbfounded that Connor thought you didn't like him when for years you thought he didn’t romantically like you. Just as you fully processed what Connor said he began to stand up you suddenly grabbed his wrist and pulled him to sit back down. ”Wait, wait, wait let me get this straight you Connor Murphy like me Y/N L/N in a romantic way?”, you said almost laughing out of pure joy because finally the boy who you’ve liked since middle school likes you back. 

“Yeah, go-ahead laugh it up. Isn't it just hilarious that a freak like me thought he had some sort of chance that he had a chance with someone as talented and beautiful as you?” he said almost yelling. You stopped smiling and slightly cringed into yourself, Connor had gotten angry around you before but the anger was never directed at you. It was always at Larry, Cynthia, Zoe or just the world in general but never ever at you. When he finally stopped talking he saw that you were scared and regained his composure but was still shaking with anger. Luckily the cafeteria was loud enough where it seemed like you and Connor were just having a conversation. 

”Con will you just let me say something before you start jumping to conclusions?” you said quietly. ”I'm just surprised that someone as great as you would like someone like me, don't get me wrong I'm grateful but wow. I just still can't process that Connor Murphy, the boy I've liked for years, actually likes me back!”

It was his turn to stare at you with a dumb look. “You actually like me back?” he says in a state of shock.  You shake your head and he looks like he’s going to start crying and you do too. You both just stared at each other with stupid grins on your faces for about 30 seconds before you hugged one another and cried out of relief. When you pulled away Connor asked, “So N/N will you be my girlfriend?” You shook your head wildly and pulled his face to yours and gave him the biggest smooch. It was far from perfect but it was good enough for the both of you. You spent the rest of the cast party hand in hand with big smiles on your faces. No one was surprised when you two announced that you were a couple but everyone was happy they didn’t have to deal with the awkward pinning anymore. Larry and Cynthia were more excited than you and Connor were when you told them you two were dating, they saw how happy you made their son and they already loved you so it was perfect, Zoe would never admit it but she was happy that her brother had got you. 

Those late-night conversations were now filled with I Love yous and loads of compliments. When you guys hung out you were constantly touching one another in some way. Connor still had his outbursts every once in a while but you were always there to help him pick his piece up and put them back together. You and Connor loved each other more than anything. Anyone could see that you two were soulmates just by looking at you.

[seihou-inner-space]

Entry 21O321

Alright, here’s the rundown. I got bad anxiety and it really affected me. A few days ago I had an issue with the new server, since strangers and trolls kept coming in due to Kate bumping the server every time in the morning. I kept saying that I was hoping for some sort of barrier to help with that, but everyone kinda brushed me off, which gave me a lot of anxiety because I felt like I wasn’t being take seriously.

I am too tired to remember exactly what I said, but here’s what I posted in the complaints channel:

“Okay, I really didn’t want to come down to this, but this is seriously starting to bother me with how often this is starting to happen. I have several complaints, and maybe some suggestions because the situation, in my opinion, is not helping the server much and I’m very bothered.

First of all, what is the end goal for this server? I just want a clear answer so that I can just know. I feel like this is the root of a bunch of the problems I’m starting to have.

Second, I am concerned about the server bumping situation. I don’t really care about the bumping, what I actually care about is the timing of it and the fact that lately, new strangers keep coming in and some of them being really shady. Which bring me to my next point.

I know I’ve said this a bunch of times, but we need some sort of barrier if the plan for the server is to make it into a bigger server. Along with that, I think it would be beneficial to have mods that aren’t in highschool or too busy with stuff, because I think that in order to have a good (big) server, there has to be someone available to deal with the server whenever it has problems or just general stuff to deal with.

I am honestly super tired, and sleep deprived. Yes I’m aware this is a small server, but this is an actual problem that’s making me uncomfortable in this server and it’s bothering me that it seems like no one is listening to my concerns.“

So that was what happened. Then there was this new guy Kris who got himself involved for some reason, being like “Yeah I agree with you!” even though he had no business being in that conversation. Rose and Jordyn tried to explain their side of things but then I got more agitated and said:

“Okay, look. I just want someone to hear me out because this is seriously bothering me and it’s not helping my mental health by not saying anything. I just wanted to get a chance to talk about it at least once to get it off my chest but this is getting too much.”

And not joking, the new guy Kris said “If you need to get stuff off your chest you could always use the venting channel or talk to friends? Idk you very well but my dm’s are open for everything and everyone.”

BRUH. WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME WHAT TO DO?! That really pissed me off for sure. Doesn’t help that this guy is 15 and is in the “best of the best” phase. He likes to boast about how talented he is. Definitely needs to learn some humility.

Anyway had lots of trauma flashbacks lately. And it was just terrible. I’m dealing with it as best I can, but it’s just difficult. I tried to get a haircut to see if that could help, but nope. The lady cut too much off, so now my hair is low key choppy, and I think I look ridiculous. It was the first time I actually cried over a bad haircut, though I think it was also due to the fact that I was overwhelmed and sleep deprived. On the bright side, I got a Mickey Mouse bandana so I can hide my hair and flower crowns to distract people from looking too close. – 3 –

[adamandgrieve]

10/7/2020, 12:42 AM

I’m feeling some kind of deep sadness. Maybe it’s just what comes with it being fall, or maybe it’s because I’m stuck thinking about spring 2018 and meeting Kyle and wondering why he stopped texting me back all those ages ago. I need to get this off my chest. I need to chill out. And I mean, it’s fine, or it should be. Like, I have a partner now and I love him and I genuinely want to be with him for as long as we can. Things have been hard after his mom died, but they’re getting better all the time. They’re going to be okay.

But sometimes I just miss him. Like, man, that was.. A weird time in my life. Going into exam week, have no friends, fly off the handle into a suicidal rage every night. Take too many pills but not enough, because I know I won’t die, I’ll just space out. Laying on the living room carpet, talking to Grant and JoAnne and listening to Gymnopédie No.1 on Pandora. And the months go by and I still have no friends and nothing feels real, or better. And then I post some shit on Whisper of all dumb places, because I was a horny 19-year-old who just wanted to get beat up, maybe because I was a little into it, and maybe because I felt like I deserved it.

And he just, responds. “You mean like, in a sex kind of way?” Yeah, man, in a sex way. But I don’t even remember what I actually said. I was nervous, and probably manic, and feeling like taking that risk. I was going to come out to my parents. I was going to get a haircut. I had exams that week. Why not do something crazy?

So we talked, and he sent me a picture, and honestly? Maybe I should have been more suspicious. But my first thought was, “That’s him?” and my second thought was “Yeah, I don’t think a catfish would use this picture. I’m good.” It sounds rude, but I didn’t think he was ugly. It just wasn’t a very catfish-able photo, ya know?

And he told me something to this day I don’t think I believe, that I was “his type” and that somehow he was into doughy awkward trans guys (and possibly anyone really, because he was pan, but I was his type, miraculously) and we ended up...planning to meet. I remember the picture I sent of me, because it was before I had chopped off all my hair, that I had taken a few weeks (days?) before when my parents and step-sister and I went to the coast. My step-sister and I climbed into these trees and while I was up there I took this stupid photo of me, hair back, wearing a dumbass Hawaiian shirt (that I still own) and stupid round shades that would always get tangled in my hair. I still own the glasses too, actually./ 

Kyle said he thought I was cute. And hey, I didn’t believe him. Why would I? I was that kid who didn’t have any friends from sixth grade onward, aside from my best friend and a group of blonde Christian girls from high school. And Emma, but she honestly was the one who stood out. I was the kid who people laughed at, who boys would ask out as a joke, or insult their friends by saying I liked them (when I didn’t.) I had never been kissed, never been on a date, never even held hands romantically (does Eric count? No. Eric does not count.)

Regardless, I didn’t believe that he thought I was cute. But I thought, hey, fuck it, I’m horny and feeling like dying and just having a really, really weird time. So I agreed to come to his place (really his mom’s townhouse, if I remember) at 10:30 PM, the night before my SOC 300 exam, just to see what would happen.

I remember telling my step-sister about this. And how it wasn’t really sneaking out, because I was 19, and my parents really didn’t care, and that of course I’d be careful and everything, it’s not that sketchy. I was scared and nervous but who wouldn’t be. Kyle wanted to be my first kiss, allegedly

So I went.

I parked on the street, Payton Drive or something (we talked about how it was named after Payton Manning I think. But who knows.) It was warm out, but not too warm, and he lived near a school, in a new-ish housing development. There was a grocery store nearby, and a gas station, and I’d never been there before but I drove past it a few days later while in the car with my mom.

Maybe I’ll drive there tomorrow, just to look.

Anyway, I parked on the street and got out of my truck and just...Stood there for a bit. He was on the porch, if you can call it that, on a chair. And he came up to my car, I think. I was so nervous, this part is all a little fuzzy.

We ended up at the back corner of the building, in the side yard. We sat in the chairs he carried from the porch, and just...talked, for a bit. I barely remember about what. Video games, maybe, and that he worked in the kitchen at a restaurant. At some point he mentioned he was moving soon. I was wearing a stupid outfit, I’m sure, I think a flannel over a t-shirt, and these old jeans that I rolled up because I refused to wear shorts in those days. He was wearing pajama pants, and I thought that was cute, and kind of hot in a weird confident way. 

He wasn’t particularly hot otherwise, by mainstream standards, but there was something about him. He had straight hair to his shoulders, and smelled like cigarettes, and was taller than me but not TALL.

At some point he gave me a hug. I didn’t know how to hug in those days, and these days it’s still hard, usually. But he was warm, and the night was calm, and I was so scared. He asked if I would let him kiss me, I think. 

I wanted to. So I said yet. And it was...

Strange.

It wasn’t really what I was expecting. His lips were soft, and a little cold actually, and he tasted like the cigarette smoke I could smell in his clothes. I didn’t know if he was good, and I sure as hell didn’t think I was (or am) and the whole experience confused me. I felt disappointed, almost.

But when I went home later that night, all I could think about was doing it again, or seeing him again, or just. Feeling something. I felt like dying all the time before this, and then I felt something weird and alive being with Kyle, even though I barely knew him. Maybe because I barely knew him, and he didn’t know me, before. He only knew me as Adam, “Adam Bomb”, and thought I was cute, and didn’t care that I wanted to be punched in the face, and wanted to kiss me, and do more and it was exciting!

I just wanted to see him again. Infatuated with this person I had only just met, and stayed up until 6 AM before my exam for. (I did well on the exam, somehow, even though my mind was both far away and barely conscious.)

Maybe I’ll revisit the second and third (last) time I saw him sometime. I just needed to vent. My emotions are too strong (all the time, in all situations) and I try to push them down and pretend they aren’t there (all the time, with everyone) even when I don’t mean to. I felt so much for him, because he was the first, and he was in my mind a very interesting and confident person. And he moved to not-quite-Dallas,Texas.

(Ryan is moving to Texas too, and my other friend. Who does Texas steal all my friends.)

I miss him. I still have his old number, which I think he doesn’t have anymore. I messaged him on his old Whisper account, which I don’t think he uses either. I even, somehow, found him on Facebook. He has a partner now too, that he met soon after leaving here. I feel like a creep. I’ll leave him be. I want to talk to him, and see how he is, and go into the woods with him again and just. Feel that way. I want to feel the tension and excitement and a life I will never lead.

But I don’t think I would.

It would just be sad and embarrassing.

[lowsodiumfreaks67]

Some questions are difficult to answer

Sorry Iv been a little m.i.a bit I got a little something for y’all.

a/n : for some unknown reason this piece does not look right on tumblr mobile so I apologize in advance if its difficult to read, I also uploaded it to my wattpad if you want to read it there instead. @obsessionunhealthy 

Summary : Its your first Supernatural convention of the year in Nashville because Seattle got Con-blocked. You’re joining your husband Jensen and your costar Jared for your first panel together when a fan asks a question that brings back some memories. 

Warnings : Talks of attempted suicide.

Word Count : 1806

More chapters will be posted as soon as I get time :) xx

"Ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the stage the Winchesters, Jared Padalecki, Jensen Ackles and his wife the wonderful Mrs Y/N Ackles"

Richards voice rang loudly through the speakers as you made your way up the stairs and through the curtain to the stage, you were greeted by loud cheering and whooping from the audience, Richard and Rob welcomed you all with warm hugs and wished you good luck, you waited until Louden Swain had finished playing Carry on my wayward son before you raised your mic to speak.

" What's up Nashville " you all shouted into the mics at the same time making the crown cheer even louder than before.

" Wow y'all are loud " you said with a massive smile on your face, you turned to Jensen.

" Howdy y'all, it's good to be back, I do love me some Nashville "

Jared then raised his mic " How you guys doing today? Any first timers? " a lot of people in the audience cheered loudly making all three of you look at each other surprised.

" Really y'all have never been to a supernatural convention, this is your first one ? " you asked making them cheer again.

" How long have we been doing this ?" Jensen asked still in shock

" 14 years " Jared answered quietly " 14 years " Jensen got up from his seat a little and shouted into his mic " 14 YEARS "

" Some of you guys were only 2 when the show started so that's understandable " you said as you looked out across the audience before someone shouted from the back " I was only born " you jumped from your seat in shock and walked to the edge of the stage

" You were what, how old are you ? "

" I'm 14 "

" Your 14 oh my gosh WE'VE BEEN DOING THIS YOUR WHOLE LIFE" Jensen exclaimed.

“ When were you born ? “ you asked

" I was born in January " she answered

" January what ? " Jared asked

" January 25th "

" Two thousand and ? " Jensen trailed off trying to work it out

" Five " she answered back

All three of your dropped your mics in shock, Jared and Jensen slumped into their chairs whilst you just dropped to the ground at the front of the stage and lay there, the audience erupted into laughter and cheers.

" We’re so old " you said into your mic dramatically without moving making the audience laugh even harder.

" So you're what a freshman in high school ? "

" Yeah that's right "

" Oh my god freshman in high school, that's mind boggling " you sighed from the ground

“ I can drive too “ she shouted

" You can already drive ? " Jensen asked before turning to Jared and shouted " IT DRIVES "

" Alright alright calm down " Jared chuckled placing a hand on Jensen's shoulder

" Fun fact he still can't drive " Jensen stated matter of factly whilst looking out at the girl and pointed at Jared

" And I still got 22 years on ya " Jared said mockingly but then began to fake cry as Jensen pulled him into a side hug, the audience was laughing loudly at your guys reaction at this.

" Oh my god we gotta change the subject im not liking this " you said as you got back up from the floor and walked back to your seat. Jared turned his seat to face the right side of the stage " Yeah lets get some questions going, hey there " he said to the young girl at the left of the stage waiting with a mic " Hello everyone I just wanted to ask if there has there been anything embarrassing or funny happen on set recently ? " you let out a small chuckle and spoke first " Well I kicked Jared's ass last week whilst playing with Tom and Shep last week, all i'll say is that I a woman and 2 kids managed to pin him down whilst Odette attempted to give him a wedgie, Gen videoed thing I’ll get her to post it for you guys, that must have been a pretty big kick to the ego " the audience laughed as you blew a kiss in Jared's direction.

The rest of the panel went on like this, you guys making fun of each other, telling stories, making jokes and having tremendous fun with the audience, it wasn't long before it was time for the last question, you finally stopped laughing after Jared finished his story about the train in Europe and turned to face the girl standing to the left of the stage.

Now you were in front of her you could see her face was soaked with tears and she was shaking like a leaf, you pulled her into a tight hug and whispered in her ear " Its okay honey, what's the matter? "

" I uh um I just got a little overwhelmed sorry I wasn’t expecting to be chosen for a question, I just wanted to thank you guys for everything you've done for me this past year " you pulled away slightly but still held her arms, " What's your name ? "

" Its Gabriela but everyone calls me Gabby "

" Well Gabby i'm very pleased you’re here with us and that this massive family has helped you through a tough time and as Jared would say Always Keep Fighting because it will all be some sort of okay someday "

" Thank you so much, may I ask you how it is that you keep a positive mindset even when going through tough times ? "

You pulled her in for another tight hug before heading back up onto the stage, Jared handed you your mic as you sat back down between the boys again.

" Alright sorry about that guys, the wonderful Gabby has asked how it is that I keep a positive mindset even when things are tough and if i'm being honest it's pretty damn hard to stay positive sometimes, just like everyone else I do have days where I just don't feel happy, I’m run down or i'm feeling super unmotivated but I get through those days with the help of my friends and family, both on set and here with you guys " the crowd cheered loudly as you turned to Jensen and Jared who were both smiling at you gently.

" Surround yourself with those you love and who make you happy, shutting yourself away and pushing those people away can be the worst thing you could ever do, I did that and it was quite possibly the worst decision of my life, that and the haircut I had during season 4 I mean what was I thinking " you joked making the audience chuckle a little before they quietened down again.

" About 7 years ago I went through a pretty tough time and instead of speaking up and accepting the help that was right there in front of me, I suffered in silence and that led to my mental state getting so out of control that one day when I got home I broke down completely as soon as my front door shut, it had been a good day on set, the scenes weren't too hard and everything went smoothly but inside my head I was fighting a losing battle, so I just I locked myself in my flat and turned my phone off, I shut out the outside world completely " the crowd was eerily silent as they listened to you speak, you could even see a few people in the front row with tears in their eyes, taking a deep breath to calm yourself you started back into your story.

" Uh no one but Jared, Jensen and Erik Kripke know what happened that night but that was the night I tried to take my own life " you let out a shaky breath when you heard a few people in the audience gasp, Jensen wrapped an arm around your shoulder and pulled you into his side as Jared grabbed your free hand and squeezed it then held it between his two large warm hands as you continued.

" I had forgotten that these two were coming over to run lines for the episode ' A little slice of Kevin ', I wasn’t answering the door or my phone so they decided to break down my front door Winchester style, I’m about to get a tiny bit graphic here but when they charged into my apartment they found me lying on my bathroom floor covered in and lying in a puddle of my own blood, they got me to the hospital in time for doctors to save my life, I will always thank Chuck for putting these two Idjits on this earth " a few of the audience members chuckled whilst others awed when you leaned up and kissed Jensen gently then reached over and pulled Jared into a tight hug.

" Okay so the lesson you should take from that is that you need to wake up positive, never go to sleep angry with anyone because you never know what could happen, try not to worry about what might go wrong in the day, focus on what will go right no matter how small it may be whether it be going out for lunch with a friend or grabbing a coffee with someone you haven't seen for awhile, remember you never fail at anything, you just gain experience and knowledge you can use to help in a future situation " you pulled yourself from the boys and got up and walked to the front of the stage.

" Y'all I want everyone here to know that there will always going to be someone out there who is going to listen to whatever it is you have to say and if right now you don't know who that person it then come to me, my email is on my Instagram and twitter, you guys can send me private messages, I even have a P.O box if you'd like to write me a letter, i'll always be here to support you guys no matter what and i'll always try my best to help you in anyway that I know how " the crowd cheered and clapped as you made your way off the stage back to Gabby.

" Thank you so much for coming and asking your question today, if you ever need someone to vent or talk to then drop me a message and i'll try help the best I can " you wrapped your arms around her in a tight hug before heading back on stage which was now occupied by Richard and Louden Swain.

Jensen met you at the end of the stage and extended his hand to you to guide you back up the stairs as Jared spoke to everyone, " Thank you so much everyone for coming out, sorry if we bored you too much with our stories, well see y'all later on " the audience cheered and clapped as you guys waved before exiting the stage whilst Louden Swain played Your Love by The Outfield.

[iamamenacetosocietydamn]

I've had something on my mind and have decided to just say it.

Warning! This post is very long and Will turn into kind of a vent at the end, Anyway, onto the Post!.

It's 2019, Everyone Is Arguing about one thing or another, nothing looks good, Like the whole situation of LGBTQ+ and Non LGBTQ+ members, I've noticed How Apparently if you don't approve of It You're Instantly Marked as a bad person, People seem to forget that People are allowed to have opinions, I'm friends with Plenty of people who would be thought of as Homophobes Nowadays, But They're really not bad people, They've just been raised different, with different beliefs, You know the Way People have been raised Takes a huge toll on people, They might not approve Of LGBTQ+ people But They don't HATE them, At least the people I know, They just Don't Exactly approve of them, But They Let them live their lives with their decisions non the less, It's not their Decision to make of what they do with their lives and who they are. It's really just that, isn't it? People say everyone is allowed to have free speech and to have their opinions but when it's an opinion someone doesn't approve of, It's instantly marked as wrong, Humanity has almost Come full circle now, First anything to do with LGBTQ+ stuff was Unheard of and wrong, Any other opinion was trash, But now, If you have any other opinion other than That you're completely on The LGBTQ+ communities side, You're Marked as trash. it sucks, doesn't it?, Opinions are opinions, Let people live their lives! Give them the freedom you claim to want, If someone doesn't support something, then okay, if someone does Support it, then again Okay. Opinions are opinions for a reason, Let them be, it really doesn't matter what others think in the end, Just live your life.

Now this might sound like it comes from a Homophobe Trying to excuse their behaviour but it's not, It's coming from A Girl That's Having an identity crisis, Along with a sexuality crisis, I have a boyfriend, yes but I also don't completely Feel Attracted to him, I didn't fall for him too hard, Last person I actually fell for hard is my best friend, He used to be a girl too, Just last year he came out to me about him being trans and how his parents and sister didn't approve of his decisions, yet he went with it anyway and they still did what they could to support him, Getting him a haircut and boy clothes, whatever he needed, even went to prom in a tux! I genuinely sometimes feel like I still have a crush on him, Even though it's been about 3 to 4 years and I never told him.

Anyway sorry for how long this is! And sorry that it kind of turned into a small Vent, Just wanted to let people know that no matter who you are, you're valid, I don't care if you're straight, Gay, Pan, Ase, you're all valid and I love and appreciate you.

I'm genuinely Nervous about posting this, Let's hope it goes well.

[the-only-universe-here]

Tell me about ocs. Is now legal obligation

Okay I've rewritten this like three times because I want this to be a good and fun post for everyone and maybe try to not completely overwhelm this ask with the many... Many conflicting character thoughts I've been thinking about recently which spans across like 8/9 characters and like three universes because I'm a goddamn mESS.

So instead of all that I'm going to assign the class some reading which you can find here and here about my team KRML, which I'm always ready and interested in talking about, and tell you some about my fan apprentices for The Arcana.

Starting us off is the apprentice that I initially used for both Julian and Asra's routes, Verun Levvie. Before I started playing the Arcana I honestly didn't really have much for her - she was just a neat little self insert cameo in a couple of my stories.

Originally she ran a magic shop with the main intent to help people with their dreams. Her magic would basically snatch the memories of dreams out of their minds and she would craft dream catchers from threads that she basically infused with their dreams. Nightmares, good dreams, and anything else. If they had a recurring nightmare they wanted to get rid of, or if they wanted to keep the dream catcher and be able to re-live that memory... Yknow.

She's also a mess and she can't help but copy the tendencies of people around her. So if she's around a certain boisterous, flirty beanpole man? Oops now she's flirting back and where the hell did she get all this confidence?? Or if she's around her favorite magician boyfriend she'll end up following along with his shenanigans and getting into some sort of trouble with him. But on her own, she's just generally very quiet and very very introverted. Like, vampire hissing as the curtains are drawn back, don't touch me don't look at me unless you're one of my boys. Also yes, she's in a polyamorous relationship with Julian and Asra and I have custom background stories for the three of them that I will spare you from... Unless you really wanna hear about it.

5'7" of Verun to love her boys with... Also she has like. Honey-amber eyes is how I describe it in my writing? If I can pinpoint the exact color I'll show it when I can. But I'm infatuated with the color. Also I stole an hairstyle/hair color from my sister for her hair, so just think of like, red-orange-white fire-ish lookin hair. I don't know how to describe it without sharing photos of my sis but its cool and I'm absolutely too fuckin powerful in a universe where people can have purple-pinkish hair and red eyes.

Akaira is my second fan apprentice, and uh. Okay just an fyi but my fan apprentices all exist in their own universes so there's no messy storylines crossing.

Because Akaira ends up fucking all of the main male LI's except for Muriel, because the big forest man reminds her entirely too much of her sister and that would just be WEIRD. (He also probably hates Akaira so. There's that.) And that's all before the game actually starts. She's like, the barely-has-morals thot. A classic chaotic neutral rogue multiclassing as a ranger, if you know D&D. She has Looks™ and knows how to use them to get what she wants. And if someone isn't tempted or swayed by her flirting and beauty, she's handy with both knife and bow and has no qualms about spilling blood.

It should be no surprise to anyone that her main LI is Lucio, because honestly... She's kind of a gold digger and Lucio is also a barely-has-morals thot.

But! She does actually have backstory filled out, since I've had her character for years and years now. Her first memories are uh. Well, being shot with an arrow to the neck, which left her with her first scar. The man that shot her, thinking the rustling on the bushes of the forest to be an animal, took her to his home out in the middle of fuckin nowhere and added a new daughter to his household. So Akaira was given a name and she acquired two loving parents and a sister. Everything was fine for a while, but then her mother got sick and barely managed to hold onto life for years, until she passed away and everything turned to shit. Her father turned into an abusive asshole, driven mad with grief, and her sister became distant and harsh and just didn't really care about anything. Her and her sister had been taught from a young age how to fight in self defense, but at some point they started... "sparring". Sparring, but like, with just a little bit of blood. So from about the age of sixteen Akaira started gathering scars from her sister mostly, though her father left his fair share as well. (Akaira is always rather sensitive about being called a bitch...) But eventually, Akaira decided to forsake her father and the last name he had given her, so she left her home and got herself into some mercenary work, or whatever would sustain her, traveling around until she got to Vesuvia. Along the way she discovered her talent at manipulation and pickpocketing, which ended up with a lot of "free dinners" for herself 😉

She's also quietly self conscious about her scars, though outwardly she has no issue with flaunting them. The only times that you'll see her actually flinch when people talk about her scars is when she's already having a really, really bad day. Akaira is also like... Weirdly masochistic when it comes to continuing to spar with her sister. Even now she'll go adventure and meet up with her sister and ask to spar even when she knows she'll end up bleeding (sometimes a dangerous amount).

I'm pretty sure that she's also like. My most attractive character, at least out of my girls. Like, 5'4" of blonde loveliness. Long, gently curly hair, light blue eyes, thighs thick enough to kill a man. Makeup game is Stronk. She herself is able to throw her sister, and her sister is a 6'10 monster of a person, and she has the muscle mass to prove it.

Buuuut anyway, onto Aldafa Hylene. Who, surprise, is Akaira's sister! Ahahahaha. I swear she isn't as bad as she seems based on Akaira's side of the story. Like she is, but she isn't. She took her mother's loss really hard, as a child cut off from society would. And since, at that age, she was trained and able to take care of herself alone in the forest... She did. She would spend days or weeks alone in the wilderness, venting her anger and sadness to the things of the forest in whispers and twangs of her bowstring and angry howls back at the wolf packs. She found solace in the primal forces of nature, of fighting for her life with every action when she was alone, and when it came to Akaira welcoming chances to fight those wild instincts just... Continued on into it. So she'd leave cuts and bruises on her sister and then wrap her wounds with bandages and salves and other healing things. She'd also make sure her father left Akaira alone for the time she had to heal, though sometimes when she wasn't there he would aggravate Akaira into lashing out at him. (And if she knew the terribly grievous wounds that he left with his own blades by sight, Akaira didn't need to know. She could deny for a little longer.) No matter what she did, her father never lashed out at Aldafa, so she just kind of refused to believe that he was as horrible as Akaira seemed to believe. (Her sister's blood was on her own hands only, not his. She was responsible for it, she was so sorry for it.)

But eventually, she followed Akaira out of their home and found her own way to Vesuvia. She met Asra and yknow, she didn't mind him. Maybe a bit louder and more energetic than what she preferred, but she knew her tolerance for people was pretty unique. It probably took her like ten or twenty times of her meeting Muriel in the forest for him to decide that this new friend of Asra's was okay, so he gave her one of his little charms for her to remember him with... And after that she would go to him when she needed a break from the city. They're both very quiet, neither of them like people, and honestly having that sort of mutual thinking is perfect. And then it turned into Aldafa spending days with him... And then weeks. And then they just unofficially started living together.

Best thing? Aldafa is just as tall as Muriel, and while she's kind of a beanpole herself (yknow, 6'10 hooman) she's got some serious muscle to her, just like Akaira. Also she has no idea what a haircut is, she'll just take a couple inches off of her own hair with her hunting knife so her hair is short and patchy af but she gives exactly zero shits.

ANYWAY ITS GETTING ONTO 3AM BECAUSE I'M A DUMBASS BUT THANKS FOR COMING TO MY TED TALK AND LETTING ME RANT ABOUT THESE THREE I GOTTA GO BED NOW

[mightylauren]

Avengers Endgame SPOILER FILLED Thoughtstream

Pretty much a blow by blow reaction stream straight from my mind in list form of the entire movie from beginning to end. Clearly full of spoilers so it’s below the cut and tagged to death. There’s some all caps screaming. A few keyboard smashes. A fair amount of cussing. Probably a fair amount of typos as I typed this while totally not rewatching it in the comfort of my home. 

Totally not.

I don’t really expect anyone to read all of this but it was all festering in my mind and now it’s out. 

SERIOUSLY I SPOIL LIKE EVERYTHING BELOW THE CUT DON’T CLICK IT UNLESS YOU’RE SURE YOU WANT TO SEE IT.

Who put’s mayo on a hotdog?

Oh man hawks didn���t even see it happen nooo. I knew we were opening with Barton family dusting but ouch.

Tony calling Nebula the blue meanie!

Nebula refusing the last of the food and making Tony eat it makes me love her even more. 

Tony somehow keeps his sense of humor even in the face of death. God I love him. I know he’s gonna make it off this ship.

HA, that Internet joke about Carol showing up right after the trailer scene is true. That’s hilarious.

They never explain how Carol knew to look for them, but I’m going to guess she came to earth ala the scene after Captain Marvel and then went back out to see if she could find him.

Or she got REALLY lucky

I’m unclear does Nebula need oxygen and food? Or just significantly less than a full on human? She seems much better off than him.

Steve shaving did we miss seeing the beard one last time by like seconds? rude.

OMG Rocket sitting down and taking Nebula’s hand. The last of their family. Everyone else gone. My heart is aching.

23 days so we’re less than a month past Vanishing Day

Ha Tony calling Rocket Build a Bear is my first genuine laugh this movie.

I honestly was dying on the inside the whole time Tony is losing his shit on Cap. I mean he needed to say it all but seeing how sick he is and falling apart. He rips off his reactor and hands it over then collapses.

My heart.

Rhodey man. “That’s cute, Thanos has a retirement plan.”

Man this is the least planning they’ve ever done before a mission. They’re just gonna pack up, hop in a space ship and go kill Thanos? Cool. Coolcoolcool.

Okay it’s pretty good to see a lot of that trailer stuff is from very early on in the movie.

“Who here hasn’t been to space? You better not throw up on my ship.” XD

How does this big ass planet that can clearly sustain life have no life on it? Just Thanos some birds and some Meiloorun fruit?

That’s a Star Wars reference for those of you who don’t cross fandom lines.

So his snapping arm looks completely borked.

OH SHIT THEY CAME IN SWINGING

FUCK THOR CHOPPED OFF HIS ARM DAMN

ASDFKSAJDOFIUA THE STONES ARE GONE

Wait why is Banner still not Hulking out? How is that suit still running?

Damn he destroyed the stones. He knew they’d come.

DAMN THOR WENT IN HARD.

We are like twenty minutes in and Thanos is dead? I… what?

*crumples up and throws away all predictions she had before going into the movie

FIVE YEARS LATER?!?

FIVE

FIVE YEARS

I should have brought a paper bag to breath into.

Okay there’s the support group. Yup a lot of the footage from trailers and stuff is front loaded at the beginning of this. Which is good, because no clue where this is genuinely going.

Did… did a rat just bring Ant-Man back? A rat?

Shit how long has it been for him?

Oh wait, he’s looking for his people maybe not that long.

P-professor Chang?

Can you imagine how disorienting this all is for Scott? Pops out five years after a tragedy like the snap with no idea what the hell is happening.

My sister literally turned to me and said “no trash service but they built a monument?”

Valid question. Very valid. 

OMG CASSIE IS ALL GROWN UP I CAN’T.

I don’t think he fully realized how much time had passed until he saw his daughter.

“You’re so big” just made me tear up a little.

I just had a baby daughter four months ago. So I’m trying not to imagine what it would be like to vanish along with a bunch of other people and then turn back up five years later.

CAROL’S HAIR.

I’m sorry some of this is probably going to be completely incomprehensible unless you’ve seen the movie it just needs venting.

I am liking that they’re all reporting to Nat. That Rocket and Nebula are clearly teamed up.

OMG rocket made a joke about the haircut and Carol called him Fur Face

In case you didn’t know I have a ridiculous love for Rocket so I’m just glad he’s got a support system right now with almost the entirety of his found family dusted.

Capt. Marvel is basically saying she’s out for most of this movie isn’t she? I guess that makes sense she’s OP as hell.

Rhodey is tracking Clint but reluctantly. Clint’s clearly gone off the deepens a bit. Vigilante. Nat isn’t taking it well. Oh no she’s crying. 

This movie is gonna kill me.

I’m trying to imagine seeing a pod of whales in the Hudson River and I can’t imagine it. 

Okay so I’m guessing Scott’s about to turn up covering another major point from the early trailers. Yes yes yes. This is good.

Nat explaining that the Avengers gave her a family and a life and made her feel like she was a better person. Oh girl. You’ve done enough. It’s okay.

HA THE LOOKS ON THEIR FACES ARE PRICELESS

Scott doesn’t know science. He’s trying so hard. We need the Science Bros. Where are they?

FIVE HOURS

FIVE FUCKING HOURS?

HE WAS IN FOR FIVE HOURS AND LOST FIVE YEARS????

“Scott, I get e-mails from a raccoon so nothing seems crazy anymore.” LFAO

Tony has a daughter I’m dying. It had to be a little girl. 

Wait is he serious about eating crickets on lettuce? He might be this is semi post-apocalyptic.

Tony does not look happy to see them.

YES LET’S PULL A TIME HEIST. Tony isn’t feeling this but I am.

Oh, Scott, honey. Back to the Future? 

Though Tony your protege Peter used movies to make plans all the time. Maybe it’s not that laughable.

Okay I would die for his daughter. “Mommy sent me out here to save you.” Don’t think you were supposed to just say that outloud kiddo but props on a successful mission.

I know Tony too well for this. He’s saying no, because he loves his family. He needs his family. He’s scared to lose his family.

But now this idea is going to itch at the back of his brain aching to be solved.

Come on Tony lets go back to the future and pull off a time heist.

Hulk in glasses and a sweater is was not even on my theory bingo card what is happening. Is this his diner? They had to find him so he’s clearly not working for Nat right now. I have so many questions.

This whole thing with the kids is awkward. 

Come to think of it I have questions about how the infrastructure that is supporting things like cell phone networks is still functioning after the vanishing. Maybe because it’s been five years.

Is Nat flirting with Banner to get him to help?

Tony looking at a picture of Peter he’s got to try.

OH MY GOD HE GOT IT IN ONE EVENING.

EVEN HE LOOKS SURPRISED.

SHIT! 

I’m glad there is laughter in this movie and it’s not entirely heavy. I mean it’s Marvel I should have known.

He calls his daughter Little Miss. And she just extorted a juice pop out of him. I love Dad Tony. 

This is gonna hurt later I just know it. I can feel it in my gut.

“I love you 3000” My heart.

I’m glad that Tony is just going to have a straight up honest conversation with his wife about this.

He’s grown so much.

Oh Pepper, she’s telling him to do it. There’s some unsaid deep communication happening in this conversation. Bless this pair so much. She’s going to let him go and he’s going to go even though his gut his telling him that the road is not going to end well for him.

That’s why he wants to put it in a lock box and drop it to the bottom of a lake.

This is just so damn good so far. No complaints yet.

I kind of love this Hulk. He has no idea what he’s doing here but I love him. He’s like only half taking this seriously.

BAHAHAHA THIS TEST. HE comes back as a baby and Hulk is like “He’ll grow” I mean he’s not wrong but not the right answer buddy.

Another genuinely funny scene. 

“TIME TRAVEL!” With his hulk arms held wide.

Tony is literally speeding in his car there. Cap doesn’t even look that surprised.

Oh this is the Tony and Steve getting back on the same page moment I’ve been waiting for. I love it. I really love it.

HE BROUGHT THE SHIELD.

I love that it was in the trunk buried under kids stuff.

Tony is back and I love it even if I’m scared it’s gonna mean his end.

“Rhodey, careful on reentry theres an idiot in the landing zone.” As if I couldn’t love Nebula more in this movie.

Wait “New Asgard Please Drive Slowly” just threw me for a total loop. Good to know all the Asgardians didn’t actually die in that ship.

VALKYRIE!!!!

She’s like not acknowledging the Raccoon LMFAO

Holy hell what is happening here. Oh man Thor what have you done to yourself.

Actually, I get it. 

Are they playing Fortnite? 

This whole scene is super surreal right now. 

I actually kinda dig it but I did NOT see it coming. This movie has gone places I never would have predicted.

Thor kept strong for so long. He lost so much. He got all the way to the point where he’d done all he could think. He killed Thanos and there was no way to undo all that could be done so he just settled and existed. He drank and played video games with his buddies.

I get it.

Rocket just lured him onto the ship with beer. 

Was good to see Korg and Miek are alive. And there for them in their own ways.

RONIN ALERT.

Oh dude he’s just fucking people up does he even have a bow with him?

Nat waited until there was some way to undo the snap before reaching out to him. She’s just been silently tracking him waiting for a good reason to bring him in. 

In a matter of seconds Tony calls Thor “Lebowski” and Rocket “Ratchet” and I have always lived for his dumbass nicknames. 

Lebowski Thor is officially what I’m referring to this iteration of Thor.

Oh look a classic time travel trope a limit in the number of trips they can make. Makes sense though, Hank Pym was always very protective of how to make the particles so they only have what was made before the Vanishing.

I love the team debating how time travel really works. Listing all the time travel movies. Bill and Ted even snuck into the list. 

Not sure sending Clint back for the test was the best choice this is gonna be rough.

Okay he started to lose it at the end but he made it.

YES brainstorming session this’ll be fun.

Tony’s gentle handling of Thor says a lot. Tony’s been to rock bottom and recognizes the symptoms. At the same time I laughed when he offered breakfast and Thor said no he wanted a Bloody Mary.

ROCKET CALLING SCOTT AN EXCITED PUPPY BAHAHAHA

Nebula is so dramatic I’m here for it. 

Laying all over the desk brainstorming for Nat to finally figure out that there are three stones in one place at one time. This is the content I came for.

TIME HEIST LETS GO.

And just like that its 2012 this is surreal.

LMFAO HULK DOESN’T WANT TO SMASH.

Interesting seeing what the Ancient One was doing during the battle of New York. On a roof defending the sanctum from Chitauri.

OH SHIT SHE JUST PUSHED BANNER’S SOUL OUTA HIS HULK BODY

I didn’t see that coming.

Just a glimpse of Loki. :-(

It was almost cruel to send Thor to Asgard to do this. I mean someone had to go with Rocket, but damn this is tough to watch.

DAMN Rocket smacked him. And also just called Mantis “the chick with the antenna”. Pep talk’s not bad but Thor is crying I don’t think he can do this.

I don’t know why they want to do it that way anyway, Jane would have taken one look at him and known it was the wrong Thor.

Wait… they’re sending Nat and Clint to Vormir… oh God… oh no…

Okay so that’s going to suck in a few minutes lets just put a pin in that.

Nebula you waited a bit to tell Rhodey that there’s another you out there looking for the same infinity stone you’re there to fetch. 

Oh look its like just barely pre-Guardians Gamora, Nebula, and unfortunately Thanos.

I have a bad feeling about this.

OH SHIT I HAVE A VERY BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS.

Turns out two Nebula’s in one place is bad voodoo. She’s seeing video from the other Nebula which means THANOS can see video from the other….

Yeah this is all gonna go bad.

HAHAHA Tony just checked out Steve’s ass. 

AMERICA’S ASS!!!

It’s hard to remember that this shit is going to fall apart when I’m laughing.

Tony just flicked Ant-Man to his target and all I can think about is Gimli an “toss me” from LOTR.

Is Cap about to fuck up a bunch of people in the elevator again?

STEVE YOU SNEAKY BASTARD YOU JUST HAIL HYDRA’D AND STOLE THE SCEPTER.

2012 Time heist is about to hit a hiccup isn’t it. OH MAN they just gave Tony a heart attack.

LOKI NO

I mean yes but no. Loki just nicked the Tesseract and dipped with it. 2012 Loki is just gone.

There’s like timeline repercussions there. Not entirely sure what they are but there will be repercussions.

Cap fighting himself! CAP CHECKING OUT HIS OWN ASS!

Man the Time Heist is so rapid fire there’s too much to absorb.

“I’m totally from the future.” - Lebowski Thor breaking a law of time travel

Thor’s heart to heart with his mom is giving me feels. He needed this.

YES MJOLNIR IS COMING WITH HIM!

Ok it’s never occurred to me how ridiculous Quill would look dancing around without the music. That’s hilarious.

AH SHIT THANOS KNOWS AND HE’S THERE AND THIS IS WHERE IT GOES TO SHIT.

NEBULA </3

It’s so good seeing Steve and Tony back on the same page trusting each other. And clearly completely throwing Scott “Piss-Ant” Lang for a loop. 

I didn’t expect a detour to the 70’s. AAAND that’s his Dad. Tony’s just run into his own father. 

This movie is a roller coaster I’ll tell ya.

This is all mush if you’ve read this far you deserve an award. Or a sticker. One of those.

What a weird decision to have Tony have this whole meet up with his father here. And now Steve is taking refuge in Peggy’s office. Like this is almost mean to do this to these two. 

Why is it the Russo’s never could decide if Steve had gotten over Peggy or not gotten over Peggy. Back and forth and back again. I take it we aren’t going to see the niece at all in this one?

Alright boys lets get the hell out of the 70s this felt like a weird trip without the drugs.

Damn Nebula why is past you such a bitch when I love present you so much. I know I know that’s because you grew and what not but shit I don’t know what you and Thanos are about to do but it’s about to suck.

FUCK I FORGOT ABOUT VORMIR BECAUSE THERE WAS SO MUCH GOING ON

I’m not ready for this. I’m not ready for this. I don’t want either of them to die. This sucks. No No no no onoanfnaondaksldfj;lasdkja;

God we’re going to have to literally watch them fight over which one is going to sacrifice themself.

Here it is, I’m crying now. Me and Barton are just going to cry here in this puddle if you need us. 

They’re all back, except Nat. Which means that’s the wrong damn Nebula and no one notices because NO NAT. Shit. Shit shit.

This movie is going to give me a heart attack.

“Did she have any family?” “Yeah. Us.” :’-(

Okay Thanos like fucked up a whole mining community and shut down a star afterwards to forge a gauntlet to put the stones in and here’s Tony Stark plopping them into like an Iron Man armor piece like its nothing.

Looks sleek too. I dig it.

And they’re all too busy with the glove to notice fucking Nebula. SHIT. 

Man it’s hurting Hulk just to WEAR the damn thing. Thanos was just strolling around wearing it, which doesn’t bode well considering I see Nebula is bringing Thanos here. 

Cool. That’s cool. This is fine. 

How long of a moment of joy are they going to get. Clint’s wife is calling. Birds are singing. Shit is inches from a fan.

THERE’S THE SHIT. HOLY SHIT HE’S BLOWING AVENGERS HQ COMPLETELY OFF THE MAP NOOOOOOO

There’s like a whole hour left. Tell me they all survived that. I was not ready. I WAS NOT READY.

Oh here’s that shot of Hawkeye in the tunnel. Much later in the movie than a lot of those trailer shots. Fascinating. 

So 2014 Thanos is here with his whole crew and there’s a complete gauntlet here. Shit.

Well, they’re all alive. They’re not together entirely but they’re all alive.

Double wielding dad bod Thor just braided his beard with lightning and I’m here for it.

The stakes are at maximum. Now Thanos wants to destroy it all not just half. So failure here can never be undone there won’t be anyone to Avenge anything if he gets the gauntlet this time. That’s not terrifying at all.

Fuck that’s the wrong Nebula. BUT THERE’S THE RIGHT NEBULA WITH GAMORA.

Clint is like in the middle of this stand off like “wtf is happening I should have kept my hands on the glove”

Nebula just killed her own past self. And she didn’t vanish so no Back to the Future rules here for sure.

Damn Thanos is giving the boys a run for their money even without a single stone. 

Shit is Thor gonna die?

HOLY SHIT CAP HAS THE HAMMER AND THE THEATER JUST MIGHT EXPLODE FROM THE SOUNDS OF THE AUDIENCE SCREAMING ABOUT THIS.

Damnit Thanos is calling in the whole army. Cap is like the last one standing on the front line and he’s not backing down because he’s Captain “America’s Ass” America. Thor is down Iron Man is down. The others are trying not to drown. Shit.

OMG ON YOUR LEFT I JUST MIGHT CRY.

HOLY SHIT ITS EVERYONE I’M CRYING. 

PEPPER FUCKING POTTS IS HERE AS RESCUE HOLY SHIT.

TALK ABOUT THE CALVARY RIDING IN AT THE LAST POSSIBLE SECOND HOLY HELL.

HE’S GONNA FUCKING SAY IT

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

It’s a good thing they sound proof these theaters now or you’d hear this across town the audience is going fucking nuts.

There’s too much to touch on all this chaos I’ll hit the highlights because it’s so much.

Pepper and Tony fighting back to back.

Thor and Steve switching weapons, Thor telling him to keep “the little one” aka Mjolnir.

Tony and Peter reuniting and the hug.

Quill seeing Gamora and it’s the wrong Gamora and actually that broke my heart a little bit because his Gamora is gone forever.

Playing hot potato with the gauntlet.

Scarlet Witch fucking Thanos up to the point he panics and starts firing on his own troops to get her off of him.

Spider getting the gauntlet and for the first time ever activating instant kill on purpose.

Peter becoming the hot potato along with the Gauntlet.

OMG ROCKET FOUND GROOT AND HE’S BODILY BLOCKING HIM FROM FIRE MY HEART.

When the ships started firing up my sister elbowed me and legit was like “She’s here.” 

All the women assembling around Captain Marvel!! Even Gamora is with them holy shit!

Damn it the glove is back within his reach and I can’t with this. 

GET HIM CAROL DON’T LET HIM DO IT AGAIN.

She took a headbutt to the face like it was nothing and he panicked like a bitch pulled the power stone and punched her with it. 

OH MY GOD TONY

My sister silently handed me a tissue and I fell the fuck apart.

I never thought in a million years they would have it go this way. Tony snapping. Dusting Thanos and his army. 

I can’t even comment more on this scene I’m too sad. Everything after is too sad. The funeral.

There are infinity stone colored stones in the “proof that Tony Stark has a heart” setting. 

I love you 3000 Tony Stark.

Thor leaving Valkyrie in charge and heading off with the Guardians.

Quill clearly looking for new old Gamora. I doubt she was dusted so she must have just faded away after the battle to do her own thing.

Glad that Nebula is with them though.

I feel a loose beginning set up for the actual Asgardians of the Galaxy.

Bucky said goodbye to Cap like he knew Cap wasn’t going to be back with them in five seconds. He knew.

We’re lucky he didn’t come back as a baby though. ;-)

I mean I’m surprised they went this route with Cap but I’m happy for him.

I’m happy for Sam too. We knew at the end of this the mantel had to get passed and here it is, old man Steve passing the shield to Sam.

I bet that show about “Falcon” and Bucky is really about the new Captain America and Bucky. Just saying.

Steggy shippers rejoice and the cries of a million Stony and Stucky shippers can be heard round the world.

Is that a sentence I just wrote? I never got into MCU shipping stuff personally.

And then all there is at the end is the distant sound of Tony forging that first armor.

A reminder that Tony Stark built all this in a cave.

From a box of scraps.

TONY….

I’ll be mourning Tony for a long while. I was always team Tony.

They did him right tough. His arc was satisfying and RDJ performed beautifully in this one.

My heart aches. They had to give him a daughter. I’m watching my daughter sleep totally not thinking what it would be like for her to lose her father. 

I’m gonna go hug my partner when I’m done with this.

Over all I am happy with Endgame. I mean with time travel they obviously left loose ends all over.

They say they can’t change time and the whole present becoming your past when you go back while the past is your future blah blah blah

But like clearly things are changed. 2012 Loki got the tesseract and escaped

2014 Thanos is no longer in 2014. So the Guardians movies happened but also couldn’t have happened? I dunno it’s confusing.

So basically the MCU has finally caught up with it’s comic book roots of being a confusing jumble timelines. How poetic.

Anyway if you read this you are amazing and feel free to private message me if you want to scream about Avengers Endgame and have no one else to do it with.

I feel better having vented this all out.

[letitrainathousandflames-archive]

(tw: abuse m/, family m/, drug m/, depression m/, suicide m/)

Hi, hello there. I’m Luiza. A lot of people know me from the blog letitrainathousandflames on tumblr (some of you cuties even call me by the nickname letti)

I can’t tell you the whole story of my life, but I can tell you I was a happy kid. I played videogames and I had a tamagotchi and I used to dance to Spice Girls and Avril Lavigne. I was a pretty normal kid until my early teens, when I was touched without my consent. It wasn’t rape. It wasn’t even sexual, in a sense. It was the kind of touching I even allow some people to have on casual nights out at parties. But it wasn’t consensual, and that’s what hurt me the most.

Any girl reading this knows how it is to be harrassed or abused. Shame. Self blame. Feeling tainted. Dirty. That’s why we don’t come forward, that’s why we don’t speak. About a year later, my mother had no respect for my boundaries and read my journal, confronting me about it. When I confirmed what happened to her, her first words weren’t of comfort. Or understanding. Or even justified rage at my abuser. They were the worst thing a thirteen year old girl coming forward with an abuse accusation can hear: That I had imagined it, that it didn’t happen.

I must add that to my mother, family image matters more than anything. Having a daughter who had been sexually abused would tarnish her notion of a perfect family. So her logical conclusion was to lock herself in denial, denying my experience and my need for acceptance, for love, support, understanding.

That same year I became very attracted to the goth aesthetic and got really into metal music and anime. I became intensely obsessed with fiction. Lord of The Rings, Sailor Moon and its worlds became the safe place in my head I could always run to. I began writing fanfiction and drawing a lot, and, being a shy kid since always, I became an even more reserved person. My schoolmates knew nothing about me that I didn’t purposefully share.

My mother wouldn’t let me go out in band tees and spiked bracelets and would force me to wear what she wanted me to. Shed laugh at my clothes and would systematically toss away my black nail polish and lipstick. She wanted a perfect daughter that I just couldn’t be. Mind you, these senseless attacks on my appearance happened even as I had more or less good grades, wouldn’t go out, smoke, never ever step out of line. I was the lamest goody-two shoes you can imagine. It never mattered. Even now I still don’t know how I managed to never snap – I was handling the weight of my past abuse all on my own with no one to share, while under extreme pressure to be someone else other than who I was, wanting to experiment and kiss boys while simultaneously terrified of them because of what had happened.

A year later I got a boyfriend. He was a kind person, but looking back now I see he was very controlling and I’m glad I left that relationship. Still, I’m thankful for his support for me to get a nose ring, a bunch of earrings and to dye my hair neon-red, something I’ve always wanted. It was an odd thing, the contrast of emotions. The joy I felt looking at the mirror and the subsequent sinking feeling in my chest when I got home and my mother said, and I quote “I can’t bear to look at you.”

That stuck with me. Call me a grudgy bitch but I’ll never forget the disgust on her face. Her face. My own mother.

Unimportant, but months later, I was mugged and refused to give the robber my money. I felt a rush in laughing in the face of a potentially deadly situation, and luckily a passerby helped me out so I wasn’t injured, and the mugger fled. A few months after, I came down with a severe depression, of which the primary symptom was me throwing up evertything I tried to eat. I almost died.

Depression is to be dead inside. To be a hollow, lifeless shell walking around in absolute crushing sadness all. Day. Long. I cursed the sun rising in the horizon every morning. I’d rub my feet so hard against each other under the blankets i’d get rashes. I lost a semester at college. And at some point i realized I just wanted to die. I’m a fashion major, I have these huge fabric scissors that i hid away deep in my wardrobe because I was beginning to have fantasies of stabbing myself with them and I was afraid I would actually do it at some point.

At one point, therapy wasn’t doing shit for me and I was taking 8 different kinds of medication, none of which fixed my crying fits and suicidal thoughts I still don’t know how I never acted on those. My mother took advantage of my fragile state and convinced me to dye my hair brown again.

I stopped drawing for good. And art was the light of my existence, i needed it more than air. And it was gone.

When throwing up swithed to eating too much and never feeling full, I gained about 22 pounds and was more dead than alive. I couldn’t feel a thing, and when I did, it was crushing sadness. That was when someone very dear whom I had seen go through addiction and full recover recommended me their therapist. After a lot of sessions we came to the conclusion that, “hey, your mother messed you up good in the head” and, not less importantly “you allowed her to get real deep in your head”.

The next thing she said was “now we fix this. We unrevel this mess and clean your head off concerns that are not yours. You’re harboring her concerns. Your father’s. Your boyfriend’s. Don’t you think it’s time to live for yourself?”

Therapy doesn’t help you back to your feet from crippling depression in a couple of days, okay? I’m making this quick for the sake of storytelling. And, long story short, I slowly went back to drawing. I got a beautiful tattoo to celebrate my recover and the ownership of my body, that I was claiming as mine once and for all. Not my abuser’s. Not my mother’s. Mine. And I dyed my hair again, flaunting it every time my mother wrinkled her nose at it. Spite is the mightiest tool to recovery, my friends. Use it.

A lot of things have changed since then. I got a haircut and even stopped dying my hair out of my own will, I discovered myself as a bisexual, I even came out to some people. I made a ton of friends on tumblr, I got mad obsessed with star wars... Life’s not entirely good, not yet, because I still live with my controlling, abusive and invasive mother. But it’s not bad either. I have fun drawing and writing fanfics. I have good people who care about me. And some people even said I inspired them. That means a whole lot to me!

I don’t really know why I told you all this. I guess I really needed to vent. Perhaps I’ll even regret posting this tomorrow. But it’s my story and I’m not ashamed of it. Right now I’m looking for a job so that I can leave this abusive home for good but so far, nothing. If you can and want to help me out by donating me any amount, just click this link to my ko-fi account.

If you read up to here, thank you, and I’m sorry for talking so much. And if you ever need, don’t hesitate to send me a message. You heard me vent, I’ll hear you vent too.

Stay safe, everyone.

I love you very, very much.

[thedubiousricebowl]

Drunken Rambling

It’s funny how you say I’m free to do whatever I want. Like you’re giving me freedom to run amok, because this whole time this year it’s felt like the complete opposite. Yeah. Today, March 25, is the longest you’ve seen me this whole year, even with all the days before today added up. And it’s true. I’ve been avoiding you guys. Yeah. You’re right, it’s better to ask for help rather than struggling in silence, but I’d rather struggle by myself than see the disappointment. I’m working as much as I can and studying as much as I can, staying away from home as long as I can so that I can feel that progress you don’t think is good enough to be considered progress. I’ve been paying for my own shit, throwing you extra money every week, and staying out your way as much as I can. 

I don’t feel free. Not here, not under your roof. At least not until I’m good enough under your standards. Not until I’ve completely graduated, have an outstanding job, and have a place of my own with no worries. You do just want the best for me. You do say that you’re here for me to ask for advice. But it’s that disappointed gaze I can’t stand. It’s that shadow that I’m always going to be in, because it’s never good enough. Who gives a shit if I’m one of 3 people with a test score of over 100% in my classes? Who cares if I can outrun the cops on a bike? Who’s clapping if I get good yelp reviews from work? Not you. I don’t know what’s enough for you and it doesn’t feel like it’s worth it to try so hard in life anymore.

I’m playing catch up for you. Just to  make you proud. I keep saying my time is running out, and I need to hurry. That’s what I keep saying, but the pressure keeps getting to me. Drugs and riding 100 mph by myself are my vents. I think it’s funny that the things that people say will kill me are what makes me feel more alive than I have this year. I just want to make you happy before I die. Just once. Then I can go, no regrets, just a “finally”. 

I can feel myself slipping. I keep thinking about cutting again. I’ve been cutting again. It’s the only thing that’s been answering recently. I think it’s all because I lost that fucking rock I kept since the last time I tried to kill myself at a beach. I think I called it a “worry stone”. It’s not like I went straight to self mutilation when things got tough. I reached out. It’s really hard to say “help me, I’m in pain” to people than you’d think, so I say “let’s go out to eat, my treat”. Free food is a lot more incentive than helping out a pity case. But even that’s not getting responses, even from friends from high school. Shit, I don’t even get a call back. What does get a response quicker? Alcohol. Alcohol and weed. That and the tingling from a small cut, every time you want to know if you’re numb enough. 

I feel like I’m washed up. Everybody got everything they needed from me already. What’s left? What’ll be missed? Y’know, I tried it again, to see if I can even hold a conversation. Went out to a bar with a friend. The dude had more fun talking to his old coworkers and regulars than he did with me. I just get a “that’s cool man”. I didn’t even say something that was “cool”, I was about to offer a suggestion. 

I think what’s been on my mind the most is finally doing the deed. If I can describe it the best I can, I would say the future just seems so non-existent. Like, you know when you’re nearing the end of a movie, you can’t picture what comes next? Like “this has to be the ending parts of the movie”. That’s me. I try to think of the future, and all I can see is a pistol. That or a knife. Nothing extravagant, just something simple and quiet. Maybe in the morning when everyone’s at work or in a spot overlooking the city at night. 

Thinking about it all, I want to say sorry to a friend. A friend who’s birthday recently passed, where nobody went to her party. I remember seeing the post saying something like “you don’t know how depressing your life is...” . It’s sad when you don’t feel like anybody cares, believe me, I know that as well as anyone. I cared. I’m sorry I didn’t make it. You’re special. You’re great and I wish you a happy birthday today. I.

I really hope nobody feels alone. Or if somebody does, that a good friend will be there for them. Will pick up on the signs and say “hey, you ok? hey, let’s hang out.” Speaking of signs, is it true from the book “Thirteen Reasons Why” that suicidal people throw out signs right before they’re about to die? Like a new haircut, a new appearance change of some kind? If so, I’m throwing out so much like getting another tattoo and gauging my ears. Is it some way to be noticed? Like a last ditch effort to get noticed, to see if anyone will look at them and think “maybe this person is trying to say something?”. It makes sense, but I’m thinking about it on an unconscious level. Like, I’m not consciously stretching the shit out of my ears and getting tatt’d just to say “notice me”. At least, I don’t think so. 

Anyways, if I am trying to ask for help in my own way through tats, gauges, driving faster than I should and taking more drugs than I should, then I think I’ve failed. I’m done trying. Thinking about it, all I got is a “it happens” and “damn, you’re crazy. You know how to party”. Maybe life isn’t always as beautiful as we think it is. As a society, it’s fucking true that we try to look away from the ugly. Say that it was a sad inconvenience. That somebody didn’t make it in time. Fuck that. People show signs all the time of how we’re feeling. Whether it’s an aversion of the eyes when we mention things that we are worrying about to an outright “I don’t feel good enough”. We’re all so fucking focused on ourselves that we don’t pay enough attention to others. It’s hard to ask for help, yet our eyes ask for it all the time. Pay attention to it. Listen to your gut. When you talk to someone who doesn’t seem as cheerful as they usually are, you feel it. You just don’t want to talk about it. Why? Because it’s awkward? Because you don’t want to deal with it? 

That’s how you make people like me. Who are close to giving up. Who find more solace in silence than in opening up. I dreamed up making a movie about this issue. I dreamed of pointing this out the most. To find a way of saying “Fucking Look At People. Feel their pain. Feel their happiness. Feel them for who they are, because everyone’s worth getting to know, love and support”. 

Since this is the internet, I feel like I’d get a lot of verbal abuse if this ever found it’s way on Facebook or Reddit. A bunch of “suck it up pussy” or “waa waa”. That’s why I’m happy I’m behind a screen. In the end, the world is a dark place. Barely anybody cares and one more dead body is just another square of space in the Obituary if anybody reads newspapers anymore. I’m done trying. People who try to reach out at the last second are just liars and hypocrites. You know why? Because those people are the ones that have usually been reached out to first. 

[alyzu]

Feeling Down

Hi Everyone!  I’m writing this here because I think some of you may be able to understand.  This will be a long post, and not a very happy one, so please feel free to keep scrolling.  :) As you are probably aware, I went to SF Comic Con yesterday and was fortunate enough to meet and take a photo with Peter Capaldi.  He is as lovely and generous as everyone says he is. I have admired his work for a long time.  And that of Elaine Collins.  It started when I saw “Franz Kafka’s It’s A Wonderful Life” back in 1995.  I literally sat staring at the screen for 20 minutes after it finished, thinking about it and wanting to create Something Like That. Fast forward a few years:  Both of my kids were very young, and both were diagnosed with autism.  We were living in L.A at the time, and I was suffering from burnout.  I’d been doing shows in small theaters (with a couple of large ones thrown in), and teaching.  I couldn’t get an agent or a manager, and my earnings were small.  Hubby was working a lot more and making more money, so we decided, together, that I would stay home and take care of the kids. I figured my acting career was over.  And, truthfully, I’d had a pretty good run.  I got to play a lot of classic roles, had done some tours, and met & worked with fantastic people. And, for a long time, I didn’t miss it.  I think that’s partly due to exhaustion: When you are raising two toddlers and your husband is often out of town and you have no help, you’re gonna be in bed by 8:30 PM.  That lifestyle doesn’t really lend itself to a Life in the Theatuh!  Add to that days filled with various therapies, both at home and elsewhere, and you’ve got One Tired Mama.

In 2006 we left Los Angeles for the Bay Area.  Suddenly I had more time to myself.  We have family here, Hubby was (and is) working nearby, and the kids were in school part of the day, and in-home therapy (which did NOT include me!) for the rest.  I started getting out more.  I started teaching Pilates.  Then I started teaching drama again. I also did a few staged readings.  And guess what?  I got bitten by the acting bug once more.

And yet I still hesitated.  In part because I had put on a bunch of weight since the move.  And Hollywood had done a number on my (admittedly already frail) body image.  Also, having lost my dad to cancer in 2008, I wasn’t in a place to put myself out there again. In 2014 I joined Weight Watchers.  I lost all the weight I’d gained, and then some.  I also had a stye removed from my eye, got a different haircut than the one I’d been sporting for years, and made my first trip to London since 1991.  A solo trip.  And, truthfully, my first real vacation in nearly 15 years.  I was starting to feel like a had more of an identity than just Mom, for the first time in a very long time. This was also Peter Capaldi’s first season as the Doctor.  His work continued to amaze and inspire.  Even more so as time went on. And then we FINALLY got to see “Shetland” in the States.  What an amazing show that is!  I listened to a BBC Radio interview with Elaine Collins, and, again, was just blown away.   So, about a year ago, I decided it was time.  I updated my resume and got new headshots (the 8x10 photos actors use to send with their resumes attached for auditions), and ended up getting cast in a show which played this past June/July.  And much of the impetus for all of it was Peter and Elaine’s brilliance.

So when I was standing in line yesterday, waiting for  my turn to take a photo with Peter, I was rehearsing what I wanted to say.  But there were literally hundreds of people in that line, and he had already done a panel and 2 autograph sessions, with another photo op to come later.  So the folks in charge were pushing us through pretty quickly.  Understandably so.

When it was my turn, I choked.  I’d like to blame it on a combination of nerves, excitement, and too much caffeine, but the truth is, it was just Me.  I have always been socially awkward.  I thought, at the age of 48, that I was getting better.  But I’m not. So here’s how it went: He greeted me with a hello and a big smile, and put his arm around me. Me: I just want to thank you and your wife for inspiring me for over 20 years. Peter: How have we done that? Me: I’m an actor.  ( He is now looking at me as if urging me to go on. My brain is telling me to say more, but I freeze.) Then it was time to take the picture.  Which came out quite well! I turn to thank him, and he continues our previous conversation. Peter: Oh good!  At least something is working! This makes me laugh, and I smile and thank him as I leave.  He has made a joke and saved our awkward situation. I will be forever grateful. So, I’m guessing that he meets off-kilter people quite often.  Perhaps it doesn’t phase him.  He may have forgotten all about it. But I have been obsessing over it since.   I waited years to meet him and to tell him how much his work has meant to me, and I blew it.

I am frustrated, angry at myself, sad, and humiliated.  And I brought it all on myself.  Chances are, I won’t HAVE another chance.  Or, if I do, I’ll be too embarrassed to take it.

It hit me this morning that, for a while now, I have been feeling like a complete f#*k-up, and all of this has only reinforced that feeling.  

I have battled anxiety and depression all of my life, and today has been a doozy.

Writing it all down has helped a lot, though.  So if you’re still reading, thank you.  

If you’ve scrolled past, no worries!  :)

Thanks for letting me vent!

[just-kateblr]

I was tagged by @my-wanton-self

1. What’s your biggest pet peeve? Willful ignorance and people who are purposefully inconsiderate.  (They’re related, I suppose, but can manifest differently.)

2. What one fear would you like to conquer?  Currently, my biggest that I would like to conquer is openly presenting myself as female to the world. 

3. What’s your favourite song lyric and why? There are quite a few it’s hard to pick just one.  The one I’ll go with is from Sweet Jane from the Velvet Underground: Some people they like to go out dancin’/ and other people they have to work. Just watch me now/ and there's even some evil mothers/ Well there gonna tell you that everthing is just dirt/ you know that women never really faint/ and that villians always blink their eyes/ that children are the only ones who blush/and that life is just to die/ But anyone who ever had a heart/ they wouldn't turn around and break it/ and anyone who ever played a part / They wouldn't turn around and hate it.  Why do I like it?  I think it kind of speaks for itself.

4. If you could shop at one store for free, which would it be?  I would have to flip a coin between Nordstrom or Costco.

5. Which language would you like to speak fluently? Spanish.

6. What secret super power would you like to have, and why? Shapeshifting. You could get into just about anywhere.

7. Would you like to be famous and what would you like to be known for? I have no desire to be famous.

8. What was the worst haircut you ever had? A long time ago, I moved to Northern Virginia and needed a haircut.  I went to a barbershop that apparently specialized in military cuts and while I just asked for a trim, he got out clippers and after the first pass, I knew I was in trouble. I ended up with something pretty close to a high and tight.  It was awful. 

9. What are the most important qualities in friends? Honesty, intelligence, the willingness to share thoughts and opinions, good sense of humor, empathy, and a desire to make things better somehow.  I love having a common understanding and, at the same time, being able to challenge and be challenged.

10. What’s the most significant lesson you’ve learned in life so far?  People’s needs will not always match your own; it’s what they do at that point that is important.  Also, sometimes life is shitty, but it generally improves eventually.  Maybe not in the way you thought, but you’ll find that it’s no longer shitty.  (Yes, I know, that’s technically two. I’m lousy at following the rules.)

11. What makes you laugh the hardest? My daughters. They’re just plain funny.

12. What’s your proudest accomplishment? That’s a hard one because I tend not to look back too much. Plus, much of what I’ve accomplished has also been because other people have played along, so I can’t take full credit.

13. If you could have any view out the window of your room, which would it be?  The ocean. I grew up near the water and am now in the middle of the US.  I would love to be near a large body of water.  

14. If you could eat dinner with one celebrity, who would it be, and why? I can’t say that he’s a celebrity, but Barack Obama is certainly famous and would be an amazing dinner companion.  I’d probably want to have a ranging conversation about policy, his life, and experiences as President.  Plus, for bonus points, I’d try to get him to open up and vent about how he really feels about Trump.

15. If you could do something dangerous just once with no risk, what would you do?  I can’t think of much, I’ve already done a number of things that people consider dangerous.  I think removing the fear of danger would take away the adrenaline and most of the fun.

16. What’s your all-time favourite music video? Undercover of the Night by The Rolling Stones. It’s a great video; almost like a short film.

17. Which three words would you use to describe yourself? Smart, funny, empathetic.

18. What’s the first thing you’d do if you suddenly changed into the opposite sex? As a trans woman, I’m going to write my own rules here.  I am a woman, but if I suddenly had the body of a cis woman, I’d explore my tits and bits, then masturbate like there was no tomorrow. 

19. What’s your favourite website, and why?  I have eclectic tastes and moods, so it varies by the minute and the hour.  I love all of the information and places that I can go with the internet. 

20. If you got a tattoo, what would you get and where would you put it? I cannot think of one thing I would want on my skin forever.  If I had to choose, I might either get “Be Here Now” in a nice font on my wrist OR a butterfly on my shoulder for the symbolism. 

21. When you’re down, what do you do to feel better? I try not to wallow too long and look to do something to change the channel. That usually involves moving my body in some way or another.  I also reach out to dear friends for conversation and engagement.

22. If you could go on tour with a band for a month, who would it be, and why? Not my thing.

23. What’s you favourite dessert? I have a weakness for cannolis. Good ones, though.  The kind where the outside is freshly baked and then filled immediately before serving, so you have the mix of the crunch and the softness.  Divine! 

24. What one thing would you want to do most if you had all the money in the world? Ensure that money was not a barrier to anyone seeking further education.

25. Who’s the least obvious person you’d like to kiss? Least obvious? Maybe Sam Rockwell. There is something about him that I find strangely sexy. 

26. Would you join in at a topless beach? At this point, if I had a nice set of boobs, I would happily share them at a topless beach.

27. Where would you most like to travel?  I have too many choices to list here.  I would travel almost incessantly if I could.  I’ve not yet been to South America, Africa, or Antarctica, so those would be on the top of my list.  

28. What would you eat for your ultimate birthday dinner?  I tend to like food that is good and fresh.  I’d start with a fresh salad, with bleu cheese and bacon.  Grilled filet mignon. Very fresh corn on the cob.  Freshly baked bread with a nice crunchy crust.  Roasted brussel sprouts.  Good cannoli for dessert.

29. What was your most embarrassing moment? Eh, if you really want to know, hit me up in chat. It’s a bit of a story that involves Chinese food and getting sick in a work colleague’s hotel room.  It was mortifying when it happened, but it’s pretty darned funny.

30. What historical sporting event would you like to witness? In person, I’d love to the 1999 Men’s NCAA Basketball Championship.  My alma mater, the University of Connecticut, was the underdog and upset heavily favored Duke for their first national championship.  It was great to watch on TV, but it would be amazing to see in person. 

31. Which song evokes the strongest memories for you? Missing You - John Waite

32. What’s the best birthday celebration you can imagine? I don’t ever want a huge celebration, I’d love to have a bunch of close friends around where we can talk, drink, eat, laugh, and generally just enjoy everyone’s company.

33. What’s your favourite ethnic food? Mexican.

34. Do you have any habits you’d like to give up?  Procrastination.

35. What would you save first if your house caught on fire? Children, spouse, then pets.

36. Who would you trade places with for one month?  I’m not picky, and this might sound shallow, but I’d trade places with an able bodied cis woman who is considered above average in appearance. In other words, I’d love to see what it was like to live as an unequivocally gorgeous woman. 

37. What’s the story behind your first name? I had the joy of being able to select one for myself, which ended up being harder than I thought.  I like what I landed on, though.

38. What’s been the biggest obstacle in your life so far?  I don’t like the word obstacle.  I take it to mean a barrier that blocks things.  While I have had plenty of challenges, I try to not let those things block me.  My hope is to always move forward, even if it is slowly. No question, my biggest challenge is being trans. 

39. Have you ever stolen something? What was it? Why did you steal it? Ugh, yes.  I was traveling in Australia some years ago and I noticed a wallet sitting on some phone books at the post office. I looked inside and there was a couple hundred dollars in it.  I left it sitting there and went to make my call, but kept my eye on it.  Someone else from the hostel I was staying in walked in, saw the wallet, and then we locked eyes.  I indicated that I didn’t know whose it was and he reached in an pulled out the cash.  I figured, if it was going to be stolen, I was going to benefit from it (I was low on cash at the time).  We walked around the corner, he split the money with me and we went our separate ways.  I still regret doing this and wish that I had picked up the wallet when I first saw it and turned it in.

40. To you, what’s the secret to happiness? I believe happiness is really just enjoying life’s simple and pleasurable moments.  We’ve got so much that goes on that has peaks and valleys of emotion and it is important to feel those, for the good and the bad.  It is the small moments that are the glue to our lives, though.  A laugh with a friend.  Warm sunshine on your skin on a cool day.  The smell of salt air.  To me, it’s enjoying those moments that are what make for happiness and joy.

Please do not feel compelled to do this, but I’m going to tag a few people whom I would love to see their responses.  I tag @mymindisdrawinga, @annacaffeina, @perfectlyscrumptious, @perfectlywhelmed, @visionaria, @tumbleweedsinmyvagina, @ptero-bites, @misslondoncallin, @vampysquid, and I started thinking this list was getting long, so I stopped, but please feel free to respond away if you are taken with the idea.

[trickyy213-blog]

HxH Headcanons

Continuation of this post

 -Kurapika is a pretty good cook, but can’t do anything overly complicated unless it’s a Kurta dish.

 -Kurapika is terrified of Santa Claus, someone who breaks into your house and leaves a bunch of packages? Who does that?

 -Leorio can sleep anywhere, anytime. On the couch? Yup. In the car? Ya. Standing up in the subway? You bet.

 -Leorio will use his height to his advantage any time he can and Kurapika hates it…sometimes.

 -Leorio loves picking Kurapika up bridal-style because it makes him feel so big and strong and he feels like he can protect his lil kboi no matter what like that.

 -Kurapika won’t admit it, but he likes it too.

 -Kurapika is an absolutely terrible driver and the two will race to the keys in the morning to see who gets to drive. Leorio usually wins, but the few times Kurapika did…they had to pay a lot of city fines.

 -Kurapika and Killua will often have little chats, venting about their problems to one another because they know the other can handle it and Kurapika is a total mom and likes listening and trying to help him through rough patches.

 -Killua called Kurapika mom by accident once and kinda never stopped, though he’ll never admit he truly loves him as a mom.

 -Killua may have been the first to call Pika mom, but Alluka was the first to outright admit she prefers him to be their mother and asked his permission to call him such.

 -Kurapika cried after that.

 -Leorio also cried after Alluka called him Daddy-Leorio.

 -These two love their precious children and god forbid you hurt one.

 -Killua almost punched a man in the nose for bumping into Alluka and knocking her over, poor cinnamon roll had to keep her precious bother from killing him. Kurapika thought Killua was in the right.

 -Gon liked to sneak Alluka little gifts here and there, he even got the rest to join in, just leaving little presents in her room or on the table where she’d find them.

 -It’s now become a usual thing, leaving each other gifts around to house, printing out the name cards so they couldn’t tell who gave them it.

 -Kurapika is the one to buy really expensive things, like designer clothing and jewelry or top-notch things.

 -Kurapika’s first pet in his domestic life was a chicken named Lusko. Everyone hated it except him and it followed him around constantly. It was one of the few animals that Gon couldn’t really bond with. It died when a car ran it over after Leorio left the door open. Kurapika wouldn’t speak to him for about a month.

 -Leorio’s choice pet was a dog, but was gifted with a tiny goldfish by Alluka when she won it at a carnival in his hometown. It’s miraculously survived to this day, mainly because Killua picked up the work of taking care of it because he noticed how much Alluka loved it. They named it Butterfly because she said his colors looked like a monarch.

 -Gon wanted to get Kurapika another chicken and bought a huge egg, because the bigger the chicken the better, right?- it turned out to be a Luskobird egg and Kurapika covered it in heating blankets and watched over it day and night until it hatched.

 -He named it Lusko Junior in memory of his chicken and the others were in utter shock to see it had grown to about Gon’s height within a month and then taller than Leorio within 3 months of it hatching. Kurapika explained that the Lusko Province was a very dangerous place with a lot of predators, so they need to grow fast or they’d get killed immediately.

 -Kurapika rides Junior everywhere, even to do simple errands since Leorio won’t let him use the car anymore.

 -Gon discovered one horrid day that Junior loved the color green after he tried eating his shorts right off him.

 -Alluka once kissed Gon’s cheek after she found him hiding a present for her and Killua saw and was entirely too jealous. What about him? Wasn’t he her favorite brother?? Rude!

 -Gon gave Killua a kiss on the cheek in return, earning a blushing mess that could only squeak out “oMG, Gon that’s gay!” to which he replied, “I know.”- causing poor kitten to pass out.

 -Gon and Killua hold hands all the time. Whether it be walking down the street or just sitting on the couch, if a hand is free, they’ll hold it.

 -Alluka will squeeze her way in and usually hold whoever’s hand isn’t occupied.

 -Kurapika gets jealous super easily. He’s usually quiet about it because he trusts Leorio, but if he sees someone get a little too touchy or flirty and he is all over it. “The fuk you think u doin m8, I killed fiddy men. Bring it!”

 -When visiting Leorio’s family, it was his mom who found out first about Alluka being trans and made her a bunch of dresses and skirts. The girls gave her a proper haircut and they did each other’s makeup all night and Killua was almost in tears, because my baby sister’s so precious and cute and omg why is she so precious, I loves her so much.

 -Since Alluka is really shy around other kids her age and her and Killua haven’t really had any real kid experiences, Gon likes to take them around town every weekend and take them on “dates”.

 -Kurapika can’t figure out phone apps for the life of him, he doesn’t bother downloading them, he just uses it to call, and forget texting, it took months to figure out what “lol” meant.

 -Leorio has to steer Pika away from any farm or market because he knows they’ll be there for hours petting and playing with chickens otherwise.

 -They got Alluka a kitten for her birthday and they named him fluffy despite him being a sphynx.

 -He ate Butterfly and Leorio cried for hours.

 -The cat follows Kurapika around constantly and he and Junior take naps together.

 -Kurapika wakes up to naked cat on his face daily.