#usually through October November I’d get a bit better but yeah

[what-the-fuck-khr]

every time I breathe through my nose sometimes one of my nostrils hurts like shit and then my eye/s hurt at the same time Google says sinusitis is it right or is it smth else bc (if it’s important: yes I get hay fever and we’re three weeks into spring in Australia; counter to this is that this happens outside of spring as well lol it’s a yearly occurrence)

[nerdzzone]

Only For A Moment: November [part two]

Summary: A series of shorter one shots from Chris and Whitney’s life together throughout the pandemic. Some happy times, some harder times, some fluff and some things a little more sexy - they work through it all as they try to get settled in their new and blossoming relationship.

Chris Evans x OFC

18+

Part of the Once Bitten/More Hearts series

Only For A Moment: October + November [part one]

Note: Life is very hectic at the moment so this was edited quite quickly. I think I caught all the mistakes, but I’m sorry if there’s any accidentally left in.

______

The photo shoot the next day went amazingly well. After being out of work for almost ten months, it took me a little while to get back into the swing of it, but I hit my stride quickly once I'd settled in. It helped that I was working with people who made my job almost effortless. Sebastian and Anthony had such good chemistry and were so good at what they do that we got through the day with no hiccups and I had more than enough photos to give Marvel what they'd asked for ten times over.

When I got back to the hotel room, I was in a great mood and it was made even better by the surprise for Chris that I had with me.

"Chris?" I called out as I walked into our large suite. "I'm back!"

He lifted an arm to wave from where he was sitting on the couch, his attention still fixed on the football game that was on the TV.

"How was the shoot?" He asked. "How are Mackie and Seb?"

I smiled, knowing he was about to be very excited as I answered him.

"Why don't you ask them yourself?"

That question got his attention and his head shot around to see what I was talking about. As his eyes landed on the two men standing behind me, a grin burst onto his face.

"No way!" He laughed as he leapt up to join us. "Hey, guys!"

All of us - Chris included - had been tested several times over the last few days to make sure that we were all virus free. There was obviously a small chance that one of us could have picked it up some time after one of the many negative results, but I was fairly confident that was pretty unlikely as we'd all been as careful as possible so I'd invited them over for a few drinks. Our hotel room was big enough for us to all keep our distance anyway and I knew that Chris would appreciate the chance to catch up with his friends.

They both greeted Chris before Anthony looked around the room.

"This place is nice!" He observed. "Marvel must love you, you could fit my room in here at least three times!"

"It's not Marvel who loves me," I smirked. "It's Chris - he upgraded our room."

There was a goofy grin on Chris' face as our two guests 'aww'd' in tandem.

"That was too cheesy," Anthony teased. "But man, don't you love me too? Where's my upgrade?"

"I'll get you next time," Chris laughed. "But to be honest, I thought you'd be staying with Sebastian now that you two are a power couple."

Sebastian snorted out a laugh, but Anthony nodded his head.

"I know, man! That's what I said, but Sebastian still won't tell me where he lives!"

"Because you're so obsessed with my couch that I'm worried you'll steal it!"

"Shouldn't buy yourself a five thousand dollar couch if you don't want people to talk about it," Anthony joked, making Sebastian roll his eyes.

"It didn't cost anywhere near that much money. You've never even seen it, I don't know where you got all these ideas from."

"When are you two getting married?" I interrupted with a smirk on my face as they both turned to look at me, their confusion clear. "Sorry, you've just been bickering like an old married couple all day. I was wondering when you were going to make it official."

"That's what we should be asking you two!" Anthony turned it around. "When did this happen anyway?"

"April," Chris answered, sliding his arm around my waist to pull me close. "After a month trapped in a house with me with no other options, she was finally desperate enough to give me a chance."

"That is not what happened," I laughed. "It was more just the fact that being trapped in a house together made us finally have some tough conversations that we'd never had the guts to have before."

"Well, I'm happy for you," Anthony grinned. "And some people owe me some money because I knew you'd get together eventually."

"Wait, you were betting on us?" Chris asked. "With who?"

"Not me," Sebastian was quick to interject, but Anthony just shrugged.

"There was a bunch of us in on it," he admitted. "Downey, Pratt, Renner, Hemsworth, Paul Rudd, Lizzie Olsen, and I think even the Russos. Someone was keeping track of it, I'll have to make some phone calls."

"I don't even want to hear about this," I laughed, shaking my head. I wasn't at all surprised, they were a tight crew and there was plenty of downtime on set for them to get up to all kinds of antics, but I had no desire to hear who was betting on our situation. "So, shall we have some drinks? What does everyone want? I figured we could just order from room service."

After a brief discussion on the matter, we ordered several beers for the men and a bottle of wine for me. It arrived with impressive speed - no doubt a perk of being with a group of celebrities in a penthouse suite - and we all settled around the living room, trying our best to keep some distance between us.

We chatted and caught up, discussing what we'd done to keep ourselves busy through lockdown and when things might start to be more normal - the usual pandemic conversations. The boys were just delving into some sports discussions that were totally lost on me when I received a message from Lisa saying that Grayson was having a bit of a moment and asked if I was able to call. It broke my heart to think of him missing us so I excused myself and did as she asked.

He was crying when she passed him the phone and I felt awful, immediately filled with guilt that we’d selfishly decided to stay in New York for the whole weekend. We would have arrived home quite late if we left right after the shoot, but as I couldn't remember the last time that he’d stayed overnight with someone other than Chris or I, it suddenly seemed cruel to have left him for so long.

He was in bed already, but unable to fall asleep so I chatted with him for a bit before singing him the lullaby that I'd been singing to him since he was born. It worked like a charm and once he was out, Lisa took the phone back.

"Is he doing okay?" I asked, fighting back tears of my own. "Has he been like this all day?"

"No, no, of course not!" She assured me. "He's been totally fine, we've had a great time. He just got a bit weepy as I was tucking him in."

"I'm glad he's been having fun," I sniffled. "I hate to think of him being upset."

"He's just fine, sweetheart," she insisted. "This will be good for all of you. It's good for him to get used to being away from you two and it must be nice for you two to have a break."

"It is," I admitted. "It just feels selfish when he's upset like that."

"Well, sometimes even us moms need to be a little selfish," Lisa laughed. "And selfishly on my part, it's been wonderful having him here."

I smiled, knowing she had been quite excited about their little sleepover.

"We really appreciate you taking him."

"It's absolutely my pleasure. Now, I'll let you get back to whatever you were doing and I will see you tomorrow."

"Thanks, Lisa. I'll message you when we're heading out so you know when to expect us."

She assured me that they'd be home whenever we arrived and we said our goodbyes before I headed back out to the living room.

"Everything okay?" Chris asked as soon as I sat down.

"Yeah, for the most part," I sighed. "Grayson just got a bit upset at bedtime, I guess. He was crying and wanted to talk to me, but he's fine now."

Sensing I was feeling a bit emotional about it, Chris reached out and squeezed my hand as Anthony spoke.

"I was hoping you'd bring the little man with you. How's he doing?"

I smiled as a grin burst onto Chris' face. He went into a long, somewhat boastful explanation of just how good Grayson was doing, informing them of his extensive dinosaur knowledge and his impressive skills on his bike. It was heartwarming to hear the pride in his voice as he spoke and it was even nicer to see Sebastian and Anthony's genuine interest in hearing about him.

"They grow so damn fast, don't they?" Anthony commented. "One day they can hardly move and then suddenly they're practically BMX champions."

"Oh, no," I shook my head. "It took a good five months for me to allow him to take his training wheels off. He won't be BMX-ing any time soon."

"Well, I hear things are always scarier with the first one," Sebastian pointed out. "Maybe your next one can be the extreme sports star."

"Yeah, that's a good point," Anthony agreed. "When are you having another?"

I tossed back my last sip of wine before letting out a laugh at that question and side-eyeing Chris as I poured myself another glass.

"Did Chris pay you to ask me that?"

"No!" Anthony laughed. "But it's been, what? Four years? Seems like it's about time for another."

Chris snickered as he took a swig from the bottle of beer he was drinking, clearly feeling validated by Anthony's comments, but I just shook my head.

"We've been together for less than a year," I reminded them. "That's hardly long enough to start thinking about another baby."

"Sure, it is," Anthony shrugged. "Maybe not if the relationship is brand new, but you already have one kid, what's the harm in throwing another in the mix?"

"And we already know that we can work together as parents through complicated situations."

I shot Chris a look after his interjection because I really didn't think his friends needed to be involved in a discussion like this, but Sebastian chimed in as the voice of reason.

"It's more complicated than that though, isn't it?" He asked. "Babies are stressful and can ruin a relationship if you're not ready for it."

"Exactly! Thank you, Seb."

"What does he know?" Anthony teased. "He's never had a baby."

I rolled my eyes as I sipped my drink, trying to ignore Chris' smug face.

"If you're such a big fan of the idea, Anthony, why don't you have more kids?"

"More? I already have four!" He laughed. "That's more than enough. Hell, after being in lockdown with them, you could have one of mine if you're not ready to have another of your own."

"I think we're good with one right now," I insisted with a smile. "At least until we see where this whole pandemic thing ends."

"Alright, alright, that's fair," Anthony relented. "But just remember when the time comes, Anthony is a solid name. Or even Antonia for a girl."

"Actually," I smirked. "I do quite like the name Sebastian."

Sebastian barked out a laugh over Anthony's protests as Chris came up with a compromise.

"Sebastian Anthony Evans?" He suggested.

"Can you imagine?" I giggled. "Your fans would lose their minds. You'd have to raise him together, you could make a reality show out of it."

"That's a money making opportunity right there," Anthony grinned. "You just let me know when you need me to show up."

"As entertaining as that sounds, it won't be any time soon," I insisted before changing the subject. "What about you, Sebastian? How's your love life going? Any babies on the horizon?"

His cheeks instantly tinged pink at the attention being flipped onto him as he answered the question and Anthony’s teasing shifted to him.

-

About an hour later, after our guests left, I found myself stretched out on the couch with my head in Chris' lap as he ran his fingers through my hair. It felt so good that I was resisting the urge to purr like a happy cat when Chris distracted me with a question.

"How was the shoot?" He asked. "I just realized that I never got an answer."

"It was great," I smiled up at him. "It felt weird at first after being away for so long, but Sebastian and Anthony are such goofs. It helped me relax and get back into it."

I felt his body shake as he chuckled, no doubt knowing his friends well enough to imagine the antics they got up to.

"I'm glad it went well. Maybe now there's more projects starting up, you'll start getting more job offers again and you won't have to go so long without doing it."

"Oh, I've had plenty of job offers," I admitted. "But most of them I'd have to travel for or they just seem too risky."

Chris was clearly surprised by that confession as I hadn't mentioned any of the proposals I'd received to him, but it didn't seem important when I'd never even considered taking any of the jobs.

"Why didn't you tell me about it?" He asked. "We could have worked something out and made it happen."

"Because I didn't want to accept any of the offers," I assured him. "I don't feel super comfortable flying around the country right now and most of them had pretty half-assed safety protocols in place. This was the first one that was close by and had a clear and thorough safety plan. Marvel wanted me for Wandavision too, but I would’ve had to go to L.A. and I didn't feel great about that."

Chris frowned, his fingers pausing momentarily in my hair as he mulled over my answer.

"I get it, that's solid reasoning," he nodded. "But I'm sorry you've had to make decisions like that. I know you love what you do."

"So do you," I shrugged. "So do a lot of people who are currently out of work. I've got it pretty good, I try to focus on that."

"Sure, but that doesn't mean you aren't allowed to miss things too," Chris insisted before letting out a sigh. "Do you ever worry that things won't ever get back to normal?"

As I looked up at him and saw the melancholy look on his face, I felt a wave of vulnerability wash over me.

"Not really," I admitted. "I worry more about what will happen when they do..."

"Oh?" Chris raised an eyebrow. "How come?"

"Well, don't get me wrong, I don't want anyone to get sick anymore and I don't want any more people to die. I want to see my family again and meet my nephew and I want Grayson to be able to go to school and make friends," I prefaced my statement. "But for us, it's been really nice. We've been able to figure each other out and build our relationship without anything else interfering and I just worry that when things go back to normal, it won't work."

The hurt that flashed across Chris' face made my chest tighten. I hadn't meant to upset him, but it was foolish of me to think that my doubts wouldn't be hard to hear.

"You don't think we'll stay together when the lockdowns are all done?"

"No, that's not what I meant!"

"Well, that's what you said..."

"I said it was something I worry about," I clarified. "And I do. It'll be a lot harder when we're both working again."

"It's one thing to think it'll be harder," Chris scowled. "It's another to think we can't make it work. Are you planning on running at the first sign of trouble?"

Feeling the panic bubbling inside me, I pulled my head out of Chris' lap and sat up so I was facing him. I did want to run away in that moment - his harsh tone hurting my feelings and making my defences bubble to the surface - but I reminded myself of how avoiding our problems had worked for us in the past and tried to stay calm and explain myself.

"I'm not going to run away, Chris," I assured him. "And I don't really appreciate the way you're speaking to me right now. You asked a question and I explained my feelings, but instead of wanting to talk through that, you're immediately getting upset. I'm allowed to have concerns and all you're doing right now is making them worse."

Despite my frustrations, I kept my voice calm as I spoke and it seemed to have the desired effect as the tension in Chris' body eased slightly.

"Sorry, you're right," he sighed. "I just thought we've been doing so well, I'm surprised that you still have doubts."

"We're just living in such a bubble right now," I pointed out. "When everything goes back to normal and we're both back at work more, we'll be so busy. Balancing that with making sure Grayson gets enough of our attention, it might not leave much time for us and that would strain any relationship."

"It'll be more of a challenge than it is now," Chris agreed, his words spoken cautiously as if they were carefully chosen. "But most parents struggle with balancing their relationship with time spent with their kids. We'll just have to make the effort."

"But we have more to cope with than most parents."

He looked skeptical of that claim.

"How so?"

"Well, you'll be away a lot once you start filming things again," I reminded him, knowing that his next project had plans to film in L.A. and Europe. "And you'll be surrounded by beautiful, smart, talented women who I pale in comparison to."

"That’s not true, but regardless, I won't even look at them twice." His voice was firm and for a moment I worried that he was annoyed again, but as he took my hand in his and lifted his eyes to meet mine, he just seemed sincere. "I love you, Whitney. I only want to be with you."

"I know, I do, I know that. I love you too and I trust you, but I guess it just still feels like you being in love with me is too good to be true."

"I don't think that you do know," Chris insisted. "I'm completely committed to you. I know it's only been a few months, but it's been some of the best months of my life. What we've been doing - you, me and Grayson just hangin’ out and being a family - it's what I've been dreaming of since he was born, it's what I've always wanted. I can't imagine a future without you in it, I don't even want to think about it. I love you and I love the life we're building together."

I felt my eyes grow glassy as he spoke, my heart melting at his words.

"Wow," I murmured quietly. It was a lame response to such heartfelt words, but I was trying to process everything he’d said and, after a moment of staring into his beautiful eyes, I choked out a laugh. "That almost sounded like a proposal."

Chris chuckled and nodded his head.

"I know. Even I wondered where I was going with that for a minute there," he admitted. "It wasn't, but it's all true. I'm in this for as long as you'll have me."

He lifted my hand up to place a kiss on my knuckles and I suddenly felt ridiculous for having any doubts.

"I feel the same," I assured him. "I really do. I don't want you to think that I'm not as invested in this as you are. I just like how things are now and thinking about it changing scares me."

"It'll be different, but we can make it work."

I smiled and crawled into his laps, letting my knees rest on either side of his thighs.

"I guess I've just been spoiled these last few months," I mused, pressing a soft kiss on his lips. "I don't want to share you with the world, I want you all to myself."

Chris chuckled as our foreheads rested against each other.

"You really are clingy," he teased. "I always thought I'd be the needy one in this relationship."

"Shut up," I giggled, pressing our lips briefly together again. "And for the record, all those sweet, wonderful things you just said aren't getting you any closer to convincing me we should have another baby yet."

Chris' head fell backwards as a laugh burst from his chest.

"Alright, alright, well, it was worth a shot," he smirked. "But seriously, that's how confident I am in us. It wouldn’t even scare me if we did because I know we can handle it."

I smiled even though I probably didn't share quite that much confidence in our future. I wouldn't bet against us, but I wasn't ready to bring a baby into a situation that might not be such smooth sailing in a few months.

"We have to think about Grayson too though," I pointed out. "He's had a lot to deal with the last few months, a lot of big changes. Throwing a sibling at him on top of everything else might be a little bit cruel."

"That's true," Chris relented, looking a bit defeated for a moment until a smile slid onto his face. "He'll be such a good big brother though. He'll be so excited to teach him everything he knows."

"Him?" I questioned, raising an eyebrow. "We're going to have another boy, are we?"

"Him or her," Chris shrugged. "I'd be happy either way."

I couldn't help, but smile at his enthusiasm. It was a nice thought even if it was clearly a more distant fantasy for me than it was for Chris.

"One day," I assured him. "I love you, Chris."

"I love you too."

With a strength that never ceased to amaze me, he then stood from the couch, lifting me up with him. I wrapped my legs around his waist, giggling at the impressive feat as he carried me to our bedroom where we spent the rest of the night showing some physical appreciation and love for each other.

-

December

Tags:  @maggotzombie @moonlacebeam @mizzzpink @zaylaugh @flowery-mess @flowerjewels @njrronaldo7 @hockeychick10 @partypoison00 @theladybiers @sidepieces @firoozehmoon @patzammit @sparkledfirecracker @mytbel0st @chvntelle-99 @mjey12

[doctenwho]

Ten’s First (real) Halloween

Hello! Thank so much for the prompt! Sorry this is a day late, I meant to do it yesterday, but got distracted carving a pumpkin spiderman and sitting on the step with my mom to greet trick or treaters! I hope you all had a great Halloween though!

I should probably start off saying that I’ve never seen Pulp Fiction, and I also don’t Halloween party at all. Hopefully this turned out good anyways. I jumped ahead a bit with the prompts to do this one before I felt too awkward to complete it. Can’t really post a Halloween fic mid November, but I’m back to sticking to the order things come in!

Warnings: None

Word Count: 3,557

Summary: A Halloween fic, read the prompt above!

(Gif doesn’t belong to me, credit to the creator!)

“I’ve decided,” you told the Doctor as you made your way into the console room and plopped yourself down on the chair. You looked up the Doctor’s profile from behind, grinning to yourself.  

The Doctor froze where he was fiddling around with the console, turning to look at you with a questioning glance. He raised an eyebrow in question, eyeing you up and down before he finally replied with a confused, “decided what, exactly?”

“What we’re going to be for Halloween!” you chirped excitedly. You reclined back in the chair, grinning brightly at the Doctor as he blinked at you. “I’ve been thinking for weeks now, and I’ve finally picked out perfect costumes for us!”

“Uh?” the Doctor finally turned towards you, leaning back against the console and crossing his feet in front of him. The man cocked his head to the side, expressing a confusion you didn’t often see from him, “costumes?”

“Of course,” you gave a serious nod, crossing your arms across your chest to express the seriousness of the conversation, “costumes take a lot of thought, Doctor.”

“I believe you,” the Doctor responded, frowning thoughtfully at you, “I’m just... well, not quite sure what you’re on about, if I’m honest. Why are you so excited about this?”

“What?” you blinked in surprise, “you don’t know about Halloween? I thought you were an expert on everything earth?”

“No,” the Doctor straightened, “I know of the day, of course I do--” he gestured to himself, “Time-Lord, remember? I’ve visited the very first of each earth holiday through the years, All-Hallows Eve included—well, Samhain at least. Saw that and never bothered returning around the month of October.”

He eyed you for a second before continuing, “what I just can’t seem to understand is why you’d be excited for bonfires and the human race feeling the need to wear monster masks to ward off ghosts—which by the way, would not help at all.”

You stared at the man for a second, then another before you finally blinked at him, “so, you’re telling me you haven’t seen Halloween on earth since like the eighteenth century?”

“More like the eighth century,” the Doctor corrected, scrunching his face up in distaste, “wasn’t a fan then, not a fan now. I’m more of a Christmas guy, I suppose.”

“The holiday has completely changed,” you told him, standing from your seat and moving towards him in excitement, “it’s not like... well, that anymore. Very few fires, and the dressing up is more for fun than to hide from, uhm, ghosts? It’s parties, and trick-or-treating door to door for sweets, and getting scared!”

“Really?” the Doctor scrunched his nose up, eyeing you where you stood before him with a bright smile.  

“Yeah,” you smiled, leaning into his space, “it’s for fun now, we’ve swayed a bit from hiding away from ghosts. Just modern traditions now.”

“I see,” the Doctor hummed, turning back towards the TARDIS console. “Sounds interesting.”

“It is,” you agreed with a smile, moving to stand beside him and observe his hands moving fluently along the knobs and dials on the console, “so, what do you think about heading to earth for Halloween this year?”

The Doctor turned his head towards you, gave you a crooked smile, “nah.”

And then you were landing.

----

“Come on,” you pleaded, “I’ve got the perfect costumes picked out for us, and it’ll look dumb if I go by myself when the costume is supposed to be a couples costume!”

The Doctor gave you a sideways glance, “and what are these costumes?”  

You’d let the conversation drop earlier (or rather, had gotten dragged into another space mess you and the Doctor needed to clean up), but you weren’t about to drop the subject. Now you had a personal mission to reintroduce the Doctor to modern Halloween and all its glory.  

“Okay,” you grinned, “so, I was planning on being Mia Wallace—I can pull it off, don’t you think? Actually, it doesn’t matter, it’s Halloween. Anyways, I think you’d make a great Vincent Vega. Plus, it would look weird if I showed up as Mia but I didn’t have a Vincent, right? I don’t think people would even know who we were if we didn’t show up together.”

“And... who’re these people?”

“They’re characters from Pulp Fiction,” you explained. “It’s a popular film down on earth—I can’t believe you’ve never heard of it.”

“Right,” the Doctor gave a nod, but you were sure he didn’t really understand what you were talking about. It was nice he pretended too thought. “I never agreed to this... costume thing. Doesn’t sound much different from hiding from ghosts to me. You’ll still be changing your appearance to hide.”

“It’s completely different, and we’re not hiding, it’s for fun,” you scoffed, slightly offended, but not really since this was the Doctor, “we’re going to a party, my cousin’s Halloween party. And besides, the characters don’t even have masks, they’re regular people. Clothes, makeup, wigs.”

“Well then, this holiday really has strayed from its roots then, hasn’t it?”

“Maybe,” you shrugged, “I don’t think it’s changed much.”

The Doctor gave you a tilt of his head,smile small, “right, well, you didn’t get to experience Samhain, now did you? You’ve got nothing to compare current Halloween too.” You pouted at the man, but he didn’t seem too bothered as he continued fiddling with the TARDIS.

“It really is fun,” you attempted, “it’s probably super different from the first Halloween you didn’t like, but, like, in a good way. Halloween is the best! And all my friends will be there, and the costumes are always great—there's a costume contest.”

“I can always drop you off,” the Doctor suggested with a glance back at you. “You know I’d never keep you here against your will, just say the word and I’ll return you to earth.”

“No,” you groaned, “that ruins the fun. I can’t show up alone again,” you sighed slumping in the chair, “if you’re not going there’s barely a point in me going. I want to have fun with you, and celebrate the holiday with you. Besides, I’ve already got the costumes made up. You had everything in your collection of clothes for a Vincent costume, and I already had most of Mia’s clothes. It’s perfect, Doctor!”

“Gatherings aren’t for me,” the Doctor replied, “friends and family of my companions? Nothing ever goes right when the friends and families of companions know of me and where I take you, believe me on that one.”

“But it’s Halloween,” you pouted, “no one will be asking about any of that, not one says anything serious. And we don’t have to stay for long, we can just pop in and leave. I just... want to show you that it’s changed, Doctor. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, and I want to share that with you.”

“(Y/N),” the Doctor turned to you, frowning. He was giving you that look he always did when he was about to disappoint you and hated doing it. He stared at you for a moment before he sighed heavily, “Maybe.”

“Maybe?” you blinked in surprise, “really?”

“Not a yes,” the man continued with a serious voice, “but I’ll think about it, alright?”

----

If you knew anything about older people, it was that a maybe wasn’t much more than a no. It was a no that left the receiver hopeful of a positive outcome. A failsafe, for the person to say maybe, so they could say no later, and not outright say it. Because a maybe left room for a yes, or, a more likely no.

So, as much as the maybe was progress, it was still basically a no. And you wouldn’t settle for an open-ended no. If the Doctor really didn’t want to go, you’d leave it after today. But you couldn’t settle for a devastating no closer to Halloween when you’d had your hopes up for so long.

“Pleaseee?” you begged. It was just about the time you’d usually head off to bed and leave the Doctor to his own devices for the night. You sat curled up on the chair in the console room, warm in pajamas as you watched the Doctor do whatever it was he usually did in the evening.  

This was the last time you’d ask for the Doctor to accompany you to the Halloween party. You weren’t going to force—not that you were sure you even could if you tried. He was superior to you, not that he pointed it out often. You’d rather a no than a maybe that got your hopes up.

You just really wanted to go this party with someone else, and who better than the Doctor? You’d always gone alone, or with friends, and your cousin always teased you about it. But what would he say when you showed up with someone? Someone as cool (and strange) as the Doctor?

And in matching costumes as well, it would be adorable, and finally break your cousin from his teasing.  

“You’re not gonna give up on this, are you?”

The Doctor hadn’t bothered looking away from his fiddling at the console, but you could hear some humor in his voice, “then again, I expect nothing less from humans who travel with me. I’d be persistent as well.”

“So you’ll come?” you perked up where you were slumped into the seat. “And don’t give me another maybe, I want a real answer, Doctor.”

“Yes, fine. Alright.” The man tipped his head in your direction, giving a small smile, “we can visit Halloween and go to your cousin’s party.”

----

“(Y/N)!” Your cousin greeted brightly, dressed as a vampire with fake blood smeared across his mouth. “You’re here,” he continued, pulling you into a hug, “haven’t heard from you in a bit, wasn’t sure you’d make it.”

“Wasn’t sure I would make it,” you explained honestly, “had trouble convincing my friend to join me.”

“Friend?” you cousin raised an eyebrow, looking around you easily, “and, where is this friend?”

“He’s... parking,” you shrugged.  

“He’s?” your cousin teased while waggling his eyebrows at you. You rolled your eyes, crossing your arms across your chest as you scoffed.  

“Yes, he’s,” you groaned, stressing the word in annoyance, “cut it out. Don’t act so surprised that I’ve brought a friend. And really don’t around him, got it?”

“I wasn’t,” he raised his hands in mock surrender, smile wide and teasing in a cousin-y way. Then, he was gesturing down to your costume, “now, what’re you supposed to be anyways?”

You almost groaned at your cousin not knowing your Mia Wallace costume, but you knew it was because your Vincent Vega wasn’t here with you. You opened your mouth to respond in a snarky reply, but before you could, the door was opening and your Vincent Vega was walking in with a hesitant expression.  

“Over here!” You called him over with a wave. You watched as the man’s expression settled on you, before he was stepping towards you and stopping at your side, eyeing your cousin.  

“This is... your friend?” your cousin tilted his head, eyeing the Doctor with a sideways glance.  

“’ello!” the Doctor grinned from your side, hesitance waning for the sake of proper introduction, which he really did love. The man gave your cousin a friendly wave, “I’m the Doctor.”

“The Doctor?” your cousin blinked at the Doctor before turning his confusion to you. You gave your relative a grin, setting your hand on the Doctor’s shoulder before nodding. “Alright, well,” your cousin clapped his hands together in an inviting gesture, “(Y/N), Doctor, enjoy the party then! Everyone’s here, and they’re all dying to see you!”

By everyone, your cousin really did mean everyone. The two of you had grown up in the same neighborhood, had gone to the same school and of course, had the same group of friends. Everyone you knew, your cousin knew as well. So, everyone really would be here.

You turned your head to watch as more people entered your cousin’s house, he threw a wave at them before grinning, “mingle,” he suggested, “I’ve gotta go play host some more. Have fun!”

You watched your cousin disappear to talk to the newcomers, a group of his sports friends you hadn’t seen in years. Some threw a wave back at you, and you returned it easily.

When you turned back to the Doctor he was looking around at everyone already mingling, eyed following around to the activities and dancing going on, “these people,” he mumbled, “they’re dressed as creatures. A mummy, a siren—is that a clown? Your cousin was a vampire...”

“Yeah,” you nodded, “and we’re dressed up as Mia and Vincent—and my friend over there is a pirate, and that guy is Mario. It’s all make believe, just for fun.”

“Right,” the Doctor gave a nod.

“Now,” you called excitedly, “let’s go see the jack-o-lanterns and carved pumpkins, ooh, and we can bob for apples. Haven’t done that in years.”

“I’m sorry, what?” the Doctor tilted his head at you, but he looked curious. And a curious Doctor was a fun Doctor.  

“I’ll show you,” you promised, “it’s fun. Trust me.” You grabbed the man’s hand, not waiting for a response as you dragged him through the party to where the music was the loudest and the activities were set up.

The Doctor loved the activities, as far as you could tell, at least. He dove right into bobbing for apples, competing good naturedly with some of the other guys surrounding the tub of water. You’d decided against dunking your head in the water, in fear that your Mia makeup would run and smear if wet.

You’d barely put any on the Doctor, but he still somehow managed to look like Vincent. You still couldn’t believe that the clothing the Doctor was wearing right now had been on the TARDIS already. You’d barely had to add anything to the look.  

Every activity you stumbled upon; the Doctor seemed to enjoy. He even carved a pumpkin (an image of a Dalek, which he’d done when you mentioned people liked to carve scary things in the spirit of the holiday). People didn’t know what it was, but they all loved his creativity and carving.

“So, who’s the handsome lad you brought with you tonight?” You looked to your side, where your longest friend was standing beside you. “And better question, where do I find one of my own?”

“His name’s the Doctor,” you informed, before grinning, “and he’s one of a kind. Sorry.”

“Figures,” your friend sighed, not even questioning the man’s name like you’d thought they would’ve, “the two of you are cute together, he seems to really like you.”

You opened your mouth to deny the fact when your friend continued on, “I mean, he’d have to like you a lot to do a couples costume. I didn’t even know you were seeing anyone.”

“I’m not,” you swallowed, “we’re just friends. And we’re just matching. Where’s the harm in that?”

“Sure,” your friend shrugged, “and I’m the Queen of England. You dressed him up in a costume matching yours and you try to tell me he’s just a friend?”

“Just friends,” you insisted, but you knew you were blushing, “and leave him alone, would you? He’s... not like us. He’s never had a Halloween like this.”

“Sure,” your friend shrugged, “I just wanted to check in before you take off like you always do and I don’t see you for months. And now, you come back with this boyfriend no one’s ever seen, hopefully you don’t make a habit of that.”

“Not my boy-”  

“Yeah, yeah,” your friend laughed, “maybe not yet. Best friend’s intuition, it’ll happen, (Y/N).” Your friend gave you a teasing grin before leaving you to watch the Doctor carve the finishing touches on his Dalek pumpkin.  

Your friend teasing you was just the beginning of it. The amount of times old friends of yours came up to you and asked if you and the Doctor were dating, or if the Doctor was your boyfriend, or, even commenting that they didn’t know you were seeing someone was absurd. And everyone commenting on how amazing the two of you looked as Mia and Vincent (or just the matching, couple-y costumes in general if they didn’t know the characters) was overwhelming.

And the Doctor would just grin brightly and wrap his arm around your shoulders or peck your cheek while you tried to tell people he was not, in fact, your boyfriend. At least he was having a good time. 

The teasing smile he gave you whenever someone would walk away after assuming the two of you were together would almost be annoying if it weren’t for the brightness of the smile.

“Maybe I was wrong,” the Doctor said when the two of you finally stepped out of the party.  

The Doctor had made his way through every activity, debunked anything that was supposed to be scary for you (even if he didn’t need too), and greeted everyone in attendance with cheerfulness. You were almost certain he’d enjoyed himself, at least a little.  

“Wrong?” you prompted, taking his hand and leading him down your cousin’s driveway and away from the party.

“A bit,” the man shrugged, “that was pretty nice. Maybe I don’t hate Halloween after all. All the dangerous creatures around us, but nothing trying to harm us, eh? What a change of pace.”

“That’s the fun of it,” you agreed with a smile, “just for tonight, you can be anything you want. No one will tell you you look weird, everyone just goes with the flow.”

“You humans are strange creatures, you know? Now, I still don’t know about the costumes though,” the man pulled on his shirt, “not sure I pull it off, y’know?”

“You look fine.”

The two of you walked slowly towards the TARDIS. The Doctor had parked the space and time machine a bit away from the party, like you’d suggested so no one would find it and the night of tricks. You could barely imagine the Doctor’s rage had the TARDIS been egged or, covered in toilet paper as a stupid Halloween prank.  

A couple costumed children ran past you, laughing and giggling as they moved up the walkway of the house you were currently walking in front of. The Doctor paused to watch, and you stopped as well.

“Trick or treat!” the youngsters cheered when the door was pulled open. You strained to hear the conversation as the woman to answer the door cooed at their costumes and dropped some sweets into their trick or treat bags.  

“What’re they doing?” the Doctor turned to look at you.

“Trick or treating,” you explained, “it’s something the kids do every year. Houses hand out sweets and the children go door to door collecting them in costume. It’s fun,” you told him, “there’s nothing better when you’re little.”

“Did you?” The Doctor asked softly, still observing the bright smiles on the children’s faces as the moved onto the next house.

“’course,” you grinned, “did the whole neighborhood every year. Loads of sweets to eat.”

The man’s expression brightened into a wide smile, “let’s do it!” he exclaimed, “c’mon, (Y/N), trick or treat with me, I know you want too! Live a little!”

“Doctor...” you paused, looking at the man’s wide eyes, bright with a childish glow. He was nothing but a child on the inside. And you should know that, if you hadn’t already, by the way that man had been mesmerized by all the activities at the party.  

You really didn’t have the heart to tell the man that adults didn’t trick or treat, and that it was actually kind of frowned upon. Trick or treating was really for the young kids, and usually stopped around teen years. But you couldn’t find it in yourself to say, especially not when he was bouncing on his feels in excitement. “Sure, Doctor. Let’s go to a couple houses.”

Surprisingly, no one made any fuss about the Gallifreyan trick or treating at their houses. It was almost like everyone could sense the man had no ill intent, and really just wanted to experience trick or treating. It was like those who answered the doors could tell he’d never been before, and was overjoyed at the thought just like any other kid to come to their home.  

The two of you returned to the TARDIS a bit later than you’d thought, pockets full of sweets and candies handed out by the lovely homeowners you’d visited.  

“I’ve changed my mind,” the man called as he emptied his pockets onto the TARDIS console. You were sure that they’d be shot around the room in the next few minutes, but didn’t really mind, “that,” he gestured to the door, “was brilliant. Halloween is brilliant. You... you humans, you’re all brillant!”

“Thanks, I think,” you snorted. “So, you had fun then?”

“Oh yeah,” the man grinned, “loads’ve it! I’ve really been missing out, haven’t I? Trick or treating, and Halloween, who’d’ve thought it could be that fun?”

You resisted rolling your eyes, since you’d tried to tell him that earlier. It wasn’t worth it, not when the Doctor was in just a good mood.

“You know, (Y/N),” the Doctor called, not looking away from what he was doing.

“Hm?”  

“Next year, we’ll dress up as Thijarians. We’ll definitely win the costume contest dressed as Thijarians.”

<><><><>

Hope you enjoyed! And sorry it’s a day late! I would say prompt me again if it’s not what you’re looking for, but I’ll feel wird posting a Halloween fic a ways after Halloween. Hope you all had a good holiday (and stayed safe!). 

Thank you to the person who prompted this, I hope you enjoyed it!

[plush-anon]

You worked at joanns? 😍 dream job

In all fairness, a large part (and I do mean a LARGE part) of why I enjoyed working at Joanns were the managers.

The store manager was a guy named Richard, one of maybe two or three men who worked there total, and this man was practically a saint as far as retail goes.

This was a man who would, with no hesitation, get on the floor to help customers, or hop on the registers to check customers' purchases out, or pop on to the cutting counter to cut fabric. He remembered the names of regulars, would chat and smile while getting shit done, and was the type of guy to speak slowly and softly when we had shitstains explode at us measly peons for not giving them the full cost of an item back in a return (ex $200) when they used a coupon to purchase an item to begin with and only paid a portion of the cost (ex. $150). No joke, this actually happened to me on Black Friday with a man who stood at about 6 foot with a crewcut and a snarl (the military Karen, if you would)

Richard, of course, stood at about 6 foot 5 inches, and reminded me of a ginger grizzly bear in some ways. Very few customers continued to be assholes when they asked to speak to the manager and Richard came over, smiling wide. He encouraged us to chat with the customers while we worked the cutting counter - it was a good way to learn about what they were making, encouraged general conversation and lent itself to a better environment for everyone, worker and customer alike, so we weren't just awkwardly standing in silence the whole time.

The assistant store manager (aka his second in command - we had two other assistant managers, but she wielded more power than both of them) was Farrah, and she was basically Cool Wine Aunt, but with weed. She was open about smoking it (but not in a pressure-the-underlings kind of way, but more of a 'yeah, it calms me down' kind of way) but never on the clock, and was just really chill in general. She was also a 'jump on the registers' type of manager, and on occasion would take the closing staff out to get a drink from the texmex place next to us in the shopping center, and cover one for each of us - particularly during the Holiday Clusterfuck of October, November, and December (their Frozen Kahlua Mudlslide was my alcoholic drink of choice - they also had these spicy chicken strips that were amazing with it, but I digress).

Both of them were amazing people who would support and back us up without hesitation (if they weren't dealing with corporate or stock trucks coming in), and both routinely worked 15 to 20 hours UNPAID overtime during the Holiday Clusterfuck so that we the underlings could get more hours without Corporate jumping up our ass about going over budget.

They were also refreshingly upfront in our monthly meetings about profits and meeting them, as well as why company policy was the way it was, and how to work within the boundaries so we got more hours. One of my favorite moments was when they said the fabric sales essentially covered their own cost (production and delivery); the rest of the cheap crap in the store was what covered our paycheck and electricity, so hawk it as much as you can if you want extra in the bank (paraphrasing here, but that's not that far off what they actually said tbh).

With some Karen-y exceptions, the customers were honestly pretty chill. There were two women from a nearby church who bought well over 200 yards of cut fleece to make no-sew fleece blankets for children and the poor in December (it took forever to do, but they were so cheerful about it and told some funny anecdotes in between, kept the counter clear as soon as they were cut, etc. Took them three carts to haul everything to the register XD).

There was the slew of quilters making everything from baby blankets to anniversary gifts to quilts for their grandkids attending the local university that they could wear to football games in the colder weather, while still showing team pride. They always bought quarters and eighths and the end of the bolt for half price, digging thru our remnants bin for something they might have missed they could get for half price. They always talked about what they were working on, and spoke in great detail on their kids or cousins or niblings or grandkids. I saw so many pictures on phones, in wallets, and they loved them to absolute pieces.

There were cosplayers making their first costume to comicon, halloween goers trying their hand at making their own outfits, and a few furries making custom suits for order or just updating their own personal outfit. There were the usual school and church Christmas plays that needed costumes, and folks making custom table runners and place settings for family holiday meals.

One notable young man bought out 30+ yards of our 65" inch wide bolt felt for JEWELRY projects he was making as a part of his business and as a part of his art program (you can major in art with a concentration in jewelry making, and he was using it for that). He didn't leave a card, but the pictures he showed us were STUNNING.

We had a few elderly mothers come in with their daughters, to pick out fabrics so they could make their own wedding dresses, or quinceanera outfits, or veils; they showed us the patterns they had, or the pictures they were basing the designs off of, and all of them were STUNNING. (One came back in with the finished dress in the bag, this intricately beaded poofy dress that had to have taken days, hot pink and shiny).

We had local restaurant owners pop in for re-upholstery projects and curtains and vinyl; same with teachers and deck dads and furniture restoration workers that would gush about the design, what they had planned. Some would bicker with their spouses on the pattern, but it felt good-natured on the whole.

We had some elderly men come in to peer over our sewing machines - "How much it run for? My wife's birthday is coming up and her old machine's about done, and I want to surprise her. She had a Singer, but she hates the electronic screens on some of these newer ones, they hurt her eyes." - and moms coming in to sew some custom bed sheets for their kids - "My son really likes the new My Little Pony show, but he's a little shy about it. Do you think the blue's okay? Only he like yellow more, but they don't have any back there and he doesn't MIND blue really but - Actually scratch that, how wide is the fabric? My pattern says it needs to be at LEAST 22 inches wide, does it say on the box?" - and people coming up with some WILD craft ideas that were always a delight to hear them gush about - "So this MAY seem crazy, but I can turn these plastic pumpkin trick-or-treat pails into SNOWMEN heads with felt like this. We fill them with treats for the kids since we don't have a fireplace and they like it fine, but someone said I should sell these on Etsy and people really like them! But I've run out of pumpkins, and you have NO idea how happy I am that you guys still have some left."

The group we had to work with was also pretty crafty; a few were chronic call-outs, some a bit lazy, some perpetually done-with-this-nonsense, but we were mostly on the same page on shift, and all of us were crafty as heck. The employee discount was a blessing AND a curse, lemme tell you.

Stock was the best part, for me. Hours before the store opened at 9 AM, we would rip open the boxes and stuff everything onto the shelves, organizing anything the closing shift missed the night before along the way, updating new stickers or shuffling pegs over for new product arrangement, etc. We could listen to music or podcasts as we worked, and I ended up impressing some of them bc of how fast I tore through everything some mornings (the music definitely helped out there).

I was actually about to be promoted to assistant manager after 6 months, but then I got my job with the university, and they had federal health benefits AND dental, so... yeah, no contest there. Richard actually laughed when I told him I'd been hired at the university and was giving my two week notice, since it meant he didn't have to do the slew of paperwork that accompanied new assistant manager hires. He congratulated me on the job, especially the health benefits - he said that was a perk worth leaving any job here for. I nearly cried with relief that he wasn't mad.

He and Farrah chipped in and got me a small music box that plays Man of La Mancha's Dream the Impossible Dream on my last day. It still sits on my desk at work.

It was honestly my favorite retail job out of the bunch I've suffered through. Surprising at first, since I initially received a rejection email bare HOURS after my interview with Farrah, but about a month later (as I trawled endlessly through interview after interview, desperate for anything those first few months ), I got a call back from them asking if I was still interested (which I was, bc hey a job!). They remembered me specifically bc I had missed my bus to the interview, called ahead to let them know I would be late, then walked the whole way there in the rain to get there. (It was only about a mile and a half away, so not a terrible journey, but flooding is an issue in our flat-ass city; I looked like a drenched afghan hound holding a useless umbrella, so enjoy that imagery).

They were particularly impressed by the calling-ahead part.

Unfortunately, both of them ended up moving on to different paths over the year after I left - apparently they had been friends with benefits (? I say hesitantly, since I ran into one of my coworkers at an art show later on and she spilled the beans there - she was a bit flighty in nature though, and got caught up in gossip a LOT, so who knows. Lovely brocade custom projects though), and his ex girlfriend had called corporate on them and got both fired.

I think Farrah came back some time later, but the damage was done after that - the new manager came in and operated SOLELY to corporate policy. A LOT went to pieces in terms of store cleanliness, order, and general camaraderie after that - the new fabric counter folks look and sound dead inside, and barely interact with customers (not even a 'whatcha making' in passing, which is kind of sad - the stories I got helped to pass the time, and kept me from using up all of my Set Conversation Phrases for customers that actually WOULD leave us standing in silence). Corporate also stopped some of the smaller store policies that made our job easier and gave the customers a little something extra (the 'end-of-the-bolt' discount - if, after the customer orders say, 2 yards of fabric on the bolt, and there's say, a half yard "remnant" left on the bolt, we can sell them the remnant for half-price. A LOT of quilters LOVED this, and we did too, since it saved us from filling out the remnant tag and printing a sticker later on).

Just goes to show how important good management is in a business; especially when it can kick a store previously part of the top 50 stores in the NATION (while being a medium store at that - smaller place, NOT Hobby Lobby size like the Large stores) to something much less pleasant. I could be rose-goggling the situation thought - retail is still retail, no matter how nice some aspects are - but it still sticks with me as to how good he experience was even taking into account that it WAS minimum wage retail.

Food for thought, lads, food for thought.

[ones-delight]

I unfortunately won’t have therapy until the end of this month (I should have scheduled one earlier this month ugh lmao I thought one later this month would be better) so I’m doing what my therapist suggested, write down all what’s going through my head even if it doesn’t make sense to help bring myself back to reality. lol. I’m very much lost in my own sauce of feelings and thoughts. it’s allllll about my ex again so ugh lmao. My main anxieties are just feelings about my ex and what’s coming up this semester.

I’m currently in my apartment in Iowa City since we’re about to start back up my usual routine. I’ve been here for almost two weeks now which is nice because I’ve been trying to take my time to relax and get myself mentally prepared for this upcoming semester. I’m also low key glad I’m having these overwhelming anxieties right now instead of later this week. I need to ask my therapist again what exactly I am feeling (if it’s like a panic attack because i truly dont know) because I’ve been feeling hella anxious the past few days (in general) and yesterday my anxiety was so intense that I barely ate and I felt sick to my stomach. idk if others have the same too but when I also get hella anxious, all I want to do is go to the bathroom so tmi lmao. I feel this way now and I just cannot stop crying so again, I’m just writing everything that’s going through my mind lmao.

#1) Related to my ex, heart break

Yeah.. I literally keep talking about this/him and I’m glad I have multiple outlets that I can say what’s going through my mind because if I keep these thoughts to myself, I keep spiraling. I’m also very thankful I have multiple strong support systems from people where it truly doesn’t get annoying to them when I keep talking about him/my overall heart break/healing journey. I know I don’t want to burden my friends with my own thoughts (it can be a lot) so overall very thankful for friends, family, and my therapist lmao. 

I think the last time I talked about my heart break was the letter I wrote to him. I wrote it and sent it to him lmao. I also wrote his mom a letter in Spanish because I want to stay connected with her and very thankful she reciprocates the same energy, Apparently, he never received the letter even though I sent it over 3 weeks ago, but anyways yeah that’s a story I will tell later in this post. Anyways, it’s legit easier said than done to completely stop checking on his social media. I was doing great before winter break. Now that winter break has happened (still kind of is for a few more days), I have relapsed where I was checking very often. The break was great since I got to spend quality time with family, however, unfortunately being back in Wichita still floods a lot of my emotions where there are still a lot of memories of him and I that still makes me feel sad (luckily no longer sobbing about but I do still feel some type of way. It’s getting better thankfully). It also hurts that he’s making new memories with his new girlfriend Kylie so I was def feeling all sorts of things. Sorry, I’m trying to go onto chronologize order of events that have happened. I’m jumping back and forth lmao 

First, did I mention his mom called me the day before Christmas? I was SHOOOOOK when I saw her name on my phone. I legit froze because I wasn’t sure if it was actually her so I accidently missed her call. I’m so glad she left a voicemail so I could listen first and immediately call her back LMAO. But basically, she wanted to check in to see how I was doing, wish me and my family a merry christmas/happy new year, and asked if I could come see her. We joked a bit back and forth like how she was learning English for me while I’m learning Spanish for her. lmao. so after this phone call, I wrote her a letter to update her on what I’ve been doing. I wrote it all in Spanish since that’s her primary language so thank god for google translate. overall, I told her about how I’m about to earn my masters degree in may, I’ve lost now 30 lbs of weight/having a better relationship with food, how I’m honestly still hurt about her son cheating on me (I was in my feels. You know if you ever get those feelings like you want your mom? She legit is like a mom to me since my mom isn’t an active part of my life so yeah I guess you can say I got mommy issues but anyways) I also told her that if she’d still like me to come over, I’d love to come over and see her.

Few days go by, I’ve been creeping onto his social media, it stings to see how he has flaunted his relationship with Kylie. It hurts because I keep playing this comparison game because he truly has NEVER allowed me to post about us and he would himself refuse to post about us on his social media. So, just to see how he’s been basically spending every single day with her and posting her throughout all of his social media, makes me feel an extreme type of way. during new years, she had a party at her house where it was him, her, his brother paco (which I was SHOOOK because she met paco and not everyone has ever met paco, who is his oldest brother), miguel and his girlfriend (both are super cute btw), Blake (surprisingly), and Erik. I felt some kind of way because obviously I know they would share a new years kiss even tho they’ve only been dating for literally a month. I dated him for 3 years and NEVER got a new years kiss (because he wanted to be with bros). Valentines day is coming up and it’d be their “two month” anniversary and I just KNOW he’d actually put EFFORT into spending that day with her. 3 years I dated this guy and he never ONCE did ANYTHING for me for valentines day. ok I’m getting more hurt thinking how he’s treating his other girls better than me so anyways BACK TO THE TOPIC

few days go by and I got another call from his mom. I actually picked up this time because I was really excited to hear her voice again. I legit would die for this woman legit #1 mom. She asked if she could see me and I happily said yes. It really means a lot that she still gives me the same energy that she gave me when I was still dating her son. One of the hardest parts of us breaking up was the potential of losing his family too because they are all truly good people and I am NOT the CEO of letting people go lmao. okay back to subject, I had TONS of anxiety driving over to her house because I had so many thoughts. I asked on the phone if 1.) is Lalo there. She said no. 2.) Is Paco there. No, he apparently flew back to California that morning. I was low key hoping paco would be there still because it would be cool to catch up with him but anyways my main concern was if eduardo was there so since he wasn’t, I was like “ok vroom vroom let’s go” lmao. WOWOWOWWO seeing her just made my heart so happy. She def has a lot more gray hairs since the last time I saw her lmao she’s the cutest anyways, I’m really shook that HIS DAD FREAKING HUGGED ME. THIS MAN NEVER USUALLY HUGS ANYONEEEEEEEEEEE. Typically how we greet each other, it’s like a wave from a distance and we obvi acknowledge each other. so WOOOOW I was very thankful and shook he hugged me. Anyways, his mom showed me around the house with the Christmas decorations, I noticed her birds were still doing well, she even showed me her new plants she got lmao. We sat at the dining room table and talked and ate mexican snacks. She has broken English and I have broken Spanish so literally thank god for dualingo because it has helped me. I love how when we are together, we talk really slow and try to annunciate for each other LMAOOO. Anyways, THIS WOMAN ALSO GOT ME A STOCKING filled with Mexican Candy. omg this woman i love her so much. Anyways, I showed my tattoos to her and she legit wanted to murder me lmao but she says she likes them but hates them at the same time. She also sat me down and we had a serious conversation in terms of how she sees me. She said that I am no longer known as lalo’s novia, what I am to her is a daughter. I am evelyn’s sister and yo boi that got me crying in the club because that’s what I would love to have, to maintain my relationship with them . Okay, to kind of speed things up, basically we kept talking about Evelyn’s quinceanera that’s happening this year AHHHHHH, dropped Evelyn off and her friend to a friend’s quince, and his mom took me to eat at paleterias tropicana where I tried elote for the first time and had a jugo verde WOOOOOW SOOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOD. literally cannot stop thinking about it. Anyways, random note, I noticed my old K-State beanie in the car and his mom said it was Evelyn’s. It gave me a weird feeling because it was originally mine that he gifted me on our first Christmas together but obviously I knew he wouldn’t keep it so I’m not suprised he gave it to Evelyn. It made me wonder then what did he do to the other gifts that he originally gave me but I gave it back to him once we broke up.. okay that was a tangent, anyways, that was it with the night with his mom and ughhh it was a really fun night and I really am looking forward to seeing her again.

Now fast forward to now-ish, me not doing good of not checking his social media, I got triggered because they now made it “facebook officlal” that they are dating. it triggered me because again, he refused to publicize our relationship and it really threw me off that they’ve only been dating for a month (technically interested in each other since October, started dating November) and already publicizing they are together. they moving hella quick and basically, I got hella bitter. I felt reckless and I texted him. I KNOW I shouldn’t have texted him because I immediately felt a sense of regret after but also low key glad I did text him. ugh i hate me lmao. Anyways, i texted him and he asked if he could call me so I said yes. Luckily, the conversation was better than I expected because it was simply like two old friends catching up. It was a really good feeling even tho I’m honestly still hurt about the way that he treated me. It caught me by suprised when he said that he has talked about me with Kylie and he actually stated that he knows what he did and feels regretful for the choices he made. That was a huge shocker and I do still have trust issues because I try to take things that he says with a grain of salt. He may be saying things to me that I want to hear but it’s not the truth so anyways lmao. Our conversation was good and it really got me thinking what exactly am I doing/how am I really feeling.

I really am happy for him. Yes i’m still deeply hurt and feel a type of way about how he treated me, but I can’t do anything about the past and all I can do is just simply be happy for him. I will always love him without a doubt, but he isn’t my person. I hope this doesn’t come off as selfish but he will never find someone better than me, he is simply finding someone better suited for him. What helps me the most about this is thinking about ME because that’s the situation for him, however, I know I will find someone better than him because I deserve the best.

I felt bad for asking because I am just fucking nosy and I’m glad he was okay with me asking about what happened with his relationship with Lila (the girl he left me for) and how did he start dating Kylie. He shared with with me that even though it was all great in the beginning with Lila (and let me tell you dude, he totally was hella infatuated with her lmao), they started becoming two different people. She apparently wasn’t emotionally there for him when he needed her (IRONICCCCCCCCCCCCC BECAUSE THAT’S EXACTLY HOW HE WAS WITH ME THROUGHOUT OUR 3 YEARS TOGETHER) and she ended the relationship. It did make me sad to hear because everyone needs support and it is sad when you go to someone for support and they don’t give you it, ya know? anyways, he said with Kylie, they’ve been friends for two years (I knew who she was when we were together but they’ve always only been friends since they worked at the Sunflower together. This will sound extremely bad but I never thought about her being a girl to worry about because she did a lot of “white” things that we make fun of white people for and so it kind of shocked me that he is dating her now but anyways) apparently he said that “they were hanging out and next thing he knows is that he kissed her and that’s how they started dating.” dude didn’t want to go into detail which was fine but I’m also in my head like “ok lmao you literally just got broken up by your ex and then immediately start hanging out with another girl? ok” ANYWAYS, I really am happy for him and wish him the best. 

It was cool to hear about what he’s hoping to do. He shared a lot more detail than usual which again caught me by surprise. Anyways, he shared that he is currently looking for a new place to live (a house to rent) somewhere in college hill (conveniently where Kylie also lives lmao) with Erik. He is also hoping to find another job soon because things at KWCH are no longer making him feel happier so he’s looking to see if he can work for a non-profit org which makes me happy for him because I’d also want to do the same. If I’m at a job where I’m not excited to be, I’d want to also try to make a switch. He also shared that junior (martin, his little brother) will be moving to Cali in May to move close to paco which wow made me really happy for them all. Anyways, he shared that he is hoping to stay in Wichita for about one more year and then possibly relocating to KC or somewhere in Oklahoma. i did encourage him KC because it seems that KC has much more opportunities than Wichita and Oklahoma. Only thing we both hate is driving in KC lmao

Okay, so overall, I’m still really hurt about how our relationship was and how it ended but I’m very grateful that I’m doing what is best for me to make progress because this is not an overall easy thing to do, move on. I do feel low key embarrassed that I still am not over our break up but I’m very glad that I know that He isn’t my person. we will and I cannot get back together with him even if he stated that he has “changed” Yes i invested so much in him to be my forever partner and it didn’t work out but that’s okay. I’m always willing to invest in people to be the best version of themselves and it really makes me happy to see people thrive. I truly cannot and will not take him back if there was ever a time where he wanted to give us a second try because I need to remember how he treated me. If he really was always thinking it was me, then he shouldn’t have cheated on me, treated me so poorly. I’m okay with us remaining friends, but as partners in life? that isn’t it. I deserve so much better and the man of my dreams will come. I’m 10000000% okay with being single because I know I need to work on myself so that I can be fully ready for my next. I really wish my next relationship is my one and only, but hey we’ll see. 

so this is already extremely long but I’m very glad I got this all out of me. I know I have other anxieties such as starting school again, which will be my last semester before I earn my masters (FINALLY), RA training coming back up (so me working is coming back), JOB SEARCH. So much is coming up and AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I need to get my head into gear. 

[luthienebonyx]

2020 Writing in Review

Total number of completed stories: Four (not counting tumblr ficlets and such)

Total word count: Somewhere in the region of 150k

Fandoms written in: Game of Thrones, Queen’s Thief - Megan Whalen Turner, and Friday’s Child - Georgette Heyer.

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d expected? In 2019 I wrote almost 230k in seven months. I knew there was no way I’d be that prolific in 2020. As it turned out, I was right, but for the wrong reasons. I did start off the year writing at a slower pace than the last, but then 2020 happened to me in several different ways at once and I didn’t write at all for three months. But THEN I got my writing mojo back and wrote 50k between the beginning of November and the end of December so... I don’t know. It definitely wasn’t expected, whatever else you call it.

What’s your own favorite story of the year? There were two stories that I absolutely LOVED writing, and I can’t choose between them, so I’ll talk about both.

The first happened completely by accident. In October, I read all six of the Queen’s Thief novels by Megan Whalen Turner, and to my surprise the narrator of book 5 grabbed me by the throat and wouldn’t let up until I’d written a story for him. That ended up taking the whole of November, and became Twelve Days. It was a very different story from anything I’d written recently: first person, spare(ish) style, slash, and a very, VERY distinctive narrative voice. I think Chapter 9 was probably the best bit of writing I’d done in a while.

However, at the beginning of December I had finished Twelve Days, and so started work on That Greek Thing - which is the second story I want to talk about. It is for the novel Friday’s Child by Georgette Heyer and is a story I’ve had in the back of my mind to write for literally twenty years. It also has a very distinctive narrative voice, but in a completely different way from Twelve Days. i’d wanted to write Heyer fic for years and never quite got up the nerve. This time, I finally wrote not just a Heyer fic, but this particular Heyer fic, and I loved every moment of writing it. Heyer’s style is very, VERY different from MWT’s, so it took me a little while to move mentally from one to the other, but once I got into the groove of it... 

That Greek Thing wound up being 22k compared to Twelve Days’ 24k, but written in half the time. I mean, the fact that I was also writing the Heyer fic for Yuletide and so I was writing to a deadline also helped speed things along... But yeah, I’d been talking about writing that fic for 20 years, and I think it actually did turn out to be the story that I wanted it to be and hoped it would be.

Did you take any writing risks this year? I wrote slash for the first time in nine years (Twelve Days), and then I wrote another slash story (That Greek Thing) right after. Not a risk, exactly, but certainly a change from what I’ve been writing for a while now. I guess writing in first-person was a bit of a risk. I hadn’t done that in a very long time, and it was always possible that I could have fucked it up. I also wrote in a teensy fandom (Queen’s Thief) where I was completely unknown, and that’s always a bit of a risk in terms of getting people to engage with you.

Do you have any fanfic or profic goals for the new year? Hahaha. FINISH THINGS. First up, I need to finish my chill fest fic Doubt Truth to be a Liar. After that, there are my other four JB WIPs to see to. Once I get all of those sorted out, I will probably return to some profic projects that I started a few years ago.

Best story of the year? I’m not sure. It’s either Twelve Days or That Greek Thing, though. They’re so different that I honestly can’t say for sure which is better. I love the very angsty chapter in Twelve Days and I think it’s the best single bit of writing I’ve done in a while. Otoh, I love all the comedy in That Greek Thing, and the way some scenes go comedy-porn-comedy. Which is better? I don’t know, but I love them both.

Most popular story of the year? The Personal Touch, my JB physiotherapist modern AU. For some reason eight chapters of massages and sexual tension and wanking, followed by a sex scene that sprawled across two chapters, a semi-break-up and finally a happy ending appealed to a lot of readers. Ah, fandom. 😉

Story of mine most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion: Oh, easily, EASILY Twelve Days. Teensy fandom, unknown writer - there was never going to be a lot of notice shown. I’m pretty sure it’s the only story I’ve posted in 21 years of writing fanfic that had entire chapters that didn’t get a single comment.

Most fun story to write: That Greek Thing. I made myself laugh gleefully through most of it, and then the angst and hurt/comfort hit and I had even more fun!

Most unintentionally telling story: Heh. The Personal Touch for the physiotherapy stuff minus the sexual tension. I’ve been on a lot of treatment tables over the years...

Biggest disappointment: The usual one: that I have a finite amount of energy, so I can either do a reasonable amount of writing or do a reasonable amount of reading - but I can’t do both. So, once again, a lot of the stories that I really wanted to read went by the wayside.

Biggest surprise: That I wrote not one but two slash stories this year - and both of them featured intercrural sex. Not for the hell of it, either. Both stories needed it, but for very different reasons.

[excelsi-or]

09/11/19 - outside his comfort zone (woozi)

to a boy i love right now

w.c. 1.2k 

A/N: discussions of anxiety, so this is slightly more angsty than the past ones have been. This is typically how my anxiety goes. 

ALSO: check out the podcast The Secret Lives of Black Women (available anywhere you listen to pods). Now is the time for everyone to chuck their discomfort out the door and listen to black folx tell their stories. Whether they be specifically about police brutality or just regular existence. Black lives matter and we can’t have equality until we recognize they do.

I also hope that following this story can be a bit of an escape for people during this onslaught of pandemic and protesting. And it’s okay to need that too.

October 15, 2019

November 9, 2019

“Hyung?”

Hansol is surprised that Jihoon is actually calling him. Not that he and Jihoon don’t get along, but the man prefers texting than actual verbal conversation. 

“Yeah, hey.”

Hansol can hear a nervous inflection in Jihoon’s voice, also unusual. “Uhm… you okay, hyung? Everything good?”

“Everything’s fine. Sort of. I think, anyway.” Jihoon clears his throat. “I was just wondering if…” Jihoon hesitates to finish his sentence. He quickly sputters out if something was going on that he was unaware of.

“Uh, what do you mean?” Hansol asks.

“Just that…” Jihoon sighs. “Is she okay?”

Hansol now understands why Jihoon is acting so uncharacteristically nervous over the phone and also why the man is calling him of all people. “Noona? She’s just been having a bad week.”

“Are you sure? Because she’s denied every opportunity for me to visit or for her to visit and she’s never done that before.”

Hansol hums, returning to his homework. They’re working on stage blocking and lighting in class. “Yeah, I’m sure. Noona goes into these… we’ve decided to call them her “weekly puddles”.” He must sense Jihoon’s confusion. “Puddles make her anxiety cute. I don’t know. She’s the one who wanted to call it that. Anyway, she forewarns us when she’s started dipping into it and she’s usually pretty good at working it all out herself. She should be back to normal in a few days.”

“So I should be concerned?”

“Well, yeah. You should be. But… if she doesn’t reach out to you, then I’d let her do her thing.”

“If she doesn’t reach out to me?”

“Seungkwanie and I haven’t worked out the best approach to tackle it. Noona doesn’t really tell us what she needs. She’s gets really snappy when we try.”

“I don’t know if this conversation has made me feel better or not.”

“You can just go visit her,” Hansol suggests. “If you’re really that worried about her.”

From the quickness of Jihoon’s agreement, Hansol wonders if the man just needed someone to confirm his idea.

Jihoon hangs up the phone and quickly calls Seungkwan as he collects his keys and wallet. He debates bringing his laptop as he has a few songs to finish up, but foregoes it. As he throws one of his oversized sweaters over his bare chest, he calls, “Gyu, I’m just going to—”

“The girlfriend’s house!” Mingyu calls from his room. “About time!”

Jihoon scowls as he slips his slides on. Seungkwan finally answers as he locks the door.

“Hey, hyung,” Seungkwan sings.

“I’m coming over.”

“Okay… why didn’t you just tell noona?”

“Because she’s been saying that she’s not in the mood to see me, so I just want to make sure she’s okay.”

“Oh.” Seungkwan is quiet.

“I won’t stay,” Jihoon says. “I just want to make sure she’s okay.”

Seungkwan’s lackluster responses are making Jihoon nervous, but he trusts his own gut on this one. Seungkwan agrees to let him up. 

The ride to their apartment sends his mind into a flurry, each idea darker than the last as to why she’d be upset.

Once inside the apartment, however, everything seems normal. The white of their walls are lit with the dining room lamp as Seungkwan does homework at the dining table. Her backpack sits on the chair opposite Seungkwan, her mess of notes and her laptop present on the table, but she’s nowhere to be seen. The light underneath her bedroom is off and Jihoon lifts an eyebrow in Seungkwan’s direction.

Seungkwan can only shrug as he slips back into his seat.

Gingerly, Jihoon knocks on the door twice before turning the knob. When he pokes his head in, he notes the lump on her bed. He figures maybe she’s sleeping until he gets closer and sees the light of her phone illuminating her face.

“Jagi,” he whispers.

She jumps and turns back. Her phone illuminates her face, catching the tearstains on her cheeks. 

Jihoon blinks. He hadn’t expected her to be crying. In the near year they’ve been together, he’s never seen her cry.

“Shit, why are you here?” She quickly sits up and swipes at her cheeks. Jihoon stares down at her as she rolls over on her bed to turn on one of her bedside lamps. The soft glow of the lamp shows how disheveled she actually is.

“I… I wanted to check on you since it felt like you were making all these excuses not to see me.”

She crosses her arms over her chest, sniffling. “I wasn’t making excuses.”

Jihoon nods his head slowly. This side of her he’s never seen before and he isn’t sure how to handle it. He looks down at the empty space on the side of her bed. “Is it okay if I sit?”

She nods.

Jihoon sits and studies her. She won’t look at him, as if that will prevent him from hearing her sniffling or noticing her red-rimmed eyes. “What… what’s wrong, jagi?”

She swallows hard. They’d agreed on honesty at the start of their relationship, to be as open as they could be because he was so bad at communicating. By being open and honest, there was no room for confusion. But she can’t lie if she doesn’t speak either.

“Jagi…”

She leans her head back against the wall. It’s almost if a mask slips and Jihoon can see every emotion. Carefully, he crawls closer to her on the bed and sits by her side. He doesn’t touch her, deciding to let her take it at her own pace this time.

“I didn’t want you to come over, because I know this kinda stuff makes you uncomfortable,” she chokes out.

Jihoon frowns. “What?”

She motions to her face. “All of this. The crying and the irrational pain and…” She covers her face and groans. “God, it just doesn’t make sense and I have trouble explaining it. And you just…” Her hands leave her face and she reaches for one of his. “I love you so much and I don’t want you to think I can’t talk to you, but…”

“But you can’t,” he murmurs. Jihoon squeezes her fingers gently.

“But—”

“No buts. I want to be here to support you. I might not understand, but you can talk. I would never judge.”

She suddenly bursts into tears again and she tries to cover her face from him, but he keeps a firm grip on her hand. Jihoon moves closer to put an arm around her and waits for her to react. She leans into him and he pulls her into his chest, wrapping her in his arms. One of her arms goes over his stomach and he lets her cry against him.

God, he hates stuff like this. He hates crying, whether it’s him or someone else.

But instead of disgust, he feels protective. When her breath gets shaky, he runs a hand through her hair. She has to slide her other arm behind him to get comfortable. Jihoon presses kisses to the top of her head.

“Do you wanna sleep?” he murmurs against her hair.

She nods her head, her weight falling further into him. Jihoon wiggles a little to get comfortable. Then he listens to her breathing, shaky and punctuated with hiccups, until it slows.

Next: November 14, 2019

[the-last-airbadger]

My 2020

Hey y’all. So 2020 happened. That was a thing. Apparently. I know for a lot of people this year was uhm… pretty shit… but it was still a year that happened so it’s time for my annual reflection post (probably the only time I still post about myself on tumblr lol) and maybe we might even find some good things that happened this year!

 The Beginning of 2020 vs Now

So, a lot has changed since the start of the year. A pandemic happened, for one. I can’t believe that a year ago I could still go to class every day and see my friends and now I’m pretty much stuck at home every day. The year started out pretty normal and then march happened and well, you all know what happened next. The worst part about the pandemic for me personally was probably the fact that I barely see my friends anymore and I can’t go to class every day. Some people may not think that not going to class is that bad, but I really enjoyed university more than I ever enjoyed school and I was really happy going there every day, and I was already sad I’d only have 4 to 5 years to spend there, so when that period got even shorter it made me kinda sad.

On the other hand, I do think that mentally I’m in a much better place than I was last year around this time. Being home this much really gave me time to reflect and work on my issues, and because my sister was stuck in our house for a couple of weeks I got to talk to her a lot which really helped me feel better. I think in general my entire family (my brother, sister and mom) have become a lot more open with each other which I think is great! I guess quarantine can have some benefits.

 The Best Things about 2020

Okay, here’s is where we’re going to get even more positive and go over all the good things that happened (to me) this year! To be honest, most of the year was a bit of a blur so I probably will forget quite a bit, but I’m going to give this a try anyway. At the start of the year (when things were still normal) I was super excited to get into the next semester, as the one before had,,, kinda sucked, and those 6 weeks of class I had at the start of the year were really great. I remember me and my friends having a competition of who could get mentioned the most in our teacher’s powerpoint presentation so those classes were always interesting. I also finally got to dye my hair for the first time with the help of my friends. I’ve been wanting to do that for so long, and I’m so happy I finally got to do it! I even know how to do it myself now, and my hair hasn’t been brown since the start of march! Then, at the start of march, my dad and stepmother moved away and I permanently moved in with my mom. Before, I used to live with both my mom and my dad and I got really really sick of switching houses every week, so to finally live in one house and have all my stuff in one place was a bit of a relief to me, and I’m still really happy with it. After that, things become a bit blurry. I remember that at the start of quarantine in … April? I watched Sex Education or the first time, which is now not only one of my favourite shows ever, but also taught me a lot and helped me with some of the issues I was dealing with. We’ll skip over the subsequent sexuality crisis I had (I think I might actually be straight??), and skip straight to the summer, when I started watching I-Land. I watched every episode as it aired live, and because of this show my Fridays really became the highlight of the week. I don’t think I’ve ever been so invested in a survival show XD. The rest of the year was mostly just me spending time with myself. It got a bit lonely sometimes, but I also don’t think I’ve ever written as much as I have this year, and my drawing has significantly improved (if I may say so myself)! Especially towards the end of the year, when I started making a planning every day to prevent myself from wasting away all my time on youtube, I got super productive, and I wrote a lot, and made a lot of art, and I really felt good. I even started (gasp) working out. Yeah I know. Shocking right.

There was also a lot of good music that was released this year, and, to close this section on a great note, through one of my classes I finally found a group of friends to play D&D with! We haven’t actually played yet, but we will, and I’m so excited to play the game and get to know these people more! They all seem really kind!

 My Resolutions for 2020?

Now, here’s the part where we check whether I actually reached all the goals I set myself for 2020. As usual, I have no idea what my resolutions were, so I honestly have no idea how I did. Let’s see, shall we?

Express my feelings more (as in I get really awkward in any sappy or mushy situation but I would like to be able to tell people I appreciate them without cringing) – UHM way to attack me on the very first resolution jeez. I did get more open with my family but I still can’t tell people I care about them without cringing so this is a fail lol

Again, learn to depend less on other people’s opinion and trust my own – I’ve been working on it, I think I’ve gotten a bit better? So win?

Get my sleeping schedule back on track – did that! It’s a bit whacky again now because of the holidays, but October and November were a big success regarding this resolution

WRITE MORE. This time I’ll make some concrete goals: Either I’ll get my story’s first draft done, or I’ll write 100 pages on a single project – okay, so here’s the thing. I don’t think I did any of these particular things, however this time I am 100% sure I wrote a lot more than the past years. I cannot count all the files and pages and notes I have now, but I wrote a lot, so I’m counting this as a win

I want to try NaNoWriMo (not necessarily in November, but at some point) – yeah, didn’t do that oops

I want to read a lot again but maybe not as much as this year because I want to focus on writing too. 40 books? – 49 books babey

Read all my current unread books (Aru Shah 2, Skullduggery Pleasant 9, Gemina, The Mistborn Trilogy and Call Down The Hawk) and finish my reread of Heroes of Olympus and the Raven Cycle) – Did all of these except Skullduggery Pleasant 9 (the start was so boring I decided not to read it all) and The Mistborn Trilogy (I am about halfway through the first book I think?) so I’m counting this as half a win

Finally read a book by V.E. Schwab (I’ve been wanting to try one of her books for ages) – Did that! Read a whole trilogy. It was good but not as great as I expected them to be. I think my expectations were too high though

Finish Playing Twilight Princess (I promised my brother) – Did that! I’m really proud of myself and so is my brother

Go. Swimming. Seriously. It’s scandalous that I still haven’t done that after waiting so long to be able to – IT’S BEEN 5 YEARS SINCE I LAST WENT SWIMMING WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. I did buy new swimshorts but I still haven’t actually used them… shame on me

Try to worry less about school and not overwork myself – kinda?

Maybe try another drawing challenge somewhere this summer? I haven’t done any of those in a while and I feel like my art needs more attention – okay, so I didn’t do that, but I did at the start of the year make the resolution to make portrait/photoshoot-like drawings for my 8 main oc’s, and I did actually manage to finish that, and they are some of the best drawings I’ve ever made, so though I haven’t actually done a challenge specifically, I did do something

I want to try a 24 hour readathon – Yeah, didn’t do that oops

I kinda want to learn a piano piece as well, but I already have so many hobbies I want to focus on so I don’t know if I’ll have the time ☹ – yeah my dad sold our piano so… fail XD

 Expectations for 2021

Now, after last year I think it’s safe to say we can never really know what to expect. But! I’m going to guess anyway because it’ll be really fun to see next year whether I got anything right.

The first thing that I think will probably happen this year (if I don’t majorly mess anything up) is I’ll be writing my thesis next semester, and then in the summer I’ll get my bachelor’s degree. Honestly I can’t believe how fricking fast those 3 years went, but I guess I’ll just have to roll with it lol. Corona vaccinations will also probably start happening next year, and hopefully this will mean that going outside and seeing my friends will be possible again next year – at least a lot more than it was this year. I hope 2021 will be the year of hanging out with friends and getting to live a little again. Maybe even get to go to class. That would be great.

On to more minor – but no less exciting – things, 2021 will probably bring us a new season of Sex Education! I’m sooo excited for that holy shit. And, in a similar vein, I have high hopes for kpop releases now that SHINee is finally back, and it looks like Haseul is also returning to LOONA! 2021 will also be the year in which ENHYPEN makes their first comeback, and some of the other I-LAND contestants will also make their debut, and there might even be a new season of I-LAND as well in the summer? So there’s a lot of things to look forward to. Oh, and I almost forgot, Dan Howell’s book will be released in May, and there will be a new Grishaverse book, and the Shadow and Bone show will start airing, which I am really curious about. Again, lots of things to look forward to!

 2021 Resolutions

I’m not feeling as ambitious as I was last year, but there are a couple of things I want to try and do, so let’s jump into the resolutions!

I just came up with this today, but I think I want to try and build a bit of a skincare routine? The skin on my nose is kinda flakey, and I think it couldn’t hurt to try and take better care of my skin

Keep up with my daily workouts. I want to work out every day, except when I’m at my dad’s or when it’s a special day, like Christmas or something.

Be able to do either 50 push-ups on my knees, 25 normal push-ups, or both

GO SWIMMING

Keep up with planning daily! It’s a really good way to balance all of my 3195 hobbies and it helps me to not get stressed about school

Write (almost) every day. I need to make it a habit

Draw at least once a week, every other day if possible

Go outside at least once a week. That doesn’t seem very hard but with corona I did not realise how little I go outside if I am not forced to. Sometimes I spend 3 weeks without going out and I don’t even notice it. That can’t be good for me lol

Try to make healthier food choices. Maybe follow the lunch meal plan of the guy whose workout videos I follow.

Get my bachelor’s degree

Grow a beard. I’m getting closer… I know I’m getting closer…

Meet with my frIENDS and give them the alBUMS I have for them

Be more careful with my money, maybe even save a bit of money

Spend less time on social media

Read more educational books

I think that’s it! I can’t think of anything else right now so these will have to do. I wish that 2021 will treat all of you much better than whatever mess 2020 was! Happy 2021!

Last year’s post: (x)

@the-official-pentacorn @asiandutchgirl

[kathyprior4200]

Helluva Hotel/Hazbin Boss (Parody)

HELLUVA HOTEL (PILOT) October 82, 9102

 THE PILOT IS HERE!

 Starring the incredible talents of Wat-is Dis, Irma Imp, Johnny Hazbin and Red Doe 666.

 In HELL, Imps are the lowest of the low in society, but what happens when one starts a hotel and recreation business? This happens!

 Follow Blitzo (the “o” is silent) as he pursues his seemingly impossible goal to help demons peacefully express themselves to reduce the mockery of lower class sinners…plus the exterminations of fellow demons by Exterminators and a rival Heaven group. After a yearly extermination and having his previous office set on fire, Blitzo opens a hotel complete with an office for himself. He hopes that patients will become better individuals, grow to appreciate the imps and support Blitzo’s love of musicals and murder. While most of Hell mocks his goals and dreams, his father and his fellow employee Moxxie mocks it doubly so. Moxxie’s wife, erotic dancer and test subject Millie stick by their sides. When a grumpy Hellhound entity known as “Moonlight Howl” Loona reluctantly reaches out to Blitzo to help in his endeavors, his crazy dream is given a chance to become reality.

    HAZBIN BOSS (PILOT) November 52, 9102

 THE PILOT IS HERE!

 Starring the incredible talents of Blonde Disney Princess In Inferno, SJW Aggressor Moth, Porny Horny Spider Boi, Diabolic Deer Daddy, Gambling Grumpy Cat and Maid of DisHonorly Lust.

 Follow Charlie, the princess of Hell as she attempts to run a hybrid rehabilitation/killing residence in a very competitive market and careless chaotic society. She is the head of D.E.M.O.N. (Denizens End Misery Or Not) in correlation to I.M.P. (Immediate Murder Professionals)

 She has help from her weapons specialist Vaggie, her powerhouse Angel Dust and torturer/receptionist Alastor. With the help of an ancient book obtained by one of the rich Eldritch family members, they manage to make their work possible by killing humans at the requests of their demon clients, sending them to the Magne Hotel to be tortured, redeemed or be stimulated by endless entertainment. They also attempt to survive each other while trying to keep their business afloat.

 But a rival company exists as well in correlation to C.H.E.R.U.B (Cherish Human Existence Revive U Back): A.N.G.E.L. (All Nobody’s Get Extended Life) a.k.a. they reincarnate people so they have a chance to life their human lives, worship God, and not have to endure the forced rehab program.

   The scene opened up with “Red Doe 666 Presents…” as shadow curtains opened…

 Against a white background designed with eyes, a shadowy figure of Blitzo was seen riding a horse with horns and a spiked tail.

 Blitzo was heard singing:

 “Here I am…this is me.

There’s nowhere else in Hell I’d rather be

Here I am…what am I to do?

I hope someday I can make my dreams come true

It’s a new world, it’s a new start

Alive with the screaming and the fresh hearts

It’s a new day, it’s a new plan

And it’s waiting for me

Here I am”

 A shadowy pentagram glowed and the camera moved down, showing shadowy figures of humans being killed by the three imps with weapons.

A shadow figure of Blitzo looked up at the princess and Lucifer, his face downcast. He wished for a better life, but Lucifer looked down on him as common dirt. Blitzo then turned to the right and encountered a silhouette of his father and mother. Blitzo appeared to try and reason with them, but they both pointed in the other direction. Blitzo sadly turned around, his parents not listening to him.

 The city spun within a glowing white pentagram as white angels holding spears surrounded it. Imp City appeared to be burning as shadows of other denizens turned their backs on it.

 “Why have I always been a failure?

What can they reason be?

Why don’t they see they can’t take me?

Why don’t they know I long to be free?”

 Blitzo stood small and downcast under a towering horned silhouette of his imp father, Donner, yellow critical eyes glowing. Black tendrils made the screen go black. A spinning globe appeared with white eyes blinking at it. Silhouettes of Exterminators later posed with swords and bloodstained bodies around them. Each of them had an x over their right eyes and creepy grins on their faces.

 The next scenes showed Imp City in disrepair, weapons and bodies littering the streets. The Pentagram moon stood out in the crimson sky. Homeless demons sat in despair under ripped cardboard boxes, with “Satan Bless,” signs around them. One old store read: “Tricksters and Trades,” another said “Pimp Imps: Strip Club.” The most prominent building was metallic with black and white stripped horns extending out for decoration.

 Blitzo slowly walked out from the building onto a balcony. He leaned on a railing, briefly brushing his hand against his face. He was wearing his usual tattered navy blue work suit with orange pink buttons and a red undershirt with a pink straw pin with a face on it. He was also wearing silver cowboy boots.

 Blitzo picked up a trumpet and blew a bugle sound, the notes echoing throughout the area, signaling that it was safe for the other imps to come out. The imps opened their windows and peered out from behind alleyways. Blitzo stared at his phone and the clock tower in the live video on it read “365 days until next cleanse.”

 The title then appeared: “Welcome to the Helluva Hotel.”

 A car barreled through an open portal and ran over a poor imp before screeching to a stop. A red imp with wild black hair stepped out, a bloodstained knife sheathed at her side.

 “Wow that was some kill, thank for the backup sweetie,” said a male imp, Crosser. Both of them had just finished killing their target via a runaway chase. Crosser had dreamed of crossing over to the human world, and had wanted to run the human man over after the man had killed one of his sinner friends.

 Millie shut the door, wearing her usual black tank top, torn black pants and black collar around her neck. Her horns were shirt and black with small white stripes on them.

 “Yeah, listen, I don’t want to let word out that I’ve been helping random clients with unusual requests for their targets. It was just a quick cash grab, you got it?”

 She smiled with large doe eyes.

 “Whatever you say, slut,” Crosser remarked with a laugh that followed.

 “Wow how rude can you be?” she exclaimed. She leaned in dangerously close. “Let me know who you find something better to call me, you scrawny runty pack of bird shit. Tell the boys at the club I said hi.” She blew him a kiss before stepping back. He grumbled and drove away before his car crashed with a sideways flip.

 Millie strolled along the sidewalk and grabbed someone else’s stick of rotten candy.

 “Hey!” the imp yelled as Millie ran off with a giggle. “You snooze you lose, sucker!”

 She couldn’t wait to tell Blitzo of her successful day.

   Later, Moxxie and Stolas were busy helping Blitzo prepare for his big speech. Moxxie was straightening up his navy blue jacket, while Stolas was massaging his horns. They were in Stolas’ room and the meeting would take place in front of the palace.

 “Do you remember what to say, sir?” Moxxie asked Blitzo.

 Blitzo smiled and stood up straight. “Yes, let’s do this!”

 Stolas smiled as well, wiggling his eyebrows. “Just look at me if you’re nervous.”

 “Come on guys, I know what to say!” Blitzo exclaimed. “I just feel like we need to…I don’t know, make things sound more exciting…”

 He randomly played with bobble-heads of Moxxie and Millie before tossing them aside. Then he gasped, getting an idea.

 “What if I…”

 “Sing a song about it?” Moxxie asked with a huff of annoyance.

 “Exactly Moxxie! Now you’re starting to get the hang of things around here!”

 Stolas playfully poked Blitzo’s face, while Blitzo and Moxxie responded with grimaces.

 “Please don’t sing,” Moxxie chided to his boss. “This is serious.”

 “Well you know…” Blitzo said, climbing on top of Stolas’ dresser, knocking things down, “I do find I’m better at expressing my goals through song!”

 “Blitzy, stop knocking over my belongings!” Stolas puffed up his feathers in anger.

 Moxxie glared at Blitzo as he walked over. “Life isn’t a musical, sir. Even if it were, yours would be so atrocious, not even Vox would allow it on that unwatched channel!”

 “Then I’ll just have to use more of your salaries to release a better jingle,” Blitzo responded with a glare and sneer. He reached over for his plastic cup of iced coffee and downed several gulps of the light brown and white liquid. He sighed in content after he finished. Stolas made a disgusted face as some splashes of the drink spilled onto the floor.

 “I’d be more than happy to watch it,” Stolas replied to him. “In fact, I could watch you all day in any form…”

 “Oh please,” Blitzo scoffed at Stolas. “Get over that one time thing already. My credibility is at risk of being lost here!”

 Moxxie folded his arms and opened his mouth in frustration. “Your credibility? What about I.M.P.? You’re just making it look like a fucking joke!” He took a breath and pinched his nose briefly. “We are still a company, even if…things have changed a bit…”

 None of them could forget when someone “accidentally” set their office on fire, and had to start over with several tasks.

 Blitzo grinned and pulled out a piece of paper. “Oh, I have these other ideas of what to say. The highlighted bits are the best parts.”

 Moxxie took the paper, and scanned it in disbelief. “It’s all highlighted. Are these drawings?”

 “Yep!” Blitzo affirmed, pointing to the paper. On it were several drawings of horses of different sizes, colored in with brown, gray, white and black crayons. The drawings looked like those that a child would do. Beside the horses were several names labeled for each one: Thumbtack, Bottlecap, Stapler, Live Wire and Toothpick. The list read: I.M.P. History, Why Blitz Is The Best, Jingle Suggestions, and Ending Song. At the bottom was a crude drawing of Blitzo on a stage, dancing with Moxxie, Millie, and Loona as dead humans with xs on their eyes and tongues out piled up around them. Nearby, imps and demons tossed them money and flowers.

 Blitzo’s eyes were shining in wonder. “See! That’s the ultimate goal! Everyone’s happy and appreciating us. And we still get to kill to our hearts’ content.”  

 “It’s not that simple, sir!” Moxxie groaned with a face-palm. “Just follow the talking points we went over.” He grabbed hold of Blitzo’s collar. “And Do. Not. Sing.”

 “Whatever,” Blitzo said as he shoved Moxxie off him. “If not that, then I can always do my improv skills.”

 Blitzo saluted and walked out of the room, while the others followed. They were soon outside the palace near a round table where several owls had tea one time. There was a camera crew and several imps taking pictures. Blitzo took his seat in a chair, while Stolas stood regally nearby. Millie grinned and gave Blitzo a thumbs up. Loona slouched in a chair and shot avatars of Moxxie and Husk in an app game on her phone.

 “Hi I’m Blitzo,” said the imp to a wealthy demon with white tentacle hair, gray-green skin and a pink dress with fur and matching heels. Her gray skinned brother wore a green suit and a green top hat decorated with living yellow eyes and teeth around the brim.

 “Helsa Von Eldritch,” she deadpanned. “I’d say it’s a pleasure to meet you but that’d be a lie. You can put your hand away. I don’t touch imps and sinners. I have standards.”

 Blitzo withdrew his hand. “How’s that working out for you, Hel?”

 “Be glad that I’m letting you live after you so rudely forgot to address me as Lady Helsa Von Eldritch,” She fluffed her hair. “My time is money and no one really wants you here. You’re only here because Charlie forgot to show up for Hell’s Royal Vogue fashion segment. One that features me as the favorite, obviously.”

 Nearby were magazines that showed Sevaithan, Helsa, Octavia and Charlie wearing fancy clothing while their faces were obscured under wide brimmed hats. Seviathan wore his usual green top hat with eyes on it and fancy green suit. Octavia wore a dress of black, Helsa’s was pink and Charlie’s was apple red in the pictures.

 “But…” Blitzo began, before Helsa cut him off.

  “So don’t get cocky with me clown or I’ll fucking strangle you.” She bared her sharp teeth as Blitzo silently gulped. Helsa sat down in her seat, painting her sharp nails.

 “And I thought that bratty kid was a piece of shit,” Blitzo thought to himself.

 Blitzo spotted Stolas’ daughter Octavia with her mother sitting in high throne-like chairs at an adjacent table.

 “How’s it going, Via?” Blitzo called.

 “Good until you showed up,” she replied in a British accent.

 “Oh!” Stolas added. “We should all go on a family trip to Loo Loo Land sometime! I’ll bring some balloons and popcorn if you want.”

 “That place reeks of corporate shame,” Octavia scoffed in her seat. “It’s just a rip off of Loo Loo World, anyway. Besides, I would much rather hang out with Helsa than die of embarrassment again.”

 “So…you friends with her or not?” Blitzo asked in confusion.

 Octavia rolled her eyes and retorted. “You and my father still a thing?”

 “Blitzo,” warned the white owl queen Melodia, mentioning to the waiting crew.

Blitzo took his seat near Helsa and Seviathan, the two wealthy Eldritch siblings.

 “Right,” Blitzo said, straightening his clothes and looking at the cameras.

 “Hi, I’m Blitzo, the “o” is silent and I’m the founder of I.M.P. Are you a piece of…”

 Moxxie shook his head and mouthed, “Not an ad.”

 “…shit.”

 Blitzo took a deep breath, his smile fading a little. “As most of you know, I was born here in Hell, and growing up, I’ve always tried to see the good in everything around me. Hell is my home and…”

 A stray feather floated in front of Blitzo’s nose, causing the imp to sneeze.

 “…some you are my clients, so I suppose I should try to be more concerned about you. We just went through another Extermination.”

 Millie gave him two thumbs up.

 Blitzo continued. “We’ve lost so many souls, including homeless people, and it breaks my heart to see other imps and hellhounds being slaughtered every year. Same goes for sinners. I mean, they brought it on themselves mostly, but then again, if there were no demons around, then there would be no business for me to run.”

 Sudden anger sparked in his golden eyes. “In our society, imps are not even given a chance!”

 He pounded his fist on the table, spilling his coffee drink all over his jacket. He swore and tried to lick some of it off. Stolas arrived and quickly wiped the stains off as much as he could. Blitzo brushed the owl prince away before continuing.

 “Imps are the lowest of the low? Why is that? Because we’re somehow poorer than sinners? We’re lesser in numbers so imps and hellhounds can be called to service by random strangers anytime they wish? How are imps somehow lower than sinners, who are supposedly lower than the elite hellborn? I mean, imps are born in Hell…shouldn’t we get the proper treatment we deserve? I’m the founder of the most well-known company in Imp City, along with access to the human world, no less! That should definitely count for something! I cannot stand idly by while the place I live is subject to such judgement and death.”

 Blitzo continued… “So, I’ve been thinking…isn’t there a better way to hinder ignorance, and in my case, hinder the lower ratings for my company? Isn’t there a more alternative way to change clients and souls through…recreation? Well I think yes, and that is what my project aims to achieve! Ladies and gentlemen, I’m expanding on my company and making…a conjoint hotel to encourage self-expression and I.M.P. appreciation!”

 Blitzo spread out his arms at the table. He then muttered nervously at the confused faces. “You know…cause when demons learn to appreciate us more and be somewhat nicer…we won’t have to worry about those blasted Cherubs or the angels coming after us…”

 “Angels?” laughed an imp as he watched Blitzo on TV. “Is that imp for real? Oh he’s nuts!”

 Blitzo went on…”and those who come and cheer for me at my musicals will receive a 15% discount the next time they need my gang to kill people! Yay!”

 “Stupid clown,” mocked an imp before Millie punched the cameraman right in the face, sending him off the stool.

 Blitzo looked around in concern. “Look, I know that each and every one of you has something good inside you. I know you do.”

 Then he smirked, getting an idea. “Maybe I’m not getting through to you…”

 He mentioned to his black haired imp sisters Tilla and Barbie Wire, who suddenly walked in view of the camera, wearing black and pink circus outfits.

 Moxxie face-palmed with an “oh no.”

 Blitzo began his song while standing on the table…

 “I have a dream, I’m here to tell

About a wonderful new I.M.P. hotel

Yes it’s one of a kind

Right here in Hell

Catering to bloodthirsty clientele”

 Blitzo’s sisters provided harmonizing vocals.

 “When you want somebody gone

And you don’t wanna wait too long

Call the Immediate Murder Professionals

Your vengeance gone wrong?

Are you looking for a song?

At my new hotel, we won’t do you wrong

 I.M.P. just wait and see

Embrace you inner demons and live free

But we expect, to treat us with respect

Or we’ll have to break your neck

 Yes it’s hard to learn to be good

But to escape stressful lives, you know you would

Give us some green and don’t be mean

This’ll be greatest show you’ve ever seeeeeen!

 Don’t feel blue

We provide service to you

There’s no room for inner strife

When we could have a better life

 There will be no more loss

And there will be no more schemes

Just horsey-horse nuzzles and iced coffee dreams

And traveling a better way

You’ll be like “Yay!”

Once you check in with meeee

 We do or job so well

Cause we come straight up from Hell

We make your troubles go away

And you can find a place to stay

Via the Immediate Murder Professionals

Kids die for Freeeee!”

 Blitzo and his sisters ended with poses on the table.

 One demon with one eye said “Wow! That was shit!”

 Everyone except Blitzo, Tilla, Barbie Wire, Moxxie, Loona, Millie, and Stolas burst into laughter. Blitzo buried his face in his hands on the table, while Millie fired her gun at the crew. Moxxie booed at Blitzo.

 Helsa Von Eldrich sneered at the imp, her brother next to her.

 “What in the Nine Circles of Hell makes you think people would give two shits about becoming a better person? You have no proof that this experiment even works. You want people to be good and pay attention to your measly company just…because?”

 “Well,” Blitzo argued, “I have an employee already who’s dedicated to my cause.”

 “And who might that be?”

 “Oh just someone named…Millie. Oh and we also have a new guest coming as well…Mimzy!”

 Seviathan glanced over and asked, “The flapper girl?” He had previously dated Charlie but would occasionally mess and flirt with sinner girls to mess with them. Mimzy’s fame had appealed to him.

 “You fucking would, Sevia!” Helsa bared her teeth. “Anyway, I bet that girl wouldn’t bat an eye to your company unless you had a million souls.”

 “Admit it, Blitzo,” added Sevia. “You and your gang of imps are dead to us and to Hell. How does it feel being a total failure?”

 The sibling snobs cackled at a hurt Blitzo.

 “Yeah, well how does it feel that your ex loves a sinner over you, huh? Bastard bitch?!”

 Sevia and Blitzo managed to yell and land a few punches before they were forcefully separated via Stolas’ bird guards. The meeting ended abruptly on the spot. Blitzo and his companions felt dejected on their way back to the office. Stolas had generously given Blitzo some money to add another connecting hotel building with rows of rooms, a stage and a bar.

 The three imps arrived at their building and after filling out some paperwork, they met in a lobby of the separate building. There were pictures along the walls of the I.M.P. members. Blitzo posing with his sisters after performing at a circus. Blitzo holding a puppy Loona lovingly. Moxxie and Millie in wedding attire, the couple gazing lovingly at each other. Millie and Moxxie sitting with a large Apple mascot for Loo Loo Land, Moxxie crying in fear and discomfort.

 Millie walked over to the fridge and pulled out a box of popsicles. She happily sucked and ate a black raspberry one.

 “You know you might as well get more food for this place,” Millie mentioned to Blitzo. “To feed all the wayward souls in this place.” She giggled and added, “I can help organize the car wash while you search the fridge for spoiled butter!”

 Blitzo just sat dejectedly on a wooden crate of booze. Millie considered comforting him, but Moxxie gave her a look and shook his head. Millie sighed and followed her husband to let Blitzo be alone. Blitzo stepped outside and called a familiar person on his hell phone. The label read “Stolas, a.k.a. One Night Stand Bird Dick.”

 “Hey Stolas, it’s me.”

 “Hello Blitzy, how may I entertain you tonight?”

 “No you really don’t have to.”

 “Perhaps a show that can make up for today’s broadcast?”

 “Yeah about that, I…don’t think I’m making a difference. I mean, I’m lucky to be alive after the Extermination but, everyone thought my plan was stupid.”

 “Perhaps unusual,” Stolas mentioned. “Redeeming and trying to change demons is like trying to freeze Hell’s fires. It’s just not possible.”

 “Not that I want to do it completely…but if things keep going wrong, I’ll lose my company and maybe even my families’ lives from those in Heaven.”

 Stolas squawked with laughter. “Don’t tell me you’re scared of those flying cherubs and sheep?”

“Fuck that! Those dancing revivers are annoying pieces of shit trying to interfere with my hard work.”

 “How about this way, C.H.E.R.U.B. or whatever those things are, revive humans so you have more humans to kill later on!”

 “But having to kill the same people again and again? How boring is that! I.M.P. needs more variety, less repetition. Thumbtack, my horse, agrees.”

 “Didn’t you tell me about how you killed that bratty kid twice?”

 “It was Moxxie and then me but that’s not the point. If this company goes out of business, then I’ll never get the chance to live my musical theater dreams.”

 “Don’t be sad, Blitzy,” said Stolas. “You have your associates and you also have me. I’ll make sure no one messes around with you.”

 “I think my dad was…right about me…”

 “You’re no failure Blitzy. He can hardly call himself a father to you. And if he ever tries to make you lonely and bring you down because of your goals…”

 Stolas then ranted on with a series of curses and a lot of cringe-worthy sentences. Blitzo laughed nervously.

 “If this is your way of trying to get into bed then I ain’t having it.”

 “No, not this time.”

 “Okay then. Thanks for the advice.”

 “Anytime.”

 “Good bye.”

 Blitzo hung up by tapping on the phone screen. He wiped tears from his eyes as he headed back inside. He leaned against the door, eyes closed, frustrated and fatigued.  

  Just then, he heard a knock on the door. One loud knock that made it sound like someone had decided to punch the door. A smile grew on Blitzo’s face as he opened the door.

 There stood Loona in her usual gray tank top with a black downward pentagram design below her neck. Her pants with a moon on it wore torn and she wore no shoes. Her eyes flared red, her red tongue just visible among her sharp teeth.

 Blitzo beamed. “Loo…”

 Loona slammed the door hard. Blitzo opened it.

 “…ny!”

 Loona slammed it again.

 Blitzo eagerly turned to Moxxie. “Hey Moxxie!”

“What?!” asked the agitated imp.

 “Loony is at the door!”

 “What?!” Moxxie asked. “Oh?” asked Millie.

 Blitzo was cheered up. “What should I do?”

 “Don’t let her in!” Moxxie spat.

 Blitzo waltzed right to the door and opened it.

 “May I rant now?” asked the hellhound.

 “You may,” Blitzo responded.

 Loona stomped inside. “The nerve of you guys to just leave me behind like that. I mean, did you want me to sit through another segment of royalty bitching about their outfits. When my punk clothing is superior anyway. Man Blitzo, I haven’t seen anything so embarrassing since you decided to give me spiders and sleep with that privileged asshole. Heh, you were kinda pathetic.”

 She had her sharp black claws out, and her breath smelled of alcohol.

 Moxxie pointed a gun at her. “Stop right there! I know that look and I’m not gonna let you hurt anyone else here, you lunatic emo meth addicted bitch!”

 Loona just lowered the gun with her fingers. “If I wanted to hurt anyone here, I would’ve done so already.”

 She growled and bared her fangs. “Ya know, I came because…I was thinking of helping.”

 Blitzo looked confused. “Say what?”

 “I wanna help you run this place. Why not, nothing else to do.” She scoffed. “Though Blitzo, your plans are ridiculous as always.”

 “Why do you still have her around?” Moxxie shook his head. “She hardly answers the bone phone and has skipped work too many times to count!”

 “Don’t talk about her like that, she’s fine. Sometimes she has what some people would call…ruff days.”

 Loona flipped the bird before searching the fridge. “Any avocado salads here?”

 “No. I already ate mine early thanks to you eating mine last time.”

 “Nobody claimed it and besides, people like you don’t need lunch.”

 “Hey!”

 “Alright,” said Blitzo. “I’ll be happy to have you help. Just…don’t fly off the handle or get into any trouble.”

 “Fair enough, whatever.”

 The hellhound looked around. “Any hotel visitors around here?”

 Millie mentioned to a chubby short blonde haired woman reading a magazine and humming a tune. “Just Mimzy.”

 “You’re never fully dressed without a smile,” she sang.

 “Meh. Not enough. Hey Millie, any extra things you can do?”

 Millie grinned. I can snuggle you and give you kisses.”

 “Ha! No.”

 “Your loss.”

 Loona sighed. “Hang on, I’ll be right back. I can sniff you a few people who might be helpful.

 About fifteen minutes later, she came holding a squirming blue anglerfish demon in her paw. He was wearing a gray lab coat, yellow goggles and a hanging light from his small top hat.

 “This little amphibian is Baxter,” Lonna said, dropping him.

 “I-I’m Baxter,” the fish stammered. “That mutt over there just tracked me down, right when I was about to gather my ingredients for my next p-project. It’s a top secret formula that I m-must complete.” He raced around to grab more beakers, vials and a burner nearby. “It’s been a w-while since I’ve seen new people. And I don’t want to see any more. No, no, no, stay back! Back off I say!” He pointed a white shrink ray at anyone who came too close.  “If you’ll e-excuse me, I must get back to work!”

 Several moments later, not too far from headquarters, a white and red hellhound was strolling along listening to rock music on 90s headphones.  “Why am I even here?” she thought. “I can’t believe that I’m stuck in this vast scary place.” Music and a tough front hid the insecurity underneath. She received a tap on the shoulder.

 “The hell? The fuck is this?” She turned around and spotted Loona. “You!” she broke into a large toothed grin. She wore black leather, metal rings on her pointed ears and a spiked collar. Her shirt was pink red with a white skull on it. Porn magazines lined her pockets.

 “Crymini,” Loona greeted, hiding a small smile.

 “So glad to see you again, Loona,” Crymini replied. “Anything on your mind? What shall we do? Go for a drink? Vandalize a building after a smoke? Or we could chew on some bones of demons…they’re my favorite snack!”

 “I wish,” Loona rolled her eyes at the more hyper hound. “I feel somewhat obligated to help Blitzo and company recruit more people to help promote I.M.P.”

 “I think I saw commercials of it,” Crymini mentioned. “That imp killing company?”

 Loona nodded.

 “Wait…you work there too?”

“Pretty much. A receptionist. Filled to the brim with paperwork, calling clients and annoying fellow employees.”

 “Your condition still there?” Crymini asked.

 “Syphilis can go fuck itself.”

 “I wish it would for your sake and mine as well.”

 “One wouldn’t say being in a rock band is much easier, but it’s still pretty fun.”

 “I’ve seen you play guitar and sing. Pretty good I must say.”

 “Thanks! I’ll be performing at a concert later this week. Will you be there?”

 “Sure,” she replied with a shrug.

 “Let’s go to your headquarters then!”

 Blitzo, Moxxie, Millie, Loona, Stolas, Mimzy, Baxter and Crymini were soon together at the building.

 “Anyone want some booze and fresh meat?” Loona asked.

 Everyone nodded in agreement.  

 Not too far away, concealed in bushes, a figure was watching them with orange eyes. Roo, the kangaroo Australian demon. She had white skin, wild aburn hair and wore orange. A large wide brimmed dark hat concealed her face in shadow. A parasitic creature slithered from her mouth, its body covered with white spikes and eyes.

  She bared her sharp teeth, blood and liquid dropping from her mouth. One thought emitted from her head, the parasite in sync with her thoughts.

 “Feast.”

[imaginingsoftly]

It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time Pt 6 - Morgan Rielly

Type: roommates to lovers, Y/N insert shorts

Requested: No

Warnings: concussions

(Y/N = Your name, no POV change this chapter. It’s all in Morgan’s POV)

A/N: sorry it took me so long to get this out; spring sports just started at school, so I’ve been working pretty much nonstop since Valentine’s Day

85 degrees was way too warm for November, and Morgan was wishing for Toronto and it’s normal seasons right about then. It was one thing at the beginning of October, when lots of places were still warm, but now it was almost American Thanksgiving and he was still wearing shorts to and from the rink in the morning. It was time for a chill to set in, and there was still no relief from the humidity in sight. 

He was currently sitting on the patio of some Mexican place in downtown Raleigh with Svech and Hamilton, halfway listening to Hamilton describe some practical joke he was going to pull on Necas. Svech was fully invested, throwing out suggestions to make it even better, but Morgan was struggling to follow the conversation. He’d been knocked pretty hard into the boards the night before, and his head still felt fuzzy. A sharp pain flashed through his skull as Hamilton jostled him, punching his shoulder good-naturedly. “What, Mo, you too good for a prank war?” Morgan stared back at Svech. His vision was a little fuzzy, and there were one and a half Svechys staring at him. He shook his head a little bit to clear it, and Svech took that to mean no. Hamilton continued to stare at him, and Morgan could tell that his captain knew something was up. 

Hamilton held Morgan back with a hand on his chest as they were leaving the restaurant, grabbing the larger man’s arm. “Seriously man, you good? You looked like you were a million years away.” He had two options, really. He could insist that he was fine, and Hamilton would probably drop it, or he could admit he was probably concussed. 

Morgan didn’t get a chance to choose. Before he could respond Hamilton was pulling out his phone and dialing the team doctor. “We’re gonna get you a head scan. You don’t look good, man.” Morgan bit back a sarcastic reply, more than a little grateful that he hadn’t had to admit to the headache. Hamilton was practically dragging him down the street as he spoke on the phone with the physician, and Morgan was pretty sure he would have bruises on his arm from Hamilton’s grip on it. “Yeah doc, we’ll meet you down there. I’ll make sure he’s there.” Hamilton hung up as they reached Morgan’s car, and Hamilton held his hand out. “Your concussed ass is not driving anywhere right now. Give me the keys.” 

“I’m fine.” Morgan tried to argue, but the captain wasn’t relenting. “No you’re not, dumbass. Give me the keys.” Morgan sighed and threw the keys at Hamilton’s chest, throwing open the passenger door. “I don’t need to to escort me to the rink, Hamilton.”

Hamilton scoffed as he jumped into the driver’s side of Morgan’s car. “Bullshit. You wouldn’t go unless someone made you and you know it.” Morgan wanted to respond, but he knew the other man was right. The fact was, the team needed him. They were struggling as a team, the defense not where it needed to be, and they weren’t getting enough goals to make up for the number that they were allowing every game. The team couldn’t afford to have him out with a concussion, no matter how fuzzy his opponents would be. 

Thankfully they weren’t far from the rink, so the nausea that Morgan felt every time the car was in motion only lasted a few minutes. Doc was waiting for them in the evaluation room along with Rod, to Morgan’s dismay. The coach looked more like a disappointed father than a coach in that moment, and Morgan felt even worse for trying to hide his symptoms. As they all sat in that room, Hamilton thankfully sitting there for moral support, Morgan had to suppress every hockey player instinct in him in order to answer the doc’s general questions truthfully. 

Were you seeing double? Check. Are you more tired than usual? Check. Are you feeling dizzy? Check. 

The next part was the hardest. He hated the scans. Any kind of x-ray meant bad things, and a head scan could mean up to weeks off the ice. Rod and Hamilton sat with him as they waited for doc to read the scans, and Morgan couldn’t bear the silence any more. “I’m sorry, coach.” Rod slapped him on the back good naturedly. “I’m not gonna lie, kid, we’re gonna miss you on the ice.” Morgan felt his chest tighten. That’s what he was afraid of. “I wish you had said something earlier though. I’d rather you be on the tabe for a few weeks than end up out for months a little while down the road with something more serious. Heal up. We’ll hold the fort.” His coach was looking at him with that little half-smile that made him seem so approachable. Coaches just weren’t like that in the league. A quarter of the league was probably playing through some kind of undocumented concussion because their coaches were putting a ton of pressure on them to play. He had wondered what kind of coach Rod was back when he benched Svech because of a concussion in the playoffs his rookie year, because who the hell does that in the playoffs, but apparently he was just a good guy. 

It was a concussion, and a relatively serious one too. Doc said it was going to be a minimum of a week, more likely two, and he was thankful Rod was there so he didn’t have to tell him personally. Hamilton drove him home, insisting on walking him upstairs to tell Y/N what was happening because “he didn’t trust him to do it.” Y/N was sitting on the floor in the living room, typing something on her laptop surrounded by binders and paper. She was mumbling to herself, waving a mug of something as she tried to talk through whatever she was working on. 

“Red Sox!” She jumped out of her skin at Hamilton’s shout, and Morgan had to duck to avoid the mug that came flying in their direction. Hamilton caught it was a laugh, and then had to duck the marker that came flying in his direction immediately following. 

“Don’t do that!” Y/N was breathing heavy, her finger pointed threateningly at Hamilton. Morgan clapped him on the shoulder as he made his way to the couch. Y/N’s stuff thankfully hadn’t spread that far, and he was able to throw his heavy body onto the cushions. Hamilton followed behind him, resting his hands on the back of the couch. “He’s concussed,” Hamilton said. “You’re gonna need to keep an eye on him so he doesn’t do anything stupid.”

Y/N rolled her eyes and flopped back down on the couch, though Morgan didn’t miss the concerned glance she threw in his direction. “He’s a grown man, Dougie, I think he should be able to take care of himself.” Morgan held out a hand for a high five, which she slapped away. “I said should, Mo. I don’t actually trust you to do it.”Hamilton threw his head back and laughed. “She gets it, Mo. Nice try.” Him and Y/N exchanged a look, and Morgan could tell they were having a small conversation with their eyes. 

Hamilton nodded as they finished their little telepathic conversation, and he focused his attention back on Morgan. “Alrighty, Mo, I’m gonna get going. Try to keep yourself out of trouble while we’re on the road, okay?” Shit. The California swing started this weekend. Y/N answered for him, which for once he was thankful for. “I’ll keep him out of trouble. If he’s good, maybe I’ll even bring him to work with me.” They both laughed as Morgan held out both his hands to give them both the finger simultaneously. 

It could have been minutes or hours before Y/N spoke again. “You should have told me you were feeling bad.” She didn’t look up from her work, but Morgan could tell that he’d upset her. 

“I didn’t want to bother you.” It sounded fake as it came out of his mouth. That wasn’t why and she knew it.

“Bullshit. You didn’t want to sit out.” Y/N stopped typing and turned back towards him. “I know that you feel like you can’t miss time and that it’s just a concussion, but please take this seriously.” She gripped his hand from her seat on the floor. “They’ll survive. The Pacific is weak right now, and they’re gonna need you strong during their push for the cup next spring.” Morgan grinned. “You mean when they knock the Bruins out of the first round?” She smacked his side with her free hand, laughing good-naturedly. “I said push for the cup, not that they were gonna beat Boston, you goof.”

Their laughter was interrupted as the world tilted and Morgan had to focus on the feel of Y/N’s hand squeezing his to stay centered. It was the worst round of dizziness he’d faced yet, and Morgan was exercising all of his self-control not to hurl up the chips and queso he’d eaten a couple of hours before.

“Morgan?” If he opened his mouth he was gonna lose it. “Mo, hold on.” The pressure of Y/N’s hand disappeared and he tried to reach for her blindly. It felt like he was falling backwards and sideways at the same time. He heard Y/N hurry back, and she placed something metal next to him. “There’s a trashcan right here. If you need to use it, don’t hold back.” Morgan groaned in response. He felt Y/N sit on the edge of the couch next to him, and a cool hand smoothed his hair away from his forehead. “Mo, you’re burning up.” Her hand touched his cheeks and his neck, and he couldn’t tell if her hands were like ice or he was just that feverish. “Did you have a fever when your doctor was checking you?” 

“Yeah,” he said, “but doc said it should go away soon. He said it wasn’t too bad.” Morgan opened his eyes to find Y/N’s face only inches from his own, her Y/E/C eyes staring into his own intently. Morgan stared at Y/N as she placed her hand back on his forehead, groaning softly at the chill. He could tell that she was trying to be calm about his fit and the fever currently burning through his body, but the way she bit her lip and the tightness at the corners of her mouth gave her away. 

“I’m gonna get you some ice.” Y/N stood as she spoke. Her steps into the kitchen were a little faster than the already quick ones she normally took, and Morgan rubbed at his eyes to try to lessen the throbbing behind them. He laid on the couch with his eyes closed and listened to Y/N move around the kitchen preparing a bag of ice. As much as he wanted to be getting ready for the road trip, the logic side of him knew that he wouldn’t have been able to fake through this. He couldn’t even get through a lunch at a restaurant without losing it, let alone putting on the skates and taking body checks all night. He heard Y/N coming back, and a bag of ice was placed against his temples as the couch dipped under Y/N’s weight. “Can you hold that in place?” Morgan nodded, and he felt Y/N stand. 

They were silent for long enough that the ice began to melt. Morgan could hear Y/N typing on her laptop again, and he was enjoying the quiet clicking of the keys as she typed furiously. “Did you have any Thanksgiving plans?” Y/N’s question almost made him jump when it broke the quiet. “No,” he replied, “our Thanksgiving was last month.” Granted, she probably knew that, she was just trying to make conversation. Before he could correct himself, Y/N spoke again. “Oh. I wasn’t sure if you were going to enjoy dinner with the Americans on the road or if the team did something for you guys.” Morgan peeled the ice bag off of his eyes, sitting up to look at Y/N. “Did you have plans?” 

Y/N smiled. “I was planning on driving out to see my family. They live about 2 hours away. You’re welcome to come with me if you’d like; I’m sure they wouldn’t mind one more body.” Morgan smiled back at her. It was a nice idea. He hadn’t had a big family meal like that since the summertime, and it really felt like something he could use. “I would, actually, if they wouldn’t mind.” Y/N shook her head, picking up her phone. “Not at all! I’ll text my mom and let her know right now. She’ll probably be excited about it, honestly.” Despite the situation, and the huge headache throbbing behind Morgan’s eyes, Morgan couldn’t help but be excited. A family dinner, made by the person who had taught Y/N how to cook. It might be exactly what the doctor ordered.

[twilightvolt]

And so, another year has come to pass.....almost. ^  ^

Remember when i said i was branching away from Digimon back when i drew up Venom fanart? y’know, “I wanted to be more than what i used to be.” that being “a Digimon artist.”

2019 was basically just that. lots and lots and LOTS of fandom hopping.

If last year was me recovering from the pain and crippling anxiety of 2017, then this year was me finally getting up again, learning to stand up and live for myself rather than in fear of those i shouldn’t care about anymore. life still hasn’t been too kind to me even though, compared to last year, we’re in a better space. but i’ll get into more detail about that while i go through everything month by month on the clock.

Before we begin, if you’d like to see the previous years, here’s the links!

2018:https://twilightvolt.tumblr.com/post/181732950569/i-kinda-was-saving-this-for-when-i-had-the-time-to

2017:https://twilightvolt.tumblr.com/post/171806337539/a-3-month-late-art-summary-featuring-art-that-i

Might wanna grab your popcorn, my dudes. this is a long one.

January: On the Web

Coming out of 2018, things were pretty ok if i remember. i don’t remember much from this month aside from a few doodles i did like this one from when Spiderverse was the hottest thing. this was one of the last things i drew in my old style. before i decided to officially change things up in the next month.

February: Gotta Kick it Up

Pokemon Sword & Shield were announced and things were hype! oh, how things soured as the months went by. lol

But yeah, this was me taking that experimental sketchy pencil style from that Smash Bros. drawing and rolling with it all the way! it’s become my new go-to style and even though it’s still hella sketchy at times, i feel like it looks better in comparison to my old ink outlined drawings.

March: The Overdrive Dweebanoids

Oh right. my old Ben 10 phase that lasted for a millisecond in 2016 returned with a vengeance. and it was glorious. lmao

It spawned an AU that i didn’t delve into much, but if i ever get that spark for my favorite alien watch bearer, i’ll get back to it.

April: True Blue Lizard Bois

My Ben 10 streak continues and i was crankin’ out art left and right for it. i luved all the “doodle dumps” i made, but this drawing was wholesome and i picked it because of that.

To some extent, this could be a comparison between my past and my present. that being Overdrive!Ben being what, at the time, was my current obsession while Digimon!Vivi was a representation of where i used to be, back when i was starting out and entering Digimon OCTs on Deviantart.

May: Return to the Realm of Sleep ~HD ReMIX

Now THIS i feel was one of the grandest drawings i’ve done this year. hell, i even made a wallpaper out of it.

like, it was just a redraw of an old drawing from 2017. but to me, it was a way to tell me just how far i’ve come since then. and i couldn’t be happier.

This was also the month i rebooted my DA after a long time of inactivity!

....Iiiit didn’t really work much, but i’m still working on it. though i highly doubt it’s worth it considering most of the ones i used to hang with there are either people i don’t wanna associate with or people who left while i was gone. seriously, it’s a ghost town there.

June: Art Fight 2019 ~Dreams Vs. Nightmares~

Ahh, my second year of Art Fight. for this year’s event, i wanted to be a tad more grandiose. like drawing up this banner. i like being extra and stuff even if it kills my drawing hand, so yeah. lmao

...

Florida thunderstorms are friggin’ terrifying. idk HOW anyone can get used to that.

July: - BREAK DOWN -

Oookay, it was hard picking my favorite attack this year cuz i pretty much was satisfied with all of them. but i had to go with this attack because the artist i drew it for was someone i really admired for years and i’m just happy i could finally have an opportunity to draw them something. like, i luv how it came out, so yeah.

This was also the month i forced myself to finally do the thing and let go of the constant fear i felt towards certain people i used to hang with. while remembering 2017 will never NOT hurt, i can’t let that fear rule over me forever. i have to take control and not let it stop me from doing what i want. and that’s exactly what i did.

August: Ricky ~Sapphire, Emerald and AlphaSapphire

Oh yeah! after Art Fight ended, i returned to Pokemon randomly cuz i wanted to go back to my roots for a moment. revamping Ricky, formerly Ragna, and Yagami was something i’ve been meaning to do for awhile and it reignited a waning love for a series i started growing distant towards since Gen VII.

I used to really like Ricky’s old design even though i barely ever used him. but i guess this just shows how much more original i’ve gotten in terms of character design. ^  ^

September: Heartbeat Inferno

Now, i haven’t really talked much about what’s been going on life wise for most of this post, but trust me when i say irl, things weren’t really.....happening. like, it’s hard when you live (or rather, lived now) in a place with little job opportunity and you have NO experience whatsoever. the lack of progression must’ve hit something in me, so the week i drew this was me just....shifting moods, feeling everything at once. one day i’d be agitated as hell, the next i’d be so depressed i took a some odd hour nap and didn’t wanna get out of bed. like, for most of this year, i haven’t felt this stressed out and frustrated with myself. so this sudden crash was kind of....unwelcome.

But this drawing was a fresh change though, if i’m being honest. i’m not usually this uncaring about how clean the coloring job is, but i like it! i’d choose that other drawing i did for my friends’ birthdays, Skirmish at the Cable Club, but this one had a more personal drive behind it.

October: - PAPERMOON -

beastarsbeastarsbeASTARSBEASTARS--*COUGH COUGH AHEM* I MEAN....hai. :D

Continuing with my Pokemon shenanigans, i drew this big piece which was something i had in my head for years now, but never actually acted upon it cuz i always felt it was too big of an idea to work on. i’m happy i’ve managed to capture what i envisioned originally.

As for interests, i’m sure most of my current followers can deduce that i quickly shifted gears to Beastars as soon as the anime was released and so far, i regret nothing. it’s spawned a metric butt ton of new art from me and the way i see it, this phase ain’t stopping as long as this series continues. brace yourselves fam, i believe i’ve finally found the successor to my Digimon phase. lmao

Like, damn, i had a tough time choosing art for this month. i was stuck between this, - SMILE/WILD SIDE - and Slip Into Madness. so many good drawings i was satisfied with, y’know?

November: The Future is Now

I was SO planning on putting something else here, but then suddenly i just kinda had this urge to redraw that uggo gouache painting of Miyagi from highschool. and it turned out so good that i had to. like, really. lmao

As with the redraw of Dream Drop Digital’s key art, it was a reminder of how far i’ve come since then art wise. and i feel like i’ve accomplished so much this year because of it. ;w;

December: Winter Lights

And now we’re back to the present time. after over a year or so of living in Florida, we’ve moved once again back up north a bit. yet another clean slate, but things seem to be looking up despite the rather large bumps in the road the past week or so. lately i’ve been feeling that seasonal depression starting to set in, but i think i’ll be fine as long as i stay positive. cuz y’know, it’s not being happy all the time. it’s just knowing that things will get better someday.

One of the other reasons i drew this drawing was cuz i REALLY wanted to have something Beastars related on this clock. this series (and Legoshi in particular) really inspired me, so i had to leave a wedge open for my boi.

Looking back at the beginning of this decade (as 2020 would mark the next one), i realized that the 2010′s were basically me becoming more artsy. finding enjoyment for a new hobby that quickly became something i’m now more passionate about than video games which i didn’t think would EVER be the case.

Funny enough, it all started in the RP section of a little forum for an MMO called Wizard101. i was only in middle school at the time and, to tell you the truth, i had no idea i’d be going at it for this long. thought i’d just do it on the side but not really delve into the art world more.

But despite all the trips and falls, fandom drama or otherwise, i wouldn’t change anything if it meant i wouldn’t have the friends who’ve stuck by me in the aftermath of those times.

I may not be really succeeding in much, but it’s the small steps in life that matter most in the end. these past few months in particular was me getting fed up with feeling sorry for myself for not doing the things i was interested in in the past, getting over my regret and making plans for starting something new even though i know i’ll suck at first and not worrying so much about how others might perceive me.

And just like how life was changing for our resident grey wolf this first season, mine seems to be doing the same. and i believe this decade ended on a better note than i thought it would during the past couple years leading up to this.

Here’s to a new decade! ^  ^

~ For a future I want to believe in. ~

[furbyfubar]

How's Sweden? 🇪🇺🇸🇪❤️

In what context? Do you mean for the country as a whole or what? Big question...

Never mind, I get few enough asks here that I can give you a more comprehensive answer. I'll use it as an excuse to take stock of my personal trends against those of my country? Sorry not sorry for the incoming wall of text. Note, this is why you shouldn't say "How do you do?" to anyone from Sweden; we're tragically likely to give you an honest answer!

Weather for Sweden: You're UK based, so lets go by stereotypes and start with talking about the weather I suppose? It's winter, so the weather here is *usually* quickly summed up as "dark". Right now Sweden has between ~7 hours 15 minutes of time between sun up and sun down in the far south of Sweden, and "fuck you" minutes of sun on the far north, where it's currently polar night until about two weeks into January. On top the normal lack of sun, Sweden got an early Autumn this year and had less actually sunny days than usual in October and November due to clouds. So yeah, vitamin D deficiency for about 25% of the population according to my doctor. And many of the ones avoiding a deficiency are doing it by eating supplements. On a longer time scale, ”climate” not “weather”... Yeah, we’ve been having heat records broken and all that shit here the past few years as as well while having some winters be worse due to the Gulf stream being messed up..

Rating: 3.5/10  – It sucks, but it's not much worse than the expected level of suckiness?Weather for me personally: I'm based in Stockholm and we're currently at 6½h of sun up time per day, but like I said, it’s been cloudy. Not so cold so far though. The problem for me personally is that when the sun goes down at 14:52 I often miss out on the sun completely due to my fucked up sleeping patterns. Or the sun is up but covered while I’m going to work and that's it for sunlight that day. I'd likely suffer from winter depression if only I could separate it from my normal depression. We’ve had some snow that stays on the ground, but we’re somewhat surprisingly not in the hell that is streets filled with snow-water slosh yet.

Rating: 3.5/10 – I don’t think the weather sucks more or less for me than it does for the country on average. (Places north of the polar circle excluded; I would really no be able to stand months of polar night.)

Health for Sweden: Sweden made #6 on the Bloomberg 2019 Healthiest Country Index, up two positions from 2017. Up from a score of 88.92 to 90.24 out of 100, so apparently it's not just other countries having worse health, things have gotten a bit better here.Rating: 9.24/10 – Well, Bloomberg hopefully put a lot more effort into their score than I’ll ever do, so I’ll just re-scale and steal it. 

Health for me personally: I had to basically skip a year due depression and exhaustion. Not being able to work due to a non-functioning brain obviously sucks, but to bring this back to how Sweden is: Being able to be on sick leave for almost a year and thus being able to focus on getting medication that works for me and not being worried about getting evicted for not making rent is a blessing. I'm back to working part time since October while still on sick leave for 50%, trying to ease me back in to the productive work force. So far going well. If I’d been forced to somehow work or starve, or live off my parents or something instead, I’m pretty sure I’d either be much deeper in depression right now, or be dead. I’ve still not really found meds that work great for me, but I'm feeling much better than I was a year ago.

Rating: 3/10 – I'm as optimistic as a clinically depressed person gets to be.

Status politically for Sweden (as I see it personally): It's getting more fucked by the day. The Moderate party just broke their campaign promise to not cooperate with the Sweden Democrats, a party born from neo-Nazi and white power movements. For UK context, think of the British National Party. Now imagine them going from a fringe group in the '90s to getting 20% of the votes in recent polls. They've been doing this all while having a whole bunch of scandals that would've hurt or killed the credibility of any non-fascist party. They're racist, homo- and transphobic, and operate their own alternative media that have ties to Russian disinformation efforts. So yeah, as a gay guy who's seen the inside of a few history books: Outlook not great.

Rating: 2/10 – If only because it can still get worse. Think first act of Cabaret.

Love life for Sweden: Hmm, check in on satwcomic.com I suppose?

Love life for me personally: Yes please? I've been single for longer than I'm willing to admit. I've barely dated anyone for ages due to my aforementioned depression making me not feel like someone worth dating. Also, there's some types of vitamin D deficiencies that eating supplements won't cure...

Rating: I really don't want to put a number on this so I won’t. Honestly, graphing out my love life numerically doesn't sound all that productive. But somewhere at the edge of the Bell curve is the guy for me?

Economically for Sweden: Sweden's been in a upward business cycle since 2016, but it's ebbing out and is expected to be balanced sometime next real. Ie, things have been good, but things aren't quite yet bad. Rating: 5.5/10 – I suppose? Not really my area of expertise.

Economically for me personally: Not complaining at all on this front. I got an IT job four years ago after having worked part time in retail for a bunch of years and having been a student before that. I've managed to not raise my monthly expenses even nearly as much as my pay went up. So while I’m not wealthy, I'm still surprised by being able to have a savings account that grows steadily and still having more spending money over each month.

My rating: 8/10 – This quote by Charles Dickens comes to mind: “Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen six, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pound ought and six, result misery.” 

Social life in Sweden: According to this article I just Googled up from half remembering reading in 2015, “The expat quality of life survey" published by HSBC, Sweden was the worst country for the category "Making friends". Looking at the data on HSBC's website we're apparently no longer dead last as a place to be making friends, we're now 31st out of the 33 countries listed, with Japan at 32nd place and Saudi Arabia last at 33rd. The United Kingdom is at 29th.

It is close to impossible to make friends here by talking to random strangers in most situations, as only weird people talk to strangers. Of course that mentality is self-fulfilling since if you assume any stranger talking to you is weird, drunk, or high, you will not want to make friends with strangers that talk to you, and you won't want to talk to strangers more than you have to or risk being branded weird. Even striking up random conversations at a pub will be more difficult here. 

But don’t despair, there’s a trick! Find the few social situations where Swedes want to talk to people they don't know: This is done by joining some organization or club of some sort. It doesn't really matter if it's a board gaming group, a student group, doing volunteer work for the local Pride or some other NPO or if it's a club for people who really like a certain breed of dogs. Once we've decided that we're among our own kind of people (and I don't mean "other Swedes") we'll happily talk to strangers, and not only about subjects related to that specific organization. Step two is converting them to be your friends and not just some randos you can talk to at some club meeting. I’m sad to say that traditionally this is done with alcohol, either by dragging people along to a pub/bar, or by inviting them or being invited by them to some sort of party. Without alcohol the fallback is fika. If the organization you’ve joined is something that you will naturally be spending time doing outside of the organization or club meetings that’s also ideal. Once you’ve invited or been invited to a few things outside of the organization it’s not strange to invite them to other social things than what the organization cares about.

For fairness to anyone reading this that didn’t read the article: I should probably also mention that the same HSBC study had Sweden as the top country in Europe for “overall quality of life” for expats here. And third best in the world, just behind Singapore and New Zealand in the same category. "Swedes make great friends but terrible strangers”.

My rating for making friends in Sweden is : 3/10 - Join a club, any club.

Social life for me personally: I have a few great close friends and a bunch more not quite as close friends who are also great. Come to think of it, many of them I've met through one of the three different organizations I've been most active in, and most of the rest I met through those friends. I'm really thankful for having friends who are still around even after I've spent way too much time feeling too bad to be very social or friendly at all.

My rating of my friends: 10/10 - No, I'm not biased.OK, so let’s average those numbers up and pretend the averages mean something!

Sweden: 5.81Me:  6.63Wait what? I’m winning?

[alunclewe]

Recomputered

Well, I haven’t posted anything for a while, and as usual, I have an excuse, and it’s maybe not even quite as bad as my usual excuses.  I’d been without a laptop for more than a month; I’d posted before about the issue with my laptop, but, well, it took longer to get any sort of resolution than I had expected.

I won’t go into all the details of the reasons for the delay, but to make a long story short: The e-mail updates from Best Buy’s Geek Squad say that "It's important to us to keep you informed during every step in the repair process."  This is a lie.  The old laptop turned out to be irreparable, which didn’t come as a surprise, but which I should have been told about a lot sooner.  I’m still getting it back, though, because aside from the broken screen it’s still perfectly good, and there are still uses to which I can put it.

Anyway, I have a new laptop now, with more RAM than my old laptop, albeit a smaller hard drive, although it’s an SSD drive, which... I guess is good?  And I’ve got all the software I use the most often installed on my new laptop: the Adobe Creative Suite, Blender, Microsoft Office, Finale, Final Draft, Notepad++, browsers that aren’t Internet Explorer or Microsoft Edge...  (Not Toon Boom Harmony or Storyboard, though, because I can only have those installed on one computer at a time, and it makes the most sense to have it installed on my desktop since that’s what has the bigger monitor attached to it and, more importantly, my Wacom Cintiq.  I didn’t have it installed on my old laptop, either.)

And yeah, on the one hand you could argue that not having a laptop shouldn’t have prevented me from updating, since I still have my desktop, and I do almost all my art on my desktop anyway.  However, not having a laptop still limited my productivity for two reasons: first, that obviously I can’t take my desktop with me and work on the go on it, and second, that when I was home I had to use my desktop to do what I’d normally be using my laptop for.  Also, typing was kind of hard on my desktop because it has a cordless keyboard which has been very glitchy lately, which is probably just because its batteries are low, so I really ought to find the new batteries that I know I have around here somewhere...

So, now that I have a laptop again, I should once again be able to ramp up my productivity.  Which includes but is not limited to the following items:

Inktober.  Yes, I know October is over.  But I only got through the first five days of Inktober, and I figure I may as well eventually finish the rest.  Better late than never?  (That doesn’t mean this is going to be a high priority for me, though, so there won’t be a new drawing every day.  Maybe I’ll shoot for at least every other day, though.)

NaNoWriMo.  I have completed novels for Nanowrimo three times, I think?  Two of those times were novels that were, ah, based on existing IP so I couldn’t really publish them even if I wanted to.  The third time, though, resulted in a novel that’s in serious need of rewrites (yet another thing I really need to get around to), but that with some rewriting and polishing I think really stands a good chance of publication. But having completed NaNoWriMo three times, I decided to set myself more of a challenge now and start completely from scratch.  That is to say, the three times that I succeeded I’d had a basic outline of the plot and characters before I started, although they evolved quite a bit during the writing.  This time, I figured for a bigger challenge I’d approach it like 24-Hour Comics Day—that is, I’d go in with no idea of what I was going to write, and all the plotting and outlining would be done within the time limit (the 24 hours for 24-Hour Comics Day, the month of November for NaNoWriMo). This is not the first time I have set myself that challenge, and... I admit, I haven’t yet succeeded.  I think maybe I tend to be a little overwhelmed and sabotage myself.  But I’m going to try again and see what happens this time.  And I think what I need to do, maybe, is approach it more, again, like 24-Hour Comics Day.  On 24-Hour Comics Day, I don’t plan and thumbnail the whole comic before I start.  I plan out my general idea, maybe I plan the ending or maybe I have no idea how it’s going to end until I get there, and then I just get started and make up the details as I go... and so far, despite every year worrying that this will be the year I don’t finish, I have yet to fail to complete a comic.  I have a general idea for my NaNoWriMo novel this year now; I have names and basic concepts of the six main characters; I think it’s time to start writing.  Yeah, I’m getting a very late start on that, but I just need to write at least, let’s see.... 2,500 words a day.  Yeah, that’s definitely doable.  It should be noted that in my last successful NaNoWriMo attempt, my novel was about twice as long as the 50,000 “required” by NaNoWriMo, so I actually wrote more than three thousand words a day... so this isn’t unprecedented.

The Very High Seas.  That’s that animated pilot project (that isn’t Teras Terrace) that I’d been posting about lately.  I have plans to pitch it, but at this point realistically I think I’m shooting to have the pitch ready by January or February 2020.  Even so, I want to have a completed pitch document, a pilot script, and a complete pilot animatic (this last item is probably overkill, but eh), so if I want to get it done by then I have a lot of work ahead.

Speaking of which, I do hope to update with one new piece of art later today, so I have a recent post that isn’t just a wall of text like this one.  But it’s such a relief to finally have a laptop again...

[zukalations]

SEWATCH!! #11 - Hoshino Anri

Seo Yuria’s 95th class interview series was published in GRAPH through 2016. Her talk with Hoshino Anri was published in the November issue.

(Yes, she does use that many exclamation points in the original)

Sewatch!! #11 - Hoshino Anri, Snow Troupe

Everyone!! Thankfully, the Hiroshima Carp have won their first championship in 25 years ✨ I’m so, so, happy I can hardly stand it! Hiroshima rocks! Now nobody can say ‘Hiroshima are losers!’ any more!!!! I’m so full of excitement, and even though there’s only a little left of Sewatch I’ll do my best!! Now, this month I am turning the Sewatch on the mysterious background of Hiroko, AKA Hoshino Anri, of Snow Troupe ❄️

About their costume theme

Seo: The two of us struggled over this for a while, this time around. And then Hiroko suggested ‘how about baseball?’!!*

Hoshino: Right! I had looked at the TV for a bit and at the top of both Ce-League [Central League] and the Pa-League [Pacific League] were my home teams, the Carp and Softbank! So I was like ‘we can use this’ ✨ ✨

Seo: Well, I believe that by the time this  issue comes out, the Carp will have won the championship!*

Hoshino: And Softbank! Both teams have so much passion right now!! If the Carp win, it’ll be the first time in 25 years, right!?

Seo: Amazing! You know so much, Hiroko! (laughs) If both teams win, we’ll have a celebration party together!

Both: Let’s do it!!!!!! Definitely!!

Seo: How was it to wear the uniform for real?

Hoshino: Ah~, I was so excited even before I put the uniform on, super excited! Before Seocchi (Seo) arrived I was bouncing around the room by myself! (laughs)

Seo: Ahaha (laughs). That must have been so cute 💦 I missed it 💦

Hoshino: (laughs)

Seo: Just putting this uniform on really stirs the blood, doesn’t it!? Since we’ve been watching them since we were little!!

Hoshino: Yeah! I would see it and now I could wear it ✨

Seo: The photoshoot was a lot of fun too. But the way you held your bat, though…

Hoshino: It’s because I’m usually holding katana or naginata, instead of a bat (laughs)

Seo: No matter what you had such a big gap between your hands!

Hoshino: I just wasn’t used to it (laughs).

Their time in TMS

Seo: We just naturally became friends, didn’t we.

Hoshino: Our seat numbers were close together, and we were often together in class, and most of all, when we went back home we took the same route! (laughs)

Seo: Right, right… ✨

Hoshino: When we would go home for summer vacation or winter break…

Seo: We’d ride the shinkansen together, and I’d get off at Hiroshima and wave goodbye to you.

Hoshino: And I’d keep going back to Fukuoka.

Seo: And then when we were going back to Takarazuka, Hiroko would get on the shinkansen first from Fukuoka, and let me know what seat you were on.

Hoshino: Right! I’d say ‘I’m in X seat of Y row’. And then when I got to Hiroshima from Hakata, there Seocchi would be on the platform…

Seocchi: And when we noticed each other…

Hoshino: ‘Oh!! There she is! Oh good ✨ ’ it was such an amazing feeling of reassurance! (laughs)

Seo: And then we’d sit next to each other all the way back! Since if we were alone it’d be lonely and kind of scary 💦 (laughs)

Hoshino: But, since there are all kinds of rules laid out for lower students, we’d sit in silence the whole time with blank faces (laughs).

Seo: We were thinking ‘But what if someone saw us!!’ even though nobody was watching us at all (laughs). It was painful not to be able to talk to each other, wasn’t it!? (laughs) But having Hiroko next to me made me feel safe  ✨

Hoshino: I was happy! Seocchi was there for me (laughs).

Seo: I think our strongest memories together as lower students are from the shinkansen, right. And then as upper students, we were together in the drama group for the internal recital!!

Hoshino: Right. And for the arts…

Seo: We were doing Japanese Dance together, so even on days off we would get on the Hankyu train together (laughs). We did so much together.

Hoshino: Right! Our rooms in the dorm weren’t close together, but we’d hang out all the time.

Seo: We would! In Zun-chan (Sakuragi) and Aasa’s (Asami’s) room, right?

Hoshino: Right! We’d all get together a lot.

Seo: I was in the room next to theirs, so I got pulled in all the time.

Hoshino: Even though I was the farthest away, I went there the most (laughs).

Seo: Zun-chan would cook for everyone, wouldn’t she.

Hoshino: Right, right. Oh! Hey, hey, were you there for the donut tower?

Seo: The what now?

Hoshino: When we were dreaming up a plan to build a tower of donuts! Isn’t that cute? ✨

Seo: ‘Isn’t that cute?’ she says! (laughs) (You were definitely the cutest when you said that 💖 )

Hoshino: There was a donut shop nearby, so we were talking about how many donuts each of us could possibly buy in order to get the most donuts, and then we would pile them all up! That kind of thing.

Seo: You dorks~ (laughs). So you spent your whole time as an upper student doing that kind of thing, right.

After joining the company

Seo: Our debut was such a tough time, wasn’t it.

Hoshino: Yeah! But even looking back on it now it’s still really moving! Although it’s not like I’m trying to sing my own praises here.

Seo: When I’m feeling a bit down I’ll watch it and think ‘so awesome!’ (laughs).

Hoshino: We were all rehearsing together all day, and if one of the girls said ‘I’m so tired~!’ we’d all try to lift them up again, telling each other ‘Just do your best a little longer!’ ‘Just this and then we’ll go home!’ so I’ll remember that at the same time and think ‘Oh, I should do my best!’ too.

Seo: It’s because of that that we’re here now!

Hoshino: Yeah! Everyone’s doing so well in their troupes. Seocchi, too!

Seo: Now, now, you too, of course (laughs).

Hoshino: (laughs). Honestly, when it was decided that you would have the lead in the shinjin kouen of Guys and Dolls, I was so happy!

Seo: Thank you~! You’re so nice~ (laughs).

Hoshino: I go to see Star Troupe a lot, but it seems like my classmates have improved every time I see a show, it’s amazing.

Seo: When I go to see a show I also think ‘I have to get better!’ and it’s really impactful. Recently I went to see Roman Holiday.

Hoshino: You came to see it~ ✨

Seo: It was just wonderful!

Hoshino: Really?

Seo: Yes. I went to the dressing room before the show, right? I could hardly believe that it was the people I had been telling ‘I’m going to see the show~!’ and talking with so excitedly!

Hoshino: (laughs).

Seo: Say, say, recently we’d been saying ‘Next time we’ll go out to eat together!’ right? Hiroko was going to be in Hiroshima for the National Tour, and it was just at the same time that I would be going back home.

Hoshino: We were saying we needed to eat together, but it ended up getting too late, so we couldn’t go in the end. So it ended with us saying we’d have to do it another time, right! (laughs)

Seo: So we definitely have to go!

Hoshino: Let’s do it, let’s do it!

Seo: And the Softbank and the Carp are doing their best! So let’s do our best too!

Both: Let’s keep going!

Seo: Thank you for taking the time out of your busy day today~!

* Their baseball outfits:

** At the time Seo was working on this column (presumably in early/mid October) the last rounds of the championship series had not been played; in the end, the Softbank Hawks did not end up winning the Pacific League, and the Hiroshima Carp were defeated in the Japan Series (Japanese equivalent of the World Series) by the Hokkaido Nippon-Ham Fighters.

[the-roanoke-society]

homecoming.

alternatively titled: there and back again, a charlie tale.

the incredibly late follow-up to parts unkown, featuring @agent-nova, charlie hesketh, technical officers wyvern and drake, and team e key.

there are depictions of injury, gore and some horror elements under the cut. proceed with caution.

i am still very sorry.

weeks went by at the roanoke estate. october turned to november. to december.

the house was still decorated, of course. but lilith had done her best, with the white lady’s help, to ensure that the lights were extra soft, glowing as gently as an embrace. “their eyes may hurt when you bring them back. we want the landing to go as easily as we can, yes? fortune favors the prepared.” lilith had spoken with such certainty. nova and wyvern clung to it with a white knuckle grip.

she didn’t sleep much, didn’t eat much. wyvern wasn’t much better off. they hardly came out of the basement office set aside for the chunk of the traceback formula development—their usual company was just each other, cups of coffee gone cold, and tea… but those were usually merlin’s.

lillith had been the one to make that phone call. merlin had dropped absolutely everything, hadn’t even asked arthur for approval. he’d just left. harry had gone with him, for his sake, sure, but also for rae. the necromancer wasn’t taking this well.

not many were.

there weren’t any protocols in place for this. “this is the fucking protocol!” wyvern had screamed at longma, in that first formal meeting after the incident; his temper had definitely gotten the better of him in this entire ordeal. “and now we’re just shooting in the dark, hoping that we can find anything, anything, to trace, to give us even half a clue as to which one of these hellholes you and drake so thoughtfully sent them to!”

“jeremy—that’s enough.”

merlin was beyond exhausted.

he didn’t know how much time he’d spent just standing in the middle of his girlfriend’s quarters—going over old journals, old case files, anything he could find. he reasoned that maybe there was a hint, something from the past he could grab and yank to the present to help them. hours? days? time had never seemed so disjointed. stock-still and fleeting all at once.

and a darker part of his mind conceded: you are afraid you will not find her. and you are trying desperately to find a way to keep her close. you will never get to apologize to charlie. it will die with you. and that’s something she might’ve found unforgivable in another life, right? the withholding of mercy?

he shook his head. brought himself back to the basement office with drake, longma, wyvern—and nova, who was leaning up against one edge of the whiteboard with her arms over her chest.

it was covered in formulas. equations. numbers, number, numbers.

it was right in front of their faces. it had to be, he reasoned. and this—this was something he could actually help with. he’d be damned if failure would catch him now, when the price of it was this steep and shaped like someone that he loved, that he wanted to m—

no. not yet. if he could find her, then maybe…

despite winter falling down over the estate grounds, it was warm downstairs. he had his shirtsleeves rolled up to his elbows.  “look. let’s jus’—let’s jus’ talk this through again. y’ said that the traceback signal functioned as a receiver. correct?”

nova shifted on her feet, lifting a hand to her face. back to square one. she didn’t want them to see her expression crumple—but drake caught it, and felt sick.

wyvern heaved a sigh, his hands going to his hair. merlin swallowed and quickly went back to staring at the board.

don’t think about how she did that too. don’t think about it. focus. focus.

“yes. the traceback, it’s—it’s meant to pick up on device signals. we trace a path, boom, whip ‘em back to this timeline. hence traceback.”

merlin hummed, rubbing his scalp.

“okay—okay.” he picked up an eraser, clearing the board again. “let’s just try it again from the start. one more time. maybe there’s somethin’ we missed, like—passin’ a hallway in an old house…”

the initial panic had faded by then, out of necessity.

there’d been a few evenings where they each, in turn, had tried to solve the entire problem as quickly as possible. but the more they tried to fight against it, against time, the more frustrated they got, and it had ended in tears. for nova, most of all. and for merlin, just once: his first night in the states when he’d gone down into this exact office because he couldn’t stand to go to her room and find it silent, and empty.

and it’d been merlin who’d sat both of them down, one particularly raw night—pretending that they were recruits, that he was back home—and told them that trying to do this rushed wouldn’t move them forward. not the way they needed to move.

nova had buried her face in her hands. “do y’ understand, ellie?” she nodded, but didn’t speak.

wyvern and merlin encased her in their arms from either side.

he didn’t remember how long they stayed like that. but after they separated—that is when the work began. night after night of mathematics, theorems, conjectures. all dead ends.

but no one so much as uttered the phrase ‘give up.’ no one would.

*     *     *

“… wait.”

charlie didn’t quite have enough time to throw himself into a full panic. seraphim’s tone made him pause, and he watched her slowly get to her feet, staring at the skyborne city. “… i know that tower.”

“you recognize the city?”

seraphim squinted. “i—yeah. i think i do.” a head tilt. “… holy shit. holy fucking shit.” was there a smile in her voice?

it was charlie’s turn to struggle to a stand. his arm burned, and seraphim reached out a hand behind her to help him up. “why do you sound like this is a good thing?”

“it’s not, but i’m choosing to believe there’s no way it couldn’t help. c’mere, look—“ she stood right at charlie’s shoulder and pointed to the center, spiraling tower. “see that? that’s a part of a castle in an underworld capital city, korssrun. guess who was with me the last time i went there?”

“who?”

“ellie.”

and seraphim told him about the first time that she’d ever used the gate alongside the woman who was growing into a shape best described as ‘the love of his life.’ she could have cried at the wonder in his eyes, how the alarm melted from his expression even when she was talking about krueger, who for all intents and purposes was the exact opposite of a relaxing entity.

but it helped. it gave them a reference point, even if it was a little vague, and… possibly not a reference point at all.

“all right. so this is like… some weird inverted version of that universe. allllll right-y. all right, all right, all right…” seraphim took a few steps backwards and rubbed her hands on her face. think, think, think. “we just have to come up with a plan…”

“do you think they’re looking for us?” charlie winced, shifting on his feet. his gaze fell to the ground, slowly rolling back to the dark spots that marked where they’d landed against the rock.

“of course i do.” her answer was quick, firm. “if i know ellie like i think i do, she’s not going to sleep until she can find a way to bring us back. … or at least you.” that last bit was said quieter.

before charlie could open his mouth to ask her anything else, she gasped, “oh! oh that’s it! i mean—not like, it-it, but it’s a—“

“morgan!” he didn’t want her to know how bad he was feeling. but it leeched into his voice anyway. pain. every breath he drew was like a small layer of stone, gravel settling on the bottom of his chest. hot, suffocating. his skin was tingling. “please. just. slow down. what are you talking about?”

“i think—since they are looking for us—“ seraphim nodded with emphasis, confidence, but her voice trailed as if she was in the middle of a thought. “—it might be helpful if we found the…” she frowned, made a gesture with her hand. “… i don’t know, the landing point.”

“landing point?”

“i mean like the corresponding point where ellie and i met ground when we first came here. all the entry points for all the gates are pretty consistent in terms of the physical location where you hit.” her eyes went back upward. she stared at the tower. “this… this place isn’t mapped. i’m not going to pretend that this is a good idea, but it is an idea.”

charlie pressed his palms into his eyelids, exhaling, inhaling. “so. you think that if they try to get us back. the signal will come from there? be close to there?”

seraphim rolled her shoulders. she felt an itch as a bead of sweat rolled down her back and she hastily reached for her hair, snapping it up into a messy ponytail. the one time she remembered to keep a hair tie around her wrist. “yes. there’s no reason to think so, but there’s also no reason to not think so, and i’d rather throw my money in with what we can infer based on what we already know.”

charlie snorted.

“what?”

“nothing, you just—remind me of someone.”

“yeah? well you can tell me all about them on the walk over. c’mon.”

he frowned, but his steps after her were unwavering. “you know the way? how?”

seraphim glanced over her shoulder, smiling. she—looked tired. her skin shone in the muted light. charlie wondered if he, too, looked like some strange gemstone. but sweating only helps if it can cool you down… he tried to not think about it too much. a sharp wave of burning bit into his socket, a perfect circle of pain around the metal.

he tried not to focus too much on that, either.

“it’s just like wayfaring. that’s our north star. trust me, i know where we’re going.”

“whatever you say, maui.” it hurt to laugh but he did anyway.

“oh, i can see what’s happening here… you’re face to face with greatness, and it’s strange—“

“okay, you know what, i brought this upon myself, i can’t be upset—“

   *     *

and so they walked. and walked, and walked.

charlie was unnerved at the quiet. like they were the only things alive. the only sounds he heard were their voices, their steps, and the soft, round echoes that sounded after them among the stones. and it all looked the same, even as he would turn in slow circles as they went, trying to see as much as he could.

granted, there were the mountains. but the rocks were all the same color. they were all the same smooth-shaped like they’d been fished out of the bottom of the river. it rolled out around them until it dissipated in the white light that lit up the narrow horizon line.

and over them—well. the dark mass of… what had seraphim called it? krossrun? no, korssrun. what a strange name for a city, and—

he coughed. nothing but heat down his throat, into his chest.

it was getting harder to breathe. bit by bit.

was… was that static?

seraphim had a hand up immediately, placing it on charlie’s chest to stop him. at first, she hadn’t looked at him, trying to desperately figure out why it suddenly sounded like someone’s old tv was suddenly out somewhere ahead of them, stuck on a channel that didn’t work with the volume turned up to max volume, but then: “charlie? jesus, your arm—!”

he’d been slightly behind her, letting her lead way. at least, that’s he hoped it looked like. he didn’t want her to realize…

the blood had spread. a layer of red seeped from the edge of his sleeve upwards towards his collar, and down his side.

“it’s fine, it’s okay, it’s—“ charlie couldn’t stop her, and how she moved closer to him so swiftly to carefully tug at his shirt reminded him so much of nova that suddenly his eyes were stinging and he had to glance sharply to the skyline.

“this is not! fine!” her voice came out hoarse and halting, going up a pitch in panic. shit. shit this was not good. “this! is! the opposite of fine! charles douglas hesketh!”

“that’s not my—!” but he had to stop abruptly, swallowing a genuine scream when seraphim’s fingers got too close to his skin.

“fuck, sorry, sorry—aw man… charlie…”

seraphim was a bit of a loss for words. they hadn’t stopped moving, not since they landed. she didn’t think either of them could. the idea of staying put, waiting on something or someone else to come for them without doing anything at all? absolutely fucking not. nope. not today.

but because they hadn’t rested…

well.

the tears around his arm socket, okay, they could be because he’d been moving. but these other marks, these blisters, those weren’t from movement.

“it’s burning you.”

“mm?”

“charlie.” he’d never heard someone’s tone change so much in such a short amount of time. but when seraphim looked up to his eyes, he had a hard time looking back at her. it was unnerving, watching the color drain from her face, yet not enough to take away the flush that went across her cheeks. “charlie, your arm socket is—it’s the metal. it’s been heating up the entire time, hasn’t it? that’s its reaction? flesh does, flesh does this, right, and your arm, it’s, it’s not flesh so it…” she uselessly gestured to his arm.

she wasn’t wrong.

he had felt it. been feeling it, been carrying it.

and had a new appreciation for that old story about the frogs who were very slowly boiled alive.

but of course he wasn’t going to say anything. what was there for it? he’d seen no water, or even evidence of water, or clouds, or shade, since they’d landed, and—the static grew louder. they both froze, looking ahead, waiting. there were quiet, agonizing whirs as both of charlie’s hands clenched into fists.

and charlie had thought to himself, i might need to keep it on me. best to go like everything’s all right.

nothing about their view changed. just that background noise—foreground noise, charlie supposed. it wasn’t something that was surrounding them—but it did sound wide.

“stay close to me,” seraphim said softly. there were tremors on the edge of her voice. “i don’t really want to waste time trying to go around whatever’s out there, especially when we might not even be able to.”

“do we have to go this way, morgan?”

seraphim pursed her lips together and nodded. “every time you look at me i can see the lack of trust in your eyes but i promise you this is the right way. i just need you to keep a kind of faith for a little bit longer. okay?”

charlie stared at her.

he tried to make her eyes turn into ellie’s, but the hazel, the browns, the greens—they were too different.

and it was only the idea of seeing them again that kept him upright, that distracted him enough to get his mind off of his arm socket, his thirst, the sweat that kept dripping down over his eyelids.

“show the way, fearless leader.”

seraphim snorted, reflexively. “yeah, leader. right. pretty sure good leaders wouldn’t let their colleagues get into the barrel of fun this has turned out to be.”

charlie did as he was asked, keeping pace right at her shoulder as they carefully picked their way over the smooth stone. always watching. listening. waiting. “it’s not like it was your fault.” their voices fell to hushed tones. “you rushed in to make sure drake was okay. i’m not sure he would’ve had the same reaction to getting snapped up somewhere like this.”

“and annabelle…” seraphim sighed. charlie couldn’t quite tell what emotion it carried. maybe there were too many. “she would’ve been heartbroken. it’s—is it better, then? that it was us?” for a moment, she stopped walking, frowning and gazing at the ground. but then she shook her head, blinking. “let’s maybe save the philosophical conversations for af—“

she didn’t finish.

they rounded a corner between two particularly large boulders, where a dirt path ran between them. it almost could’ve been a hiking trail, charlie decided, as he studied the ground. was it even dirt? who knew? but it was packed like dirt, packed like someone—something?—had walked over it numerous times, over and over and over again.

but he didn’t see any turns. just the impressions of something shaped vaguely like the foot of another human being. made by—

ellie?

charlie felt his voice rise up in his throat, but before he could speak, seraphim grabbed his arm, pulling him backwards roughly.

“m—“

“sh!” her hush was violent. she’d gone a sickly pale and he felt her hand trembling by his elbow.

seraphim very carefully leaned, looking past him. lifting a finger to her lips, she edged forward a few steps. charlie gazed over the top of her head around the stone.

it… it looked like ellie.

the static was louder than ever. it was like the hum he felt when he was underwater, the surface of the sea off the english coast a fractured glass ceiling over him.

she was facing away from him, and… and…

he blinked, shaking his head. it hurt to watch. he couldn’t make sense of it.

it was shaped like her, sure, but she wasn’t—solid. not transparent, not exactly, but more like her edges weren’t quite there. like parts of her were erratically blipping in and out of view.

“what—“ he couldn’t get the rest of the words out. he felt seraphim’s hand on his bicep, her grip trembling but firm. he swallowed. it was like a weight had settled beneath his lungs, and the longer he looked at the back of that stranger’s head, the heavier it got.

he wanted to go up to her. he wanted to run his fingers through her hair. he knew it wasn’t her. but if he could just feel her one more time, or something like her, one last time... because would they even ever get out of here alive?

“… what is it?” he finally asked. his voice barely registered a whisper, and he tried to lean as close to seraphim’s ear as he could so the sound didn’t get lost in the static.

“not human.” her answer came low, and sad. she was staring at her too. “i’ve—i’ve never seen one this close before.” one? seraphim put one palm over her chest, and seemed to convulse, before inhaling. it sounded a bit like a rattle, on the edges. “i’m... surprised there’s one here. but if we’re quiet, and keep going, it—“ she choked back a harsh cough. “it won’t bother us.”

“why does it look like ellie?”

for a second, seraphim didn’t react. then she laughed, ruefully, once, tugging at his elbow to keep going forward. they pressed as close as they could to a line of jagged boulders that acted as an edge to—charlie supposed he couldn’t describe it as a shallow gulch. cliffs rose up around them, but they weren’t very high; there was a cleft in the stone right in front of them just wide enough for them to pass through.

“it looks like ellie to you?”

“yes. … who do you see?”

seraphim didn’t turn, but she also didn’t let go of charlie. she kept her eyes up ahead of her even as she moved to pushed him forward, so she could guard him from behind. just in case.

and that was the only time she looked back.

it kept changing. both shapes were tall. one had a head of thick, black hair. longer than she remembered, but recognizable. the other had no hair at all.

she didn’t answer him until they were safely out on the other side of the path, where the cliff walls sloped down into a sandy valley. the more they walked, the softer that static grew. soon, it would disappear entirely, leaving only the familiar, heavy silence in its wake. “someone i miss. that’s its trick.”

the mountains were still in the distance, but this new clearing was basically featureless. it made charlie nervous. there was nowhere to hide. “and what—what was it, exactly?” the adrenaline had kicked in, now that it was safe. his hands were shaking, and his heart was in his throat. why was it so hard to breathe?

but as soon as it ebbed, the biting, burning pain in his arm socket came back with such a vengeance that he almost didn’t hear seraphim answer.

“something like a demon. but not quite.” her cheeks were rosy but the rest of her face was a blanched shade. she looked almost like a doll, and coughed again. “i’ll, uh… tell you all about it when we get out of here. we’re close now. this all looks—familiar.” her voice quieted at the end as she looked upward, gazing at the city. their unholy constellation that was helping them chart their course. “that’s why it’s there. it’s there for us. like some fucked up sign post. christ help us…”

seraphim shook her head, abruptly turning her back to charlie.

he was glad.

she didn’t want him to see her face crumple, and he didn’t want her to see how much pain he was in.

seraphim got it back together. it took her a second. but she thought about merlin, and imagined him, in his quartermaster tones, encouraging her.

she had to get back to him. she felt a curl in her heart, and here in this literal hellhole, she was willing to grasp it with both hands and a white-knuckle grip.

“okay—okay. what do you think, homie, have a mile or two left in you?” charlie swallowed, nodding. he’d never had cottonmouth this bad in his life, and he was trying to focus on literally anything to get his mind off his arm. he picked seraphim’s soft drawl. it seemed a bit more pronounced when she got emotional, he noticed. he wondered how many shades of her voice that only merlin had gotten the chance to hear.

and then he started thinking about how merlin and seraphim even ended up together at all, which led him right back to ellie, and she was the shape that kept the pain away as he followed seraphim’s steps.

they traveled in silence, for a while. it was a tired quiet, but not one that met them with their guards lowered completely.

seraphim was lost in her own puzzling. those entities appear for a reason. where are we? where the fuck could we have landed that would make something like that thing appear, like it was on purpose, like it was planned by someone, something else?

she didn’t have to even lift her eyes from the ground. she knew where they were going.

but charlie didn’t, and he tripped once, reaching out awkwardly to catch himself and almost landing on seraphim in the process.

his metal plan landed squarely on the stone, which meant his body weight bore down further on the machinery.

the pain was blinding, instantaneous and charlie couldn’t stop the retched, gagged and very loud swear word that came out of his mouth. seraphim jumped, startled. “jesus! charlie? charlie what’s wrong? did you twist something?”

he had to take deep, gulping breaths, but it was just like breathing in steam. there was no relief. “i’m—fine, i just—need a second—“

but seraphim, for all her flaws, wasn’t a complete moron. as charlie awkwardly sat back onto his knees, his hand went to his arm socket. not touching it. but close. her eyes followed to the scarlet-soaked material of his shirt.

oh, this is bad. this is very bad.

“you’ve lost a lot of blood.” she said quietly. she’d been wishing for merlin this entire time, thinking of all the times he’d bandaged her scrapes and bruises and true, maybe charlie would’ve preferred rougarou or cherub as medic, but… “and those burns are going from first to second degree. charlie, we need to take your arm off, we could be looking at permanent nerve damage if we don’t, and the weight’s tearing these wounds open more—“

“no!” he was started at how loud his own voice was. “… no.” he said it again, softer. “we aren’t alone out here. you don’t have virgil, neither of us is armed, except for this.” he winced as he lifted his metallic arm. “i need to keep it on me.”

seraphim leaned back on her heels for a second. two seconds. three. “… okay. sure. you know best. at least let me help you up.” she offered one hand that he gratefully took, pulling him back up to his feet.

but as soon as he was standing, seraphim gripped his arm with both hands, wrenched one direction, and pulled.

it snapped off with a piercing, metallic tang, and seraphim was screaming.

the relief by his shoulder was immediate but it was overshadowed by the sight of his own limb lying useless in the dirt and seraphim, stumbling backward until her back met rock, tears streaming down her face mingling with sweat. she had huge, burning welts over her palms. “shit. shit shit shit shit, fuck, fuck, jesus—“ a cascade of swears and cries for her god.

“why did you do that.” he couldn’t tear his eyes off of the machinery. “why did you do that?!” no matter how that steel had burned him, his anger was much, much hotter.

seraphim was choking out sobs. it sounded like she was suffocating. “ellie isn’t here to take care of you, so i have to.”

he stood, silently, staring at her. seraphim sniffed, wiping at her face with the back of her hand. “ellie isn’t here to love you, and you don’t love you, so i am going to, because i’m here and it is just us, charlie. it’s just us. i know this sucks, i know it’s scary, i know that you don’t know me that well and you’re freaking out that i’m the one that you’re stuck with—“

“morgan—“

she kept going. “but you. have. to trust me. i am not going to bring you home with you needing a fucking skin graft! i am not bringing you home to ellie damaged, i am not bringing you home scarred!”

she looked up then.

and he thought, wow. i wonder if she’s ever looked at merlin like this. how did he survive it? and… wait, what was wrong with her eyes? why were they silver around the edges? had long had they been that way?

“but i am bringing you home. if we have to defend ourselves, then we will burn that bridge when we get there. but right now i’d rather us take the stealth route. we will keep our eyes and ears open. we won’t let anything sneak up on us. and we will find a way to the landing point. okay?”

charlie was quiet, but then softly spoke: “… okay.”

this time, seraphim didn’t hide her face. charlie watched the water stream out of her eyes, which looked—“uh, morgan?”

she took off her outer shirt with trembling hands, swearing under her breath, leaving her in a tank top. sweat got into the welts. it was like someone was rubbing salt on them. fuck, it hurt. but every time she looked at charlie, she could see how much straighter he was able to stand, how he seemed to breathe a little easier. worth it. absolutely worth it.

“yes, charlie?”

his eyes caught sight of a large scar at her shoulder. he blinked, trying not to stare. “uhm, can you… can you look at me? for a second?” she used her shirt to bundle up his arm, cradling to her chest awkwardly, like a baby. palms not touching the fabric.

“what? why?”

“just—just look at me. for a second.” seraphim flinched only slightly when charlie brought his hand up to her face, gently pushing up her eyebrow with his thumb. it was a movement he’d seen merlin do, a few times before. he opened his mouth, closed it, opened it, closed it—would it be worth even telling her?

but she interrupted before he could say anything: “… are they silver, where the whites are? shiny, maybe? like polished iron?” something like dread laced her voice.

“… yes.”

seraphim sighed, pursing her lips together and nodding. “okay. we’re, uh, we’re running out of time. but we’re ah, we’re close, okay? we have to get moving. like, right now.”

“all right, all right. ladies first.”

“leaders first.”

“that too.”

but he was only able to hold his tongue for maybe fifteen minutes. not having his arm attached did feel a lot better. but he still felt trapped inside of… he tried to find words, something comparable. a sauna, he supposed, was the closest he could come up with. a very dry sauna.

but then he started to wonder how long they could survive here, where the air they breathed seemed to be poison, and what he could give to just be able to sit down, to find the point, to go home, to see her—

stop it. … stop it.

“morgan?”

“yes, charlie.” why did she already sound resigned?

“… why are your eyes like that?”

seraphim sighed, but her pace didn’t slow, not at first, not really. the rocks around them seemed to slowly level out, from cliffs, to boulders worn smooth by a river that wasn’t there anymore, then finally to what charlie would’ve described as a clearing. a meadow, maybe. but he’d never seen a meadow made up of only rock, sand and silence before. not like the ones he’d played in when he was smaller—with his brother. with james.

drake, cody, jeremy. each name formed once, echoed, and then disappeared.

it wasn’t just ellie he missed.

and merlin wasn’t the only person on seraphim’s mind, either.

charlie almost ran into her when she stopped walking, one hand going up to touch her back. accidentally, he brushed that same large scar with his fingers. she didn’t seem to notice. instead, she asked quietly, her voice shaking: “are we in a clearing? sort of round, even space, except for what might be a sharp cliff jutting up somewhere overrrr there?” and seraphim pointed to where, yes, there was an abrupt lift in the rocky surface of the wasteland.

“uh—yeah, morgan. we are.”

“and we’ve been walking for what feels like—what? a few hours?”

charlie rolled his shoulders. “feels like more than a few, but, yeah. hours. … why?”

slowly, she turned, staring at the ground. and when she looked at him, she was smiling. sweat glistened on her forehead, sliding along her eyebrows.

“groovy. we found the point.”

but charlie almost didn’t hear her.

pinballs.

they looked like pinballs.

she didn’t have pupils anymore. it was entirely possible she wasn’t looking at him.

“jesus christ.” this was the worst time to be hit by an overwhelming sense of nostalgia for an arcade charlie wasn’t even sure was still around the south end.

“you sound upset, chuck.” she laughed but it wasn’t cheerful.

“morgan, uhm—your eyes—“ seraphim pursed her lips together, and it looked like oil was starting to roll down her cheeks.

oh, he thought. she’s crying.

“yeah, uh, i can’t see anymore, but hey, again, it’s okay, because we found the point. i know we did. if we’re—if we’re in a place—“ she sniffed. “that looks like what i described, we’re here. this is—this is it—“

seraphim swallowed. it was just all darkness. just like it’d gone all the other times she’d lost her sight. but this—something about this was different. her entire face ached, sure, that was familiar. but it was like a pulse both hot and freezing in equal portions was moving back further and further into her skull. like someone pressing fingers into her eye sockets.

she wasn’t sure how long she’d be able to ignore it. especially if ran its course.

“so…” charlie began, slowly. “now we wait.”

seraphim nodded. she didn’t bother to wipe at her face, leaving the black tracks where they were. “yeah. now we wait. we uh. we can rest now. things are going to be all right, you’ll see. we just ah, we just wait right here…”

wordlessly, charlie took her elbow. he eased her down next to him, and they sat together in the quiet, backs warmed against the stone.

“morgan?”

“chuck?”

she heard him chuckle, but just once. “what will happen to you? if they don’t find us?”

seraphim sighed. “i’ll lose my eyes. it’s ah, ocular degeneration. they’re uhm. disintegrating, but at least they’ll look shiny before they go. and you’ll get heatstroke.” she said it in the same tone she would’ve described a sports play.

“and we’ll both die.”

“… yeah. we’ll both die.”

   *     *

it was christmas eve.

nova had never felt less festive in her life—although every time she looked at merlin, she imagined he felt the same.

and she had never felt more defeated.

she didn’t know how many times that day they’d gone over the formula. she didn’t know how many times she’d excused herself to cry. she knew that dinner was happening—had happened?—upstairs, and that three plates had been carefully prepared, left on a desk, and went untouched.

she was sure they all looked a bit thinner at this point.

wyvern and merlin were speaking softly behind her, but nova was standing just where she’d stood for countless hours. staring at the numbers at the whiteboard. willing them to speak. and they still hadn’t.

so she leaned back on her heel, rubbing at her face. just for a second—she let her mind wander to charlie. she pressed her fingers over her eyes.

she thought of him smiling. out in the snow. she thought of watching him from far away, of him looking back at her.

she pictured love in his eyes, lips curled into a crooked smile. snowflakes on his eyelashes. not saying anything at all. just there. with her.

just there with her...

“… jeremy?” she had to cough, her voice initially coming out as a kind of croak. “jeremy. hey. i think i have an idea.” wyvern grabbed his coffee, gone lukewarm. he took a big swig anyway, not that it helped much these days. “these variables right here… these are the factors that sort of shape how it’s looking for a signal, right? this is the ‘how’ in how we’re looking?”

wyvern hummed, nodding. “you got it.”

“okay, so what—what if they weren’t saying anything?”

merlin frowned. “i don’ follow.”

nova’s heart seemed to lift an inch or two. oh my god—oh my god. her hands shook as she grabbed for the eraser, swiping off chunks of the board. wyvern started, “ellie, dude what are—!”

“what if we’re looking for a signal that’s not there?” she asked. but it wasn’t with despair, it wasn’t something dark. merlin’s expression fell anyway, and he rubbed his thumb over his bottom lip, looking to the ground.

she shook her head, trying to get her thoughts into some kind of order. “i mean—we know morgan had her glasses on. that was in the footage. and she probably still has them, hamish, she’s still alive, i know she is, they both are, but what if… what if we changed this so that it wasn’t looking for a signal? what if we found a way to only look for power, anything with a switch in the on position?”

wyvern clasped his fingers behind his neck, gazing up at the ceiling. “like we were just looking for any familiar electrical components that were running… not any that were trying to communicate with us, specifically.” he inhaled deeply, putting his hands over his mouth—and softly made a sort of gentle, screaming sound. “… we’re dumb. we’re so fucking dumb.”

“shut up, no we’re not. i don’t even know if this’ll work—“

but merlin already had a marker in his hand, writing up new equations that they hadn’t used before. it felt better on her eyes already.

“it’ll work.” he said, and quieter, added: “… because i don’t know what else to do if it doesn’t.”

“all we have to do is configure the eye.” wyvern muttered, right at merlin’s shoulder in two long strides, “if we do that, we recast our proverbial net over the same spaces we’ve been looking, and we’ve got to find them. we gotta.”

nova felt a surge of hope surge up so strong she staggered back, hitting the edge of a desk with her tailbone. wyvern looked back over his shoulder at her. she was smiling.

it took her a second to remember what it felt like. to recognize it. hope.

“we will. … we will.”

   *     *

“… i’m sorry.” seraphim tightened one arm around charlie’s swaddled robotic piece, pressing the bundle more into her chest. she focused on the dull pressure points that ran diagonally over her heartbeat. anything to distract her from the painful blindness.

“why.”

she almost broke at how tired he sounded, how hoarse. like the sand had finally gotten into his vocal cords, rubbed them raw. how long had they been sitting here? how long had they been gone?

she could see the time in the corner of her spectacle frames. she could see the single bar of battery that was left. still no signal, naturally. there wouldn’t be any to be found here.

at least they’ll have the video. they’ll have the audio—this. they’ll know. even if my glasses are all that’s left. they’ll know.

seraphim refused to consider that their bodies would rot here. die here, maybe. but stay? absolutely not. it was getting more and more difficult to keep her thoughts in words. they were starting to devolve into just screaming.

“i thought—i thought that it would be easier for them to find us here.” she swallowed. “i thought—“

“there was never a guarantee.” charlie interrupted, sadly. “it’s okay. it’s okay…”

one of seraphim’s hands had been lying, palm-up, on the ground between them. charlie slid his underneath it.

seraphim opened her mouth to say something, but: “let’s just sit for a while. okay? we’re—we’re both tired. it’ll be all right if we just sit, right?”

so she nodded, letting her head fall against his shoulder. she closed her eyes, not that it changed her view.

and she didn’t know if she fell asleep, or if she passed out. she didn’t know how much time passed before she was hearing charlie speak to her, “… you seein’ this?”

she didn’t open her eyes. what’d be the point? “seein’ what, charlie.”

“it—it looks like a wisp.”

god, she was so tired. she missed merlin. she kept trying to will the scent of his cologne into her nose, but all that she could smell was haze.

maybe, if she fell back asleep, she would dream…

“a wisp?”

charlie didn’t move. he just watched this point of light, moving on its on like a specter. it had blinked into existence maybe a few feet over where they were sitting, a sudden star. and he’d watched it, curious but detached.

what was going to happen was going to happen. he didn’t have the energy to do anything about it now.

the light had floated down towards them until it was finally on level with his eyes. there it stayed, motionless. like it was looking at him.

“yeah,” he said. “a wisp of the woods.”

seraphim didn’t say anything or lift her head. even if she had, she wouldn’t have seen charlie tilt his head to one side, and reach out.

she wouldn’t have seen the flash of light that enveloped them.

   *     *

nova stood over drake’s shoulder the entire time, watching every single keystroke, watching the grids go out over and over and over again. wyvern was on the other side. merlin was pacing. nova hadn’t quite seen him nervous before. it was unsettling.

“this is the last sort of quadrant that the gate was locked on to before they split,” drake explained, “so if mo’s glasses still have any life in them, they’d be—“ a soft ding. a small green dot, pulsing like a heartbeat, and with every pulse came a chime. “—here.” it came out almost a whisper. “they’re—they’re right here, guys.”

nova’s eyes stung. thank you, thank you, thank you… “okay, so, we’ve got a lock on them, how do we get them here?” but wyvern was already at the gate console, and a familiar hum filled the room. nova had never been so happy to see the faint blue rings, to see the tendrils spark into being their proper shade of white. but they weren’t reaching out, no. it was like they were flowing into a space back behind the gate, somewhere they couldn’t see.

“we employ the fuckin’ traceback is what we do. drake, how strong’s the grip?”

drake frowned. “strong enough for a pull. we’re doing this right now?”

“they’re outside of our flow of time, we have no idea what their status is, where they landed, if they’re hurt, or how much time has passed, we’re doing this now. merlin, do me a solid and use that comm right there to get aly and caroline down here? just… just in case. now, everybody just stand tight for a second.” for a few minutes, nothing happened, save for a tense silence broken only by wyvern’s furious typing. the gate gave its own background white noise.

and rougarou and cherub did make it down to the basement, equipment bags in tow, right around the same time that there a sudden snap; charlie and seraphim materialized about four feet off the floor and unceremoniously dropped. the thuds would’ve echoed if it wasn’t for the rug.

merlin had to fling his arms around nova to keep her from charging forward. “charlie? charlie!”

“easy, easy, we need to let them get checked out first—!“

charlie’s eyes were closed, his countenance peaceful, as if he was just sleeping. cherub had her hands on this throat, his chest—“he’s breathing. he’s breathing, but—“

“they’re burning up.” rougarou had been left to contend with seraphim, who hadn’t quite fallen asleep inside of the wave the brought them home.

their temperatures clocked in at 102.5, according to the small reader in cherub’s hands. their breaths rattled, rasped.

and merlin watched, horrified, at seraphim’s ravaged, blinded frame. he couldn’t immediately think of a way to articulate how he felt about her eyes.

seraphim felt the cool air of the basement first. and yes, she could hear them, hear everyone. after a moment, recognized them. but it wasn’t rougaoru’s voice that made seraphim realize in whose arms she was lying in, it was her perfume.

that brought her back. the smell of recovery, the smell of home, the smell of returning after centralia and other hells.

“… aly?” seraphim choked, hand fisting the material of rougarou’s shirt, trying to cling to anything familiar. but she didn’t let go of charlie’s arm. she had a white-knuckled grip on that bundle. there were hands on her face again, her eyebrows.

“morgan… morgan, what did you do to your eyes?”

“i’ll tell you tomorrow.”

“if you can crack jokes, you aren’t dying.”

nova surged against merlin’s grip, even as she could see that charlie wasn’t awake. and she wondered how he stood so still, seeing seraphim finally succumb to unconsciousness.

but to seraphim, all she knew was that she could feel the floor. she could feel and smell rougaoru. she was breathing clean air. there wasn’t an entity with static following them anymore. no desert. no skybound city. no white light beyond what she’d left behind.

she was safe. she was home.

and so.

she let herself black out.

*     *     *

charlie woke up slowly.

he hadn’t realized how much pain he had been in until the pain was gone, replaced by a strange warmth that made his head swim. he blinked a few times until the ceiling lights came into focus.

i’m in medical. they found us. we’re home.

he inhaled deeply, exhaled.

home. home. home.

there was beeping somewhere in the background as he tilted his head and saw nova, asleep in a chair next to his bed (along with an iv line that ended in his arm—that explained the lightness). she was so close. he watched her chest rise and fall, tried to memorize how her hair fell over her countenance. his heart sank at the darkness underneath her eyes. her face looked thinner.

there were questions that roamed around on the edges of his mind. he didn’t know where seraphim was, or his arm. and he was vaguely sure that there hadn’t been christmas lights up when they’d left. how long had they been gone?

but charlie left them where they were. for now, there was just one thing he wanted to do with what little energy he had.

gently, charlie reached out and took nova’s hand, moving it so that it rested between his head and his pillow. he pressed a slight kiss into her palm, a promise. he looked up at her one more time, though his vision stung and blurred. he closed his eyes and swallowed the lump in his throat.

on the other end of the medical bay, merlin sat in a chair against the far wall, carefully regarding seraphim. she had bandages wrapped around her head, covering her eyes; there were dark stains that reminded him a bit of smudged ink. he made no move to be closer, just watched her, holding his chin in one hand.

and charlie’s last thought before he fell back asleep rather mirrored the quartermaster’s.

she’s worth all of this.

… is she worth all of this?

somewhere upstairs, merlin could hear raucous singing, muted by the walls.

“said the king to the people everywhere, ‘listen to what i say! pay for peace, people everywhere! listen to what i say—the child, the child, sleeping in the night, he will bring us goodness and light, he will bring us goodness and light—!”

[poppyknitt]

Thank you.

All of you have done so much good, I can’t even put it into words.

However, since I do have a bit of a story to tell, to sort of explain part of why I say this, and also to show how far I’ve come since I made this account, back in august, 2016, I will give you that.

In the last two weeks of March, 2017, I was given medications for my depression. To help them work, my anxiety medications’ dosage was halved.

The medications I was already on had a possible side effect of causing twitching, with symptoms similar to, but not unlike that of tic disorders like tourette syndrome and chronic tic disorder, so I might as well have just walked in and said “hey! why not fuck up my head a bit?” or something, because that’s basically the consequence of those six weeks of hell.

By the end, I couldn’t get through the day without at least one panic attack over my grades, band class, or a sudden inability to think anything but the repeating thought of “I can’t think, I can’t think, I can’t even fucking think!” (which is apparently a symptom of anxiety, so I literally was panicking over my own fucking anxiety-). So, that, and the fact that my adhd medicines (the other meds with that side effect I mentioned) weren’t working anymore, I was taken off of them before we could even see if they were helping me. That incident vastly increased the speed at which my anxiety has been getting worse, and on top of that, after only three or four weeks on them, I’d developed a tic that I would go on to blame on my adhd from then until I finally researched what tics actually were- A sort of thing triggered by immense levels of fidgeting that made me hand sort of... spazz out. I wasn’t, and still can’t control it. Thankfully, though, that tic doesn’t come up as much as the others I’ve developed over these past (almost) two years.

After that, in late august that year, a close friend i’d only met a few weeks before, in june or july, found my discord account, and started harassing me and another friend, because we were somewhat crushing on each other, and he also liked me. This is another thing I loosely refer to as “The Incident”, though, a lot of times, i just call it the Stalker Incident, because that’s what it felt like at the time.

My anxiety and depression tanked.

But that was also because that school year, although I tried to pull myself together to get it right, was the worst one of my life so far. My band teacher, whom I would later, in the late weeks of spring of this year, discover could be classified as an emotional/verbal abuser of not only me, but everyone in his classes, was finally in his second year of working at my school, and he was even worse than the year before. That was really bad to me, because I had his class two times a day, and, even, before the end of the first two semesters, in November and December, three times a day.

Basically, what he did to teach was he would constantly look for even the slightest of mistakes, and with the students who were unlucky enough to not be his favorites, a lot of times even just ignore whatever minor improvements you made. I was the worst affected, probably because I was already technically being physically and mentally abused at home (though, I didn’t know, and I still sorta deny that it was abuse at all, because sadly, even though it’s a fucked up fact, that’s just how you react to being abused by a family member...), although not as often, and also because of the two previous incidents that increased my anxiety a shit ton and tanked my depression a fuckload. It didn’t help that my parents constantly turned blind eyes to the case I had at home, and they didn’t have enough education on the symptoms of non-physical abuse on the mind to be able to recognize that something just wasn’t right. But, of course, because of a lot of the shit that happened previously during my hellish middle school life, I’d learned not to trust the word of the adults in my life, nor to trust them to take action whenever I expressed that something needed a drastic change, because it just wasn’t right. So, of course, I wasn’t just about to tell them my teacher was abusing me.

Anyways, so, yet again, I found that by the end of March, last year, I was right back in the same place as I had been during the six weeks- Not going a day without at least one or two minor panic attacks. At that point, I basically thought it was normal to have a tiny bit of panic every day, so I didn’t really stop to think “Oh, fuck, this is really bad, I should get help for this”, until like, late April or early May, when I broke down in literal tears because I couldn’t get even one little, 4-beat rhythm exactly right every single time I played it, and I was afraid I’d be yelled at again over it. Keep in mind, I was the best percussionist, out of 4, so he was probably way harder on me than the others for that reason. It was at that point that my friends started offering for me to help them take him to court a second time in two years over his treatment of the students. The first time he went to court was because he allegedly strangled an 8th grader back in the 2016-2017 school year. Charges were dropped on the first case for some reason (I blame misogyny and white supremacy, especially because this was in a small community of narcissistic, racist southern white people who were mostly conservatives, even if they didn’t think they were. if you can’t tell, i hate my hometown.), but I haven’t heard anything on the more recent one, since I transferred to a school in the neighboring city to escape my bullies and the hellish band teacher, both of which usually harassed me in the band room, but some of whom also extended to the other classes.

I had to quit percussion because I can’t go into the setup of a band room anymore without having a minor panic attack. Percussion was literally the only thing I consistently looked forwards to in middle school, because I could never rely on my friends to be there every day of every week in those three years, and I also barely actually had a chance to see any of them and enjoy their company. So, uh, yeah, I was pretty upset that I couldn’t bear the thought of playing in a band room anymore.

Once I was out of school that summer, everything changed for the better, because I had gotten accepted into the highschool I applied to. No more unknowingly abusive band teachers. Hell, not even any unintentionally abusive brothers, either, because he was going off to college. I don’t think I should have to explain how my brother was abusive, seeing as he literally didn’t seem to care about me at all until he got bored, and would proceed to hurt or terrorize me for fun, and laugh when I looked like I was going to have a heart attack, for fear of getting seriously injured. Sure, he didn’t give that many visible injuries, but that doesn’t mean shit in abuse cases. Abuse is abuse, no matter how many physical injuries are involved. There’s a reason there’s shit categorized as “emotional” and “verbal” abuse, dumbass. (sorry to those who knew that, I’m just trying to give the ignorant fucktards a little subtle warning before they send me an aggressive “oh, but it’s not really abuse if-“ bullshit ask or something. though, considering that they clearly wouldn’t know abuse when they see it, and think that just because there’s no visual physical wounds, it isn’t abuse, I doubt they’d even get that I was telling them to fuck off.)

So, basically, last summer was like, a godsend. The school year had left me truly hating myself for literally the first time ever in my life, and so, since my appearance was one thing I hated, I chose to dye my hair black, and get a new hairstyle, one I’d never had before (t was unintentionally not what I had imagined, but at the same time, I still liked it better than my usual). That saw my depression leaving me alone to the point that for the first time in literal years, I finally wouldn’t be able to say “I can’t remember what happiness feels like” without it being a lie anymore. I finally made progress to getting better, because I was nearly free of the things that plagued me in every year of my life up until then.

For the first time in my life, it seemed, I was finally being shown that I was capable of happiness, which, of course I had started to doubt before then.

School started.

I met @chaoticcrimsonrose , and, I also finally managed to fall in love without loosing the feelings a week or so later, all in the same day (I still am in love with that wonderful girl, though, we aren’t exactly a thing yet). I’m not gonna go into that, though, because that’s not the point.

The point of this next section is that Crimson reintroduced me to the Jacksepticeye and Markiplier fandoms. I had sort of been in them since 2013 or 2014, but I had only ever watched Mark’s five nights at freddy’s videos, and Jack’s undertale, as well as a few other videos from their channels on occasion (Plus, I didn’t actually realize there were fandoms for the boys until then). Since then, I’ve met so many wonderful, amazing people full of positivity and love for one another, and really, I honestly had the most fun in the last four or five months of 2018 that I think I’ve ever had. Hell, even now, and back in early October, when my depression spiked back up, and came back to shoot me straight through the head, I’m still enjoying myself every time I go on tumblr or discord, because of the wonderful people in their communities.

Between finding my passion in life, and finally being shown that I actually have talents, and the ones I was ashamed of, such as my art, were so much better than I ever even thought they were, everything started finally going right for me in the end of 2018. And, even if PMA doesn’t help me very much when I’m down, I still love the idea behind it, and I’ll continue to try to spread it, even when I’m down.

I love the communities Mark and Jack have started, and I love the people they’ve become. They’re basically what I’ve been aspiring to be for literal years- that kind, caring person, who doesn’t care for money, and would much rather you help out those in need, than give them free money. On top of that, they’re also amazing storytellers, and have such wild, cryptic imaginations. (I’ve actually been told by Crimson many times that I remind her of their creating/writing styles, and especially of the cryptic bullshit they do, which I find hilarious, because of how long I went without knowing about those facets of their personalities. Quite the coincidence, don’t you think?)

Anyways, to sum it up, I guess i’m just saying I’m so glad I found this place when I did; there literally couldn’t have been a better time for me to start meeting more people on the internet who truly care, that i’m not worried about telling all this to, because I know no one here will judge me for things that are out of my control. (And, well, considering how unpredictable the environment I’ve grown up in could get at any moment, I think it’s fair to say that I’ve sorta learned I don’t really have that much control over my life anymore (Thus the cryptic “i have no control” post i made yesterday or something, when i sorta started realizing just how little i actually do have, just to see if i freaked anyone out)-)

Thank you all,

for being so kind and welcoming and accepting.

Thank you all,

for being supportive and helpful to those who need input or hugs.

Thank you, all, so much,

for just being so wonderful. I don’t know where I would be without these communities.

(though, knowing how low I’ve sunken since thanksgiving, I might not’ve made it to 2019... so... yeah, really, huge thanks to all of you-)

———

Extra special appreciation:

@chaoticcrimsonrose - Thank you, so much, for being the person to show me these communities, and help me get more invested in things. You’re basically the kind of sibling I’ve always wished to have, and I couldn’t thank you more for being who you are so much. Also, another thing: The SDS really was your greatest idea. We’ve all only been on it for a few days, but... Holy shit, man, we’re all basically a family on there, and I love that. I don’t know what it would be like for me if we didn’t have the server, but honestly, I don’t want to know, either.

@rorald-spooks - Thank you, for being such a goofy doofus and always being there to cheer me up with your stupid cryptic dumbassery, no matter what I’m saying or feeling.

@startschantingpma - connie you’re a hecking idiot but ily because you’re awesome at what you do and deserve all the hugs-

@tiny-septic-puppet - Good god, man, we’ve come so far. I still vividly remember the day Crimson told me she’d been sending you my fics, and you’d been really enjoying them. That was so amazing to hear. But, like, to think we’ve now gotten to the point that you’re basically like a father to me is... really weird, but also fucking awesome. Ily, dad, don’t stop being epic.

@doodle-min : Mom, holy shit, you’re like, so amazing. I’m so glad we met, and I’m excited to go into 2019 with you and the rest of our wacky discord family. I really hope you keep up your awesome streak of the thing you mentioned, and I hope life keeps getting better and better for you; you deserve every bit of happiness.

@oliverissad - OLLIIIEEEEEE!!!! ILY!!! START TAKING BETTER CARE OF YOURSELF BECAUSE OTHERWISE IMMA HUNT YOU DOWN AND HUG YOU TILL YOU UN-SADIFY OKAY?! that goes for the rest of you doofuses too!!! >:v

@og-wilford-warfstache-discord - Fuck you! Don’t you “heh” me! Ily wilf okay don’t ever doubt that or imma take a page from moms book and imma slap you with cheese damn it-

@singular-dorito - UNC SCHNEP!! what? yeah idk i’m running out of unique things to say to appreciate people, whoops. but ye same goes for you as it does the rest of the fam-

and the rest of the SDS family, because i didn’t get any tumblr tags from the others- i lOVE AND APPRECIATE ALL OF YOU PLS DONT HURT YOURSELF OKAY YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY

@antis-loyal-puppet , as well as everyone on the jacksepticeye writing discord- Thank you all, for being so supportive of me, and being such a joy to have around. You’re all fuckin amazing, and I wouldn’t trade our friendships for the world.

And of course, I’d also like to thank Jack and Mark for being such amazing people, and being the whole reason I even know any of the dumb idiots I’ve tagged or mentioned in this post. You guys are killin the game!

<3

i love all of you idiots. stay as pos as you can. i know way too well how hard it can be to do that, so, just,,, keep on tryin, mates, you deserve every bit of happiness if you’re reading this, even if I’ve never even once spoken to you or interacted with your stuff.