#ur characterizations just do smth to me apparently jsdfkj

[ashesrebirthed-a]

Dropping back down to the bed when the pill bottle is thrust into her hand, Cordelia doesn’t bother to deign most of Buffy’s rambles with a response. She can't. Even the parts that don’t fly straight out of her overwhelmed mind, the ones that do stick and make her want to snap back - she can’t work up that kind of energy twice. Not in this state.

Maybe you bring out the worst in me. That stings, but Cordelia fights not to let it show. All she does is level Buffy with a flat look, and almost takes two pills out of spite alone. In the end, she only swallows one.

“They always hurt,” she says once it's washed down. “Sometimes, I think they’re getting worse. Doyle, the guy who they were actually intended for - they still gave him wicked headaches for a minute when they happened, but he was half-demon and snapped back pretty fast. It wasn’t like this.”

The weight of what comes next hunches her over, palms heavy against the mattress barely holding her upright. “Then he died. Had to go be all stupid and heroic and sacrifice himself for the greater good, and - well, now I’m here.” Cordelia sinks lower into the bed, leaning back and swinging her legs up and around until only pillows stacked against the headboard keep her torso halfway upright. “I feel them, too. Their fear, their pain, whatever happens to them in my visions…" She looks back up at Buffy then, eyes wide and wet - maybe the most vulnerable she's ever been in her once-rival's presence. "All of it.”

Sighing, Cordelia shifts uncomfortably. Buffy had apologized this time, sure, but they can’t keep going on like this. And even if this one isn't on Cordelia, she has some shit to own up to in the bigger picture here, too. “Look, Owen was mostly just me being a mega bitch to you, so I get it. And I never ‘got’ him anyway, he always wanted you.” Much to past Cordelia’s chagrin, at that. “But Angel and Dawn - they’re so much more than that. I didn’t ‘get’ them. I only even ran into Angel by accident! They’re not toys I'm trying to steal out of your toy box, and I’m not gonna leave them behind just because you’re jealous.” Buffy's right, anyway; even if Cordelia's reasons had been petty, it's still not exactly an excuse. But... maybe Buffy still has the right to know that they're not, too.

“Especially Dawn. Angel and Wes are pretty much the only family I have left - that counts, anyway - but they’re big boys, they can handle themselves while I’m gone. Dawnie is fourteen and, if what I saw actually comes true, might go through some terrible things all alone. If I back off on top of all of that, it’s going to break her heart.” Cordelia knows she would've killed for something like this at Dawn's age: someone who really cared, not just because they had to. Something more than absentee parents and a pack of wolves in sheep's clothing, waiting for the first whiff of weakness to draw blood. “You don't have to like me, but I’ve already hurt enough people who didn’t deserve it to last a lifetime. I won’t do it to her too.”

buffy  knows  that  she’s  ignoring  it,  consciously  so.  maybe  that  makes  her  a  bad  person,  but  it  wouldn’t  be  the  first  time,  would  it  ?  of  course  she  notices  the  fingers  that  press  to  cordelia’s  temples,  the  PAIN  etched  in  her  tone,  the  look  of  exasperation  and  the  𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒔𝒉  𝒃𝒊𝒕𝒆  to  her  words.  for  a  second,  just  a  second  …  she  needs  to  bite  back,  to  prove  something.  ❛  it’s  more  important  than  just  me  screwing  him,  you  know  that.  i  killed  him,  did  you  forget  ?  for  the  greater  fucking  good  or  whatever  you  all  wanted  from  me.  it’s  not  like  i’m  …  like  i’m  not  making  sacrifices,  too.  ❜  but  the  green  of  her  envy  fades  easily,  and  the  rage  is  snuffed  out,  too.  replaced  with  shame,  when  she  realizes  that  yet  again,  cordelia  was  right.  this  wasn’t  1997,  and  highschool  grievances  were  just  that.  petty,  ridiculous,  childish  things  and  present  -  day  buffy  should  have  known  better. 

buffy  swallows  down  the  guilt,  pushes  past  cordelia  and  all  the  truth  that  she  throws  her  way.  she  rummages  around  her  top  drawer,  pulls  out  the  plastic  bottle  that  she  had  been  searching  for.  she  turns  with  an  abrupt  spin,  ❛  i  didn’t  ask  for  this,  for  your  help.  and  i’m  not  saying  i’m  not  grateful,  but  it’s  just  a  lot  to  get  used  to.  clearly  i’m  not  taking  it  so  well.  ❜  buffy  can’t  help  it,  can’t  help  but  argue  even  when  she  knows  maybe  the  better  response  would  be  to  just  apologize  and  move  on.  but  this  was  more  like  cordelia  and  buffy,  she  had  to  admit.  they  always  had  their 𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒕𝒍𝒆  𝒃𝒍𝒐𝒘  𝒖𝒑𝒔,  and  then  things  would  be  better  after.  or  maybe  that  was  just  what  buffy  was  telling  herself,  to  make  it  better.  ❛  here              ❜  she  thrusts  the  bottle  of  pills  towards  cordelia. doesn’t  ask  if  she’s  okay,  because  if  she  does  …  she’s  scared  she  might  start  caring,  caring  too  much.

❛  look  i’m  …  i  shouldn’t  have  come  in  here,  guns  all  ablaze.  ❜  well  that  was  a  start.  ❛  i  get  weird  about  him,  sometimes.  ❜  it’s  not  an  excuse,  she  thinks  …  but  maybe  it’s  enough  for  now.  𝒂𝒏𝒅  𝒔𝒉𝒆  𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒗𝒆𝒔  𝒊𝒕  𝒂𝒕  𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕.  ❛  i  know  these  visions  are  important,  but  i  didn’t  know  …  i  guess  i  never  thought  that  the  powers  that  be  or  whatever  would  make  it  so  hard  for  you.  i  mean,  really  …  aren’t  they  supposed  to  be  the  good  guys  ?  ❜  buffy  moves  to  go  to  her  bedside  table,  takes  the  water  bottle  there  and  hands  it  to  cordelia.  ❛  room  temp,  better  than  nothing  though,  right  ?  ❜

and  every time  she  accomplishes  what  could  be  considered  a  kind  act,  she  has  to  ruin  it.  ❛  i  think  maybe  i’m  just  jealous,  okay  ?  i’m  jealous  because  you  got  owen,  and  then  you  got  angel,  and  now  somehow  you  even  get  dawn,  too.  it’s  stupid,  and  i  shouldn’t  be  so  …  petty  about  it  all,  i  know  that  and  i’m  sorry.  ❜  she’s  almost  breathless,  rambling  on  to  hopefully  get  a  POINT  across.  ❛  maybe  i’m  not  as  mature  as  i  should  be,  or  maybe  you  bring  out  the  worst  in  me  sometimes.  ❜  buffy  lets  out  a  breathy  laugh,  ‘cause  that  sure  was  helping.  ❛  it’s  a  lot,  my  whole  space  is  cordelia-fied.  it’s  like  i’m  living  and  breathing  cordelia,  and  i  was  just  with  dawn  ...  she  wouldn’t  stop  going  on  and  on  about  you  so  it  was  like  geez,  what  am  i  ?  chopped  liver  !  ❜  …  a beat. then, finally. ❛ i  am  sorry,  though.  it’s  …  it’s  not  an  excuse.  ❜  she  shrugs,  looks  down  and  picks  at  the  skin  of  her  nails.  ❛  does  this  always  happen  ?  are  they  always  gonna  hurt  this  much  for  you  ?  i  don’t  know  how  strong  those  pills  are,  maybe  take  one  for  now.  just  to  be  safe.  ❜