#unfortunately i have Needs To Make Everything More Detailed And Complex disorder

[red-dyed-sarumane]

for the artist asks!!!! 21, 16, 5, 3

3. Least favorite things to draw?

feet. theoretically i know how feet should work but attaching a foot to the ankle in a way that looks nice is just the worst. if u see me draw anything below the knee know i used my entire brain power for it.

5. Anything you haven't drawn yet but want to?

everything ever. if i had to pick one i have a big piece for kyuuyaku in my mind & have for a while but its so background heavy i havent committed yet. in terms of smaller things i still want to draw all the musical isotopes by themselves but i dont like coloring pure white so u can see where the issue lies. yes i know tenshis mostly white in color scheme & i draw her all the time but shes Special shes my specialest girl she gets privileges.

16. What's the most daunting part of your process? Ex, planning, sketching, lineart, rendering etc

backgrounds that require me to think about perspective arent necessarily bad just require so much thought i dont do it often or blur it slightly so i can cheese it. its not cheating its "camera focus" or whatever u want to call it. but out of my usual stuff. hair. its hair. why do i do hair like this why cant i stop doing hair like this. it takes FOREVER bc its literally one line at a time but its so fun to make it go all over the place. also its pretty. look at this im not even done the first part of shading & it looks so much softer than not doing it. (dont do hair like this unless u have a really specific set up u WILL be leaving with wrist damage)

21. Weirdest thing you've ever drawn?

girl with fish for arms. i dont think i have it anymore to show it wasnt even that weird its just. a girl but with large goldfish for arms.

[theanxiousstudentblog]

What I've learned from the first year of university: the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Three years later than expected, I finished my first year of university. At first, admittedly, it didn't feel like much; I submitted my final assignment, logged off of my student account, and went to watch the new series of The Real Housewives. It wasn't until a few weeks had passed that I was finally hit with how much this milestone meant to me and all the emotions that came with finally getting through the first academic year as a university student. This may not seem like a big achievement to some (I remember how in sixth form we were always made to believe that the first year of university was a piece of cake and way easier than A-levels) but, for me, it has been a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs. These emotions and thoughts are what have inspired me to write this post, specifically the feeling that university can be very very different from what you expect.

How I got here.

When I was younger, one of my sole dreams was to go to university. This may have seemed odd to some as I suffered from extreme anxiety when I was younger and actually refused to go to school between the ages of 7 and 9. However, it was never the academic side of schooling that worried me but the social side and being away from my family. I loved learning and I knew that I wanted to take my academic career to the highest possible level I could. The idea that I could pick any subject that I was interested in and do a whole course solely centered on teaching me as much as I could absorb was infatuating to me. It was for this reason that I spent so much effort making sure that I achieved good grades, despite my time off. I had my sights set on a prestigious university in London and in 2018 I received an offer to study there. However, instead of feeling excited about my future, I was engulfed with a feeling of dread. Unfortunately, due to events in my private life, my anxiety which had previously been kept under control by CBT and medication began to skyrocket. I would later learn that I developed complex PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) during this time. For the sake of keeping this blog post to a somewhat reasonable length, I will keep this account brief by saying that these difficulties eventually led to me pulling out of the London university and I decided to go to a local uni closer to home after taking a year off for my mental health (for a more detailed account you can look at one of my previous IG posts published 24/05/20).

Expectations vs...

I was excited for what awaited me at my local university; it was close enough to see my family whenever I wanted but still gave me the independence that I felt I needed to grow. Moving day came and went and it seemed to be going pretty smoothly, albeit some hiccups that came with my anxiety. It is important to note that I gave the university's wellbeing service a heads-up about my conditions before moving in so, at first, I felt confident that if I had any issues they would be able to work through them with me. However, over the next couple of weeks, my anxiety grew and grew, finally reaching its peak when my housemate turned around to me and told me that I needed to shut it about my mental health issues and stop hanging out with her. This triggered a major episode in my PTSD and I suddenly felt like I was spiraling out of control. However, despite my attendance beginning to drop and the multiple times I was having to leave lectures early due to panic attacks, I still sustained a level of confidence that my university would be able to give me the reasonable adjustments that the wellbeing team had spoken to me about before starting the term. Sure, they hadn't got back to my emails with any tangible support in weeks, but they couldn't just leave me like this...could they? All throughout my schooling, I was made to believe that educational settings were environments where any appetite to learn was nurtured and fed; education meant an opportunity to achieve anything you worked hard enough for, despite your background, disability, or start in life. Wouldn't universities be the ultimate conceptualization of this meritocracy?

Reality

Unfortunately, this vision would be quickly shattered by the stark reality of my treatment by my head of department and the well-being team. I go into more detail about this treatment in the IG post mentioned previously, but in summary I was given two choices: I get my attendance back to 100% with no support/reasonable adjustments from the university, or I leave/defer until I was "better". There was no comprehension from the uni that this wouldn't have a definable recovery date; I've been dealing with long-term mental illness since I was a child and it is something I've learned to live with alongside the appropriate support. To wait until I was "better" would potentially mean waiting forever. On top of that, I went out of my way to prove to my department that I was keeping up with my work and had achieved top marks on the most recent assignment but little recognition was given to my current grades. From the weeks since I started at university I'd met multiple people who had little passion in their subject or who were just at university because they thought it was what they should do. No hate to these people (I think the pressure young people face to go to university is a whole 'nother issue in itself) but I couldn't help but compare myself to them. The university didn't care that they had a whole student population of disillusioned young people who were indifferent to their academic fields but drew the line at a motivated student who suffered from mental illness. It became clear this wasn't an environment for people like me who were simply viewed as a wrench in the works. In December 2019, I was given no other option but to drop out of my university.

Starting again and the lessons I have learned

What was the worst blow to my mental health? Being kicked out because of my mental health...Having to leave university was a massive blow to my self-esteem and I began to catastrophize what that meant for my future. Luckily I had my family for support and my mum pushed me to look into the Open University, an institution based on distance learning. I enrolled part-time for the start of February (unfortunately I had missed the cohort to start full-time) and decided to focus on my therapy. This actually worked out great for me as in 2020 I was diagnosed with PTSD and started EMDR so being a part-time student gave me enough space to process the emotions that came up in my treatment. The Open University has been so helpful in making sure my needs are met and I have been so grateful to finally find an inclusive learning environment. It is definitely not how I planned to be experiencing university and I still do feel some disappointment in not getting the full "student experience" but it has also taught me some valuable lessons and given me a new insight into how far our education system still needs to go. These are the things I have learned:

Education isn't about degrees or academic prestige. Education is about a person's desire to learn, whether that be through books or the sheer act of being. Everyone requires different conditions to which they need to learn and thrive, and unfortunately, many academic institutions tend to expect us all to be cut from the same cloth. Despite this, no one can take away your passion to learn, and as long as you're living, you are learning.

There can be no equality without equity. The truth is people enter schooling from all different backgrounds and circumstances and it is not enough for institutions to treat everyone the same. In terms of mental health, many people are quick to say they recognise that mental illness can be just as debilitating as physical illness however until they put the actions and policies into place to make environments more tolerant and accessible then their words mean nothing. This means taking the time to talk to individual students about what they require and realise that the most important thing that a university can do is create a place where EVERYONE can learn. Schooling creates the foundations on which the future of our society is built and the fact that inclusion is barely making it on the blueprint is scary to me.

COVID has shown that in this digital age, attendance ISN'T everything. If only I could go back to that final meeting with my head of department and tell him that in a few months time everyone's attendance would be at 0%! Seriously though, this is a wake-up call to how simple accessibility can be if you just invest in a good digital learning platform that allows for people who can't attend in person to still be included.

You can be an academic and still put your mental health first. Despite what my first university led me to believe, my time at the OU has shown me that you do not have to sacrifice one over another. In fact, it has shown me that my mental health recovery and student journey can work hand-in-hand, encouraging each other along.

But most importantly...

It has shown me that despite the pressure to make your university years fit into a nice, neat package of fun, good grades, and self-enlightenment, it most likely won't happen like that. That's okay, let it go and keep moving.

[nblenasabrewing]

Does Lena have PTSD?

This excellent post from @drummergirl231-2 goes into a detailed analysis about Della and the examples showing possible PTSD. I, being who I am, wanted to look at the same for Lena. Full credit goes to them for the idea and format!

According to the DSM-5, in order for a person to be diagnosed with PTSD, they must have a certain number of symptoms from eight categories: Criteria A through H.

For a diagnosis of PTSD, someone needs: to meet Criterion A to have at least 1 symptom from Criterion B to have at least 1 symptom from Criterion C to have at least 2 symptoms from Criterion D to have at least 2 Symptoms from Criterion E to meet Criteria F, G, and H

DISCLAIMER: I am not a professional. I do NOT have a degree in anything related to psychology and simply enjoy dissecting the layers of a fictional character. If you feel you fit any of the criteria, please see a professional for a real diagnosis. This isn’t something that can be easily self-diagnosed, and a professional diagnosis would open you to more opportunities for help.

Lena does and doesn’t fit the criteria in general for PTSD. She’s certainly suffered from traumatic events, but the event is more... her entire life. She’s a classic child abuse victim, which makes her more of a candidate for C-PTSD. 

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD; also known as complex trauma disorder) is a psychological disorder that can develop in response to prolonged, repeated experience of interpersonal trauma in a context in which the individual has little or no chance of escape. Being stuck with Magica for fifteen years absolutely contributes to Lena’s current issues. C-PTSD and PTSD share similarities, there are a distinct differences - mainly that PTSD focuses on one event and the effect it has on a person long term, while C-PTSD focuses on years of repeated trauma. However, there’s no approved criterion yet for C-PTSD. So I’m using the PTSD criterion with some added explanation where C-PTSD would be applicable. 

Criterion A: The traumatic event

A person must be exposed to one or more events involving threatened or actual death, threatened or actual serious injury, or threatened or actual sexual violation in one of the following ways:

Direct involvement

Witnessing the event happen to someone else

Hearing about it happen to a loved one

Repeatedly hearing details about traumatic events, such as police officers repeatedly hearing stories of abuse

The obvious example here: Lena effectively died. Twice. Following that, she was trapped in a realm where she couldn’t be seen or heard by anyone and she couldn’t touch anything for six months (give or take). Her first interaction with anything since she had been trapped there was smacking the Boggle case in Friendship Hates Magic! And even she’s surprised by that.

In addition, she spent fifteen years with Magica in her shadow, who effectively acted as an abusive parental figure. She’s proven to be an expert in gaslighting, and knows exactly how to manipulate Lena - by hanging the promise of freedom over her head and reminding her repeatedly that people will think she’s a monster if they find out the truth about her.

Criterion B: Intrusive Symptoms

Expected or unexpected reoccurring, involuntary, and intrusive upsetting memories

Repeated nightmares related to the traumatic event

Some form of dissociation, such as flashbacks, where the individual truly feels the traumatic event is happening again

Strong emotional distress when exposed to internal or external triggers associated with the traumatic event

Strong bodily reactions (such as rapid heart rate) when exposed to reminders of the traumatic event.

Nightmares: While we can’t say for absolute sure that Lena has nightmares outside of Magica’s influence via the helmet in NOKH, the fact that no one is surprised by her nightmares does seem to imply that’s she probably had more than she’s letting on. Lena’s biggest fear is turning into Magica, after all - it’s no surprise she would have dreams along that line.

Emotional distress, strong bodily reactions: These really come out in Violet’s library, when Lena gets overwhelmed and tries to hide. The fish-eye view of everyone trying to talk to her while she sees Magica over their shoulders was most likely meant to imply she was having at least the start of a panic attack.

In addition, her reaction to Webby calling her (looking like Magica) a monster was pretty extreme. Again, the dream world setting makes things a bit wobbly, but given everything we know about Lena up to this point, and the fact that she yelled at Magica for saying they’re both monsters, it feels safe to assume she’d be angry and upset and scared if anyone ever called her a monster (again, something Magica constantly used against her.)

Criterion C: Avoidance

An individual with PTSD will frequently avoid reminders of the traumatic event in one of the following ways:

Avoiding thoughts, feelings, or physical sensations that trigger memories of the traumatic event

Avoiding people, places, conversations, activities, objects, or situations that bring up memories of the traumatic event

Whether the nightmares were caused by Magica or not, their effect on Lena is real and pretty easy to see. She sets up an entire sleepover just so the kids can help keep her awake. Avoiding sleep to avoid nightmares is pretty extreme.

She also continues to keep secrets from everyone despite Webby’s constant reassurances that they all care about her and don’t think she’s anything like Magica, because the alternative is having to talk about it or worse, have her fears confirmed.

Criterion D: Negative changes in thoughts and mood

The inability to remember important details of the traumatic event

Persistent and elevated negative thoughts about oneself, others, or the world

Exaggerated self-blame or blame of others for the cause or consequence of the traumatic event

Pervasive negative emotional state (anger, fear, shame, etc.)

Loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities

Feeling isolated or detached from others

Difficulty experiencing positive emotions

Lena’s opinion of herself seems to be pretty low. We only get one episode to really see it, but her fear of turning into Magica and active attempts to avoid such an outcome definitely make it seem like she still considers herself “evil”, and is trying to make up for it. She also readily gives in and says, “I am her”, essentially giving up on herself.

The dream adventures also excellently illustrate how Lena feels “Othered” from everyone else - they get butterfly wings, she gets weird monster wings. She falls behind at Dewey High and is separated from the others. She’s the only one in Louie’s dream, aside from Louie himself, to experience any sort of physical change. Even when she tries to be happy with them, she can’t keep up the facade.

And before all of this there’s the classic example of her being jealous of Violet (under the guise of protecting Webby from being tricked again). She immediately assumes the worst of Violet and follows Webby around telling her not to trust Violet.

Criterion E: Alterations in reactivity that started or worsened after the traumatic event

Irritability or aggressive behavior

Impulsive or self-destructive behavior

Hypervigilance (feeling constantly on-guard, or like danger is lurking around every corner)

Heightened startle response

Problems with concentration

Sleep disturbances, such as difficulty falling or staying asleep, or restless sleep

Lena’s personality in season one was mostly that of the sarcastic, irritating cool teenager who can’t be bothered. Under that, she was an unwilling slave to Magica, and while she did show irritable tendencies toward her, those can be forgiven as “Magica is terrible and provokes her.”

Season two, on the other hand, shows us a much different teenager - one who snaps easily and seems constantly frustrated by her own perceived shortcomings. Those emotions, of course, come out on the other kids (i.e. snapping at Huey and Violet). And while all of that can be attributed to her inability to sleep, which is being driven by Magica, Frank’s already said this isn’t the last we’ll see of Lena’s emotoinal growth and negative feelings.

Criterion F: The above symptoms must last for more than one month.

Obviously time is relative in Ducktales. Given everything that was going on around them, we can assume she’s been home for around a month-ish. Donald left for a month-long cruise two episodes before Lena came back, and everything after that has to have taken place within that month or it would have been way too obvious something was up. And again, Frank has said this is going to come up again. But even while she was still in the Shadow Realm, she was showing signs of trauma.

Criterion G: Distress from symptoms significantly impairs the individual’s ability to function in multiple areas of life (social, occupational, etc.).

While we haven’t seen much of Lena’s daily life, we do know a few things - before returning, she was living in Webby’s shadow, presumably following her around and getting comfortable in her shadow-y life. Violet throws a complete monkey wrench into that comfortable life, and Lena reacts... poorly, to say the least. She initially refuses to take responsibility for the tulpas feeding off her own negative feelings, continuing to project all the reasons she hates herself onto Violet (”She’s a spy, she’s a second-rate me,” etc.).

In NoKH we see that the triplets aren’t quite used to the fun, happy persona Lena tries to project, which immediately gets a frustrated yell and fire flaring up. She’s so worried about trying to be Good that her anxiety bubbles over into her life. She’s also constantly keeping secrets, something that is, unfortunately, normal for her, but not normal overall.

Criterion H: The symptoms are not due to substance abuse, medication side-effects, or another condition.

So the real issue comes in here - while there’s no medication or substance abuse, there is an outside force. Most of what we see of Lena’s symptoms are due to increasing sleep deprivation via Magica’s brainwave helmet. By the time NoKH starts she’s already gone at least several days without sleep, and it’s obvious the dreams are deeply affecting to her, to a point where she arranges an entire sleepover with her friends just to keep from going to sleep. There’s no way to know what she was dreaming about (although I have a few theories), but it almost certainly involved Magica, the main cause of her trauma. And we see how understandably upset she gets when she’s finally face to face with Magica.

In conclusion:

Lena is a complicated character with a lot of different factors playing into who she is, but there’s little doubt that after fifteen years of emotional/psychological abuse, two deaths, and six months trapped in what could almost be summarized as an isolation chamber, that Lena has some serious trauma. And while Magica influenced a lot of NOKH, it should also be noted that Magica, as her abuser, most likely acts as her trigger now. She spends the entire dream sequence running away from Magica, terrified to confront her. And while she has an amazing, empowering moment at the end of the episode, I’m sure this is going to come back up again.

(***All GIFs by me)

[loverofpiggies]

After having a bit of a breakdown, I'm struggling to pull myself out of it. Any tips? I dont want to lose my job but its affecting my performance because I have panic attacks at work and a part of me is so scared that I'm somehow faking it and am really just lazy or something

I recall, back when I worked at Hobby Lobby still, I had a panic attack so bad I thought it was a heart attack, and I was sure I was dying.Shortly after, I recall being in such a panicked state, that driving home from work one day, I was so overwhelmed with absolutely everything, I almost just. Drove as far north as I could, and mentally planned to live in hotels until I ran out of money in my savings account.

I was having some bad mental breakdowns during that time, wasn’t great to my friends and girlfriend, and closed myself off almost entirely. It was pure hell. So I have DEFINITELY been there.

First things first: You are definitely not lazy. Living with that kind of anxiety, it puts your brain and body into overdrive. Your brain is working so hard trying to curb all that, that I’m sure it’s exhausting. Hell, it did me.

I know this is advice that a lot of people are given. But first things first,

talking to a professional therapist literally saved my life.

(I’m bolding that, because I STRONGLY recommend a professional. I can only speak from personal experience, but I am no therapist!) You have to find a good one, and I highly suggest going every single week (It’s been 5 years, and I only miss when I have to) But here are a couple things I have personally learned.(A ton of text under the cut!)

1. Journal the feelings out.

Let yourself feel all those awful emotions- but ONLY in a safe environment. If you do not think you are ready to face it, that’s okay, it’s all baby steps. But when you try to shove down scary, or unfortunate things, they will always find a way out- and anxiety is a great outlet for pent up feelings.

The reason why I say to journal, is when you try to speak to yourself, or talk it out- your brain has a tendency to try and rationalize away your feelings. My therapist told me directly to JOURNAL, because speaking is another step that your brain can use against you- but writing down? Your thoughts can be dropped directly on to paper, with WAY less rationalizing your feelings away. I didn’t believe my therapist when I first started journaling, but boy howdy, it’s been a miracle.

2. It’s okay to not be okay.

This is one I still struggle with, but let me explain it in more detail. You worry you’re faking it, or you’re being lazy, but that definitely isn’t the case. It’s OKAY to not be alright. I used to be extremely hard on myself, too. I used to be like ‘Everything is going my way. Why can’t I be happy?’ ‘What is wrong with me?’ ‘I’ve made my dreams come true, why am I still so unhappy?’

I was being so hard on myself, I was intensifying it, and making it even worse. I started to curb those thoughts, by just being honest with myself. ‘I feel like crud today. It’s fine, I’m just going to let myself feel like crud.’ or ‘Okay okay, brain I get you, I’ll take a break’.

The funny thing is, the more you teach yourself it’s okay to not be okay, it helps give you more good days. The less hard you are on yourself about your anxiety, the less intense the anxiety gets. Accepting the bad parts of you and learning to love yourself with those parts, actually tends to lessen the bad things from happening. They still happen, but it’s WAY less painful, and usually lasts way less time, too.

3. Be brave.

Let me use a couple of examples for this one.

I used to be too terrified to leave my house. I was certain if I were to- say- take a walk down the street, I would be attacked, or murdered. Like, legit, daily fears. I don’t live in a dangerous area- but I treated it like a warzone.

Certain times- I’m not kidding you- I used to be too scared to leave my closet. I can’t go into detail about that, but. Yes, that was daily life for me for a while.

So? I was scared to take walks. So I made myself take walks. I started taking walks for five minutes every day. During those five minutes, I would absolutely be panicking. I’d be checking behind me. I’d think all sorts of terrifying thoughts. But. I made myself walk.

Then I bumped it up to ten minutes. Then twenty. And let me make it very clear- through out most of this, I was scared. Every step of the way. Terrified. But I knew, that if I did not face this fear, then it would cripple, and control me.

Because I forced myself to make those baby steps back in college, and become more and more open- it is the only way I could have possibly traveled to sell at conventions. Now? I fly around the country, and take public transport, and hell, today I’ve been hanging out at a ton of local parks just because it’s fun- and the only reason I got that far, was because I had a fear, and I faced it- no matter how much terror it gave me.

This is related to everything. In therapy, I HAD to face memories that I shoved away for years. It was hard. And it was scary, and I cried, and I felt all those things I had to feel-- but because I faced them, and with the help of my therapist, learned how to handle them- I’ve never felt so confident, or brave. Because I faced walking outside, or faced my deepest insecurities- it is the ONLY reason I am where I am.

Remember: I used to be terrified of leaving my home- and now I spend entire days exploring the outdoors. Why do you think I enjoy posting lots of instagram videos about my outdoor experiences? I know people who have never faced those fears like I have.... and trust me. It is not a life I’d wish on anyone. So no matter how scary it is- you do have the strength to do it, but you have to be gentle with yourself and take gentle steps.

And to face these fears in this way? Gives you a CRAPTON of confidence, let me tell you. I’ve never been more certain I can face whatever life throws at me- because I keep forcing myself to face the scary things anyway.

And 4- the thing that took me the longest to learn.

4. There is nothing wrong, with doing medication.

For years, I did everything I was supposed to. I went to therapy every single week. I journaled almost daily, I made myself start taking walks- I made myself start doing things I was too scared to do, and so I did EVERYTHING I could.

And I want to make it extremely clear, all those things I did changed my life significantly for the positive. But sometimes, on top of all the other junk, you still have a chemical imbalance going on. Remember, the human brain is huge and complicated and it takes a lot of things to function the way it’s supposed to. And sometimes, something in it is just kinda off.

From my extremely, EXTREMELY limited understanding of the brain (don’t @ me) my brain was either burning through serotonin too quickly, or not producing enough. Serotonin is related to a lot of things, like depression and anxiety.

Even though I did all the other things I was doing, and they were DEFINITELY, absolutely helping me- there was still an imbalance- and I began taking medication to help correct it.

And there is a reason I put this on number 4. The only reason the medication helps as much as it does, is because I have all the other skills I’ve gained. Medication is not a cure all. It helps with my anxiety yes, but only because I’ve gained the skills to recognize when I’m having increased anxiety. Because I know when I need to journal, or take time to myself, or spend a day outside, or to talk to my therapist- THAT is why my medication has helped so much. My medication was the final step, literally the final tool I needed, on top of everything else I use daily to keep myself mentally in check.

And a final thing to remember?

This takes time.

When you do all these things, the therapy, the journaling, all this self assessment, what you’re really learning to do, is to reprogram your brain. I was reprogramming my brain from having intense fear from going outside. I reprogrammed my brain in a billion more subtle ways, to benefit me. I only was able to do this, with a licensed professional, that I connected with and that I could tell cared about my wellbeing.

And five years ago, hell, even three years ago- I was a wreck. And all this work? This struggle? This deep dive into my brain? God, it’s so worth it. It’s really, REALLY damn worth it. I had to teach my brain that it didn’t need to protect me by putting up all these barriers, that I wanted to feel all the things it was trying to protect me from... and it’s changed everything. I’ve never felt so content.

And once again, that IS with diagnosed complex trauma, anxiety disorder and PTSD. You can live with those things and be happy, but you gotta fight for it. The fight is hard, but the results are absolutely worth it.

And even if you don’t think you can do it, I know you can. The brain likes to be really hard on itself, but that doesn’t mean everything it thinks is true. Because I’ve been there. I thought I couldn’t do it. I thought I’d be trapped feeling awful forever. But I fought- in small ways, then in big ways.

You just have to find the right direction to go. And, I hope this helps you pick a direction that will help you. 

[rebellect-writes]

[b]Name:[/b] Jess. [b]Age:[/b] Infinity! [b]How did you find us?:[/b] You know how.

[b]Name:[/b] Zandria Felicia Chance. [b]Nicknames:[/b] [LIST] [*] Alexandria Chance - On her fake ID. [*] Zan. [*] Zandy. [/LIST][b]Age:[/b] 29. [b]Date of Birth:[/b] 20th August, 1982. [b]Gender:[/b] Female. [b]Sexual Orientation:[/b] Straight. [b]Occupation:[/b] Server at a coffee shop at the moment. Moonlights as an “amateur” vocalist.

[b]Powers:[/b] Nope, she’s got no powers except good old female intuition when people are lying to her. Does that count?  

[b]Face Claim:[/b] Anna Paquin. [b]Description:[/b] [IMG]http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l6211b3bre1qa7nf2o1_500.jpg[/IMG][LIST]Standing at 5’6” ½ tall; Zandria’s about average sized for a female her age. She’s quiet slim for her age, and while she has the right curves where they’re needed, more so as she weighs in a mere 132lbs. Most of which is toned muscle. Light green hazel eyes look out from behind long brown bangs. Her hair goes down past her shoulders, to rest between her shoulder blades and more times than enough she keeps it tied back. Normally it has a colour running through it. And thus, her fringe is white. It has been red, purple and blonde in the past. It just brings out her pale skin tone out more.

As to what she wears Zandria limits herself to a grungy styled wardrobe. She’s a punk, and it isn’t uncommon for her to go around in shredded jeans, flannel shirts or t-shirts and just complete the look with a pair of Doc Martin boots or sneakers. For short armed shirts and tops, she’ll most likely wear a pair of long gloves and a scarf. She’s not the type to think about what she actually wants to wear and throws on the first thing that comes to mind. The only thing that will make her pause is the prospect of a dress or a skirt. She doesn’t like showing off her legs, bless! While she may look like a hick, she does it with style.

While she may not be that big into fashion, it doesn’t mean that Zandria doesn’t have a few other surprises. These come in the form of scars, tattoos, piercings and birth marks and other assorted visible features that are all Zandria Chance. Ok, so the basics would be a small birth mark on the back of her left calf. Her ears a pierced, one set based at the lobe. She did have her ears pierced twice on her right ear, further up along the shell of her ear. She’s removed the last two small hops however and left them at that.

As far as tattoo’s go, she has two small butterfly tattoos on her right hip bone. Her other tattoo is a full back custom design she got when she was fourteen, [URL=http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_EjY286oGjWw/TCRl04-SaWI/AAAAAAAAALM/ZNM2ThLrKSQ/s1600/sexy_tattoo_girl_back_tattoo.jpg]Tattoo.[/URL]. The only jewellery she has on her often is a platinum pendant that Ollie gave her on their first anniversary, and a pair of stud earrings. [/LIST]

[b]Special Skills:[/b] N/A.

[b]Personality:[/b][LIST]Zandria is naturally patient, accepting and slightly curious about things when she should probably not be that curious at all. She’s also very accepting of things. Surprising isn’t it? That a serial killer’s steady girl friend could be so understanding of a world full of  other monsters such as lycanthropes and vampires.

While she may be accepting and kind, Zandi doesn’t trust right off the bat but once you do earn her trust, the girl is loyal to a tee and won’t ever let you down. She isn’t afraid to speak her mind, hell her stubborn streak is a mile long, but put her up against an obvious dominant and she’ll shut right up – though planning revenge in her head is just the same as speaking, no? More fun that way as well.

Of course that doesn’t stop her from getting out there and making a scene if she has to. She’s the type of person that will think things out after the fact for the simple thrill it gives her. Of course trouble making isn’t one of her stronger skills; she leaves that to others and manipulates the situation. There have been cases where she’s just started some chaos, bar fights and the like for fun, but that’s nothing to do with her anger issues.

For someone that manages to piss Zan off; is someone that’s either going to hurt or someone she’s going to ignore from then on in. It takes a lot for someone to provoke a reaction from her, but when it happens, and it has, everyone knows about it in the worst ways possible. If she can catch herself before she blows a gasket then she’ll back off and find somewhere to cool down, if she can’t, well, she’ll make the most of what she’s got. Normally though? Zandria Chance is a down to earth kind of girl that just muddles through life as best she can. [/LIST][b]Likes:[/b][LIST] [*] Fruit tea over coffee. [*] Action movies, where a female is the hero of the hour. [*] Warm weather but cold's alright.   [*] Swimming. It's a good stress reliever, honestly. [*] Singing. With or without a mike, she can spit lyrics. [*] Bar hoping with Oliver. [*] Music....Well, anything but classical. [*] Reading. The best cure for a headache she knows. [*] Exploring new things. She'll give anything a try once. [*] Dancing. Up close and personal. [*] Causing trouble when she's bored. It's more a bad habit than anything. [/LIST][b]Dislikes:[/b] [LIST] [*] Being woken up once she’s managed to get to sleep for anything short of the Apocalypse. [*] Arrogant bossy men that think women are weak willed toys to boss around. [*] Rainy stormy nights. [*] Dry toast. Ew. [*] Bad horror movies. I mean, really? [*] Idiots that don't know how to treat a woman right. [*] Vampires. [*] Being dragged into the centre of attention. She fights her own battles, not others. [*] Perverts trying to cop a feel in bars. [*] The idea she could be a mother. No thanks. [/LIST][b]Weaknesses:[/b][LIST] [*] Disorganized when she’s stressed out. [*] Oliver Frost. He’s defiantly a weakness. She can’t say no to him. [*] Her defiant streak. [*] She puts others before herself, even if she’s hurt. [*] She has a small OCD complex when it comes to music. [*] People she knows being used against her. [*] She can be spontaneous at times. Compliments of a short attention span. [/LIST][b]Strengths:[/b] [LIST] [*] She knows when to keep her mouth shut [*] Relying on herself. She’s done it all her life. [*] She can say no. Just. [*] Stubborn streak a mile long. [*] Knowing Ollie cares about her, gives her strength. [*] Naturally, she doesn’t take crap from jerks. [*] She’s remarkably accepting once you get to know her [/LIST][b]History:[/b] [LIST]Born in the late summer of 1982 in downtown New York, Zandria Chance was brought into the world screaming with a healthy set of lungs on her. Her mother, Raven, unfortunately didn’t want her, she made that clear every day from then on in, and so her father Michael and her brother older brother Ben raised her from day one. All the while Raven hissed and tried to ignore the fact she’d had a girl instead of another son like she’d wanted, this worried her husband but nothing was ever done about it. After a while the thought of another son was nice for Michael, a daughter was a new experience for the Chance’s and he tried to show his wife that everything was ok. Raven point blankly shut him down and Zandria was never left alone with her mother for that. Ben was the one that made sure mommy didn’t kill her and say it was an accident, because he had a secret that he was to scared too tell anyone else. Mommy didn’t take her pills like she was supposed to.

When Zan’s fifth birthday rolled around, Mike was working in a local club run by mafia cartel situated in Las Vegas. He didn’t even know that he was taking his children to work with him, in a club that was run by extended family that he’d tried to pull away from when he himself had been a teenager. He’d thought he’d managed to do that until the head of the Bradshaw family rolled into town, bringing with them Zandria and Benny’s little cousin, Zephan along with him. You could say that hell froze over to be honest as Mike was called out for his average Joe lifestyle and unwillingly dragged back into the family business. Thus this gave Grace and Raven a chance to meet, and wouldn’t you know it, the two became best friends.

Three weeks later after the Bradshaw’s had left the city and returned to Vegas and a lot of lying and ‘bonding time’ with her children, Raven slit her wrists in the tub of a cheap motel room leaving her husband a note saying how she’d never loved him and the brats could go to hell with him for all she cared. A medical examination uncovered details of Raven’s past that she’d never told anyone buried in her medical records. She’d suffered from a bi polar disorder seen her teen years and as well bouts of postnatal depression. Broken up, the single father returned back to the life he’d tried so desperately not to tangle his kids in, and the one that welcomed him into the fold was none other than Grace Bradshaw.

So Zandria and Benny grew up treading the line between being normal children and being in danger, as their father worked for Jake anything was bound to happen as the mafia boss was a drugs lord and yet wore the front of a respectable businessman in Las Vegas. By the time Benny was seventeen he was already pulling away further and further from that life just like his father had done. By the time Zandria was the same age, Benny was no longer in their lives. Zandria had some pretty big ideas herself and while she loved her Bradshaw cousins, she couldn’t stand it anymore. Her father was barely home for them anymore as it was, and so she took off to start a life on her after stealing enough cash to keep her steady for a few months and the only person she told was the younger Zephan. It broke her heart to leave him in that hell, but she’d had enough.

Why oh why are jocks such dicks? The answer’s simple really. Give them a pretty girl on stage and a beer, and most men become assholes. Having kept on the move for three years, Zandria found her way into a small back dive in San Francisco. Doing a set on stage, she drew in enough money to keep her room at the motel, but she also attracted the attention of a certain broody Frost that had been on the stage before her. Without even thinking about it, she slipped off stage after her set and bought him a beer out of the blue. They made it out to her truck and what came natural…well came natural. When they finally pulled themselves back into the real world a bar fight had broken out into the lot. Truckers mostly, but Ollie dived right in and so did she. The funniest thing was after the fight, they’d grabbed their gear and run from it before the cops had come along to sort everything out; she was oddly comfortable around him. She felt safe. Numbers were exchanged by the time dawn kicked their butts and demanded they crash and burn. When she woke up Oliver was gone. There was no note, no nothing and she passed it off as a one night stand and moved on.

So she got on with her life and found herself a job with a steady income at one of the bars that the local Kiss ran and after a few months made it to bar manager. Bought her apartment with the money too, and was happy for all of five minutes that she didn’t have to pay rent anymore. She was perhaps a little blind to the danger that was around her though, one of the local Master Vampires and her boss, Jacob, had taken a twisted shine to her. When she was working, he would come and threaten people that smiled at her away or give her an extra tip if she was working the bar. Of course she’d huff and puff, protest that he didn’t need to do things like that and all the while stare at his shoulder even though he swore blind that he would never roll her mind without her permission. After a few months of him spinning the same line, Zandria started to believe him. She shouldn’t have done. One evening when the club was particular busy, all hands on deck, Zandria had to get Jacob to sign for an overdue order. With the paperwork in hand, she went to find him, but when she didn’t get an answer after knocking on his office door for a good ten minutes, she brazenly walked in. To find the local fox queen bleeding to death on the couch, Jacob crouched over her in a daze, his face a bloody mask. It was only when Zandria screamed that Jacob turned on her, barrelling into her like a freight train. The next thing she knew she was sinking into what seemed like a sea of blue fire.

The next three weeks is a total blank in her mind and it’s probably just as well. Once she’d been rolled and already bitten, Jacob was content to mark her more and possibly even make her his full fledged human servant instead of a Renfield like he’d originally planned.  What Jacob didn’t foresee, was that the maverick vampire hunter that he had in his lair was connected to Zandria. Ollie had poured his all into trying to snap her out of it while he’d been laid up bleeding and bound down in some kind of underground family crypt. Eventually though, she did come back to herself and the first thing out of her mouth was a colourful curse about dresses of all things. She may not have been in her right might when she’d been wearing it, but Jacob had dressed her up as a slutty bitch with her boobs almost hanging out of the neckline. Oliver promised to kill Jacob, seemed almost as disgusted with the dress like she was, and with that they had a plan.

Of course, they had to bide their time, she was told as he explained that most of the Master vampires had thrown their lot in with Jacob when he’d taken over the city and the ones that hadn’t were either dead or waiting to die locked away in crossed wrapped coffins. They waited three nights, and she’d play her role as Little Miss Renfield and gather the things that Ollie had asked for out of the manor while Jacob would have his fun with him before moving onto someone or something a little less breakable. Somewhere along the line, Ollie had grabbed the key for his cuffs and she’d gotten him exactly what he wanted. A replacement DIY flame thrower and an order to get the hell out of there with anyone out of the coffin room that wanted to live.

That night the manor burnt down and there were four surviving Kiss members that had escaped their coffin, along with herself and Oliver to see the end of it all. The vamps went their way, and she went off with Oliver even though he warned her of what could happen. She’s been travelling with him ever since then and even came with him to the United Kingdom to check out things on this side of the pond. And that’s the story of how the mafia brat fell love with a hunter. Isn’t it sweet? [/LIST]

[sweet--prince]

Sweet--prince

Hey friends and followers, it has been quite some time since I have been active online (exception being private family accounts) and though I don't necessarily owe an explanation, I feel that writing somewhere may help me heal as well as provide an apology to those of you that I may have ghosted circa 2016 when I left social media. 

this is the first time i have written about this

Before I write more, I will list a few TWs and also put the rest under a break.

TW: abuse, emotional/physical, gender, sexual assault, eating disorder, manipulation, suicide attempt, animal abuse, r*pe

I was in a relationship beginning summer of 2016. I met him through mutual friends. I will call him Tyler. Tyler and I started seeing each other directly before my 17th birthday, he was 20. After about two months, things started to go downhill. I developed an eating disorder after being told I needed to look a certain way for him. All of my passwords to everything were shared. This blog was fought about many many times. I was not ‘allowed’ to have it. I was made to distance myself from my family and eventually my friends. Unfortunately, I have so many blackouts/repressed memories from around those months that I can’t describe anything more specifically. After a while came the emotional manipulation. I used constantly to make him feel more powerful, and if I ever tried to break away he would always beg and plead and threaten until he had me back. For my 18th birthday we planned for me to move into his apartment. I did, leaving my parents’ home for his one room apartment. My 18th birthday I drank until I could barely remember who was there, when my guests left he r*ped my unconscious body. The next few weeks started a decline that should have scared me into packing. He stole 2 grand from my accounts and used the money for his hobbies (animal hoarding and cars) leaving me with nothing. If I did not cook, or clean he would scream and threaten me until I was vulnerable enough to do everything he asked. He would have me stay in the bathroom if he wanted space. He brought a dog into the home that he would kick until I did what he said. He would throw objects at me. If I cried for any reason he would get so annoyed that he would put his face as close as he could to mine without touching and just scream. No words, just yelling into my face. Through all of this, I attempted suicide seven times. He would bring me to the hospital but then remove me when they suggested inpatient. The hospital eventually put me under an outpatient program. 

September 28th 2017, I tried to leave. He left a bruise on my arm after nearly breaking it trying to hold me in the bathroom. He threw my phone into the woods so I couldn't call for help. I had a friend already on the way. I found my phone and I tried to get in the car. He held me back, but the friend got out and got me into the car the next few hours consisted of him using his vehicle to try and chase us around the city. By the way, he has no license, no insurance and the car was not registered. I was brought back to my friends apartment while I tried to figure out how to get the dog and cats and other animals out of the situation they were in with him which i don't want to get into right now. He came to their apartment and demanded I go outside and he just wanted to talk. It was an apartment complex with buzzers on the glass doors,so I was told to buzz in if i needed to come back inside and my friend’s boyfriend was waiting on the inside. The second i got to tyler's car I felt uneasy and ran to the door, he got out of his car and ran after me. I got inside and the boyfriend closed the door behind me. Tyler used his boot to break the glass door and we called 911 from inside. Sparing police report details, tyler led a 6 car police chase back to his apartment where he was arrested on several domestic abuse charges as well as motor vehicle charges. I was immediatl;y put on a court-ordered protective order. I moved back to my parents and found homes for the animals that he left behind. He was released from custody about a week later on bail. He then made contact and was arrested. This happened twice. I relapsed into the situation about a month later and met him to exchange clothes I had of his. He came to my parents house and r*ped me, inseminated me and left. He was arrested again a week later after he texted me demanding to know if I was pregnant with his child. I was not. He went to prison. He was released on probation after that and made multiple accounts to try and contact me again, every time I reported it to authorities. He has been in and out of jail and prison since. He has hurt at least one other person in the way that he hurt me. 

I am okay now, I am free to express my gender and sexuality without fearing someone's actions against me. I have been through therapy for the last two years. I have severe PTSD and worsened anxiety but I am constantly improving. I am sorry that I disappeared from all of you. But I love each and every one of you still. Sorry for the novel. Feel free to send me messages or asks, I am able to talk about this to a degree and will tell you if I feel as though I can't. Blaise.

[a-man-for-hire-and-his-archives]

Ready for lift-off

Espionage thriller Summer of Rockets is the first screen work from acclaimed writer/director Stephen Poliakoff to draw on his own life, set in 1958 at the height of the Cold War. He and executive producer Helen Flint talk to DQ about merging fact and fiction.

As a writer and director for the screen over the past four decades, Stephen Poliakoff has been behind work that has amassed numerous Bafta, Emmy, Golden Globe and Peabody awards. The playwright, who learned his craft in the theatre, counts series and films such as Perfect Strangers, The Lost Prince, Friends & Crocodiles, Gideon’s Daughter, Joe’s Palace and Capturing Mary, as well as recent dramas Dancing on the Edge and Close to the Enemy, among his extensive credits.

Yet for all his fascination with the past – among many examples, Dancing on the Edge trails a black jazz group in 1930s London and Close to the Enemy is set in the aftermath of the Second World War – his latest series is the first to draw on his own family and life experiences.

Written and directed by Poliakoff, Summer of Rockets is a semi-autobiographical drama set during 1958, a year that marked the height of the Cold War as fear and suspicion clashed with the start of the mobile revolution and the Space Race. It was also the last time debutants were presented to the Queen at Buckingham Palace and the year of the Notting Hill riots in West London.

Stephen Poliakoff, writer and director of Summer of Rockets, pictured during filming

Poliakoff says the fact it is partly based on his own life marks Summer of Rockets out as “significantly different” from anything he’s done for the screen before.

“My first real memories are from this time – I was five in 1958 – so I could feel, even as a small child, the apprehension in the air, the feel of nuclear war,” he says. “The Russians were the enemy and yet I was half-Russian, so that made me feel an extraordinary sense isolation as a child. I was also sent to boarding school, as we see in the story, and was the only Jewish boy there. That was why I was drawn to this time.

“There’s a lot of resonance for us now, as Russia again seems to be our enemy and there is also unfortunately, tragically, anti-Semitism in Europe and it’s coming back to the UK. Well, it never goes away. But above all, it was a sense of the absolute epicentre of the Cold War; the fact nobody could be trusted, especially if they were foreigners.”

Another parallel between that period and today, he notes, is the “humiliation” of the Suez Crisis in 1958, which left Britain “a laughing stock” on the world stage. “Things have happened since I’ve written the piece and we’ve become a laughing stock for very different reasons, with people harking back to a sense of our past glories, which also plays a part in the story,” Poliakoff says. “This is not a story about Brexit or a metaphor for it, but nevertheless there are resonances in the piece.”

Toby Stephens (Black Sails) stars as Samuel Petrukhin, a Russian Jewish émigré modelled on Poliakoff’s father Alexander, an inventor and designer of hearing aids, whose clients include former UK prime minister Winston Churchill. The series also focuses on Samuel’s wife, Miriam (Lucy Cohu), and their children, Hannah (Lily Sacofsky) and Sasha (Toby Woolf). In the show, having developed a new paging system for hospitals, Samuel is is approached by the UK’s domestic intelligence agency MI5 to demonstrate his work.

Set in 1958, the series stars Toby Stephens as Samuel, who is based on Poliakoff’s father

However, it’s not his inventions the agency (led by Mark Bonnar’s mysterious Field) is interested in but his fledging friendship with MP Richard Shaw (Linus Roache) and his wife Kathleen (Keeley Hawes), who also introduce him to Lord Arthur Wellington (Timothy Spall). As Samuel’s life becomes intertwined with his mission, he is left to question how far he is willing to let things unravel for his cause and who he can trust.

It was Poliakoff’s discovery that his father had been suspected of bugging Churchill’s hearing aid, a revelation he first heard when a journalist contacted him about newly released government papers in 2007, that sparked the story behind Summer of Rockets,

“It took me a long time to think about writing it because it meant revisiting my youth and a very traumatic time at boarding school,” he says. “I also tend to write slightly away from my immediate family experience because I find it easier to invent like that. But, after quite a considerable while, because the story kept haunting me, I broached it to the BBC.”

His father’s work, he explains, is truthfully reflected in the story by his hearing aids business, the deaf workers he employs in the factory and his invention of the paging system, which he created for St Thomas’ Hospital in London.

“But I always saw that as a jumping-off point for Keeley’s side of the story,” Poliakoff continues. “My father was besotted with everything English; he was a real anglophile. He was a Russian Jew but he wanted to be an English gentleman, so there’s the story of him being involved in this English upper-class family who have their own darkness and trauma hidden away in a magnificent house. They have charm and grace, they entertain people, but this covers a deep unhappiness.

“My father would have loved to have been entertained in such a house, so that was what led me from that jumping-off point for the fictitious side of the story, but it’s based on the sort of things my father loved and was attracted to by English life and aspired to. The story curve shows Samuel learning that he doesn’t want to be the perfect English gentleman.”

Bodyguard and The Durrells star Keeley Hawes plays Samuel’s wife,  Miriam Richard’s wife, Kathleen

Through the first episode, the story is laid bare against the backdrop of rockets being launched and rising anxiety over what might lie ahead, coupled with the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder that stem from the still-raw fallout of the Second World War. Samuel’s technological achievements also shine a light on how industry was set to move forward rapidly over the next decade.

“When you have six hours of television drama, it’s a big canvas. The joy of longform is that you can build a complex world and you can delve deeper into character than you can in a two-hour movie,” Poliakoff says. “It’s great to try to be ambitious when you’re given that length of screen time.”

Helen Flint, MD of Little Island Productions and Poliakoff’s long-time producing partner, admits the writer’s outlines need very little development as they are often fully formed, “very detailed and very ambitious” by the time she becomes involved.

“The thing is to identify where and how you’re actually going to make it happen,” she says. “Both of us have been around far too long. Therefore, between us and the heads of department, we can work out how to put this on the screen, which is our craft.”

With all of Poliakoff’s work filmed on location, the first task on Summer of Rockets was to find the house belonging to Richard and Kathleen Shaw, which is a constant presence during all six episodes. They eventually settled on Benington Lordship, a grand setting close to Stevenage, 35 miles north of London, which is notable for the Norman keep adjoining the 17th century house and expansive gardens.

Catastrophe’s Mark Bonnar plays the head of MI5

“The other important thing was when to film it, because getting lucky with sunshine in this country is not a given – so the schedule is everything,” Flint says.

Finding London streets that could double for the time period also proved problematic, with the slums of Notting Hill in 1958 far removed from the affluent neighbourhood it is today. Another set piece saw a queue of 1950s cars lined up along The Mall, leading to Buckingham Palace, which was filmed early in the morning to avoid the crowds of tourists usually occupying the area.

“It takes a huge amount of work, more work than anybody would imagine, weeks and weeks, and then huge amounts in post-production just to paint out silly lines and stuff like that,” Flint says of filming in London. “After that, it’s all of the countryside, the driving [scenes] and the minutiae. But because we’ve got a cast that is working all the time, we have to try to jigsaw them all in, which is very complicated at certain points. Once you have those actors, the schedule is dictated by that. Then other problems come to the fore because if they’re not available, you can’t do the locations. London exteriors are the hardest, and then piecing it together is a massive jigsaw.”

In some cases, however, the reality on which some of the series is based was too extreme to be dramatised. Poliakoff decided to tone down scenes where Sasha is at boarding school, as his own experiences at school were too “draconian” to be depicted exactly as he remembered.

Summer of Rockets debuts on BBC2 tomorrow

“When I started writing it, I realised it had to be more interesting and more inventive than the actual thing I experienced, which in reality was relentlessly grim,” he says. “A little bit of that was fine, but I didn’t think an audience would stand for that being repeated in each scene. So, oddly enough, the bit that was closest to reality was the most difficult to write.”

The series sees Poliakoff reunited with Stephens, who starred in his 2001 family reunion drama Perfect Strangers, while this was his first time working with Hawes despite having known her since she was just 19. “She starred in my wife Sandy Welch’s adaptation of Our Mutual Friend 20 years ago,” he recalls of the actor, who has recently starred in Line of Duty, The Durrells and Bodyguard. “I’ve known her for some time and we’ve always wanted to work together. She’s phenomenal in her role, which is a really very juicy role, so I’m thrilled. I think she gives one of her greatest performances.”

Following Summer of Rockets’ launch on UK pubcaster BBC2 tomorrow, all six episodes will be made available on the pubcaster’s VoD platform iPlayer. The drama is distributed internationally by BBC Studios. “‘Bingeable’ is not the prettiest word but, actually, I think my work was born to be binged,” Poliakoff notes. “People over the years have always told me they’ve sat down to watch something like Perfect Strangers, which is only four hours long. They tend to watch the first part and then they’re there four hours later.

“So I very much hope the story has that effect. It does have quite a powerful story that gathers and evolves and changes. It’s great for people to watch it in a linear way or in an immersive way. Either way, I hope people will really get into it.” - Michael Pickard (Drama Quarterly)

[thenorthernraven]

Book Review #1: Holding Up The Universe by Jennifer Niven

Heads Up: Contains a few spoilers!

Have you ever felt like an outcast? hated? different? Have you ever experienced walking on what seems like an endless hallway where every one looked at you with judging eyes while whispering hateful things to each other? Libby Strout has. In fact, that’s what her everyday in junior year was like. A series of bullying, being made fun of, receiving notes with words like “whore”, “fat-ass”, and “you are not wanted” written all over them, being called “Flabby Stout” and every possible disgusting name she does not deserve to be called. School life for Libby was nothing but an impetus for a panic attack, that is, before she met Jack Masselin. The swaggy boy everyone liked, cool and collected, the boy who’s got everything -- including a neurological disorder called prosopagnosia which inhibits him from recognizing faces, even of those he loves. To make matters worse for Jack, no one knows about this flaw of his, making him pretty perfect from the surface. Libby Strout and Jack Masselin’s worlds collided through an unfortunate event, and at first, everything seemed to get worse until it reached a certain point, upon which it turned out better and better for the both of them. It’s a story about two people who are just trying to get through high school, but inevitably bumped into each other and realized they found the very piece of their lives they never knew they needed. 

One of the things I really admired about Jennifer Niven’s Holding Up The Universe was the fact that the characters felt extremely real. Libby and Jack both struggled with things that real people do, not only weight and panic attacks for Libby, and prosopagnosia for Jack, but also bullying, peer pressure, and family problems to mention a few. Other characters also seemed as real as Libby and Jack, like Caroline Lushamp, the popular, pretty girl who was once a geeky nerd, or Iris Engelbrecht, another teen who gets bullied for her weight but is too afraid to speak up. The book was able to provide its readers with a very accurate picture of life in high school, as in all the drama, crazy parties, cafeteria fights, and of course, the bullying; which I think would really allow readers to feel and relate to the characters and their stories. Another thing that I appreciated was how true and complex these characters were, from their physical appearances to their thoughts, and how surprising their actions can be. Libby and Jack always had me guessing their next moves! Lastly, I’m also very delighted to the fact that, even from the first few pages of the book, it was able to make me really laugh out loud at the hilarious lines these characters mutter. I liked the book enough that I finished it in less than 24 hours. 

However, there are also a few things I quite personally disliked about the book. One was the fact that, during the first quarter of the book, it was really slow-paced and relaxed, as if it was taking its time making the perfect picture of high school (which, as I’ve mentioned, it was able to do), until Libby and Jack met, upon which the story suddenly became fast-paced which really allowed little detail as to how deep the character’s relationships became. I hoped for a few more points, for example conversations, between Jack and Libby that could give me a lead as to how much they knew or liked each other before anything else happened. In addition to this, I also disliked how the story ended on a cliff-hanger which, again, resulted to giving me little detail as to the fate of, not only Libby and Jack, but also of the other characters. Up until this point I’m wondering whether or not Jack’s parents ever resolved their conflict, or was the divorce final? Did Caroline Lushamp ever change back to her geeky self? Did the bullies end their bullying days and did the bullied get justice? I’m even wondering what the heck happened to Mick from Copenhagen! These cliff-hangers could be fun, for it allows us to make hypothetical futures for these characters, but then again, I personally would have liked a few more detail. 

Overall, I think Holding Up The Universe by Jennifer Niven is an inspiring book designed to help people, especially teens, with all of the struggles and challenges that come with their age. It’s an eye-opener, for readers to be able to see both sides of the story and to make them realize the essence of understanding before giving judgement; and a reminder for everyone to always be nice, for each person is struggling with something we know nothing about. 

I’ve read this book twice already, and would not hesitate to read it a few more times in the future! I’ve also read “All the Bright Places” by the same author and I thought it was just brilliant! Reminder: all of the things I wrote here are my own personal thoughts about the book.  

 3 out of 5 stars.

[thetypedwriter]

Emergency Contact Book Review

Emergency Contact Book Review By Mary H.K. Choi

         Writing the book review for Emergency Contact by H.K. Choi three months post-read is not the most efficient way to detail the aforementioned book’s plot and characterization but what’s done is done and here we are. Three months later. Whoops. My deepest apologies everyone.

           Anyway, Emergency CONTACT not CONTRACT as I keep wanting to say, is about a Korean-American girl named Penny who is moving a measly forty-five minutes away from home to start the beginnings of her long-awaited college career and begin her desperate aspiration of becoming the next J.K. Rowling. You have the pretty cliché trope of Penny hating her mother for being gorgeous and overly involved in her life and an exaggeratedly-over-the-top flirt with everyone’s dad but not much other reasoning is given.

           Problem #1: Penny kind of sucks. Don’t get me wrong. I love that Penny is a diverse representation of a demographic of people that aren’t habitually seen in YA novels by being Korean-American. I also love that Penny obviously struggles with anxiety and other mental health issues like possible OCD not because those are things are desired to have and revere, but because many people struggle with mental health disorders like anxiety and severe OCD and seeing them represented in fiction is always highly welcomed and explored.

          However, these traits also present several problems.

         Problem #2: I understand that this is a fictional novel and that authors can write about characters that are different from them culturally, ethnically, and a multitude of other traits but I found it intriguing that Mary H.K. Choi is a Chinese-American author writing about the experience of a Korean-American teenager. Not that Choi is not allowed to do this or shouldn’t do this, but I did wonder considering her background as a Chinese-American author why she didn’t draw from her own experiences and background.

           Problem #3: In addition, Penny’s mental health issues are never really addressed. Not really. Her roommate goes to therapy “just for fun” but Penny, who could probably benefit from therapy, doesn’t ever seem to get help for it other than becoming addicted to chatting with someone she doesn’t really know via text messaging.  

           Which brings me to our other main character: Sam. I really wanted to like Sam. I really, really did. I definitely admit to having a type for “bad” boys who seem dark and emo but then end up being soft and squishy human beings that enjoy working at bakeries and cry over their old girlfriends. However, unfortunately, I found Sam to be more annoying than anything.

           Homeboy cannot get his life together.

           I understand that Sam comes from poverty and that his mother should be reported for negligence and verbal abuse, but Sam concedes to his situation, lives in the upstairs room of a bakery where he most likely makes minimum wage, sleeps on a bare mattress on the floor, pines after a girl that definitely manipulated him physically and emotionally, and cannot seem to end the vicious cycle of his days.

           This may seem a bit harsh, but I definitely feel like Emergency Contact is a story about two people who need help in many different areas of their life and becoming obsessed with DM’ing an anonymous stranger through on app should not be the end all be all solution to their larger than life issues.

           Despite everything I said, the book was not bad. It wasn’t amazing, but it wasn’t bad. I found Penny’s roommate annoying (and roommate’s supposed bitchy best friend), how Penny handles her mother to be catastrophic, the “twist” at the end where Jude finds out that Uncle Sam was Penny’s secret crush all along was so convenient that I had anticipated it from chapter three.

           But I digress; I was supposed to speak about the positives. I definitely really enjoy slice of life dramas. This is no different with books. I love a good epic fantasy like everyone else but occasionally reading a book about an ordinary girl going through her first year of college is so relatable and real that is strikes something within me that fantasy sometimes doesn’t.

           So I enjoyed the realistic aspect of this book and the portrayals of families, shitty dormitories, and the awe of new college classes and amazing professors. I did like the progression of Sam and Penny’s digital to real-life relationship and the inclusion of some very real issues like poverty, immigration, mental health, and the digital age culture. Also, as a bonus, some of Penny and Sam’s texts to each other were pretty hilarious.

           Overall, not a bad read. It’s nothing fantastic, three months later and I could barely remember what happened outside a select few events (which never bodes well for a book’s longevity or significance) but I enjoyed the grit and diversity of it and I look forward to better written YA novels in the future with the same care and cultivation of multi-ethnic and complex characters that Mary Choi crafted here.

 Recommendation: If you enjoy texting in your real life and your digital one or love Korean dramas and heavily desire an American fictional adaptation of one this might be your gold mine. Otherwise, leave the texting for the times you aren’t leafing through a page and want something a little more removed than an accidental Tinder chat session turned true love.

Score: 6/10

[creideamhgradochas]

Thanks to the lovely @writingruna for taking the time to answer these! Get to know more about lovely Lizzie, go give her a follow and then show her some love!

These questions are from this list. You should check it out, there’s 50 questions all together and they’d be great to ask your favorite fic writer!

1) How old were you when you first starting writing fan-fiction?

I was nineteen when I first started writing fanfiction, but I’ve been writing my whole life. My parents have stories I ordered them to write down from when I was two or three.

2) Do you prefer writing OC’s or reader inserts? Explain your answer.

In fanfiction, I like writing reader insert more than OC’s. I started writing fanfiction – and have continued – to practice writing without having to world-build. It gives me an opportunity to grow as a writer without worrying about accidental plot holes, which I have written plenty of.

3) What is your favorite genre to write for?

When writing fanfiction, I like to toe the line between canon and AU. I always try to keep my characters in character, but I don’t mind putting them in situations that don’t exist canonically or ignoring deaths that occurred canonically. Actually, I pretty actively ignore canon deaths.

Working on original works, my favorite genre is young adult fiction with a focus in mystery and spy craft. I read a lot of Sherlock Holmes as a child.

4) If you had to delete one of your stories and never speak of it again, which would it be and why?

I actually started as a Supernatural writer, and I have deleted a few of those stories and will never speak of them again – specifically a horribly written story centered on the game 2048 that a friend asked me to write.

5) When is your preferred time to write?

Unfortunately, in the middle of the night. It is horrible for my real life, but it’s quiet and peaceful and I find it easiest to focus.

6) Where do you take your inspiration from?

Underneath the bitter cynicism of being a college aged millennial in a dreary economy, I am very much a Romantic Era writer. I am all about finding beauty where there really isn’t any and emphasizing. I find most of my inspiration in dark moments that can bring good. I am well aware the world isn’t always beautiful, but I like to choose to see the beauty wherever I can.

7) In your Where Do the Flowers Go Series, what’s your favorite scene that you wrote?

My favorite scene in Where Do the Flowers Go actually hasn’t been posted yet. There are ten more chapters in the series, and there is a scene between Bucky and the reader that I not only loved writing, but that I love in terms of character growth. It’s a turning point in the series, and a turning point in who the reader is viewed to be.

8) Have you ever amended a story due to criticisms you’ve received after posting it?

I haven’t, but I think I should have. Although it’s not something I talk about openly on Tumblr – mostly because I’m not asked – I have a pretty severe anxiety disorder and some brain damage from a concussion in high school and I stutter when I get anxious. It’s something I didn’t realize wasn’t “typical”. In my story Babadook, the reader stutters when she gets scared. Now that I know it isn’t the way everyone reacts, I worry I might have offended some.

9) Who is your favorite character to write for? Why?

Wanda. I absolutely adore writing characters who speak English as a second language because their dialogue is challenging. Also, I have a huge crush on Elizabeth Olsen and my little bi heart needs me female x female loving in the fanfiction world. I enjoy writing Illya from Man from U.N.C.L.E. for mostly the same reasons.

10) Who is your least favorite character to write for? Why?

Probably Frank Castle? I was asked to write a few Frank drabble during one of those three-day writing games I run when I get stuck and I have actually never seen Daredevil or The Punisher or any of it. Thanks to an amazing friend, I managed to pull it off, but I felt sort of guilty for accidentally writing a character I didn’t know well.

11) How did you come up with the title for the Where Do the Flowers Go Series?

Where Do the Flowers Go is based on an original story I wrote which is loosely based on the myth of Hades and Persephone. The idea is meant to reference the loss of flowers when Persephone descends into the underworld and references a specific chapter in the series itself, although it has not yet been posted. I would love to answer this question in more detail once I have posted the remainder of the story.

12) How did you come up with the idea for the Where Do the Flowers Go Series?

Where Do the Flowers Go is actually based on an original story I wrote which is itself based on the myth of Hades and Persephone. Since I haven’t posted the final ten chapters, I don’t want to give away too much, but there is a specific aspect of the myth that always fascinated me which I incorporated it into an original work about the KGB and a Chicago socialite. I would love to answer this question in more detail once I have posted the remainder of the story.

13) Do you have any abandoned WIP’s? What made you abandon them?

I have a few much older stories that I started when I was fifteen and sixteen that I have since decided not to write. In most cases, it’s because I had a good idea for a short story and tried to stretch it novel length and it just got really bad really fast, but in a few cases I just no longer felt invested in the story I had started.

14) Are there any stories that you’ve written that you’d really love to do a sequel to?

Definitely! I would love to turn Fell for You into a mini-series. I originally wrote it because I had fallen down the stairs at work and really bruised myself up. I am clumsy to the point that it’s not a “quirk”, it’s something people worry about. It could be fun to recount a few more of my more disastrous moments.

15) Are there any stories that you wished you’d ended differently?

Yes and no. I don’t regret any of my endings, but I think the ending of Change of Plans was a little unrealistic. I created a plot hole and actively didn’t fill it because I liked the ending anyway.

16) Tell me about another writer(s) who you admire? What is it about them that you admire?

This question is the hardest to answer because there are so many and I am so aware that I am going to forget some and end up feeling guilty. However, the three I am closest to both on and off tumblr are @buckyywiththegoodhair, @captainpunk, and @bucky-plums-barnes. These three women will listen to me rant for hours about fanfictions and original works, they’ve always been willing to read anything and everything I write, and they are constant cheerleaders both in writing and in life. I would not be where I am and trying to finish my novel without these women. On top of it, all three are amazing writers. Nicky creates such stunning imagery that her stories just swallow you whole. Talya has heart wrenching emotion in her stories that is so hard to capture. Genny has this ability to interact with everyone in every story she writes and make it feel completely personalized.

17) Do you have a story that you look back on and cringe when you reread it?

Just Say It. I had a story in my head that I wanted to tell and I – inexplicably – tied to Not Really Anyway and it just couldn’t measure up. Not Really Anyway is a fic I am amazingly proud of and should have stood alone.

18) Do you prefer listening to music when you’re writing or do you need silence?

Neither, actually. I usually have Netflix on. I’ll play a show that I have seen before and don’t need to pay attention to, but that can provide background noise. I get unease in complete silence and I also don’t want my other people to overhear me talking to myself when I try and work through dialogue.

19) Have you ever cried whilst writing a story?

Stole the Show. I still cry when I read it. I don’t write angst very often, but it’s not because I am not good at it.

20) Which part of your Where Do the Flowers Go Series was the hardest to write?

I removed the part of the series that was hardest for me to write. At the end of the undercover operation, I originally wrote an arrest scene and then I couldn’t post it. Although I knew Zadie was doing terrible things, she was doing it because she truly thought it was right and, deep down, she was a good person. I cared about her as much as the reader did and I couldn’t bear to put anyone through watching her arrested.

21) Do you make a general outline for your stories or do you just go with the flow?

Both. Depending on the complexity of the storyline, and the inspiration. Since my concussion, I have begun to lean more heavily on general outlines, but I do not always use them.

22) What is something you wished you’d known before you started posting fan-fiction?

That I would find such a community of friends and other writers – and that other people would enjoy my writing. I never imagined I would make such close friends and find so many people who admired what I did.

23) Do you have a story that you feel doesn’t get as much love as you’d like?

Stole the Show. It is the only angst story I have ever published and it was painful to write, but I have never been more proud of a story that I was of Stole the Show. I know that female x female fics have a smaller audience and so I didn’t expect it to get a lot of attention, but I experimented with the style and wish it had more of a chance.

24) In contrast to 23 is there a story which gets lots of love which you kinda eye roll at?

Naked Confessions! It was the second Pietro story I wrote and it was one of those stories that you write in two hours in the middle of the day because the idea just hits. I did a single edit and posted it thinking it might get a few notes and it is by far my most popular story.

25) Are any of your characters based on real people?

Yes, although actively and with permission. The readers in Clair de Lune and My Queen were both actively written to resemble the friends I wrote them for. Additionally, a lot of background characters in stories are modeled after other writers on tumblr. I would ask favorite colors or middle names and incorporated details into the stories as “shout outs”.

26) What’s the biggest compliment you’ve gotten?

I have a had a few followers create fan art of Where Do the Flowers Go and I straight up cried when I saw it. As a writer, all you want to do is touch your readers and make them feel something and it was such an honor and inspiration to have this actual proof that I had done so.

In that same strain, it’s always a compliment when other writers come to me for advice or want me to beta for them. I’ve been writing for more than twenty years and I am proud of what I can do, but it’s such an honor when someone else wants me to teach them what I’ve learned.

27) What’s the harshest criticism you’ve gotten?

I’ve actually been really lucky on tumblr so far, and I have yet to get anon hate. I think I once had a follower ask me why I was taking so long to post, but it was more from a place of concern that something was wrong in my life than anything else.

28) Do you share your story ideas with anyone else or do you keep them close to your chest?

There a few close friends that I share most of my ideas with. Specifically, @captainpunk puts up with so much more than anyone else from me when it comes to ideas. I have texted her at two in the morning with random thoughts and she always betas everything I write. She’s even been there to help me plan a lot of my original works as well. She has been my biggest supporter and my biggest cheerleader from the first day we met.

29) Do people know you write fan-fiction?

A few close friends, and of course the friends I’ve met on tumblr. Strangely enough, my parents know, although I have actively never let them read any of it.

30) What’s your favorite minor character you’ve written?

Zadie from Where Do the Flowers Go. She’s the minor character I spent the most time with and I ended up just absolutely loving her – despite what she does. In creating her, I realized she would only do what she had done if she truly thought it was the best thing to do and she just became this very genuine, very loving character that I hadn’t expected her to be.

31) What spurs you on during the writing process?

Again, it’s @captainpunk most of the time. I go time blind when I write and when everything falls into place, I can write for seven or eight hours without stopping, but most of the time I struggled to get through more than two or three paragraphs at a time and Talya on the sidelines sometimes cheering and sometimes yelling can always get me to focus.

32) What’s your favorite trope to write?

Relationships – whether romantic or platonic – between very hard and very soft characters with bonus points if the only reason the soft character is soft is because the hard character is hard and when the hard character disappears the soft character turns out to harder than the hard character. I really hope that makes sense.

33) Can you remember the first fic you read? What was it about?

I don’t remember what it was called, but it was about Dean Winchester and @tralfamadoreian5 made me read it.

34) If you could write only angst, fluff or smut for the rest of your writing life, which would it be and why?

Fluff. Life is hard and unfair and scary enough without stories about life is hard and unfair and scary. The world needs more happy endings.

[aleatoryalarmalligator]

Life Story Part 99

Unfortunately for me, on my first day of work, I was invited to see Okkervil River play down in Boise with Josh, Melissa and Whitney. I couldn't skip my first day of work however unlucky it was that it fell on the same day. So Allison ended up going instead. I ended up really liking Okkervil River later on when I was given more exposure to them and have always been sorry I didn't get to see the show. Allison got to meet Will Sheff the lead singer. She also got to know Whitney and Josh and Melissa better. Their connection to Zack ultimately was very limited. Whitney was his sister, but nobody was really involved with Zack since he had gotten into harder and harder drugs, and for the most part Josh, Whitney and Melissa  had chosen to cut down. They all seemed to love Allison too, admiring the fact that she played music and wrote her own songs, was cheery and enjoyable overall. Allison felt idolized by people, potential friends who were older than her, who made her feel mature. This really became a huge deal for her. She felt she had found her new family I think. Whitney and Josh became somewhat of an obsession for her in particular. When she got back she could talk about little else but them. She now had friends, and it meant more to her than anything in her young life. It meant she was differentiated from me, and could get away from whatever she found awful about me. It meant that she had finally found acceptance after pining for friendship for so long.

Alex, Sarah's ex, finally moved to Georgia. He had stayed for the last few months to say goodbye to some of his work friends at Shopko. Sarah and I drove up to her family's ranch to say goodbye to him for the last time before he went on his way. I guess despite the mess of him and Sarah's relationship, they had spent six years with one another. It was an awful long time, and they still had a strange history with one another and connection that couldn't be erased. They didn't want to leave with mutual dislike for one another. It was weird because just as I had begun to make friend with Alex, him and Sarah had broken up and he was moving. In fact, Alex had reached out to me to see if I was okay after he found out about Sarah's decision to be with Zack. He knew Sarah and my friendship enough to know that I was probably mentally destroyed by the whole ordeal. I sent him a message telling him I gave them my blessing. It was weird as I the smoke from that spring cleared just a bit, that my attitude about Sarah and Zack had done a one-eighty. I no longer was all that supportive or sympathetic. I was still hurt, but the hurt was becoming something else. I was growing to accept certain parts of what happened, and no longer seeing every detail of what came next as being significant or having anything to do with me really. I had my own life to live. But back when Alex had asked me if I was okay on facebook, I hadn't been able to articulate that.

I remember we hung around in the hammocks and Sarah and Alex reminisced about the fun times they had had early on in their relationship, and how they had grown to bigger and better things. They avoided the topic of Zack. Alex might have said something about Zack being a drug addict, which made Sarah uncomfortable and change the conversation. For some of it, I went on my own and picked flowers. It was a pleasant and somewhat reserved goodbye. We all hugged one another and Alex left. He would be going to Georgia. Sarah gave him her truck that she had gotten from her mother, and he took their cat Gooboo with him and off he went to start his new life elsewhere.

I still having a terrible time, but the terrible time was changing into something euphoric. I could never manage to fully explain it to anyone. I felt like I was being driven and change into something that felt a little bit like hysteria. Reality was not grounded, but in a new way then the ungrounded reality of winter. In a way, this lack of clarity was more wild and vivid and involved action and feelings that needed to be expressed. I didn't feel the movements happening around me. I was the movements. I was the universe. I was connected to the vibrations of everything, and I became whatever I felt which could be anything at any given time. I felt invincible for weeks straight, and at random intervals I felt like death and I would cry. I couldn't show it much of the time at my new job – but I found ways to channel that energy when I worked, I couldn't act the crazy that I felt inside mostly, but I would go home some nights and I would still sob uncontrollably, or laugh uncontrollably. And internally, I began to wonder if there was something chemically off balance about me. I remembered getting diagnosed with chemical imbalance when I was in fifth grade. I remembered all the reactions I had had in my youth, all the strong ups and downs. I remember in the alternative school, Jenni telling me that Mike thought there was something psychologically off about me. It was hard to tell where circumstances made my behavior normal, and which parts of it were all me. Because life had been wildly unfair to me. I say this without self pity. I wasn't dealt the worst cards, but they were pretty shabby just the same. And no matter how crazy I was, had there ever been someone in my life who wasn't crazier than me? How could I gauge if I was well or not.

Looking at the diagnoses for bipolar disorder, I began identifying with a lot of it. I felt malleable and crazy and ready to take all manner of risks. I had started feeling anxious and euphoric at times when I was a teenager. And I had found ways to deaden this side to myself, but now there was no filter for those feelings. I felt euphoric and powerful, and fell into these dark irritable moods. I rarely took things out on people, but I had recently confused Allison by demanding that she start playing Ziggy Stardust the next time I started to cry, and when she did so I chastised her and told her she was being insensitive, and got in her face about it. Which was wrong on my part and I felt like an ass as I did it, but it annoyed me so much the idea that she could remedy my misery automatically. I had told her she could of course, but now I was finding myself insulted by her following the orders that I had put out. Of course I had no means of taking risks, at least not many – but if I had money I would have gambled. If there was some viable options for relationships of any kind, I could have found myself throwing myself out sexually as a means of self destruction. Fortunately, there were never many outlets for me to pour myself into.

Of course, I never got a real diagnosis for bipolar disorder, and my cycles didn't/don't always align with the cycles that are put forth by the psychiatric community. Over the years, I have monitored myself and I think what it comes down to is this. I probably have what some people consider, type 3 bipolar, Cyclothymia. My moods go up and down like bipolar, but the depression is generally not as low as it goes, and my ups aren't so destabilizing that I entirely lose it, but I still am on a very rocky boat, and my perception changes on me drastically. It's difficult to diagnose, and it's questionable if medication would be worth it in my particular situation because I have found ways to manage it almost – so long as everything is going somewhat smoothly in my life (no break-ups or deaths). However, if I am going through very troubling life circumstances, my symptoms start to look like type 2, and in these situations I really can fall. I begin to become delusional. Which is why I require a lot of self monitoring – more self monitoring than people probably recognize. It makes me seem self absorbed, but often times it's just there is a complex science to understanding myself and where I am at. It's hard because with a type 2 bipolar diagnosis, I would have something concrete to explain to myself and the world what it's like to be me, but since I don't generally and I feel mildly silly at times for self diagnosing (I fall as well in a low level autistic spectrum), I am hesitant to say anything about it to anyone. The summer of 2011, I could probably have used some therapy and medication. It would have done me a world of good I am sure. But of course, therapy and medication is for people who have insurance. Dishwashers generally don't get insurance.

Honestly too I guess, I am not always certain I really want to get rid of the ups and downs (mainly the ups). It's come to be a part of who I am – regardless of what I do or do not have. I worry mostly about the potential for spiraling out of control when stuff gets hard, and I have never really had any support with this aspect of my personality. I am completely on my own. I can never fully trust myself either – I have time periods when I need very little prompting to make terrible destructive decisions, and while I was doing it I didn't even know. I feel like I am addicted to life, and everything I do is intriguing and great, and then later on I have to deal with it. There is potential for disaster in me. I lack boundaries. Sarah has pointed out that I am very malleable. But I guess I could argue that if I am not to be trusted, then neither is anyone else. When you shift between perspectives often, you realize that people who flat line in one perspective sometimes lack the ability to realize that everything is perspective – and we are all doing the best we can from where we are at emotionally and psychologically.

One thing that is hard is that when your falling there is this unspeakable disappointment – like everything you believed in and are working on is a lie. I fill up with dread and shame and confusion. It feels like life is over. My whole body hurts and I lay in bed for days and just can't think. It lasts for about a month to six months straight, and everything I have to do like going to work is much harder and I feel ugly and ashamed and numb all the time. Writing helps me through because it reminds me that my thoughts are real and that I am a person of some kind. I have to take steps to get back on my feet – force myself to eat properly, do things for myself I don't want to do – shower, dress up, and when I finally do get on my feet I am fine for a few months, and then something sparks in my mind and I am ambitious and euphorically excited to be alive and everything gets crazy and magical again. This can be mild or really intense, depending on what's happening in my life, but the fall from grace is just horrible feeling. It comes on like when you know you are becoming nauseated due to the flu. You just have to brace yourself and accept that the gig of feeling really good is over for awhile.

I worry too that I will be seen as weak and this is ultimately the grand scheme of my personality. I feel defensive because otherwise, when I get comfortable in any given situation I know that my gauge and reaction to how I fit into the picture is skewed. Whether I am up or down, I don't have the kind of pragmatic middle ground that keeps me safe or levelheaded. I am not really exactly crazy in the sense that I am dangerous to other people directly, but there is a lack of level ground to go home to and if someone were to take me seriously I feel like I would burn them out pretty bad. I am to a degree, whatever state I happen to be in – and it causes me to seem chaotic, counterproductive, easily distracted and inconsistent so relying on me could potentially disappoint and confuse people who think they understood who I was before. I am always vulnerable at all times to whoever wants to take advantage of me for this reason as well. I am embarrassed and insecure when I am down, and when I am up I become easily flattered and obsessive and both manipulative and manipulated. I make decisions based on curiosity and don't think of the outcomes. I see myself as a chaotic and potentially damaging person who at times must be quarantined. So for this reason, I go between intense feelings of not trusting myself to be around others and not trusting other people to being around me, and then deeply wanting comfort and support and to be extremely intimate with other people and smothered – but then I resent that too because I want to feel independent and free, so there is no winning. I have to invent walls to make people not want to be around me, because I fear they will think I am crazy if they knew me. And what I need one day I do not need the next. I honestly feel guilty whenever I want to be closer to people.

The benefit is that I feel like I can reexperience childlike delight in living to some extent the way a lot of people around me cannot. I will always eventually be rewarded with a certain wave of euphoria and a heightened sense of being that always seems worth the sadness I previously experienced. I become very creative. I have a vision of what it is that I want and who I am. The fog clears. It's intense and real. I can take charge of things that were difficult before. It ends too soon, but in those times I feel very alive. I guess I wouldn't want to stabilize because this is the only way I know how to get things done. And in my middle points, I know what it feels like to be both up and down. With this perspective, I can grasp a lot of concepts. I can understand say, something entirely unrelated to myself, World War 1 for instance. I can look at it from multiple vantage points, and I can do so through the guise of knowing and seeing through the lenses and memories of my own angled vision. Which sounds really strange, but it has helped me write good papers so I think I am onto something.

Call it a mood disorder, or the change of the seasons, but I was beginning to emerge from the spell I was under, damaged permanently, but I walked out alive just the same. I had accepted that there was no going back to the old life. Whatever fate had dished out, it hadn't been what I had expected it to be. But through those difficult months (which I wasn't entirely over yet), I had found a sort of strength and knowledge of myself, and the longer I went on surviving, the more I came to trust my own instincts, to follow my intuition, and to be my own person. I didn't want to wait for things to happen to me. My entire life had been one long ugly wait for one thing and then the next. I wanted to make things happen for myself.

It was probably rather strange, likely influenced by The Dresden Dolls or Klaus Nomi, but I sometimes would go into the bathroom and paint my face up like a clown – not the typical clown one hires to do gimmicky stuff and laugh creepily at birthday parties, that isn't the type of clown I was. I was a perriot clown, something artistic and strangely pretty and ornamental and frightening. I felt internally like a shattered doll, something broken and upsetting and perfect in it's brokenness. Maybe to others I was just a minimum wage slave, maybe Sarah and Zack were too dull to fully recognize who I was internally in the ballroom theater of my inner life. And I was more than that. I could do whatever I wanted. I could be a painter, a musician, a performer, a writer. No doubt David thought of me as somehow a foul terrible person – and perhaps he had a point. Maybe I had just broken to the point where I didn't care anymore. In any case, I was happier and had more of a vision seeing myself through the lenses of my own imagination. I was more productive in how lived. I felt the preciousness of life in each breath I took. And really, I didn't perform most of the time or behave in any way that might seem as wild and as vivid as the self image I had of myself laid away in my mind, but it was there, and the outer world and my place in it was somewhat of a mask.

I let go of some assumed expectation, and instead I chose to be myself. Whatever was meant to be would be – my natural identity was my destiny and I was going to live so strongly as me that there could be no mistake or imperfection or forlorn sense of loss. I would attack my goals, not with a sense of duty, but with a passion for my visions and my feelings. I wasn't going to worry anymore about offending others. I think this was my way of breaking free from the identity that I had thought was me for so long, the corner I had been painted into socially by friends and family who either meant me well or didn't but had never fully understood me. I was becoming the girl my father had tried to terrorize me into hiding – and now she was coming out and taking power over the game. She was now me  - I didn't have to lock her up in a box anymore or check with Sarah to see if it was okay to be myself anymore. I wasn't ashamed to feel feminine or excitable or pretty anymore.

I threw away most of my jeans and t shirts that weren't for work, and I instead decided from there on then that I would always look my best – I would paint my eyes and my lips, and chose to wear dresses always. Wearing dresses had always been taboo for me. I had never felt confident with my own femininity or pretty enough to wear them. I wasn't allowed to wear them in school – mostly due to the kind of pressure that I would have come up against and the fact that I was afraid to feel helpless and gross somehow. At home my father had this unspoken assessment that wearing dresses was a sexual act. He hadn't shamed me, but given how he always sited studies that said that men were more attracted to women who wore dresses over jeans I had this feeling he would have been threatened by the idea that I was going to bring men home if I wore dresses. There was stigma to dresses – being dolled up was a weapon. It implied I was both a weak girly fool, and a lecherous whore – but somehow it meant that I was brave in a way that I hadn't been raised to be. And I hadn't had any female influence in my life to make the transition easier. I didn't know what to wear, or how to wear it. So wearing dresses was part of my truer self. It was empowering, and it was the way I was going to live my life from here on out.

I ended up getting an ear infection the first week that I worked in the dish pit. I had to wear a plain black baseball style cap and it covered my ears and between the sweat of working hard and the steam that rolled out of the dish machine, my ears became moist inside and I ended up with swimmer's ear. In a way, this ear infection was my new becoming – just like the one I had had at seventeen had been a becoming of sorts. I came out of the intense mind numbing feverish pain transformed and humbled. I managed this ear infection however, somehow I miraculously didn't have to take any days off of work. I went to the hospital, and they billed me three-hundred dollars to see a doctor for five minutes and get a very tiny bottle of ear infection medicine that did very little. I still have not paid the bill. When I ran out the infection came back. I didn't want to have to pay thousands of dollars because of the ear infection and I didn't want to go back to the doctors, so I instead looked up natural remedies to swimmer's ear online, and I discovered that the bacteria responsible could not live in certain pH conditions. Vinegar would kill anything growing in my ear, so I began to pour vinegar in my ear and almost immediately the ear infection cleared up. For a few weeks though, I smelled like apple cider vinegar. And my inner ear stung a bit from the acidity of the vinegar.

My mother was laying in her strange place one day as I was preparing to go to work, and she began asking me what was wrong with Sarah. Why was Sarah wasting her youth on some ugly mugged idiot who was clearly using her for her money. It was hard to picture Sarah as the fool she was clearly being. It was painful to watch Sarah so transparently give up so much of her individuality and things about her that made her so great to this horrible person who didn't even recognize or appreciate her. I shrugged and told my mother to ask Sarah about it – because honestly, I had lost the plot and I questioned my own ability to see through the reeds.

So then Sarah came out of her bedroom, and my mom told her to come to the bed and sit down to have a chat. My mom, quite confusingly, and much to her credit was the only adult that actually sat down and tried to talk to Sarah about where she was going with her life throughout this entire ordeal. My father had for some reason wanted to bring her down in some fashion, and Sarah's own mom was more or less left in the dark. I feel like Carol understood more than she let on, but the idea of her precious daughter running around with the likes of Zack wasn't something she personally felt she could face. Carol could be strong in some circumstances, a very industrious and straight forward person. But she could also be incredibly avoidant about personal issues that mattered, particularly where Sarah was concerned. She was afraid to admit to herself that Sarah was messing up, and she was afraid to tell Sarah what to do. She was secretly worried I am sure.

My mother explained it well. She didn't come from a position of loathing Sarah for hurting me, she didn't react defensively or rudely or come at it from an angle of trying to put Sarah down. She asked Sarah what on earth was going on with her. Was she okay? Could she not see that Zack was a terrible boyfriend? She asked her details about Zack. Sarah did her best to answer, and did her best to make excuses – but it sounded weak to her as soon as she made those excuses. Her voice faltered. My mom tried to explain to Sarah that she had also had boyfriends who were bad for her in her own life, men she had wasted absurd amounts of time on, who used her for her money (remember James), and wouldn't work. And in my mother's experience as a bartender for low end bars in town, she had seen men like Zack and they were always terrible and the women who ran after them thinking they would be the one to change them always came out of the situation short handed and oftentimes bitter about it. And my mom wanted to see Sarah with someone who would at least do his part financially. She wanted Sarah to thrive. She was too beautiful to be wasting herself on this gross selfish creep who didn't even change his clothes. Sarah didn't need to be with a junkie or a methhead. She deserved better,

In a way, it was sort of therapeutic for me to be in the room witnessing this conversation. I just sat at the computer desk and listened. It was stuff that I should have had the clarity to say, but it wouldn't have worked if I talked to Sarah at this point. For one, the whole thing was way to personal to me, as it had been a huge part of my recently discarded life. I couldn't be the friend that Sarah needed because it would seem selfish – either due to the fact that I desperately wanted Sarah's friendship again and Zack was hindering that, or I wanted revenge or some kind of personal sense that I had to break the two of them up – and in any case the situation of me talking about my feelings at all was touchy. I was just a touchy person these days and my emotions were wild and sometimes seemed disproportionate to the problems at hand – at least they seemed that way to everyone on the outside. I was not a reliable witness. Secondly, by following Sarah and Zack around and trying to love them both – I had been endorsing their relationship – my stamp of approval had already been put on it and the ink had dried. I didn't support them anymore, didn't find them interesting either, but it was too late for me to be taking back my endorsement. It was sad to say this, but regardless of either one of us had done to whom, in the end I couldn't' be the friend that Sarah needed and she couldn't be the friend I needed. So for my mom to step in and tell Sarah that she wasn't being evil, that she wasn't so special that she could cure addiction, that her relationship wasn't magical, and that Sarah was allowed to acknowledge she made a mistake – it was helpful.

In the end, Sarah deflected most of what my mother told her, and just repeated that she believed in Zack and loved him. My mom told Sarah it wasn't love at some point, and Sarah didn't agree. To an extent it was easy to pull apart my mother's life and see that despite how right she was in Sarah's given situation, my mom probably didn't know what love was either. She was spending her days talking to Asian men and pretending she was going to fly out there to live as a sexy mother Theresa once she dropped some pounds and started saving her money, paid off her debt and got a passport to whatever current country she was planning on going to which had not yet happened and didn't seem like it really would. All the same, the conversation aged well, and it is remembered as a noble effort on my mother's part to do the right thing in this given circumstance.

On the 4th of July Zany's closed for the holiday, but it was a day where some of the kitchen workers were paid to come in early anyway to pull out kitchen equipment and clean behind things that rarely ever got cleaned. I was scheduled to come in that day – thought truth be told there wasn't a lot I could do to help the guys. I didn't mind working. Anymore, while I was at work I had a purpose and I didn't feel sad or uncertain. It was always kind of a pain to my self esteem to be around people who were uncomfortable with me or tired of hearing me talk. I liked getting out of the house. One of the few things Nicholas told me to do was something involving a vent and a pipe and I had absolutely no idea what he meant. He didn't want to teach me, and seemed annoyed that I didn't know what to do. If I had asked him to instruct me he would have gotten proud and annoyed at me for it, so I just went into the dish pit and looked at the area I was supposed to do something with and waited for a nice person to come in and help me. I think it was a matter of fixing something. It involved tools I had never been shown.

Nicholas was the kitchen manager, but the real leader of the group was this guy named Levi. He generally worked in the deli area of the kitchen. He was in his mid to late twenties. He could he commanding and cold when it was necessary, but he was also very moralizing and fun. Everyone liked him. I liked him. He brought the best out of everyone around him. He knew when people were struggling and unlike the other fools, he often times tried to help people rather than put them down. He was the best worker in the whole restaurant for this reason. He was married to one of the waitress supervisors named Dani who worked at Zany's as well. She was very genuine and nice. They had a daughter together, and had been married for two years. Standing in the dish pit I felt vulnerable and fearful that Nicholas would catch me not completing this mysterious task that he had ordered me to do and insisted that I should already know how to fix. Levi came in and smiled at me. I asked him timidly and quite awkwardly if he would help me. He looked at what I was talking about, and he laughed. He said he would come back and help me. He couldn't believe Nicholas expected me to fix this thing myself.

So in a few minutes he came in and him and a few of the other guys set about laughing and joking around and showing me what I needed to do. I stood there helplessly watching as carefully as I could so that I never found myself in the uncomfortable predicament again. Nicholas came in the room as they were finishing the job, and he looked at me fiercely and demanded that I be the one who fixed the pipe. He demanded that I couldn't be getting the other people in the restaurant to do my job. Levi seemed to have this weird natural way about him. He amiably told Nick that I didn't know how to do what he had asked, and in any case it would have been an even worse disaster had I tried to do it myself. He basically shielded me from Nick, who carried on to order someone else to do something in an attempt to maintain an ere of control.

Levi smiled down at me, and in that moment I got this strange lump in my throat and butterflies in my chest and I looked down and blushed. I realized that I was having an idiot girl moment like in a bad movie. I couldn't believe this! I thought Levi was cute in like, the most basic primitive stupid way that I pretty much had counted myself as too good for years ago, and it was embarrassing for me. He had done the basic man thing and helped me do something I didn't know how to do myself, and now he had just 'protected me from danger'. He wasn't poetic – he hadn't displayed any of the refinements of a sophisticated and complex. This isn't to say that Levi was dumb – he wasn't dumb at all. But he wasn't structured like that. In no way shape or form did he seem like a match for me, nor did I truly think I was in love with him in that moment or have any ideas of this going anywhere. Which made me feel even more foolish. How confusing!

He hadn't done anything particularly special other than be the generally benevolent leader that he always was – but I had just melted like butter on account of it. He had this caring kindness in his eyes, and an attractive face. I really liked his round face and his dark complexion (he was of Native American decent). And he was always very humorous and in control and brave and self sacrificing. He was so well balanced.  And when someone pissed him off, he confronted with them about it fairly. And he got stuff done. He was essentially all the things that Zack wasn't.

But dear lord did I feel silly. Because I was crushing on this guy I had nothing in common with. And I was attracted to him in this corny conventional way and I couldn't control myself– the way of the way basic as hell teen movies presented girly crushes, and I was supposed to be above this! It had always seemed foolish and dumb, taking into account all the romantic characteristics I had gotten from books, and all my high expectations. And here I was admiring this guy's shoulders and feeling weak in the knees because he was 'manly' and soft at the same time. Furthermore and most importantly, he was married! Very Married. I knew his wife. She was a really sweet lady. There was absolutely no place for me in this scenario that seemed wholesome in any way, or realistic. There was absolutely nothing to pursue. But I couldn't stop thinking about it. Pursuit was the only thing I really knew how to do in these situations. Quietly perhaps, but I wasn't able to just let it be. But I couldn't do anything, so instead I just internally combusted whenever Levi said hi to me or smiled at me.

From then on, I was always excited to go to work if Levi was there. I would eventually get comfortable enough to joke around with the rest of the kitchen but when Levi said anything to me I sort of stiffened up. If I let myself be comfortable around him, then it would all come tumbling out somehow and my awkward secret would be spilled out for all to see all over the dish pit floor. Because I didn't have those boundaries like other people did. If I got comfortable then my body language and my eyes would betray me and I would be revealed as the true creep that I was. So my only recourse was to create physical boundaries by not letting myself get too comfortable. It wasn't hard because whenever he was in my presence I stopped thinking clearly. And it confused Levi because he really liked me in this totally innocent way and he interpreted my reaction to him as fear – which in a sense he was right, but for the wrong reasons. He told me himself several times that he thought I was one of the best workers in the kitchen, and that I seemed like I really bright, sensitive and intelligent girl. He didn't mean it as a form of hitting on me or some ulterior motive flattery. But I melted a little bit when he talked to me.

I felt really bad about it, but there was something kind of addictive about the guilt so when I attempted to shame myself into not thinking about it, I thought about it even more. I felt like some kind of Golemlike creature that was staring into Levi and Dani's living room window jealously on a dark serene Christmas night, wishing that I could be included in the family somehow with some kind of absurd Phantom of the Opera like madness of swooping in and stealing Levi and making him weird like me so he could live in the sewers and be my husband instead of Dani's. Perhaps I am exaggerating a little when I say it like this. But I often wondered what it was that attracted me to Levi, and when I thought about it long and hard I started to feel enormously sad. I think it was because Levi seemed very stable and kind. He was very assertive in a way that I didn't know how how to be, and very warm and huggable in a way I didn't feel like I was. And I had never had anything that was very stable or kind in my life. Most men I knew were mean and unpredictable and likely violent. In the end, I had to watch my back, and be careful not to bruise their tender egos else they would make me pay for it. I had grown up second nature with a mistrust that men had honest intentions and when I was around men I felt a little bit gun shy. And Levi was so fucking nice.

I had started to go through the process of befriending my own brokenness. I don't think my self esteem was the greatest, but I didn't process self hatred when I looked at myself in the mirror anymore. It was counterproductive to feel self pity or spend too much time thinking about what I didn't have. I looked at myself as a project of sorts – and in that sense I wasn't afraid to snip and break any part of me that could not fulfill my own goals, but I wasn't in the game to beat myself up anymore – at least not in the societal sense. I had come to terms with myself and my body and how life would be – so long as I kept moving forward and matching my own expectations. But I would never have what Levi had. Whatever it was that Levi embodied, it reminded me of a time in my early childhood where I had been acquainted with a simple sense of goodness, like the way a batch of cookies smell good in the oven. There wasn't much to think about or sort out. It was just delightful and good. I wanted life to be simple and good again. It wasn't the worst life. I had built this palace of ideas and exhilaration and sorrow. I wouldn't have given it up for anyone. But I was also tired and weary and Levi's limited presence in my life offered something that appealed to my childlike need to find something that felt like home.

There was a wall between me and the Levi's world though – and it wasn't something that was going to be broken down. I knew my place and even liked my place. I was made for more. I wasn't in the game to play house with someone. And in that sense I was kind of a Golem staring into the window as Levi and Dani watched their daughter open Christmas presence, unbeknownst to them that I was spying into their lives like a loathsome curious worm. I felt sort of like a creep being so attracted to Levi. I felt badly whenever Dani was nice to me. I felt like I was disrespecting her in some fundamental fashion by coveting her husband. She also liked me and thought I was bright and honest. I think she was mostly going by what Levi said about me, but it was enough to make me feel guilty.

And of course there was this disturbing part of me that entertained how I could edge in to Levi's life. I remember having this dream where I went into work, and everyone was gone in the whole building. I went into the back of the restaurant and looked down the line and there was Levi – he was the only one there, and the walls and the floor seemed to shake and yet everything was painfully and grossly clear. He didn't know I was there somehow, but the intensity of it being just him and I in the restaurant gave me this weird sense that my mind was boring into his life in ways I knew better than to do. Upon waking, I had this notion about how I could probably make myself seem cooler and more fun and personable to Levi than Dani. It would take years of rehearsing and focusing. It wouldn't break them up, but if I spent six insane years trying to break them up I could probably manage to make Levi very unhappy and confused. And I would have made some kind of weird mark on him and there was something satisfying in knowing that I could alter or change him – separate him from his family and his old life – give him some abstract thing to chase after rather than the comfort of family and the next meal.

And waking up with that feeling, I was covered in sweat and I felt guilty and sick and my skin hurt. This is sort of what I mean when I talked about having a bad side to me now. Because before Zack and Sarah, I never would have considered this. I would have calmly accepted Levi was with Dani and it never would have crossed my mind to manipulate that situation in my favor. Of course, I didn't manipulate anyone, and I never would. I would never ever make another woman feel terrible about herself or insecure in her relationship if I could ever possibly help it, even if some sick part of me felt compelled to do so. But having thought about it, and having had the kinds of dreams that lead me down this psychological journey, I felt like I had already done it, or at least laid down the psychological groundwork, and in that sense I had already done a very bad thing regardless of Levi or Dani could recognize it.

Later that 4th of July night, I begrudgingly went with Sarah and Zack to sit on the Lewiston hillside and watch the fireworks go across the town and decorate the sky and the reflect in the Snake and Clearwater River. I could see all the little lights of the town, I could see the light that was where my mother lived, I could see many of the places where my mom had moved us all, I could see the businesses I had known since I was very little. I could see Zany's and the area where Levi lived, the factory, the places I had attempted to apply to work at. It all seemed so small, and when I looked at the town from below, it made me want to choke. I felt this sick crazy feeling that it wasn't enough and I needed to get far away. And beyond the town, I could see the endless miles of empty eastern Washington desert that stretched out for hundreds of miles before finally turning into the Cascade Mountains – so far from the cities and places where things happened and I could find people who might understand me. This was the world I had always known. And it wasn't enough. It looked small. It gave me this perspective of how small I was in this ugly little town. Someone like Levi could flourish and do well here. But for me, I needed something more. I longed for something I would never find in this little crevasse of the world.

PART 98 - https://tinyurl.com/y7pjvn95

PART 97 - https://tinyurl.com/ybvlfusf

PART 96 - https://tinyurl.com/y8cm6pdy

PART 95 - https://tinyurl.com/ybxq2o5j

PART 94 - https://tinyurl.com/y8k7mwq4

PART 93 - https://tinyurl.com/yc8mae7e

PART 92 - https://tinyurl.com/yb7bwsuw

PART 91 - https://tinyurl.com/yar8e8rp

My Life Story in Chapters, PARTS 1-90 (this link below will lead you to a list of all the chapters i have written thus far).

http://aleatoryalarmalligator.tumblr.com/post/168782771574/life-story-sections-1-90

[sage-nebula]

(1/3) Ugh, I really hope Rika's route doesn't become a thing. I'd rather Cheritz put their resources towards giving the Original Story VNs voice acting, since (imo) they're super jarring to go back to now. Saying "Another Story did a lot of things wrong narratively" feels like an understatement, but damn can those VNs be emotional gut punches solely because of their talented voice actors. And, on another level, it would help clear up some misinterpretations about the Original Story.

Like, for example, the apartment days on Saeyoung's route. I never really understood where the "omg he's so mean" opinion came from. I read him as stressed, exhausted (given he hasn't slept in, what, four days?), and quietly overwhelmed. His voice actor, I feel, sells that characterization in calls, especially the one on Day 8 at 11:48AM, where he drops everything to save our useless MC from a cockroach and comforts her. But that's an outgoing call, so some players miss it.I'm so sorry for my complete failure at brevity . . . I understand Cheritz needs to make money, but with that paywall, some players are left with text alone and interpretations inevitably go awry. And it's so weird to go back to the original routes and have this dead silence during pivotal scenes. The Another Story VNs are supported by the talented performances of their VAs and I would love to have that in the original routes.

I agree with you that the Original Story would really benefit from full voice acting in all the VNs, and it’s a shame that we don’t get it (especially for any VN that Saeyoung is part of, because I love his voice actor, he does such an excellent job). I also agree with you that it’s jarring to go back to those VNs now, since we’re so used to full voice acting in Another Story. My thought is that Cheritz simply couldn’t afford to pay the VAs when they first made Original Story; Mystic Messenger’s success brought in a lot of money for them, and while they’ve famously donated a lot of their profits to charity, they no doubt still kept enough to allow their company to flourish and to enable them to do things like pay VAs for full voice acting. But that wasn’t the case back then, and as a result, you’re right: Some of the VNs definitely lose some emotional impact.

That said, I wouldn’t say that the lack of voice acting is the reason why so many people miss the blatantly obvious in Original Story. To begin with, even if the VNs did have full voice acting, that voice acting would still be in Korean. Most western players are not going to understand hardly a word of what is said outside of the text they read on screen. They have to read, and comprehend what they’re reading, either way. And one could argue that full voice acting might even be a detriment, since their attention would be torn between listening to the voice actor and actually reading the words in front of them. (This isn’t an issue for those of us who are used to watching foreign language productions with subtitles, but to some it may be. There’s a reason why some people naturally prefer dubs to subs, after all.) Regardless of whether that argument holds up, though, the fact is that anyone playing Mystic Messenger is going to have to read regardless. They have to. They have to read, and be able to understand, the words in the game. And yet so many people in this fandom simply . . . don’t. To use Saeyoung as an example, he says multiple times that he has quit hacking and is no longer an agent as of the culmination of his route. Yet how many people still write him as though he’s a hacker working for the agency in fics and “Imagines” that take place after his route? It’s right there in plain English in the text, and they still don’t get it. I’m not sure how Korean voice acting would help fix that. Sure, it would make scenes far more emotional, but I’m not sure how it would help the reading comprehension of some people in this fandom.

(And again, I know this sounds mean, and I’m sorry. But it’s just a bit frustrating when this shouldn’t be such an easily missed detail, when it’s said very bluntly several times, and yet . . .)

As for people calling him mean during the apartment days, I don’t think that’s an issue of reading comprehension so much as it is an issue of player entitlement. People don’t care about Saeyoung’s struggles or problems. They, like MC, only care about having him fawn over MC and shower her in undivided attention and affection. It doesn’t matter to them that he just found out that his beloved brother has been used, abused, and is now attacking Saeyoung and everyone else he cares about. It doesn’t matter to them that the agency is going to track him down in an attempt to murder him, using the person who has been his closest companion for years to do it. It doesn’t matter to them that he has just found that the man he considered to be his father for years has been lying to him all this time. It doesn’t matter to them that he’s struggling with chronic severe depression, an anxiety disorder, and complex post-traumatic stress disorder. It doesn’t matter to them that he’s trying to juggle all of this at once. All that matters to them is that he’s not gushing over MC, showering her in compliments, and making it known that his entire existence now revolves around her and their relationship. The fact that he tries to set boundaries, the fact that he repeatedly apologizes but tells her that he doesn’t feel comfortable pursuing a relationship, the fact that he just asks for space so that he can get work done---to them, that’s “mean,” because he’s not giving in to their selfishness and entitlement. It’s mean because he’s putting his needs above their desires, and above what MC clearly wants (because she, evidently, doesn’t give a damn about him or his very real problems, either).

So in this case, it’s not reading comprehension so much as it is a lack of care for Saeyoung or his struggles, and a sense of entitlement that makes them feel as though any thoughts or feelings he has should be set aside for them (/MC). It’s gross, but it is what it is.

But yeah, I agree that having voice acting for the VNs in the original routes would be amazing, and would be better than a Rika Route. Unfortunately, I’m 99% sure we’re going to get a Rika Route no matter what, so . . . buckle up for Discourse Hell, because you just know the fandom is going to go ballistic whenever it’s announced.

[anti-onion-posts]

Onision and Narcissism

Prepare yourselves, this is long. 

At the end of this it seems as if I am being sympathetic towards Onision, in a way I am but he is still a garbage human being in my opinion. 

When it comes to Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) like every other psychological disorder there are certain criteria that need to be filled for an individual to be diagnosed. 

10-13% of the general population have some form of a personality disorder as suggested by a study done by Weissman (1993), these people can merge into the general population. Most have more than two personalities disorders. There are three clusters when it comes to PD's, Cluster A - odd and eccentric, B - attention seeking and selfish and C - anxious and fearful. Narcissistic personality disorder falls under cluster B - attention seeking and selfish.

Traits of NPD:

·         Has a grandiose sense of self-importance.

·         Preoccupied with fantasies; success, beauty, power or love

·         Believes that they are unique and can only be understood or/and associate with others that have a high status.

·         Needs to feel excessive admiration; they will fish for compliments and will be highly susceptible to forms of flattery.

·         Feels entitlement.

·         Interpersonally exploitative; they will use others to achieve their goals.

·         Lacks empathy; they are either unwilling or unable to recognize or identify with others feelings.

·         Envious of others or believe that other people are envious of them.

·         Arrogant and shows rude and abusive behaviours and/or attitudes.  

 Now, I touched upon something on one of my firsts posts which is something I’d like to go in more detail about.

Onision is what I like to call an insecure narcissist.

Recently there has been some advances in clinical and empirical studies for NPD which recognized that narcissism can be co-occurring with vulnerability; inferiority, insecurity, etc.

(Note: Personally, I believe that an insecure narcissist can be/is more dangerous than an individual with NPD. Unfortunately, it is hard to back up this claim as research in this area is hard to come by.)

Let’s have a look at some of these traits and how easily it is to tie them to Onision.

Criticism

When it comes to criticism or anything that is remotely assumed to be an interpreted as negative whenever that be evaluating personality, performance and behaviour. Individuals with NPD will be highly reactive to it.

Even if it is constructive criticism.

Why?

From this they will be forced to come to terms with admitting some form of vulnerability and in return they will act defensively. Whenever that be through attempting to falsify evidence, lying, attempting to change the subject or respond to it in a way that they have been asked something that is not relating to the subject.

The ability to accept criticism comes from how secure we feel as a person as well as our resilience.

‘’But aren’t narcissistic secure? They have huge egos.’’

That would be correct, yes, however their ego maybe oversized and/or artificially inflated this can’t be viewed as being either secure or resilient. It can be very easily punctured so when they are criticised they show themselves to be poorly incapable of holding any emotional poise and receptivity.

(Receptivity: able or quick to receive knowledge, ideas.)

However, despite not being able to accept criticism they will demonstrate an abnormally developed capacity to criticize others. There are two common terms that are using in psychoanalytical literature and these are; narcissistic injury and narcissistic rage.

Injury:

Results from childhood; deficient parents not being able to nurture them. They don’t feel parents love which is prerequisite when it comes to self-love. Meaning that a parent’s love is needed to build a basic understanding of what ‘love’ is.

Therefore, they need to contently prove themselves by claiming superiority over others by doing this it can condition them to feel as if they are ‘good enough’ to be loved. In return this simply in time alienate them.

(Just as a note, not all children will react in this way not every child with bad parents will grow to become narcissists.)

This is also the same when it comes to rejection and we all know that Onision doesn’t handle rejection well. An example of this would be when Shane Dawson refused to collab with him it’s was insulting to him, and he took it extremely personally. ''How dare this person not want to work with me'' easily translates into, ''How dare this person reject me?''

Watch his video he made on his patrons leaving after his comments on the Manchester bombings, them taking away their pledge to him = them rejecting him.

Rage:

Due to being incredibly sensitive to criticism as this can bring feelings of anxiety, so to safeguard themselves they will react with defiance or with verbal violence. This is narcissistic rage.

They go to great lengths to invalidate the person criticising them; to achieve such dismissal of the individual criticising them, they'll do everything possible to negate their viewpoint. And this can include much more than blaming or challenging them.

‘’You did this wrong.’’

‘’Show me, show me the evidence of what I did wrong. Oh, you don’t have evidence on you? Well you are the one who is wrong, not me.’’

Narcissists are prone to these rages and will sacrifice others for personal gain - His multiple videos on Billie which ultimately lead to her public humiliation, so he could have something to talk about in his YouTube videos. He sacrificed her confidential information, so he could get monetary gain.

Check out his video when it came to him reading his book reviews he couldn't handle the negative criticisms that was left. He will deflect, and he will divert until he can escape that feeling, that notion that everyone gets when they are rejected. This leads to the second stage of his psychosis; The superiority complex, which is an extreme defence mechanism to remove himself of all criticism and responsibility while pinning it on others.

It's the ''It's not my fault, they're stupid because they don't understand, no it's not me, right?''

When their position has been exposed as false they will become evasive and articulate lies or half-truths and will flat out contradict themselves (sound like someone we know?) this can be to such a degree that it can leave the people watching this happen sit back in disbelief.

A big cause for the feelings of anger and rage in a moment is that they will externalise the more painful anxiety or shame related emotions. They will feel these types of emotions, or remembering a time in the past where they have been humiliated and transfer these unwanted feelings to another.

‘’I’m not stupid, you are!’’

‘’You can’t say I have NPD, are you a doctor? No? Exactly, stupid.’’

If the individual that the rage is aimed at has no idea why the outburst took place a sudden explosion of this rage will more than likely leave them feeling confused and maybe even frightened to express their opinion again.

Low self-esteem

Being constantly driven to prove themselves to both the people around them and them, this leads to a low self-esteem. This is the self-doubting and recessive part of them and they try hard to make sure that it is well hidden from sight. Once again this is coming with the feeling of fear of inferiority.

They will use many defence mechanisms to hide this:

·         Posturing exceptionally high self-esteem.

·         Fishing for compliments.

·         Bragging about their (exaggerated) achievements.

The ‘misunderstood special person’ which include notions such as:

·         ‘’I’m special.’’

·         ‘’I’m one of a kind.’’

·         ‘’I’m ahead of my time.’’

·         ‘’I’m so unique no one understands me.’’

·         ‘’I’m so much smarter than everyone else.’’

These are coupled with the common traits of NPD and construct a superficial belief that they are exceptional and for insecure narcissists it creates a reassuring role a second skin that they can live in which hides their true self.

Self-righteous and defensive

Needing to protect an overblown but incredibly fragile ego their defense system can be very easy to set off. When they are challenged the survival depends on being right or justified instead of just admitting that they are wrong or apologising.

‘’Onision has apologised before!’’

Yes, yes, yes but look at the circumstances of the apology everything that Onision does is a strategic move even when it comes to apologising.

He will say something bad.

People will be outraged.

He defends what he said.

Loses subscribers/patrons = losing money.

Onision: ‘’Hey guys, I’m sorry for what I said.’’

He apologises when he needs to do damage control because he has been pushed to do so, not because he wants to genuinely apologise for what he said. This pulls back his fans into defending him again.

‘’Does anyone remember what he said about (X)?’’

‘’Yeah, but he apologised!’’

I will admit and say that this is a very smart strategy and it clearly works it’s just a shame that his fans don’t see this move; they don’t see that he uses them as his first line of defence when it comes to protecting himself from criticism.

Furthermore, individuals with NPD have a ‘my way or the highway’ attitude they are stubborn, completive and insistence that their point of view is correct coupled with their feeling of being self-righteous.

This is to hide their underlying doubts about not being good enough and the more self-righteous (mostly exaggerate and puffed up by themselves) they are the more they will feel endangered by a conflicting opinion.

Projecting

To hide that they are insecure they will redirect any unfavorable traits that they have to someone else. As they cannot deal with being imperfect as their emotional capability is underdeveloped.

Hint: Social repose.

Poor boundaries

They view people as objects that exist primarily to serve their own needs – putting their own needs in front of others as well, even their own children – this is known in literature as ‘narcissistic supplies’ since others are regarded to cater to their personal desires.

Their boundaries are unevenly developed and will prompt them to dominate in conversations where it is inappropriate and share intimate details about their life. Such as over sharing their private life and disclosing information that others wouldn’t; as what they are sharing would be humiliating.

Yet with insensitivity to how others will react to their words, they’re highly likely to blurt out things or even boast about them; even if it will be views as tasteless and/or offensive. To add on to this, they will often ask other questions that are far to person or intimate. Such situations can be particularly difficult for the other person if the narcissist is in a position of authority over them so that not responding could, practically, put them in some jeopardy.

Someone with NPD will share with pride how they have chewed someone out and expect the people around them to be impressed by what they have done.

Relationships

Narcissists have issues (or they are in able) when it comes to connecting with people; they will instead focus on something else whenever that be:

·         Work

·         Social networking

·         Books

·         Games

·         Fantasies

During relationships though they will ‘set things up’ this is common in intimate relationships and if they are married they can be incredible hard on their spouse. They need to see themselves as perfect so when their spouse makes a mistake in that moment they will attempt to remove themselves from their partners and can be extremely unkind even brutal when they react to them.  

Conclusion

When an individual with NPD has these defences, they will not grow as a human being and will not take responsibility for their lives. They are bound in a stagnate two-dimensional world where they only see black and white; grey areas do not exist.

They remain empty emotionally and lack the strength that would let them be genuinely vulnerable to others. There is a consent need to fill what they never had as a child, the relationships that they have when older show a strong level of detachment.

They are not free to change so Onision is a lost cause trying to change the way he thinks will never work. He is unable to change as he doesn’t want to be wrong, he can’t stand to be wrong. He is a text book case of a multiple of the cluster B personality disorders; displaying characteristics of Histrionic, Narcissistic and Borderline personality disorder.

He has a strong desire for attention and the continuous change in his persona - therefore he can't keep to an opinion and is often seen as a hypocrite - and his strong reactions to rejection is what leads him to a vicious cycle that deteriorate him as a person. I personally believe that he is afflicted with a mental disconnection, he is not aware of his illness and can't be made aware of it by normal means. He is emotionally dangerous to anyone that interacts with him. It is because of this mental disconnection is why when people mention that has some form of a mental disorder he defensively denies the claim. He is in this consent cycle and will never be a complete person.  

Narcissists are victims but at the same time they are the perpetrator too.

Narcissists are made not born.

[generaldentistryofcanandaigua]

Your Ultimate Guide To Full-Arch Implants

What Are Full-Arch Implants?

Having missing teeth—even a lot of them—doesn’t mean an end to carefree eating, laughing, speaking, and smiling. If most or all of your natural teeth are gone or are decayed beyond repair, don’t give up hope! The revolutionary full-arch dental implants procedure can provide you with a strong and spectacular-looking set of artificial teeth that will function just like healthy, natural teeth. 

They are by far the most durable, reliable, and long-term cost-effective solution in restorative dentistry—and getting started is easier than you may think. In fact, a free consultation may be all that stands between you and your journey to the smile you want! This guide is to help you discover whether full-arch implants may be a good fit for you and your needs, so read on and see why millions of Americans trust in them to transform their smiles. 

Read to the end to get our #1 tip to guarantee a better and brighter smile!

Are Full-Arch Implants Right For Me?

When deciding whether or not full-arch implants are the right decision for you, the first thing to consider is if you might be a suitable candidate. This is dependent upon your medical history, the condition of your teeth, your age, and other factors outlined below. 

Who Are They For?

Full-arch implants are for people that are experienced a reduced quality of life due to missing multiple teeth or full rows of teeth (upper or lower) who:

Are in good general health

Have good oral health 

Are roughly 18 years or older (have a fully-developed jaw)

Who Are They Not For?

Full-arch implants are very reliable and effective teeth replacement solutions, but they’re not ideal for everyone. They may not be right for you if:

You have poor dental hygiene (smoking can contribute to these issues)

You have underlying medical conditions such as cancer, uncontrolled diabetes, or blood-clotting disorders

You are under the age of 18 (in which case it is recommended that you wait until your jawbone is fully developed before seeking treatment)

In general, if you are looking for a lifelong, dependable solution for your missing teeth and are in good health, full-arch implants could be your key to a brighter smile and a more fulfilling life. If you’re ready to see if they’re the best next step for you is to schedule a free consultation with qualified, full-arch implant experts.

What Are The Benefits Of Full Arch Implants?

Full-arch implants are potentially life-changing procedures, but what do you have to look forward to if you are considering them as a solution to restore your smile?

Here are some of the primary long-term benefits that you’ll love:

You’ll be able to speak more clearly and easily

You’ll live every day with more comfort and less pain

You’ll be able to enjoy your favorite foods again

You’ll save money in the long term compared to dentures & implants

You’ll improve the strength of your jawbone

Your full-arch implants will last a lifetime with good maintenance

Your implants will be stronger than natural teeth

You’ll be able to enjoy spending time with friends & family with more confidence

And most importantly… you’ll finally b able to fall back in love with your smile

All of these benefits and so many more are being experienced right now by millions of people just like you who are turning to full-arch implants to improve their smiles and their futures.

And you deserve to join them!

How Do They Compare To Other Options?

Another important thing to understand is how full-arch implants compare to other teeth replacement options. It is important to understand what options you have and the benefits and drawbacks of each so you can make the most informed decision possible.

Here are three of the most common solutions and what you can expect with each:

Dentures:

Dentures sit on top of your gums where the missing teeth were. They are inexpensive initially and are removable, but as you’ll see, they have quite a few major drawbacks.

Pros: 

Dentures have a low initial cost 

They are relatively low-hassle to install as they do not require surgery 

They can be used even with damaged teeth or jawbones 

Cons:

Dentures are not fixed in place, which can cause discomfort

They tend to wear out after 7-15 years

They can be costly to maintain

You can check out a more in-depth comparison between this classic solution and full-arch implants here.

Bridges: 

Bridges work by attaching to the remaining healthy teeth surrounding a gap to create a bridge across the area in your mouth. A cap is then placed over each tooth and along with the bridge, replace the missing teeth.

Pros: 

Bridges are cost-effective

They do not require bone grafting

Cons:

Must be supported by existing teeth

Can cause wear and potential damage over time

They can be costly to maintain

Full-Arch Implants: 

Dental implants are an effective long-term solution for replacing missing teeth, with full-arch implants being the ideal solution for replacing full rows of teeth in the mouth. Many are turning to them to provide benefits where dentures and bridges can’t. 

Pros: 

Can last a lifetime with proper care

Do not cause undue burden on the mouth

Always remain fixed in place

Offer the greatest ease of use and functionality of all tooth replacement solutions

Do not need replacing due to wear under normal circumstances

Cons: 

Expensive to initially implant

May require bone grafting

Require a longer healing period after the procedure

You can get a full breakdown of the pros and cons here, but in the majority of cases, we recommend full-arch implants as a safe and reliable long-term solution for superior smile restoration.

How Much Do Implants Cost?

One of the common questions you might have is how much the investment is to get full-arch implants and get a lasting set of teeth for life. The price of a full-arch implant varies based on your individual needs, but here are a few of the factors that contribute to the final cost:

The number of implants you get

Whether or not you require bone grafting

If you need any tooth extractions prior to the procedure

You can click here to get a more detailed look at how these play a role in the final price.

Consider The Cost Of Inaction:

When you think about the price of implants, it is also important to consider the cost of leaving your teeth the way they are. Here are just a few of the reasons why waiting to fix your smile could cost you a lot not only in cash but in confidence:

Decades of discomfort: If you leave things the way they are, you will continue to experience the pain you are feeling today. It will be hard or impossible to eat your favorite foods with the daily discomfort of your current smile controlling your life. 

Pricey replacements: If you are wearing dentures or bridges, they come with a hidden cost. Since they are not a lifelong restorative solution, you will have to pay thousands of dollars each time these need replacing, a problem that could’ve been avoided by getting full-arch implants from the start.

Low confidence: It’s no secret that missing teeth isn’t only bad for your health—it is also bad for your self-image. Unfortunately, many adults with missing teeth live in shame of your smiles, unable to go out with friends or family and afraid to live with the joy and confidence they once had. 

Trapped by your teeth: When you think about it, your teeth are not just made for chewing—they are made to give you the freedom to eat, speak, and experience your life with comfort and confidence. If your teeth are causing you shame, then it’s time to change things and make a choice that will set you free.

Full-arch implants do more than restore your ability to eat, communicate, and live with more confidence. They help you boldly and proudly say yes to everything your old smile had taken away. And no one deserves that more than you. 

See how the smile of your dreams is closer than you think!

The Secret Key To A Successful Full-Arch Implant:

When it comes to guaranteeing the safety and security of your smile, there is one thing that will make it happen more than any other: choosing the right dental implant experts.

But how do you know who to look for?… 

While all dentists can perform implant surgeries, we advise you to look for a dental implant specialist who has been specifically trained to handle complex implant procedures. As an example, Dr. Charles at GDAI is a graduate of the American Academy of Implant Dentistry (AAID), Associate Fellows of the AAID, as well as a member of other top implant dentistry organizations in the country. 

It’s also important to know that Dr. Charles has successfully helped people like you transform their smiles and lives with full-arch implants. You should look for an implant specialist with a track record of successfully performing full-arch implant procedures. It is great to ask if they have experience with bone grafting or handling complications that may arise in the procedure process.

Here are a few questions we recommend asking when looking for the right specialist for you:

Question 1: Is my dentist specifically trained in performing dental implants?

Question 2: How many successful implants has my dentist performed? 

Question 3: Does the practice has the latest equipment for the procedure?

Question 4: What will the consultation entail and what can I expect?

Question 5: Do you have testimonials of clients or past implant patients you could refer me to?

Ultimately, you’re looking for a dentist with a solid track record of successfully installing full-arch implants. You want to make sure that they are knowledgeable and using up-to-date equipment to aid them in the procedure and want to be assured that they will work with you during the consultation to answer any and all questions you may have. After all, our job as dentists is not just to fix your teeth, but to help you feel as confident as possible every step of the way. 

How Can I Get Started?

If you feel that full-arch implants could be right for you, we’d love to explore how we may be able to help you fall back in love with your smile!

Ready to see what’s possible with full-arch implants?

Yes! Give Me My Dream Smile!  

Your Ultimate Guide To Full-Arch Implants

from WordPress https://generaldentistryofcanandaigua.wordpress.com/2020/10/01/your-ultimate-guide-to-full-arch-implants/

[ganymedesclock]

Do you think Slav actually sees multiple realities?

Sees them? Not really. I think that Slav has an incredibly vivid imagination and a truly terrifying grasp on quantum mechanics and higher math that means he’s basically doing a lot of rapid-fire calculations to try and rate the probability of certain events.

That’s where, I think, the whole multiple realities thing comes in- I think Slav looks at a lot of hypotheticals not just one jump down the line, but several. This is why he can sometimes be a bit at a loss for how to respond and why Shiro sometimes pointedly reminds him to focus on this reality. If the rest of the team is at the stage of “let’s flip a coin to make a decision” Slav has already cleared “if coin lands heads > we follow that choice > but what if we have a catastrophic engine failure on the way there?

There’s a couple of factors here that can make this very upsetting for Slav.

As mentioned, he has a vivid imagination. This makes sense as a creative individual and, seemingly, someone who is very prone to thought experiments- when the warden has him strapped down and being tortured, Slav (albeit under duress) is able to crank out fully formed inventions for something as complex as genetic modifications/basically a super serum. Without any tools, or, in fact, any mean to write something down.

Slav’s laboratory is basically entirely in his head. He doesn’t need much outside input which would suggest he has not just an incredible imagination, but an incredible memory.

Unfortunately, Slav is very cynical. He’s kind of developed that way by being in a very dangerous world and a very hostile, downright dangerous situation- remember his first reaction to Shiro coming to rescue him was to first ask if Shiro was planning to torture him (unknown, unfamiliar person? probably wants to hurt you, in Slav’s perspective), and when Shiro confesses it’s a prison break, Slav panics because he’s sure that it’s an incredible statistic probability he’s going to die. And even when he’s in a better mood, he remains sure of that analysis: they’re all probably going to die, or at least he is.

It doesn’t mean that Slav is a quitter, by any means. If anything, we see that he’s quite willing to risk himself and he has no intention of sabotaging his own rescue. The riskiest thing he does, screaming, he didn’t realize he’d done it- basically it was a pure panic reflex and a subconscious one at that.

And probably a major contributing force in that cynicism is the fact that: Slav has pretty clear OCD, which is an anxiety disorder. OCD is sometimes misunderstood as being excessively finicky, but, in actuality, it can be broken down roughly into obsessions and compulsions- basically being beset with intrusive thoughts that something will go horribly, awfully wrong and the only way to prevent it is acting on some kind of ritual. 

In Slav’s case, his ability to crunch variables and probabilities in his head seems to have given him a massive scope of things to avoid. He can’t let it go. Sure, it might modify the odds of their escape by maybe a hundredth of a percent at best but that might be the hundredth of a percent that they need. And since Slav is still pretty new to us, a lot of his thought process is uncertain at this point. The blanket might be a pure compulsion, it doesn’t really need to make sense, but, it could also be he’s made a logical jump of “okay maybe if I position the blanket juuuust like this I can distract the next guard that comes to make sure I’m in my cell for several more fractions of a second before they realize that lump is not me, and thus we have several more fractions of a second to get the hell out of Dodge.”

However, since a big part of OCD is the “vivid and very convincing ways everything could go horribly wrong” that’s probably a nightmare to deal with for someone like Slav, who, as mentioned, is staggeringly, prodigiously gifted in being able to make abstract visualizations. Upsetting scenarios like drowning hit him in such vivid detail that he actually talks about how he can feel being unable to breathe when, as Shiro points out, the actual real-world stimuli is a shallow puddle that Slav would have to be trying very hard to actually risk drowning in.

It also doesn’t help that, considering Slav mentions that he’s actually unable to recall if he knows how to swim, it’s quite possible memory problems are something else Shiro and Slav have in common- pretty likely since the warden was very actively messing around with Slav’s brain. Running up against a void in his memory might make him panic and try to balance hypotheticals backwards as well as forwards, which might be what he was talking about when discussing realities where he learned to swim and realities where he didn’t. He’s dealing with a blank space and there’s enough variables that even he could be there for hours trying to crunch the probabilities.

But getting back to the puddle- for Slav, just considering those scenarios while he’s highly stressed and thus vulnerable could be so intensely uncomfortable that it’s just as debilitating as him actually having a near death encounter with the puddle itself. Especially, again, if he has an excellent memory and attention to detail that he can’t exactly shut off- it’d likely mean that if he’s stressed out and considers a possibility that ends in “and we all get captured by the empire and I go back to being tortured” his mind could very likely actually reconstruct the sensation of the torture.

Considering Slav is not an unresponsive heap on the floor, and actively does a pretty dang good job staying in the present, that’d suggest he has a pretty incredible handle on his issues. It’s fair to assume in s2e10 that all of Slav’s issues were exacerbated well beyond where they normally are, and we see that in practice, he’s generally a lot calmer outside of it.

You can draw a pretty solid parallel between how Shiro usually acts and his flashback in s2e3, how we see an inattentive, panicky Shiro whose bravado is pretty thinly painted over how utterly terrified he is. We don’t see him thinking to scan the hall before he bolts and he barely makes it to his destination.

[warriorgoddesswriting]

How to Help a Loved One Who Is Chronically Ill

I’ve posted before about things not to say to someone who is chronically ill, but I’ve never provided a list of ways to help them and I feel that would be, well, helpful! It’s got to be difficult to watch someone you love suffer from something as consuming as chronic illness, so here are some things that I’ve found most helpful:

1. Be there - It’s as simple as it sounds. We sometimes feel overly needy when we ask for anything because we need help so often that we worry we’re a burden. It’s extremely helpful to be reminded (and reminded often!) that you’re there for us anytime and that we don’t burden you. We know that it’s got to be difficult to deal with the constant fluctuation in our health, but we need someone that can prove to us that they mean it when they say they’ll always be there for us; we need that consistency in our lives!

2. Ask how we’re really doing and be prepared for the answer - Those of us with chronic illnesses are also brilliant actors and actresses (or chronic liars, depending on how you look at it haha). We assume, and usually correctly, that people don’t really want to hear how we’re really doing when they ask it’s just a nicety. Ask how we’re doing and we’re always “okay” or “getting by,” when in reality we’re likely screaming in our heads “I’M MISERABLE” or thinking about how we spent last night in the emergency room but are back at work smiling today! So be persistent and make it clear that you want the truth! We always appreciate this, as small a gesture as it may be.

3. Listen - Often times acquaintances (and sadly sometimes people close to us) think they know what’s going on in our bodies better than we do. I think they typically mean well, but the way people go about trying to help is just all wrong and it’s usually because they think they know what’s best and don’t listen to what we tell them (see my post “Just Don’t” about things that are particularly infuriating and obnoxiously common to hear as someone with a chronic illness). Which leads to my next suggestion...

4. Ask questions - We actually really appreciate it when people close to us ask questions (well, at least I do but I don’t want to speak for everyone)! It shows us that you respect us enough to listen and not assume that you know everything about what’s going on. It also shows that you care enough to want to learn more. 

5. Read a little about our conditions - Pretty self-explanatory. It’s a little thing but it helps us because it shows you care and took a little extra time out of your day to learn about something very important to us.

6. Don’t worry about fixing things - I think loved ones often feel helpless when watching someone they love suffer (duh, right?) and they want to fix the problem causing the suffering. Unfortunately, with chronic illness there is no quick fix. Given that we don’t even really know how to fix it ourselves, we would never expect you to fix it! Trust that we’re constantly trying new things and doing all that we can to get better. I guarantee that is the case. So don’t worry about searching for “the cure.” The thought and effort is so appreciated, but in the end, I think it’s actually more helpful just to put more time and effort into these kinds of suggestions here than it is to keep searching for ways to fix an unfixable problem.

7. Believe us - Please please please don’t doubt what we share with you. It is so difficult to be vulnerable and share such personal details of your life with someone and it’s soul-crushing to not be believed. Trust us, we would know from experience, be it with doctors, family, friends, significant others, and the list goes on. We already hide at least half our symptoms at least half of the time, often for the very reason that we’re afraid of being doubted, so if we choose to divulge something, it’s really affecting us. Know that.

8. Try not to assume things about our mental state or our pain level even on days that we’re out and about - There are some (okay, lots of) days where I force myself out of bed and out of the house when I’m in pain and depressed and/or anxious. That’s quite simply because I am in pain every day and depressed and/or anxious more often than not so if I didn’t force myself I would do absolutely nothing. So while I appreciate the thought behind saying I look like I’m feeling better, know that it’s all a carefully crafted illusion created by lipstick and lots and lots of caffeine. This is important because I think the thing that creates the most doubt in people’s minds about my illness is my appearance and my ability to do some things. I can do things but know that I pay for everything I do later in added pain and symptoms. My symptoms can also vary not only day to day but hour to hour, which makes planning difficult and can be confusing when I can’t do what I just did this morning by the afternoon. I try to have as normal a life as I can because, well, who wants to be sick all the time? But that seems to be really confusing to people (which is completely understandable because it’s difficult for me and it’s my life!). So just try to remember that while I’m trying my hardest to have fun and appear normal, I still have my limitations and may still need some help even on “good days.”

9. Express how you’re truly feeling - It’s actually comforting to me when people have told me that they’re scared or worried about me, which may sound strange, but it makes me feel a lot less alone. So if you’re scared or uncomfortable or something like that please don’t be afraid to tell us! One of the things I’ve been forced to learn from being sick has been to be more vulnerable and that being vulnerable, while still scary, isn’t a bad thing. I feel that actually saying exactly what I’m feeling even when it’s something like fear or discomfort makes my relationships a lot more open and meaningful. So please share your viewpoint with us!

10. Try to be patient with us - Getting frustrated with us is understandable at times, but please remember that we’re even more frustrated with ourselves. Try to be patient when we need extra help or can’t go out again. Think about how we must feel already: like a burden, like a let-down, like a bad friend or family member...so it makes it a lot easier to deal with the guilt that comes as an inherent part of chronic illness when the people around us are as patient as possible.

11. Continue inviting us to things even when we often can’t attend - Like I said above, please trust me when I say that we absolutely hate having to miss out on things, and we feel extremely guilty and frustrated when we can’t go or have to cancel plans. But we love it so much when people don’t forget about us and continue inviting us even though they know we likely won’t be able to go. We still desire to feel included and remembered.

12. Encourage us - It is incredibly difficult to have hopes and dreams as someone who is chronically ill. Chronic pain truly alters your brain both chemically and structurally; it literally rewrites your brain to make you more depressed and anxious. Which, when you think about how pain makes you feel mentally, this shouldn’t come as much of a surprise. But being constantly in pain wears you down so much that it makes you feel as though you’ll never escape and that there’s no point in trying to accomplish anything. It makes you feel that you’re a failure before you even begin. It’s also extremely discouraging to go years hoping different doctors will help you, hoping different medications will help you, hoping different therapies will help you...only to have your hopes crushed almost every single time. So you kind of learn not to get your hopes up anymore. These things make it very hard to continue looking forward to the future and to follow your hopes and dreams (it makes it hard to even MAKE new hopes and dreams), which are essential parts of creating motivation to stay alive! What I’m getting at is that we crave encouragement! Whether it’s something as simple as encouraging us to keep trying a new medication, to keep going to doctors, to keep getting out of bed each day, or just to make sure we keep taking care of ourselves, that feeling of being cared about and believed in is HUGE for us. 

13. Acknowledge our victories (both big and small) - Another thing I absolutely love is when people tell me they’re proud of me. I know I sound like a 5-year-old, right? But for us getting out of bed truly is a much bigger accomplishment than you’ll ever know, and it’s hard to know that nobody understands what it takes just to do the most basic things that make up a life. To understand what life is like for people with some chronic illnesses, here are some comparisons that may help put things in perspective for healthy people: people with postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS) have their symptoms such as chest pain, trouble breathing, fluctuation in blood pressure, and tachycardia and heart palpitations compared to having congestive heart failure or chronic obstructive pulmonary disorder (COPD); many people with costochondritis (inflammation of the cartilage of the ribs, occurring as a symptom of many chronic illnesses) think they may be having a heart attack before it’s diagnosed because the pain is so severe doctors have said that a normal person would have to stay up for 3 days straight and then try to function to understand the level of fatigue typical of someone with fibromyalgia; complex regional pain syndrome (CRPS), or reflex sympathetic dystrophy (RSD) is nicknamed “the suicide disease” because the pain is so immense. And folks, one of my favorite chronic illness jokes is that chronic illnesses are like Pokemon, you gotta catch ‘em all! Most people have many comorbid chronic conditions, so imagine living with all of the above problems in one body and then trying to function. We don’t want pity, we just want awareness and acknowledgment. Really, all it takes is something as simple as saying, “I’m proud of you for making it through another day I know it was hard for you.” What we see as accomplishments may seem silly to you, but to us it feels like we conquered Mount Everest by getting out of bed. We‘re painfully aware that we don’t have as many (if any) big life achievements to celebrate so we’ve had to shift our perspectives a bit and we’d love it if you’d take part in celebrating our tiny victories with us.

14. Take care of yourself - I think this is something a lot of you forget or don’t think about (I’m especially thinking of my parents who are incredibly selfless). As the saying goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup. You can’t help us if you aren’t taking care of yourself properly. This is also a good time to point out that our relationship with you is still a relationship regardless of us being sick, which means we’re here to help you, too! It feels great for us to be the ones helping out others. Remember that taking care of yourself is a necessity and is not selfish in any way. 

These may seem like small, simple suggestions, but it’s these little gestures that have meant the most to me. It’s a difficult thing, to maintain a relationship with someone who has a chronic illness, but I think the struggles that are faced make these relationships something stronger and more essential than a lot of relationships that have not been tested by something as demanding as chronic illness. It’s by no means easy and it’s not something everyone can handle, but I hope that the unique challenges chronic illness brings may help you come to appreciate your loved ones and your life even more, as they have for me.