#ugh i need to not go on reddit and just stay on tumblr bc at least it's easier for me to ignore ppl who say things like that on here

[roscoehamiltons]

once again seeing lewis fans saying he's 'checked out' and 'doesn't care about results anymore' and 'he's put in his two weeks notice' 🙄 idg what people expect him to do or say lol

[floral-hex]

I was debating making a text post all night, but it’s almost 5am and sometimes you just want to yell into the void. And I don’t really expect anyone to read this, so it’s all good.

I finally went through my Instagram earlier today and deleted most of the posts with my ex. Most of them. I kept a few that I thought were okay, like when we went to the Hello Kitty truck (bc Hello Kitty is great) and one where we’re at a coffee shop bc I like coffee and I dunno, I didn’t think it was romantic in nature, just a nice coffee thing. Also, I didn’t delete one from a couple years ago bc I just thought it was a good picture and, I dunno, I’m weak. It fucking sucks. I feel like I just threw away a couple years of my life. This whole chunk, just gone. All these good memories, just gone. It was a lot more painful that I expected. All that potential, all that love, the memories, the adventures, all that time, just washed away. It hurts a lot. It feels like there’s a hole inside of me now. I feel lost. I don’t know where to go or what to do. It’s painful to know it’s so easy to lose memories like that. It’s painful to move on.

It’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. I can’t not be okay. It was a good thing we split. I have to remind myself of that. It’s what she wanted, but it was good for both of us. I’ll still care for her, but I deserve to move on. I lost count of how many times I begged her not to leave. I shouldn’t have done that. In retrospect, it makes me feel weak, that I loved her, and she loved me, but there was definitely more she needed, or at least something different. You shouldn’t have to convince someone to stay. I don’t blame her at all, though. Life is confusing. We talked about marriage and kids a lot, but she had more she needed to experience before settling down and I shouldn’t have tried to keep her, no matter how much we both wish it would have worked out. Still, I can’t wait to just be in a comfortable relationship where I feel safe and unwaveringly wanted. That’s the dream.

I want to hold something precious in my hands and keep it safe.

Blegh. I kind of blacked out and wrote all of that mess. Ugh. What was my point originally? Oh yeah. I deleted a bunch of Instagram photos and it hurt a lot. Goodbye to a big chunk of my life 😕 I learned a lot, I loved a lot, but it still hurts to let it go.

I tried talking to someone new tonight. Not someone from tumblr, just some random person from reddit. I don’t know if it went well or not. I feel so bad at talking to people. I try. I just feel boring. So we messaged a little bit, but we’ll see.

Anyway... I just remember I have snacks, so I’m gonna... go... do that... okay... bye