#tw internalized nbphobia

[butch-bakugo]

SUPPORT NONBINARY GAYS WHO HAVE TO PASS AS BINARY TRANS PEOPLE IN ORDER TO BE RESPECTED IN PUBLIC

SUPPORT NONBINARY LESBIANS WHO HAVE TO PASS AS TRANS MEN, USE DIFFERENT NAMES, PUBLICLY IDENTIFY AS STRAIGHT AND USE HE/HIM PRONOUNS IN ORDER TO BE RESPECTED IN NBPHOBIC PLACES.

SUPPORT NONBINARY GAYS WHO HAVE TO PASS AS TRANS WOMEN, PUBLICLY IDENTIFY AS STRAIGHT, USE DIFFERENT NAMES AND USE SHE/HER PRONOUNS IN ORSER TO BE RESPECTED IN NBPHOBIC PLACES.

SUPPORT LGBT PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO IDENTIFY AS A MORE "PRACTICAL" VERSION OF THEMSELVES PUBLICLY IN ORDER TO BE RESPECTED

[lgbt-teenager-support]

Hi, gender (questioning?) anon here. Thank you so much for your response to my ask, but here I am again. The label “bigender” sounds nice, it really does. Is it okay to feel a little more of one than the other? Also, I’m kind of scared to talk to anyone I know about this, because I know everyone says “it’s 2017 everyone’s accepting” but I still hear people make fun of people who are nonbinary. And I’m afraid I’m just confused, and there’s something telling me I’m just a cis trying to be special.

Of course it’s ok to feel more one gender than the other! Just like bisexuality, you can have any ratio of one to the other, if it’s 99% to 1% or if it’s 50/50, you are valid and you are bigender. It’s also very very valid to be scared of talking about it. 

People who say “it’s 2017 everyone’s accepting,” obviously have no experience with bigotry, because the fact of the matter is, we’re dealing with rampant bigotry, especially under this administration. What happened in Chechnya, at the Pulse night club, at the United Nations today, all examples of how homophobia is alive and well. It’s not ok for people to say that everyone is accepting, because in their little bubble of knowledge and influence, everything is fine and dandy. But they don’t get cursed out of bathrooms because someone mistook them for a boy. They don’t get the f-slur shouted at them from a car because they’re holding hands with their partner. They don’t get their GSA disbanded because their school’s board members are bigots (I’m still salty). Point is, don’t believe them. They don’t know what they’re talking about.

Chances are bud, if you think you’re faking and that you’re actually cis, you’re definitely nonbinary. A cis person wouldn’t even doubt their cis-ness, because they’d be sufficiently comfortable in their gender and nothing would be overwhelmingly telling them that they’re actually gender-queer. There is an overwhelming attempt on society’s behalf telling you that you’re actually just faking to be special. The world wants you to be cookie cutter, and you aren’t. That’s why it’s uncomfortable. You’re always going to think, “but what if I could fit this edge into the mold by moving this way. If I can do that I must be faking being so uncomfortable.” But you’re not going to fit inside of it. Be proud of that! You’re unique, and special, and so very valid! I’ll even let you in on a secret: literally every single LGBTQ+ person has wondered if they’re just faking at some point. Every one. Its so impressed upon us that being LGBTQ is ‘other’ and weird and overtly dirty and sexual that when we realize we’re LGBTQ, we doubt it at first because “no… being gay is something other people are. It’s dirty and sinful and embarrassing and I’m totally straight.” It’s not other or dirty or overtly sexual or sinful, neither is any other Q identity. It’s yours and it’s something to be proud of. You’re not faking, I promise.

Don’t let people pick on you because their worldview is limited to a fifth grade understanding of biology.

-Mod Charlie

[gray-ace-space]

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for some reason tumblr won't let me add new links to this, so the tags added recently are not clickable, sorry.

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content warnings - blacklist as needed

tw aphobia - aphobia directly present and sometimes quite intense

tw grayphobia - same principle

tw transphobia

tw nbphobia

tw terfs

tw homophobia

tw biphobia

tw intersexism / tw perisexism

tw misogyny

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long post

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[butch-bakugo]

*sigh*

Ngl, i think i might just start living irl as a straight trans guy but living closetedly as a nb butch. No label feels completely set and i dont feel as deep as a connection other than lesbian. Its a very big and important part of me. It describes me perfectly and i truely connect with the nb butches of the ol'days. I wish it was more accepted to just identify lesbian as my gender too. It takes up most of my identity.

Ive been running and running through labels left and right. Trans man, genderfluid, non-binary, agender, demi-boy, demi-gender, demi-fluid, demi-flux, demi-fluidflux, libra-fluid, libra-fluxid... I... Im so damn tired.

I know im not a boy or a girl. I know i mostly feel no gender but occationally i fluctuate to boy or girl or a mix or something entirely different. I know i only feel comfortable and have the desire of being in relationships with girls and fellow non-binary people. By definition im a genderfluid lesbian. But...

Then i read all this crap about how i dont exist. How i ruin lesbianism with my existance. How thats not how it works... Then i see how much easier binary people have it. The world is built for you. Labels are set in stone. Its easier. Its 2.

I would kill to just be cis or a binary trans guy. Itd be so much fucking easier to figure myself out. I know i wanna go on T. I know i want top surgery but not bottom surgery. I know i want to eventually even grow a beard at some point. I know my natural chest and higher voice make me dysphoric. I guess even deeper being that id like to be feminine. I like make up, painted nails and pretty dresses. I like pink and soft things but... I dont like to be thought of as a girl because it makes me feel like they dont understand that im not one.

It feels like another person is misgendering me. Another fucking mispronoun. Another fucking she, another fucking her another fucking daughter and sister and miss and ma'am! IM NOT A FUCKING GIRL STOP CALLING ME THAT!!! But i cant say that... Cause then im just another " cringe sp*cial s**wfl*ke tumblr sjw"... Cause then im just " another delusional kid".... Then im just another annoying angry trans person, just like the stupid fucking transmeds and transphobes want me to be....

But then it all just fucking falls apart when.i realize no matter what i am, lesbian cis girl or straight trans guy or nb butch aroace or wtf.... Im still probably gonna end up another fucking statistic that no one ever fucking reads. Im just gonna be a faceless name on a list of all the trans teens lost to transphobic homicides in 2020. If suicide dosent take me first... The gods know it has tried so many times before.

I want my death to mean something. I want to be prolific face for non-binary lesbianism. I want to be a good example to all the kids just like me that it can work out in the end and they will be ok but i cant... I cant say it will. Discovering that i was trans and gay has been simultaneously the most freeing and happiest as well as the most restricting and worst parts of my life. I know now that i wasnt given a chance. I still dont have one. I grew up in an abusive household, i was abused and raped by my first girlfriend, i was bullied all 12 years of school, im trans, im a lesbian, im severely mentally ill, im mentally disabled and i dont know how much more i can keep pushing. Im terrified and angry. Im scared how much more fucking horrible my life could get considering all its truely done is gotten progressively worse and worse... Im mad cause i believe i have an actual talent and i truely have the passion to achieve my dreams but i know they'll be taken from me due to cards ive carried from birth that i can never change or redraw.

I was born a nothing and ill die a nothing all because i just wanna be who i always was... I tried to live as some peppy pretty cishet girl without a care in the damn world but it was killing me. Im trying to live more honestly to myself as a nb aroace butch but even i know it will kill me. No matter what choice i make it always leads to death. Im either killing myself because i cant stand another day a pregnant skinny cishet girl with a husband and 2 kids and ill be remembered as a traitor and whore and liar.. Or ill be killed in the street because some nazi straight guy beat me to death for holding my gfs hand and ill be hidden from any news coverage, buried in a pretty white dress under a name that was given to me but never mine with my poor gf locked out on the street.

No matter what im gonna be forgotten and it kills me knowing all the suffering ive experienced in my life, every tear and cut and thought and drop of blood will be gone and labeled again as unimportant. Just like ive always been. Just like ill aways be. Alone and suffering, as good as dead.

I want to clarify if you've read this far, im not in danger of ending my life or hurting others. Im in horrid state and im not healthy but i will eh... Probably be ok soon. I ask any rando terf or transmed or mogai passing this post about to comment about my afabhood or discourseing my beliefs or suggesting another fucking label, just this once, leave nothing in your wake. No likes or reblogs or replies. I dont care about your philosophys and rhetorics and you arent helping me. Your in fact making an already volatile person even more unstable and more of danger to themselves and i know that if i had been the straw that broke the camels back and caused someone to self harm then i would feel horrible. Dont talk and keep scrolling. Thank you.

Also no, do not reblog this. Replies are ok ig but i dont know why anyone would like a post that is essentially a mental break down in text form. Idrc anymore tbh