#tove wouldn't have wanted this :(

[ickie]

ICKIE'S MAY '24 BLURB WEEKEND !

pairing: lando norris x reader song: talking body - tove lo summary: jealous!lando & what he does to make you realize that maybe you are his. warnings: 18+, talks of sex n alcohol consumption ! nothing super dramatic <3 notes: requested for my blurb weekend ! kinda strayed away from the request but ... hey it is what it isssss ! wanna join in on my blurb weekend !? click/tap here to learn more !

when will smith said 'party in the city where the heat is on' he really wasn't lying. the humidity combined with the body heat inside of the club had your hair frizzing, as well as your thighs sticking uncomfortably together as you walked aimlessly bumping into people that clearly weren't paying attention to their surroundings.

lips wrapped around the straw to your drink - a paloma - your eyes scanned the crowd, looking for a familliar face. well, most of the faces you were seeing were familiar ones, but there was someone in particular that you were looking for.

if you had asked any of the drivers, they'd gladly divulge in the gossip that is yours and lando's relationship. you two weren't together - far from it, actually... the two of you were constantly at each others necks, always finding something to argue about. but, on nights where it seemed everyone was keen on going out and partying, the two of you were attatched at the hip, almost exclusively leaving with each other. but then the two of you would be back at your usual antics. it was confusing, but it was definitely something that kept everyone entertained.

your arm reached out, letting out a laugh as you almost fell. "i'm so sorry!" you smiled up at the stranger before steadying yourself. you didn't know this man, he was probably one of the many influencers or the uber rich and famous that always seemed to show up to the miami grand prix.

"totally my bad," he flashed a smile. he was american - definitely not any of the people that you knew. "let me make it up for you with a dance?" before you could really think about it, you were on the dance floor, his hands over your hips as the two of you swayed to the beat of the song that was blasting through the club speakers.

feeling a pair of eyes searing into you, you looked up and locked eyes with a familiar pair of green eyes. lando was staring you down, a heat laced in his eyes as he looked you and the male over, which only egged you on as a smirk graced your features. you began to lay it on with the male, maybe a little too heavy. his hands were feeling up your body, your hands over his seemingly showing him where you wanted them.

your antics continued until the song ended, walking away from the male before he could try anything else. you eyed lando, batting your eyelashes at him as you finally walked up to him. "what? are you jealous?" you mused, head tilted to the side.

"no." his answer was simple, his teeth biting at his bottom lip as his eyes shamelessly looked you up and down. "i know that the only person here that is good enough to make you leave with them is me. i don't have any reason to be jealous." the brit smileed smugly, taking a sip from his glass.

"i wouldn't be so sure about that... mister american over there definitely had some game... maybe i was making a mistake by trying with europeans..?" you took his glass from his hand, finishing off his drink. "come dance with me?"

there was something about lando's hands on you, feeling you up, that could always get you going. especially when he was seemingly feeling possesive over you - which was new. but it was different when he began to whisper into your ear, musing about the things that he wished he could be doing to you.

"this dress is so tiny... all it would take is me hiking it up to be able to fuck you right here. is that why you wore it?"

"bet you don't even have any panties on, you're such a slut for me, aren't you?"

"trying to make me jealous? it worked didn't it?"

your breath hitched when his lips met your neck, before he spun you around so you were facing him his hands resting on your ass. "we're leaving, yeah? i believe i have a win to celebrate, and if there's anyone i want to celebrate it with... it's you." he whispered into your ear before grabbing at your wrist and tugging you with him.

who were you to tell him no?

[jjkilll]

-—--—-—-✫ 4ME 4ME | JJK ✫-—-——-—

— pairing | bestfriend jk x y/n | friends to lovers

— summary | jungkook involuntarily signs you up to be his wing-woman at an upcoming party, and you're saying all the wrong things.

—  warning | smut, choking, spit, cum, cum-eating? fingering kinda, unprotected sex (please for the love of god, use a rubber), drinking, ass slapping (like once), and dirty talk? really explicit (i feel idk)

— word count | 2.5K

— song | 4Me 4Me - Malcolm Todd

Jungkook never drank or smoked too much at these parties, he had to ensure you and him made it back safe every time you went out. So, this night you were especially drunk and high, the music was loud, and dancing, and drinking games had you so preoccupied you forgot truly why you were here. Which was your plan exactly.

You and Jungkook grew up together, your mothers were best friends and you two did everything together. Christmas, Halloween, New Year, Easter, you name it, you and Jungkook matched somehow. You also developed a crush on Jungkook the summer you turned 13. It was weird, you found his cute instead of gross. You always wanted him around, you made sure it was that way. You used to tell girls who thought Jungkook was all the weird shit he'd do.

"He snores... loudly."

"He chews with his mouth open."

"His farts are deadly... you wouldn't last two minutes."

It wasn't until you're mom overheard you once and asked why you say those (very true) just personal things about him. You told your mom you might have a crush on him and she warned you to prioritize your friendship and follow your heart.

Except following your heart led you into being a wing-woman for the man you were in love with. Not fun. Jungkook walked up to you as you danced. "What? Can it wait until this song is over?" You shouted over the loud Tove Lo blasting from the speakers. "No. I need to talk to you." He protested grabbing your hand and pulling you out of the crowd. "Y-you are a party pooper, what couldn't wait until a-after my song?" you stutter drunkenly. "My god, you smelled like vodka," Jungkook says handing you some water. "I don't need that shit Jungkook, I'm having fun." You pout, he rolls his eyes dragging you away and sneaking into you the library of the home.

"Holy shit it's fire in here. Wait, Whose house is this even?" You laugh at yourself nearly falling to the ground. "Can you pull it together, please? Jesus Christ. Taehyung said you were drunk but I didn't realize you were this drunk."

"Is that why you had him follow me around? Why were you keeping tabs on me?" You ask standing as your laughing fit wears off. "To make sure you don't tell any more girls that I snore." You went quiet unsure of what to say and you felt your tummy turn. "What do you mean?" you asked acting clueless, sobering yourself up.

"Don't ask stupid with me, Y/n. Stella told me you told her that I snore and I always put my batteries in upside down. The shit is just really hard to read, okay?" You swallow.

Jungkook is a handsome man, anyone could see that, he was sweet and caring and truly the only reason chicks weren't all over him was you. They never liked the closeness and when they got over your relationship with Jungkook, it felt like you were losing him. He was the most important person in your world. You've never known a good time without him. So you started being weird and telling little shit about him that would turn them off sooner than later, giving them a chance to accept it.

Truth was you loved his snoring, it was like weird white noise for you. When he put his batteries in wrong he'd always ask you. So the thought of him eventually asking someone else hurt you more than it should have.

You sit on the long L-shaped sofa that takes up the right wall.

You look up noticing the skylight "I'm sorry I just can't do this." You say. Quickly Jungkook sits beside you, "What's going on with you, Y/n? You've been asking weirdly since I asked you about the whole wing-woman thing. You could've told me no, I would've never made you do it." He says.

"No, I'm sorry for what I'm about to say. I said all those things. I did. I don't feel bad though. It's selfish I know but I want to be with you. You make me crazy, and if I hadn't listened to my mother when I was thirteen I wouldn't even have known this pain. I can't sit back while you fall for someone that's not me, because I fell for you years ago. Seeing you with other girls hurt me to no end. When they hurt you I felt a rage that I couldn't even express because all I know is I would give you every ounce of my love if it killed me." You breathed deeply realizing you had begun the cry. He hasn't looked at you, you realized that too.

"and you- you can't even look at me. You don't look at me, I can't even understand that, Jungkook. So I'm sorry I hurt you because never want to hurt you, but I'm not sorry for not wanting to lose my best friend."

For the first time in a long time, Jungkook looked at you as you sobbed in front of him. "I just wanted some of you before you choose someone whose not me." Your tears blurred your vision.

"Y/n...Why didn't you say anything to me?" He asks wiping the tears from your face. "Because what good was it going to do, you don't even see me that way. I want to do things that friends don't do." You spoke slowly sniffling through your tears. "Like this?" He says grabbing your chin and placing a soft kiss on your lips. You nod eyes wide and lips unsure of what to say next.

You kiss him desperately. Hungryily, his hands find your waist pulling you on top of him. "I used to jerk off to you." He says breathily breaking the kiss."What?" you chuckle.

"It was your 13th birthday and you had on this pink bikini and I instantly got a boner. So when I told you I needed to sleep for a bit I went upstairs and jerked off the thought of you in the bathroom." You look at him a little shocked. He scans your body.

"13-year-old me would have never ever believed this." He spoke grabbing at your waist. You kiss him lightly, "I only asked you to do the wing-woman thing, because I was hoping you'd find someone just like you." He kisses you deeply. Your lips part, still close enough he whispers, "So I could stop dreaming about you." You kiss him roughly, nibbling at his bottom lip. "You can have me... all of me." You slip the straps of your dress down revealing your tits. "No more dreaming." You whisper.

"Fuck, you're going to be the death of me." He kisses down your neck, kissing your nipple before he swirls his tongue around your erection bud. You gasp. He looks up at you and you leak. His eyes are lustful, no, hungry. He craves you.

"Please." You whimper. "Whatever you want, baby. I'll give you whatever you want." He growls hungrily. You lift his face and kiss him. "Fuck me." You whisper against his ear. He groans at your lewdness. "That mouth is gonna be the death of me." He speaks before leaving a hickey on your neck. "Wait til it's wrapped around your cock." You say breathlessly. He moans, "Fuck." He quickly hikes up your dress pulling it over your head. "You are so pretty, gonna ruin your little body." He says before slapping your left ass cheek and squeezing it. You whimper at the sting from his slap.

He slips his hand in your panties running his fingers over your slit. "You're so wet for me, baby." He says looking at his fingers covered in your slick. He puts his fingers to his lips before he sucks them. "mm taste so fucking good." He groans. "Wanna taste?" He teases. "Kook please." You grind against him whining. He kisses you deeply. "Shh, I got you baby."

You lean back undoing his belt and pants, shuffling them down. You stop before pulling down his boxers. Jungkook looks at you. "What's wrong?" He asks. "Nothing I... I just wanted this for so long." You admit. "You don't have to wait anymore, baby. I'm all yours." If your panties weren't soaked before they're drenched now. You peck his lips before stroking him through the thin fabric of his boxers. "Fuck." He huffs, watching your ever move.

He assumed Jungkook had a big dick, you heard the girls he'd bring home beg him to fuck them harder. But his dick, his dick was thick and long. You weren't sure he'd fit. You pull his boxers down watching his cock spring free. You hadn't seen a lot of dicks before but, Jungkook's dick was the prettiest you'd ever seen. His pretty pink tip leaked pre-cum.

"You're so big." You mumble. You gather spit in your mouth before letting it drip onto his cock. "My fucking god." He whispers. You stroke him slowly. You feel your pussy pulse, the thought of his cock stretching you out made you feral. Before you can even realize Jungkook flips you over so you're underneath him. He quickly pulls down your panties. Your pussy on full display. "My god, even your pussy is pretty." You whine bucking your hips up. "I'm sorry baby, I'll stop teasing."

He rubs the tip of his cock between your fold, and you moan as he rubs against your clit. He slowly sinks into you and you shiver. You moan clenching around him. "Fuck Jungkook my god," you scream. He bottoms out, filling you up nicely. You think you could come before he even moves. He pulls out before thrusting back into you at a moderate pace. He grunts fucking into you. "This is the best pussy ever. S-so fucking tight."

You claw at his back, "Choke me, Daddy." You whine. Jungkook throbs at the nickname you've given him. His hand wraps around your throat as he fucks into you harder hitting the spot that makes you see stars. You mumble out a string of unintelligible words as the knot in your tummy loosens. "Like when I fuck you like this, hm? When I choke you?" You don't respond too lost in the pleasure. You moan and whimper, "Awe, too fucked out you can't even answer me. Tightly little pussy." He spits on your clit rubbing circles on your clit.

"Fuck! Fuck! Daddy, I'm coming. Just like that, please just like that." He fucks into you at the same pace. "Cum on my cock baby, that's it." You fall apart moaning almost pornographic like. "You sound so pretty cumming for daddy." Your eyes roll back as he fucks you through your orgasm.

"Oh my god, it's too much." You say coming down from your high, still sensitive from your first orgasm. "I'm so fucking close. Where?" He asks quickly. "Inside, cum inside of me." Just like that Jungkook paints your walls with his cum. He moans emptying himself inside of you.

He pulls out slowly watching his cum drip out of you. "Jesus." He breathes out flopping beside you. You gather some of his cum on your fingers and lick them clean. "Mm, yummy." You say with a chuckle. "You are so fucking dirty, I'm jealous of all the guys you fucked before me." You laugh. "Well luckily," You start sitting up, "You get to have me forever." You say with a smile. "That's only if you want." You add, not wanting to add any pressure to your newfound relationship. "Fuck yeah, I want you!" He says looking at you as if you'd just grown three heads. "We can get married tonight, If you want an Elvis or MJ, I'm fine with whatever." He jokes as you laugh climbing on his lap. He grabs your waist pulling you in for a small kiss. "Will you um..." He looks you in the eyes.

"What?" you ask. He looks a little nervous. "I'm still me Jungkook. I'll always be your best friend." He smiles. "I know, that's why I want to do this right. I was thinking maybe... I could take you out." He breathes out. You kiss his nose, "I would love to, Where to?" You ask cutely. "I was thinking somewhere downtown?" He asked. "What!? No, Kook, that's too expensive. You don't have to-" He stops you. "No, when have we ever gone out to a nice dinner, just us?" You hum. "See. So, I'm taking my pretty girl out." You smile. "Say it again." You say.

"Say what?" He asks tucking one of your loose curls behind your ear. "I'm yours." You speak simply. "My beautiful girl. All mine."

You look up, the ceiling is glass and you can see the moon. Big and bright it shone through. "Look." He tilts his head back. "Wow, that's beautiful." He looks back at you.

"Y/n?" You hum looking back down at him. "I'm sorry I kept you waiting." You kiss him. "I love you." He admits.

"I love you more." You say with a smile. "I'll love you forever." He says. "Also I love when you call me Daddy. That shit is really hot." You hit his chest before standing up. "Let's go, Taehyung is probably on the roof looking for you." He laughs.

You fix your dress and walk over to Jungkook, brushing the wrinkles out of his shirt. "You look good in this. I meant to tell you earlier." You say looking at his outfit. "Thank you, baby." He says with a smile. You grab his hand walking to the door. "You're welcome, Daddy." He turns pulling you close to him. "Maybe we should stay in here a little longer. Round 2?" You laugh pushing him away. "Come on, Kook."

You rejoin the party and run into Taehyung in the hall. "Where were you?" He asks drunkenly. "Uhh..." Jungkook stalls looking at you. "The library. Cool ceiling, you should check it out." You say, "Oh! Where's the bathroom." Looking to Jungkook as he points to the door down the hall. You let go of his hand going into the bathroom.

Taehyung looks to Jungkook, after watching you walk away. "You two slept together." He states, already sure of the truth. "What?!" Jungkook almost screams. "The hand-holding, s-she finally doesn't look annoyed with y-you, and the fa-act that you have that stupid grin on your f-face." He slurs. "No-" Taehyung puts his hand in his face before he can continue. "Shut it. Y-you can't lie to me. Now i owe Jimin $100."

"You bet on if me and Y/n would have sex?" Jungkook asked shocked. "Duh, I said it would happen next week. Fuck Jimin and his g-good timing." He says before walking away.

You walk out of the bathroom and find Jungkook standing in awe. "What?" you ask. "They bet on if we'd have sex." You laughed throwing your head back. "Doesn't shock me. I bet that you'd sleep with Jackie next door. I got $200 that day." You reminisce. "You're terrible." He jokes. "But you love me." you say walking away.

"That I do, baby."

✫ -----------------------✫

a/n: I saw Malcolm Todd is April and I'm just missing him so this is a random song I'm sorry, not sorry. Please enjoy, liking, reposting and requests are so very greatly appreciated.

[smokeys-house]

Normally I wouldn't address something this trivial but it's a take I keep seeing pop up in the moomin fandom by non moomin fans and it's annoying me. I don't even ship snufmin but periodic reminder that

1. Snufkin and moomin are around the same age. This confusion pops up a lot since the English VA for the 90s series is John Chancer and moomintroll's VA sounds like a child, but no explicit ages are ever given to any of the characters for the intention of whimsy and easy of story telling. This is intentional. The gap between their ages has always been that the children are younger than the "adult" characters, and old enough for whatever adventure is planned for them, and that Moomintroll and snufkin are close enough in age to share a room. Any idea that one is older than the other at all would be speculative at best and fanon at worst.

2. Snufkin is not a human, and a relationship between two fantasy species does not at all mirror the very real crime of animal abuse (I can't believe I have to say that, did you people have a problem with beauty and the beast, too? Lmao)

3. Snufkin was made to resemble or mirror Tove's at the time partner Atos Wirtanen, and Moomintroll represented herself at the time as well. She's said as much in interviews. While this doesn't mean "O: snufmin canon!" It also means you cannot discredit the fact that their dynamic was predicated on an existing romantic relationship.

4. Whether you ship it or not or even find the ship annoying, you can't discredit facts. You're allowed to just not like something. But I'd also remind you that nobody wants to hear about how much you hate what they like. Live and let live, there is 0 harm occurring in either circumstance regarding this situation. It is simply not that serious

5. This is specifically addressed to the person who annoyed me who I blocked but the English translations really do not lose or gain much compared to the original versions. The stories don't change just because it's in another language. I'm sorry you hate that a beloved series of stories was adapted to animation and translated so that the world could love these stories, too, but part of cherishing something is not squeezing it so tight that you crush it. You simply must face that people are going to enjoy things differently to you. It is not blasphemy. The moomins are not some sacred holy text, you can literally buy chewing gum with moomins face on it lmao

Like I said I don't really ship it. I don't see it. But it's not something I'm going to bother others about and dwell on. It's not out of character. There's no real reason for you to bash so hard on it outside of just generally disliking it. There's not a moral high ground to take with it, unless you just hate gay people I guess lol I get that the infatuation with snufmin and the way some folks strip them down to barebones just to have an mlm ship can suck, but that's literally all fan content. Any fandom has this. Relaaaaxxxxx

[blossoms-phan]

☆⋆｡𖦹°‧★ tit vibes ☆⋆｡𖦹°‧★

a playlist by me!

notes under cut ⋆˙⟡

von dutch - charli xcx

got me started - troye sivan

red wine supernova - chappell roan

happiness - the 1975

next semester - twenty one pilots

365 - charli xcx

too sweet - hozier

late night talking - harry styles

the boy is mine - ariana grande

this is why - paramore

boy's a liar pt. 2 - pinkpantheress, ice spice

guess ft. billie eilish - charli xcx

rush - troye sivan

HOT TO GO! - chappell roan

lovegame - lady gaga

for my hand ft. ed sheeran - burna boy

heat - tove lo

yes i'm changing - tame impala

end of an era - dua lipa

bliss - muse

not like us - kendrick lamar (unlikely but this has fucked so hard in every crowd this summer dan would for the drama and personally i think this would be really funny in toronto i have no loyalty to drake fuck that dude)

lunch - billie eilish

murder on the dancefloor - sophie ellis-bextor

-this will be typed out not a spotify link bc i don't want to share my profile lol but feel free to add to your own playlists⋆˙⟡

-i referenced the playlists from all previous tours for this and they're mostly a mix of things that are a little bit of them, a little bit of what's currently popular/culturally relevant and a little of what they know the audience will like! i have a separate dnp playlist that includes tunes that are a little more sappy/hard hitting but i wouldn't include on here bc they don't exactly match the vibes, we're gonna be jamming out in those theatres trust 🫡

-no kpop ik it’s a likely addition but I don’t know anything about it oops sorry

-i'm on the fence about whether to include an mcr song cause both tatinof and ii had welcome to the black parade, wad had famous last words - i do think it would be kind of full circle to have wttbp again so we'll leave it at a maybe! as for the rest i could include like every song off brat or chappell roan songs but those are my personal choices/little taste of a mix without it getting too long <3

[bucksdaddykink]

୨♡୧ TOMMY BUBBLES BUCK LOAFS TOMMY ୨♡୧

a playlist that narratively leads up to the breakup, and follows buck and tommy through the loss and yearning, leading to a possible reconciliation. a playlist for the romcom nature of their love, marked with their povs and featuring as many queer artists as i could fit! (tracklist and povs under readmore)

Forrest Gump - Frank Ocean (T) "I know you wouldn't hurt a beetle, but you're so buff and so strong. I'm nervous, Forrest"

Feelings - Hayley Kiyoko (B) "I just complicate it when I say too much"

Gunshot - Lykke Li (T) "Gunshot, I can't take it back. My heart cracked really loved you bad"

Apartment - Young the Giant (T) "You carved a boat to sail my shadow, now I walk alone"

Easily - Bruno Major (B) "Don't you tell me that it wasn't meant to be. Call it quits, call it destiny. Just because it won't come easily doesn't mean we shouldn't try"

Say My Name (cover) - Hozier (B) "You ain't callin' me baby, why the sudden change? Say my name, say my name"

Voices in the Halls - Neon Trees (BT) "And you really got your hooks on me maybe that's the punishment for love. I still stay up late at night trying to hear your voices in the halls"

Loverboy - Joesef (B) "But I'm pretending I got this under control, like you don't still have a part of my soul"

BOY - Charlie Puth (B) "After you loved me so good how are you gonna tell me you don't wanna stay...Baby, how dare you treat me just like a boy"

Look What You're Doing To Me - BANKS (B) "You said none left when I gave you hope. I light up when you come home, if you leave you'll be sorry"

You and I - LÉON (B/BT) "Oh, you say, say you still want it, that you're done with being lonely now...Done my best to stay away but I think I'm going crazy"

Mimi's Delivery Service - Good Kid (B) "You're drawn across the sky. Now that ink has dried, and I can't tell you why. Oh, Mimi, can you tell me there's an issue? I've seen it clouded all around you"

deep end (alt version) - Lykke Li (B/BT) "I was only gonna touch ya, now I'm in it. I'm in it, swimming in it. Wasn't gonna love you now I'm so fucking deep in it"

Thinkin Bout You - Frank Ocean (B) "Since you think I don't love you, I just thought you were cute that's why I kissed you...how could I forget how you feel? You know you were my first time, a new feel"

Ivy - Frank Ocean (T) "I broke your heart last week you'll probably feel better by the weekend. Still remember, had you going crazy, screamin' my name, the feeling deep down is good"

Raye - John Splithoff (T) "I know this seems overdue, there's so much left I have to say to you. And even if what we had is through, oh, there's so much left I have to say to you"

Hood - Perfume Genius (T) "You would never call me baby if you knew me truly. Oh, but I waited so long for your love"

True Romance - Tove Lo (BT) "I don't like the real world. It's tough out in the real world. Let's go back to our world."

[braveclementine]

Thanos

Warnings: None

Copyright: I do not own any Marvel characters or locations. However, I do own my OC Elizabeth Lightwood. I do not condone any copying of this.

TWO YEARS LATER

"This is the Asgardian refugee vessel Statesman. We are under assault. I repeat, we are under assault. The engines are dead, life support failing. Requesting aid from any vessel within range. We are twenty-two jump points out of Asgard. Our crew is made up of Asgardian families. We have very few soldiers here. This is not a warcraft. I repeat, this is not a warcraft."

Elizabeth didn't know what to do. She was hiding her children behind her, while also trying to hold one of them at the same time.

Halfdan and Astrid were behind her, only eight years old. They both looked so much like their father, though Astrid had straight black hair unlike Halfdan's curly hair. They both even had his blue eyes and Halfdan had the point to his chin and Astrid had his smile.

They were holding the two of the two-year-olds: Tove who was female and also had Loki's blue eyes though Elizabeth's brown hair and Hogun who she had named after her best friend on Asgard and had been Tove, Hogun, and Sages' god-father. And now, he was dead.

The entire ship was on fire and she was crouched down. She had tears in her eyes, looking across the ship to see the brave fighter, Heimdall, laying down on the wreck in pain, bleeding.

"Hear me and rejoice." A new voice said, a voice that belonged to one of the invaders. He walked past Heimdall and Elizabeth clutched Sage harder in her arms, the little two year old girl, her eyes wide open, but she didn't cry. "You have had the privilege of being saved by the Great Titan."

Elizabeth often had trouble holding her tongue, especially when she was passionate about something or someone she loved. But she bit down hard, tasting blood, because now as not the time to get sassy.

"You may think this is suffering. No. It is salvation. Universal scales tip toward balance because of your sacrifice."

There were more of the alien creatures, walking around, over dead bodies. She kept a hand on her sword and she knew her children were behind her, with knives in their hands. They would fight, but they would all die. And she didn't know how to protect them.

Loki was standing in the front, with Thanos in front of him. He was the only one standing, in fact, his back to her.

"For even in death, you have become children of Thanos."

Thanos was standing over Thor now, who was unconscious on the floor. "I know what it's like to lose." He addressed Loki, as the others moved around, stabbing the Asgardians that were still breathing on the floor. Elizabeth tightened her invisibility spell as much as she could like Loki had taught her, but she wouldn't be able to hold it much longer, not for six people, even if five of them were children.

"To feel so desperately that you're right, yet to fail, nonetheless." He bent down, picking up Thor with one hand. Thor choked and moaned in his grasp. Elizabeth could hear Astrid crying quietly. "It's frightening. Turns the legs to jelly. But I ask you, to what end? Dread it, run from it, destiny arrives all the same."

They were pointing a weapon at Loki's head now, all of them surrounding Elizabeth's husband and soulmate. She had to throw an arm out to stop Halfdan from rushing them with his knife, though she wanted to do the same.

"And now, it's here. Or should I say, I am." Elizabeth saw the purple gem that was already in his gauntlet. The first of six infinity stones for him to have.

"You talk to much." Thor grumbled, blood pouring out of his mouth. He'd lost an eye in their fight with Hela, they had lost so much in the fight with Hela. And now, they were losing everything. All of the people. Soon, the Asgardian population might be wiped out of existence completely.

"The Tesseract. Or your brothers and wifes' heads." Thanos said. Elizabeth's breath hitched when Thanos pointed at where Elizabeth was hiding the rest of her family. "I assume you have a preference."

"Oh, I do." Loki said. "Kill away."

Thanos pressed the gem to Thor's head and one of the lackeys immediately approached Elizabeth's corner. She wasn't sure if it was a lucky guess or if her shields were down, but she decided to act.

Thrusting Sage into Astrids' arms, she dropped the spell completely, lunging at the monster in front of her. The two of them immediately started combat, their swords clashing against one another. She was strong, far stronger than anyone Elizabeth had ever fought before, even T'Challa in his vibranium suit or Tony in his titanium one.

"ALL RIGHT, STOP!" Loki shouted.

"We don't have the Tesseract." Elizabeth could just barely hear Thor say as Thanos stopped what he was doing to him over the clashing of their swords. But she couldn't stop her fight with the woman in front of her- if you could even call her a woman. "It was destroyed on Asgard." There was a pause and then, "You really are the worst brother."

"I assure you, brother. . . the sun will shine on us again."

Elizabeth pushed away from the woman, retreating a few steps to come to Loki's side, holding a hand out at her kids so they would stay put.

"Your optimism is misplaced, Asgardian."

Loki immediately retracted the glowing cube in his hand, "Well, for one thing, I'm not Asgardian. And for another. . . we have a Hulk."

Loki tackled Thor out of the way and Elizabeth shielded her kids as Hulk came through, bashing Thanos over and over. Loki came to her immediately, wasting no time in pulling her into a deep, passionate kiss.

"I love you." Loki whispered. "Forever."

"I love you forever." Elizabeth choked out, kissing him again.

Hulk was defeated far to easily for Elizabeth's liking. Thor attacked him when Hulk was down and was immediately captured in metal by the Squidward looking dude.

Elizabeth glanced over and Heimdall met her eyes. He nodded slightly to Hulk and she understood immediately.

"Get to Hulk." She whispered to her children and they went quietly, making their way to the Hulks' side.

"Allfathers." She heard Heimdall start to say. "let the dark magic flow through me one last time."

Elizabeth couldn't look at Heimdall as he started to activate the Bifrost. She met Thor's eye and knew he understood. But Loki was gone, scheming she was sure. She let out a pained cry, wanting to see him one last time. The rainbow light started to envelope her, "LOKI I LOVE YOU." She screamed as loudly as she could, before she was gone.

🎃 :::::  🧡  ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━  🧡  ::::: 🎃

"NO!" Loki heard Thor scream as Heimdall was killed. Loki breathed in, almost shakily. At least his wife and children were safe. And they would be able to alert Midgard of the doom coming to them. His wife and children were safe. That was all that mattered. "You're going to die for that."

Ebony Maw lazily swiped his hand so that the metal clamped over his brothers mouth. He lifted a finger to his mouth, "Shh."

"My humble personage." Ebony presented the Tesseract to him. He knelt, "bows before your grandeur." Loki watched as Thanos took off his armor. "No other being has ever had the might nay, the nobility to wield not one, but two Infinity Stones." Thanos plucked the glowing cube from Ebony Maw's hand.

"The universe lies within your grasp."

He crushed the cube in hand, blowing on it gently like it was hot, before lifting the blue stone between his fingers, glass tinkling to the ground. He placed it beside the purple one, a blast of blue energy going through the ship.

"There are two more stones on Earth. Find them, my children, and bring them to me on Titan."

"Father, we will not fail you." The womanly one said, as all of them bowed.

"If I might interject." Loki said quickly. "If you're going to Earth, you might want a guide. I do have a bit of experience in that area." He said with a smile, hoping this was all going to work. He was the master of lies and manipulation, but he had never done them on a Titan as powerful as this one. Nay, a Titan as powerful as this one that had controlled him.

"If you consider failure experience." Thanos said slowly.

"I consider experience, experience." Loki retorted. "Almighty Thanos, I, Loki, Prince of Asgard. . . Odinson. . ." He looked over at Thor, hoping he knew what he was doing, "the rightful kind of Jotunheim, god of mischief," He let the dagger form in his hand behind his back, "do hereby pledge to you, my undying fidelity."

He knelt, as though bowing, before thrusting upwards, his knife aimed for the throat. But blue energy stopped him, just inches away. Thanos didn't even look fazed.

"Undying?" Thanos questioned as he grabbed Loki's wrist, the blue fading as he lowered the stone, "You should choose your words more carefully." He twisted Loki's wrist so that he had to drop the weapon, before lifting him up by his throat.

It was a different sort of pain from dying before. Or coming close to death anyways. The air was gone completely from his lungs and he could already feel a sort of pressure against his forehead. And on top of that, he could suddenly feel Elizabeth's screaming pain through their bond. That she knew he was dying. And it was hurting her.

"You. . ." He choked out, kicking his legs a little. He struggled to get free, but he could not. "Will never be. . . a God."

And then Thanos snapped his neck.

🎃 :::::  🧡  ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━  🧡  ::::: 🎃

"Seriously, you don't have any money?" Stephen asked, dressing in a T-shirt and jeans as he and Sam walked down one side of the grand staircase, hand in hand. He was talking to Wong, a fellow sorcerer, as he walked down on the other side.

"Attachment to the material is detachment from the spiritual." Wong responded.

"I'll tell the guys at the deli." Stephen chuckled, "Maybe they'll make you a metaphysical ham on rye."

"Oh. Wait, wait, wait. I think I have two hundred."

"Dollars?" Stephen asked while Sam chuckled, used to the banter now between the two wizards.

"Rupees."

"Which is?"

"Uh, buck and a half."

Stephen sighed, "What do you want?"

"I wouldn't say no to a tuna melt."

Suddenly, they heard a huge crash behind them. They all covered their heads with their hands and then turned around. Stephen's cloak came around and Sam saw the Bifrost light not unlike that of which Thor and Elizabeth often had used to travel to and from Earth, but hadn't been seen in almost two years.

They all raced up the staircase, Wong already firing up his orange shields.

Sam looked down to see Elizabeth on her face and Bruce on his back, turning from green to normal. There were also two kids who looked like they could be anywhere between seven and ten, along with three babies.

"Thanos is coming." Bruce gasped.

"Bruce! Elizabeth!" Sam shouted, dropping down into the hole with them. He quickly checked that the babies were all breathing.

"He's coming." Bruce said again.

"Who?" Stephen asked.

"Elizabeth?" Sam asked, rolling her over now that he knew the kids were alright.

She rolled over and he saw that her face was tear stained and blotchy. "Sam." She sobbed.

"Hey, whoa, it's okay." He said, pulling her into a hug. "Elizabeth, whose Thanos? And why is he coming here?"

But she couldn't answer, to distraught. He looked over at the oldest boy. "What happened?"

"Sam, let's get them out of the hole." Stephen commanded. Sam quickly handed the babies up to Stephen and Wong and then helped Elizabeth out. Bruce got out himself and then Sam.

"Thanos attacked our ship." The boy, who said his name was Halfdan said. He was trembling, looking like he wanted to cry. He clutched a little girl in his arms. The elder girl hugged Elizabeth tightly as both of them cried. "He killed everyone, except us, Uncle Thor, dad, and Heimdall. Heimdall got us to safety but. . ." Halfdan rubbed his eyes. "Mom has been crying and. . . she screamed as we were falling. I think our dad. . ."

"It's okay kid." Sam said gently.

"And he's coming here, the man who did this?" Wong asked sharply.

The boy nodded.

"Okay."

"I'm going to kill him." Elizabeth said, staggering to her feet suddenly. "I'm going to kill Thanos."

Sam wrapped his arms around her, "Elizabeth wait. Just wait. You have your kids, we need to get them to safety first."

"They're safe here, aren't they?" Elizabeth hiccupped, but sank down on the steps, burying her face in her hands.

Stephen looked over at Sam, "Is there anyone on Earth?"

"Y/N, Tony Stark, Steve Rogers, definitely Bucky Barnes. But the only ones I know you can get into contact with are Y/N and Tony."

"I can portal her straight to the Compound." Stephen nodded. "Um, Elizabeth?"

Elizabeth looked at him, wiping her eyes. "Y-Yeah?"

"Is it okay if you take the kids to the Avengers Compound? Y/N Stark is there with her children and Tony should be there as well. Rhodey too."

"Um sure." She whispered, standing up.

"Alright." Stephen said, creating a portal onto the grounds of the Avengers Compound. Elizabeth picked up a child and left through the portal.

"Hey," Sam said suddenly. "I'm going to go with them. If there really is a fight here, Tony has the phone to call Steve and the others that are on the run. If I can get to the phone sooner-"

"Okay." Stephen said, pulling Sam into a kiss. "I love you."

"I'm staying with you guys." Bruce wiped his own eyes and Sam looked at him. "Thor. . . Thor is gone too, I think."

Sam squeezed Bruce's shoulder. "I'm sorry."

He nodded, "I'll. . . we'll kill this fucker."

Sam nodded and then hurried into the portal after her.

🎃 :::::  🧡  ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━  🧡  ::::: 🎃

Tony had gone on a run with Everleigh that morning. Y/N of course, had to stay on the Compound with their newly born son Arlo.

"How about we go and get some ice-cream, now that we've finished our run, huh?" Tony asked his nine-year old daughter, panting a little. "You know we have our favorite ice-cream spot down around the corner."

"Then it's just around the corner, not down around the corner." Everly laughed.

"Very true lovebug." Tony chuckled.

Suddenly, he heard a very loud, professional voice ask, "Tony Stark."

He started, turning and Everleigh stopped by his side. "I'm Doctor Stephen Strange." He saw a man wearing blue robes with a red cape standing there. A portal- he assumed that's what it was- was behind him. He could see a broken staircase behind him as well, "I need you to come with me." Tony just stared and Everleigh grabbed his hand, "Oh and uh, congratulations on the new baby, by the way."

"I'm sorry," Tony responded quickly. "I thought Stephen Strange was Sam's doctor soulmate, not. . . whatever you are."

"We need your help." The man didn't respond. "Look it's not overselling it to say that the fate of the universe is at stake."

"And who's we?" Tony demanded. He then turned shocked when Bruce came to stand next to the wizard person.

"Hey, Tony."

"Bruce." Tony said, voice laced with surprise. Bruce came to stand in front of him, shaking his head. Tony could see his eyes were laced a little red and he asked, "You okay?" And then Bruce hugged him tightly.

Once he had settled down a little, wiping his eye with his thumb, Tony knelt near Everleigh, "You know how to get home to mommy, right?"

"Yes Daddy." Everleigh said solemnly.

"Good." Tony said firmly. "Then you run as fast as you can to her, understand?"

Everleigh nodded.

"I can portal her to the compound." The man said, opening a second portal which showed the Compound. Tony could already see Y/N far in the distance, talking to another woman.

"That's Elizabeth." Bruce explained, "Her and her kids. Long story short but Loki's dead. All the Asgardians are dead."

"Go." Tony said to Everleigh, who scampered through the portal and ran towards her mother. Then he followed the wizard and Bruce back inside.

He sat on a couch in what was known as the New York Sanctorum, watching another sorcerer show off some astral projections and tell a story about the infinity stones.

"At the dawn of the universe, there was nothing. Then, Boom. The Big Bang sent six elemental crystals, hurtling across the virgin universe."

There were so many corrections Tony wanted to make in the speech, but he kept quiet.

"These infinity stones each control an essential aspect of existence."

Each one was highlighted as they named it.

Blue.

"Space." Strange said.

Red.

"Reality."

Purple.

"Power."

Orange.

"Soul."

Yellow.

"Mind."

The one inside of Vision, Tony made note.

"And time." Strange said, looking down at the necklace thing he was wearing, opening it up to reveal the green stone that was inside of it.

"Tell me his name again." Tony demanded. He hated seeing Bruce so broken like this.

"Thanos." Bruce said. "He's a plague, Tony. He invades planets. He takes what he wants. He wipes out half the population. He sent Loki, brainwashed him. The attack on New York, that was him."

"This is it." Tony whispered. "What's our timeline?"

"No telling. He has the Power and the Space Stone." Bruce said. "That already makes him the strongest creature in the whole universe. If he get his hands on all six stones, Tony. . ."

"He could destroy life on a scale hitherto undreamt of." Stephen finished.

Tony stretched against the banister, "Did you seriously just say 'hitherto undreamt of'?" He asked.

"Are you seriously leaning on the Cauldron of the Cosmos?" Stephen retorted.

"Is that what that is?" Tony asked, letting go quickly as he felt something like fabric hit him. He gave Stephen a look and then said, "I'm going to allow that."

"If Thanos needs all six, why don't we just stick this one down the garbage disposal?"

"No can do."

"We swore an oath to protect the Time Stone with our lives." Wong replied.

"And I swore off dairy but then Ben & Jerry's named a flavor after me." Tony retorted. "So-"

"Stark Raving Hazelnuts." Stephen said in what almost sounded like an ashamed tone. . . but it couldn't possibly have been.

"Not bad." He responded.

"A bit chalky." Stephen said slowly.

"A Hunk of Hulk of Burning Fudge is our favorite." Wong informed Bruce, who looked utterly confused.

"That's a thing?" Bruce yelped.

"Whatever. Point is, things change." Tony responded.

"Our Oath to protect the Time Stone cannot change." Stephen said. "And this stone may be the best chance we have against Thanos."

Tony responded with, "Yeah, so conversely, it may also be his best chance against us."

"Well, if we don't do our jobs."

"What is your job exactly? Besides making balloon animals?"

"Protecting your reality douchebag."

"Okay, guys. Could we table this discussion right now?" Bruce asked almost angrily. "Thor is dead. Loki is dead. Mine and Elizabeth's soulmates are gone. Forever. The fact is we have this stone. We know where it is. Vision is out there somewhere with the Mind stone, and we have to find him now."

"Yeah, that's the thing." Tony said uncomfortably.

"What do you mean?" Bruce asked.

"Two weeks ago, Vision turned off his transponder." Tony replied. "He's offline."

"What?"

"Yeah."

"Tony, you lost another super-bot?" Bruce sounded so disappointed in him.

"I didn't lose him. He's more than that. He's evolving." Tony replied.

"Who could find Vision then?" Stephen asked.

"Shit." Tony hissed. "Probably Steve Rogers."

"Oh, great." Stephen muttered.

"Maybe. But. . ."

"Call him." Bruce demanded.

"It's not that easy." Tony said, looking at Bruce over his shoulder. "God, we haven't caught up in a spell, have we?"

"No."

"The Avengers broke up. We're toast."

"Broke up? Like What? Like the Beatles?"

"Cap and I fell out hard." Tony muttered. "Sort've."

"Not quite true." Stephen interjected. "The Government made them choose and they all fought each other in an Avengers Civil War. Half of them like Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanoff, and Sam Wilson are on the run. The other half like Y/N Stark, Scott Lang, and Clint Barton are on House arrest."

"Either way, we're not on speaking terms." Tony grumbled.

"Tony." Bruce begged, near tears, "Listen to me. Thor's gone. Thanos is coming. It doesn't matter who you're talking to or not."

Tony sighed. He had always carried the phone on him, no matter where he went, just in case. Never thought he was actually going to need it. He flipped it open. "Flip phone." He muttered in disgust. He paused though, as he heard something.

He looked around, things slightly rattling. Stephens black hair was moving slightly in a wind. "Say Doc, you wouldn't happen to be moving your hair, would ya?"

"Not at the moment, no."

What kind of answer was that? When did he move his fucking hair then?

Car alarms started to beep outside, they could see people running past the doors of the Sanctorum, and could hear screams outside.

Tony was the first one out the door, opening it up, and then headed in the direction that people were running from. A woman and a man bumped into each other, both of them falling. He quickly helped the woman to her feet and she kept running without a word. A car crashed into a pole.

"Help him." He ordered.

"Wong!" Stephen shouted.

"Got it."

He put his glasses on. "F.R.I.D.A.Y. what am I looking at?"

"Not sure. I'm working on it."

"Hey! You might wanna put that Time Stone in your back pocket, Doc." Tony said, before taking off into a run.

Tony saw what basically looked like a flying donut in the sky. Chocolate, maybe some orange sort of goop inside of it.

"F.R.I.D.A.Y. evac anyone south of 43rd Street." Tony ordered. "Notify first responders."

Strange did some sort of spell, which stopped the wind. Tony looked over his shoulder at the wizard and he winked at him. Tony raised his eyebrows in acceptance and then looked to see where a blue light had beamed two creatures down from the sky. One was extremely tall and buff, with heavy armor. The other was thin and shorter, but looked a lot like a squid.

"Hear me and rejoice. You are about to die at the hands of the Children of Thanos. Be thankful that your meaningless lives are now contributing-"

"I'm sorry. Earth is closed today." Tony shouted, interrupting the monologue. "You better pack it up and get outta here."

"Stonekeeper. Does this chattering animal speak for you?"

"Certainly not. I speak for myself." Stephen said, stepping forwards, doing some really cool, dramatic, somewhat stupid hand motions to create shields, "You're trespassing in this city and on this planet." Wong did the same shields on the other side of him.

"He means get lost Squidward!" Tony shouted.

"He exhausts me. Bring me the stone." Squidward said and the stomping brute creature started towards them.

"Banner, you want a piece?" Tony asked.

"Mmm, no, not really." Bruce responded. "But when do I ever get what I want?"

"That's right." Tony responded back. "I know it's been a while. It's gonna be good to have you, buddy."

"Okay. Shh. Let me just. . . I need to concentrate here for a second." Tony looked at him skeptically. He was green at the neck and knuckles, but nothing more. "Come on, come on man."

"Where's your guy?"

"I don't know. We've sorta been having a thing."

"It's no time for a thing."

"I know!"

"That's the thing right there. Let's go."

Stephen looked at him in expectation. "Dude you're embarrassing me in front of the wizards." Tony said.

"Either I can't or he won't." Bruce responded.

"It's okay. Hey, stand down. Keep an eye on him. Thank you." Tony said, realizing the emotional stress of losing his entire family on the soulmate side probably was a lot. He thought it would fuel the Hulks rage, but perhaps he was wrong.

He stepped forwards, pulling the strings of his jacket, then tapping the new arc reactor on his chest. He took his glasses off as the suit seemed to melt onto his skin, the helmet coming over his face. He lifted his shield in time to counter the attack with the brutes club, before bashing him with his fist. Light jets came from his back, shooting a beam of energy that sent the brute flying backwards, which Squidward flicked away easily. The beams went back into Tony's suit.

"Where'd that come from?" Bruce asked in excitement.

"It's nanotech, you like it?" Tony asked, "A little something I-"

Suddenly he was sent skyrocketing as the ground underneath him shot up. He swooped around through the wizards, blasting the car that was sent their way.

"Gotta get that stone out of here, now." Tony said.

"It stays with me." The angry wizard said.

"Exactly. Bye." Tony said, then flew towards the aliens. He dodged the concrete walls, but was hit by something metallic and powerful enough to send him all the way back to where he'd been running earlier with Everleigh.

"Tony, you okay?" Bruce's voice called out, footsteps pounding on the ground as he ran over. "How we doing? Good? Bad?"

"Really, really good." Tony said sarcastically from where he was laying seven inches down in the dirt, back against a tree. "Really good. Do you plan on helping out?"

"I'm trying. He won't come out." Bruce responded.

"Hammer." Tony pushed Bruce out of the way, then tried to beam the brute with his laser, but his shield blocked it, cutting down trees instead with backlash.

Tony was suddenly stopped by being crushed by a hammer, by a very slender figure in a red suit. "Hey man!" The kid greeted the alien cheerfully. "What's up Mr. Stark?"

"Kid, where'd you come from?"

"A field trip to MOMA." He responded as he was picked up and tossed across the park. It gave Tony a chance to fire a laser beam up his side.

"What's this guys problem Mr. Stark?"

"Uh, he's from space. He came here to steal a necklace from a wizard." Tony said and the two of them continued to fight the brute. Tony watched Stephen fly by, seemingly unconscious or something. "Kid that's the wizard. Get on it."

"On it." Peter said, taking off after Stephen.

After a few minutes, he heard Peters' voice, "Um, Mr. Stark, I'm being beamed up."

"Hang on, kid." Tony said, extremely stressed out. He tried fighting the metal contraption around his body. The brute ran at him with a sword, leaping, but before he could come down on him, a portal opened up and the brute fell into a snowy tundra. Wong cut the portal off as he lunged upwards, the hand being cut off.

"Wong you're invited to my baby shower." Tony said, before blasting off the ground and taking off after the kid and wizard. "Give me a little juice F.R.I.D.A.Y." His feet melded together into one big booster to give him some extra speed. "Unlock 17-A."

"Pete you gotta let go, I'm gonna catch you." Tony instructed.

"But you said save the Wizard." Peter argued. "I can't breathe."

"We're to high up. You're running out of air."

"Yeah." the kid gasped, "That makes sense." And then suddenly, "Mr. Stark it smells like a new car in here!"

"Happy trails, kid." Tony hovered over him. "F.R.I.D.A.Y. send him home."

"Yep."

"Oh come on!"

[melishade]

This was an art piece I also worked on for a while! I wanted to bring Ymir and Oshern to life after they got married in the Peaceful Timeline. And this definitely happens late at night during the reception:

Magnar continued playing his lyre, leaning back against the chair he was sitting in under the light of the common area. A soft melody continued to echo through the area. Tove rested her head against Garth's shoulder, muttering about a wonderful night. Her husband agreed with a chuckle, the two completely drunk to say anything else.

"Someone will need to help them later," Sigrid commented, hauling Beini over her shoulders.

"Sigrid~. Your curves are awesome~. The other villagers don't know what they're talking about~!"

"Beini, you need to manage your alcohol intake better," Sigrid cut him off.

"I should head home," Thyra yawned as she walked up to Sigrid, "Where are Idunn and Darrbey?"

"I think they left early after the dancing," Sigrid recalled before turning her attention to the couple still dancing, "I don't think they'll be leaving anytime soon."

Thyra followed Sigrid gaze and smiled at the sight of Ymir and Oshern slowly dancing with each other. They held each other's hand while embracing the waist of the other. Ymir had rested her head against Oshern's chest. Her eyes were closed, and a smile of contentment was on her face. Meanwhile, Oshern's green eyes seemed to shine brighter under the candlelight as he stared at his new wife with love and adoration.

"I can't believe they actually got married," Thyra said.

"It's impressive, I'll give Oshern that much," Sigrid said as she dragged Beini out of the common area, "Lovestruck dumbass."

Megatron sighed to himself in annoyance. He had one hand on his hip while the other was carrying a tired Maria. The flower girl was resting on his chest, slouching against his shoulder with her hair looking a little messy. The girl's mouth was hanging wide open, letting out fairly loud snores for a nine-year-old. He supposed it made sense. It was past her bed time; she was exhausted.

Megatron heard sniffling on his right and felt the holoform's eye twitch. He glanced over to see Optimus' holoform hunched over the top of the table. He used his arms to cover his face from view, but it didn't help disguise what was going on. The Prime had started crying again and was merely hiding his tears so his cover wouldn't be blown. Next to the Prime sat Solveig. The old woman simply continued to rub Optimus' back without question, but she couldn't help but be baffled at the sight.

"I never knew gods to be this emotional," Solveig remarked to Megatron.

"I don't think you understand just how much he's degraded over the years," Megatron proclaimed.

For more context on this picture, read:

The Oshern Arc

and then!

The Marriage

And if you want to catch up on What if Optimus appeared during Founder Ymir's timeline AKA the Peaceful Timeline, be sure to check out my masterlist on my page!

(Also, again, shout out to mellon_soup! They have awesome drawing references!)

[fizzingwizard]

What I love about Moomintroll:

He's so interested in everyone he meets. He'd make friends with a piece of driftwood if he could. Or a bird that shat on his head. "Meet my new best friend, this tin can-wearing tumbleweed that doesn't speak." Although Snufkin gets the "best friend" descriptor, pretty much every character is closer with Moomintroll than they are anyone else. Snorkmaiden, Sniff, Little My, they're all Moomintroll's best friends - Snufkin is just his best best friend, lol. Part of that is main character syndrome, sure, but it's at least justified because friendliness is in his nature.

Despite that, he's not some kind of extreme extrovert. I won't attempt to label him extrovert/introvert one way or another - I think he has traits of both and can identify, or not, however he wants. But what I mean is, as much as he enjoys a party and likes meeting new people, he also enjoys being alone. He even gets huffy if he feels too crowded. His bar for reaching that point is much higher than Snufkin's, but still lower than Moominpappa's, since the latter generally goes off "to be alone" when he's feeling dissatisfied or disappointed somehow, not necessarily because he really wants to be quiet and reflective. He really likes people, but he also loves having a piece of his heart reserved only for him.

And although you might think these two traits would be in conflict with each other, they actually harmonize together beautifully. Because Moomintroll is friendly, he makes friends will people from all different backgrounds and walks of life. Because he feels so much and looks inward, he sees a part of his own heart in each of those very different friends. It makes him want, or think he wants, different things at different times, and it's the reason he can never be satisfied. He looks at Snufkin and sees his own values of peace, independence, and optimism reflected back at him, and he longs for a vagabond's freedom. But then he looks at Snorkmaiden and he sees his own appreciation for affection, companionship, and mutual reliance, and he wants to go home. Little My influences him to be tough; Sniff influences him to take chances; even Stinky influences him to be a rebel. And his friends don't influence him like that on purpose (well, not always). Their living true to their nature reminds Moomintroll that a part of his own nature is that too. And so Moomintroll is always on the border between being one thing or another, and I think that is what a Moomin is in the end: someone who walks on borders. And I really, really relate to that: the reason I write is to try to live all the potential lives in me. I can only choose one, but I want so many, including many that are utterly out of my reach. Writing lets me walk in so many worlds and be so many people. I love them all and would hate for them to be no more than wasted daydreams. If Tove had continued the Moomin novels, I wonder whether Moomintroll wouldn't have wound up a writer at some point, like his dad and yet entirely different.

[sickofthis666]

"Feminist" songs recommendations:

Tried to find a playlist of "feminist", or more like "women positive" songs online the other day and the results were disappointing, so I'm making my own and thought I'd share!

My Way, Ava Max

"But how come when I tell you

What's on my mind like men do

I'm called crazy?"

Killings boys, Halsey

Jennifer's body inspired.

"All I want in return is revenge"

Bitches, Tove Lo

Bitch Of The Year, Krewella

I've had enough, Melina KB

"So you say you really miss me

Well that makes me laugh

Cause you miss the way I let you walk over me"

Eat Me, Demi Lovato

"Try to be sexy but don't be too sexual

Longer hair and tighter clothes

Would you like me better if I didn't oppose?"

Suburbia, Tove Lo

"I never want babies

I never want a marriage

You are the love of my life

But I can’t be no stepford wife"

My Man, Winona Oak

"Damn

You think that you’re so hardcore you’re the man

Keep looking at me like you’ve got a chance"

Sex Yeah, Marina and the diamonds

"If history could set you free (from who you were supposed to be)

If sex in our society (didn't tell a girl who she would be)

'Cause all my life I've tried to fight what history has given me

If women were religiously recognized sexually

We wouldn't have to feel the need to show our ass-ets to feel free

Tired image of a star, acting naughtier than we really are"

Man's world, MARINA

"Burnt me at the stake, you thought I was a witch

Centuries ago, now you just call me a bitch

I don't wanna live in a man's world anymore"

Just a Girl, No doubt

"Don't you think I know exactly where I stand?

This world is forcing me to hold your hand

Oh, I'm just a girl, all pretty and petite

So don't let me have any rights

Oh, I've had it up to here

'Cause I'm just a girl, I'd rather not be"

You don't own me, Lesley Gore (modern cover by Saygrace is good without the male rap imo)

Competition, Little Mix

Power, Little Mix

Little Me, Little Mix

29, Demi Lovato

"Finally twenty-nine

Seventeen would never cross my mind

Thought it was a teenage dream, a fantasy

But it was yours, it wasn't mine"

The Man, Taylor Swift

Nightmare, Halsey

That Bitch, Bea Miller

Now You Know, Icon For Hire

Good thing, Zedd with Kehlani

We will rock you, In this moment (cover by 3 female artists)

Not 20 Anymore, Bebe Rexha

Home with you, Madison Beer

Fall In Line, Christina Aguilera ft Demi Lovato

Not Afraid, GJan

Pendant 24h, Grand Corps Malade et Suzanne

"D'être une femme, je veux découvrir l'enfer du décor"

Nobody's wife, Anouk

Experiment on Me, Halsey

"Lock up your sons, make way for the daughters

You be the lamb, and we'll be the slaughter

Who needs a Y this many X's?"

Don't hesitate to add yours.

[keis-slut]

Together

s. todoroki

chapter xii. - Heroes

now playing Heroes by Tove Lo

-

"we could be heroes"

A sudden knock at my door

causes me to snap my eyes open, now fully awake.

I look around my room to see it was morning already, then hearing another soft knock at my door.

"y/n? it's Todoroki. I came to say good morning" He mumbles from the other side of the door.

I sit up as I hear this, feeling my face heat up a bit and an excited feeling grow in my chest. I reach for my phone and look at the time, suddenly noticing it was way past when my alarm should have went off.

"w-wait, what?!" I say, jumping out of bed to quickly get ready.

Aizawa will kill me if i'm late!

Did I even set my alarm last night?

Suddenly, what had happened last night rushed into memory, causing my face to heat up more.

No, I was a bit...distracted...with Todoroki,

wasn't I?

I huff and hurry over to my door, swinging it open, then seeing a surprised Todoroki on the other side.

"you could have told me how late it was, baby!" I yell, running past him as I head to the washrooms.

"what's 'baby'?" Todoroki turns to ask, causing me to hault.

Oh, he's so cute.

I turn to face him with a smile.

"Todoroki, it's a pet name" I say, walking closer to him and grabbing his hands as he raises an eyebrow.

"i'm not a pet" He deadpans, causing me to chuckle and wrap my arms around him.

"no, baby...pet names are couple nicknames, everyone uses them" I explain, bringing my hands to his cheeks and kissing his lips lightly.

"oh, I see" He smiles down at me.

Then I pull back, realizing I was definitely going to be late today.

"I have to go get ready, Todoroki!" I yell, running off again.

"see you in a bit-uh...baby" He says, remembering to use a pet name.

A blush rises to my face and my heart flutters against my chest, hearing Todoroki now call me 'baby'.

I head down to the washroom and brush my teeth quickly, then attempting to fix my hair in the mirror.

I sigh and grunt as my hair won't cooperate, then giving up on it I turn around and run back to my dorm to get my uniform on.

I swing open my door again and dash into my room, grabbing my uniform from my desk chair and slipping everything on as quick as possible.

I didn't want to look messy, but I could fix the problems as I walk over.

Once I slip on my shoes, I grab my bag and my phone as I run out of my room, rushing to the entrance of the building.

I didn't see any students left, telling me they were probably already at the school, causing me to panic.

I pull open the door and run outside, feeling the heat of the sun dance against my skin as I dart towards U.A.

Once I make it there, I run up to my classroom, pulling open the door to see everyone inside, but Aizawa not yet present.

I sigh as I walk in, glad I made it on time, then eyeballing Todoroki in his seat.

I turn on my phone to see the time as '8:29', telling me I had a few more minutes left before first.

I sigh in relief as I put my phone away, approaching Todoroki.

"i'm sorry I didn't wait for you, I had to get here on time" He says, looking up at me.

I smile down at him as I bend to fix my stockings that were still a bit crooked from rushing.

"it's okay, I wouldn't ask you to if it meant you were going to be late. you have your responsibilities too" I assure him, standing up straight once my tights are fixed.

I walk around Todoroki to stand next to my seat that was beside his, then place my bag down.

"I know we are now officially in a relationship...but that doesn't mean we hold eachother back from what's important, and right now that's becoming a hero" I say, leaning over Todorokis seat as he places his head on my hip and my arm wraps around his shoulders.

"you're right" He nods, grabbing my hand that's placed around him.

I blush slightly as I bend down to place my head on top of his, getting the slight smell of lavender as I lean against his head.

"we'll always compromise however we can to help each other with this, but we'll do it, Todoroki. we'll become heroes together" I say, standing up straight as he looks up at me with a small smile.

"reasonable enough. as long as I have you, baby" Todoroki tilts his head slightly, using the pet name that was now new to his vocabulary, making me blush and grin like a dork.

Suddenly, the door opens to reveal a tired Aizawa.

"okay, class is starting now, get to your seats" He groans, standing at the head of the class as he walks in.

I turn to face Todoroki again as I back up into my seat, and sit down.

I lean my head against my hand as a joyful grin pulls at my lips.

"together" I mouth to Todoroki, referencing what I had said the first time I had offered to be his friend, while gently brushing off my skirt.

"together"

he mouths back, understanding what I meant, then facing the head of the classroom with a genuine

smile

and a small blush to his cheeks.

"me and you,

we could be"

[fatherramiro]

going to be a little fun, a little snarky, on the dash tonight but since i don't think ive ever publicly talked about this before (with regards to Boat Show Fandom) we're gonna get a little insight into one of the reasons i don't ship a certain ship (and im really trying to keep this out of the tag soooo)

listen like you know what if you want to ship krester and ángel, im not about to say you can't do that or whatever, like im not your dad! follow your heart! but like the reason i know that i wouldn't be able to personally, no matter what could've happened on the show, is that it kind of leaves ramiro in the dust.

a refrain from a lot of folks has always been "ramiro deserves better" and yeah, he shouldn't have to put up with bullshit! but the fact is is that, deserving better or not, ramiro wants ángel. he's in love with him. and ángel is in love with him too, despite posts claiming that he was trying to break up with ramiro in their final scene together in episode seven. the show kind of drives home the fact that despite the drama and messiness of it all, they're both equally invested in being together. so if the show suddenly pivots from that to "oh but ángel really doesn't love ramiro as much as he loves krester" or "krester is secretly ángel's soulmate," it almost feels like what was the point of ramiro and ángel in the back half of season one? if they wanted to set up ángel's affections being elsewhere, there were plenty of opportunities to do so - have ángel care that krester died, or have there be tension between him and ramiro, for example. but the writing specifically is of ramiro and ángel fully committed to each other. and if ángel suddenly dumps him, then that leaves ramiro with what exactly?

the idea of ramiro deserving a better boyfriend is also predicated on a character who does not exist in the show. if ramiro deserves better, where are fics shipping him with any other male character who would do better? or even fics where he finds love with an oc? there is no one else on the show for ramiro, and while love is not the only story a character can aspire to, he starts the show in a love story and there's no indication that his character wants to be single. maybe we would've gotten a new character introduced in season two who was ramiro's real love but like.... i doubt it?

there's more story for krester outside of ángel - he has his family, and his closest and most important relationship is the one he has with tove. but ramiro and ángel are a package deal; to suddenly drop ramiro in favor of krester means that ramiro doesn't have as much of a driving motivation in the story any longer, unless he's going to be pining after ángel the whole time, which would be a Choice. and maybe bo and jantje could write that story successfully but it doesn't fit with the story they seemed to be telling in season one.

there's also the idea i've seen in many posts, mostly from when the show first aired, that basically said "it's okay that ángel treats ramiro badly, because he won't do that to krester!" and like... okay. but if ángel really is a toxic fuckboy, i doubt he's going to treat krester any better than he treated ramiro? like the whole thing just feels like it's mean towards ramiro, and as a ramiro girlie (gender neutral) i just can't vibe with it.

this is not meant to shame anyone either, like you can ship whatever the hell you want. but this is just me thinking about it and verbalizing it so like... yay for me?

[greighwaren]

Ok keeping track of details i missed/theories on my 1899 rewatch. Spoilers ahead:

- Angel tells Ramiro to ask God why he made Ramiro a sheep and Angel a wolf, and then later we see the painting of a wolf and sheep in their cabin. Was that there before this conversation or did it manifest after?

- after Ling Yi has her vision of Mei Mei during the Fog she says 'we are not supposed to have dreams'... which is an allusion to the fight with her mom, but also made me think about how sometimes ppl will wake up with the triangle in their eye, or sometimes wake up without the triangle (that we can see) and I wonder if the nontriangle sleep is maybe a glitch, and there are some dreams/visions/flashbacks that Are manufactured by the sim and some that are not?

- also im still caught by WHY did Daniel kill/delete(?) Ada? Presumably to help start the riots that stop the Kerboros from returning to Europe with the Prometheus. Wouldn't he figure that would put Elliot in danger too, eventually? (I also realized it was the First Mate that first pointed the rioters towards Elliot..) But why does he need to stop the Kerboros from turning back? Plus! His little switchy board thingy set the Kerboros back on track anyways!

- in other news on the first mate, i realized when the rioters/mutineers break into Maura's room to look for Elliot, the first thing he does is look under the bed, where the tunnel shaft is

- ppl we know got an envelope: Maura, Eyk, Lucien, Virginia, clemence, tove, ling yi, ramiro. (Jerome was among the group when they pulled out their letters but the camera never shows his so I'm not sure)

- at the beginning of "the Calling" we see another scene where Maura is dragged towards room 1011 in the asylum, this time she is strapped in the chair and given the black syringe, and immediately afterwards she wakes up in the dining hall w Daniel watching over her (he says she fell asleep), and Elliot locked in the cabinet again. When she wakes up it is with the triangle in her eye. The fact that we didn't see the crowd lock Elliot in the cabinet, nor see Maura fall asleep (I mean we never do..) makes me wonder if that scene in the asylum actually happened at that time then? Idk time is already fucky wucky in this show. The fact that she got the black syringe makes me think that was what made her wake up with the triangle in her eye in the dining hall. Maybe events in this loop continued outside of our knowledge and we didn't see them bc those memories got erased in Maura, so we can't see them either? Maybe after the last time we saw her in the dining hall she figured something out and had to be forced back into the simulation?

- there have to be names other than Eyk's and Maura's that are on the Prometheus that are also on the Kerboros, if this group is going through the same sim loop, right?

- in "the pyramid", the first mate meets Henry in front of the black pyramid, and Henry says 'you know how much is dependent on the success of this project'.. project is curious there. If henrys real goal was just to get put of the sim he would've said mission or something. But I think he has more riding on it than that. He isn't just another victim of the sim like he wants Maura to believe. Is he actually Ciaran somehow?

- i haven't seen anyone talked about how after the domestic scene between Daniel and Maura (which is in Daniel's dream/memory) when Maura gets dressed she puts on the hospital gown before she leaves and then a PA announces a shutdown. When I first watched i thought it seemed like the gown was part of a pretense she was putting up, like she was pretending to be a patient/distressed

- in the glitch flashbacks Maura has when she finds the 70s room from Daniel's memory there's an image of what looks like a galaxy

- someone else made a post about how numbers and 12 specifically are important. When we first see Elliot's bunker, there's 12 wooden blocks standing in a circle around 14? smaller blocks tossed on the ground. (I thought it meant how many ppl are real outside of the sim). Theres also 2 robot toys, one is smaller playing drums (maybe the drums are fanfare, represents Henry, who we think is the Big Bad and then turns out not to be? A red herring) and one is bigger and might actually represent the real Big Bad (Ciaran, presumably. Or even Maura). Theres also a toy plane, which I think forshadows the spaceship

- Daniel says "you're all trapped in here (sim)" and "I need to get you (maura) out of here before it restarts" so I am now a believer than Daniel is dead outside of the sim, or some other way permanently trapped inside

- ppl who were in the pods: Maura, virginia, eyk, krester, tove, olek, ling yi, her mother, iben, anker, angel, Ramiro, clemence, her husband, Jerome, and one empty pod. Ok so there were 16 total, not 12 oops.

- the screen that shows Ciaran's message says the prometheus project is a survival mission

- the screen says there are 1,423 passengers and 550 crew, which equals 1973 (we know there's a lot of 70s allusions i wonder if this is connected)

- also the final shot is zooming into Maura's triangle eye instead of out like we are used to.

[muckmagister]

No one dies from love

Guess I'll be the first

Will you remember us

Or are the memories too stained with blood now?

/

You said, "Don't ever eat the acid if

You don't wanna be changed like it changed me"

You said, "All the edges got so jagged now

Everything you saw then can't be unseen"

Last night, I saw it all

Last night, I talked to God

/

I (I might)

I might kill my ex, not the best idea

His new girlfriend's next, how'd I get here?

I might kill my ex, I still love him, though

Rather be in jail than alone

/

So tell me

Why I should

Choose to stay

When you keep on

Treating me in this way

I am stuck in a game

I don't even want to play

So tell me

Why I should not just walk away

/

Are you still in love?

After all the distance, after all the drugs

After all of it, are you still in love?

/

Take me to the distant past, I want to go back

(Distant past, distant past)

Save me from the distant past, I want this so bad

(Distant past, distant past)

Take me to the distant past, I want to go back

(Distant past, distant past)

Save me from the distant past, I want this so bad

(Distant past)

/

Ok goodnight!

i like the synth! is- is that what it is? idk the noises tickle me i like it, and the beat that comes in is great too! i really like this, i kinda wish it was a faster song but i don't think it'd work if that were the case, no idea, good song!

ohh the noises and sounds oaughh this is also very good, and also a slow song! this is ok though i like the lyrics and the way it wiggles the air, and it definitely wouldn't be improved by being faster either

woag like that one movie, actually i googled the plot of kill bill and these things have literally nothing to do with each other, anyway, another slow song! it sounds good but not really my thing as much as the past two, i think it's mostly the lyrics i don't vibe with idk, it's actually so weird listening and feeling like this is a great song while also not like personally enjoying it.. y'know? i feel like english doesn't have words for the different ways you can enjoy or compliment something

this instantly made me think of trackmania?? lmao, instrumental so quick but slow lyrics still, relatable lyrics though- no i wont elaborate on that, anyway i like it! but it's odd, just about the slower songs in general, even though i do really like them i know that normally i'd practically never listen to- like they don't have the quickness or... something is missing, idk, but it's not like the last song where i just don't personally enjoy it like i do.. ffdhshsb there aren't enough words for this either, tbf i suppose i did listen to a lot of slower music like a year and a half ago so maybe i'll be stuck on the slower songs again sometime

aHh ahHHgghskk the souNds naAhHh there's so many noises, my initial reaction was don't like it but then i sat there rebooting for like 10 minutes and now i've actually decided it's pretty good 👍 still not really my thing though unfortunately

awuhgH this is really good!! but!! the chorus is so boring 😭 like if it wasn't so repetitive gaH i still really like this song though it's good, certainly something i could jam to for sure

[ocheeva]

like a month ago bestie @astrangedoor tagged me in a post where you're supposed to show recent albums listened to but made a book exception for me bc i haven't listened to a whole album since high school <3

the only book here i wouldn't recommend is the bronze tree of death bc it's written by my arch nemesis. unfortunately he's written my fictional bestie and a few other really great characters so i need 100% of the info and have to read all his books now :/

the rest are all a good time; celeste ng and tove ditlevsen both write really enjoyable prose, a psalm for the wild-built has a lovely friendship and a main character using they/them pronouns, babel and our missing hearts centre race and (primarily anti-asian) racism in a profound way and bunny makes you support women's wrongs <3

i tag @cuterocks @zhangpdf and @mishikaiya and idk, i think you can pick whether you want to be pretentious about books or music! :*

[soitamulle]

screenshot tag game 👀

thanks for tagging me @isabellehemlock!

i'll tag some new followers (well everyone is new i just got here), please feel free to happily ignore!

@dontbesylly @denotings @faerywhimsy @blackgirlasis @lvsifer @birdisland @mademoisellebianx and/or anyone else who might want to play 🌷

"Rules: Post a screencap of your lock screen photo, a screencap of the last/current song listened to, as well as the last photo of a celebrity that you saved in your phone."

lock screen is an illustration by the queer icon, author & painter tove jansson, from one of her moomin books! i love tove jansson (everybody loves tove jansson), i can read her books over and over again and look at her art for hours and admire photos of her always. same with the lock screen image, i can just stare at it for the longest periods of time, i want to be inside it, i mean look at it, wouldn't you?

last song i listened to was "it feels so good" by sonique. i was happy to find her cd some weeks ago but hadn't played it until today. this song & video were of course Very Significant to my 12-yo. queer self back in the 90s! it's still such a banger, the whole album is great actually

3. skipped movie screencaps & memes and surprisingly we're left with jacob anderson ❤️ (most times it'd be eric bogosian lol i have saved a ton of his pictures lately)

[fizzingwizard]

sad girl rambling

It started out really interesting to read about Tove Jansson's life, then it got personal.

She seems to have really loved her family and they stayed close their whole lives. They included each other in their hobbies and supported each other. I'm sure they weren't perfect. I watched "Tove" and a lot of it was about her feelings of inadequacy especially when compared to her father. Dunno how accurate it was but it would be a natural thing to feel. The point is that even jealousy, as long as it isn't resentful, is about connection.

Meanwhile I tend to feel like I have no idea what a close family is like. I remember going to a college dinner with a friend's family and seeing them all joking and laughing and getting along and I sat there thinking "My family is nothing like this." Not that we never joked or didn't like each other, we did. But no, it wasn't like that. It wasn't full of energy and fondness. It was mostly four people sitting dutifully at the dinner table "How are you?" "Fine"-ing each other for thirty minutes. It was better when I was a kid, but once we got old enough to have differences of opinion, things changed.

But I thought it wouldn't last. I thought it was growing pains. Of course teens are hard, of course it's difficult for a parent to adjust to no longer being their kid's infallible hero. There was mental illness; of course we'll weather that too.

Then the divorce happened. It was my dad's fault by far, but my mom even tried to patch things up afterward and he didn't even try, despite complaining to me every time he talked that he missed her and our family. I don't know when the last time my dad talked to my brother was. They have been on the outs pretty much since the minute my brother hit puberty. Who knows, he might even say it started earlier. I haven't even heard from him in years, since he went off Facebook. Only my mom hears from all of us.

No one wants to "get the family together." I mean, I do, but first of all I live across the world from them. My brother probably wouldn't go if my dad will be there. My mom would tolerate my dad being there, but won't because she has a new partner and is nervous about making him doubt she's over her husband of 20+ years. (Which is why he wasn't invited for Christmas. I didn't feel like I could complain since I was spending three weeks in my mom's house with her partner. But I did think about my cousin's parents who divorced when she was a kid and who were pretty nasty to each other [and not great to her either], and how they still somehow all showed up together every New Year's, even after my uncle got a new partner. Maybe we'll get there in the future.)

When I look back, I think I had a mostly happy childhood. My brother would say haha no. My mom would say it was a mix. I don't know about my dad, but tbh I think he was pretty happy, because he had kids who thought he was cool until we became surly teens, and a wife who sometimes was mad at him but who kept everything going while still letting him be the "head of the house." Everything crumbled when my dad lost his job and my mom started working 12-14 hour days to make ends meet. He couldn't deny that she was doing everything then. She couldn't deny that he wasn't (and hadn't been) doing anywhere near enough. And we kids weren't wise enough or smart enough or kind enough to be supports. My brother was dealing with mental illness by himself without knowing it. Why I think I was happy anyway either amounts to I'm naturally happy or just stupid. Or some combo of both.

I told my boyfriend at the time that I felt pressured to be okay no matter what, because things with my brother were so hard and things between my parents weren't great either. I felt, and still tend to feel, like I didn't have a right to be upset or make mistakes. I'm lucky to be healthy, so I should be on top of things. It felt like the parable of the prodigal brother. I always kind of felt bad for the "good" brother. The takeaway is supposed to be that he whined for selfish reasons, wanting recognition for doing just what was expected of him, and not acknowledging the hardship his brother went through and how much it took for him to come home. I do understand and appreciate that reading. But I guess I'm a character-person and I create backstories in my head. I imagined the "good" brother's been keeping his own hardships to himself so he wouldn't bother his father who was worried about his other son, and working hard and just wanting to feel a connection with his family. It doesn't change the joy of the prodigal's return, but the good brother feels less self-centered that way.

And it could be argued that if you're healthy and not going through hardship, then you should suck it up. I think there's some truth in that. I think it more now that I'm older, though, and my college-age self was still too soft. And I can't really blame myself for that. I can't have a life's worth of wisdom at twenty, I can only look back in hindsight later. Anyway. The point is back then I already felt that connections were unraveling, but I still thought they would heal eventually.

When I graduated college, my family surprised me by driving out all together. I expected my parents but not my brother. But he actually decided to come. I feel like it's the last time my family really tried to do something together. My mom thought it would be fun, like a family vacation, and maybe it would help patch things up. Instead, on the way to my school my dad was grumpy the whole time, which provoked my brother, and made my mom have to carry a huge emotional load. So by the time they reached me, they were exhausted, hadn't had any fun at all, and pretty much hated each other. I'm like "I graduated!" and they're like "nice." I'm the first one to graduate college. It was a ten-hour drive. They literally just wanted to get back in the car and go home. Show off the campus? Who cares. Meet my friends of four years? Ehhh. Visit my favorite off-campus spots? Really, we're not interested. On my graduation day, I felt like I had spent four years doing absolutely NOTHING. To them it was just another day, a chore. I was really upset. And I felt seflish again. What did I expect, they would give me a car? (I hate driving.) No, I just expected they'd be happy for me. "And they are," I repeated many times to guilt myself into believing it. "They are, they're just happier to be going home." Yeah but going home to WHAT?

Looking back, that should have been the clearest sign. Big event, everyone did their duty and showed up, no one actually cares. (My mom does. But she can't carry so much on her own.) There's no family there, obviously.

I thought I'd write about my own happy childhood memories one day. The best friend who was my entire world for several years, our make-believe games, trespassing in the neighbors' yards, making silly movies with beanie babies, my dad's music, going to Fourth of July fireworks. I thought my family would be happy to know these were treasured memories.

Instead it's like, "oh. I don't remember that" or blank stares. My dad doesn't do much with music anymore. My brother and my mom's lives have changed completely. It feels like they're all strangers. And that would be fine, we could get to know each other again, but no one seems to want to, and that's what hurts me. That when they told me about the divorce they were surprised I was upset???? still shocks me. Why wouldn't you want your kid to feel something when you announce that you're separating. You really wanted me to say "Oh that's cool, how's the weather up there?" My family is just apathy. No connection. If they're not apathetic, they're resentful and blaming everyone else. They're happy to make new memories in their new lives. The old ones aren't important anymore I guess. But they're what made us a family, so without them, are we still one?

So I don't want to write about my happy childhood memories because they don't feel real anymore. They feel like I was a deluded kid who had no idea how messed up things were, and the one thing that would have saved it would be if after all the mess my family didn't just ignore the past two decades. I feel silly for remembering things and silly for getting sentimental. No one else is! They don't care at all. They're just happy it's over.

So I am not close with my brother and I just listen to my dad talk at me and I try not to be a burden on my mom. That's my "connection" with my family members. No wonder I prefer to be alone. I don't even know how to be close to someone. I think "ten years from now you'll probably hate me anyway." That's being a little darker than is necessary - it's my blog so I'm just venting. I'm not actually that far gone. But I do feel that way sometimes.

When I read about Tove and her family inspiring the Moomin stories, I'm partly jealous, and partly sad that I can't relate. But on the other hand, it also makes me feel good to know that some people actually like their family and their family like them back. Some people write about their childhood and their family members say "ahh the good old days." No family is perfect. But that is a nice thing.