#too many emotions not enough energy to healthily expel them

[theoneforemotions]

Been thinking a lot lately of how much being in my parents house changes my world view. Like living here just amplifies how shit of a place the world is and I hate that I think like that. I want to be the kind of person who sees good in the darkness, in people just everywhere but it’s so ducking hard. And it’s weird too because technically I was more aware of my problems when I was at school because it was almost like looking at them from an outsider perspective because therapy, but then I suppose that’s why they seemed smaller. That and I was literally living out my childhood dream, and I think I forget that a lot like yeah I’m grieving for the place and the people who made me feel safe but also I’ve already lived the one big dream I had as a child so now the world feels really bleak. Plus I’ve just lost so many of the resources to look after myself it was all in such a confined space but my world was bigger on the inside. Yes my world was primarily confined to the school grounds but on those grounds was all my friends, adults I looked up too and who looked after me, mental and physical health resources, parental figures, a sense of worth in my head of house role. Here my world is confined to my bedroom and even that space is not my own and I hate that so fucking much it’s making my blood boil just as I write this, the fucking irony of the door I didn’t feel the need to lock from the outside had that ability but the one I want to can’t. It’s insane I have to rely on others to get me to anywhere or walk a ridiculous amount or sort it out completely on my own and I hate that I find that so hard, like I’m in physical pain but seem incapable of booking my own doctors appointment??? Why is my brain like this???

Something less morbid that I thought this morning is that Frankland was rather like a mosaic, all of us with broken pieces putting them together to make something so truly beautiful.

Also also something about the state of buildings, how did a 1933(?) house feel more soundproof than a house built in 2014??? (Cos it’s a bloody new build that’s why)