#tom is a possessive asshole he wouldn't just be like “k.”

[the-kestrels-feather]

Ngl I'm kinda bummed they didn't keep the fact that Tom gets kind of outwitted by Gatsby and that's how he ends up driving everyone but Daisy in the musical. It's a good character moment, and also I just love any moment that makes Tom Buchanan look like the dumbass he is

Also like. Tom already knows or is close to figuring out that Gatsby and Daisy have something going on, closer even than he was to figuring it out by the same point in the book based on the OBC recording, so like. Why is Tom, Mr. Old Money, Polo playing, massive jackass extraordinaire who already dislikes Gatsby because of his new money status and because he thinks might have something going on with his wife just like "sure. Yeah. Whatever." When Daisy suggests that she ride with Gatsby?

[azkaabanter]

The Chamber of Secrets, a summary

Dobby: Harry Potter must not go to Hogwarts!

Harry: The fuck are you Hogwarts4lyfe

Dobby: *Pudding crashes and burns worse than Snape's love life*

Uncle Vernon: HARRY DIDJA PUT YER NAME IN THE GOBLET AHV FYA- I mean *clears throat* NO FOOD FOR YOU BITCH WELCOME TO CONCENTRATION CAMP DURSLEY

Harry: fuck

Ron: *mass breakout*

Vernon: *falls out window*

Fred'n'George: sup

Mrs. Weasley: BoYs YaLl DoNe It NoW GeT yo SoRrY AsSeS oVeR HeRe- except you Harry nothing's ever your fault an btw thanks for almost getting my son killed last year

Ginny: *highkey stalker*

Floo powder: lol you thought things would go right in your life

Draco: *exists*

Harry: He'S FuCkInG Up tO SoMeThInG

Hagrid: *saves Harry from being raped*

Hermione: sup

Lockhart: OMG IT'S HARRY POTTER HERE TO BOOST MY HALLWAY CRED- I mean- *coughs* you have a few fans yourself, I hear- HERETAKEMYBOOKSTAKETHEMALL

Lucius: *is an ass*

Aurthur: *fights a bitch*

Lucius: *here have this book it's pretty and talks to you but be careful it may possess you*

Platform 9 3/4: *is an ass*

Ron: Let's just take the flying car illegally instead of just owling Hogwarts or waiting for my parents

Harry: k

Car: *eighties action music*

Harry: can you hear that?

Ron: we must be getting close!

Harry: hold on-

*music grows louder*

Hogwarts express with Thomas face on it: DUN DUN DUN DUUN DUN DUN, DUUUUN

Car: *crashes*

Tree: *is an ass*

McGonagall: Idfc just go away here have a sandwich

Hermione: sup

Shit: hello friends

Wall: ThE ChAmBeR Of SeCreTS HaS BeEN OPenEd EnEmIeS oF The HeiR BeWArE

Mrs. Norris: hanging by noose from ceiling

Harry Ron and Hermione: *are there*

Filch: Y'all killed my cat IMMA KILL YA

Dumbledore: Bruh you accusing the great Harry Potter?!? If it was anyone else I wouldn't care but since it's Harry SHUT UP

Malfoy: *is a slithery Slytherin*

Harry: He's the heir

Hermione: *starts making potion*

Myrtle: *moans*

Colin: *takes pictures of Harry*

Harry: ew fuck stop

Lockhart: StOp YoU cAn'T bE MoRe PopUlAr thAn mE- I mean *coughs* it's unwise to hand out pictures until you're as famous as me

Harry: *gets detention* *is worse than Umbridge's blood quill* *hears hissing* *doesn't suspect it could be a snake which is the animal that hisses*

Hermione and Ron: sup

Harry: can you hear that

Ron and Hermione: wtf no you must be insane

Harry: lol tru

Lockhart: *has dueling club*

Snape: *kicks his ass with the disarming spell*

Lockhart: totally meant for that to happen now give me a moment while I restart my heart

Hermione: *is killed by Millicent but somehow manages to get a hair*

Snape: Harry fight Draco

Harry and Draco: *fight*

Draco: *snakeness intensifies*

Harry: (to snake) bruh calm down mate

Snake: k

Snape: *kills snake*

Ernie: Bruh you tryina kill me

Harry: lol no but I should asshole

Ron: Harry why didn't you tell me you had a completely dead ability when you didn't even know it existed or that it was rare

Harry: idk snakes are cool

Person: *petrified*

Teachers: maybe we should give a shit

Dumbledore: lol nope

Quidditch: *happens*

Draco: training for the ballet, Potter?

Harry: *trains for ballet* *breaks arm*

Lockhart: OMG GET OUT OF MY WAY I HAVE TI HEAL HARRY IT WILL BOST MY READERSHIP I mean *coughs* I've done this a thousand times

Harry's Arm: *is bendy*

Harry: *goes to infirmary* *hears extremely important information*

Polyjuice: *happens*

Draco: blah blah blah mud blood blah blah blah poor blah blah blah whydoesntpotterloveme

Draco: *isnt heir*

Harry and Ron: well shit *get the hell outta doge*

Hermione: *is cat*

Harry: *finds moist book in a girl's bathroom* Imma take this

Harry: *ignores more murderous hissing*

Diary: hello friend no more sadness today

Harry: seems legit

Diary: here look at this memory I'm Tom Riddle

Harry: k

Memory: *happens*

Harry: boi why da fk you lyin

Hagrid: *is taken to Azkaban because we needed to introduce it for the next book*

Harry and Ron: *follow spiders*

Spider dude: We do not speak the name of the giant snake in your pipes now excuse me while my children murder you

Car: *is real hero of the story*

Hermione: *is petrified*

Harry and Ron: Shit

Hermione: *has clue casually hidden in her hand but takes weeks to find*

Harry: ohh it's a Basilisk dats why I can hear it

Ginny: *is taken*

Professors: *finally give a shit*

Lockhart: lol nope

Harry: lol yup

Myrtle: yah that sink with the snake on it. I mean, it would've been helpful to tell you about it before but whatever have fun

Harry: k thx

Myrtle: Harry when you die you should stay in here and fuck me

Ron: bye bitch

Harry: *hisses*

Draco: *in dungeons* *gets boner*

Chamber: *is opened*

Lockhart: I LOVE YOU HARRY! I mean- *coughs* say goodbye to your memories imma just take credit for your stories like I did for erryone else

*uses Ron's broken wand* *hits himself* *cavern collapses conveniently blocking Ron and Douchehart on one side and Harry on the other*

Ron: lol rip

Harry: k bye

Ginny: *is almost dead*

Harry: shit

Tom: *is hot* *appears menacingly*

Harry: sup Tom wanna help

Tom: lol nope *takes Harry's wand*

Harry: Bruh give me my wand

Tom: Snakey go kill this twelve year old

Harry: *runs*

Snake: *is blinded by random phoenix*

Harry: *stabs snake with magic sword* *gets bit* *stabs book*

Ginny: sup omg Harry that look like it hurts

Harry: *gives speech*

Fawkes: *cries*

Harry: yay I'm healed

Fawkes: gets them past all the boulders magically

All: *are free*

Dobby: *socks are lyfe*

Harry: *roast*

Credits: *roll*