#to trans folks or people who dont fit the binary

[restless-cadaver]

it is so disappointing the amount of queer people, especially those i know irl, who claim they are the biggest advocate for other queer folks in the community and yet "agree to disagree" with me when i talk about my experience as an mspec lesboy. do you know how rich the history is of trans men and multigender folks in the lesbian community? do not create an entirely new binary in a space where there was not supposed to be one. queer spaces have already collectively agreed enough that gender is extremely flexible and its easy to blur the lines of. can we please do the same with sexuality? they interconnect and intertwine so constantly, there are infinite experiences one may have in any community or any label they feel best fits them. fuck you if you dont let people be who they are. "it's transphobic and lesbianphobic!" no, it isn't. what's really transphobic and lesbianphobic is the shit that you just pulled out of your ass about some "non men loving non men". anyway happy masc lesbian week fuck yeah we love you lesboys ❤️🧡🤍🩷💜

[genderqueerdykes]

i don't wanna try to like. idk, minimize the struggles of people with queerer genders than mine but like as a trans lesbian who follows a lot of men dni blogs. idk... if i say "men don't interact" i almost only ever mean like, genderstable cis binary men. like. it's not about wanting people to fit into very specific boxes it's a frustration with non queer people fetishizing lesbians, stealing content from us, repackaging our content for straight consumption. and i am plural in a single gender system so i both understand the system struggles and can't quite relate but. is it really that hard not to interact with a blog. i feel like there's an assumption that everyone's personal online space should be open to everyone and some people just don't want that. like there's other blogs. at the same time i feel like this is probably unconvincing. like if someone put "people who are cis straight men at all time dont interact" it wouldn't really fix the problem from the perspective of people who have an issue.

i guess it's just not about singling out a single gender and deciding anyone even slightly involved in that gender is evil, but about the recognition that there are people out there that have privilege over us, and have proven themselves incapable of not committing violence when we let them anywhere near us.

women dni doesn't make sense to me unless it's literally gay men trying to ward off fujoshis tho.

i get what u are saying! i think everyone is free to determine what the DNI is on their blog, and i think it's fine if u have personal reasons for wanting to do so. it's just good to keep in mind that it's the internet so a lot of ppl won't see that DNI, even if you include it in the body of a post, because a lot of ppl don't know what that means, even now, and if you don't include it in the body of a post, it can be deleted from tags, and most ppl don't check the OP of every single post they RB

moreso what i have an issue with is like. making ppl feel like they are not welcome in a space they rightfully belong in due to their identity as though it's the obvious answer. again, everyone is allowed to establish boundaries, and i don't think it's an issue to want to try to weed out folks that could potentially harm you, you can just end up shooting someone you like in the foot without realizing it. it's a hard balance to achieve unless u wanna have friends that are all within the same identity range in which case that's fine literally anyone is free to determine their boundaries on their blog

what i'm trying to stress is making sure ppl are expressing their boundaries in a clear and safe manner that doesn't make ppl feel like their identity is somehow a problem for every single person who shares the same identity cuz that's not the case! but again like. i'm literally not gunna tell someone else how 2 run their blog, like. i just block ppl that seem unnecessarily hostile, or if i think me identifying partially as a man and woman is gonna be a problem or what have u. i utilize the block button a lot, its honestly the only thing that makes this website navigable LOL

[sandysapphire]

#aces and cake#non binary folk and mother mother#trans men and the name aiden#trans women and catgirl culture#bisexuals and cuffed jeans#gay men and iced coffee#lesbians and girl in red#like there is nothing inherently wrong with any of these things#nobody before the cishets came in was forcing this onto Every Queer Person#nobody was claiming you weren't a real x if you didn't fit into y#not seriously anyway#but then cishets got a hold of these things#and turned them into negatives#as ways to harass queer people#and of course we all turned against our inside jokes#bc we now conflate them in our head to being mocked#but please use your head when you think about who's mouth these things are coming from#a non binary person making a mother mother turned me enby joke is not oppressing you because you dont fit into that stereotype#it's the cishets who made it into a stereotype in the first place#and they're fucking delighted that you're not holding them accountable for it

the queer stereotype cycle often goes "queer group starts making inside jokes > these jokes are overheard by cishets > cishets now start using these inside jokes against queer people > these inside jokes fall out of favour > because queer people aren't a hivemind some queer people keep making these inside jokes > these queer people are then attacked by other queer people for perpetuating stereotypes > nobody criticises the cishets who made it into a bad thing in the first place" and youse just keep letting that go round and round.

[loudgaybug]

im honestly so tired of people equating being gay = liking dick. its exclusionary to so many people who dont perfectly fit the incredibly normative binary (such as intersex and trans folk). not to mention the cis gay "people" who equate their gayness with liking/not liking dick/liking pussy. its one of the very persistent cisnormative ideas that i see everywhere. people will say "trans rights" then say "i'm not gay, i dont like dick!" it's clear how performative your activism is. and before you say "its not that deep!" yes, yes it is, it perpetuates the transphobic idea that our gender = what our genitalia is, which is a dangerous, transphobic mentality that has got many trans people denied our rights. in where i live now, the uk, you can't go on puberty blockers until you're sixteen. trans people are continually having our rights taken away from us because of this violent denial of our personhood and our identity. we are often hatecrimed and abused because of these dangerous ideas. i'm sick of performative allyship.

[olympiansally]

hi! i dont want to come of as invasive and if i am feel free not to answer to this ask but how does it work that your pronouns are he/him and they/them? I always found it kind of hard to wrap my head around, a bit. like what does it feel like yk? i kind of just want to understand whats going on there? idk. anyway! i adore your last quiz and i cried <3

Hi anon!

Some people might find this type of question invasive and such, but as long as things are coming from a place of trying to educate yourself and grow to be more understanding I never mind answering questions like this so don’t worry! Keep in mind that I’m not a spokesperson for all trans ppl, not even all he/theys and that ppl can feel very differently about things, but I’ll do my best to give you a good explanation on how it is for me personally.

The way it works basically is that I accept and respond to either he/him or they/them or both and that if you stick to those you won’t be misgendering or disrespecting me, which is pretty much how it works with anyone’s pronouns yk? So basically stick to those (you can either choose one to refer to me consistently by or switch between them, I don’t mind either way) and we won’t have a problem :)

The “what it feels like” part of the question is a bit more tricky and the part I’m guessing you actually have doubts about since like calling someone by their pronouns is pretty straight forward lmao

This part is a bit personal and the answer will def vary depending on who you ask, but for me personally it’s just a matter of what I’m more comfortable with. I don’t have a strict distinction between people using he/him or they/them for me because they both feel right and they both fit and make me comfortable. I’m a trans person with very thin gender boundaries and I kind of fluctuate a lot within the nonbinary, but I’m more comfortable being perceived as masculine so he/him works fine. At the same time I don’t really see gender as a binary at all. Yw when ppl say that gender is a social construct? Yeah I mean that very literally. To me it kinda feels like society just agreed on some arbitrary rules that don’t necessarily make sense for me so I don’t really feel the need to play along. More specifically, I’m AFAB and the social expectations that come with it always made me uncomfortable one way or another so I don’t identify with that and don’t use she/her pronouns. In general, I don’t even really like the idea of those roles or understand the need for them at all so I like to inhabit a place without them and the nonbinary and using they/them make me comfortable with that. Sometimes though I do feel like playing along, specially because it can be kinda tiring explaining myself all the time and it gets even worse in non trans communities or with people who aren’t necessarily super educated on the subject or even worse in my daily life in a country with very gendered language. So sometimes I play along with the little roles, but I feel more comfortable doing that in the one they didn’t assign me and I got to “choose” for myself instead - aka he/him.

Btw keep in mind the very hesitant use of the word “choose” because obviously being trans is not a choice, but I do feel like I got to choose my pronouns, yk just because of how fluid it all is for me, but be careful with terms like that for trans ppl in general.

But anyway, that’s the best way I can think to explain it and I hope it helps you understand me and other trans folk better anon! Feel free to ask any clarifying questions or like let me know if you need any more explanations. I truly don’t mind talking about it and I know how helpful it was to get insight from other trans ppl when I didn’t know much about it and then when I first started transitioning too - and that goes both for this anon and for anyone one else who might need some help.

But I think that’s that for this one lmao hope this was helpful and thanks for wanting to understand anon <3

[lylahammar]

ill start off by saying I love your art, and your enby Jon gives me life! but it was kind of hurtful to see 'i dont think jon is trans, 'just' nonbinary' in one of your answers? i know not all non-binary folk call themselves trans and that's totally fine! but it does technically fit under the trans umbrella and as someone who does consider themselves trans/nb it makes me feel a little bad to see us left out of it by a lot of people :( you dont need to respond, of course, just thought id share.

I’m so sorry anon, that was from my own ignorance on the matter 😔💦 I honestly thought it was like squares and rectangles, as in trans is nonbinary but nonbinary isn’t trans 😬 but I’ve been corrected now by a few people so I added an edit to that post 😓 I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt anyone with that! I’m nonbinary as well, so it’s honestly kind of embarrassing that I didn’t realize that about my own identity dfhdkfl;;,,,

[pluralsword]

This is a complicated topic for which there is not a single simple answer. We will instead give a nuanced one:

-there is a reason for the rise of the modern distinguishment between sapphic and lesbian, wherein sapphics mostly prefer gals and gal adjacent folks and will date e.g. nonbinary people and only sometimes date men, whereas lesbians won't date people who are solely men.

-what do nonbinary people who only want to date women and off the binary people call themselves, if not lesbians?

-polygender and/or genderfluid people who experience multiple genders including being a gal and a guy at the same or different times are still gals, yknow. there's nothing wrong with them calling themselves lesbians.

-there is an often noted experience of heterosexual people dating someone and then they realize they're trans and their gender is different, so the het folks if still attracted and understanding themselves as otherwise het say 'my orientation is to [insert gender] and attraction to you.' speaking from experience, real life long term relationships between gender expansive people are complicated. the partner we dated the longest would sometimes ask us during the first year if we would dump them if they realized themselves as a trans man. we told them of course we wouldn't. is there anything wrong with a lesbian dating someone who figured out they're only a man later in the relationship? no.

-some trans men are not comfortable with the idea of being heterosexual, and frankly by their own accord are not. this isn't just talking about nonbinary trans men. This is also talking about lesbian as a gender or part of one. Orientation and gender or lacks thereof inform each other. This website by a transmasc person has a really good explanation of this, it's beautiful

-for some context, we are collectively a trans gal/xenogender-parallel (this is an oversimplication) plural system. Our eldest headmate is a t4t sapphic and thus is extremely unlikely to ever date a man who isn't transmasc or an equivalent or polygender and also comfortable being dated by a lesbian (ie cis men are off the table) and even if she wasn't t4t that would be the case... because well, a lot of our system is composed of sapphics and lesbians, and um, for some of us, the contexts we are used to are worlds and memories where the cisgender category or something like didn't exist in our societies, because gender/aesthetic neutral and aesthetically informed socialization was a big part of growing up for everyone (and thats not even getting into semi-deliberate body formation stuff in the first few weeks of life). sure not everyone's trans in those contexts but nobody is cis. the term we coined for the sake of our fanfic writing to get that across is launch while we work on original fiction. for the record we dont use human gender/aesthetic system models in any of our writing for aliens, they (including alien robots) either have elaborate alien gender systems in our more hard scifi orig cont and original fiction stuff have alien aesthetic systems with their own terms and pronoun variation if the latter exists which we personally enjoy (we do use a gender assemblage and trans theory lens to approach expressing these)- and as such all of these folks have words for same-aesthetic/same-gender attraction but they are not gay or lesbian etc. they have their own terms with their own histories and meanings. so a lot of us dont even fit the -straight -bisexual -lesbian -gay -pansexual discussion just as we don't fit a gender discussion but most certainly do have equivalents of genders that we've named and iterated and adore (hilariously we do fit the gray scale ace-aro stuff pretty well there's just a lot of add-ons) because ultimately in human terms a signifcant number of us are t4t and while as a system we can agree to the idea of dating a cis gal we have yet to do that. everyone we've dated out of system has been gender expansive, trans or no, or at the very least spent a significant portion of the relationship understanding themselves as not cis

-we find the tendency of cis guys to joking about and saying they want to date lesbians at best as something that makes us want to ask them 'so are you really just a cis guy' or 'do you know what sapphic means within the last 20 years' but often is rather alarming and gross -

-but for the cases that are not some misogyny power dynamic thing, where its from people not familiar with terminology who then are willing to learn and recognize that lesbians are not in their dating pool, we've noticed that it in part has to do with the perception of lesbians as a kind of gender variation of women that to them is beautiful. its the same sort of awe one can have for someone in drag / a drag king, queen, monarch, etc. and attraction even if one isn't going to date one.

-on that thought of lesbianism as a gender-orientation thing, we think sword lesbians and lumberjack lesbians are a great example of where the aesthetic experience of material and technique modification of self expressed through actions and words and frankly euphoria therein has a clear linkage between orientation and gender. the same goes for butch lesbians yknow, and we think that's fair to say of femmes and the whole lesbian-sapphic spectrum too! it's part of our history!

this is just what we have to say on it as people who have spent much of our life together learning about gender and orientation and power dynamics including in the context of history, war, politics, diplomacy, art, and philosophy in order to be epistemically free of the patriarchy and keep it from bringing us down, and to figure ourselves out and maybe share what we can with people along the way.

“we need more weird queers” you guys can barely handle nonbinary lesbians

[aliceinwonderpants]

The Owl House trans headcanons because I can and also cause I'm writing a fic that includes trans Edric.

Gender binary just isn't a thing on the isle. Like when your partner is a worm with a baby's face and your neighbour is a giant sea monster, fitting people into male or female gets kind dumb. A lot of witches still use he/him and she/her, kind of a holdover from the human realms (another headcanon dont @ me) but they/them (as we've seen in Understanding Willow) is also pretty common. Plus like King calling himself King and Queen after Grom, genders aren't pronouns and people can and will mix and match.

Doesn't mean gender dysphoria doesn't exist there or that some folks don't fit the gender that was assigned to them at birth, just that transition is a lot easier.

Agab are more like suggestions. "Welp we gotta call the child something, let's go with this unless they want something else later"

People who want to make their body fit their gender usually go with gender confirming potions, GCPs. They're relatively inexpensive to make and easy to get. They make someone's body fit their gender.

There are two kinds of gcps. Daily ones who are usually for people trying to figure out if that's what they want as well as younger kids until they are able to consent to something more permanent. Some genderfluid and nonbinary folks lacking shapeshifting magic also use those as their gender and current body perceptions changes over time. Finally there are permanent gcps you need to take daily for a week then be set for life. It's nit irreversible but it does get harder to do each time.

So yeah. I'm sick and bored and wrote some trans headcanons. Edric hasn't shown up yet and the fic has been on hiatus for a few months but I'm working on it again so here's a link

[armillary-spheres-lover]

Hey

Idk if you ever got the answer to your thing. But I’m a person who is queer but regularly uses the term lesbian to make things simpler. I can tell you why I hate the phrase monosexual- it feels transphobic to me- I am not attracted to men at all, but I am attracted to women, non-binary folks, gender queer folks, and agender folks. If I was with a partner and they transitioned to be a man I would still love them. That wouldn’t change. Sexuality is fluid and calling someone monosexual seems to erase that and really put people in boxes. Everyone has exceptions. And as someone who has identified as bisexual and pansexual in the past and find those not to suit me and fit right (especially since I am not sexually/romantically attracted to people physically/based on appearances- it’s more about personality and what I could do with a person)

I don’t mean this in an antagonistic way, I really hope it doesn’t come off that way(I’m bad expressing myself sorry).

(I’m sorry, I know you’re not trying to be rude. My answer, however, will sound rude and upset because you touched upon some stuff that needs a lot of unpacking to me lmao. Just know this anger is not necessarily directed at you but at biphobia in general.)

Why do bisexual people may need to use the term monosexual?

A. It is descriptive

I see what you mean but as you said you're queer and lesbian is a term to make things simpler, right?

So I wouldnt call you monosexual because you’re clearly not attracted to only one gender (but if you want to who I am to stop you?). Monosexual is someone who is almost exclusively dating/is attracted to people of one gender. There are plenty trans people that are straight or gay that would NOT date a partner if they realized they were a different gender. For real: kat blaque made a video (here it is if youre interested) on youtube about this - she’s trans and she wants to date men and wouldnt feel comfortable on continuing dating if a partner of hers realized they were actually a trans woman all along. She wants to date guys not girls and that's FINE it just means A. She actually recognizes the girl gender, obviously B. She's straight af and that's wonderful! It’s not a box if that’s how her experience is and she likes it that way!

Also how is being monosexual transphobic? Cant a girl just like guys exclusively (both cis and trans) or like girls exclusively (both cis and trans)? It's not even enbyphobic since you dont need to be attracted to a person to support their rights. (Gay men arent attracted to women but can be 100% feminists.) Being open to fuck somebody is not the same as supporting their rights: fetishization is a thing. Again, I refer to the video Kat Blaque made.

Sexuality IS fluid but to some people (like me and you) it is more than others. Some people don’t feel comfortable dating people that dont fall into the gender theyre usually attracted to and thats 100% okay.

B. It helps in talking about biphobia and panphobia in society

Biphobia and panphobia are for the large part based on the assumption that you cant be attracted to more than one gender (not even non-binary and so on) and that if you do you're weird/disgusting/mentally ill/a sexual predator. I can tell you 100% that's the narrative both straight and gay people can and may perpetuate since I struggle w this kind of shit every single time Im attracted to someone no matter their gender (YES, EVEN IF THEY'RE A GUY, BECAUSE THE OTHER DAY I WAS ATTRACTED TO A GIRL AND NOW I FEEL LIKE A FUCKING ANIMAL THAT CANT CONTROL ITSELF, even though it makes NO sense because if it was two girls or two boys the actual number of people my hormones activated to wouldnt change, but it would make my experience not subjected to biphobia!). I’m not saying gay people are the same as straight people. But I do feel alienated BOTH from heteronormative society AND from (subtly biphobic) gay spaces because of my bisexuality. I costantly feel like I’m outside both of those worlds and you know how humans are: I just need a term to encompass it all easily, to say “I don’t identify with any of this” (which is both straight and strictly gay spaces: ie, monosexual). To me is literally the same as saying non-bisexual/non-pansexual.

I dont mean to say lesbians or gays have it easier or are just like straight people. But we do have different experiences and I need terms to express that. It honestly doesnt matter to me if you identify as lesbian or queer (though I think you’re implying you’re more queer than anything). But I do need a term to talk about how society at large treats sexuality; ie, as a monosexual thing. Another concept that’s been thrown around is bi erasure. A strictly monosexual society is bound to view a girl dating a girl (or girl presenting) as if theyre both LESBIANS and erase a queer person the moment they’re in a m/f relationship, because people cant COMPUTE that it may not be the case and that the girl dating a cis straight dude isnt betraying her queerness.To think so is basic biphobia.

In some ways, I think it’s the same as when transgender people started using the term cisgender - which is applicable to both straight people and queer/gay people. They simply needed a term which meant “not-trans” as they were saying “I dont identify with this” (ie the cisgender experience). Does it imply that cisgender people, no matter if queer, have something in common? Yeah, yeah it does. Does it imply that queer people are just the same as straight people, or face no oppression? Of course not. Seeing people being offended upon being called monosexual feels like people being offended upon being called cis to me.

Also, saying that the terms bisexual people use are transphobic is almost implying that bisexuality is inherently transphobic? Or reeks to me of that kind of rhetoric. I use the terms I need to use, just like any other marginilized group does, and nobody outside of that group has any right of denying me that. It’s like I’m trying to create a safe space for myself and people like me and yall come around to judge us YET AGAIN. And I'm just tired of hearing this bullshit. I could accept this kind of criticism only if it came from a trans person themselves, I guess? But it’s not usually trans people who accuse us of being transphobic, in fact, many trans people identify as bisexual and use bisexual terminology lmfao.

“Hearts not parts” rhetoric

Finally, about personality being superior to physical appearance. That's amazing but I do want to note that, not you necessarily, but many people who are into the “hearts not parts” rhetoric are, how can I say this. Slut-shaming people? I’m not sure if you are doing this but I feel it needs to be said just to be sure. A lesbian trans woman can be just attracted to a girl for her physical appearance and just want to fuck her - and THAT'S OKAY. That's fine. I am a sexually attracted to people and that doesnt mean I have to form a deep bond first. Sex positivity is about accepting that people can feel like this and not shame them for this. "Hearts not parts” rhetoric has in the past infantilized, sanitized or outright shamed other queer experiences. It's fine if you feel that way but dont start acting like you're morally superior because of that. That's catholicism with extra steps. My bisexuality its not the symptom of some predatory and animalistic thing that should be purified into something more palatable and less sexual. That’s the same thing they used to say about gay people and now gay (biphobic) people are using this against us. That’s also the kind of thing trans women (especially if they’re sapphic) constantly hear every fucking day. Queer people have a good part of their discrimination rooted in the shaming of purely sexual desires. Forcing ourselves to be more palatable and less sexual is just respectability politics. I’m tired of it. (This is obviously different from being on the asexual spectrum: but you dont see ace people going around pretending they’re morally superior than everybody else, and many are actually very sex positive)   You would still love your partner if they were a different gender: that’s great, but that’s not how some (most) people feel, and they aren’t superficial because of this, just different from you.

Also, I think you’d really benefit from hearing a trans person say they don’t care if someone has genitalia preferences. Here it is. This obviously doesnt mean that every trans person will feel like she does, but it does mean that we can’t generalize trans experiences/preferences/what they feel transphobia is. Just like straight people dont get to say what’s homophobic or not, cis people dont get to say what’s transphobic or not. The definition of those terms relies entirely on the community that is targeted by these things.

I hope this wasnt excessively confusing but I wanted to make my point clear.

[beauthebaker]

Woman =/= female

Most scientists and society of accepted for a while now that there is an important distinction here. You are using the term interchangeably when they are not. There is a reason why trans women dont themselves trans female. They might call themselves trans fem(inine) but again different words different meanings.

Without getting too far into the whole science doesn't actually prove anything only disproves.

There is a difference between chromosomal sex and gender. You're right. So what? No one was arguing that point.

I would strongly disagree that non-binary people don't transition. But at this point you can Google that

And the pronoun "they" is just the only non gendered pronoun that is part of the English language short of neo-pronouns. It is a singular "they", similar to the French "vous" albeit without the honorific attachment. Do some people like the term they because it implies multiplicity? Maybe, but I sure don't.

Non-binary gender is a very large term encompassing many identities like bigender, gender fluid, gender fuck, third gender, two-spirit etc. Some do experience their gender along a spectrum, some don't.

Sure it is. We were talking about non-binary use of the term "they" and now you've started arguing that chromosomes determine gender. See how far that goal has moved?

I'll stop talking to you like one, when you stop using the talking points of one. I say the things I said in response to the talking points you made, and knowing that this is a public forum in the vague direction of anyone who may read this.

Yes, some non-binary people don't mind being referred to by gendered pronouns. Just like some cis-people don't mind being called girl when they are an adult man.

Language is complex and beautiful. It is constantly changing and growing in unexpected ways. It will never be concrete. Just accept that and when you're old you won't look silly when words have changed meaning and cancerous means amazing or whatever the next generations come up with.

I think there is a point to be made about the similarities between being bi and being non-binary with regards to sexuality and gender, though non binary identities are not new, there are records of non-binary folks going back 100s of years.

Again, commonly accepted that xx=female and xy=male, I.e. referring to sex. Sex and gender are not the same thing.

Biology is most definitely not concrete. I didn't spend 4 years studying it to not learn that part. Biology is the science that has the most exceptions and edge cases because life is messy. It doesn't fit neatly into little boxes. There are exceptions or assumptions to so many different situations biologically. It's what makes life so fascinating.

It's humanity that likes boxes. Makes things easier to categorize and understand. But it's rare that it is that simple, so we simplify to make it easier to understand. But in simplification we necessarily lose nuance. So we need more categories for the edge cases. Words to describe the things left out by the other words.

Man and woman are large encompassing words but they leave out the space around them. Non-binary seeks to fill that space, but doubtless it will fail in some way amd we'll find new words that categorize better to ease understanding. But these are a societally constructed non-concrete terms as you said. Even biological terms change to fit new data. All words are made up, even scientific ones. And they are all subject to change pending new data that contradicts previous understanding.

"They" is just a word being used by some people to help define themselves, nd it would be nice if people used the words that people used to define themselves rather than be forced to live in a box that doesn't fit them. Because people dont deserve to live in boxes.

I give you permission to let go of the notion that science is the supreme way of understanding everything. It really isn't. Science won't help you understand art. It won't help you understand why in the middle of a war people will stop and celebrate a holiday together and then continue fighting the next day. It won't help you understand the pain of losing a parent. Those are innately human experiences that science isn't made to help us understand.

Now, I am finished with this conversation. While I hope that through my words some some measure of flexibility to the notion that the only way to understand the world is through "facts and logic" or through science, and that gender can and must be explained by science, I also know that you are only human, and one conversation with a stranger on the internet isn't gonna magically change your mind. I know you haven't changed mine, and that's okay.

So, I wish you well. I'm gonna go eat cake non-binarily and watch a show about gay pirates now.

Lesbians and straight men have three areas in their brains that are larger in size compared to straight women. I read this in a scientific article. ( I can link it if you like)

This might be due to more testosterone.

For example visual perception, impulsiveness and abstract thinking are greater in lesbians and straight men.

Yet lesbians are not masculine enough to be trans. So if this data is true ( it is) it would suggest that there is a biological explanation for what the youth today calls "non binary" I wouldn't say it's a gender thing but a masculine "energy" thing. It obviously is all neurological and not physical...so it proves that it exists outside of reproductive organs.

I do think the leftist lgbt activists are going about it the wrong way by demanding they/them pronouns instead of talking about science. Maybe the right will respect their argument more. And maybe they shouldn't command people to call them pronouns based off of androgynous neurology instead of chromosomes. Leave the concrete labeling for the xy or xx biology. 🤔

[yharnamsnewslug]

How did you figure out you were a dude? Im afab, thinking im agender, but i dunno... It/its pronouns give me what i think is gender euphoria, but i cant use those irl bc ppl would think im weird. I used to think i was anything but a man, because who would willingly be a man, but your posts (and growing up) have shown me a different side of it, and now i dont know. Im so confused over who i am. Once it looked like i had short hair and i was ecstatic, and i keep having, i dunno, like a phantom dick?? It's been a thing my whole life but i haven't thought about it and aaaaaa. Im so confused. Sorry for this ramble, i just don't know how to figure anything out and all i know is if i could have a beard i would be happy. Sorry/thank you

Oh, hi! Don't worry, anon, you're not bothering me at all and people are welcome to ramble about gender and personal experiences in my inbox, granted that if anything should be trigger tagged, it is.

I'm not that good at giving advice and I'm certainly not perfect and not a pillar of knowledge, but here's my opinion;

Gender is hard to figure out. The reason for this is because everyone has their own perception of gender and what feels good. Thats why I'm so glad that there are so many pronouns floating about the internet - you can take what feels good to you. Pronouns are like names: you choose the ones that fit you. And nobody else should have a say in it, because it's yours.

If you want to figure your gender out, give it a name and discover what group/subgroup of gender you belong in, that's great! And I encourage you to research and ask other nonbinary folk! But if you're doing this to prove to someone that your experience and your gender is real and not weird, I'm afraid there's not much to do. Because people will always think that the things they do not understand are strange.

There are plenty of people, plenty of transmasculine people and trans men, who use it/its pronouns. And agendrr people who do lean into masculinity as well. The people who matter, who respect you and love you, will use your pronouns and refer to you as you want. That's called respect and basic decency.

If you like short hair and feel bottom dysphoria and want a beard, then I suggest you look up the effects of HRT! Testosterone could be a great balm for that pain, and there are so many posts about it!

Being a man is nothing bad. Being nonbinary, leaning into transmasculinity, is nothing bad. It's wonderful. My advice is that you try to look at yourself through the lens of transmasculinity and, if it makes you feel better, well, there is it!

But also, if it doesn't fit, it's also quite alright :) experimenting and learning as you go, growing and changing your perspective? That's just life. I used to think I was nonbinary and then realized I was a binary trans man. And there's nothing wrong with being nonbinary, I just realized it wasn't for me.

And it took me a while to realize. Give yourself time and have patience. Sometimes the answers come to you quick, others slow. Don't be afraid to experiment and don't be afraid of neopronouns or it/its; they're wonderful.

I hope you have a good day, anon ❤

[honexjams]

just was watching an ftm tiktok compilation that featured kalvin garrah and it got me heated, i have a LOT to say about him and his influence but i will condense it to this:

all trans people have an era of discovery and experimentation, for some that includes experimenting with pronouns online to see what theyre comfortable with. the rise in people IDing with they/them or they/she or they/he is infinitely more to do with more trans kids feeling comfortable to experiment than it is with unconcerned cis people wanting clout. (i know some cis people do ID as lgbt for attention, i grew up in a very depressed/depressing and drug-laden small town where its not unheard of for people, especially young people, to go to strange lengths for relief, comfort, and entertainment. this small amount does not tend to go through the worst of the treatment i had as a young, binary trans person in this parish, which alone will garuntee those folks didnt ID this way 'for funzies' very long)

writing off all of these young people as simply wanting attention is harmful to both nonbinary people directly and binary trans people who are young and trying to figure out what theyre comfortable with.

i can say for myself personally, that i am very sensitive so if the trans online sphere was as critical in 2012 as it is today, it probably wouldve thrown a wrench in my personal process of understanding my feelings and realizing the transphobic responses i got from coming out were just that and not the absolute truth. which wouldve in turn left me IDing as non-binary or nothing at all online for a longer time because i wouldve been more concerned with my fear of seeming like i wanted attention online than actually trying to nut up and come out at school or do anything i needed to do irl for my comfort.

i first listed my pronouns on a writing site thats mostly barren last i checked, and what i put was "he/him/they/them" because i was at a place where i was caught between what i felt was true about myself, and having just come out to my mother as an 11-year-old and her not believing me.

demonizing non binary pronouns and identities will 100% effect this generation of trans kids because for those with no support, they will turn to the internet. when both their real life and the online spaces they go to are highly critical and unaccepting of nonbinary identities, any kid less than 100% sure theyre a binary trans person will suffer at the very least an extended period of confusion and denial, and at worst never fully come to grips with who they are.

ive always felt really strongly about this but i feel as i hit the 10 year mark of knowing i was trans (and still being pretty young at 20yo) its a good time to express these feelings a little more formally than i tend to. especially because i fit into the like, Ideal Trans Experience of knowing i was a boy at a young age (i mentioned finding trans people at 11 but i have Very early memories of telling other kids on the playground that 'i was born a boy who looked like a girl so my parents raised me as a girl' which is dummy accurate to a trans experience often shown in media yk).

(this next paragraph is all personal anecdotes which are important to my point but if you dont care feel free to skip over it)

I do very much believe and accept nonbinary people as truth because i can understand how someone can feel like something that isnt understandable to the society they grew up in because that was my experience as an lgbt person in the deep south. I remember hearing my mom at a local parade (a Very Community-Focused thing where i grew up), see two teen girls holding hands walking down the street and saying "theyre a little young for that, huh?" to a friend, I remember asking her what 'gay' meant as a kid bc ofc i heard it at school and just wanted padding for if i ever said it out loud because as i knew it, wasnt a curse word but it was Bad Word (bc i knew from hearing it around school that it was a Bad Word)i wanted to know what it meant, she said "some boys date boys, its not really a Good lifestyle, but sometimes they do it". Ive heard many transmedicalists say 'how can you have dysphoria for nothing?' as in how can someone be agender. I am a binary trans man in a committed relationship with another man and I am frankly bewildered as to how a binary trans person can believe such a thing as 'the only genders that exist are ones i know about, even after discovering my own queerness' because I can perfectly understand the correlation between binary and nonbinary trans people. For me, growing up as a teenager in the south in the 2010s, gays were vaguely accepted but still ostrisized, and in school i had a classmate who i knew is a binary trans man because i still know him now, and I, my insecure, weak, self concious self emailed my teachers about my pronouns and name while he was still being called his birthname in class and my cousin, who sat in front of me next to him (thats how small a fown this is) was the only person who called him his chosen name, which was how i figured he was like me.

I personally dont want bottom surgery even tho i Fully identify as a binary male, I simply came to the understanding that a 'cis penis' is not something I will ever have so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ may aswell get used to the things i can tolerate, unlike my chest and 'feminine' features that T has changed.

Long story short if You are a binary trans person who doesn't get what the whole nonbinary thing is all about, simply try describing your own trans experience as if you were really not a boy or girl. As if you really, through your deepest soul-searching, came up with the fact that you simply dont identify with neither male nor female.

Back to the original point of binary trans people in a self descovery phase, if You are a binary trans person? try to remember the first time you felt really invalidated in a way that truly struck you as like, a direct attack on how you feel (like how those depressing 'relatable posts' do), did you ever feel like if that was something you experienced in a crucial part of your discovery period that it wouldve hurt a lot? maybe even to the point where it surpressed how you felt about yourself? All i want from the trans community is to not let anyone else feel that way. I truly do fear for young trans people and how this exclusive environment stunts them.

[spartalabouche]

You're not wrong for calling people out on their transphobia. I understand it's the internalized transphobia talking to you but sometimes it's better to call them out and judge how they respond and see if they A.) Actual grow and learn something they propably didn't know and have a meaniful discussion or B.) Block them and/or stop talking to them but

Think of it as fitlering out the transphobes cause your not only making sure you're safe but your also helping other trans and non binary folk fitler out those people and have a good time in groups or online cause knowing who you can trust with such important information(like telling a transphobe your non binary and they believe wholely that their is only "two genders") can help them a lot and i know i and a whole lot of people would care about that cause it can prevent a lot of things.

For my personal experience I had to block and stop talking to an ex friend white cis bi women cause she wholely beleive that "trans is a mental illness" and although i calmly told her it was transphobic she got into a hissy fit saying she was a true ally and explained why she was right and excused me of something and took my words of concern and called me things that were not true. And honestly after that, I just told to block me and never talk to me again. If i knew her the trans people she's friends with i would definitely warn them about how she acts when personally critzied on her so called "correct beliefs" cause i don't want those people getting information from her,but that's beside the point.

Either way it's really good that you want to call out those people, and i know a lot of people, especially trans people, very much appricate that

no yeah of course, it would never make me stop calling that shit out because in the end i DO know its harmful and everything my brain just wants to beat me to death whenever i try to do something about it </3 but i know its hurtful for other people too and most of the time nobody except the person who si actively being transphobic in the situation is gonna be like well maybe you should just get over it :/ so it is definitely just like. in my head. and i would prefer to make places safer for other trans people too obv and i think thats probably the main reason why i still do it anyway? because with me like i can ignore it and i do often because like i get it all the time especially because i dont ~look~ nonbinary i guess (wow boobies>? fake nonbinary) but i know other people either like cant take that kind of thing as well or itll just like ruin their whole day or some shit so i dont want to let it keep happening you know?

but yeah i know youre right and it is like still the right thing to do and i definitely wont stop i just have brain diseases and problems

[ankoku-teion]

Ok, so. To do a somewhat better job of articulating my feelings on this:

I know for a certainty that I am not simply cisgender.

I have questioned my gender previously but never took it further than the inside of my head. June of this year, I took a leap and bought myself some feminine clothing and it has changed my world significantly.

I started doing some research and some reading and some deep exploration of myself. Because I've never really tried to engage with the gender identity labels before.

I started off exploring the ideas of being a-gender, enby, or gender fluid.

I've not got a strong internal sense of what my gender is exactly. There's nothing in there that says "i am MAN" or "I am WOMAN" that a lot of other people seem to have. So maybe a-gender. But a lot of the a-gender people I've read/spoken to have a very definite sense of NOT being those things, which I also dont have. I just lack the abstract concept, which I think is because I'm autistic, so I just engage with my gender in a different way. Which is true of my emotions. I dont have an abstract concept of a lot of emotions, instead I experience them as physical sensations which I then have to consciously translate.

So probably not a-gender?

I've ruled out gender fluid too on the basis that I dont feel differently from day to day, I still want to express it in the same ways I just feel external pressure not to in some situations. (And sorting out what was internal Vs external took me a long time too)

Over the course of this I've been edging towards the trans label too. It might fit me? But.i don't quite feel comfortable identifying that way. I feel like I'm trespassing or something. I have friends who are binary trans and on HRT, and have been for years, and I've talked with them a lot over the years about their struggles and experiences. Taking on the label feels disrespectful to them I guess. And trying to talk about this with them was fucking nerve-wracking too, even though I knew they'd understand, I couldn't suppress the fear that they'd call me out as a weirdo and tell me I was appropriating their community.

So for now I'm settling on Enby. Because I know I'm not a cis man, but I don't feel comfortable with trans woman either. Trans as a broad umbrella term, I'm ok with, but "trans woman" specifically gives me trepidation.

I definitely like dressing femme, the first picture I took of myself in a blue dress with my red wig was the first picture of myself that I've seen since I was 14 and not instantly hated. I wear silicone breasts and a bra full time now too, and it just feels right in a way I can't explain.

Every time someone on this site uses she/her or calls me Sarah I get a small thrill of happiness down my spine. And my friends have remarked that I'm noticeably happier and more energetic overall the last couple of weeks.

I actually enjoy clothes shopping now too? It's still as awkward and frustrating as it ever was, if not moreso now because it's even harder to find anything that fits, but when I do, it makes me happy enough that it's worth it.

I'm still crap at painting my nails, but again, it makes me very happy. Even the opportunity to be frustrated and disappointed by the results feels better than not doing it.

I saw a post a couple of hours ago about fish not knowing they're wet, and that being a metaphor for trans folk in denial and dysphoria. And I honestly am starting to feel like the fish being lifted out of the water. Panicky and scared. But also now I know the water is wet.

My mental health has been in the shit since I was 14, Ive constantly hated myself and my body for seemingly all different reasons or no reason at all. Now in hindsight it kind of makes sense.

I'm taking this whole thing in small steps and avoiding the big questions for now, because trying to think about that now is overwhelming, but it kind of all falls into place when I look back on it.

hey are you a girl now

Ehhh, I guess?

I'm definitely happier being femme. Still not entirely sure what to do with that.

[somethingmissingthiswaycomes]

So gender is a feeling? I mean it can't be gender stereotypes, roles and all that since like presentation is not linked And you dont need dysphoria or euphoria either So is a feeling the best way to describe gender identity? Bit confused, I was thinking about some stuff Thanks

Mmm...

I’m not an expert on widespread trans experiences, but I will say that, from a personal perspective, the most useful way of defining gender is definitely “a feeling.” You have a sense of what it means to be yourself, and you can look at the people around you and media and history and what you’re told and taught and feel and think, “I fit into this category. The one they’re putting me into is wrong.”

That feeling is hard to find, but simply defined it’s an incongruence with the gender identity you’ve been assigned. (Some people define gender dysphoria this way, but most folks from what I can tell define dysphoria as a deep disgust with one’s body and/or identity.)

That’s not the same as, for example, “I’m a woman, women are treated badly, and therefore I fundamentally do not fit into the category of ‘woman.’“ Some cis women have questioned their gender for this reason, but in the end, they’re still cis. They would feel wrong as a man, and I’ve heard some have proven this to themselves by unfortunately rushing into transition and regretting it. (It is NOT common, and the problem is a lack of information and education, not transition itself. Detransition narratives can be dangerous, so I want to be clear there.)

Gender is also different from stereotypes and cultural norms. Well... cultural norms might have something to do with it, but I don’t know enough about a large enough variety of cultures to have anything to say about it. My point is that there are gender-nonconforming people, cis and trans, binary and nonbinary, and they have determined for themselves that they would not feel comfortable identifying with the gender most associated with their aesthetic presentation. (Butch women and femme men, for example.)

What gender IS I think hasn’t been totally figured out in the same way what consciousness and sexuality are haven’t been totally figured out. But we do know when we’re gay; we do know that we are conscious of some things. (Debatable what that means, but still.)

From a philosophical or a biological standpoint, gender is definitely more complicated than a feeling, but not everyone agrees on the details, and I’m not the person to ask for a solid answer. People say it’s a social construct, and as it’s viewed by society and what it means to be a man or a woman or nonbinary... yeah, it is totally a social construct. But beyond that? What it means internally? That is very personal, and very complicated. Beyond a philosophical interest, it’s best to just listen when people tell you who and what they are. 

I thought at first that this ask was a troll ask, but the last sentence seems very genuine. I hope I helped some in my rambling. <3

[crystu-cii]

WH E EZE WHAT A MOOD I NEVER PAY ATTENTION- if I'm paying attention in class it's bc it's english and I might be getting a part for reading in a play-- well.. might be preparing to make an excuse for why I can't, rather-

It's a trade-off, no classes, but I have two tests and an essay XDD But like.. no classes- XD I don't mind science and math tests XD the essay isn't favorable but eh--

Oms XDD I felt that- if my parents don't know I'm enby at this point.. idk y'all they literally bought me a binder XD tbf, my I'm Def Not Trans™ reason is very good bc I have back pain and genuinely can't fit into SO MANY TOPS-- ...but also like, dysphoria XD

He hasss but like some people (even trans binary folks) think enbies aren't real/are faking it sO yeahh- at this point I think I'm just making up excuses jndk ooh I get that-- ik my sexuality (aroace) but I'm in a similar predicament bc I tend to have a hard time sticking to one name ;w; I currently go by two (Astrophel and Henry, plus whatever nicknames people wanna give me XD) and I don't like the idea of coming out and then not liking the name I came out with ;w; especially since I came out to someone with a name I really liked and then I started to Not Like It(twice actually ;w;)-- and telling people that something's changed is so strESSFUL-- not being confident in an aspect of yourself makes coming out so scary--

You're super valid too :3c and you are so nice oms such a wonderful individual--

HAHA omgg thank gosh for my english no one gotta read out anything- but english is still- ew XDDD

and omgg that definitely is a good reason to get a binder tho- i also wanted to get a binder! not that im thinking of being trans (yet- you'd never know xD) but i just really want to be flat chested- but 1. im kinda scared to ask my parents cause my mom will be bewildered asf to why i dont like my chest size xD- and 2. i feel like i would be more uncomfortable than i was before cause gosh i heard binders are hella tight and dangerous so im kinda scared over that, maybe you can tell me how wearing a binder is for you? if you are okay with that of course!

and holy really? i know there are people who don't like enby but i didnt think there can be people who support trans but yet dont support enby people- that just sounds so weird- is it really that hard to accept people as they are? 😔😔

and omg Astrophel sounds like such a good name!💞 i love it! i could easily nickname you Astro- which is actually also my brother's dog's name 😳😭❤💞💖💝❤️ but sorry to hear that its hard to stick to one name ! i can understand how that feels tho! ;0;

and LEGITT telling people that you change something possibly really big is just uhhhh its hard for some reason xD like for an example for my stickcat blog- it would be so hard to change something completely in it- so everything i do its like "ima just roll with it and hopefully it all TURNS OUT GREAT-" xDDD when it comes to coming out tho- i can tell thats also stressful- one time towards my friends i was like "HA OKAY SO UHHH NEVERMIND OF ME BEING (insert sexuality)-" XDD

man it reminds me one time when i had my first sleepover with my friends- we were talking about our sexualities and me and one of my friends were like "yo- what the f u c k are we??" XDDD it was pretty fun though xD