#to be clear i think im hot when im masc too its just that i already like. Know That.

[wolfisland]

i havent stopped looking at my own selfies from the other night. obsessed with her. in love with my own reflection. truly channelling narcissus in the modern era.

[gyeolsim]

📝 👀 for both of my kids cause i dont want to go through this twice

📝 me (sort of):

lucy said that reagan is a staple of wsc and that is SO true, i think reagan was the second? app we ever got and i was so taken by how it is Exactly what we were looking for. we’ve gotten a lot of excellent, creative characters, but at the risk of playing favorites, what were the odds that the second person who ever applied almost felt like they were reading our minds and hearts and aesthetics?  like the unapologetic, fearless, creative weirdness of it. senior members came and went but reagan has become so intrinsically wsc that losing it would be such a blow to the group and lore and storytelling that we’ve weaved together here. not to be gay casper but i think you’re such a strong character writer and it’s very clear that reagan is such a passion project for you and where you’re pouring a lot of your self-indulgences and that is so fun to interact with.

lucy already said it and i know a lot of people will remark on reagan’s shameless badness, and i feel like my interpretation of reagan is somewhat clouded by misha’s, but the first thing that comes to mind looking past it’s nonchalant, whoopty fricken doo attitude, is someone who desperately wants to fully inhabit and make its own that space it occupies between worlds, and someone who is in that transitional almost teenagehood-allegory period where it is neither here nor there and it doesn’t know still how to make a home out of it, just that it wants and maybe even needs to. reagan is so… like i am SO aware that everyone else is gonna disagree with me lmaooo, DISCLAIMER i’m PROBABLY WRONG, but what truly stands out to me is the virtuousness of that pursuit, not only how charming it is that it is so true and so unapologetic about who it is and how it wants to live its life, but in how little actual moral failing there is in that, because if you advertise it then it really isn’t deceit. fair warnings and all of that. maybe it’s just because i haven’t ever seen reagan do anything truly abhorrent beyond being a dick now and then that i can’t quite picture it being so selfish that it would choose to truly cause pain and harm and death, maybe it’s that i write misha lmao, maybe that is its bad ending and i am too inclined towards kinder storytelling paths. 

either way, i think this all comes from just how unbelievably well you flesh out that arcane, mythical archetype of a blue/orange morality seelie court native. when i think of the fairy court i picture these violet-tinged, glittery, almost eldritch in its incomprehensibility people-shaped beings that we only ever see a glimpse of, a slice of, and you’ve managed to have reagan live there and be affected by its utter unfathomability and made something so painfully human and dare i say, relatable out of it.

OK THIS IS VERY LONG U GET A READMORE

👀  the saddest boy in the world:

when i first read reagan’s app –and i’m not sure you left this intact in the rewrite, btw– there was a line about how it is callous but can sometimes be found secretly helping out a distressed freshman, and even though reagan evolved a lot as a character this is the part that stuck in misha’s… i don’t want to say rose-colored, because misha is not one to kid himself, but hopeful, i guess, perception of it. his optimistic, fiery stubborn kinda dumbass i-want-to-believe-that-everyone-has-a-little-bit-of-goodness-within-themselves perception of it. idk if reagan developed into someone who still helps little kids regardless of the whole [vague hand gesture] eating souls thing, but to retroactively explain misha’s almost naive faith in it i have to say misha must’ve seen it helping a kid the first time he ever laid eyes on it (most likely way back when misha was new and wide-eyed and didn’t speak much english) and, like, the rest is history. ever since then misha’s held the current reagan up to that standard, not in a way that sees it being unkind and finds it lacking, but in a way that makes him decidedly, unquestionably certain that there’s capital G goodness inside of reagan, that there’s a reagan within a reagan that is virtuous and gentle and driven by… god okay, not to open another great parenthesis of Tangent but i feel it is necessary to explain how misha defines goodness to explain his fatal attraction to reagan, and it is this quote by terry pratchett: there is no hope but us. there is no mercy but us, there is no justice, there is just us (…) but we must care, for if we do not care we do not exist. 

so i think all of this is to say that misha has seen reagan capital c Care, with little kids once upon a time and with the Union that one time he and moire managed to rope it into their two-person circle, he can feel it caring even when reagan wants to bury that passion deep within itself and show its, like, who cares whatever i do what i want facade to the world.

and like… this is hard to articulate, but like.. misha’s faith is not blind, misha’s patched up from contradictions himself, it’s not like he doesn’t realize that reagan is a bastard and an asshole and sometimes sincerely enjoys messing with people. he just sees reagan’s contradictions and finds kindship in them, like, a recognition. a hey, it’s you. they come from the same place, they’re made of similar stuff. misha sees reagan and knows that neither of them have had the privilege of soft, full childhoods because of that wobbling, in-between limbo space where they were spawned into the world. even if misha doesn’t know if reagan acknowledges its contradictions or not – he never claimed to be a mind reader– he just doesn’t have an issue with the apparent dichotomy of reagan being a dick and also being a person (a being?) that misha legitimately thinks has the potential to do fucking good.

lmao i feel like im rambling and saying the same thing and i could go ON FOREVER waxing poetry about the intricacies of misha’s feelings for reagan BUT… at least that’s what misha thinks lol. take it with a grain of salt given that misha’s tragique type is Massive Assholes so that certainly clouds his judgment lmao. he can’t resist a leather jacket!!!!!!!!

also when it presents masc it sometimes is kinda hot but misha’s like, surprisingly at peace with that because he wholeheartedly believes reagan when it says it finds him gross, so in a way it’s kind of a healthy, fun experience for misha to feel vaguely crushy towards a completely unattainable person lmao. most of the time misha legit just wants to hang out and have a wholesome, happy fun Good Time with it and he does like challenges so he might not realize he feels a little bit triumphant every time reagan is even slightly pleasant towards him. this is misha’s tiny little bitter person like a sentient espresso.  

THESE TAKE MORE TIME THAN ANTICIPATED so actually wtf dude send me one from calli’s blog for organizational purposes!

[moidse]

bro-- long time no chat!!

things have been better good lately between me and the partner. a few weeks ago- well probably more than a month ago now... i read a tweet that hit me about loving someone fully-- i felt like i was holding back because they are moving away, and so i was shutting them off slowly to protect myself instead of loving them fully-- because i had already made the decision that we wont work out when they move, and i realized that isn’t true necessarily. the future is malleable. And plus reading their ish about me sending emails had me stop cuz i was like ah. lol. but idk i have been feeling like im in a new funk lately

I just miss having good sex. I feel very uncomfortable in my body. I’ve gained a decent amount of weight in the last 6 months and I feel significantly less attractive. I feel bad I’m not having good sex and I do not feel confident that I could attract someone and have better sex with where my body is right now. I also feel uncomfortable to be on camera because of my body weight and I am too big for my cute outfits from last year. I also partly feel like I gain more weight when im with someone and when im single i push myself more to be fit to attract people and to feel more confident going on dates. I almost think I need a pause from hanging out with my partner until I have my workout routine down and i’m taking it seriously, because I know going to their house and doing nothing isn’t what I want to be doing anymore. I want to be working out and losing weight. I want to be working on my creative projects. I want to be moving forward. I need to continue creating content. 

I am missing having good sex again. which is a feeling that seems to swing like a pendulum. it comes and goes every month or 2. The past few times has been me wanting to top and touch my partner and they were like okay i’m cool with that now. and even before that it was about them touching me and why wont the go down on me and then after i complained they just did it, even though before they said they were too nervous. And it is amazing to think of, in the past,, idk 6 months how far they’ve come. They literally didn’t even want to be naked around me, didn’t want me to touch them at all-- and for the first time recently they are asking me to touch them now... but it still doesn’t hit right.... like when i have sex with them the orgasms are soooo small... i cum harder when im alone. which is the sad truth. 

This has all made me better realize how sex is something very important to me in a relationship. I feel like at first I was hesitant to say something like that because I’ve had people in the past act as if all I care about is sex and i’m a fuck boy... which, sex isn’t the only thing I care about but it is something I do care about and matters to me when it comes to dating and there isn’t any thing wrong with that. It took me years to except my sexuality and I learned there is no reason to hide my sexual wants and desires and I feel like people have acted like im some super horny sex freak when I just learned not to be ashamed of my sexual desires, literally like how must white str8 men are, but because im perceived as a black woman, i’m the one who is being deviant.

It took me a long time to accept my sexuality, and then it took me even longer to accept my sexually kinky bdsm desires. It took me so long to learn that there isn’t any reason to be ashamed of wanting to be dominated. I’m allowed to be more masc presenting and be a bottom. Like i really was so embarrassed about that for so long-- probably because I hung out with only str8 white cis men who would find it embarrassing if they wanted to be dominated, because they can only be dominate in bed otherwise other people might judge them... anyways im so glad i do not hang with any str8 cis white boys anymore, they really had a bad influence on me when it came to my views on dating, sex, and women. they all talk about it like women are real people and i also was guilty of that. i’ve grown a lot since being in college. It was when i was half way through college i started accepting the fact that i like the idea of being sexually dominated. i like tall women. i love muscular women. i love people who are tops, dominate, who want to be called daddy. I love all that shit. and when i would mention it to my white str8 cis dude friends they would react in disgust. and honestly it taught me if ppl react that way to my sexual desires that have taken me so long to accept, then they have no space in my friend circles. im basically done being friends with str8 white cis people. they are exhausting to be friends with. 

but anyways, last year,,, ehhh it always feels like it was last year but i guess it was two years ago,, well partly last year.. idk ... anyways when i met o**** That relationship was the first time I was open with someone I was having sex with about being trans and my dysphoria and they honestly responded so well and fucked me in very affirming ways and it made me cry because i had never felt such joy before when having sex and feeling gender euphoria. 

I always thought that I didn’t want to be in a relationship that was like butch/femme when i was a baby dyke. I used to not want a  relationship that even resembled heterosexuality in anyway. but when i was with o**** i felt we had that dynamic of butch/femme. like when we went out it was clear who the “guy” in the relationship was and it was me. it was clear I was filling that role and they filled the other role and to my surprise i loved it. I loved having that dynamic. I loved going to the sex shop with them and the worker helping me get a masc harness and then assuming they want a femme one. I loved knowing that out in public people see me as the guy in the relationship-- because I want to be seen as a guy in general. Being with them opened up this whole side of gender euphoria I had never felt before. That relationship helped me better understand what I want and am looking for. Not to mention the sex was amazing, the best i’ve ever had. 

When we first started dating I would top them and it felt great and amazing. Then when I opened up and said I like to be dominated too, they just slide right into that roll with little to no hesitation. And then they started dominating and topping me and found that they really like it. It was the hottest sex I’ve ever had. I’ve always wanted to be dominated and having a dominate femme is so hot. My sexual dreams were finally coming true. And because things were so easy for us sexually I think I just assumed it would always be that way. 

Its unfortunate that o**** is such a manipulative person otherwise I’d still be talking to them/fucking them. I still think about approaching them with the idea of just having a sexual relationship and not romantic and see if they are interested. but now isn’t a good time with rona. but anyways, Things working out with us so well sexually I assumed that would just be how it is if I open up and share my wants and desires. I didn’t want to be dating o*** I just wanted to be dominated again and I had gotten it out of my system and they confessed that they still see me as the love of their life, which is the opposite of how I felt so it felt like things should end here. But lets be real, I str8 up dropped them, ghosted them, because I no longer needed their fuck because I had found someone new k****. As soon as k**** said they thought I was cute back I was like BINGO and I legit just dropped o****. I felt like a beast. I felt like a boss ass bitch. Like damn, I have never gotten back with someone to have a good time to just drop them once I found someone new that maybe has potential. 

But me feeling like a boss ass bitch came to a halt when like a day later or something k**** was like im really busy with pride and then im leaving for the summer. I was like wow great. I really didn’t want to take this L so I went out of my way to hit on them constantly at cpride as much as I could. Then I finally got them to agree to see be before they leave. it went well. then over the summer I was soooo anxious about every email. I just didn’t want them to lost interest in me and also it was hard to respond to their emails because they were boring lmao. I also was stressed because there was like zero flirting going on and every time i’d try to move the conversation there they would take two steps back. This made me even more insecure and not sure if they even liked me. And I made the stupid move of not trying to hit on anyone else out of fear of them coming back and me having to pick one or explain and shit. meanwhile they were dating other people. its so annoying. its so annoying that im the one not satisfied and they got to date and be with other people... but i guess thats just cuz no one else wanted to be with me......I was literally only okay with it cuz i thought s***** liked me and they didn’t... they lowkey played me... but also i should’ve taken the mixed signals as a no, but i wanted to believe it so bad, and it was confusing when they said they want to make out with me more. i thought i was in... oh well... it happens... it just sucks to be rejected. i always feel like the people i want the most never want me, or like the hottest people, cuz i didn’t really like them deeply just mostly sexually. it just sucked because they were giving me every thing k**** wasn’t. being lovey and affectionate towards me.... and we never fucked but they were very open about being a top and wanting to dom and so i was like *tongue out emoji* 

bleh... i just have been missing being dominated lately... i mean i fuckin had a dream about s***** topping me... askvask it was good in the dream....but there is something depressing about k***** having like zero daddy energy. like i really didn’t realize this was gonna happen... like i was str8 up gooped when they casually texted me saying they don’t fuck... i was like wait what?? i felt played that they waited months of us talking and emailing to say that. And I stuck by them cuz I had already formed an emotional bond-- but i’m realizing the tricky part about this is that like having to wait to have sex with someone,, like I never knew if we would be a sexual match and honestly neither did they but it wasn’t a deal breaker for them.. i just feel bad to like help them come out of their shell and feel autonomy with having sex for the first time and shit and for me to be like well you aren’t my type sexually. but it is the truth. they aren’t my type sexually. like the other day i mentioned wanting to be dommed and they were like i dont do that... and i was like ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... i need to be more upfront and say im looking for a top/dom/daddy, or someone who switches and is down to play that way some of the time. cuz this none of the time shit stank. 

I mean, they look hot, don’t get me wrong. they look so good in their little body suits and they really make me wanna top them, but its like they have no confidence in being a bottom too. I feel like that’s why this shit really stank. at first they was like yeah i’ll touch you but dont touch me. But also I am not into being a top/dom. but also you can’t touch me so this is all you can get. Me, unenthusiastically rubbing you off. but now that they do let me touch them, it’s like i want the whole bottom experience. like shake ur tiny ass for me baby. run ur hands up and down ur bottom. show me how far you can stretch ur leg. I want a sloppy slutty bottom. I want them to shake their ass on my d and bend over for me. Tell me how good it feels. I want our sex to be so hot we can’t keep our hands off each other. We have phone sex and send voice memos because we just need to hear each other cum. I want them to want to ride my d. 

I feel this way every 2 months or so... idk what to do about it. I don’t want to break up with them and be alone. I do want to be having sex with someone else... I just dont have any prospects. 

lets hypothetically think about the idea of bringing up to them that I want to fuck other people. lets say we have that talk and they are okay with it. My worry is if i meet someone nice who fucks me good i will just leave k****. 

i just miss being topped and I dont think I will ever be sexually satisfied in the relationship I’m in and it’s just unfortunate because I was very patient with them and waiting like 8 months before I could even touch them and they seemed comfortable having sex with me and it’s like, waiting that long i was never sure if we were sexually compatible and we just aren’t. And i understand they mostly have been with asexual people and it hasn’t been an issue but i think this wouldn’t have happened if in the beginning we had a conversation about sex to see if we are sexually compatible.