#to ME he's one of those 'gains weight as health mental/physical gets better' guy

[s1llycilantro]

how do I explain to hermitblr that I've overly thought about everyones body types according to headcanons as well as work n such- IGNORE OLD ART GUYS i was new and figuring out designs LET ME LIVE 😞😞

[erineverly]

“yeah, we did… and it’s all my fault,” the curly-haired brunette admits, chewing nervously on the inside of her bottom lip until a metallic taste fills her mouth. she’s learned that physical pain is a great distraction from the emotional kind and welcomes it with open arms. she swallows thickly, the tip of her tongue pressing against the raw wound on her lip, her mind gaining some clarity as her nerve endings continue to tingle uncomfortably. “i pushed you away because i felt like no one, not even you or maybe especially not you, could understand what i’d been going through.” despite his best attempts to be there for her and comfort her, she still felt so alone and actually wanted to be left all alone. she wanted to crawl under a rock or deep into some dark hole, where no one would ever find her and just die there. she didn’t want him to see her like that and had to cut him off. but there’s also another, different reason for her behavior, one that she struggles to voice for a long time. “and i blamed you for what happened, that’s why we became strangers,” she says quietly, keeping her voice just above a whisper out of embarrassment but also because she’s afraid of hurting him more than she already has. all she wants to do is own up to her mistakes and apologize, explain herself. “it was easier than admitting i was to blame… i thought painting you as the bad guy and leaving would take the pain away, that it would help me feel less hollow and dead inside.” but it didn’t. the opposite happened — she felt even more guilty, even more empty without him by her side. 

“i feel like that’s my fault, too. that you keep trying to… kill yourself,” she adds weakly, nuzzling her cheek against his head as her hands continue to rub his back. she should have gotten them both help years ago, back when their problems first became serious, when he overdosed in her pink bedroom next to all her teddy bears, but instead she kept going, playing victim and being way too hard on him, ignoring his mental health and her own issues. “instead of taking care of you and helping you be a better man, showing you what an amazing person you really are, i was always so inconsiderate and selfish. i’m so sorry, axl. i’m sorry. none of this is your fault, i don’t blame you and i’m sorry that all those bad things just keep happening to us,” she murmurs, feeling like no words will ever be enough to make up for all the damage that she’s done. “yeah? really? that’s good. that’s great.” smiling softly as she carefully pulls back just to take a quick glance at him, she can’t believe that her words have somehow managed to get through to him but it feels like a small victory. some of the weight that’s been resting on her shoulders for weeks gets lifted off, and it almost feels like she can breathe a little bit better now. “we’re leaving that behind us and growing, that’s what we’re doing,” she says, leaning in and kissing his tear-stained cheek, the wound on her lip stinging as it comes in contact with the salty droplets. 

watching as his tired eyes fill with an ounce of something pure and positive — a will to live? some semblance of happiness?  — she can’t help but smile right back at him. it’s the most beautiful thing that she’s ever witnessed, watching him slip away from death’s cold grip and come back to her. she cups his face with both of her hands and presses her lips to his forehead before hugging him again, her arms coiling around his neck. “you know, this is very inappropriate of me, but… i never thought i’d hear you apologize about getting me wet.” she’d give anything just to hear him chuckle again and that’s why she doesn’t refrain from voicing this particular thought. she hopes to make him feel better by making him laugh again. “but with all seriousness, it’s nothing. don’t worry about it. i think i got snot in your hair so we’re even.” for a brief moment, she almost feels like her old self again, like she’s once more that sassy, witty girl that he fell in love with all those years ago. “it won’t be easy, but it’s worth giving another try.”

but then he brings up the idea of them starting a family and her stomach begins to churn. suddenly, she feels like she’s drowning, suffocating. she clings to him like he’s a life raft as her eyes fill with tears once more and her airways continue to close in on her. she knows just how important having a baby is to him, it’s just as important to her, but she doesn’t think either of them would survive another loss. besides, she’s far from done grieving the first one. “yeah, later… yeah. when we have everything figured out, okay? when we’re feeling better. we’ll try again then, alright?” she asks, still clinging to him and refusing to pull back to avoid eye contact. she’s not lying, not really. she still wants to have a family with him, wants to fill this house with babies, but at the same time she can’t promise him that she’ll be ready to do it sometime soon. “i want to have a family with you, axl. i really do. i want to have a bunch of babies with you and a station wagon, too, just what we always dreamed of, but — but what if it doesn’t work out? what if it happens again? and again? and again? what then?” she’s heard of women who have had three or more miscarriages, who go through one IVF cycle after another, and she admires their determination but knows she wouldn’t be able to handle that. would he leave her then? would they adopt? would they just keep trying for years and years? 

“mhm,” she hums softly, nodding her head and turning her hand over so that she can hold his. fingers slipping between the spaces of his own, squeezing as she relishes in the feeling of having his palm pressed against hers again. she thought she’d never get to experience anything like it. “i will. i definitely will,” she assures him, smiling shyly as she inches closer just so that she can rub their noses together. once they’re back in bed, holding each other, she’ll reach for the ring and put it back on his finger. maybe they could even have a little private ceremony, with some heartfelt vows whispered into the night. “hey, that’s not why i suggested you take a bath, but… yeah, okay, we can always just pretend there’s a dead raccoon somewhere in this room,” she plays along, chuckling softly at his comment. she doesn’t want to make him feel bad and so she plants another kiss on his cheek, all while affectionately tucking his hair behind his ear. “yeah, it’s not the most cheerful of rooms… do you think we should keep it all up? or take some of it down?” she thinks out loud, her own gaze following his and quickly looking away when it stumbles upon the empty crib. her heart shattering all over again and she sinks her teeth in the raw flesh on her lip but to no avail, the pain lingers. “oh, everyone feels much better after they’ve visited erin’s spa & wellness resort. we offer the best massages and facials, and we even have a qualified hair stylist on our team. come with me and i’ll show you what she can do,” she says in an attempt to cheer both of them up, divert their thoughts away from what they’d just been looking at. she lets go of him and scrambles up to her feet before reaching out for him again, both of her hands extended in a silent invitation. a small smile dancing on her lips. she’s afraid to let him go, to lose him out of sight even for a second. 

"that's what i was thinking but suddenly we did become strangers." and that's what fucked him up. she left him alone to dwell on the loss of their child while he was at least trying to be there for her and she was shutting him out, that hurt worse than her yelling any words at him. he prefers her screaming at him rather than going mute. but...he also knows what his chaos brings. like a pleasant day in the summer time brewing up an ugly storm so unexpectedly, bringing wrath to the land with a spinning violent tornado unhinging out of nowhere. part of him can't blame her for leaving that constant storm he brought under their roof. but another selfish part of him hates to live without her. his heart silently weeps harder when her lips brush against him and her loving arms bring him warmth, seeping into the dark and cold crevices of his heart and making him feel the closest thing to being pure.

"i get it now..." he reassures, seeing it more plainly now and understanding better. "i'd run from me too." there's proof of that in the way he was grabbing for a gun to end his life and escape himself. he should feel better at her saying she's retracting what she said before, but can't help but feel guilt she's going to regret it. "okay, erin." voice agrees with a quiver, learning how to do just that once he's sat up. eyes staring down in thought, hearing everything she's saying then coming to an agreement with himself that she has a point and it steers him in a direction he wouldn't found himself without her guidance. "yeah...that's true. you're right." he gently nods, there's no growing if he doesn't forgive himself. she's completely right.

a soft smile lifts on his face, even reaching his tired eyes when she says hi there. it's just cute of her, how she does it. then he feels like a little child, getting consoled and taken care of if he had a mother that resembled an ounce of her sympathy as eyes gently close and he lets her clean it off his face. "i'm sorry if i got your shorts wet." he apologizes for that then likes what she's saying but is it true? "are you sure it's really that easy? it sounds too good to be true." which is why he's scared of it. then another worry circles inside his head, erin's not even speaking about the baby and has feelings of dread that is the part of being too good to be true. she doesn't mention it because she doesn't want to, he assumes. "we'll work on it and try our marriage again? and... what about havin' a family part? will we still work on that later?" he hesitantly questions but has to know. "you still have your ring?" saying in surprise when he sees it and feels his fingers brush over the diamond on her hand, his heart fluttering at the sight of it. "oh, i thought you would've gotten rid of that. i placed mine in that marriage book, but you can get it and slide it back on if we're really staying married." because he's still so skeptical about it. "i must smell, huh?" he lightly jokes, trying to despite his voice sounding so depressed. "yeah... i guess i better crawl my way out of here..." especially when his eyes wander over the crib and he doesn't want to see it anymore. "and i do think a bath would be nice. it might help make me feel less dirty for sure." he adds, looking down at his lap and sighing as he rubs his forehead before pushing his dirty strands of hair back from his face.

[waywardwrestlewritingwaif]

A Fine Line

I've really enjoyed Sami Zayn's paranoid, obsessive belief that there is some sort of WWE conspiracy against him. I'm also kind of persuaded that the company has exhibited a prejudice against him for no reason. So that's where this story comes from.

Pairing: Sami Zayn x OFC

Word count: 2,972

Content advisory: smut and a major dereliction of duty by a professional in a position of power

You’ve come to dread visiting this place. It’s not that the neighborhood is so bad, although you always make sure to park your car in the monitored lot rather than on the street, even though it means you have to walk a couple of blocks. You’ve been in worse places.

But it’s started getting to you, these regular appointments that seem to be getting more and more alarming. He’s not well. It’s not your fault and it’s not really your business. You’re just the Health and Safety officer who’s been assigned to meet with him while he’s experiencing what the company calls a “stressful episode”. You’re just there to determine if he’s healthy enough, mentally and physically, to fight every week and to recommend a medical course of action if you think he’s slipping. Lately, though, you get the feeling that everything that you report is getting distilled down to one word: yes. Yes, he’s fit to work, because he understands who he is, what the job entails, and how to do all the moves he needs to so that no one gets hurt. The fact that for the last three weeks you’ve been saying that he needs a break to stave off any problems in the future seems not to have registered with anyone. So every time you come back here and talk about his health, you feel like you’re failing him. Worse, it feels like you’re being dishonest with him.

You step onto the landing at the back of the house where he rents his tiny apartment. He could afford better but, as he’s told you, he likes it here. He needs his money for other things. What things? He doesn’t like to specify. But he’s certain that there’s a time coming when he won’t be earning what he is now, when he doesn’t think he’ll be able to do this kind of work anywhere.

As usual, you knock twice in quick succession and then twice slowly. Yes, you have a secret knock to gain admittance to the home of the man who is officially fine to risk his life and the lives of others in a wrestling ring.

“Come in,” comes the answer from inside.

You squint as you enter the darkened apartment. All the blinds are pulled down and he’s even pushed towels along the window sills so that no light leaks through the bottom. You can make out his figure sitting cross-legged on the floor but that’s about it.

“Lock it behind you, please,” he says, his tone as polite as ever but firm.

You do as he wishes, engaging both locks before turning back to look at him. He reaches over and turns on a lamp that’s sitting near him. It’s not a lot of light but it allows you to see that he looks more or less the same, no visible signs of self-harm or weight loss. His eyes shift rapidly over you, around the room, towards the door, all over the place. They’re feverishly bright, which is never a good sign. Despite his yoga-like pose, he shows little signs of agitation: his fingers tap ceaselessly on his knee, he chews a little on his lip, and he blinks a lot.

There’s a thick, musky aroma to the place, not exactly unpleasant but animalistic, not something that belongs in an urban apartment.

“Hi Sami,” you say, sitting down on the small, uncomfortable sofa in front of him. You place your handbag on the floor and keep your hands flat on your knees where he can see them. You’re not hiding anything.

“Hello.”

“How are you feeling today?”

“I feel wonderful.”

“That’s good.”

He nods vigorously. “I feel like I’m finally putting everything together.”

“How do you mean?” You hate it when he’s like this. On a selfish level, it means that he’s probably going to talk at you for three hours about the conspiracies against him and the enemies he’s made, and you’ll end up stuck in your office until eight or later parsing through your notes, trying to figure out what’s germane to an evaluation of his health.

“Did you see my match?”

“I saw some of it,” you answer guiltily. Wrestling is not your thing and you shouldn’t need to watch the product, which is fictional, in order to understand the very real health of your clients. But with Sami, it’s different. The divide between real and imaginary is fuzzy in his head and that makes it as real as the furniture in this room as far as his mental health is concerned.

“It looked really good.” You try to sound enthusiastic.

“I lost,” he grumbles.

“I know. Has that been hard on you?”

“It’s what I expected. That’s what the people want.”

“What people?”

“The people! The fans. The ‘WWE Universe.’” He waves his hands and smirks as he says those last two words and you do have to admit that it sounds pretty dumb. He sees your lips twitch in amusement and smiles. “All those weird little faces on screens.”

“They weren’t faces on screens last week, though.”

“No, they were real. Or what passes for real.”

“You don’t think those were real people watching you?”

“They were the chosen ones. The ones that the people in charge wanted to be there. It’s not like it used to be. It’s all controlled. Only people they’re certain about get to see what’s going on. You see what they want you to see.”

He’s getting irritable, you can tell, something which always makes you nervous. He’s never gotten violent or threatening with you, not even close. He’s raised his voice and paced around and that’s been stressful enough. He’s not huge like some of the guys he works with but he’s strong and when he gets upset you can see the muscles beneath his skin. If he turned on you, you wouldn’t be able to defend yourself.

What’s truly horrible is that whenever he does start to get riled up, there’s a part of you that feels a little excited by it. It’s the worst thing that you could be thinking about a client, the most hideous betrayal of your ethics. But there’s something about him, all that energy and intelligence, misdirected though it may be.

“That’s what entertainment is, though,” you counter. “The people producing it always control what the audience sees.”

“Entertainment,” he hisses.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that in an insulting way. I know you’re an athlete.”

“No, I am an entertainer. I’m both. But when they say it they mean I’m there for their entertainment. They mean that I’m to do what they tell me. I did this for years and I could come up with my own stories and use my own ideas. I can’t do that anymore. They won’t let me. They’re scared of what I’d do.”

“Has anyone said that to you?”

He laughs mirthlessly. “No one says that to you. No one says anything real, ever. It’s all ‘we think you should do it this way’ or ‘we think this is a good plan for you’. No one tells you what they’re actually thinking. You have to dig it out, you have to look for it behind what they say and then you discover what it is they’re really up to.”

“And what is it that they’re up to as far as you’re concerned?”

He glares at you and leans back a little.

“Why don’t you tell me? You’re the one they’re paying to interrogate me every week.”

“You think this is an interrogation?”

“Isn’t it?”

It’s obvious that this is devolving into childishness. Every time you’re here, it happens at least once but it usually takes you longer to trip up and give him a reason to shut you out.

“I’m sorry, Sami. I didn’t mean to make you feel like I was… I want you to be able to trust me, to feel like you can talk to me. Yes, I work for the company but my job, what I trained to do, is keeping people healthy. That’s all I ever wanted to do. Do you believe me?”

“It’s a nice thought. You seem nice.”

You smile, projecting all the warmth and kindness you can muster.

His expression grows suspicious again. “But it’s still them sending you here. Maybe they don’t tell you what to say or what information you’re supposed to be getting from me. Maybe they just figure that they can send this sexy woman over to act like my friend and I’ll forget about everything they’re trying to do to me.”

“I’m not here to be your friend, Sami. I’m here to see if I can help you, professionally. I don’t want you to feel like I’m pretending to be something I’m not.” After a moment’s reflection, you add, “Thank you for the compliment, though.”

He chuckles a little. “Are you allowed to think that?”

“You mean, am I allowed to be complimented that I like hearing you say I’m sexy? I don’t know. But you know I’m flattered by it.”

He can’t deny that. He knows full well that you’ve developed a crush on him. He can see it in the way that you blush when he says nice things about you, and how happy you look when he opens up to you a little. It’s uncomfortable that he knows the power he has over you but it’s also helpful because he talks to you more easily than he would to others. He likes knowing that you’re a bit soft on him.

He leans back, propping himself on his elbows so that his shirt falls away from his chest. You’re used to him appearing with his shirt undone so that you can see a bit of his torso, but this is more of a display than you’re used to. You demurely cross your legs at the ankles and focus on meeting his restless eyes.

“What do they tell you to get from me when you come here?”

“They don’t tell me anything,” you insist. “I’m supposed to come here and determine if you’re able to fight or if you need to have some sort of therapy.”

“You mean like electroshock therapy,” he grunts.

“No, there are lots of different things I’d recommend before that. For instance, like I keep telling you, I wish you’d consider medication to help cope with this paranoia you feel about the company and what they have in mind for you.”

“Paranoia?” he snorts. “What does that mean again?”

“It means you have an unreasonable fear or anxiety regarding something.”

“So what’s the opposite of paranoia?”

“I don’t really know what you’re asking,” you stammer. “I guess it would be not living in fear. Or recognizing a real threat and reacting to it appropriately.”

“But there isn’t a word for that, is there?” he sighs. “Paranoia is an unreasonable fear. But there isn’t a nice, concise word for a reasonable fear.”

“No,” you concede, “I suppose there isn’t.”

“So if I feel like I’m being victimized by WWE, if I feel like they’ve prevented me from rising to the top of the company, you tell me that I’m being paranoid. But there’s no word for what I think if I’m right.”

It gets to you that he’s right. Everything that you’re supposed to be talking to him about is predicated on the idea that he’s imagining things, that he’s wrong about how the company has been treating him.

“I want to help you, Sami. That’s all I want, I swear. That’s what I’m trained for.”

“You’re a very nice person,” he says with an ironic grin. “I mean, you’re the sort of person they don’t give a lot of information to.”

You want to feel insulted by that but it’s also true: you know that your bosses tell you the least they can before they send you out to meet with talent. The real decisions are made well away from you. Making him believe that you can accomplish something for him involves having to convince him that you have some power, but you’re not sure you’re in any position to do that.

Sami leans forward, amber eyes fixed on yours, and places his hands on your knees.

“What do they tell you to do with me?”

“They don’t tell me anything. They just tell me to talk to you. And you shouldn’t be doing that.”

As you’ve spoken, Sami has pushed your legs apart and has started planting kisses along your thighs. He looks up at you with a petulant expression before pushing his face deeper, breathing hot and quick against your panties, licking at them until they’re as wet on the outside as they are on the inside.

Sami, we can’t be doing this,” you pant, crying out as he sucks against the fabric hard, making your clit quiver.

“Why not?” he hums. “You want it. I want it.”

He presses two fingers roughly inside you, stroking that spot inside you that makes you scream and thrash against him, seeking release. Even with your panties still on, just feeling him lick and suck at you through the cotton barrier, you come with a force you can’t remember experiencing ever. He keeps pumping his fingers in and out of your pussy as you continue to spasm around him, trembling for long minutes until you’re too overwhelmed and have to shove his hand away because you’re so sensitive that any contact hurts.

“Think about it,” he whispers, pulling himself on top of you, “They send you here to look at me and make sure that I’m good enough to fight, to make money for them. They send you in here with the idea in your head that I’m being irrational, that I’m imagining things.”

He grips your face in his hands, staring into your eyes as he pulls your panties away and thrusts his cock into you. It’s true what he says, you think as he starts to move, although all thought is quickly supplanted by pleasure, by the feeling of him stroking at your g-spot and grunting softly as he fucks you. You simply lock eyes with him and let yourself be overwhelmed by their earnestness and honesty. No one at your job as ever looked as convinced of anything as he does staring into you as you both come together, yelping and gasping, then shaking and clinging to each other as you come down from your highs.

“Do they listen to anything you tell them about me?” he murmurs, gathering you close to him and caressing your face.

You tilt your head back, moaning a little and exposing your throat to him, an invitation he accepts, sucking hard at the flesh. It’s true that no one pays attention to what you say, least of all about him. And it’s true that there does seem to be some sort of weird block they have against pushing Sami and some others to the heights they deserve. You aren’t ready to tell him that but the look in his eyes when he meets your gaze tells you that he doesn’t have any doubt what you’re thinking.

“What else do you have on your schedule this afternoon?” he whispers.

“You’re my only plan.”

“So spend some time with me.” He pushes his head against yours, thrusting his tongue into your mouth so quickly it takes you a second to adjust and respond, passionately kissing him back, whimpering and moaning to let him know how much you’re enjoying it.

“I’m really not supposed to do this,” you gasp.

“I know there’s a part of you that believes me,” he pants, letting his detumescent prick slide out of your body. “I can tell you don’t think I’m crazy because I think they’re trying to keep me down. Whatever they sent you here to do, I know that all you want is to end up with what’s right. So I say, this is right. Let’s do what we really want and figure other stuff out later.”

“I don’t know. This is a pretty huge breach of conduct for me. Even if I do think you might be onto something.”

He draws a finger lightly along the edge of your bottom lip.

“If you think I’m onto something, maybe you should stay and figure out if you think I’m worth believing.”

Hours later, you’re in his bed, gripping the sheets with all your might. He’s kneeling, hands dug into your hips so hard that you know there will be bruises before he even lets go. He’s pounding into you with the force of a jackhammer, lifting you so that every movement strokes your g-spot until you convulse around him, screaming his name, your orgasm triggering his own.

You can’t remember how many rounds you’ve had. Your body is like one giant pulsing nerve, quivering uncontrollably as he pulls out of you while pressing his thumb firmly against your clit.

“So do you still think I’m crazy?”

You no longer know what you should think of him. Whatever he’s done, you’ve done far worse. So are you even in a position to judge him? Thinking about what your superiors take from your reports, is there any reason to believe that they have a better grip on the situation than he does?

“I think you’re pretty stressed,” you murmur, pulling him close so that you can nuzzle your face against his. “I think that both of us could do with a break from this company.”

The two of you kiss again, passionately, excitedly, gripping each other as if you were the only stable things in the universe.

Professionally, you’ve done something unforgivable. But perhaps it’s something that will be understandable in the long term. Perhaps you’ve chosen to be on the right side.

[dawniebb]

Face reveal bc yes

So, guys...especially from the Renegades fandom bc i’m the most active there: you saw the title lmao. This will...barely get notes (i wonder if it’ll get notes at all) buuUUUT YEAH LET’S GOOOO (If you’re gonna reblog pls be respectful bc i have issues and btw reblog ONLY if we are mutuals)

THIS IS ME! <3 HELLOOOO!!!

Now, if you want to stop here, do it. If you don’t...well

I’m going to tell you a story about myself and why I decided to post this.

First of all, I’m not celebrating anything. I’m just celebrating me, I guess (?) and in fact I’ve been wanting to do this since my parents got me a She-Ra cake for my 20th birthday back in May, because I loved that thing and felt the physical need to shove that thing into everyone’s faces But I didn’t because I didn’t feel ready enough...then that thought left my mind, and it came back like two weeks ago.

I’ve had mental issues since I was in like...elementary school. I’m sure I had felt depressed before I turned 12; however, the first memory I hold of feeling so, it’s when I was already 12. Because it was then when I realized that I wasn’t just a dumb kid who didn’t know how to make friends xd To this day, I genuinely feel like I was suffering from isolation bullying; you know xd my classmates purposely excluded me from activities, they would find any excuse for not letting me join their work teams and stuff like that; during my last year at elementary school, I only had like one friend, and that one friend and I shared a sort of abusive/toxic relationship, as in: manipulation, “we’re best friends. you should only talk to ME”, and then this friend turned her back at me too, because she decided to join the rest of the group and ignore me.

lol.

And I remember wondering what was I doing wrong. Like, why didn’t people like me; why didn’t they want to hang out with me; why did everyone seem to have friends except me. And then I got trapped into a very...dark place, and I remember being overthinking one day, because I tend to overthink a lot...and I remembered this specific kid who was in the same class as me.

I was in the line for the teacher to check my homework, and this kid, a boy, was behind me.

You see. I’ve always been chubby xd I don’t think I’ve ever been skinny since I was 2 years old or so, because by the time I was in kindergarten my classmates’ moms were already calling me a ‘little meatball’ thinking it was a fucking adorable nickname because Mexican moms can be pretty shitty sometimes don’t let the media stereotypes fool you not all of them are all cheerful and upbeat and when I was in elementary school, for some reason, besides being chubby, I had a really bad posture. And this boy who was behind me started imitating my way of walking and his friends were laughing, so I turned around and asked him wtf his problem was xd and he turned around to his friends and asked “Do you see how hunchback she is?” like I wasn’t even there xd and I genuinely tried to slap him but I couldn’t, and he said “Yo, stop moving because you’re going to cause an earthquake”

And my mom has always felt personally attacked for the fact I’m...u know, fat. She has always been very insistent on the fact I need to lose weight and stuff like that. And her, mixed with my experiences at school, made me feel like I wasn’t enough.

But my mind started saying things like “And u know why you aren’t enough? Because you’re fat”

Because, like, the day of the hunchback insult, when I told the teacher, who was a very shitty teacher btw but i’m not talking about her again today (i’ve already talked about her in MANY of my university papers, because I’m studying to be an English teacher), she turned around at him and said “Don’t listen to HER” and to this day I still don’t know why xd

But it made me feel like I wasn’t enough. Because I was fat.

Lol x2.

To this day, I still don’t know if I have an ED. Like, I genuinely don’t know. But I can safely say that, if I have one, it’s more likely BED... because, through the years, I managed to lose weight when I turned like 15 and I had my quinceañera party, but then first year of high school came and I had a relapse into depression...like, this might come off as a very unpopular opinion, but junior high school was dope for me x’d I remember it as one of the best years in my life, right after my second and third year in high school (high school in Mexico lasts only three years) and so...when I started my first year in high school and got fucking depressed again, I gained ALL that weight back, and even doubled it. During my second year of high school, I met my friends. The friends I still keep with me to this day. And they accepted me like the fucking train wreck I was, failing math like three times in a row and crying about it every single one of those times  because I’m pretty sure I have dyscalculia but my parents won’t listen to me they think i’m just lazy when it comes to math even though they know i cant even read a fucking clock . And them, along with my another very close friend who I met via fanfction when I was 12, helped me go through it. Like, I did have some issues with my body during high school, but not as much as you would expect. They were getting pretty bad in my first and second semester, but during the other four my friends managed to stop me from losing my mind, even when it all went to shit in my third year again for different reasons.

Then I graduated from high school, and I made friends there too. Although my best friends are still my friend from fanfiction, my friends from high school and just one of my university friends. And you know...I was left...pretty scarred from the shit that happened during third year of high school, and even if I didn’t feel like I was *that* depressed, I did gain a lot of weight.

Like, the highest I’ve ever been. Then my dad got sick during October from last year, then my two doggies were murdered god i fucking hate my neighbors the same day my dad was released from the hospital and my mom went kinda nuts during December and I wanted to just...yeah.

So I did a lot of emotional eating. Like, y’all don’t understand.

It was like...I would go to uni and eat a brownie. Then chocolates on my way home. THEN a “a snack” like...fucking rice krispies. Then a huge ass meal, with soda bc why not. Then I would have either cookies or hot cheetos as a treat after my huge ass meal,

I’m a short person xd carrying that much weight was making my ribs and back hurt, as well as my legs and feet; my breathing was freaking awful, and there were some days were I got SO paranoid I just said things like “i’m gonna die today” or “out here trying to get diabetes like the rest of your family, aren’t you??” :’) but i didn’t tell anybody. My parents are not really an option in this case, BUT I didn’t tell my friends, because then I would have to explain that I ate a lot and that was something I was EXTREMELY ashamed of.

When February came, I was scared of going out, because I knew I would have to choose what clothes to wear and nothing fit me anymore and, the things that did, looked super stretched on me and, u know, I was sore. My health was getting bad. But I didn’t like to feel that way.

AND I MUST CLARIFY HERE. I’M WORKING ON THAT. I’M ACTUALLY A BODY POSITIVY DEFENDER, I JUST DIDN’T LIKE HOW *I* LOOKED AND, BESIDES, I WAS GETTING SICK. I GENUINELY THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE AT SOME POINT. I’M NOT SAYING BEING FAT OR CHUBBY IS DISGUSTING. NO. I BELIEVE ALL HUMAN BEINGS ARE EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL. AND IF I’M WRITING THIS IS BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO KNOW RECOVERY IS DISGUSTING AND DIFFICULT SOMETIMES AND THAT IF YOU’RE GOING THROUGH SOMETHING LIKE THAT: I’M SORRY. NOBODY SHOULD EVER FEEL LIKE THAT. I SUPPORT YOU. AND I HOPE THINGS GET BETTER. AND NO MATTER WHAT OTHERS SAY, YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE TO CHANGE ONLY IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE. BECAUSE IT’S YOUR BODY. KEEP HOLDING ON.

But going back to the story...

My friends used to tell me I looked pretty all the time, which I appreciate a lot to this day. But my parents were like

Me: I’m fat and I look deformed.

Them: I agree.

Because yeah.

Just before the pandemic madness happened, I went on a school trip with my uni friends and one of them triggered my isolation trauma in the worst way possible...and that, somehow, ruined ALL the photos I took throughout the trip. Because I wasn’t enough. Because I was deformed and fat and I looked like an apple. Because nobody wanted to be seen near me. And my personality was shitty.

Like, I should’ve known I was worth it. I’m still worth it and I know that. But I wasn’t less worth it when I was chubbier. And maybe I didn’t look as bad as my head made me believe. But at the time my mental health was extremely awful.

Now, covid happened.

Not gonna lie. Quarantine fucked me up as much as it fucked everyone else, but for me...by not going out, I stopped being near trigger foods, and I was even able to consult a dietitian.

I’ve lost 15 kg since March. And I’ve managed to love my past self, but I love this one because changing it was my decision. Sure, my parents didn’t help a lot, but in the end it was MY decision. I’ve come to accept I was worth it even when I felt disgusted by myself, and all of those awful things people said or did to me, like my friend during that trip...

I didn’t deserve any of those things. Because NO ONE deserves to be treated that way.  No one deserves somebody else making fun of them. No one deserves somebody else doing awful things to them that they know damn well that they trigger their childhood trauma. No one deserves to be judged for the way they look.

I was in a very dark place, and sometimes I’m still inside there. And like...during all those times, I kept posting in here.

I remember being next to my dad in the hospital, telling him “Guess what? Supernova drops this week” or “We’re going to watch TDP together, right?” or “Let me talk to you about She-Ra...” ....those were things that like...saved my life for a while, though mostly Supernova. Because, actually, Marissa Meyer has helped me in my fucking darkest years x’d from my third year of high school until now.

Her books didn’t take my depression away, but they did make things a little lighter for me, even when I felt like dying.

And I know this fandom is like..full of minors, so...I don’t know if any of you need to hear this: But you’re worth it.

If you want to change anything in your body, do it because YOU want to.

Because YOU’LL like you better.

Because it’s YOUR body, and it’s the only part of yourself that you and other people can touch.

Nobody should ever tell you you’re worthless because of your weight and your physical appearance. And if they ever do, then they’re the ones who should apologize, not you.

Nobody has the right to mistreat you, abuse you, or use your own body against you.

As for me...my ribs don’t hurt anymore. Nor does my back or my feet, and my breathing is getting better; I took the conscious decision to lose weight but, like I said, now that I’m not in such a dark place, I’m staring to realize that the past me wasn’t as hideous as my mind was making me believe. She was okay; she was broken inside, but she didn’t deserve anything that happened to her, nor did she deserved to treat herself that badly.

I posted my photo just to celebrate that I can finally said I’m not disgusted anymore. I can finally see myself in pictures again. And see my own reflection. Or go through my closet. Or do my makeup, because I LOVE doing my makeup and I was even ashamed of that. I’m not fully okay yet, but I’m healing.

So, if there’s any little Dawnie around here: I hope you give yourself a chance and realize you’re beautiful.

I hope that, if you change, it’s because you wanted to do it.

I hope you know that it’ll get better even if the healing process it’s not that easy.

I hope you know there’s people who love you.

I hope you know that you are beautiful. You were always beautiful and, no matter what path you choose, you’ll always be beautiful.

And worth it.

And human.

And important.

Take care of yourself, because you’re wonderful, no matter your size <3

[kimikitty96]

Goodbye Letter to my Eating Disorder

It’s been hard. The past 3 years were so difficult, I’m surprised I haven’t completely lost myself. From having relationship problems, to deaths in my family (my brother and kitty died), to being sexually assaulted in the gym, to almost losing my mom this past year...suffice it to say, it’s been rather difficult. 

I turned to my old “friend”, Edward. We “met” when I was 8 years old, and lost touch when I started working at 21 years old. Or, at least I thought we lost touch; he just put on a mask. But here he was again. He was there for me when I was struggling the most. No one else understood my pain the way he did, and no one numbed me like he did. He gave me the drive and motivation to get out of bed and to go to the gym; he kept me from faltering on my diet and turn to comfort eating; he continued to cheer me on when I made mistakes and would tell me to keep going. When I have injuries, he’d tell me that my initial weight loss was not due to me exercising, but my eating habits and to not worry, I can still continue! When I got sexually assaulted at my gym, he said to me that I never have to go back to that gym, and that I can go anywhere else to get my “Brazilian Booty”. He suggested I take a trip to Vegas and just enjoy myself, then come back and get serious.

He comforted me when my fiance would reject me, saying if I listened to him, I won’t need my fiance because I’d be able to attract the guy I really wanted, that all I needed was a little push. When my kitty passed away, Edward allowed me to grieve and to celebrate her life by going to a buffet and enjoying seafood, on one condition: I had to make sure that I was right back on track by making sure that I would “let my body rest” from food for a couple of days.

Last July (2019), I went into PHP because I knew something was seriously wrong. Edward was no longer helping me. His voice grew louder in my head, and what used to be gentle nudging became more forceful, more frustrated. Here was his evolution:

-”Oh, you want carbs? Well, that’s okay! You can have carbs and use it as energy for the gym when doing cardio/lower body workout tomorrow! Just make sure you lower your fat intake, okay?”

-”Yes! There’s a food festival! Make sure you get your 10k steps before you go, okay? We’ll eat everything we want, just like those fitness people do on YouTube! You’ve earned it!”

-”Oh, you gained weight...again. I mean...maybe you should lower your calories again. You’re eating a bit more than you’re supposed to, so just make sure your weekly calories are where they’re supposed to be.”

-”Lord, you failed an exam??? Okay, you need to hit the gym harder so you can focus better.”

-”[Fiance] refused to touch you again? It’s been a month since the last time? Why do you even want him to touch you at this point? You should just think about that guy who molested you at the gym, since that’s all you can get at this point.”

“You failed another exam? Jesus christ, you need to focus harder. You’ll never finish community college and get into [#1 dream school] if you continue like this! But if you let your body rest from food, you’ll have mental clarity and will remember your course material better.”

-”Oh, fiance said no to you again. You really need to stop having these “cheat days” or “cheat meals”. He’s getting more and more grossed out by you every day.”

-“Why can’t you just stop eating the junk foods you’re eating? You were able to do it before. You’re so stupid, you can’t even get this right. You know what? I’m going to test your willpower. Go out and buy junk food, and stare at it and say no!”

-”See, he’s flirting with so many other women at his work. This is why he won’t touch you. You’re stupid and ugly; you’re worth nothing unless you are at the top of your class, and weigh less than [UGW]!”

-”Why can’t you stop eating?!?! Why do you have the willpower of a drug addict?! You’re nothing! Get rid of that! You don’t deserve your meal! GET RID OF IT NOW!”

-”JESUS CHRIST, YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID! IT’S YOUR FAULT YOUR FIANCE DON’T WANT YOU! YOU’RE WORTH LESS THAN NOTHING! YOU DESERVED BEING GROPED AT THE GYM BECAUSE THAT IS YOUR WORTH!”

-”See? You failed a class you already took! This is how stupid and [ableist expletive] you are. You can’t even do that shit right. YOU ARE NOTHING. YOU HAVE NEGATIVE WORTH.”

-”Your brother died because he had diabetes. Your mother almost died because of diabetes. They couldn’t control; the shit they put in their mouths, and you will end up with the same fate because your dumb ass can’t even say no to a chip.”

-”Oh, you lost another friend? That’s because you’re a piece of shit. You’ve always been a piece of shit. You deserve to be alone. No one should be subjected to the bullshit that is you. You should just KYS.”

-”No, you can’t have that! You can’t touch food unless I say so! I don’t care that it’s been a week!”

-”No don’t touch food! It’s all poison! It’s going to kill you! Look what it did to your mom and brother! You’re gonna lose your dad too because all food is poison! DON’T TOUCH ANY FOODSTUFFS!!!”

*Me, fainting, at home alone, because I haven’t eaten in a week and my heart rate is in the low 50′s*

-”Why are you being an attention whore? Stop your bitch ass whining and go pee.”

*My response* “Bitch, there’s no one here! Who am I being an attention whore to, my cats?!”

-”Yes! Now stop being a whiny bitch and go pee!”

-”Why are you still here? Why aren’t you doing everyone on this earth a favor and disappear. No one would miss you. They’re not even thinking of you right now. No one misses you now. Everyone is just pretending to like you because they feel sorry for you. They actually really hate you. Just disappear. They don’t want you around anyway.”

-”Leave. Disappear. No one wants you. Just take [redacted], and go to sleep.”

Edward was not helping me. He made it seem like he was, but he wasn’t. He entered my life during a time when I was vulnerable and made me believe he would be my redemption. He knew me; he knew what was best for me. He could make me better/stronger/more beautiful/more desirable/smarter; all I had to do was listen.

That’s not who he is. He is a monster. He’s worse than that; he is pure evil that nothing and no one should ever allowed in. He took what I give him, and it’s not enough. It’s never enough. Once I did what he told me to do, he tells me to go farther because while it’s good, I can do better; I can be better. He destroyed everything I touch and turned it against me so that I couldn’t rely on anyone but him. He isolated me and introduced me to his partner-in-crime, Shame. The more Edward spoke, the more Shame consumed. 

When I thought Edward was giving me drive and motivation to go workout so I could improve myself, in reality, he was telling me my body was grotesque and that I needed to punish myself because I mistreated my body. When he tried to keep me from faltering on my diet, he was telling me I shouldn’t eat [xyz] so I can be healthy, when in reality, he was encouraging me to binge/purge/restrict/fast, causing heart palpitations, unstable-low blood pressure, gastrointestinal distress, brain fog, increased bouts of depression, and severe low self esteem; instead of being healthy, he made me extremely unhealthy. When he continued to cheer me on whenever I injured myself due to too much physical exertion and would tell me to “reign my diet in”, the reality was that he caused these injuries by telling me that I had to keep going no matter how hard I trained, that I couldn’t eat enough calories so I could heal and recover, and that even though I was injured, I couldn’t rest and had to continue to exercise. When I got sexually assaulted at my gym, he graciously allowed me to transfer gyms and continue to workout and ignore my mental health when in reality...he wanted to keep me mentally weak so that I would continue to rely on him because he made clothes fit better.

He made it so clothes can fit better; clothes I bought, that I wasn’t allowed to wear, because my body wasn’t where he wanted it to be, therefore I didn’t deserve to wear them yet. 

The past few months have been the most difficult out of the 3 years I’d been struggling; COVID, finishing school and transferring to uni, cheating on my fiance, my mom almost dying (twice), and really delving deep inside me to come to terms with everything I went through and being completely honest with myself...I never want to go through that again. But I am extremely grateful I did, because I saw who Edward really was. I saw him for the toxic, vile, awful evil entity he always was, and now I get to say goodbye.

To Edward:

Thank you for who you were when you back into my life (again). Thank you for helping me cope with my issues, and for keeping my head afloat; you did the best you could, given the circumstances you had. I was broken, hurt, lost, and saw nothing good in me. You showed me that I can be better, and that I can do better. I just have to push a little harder, and I’ll eventually get what I want.

You gave me something to hold on to in the beginning, and thankfully, I figured out your toxicity before it was too late for me. This is me telling you that I want to part ways. I know you’ll still be around, because you are my oldest “friend”, and I know you will do your very best to get me to succumb to your ways. But like you taught me, if I just have a little bit of willpower and a little bit of strength and perseverance, I can achieve what I want; that the only person stopping me is myself. I can either move forward, or sabotage myself once more; it was, and is, completely up to me, isn’t that right?

Thank you for the lessons you taught me. I will utilize them to fight you every single day of my life. Yes, I will have setbacks. Yes, I will falter. But like you taught me; if I falter, I need to keep going. What was it you used to tell me? If I miss a workout, or eat something I wasn’t supposed to, that I needed to work twice as hard the next day? That’s exactly what I’m going to do. If I let you in, I will tell myself that it’s okay to make a mistake, and that I can always turn my back on you whenever you appear. The only difference between your lesson and my OWN words is that I will forgive myself for allowing you back in. 

I want to thank you for all the vitriolic words you’ve shouted at me. If it weren’t for that, I would’ve never seen the kindest words uttered to me by the ones who do love and care about me (yes, the people in my life love me despite your insistence that they don’t). I want to thank you for the discipline you’ve instilled upon me. If it weren’t for that, I would’ve never remembered the drive I have at succeeding at endeavors that mean a lot to me. And you know what means a lot to me? 

I MEAN A LOT TO ME!

So I will work my hardest to make sure I fight you every single god damn day of my life, and in doing so, empower me to be the best me I can. And you know what it means to be the best me? It’s to be my most authentic and honest and forgiving self. I means I can finally love and appreciate me the way I love and appreciate everyone in my life.

This is my goodbye. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

Kitty 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #404

“death doesn’t answer when i cried for help”

The person you had the strongest feelings for dies, do you care? I'd be fucking devastated. It wouldn't feel real. Is there something you’re happy about at the moment? A few things. I'm still on that high of my APAP mask working, like I'm actually getting some fucking quality sleep, and I think I'm noticing the effects of my TMS therapy finally, too. My PTSD has most notably been much more bearable, and my interests are beginning to spread again. Do you want someone dead? No. Do you ever wonder what your ex is up to? I mean yeah, I think that's pretty normal, even for someone without my issues. Have you ever fed or taken care of a stray animal? Oh, many times. What is something you tend to worry about? My health and future. What is something you do that is unhealthy? Sit at the computer for way too long. I'm absolutely certain my vision is as poor as it is partially because of me endlessly staring at screens. What is something you do that is good for you? I'm not afraid to prioritize my mental health. What last caused you to force a smile? I was watching a Mark video for the first time in a while and was just reminded of how much I love and appreciate that moron. What was the last video game you played? Was it fun? Because you said "video" game, I guess I'll exclude computer ones, in which case I'm pretty sure it was Silent Hill 2. Given it's one of my all-time favorite games, of course I think it's fun. It's one hell of an emotional ride. What is something not many people know about you? The fact I was a dancer for many years would probably surprise people once they have a good idea of me and what I like. What word describes your basic style? Lazy, honestly. I dress for comfort, and given that's usually just pj pants and a tank top... yeah, I don't put much effort into my clothing when I'm going most places. Have you ever been told you were going to Hell? She kinda beat around the bush, but yes. Have you ever wanted to kill yourself? On more than one occasion. If yes, what convinced you not to go through with it? Well, I did OD once, but on the other occasions, it was the fear of the unknown that deterred me. Have you ever rejected a guy, only to have him push the issue by asking “why?” and insisting that you just need to get to know him better? Omg no, thank god. I would NOT handle that well. Is there something that you believe everyone should do and you can’t believe that some people don’t do it (e.g., recycle or go to the dentist regularly)? I didn't know 'til a survey question asked it that there are people who don't brush their tongue when brushing their teeth. Like holy shit dude, there are SO many germs on your tongue, clean that shit. Regarding the last good choice (healthy choice, kind choice, selfless choice, etc.) you made, what was your real motivation behind it? Ummmm the nearest that comes to mind is I guess taking my meds? I mean I do that every single day, but it's still a healthy choice for me. The motivation was because I am very serious about doing what I can for my mental wellbeing. What is something that you have had to practice at to get the hang of it? If you can’t think of anything, that’s okay, what’s something you are currently practicing at and trying to master? I really can't think of something for the first half of the question, but I can tell you that right now I'm attempting to force a routine of applying a therapy technique called "opposite action" into my daily life, where you, well, do the exact opposite of what your depression tells you to not do. It is WAY harder than it sounds, but I'm doing it with reading 30 minutes a day! Have you ever gone to the store to buy something, like a video game, when it came out at midnight? Not to my recollection, no. Regarding the last novel you read, was there a romance included? If so, was it central to the plot? The last novel I finished, yes. It wasn't central to the plot. Have you ever done relaxation meditations or listened to relaxation guides or positive-thinking/healing recordings? No, except in therapy when different therapists wanted me to experiment with it during a session. They just don't work for me. Do you have any interests that are also often shared by children? Yeah. Those are the one I'm especially self-conscious about. there something that could be a solitary activity but you really only like to do it with other people (e.g., watching movies, playing video games, etc.)? Watching movies or TV. Are you satisfied with the interior design or decoration in your home? Or do you think it needs a total home makeover? A makeover would be nice... Is there something that you’d like to own but you can’t find it anywhere? If not, can you a remember a time when you wanted something? Did you ever end up finding it or did you eventually stop wanting it? OKAY SO I actually have seen this custom-made once long after deciding I wanted it, but it was RIDICULOUSLY expensive. There's a location in the Silent Hill games called Heaven's Night, and I'd love love LOVE to commission someone to duplicate the neon pink sign of it to hang in my room. Hopefully one day I could still do it. Who makes you smile the most? Probably my cat, honestly. What piercings do you want/have? I've talked about the piercings I have, but I'll talk about those I want. My #1 is absolutely collarbone dermals, but as I've explained a billion times, I want to lose weight so the bones are more prominent for the sake of contrast; you can't really see my collarbones now, so I just think it'd look pretty dumb and random to just have random piercings somewhere around there with no dimension. I also want way more in my ears, dermals in my back dimples also once I've lost weight, my right nostril for the dozenth time (but this time I'll wear a hoop), and while I'd absolutely adore an undereye microdermal as well, it'd be pointless with glasses. :/ What's your favorite website? KM is my pride and joy and really feels like my online home, so despite using sites like YouTube more, that 'ole RP site has to be my fave. Do you own a fish tank with fish? No. I had fish bowls (AWFUL idea) as a kid, but never tanks Do you like the movie 300? Never seen it. Do you pop your knuckles? NOOOOOOOOOOO. I absolutely hate the sound. It makes me cringe and shiver. Do you have Photoshop? Yes. It comes in the Adobe CC photography bundle I have. Do you use tinypic or photobucket? I used Photobucket back in the day. Now I just upload to imgur. What’s your favourite song from the 1980s? You're talking to someone who adores classic rock/metal, haha. How about the 1990s? There are way too many songs to choose from. Have you won anything recently? No. How often do you make Excel tables? What for? Never. What was the last baby animal you saw in the wild? There was a poor fawn as roadkill on the highway recently. :/ Are you always available or online? Preeeetty much. Do you have dietary restrictions? Or do you just eat what you like? I can eat whatever. Do you prefer gold, silver or steel jewelry? Or no jewelry at all? Steel. I'm allergic to silver, and I think steel is more subtle than gold. Have you been binge-watching any shows lately? If so, what? No. If you dye your hair, do you do it yourself or go to a salon? I do it at a salon. If you have any, do you like your in-laws? I don’t have any. Would it bother you, if your partner had cut contact with their parents? If they had a good reason, no. Have you ever wondered whether you were adopted? As a kid I did because I thought Mom was meaner to me than my siblings, lol. What’s the best physical feeling in the entire universe? ........... This question is a setup lmfao. Have you ever grown a berry bush? No. Have you done something new to your hair recently? No. It's been the same for quite a while. I wanna dye it badly. Do you have bad anxiety? If so, do you take any kind of medication for it? I'm diagnosed with generalized and social anxiety, so yeah. I take Klonopin once and day and Ativan as needed for attacks. One thing you’ve experienced that you thought you never would have? HA, the first thing to come to mind was being noticed by Mark by making a viral (in the community, anyway) gif of he and his doggy. I shit you not, I couldn't sleep for three days lmfao. What was the last thing someone said to you that kept repeating over & over in your head? That I gained fucking seven pounds in two months at my last doctor appointment. I wanted to scream. How often do you have late nights out? Never. I'm a homebody. If you could, would you work from home? Do you think that would make you more or less productive? No. It would absolutely make me less productive. If you had the ability to change the weather, what would you change it to right now? Cool with a nice breeze, mostly clear skies, crisp air... That'd be nice right now. Is there something that you really need to do, but can’t seem to get motivated to do it? I say it all the time: finish decorating my room. It's funny, because I KNOW I'll feel more at home and cozy with my bedroom more personalized. Most disturbing movie you have ever seen? Paranormal Entity. The ending was... a lot. Has a life goal or dream ever come true for you yet? If yes, what is it? If no, do you think you’ll achieve it? Not that I can think of. .-. I hope I can achieve some... Have you ever had food poisoning? No, thank God. What are you listening to? "The Man Who Made a Monster" by Dance With the Dead. Do you think there will be a WWIII? I find it inevitable at some point down humanity's future. People are too hateful for it not to eventually. Has anyone ever asked you if you were emo? Yeah. Has someone ever liked you that you never thought would? Maybe? Idk. In all honesty, can a person be too nice? Yes, in some instances. Has one of your friend’s boyfriends ever tried to cheat on them with you? Yes, when I was around 12. And I let it happen. It's one of my biggest regrets. Is mental abuse really as bad as physical abuse? Of course it is. Emotional abuse can cut just as deep as some physical blows, or even deeper. Do you shop at Sephora for make-up? No. Zelda: Twilight Princess or Ocarina of Time? I'm actually not into TLoZ. Do you own a rosary? I did as a kid growing up in a Catholic Sunday school. If you were homeless, how would you cope? If I had no loved ones in my life and no sign of things getting better, I'm honestly preeetty sure I'd end my life.

[chickensarentcheap]

Never Gonna Be Alone- Chapter Ten

Title: Past, Present, Future

Warnings: none

Tagging: @c-a-v-a-l-r-y​, @alievans007​, @innerpaperexpertcloud​, @tragiclyhip​

It’s been a productive morning. Breakfast had turned into an enormous affair; seemingly endless supplies of pancakes, french toast and eggs and bacon being shared amongst the ten people gathered. Although much more reserved and quiet than Millie, Alannah had held her own in the midst of the chaos and chatter; the only child initially nervous and withdrawn but quickly and seemingly getting accustomed to the level of noise and activity that comes with so many children in one house. She’s a lovely little girl. Smart and witty; always offering to help out with food prep and dishes whenever she’s over for a meal, full of compliments in regards to food and decor and possessing remarkable manners and social graces for someone so close to their teenage years. In a way she reminds Esme of the younger version of herself; shunned by her own family and desperately searching for people that will both accept and love her. Perhaps that’s why she’d been so willing and eager to bring the eleven year old into the fold; remembering what it was like to be surrounded by family yet feel so alone at the same time. It’s a horrible feeling; knowing that you’re not what your mother -or both parents in Alannah’s case- wanted and never allowed to forget it. It’s isolating and soul destroying. Causing problems that deeply imbed themselves in your psyche; battling with the destruction and never still weeping and sore wounds that hang around even as a an adult. She hadn't been as fortunate as Alannah; no one else that had been willing to embrace her as ‘one of their own’ and give her what she had so desperately needed AND wanted. And there’d be no way she’d wanted another kid going through that same thing; feeling alienated and lost as a kid and then having your adult years just as messed up and troubled.

So many bad decisions could be directly blamed on the behaviour she had witnessed growing up. Able to make friends yet unable to form real bonds with them. Growing tired of romantic partners; annoyed by the sounds of their voices and agitated by the touch of their hands and winding up feeling physically ill at the thought of them even touching her in an intimate way. The idea of being that close to someone had always turned her off instead of the opposite; a handful of brief and non intimate relationships throughout her entire high school career before trying her hand at the ‘real deal’ in college. Even then it had been too much work; long battles with her own brain and her own hang ups before she would even let her first REAL boyfriend get anywhere past second base. And she’d gotten married solely because she’d been convinced that Mark could be the one to get her past her issues; she’d learn how to tolerate someone being around all the time and she’d learn how to be a normally functioning adult when it came to having a serious and long term relationship with someone. That had been a disaster; confusing being in love with exactly just settling for someone and convincing yourself that you couldn’t possibly do better, so why even try? And even though she hadn’t loved him, she’d still desperately held on even when he became abusive and turned her life into a living hell. Suddenly afraid to be alone and terrified that his words were true: no one else would ever want her. That she was damaged and crazy and no one in their right mind would ever put up with THAT. And he’d constantly remind her that she couldn’t do better. That she should count her lucky stars that he even stuck around in the first place. No other man would, after all.

“That’s how much I love you, Esme. I put up with you. No other guy would. But I do. Because I love you THAT much.”

It’s weird how things evolve. Or don’t, for that matter. How your past has such an impact on your future. Fifteen years after Mark and she still struggles; moments of extremely low self esteem, lingering mental health problems, an unhealthy and twisted relationship with her own family, a constant worry that -despite being relatively healthy and somehow surviving the most horrible and terrifying of moments- her marriage is only two seconds away from imploding. The latter is irrational and she knows that. Despite Mark’s words, she had managed to find someone that loves her -truly and wholly loves her- despite all of her issues. Who sees past her messiness and busts his ass to help her finally move on and heal from her past. Who looks at her like she’s the most amazing and beautiful woman in the world; who would remind her of that until his very last breath and who -regardless how much it DOES annoy him- always tries to reassure her that things are just fine. He doesn’t care about the other women that check him out or show him attention or even the balls to try and get close. Always finding ways to assure her that he only has eyes for her; a man of few words that never shies away from pledging his unwavering love and faithfulness. No matter how many times she needs to hear it.

Her mother. She’s the one to truly blame for how fucked up her brain is. That lack of maternal instincts and the pure hatred she’d often shown. She had never let Esme forget that she was a mistake; a ‘change of life’ baby that never should have happened in the first place. On the worst of days, she’d often say that she’d wished she’d never even had her. That she should have ignored Esme’s father’s begging and pleadings to keep the baby. They hadn’t needed another mouth to feed; five boys was more than enough and another kid only caused financial strain and emotional strife. Her mother had always refused to acknowledge her own issues that had caused so many problems; her constant cheating, her lack of maternal instincts, her own biases when it came to her children. Even decades later she refuses to accept any responsibility; laughing off any mention of parental neglect or favouritism and shunning any and all suggestion that she was -and still is- emotionally abusive and an expert at psychological warfare.

While there’s no proof that those exact same things exist in Alannah’s home, Esme does hang onto an old adage passed down by Doctor Klein: “if things are that bad out in the open, they’re even worse behind closed doors.” If Alannah’s parents are so ‘out there’ with their distaste for each other and with their roles as parents, things are probably much darker and direr at home. And if she can give the kid a glimpse of a somewhat normal family and the experience of having siblings and people around her that do value her and appreciate her and show her attention and affection, it’s the least she can do. It’s too late to mend her own issues and it’s not possible to go back and time to change things, but she CAN alter Alannah’s present AND future.

Desi arrived at ten. Quite the baker and chef himself, he had offered to help Tanner in his culinary pursuits; bringing over his most expensive pots, pans and baking sheets and a stash of both exotic and common ingredients for the ten year old to experiment with. And with Millie the only other child left in the house, it had given her the opportunity for a little ‘me time’; the rest of the kids having gone with their father to assist in his pursuit for last minute Christmas gifts and the items she’d jotted down a list prepared right before he stepped out the front door. Some time in the gym had done her a world of good. Forty five minutes on both the treadmill and the rowing machine, followed by some time with the weights and working up a sweat punching and kicking at the heavy bag; the latter successfully enabling her to shed the anger and bitterness towards Mark, her own mother, and Alannah’s parents.

While she isn’t quite nearly as devoted and motivated as her husband is -often working out twice a day, two to three hours at a time- when it comes to fitness, she find it DOES help; getting her heart rate up and her adrenaline flowing a rather successful combination when it comes to her battle with her mental health woes and her ongoing battle with her self esteem. The latter becoming worse with the arrival of the last set of twins and her inability to shed the remaining twenty pounds -out of forty five- that she’d gained while pregnant with them. She’s nowhere near who and what she’d been before she’d begun having children; missing how skinny yet fit she’d been and how every piece of clothing she’d owned or tried on had seemed to fit so perfectly.

Tyler always rolls his eyes when she brings it up.Quick to remind her that a lot has changed since they first met; he doesn’t expect her to be the same person, in the same way she doesn’t expect him to be either. And that’s a good thing, he’d point out, and then thoroughly list all the ways they’ve both evolved for the better. He’d get that mischievous glitter to his eyes and he’d give that cheeky grin and he’d talk about how much he enjoys her body now; all that ‘extra cushioning’ in all the right places. And then he’d kiss her and embrace her as tight as her body would allow him to and everything would seem right and perfect in the world once again. Those big, strong arms never failing to make her feel safe and protected. In a way no one else has ever been able to.

******

After a long bubble bath- complete with scented candles and a glass of wine- she finally heads downstairs; braiding her still damp hair and securing it with an elastic and letting it dangle over the front of her shoulder. Desi is in the living room; surrounded by plastic tote boxes filled to the brim with various Christmas ornaments that he’s in the middle of organizing. The tree had arrived earlier and now sits in its stand in front of the living room window; seven feet tall and wide and full and filling the house with the fresh and unmistakable scent of pine. The kids are already excited to decorate. Even the normally quick to bore Millie looking forward to what has turned into quite the year event; Chinese take out and hot chocolate stirred with candy canes and the fireplace on while Christmas carols play on the stereo. It’s just a little ‘something’; a simple and silly little tradition that they’d adopted when they’d first moved back to Australia and have been indulging in ever since. There’s been many more adopted; both trying to give their kids the experiences they never had growing up.

“Thought maybe you fell asleep,” Desi says in a way of greeting. “Not that I’d blame you. Isn’t often you get time away from all the kiddos.”

“As nice as a nap sounds, the bath hit the spot. I may or may not have refilled the tub with hot water three times. Just to drag it out a bit. You’ve been busy. You don’t have to organize and clean my house every time you come over. I’m more than happy just to spend time with YOU.”

“A little help here and there is a good thing. Little T was helping me go through things and make them a little easier for you to find. We’ve got shortbread and sugar cookies in one oven, brownies and squares in the other. He’s in his glory that kid. Quite the little baker, ain’t he? He’s got skills. A mighty keen palate.”

“Wouldn’t surprise me at all if he becomes rich and famous for his cooking and baking one day. He’s a talent. In many ways.”

“He’s a good kid. A damn good kid. Reminds me of you in a lot of ways. Got quite a bit of momma in him. And he sure thinks the world of her, too.”

“He’s always been close to me. Since we lived in Colorado. He became quite the momma’s boy when things…” her voice trails off and she reaches into one of the boxes and pulls out a strand of rose gold garland. “...when things weren’t so good between Tyler and I.”

“That bad?”

“Bad enough. We split up. For six months.”

“No shit?”

“No shit. He went through some things. That were totally out of his control. And he made some decisions that weren’t the best. I had to kick him out.”

“You kicked him out? You? As madly and crazily in love as you are?”

“I did. He got back into the booze and the pain meds and he became a totally different person and I didn’t want that around the kids. So I told him to go. That once he got his shit together and could put us before his issues and his job, he could come back. Took him half a year, but…” she shrugs and tosses the garland onto the couch. “...it all worked out in the end. We got back together and we fought like hell to make things work. And here we are. Twelve years into things. And a hell of a lot better and stronger than we’ve ever been. He’s changed. We both have. We’ve come a long way.”

“And Little T?”

“He picked sides. He was three years old. Just a baby still. But he’d seen and heard enough and it affected him way more than it did TJ and Millie. He was scared of his dad. For a long time. Not that Tyler ever did anything to scare him; he never yelled at the kids or hit them or did anything to frighten them. We fought. A lot. And those fights got pretty bad. A lot of yelling and a lot of really horrible things said to each other. Things we can’t take back, unfortunately.”

“But you got past all that. Obviously.”

“We did. I mean, we didn’t MEAN the things we said. They were said out of anger and hurt; none of it was ever intentional. But that sticks with you, you know? You didn’t mean what you said and you hate yourself for saying any of it, but you still did it. And you can’t go back and erase it. Those words existed. Sadly.”

“You can’t dwell on it, Big E. You just can’t. Y’all got past it, am I right? You got back together, you said yourself you’re better and stronger than ever. And I highly doubt he holds all that against you; shit that happened years ago.”

“I know he doesn’t. But I also know he holds it against himself.”

“Well, that’s the bipolar part of things. Keeps the bad shit in his head and reminds him of it during the down moments. He’s doing okay with that? All that shit in his head?”

“He is. He’s been remarkably...well..for someone with the diagnosis he has. I’m proud of him. For handling things like he has. He just copes with it all. Way better than I thought he would. It’s been five years and there’s been no real issues. He takes his meds and he goes to therapy and he manages it all well. I’m proud of him. So proud. He’s done really well. He’s a tough shit, that’s for sure. Probably the toughest person I’ve ever known.”

“You mean when you’re NOT looking in the mirror?”

Esme laughs. “I am not THAT tough. I put on a good front.”

“You’re a tough cookie for a tiny little thing. All the things you’ve told me? That you’ve been through over the past twelve and a bit years? You shouldn’t underestimate yourself like you do.”

“It’s been...interesting...to say the least.”

It isn’t something she speaks so openly and honestly about; how she and Tyler met and everything that had happened in Dhaka and the decisions she’d made on the Sultana Kamal Bridge. It isn’t exactly a topic you’re comfortable discussing with just anyone; your husband being a mercenary and a former alcoholic and painkiller addict with mental health issues. But Desi is trustworthy; kind and compassionate with a heart even bigger than his already enormous body. And it helps to have a confidant; someone to spill even your deepest and darkest secrets to without the worry of being judged.

“I found these,” Desi snags a shoebox off the coffee table and opens the lid as he presents it to her. “Look homemade.”

She peels back the layer of tissue paper and smiles at the contents revealed. “Salt dough ornaments. I remember making them with Millie. We were still in Telluride. Our third Christmas there. I hadn’t even gotten pregnant with Declan yet. God, that seems like a long time ago.”

“There’s four there, though. If you hadn’t had Declan yet, there’d only be three, would there not?”

“That’s not Declan’s.” She carefully plucks out the fourth ornament in question; gingerly turning it over in her palm as she inspects it. The same size and shape as the others, but with the added ‘extra’ of a halo that a then three year old Millie had decorated with gold glitter. It had been her idea; an ornament for the brother that she’d never get to meet but insisted was still very much part of their family. “That’s Austin’s.”

“Austin? Who is Austin? You have another kid I don’t know about? A baby you lost or…”

“Austin wasn’t mine. He was Tyler’s son. From his first marriage.”

“Excuse me….what?”

“He was married. Before me. In the same way I was married before him.”

“You never told me about that. You being the second Missus Rake.”

“There was never really a reason to talk about it. She was his high school sweetheart. They got married pretty much right after graduation. Then he joined the military. Austin arrived a little while later. When he was twenty five.”

“What happened between them? Things went bad or…?”

“It wasn’t the healthiest of marriages. They were young. Probably rushed into things. He was gone a lot and she wasn’t happy being an army wife.”

“And the kid? Does he see him? Do they live in Australia too or…?”

“Austin died.” She finds herself both fighting back a flood of threatening tears and speaking around a lump of emotion sitting square in her throat. “When he was six. Long before I ever knew Tyler.”

“I’m sorry,” Desi lays a comforting hand on her shoulder. “You don’t have to talk about it if…”

“It’s okay. It’s good to talk about it. About HIM. We’ve never hidden it from the kids. We’ve always been open and honest about things. Our past lives, the fact we were both married before, how they’d have another sibling if things had gone differently. There’s never been a reason NOT to tell about those things. It’s all part of who we are. All plays a role in how we got to where we are now. In one way or another.”

“Was he sick? Was there an accident or….?”

“He had lymphoma. It was very aggressive and pretty far along when the doctors finally caught it. The kid didn’t stand a chance. He didn’t last long. Even with chemo and radiation. It was bad. Very, very bad. Just a horrible thing for a kid to go through.”

“And for his folks to see.”

“It was a really bad time. For them. As a family. And Tyler…” she swipes at the tears that manage to escape. “...he was never the same after that. It really did a number on him. I know he seems all big and bad and fearless and intimidating but he’s got such a huge heart. He loves big and he loves deep. You see how he is; with the kids.”

“Definitely loves being a daddy. And they definitely love him.”

“He’s an amazing dad. I couldn’t have asked or wished for a better father for my children. And in a way, losing Austin made him the dad that he is. It was rough. On him. It still is.”

“It’s a hell of a thing. Losing a kid. Can’t imagine what it’s like seeing your own flesh and blood suffer like that. It was bad enough for me; seeing my husband go through what he did. I can’t imagine watching a kid go through that.”

“I often wonder what would happen if one of the kids got sick. If he could even handle it. I mean, once is enough. Imagine having to deal with that AGAIN? And I hate that my brain even goes there. That I immediately think of something like that. He’s tough and he’s strong and he’s resilient. But I don’t think he could handle that. If anything happened to one of the kids or me…”

“He’d deal with it. It’s what we do. When we love someone. But you need to get out of your head, Big E. I mean, it’s beautiful nine times out of ten. But that last remaining bit…”

“It’s a mess. I’m the first to admit that. I can’t believe I’m this emotional over this. It’s a Christmas ornament, for crying out loud.”

“It’s what it represents. It’s your husband’s pain. So it’s your pain too.”

“For years we never even put the ornament on the tree. Tyler couldn’t handle seeing it. So I just put it away. Until he was ready for it to be out. And then one year, he did it himself; got it out of the box and hung it on the tree and that was that. We’ve been putting it up since.”

“Is that why their marriage broke up? The kid getting sick?”

“There were other problems. It wasn’t a good marriage. For many reasons.” She lays the ornament back in the box and carefully covers it with the layer of tissue paper. “But I guess in the end, it worked out okay. For me anyway. We wouldn’t have met. Had things NOT fallen apart. I can’t say I wish I could go back and change things. Because if I could do it…”

“Change one thing, change everything. The butterfly effect.”

“Whatever you do, do not bring that up to Tyler. Not the butterfly effect itself. The movie. Don’t talk about Ashton Kutcher to him. He’s got this deep rooted and unexplainable hate for him.”

“I feel the same way about Justin Timberlake. You know what I call him? Just to be an asshole? Justin Tenderbottom.”

Esme laughs at that, then sets the shoebox down on the cluttered coffee table and allows herself to be pulled into a tight hug; one of Desi’s enormous hands on the back of her head and his arm curled around her waist. She rests her forehead against his chest; the tears coming easily and effortlessly now. It’s a hurt she’s never been quite able to explain; a painful and long lasting mourning for a child that she never knew.

“You’re a good little wife, Big E. I know for a fact that he thinks the sun rises and sets on you. That you’re the best damn thing that’s ever happened to him.”

“He said that?” Esme sniffles noisily and looks up at her friend. “He admitted that to you?”

“He did. And he’s said a lot about you. All good things, too. You are definitely the center of his entire universe. And you know what? It’s a horrible thing that happened. To his son. To him. But if it hadn’t? Well you wouldn’t have what you have now. Those seven kids you got? None of them would exist. And if you ask me? This world is a better place because they do.”

“Mum!” Tanner calls, as he slowly makes his way from the kitchen; oven mitts on his hands as he carefully carries a mug of tea. “I made you a drink! I knew you’d want one. You always have tea right after a bath.”

Smiling, she pulls away from Desi and uses the bottom of her t-shirt to wipe away the tears that stain her cheeks. “You know me very well, sweet boy. You didn’t use the stove though, did you? To boil the water? You know you’re not supposed to do that if there isn’t an adult with you.”

“I used the coffee maker. Daddy showed me how. I know what I’m doing. And it’s safe. I can’t hurt myself. Three milk and no sugar,” he presents her with the mug, a proud smile plastered from ear to ear. “Just like you like it.”

“It’s perfect,” she says, and takes his face in her hands and presses a kiss to the top of his head. “And so are you. The most perfect and precious Nugget EVER.”

****

Two hours later she finds herself lounging in the sunroom; legs stretched out and socked feet against the window, laptop opened and resting on her thighs. It’s a double helping of work; two businesses to keep running smoothly even when thousands of miles away. Scheduling and payroll and Christmas bonuses to take care of for the bookshop employees, emails from potential clients needing fast and efficient ‘solutions’ to serious problems in areas all over the world. Word travels in the mercenary life; a rather tight knit yet extremely competitive circle that moves fast. People with money want the best; someone that chooses a life of relative secrecy yet possesses an astounding and well respected reputation. The list of ‘regulars’ is long and plentiful, and each brings more people into the game; word of mouth making or breaking a company such as theirs. There’s never a lack of work; over forty guys -some with years of experience that had bailed from competitors- employed and constantly climbing. But Christmas is the one holiday where they DO take a break; referring anyone that needs a job done to Anil. He doesn’t take his role of a husband and a father as seriously; dedicated to his work and refusing to let anyone -even his own wife and children- get in the way.. He’s a good man and treats Nik and the girls well; providing for them and protecting them and making sure they never go without. But his loyalties remain with his business, and he is never shy when it comes to admitting or defending it.

She forwards him the emails and then focuses her attention on the bookstore; balancing the books and checking the profits and sending out payroll and bonuses. It’s been a quiet end to the morning; Milie and Alannah upstairs in her bedroom playing on the computer and watching movies, Tanner and Desi finishing their first round of baking and using their break to head outside to play in the snow. She watches them now; Desi’s big body lumbering around the yard as he chases Tanner, who occasionally allows himself to be scooped up and tossed into the nearest snow pile. That high pitched and giggle makes her smile; picturing Tanner’s enormous smile that crinkles the bridge of his nose and the corners of those brilliant blue eyes. He doesn’t form bonds easily; leery of new people and finding it difficult to make friends. But he’d taken easily to Desi. Once saying that it was the man’s deep yet soothing voice that won him over. Along with a gentle smile and warm brown eyes that let Tanner know that their neighbour was a good person with a good heart.

The doorbell sounds just as she finishes and sends off the store’s schedule for January. The melodic chime setting off a flurry of activity and noises; both dogs -stirred for their naps in front of the front room fireplace- now barking in unison, paws sliding across hardwood flooring as they scramble for the door. It’s soon followed by Millie’s footsteps; seeming unusually thunderous and heavy as they rush down the stairs. Accompanied by that thick Aussie accent she’s adopted within the last five years; yelling at Saju and Mac to lie down and shut up and behave or she’ll throw them out in the snow. It’s hardly a threat; both preferring the sun and the sand and their romps in the ocean, but quite accustomed to the cold weather and snow beneath their feet.

“Mum!” Millie bellows in an effort to be heard over the continued barking. “Some lady’s at the door! She wants to see dad!”

“He’s not home!”

“I know that! But she wants to talk to someone! And I don’t want it to be me!”

Smirking, she snaps the lid closed on the laptop and sets it on the coffee table; grimacing at the tightness in her lower back as she gets to her feet. The pain and discomfort is new over the course of the last five years; a small mistake made during the epidural while in labour with the twins resulting in long term damage. It sucks; your body betraying you when you’ve been so selfless and willing to keep other human beings alive inside of you. Pulling the sides of her cardigan sweater tighter around her body, she crosses her arms over her chest as she heads for the front of the house; soles of her UGG slippers lightly squeaking against the wood flooring. They’d been yet another one of her husband’s surprise gifts; a neatly wrapped package accompanied by a bouquet of Australian wildflowers that had shown up a day after he’d left for Cambodia. He’s become a master at it; showering both her and the kids with both simple and elaborate gifts. Claiming that it makes him happy to do it; spending his own childhood going without while his father used their money for booze. And it’s a way of making up for all his past mistakes as well; doing whatever he can to be a good husband and father and erase the mistakes of the past that continue to haunt him.

The woman at the door is tall and blond; clad in a disgustingly expensive leather coat with fur trim, the ends of her wavy platinum hair tumbling out from under the edge of a burgundy wool beret that perfectly matches her heavily painted lips. The smile she gives is phony; the look of dismay and disgust readily apparent as her eyes take in Esme’s more casual and relaxed look. It isn’t the first time she’s seen a look like THAT; the housewives on the school yard and at the soccer park have long perfected it, along with their snide comments about how ‘boring and plain Jane’ she is and how they can’t fathom how someone like Tyler could stand being with someone like her.

“She’s here to see dad,” Millie says. “I said he wasn’t home, but…”

“It’s okay,” Esme assures her, then nods down at the curious and rambunctious dogs now gathered at her feet. “Can you put these guys outside? Before they give me a migraine?”

Nodding, Millie slaps her hand against her thigh; a well used sign that dogs have learned means they should follow her. And they happily cooperate; their tails wagging energetically and their bodies pressed against the eleven year old’s legs as she leads the way through the house.

“She’s very…charming.”

Esme glances up at the woman standing in front of her, and manages a polite yet terse smile of her own. “Well, what can I say? She’s her father’s daughter. Can I help you?”

“You must be Emily.”

“Esme. My name is Esme. Not Emily.”

“That’s a very unusual name. A little...odd...in this day and age.”

“It’s actually quite common. Very old and classic. I was named after my great, great grandmother. And she was born in the eighteen hundreds, so…”

“I’m Natalie.” She doesn’t bother to offer a hand, electing instead to keep a firm hold on the plastic container she tightly clutches.

“That’s very plain. Natalie. Kind of boring. Guess you didn’t have any unusual and odd relatives to be named after.”

The corners of the woman’s turn up in a slight smirk.

“Can I help you? Is there a reason you’re here? Asking for my husband?”

“I’m here to see Tyler.”

“And our daughter told you he isn’t home. Which wasn’t an invite to stick around. I’m sure whatever you want to talk to him about, can wait until he IS here. Or, I could just give him a message and then he can decide whether he wants to talk to you or not. I wouldn’t hold your breath; he isn’t the chattiest person on the block. Why ARE you here? Is there something I can help you with or…?”

“I was hoping to speak to him.”

“And for the third time, you’re being told he’s not home. So sorry, Tyler can’t come out to play right now. And unless there’s something you want to say to me….”

“We met yesterday. He was at the park. With your son. The handicapped one.”

Once more crossing her arms over her chest, she cocks her head to the side. “Excuse me?”

“Your son. With the problems. Travis, Thomas….”

“His name is Tanner. And he doesn’t have ‘problems’. He has Autism. Don’t talk about my son like that. You can come here calling on my husband all you want, but when you bring my kid into this…”

“We had a nice little chat. At the park. We just moved here. My daughter and I. It’s been hard meeting people.”

Esme smirks. “I can’t possibly imagine why.”

“He was very friendly. Welcoming. Tyler. Not Tanner. Just to be clear.”

“And…”

“And I just wanted to thank him for that. For being so nice. For making us feel like part of the neighbourhood.”

“Well I’ll be sure to tell him that. I’m sure he’ll appreciate hearing it. Is that everything or….?”

“These are for him.” Natalie offers the plastic container. “I made them myself. They’re award winning. Used to get lots of compliments on those.”

“Oh how nice. You’re offering him your cookie. I mean, cookies. That’s very sweet. I will let him know that you stopped by with your generous offer. But just so you know, he doesn’t accept...goodies...from other women. So if you’re thinking about offering him any in the future, you might want to stop while you’re ahead. I’m sure there’s other married men out there who would gladly accept. But my husband? You’re pissing in the wrong front yard.”

Natalie’s eyes narrow. “Excuse me?”

“I’m just making it clear that he doesn’t accept goodies from other women. Ever. And he never will. So if you’ve got something brewing up in that head of yours, you might want to put an end to it now. He’s not interested. And believe me, I think you’d rather hear that from me. He won’t let you down as politely and easily.”

“I don’t know what you think I’m up to, but…”

“This isn’t my first rodeo. I’ve come across plenty of women like you. And I’m just cutting to the chase. He’s not interested. Find someone else. Go after someone else’s husband. Stay away from mine.”

“I’m not after your husband. I’m just here doing something neighbourly and…”

“If it WAS something neighbourly, you would have come here to introduce yourself to ALL of us. Not just ask for him. I have to admit though, that’s pretty ballsy; showing up like this and having the nerve to talk to the wife. Most would have just left once they found out the husband wasn’t home. I’ll hand it to you; you’ve got some nerve.”

“I’m just here to be friendly. That’s it. No ulterior motive. You know, I was surprised to hear you have SEVEN kids. When I saw you the other day out in the snow with them, I thought there was no way they could all be yours. You just seemed so fresh faced and young. No way did you look like someone with THAT many children. But now up close? Well, let’s just say I’d look tired and downtrodden too if I got pregnant that many times.”

“My husband prefers the fresh faced and natural look. You know, as opposed to looking like Sephora threw up on your face. He also prefers brunettes. So that’s two strikes against you. Is there anything else? Other than your cookie. Sorry,” Esme laughs. “I did it again. I meant ‘cookies’. Is there more or…?”

“No. I think we’re done here.”

“You know what? I think we are too. And as lovely and sweet as you are, I hope this is the first and last little visit. I hope you fully understood what I told you. About keeping your goodies out of my yard. I think I made it pretty clear.”

“You did. As a matter of fact, you…”

“Have a good day,” Esme manages a smile, then shuts the door in the woman’s face, giving a small jump when she discovers her daughter sitting in the middle of the stairs; her arms crossed over her chest and a scowl on her face.

“What a bitch,” Millie grumbles.

“Normally I’d give you hell for the language, but right? She was, wasn’t she?”

“Huge. A huge bitch. You should have throat punched her, mum. She deserved it.”

“You can’t just go around throat punching everyone that pisses you off. If you could, I’d be exhausted. Or in jail.”

“I can’t believe she’d come here asking for dad,” Millie says, as she stands and takes the stairs two at a time, following her mother towards the back of the house. “How rude is that? Asking for another woman’s husband? That’s some goddamn nerve.”

“She’s probably used to getting what she wants. And WHO she wants.”

“Well she can’t have dad. He doesn’t want her. He doesn’t want anyone. Just you. Think she got the point? That she better not try and mess with him? I think you went way too easy on her. I think you should have thrown down. You could have taken her. For sure.”

“Some women don’t care, Millie. They’ll continue to mess around with married guys no matter how times they’ve been warned to back off. Maybe she’s one of them. Maybe this isn’t the last we’ve seen of her. Who knows.”

“If she knows what’s good for her, she’ll stay away. You were tame. Dad won’t be. He won’t be nice.”

“Maybe that’s what she needs. She needs a man to tell her where to go and how to get there. If there’s one thing your dad is a professional at, it’s telling people off. Don’t worry about her ; she’s harmless. Your dad wouldn’t touch her anyway. He’s not the type. To do things like that.”

“I think it would be hilarious to see him tell her off and really embarrass her. And what are those supposed to be?” Millie nods at the container Esme drops on the island.

“Cookies. She made them for him. Isn’t that so sweet?”

The eleven year old makes a dramatic gagging noise. “She probably poisoned them. In hopes you’d eat them. Probably wants to kill you off and become our step mother. They look like shit anyway. Throw them out. I would.”

“I’ll let your dad decide what he wants to do with them. And her. The ball is in his court now. He can decide what to do from here.”

“I hope he tells her to piss off. That’s just plain weird; coming over to some married guy's house and asking for him. On what planet is that okay to do?”

“None. It’s very unusual. To say the least. But like I said, don’t worry about her. Your dad wouldn’t do something like that. He’s a lot of things, but a cheater isn’t one of them. That is the last thing I’m worried about.”

“Good. Because she has nothing on you. She’s all phoney looking. But that fur wasn’t. On her coat. I bet she’s obnoxious enough to wear real fur. What a cow. She should have been throat punched for that alone. Don’t worry, mum. You’re way better than she is. You’re real and you’re cute and tiny. And dad loves you. ONLY you.”

“Your dad is the last person I worry about. Other women? I definitely worry about them. Your dad? Never. I trust him. A hundred percent. And speaking of your father, I hope Alannah likes Mexican. Dad’s bringing some home for lunch.”

“She loves it. She loves all the same things I do.” Picking the container of cookies up off the counter, she peels back one of the corners and sniffs at the contents; frowning and making a gagging noise before setting them back down. “They’re not even good cookies. Oatmeal raisin! The abomination of cookies! Dad HATES oatmeal raisin. He says there’s nothing worse than biting into one and expecting it to be chocolate chip, only to discover it’s oatmeal raisin.”

“Your dad loves Vegemite. So excuse me if I don’t take his taste in food seriously.”

“Vegemite is awesome, mom. You don’t know what you’re missing.”

“Yes. I do. Which is why I don’t eat it. If I wanted to eat shit, I would. Everything okay? You and Alannah getting along alright?”

“She’s my best friend. In the whole world. I love her. And we always have an awesome time and we never get tired of each other. But there’s something I need to ask you. About her.”

“Okay…” Esme slides onto one of the bar stools at the island. “...what’s up?”

“I’m worried about her. The way things are at home. Her parents are horrible. They don’t even want her around. And when she is around them, they just ignore her. They don’t even talk to her. They don’t ask about her day at school or about her friends or anything like that. They don’t even know what her favourite movie or tv show is or what celebrity she has her crush on. What parent doesn’t know that stuff? You and dad know that stuff about us.”

“Dad and I care. We like knowing about you guys. You’re our kids. Why wouldn’t we?”

“Well Alannah’s their kid and they don’t give a crap about her. I mean, they’re leaving her at Christmas! How horrible is that? Who just dumps their kid off on someone at Christmas?”

“Millie, not everyone has the life you do. Not everyone has parents that love them. Not everyone has a mom and dad that wants to be involved in their lives. I didn’t have it. Your dad didn’t have it. And unfortunately, Laney doesn’t have it. It sucks. Believe me, I know.”

“But what if we could give her a family? A real family? Like you and dad did with Ovi.”

“I’m not sure if I like where this is heading…”

“She loves being here. Spending time with all of us. I mean, she was scared of dad at first. Because of how big he is and all his tattoos and scars and stuff. But she got to know him and now she loves him. And she really loves you. She always goes on and on about you. About how cool and fun you are. And tiny. Like her.”

“We love having her here. She’s a great kid. I hope she realizes she’s welcome here. Anytime.”

“She does. Which is why I want to ask you what I’m about to ask you.”

“Okay. Something tells me this is serious. What’s going on?”

"I want her to come back with us. When we go home."

“Millie, we can’t just…”

“She’s part of the family already. You and dad love her like she’s one of us. And you guys treat her great. She’d fit right in. And she’d love it there. She’d love being so close to the beach and the ocean. I know she would. And she’s not a bad kid. She’s a really good kid. You said it yourself; how great she is.”

“She IS great. She’s an awesome kid. But we can’t just take her with us.”

“Why not? Don’t you want her there?”

“Of course I want her there. But she has a mom and dad. Not very good ones, but she still has them. We can’t just take her with us. There’s this little thing called kidnapping. We can’t just take someone else’s child.”

“You took Ovi. When I was a baby.”

“We didn’t just TAKE him. We had to jump through a lot of hoops. Legally. Your dad had to go and talk to Ovi’s father and try and convince him to let us have him. It wasn’t just as simple as bringing Ovi along.”

“Dad could talk to Alannah’s parents. Talk them into letting her come with us. They’d let her. They don’t care about her anyway. We’d be taking her off their hands. They’d probably be happy about it.”

“Amelia, it just isn’t that simple. There’s a lot of red tape and legal stuff. I wish it was easier, but it’s not.”

“But would you consider it? IF her parents said okay?”

“I don’t know. Maybe? I suppose? I’d need time to think about it. I already have seven kids. Taking on an eighth?”

“It’s not like she’s a baby. All the hard work has already been done. Please, mum? Would you at least think about it?”

“If it was just as simple as talking to her parents and taking her with us, I’d say yes. In a heartbeat. But it’s NOT that easy.”

“I just want you to think about it. We’d be giving her a good life. Like you and dad gave Ovi. Will you at least think about it?”

“It’s not a decision I can make on my own, sweet pea. I’m not in this alone. I’d have to talk to your dad. I can’t just tell him we’re taking on another kid. It doesn’t work that way. He has to be on board with it.”

“Will you talk to him at least? Bring it up? Just see what he says?”

Esme nods. “I will talk to your dad. But I’m not promising anything, Millie. We have a crazy life. Your dad has his business and I have the bookstore. And there’s seven of you. Taking Alannah? That’s a big deal. That’s serious. And it’s something your dad and I would really, really have to talk about it. That’s all I can promise you. That I’ll talk to him. That’s the best I can do.” She reaches out and tucks some of the wayward strands of blond hair behind Millie’s ears. “Okay?”

“Okay, mum. And I’m sorry. For how I’ve been acting. I’m kinda bitchy lately.”

“Kinda?” Esme grins. “Just kinda?”

.“Okay, maybe A LOT. But I do love you. And I AM sorry.”

“You’re forgiven. I was your age once. I know what it was like. And it was brutal. VERY brutal. You know what that means? The mood swings, the attitude, the skin issues?”

“Aunt Flow is going to be paying a visit soon.”

Esme laughs.”Yeah, unfortunately. The joys of being a girl. You'll be alright, though. It’s a change. You’re growing up. Even I’m having a hard time with it. I still remember finding out about you. And telling your dad we were having you. Seems like forever ago now. We were so happy.”

“Dad was a little spooked. At first.”

“He was. And for good reason. He’d lost Austin and he didn't think he’d ever get to be a dad again. And then I told him about you and we hadn’t known each other that long and it was kinda scary. For both of us. But once we saw you? On that first ultrasound? And we got to hear your heartbeat? We loved you right away.”

“Dad’s miracle baby.”

“He will never, EVER, stop calling you that. He loves you so much, Millie. More than you could ever comprehend. And he’s pretty good, huh? At the whole daddy thing?”

“Yeah. I wouldn’t trade him for another dad, that’s for sure. And I wouldn’t trade you either, mum. Just so you know. I know sometimes we don’t get along well. We don’t always see eye to eye on stuff.”

“Well, you are your father’s daughter. Through and through. And your dad and I disagree a lot too. But I love you. Beyond all comprehension You’re my first. My baby girl. How could I not?”

Smiling, Millie stands behind the stool Esme’s perched on and wraps her arms around her mother’s neck. “I love you, mummy. Please don’t ever doubt that.”

“I love you too, Amelia.” She pushes her fingers through her daughter’s, then presses a kiss to one of the forearms resting across her collarbone. “And I always will.”

[pamelalillian-isley]

Old Wounds

I feel like I need to get things off of my chest. Things that have been bothering me for some time now. Things I thought I have overcome. 

 I have been told by friends, that I am strong and powerful and that I take no shit. And when it comes to their wellbeing- I am most definitely the protector and the healer.  But when it comes to myself...all those words of hope and wisdom seem to just sit on the surface. 

I haven’t been in a serious relationship since 2017. And it’s not for lack of trying. I had one “boyfriend” and it lasted a month. Before that, I was in a relationship for 7 years with an emotionally and mentally abusive man. I won’t get into describing him or who he was- as I don’t have anything positive to say about him. But I will tell you about his actions, and how they weakened me. 

I had to beg for things that should be standard. I had to beg to be touched, beg to be treated like a girlfriend. He would sit in his computer chair playing video games all the time. When I’d come over, and we wanted to watch a movie together- he never say next to me on the bed or couch or even cuddled. He was always in the chair. Needless to say our sex life was garbage because it was hard to initiate things with someone who’s head is always in a video game. I am a casual gamer myself, and tried to get him to play games with me- but he always made up some excuse as to why he couldn’t. 

Whenever a holiday came around where gifts are given (birthday, xmas, valentines, and our anniversary)- the effort was always subpar. Excuses I heard for why I received no gift, frequently were “the package is delayed” “its on backorder” and “it arrived broken so i had to send it back.” As far as the rest of the effort to make something special...it didn’t exist. Flowers? Happened ONCE, and it was because I told my best friend to suggest to him that he get me flowers for my birthday. Making plans always landed on me. He always asked “what do you want to do for valentines day/our anniversary/ your birthday” I had to provide the plans. Meaning whatever the activity was, and whatever the restaurant was - I had to pick. Whenever it was something for him (his birthday) I planned surprise parties, a dinner at a fancy expensive steak house he always wanted to try, I planned bbq’s and parties. I cooked his favorite dinners. I did what any normal woman would do for someone she loves. The energy I gave, was not returned.

I started to think, maybe I’m asking too much. Maybe I am being unreasonable? Maybe guys aren’t like they are in movies. Maybe I am being too hard on him and he’s trying his best. What guy actually tells his girlfriend she’s beautiful? That only happens in movies... 

He wasn’t trying his best. He would manipulate me into feeling bad for asking for things that should be standard. He made me feel guilty for wanting affection. He made me feel like I was needy. He would accuse me of flirting or cheating, or he would get weirdly aggressive (not physically) if another man was being nice to me. He hated that I had male friends from college and from my days of playing xbox live. He called my friends sluts and cheaters (they aren’t). He would gaslight me into thinking I was nuts. One day I came over, and when I went to kiss him...his mouth...smelled like pussy. But what did I do? I was beaten down into thinking I was nuts...I denied it. I chalked it up to me jumping to conclusions and I never even mentioned it to him. Come to find out years later- he was cheating on me...with a very close friend OF MINE. And he was doing it on and off the entirety of our relationship. 

I never looked through his phone or asked for passwords. I respected his privacy...but my gut started to tell me something was wrong. After years of crying to my best friends about how unhappy I was, I started to become suspicious of things. After I’d leave his house for the night, I would drive about 10 minutes away, and then drive pass his house to see if *her* car was there. (I was suspicious about them for a while...but i NEVER had solid proof or evidence. And i never even tried to bring it up, because he would gaslight me and say things like ‘are you sure YOU aren’t cheating and you have a guilty conscience so you’re accusing me?’) 

So my anxiety got worse, as did my depression. I have tons of other stories and examples of him being a piece of shit- but we’d be here all day, and this is already long af.

 Until one day I just couldn’t do it anymore. I woke up from a nightmare. In my dream I had basically faded away into someone I didn’t recognize. I basically turned into his mother. Not his mother like I babied him and mothered him. But I mean, I was in the same position as his mother. In real life, his mother was miserable. She hated her husband (his father). She was financially dependent on him and couldn’t work due to health issues. She dealt with a verbally, emotionally and physically abusive man. She let herself go. She gained weight, stopped doing her hair and makeup. She stopped dressing nice. She became a shell of who she was. And she would come into the room when I was over, and she’d talk to me and say shit like “I wish I had money. I’d take my kids and gtfo” (my ex had a younger brother). In hindsight, I think she was trying to warn me. I think whenever she came in to vent and to talk and say things like “i wish I could leave him”- i think she saw what was happening...and I think she was dropping hints.  Anyway, in my dream....my life ended up just like hers. 

I woke up in a panic and sweaty. I called him and told him I couldn’t do it anymore. I told him it was over. That I wasn’t happy, and I didn’t want to beg him for attention. I didn’t want to beg him to treat me like a girlfriend. Afterword he went on facebook and posted “7 years down the drain with a phone call” as his status. THE FUCKING AUDACIDTY. A few days later he wanted to meet up to talk. I thought he was going to come clean, or apologize for being a shit head and try to get me back. No. Instead he took that opportunity to shit on me. All those things he told me he loved about me, he used against me. He said I emasculated him. He said I was too aggressive, too needy, too much. He then accused me of infidelity and yelled “you can go back to whoever you’re fucking now" as we walked away to our separate cars. 

A week after I broke up with him, I had found out that he was indeed cheating on me with that girl, the entire time. I found out, that because I was out of the picture, they were openly together. To my surprise I wasn’t pissed. I laughed. I actually laughed for a solid 5 minutes. I felt....vindicated. Because what my gut had told me the entire time WAS true. I WASN’T crazy. I knew it the whole fucking time. 

And now I was free. To be honest I ended up spiraling out a bit. Got into cocaine and alcohol to numb the feeling that I wasted 7 years with someone like that. I was so angry at myself for not leaving sooner, for ignoring those red flags, for losing myself and who I was. I stayed in that spiral of doom for about a year.

 Things started to get better and I thought “lets try some casual dating.” What a terrible idea. Not only had I just gotten over the trauma, but I hadn’t fully healed. My worth felt....worthless. The bar was SO FUCKING LOW, that I attracted total idiot fuck boys. “Oh my god he called me beautiful”  *insert eyeroll here*

Its been 4 years now. I do want to be in a relationship. I have tried. But it always comes up short. They either don’t want to commit, or they’re alcoholics, or they’re misogynists'. Mostly its been men who don’t want to commit. Everyone just wants to fuck and run. I tried the fun, no strings attached thing. It got old really fast. Either I caught feelings, OR the sex ended up being boring because I prefer sex with emotions. I prefer being really into someone romantically when having sex. So FWB isn’t for me. 

But I am slowly accepting that maybe I won’t ever meet anyone. That maybe I’ll be that cool wacky aunt to my friends kids. A majority of my friends are married and some already have kids. I am already their crazy auntie. And maybe that’s my roll in life. Maybe I will be that woman who never marries, but travels the world and experiences life and has amazing stories and wisdom. 

But deep down inside....I’d really like to know what it feels like to be loved. I am loved by friends and family. But I have never experienced what its like to be loved romantically. I have never been kissed by someone who loves me. 

[vavuska]

AUGUST 9, 2020

Body positivity and false myths about health.

Introduction

Today, the revered ideal body consists of a tall, slender physique known as the thin-ideal. This idealized image that has been constructed by the media via magazines, movies and advertising campaigns is having adverse effects on the lives of many women, such that more than half of the women are troubled by certain aspects of their appearance and are not accepting of their bodies as a whole. The preoccupation or obsession with their physical appearance has trapped Western women into subscribing to unhealthy narratives such as "I must be thin to be accepted and loved", "A thin body will make me happy", "Dieting will help me lose weight" or "Thinness equals beauty". These nagging voices often overrun women's lives and are linked to various psychological disturbances such as depression, eating disorders, anxieties, countless addictions, BDD, as well as low self-esteem (Rieves & Cash, 1996), relationship difficulties, and sexual dysfunctions (Dworkin & Kerr, 1987).

In addition to noting that people with perceived obesity (again, not medically diagnosed, just perceived) will experience microaggression, bullying, discrimination in housing, employment, education, and healthcare, Phelan notes that their interactions with healthcare professionals is directly affected by size bias.

In these studies by the Mayo Clinic, primary care physicians reported spending less time with obese patients, less communication, and open belief in stereotypes: this patient is lazy, undisciplined, and less likely to adhere to medical advice.

These negative interactions statistically raise a patient’s chances to: delay cancer screenings and routine care, avoid routine check ups, and are more likely to have unreported diagnostic errors.

This isn’t healthy. This isn’t saving or changing any lives. This is having the opposite effect, and it is happening precisely in the places where we are suppose to be receiving “help.”

What is body positivity?

Body Positivity is a social movement rooted in the belief that all human beings should have a positive body image, in doing so it challenges the ways in which society presents and views the physical body. The movement advocates the acceptance of all bodies no matter the form, size, or appearance.

I personally like the 4 Principles of Body Positivity conceptualized by Body Positivity Activist:

ACCEPTANCE OF WHAT IS: Our bodies as is (healthy, sick, skinny, fat, missing a leg, cancer survivors, and black, white, purple, blue and everything else,) deserve respect, visibility, acceptance and have intrinsic value.

REJECTION OF “BEAUTY” STANDARDS: Body-shaming of all types has been shown to yield detrimental long-term psychological effects such as negative body image, depression, anxiety, and a multitude of eating disorders. It serves no benefits, so we reject it entirely.

ACCEPTANCE OF CHANGE: Changes to our bodies—sickness, ailments, aging, pregnancy, surgery, accidents/trauma, putting on weight, losing weight, ALL of it—should be accepted, and should not diminish the value, respect, visibility of our bodies.

TOTAL INCLUSIVITY: Body positivity is inclusive of all bodies, not just those considered to be “fat” or obese,considering most humans are socialized to have negative perceptions of their bodies.

In short, body positivity and its principles are about acceptance, inclusivity, and respect. First aspect to notice: these are all social ideas, not medical ones. Why naysayers of body positivity consistently bring up the promotion of obesity when fat bodies are displayed is a mystery to me.

The second aspect of its definition one must notice: body positivity does not “promote” any body type. It is simply stating that all body types have intrinsic value. We certainly agree with this as a society. If you intentionally hurt someone’s body--again, regardless of the look, age, or state of that body--we consider that a crime. Body positivity simply concurs with this logic.

Lastly, body positivity by definition does not purport that evolution, change, and/or a healthy lifestyle is unacceptable. You can be body positive and be healthy. In fact, body positivity promotes taking care of yourself.

1 - “Your weight is entirely within your control, you are just being lazy”

As a random guy wrote on Facebook: “Body positivity is appreciating things that are beyond your control, like the colour of your eyes, skin colour, hair texture, height, etc. Weight is entirely within your control...if you eat a lot, you will get fat. Body positivity enables gluttony which is a slap to the face for underprivileged people everywhere in the world.”

That's not entirely true: gaing wight could be caused by hormones (pregnancy, menopause, ecc), genetics (for e.g. Peter Will syndrome) other medical condition linked to endocrines such as Cushing's syndrome or a malfunction of thyroid (hypothyroidism).

The involvement of genetic factors in the development of obesity is estimated to be 40–70%. Some of these obesogenic or leptogenic genes may influence obese individuals response to weight loss or weight management.

To date, more than 400 different genes have been implicated in the causes of overweight or obesity, although only a handful appear to be major players. Genes contribute to the causes of obesity in many ways, by affecting appetite, satiety (the sense of fullness), metabolism, food cravings, body-fat distribution, and the tendency to use eating as a way to cope with stress.

The strength of the genetic influence on weight disorders varies quite a bit from person to person. Research suggests that for some people, genes account for just 25% of the predisposition to be overweight, while for others the genetic influence is as high as 70% to 80%.

Obesity or overweight is not concerned about gluttony. It could depend on a lot of factors: physical and psychological. It is proved that people with depression or anxiety may experience weight gain or weight loss due to their condition or the medications that treat them. Depression and anxiety can both be associated with overeating, poor food choices, and a more sedentary lifestyle. Over time, weight gain may eventually lead to obesity.

Body positivity is about being conformable in our skins. Appreciating what we are and what we have. Body positivity does not promote any form of body, differently of what our media do.

2 — “You cold loose some weight, if you put in some dedication”

This one deleted the previous comment in which he used abused, starving people in Auschwitz to promote a diet, but I have his second one: “I meant that the problem with losing weight is just calories you eat vs calories you burn, of course the amount of calories you burn depend on hormones and a lot of other things. However, everyone can burn more calories by exercising. The Auschwitz prisoners were just an example that it is possible to lose weight, no matter the circumstances, if you REALLY put your mind to it. How you go about increasing the gap between the calories you consume and the ones you burn is up to you. Also, long term, even a 100kcal deficit per day can help you lose weight. You dont have to starve yourself to lose weight.”

Loosing weight is not always a good thing and it is not as easy like those people think.

Muscle does weigh more than fat because it is a denser product. On average, the density of fat is 0.9g/ml. The density of muscle is 1.1 g/ml. Using the averages, 1 liter of muscle weights 1.06 kg or 2.3 lbs., while 1 liter of fat weights .9 kg, or 1.98 lbs. An easier way to think of it might be: if you have an equal volumn of fat and muscle, fat is going to weigh about 80% of what the muscle weighs. This can vary due to numerous factors including race, being extremely lean or being extremely obese according to “Exercise Physiology” by William D. McArdle, et al.

The ‘take away’ points are:

Yes, muscle weighs more than fat. But….. do not assume because you started working out and you are not losing weight it is because you are increasing muscle.

The higher percent muscle you have on your body the smaller your clothing size because muscle takes up less space than fat.

On the other hand, if you are loosing weight, don't presume you are necessarly loosing fat, you could also lost muscles and this is not a good thing.

For that guy, don't eat is the solution to every weight problem. This leads to a thing called anorexia (which is one of the most painful consequences of the idealization of a “perfect body shape” myth portrayed by media). And, again, this guy really thinks that abused starving people are a good example to promote a diet. He seems to doesn't know how work human body and that if you don't eat as much to sustain your body, you will begin to feel always tired, weak and such because your body doesn't have enaugh energy to consume. We will see this in the next point.

3 — “You better have a diet”

I use the word "diet" in this context to refer to any set of restrictive food rules (barring true medical and ethical concerns). If you are feeling guilt and shame about your food choices, it is likely that you are approaching the experience of eating from a "diet mentality."

The word "diet" often has a negative connotation, so many people prefer to say they are making a “lifestyle change.” But if your lifestyle change entails rigid food rules that invoke guilt when broken, you are probably on a diet, even if in disguise. And the truth is, the diet industry wants us to "fail" so that we will continue to purchase their products. When you jump on the latest fad bandwagon, you support a multi-billion dollar industry that profits by convincing us we are inherently flawed.

Diets do not help you maintain weight loss long-term. The idea that people fail at diets because of a lack of willpower is a myth perpetuated by the diet industry. Powerful biological factors essentially ensure that your attempt at dieting will fail. Researcher Traci Mann, who has studied dieting for more than 20 years, found that there are metabolic, hormonal, and neurological changes that contribute to "diet failure."

According to Mann, "When you are dieting, you actually become more likely to notice food. . . But you don't just notice it—it actually begins to look more appetizing and tempting." Mann also stated that as you begin to lose weight, "the hormones that make you feel hungry increase" and "the hormones that help you feel full, or the level of those rather, decreases."

For the average adult in a resting state, the brain consumes about 20 percent of the body’s energy. The brain’s primary function — processing and transmitting information through electrical signals — is very, very expensive in terms of energy use.

The exact percentages are difficult to ascertain, but we have pretty good estimates of where that energy is going, though it varies by the area of the brain. In the cerebral cortex of mice, about a quarter of the brain’s energy goes to maintaining the neurons and glial cells themselves — the processes that all cells go through to remain alive. The remaining 75 percent is used for signaling — sending and processing electrical signals across the brain’s circuits. These numbers seem to be very similar in humans.

The brain is an energy-hungry organ. Despite comprising only 2 percent of the body’s weight, the brain gobbles up more than 20 percent of daily energy intake. Because the brain demands such high amounts of energy, the foods we consume greatly affect brain function, including everything from learning and memory to emotions.

Just like other cells in the body, brain cells use a form of sugar called glucose to fuel cellular activities. This energy comes from the foods we consume daily and is regularly delivered to brain cells (called neurons) through the blood.

As Mann explains, when you diet, "Your metabolism slows down. Your body uses calories in the most efficient way possible... When your body finds a way to run itself on fewer calories there tends to be more left over, and those get stored as fat."

Thus, it is no surprise that studies show that 95 percent of people will "fail" at diets. Most people can lose weight in the short-term; however, over time the majority will regain the weight they lost—and potentially gain even more. Working to suppress your weight below your natural body weight is ultimately a fruitless effort—in fact, it's an utter waste of time.

4 — “Being overweight or obese means being unhealthy”

Studies have found that anywhere from one-third to three-quarters of people classified as obese are metabolically healthy. They show no signs of elevated blood pressure, insulin resistance or high cholesterol. Meanwhile, about a quarter of non-overweight people are what epidemiologists call “the lean unhealthy.” A 2016 study that followed participants for an average of 19 years found that unfit skinny people were twice as likely to get diabetes as fit fat people. Habits, no matter your size, are what really matter. Dozens of indicators, from vegetable consumption to regular exercise to grip strength, provide a better snapshot of someone’s health than looking at them from across a room.

According to an article in The Nutrition Journal by Dr. Linda Bacon and Lucy Aphramor, "Most epidemiological studies find that people who are overweight or moderately obese live at least as long as normal weight people, and often longer."

So, you can be under or normal weight, but that's doesn't make necessarly much more healthy than a overweight people. You can't say that a person is not "healthy" by judging on their physical appearance.

Some feminist points of view

Now, aks yourselves why so many cisgender etherosexual men are so upset from seeing plus size models in media? Do they really care about stranger's women heath?

NOPE!

Oh. Maybe is because they are the ones who lose something in seeing women considered not attractive for their physical appearance being accepted and admired?

YES.

Female beauty standard in media are designed for heterosexual male consumption.

As women gain economic and political power, their beauty should matter less.

Feminist scholars have contended that cultural norms and expectations encourage girls and women to be attentive to and psychologically invested in their physical appearance, which can undermine their well-being and contribute to eating dysregulation, depression, and other psychological difficulties (Cash, Ancis, & Strachan, 1997). Mary Wollstonecraft (1792), who is considered to be the founder of feminism, asserted that women's preoccupation with appearance was due to impoverished education, domestic subjugation, and vain pursuits toward which women were directed by their culture. The feminist perspective reaffirms the declaration that a woman's self-worth, ability, and livelihood are not centred on her physical appearance.

Wayne Dyer (1976/1995) elaborated on this: “many women have accepted the cultural dispatches and behave in ways that they are supposed to when it comes to their bodies. Shave your legs and underarms, deodorize yourself everywhere, perfume your body with foreign odours, sterilize your mouth, make up your eyes, lips, cheeks, pad your bra, spray your genitals with the appropriate bouquet, and falsify your fingernails. The implication is that there is something unpleasant about the natural you, the essentially human you, and only by becoming artificial can you become attractive.”

Peterson et al. (2008) posit that feelings of powerlessness may lead a woman to rely on external evaluations of her body as well as to control her eating behaviours. In contrast, feelings of empowerment may decrease the likelihood that a woman will internalize society's messages regarding attractiveness and hence develop schemas that highlight the importance of appearance. Overall, what is suggested is that feeling empowered in one's life may translate to reduced self-objectification and, in turn, to a decrease in negative evaluations of body image.

As this gross guy said:

“Those women aren't thin they look healthy, your problem with them is that their not grossly obese, I've got news for you, most men don't find grossly obese women attractive. Women decide what they want to look like and that happens to be appealing to men, the media has nothing to do with it, women have been beautifying themselves in order to attract men for millennia.”

Young-Eisendrath (1999) elaborates on the psychological damage done by this: “the belief that we must be thin in order to be successful results in feelings of insecurity about ourselves and our abilities. Obsessive control of the female body leads not to power but to shame, self-consciousness, confusion, illness, even death by eating disorders. Longing to be reassured of our worth and validity, we submit to humiliating advice from experts who tell us what and when to eat, and how to exercise, as if we were children.”

In summary, the obsession with physical appearance often distorts reality, making individuals vulnerable to a host of psychological difficulties, including depression and anxiety, and even abuse (Hooks, 1995). Seeking the ideal body type, which is thinner genetically than 95% of women, is also harmful, as the anxiety it creates about weight is focused upon unnatural thinness rather than health (Williams, 1998).

Body positivity protects women from negative feelings about their bodies: women are encouraged to refute the message of the importance of thinness and develop more empowering self-definitions based on other attributes such as their intelligence or creativity. Feminist ideology thus emphasizes that a woman's self-worth should not be determined by her physical appearance.

This male obsession about our weight, saying that we are not "healthy", is just another way to cotrol our bodies, girls!

Lisa Turner, a food writer and nutrition consultant, summed it up best: “Losing weight is not your life's work, and counting calories is not the call of your soul. You surely are destined for something much greater, much bigger, than shedding 20 pounds or tallying calories. What would happen if, instead of worrying about what you had for breakfast, you focused instead on becoming exquisitely comfortable with who you are as a person?”

Some final conclusions

So telling to every people "you are fat, lazy, ugly and need to exercise for your own health" is not only harmful but not even ever correct for all the reason above.

The person you are insulting online could be “overweight” because has a condition, is highly depressed for past suffering experience (I know girls with past of sexual abuse who used to eat to find comfort for a pain that her cannot express in other ways). Or maybe not. To make it easier for you to understand, you must stop to judge people we don't know on their physical appearance, body shape or weight and we must try to be polite, so you will not get yourselves into embarrassing situations saying stupid things like "oh, sorry... I didn't know you had this thing...", after giving unrequested health suggestion to strangers or insulting them?

Have you ever consider how harm can do on others your “caring about strangers” health? What YOU are doing is causing eating disorders and low self-esteem on others. Body positivity helps to accept ourselves and not to spend our time into stupid considerations about our bodies.

THAT'S WHY WE NEED BODY POSITIVITY!

A little list to summarize:

Don't give unrequested health suggestion: they don't ask and you are not their doctor;

Every person need to be accepted and respected as they are;

Obesity bias adversely affects a person’s likelihood to get help;

Your body works better when you thinking happy thoughts about yourself;

Negative body image DOES promote obesity. And anorexia. And a lot of other bad stuff.

[livingmybestfictionallife]

Kintsugi

Reader Request: I’ve gotten a few about where the reader is depressed/self-harms and “Klaus finds out and tries to help the reader” ... “Klaus x reader where the reader suffers from self harm and or depression and Klaus finds out. And since they both suffer from mental health issues he understands and tries to support them.”

A/N: this takes place after Reginald’s death, but in an AU where the apocalypse was stopped.

Warnings: depression, depressive episodes, mental health

Two years. Two years had gone by since Klaus had entered the longest relationship of his life. He’d never expected to get over Dave, but he’d managed to find a solace and acceptance in someone who seemed like a ghost of his past. How he’d managed to run into her during the end of times was beyond him, but now, as he sat in the kitchen of the Academy planning how to celebrate her returning to him and all they had endured together, he was glad they crossed paths again.

“(Y/N),” a young woman groaned to her friend as she straightened her skirt and slipped her arms into a skin-tight crop-top. “You said you’d go to at least one this semester. It’s your last semester in college. You have to!” The woman who was being groaned at shrugged her shoulders and tried to drown out her roommate’s incessant insistence by turning up the volume on her laptop. “That’s not going to make me stop bugging you,” her friend groaned even more loudly. Again, (Y/N) tried to turn her music up as far as it could go, only to have the girl across from her quickly perch herself on the edge of (Y/N)’s bed and scream over the sounds being emitted from (Y/N)’s computer. “YOU KNOW YOU WILL NEVER BE LOUDER THAN ME!” she yelled as (Y/N) closed her laptop.

“Fine,” she laughed while rolling her eyes. It was true that (Y/N) had promised her roommate to go to at least one college party before graduating. She’d wanted to, to at least say she’d had the experience, but was always to timid to arrive at a place she knew no one and more than likely knew she would hate almost everyone there. (Y/N) was a very particular person, and she only liked a few, particular people. She was bullied throughout middle and high school and still clashed with certain people at her college despite never making any effort to interact with any of them--which her roommate said was probably why they didn’t like her. “It’s not my fault they took my introversion and shyness as being bitchy,” she’d remember saying.

“So you’ll come?” she asked in a perky voice while bouncing herself off (Y/N)’s bed and looking her roommate in the eyes.

“I suppose I have no choice,” she said with a faux reluctant tone. Deep down she knew she wanted to go, but even deeper down, she knew she’d regret it. Maybe it was snooty or bitchy of her to assume she was better than everyone who went to those arbitrary and pointless parties, but she was weeks away from graduating and frankly, didn’t give a damn.

The rest of the night had gone as (Y/N) had expected. Nothing was too different from the romanticized dramatics movies portrayed college parties to be, and it served to be a waste of (Y/N)’s time. Growing uninterested in the ridiculous antics being performed, such as the forced “meet cutes” she’d seen repeated time and time again within a single five minute window--ones that she swore girls and guys had purposefully tried to reenact from any movie that has a party scene in it--(Y/N) decided it was time to go. She’d made her way down stairs, away from a billiards table that seemed to be her only solace from the persistent pestering of people, only to find a gathering of people in the kitchen, blocking the nearest exit. Not wanting to have any attention brought to her, or to be caught in the wrong place at the wrong time, (Y/N) quickly turned to leave, only to be forced back into the kitchen as a swarm of individuals in their late teens and early twenties barreled through the house and toward the source of the most immediate commotion.

“Get out, man!” someone wearing a t-shirt with his frat’s Greek letters plastered on it had shouted at someone hidden from (Y/N)’s view. She was still trying to leave through any other exit in the house, however found herself completely unable to leave the kitchen.

“Just kick his ass out,” another guy yelled while joining the first frat brother in the center of the kitchen. Thinking it was nothing more than a few guys and their rivals threatening one another, (Y/N) continued to attempt and push her way through, desperate to avoid being caught between some stupid fight between fraternities.

“You don’t think I’ve fucking tried?! He’s not listening! He doesn’t give a shit.” She could hear the conversation behind her begin to escalate and felt a few more people shove against her and press her further into the kitchen, closer toward the fight she knew was about to breakout. Realizing she had no other option but to turn around and walk toward her initial exit point, (Y/N) tuned herself into the situation before her. A tall man who appeared to be a few years older than herself, dressed in all black with dark curly hair and what appeared to be smudged eyeliner around his pale eyes, laid sprawled out across the kitchen floor clutching a bottle of vodka in one hand and a fifth of whiskey in the other.

Shit, she thought to herself upon seeing the man and the now three guys surrounding him. They’re not really about to jump this guy for having their alcohol, are they? (Y/N) personally knew one of the guys who had joined the ringleader in closing in on the man who had crashed their party, and she knew he was an entitled brat who would never suffer the consequences of his actions. Meanwhile, the man on the ground looked like he had been suffering the consequences of his actions for years. Two of the three closing in on the essentially passed out drunkard she knew to be ruthless. They’d been put on academic probation so many times for hazing, (Y/N) had lost count, but no punishment came to them due to how much money their families donated to the school.

She didn’t want to help the man; all (Y/N) wanted to do was leave that house and go home to get a good night’s sleep, but that was impossible due to a little someone she would eventually come to learn about named Ben Hargreeves. He came in the form a breeze, a simple gust of cold air in a humid, sweat radiated house that grazed her cheek and lead her eyes in the direction of the helpless man on the ground before her. Maybe then, even though his ability to appear to Klaus was hindered, he was still able to sense a pure heart in the crowd, one that didn’t believe in violence for the sake of violence; one that, like him, never signed up to be in the situation she had found herself in. Ben knew he couldn’t physically connect with the girl that seemed to be looking down at his brother’s situation with fear and pity, but he could make his presence known in other ways, and in that desperate moment to save Klaus from being in the center of a brawl, he did all he could to gain the girl’s attention.

“Back off, dick for brains,” (Y/N) had growled as she stepped into the scene. As soon as she looked into the eyes of the guy who had initiated the fight with the defenseless individual before her, she knew she had defined herself in this equation. She’d gone from a passive observer to a performer in whatever fantastical portrayal of collegiate endeavors these guys were trying to carry out. Standing out in a crowd had always been something (Y/N) avoided. Being noticed for her was worse than having a plague, and she’d never found herself in her current situation before. If they want to make a scene, then I’ll give them a scene, she thought to herself as she planned a defense incase things blew up in her face.

(Y/N) knelt down to help the man to his feet and made sure he could at least hold up some of his weight on his own. As soon as the man’s arm was draped across her shoulders for support, one of the guys (Y/N) had recognized turned to her with disgust on his face and venomous judgment in his voice.

“You would know this piece of shit,” he hissed to gain the appreciation of the people around him.

“I’m just choosing to not be a fucking asshat toward someone I don’t know,” she shouted back over the roar the crowd was beginning to make.

“He stole our liquor,” one of the others protested.

“He stole your liquor?” (Y/N) asked in a condescending voice while rolling her eyes at the boys before her. “You’re about to beat the shit out of some guy in front of all these people for a couple bottles of liquor?” She could tell her ability to deal with the petty bullshit of the people around her was wearing thin when she reached across the man she’d been supporting, slipped her hand around the neck of the whiskey bottle and pulled it into the frat brothers’ line of sight. “Take your fucking liquor!” she sharply stated before hurling the bottle above her head and allowing her arm to bring it down in a distinct swoop, careful to make the side of the bottle come crashing down against the kitchen countertop beside her.

“Shit!” the man beside her yelled upon hearing the shattering glass and immediately sobering up enough to take off in a sprint out of the house with (Y/N) in tow simply because being shocked into consciousness so quickly kept him from acknowledging every detail about his surroundings; this included the fact that she stood under his arm and, in tern, caused her to be swooped away into the night with him.

Klaus and (Y/N) had spoken off and on for about two weeks or a month after that moment, but eventually, he faded away. It didn’t shock (Y/N) when she stopped hearing from him. He was a stranger and they hadn’t spoken very intimately about themselves--hopes, dreams, fears, life ambitions--rather their conversations were always light and making sure that the other was still alive. Besides that, Klaus seemed like a transient type: a drifter with no real home who preferred it that way. It wasn’t until a couple of years ago that they even remembered the other’s presence. Life had progressed and each of their lives turned into various forms of chaotic messes--hers developing in relation to her career and his due to his addiction and then the end of the world--and their minds were too preoccupied with other endeavors besides keeping track on the stranger they’d met by a stroke of luck.

Two years later, when (Y/N) decided to take a relaxing night out by herself at a local bowling alley, she didn’t expect a number of things to happen that night. One, she didn’t expect to have the place shot up by countless masked individuals, and two, she didn’t expect that the man she saved from a beating two years before at some stupid college party would be there to save her life from the hail of bullets. It wasn’t too much longer after that that the pair became closer than before, having instantly remembered the other after their eyes met as they huddled under the main desk, and eventually embarked into a non-labeled monogamous connection with the other.

Klaus had wanted everything to be perfect. He’d shunned himself from true happiness his whole life due to never believing he was worth it, and after Dave, even though he’d lost his first true love, he at least knew he could be valued and wanted in more ways than just a comic relief that no one takes seriously. He didn’t expect to find that in (Y/N), the girl he remembered as brave and feisty for saving his ass four years ago, and he didn’t expect it to overwhelm him so completely in a sense of self-worth and admiration, but when had anything in Klaus’s life been expected? Initially, all those years ago, he’d expected (Y/N) to be brash and feisty and be the type to force herself into situations she deemed herself worthy to be in. He expected her to be bold in knowing her worth and only want to be seen with him for charity, but he was wrong. He grew to understand that she was broken and scared and didn’t know what she was doing half the time. He learned that her impromptu smashing of the whiskey bottle was to put on a show when in reality she just wanted to run the hell away and shrink back into the safety of her apartment. 

Klaus realized about six or seven months after reconnecting with (Y/N) that he loved her, but not for the same reasons that he loved Dave. Dave was strong and believed in justice and truth. He believed that if you had the ability to do something, it was your responsibility to do it. The confidence Dave emitted in his sense of self was alluring to Klaus, mainly because he didn’t have confidence in his own self and was entranced in Dave’s ability to appear so sure of his convictions. 

With (Y/N)...well, it didn’t take Klaus very long to recognize the familiar broken and pained expressions that often crossed her gentle face. He’d seen them all to many times looking back at him in a mirror. She tried to hide it with a cold exterior and an off putting aura, but the empty and calculated look on her face when she was in public was her defense mechanism just as much as drugs was Klaus’s. It wasn’t truly who she was. She was charming and funny and kind. She loved to take baths so hot she started sweat. She loved baking and could make amazing cobblers and pies, but fuck up something as simple as chocolate chip cookies. She could belt out every word of “Bohemian Rhapsody,” but also could match Shaggy word for word in “It Wasn’t Me.” She loved to laugh and smile and was a fool for Klaus’s curly hair whenever he let it grow longer. Above all though, he loved (Y/N) because he could see in her what Dave must have seen in him.

There’s a certain beauty in the damaged, that was both disconcerting and admirable. There’s a fine line between romanticizing the broken hearted and being wholly empathetic to the sonder that overcomes someone who is trusted by those who are damaged. Finding the beauty in (Y/N) to be so immense despite her own ability to see it, was Klaus’s favorite past-time. It was early on in their relationship that he realized (Y/N) made it a point to do at least one thing a day that she knew Klaus would enjoy: speak softly to him, remind him how much she believed in him, make a face or do a dorky dance, have a full on, improvisational, one-sided conversation with Ben, anything. These little things quickly became something Klaus began looking forward to each day.

After a recent depressive episode that led (Y/N) into an empty, apathetic abyss, Klaus made it his mission to do all he could to remind her of the beauty within her rather than allowing her to focus solely on the dark. He’d draw little pictures on sticky notes or on a napkin and slip them in her lunch before she went to work, he’d dance around whatever room they were in and swing her arms with his movements until she agreed to be whisked away--all with a hopeless grin on her face, he’d relay messages from her deceased grandmother that stood over her like a guardian angel, and he’d journal with her, disproving every negative thought she wrote down about six or seven times over just to “make sure the message sank in.”

But today was their two year anniversary of becoming a “together.” Terms like boyfriend and girlfriend seemed arbitrary after a certain age and, despite (Y/N) being seven years younger than Klaus, neither wanted to label one another as that. “Together” was a better fit. It mean that through everything, through the hauntings, the dark nights, and their individual heaping platters of mental baggage they bring to the table, they were in it together. No longer would they suffer alone, so long as the other was alive to shoulder some of the weight.

Klaus sat on the couch in the parlor of the Academy. (Y/N) was resting beside him, leaning against his chest with one of his arms dangled around her and her fingers intertwined with his. “Have I ever told you about Takashima?” Klaus asked softly.

“No,” (Y/N) replied curiously. It wasn’t often that Klaus talked about Vietnam and she knew better than to force it; she’d seen what happened when her mother had forced her grandfather to speak of his experience and didn’t wish to be on the receiving end of a similar situation. Instead, she knew it was best to wait it out and let him bring it up as he feel safe and comfortable to do so.

“Takashima was a guy in my unit,” he said while craning his neck to look down at the woman in his arms. “His family were immigrants from Japan, but he was born in the US in a fucking internment camp. Anyways, he would always talk about art. His mother was an artist and art seemed to be the only thing that grounded him during the long days and longer nights.” (Y/N) curled tighter into Klaus’s side as he tightened his grasp on her fingers. She loved listening to Klaus. His voice was a comforting sound that grounded her in times of anxiety and depression. She loved more than anything when he would just start talking about something and find his thoughts along the way as his sentence dragged him along, which is what she thought was happening.“Anyways, do you want to know my favorite piece of Japanese artwork?” he asked her.

“Tell me,” she sighed gently against his side. At her words, Klaus adjusted himself briefly to an upright position and leaned toward (Y/N) as her head laid in his lap.

“It’s called kintsugi,” he said, doing his best to pronounce the foreign word flawlessly. “Takashima said he had tons of it surrounding him as a kid. Growing up his house was filled with this type of art. Basically, you take something that’s been smashed, shattered, broken, whatever, and meld it together again with this like, gold or silver lacquer. Thinking of the kintsugi kept him going like Dave and I kept each other alive. He kept seeing the war as the break in a pot or vase or whatever, and kept looking at the bright side of things--the gold or silver rivers flowing through the damage.” Klaus paused for a moment and felt his throat constrict. He wasn’t very good in relaying his emotions verbally. He was a physical person whose emotions came out in expressions and movement rather than words, but he was trying. “I hadn’t thought about Takashima or his story about kintsugi in a while, but...well...here,” he said while pulling off one of the thin chained necklaces dangling beneath his shirt and gently clasping it in his hand. Slowly his fingers unfolded around what appeared to (Y/N) to be treated pieces of glass, bound together by shimmering golden veins. “The whole point of kintsugi is to treat the broken parts of the object as part of its history, rather than as a disguise from the fact that it was broken in the first place.”

“Klaus,” (Y/N) tried to say, but upon looking at a single tear tracing down his cheek, she couldn’t fully get the world out.

“We’re both a bit messed up, but, as Takashima would have put it, we’re two parts of a broken whole. You’ve helped me realize I don’t have to hide from who I am or what I can do, and for that I am so grateful; but you try so hard to disguise the true beauty you have.” He gently took the pendent from her hands and fastened the necklace around her neck. “Your heart may feel heavy, (Y/N), it may feel torn to shreds or shattered into hopeless pieces, or maybe it just feels empty, but I know there are streams of gold flowing through you. I can see them everyday in the way you love someone as messed up as me.” Klaus quickly slipped his arms around (Y/N)’s waist and pulled her back down to their resting position on the couch. He could tell (Y/N) was touched due to her inability to respond. She was a verbal lover--she showed her affection and appreciation through words and notes and letters, and rendering her speechless was Klaus’s way of knowing she was more than moved by his gift. “Takashima always said kintsugi was the most beautiful thing in the world, and looking at you, I’d be a damned fool to argue with him.”

Tags: @helena-way07, @multifandom-ramblings, @ne0n-gh0st, @bisexual-with-adhd

[stevestonbike]

Hello Fitblrs Merry Xmas

I want to say hello to all you out there.  Yes both of you.

I know I do not “follow” you, but I do care.  I come from an age when old men keeping track of young women was always considered creepy.  So I do not.  I will always check back on anyone when they like or reblog any of my noise though.  Being creepy in a nice way? 

I should also say that occasionally males check this noise, but the vast majority are women and most of you are young.  But being young is hard sometimes as is being old. I suppose it is the pressure from looking forward in your life and being afraid, or just uncomfortable.  Or in my case looking forward knowing that the distance to the end is closer.  I assure you unless you are rather stupid, or mentally off that is the way life goes.  The future is unknown to all of us.

A clever person once said that avoiding things or doing things out of fear is a coward’s life.  Doing things in spite of fear is the definition of courage.  So look at fear and tell em to F off.

I have seen a lot of photos of people on their journey in Tumblr.  Lots of pictures of people as “this is me” and food and much of that involves avocados for some reason.  There are two dominant themes eating very nice looking salads, and shots of gyms.  I have noted long ago that some of those salads are too big for me as a 88 kg (195 lb) 1.85m (73inches) tall male of er “advancing” age. I eat very ordinary food.  I feel sorry for people who think fitness is only found in gyms. I suggest doing things outside too.  Mostly outside.  Runners and cyclists know what I mean.

Fitness is weird.   I suppose everyone has their own definition or they borrow someone else’s.  Some people think it is an arbitrary dimension like the size of your waist or how hard the earth pulls down on you.  Some people think it is how many reps of some weight they can do, or how heavy that weight is.  Some people think it is how they look compared to some ideal.  I suggest you never judge yourself in that way.  It never works.

One example of that.  I married a beautiful woman.  I mean really physically beautiful.  It was the consensus of everyone who knew her.  Whenever I told her she was beautiful she said that I was both stupid and blind.  She admits that both of our daughters are drop dead gorgeous.  That did not come from me.  The last person to trust on how you look is yourself.

Fitness to me is easy to define. It is you are fit to do something.  If that is to lift weights that is one thing.  If it is to run a 10k race that is another.  If it is to ride a bike in a Granfondo or Cyclosportive then it is that.  Being fit for one thing does not mean you are fit for another.  It is best if the thing is fun and you can do it a lot.

Fitness is also about health.  Straight up simple health.  All those statistics about death from this or that actually do not apply if you are fit.  You get sick less often.  You can do things longer and better than other people.  You stop having to worry about a lot of stuff once you have climbed up this hill, or mountain. It is worth it.

It is not easy.  It can be very hard and that is due to the method as much as the effort. 

A co-worker was getting married.  He was very heavy.  A bit taller than I and an easy 100 lbs more.  He decided to get fit as he wanted to be ready for marriage.  He hired a freaking Olympic Rower to train him.  He spent 5 days a week in a gym and did occasional severe calorie restricted diets.  He learned several things.  It is very hard work.  At first you gain weight in a gym from muscle. You get a lot stronger. losing weight is very hard.  Gyms are not fun.

He had a huge gut and comparing himself to the narcissists around him was enough to make him want to hide.  He kept at it as the biggest fittest strongest man in the room made him do it.  Once when he was feeling particularly negative the trainer told him that these guys here have no idea about fitness.  They have no idea about hard training.  You are doing very well and inside your body you are more fit than they are.  You have built a big engine and it will burn your fat over time if you let it.  Then he hit the program extra hard.  It was working.

Then it did not.  He lost about 80 pounds.  He felt much better.  He got married. Then things went sideways.  It is never simple, but he needed the 5 days a week thing in a gym or something else.  His big engine needed to keep burning.  But he hit his number and stopped.  That was the thing you really cant stop.  He did not learn that. 

I certainly use numbers! But I started out by accident.  I wanted to save money as raising two kids is expensive.  I started to ride a bike to work.  It was not far which helped me sell the idea to myself.  Twice a day every day every week adds up.  I got fit, really fit and by accident.  Then there was another accident.  I got hurt.  Recovery was long time coming.  My body healed quickly as I was fit.  But my confidence was shot as was my sense of balance (Vertigo from hitting my head on the road).

I missed the feeling of being fit.  I was getting heavy, but it was the feeling of being strong that got me back on a bike and motivated me to work out my balance problem.  That was 15 years ago.  It was hard work to get back, but every kilometer was fun.  I was out riding in the sunshine.  When it was raining I was riding to be ready for the sunny days.  Now I do things that “normal” people think are really hard.  But they are not hard because I am fit.

So to all you out there keep at it.  It is forever if you do it right. Have fun.  Make friends.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

[only-negativity]

I'm okay.

Alrighty. Update on my relationship status matter. To sum it up, I feel perfectly fine now. And instead of getting all upset when that guy that liked my best friend while we were dating tries to talk to me, I act civil, even though I deeply want to shank him. Then if he says something stupid, I block him. Simple. I've gotten to the point where I've completely gotten over the sadness he's caused me for the past half a year (including the time we were together). But I'll explain the whole situation that I went through. I'm not complaining or saying it because I want to sound like an attention whore. I just want to make what happened clear as a crystal.

So, we started dating last year. And he, (my most recent ex) made it seem like he was obsessed with me. Tricked me into falling for him. He was my friend for about a month or two and I somewhat trusted him. The first time we met, I was dating my first boyfriend, and we were in a group chat with everyone in our friend group. He was asking about my best friend. And he asked me, "are you her sister?" And, we (my best friend and I) tell everyone that we're sister's because it's annoying when people ask.

Anyway. I didn't know him at the time and assumed that he was a friend of someone's in the group chat because he was really charismatic, and accepted his friend request on Instagram (At the time I didn't like him because I didn't know him, so I accepted it because he was a friend of a friend).

After that, he was bothering me left and right. Asking for my Snapchat because he, "doesn't use Instagram a lot". I said no, because that would be too much, and my boyfriend at the time had a problem with his girlfriend's cheating on him. So I kept denying every time. Until I was so annoyed that I gave him it. Stupid. Fucking. Decision. Next thing I knew, he kept asking to video call. I didn't want to video chat with him because of how my boyfriend felt. I genuinely respected his feelings, and I didn't want him to get upset about it. He would call without asking, and it kind of annoyed me, but I thought that if I accepted it he would leave me alone. Nope.

One call lead to another and my boyfriend didn't like it. He started assuming that I had feelings for this guy, but I honestly didn't. My boyfriend got more and more distant, and I tried my hardest to make him feel better about what's been going on, because, I cared about him. I didn't care about how ridiculous this was. He would ask the guy if I was cheating on him, but he would say no. I got kind of annoyed by how my boyfriend was acting, so I distanced myself as well. Emotionally. Not physically. He would get butthurt if I did that.

He had wrestling practice everyday, so I used that opportunity to hang out with my friends at the park. The guy (most recent ex that my boyfriend thought I was cheating with) was there too most of the time. That made things a WHOLE lot worse in my situation. I didn't talk to him in person, but he would always bother me. Eventually, I started to become friends with the guy, but I didn't have feelings for him. And my boyfriend didn't like it at all. We talked about it, and I explained that nothing was going on. I was being completely honest.

Anyway. One day the guy said that he was going to do a flip off of a tall thing at the park, so I said "no. Don't. You'll get hurt." And my boyfriend took it the wrong way. He started walking away and actually started to cry. I genuinely felt bad for him because I made him cry just by saying a few words to the wrong person. But then again, I was getting angry because we talked about this and he still thinks that I'm cheating on him.

I walked him back to the school because he needed to go to wrestling practice. I remembered that I left my drink and chips at the park so I went back after I dropped him off. The guy kept telling me to break up with him because I felt like a horrible person while I was with him (boyfriend).

I left after that.

A few weeks pass and I've been feeling more and more horrible about myself because I haven't done anything, yet my boyfriend was pushing the "are you cheating on me?" Question on me every single day and he was freaking out by me just talking to my guy friends. That I knew before I met him. He asked the guy if I was cheating on him once again and he said yes(I assume out of annoyance). But I wasn't. And my boyfriend started breaking down and crying because he got "confirmation" that I was "cheating" on him when I WASN'T. LITERALLY ALL I DO IS TALK TO MY FRIENDS. THAT'S. IT.

We broke up a few weeks later, and he started flirting with other girls in less than a week. I felt horrible because that fucker told my boyfriend that I was cheating on him and expected me to be okay with it. He quite literally ruined my relationship and acted as if nothing happened.

To make things worse, my (now ex) boyfriend starts to date one of my closest friends that are girls.

A month has passed and I feel better ( a little). And I forgave the guy for telling my (ex) boyfriend that I was cheating. At this point, he dated at least 6 girls, so I told people that I "never really loved him" (which was a lie). I know. Fucked up. But, he never really loved me either, because he got over our relationship in 6 days.

The guy gave me a lot of attention, and I started to gain feelings for him. Soon enough, he got his friends to tell me that he likes me. I waited for him to ask if I'd be his girlfriend. That didn't happen. He got onto Snapchat and said "i like u a lot will u be mine?" Which I though was really cute at the time and really alluring. So I said yes.

He would subtly ask me who my best friend liked, so I said that she liked his brother. (Which was a lie because who tf would tell their boyfriend of not even a week who their best friend likes?) And he had this disappointed look in his eye. Very small, but still there. As if he was trying to hide how he felt. "Really?" He asked. "Why are you so concerned about it?" I looked at him a little annoyed. He looked away and changed the subject.

He would glance at her. Every few minutes. I barely noticed it but I knew that he did. I didn't think much of it, because I trusted him. But a few weeks into the relationship, he would do it more frequently. He wouldn't talk to her, but he would look at her a lot. He was always in a good mood (which I assumed because I was his "first girlfriend").

I was in good mental health at the time. The weights of my last boyfriend's mental issues and horrible anxiety problems have been long since been lifted. I was... Genuinely happy. A boyfriend who would pay a lot of attention to me, friends that would be nice enough to be by my side all the time. That period of time was amazing.

Then, my best friend got into a love triangle with my first boyfriend and a junior that I was friends with. I automatically got into a mood for a bit because my best friend was dating my first ex boyfriend. Who does that?

Anyway. I wasn't the only one in a mood. My best friends relationship worked out for a couple of months. I got over the fact that she was with my ex, though it was still awkward when I talked to her. BUT, my boyfriend at the time was always sour.

He started to take his anger out on me, by telling me that I'm not acting how he wants me to. That he "just wants someone to hold him and not act like an anime girl every two seconds". What the fuck kind of an insult was that? I act like an anime girl? All I do is smile when he hugs me and talk a lot to him because I adored him.

This happened a lot, And soon I felt horrible again. I couldn't even talk back to him anymore. All I could say was "sorry" when he yelled at me. I felt useless for nothing. For doing nothing. For being myself. I was scared to break up with him because I've seen him hit one of my guy friends for sticking up for himself when my (at the time) boyfriend said something rude about his mom.

He broke my friends tooth.

It was almost every night that he would tell me how much he hates me. One day, when my cousin came home from the army, my (at the time) boyfriend posted something on his story. Explaining his "crush". This struck me as odd, because he explained things that didn't happen between us. He wrote such sweet things about them and at the end, it said "send a ♥️ to get someone to describe"

But before I could send one, I got a text from him. I sent it really fast and then saw what he said. He sent me his story and said "do you want me to do you?" I got confused. And told him how I thought that it WAS about me. He said "oh yeah it was, my bad😂" I could tell that he was lying. He only sends that emoji when he lies.

At that moment I had a strong feeling that he was cheating on me, but I didn't bring it up. I was too scared to.

About two weeks later, I went to his house for the first time to go swimming with my friends, but I couldnt. I was expirencing girl problems.. It was hot outside, and I wanted to stay in his house for a bit because it was nice and cold in there. We decided to stay while my friends went to the pool. Not only was I having those problems, but I was cramping too. So I kind of wanted to cuddle on the couch to hopefully take my pain away.

That's not how he saw it.

He started to get really handsy and was kissing me a lot. At this point I was getting really uncomfortable. He pulled my shirt up along with my bra but I kept telling him to stop. I even tried to get away from him and tell him how uncomfortable I was with my body, but he wouldn't listen. I knew I couldn't do anything so I sat there trying to hold back tears. I was hopeless because he easily overpowered me when I tried to get away.

He wasn't satisfied with what he saw but pretended like he was. I understood what he felt, but I kept trying to make him stop.

During this whole thing I was scared. Once he was done doing what he was doing, he threw my cardigan at me (i took it off when I first came in with all of my friends) and told me that we're going to the pool. He went outside and I was trying to pull my thoughts together. To hold back all of the tears that were about to fall out of my eyes. I put my cardigan back on and went outside. We didn't talk at all the whole time that we walked to the pool.

When we got there, he acted like he hadn't seen his friends in ages. He took off his shirt and jumped into the pool. I didn't know how scared I looked until one of the people that were at the pool asked if I was okay. Of course I said I was, and acted as if I was happy.

When I was off my period, I went to the pool again. Because he wanted me to. I was swimming in my gym outfit, because I didn't have any swim suits. I called my mom before I got into the pool to come pick me up, because I knew that my boyfriend would be putting my legs around his waist and kissing my neck.

When my mom finally got there, she tried to meet my boyfriend, but he acted as if he didn't know that she was there. My mom's really stubborn when she wants to do something, so she didn't give up until he shook her hand and introduced himself. I was outside the gate, waiting for my mom to leave. Then he came and hugged me, But he looked angry.

He was yelling at me later that night, but it was worse than before. I said sorry and told him good night. I could barely sleep that night. I finally had enough of him. I had enough of feeling like a worthless piece of shit that can be used then thrown away. I tried breaking up with him, but he started crying and telling me all these sweet things that he used to tell me when we first started dating. I ignored him for a bit, but he replied to my story, tried to call me, and texted me over and over on all of my social medias. To shut him up, I took him back, but I think I did it out of fear. I didn't do it in person, so in person, his reaction would be different. I started thinking about the things he'd do to me.

That week, he acted as if I was a precious gem that needed to be kept safe. But that didn't last. That week my best friend broke up with my ex and he was in a good mood again. Really good mood. I wasn't a gem anymore. I was a trashbag. I think I explained what happened at this point in a different post.

Well he broke up with me for my best friend that didn't even want him. Two months later, (current time) he starts talking to me again. He kept sending me friend requests and it was getting annoying to decline them all. So I accepted one, And told him that I'll block him if he says something stupid. We had a normal conversation until he started acting like he did before we started dating. He sent me a picture of himself and told me to "snap back", but I said that I'd rather not. And sent him a screenshot of me saying that I'll block him if he says something stupid. Before the screenshot fully sent, he said "fuck you biiiiissshhhh suck my dick biisshh". I read it, but didn't reply.

The screenshot fully sent and he tried covering up what he said by asking "have you not seen that video?😂". Obviously not. I blocked him. That's the last time I'll even think hes being mature for once. I can't be near him without feeling scared. (It's summer still and he doesn't know where I live, so I'm not scared for right now) at school, I can't be in the same room as him without freaking out. I can't be near him this year. I won't.

Anyway, this experience has ruined dating for me. Maybe sometime in the future, I can get over this and try again. But not right now, and people don't understand that. I've been flirted with a few times in the past two months, and I explain that I'm not ready to be in a relationship yet, but they get angry.

Thanks for reading this. If something like this happens to you, tell someone right away. I didn't tell anyone with authority and I regret it.

[justakidwithopinions-blog]

Preface

First I would like to tell you why I chose this particular movie; This movie is about a mental – turned into a physical- disorder called body dysmorphia and in this special case anorexia. I’m pretty sure you know what these terms mean but since I’m here to review it and dare I say “criticise” it, I’m going to give a summarized explanation.

Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), or body dysmorphia, is a mental health condition where a person spends a lot of time worrying about flaws in their appearance. These flaws are often unnoticeable to others.

Anorexia an emotional disorder characterized by an obsessive desire to lose weight by refusing to eat.

Now on to why I chose this movie, I have been dealing with BDD for many years now that at this point I don’t even remember when it started, I was a “fat” kid that everyone (parents, family, friends and even strangers) would judge and or make fun of. That made me very much aware of my “ugly” and “abnormal” body and the cherry on top is that when I hit puberty my breasts turned out saggy and there I was left with the judging eyes of my mother –and other close female family relatives- that would point that out every so often that I’m looking forward to getting surgery on them this summer to “fix” them and that means forming into a build-up standard made by the human race. I went on a pretty strict diet when I was 16 and lost 11 kg and since then I’ve been keeping this strange diet where I eat nothing beyond 5 pm (sometimes 7 pm depending on when I eat my dinner) and basically eating less than 1000 calories a day and well as everyone encourages you to do so exercise; by now so many of my friends and relatives say that I don’t or that I refuse to eat anything and that it is unhealthy, which is ironic cause they were the ones that made fun of me and judged me when I was fat and now that I’m considered “skinny” I “Don’t eat anything and torturing myself for nothing and putting too much pressure on myself”, well guess what? I still consider myself fat, I still want to lose at least 5 kg and have an impossible dream to get anorexia. Yes, I do wish I have a deadly disease and this movie clearly shows why not to wish that upon yourself and how you need to live. Not just as in breathing but as in being alive, enjoying the moment, loving, caring and being loved! Which I haven’t felt in a while. That’s the reason I chose it because not only it shows you the good sides of life that everyone dreams of but it also shows the struggles and how hard it is to reach the good sides and that we – I in this case- take so many things for granted.

   To The Bone

The movie starts with some people in a group therapy session and a girl saying that how the media presents us with a cake, like it’s a reward then in the next page they show some sad fat girl and some fit girl next to her that says I went on this diet and got fit and the girl continues by complaining about the media saying that it wants to torture us, which I think is a great way to start a movie about anorexia, you see, many people – especially women – are often criticized by the world around them, we have magazines that judge celebrities about how fat they’ve gotten while red circling some tummy rolls on a person who’s at most a size 5; since we live in a society that people make shrines out of celebrities and look so high up to some people, we see those red circles, look into the mirror and say “well I have more tummy rolls, I’m a size 6! People must hate me, people probably don’t like me, I will never be loved…” and it goes on forever, comparing yourself to some sort of standard that the media has created just to sell whatever product they have. The movie then shows the main character Ellen, a young woman in her early 20’s that has black eyeliner all around her eye and is going for an “artistic” and “depressive” look, because it’s quite popular right now and apparently having depression makes you cool. She goes on by saying rude words and then it’s shown that she has been thrown out of yet another group therapy and in-patient. It’s then showed that she’s smoking cigarettes while being welcomed by her father’s house-keeper. This movie brings out so many good points, one of them being smoking; so many youngsters smoke either because they want to fit in with their group of friends or society or it’s because smoking is a sex thing and doing it makes you look “Hotter” and more “attractive” in this movie Ellen smokes to eat less as many anorexic people tend to do. Ellen then proves to her sister at dinner that she has memorized the calories of everything, meaning that she counts every single calorie she consumes and wants to keep in under control, she seems to have a good bond with her sister. Later we’re introduced to a new key character, Ellen’s step-mother, Susan. Susan has a pep talk with Ellen saying that her father is upset at her and Ellen asks why the father himself isn’t present to express that, Susan comes up with excuses and then asks to weigh Ellen, in the process of weighing, Ellen takes off most of her clothing and Susan is scared and worried that she just looks “too thin”, she then takes a picture of Ellen’s body and asks if she thinks she looks beautiful which she responds with no, at this point of the movie I don’t think Ellen says she doesn’t look beautiful because of how thin she is, I think she says that because she’s not thin enough for her own standards, the thing with these types of disorders is that the person becomes a perfectionist and weirdly enough has their own standard of what is perfect and what is not and so she didn’t think she was perfect because she had probably gained weight in the in-patient she was thrown out of. Later it cuts to Ellen’s parents fighting behind the closed doors and the sisters sneaking out of the house. As I mentioned before they seem to have a pretty good relationship, they laugh about how messed up their family is and Ellen says that she’s probably going to be kicked out of her own house (again, which we’ll get to that) or get sent to treatment, which Kelly gives a respond in a way so commonly used by the people close to the diseased person that don’t have a clue what’s actually going on “Okay, so eat.” to which Ellen responds “I eat,” the thing is that Kelly does actually care about Ellen in the most selfless way possible (as we proceed, there’s going to be a family therapy which I think is one of the best and realistic scenes of the movie since it shows how the family can effect on one’s health and how even one person caring can make you accomplish a lot) because when Ellen says “I’ve got it under control, Nothing bad is going to happen.” She says one of the most iconic lines “How many people do you think are down there? Like, two million? I bet a bunch of them who are about to die just said the exact same thing.”

Fast-forwarding to Ellen getting submitted into a new in-patient and it showing that the new doctor is pretty straight forward that he doesn’t want to give anyone “hope” neither he’s interested in patients that don’t want to live anymore. As she gets submitted to the in-patient, the story begins, the story of rising and falling in life while having a mental disorder. We’re introduced to another major role in the movie which is Luke and other patients that are going through what she’s going through in their own special way. What this movie beautifully represents is the variety of how people deal with having a mental disorder and how it may appear on someone, for example, you may think that someone with a disorder that mentally doesn’t allow them to eat anything to be very thin but we can see an obese girl having BDD. A thing that stands to me is that they never once mention the word “anorexia” by its full term, they might call themselves “rexies” from time to time, but no one wants to admit that they have a mental illness or even admit that they are sick. We see a quite unique group of people, someone who’s “tubed” and lives in “pony-land” even though they might be past their 20’s and is afraid of healing because she doesn’t believe that she’s sick and gets nausea thinking about food, A pregnant lady that got knocked-up by a random guy but wants to keep the baby and has a beautiful line (that even Ellen herself points out) “I just want to think about something besides me for once” which what a mental disorder in my opinion (especially in this case) is about “being too obsessed with yourself, that you think the world orbits around you” and my favourite character, Luke. He’s there because he has a “dream” a “goal” he wants to heal and keeps giving people a new perspective that they should too find a goal in life and try to get better for it. He’s optimistic but you can see throughout the movie that he’s just as broken as the others, that he as well wants to lose hope and die, but for the others he’s comfort, sometimes he might be overwhelming to the other patients as he might get too optimistic and cheerful –something that people with mental illnesses either don’t want to see or even be- but at the end, he’s the one that “saves” Eli (as she changes her name, which props to her doctor cause I really think that that was a really good idea, it somehow is a starting step towards a big change in life) although the doctor was really helpful because personally, I like people (especially therapists) to be straight forward, and their conversation

 “I just don't see the point.

- There is no point. Or at least, big picture, we don't get to know what it is. Why we live, why Megan lost the baby, why that girl killed herself.

- You're not reassuring me, doctor.

- I can't reassure you. This idea you have that there's a way to be safe...it's childish and cowardly. It stops you from experiencing anything, including anything good.

- You don't think I feel bad enough already? I know I'm messed up... but you're supposed to teach me how not to be.

-You know, how. Stop waiting for life to be easy. Stop hoping for somebody to save you. You don't need another person lying to you. Things don't all add up. But you're resilient. Face some hard facts and you could have an incredible life”

Was a major breaking point. In the movie Eli’s family play a big role in her life as we can see in the family therapy session most of them are self-centered and want to blame one another for Eli’s situation, her mother coming out as gay to her at the age of 13 and getting a divorce from her father and marrying her best friend, her father not being at the picture at all as we don’t even see him once in the movie because he keeps coming up with excuses that he can’t be there for his daughter that has a big negative effect on Eli as she’s always asking whether her father is showing up or not, two step-mums which show their full support, Susan which she now lives with and is really trying so hard to bond with Eli and is knocking on every door to find a cure for her and Olive that seems to be very strict but kind as well, A sister –Kelly- which I’ve already discussed, that shows to be a very caring younger sister. At the end of the movie Eli decides to visit her mother, they have a really heartbreaking scene in the tent that her mother points out that when Eli was born she had postpartum depression and how she couldn’t hold Eli as baby and she’s regretting it so she offers that she should feed her like a baby (a way that a friend recommended) which at first Eli said no to but then when her mother wants to leave quoting that she accepts if Eli doesn’t want to live anymore she cries out her name saying that she wants to be fed and rocked to sleep.

There are three final points that I want to discuss:

1.       The rain scene: doctor Beckham scheduled a trip for the whole group to a place that has fake rain. Rain in the popular culture is a symbol of life and that’s why doctor Beckham decided to bring them there, to show them how it feels to be alive. It was so beautifully painted and I think everyone at that specific moment, even Eli who has a very dark view on life felt amazing and wanted to be alive and most importantly stay alive.

2.       Eli’s relationship with Luke: as they get know each other better, they tend to be good friends, finding some same interests and having the polar opposite opinions in life really matched them up. We can see that Luke has known Eli for a while now throughout her paintings and artworks on her blog and Eli was his muse until she took the blog down (because someone killed herself because of her works and sent her a letter). Luke finds out what her favourite candy is and gets her that candy forcing her to smell, touch and then take a bite out of it which she refuses and yells at Luke saying that he shouldn’t be too pleased with himself, Luke then takes her on a date as he has earned points (because he has been eating and gaining weight) which at first Eli refuses but then accepts as Luke says they can walk the whole way and she will gain no weight if she eats, the restaurant scene is pretty intimate, showing how good they’re bonding and how Luke is lovingly looking at her and is sad that she chews the food and then spits it out even though she finds it very delicious and is actually hungry. The second swing scene is where they have an immediate rise and fall, first opening up about things like virginity and sex and Luke asking if she was abused sexually when she was younger which she says the “casual groping” as women tend to grow out breasts and the “slurs” which they both ironically discuss how women are just objects for men –which this was one of the good points the movie brought up, how women get cat-called so often that they don’t even view it as sexual harassment anymore and how it’s a problem in society and how it deeply affects women and objectifies them and we need to shine light on it- he says that she needs to be touched by someone who cares about her and kisses her, as the kiss deepens, Luke says that he’s falling in love with her and that was so irrational for her that she breaks them off and says they haven’t known each other enough to fall in love and Luke blames her on that behalf. We don’t see the relationship getting fixed or better as Eli wants to get out of the house Luke says to her that she’s his only hope in life since his dream of being a ballerina is crushed due to the fact that his knee now needs surgery but she just leaves him to get out. At the end as she has the dream (which is my final point of discussion) we see Luke in her dream and how he helps her survive and come back to the house. (I personally hope they get back together!)

3.       Eli’s final dream/coma: after her heartbreaking scene with her mother she takes a late-night trip to the desert as she gets tired and lays down, she wakes up in some sort of after-life (as she has been eating poorly the past few days and she has finally achieved her goal of fitting her arm into her fist meaning that she has lost her hope and there isn’t much left of her) she’s looking healthy and is greeted by Luke pointing out a tree, on the next scene she’s sitting both under the tree and on the tree with Luke, sharing an intimate moment with him and looking up at herself feeling discussed with her now full-of-hope self. Luke asks her to look at herself to which she looks down to see herself lying on the ground, naked, dead, to the bone; she finally realises what she has done to herself and what the effects of her death may be and when she wakes up she’s finally happy to be alive and looks joyfully at life. Now she’s ready to heal, finds out who actually cares about her as she tightly hugs her step mum Susan which she found annoying at first (because she actually cared) and now wants to try one last time.

 Final thoughts: This movie was directed by Marti Nixon a woman in her early 50’s which was loosely based on her own life experience and wants to shine a light on a mental disorder that is quite popular amongst women. I think it had a really good point-of-view and discussed so many taboo things in society, such as LGBTQ+ rights, mental disorders and toxic family behaviours. I would definitely recommend everyone to watch it and not take things they have in life for granted and how they should review their behaviour towards life and other people –and how deeply one wrong action can change a person’s life entirely- and take better care of themselves and their beloved ones (as we can see that Eli was an effect from a failed relationship of two people who probably didn’t want kids or didn’t know how to raise one and how Eli blames herself for all that mentioning that she’s not viewed as a “person” anymore in her parents’ life but rather as a “problem.”)  And not respond with “you just want attention” if someone opens up about a struggle to you.

 -Negin Hamesh 10/06/19, a brief review of the movie “To the bone (2017)” directed and written by Marti Nixon.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #354

“swimming through the void, we hear the word  /  we lose ourselves, but we find it all”

The last time you washed your hair, did you use conditioner? I never do. My hair is naturally pretty oily, and conditioner just adds oil to it. Do you prefer light or dark jeans? Dark. I never liked light-hued jeans. When you listen to music, do you generally sing along, or just listen? I almost always just listen. Do you have any of your exes as friends on Facebook? Yes. Who was your first love? Do you ever miss that person? My first "real" boyfriend. I always do to varying degrees. How many cars are parked at your house right now? Just one. Do you have any Italian ancestry? No. Do you prefer water to be ice cold or at room temperature? The colder, the absolute better. I can barely stomach drinking water that isn't cold, like literally. Has anyone ever told you you’re a control freak? No. Do you know anyone who has gone missing? If so, were they ever found? I don't think so, anyway. What was the spiciest thing you’ve ever eaten? A certain hot sauce on the wings I used to get at Buffalo Wild Wings. It was close to the top of their little heat rating thing. It made me feel awful, and yet I enjoyed it still?? I think it was an adrenaline thing. I only get medium sauce now; I'm more interested in enjoying my food than feeling like I'm eating fire. Do you need to talk to someone? I'm ready for my therapy appointment honestly, but it's not 'til the start of June. Mom and I both don't want to go through the process of finding a new one, so I've chosen to just suck it up and wait. Is something confusing you at the moment? I'm always confused with myself and my feelings. When was the last time you had a real deep chat? Real deep, I'm sure that would've been during PHP. Who did you last see on webcam? My former group therapist. I miss him a lot and really wish he could treat me outside of the program, but he doesn't do that. :/ What’s your best friend’s pet’s name(s)? Doris, Martha, Crowley, Little Dot, Jane Marie, Buster, Beesly, Winter, and I believe only one of the fish is named: Raisha. Have you ever taken a picture while laying in the grass? No. Who’s your favorite Disney character? Dory, probably. Have you ever deliberately tried to get someone drunk? What the fuck, no. When was the last time you used a pay phone and who were you calling? I've never used one. Do you like being kissed on the neck? Whoa now buddy, we better be kind of serious by then for you to do that because it doesn't end "well" lmao. Have you ever had sex with someone you weren’t dating (but had feelings for) in the hopes that they would ask you out later? I almost deleted this question because I didn't want to answer it, but I try to leave more unique ones in, so... whatever. I haven't. But I would for "somebody." What’s the most you would be willing to spend on a good bra? Ugh, my relationship with bras is a hellish one because NONE FUCKING FIT ME CORRECTLY. Mom's tried so, so many places, so many different stores online and in-person, and even if the bra fits in the front, it won't go around my back comfortably. I guess my body is shaped weird, I don't fucking know, because I have literally ZERO bras that don't aggravate me. At some point, I'm going to some woman Mom knows who can size me properly and therefore buy some that don't piss me off. All that to say I'd actually pay more than the usual, but not a ridiculous price. Do you have any of your teachers’ personal cell phone numbers saved in your contacts list? My old Physical Science teacher, who is actually now a very close family friend and our landlord, is in my phone. Do you ever stalk peoples’ personal blogs, even if you don’t know them very well? No. What’s one thing about today’s generation that you just can’t stand? How ungrateful they can be. Be honest: how do you feel about abortion? I am pro-choice. Is there anyone you currently want to reach out to? There's a lot of people, actually. Old friends I miss. What is your favorite piece of art you own? It... sounds cocky, but it's probably the drawing I did in high school of Pyramid Head and the Halo of the Sun intertwined. I worked my fucking ass off and I'm extremely proud of it. What’s the one thing you apologized for this month? Hm. Probably just something minor, like bumping into Mom or something when passing her. My favorite color is ______? Pink, specifically pastel pink. I wish I had _____? A job. What did you buy today? Nothing. What has challenged your morals? Life, my dude. Live and learn. What made you pick up the last book you started reading? It's the sequel to the last book I read. What about your life concerns you the most? Concerns me, my physical health, especially just how weak my legs are. I'm terrified of them continuing to deteriorate. What do you find particularly offensive? Would you say you’re easy or difficult to offend? I cannot fucking stand the misuse of the word "retarded." Like just keep your damn mouth sewn shut if you have the audacity to say things like "hurr hurr this driver is retarded." ANY mental illness/condition is NOT to be mocked. Onto the next question, I'd say I'm more towards difficult to offend. It really depends on the topic. What was the last series you finished watching? Do you have any plans to begin another? I re-watched Fullmetal Alchemist w/ Sara. We're working on Avatar: The Last Airbender too, but I won't resume watching it again until we can do it together. What is one way in which you are different from a year ago? What is one way in which you are still the same? Well, I weigh a lot more. .-. I gained back almost all the weight I shed since quarantine started, and I'm forever fucking furious about it. I'm the same in most other ways. If you could learn about anything without the stress of grades or cost, what kind of classes would you take? Uhhhhh meerkat behavior? Idk. Name a song you’ve listened to today? I've got Halocene, Lauren Babic, and Violet Orlandi's cover of "Aerials" by System of a Down on loop right now. It's fucking gorgeous and so mesmerizing. When you were younger, did you have a swing set or a playhouse in your backyard? We had a small playhouse with swings and a slide. Is your mall nice? GOD no. You better accept the possibility of getting shot before you walk in there. There's nothing that cool at all there. Do you have a Sonic near you? If so, what’s your favorite drink from there? Yeah. I love the strawberry slushy, and the Reese's Blast thing if KILLER. Will you be voting in the presidential elections next time around? Yes. How do you feel about chocolate-covered strawberries? GOOD. STUFF. Did you ever stop having feelings for someone and then started having those feelings again for them? I think so. Do you hate the last guy you had a thing with? No, he's my closest guy friend. To whom did you last give the finger? Probably some idiot that ran a red light. I'm sure it happened in the car, whenever it happened What was the last musical instrument played in your presence? I've got no clue. Do you like sprinkles on your ice cream? No, I hate the texture difference. And just sprinkles in general. Honestly, have you ever crashed a party before? No. Do you know how to do the moon walk? No. Has anybody ever told you that you have a good singing voice? Yeah, but I beg to differ. Onion rings or french fries? French fries. I'm not a big fan of the other. Has anybody ever described you as a heart breaker? Nope. Has anybody ever told you that you talk too fast? When I'm excited, yes, it happens sometimes. Who is the best cook that you know? Uhhhhh idk. Which meal throughout the day do you skip the most? I don't really skip meals. What’s the largest amount that you can juggle at one time? I can’t juggle at all. What was your favorite thing to go on at the playground as a kid? Swings. I'd dash to those at recess to try to actually get one. Do you know how much you weighed at birth? How much? All I know is six pounds, no clue on the ounces. Which aspect of your daily routine takes the most time? What do you do? Sitting my ass at the computer, really... I don't exactly do much. Do you enjoy buying gifts for others, or could you do without this? It feels sucky of me considering whenever I do get someone a gift, it's because Mom is letting me use her money with me being without an income, BUT I still do LOVE the process of thinking of something meaningful for those important to me and hopefully seeing them love whatever I got them. I cannot wait until I actually can do that regularly. What is one thing you are expected to do, if anything? Take care of my pets. How do you tend to view driving? Monotonous or entertaining? I hate driving because you're in a speeding box of death, man. I do really want to start working towards my license though; I've long since reached the "enough is enough" point. But first I need new glasses so I can actually see five feet in front of me. Do you enjoy talking about music with others? Yeah! Is acting something you enjoy? No. I'm too awkward about it. When do you feel most accomplished? When I finish a big art pierce. Do you think Manwich is amazing or completely gross? I like 'em. Just messy, which I'm not a fan of. How many best friends do you have? One. Are you a smoker, drinker, pothead or none of the above? None of the above. If you have your ears pierced, when did you get them pierced? I don't remember exactly, but I was a kid. Do you own any exercise machines? No. I wish. On Facebook, do you have people listed as your siblings who aren’t really your siblings? Nah, but I used to do that. Have you ever drawn or painted a self-portrait? Painted, but only because it was a school assignment. Who was your last voicemail from? I don't get voicemails because mine isn't even set up. Have you ever been falsely accused of something serious? No. Did you ever set up a lemonade stand when you were a kid? No. When was the last time you spoke to someone in a different language? Not since I was taking a test in high school for my German course. My teacher was a Germany native, so she was a total pro and fun to learn from. Have you ever received an anonymous gift? No. Have you ever camped out somewhere for an event the next day? No. That's always sounded miserable to me. When were you the saddest in your life? 2016 was fucking miserable. Do you know anyone, personally, who is in an abusive relationship? Are you? I don't know if it's abusive, but it's toxic and dysfunctional as HELL. I don't know WHY she keeps going back to him, I feel awful for the woman. I'm definitely not, 'cuz I wouldn't tolerate that shit for half a second. If you have siblings, have they moved out or do they still live with you? They've both moved out by now. Have you ever gotten searched by the cops? Yes, as a safety protocol with mental illness stuff. Do you like fried rice? Yes. What was the last thing you drank? Would you believe me if I told you I have water right now?

[simmer-for-hire-blog]

Why I haven’t been around.

Hoo boy, this is gonna be a Longpost™ so I’m probably gonna put it under a cut, just so you guys don’t have to look at the whole thing on your dash. But this is basically just gonna be me outlining why I haven’t been around on Tumblr, and more broadly just kinda everywhere. Also, there might be some darker themes and stuff, so I’ll make sure to put in the appropriate trigger warnings in the tags. And before any of you rush to judgments, no I’m not making this post to garner sympathy or for notes or anything like that. If anything I’m just trying to provide an explanation to those who follow me and are disappointed by my lack of posts, and potentially raise awareness for what I’m going through and provide some basic information. So hold on to your hats, because here we gooo! (There’s also gonna be some TMI in here about periods and stuff so if that kind of thing grosses you out then you probably shouldn’t read this tbh)

So I’ve had a few health problems - both physical and mental - that I’ve been trying to  overcome over the past couple of years or so. Most of my problems concern the endocrine (hormone) system and reproductive organs, so if this is TMI, then it might be better for you to not continue reading as I will probably go into some detail.

For about a year or so, I’ve had the official diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS, but I’ve been suffering from it for a good five years or so idk? For those of you who aren’t familiar with it, it is a condition that is related to abnormal hormone production in the body, which results in characteristics such as excess hair growth, weight gain, irregular or no periods and - the main focal point - fluid-filled sacs growing in the ovaries, which can cause a lot of pain if they burst. I’d just like to make a note here that I am in no way an expert, so the information here may not be completely accurate, so I urge you to do your own research on this if you wish to find out more, rather than taking what I say as fact. My personal experience with this has been less severe than a lot of cases, I would say. I first started showing symptoms around 2014/2015, when my periods became irregular, and eventually stopped altogether over the period of about 4 months. Naturally, I went to see a doctor, and had maybe the worst experience I’ve ever had with a medical professional. It took him two years (still with no periods) to finally admit that something was wrong, and I ended up having to enter each medical appointment with the attitude that I would need to fight tooth and nail to get him to admit that I could have a problem. But eventually he agreed to send me for an ultrasound, and there it was found that I had a borderline amount of cysts (not enough for a certain diagnosis, but too many to say that there was nothing wrong), leading to a diagnosis being given, as I had a lot of other symptoms. There is no treatment for PCOS, as it cannot be cured, so all the doctors can do is suggest options to manage the symptoms. One such option is the contraceptive pill, which they put me on. I had such a terrible reaction to this that I stopped taking them because it was impossible for me to function as a human being while I was on them, as they worsened the disorder that I will tell you about next. However, when I came off the pill, I actually started getting periods again, which seemed like a miraculous recovery, until something worse happened...

So I was thinking that everything would be magically better when I started having periods again. Unfortunately for me this was not the case. After coming off the contraceptive pill, I had regular (yet very light) periods again. So this meant that the cycle of hormones was continuing normally. For the week or so leading up to my period until a couple of days into the period, where people would often experience PMS, it’s like I became a different person. I’d have episodes where I’d be so sad that I couldn’t get out of bed, and would sometimes barely be able to move. Obviously this caused me to miss a lot of school. I think my attendance at the end of this school year must have been like 50% or something. I’d also experience fits of violent rage, and overwhelming thoughts of self-harm and suicide. In February of this year, it all became too much for me, and I was admitted to the hospital after a suicide attempt. Luckily for me and everyone around me, I survived and was discharged a couple of days afterwards. My memory of the event is terrible due to the nature of the attempt so I couldn’t really tell you very much about my experience. It was a very strange period of time, because about halfway through each period, these symptoms would fade away, and I’d be left wondering why I’d ever had these thoughts and feelings, because they wouldn’t even cross my mind when these ‘episodes’ weren’t going on. It was during this time that a family member sent me a link to an article. This article was about a woman who, like me, suffered an almost complete personality change for a few weeks per month, in a seemingly cyclical nature. Like me, this started when she first got her periods and didn’t affect her all the time. The only difference is that her periods were always regular, whereas I had barely had any due to the PCOS. This woman was diagnosed with a disorder called Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder, or PMDD. A lot of the information is on the website that I have linked, but feel free to do your own research if you’re curious. To summarise, it is a disorder caused by sensitivity to normal hormone fluctuations that causes extreme mood swings, depression, anxiety, bursts of rage etc. between ovulation and bleeding (which basically means the week or two leading up to your period). For me, this disorder is crippling, and has destroyed any chance of a life I could have had. I cannot continue any form of education, I cannot work (I had a job for about an hour before I couldn’t take it but that’s another story), so there’s not much to do with my life. Lately I have been thinking long and hard about some information that I’ve recently come across. According to the Equality Act of 2010 (this applies to me because I live in the UK, but it’ll be different in other countries), a disability is defined as ‘having a physical or mental impairment that has a substantial and long term negative effect on your ability to do normal day to day activities’. According to this definition, my PMDD is a disability, but I haven’t fully read up on the legislation, so I couldn’t whether legally it would count or anything like that. I also don’t know how I feel about being defined as ‘disabled’, because mental disorders aren’t typically seen as being disabling in our society and there’s a stigma around people with disabilities being ‘helpless’ and I’m certainly not that, and I don’t want to undermine people who suffer from physical disabilities by calling myself ‘disabled’, so there’s a whole host of reasons why I don’t want to jump to that.

Contrary to what I’ve been saying here, there is actually hope for me. PMDD and PCOS are not completely curable per se, but there are ways to manage and educe symptoms, so I can live a normal life (PMDD is more curable than PCOS however, which has been touched upon in the article I linked earlier, and I will briefly discuss in a second). However, so far my GP has been of absolutely no help, and I fully intend to complain officially because the way they have treated me is appalling and has basically ruined the current state of my life. That is why I decided to see a private specialist. I am so lucky that my family have the financial security needed to be able to afford a private healthcare consultation, because I received so much more help from them in the half hour consultation than I ever received from my GP in the four years that I have been going to them for help on these matters. The private doctor listened to the timeline of events that I laid out for her, and the full extent of what is currently going on, and recommended that I take vitamin supplements, as they have been proven to slightly manage PMDD symptoms, and prescribed a five-day contraceptive which would hopefully get my periods kick-started again, as I have missed the last four months with no sign of them returning. I’m currently on the last day of this contraceptive, and I’ve been suffering with really bad PMDD (didn’t really help that I was out drinking on friday which usually makes my symptoms worse, but oh well, it was a good night), so hopefully these will yield results within a couple of days. The consultant is also following up with a colleague in London who is an expert on this kind of thing, and will shoot me an email if she finds anything else out. Treatment options for PMDD can include inducing menopause early or even a hysterectomy (removal of the female reproductive organ), but I have been told that hopefully it will not come to that.

So yeah, that’s been my journey so far. During this time, it’s been difficult, even impossible, to keep up with this blog. I hope that you understand why I haven’t been able to update regularly. If you have any questions, please ask me, and I’ll try to the best of my ability to answer all of them. If you’ve read this far, thank you for sticking with me, and by the way, thank you for 738 followers! I really don’t deserve that much love and support considering I haven’t made a post in months, but it means a lot. I hope this post informed you all about what I’ve been dealing with and all that, and I’ll try to make some sort of recovery in order to keep posting here. I love you guys xx

[countcockulaaa]

Can we get a life update?

Lol ok sure, it’s been a long time since I’ve done one so it might be a lot, but I’ll try to make it as succinct as possible. It’s probably gunna be a little depresso at times and I apologize but that’s life.

Bean and I have been officially together for about a year and a half and things are actually going pretty well. It seems like we’ve both started making progress on our own mental health stuff, and we’ve really changed how we interact with each other, and tbh… despite our issues, we’re both growing and this is by far the healthiest relationship either of us has ever been in. 

I’m not working with Petco anymore. I still have mixed feelings about that, to be honest. That place was awful for my mental health and treated me like shit in so many ways, but I miss working and feeling like I’m making people’s lives better, ya know? I miss training. I miss being able to contribute financially to my life. 

I’m thinking about going back to school. I only have a year left to get my bachelors in forensics but I think I’m gunna go for an associates in small business/entrepreneurship because 1) that’s more marketable for jobs and 2) I really want to rebuild my sitting/walking business and transition it to dog training in the future, so that would be more helpful. I do intend to go back and finish my BS in forensics tho, just not right now. 

We got two kittens. They’re wonderful and they each have a person; I’m Rin’s human and Bean is Yuki’s human. They’re little demons but they’re wonderful. Roxy is a little too old and cranky for them but we make it work. They’re turning into big beefy boys and when they’re not wreaking havoc on my life and home, they’re delightful. It doesn’t heal the hole that losing Scout left in my heart and soul, but when Rin snuggles up on my boob, aggressively demands that I give him kisses, and then falls asleep with his face nuzzled in my neck while he purrs like a little Harley, it makes it sting less. 

My health has not been ideal. Physically or mentally. I ended up having to take an emergency leave of absence from work (which led to be being “let go”) because I had spiraled downwards very quickly and was actively suicidal. More on that fun shit in a minute. I’ve gained weight, my skin is a mess because doctors and insurance suck donkey dick, I’m dizzy and shaky all the time, and I just generally feel super shitty. Plus side, my hair is growing back beautifully; its between medium and long again and thicker than ever, so my glorious mane will be back to pre-TSW levels of glory soon. 

Mentally, the past five months or so have been the hardest of my life. I had a couple of suicide attempts that I kept completely to myself and managed to save my own ass from. I had a good chunk of time where I was self harming at least every other day. I couldn’t get out of bed. I actively wanted to die. I tried to die, more than once. I tried a partial hospitalization program but it didn’t work out, like… at all, except to give me a diagnosis that I’d already figured out on my own (borderline personality disorder HEYO). So I kept on with therapy and got in to see a psychiatrist on my own. I’m on meds (Seroquel and Lamictal every day). I’m in therapy twice a week, and Bean usually comes with me for one of those sessions. I even found a DBT handbook with like 500 handouts from the woman who created DBT, and I’ve been casually working on the skills until I can find a group in my area. I’m also looking into groups for abuse and sexual assault/rape survivors. 

I’m doing better now, except for the going stir crazy not working thing. Meds are helping. I’m devoting a lot of time and energy to figuring out who I am as a person, because I really have no sense of self or identity. I’m so lucky to have a partner who not only acknowledges that I’m my own person (the bar is SO FUCKING LOW GUYS it’s unreal) but also actively encourages me to be myself, to follow my passions, to allow myself to unlock those parts of myself that I’d shoved deep down and pretended didn’t exist, to be assertive and fiery and take control. It was scary as fuck at first but my confidence is growing and I’m slowly remembering who it is that I am, and filling in the blanks as I go. 

Made a porn blog. I realized a lot of the stuff I was into was a way of coping so having that blog is also kinda helping me rediscover what turns me on and what I want. Working on being assertive in the bedroom. I’ve always had a bit of a domme streak in me but it got beaten down into straight up constant submission and that’s not the case anymore, and I’m having a lot of fun exploring the switchy sides of myself. It’s nice to not be shamed for taking control or having fantasies. I’ve even posted some stuff of Bean and me on there. 

I stopped drinking so much. We’ll have a beer or two a couple nights a week but I haven’t gotten drunk off my ass in a long time, and that’s a lot of progress from where I was two years ago. I smoke a fuck ton of weed. It’s nice to be able to go out and remember the night, not make an ass out of myself, and then go home with someone I love and not wake up feeling like an idiot. 

I started writing again. Not a whole hell of a lot, but I’m writing more and more as time goes on. It makes me happy. Soothes my soul, as it were. I wish people cared enough to read it, but that’s not the point. I usually only write when I get overwhelmed with emotion but it’s a great start towards building healthy coping mechanisms. The self-destructive impulses have dulled a little bit. 

Bean and I both desperately want to get out of New England. We can’t afford it but we’re both done with this place. I’ve been done with this place for over a decade but I’ve been so stagnant and stuck in a rut here, whether it’s been a prison in my own mind or being tied down to someone who doesn’t want to (or can’t) just up and leave. It’s something we’re thinking about for the future tho. 

I’ve changed a lot in the past few years. Hell, I’ve changed a lot in the past few months. I’m not who I want to be yet, I’m not where I want to be, but I’m finally making progress towards that person and that place. I don’t know when I’ll ever get there, or even if I’ll ever get there, but for the first time there’s some hope. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I have no idea what I’m doing, but I’m trying to build a future that I never thought I would have. 

I’m not sure if I missed anything- I’m sure I did. It was so sweet of you to ask! If you wanna know more about anything or if I missed something you wanna ask about, let me know- I’m an open book :)