#this was a lil rough but it also fried my brain so i can't edit it any better lol

[vilisisms]

˚☽˚.⋆ ― riley shaw / post event self-para

Every second since she opened her eyes in the oea headquarters she hadn't been left alone. It wasn't a mystery to her as to why. Her friends and family had lost her, seen her displayed like a pig after slaughter. That does damage. The kind that was hard to repair, only time and a good therapist could stitch back up. That didn't change the fact that riley was not a people person, she wasn't clingy and she hated when people hovered. The hybrid knew it was all out of love, concern, worry, and though they might not being saying it to her, she could smell the guilt. Riley only blamed the oea, the people responsible only got a taste of what they have coming to them, especially now that she had completed her transition.

It was hard to think about anything though, with everyone suffocating her. She was trying to best to be there for them, despite being the one to have gone through the trauma of being tortured and killed and then waking up in transition, she felt she had to keep a facade up for them. So they knew she was ok, to do her own twisted version of comforting them with dark humor and sarcastic comments. The truth was, every time someone looked at her she could feel every ounce of her body flood with emotions begging to overflow and pour all over them. As a werewolf, she was used to the heightened emotions and had damn near perfected repressing them. Now it was harder, where as before they grew like a flame, but now it felt like a bomb igniting within her. It was getting more difficult to keep the explosion behind her brick walls, they were growing weak with every attempted smile, every failed attempt from her sister to not cry, every time oliver couldn't even look her in the eyes (not that she wanted him to, they have since turned into a glass window)...

Riley knew she had to get away. Away from it all. There were moments where things felt normal again but she couldn't even be around her friends without being excessively aware of the sound of their blood pumping through their veins. The thirst was the worst part, it consumed her. A blood bag does the trick but not when she was constantly surrounded by the real deal. Hurting her own family friends was the last thing she wanted but it was getting harder to pretend like she had it all under control. Not when the truth was that she had never felt more out of control in her own body.

The decision to leave was easy. All it took was one look in rykers eyes, her beautiful hues told a story and she didn't like the ending. every time she looked at the girl that had her heart in the palm of her hands, she knew she was now being unfair to her. she was a hybrid now. her family friends may have watched her displayed by the oea but at least they didn't know they were going to see that. riley knew she was going to have to watch the people around her grow old and die while she remained. she knew she would watch ryker do the same and the thought of holding ryker back from the life, no, from the love that she deserved to have, it was paralyzing.

the blonde left a note on her bed explaining she was going to be gone for a while to work things through, needing the space and the wide open road to clear her mind, to adjust, to say all the things her fucked up head struggled to say out loud. asphalt, gravel, and the speed of her bike have always been able to comfort her, speak to her in, help her in ways people never could.

'who am i?' she asked the sunset one night, and the silence that she got back was deafening.

she didn't know who she was anymore, what life would look like for her anymore. was she even pack anymore? she knew she would always have parker as her pack now, and that brought a little comfort but after a week of the road, she still had no answers. the only silver lining to the trip was she learned how to snatch, snack, erase. she had met some pretty awesome people at dive bars along the way, but they only helped her temporarily forget her situation and then she was back on the road.

"shit, brace for impact, riles" she whispered to herself as she passed the mile marker heading back into town. she thought the roadtrip had worked, or at least slightly fixed her but everything that she had ran away from came rushing back. with the open road, the moon overhead, and the wind all around her the hybrid let it all out. a scream ripped through her, joining the night. she hadn't screamed like this since the night of the gala. a part of riley wanted to stay away, like it would be easier to go ahead and cut the ties to avoid the slow burn that her immortality would bring but she never could stay away from new orleans for too long, no matter how many times she swore she'd never come back. she knew there were people there that needed her, as fucked up as that was, she couldn't leave them.

just, not yet. she had to do what she could to make the oea pay for what they've done first, and she was determined to do whatever it took to make that happen. then.... maybe then she would rip the bandaid off.