#this put the looniest smile on my face

[world-of-fire-and-flight]

😂😂😂😂 I'M PRINTING THIS OUT AND FRAMING THIS LIKE I NEARLY DIED READING THIS BECAUSE I WAS TRYING SO HARD NOT TO LAUGH AND IT'S COMPLETELY UNFAIR HOW I WAS TILTING MY HEAD IN 18TH CENTURY INTRIGUE ONLY TO READ THAT HEAD NOD LINE IN THE BEGINNING

*taking notes* bursting out into songs will squander unwanted conversations

But yeah that's pretty much how the button installation went down. A+ recap for the community, bestie😎👍💜

“Welcome to the team, Mr Henchman. You start Monday.”

Pairing: Oblivious x Smitten tried for Sassy!Villain x Adorable!Henchperson but idk how to do sassy on purpose :/

Dialogue: Villainy begins at home I admit it's a stretch OR it could be the theme and so it's not a stretch in that case

Finishing touch: I'm rotten to the core, who could ever ask for more? I get bonus points! 🤩

A/N:

Inspired by @world-of-fire-and-flight-admin, this post, and this post.

Written for #Villaintine’s Day 2023 by @black-rose-events :)

Just realized it's Monday today lol 😎 The title fits!

—

“Good morning, everyone!”

“Good morning,” replied the two villains.

“I hope you don’t mind but I made breakfast for everyone!” The newly hired henchman had a legitimate picnic basket in one hand and a thin vase with a few flowers in the other. 

“Oh, Henchman, you didn’t have to do that,” Codex said, but then also immediately cleared space on the common desk. “I wouldn’t mind some food though. And poor Spectre was just telling me how she couldn't eat breakfast today.”

“Oh dear, why ever not?” His smile had turned into a pout and Spectre’s stomach butterflies had ample room to fly around. She was going to have a word with those butterflies, this was all part of their scheme, she knew it.

“Oh…just…nerves.”

“Oh, I get it. I was a nervous wreck all weekend and this morning. My first job in a while, y’know?”

Codex nodded in understanding; Spectre moved her head in a way which could be considered a nod by 18th century metallic fortune teller standards.

Henchman hadn’t had a job in a WHILE, and not for a lack of trying. He was the longest resident of the goon shelter, he had seen goons come and go, all while he stayed and hoped to find his own loving evil lair some day. 

Alas, it had been years. 

Villains were too discriminatory when hiring henchpeople. He could hench just as well as the next guy, if only he was given a chance BUT it didn’t matter because he was always passed over based on superficial standards. 

‘He’s got a better evil laugh than me, what would the heroes think?’ 

‘He’s better looking than me, I can’t have that!’ 

'He looks cooler than me, that's like the first rule of henching!' 

‘I don’t trust him’ was the consensus. Everyone just assumed he was out to steal their job, or worse, their hero. 

It was sad. Another tragic backstory in the villain community.

But hopefully not anymore!

Two up-and-coming co-conspirators had given him a chance! They had just started a small evil base in the local community and had invited him for an interview! They both seemed really villainous and nice. One of them seemed quieter than the other as the interview went on, though. He talked about his interests, his time at the shelter and his flair for the dramatic. He thought he had said something wrong but he had been hired so it must not have been that bad. Oh, he hoped he got to fix his relationship and get to know her, they’d become the best of friends and he’d have a great evil lair for life.

He was so grateful these two weren’t meanies like all the rest of the villains. He really hoped all their schemes were successful.

He had been so excited for his first day that he barely got any sleep! So he made everyone breakfast. You know what they say, the way to a person’s heart is through their stomach, and Henchman had learnt so many dishes from all the henchpeople he had seen come and go from the shelter.

But he wanted to ease them slowly into his culinary prowess, so he went simple today.

“Here you go,” he said while serving eggs, sunny-side-up, in everyone’s plates, topping them off with homemade brown bread and mango juice.

“Ooh, I forgot you said you cooked. Do you like to bake? Spectre loves baking, don’t ya, Specs?” She nudged her co-conspirator who was acting out of it today, just like at the interview. “Spectre. Are you okay?”

“Yeah! Never better!" she almost shouted. "The food looks delicious, Henchman!”

Codex and Henchman winced at her volume but ignored it, “Why, thank you! I do hope you like it. Now, eat up! You can’t have a productive heist without a good hearty breakfast, Ms Spectre.”

Spectre gulped at the formality but nodded. 

—

Ms? Oh gosh, that was so polite of him! Oh gosh, she was going to faint right there! Oh gosh, she had got to get higher standards for people her brain decided to crush on!

It had all started the day of the interview when this absolute sweetheart helped her out with her anxiety. Yes, she was holding the interview, but it was still scary! And Codex was running late and had the only room key — note to self: make a duplicate. 

But anyway, she had maybe gotten a tad too nervous and this sweetheart thought she was another candidate and had tried to calm her down. Sure, it wasn’t anything crush-worthy, but one of the hazards of the heroes and villains business is that you tend to think you’re in love with the first person who shows you basic human decency. It might have something to do with tragic backstories but it was a fact and, try as she might, she couldn’t logic her way out of it.

Then, the interview. 

Oh, that interview where he talked about his interests and how he liked cooking and how he was good with little villain sidekicks and animal minions. And he may have got a dramatic evil laugh and was so goofy and adorable. 

Okay, maybe thinking about her crush was making it worse. 

She was going to stop now.

—

“So,” Codex looked over her to-do list for the big event, “We need to install a big red button in our villain lair.” 

This was her chance! “I can do that!” Yes! Keeping herself busy with work was exactly what Spectre needed to get over her not-crush!

“Excellent! Now, remember. The big red button isn’t a self-destruct button…this time. It’s for friends and fans to send a message or a ‘worst regards’ to us, got it?”

“Yes, can do, Dex!”

“And I can help!” The two turned. Henchman was standing in the doorway, holding a box he had brought to decorate his side of the office. It had little ‘best of luck’ and ‘congrats on your new job’ written on the sides. Gosh, that was so adorable; his friends at the goon shelter were so sweet.

But he looked nervous.

He had tried to be proactive and assertive but the blog posts don't tell you what to do after all the attention is on you. He wanted to hide inside his sweater. 

“Oh, that’s great, Henchman. But I think I can handle it.” Spectre sounded nervous too. Codex furrowed her eyebrows at her friend. 

“Oh, I understand. Yes, of course." He sheepishly went to his desk, wishing the lights would go out and no one could see his sure-to-be red face. 

Spectre, with a suspicious blush, turned back to her co-conspirator. "R-right. Where were we?"

"Y'know. Stuff like this is why we hired a henchperson in the first place." 

"What?" 

"Yeah! We need to hand over some of the tasks eventually. Let's start with this. You can teach him the ropes!"

She was speechless. Codex was right but gosh, why. But Spectre muttered some form of affirmation anyway.

"Great! Henchman, there you go! You and Spectre will be working together today."

"Sounds great!"

Spectre didn’t match his enthusiasm. "Yay," she muttered. 

—-

Spectre was fine before Henchman volunteered to install the big red button. Was she really looking forward to installing a button so much? Or was there something else going on?

Codex recounted the facts. 

Fact: Spectre was fine till Henchman showed up.

Fact: Spectre wasn't acting normal at breakfast either. Henchman was also present. 

Fact: She was nervous in the morning. Before Henchman brought breakfast. So much so that she didn’t eat breakfast at home. 

Had this been going on longer than just today? 

When was the last time she was fine? The day before the interview, it seemed like. Spectre had been okay, nervous, yes, but she had been happily knitting matching company scarves for the two of them and the new hire for Villaintine's Day. 

The interview was where it all started. Before the interview actually, when Codex had been late. Spectre was waiting outside. With Henchman. 

Hmmm. 

Codex frowned. That couldn't be it, could it? 

But Spectre was a villain and it happened to villains first, usually. Hazard of the job, unfortunately. 

Oh, poor Specs.

Well, let's get this over with. 

She went over her list of tasks and was able to find one that would make Henchman leave the two of them alone. She needed to have a talk with her friend about what was bothering her. 

Her friend was not going to be happy. 

—--

"I am not in love with him!" 

"I never said 'love'. I just said 'crush'." 

"I don't have a 'crush' on him either!" 

"You sure? He seems like a sweet person." 

"No!" 

"At least tell me what happened the day of the interview. While you two were waiting for me." 

"Nothing happened! I was just nervous. He helped. That's it!" 

Codex clicked her tongue. Showing basic human decency to a villain. You might as well confess your love to them. She knew of many villains who had fallen for heroes after they patched them up when they were bleeding out. 

Then there were the stats of course, research courtesy of Codex herself. 

Stat: Villain patch-ups become more frequent the closer it gets to Villaintine's Day. 

Stat: There's an increase in falling for fire- and ice-themed heroes and villains in winter and summer respectively, moderated by how much the "fallees" like hugs.

And, of course,

Stat: Most villains report falling in love after the very first act of kindness, especially if there was a smile involved, while heroes generally took longer.

But back to her co-conspirator who had turned around to face the window dramatically now. 

"I'm evil! I'm bad!" 

Then she turned around and her gaze darkened.

"I'm rotten to the core." 

"Yeah, I get it — oh no —" 

"They say I'm trouble. 

They say I'm bad." 

Oh no.

They say I'm evil

That makes me glad

Well. I'm...happy for you? 

A dirty no-good

Down to the bone

Of course. 

Your worst nightmare

Can't take me home

So you're not coming for game night? 

Ugh, so I've got some mischief

In my blood

Your family are civilians, Spectre.

Can you blame me?

I never got no love

Aww, sweetie :(

They think I'm callous

A low-life hood

I realize I don't know what callous means

I feel so useless

Misunderstood!

Aww, no :(((

💃

Mirror, mirror on the wall

Who's the baddest of them all?

Do you regularly ask the tablet on the wall this? 

Welcome to my wicked world, wicked world!

Umm…

🚪*Henchman enters*

What's going on, boss? 

… 

Sorry, what is she doing? 

She's just having one of her episodes. Best to just wait it out. 

Oh, how did it start? 

I accused her of having a crush on someone and she's in denial. Or she doesn't haven't a crush, I dunno. She started before the conversation ended. 

Oh. yeah, I get it. Love is the scariest evil of all. 

…sure.

But it's nice to be in the loop this time. At the shelter, this really sweet girl, her name was Jessica, she'd always stand in front of the TV when I was watching but she'd always share her food with me when it would go missing from the fridge, so anyway, everyone said she had a crush on someone but no one would ever tell me who. 

So, it's nice to know this time 🥰 

I'm rotten to the core, core

💃💃

Rotten to the core

So, I've got this list of tasks I need you to do around the lair. I'll walk you through them.

Cool!

I'm rotten to the core, core

Who could ask for more?

I'm nothing like the kid next, like the kid next door

Interesting that your standard for bad is your next door neighbor who's NINE.

I'm rotten to the, I'm rotten to the

I'm rotten to the core

I'm rotten to the core

Who could ask for more?

I'm nothing like the kid next door

I'm rotten to the core

⌚

Call me a schemer

Call me a freak

How can you say that?

I'm just...unique!

Freak Du Unique! 

What, me? A traitor?

Ain't got your back?

You've got my back.

Oh, we're not friends

What's up with that?

We're friends, we're friends! 

So I'm a misfit

So I'm a flirt

*sputters* You flirt?

I'm sorry, isn't flirting Villain 101?

Yeah, but still. I've never seen her flirt. 

Maybe she never found the right hero? 

Or villain — um, yeah — hero, what you said.

I broke your heart?

I made you hurt?

Dude, don't break hearts! That's not okay!

I have to agree there

The past is past

Forgive, forget

What about our tragic backstories then? 

The truth is

You ain't seen nothing yet!

You're gonna break his — someone's heart? Please don't.

Mirror, mirror on the wall

Who's the baddest of them all?

Welcome to my wicked world, wicked world!

Is it over? 

I'm rotten to the core, core

💃💃💃

Rotten to the core

Sigh, not yet

I'm rotten to the core, core

Who could ask for more?

I'm nothing like the kid next, like the kid next door

I'm rotten to the, I'm rotten to the

I'm rotten to the core. 

"..." 

"…okay, now that you've got that out of your system. I apologize for earlier. I won't bring it up again. Now, you two need to work on getting the button from the superstore and installing it. See ya!"

So Codex left the two alone, eager to get some work done before another monologue or song started.

“Hey, Ms Spectre.” 

“Y-yeah?”

“There’s something I need to confess.”

“Confess?”

“Yes. the thing is…”

“Yes?” she leaned in, fists clenched, a smile just on the edge of her lips. 

“I- I- I don’t know where the superstore is.”

“...Oh.” Spectre let out a sigh and her heartbeat relaxed. “I know where it is. Come on, I'll take you.”

"Thanks!" 

—

"Hey, Henchman."

"Yes?"

"You don't need to call use Ms. You can just call us by our villain names. Just Spectre works." 

"Oh. In that case, I'm Henchman. Nice to officially re-meet you." he had a goofy grin before getting into Spectre's car. 

Those dang butterflies were back. But she willed them down long enough to shake herself back to work. 

They drove in silence, but Henchman had a question on his mind and was just waiting to ask it.

"Ms, er, Spectre." 

"Yes?" 

"May I ask you a question?" 

"Of course." 

"Well, you see. I couldn't help but overhear that wonderful monologue you were doing. The apple core one?" 

"Ye-es?" 

"May I ask why you hate your neighbours so much?" 

"Not neighbours. Just…him."

"Why? If you don't mind me asking, that is." 

"Because he's the absolute WORST, Henchman."

"Why, exactly?"

"He keeps stealing the pies off my windowsill, for one."

"How do you know it was him?" 

"Because he leaves his calling card." She opened the glove compartment and handed him a paper with a cute smiling cartoon racoon drawn on it. 

"Then! I baked the entire family cookies for the holidays and he didn't bake any for me back. His parents did, but not him!" 

"Uh-huh."

"AND he and his friends keep stealing my cat and returning her in cat clothes that they've knitted!" 

"The…nerve?"

"Exactly! Codex thinks he could make a nice villain apprentice, villainy begins at home and all that, but I refuse to — oh, we're here." 

They got out of the car, bought a button, drove back to the base, and installed the button all while Spectre ranted about her neighbourhood nemesis’s diabolical misdeeds.

Henchman didn't mind. All that mattered was she was happy and enjoying herself, and she definitely was because she was currently laughing manically at the thought of knitting her nemesis neighbor itchy gloves for his birthday. She even asked him to help her bake an evil chocolate cake for the occasion. Yup, he was definitely on her good side now and he could be sure he was going to love working here.

It seemed like he had found his forever lair at last.

—

Bonus:

Codex: "Guys...this button is green." 

Spectre: 😁😀😮😯😶😅 "Uhhhh…it's so hard to find good henchmen these days?"