#this may be normal for everyone else but i took myself out of a date today

[softheartedlover]

so I did a thing today 🤭✨

[patchato]

You should have told me.

(Sanemi x Reader)

TW: Cheating, Angst

I'll be home late.

This was the nth note Sanemi left, just a phrase, nothing else.

As his fiance, it's normal to feel sulky when not told 'I love you' every time he leaves. He always did it back then. Now just feels, different. Somehow.

Hours passed and dinner became cold. I sighed and decided to go to sleep first, he did say he'll be home late. It's been like this for the past 3 months. I ignored it at first since I know he's a hard working man and marriage isn't something to take easy.

We've been engaged for a year. The ring has always brought a smile to my face, especially when I feel down or alone. I sighed and looked at it, I should probably go out tomorrow to have it cleaned. I'll ask for Sanemi's as well.

I looked at the clock while washing the dishes, '10:07' it says.

I pouted, I missed him. Maybe we should go out this saturday. My head thought of the things we can do, I smiled to myself feeling proud. I finished a few more chores and went to bed. The plushie he gave me on our very first date sat on my spot, I held it while slowly drifting to sleep.

My eyes opened and it was still dark. The urge to use the toilet forced me to sit up. I rubbed my eyes and groaned. The time read 5:51 AM, I chuckled. It's like my body knows when to wake up so I can make my future husband his breakfast and lunch.

I turned to look at Sanemi, he was sleeping peacefully. I gave him a light kiss on the cheek, my face scrunched at the smell of alcohol. His colleagues must have dragged him to drink again.

I cooked him eggs, pancakes and made his favourite protein shake. Extra red bean. The shower was already on so I know he's up and getting ready. I sat down waiting for him. His lunch consisted of fresh pickled vegetables, sweet and sour pork along with a pack of chocolates. He may not look like it but he is a big fan of sweets.

Sanemi entered the kitchen and sat down, I perked up watching him eat. He didn't even look at me, it made me feel a little sad. He always compliments my cooking but, he hasn't been doing that these days.

I picked up my fork and started eating myself, I ate slowly as it was still a little early. Going to work earlier and getting home later, it's a little weird if I do think about it. I cleared my head and smiled at him.

"Ah, I have to go." He says looking at his watch. He patted me on the head and proceeded to rush out. I pouted but suddenly remembered I needed his for cleaning.

"Sanemi!" I caught up to him snatching his hand where his ring was. "I'm in a r-", I cut him off by telling him I just needed his ring for cleaning, I looked at his ring finger but it wasn't there. We both stood there, I felt his hand tense and he pulled his hand from mine.

Before I can ask him where it was he pulled the ring out from his bag and handed it to me, "Sorry, I forgot to put it back on last night. I didn't want it to get lost." He smiled and patted my head again. Before I can even say goodbye he was already out.

It feels weird. Why is that?

I shrugged it off and began to get ready to go out after finishing house chores. I texted him that I'll be meeting with some friends for lunch and won't be home for a few hours.

Sure he didn't say he'll be working late but It's better to tell him where I am in case he comes home earlier. I took the rings for cleaning, after that I met my friends and we settled on a cafe near the sea.

We talked about my engagement and what has already been planned. I already picked the bridesmaids and the maid of honor. Everyone was excited until we talked about how I've been lately.

They gave me weird looks and they looked worried. "We don't want you to over think darling but, maybe you should ask his colleagues how he's been at the office." Kanae suggests, the other girls agreed sighing. "Why? I'm sure he's working hard for the wedding." I giggled, "Oh sweet (Y/N)." Shinobu brushes my hair, "You're, too kind for this." She adds. 'Are they saying that he might be out with some other woman?' I thought.

I understood what they're worried about but, I trust Sanemi and I know he loves me. "Thank you for your concern, maybe I'll talk to him soon about it." I answer, I have been thinking about it too but I didn't want to think that way about him. I love him, and with love comes patience and trust.

The meeting ended once their husbands contacted them that they were home. I admit I'm a little jealous, I don't exactly get what they do from their relationship but again, Sanemi is working hard for our future. We all bid our goodbyes and went home.

To my surprise, Sanemi's car is already parked outside the house. I felt excited as it will give me time to tell him that I want to go out this weekend. I unlocked the front house. His shoes were placed messily on the floor. It was weird as he is normally a well organized person. I didn't think any of it and just placed his shoes where it belongs.

I took off mine and began walking upstairs, I felt happy. I can spend time with him. These thoughts instantly vanished when I saw maroon, stiletto shoes which were peeking from inside our bedroom. I don't wear stilettos. 'Maybe it's a gift from him' I thought to myself. I walked closer to the door and that's when it was clear. He brought another woman into our bedroom.

I didn't want to look inside but I stood there looking down while listening to the moans that came from inside our room. I can hear them, making love on the bed we shared. My head was starting to hurt. A tear fell from my eye, then one after the other. I stopped myself from sobbing by covering my mouth. It hurts. It really hurts.

Is this what my mother felt back then? I tried my best not to end up like that. But here I am. I feel stupid, I shouldn't have turned a blind eye to the late nights. Him not wearing his ring. The strong smell of floral perfume on his clothes. He hates floral perfume, he said he loved that I wore vanilla perfume rather than floral. Was he lying? He probably did.

I stepped out and walked to the nearest park and sat down on the bench. I just sat there, thinking of what'll happen now. My face was dry with tears and the headache was still there. The sky began to turn dark but I didn't want to go back to that house. I sent Mitsuri a text that I wanted to talk to her. She responded immediately.

I began my journey to her house, my heart heavy. I don't know what else to think. I played with the ring on my finger, It's slowly starting to look ugly on me. I, don't want it. I took it off and shoved it inside my bag and sighed. The cab arrived at Mitsuri's house. I knocked and Iguro (my brother) greeted me with their daughter, Hana. I greeted them back and kissed the child on her forehead.

'I could've had a family with him', my head was starting to fill up with thoughts again. He invited me in and to my surprise, Giyuu, Genya, Shinobu, Kanae and Kyojuro was also there. I sat down in between Shinobu and Kanae. They stared at me, as if waiting for me to say something. I tried to talk but my tears talked for me. Kanae hugged me and I cried on her shoulder. Small sobs turned to big ones, it felt like I was fighting to breath properly. Shinobu was running my back and the others just watched.

"What's wrong (Y/N)?" Shinobu asks taking my face in her hands, It was hard to talk I stumbled with my words but she knew exactly what I was crying about when she heard 'another woman' from my mouth. They let me cry it out, they comforted me. I can hear my brother cursing in the background.

An hour went by and I began to calm down Mitsuri began to prepare their dinner and it felt like it was best for me to go back home - to that house. "Hey, you can rest here." Mitsuri says, Iguro agreed. "Rest here for the night." He urges me, I smiled and nodded. Grateful that I have such good friends. It made me feel better.

I stared at the sky, thinking of how I'll confront Sanemi tomorrow. I spent another hour crying inside the bedroom once they left me to rest. I'm not sure how to rest with such a stressful thing to think about. Should I think about it? I don't even know anymore.

Before they left, Genya went up to talk to me. His words comforted me, he has always been softer than his older brother.

What's going to happen now? I haven't been working for 1 year due to Sanemi insisting that he work for the both of us, I'm unsure when to live after breaking up with him. I'll make it work. I'm, tired. I fell asleep on the warm bed, this time my body didn't wake up to make breakfast for someone. I slept throughout the night until noon.

I ate breakfast with Iguro and his family, we talked about what to do next after my talk with Sanemi. They offered to live in one of their condominiums that they rent out from up town. I accepted the offer, I'm thankful.

I felt nervous, I feel like throwing up. Iguro dropped me off in front of the house. Sanemi's car was nowhere to be found, God knows where he is. I signed as the anxiety left my body. Iguro said he'll pick me up before sunset so I have enough time to pack my things.

I took out my bags and stuffed them all with my clothes, I didn't touch the dresses Sanemi bought me back then from our anniversary. The jewelry he said looked beautiful on my skin. The plushies, the music box that had the tune of our prom dance. The very night he promised to marry me. It was such a beautiful night, all the memories. The kisses, the night we spent together. All thrown away. I felt like crying again, but I stopped myself. I didn't want to get sick, I need to find a job after this is over.

I heard the front door open, his footsteps echoed through the house. His presence that once brought warmth and comfort now made me feel uncomfortable, it made me want to get away from him.

The bedroom door opened, I turned to him. Our eyes met, he looked tired from who knows what. "You're back." I say, he smelled of that strong perfume again. "Yeah." He replied not looking at me. My chest started to feel tight again and I can feel the tears build up. Did he even wonder where I was last night? Did he try to look for me? Probably not, he didn't even send me a text nor ask my friends if they knew where I was.

"I stayed at Mitsuri's last night." I told him with a sigh, I began to play with my ring once again. I really want to take it off now. "Why?" He asks while he takes off his necktie. The very tie that I used to always do for him. Sadly, I won't be doing anything for him anymore. My eyes wandered to his finger, no ring again. I chuckled to myself which Sanemi seemed to notice. "What's wrong with you?" He asks in an annoyed tone, how dare he? I didn't answer and just stared outside. "You've been real weird lately." He adds, "Am I?" I asked him before looking back down.

I heard him sigh and groan, "Not right now (Y/N). I'm tired." He ruffled his hair and went into the bathroom. The sound of the open shower filled my ear. How should I go about this? Do I just tell him right away? Maybe that would be better. He stayed in the shower for some time, probably clearing his head. What does he have to think of anyway? He's got two women swooning over him. One slaving away and the other squeezed herself in the relationship. I didn't see the woman he was with but I bet she was beautiful. The bathroom door opened revealing a fully clothed Sanemi.

"Sanemi." I called him before he left the bedroom. I can tell he didn't want to be in the room by the way he turned around to face me. It hurt me. He used to look at me in such a loving way, now it's just this. Whatever this is. "Your ring, it's missing again.", that one sentence made his eyes widen and he immediately started to look for it. He grabbed his bag and went through all the pockets. He forgot. He forgot I took it out for cleaning yesterday. I left it on the kitchen counter before I left for Mitsuri's. So he really didn't look for me. How funny. The face he made, the panic in his eyes. It made me laugh a little bit. "What are you laughing about?" He yells. I stopped and stared at him, "It's on the kitchen counter." I answered sighing, I should probably send Iguro a text now. "Why is it there?" He asks confused, "I had it cleaned yesterday. I left it on the kitchen counter when I dropped by yesterday." I answered, "Dropped by?" He looked even more confused. We stared at each other, he really is clueless.

"Shinazugawa, I don't want to be with you anymore."

Sanemi's face softened, he still looks confused. He looked stupid. "Wha-," I cut him off before he can ask, "I know." That one phrase sent him stumbling over the bags on the floor over to me. Seems like he didn't notice it. "(Y/N), please, I'm not..." He tried to form his excuses. "Please don't stop me, I don't have any intentions on hearing your excuses." I sighed. I wanted to cry, but that'll only make me stay with him longer. God knows I'll give in to his pleas if I stay longer.

"No please. I'm sorry. (Y/N)." He pulled me in a hug. I didn't say anything, I let him scramble with his words. His touch made my skin crawl. I began to struggle out of his grasp. It took me a minute to push him away, he's as strong as always. "You already chose your other woman." I say, "You brought her to our bed." I shifted my attention to the bed. Shinazugawa began to caress my face, spouting things that I'm not paying attention to.

"You did such a disgusting thing, Shinazugawa." More pleas and apologies fell from his lying lips. I laughed a little, suddenly remembering the first time I've seen him cry. It was over their family dog. The one their mother left him to take care of. "Why are you laughing..." It was more of him asking himself than me. "I, no longer feel anything towards you." His tears fell faster as he began apologizing again.

"Makes me wonder if I really did love you."

The tears flowing from his eyes didn't stop, he was at the floor now. On his knees, begging me to stay. "Did you even think about me when you brought someone else over." I mumbled, of course he didn't. The image of the man I once loved made my eyes sore. I took off the engagement ring, took his hand stopping him from crying and began to walk out the room. Shinazugawa began to run after me but I didn't give him a chance to pull me back as I opened the door of Iguro's car and locked it. I was finally able to breathe, then the tears came in. My heart hurt seeing him cry. Of course I loved him, I still do even if he did such a horrible thing. I wanted to hurt him too in a way.

He should have told me. We could have talked about it, whether he still felt something for me or if he fell out of love. We could have saved us.

Shinaguzawa was starting to make a scene outside, banging on the car crying all while trying to stop Iguro from taking my things from the house. All my bags we're finally in the car and it was time to leave. Leave everything behind. "Hey.", Iguro calls. He gave me a smile, "You'll be alright."

Yeah, I'll be okay. I smiled back and we drove off. I saw Shinazugawa run after the car. I couldn't help but cry. I wanted to get out of the car and hug him. I don't want him hurting too. But this is for the best. I sent him a text, one last time. Then I blocked him on everything. I wiped my tears and steadied my breathing.

'You should have told me.' Shinazugawa read the text. He couldn't call her anymore. He cried all the way back to his now empty house. He stared at the ring on his hand while cursing at himself. He knew this will be the last time he'll see her.

×××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××

Hey everyone! I missed tumblr so I'm back haha! Sorry I've been gone for some time. What do you think of this? Send your votes! I also take requests now so please don't be shy to send me a message! lotsoflove♡

[escapingrealtiylovinginsanity]

Evan “Buck” Buckley: Belt 

This is my first Buck and 911 story! I'm so excited to be writing for a new fandom! If this is what brought you to me welcome!

This was inspired by complete brain rot. I couldn’t get it out of my head so I had to write it down. I’ve been catching up so I can watch the new season of 911! Damn, Buck just does something to me. Is anyone else hoping for buddie to be canon this season? I wish I could keep him for myself but if he does have to pair off with someone it better be Eddie. 

You were known to get yourself into strange and interesting situations. You blamed it on your big mouth and openness about discussing pretty much anything without thought. Usually when people had trauma, they kept it close to the vest but you weren’t ashamed of what had shaped you. Normal taboos like mental health, past trauma, and sex were easy for you to talk about. Giving voice to things took away their power.  

This situation wasn’t one you thought you would find yourself in. Sitting in a chair trying to teach Javi how to belt handcuffs and to start foreplay in a more dominant way. When he told everyone he had a date, you had been excited for him and asked about her. When he told you she was a shy introvert who liked to read things like Haunting Adeline, Den of Vipers, and Credence you hadn’t been able to hold your laughter. 

His confusion was immediate and between laughs, you had told him to look up the books to see what they were about. His reaction had been priceless. You had tried to calm him down telling him the belt or tie trick would work on any book girly. A few TikTok thirst traps later he looked more concerned than when you had started.  

That is what had landed you in the chair in front of him. You had shown him how to loop the belt into handcuffs and pull them tight. Javi knew how to do it but was just struggling with the sass of the move. He would put your hands in the belt but he was so gentle that the movement seemed awkward instead of sexy. “Alright, I’m calling it. I’m just not getting this.”  

“Javi, it’s getting a lot better. You just need a little more...” You pause trying to think of the right word. You had been giving him corrections and he had been doing better but you were struggling to give him the right feedback.  

“More attitude,” You both look up to see Buck just a few feet away. He looks at you and requests, “May I?” Your brows furrow together but give him a deceive nod. You weren’t close with Buck but with frequenting the firehouse you knew each other well enough. He was an attractive man and you wouldn’t complain about having him in your space. 

Buck's long legs ate up the distance between the two of you while one hand undid his belt buckle using his other hand to yank it out of the loops with a snap. His hands easily formed the belt into two loops for the makeshift handcuffs. You held your wrists out willingly. He stepped even closer his tall frame overshadowing you, his legs brushing yours. You could smell the spice of his aftershave, the warmth of his body making heat flood through your lower stomach and up your body.  

He briefly looked down to slide the leather belt over your wrist but otherwise, his blue eyes stayed locked on yours. You couldn’t look away. Then in one fluid movement, he pulled the belt tight, the leather biting just enough into your wrist, as he pulled your hands up and over your head and back towards your shoulders. You inhaled sharply your body naturally arching up. Buck was leaning down enough that your breast brushed his chest. Your nipples hardening in your bra. You pull reflexively against the hold but Buck holds a firm resistance and your hands don’t move. 

His face is only inches from yours and you can feel the warmth of his minty breath. The rough fingertips of his other hand caress from your chin up your cheek to push your hair back and out of your face tucking them behind your ear. Your heart is pounding in your chest and your breath is coming out in pants. His nose grazes your ever so slightly.  

You think he is planning on kissing you. Your lips part eager for his kiss. Ready for his taste on your tongue. You are disappointed when instead you feel cold as his body heat is pulled farther from you. You look up at his retreating figure with hooded eyes. But his attention has turned to Javi. “You don’t want to hurt them- I get that. But women aren’t as fragile as you think. You want to put just enough force behind it to surprise them- catch their attention. Give them the feeling of being completely under your control. Not so they feel powerless but so they can let go.”  

Buck’s name is called from another room and he doesn’t even glance back at you as he quickly strides out of the room. “After watching that I think I know what I am doing wrong. Can we go again?” Javi’s voice pulls you out of your head. You shake your head as you slowly bring your hands back up in front of you. Your movements are shaky as you start to pull at the belt Buck had left tight around your wrists. 

“Yeah,” You breathe out finally getting the leather loose. You try not to press your thighs together as you feel the wetness in your panties and the now throbbing ache in your core. You need a minute. A long minute. “Let me just go to the bathroom first.”  

[thisismeracing]

King of my heart | extras | Yn tells Lewis she's dating Mick

― Summary: Yn and Mick finally broke the friendship barrier and started something else. It's time Yn tells her brother what's going on between her and his teammate. ― Word count: 1k ― A/n: This can be read as a stand-alone, but it’s better when you’ve read the series. ― Warnings: curse words; mention of anxiety; typos - not proofread.

⁕ see my masterlist | my taglist | KOMH Masterlist ⁕ you can support my writing by reblogging, and leaving a comment

There was a knock at Lewis' hotel door and he rushed to open it, confusion written on his face since nobody told him someone would show up. The second he opened the big wooden door he smiled, though it only lasted for the blink of an eye because he quickly gathered how Yn seemed apprehensive.

His sister was wearing one of his Merc white shirts paired with sweatpants and slippers. Her curls were up in her head messily gathered together by a colorful hair tie.

"Hey, bitsy, what's up?" he asked while opening the door wider for her to get inside. Yn did exactly that, running to one of the big armchairs in the room and folding herself there like a cat would.

"How would you feel if I told you I'm dating someone?" She asked before Lewis could say anything else. That was his sister, she would rush through things when nervous, too many expectations would make her feel sick and Yn hated feeling sick, so it was normal for her to just blurt her questions or confessions whenever something important was on the line, just like she was doing at the moment.

Lewis arched his brows, "Ok, I guess, as long as you're happy. But do you think you're ready for a new relationship?" he asked genuinely interested in her answer.

"I don't know, but I really like him, Lew. And I always wanna be around him, it's just...I- mhm I've never felt like this before." She confessed, eyes cast down. It wasn't that Yn was afraid of Lewis judging her because he would never, but he was her older brother and she held his opinion on the highest space. She was just afraid to let him down.

"I'm happy for you guys, then. Is Mick going to tell me too or-"

"Wait! How'd you know it's Mick?" Yn eyed Lewis up and down and he gave her one of his signature laughs.

"You think you're folling people? Be for real, Yn. Everyone knows or suspects. And even if you weren't obvious, I'm your older brother, I know you. I knew you were interested in him from day one didn't I?"

Yn huffed, rolled her eyes, got up, and then crashed on the oldest Hamilton hugging him.

"Thank you. I was a bit taken aback, afraid you were gonna be mad because I kind of promised to stay away."

"I knew if you truly liked him you wouldn't be able to stay away, bitsy."

She breathed in his scent and took a step back. Lewis caught a single tear on her cheek and held her face with both of his hands.

"You're safe with me. Spill it," his gentle tone made yet another tear roll down, and Yn chuckled holding back a sob.

"I'm afraid." Her voice was a weak whisper, but the British heard her perfectly. "I think things may be happening too fast, and I want them to go like this, but I'm also scared of all the attention we're getting. I mean, everyone is talking about us, and we haven't even started dating officially. I'm scared of how this can go and I don't want you to be caught in the crossfire, Lew. The media is always looking for things to point out when you're the subject and I-"

"Hey, breathe." Lewis held her face tighter as if by doing so he was holding her together too. Yn closed her eyes, breathed in and out following his lead, and then they sat on the edge of the bed. "Don't worry about me. I'm the oldest. I can take care of myself." There was a hint of humor in his comment and Yn chuckled.

"I know, but-"

"No, Bitsy. No buts. Stop worrying about me. I'm happy you're with Mick. If I had to choose a guy from the Grid it would most likely be him. I've seen the way he treats you and how careful he is with you. He's a good guy. Please, don't let your anxiety get in the way. People will talk about us it doesn't matter if we do things right or wrong, at the end of the day, you do what you gotta do to be happy, you hear me?"

Yn nodded, tears flowing down her face again. "Thank you, Lew."

"You don't have to thank me, Yn. I always going to have your back. Now, where's your phone, I wanna talk to your boyfriend."

She rolled her eyes chuckling, "he's not my boyfriend...we haven't discussed titles yet."

"You two are so oblivious," Lewis rolled his eyes exaggeratedly and unlocked Yn's phone, "if you change your password to his birthday instead of mine, I will be hurt," he tried to lighten the mood again, already searching through her contacts for the Schumacher's name.

"Hey, Mick...Can you come to my room real quick? I gotta talk to you...Yeah, my sister is crying here, and...yeah...yeah...I'm waiting."

"What the heck, Lewis?!" Yn screeched and Lewis just laughed.

It was barely a minute after and there were frantic knocks at the door. Lewis got up to answer and Yn buried her face in her hands, embarrassed by whatever prank her brother wanted to throw.

When Mick got inside he had his cheeks flushed from using the stairs and eyes wide, "what happened?" he asked and Lewis crossed his arms trying to hold back his laughter.

"Nothing, Mick. I told him about us and he wanted to prank you or embarrass us together, I dunno," Yn got up from the bed and she smiled at his reluctant face. His eyes were traveling between the siblings, but his body was turned in Yn's direction.

"Well, there goes my older brother's fun," the Hamilton sighed, and Yn rolled her eyes yet again that night, walking to Mick and hugging him. "Welcome to the family, Schumacher," Lewis smiled at the blonde.

"I'm sorry to inform you that it can get crazier than this." Yn adverted.

"I won't mind it if it means I got you," he whispered and she smiled.

― ⋆🪩 VOICEMAIL: It's been forever since I last updated it, but I'm gonna start working on it, I promiseeee <3 we're having this series finished in no time! I hope you guys liked this extra, let me know your thoughts by leaving a comment/ask and reblogging *mwah*.

Taglist: @sachaa-ff @ferrariloverr @mellowpizzapuppy @mickslover @dalsuwaha @formulakay3 @mishaandthebrits @non-stop-imagines @iloveyou3000morgan @crimeshowjunkie @saintlewis @fdl305 @carojasmin2204 @chaoticevilbakugo @wondergirl101ks @smiithys @shhhchriss @f1kota @lunnnix @leclercsluv @baby-is-crying @balekane_mohafe @uuuseeerrr12 @karmabyfernando @crashingwavesofeuphoria @81astri @pinksstrawberry @callsign-scully @moonyschocolate3 @v1naco @dearxcherry @p8dris (let me know if your tag was supposed to be only for my other works and you don’t wanna be tagged on the series! <3)

[queer-muslim-culture-is]

does anyone relate to me as a queer muslim?

Just wanted to put a disclaimer that I personally am not acting on it but I did find a way to reconcile my queer identity and religion <3

I grew up mostly thinking I was straight but in my teens I didn't label with heterosexuality anymore. I was never really passionate about queer activism but I recall being uncomfortable with homophobia at masjid and gatherings but I never thought about it too much until may 2022

That is May 27 2022 to be specific, the stranger things release date. Im not going off topic lol I promise. So basically I converted from being a mileven shipper to a byler shipper after watching. This was when my queer religious crisis started. I loved Mike and Wills relationship and I thought it was so beautiful from the way they treat each other. I was reading fanfics, watching edits, reading analysis 24/7. How could it be wrong

I knew that the logic with ''Sinful'' actions is that even though you desire benefits coming from it, and you intend good things to come out of it, the reason why its a sin is because unseen harmful effects come out of it even though that's not what we intend. ''But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.'' I could deal with the fact that queer actions were forbidden cause that meant you don't hate the sinner or the ''Sin'' but only the fact that your action has ''harmful unseen/unknown affect'' that you just have to trust in God that its there and that he would only make harmful things forbidden. For example: Promiscuity is a sinful behavior in islam, and God considers it disgusting because it is harmful, but in Jannah all the harmful effects of your desires are removed, this explains why alcohol and hoor al ayn, music etc exist in Jannah. So can I act on my queer desires in Jannah? I made the horrible mistake of going to cishet people with this question and obviously they said NO. I was so fucking pissed and mad and I felt guilty for being mad because it felt like I was questioning Allah. But mostly I was hurt because God is not who I thought he was and I felt ignored, betrayed, neglected, and I took the queerphobia as my image of God. It just made me even more pissed off when people said '' you will get something better'' why can't I get what i asked for and be treated normally like everyone else with their forbidden desires? After suffering an entire lifetime of homophobia and abstinence, God wants to brush this issue under the rug and ignore it even though it becomes a part of who a person is, where is the justice?? At that point I felt like if I couldn't get queer liberation in the next life for myself I would want it for someone else and I would fight for it. I had mercy in my heart for queer people. So this does not make sense cuz GOD IS THE MOST MERCIFUL, more merciful that any lgbtq+ activist on this earth, so God surely must out mercy me

I went through a religious crisis period for 6 months just constantly soaking up all the queerphobic media online from muslims. I felt sick reading all of it and I felt my heart drop. Why do muslims deny that queerness is not a choice. Why do these scholars have rights to speak on issues they've never experienced. How can a person tell another person how they feel. How can you deny centuries of queer people and why do some muslims make fun of queer people, hate us, think were disgusting etc. I really never felt any righteousness or respect from these people yet they say ''respect not support'' tf? I started getting depressed, failing in school because I took these people and modeled my image of Allah based on them. Why wont I get what I want in this life or the next? So my love was considered ''disgusting'' for no reason.

Then months later, everything changed. I started talking to God everyday and treated him like my therapist and I vented out all the pain of queerphobia. I did scientific research on queerness and found out that is generally innate/unchangeable and internalized homophobia turned into anger towards queerphobic people. I was just crying out to Allah wishing that Queer Love could be honored and respected one day and that slowly, naturally it turned into me making dua to Allah that queer people could act on it in Jannah. I for some reason thought it would be more acceptable to ask for queer relations without the sexual aspect lmfao my puritarian era. So anyways I slowly started making Dua to Allah often and asked all the time for queer liberation in the next life and for people I knew in real life, online, my moots, queer muslims who passed away etc. I turned the anger of queerphobia into calling out to Allah to ask for liberation for the queer ummah. I eventually also asked for the sexual aspects as well lmfao. I remember one day I prayed tahajjud and asked Allah for queer people to be with their lovers in the next life and to be themselves (gender identity) and I asked for a sign. I even talked to Allah about my love for byler lmfao dont judge me ok I was crying my ass off at the van scene where Will confessed to Mike. So anyways the ''Sign'' as I saw one day I was cleaning my room and read a book that said that Allah would never guide a person to make a dua if he didn't want to answer it. I was shook and long story short I learned that God is what you make of him and you must trust God when you make dua to him. Another Sign I saw was that I was a video literally explaining this concept in a tik tok another time after I made tahajjud and asked for the same thing again.

My perception of God has fundamentally changed and I am so grateful. Byler endgame 2024 <3

im just gonna quickly note that this blog *does* support acting on your queer attraction and i, as the mod, have multiple partners. i choose to interpret the stories that supposedly ban queerness otherwise (some of these interpretations are or will be shared in #resources) and that any harm that comes from it can either be mitigated (safe sex practices) or is the result of bigotry

but thank you for sharing your experience anon. genuinely happy that you managed to reconcile both with yourself and Allah :]

and hey, i get what you mean abt the fanfiction part skdfjh ! some of my earliest experiences w queerness were reading queer fics on ao3 and feeling,,, something. something i couldnt quite identify till years later. fics exposed me to queer romance, helped me come to terms with my allosexuality, and even helped me experiment with my gender in a way. i owe a lot to fic writers

[weepylucifer]

i try to keep it light n breezy on here, but i think i need to write some shit down somewhere. so here is a dreary little tale

so in august of last year, i had covid. it felt like a two-week-long flu, but then it was over. a year ago FUCKING PRECISELY, the Problems started. i went to multiple doctors, but no one paid me any attention, and i was told not to make a fuss, everyone was having post-covid these days, and it'd all go away by itself. further, in a breathtaking display of shittiness, my dad told me to stop being selfish and burden my mother (who, after all, has actual problems!) and himself with my shit. so i gave up. i tried to go on with my life as if nothing had happened, to get a job and finish college, and hoped that the Problems would indeed go away by themselves.

since then i have sat by and watched my body get weaker and weaker and it scared the shit out of me, but there was literally no one who would listen to me or believe me. i lost what little endurance i started out with until i couldn't make the 10-minute walk to the grocery store without almost passing out. i did faint in the grocery store, actually, and i just went home and told no one bc they would have just told me it was my fault, that if i exercised, or kept a proper sleep schedule, or what the fuck ever, i would be in the bloom of my health. for a year now, randomly, my heartbeat goes weird. i started getting dizzy spells out of nowhere with no apparent cause. i live alone. i was frightened all of the time of the day i'd just not manage to take care of myself anymore. i was convinced that if i asked my friends or boyfriend for help, they'd believe i was lying too. i had no idea what was going on with my body. post-covid can, it looks like right now, manifest any fucking symptom ever, which means it could also be anything else.

because the dizziness was getting so dire i barely dared to leave the house anymore, i decided to try seeing my gp again. this time they discovered i'm so fucking anemic it's like a dracula stole half my blood away. after i was Urged to go to the hospital, i arrived at an ER bursting with people and naturally presumed i'd have to hang around for a couple hours, but after i showed them my blood test results i was absolutely Rushed into observation. i got an iron transfusion and am on several new meds as of last week.

today there was an article in the paper (yeah, my parents still subscribe to the local paper) on the one dude in this area who treats post-covid. it lists every symptom that i have. it also says that apparently somehow covid fucks with whatever it is that makes red blood vessels. this could have been explained to me a year ago. it wasn't. i had to let it get exceedingly bad to be deemed worthy of help. that doctor doesn't even have a solution yet. just "eat beets, take walks, and exercise a bit but not too much". i still took the article and put it in my journal bc it's the first thing i've seen in a year that has validated me.

so here i am. my health is in the toilet. i am an absolute twitching anxious mess. even if everything goes perfectly with the new meds (which it rarely does for anyone, does it) it may take weeks or even months until i get to just feel normal again. i still get dizzy every day. sometimes i have a hard time focusing on reading or writing. i can't work. i can't do anything strenuous for fear of passing out. i'm staying with my parents because i'm not sure, if i went back to my apartment, if i could manage to keep myself alive. i haven't seen my boyfriend in weeks. there are friends i'm not meeting, ladies i'm not going on dates with, parties and other events that i'm missing. every time i have to text someone saying i'm not well enough to go out quite yet, i'm afraid they'll get tired of my shit and stop contacting me. my life is basically on hold until further notice.

and there are still people who have been hit way worse by post-covid than me. i am at least not bedridden, and i still have my sense of smell and taste, and it seems like my symptoms can be improved. i'm not saying this to self-flagellate, i'm saying it because it's ludicrous how callously the whole disease gets treated. people want covid as a whole out of sight and out of mind so that we can all be such productive little cogs in the capitalist machine and act like the pandemic is over. tons of people are still catching it. others will never be the same from the aftereffects of it, and there straight up is no cure for that. like what is fucking wrong with us as a world that we consider that acceptable collateral damage. for what, even? just so that we can continue avoiding taking stock of the current episteme that Does Not fucking work for most of us in the first place? just so that somewhere, for the gratification of someone, line go up? why was it so important for us, a year or so ago, to reestablish this figment of normalcy when, again, what was normal was already not working out?

[dakitsuneslibrary]

Jealousy

prompt: “You're calling that Jealousy? Believe me, if you can still use your legs, I'm not being jealous"

Fandom : College Craze (Visual Novel)

Character: Thomas Ibrahim 

For the past week or two, I had to miss multiple dates with Thomas because Shaun had to ask me certain questions pertaining to the science club, the question wouldn’t just be one, it end up being like ten, and they be so detailed that I had to thoroughly explain everything. After canceling multiple dates, because his question spurred others to ask questions to me, considering I am dating the president, they wouldn’t shoo til I satisfied their questions. There were moments I saw Thomas from afar, instead of having him handle the headache of their pecking. I took it, for his sake. Though I have noticed that he has been distant with me, especially during meetings, he wouldn’t sit next to me like usual, or have me stay after to just talk about how he handled the flow of conversation. Instead, he leave along with everyone else, also would walk me to my dorm and just say goodnight Y/N not even a kiss on the forehead or call me his flower. I feel dejected and I am gonna figure out why.

Walking to the science club, for our meeting, Thomas is the first person I see, making a beeline to him I was interrupted by a wild Shaun. “Well, well, princesca, where are you going in such a rush?” he asked, before I can even say anything, I look to see if Thomas is still there, to which he is, and set up the table like he normally does. “Oh I see, you're here to see our lovely president.” he said with a smirk and loud enough to get his attention, he lifted my chin and with a smile, he said, “it looks like you haven’t been getting much attention, princesca, I bet he doesn’t know how to satisfy your hunger,” he said leaning closer and closer to me, my breath hitched thinking of every possibility of how to stop him and the right response, I don’t want people to look at the president and think of him any less because of my actions. 

“Excuse me, Y/N may I have a word with you?” I heard Thomas's deep voice and his hand on my shoulder. Walking away from Shaun, I follow Thomas, till we end up in a whole hall of abandoned classrooms. Grabbing my hand and dragging me into one of those classrooms he locked the door behind him. “What do you think you were doing? Do you know how humiliating it would have been if someone besides myself saw what was happening in there?” he asked in a demanding tone, I opened my mouth to respond, “-Of course, you don’t, because of the fact you never think about those things, I do, I always think about the reputation I have and when it comes to you being my second in command, your reputation is also valuable not only on me but for you.” he continued, walking in front of me till I sat on what was the teacher desk behind me. 

Thomas rest his hands on either side of me and had my legs open to let him in between them. He lifted my chin up so I am face to face with him. I blinked up at him, “you're my pretty flower right?” he asked me, and I nodded. He smacks my thigh, “I need a verbal answer sweets” his voice was thick with lust. “Yes, sir” I whispered, “you remember the traffic code?” he asked which I nodded again, he raised an eyebrow indicating to tell him what it is, “red means stop, yellow means wait, and green means go,” I said with a shaking voice due to his hand traveling up my thigh and under my skirt, “good girl,” he said before smacking my inner thigh yet again. His fingers go over my lace panties, and he hums in delight, “oh look at that, my baby is all wet already. Did you get this way because of that nuisance Shaun? Or is it because of-” “-You, it always gonna be for you sir… You only” after saying this, I heard a groan mixed with a growl.

With no warning, his finger runs under my panties to slowly rub up and down the inside as well as outside of my pussy. “I forgot how wet you can get,” he said leaning down to kiss my neck, “and how soft and plush your thighs are especially after a spanking.” he continued to speak before sucking on my pulse point. My back arched closer to him, “it has been a long while, my flower huh?” he said, with the tone of voice I knew he was smirking before I can even guess why one of his long fingers go inside of me. I let out a shocked moan mixed gasp, “look at that, your tightening around me, it only been twenty-eight days my love.” he says making me squirm since he didn’t move his finger, he used his other hand to smack my thigh while slowly thrusting his finger. He made a rhythm of smacking my thigh and rubbing it while fingering me, when his pace fasten he added another. His forehead is against mine, while little whimpers and moans come out. “I know you can be louder than that, my flower petal come on” he growled having the pace faster and harder. My back arched harder than before, my moans got louder and louder, while my thighs started to shake, “can… I… Ca-can.”  stuttered, “ca-can, ca-can, can you what come on use your big girl words” he mocked me, I let out a whimper, “please…Thomas can I come!” I squeal out feeling the coil in my tummy tighten, “was that so hard?” he asked with a dark chuckle, he stopped all the motions and pulled his fingers out. 

Licking his fingers and humming in delight, “turn around and hold your arms behind you” he said, I blinked up at him and compile, moving to lean the front part of myself on the desk and hold my arms back I wait patiently. I hear his belt buckle and pants unzip, I feel impatient and start wiggling. He let a heavy blow on my backside making me squeal out, he rubs the spot he struck and cooed at me, before hitting the same spot four more times, I bit my lip while tears welled up in my eyes. He slaps his cock against my ass, the weight makes me want to go cross-eyed, before I can even think of the next move he thrusts balls deep in me. “Yellow!” I squeal, he leaned against me, no matter how mad he maybe he never will hurt me. His lips kissed down my back, he whispered softly to me, “it’s okay, baby. Breath for me” he said softly. Once I finally relaxed I gave the go-ahead, “o-okay, green” I sigh, “your sure?” he asked which I nod my head and quietly let out a ‘yes’. Thomas's thrust was very slow at first, but the more sounds that came out the faster and harder he went. His cock was heavy and wide, if he wanted to completely prep me he needed four fingers instead of two. I can feel the vein on the right side of it, brushing against my walls, it was throbbing. “Fuck, my flower petal, I missed your tight little hole. You miss my big cock too huh?” he asked. I nodded my head, “come on, let's try this again.” he said grabbing my arms and pulling me up, so my back is arched and he is deeper into me. “You miss my big cock?” he asked, I let out a loud whine and cried, “Yes! I miss your big cock, so much Thomas! Please breed me like the naughty slut I am!” I yelled, which amplify his speed and strength, “Your wish is my command flower!” I know if anyone walks by this hall will hear the sounds of me screaming in the air as well as the squelching noises of my pussy juice and his balls slapping against my skin. “You're tightening up, you gonna cum? You gonna cum on my meaty fat cock?” he taunted, hitting my spot just right, “oh yeah you are, come on baby, cum on this fat cock so I can breed you just right” with those words, I felt my orgasm hit me like a train. “Thomas!” I scream, while also feeling him giving me the milky white load I craved for the last twenty-eight day. 

When we finally cool down, he was my loving Thomas again, turning me around to have me face him, he put my clothes back and fixed my panties. He leaned down to have his forehead on mine, “I can’t believe the president got jealous, of the Shaun.” I said in a teasing way, to which he looked me dead in the eyes, and said something I never thought I hear him say. “You're calling that Jealousy? Believe me, if you can still use your legs, I'm not being jealous, my flower petal.” 

[multiplicity-positivity]

As a newly minted system, I have no fucking clue who’s at front ever. I think maybe it’s just always me, but then sometimes my vibes change. Sometimes I tic and get a headache, but really the only indication of a switch is the change in my demeanor. My friends can tell much quicker than I can. And I feel like that’s not how it’s supposed to be, but I that’s all I’ve got. Just weird passive influences an my mannerisms. Unless I’m high. Then I can tell because I’m rapid switching.

I don’t really know what my question is… like is this allowed? I always feel like me, but sometimes I’m me with added bonuses. Sometimes I’m me but I’m also a little kid. Sometimes I’m me but I’m angry as shit. Sometimes I me but I’m really protective over myself and my friends. Idk how to explain. Is this normal to begin? I literally realized I probably have a dissociative disorder a week ago and only really took it seriously a few days ago (still have a lot of doubt and would love if this turned out to all be some silly nightmare/fever dream/me being dramatic).

hey, so we’re not going to try and diagnose you, and we can’t confirm whether or not you have a dissociative disorder. i will say though, that if you’re a “newly minted system” as in a newly created system, you likely do not have did or osdd-1 (as these disorders only form in childhood).

also, i think that having different emotional states is… a normal human experience. even singlets feel small and young sometimes, or explosive with anger, fiercely protective, bubbly and bouncy, listless and dull, and everything else in the spectrum of emotion. i think it’s relatively normal to have different sides of the same person, and for a singlet to have different vibes at different times and in different situations.

we like the rings system’s explanation for this - we’ll link their video so you can check it out:

if you still seriously believe you have a dissociative disorder, we would absolutely recommend you reach out to a therapist or qualified mental health professional, especially if it’s been causing you distress.

and you can check out our master post with resources for questioning systems if you would like to do further research (which we believe is necessary, especially if you’re going to attempt self diagnosis).

i’ll also mention that, with plurality, there isn’t really a “right way to be plural.” if you feel like plural language helps you and you feel like you genuinely experience multiplicity, that’s all it takes. but with dissociative disorders, there are specific ways they present, with specific symptoms that can sometimes be debilitating, and usually requires treatment.

you can totally be plural without a dissociative disorder, by the way. but having different emotional states doesn’t really point to having a dissociative disorder, and may not point to plurality either (since having different emotions is normal for everyone).

we hope this helps.

🐢 kip

[ringyouabell]

Fri29nov

Before last time I indented the wrong day, at least the date was right. I am right now sitting at this cafe waiting for my hot americano and I was busy the whole day and couldn’t get the time to write this blog. I didn’t study all day. I was busy with something better. Sitting at this cafe right now surrounded by the chatter of med students discussing distinctly about their nuances at their school. They sound excited for some reason. For some reason I despise their excitement their tone their sentences. I don’t hate them for I have better feelings to hold onto but I just think them far inferior to me, for some reason their vivid wisdom about the various subjects of human anatomy seem petty and nuance to me. A noble profession indeed. I think this dislike for medics was seeded a long time ago. Although this loathing is baseless and unwarranted. I shall hold onto it. I haven’t initiated this blog like I normally do I felt that my modus operandi became sedentary and boring. Everything and everyone to everyone else does at some point in their lives not me though Im not a part of the sheeple minds and one may think what kind of psychotic dark shit is this guy about to spit (write) but The feeling that I have is I do fit in and I don’t wanna but I don’t have the choice to fit in. Burn all the puzzle pieces at this point. Oh my coffee is here I wont spiral outta my thoughts now.

The morning was cold like y’all must have noticed, cold mornings, winters, November ends. Reminds me of greenday that line. After a shower I prayed fajr though I woke up wayyyy earlier than I usually do. Im glad those dumb chatterboxes are out of the cafe, the med student I mean, ruining the vibe. Their esteemed presence has now been taken over by two ladies sitting beside my booth and they can’t stop talking neither! From my ears reconning their conversations which I cannot help but listen, Since they are talking like eminem on steroids, they are also med brats discussing about their neet exams or someone else’s. Hmmmmm., I can barely hear my own thoughts.

Having polished my faith all day, I feel like my better self indistinct to this world and myself, I had lost my spiritual moxie it’s hard to gain it back. I hope allah swt pulls me closer. Allahumma qaribni ilayq I watched this series on called the Empress something, being the empress of Austria particularly Hapsburg. Elisabeth the first was a peculiar empress must the first of those humanitarian nobles after the renaissance and the French Revolution. Fun fact Ludwig Beethoven was also an austrian. Although these Elizabeths except the British queen were of socialist views the patriarchal societies they were born into were the tyranny of fate perhaps. What a practical joke. Now these ladies are talking like a fucking jukebox gone haywire i need to fucking leaveeeeeeeee.

Leaving there Ive come to the gym, thinking of working out my shoulders and abs which I lack. Guess I’ll be late at going home today. Im gonna workout. Almost broke three of my fingers but Allhumdulillah ❤️

I wonder how you are doing I love your blogs too as you do mine. I took some time in the afternoon after jummah, to think about you. Then, I figured to take a nap but my sister woke me after half an hour by switchin off the fan of my room. I thought of you after I woke up, it was asr time by then, I prayed asr and asked you in all my what if’s. Now it’s about isha I have missed the jamaat, I will pray at home. After dinner. Tahajudd seems to be favouring me today, I just have a feeling. Will see you then.

Assalamuwalaikum warehmetullah ❤️

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Wednesday, December 27th, 2023

Why have the past few days been so hard I don't even understand. It's like I know all of the tools to help myself and heal, but like sleeping for example. I know I need to get enough sleep but I keep waking up extremely upset and it's ruining my mornings. I know I need to eat better but I barely have an appetite. I'm on my period and I absolutely fucking hate it. I think I may have some period-related distress disorder or something because this just can't be normal. I wish there was something I could take like an aspirin but instead of pain it would alleviate ridiculous mood swings. My period makes me feel so out of control of my body and so uncomfortable. I'm glad I have found a way to skip it for the most part, but then when I do have one it's 20x worse!!?? So either have it a quarter of the year being a nuisance or 4x a year but terrible?? Idk fml. I feel like a fucking teenager again which is 100% not my fucking speed. I am grown I want to act grown in so tired of bs people and bs situations and bs "how things should go" when it comes to social situations. I don't know how to fucking date anymore and I feel like so FUCKED UP from this past relationship. I'm so used to wringing myself dry, squeezing every drop of myself into someone just to get completely fucked over and forgotten about. I can't do that shit again. But if it's not 100%, what the fuck is it?? 10% 20% 50%? I can't imagine giving 50% of myself to someone I don't fucking know. Maybe like 5% haha. That's expendable, but is that enough to garner anything serious?? Or just a bunch of bs????? Help me please anyone 🙃

7:41am seriously coming to terms with how fucked up my last relationship was. And coming to terms with the fact that it has fucked me uP. I do need therapy tbh that would be an investment for me this year. Idc if it's through the school or not their wait-list is so stupid and long.

I want to be around more women this year, men are just making me lose my fucking mind.

7:21pm just got off of another last minute shift! I called him earlier until he finally picked up bc I can't understand his weird ass games. And weird ass games is 100% correct. He said he "silently cried" in public at his gfs parents house last night bc they kept playing songs that remind him of me.... Bro wtf... I literally don't know what to say to that shit. Then I confronted him about why he took me off everything so abruptly and he basically said that everyone else told him to. He just does whatever everyone else tells him to do, he's such a loser. Then he said that anytime his phone goes off, calls or texts, he gets anxious bc he thinks it's me calling him?? Apparently I make him so anxious now... bc he was the dumb one to get such a paranoid gf a week after we broke up, apparently I'm still the cause of numerous fights between them... Literally tho this is 100% NOT MY FAULT. YOU CANNOT BLAME ME FOR YOUR SHITTY BEHAVIOR. YOU CERTAINLY CANNOT BLAME ME FOR WANTING YOU AFTER YOU TELLING ME REPEATEDLY THAT YOU WANTED ME AND THAT YOU REGRETTED EVERYTHING. HE'S LITERALLY A FUCKING CRAZY NARCISSIST PUSSY BITCH.

I'm fully convinced that he's a narcissist now bc goddamn ALWAYS HE IS THE VICTIM!!!!! This shit is unbelievable!!!!! I don't ever see us getting back together bc like I said previously, the respect is GONE. On top of being an asshole, he literally has no fucking balls and just takes his fragile ego out on anyone he thinks he can treat like shit/ less than him. Goddamn I feel bad for that girl but on the other hand, she gets what she deserves !!! She can have your crazy ass I'm so glad I don't have to deal with this shit anymore!!!! It's like he's reverting backwards too, really acting like a brat ass teenager again, love triangles and generally NOT BEING A MAN AT ALL. Literally he acts like a child with no emotional regulation and it's sad af honestly. It's really just sad. That's why I cry. Not because I miss him, but bc I feel bad that he really is such a fuckup and I thought I could help him. I cry for my own grieving, overly kind heart that I gave to someone so fucking helpless. Beyond help at this point bc there's so many fucking people ENABLING HIS BEHAVIOR. I am literally outnumbered by stupid fucking idiots who think this shit is acceptable. I simply cannot. Good luck bro.

[returntosaturn271995]

April 18th: Fricken Pissed Part 2: Reframing it.

Life is difficult, anger is normal. Let’s make this right in your eyes:

1.  ChicExecs took my 10 page presentation and never emailed me back. I added a negative review to Glassdoor (among many already there) and somehow that just made me angrier?

Reframe: If you had worked for them, you would have had a super shitty experience. You dodged a bullet and now you just have another example of work to send people. 

2. My interview (the third one) with Diff Eyewear was disorganized and I felt like the execs were sexist despite reaching out to me on Linkedin. GOD. Job hunting is bleak.

Reframe: If they move forward, ask for a fuck ton of money. If they don’t know what they’re doing, then they don’t know what you can’t do. These people can’t recruit for shit.

3. Marvelous Mrs. Maisel hasn’t been good since season 2

Reframe: You’ll always have those beloved seasons. Besides, there might be some watchable moments along the way. (cough Luke Kirby). 

4. Pretty sure Effexor withdrawal gives me vivid nightmares and night sweats.

Reframe: Pretty sure Effexor is also what keeps me from taking a marinara bath after a hard day. All good things have prices. 

5. Now that Scott’s back in Austin he never reached out again. Which is weird because he basically wanted to marry me before. I guess pussy power is about proximity.  

Reframe: Life is long. He treated me like a queen when he was in town. 

6. James hasn’t reached out since our date last week. After all the stuff he said about being so in to me. Maybe he’s just a bad texter because he’s always been like that but still. Am I allowed to be angry? Why does this make me like him more when two weeks ago I wasn’t even sure if I was that crazy about him?

Reframe: Well at least I’m hot. That’s the only explanation for why men go so crazy for me at the beginning. He’s also been out of town. He also spent over a hundred on dinner last week. Fuck it, let him self-select out. We used a condom. 

7. I got drunk and sent my college roommate a nice text wishing her well on her engagement. Ugh I’m lame. No, she did not respond.

Reframe: At least your drunk texts are friendly. Saying kind stuff is still saying kind stuff. Also if you die first she’ll feel like a total bitch for not saying thank you. 

8. Kate’s had a dude here for two days straight and he keeps using my and Hannah’s bathroom. He goes through toilet paper at an alarming rate. He’s either buidling a mummy costume or Kate’s dating another dude who lives in his van.

Reframe: In fairness to Katie she’s only dated one dude who lived in his van. Also he clearly makes her happy. And thank god he’s moving to Bali soon. Even if his suitcase is stuffed with my toilet paper.

9. Kara Godfrey. She’s just a shitty friend. And she reminds me of a lot of shitty friends. So I project a lot of anger at the idea of her. Sara sent us both a text today, which was actually very sweet of her. I’ll try and focus on that.

Reframe: Kara’s got her own problems and I did fuck her brother years ago. She may or may not know. She’s also kind of a bad friend to everyone. 

10. Is it me? Why does it feel like it’s me? And why hasn’t therapy made me less annoying yet? I know I’m supposed to FEEL better, but I would sure love to be treated better and somehow deemed lovable. 

Reframe: All this anger is more perceived rejection than anything else. So maybe it’s a good sign it pisses me off. Because honestly I’ve been working hard on myself goddamnit. I’m having my back here.

11. I was pretty shitty at yoga today. Maybe I’ll give it another shot now that I’ve hopefully journaled a chunk of my crazy out.

Reframe: I at least rolled out the mat and cat-cowed a little. A couple of months ago that would have been a fucking punchline. Who knows maybe I’ll do it again in a bit. 

12. Once James messaged me and said “Why are you acting like a stranger?”. When he was the one who hadn’t reached out after our first date.

Reframe: So many men want to be chased and I aint doing it ‘lil mama. Lisa reached out to get pedicures, I’m going to hang with her instead.  

13. I still haven’t made the goddamn smoothie I promised myself I would make. I bought the ingredients Saturday. Maybe I’ll put on a murder podcast and TRY.

Reframe: I put on the murder podcast and made two smoothies. I feel better/more hydrated now. Some of this anger may have been based on my working out on an empty stomach. 

14. I was reading about Joe Biden and his first wife died in a horrible car crash right before Christmas that also took the life of his infant daughter.  Yes, it was 50 years ago. Yes, I already new about this. But now I’m downloading his autobiography and just lamenting the fact the BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE AND DONALD TRUMP GETS TO DO WHATEVER THE FUCK HE WANTS.

Reframe: Donald Trump could still go to jail. Joe Biden eventually met Jill. Hold your families close and persevere. Still that story is so fucking awful. My problems aren’t that big. 

15. Made the mistake of thinking too long on my walk home about a guy who took sexual advantage of me in college and realized that’s why I can’t stand soccer outside of a Ted Lasso episode. Idk why this is under the Mrs. Maisel season and yoga, but it is.

Reframe: I’m not alone. Soccer is boring. And I’m part of the cause that will improve the lives of future girls/women. Campus sexual assault is common, but that doesn’t mean it always has to be.

[ravagedarkness]

Spider-Man: Home Rebuilt, Chapter 5: Grocery Shopping

Saturday morning rolled around. Last night’s patrol was relatively easygoing. Other than that one car chase, I didn’t really do much. New York was mostly quiet. So, when I woke up, I didn’t have much in the way of aches and pains – just the normal soreness, and that would go away soon.

I sat at my desk, looking down at a piece of notebook paper and a pen. I was friends with MJ and Ned again. And I’ve gotten closer with Betty than I ever did before the spell. I guess we were kind of friends during that time, but it was never to a point where we were in the same group chat, bantering with everyone else.

“Funny how things can change,” I muttered to myself.

I thought about the plan again – the original one I made before I wanted to keep my distance away from MJ and Ned for their sake. A part of me was screaming inside, telling me not to go back to that plan. Memories from the time leading up to the spell flooded my mind, reminding me about how every single mistake and fuck-up led to every bad thing that happened during that time, from MJ and Ned being rejected by every single college they applied to, to villains from other dimensions wreaking havoc across New York, to Happy’s apartment being destroyed…

…to Aunt May’s death.

I took in a breath and I clenched my eyes shut. I felt myself start to unravel. Slowly, I breathed in and out deeply, trying to keep myself from breaking down. It was something I’ve always done since that fateful day.

Don’t cry… Don’t Cry… Don’t...

I was taken out of my thoughts when I saw my phone vibrate. I took in another breath and blinked a few times. I then reached down and checked the text.

“Hey Dork.”

And just like that, my mood lightened. I shook my head. If only MJ knew the kind of effect she had on me. I typed back.

“Hey MJ. What’s going on?”

“Heard Ned invited you over tonight. You coming?”

“Yes.” I typed it and sent it without thinking. After a few moments, I sent another message. “Matter fact, I have to give him a call. I told him I’d let him know and meet him earlier.”

“Good. Because being the third wheel on Ned and Betty’s date is not how I like to spend my Saturday night. Like, ugh! Can you imagine! >.<”

“They love each other. But if you need me to suffer with you, I suppose I can do that for you.”

“Well aren’t you cute.”

“Oh I’m adorable.”

“Whatever. I’ll see you 2nite, loser!”

“Likewise.”

I set the phone down for a moment. I then looked down at the piece of paper in front of me. I picked up the pen and started to make a list of sorts. Once I was done, I put my pen down and picked the phone back up before I dialed Ned’s number. After some moments, he picked up.

“Hey Ned. I’m down to hang out. Where and when do you want me to meet you?”

A couple of hours later, I got ready to head out. As I was dressing, I eyed my Spider-Man suit. I remembered how Peter #2 wore his suit underneath his clothes. As I thought about it, it didn’t seem like that bad of an idea. Plus, with it still being winter, it would’ve been easy for me to conceal with clothes fit for the season. After thinking about it, I grabbed the suit.

A few minutes later, the suit was underneath a pair of blue jeans and a black sweater over a white shirt. I made sure my webshooters were concealed underneath the sleeves of my sweater and a pair of gloves. After I put on my sneakers, I grabbed my keys and made my way out.

About thirty minutes later, I met Ned in front of a supermarket.

“What’s up?” he greeted.

“I’m here,” I replied. The two of us shared a simple handshake. He then looked a bit confused as he withdrew his hand. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, it’s just… Okay, call me weird… I know we just started becoming friends very recently, but I feel like we should have our own handshake or something.”

I smiled in amusement. “Really?”

“Yeah. Weird, right? But… MJ and I were talking the other day. We feel like you fit in nice with our whole group. So, maybe it’s not just a coincidence?”

It wasn’t. That’s what I wanted to say. But I couldn’t.

Not yet, a part of me thought.

Instead, I smiled wryly. “Let’s be weird together, right?” I offered.

“Yeah,” Ned said with a nod. “But let’s go inside and get what we need.”

Once we were inside, we grabbed a grocery cart and went searching. Well, Ned went searching, and I just followed him around and helped him grab stuff. We started off at the meat aisle and grabbed two whole chickens that were precut into its major portions. After that, we went to the spice aisle and grabbed the seasoning Ned needed. As I looked at some of the spices, Ned spoke.

“I’m sorry about asking about your family the other night,” he apologized.

I shrugged. “Don’t worry about it,” I said dismissively. “You couldn’t have known.”

“Are you like on bad terms with your folks or something?”

I grabbed a bottle filled with peppercorns and tossed it into Ned’s cart. “I almost wish.” I paused for a moment. I looked at him. “I don’t have much left as far as family goes. And I don’t really like to dwell on it.” I left out the part where I felt like a good chunk of it was my fault. “I’m just… I made some bad decisions before and I’m trying my best to pick up the pieces.”

“I see,” Ned said. “…I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” I smiled. “My life isn’t as dreary as it sounds, I promise you. GED classes are cool – it helps that my teacher is a pretty okay guy. But he’s very mysterious.”

“Oh really?” Ned inquired as he started to push the cart. I walked with him.

“Yeah, I don’t know what it is about him, to be honest. He just gives me the impression that he’s like one of those movie characters, the ones that have mundane jobs but used to be some kind of Special Forces guy in the past.”

“You know, I remember a guest speaker at Midtown like that.” Ned stopped briefly to grab some brown sugar. “He’s this tenured professor at UMass, and he was a former Marine for a while that saw action.”

“Really now?”

We continued to shop, talking about lighter subjects. We talked about food, Star Wars (which mostly consisted of me defending The Prequel Trilogy), life as a student, and, as we stepped outside once we were finished, girls.

“So, you like MJ, don’t you?” Ned pried with a smirk.

We were walking down the street, heading towards the Time Square-42nd Street station. We both had bags in our hands. I decided to grab a few things for myself. As far as MJ went, I was trying my very best to lie, even though I felt my face getting warm. “Who doesn’t like MJ?” I replied, trying to brush it off.

“But you LIKE her like her.” He started to walk ahead of me before he turned around and faced me, walking backward. “Something about you two just click.” I would have hoped so, given how long we dated. But that was another life. “You know… February is around the corner. You should ask her out to the Valentine’s Day dance we’re going to have at School.”

“Oh, what do you think is going to happen? We’ll do a slow dance, confess our love for each other, and start a whole dance number that everyone joins in on like it is High School Musical? Somehow, I don’t think that’ll happen.”

“Well, I was kind of hoping you’d ask her out so she can actually come to the dance. She doesn’t really go to these things unless someone drags her along, you know?”

“She never went to Homecoming?” I asked. I already knew the answer.

“She has, but like only once. And even then, Homecoming is different. You can go to Homecoming by yourself. Having a date is encouraged, but not required. But going to a Valentine’s Day dance by yourself, though? The only thing worse than that is taking your sister as a date.”

I had a snarky comment about that. It dealt with a certain region of the United States. But I didn’t get a chance to say it. Just as I opened my mouth, I felt my spine tingle. There was a buzzing in my head and I felt my skin get a bit tight as the hair on my arms raised. My eyes went wide as I started to look around.

“Peter, are you okay, man?”

I didn’t answer, trying my best to get a bearing of my surroundings. I looked around frantically, trying to see what stuck out. There were people walking, a couple of kids having an impromptu snowball fight, people waiting at the bus stop, a man in a suit having an argument on the phone. Everything seemed normal. So why was my senses going off?

I finally got my answer when I looked at traffic again. There was a line of three armored trucks making their way through traffic. They were all abiding the rules of traffic. However, as they cross a nearby intersection, the lead truck was plowed into by a garbage truck! Quickly after that, three black SUVs moved in. After they skidded to a stop, all of their doors and men with black suits, black ski masks, and automatic rifles poured out of the vehicles. One of the gunmen quickly opened fired in the air, causing people to scatter. Not knowing what else to do, Ned and I ducked into the nearest alleyway. We both leaned up against the wall, with me looking out towards the street as people ran for their lives.

“Two times in one week?” Ned said. “How does that even happen?”

“I don’t know,” I replied as I shook my head. “We must be lucky or something.”

“You call this lucky?!”

“I mean, at least we didn’t get grabbed or something.”

And of course, that’s exactly what happened.

Before any of us knew it, we were pulled through the wall we were leaning on. Both of us stumbled backward before we landed on the ground. Unfortunately, all of our groceries scattered across the floor.

“Oh great, how can this day get any worse?” he asked.

“That’s a funny way to say thank you,” a voice replied. I looked up to see Kitty and Craig looking down at us.

“Oh, it’s you guys!” I said quickly moved to my feet and started to put my groceries back in the bag. “We have to stop meeting like this.”

“Aw, I thought us meeting under the threat of gunfire is our special thing,” Craig snarked. “But seriously, y’all didn’t get hurt or anything, did you?”

“We’re good, I think,” Ned said as he started to gather up his groceries. “Fancy meeting you guys here.”

“It was our day to go grocery shopping,” Kitty explained. “I was hoping we didn’t have to use our quick change costumes, but here we are.”

“You guys think you can handle this?” I asked in earnest as I stood up.

“Did you not see what we did at St. James?” Craig pointed out.

“True.” I then looked at Ned, who was gathering up the last of the groceries. “…How far are we from the subway station?"

“Not that far, actually,” Kitty said.

“…Can you phase Ned straight there?”

“Me?” Ned said as he quickly stood up. “What about you?”

“I’ll be right behind you,” I said with a smile. I then gave him my bag of groceries. “Trust me.”

Ned stared at me. He then sighed as he stood up. “Okay, but only because it’s you.”

“Let’s go,” Kitty stated before she stepped up and grabbed Ned by the shoulder. “Whatever you do, don’t panic.”

After she said this, the two of them sunk into the ground before they disappeared completely.

“What was that about?” Craig demanded, giving me a look. “She could’ve taken both of you there easily.”

I looked at him for a second. I then grimaced. “…Can you keep a secret?” He stared at me for few seconds. He then nodded. I removed my jacket and tossed it off to the side. I then took off my shirt, revealing the top half of Spider-Man costume. Craig stared at me dumbfounded. He then huffed out a breath.

“Wow,” he said as he shook his head. “Wow, wow, wow… Just, wow.” He laughed as he turned and walked away a few steps. He then looked back at me. “So, you’re telling me that, this whole time, you, Peter, are freakin’ Spider-Man.”

“Yes,” I said as removed the rest of my clothes. I pulled the collar of my costume with my left hand before I used my right hand to pull out my mask.

“And do your friends know?”

“Nope.” I pulled down the mask. “Not yet. It’s a long story.”

It was at this point that Kitty returned, dawning her cat mask. “Okay, I’m back and… Spider-Man?!” She walked up to me. “When did you get here? And where’s Peter?”

“Take a guess,” Craig replied as he zipped his hoodie and brought his hood up.

Kitty stared at me for a few moments. She then tilted her head. “…You’re kidding?”

“No, it really is me,” I said in earnest.

“…Why didn’t you help us at the theatre?”

“Because his friends don’t know,” Craig explained.

“But they can keep a secret.”

“I’ll explain everything afterwards,” I cut in. “Just know that telling them I’m Spider-Man would open up a can of worms that I’m not ready to open yet.” I then heard the sound of sirens and gunshots. Craig looked towards the wall. He then sighed as he reached under his hood and pulled down a ski mask.

“It’s not like we got time to talk about it now, anyway,” he said. “Let’s just get out there and handle whatever it is that is going on.”

“Okay,” Kitty said. She then gave me a pointed look. “This ain’t over, Peter. We WILL be talking about this when this is over.”

“Of course,” I said.

“Just as long as you know.” She grabbed my shoulder with her right hand. Craig walked up to her and stood to her left. She grabbed his shoulder with her free hand. “Codenames from here on out. Frictor, you and Spider-Man will attack from ground level and above. I’ll ambush them from below. And remember – civilians take priority over everything. Okay?”

“Got it, Shadowcat,” I said as Craig nodded.

“Alright, let’s do this.”

We all walked forward and through the wall. Once we were all through, Kitty sunk through the ground. Craig looked at me before he pointed upward. I nodded before I quickly jumped up on the walk and quickly crawled upward. I paused for a moment to look down at Craig.

“Be careful, Frictor,” I called down.

“You, too Spidey,” he replied. “Let’s send them packing!”

I nodded before I resumed my ascent, once I reached the roof, I quickly ran to the other edge before I jumped off.

Let the fun begin, I deadpanned internally.

[elcucuy-reyes]

"Ah, you've always been good at organizing," Bas said with a short laugh. "Before you know it, other people in the group will ask you to help organize their weddings. Hey, maybe if the whole computer coding thing doesn't work out, you can be a bridesmaid for hire." He glanced down at the thought of someone else asking June to be their bridesmaid. That someone being May. She wasn't at the wedding today, saying she'd come down with something and didn't want to pass it on to any of his friends. He knew she probably felt awful, but he knew it wasn't because of a cold or whatever. They'd left things off on a sour note before he got ready for the wedding. Apparently Javier and Zara brought up a lot of things for May especially since she and Bas were planning on moving in together. But now she didn't seem so eager after their fight about marriage and the future.

As much as Sebastian loved May, he had begun to feel a distance between them. They both did. She was his first serious relationship and he hated the idea of ruining a good thing. They were the textbook example of a normal couple. Like Javier and Zara. They worked. They were attracted to each other. They were compatible. They knew how to enjoy time together and apart. But Sebastian was feeling a weight on his shoulders as they got closer to their move in date. He turned his head to look at June. Even though she had heels on, he was still taller than her and had to look down slightly. "Have you ever thought about whether you'd get married or not?" He didn't know why he asked June that. It wasn't like they had that kind of relationship...talking about marriage. He wasn't even sure about his own answer and whether he'd actually want to settle down and be legally tied to a person. But he was curious to know June's answer. Maybe it'd help him sort out his own dilemma with May.

Sebastian cleared his throat and took a sip of his drink. That was a weird question to bring up to June. He shouldn't have asked it but he couldn't take it back now. He gave her a smile to show her everything was okay. It was just curiosity. That was why he was asking. Friends asked that sort of thing. It was perfectly normal. Don't make it weird. "Yeah, I am enjoying myself. It's always nice to see two people in love and...yeah. What about you? Enjoying yourself? You clean up nice," he said, motioning towards her dress. And you made it weird. Good job. The music stopped and the DJ spoke with the microphone. "Alright, alright, everyone! Before we do the bouquet toss, let's get the maid of honor, the bridesmaids, and all the single ladies out on the dance floor with a handsome lad...or pretty lady, whichever you prefer. Let's get you warmed up so you can all fight each other for this lovely bouquet!"

Sebastian stared at the DJ and then back at June. He couldn't help but let out a chuckle. "I think that's your cue," he told her, nudging her forward.

Members of the Grid group were around, some of whom June hadn’t spoken to in a while. Teamwork had never been her strong suit, and when she’d become the last person to still care, she’d handled things her way without asking too many questions. The hacker had only enlisted the help of the one person she seemed to be able to rely on without question and just continued to do her thing. Inevitably, those who gravitated back to the Grid every now and then would disagree with the way she ran things. So yeah, she’d not been on speaking terms with a few. Yet, she had to admit that it was nice to see them here, having a good time. It was so goddamn cheesy that it had been a wedding that brought the scattered members of the group back in one place.

“It was interesting, and sort of ridiculous,” June stated with a half smirk. Zara hadn’t gone full bridezilla during the wedding preparations, but specificity was indeed something that mattered in these sorts of events. Getting things right meant something. “Apparently I’m good at organizing,” she mused, because yes, she did have a sort of mind that could plan and execute, “which makes me a good bridesmaid. But I’m shit at communicating things tactfully,” she finished with a shrug, because what was new? “So maybe I wasn’t the best person to be in charge of dresses and flower arrangements. But hey, it got all done in time, following Zara’s wishes, so I might have found my secret calling”.

Jokes aside, June’s expression became softer than it usually was. Seeing Zara get married was like seeing a sister get married. The whole thing was a whole lot more meaningful than her brother’s wedding. Zara had chosen her to be someone who mattered in her life and June had chosen her in return. In a way, she had chosen Sebastian too, against all odds, despite all the ways in which the two of them pushed people away as far as they could. And here they were, standing by each other’s side, not only in the literal sense. “Are you having a good time?”

[storiesforallfandoms]

and the winner is... ~ eminem

word count: 1784

request?: yes!

“hey, love your writing sm ❤️ I really like the concept where the reader is a young actress with Eminem, so can I request one where they go to Marshall’s award show for the first time publicly, they try to keep it low key but the reader presents an award and when Em wins they share a warm moment on stage and the media loses it? thanks in advance”

description: in which they say they’re going to be lowkey for their first public appearance as a couple, and then he wins the award she’s presenting

pairing: eminem x female!reader

warnings: swearing

masterlist (one, two)

It was hard to keep my hands off of Marshall as we walked down the red carpet. It was our first public outing as a couple, but Marshall wasn’t very into PDA so we had decided to keep it somewhat lowkey. It seemed like a good idea in theory, until Marshall did the unthinkable and showed up dressed in a suit. How am I supposed to not jump his bones when he looks damn fine in a suit?

Every time I so much as glanced at him the paparazzi would go crazy. So many flashing lights that eventually I was seeing spots. It was hard to keep smiling when I couldn’t even see ahead of me.

Marshall put an arm around my waist - which of course led to more flashing lights - and walked me off the red carpet into the venue. The minute I walked through the doors into the dimly lit room, it really was like I couldn’t see. I had to take a minute to let my eyes adjust to the sudden light change.

“Weird how quickly I go from basically a nobody on a red carpet to a hot commodity just because I have attractive arm candy,” I joked.

A half smile tugged at Marshall’s lips. “You were never a nobody. Not to me anyways.”

“Awe, that’s so sweet it’s kind of gross,” I teased.

This earned me an actual laugh as Marshall pulled me in for a kiss. Without any prying eyes around, we felt free to actually be a couple.

We engaged with some others in the industry, including those Marshall considered to be close friends of his. I felt out of place at this music award show as an actress who was still trying to become more than just a side character in the movies she starred in. I was grateful to have Marshall there to help me through it.

When we took our seats as the show was starting, Marshall reached over to take my hand. “Are you okay?”

I shrugged. “Nervous I think. Which I shouldn’t be because it’s just me announcing an award, but it’s my first time on an award show stage for any reason, and it’s a pretty big award.”

“And it’s one I’m nominated for.”

I looked over at Marshall with wide eyes. “What?!”

“You didn’t know?”

I shook my head. Now I felt so much more nervous. What if I pulled a Steve Harvey and said the wrong name because I wanted Marshall to win? Or what if he actually did win but everyone thought I said he did because we were dating? I tried to focus on the stage ahead of me but my heart was beating so fast that my vision was starting to get blurry. I felt warm, like I was sweating, which made me worry that my makeup was starting to run. I was going to look disgusting with my makeup running on live television.

Sensing my new found nervousness, Marshall gave my hand a reassuring squeeze.

“Hey, look at me.” I glanced over to meet his gaze. “It’s going to be okay. You’ve rehearsed this speech so much that you can say it without the teleprompter. It’s not going to be any different just because I’m nominated. If I win, you give me the award and I do a speech. If I don’t win, you give the award to whoever does and they make a speech. It’s not a big deal, (Y/N), don’t worry too much about it.”

I wished I could’ve just let my fear rush from my body, but it was still there. Before I could say anything else, the lights went down and the show officially started.

I tried to just sit and enjoy the show but it was hard when I had my upcoming presenter role looming over me. Of course, it was one of the last awards of the show, so I had to sit there and let my nerves build as the suspense for the winner of the award grew as well.

Every now and then Marshall would give my hand another squeeze and I would calm down for that split second. Having him by my side helped a lot, but every time I remembered that he might be the recipient of the award I became nervous again.

Finally, it was my time to take the stage. They passed me the envelope with the name of the winner and motioned for me to take the stage. I plastered a smile on my face as my name was called and I walked onto the stage. I hoped the cameras couldn’t pick up my shaking, and I really hoped my shaking wouldn’t make my voice sound as bad as I feared it would.

“This award can only go to the best of the best,” I started, glancing at the prompter in front of me to make sure I was saying the words correctly. “The person who worked the hardest and had the best payoff with their release. The competition this year is fierce, and it was hard to narrow it down to just these five artists, as there have been so many amazing works of art released this past year. It has been an even harder choice to pick who of them all is the best, although I might be bias in saying I’ve already chosen my favorite.”

The audience chuckled at my improved addition to the speech.

“Ladies and gentlemen, here are your nominees.”

I watched the video that played of the nominated artists. My heart skipped a beat when Marshall came up, a few clips from the music videos he had filmed playing in a short montage. He had worked so hard on his latest album, every part of me hoped that he would be the winner I was announcing.

As the video came to an end, I turned back to face the audience (and the cameras) to announce the winner.

“And the award goes to...”

I tried not to let my slight fear show as I fumbled with the envelope for a moment. I started to worry that I wouldn’t even be able to open it and completely embarrass myself on live TV. I tried not to sigh with relief when the seal perfectly popped open and I was able to pull the card out. The smile on my face had to have given away the winner before the words were even out of my mouth.

“Eminem!”

The crowd cheered and stood from their seats. A camera found Marshall, who was standing from his seat and hugging Paul and Denaun before making his way to the stage. I couldn’t help but smile proudly at him as I extended the award I was holding - his award - to him.

I was taken by surprise when he wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me in for a kiss. It was brief since he had an award to accept, but it was enough to make my head spin, the way his kisses usually did.

When he pulled away I was still so stunned that I almost forgot to give him his award. I could see him trying to hold back a laugh as he took it from my hands and turned to the microphone.

“Thank you,” he said to the still cheering audience. For a minute I forgot there was anyone else in the room, and realizing so many people had watched that kiss made my cheeks heat up. “I’d like to thank my manager, Paul, who for some reason still backs me with everything I do and produce even when it pushes the boundaries a little too much. I also want to thank the good Doctor, who has been supporting me since day one and who has always believed in me and gave me this platform to make music and to push the boundaries that Paul has to deal with. My daughters, my biggest inspirations. And of course, I’d like to thank the beautiful lady who presented this award to me tonight. I may not show it publicly but I am my happiest when I’m with you and I cannot thank you enough for that.”

I blinked away the tears forming in my eyes as I clapped along with the audience. The music started playing as Marshall offered me his arm to walk me off the stage. I felt like I was floating on cloud nine as we walked down the stairs and backstage, away from the cameras and the thousands of people watching us, both in person and on TV.

We were greeted backstage by other presenters and winners who were still mingling and celebrating their wins. Marshall was congratulated and a few of the other presenters told me how well I did with my presentation. I was proud of myself for getting through it, but I was more proud that I didn’t go completely airheaded after Marshall kissed me.

When we finally got away from the large amount of people, Marshall pulled me in for another kiss.

“So much for keeping it lowkey, huh?” I teased when I pulled away.

“I was caught up in the moment,” he said with a shrug, but I wasn’t completely convinced.

“That speech was uncharacteristically sweet,” I said. “For your public persona anyways. I figured you’d keep it short and sweet and maybe get the show into a little bit of trouble with an unplanned curse word.”

He chuckled. “Well normally that would be how things go. But I meant what I said during my speech: you make me the happiest I’ve ever been. When you said my name I just couldn’t help but feel this unfamiliar surge of happiness and excitement at winning. You know I don’t care about these types of award shows, but the fact that you presented this award to me made me care for just a second. I know I’ll be the talking point for the next few days because of this, but right now I don’t care all that much.”

Tears were welling in my eyes again as I pulled him back to me. “Shut up, you’re gonna ruin my makeup.”

His laugh filled my ears as he pulled me for another kiss. The happiness he said he felt coursed through my veins too. I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else in a moment like this.

When he pulled away he put his arm around me again and started to walk towards the door. “Let’s get out of here. I think I wanna celebrate my win with the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met.”

I smiled brightly at him. “I like the sound of that.”

[the-bau-quinjet]

One Misunderstanding

Bucky x Reader

Summary: You struggle to fix Bucky's first impression of you. Bucky struggles with his own feelings.

Warnings: angst, Hydra things- like brainwashing and torture, a few curse words, panic attacks, anxiety

Word count: 5609

a/n: this idea came to me very suddenly, but I'm in love with it. Hopefully whatever I just wrote does it justice.

Masterlist

"Everyone, meet Y/N. She's the newest member of our little group, bringing in a whole new level of hacking and tech skills. Y/N, meet the team." Tony introduced you to everyone, eager to share your skills.

You turned to the group, getting ready to introduce yourself further, but instead tripped. You shrieked as you fell down the small set of stairs you were at the top of.

Sam, being the closest, caught you. "Good thing you've got tech skills." He chuckled as you righted yourself, firmly planting your feet on the ground.

"Haha, yeah. I'm not a big fan of violence." You winced as you said it, wishing you could take it back. You didn't want to get into the reasons as to why you don't like violence.

To your surprise, nobody asked why. You would have guessed they would have questions, but maybe they weren't interested in your past. They all had their own issues to deal with afterall.

"Eh, we don't need anymore people for fighting anyway. Welcome to the team." Steve greeted you warmly, as you would have expected from America's golden boy.

You gratefully shook his hand, glad to not have to talk about anything yet. Unfortunately, you tripped again when you tried to move back, falling into the one and only Bucky Barnes.

His hands steadied you, dryly laughing at your clumsiness. "You really are clumsy."

You did you best to not show how embarrassed you were. You couldn't deny the claim. Unless you were fighting, something you vowed to yourself to never do again, you were clumsy.

Being abducted and tortured by Hydra may have made you a competent fighter, but your aptitude for tripping over nothing never left.

"Right, sorry!" You greeted everyone else quickly, eager to get situated in your room. "I'm just going to unpack everything." You waved as you backed out of the room, bumping into the wall as you left.

-

You had just finished putting away your stuff when you heard a knock on your door.

"Come in!" You figured someone would have questions for you.

Unsurprisingly, Natasha was the one to step into your room. Of everyone there, you expected her to have learned about your past. It comes with the territory of being a spy.

"Hi, I was hoping to talk to you." Her tone was friendly, but clearly she was skeptical of you. Again, you weren't surprised.

"I thought you might. I'm assuming you read my file? Honestly, I thought everyone would." You laughed gently, shaking your head at yourself.

"I did. Your file is pretty bare bones though. I did some extra digging... Not everyone else is as nosy as me." She grinned, already pleased with your openness. "So, why'd you pretend to be clumsy?"

"Oh, it wasn't pretend. I've always been clumsy. When everything happened, and I learned how to fight, I thought my newfound agility would help. Turns out, it didn't. The only times I'm even the slightest bit coordinated are when I'm fighting or training, but I wasn't lying about that either. When I escaped, I promised myself I wouldn't hurt anyone else."

"Why join the Avengers at all then?" She looked curious, still unsure if she could trust you.

"I wanted to help people. I just didn't want to use the skills they gave me to do it. So, I learned how to code, figured I could help behind the scenes."

She smiled, letting down her guard. Clearly it would take some time, but you could easily see the two of you being close friends.

"So, nobody knows about what you went through?" She couldn't help but be curious about your past.

"Nope. I don't talk about it much, but it's not a secret. I'll answer anything you want to know." You smiled, eager to try and make a real friend here.

You spent the next few hours answering every question Natasha could think of. You told her about being abducted and experimented on.

That lead to even more questions, basically boiling down to the fact that you're not a super soldier, but you do have enhanced senses- and seemingly enhanced clumsiness for when you're not using them.

You told her about learning how to fight, and the punishments you would endure if you got it wrong. The two of you bonded over the shared experience.

Finally, you told her about how you escaped. When the Winter Soldier escaped, every Hydra effort possible was made to find him. That included you. Resources were spread thin, trying to cover more areas. It was the perfect opportunity for you to get out.

"Really, I owe my freedom to him. Even if he doesn't know anything about me." You felt the tears in your eyes, too many emotions swirling through you to keep it all in anymore. "Since then, I've learned everything I could about technology and coding, which pretty much brings you up to date."

Before she could ask anymore questions, there was another knock on your door. Quickly wiping the tears from your eyes, you called another "come in!"

Steve poked his head in the door, cautiously looking between you and Nat.

"I've been sent to stop the interrogation." He grinned, stepping farther into the room.

Nat rose from her spot on the bed, kissing him on the cheek while rolling her eyes. "It wasn't an interrogation. We were bonding."

"Yeah, over what?" He chuckled, trying to figure out what the two of you had in common.

Maybe it was the look in your eyes, or maybe Nat just likes knowing more than everyone, but she smiled conspiratorially at you before responding. "Girl stuff, babe. Just girl stuff."

You smiled as the couple left the room, grateful for not having to explain everything again.

-

Over the next few weeks, the team constantly teased you for your clumsiness. Well, not the whole team. Nat knew the truth, so she never said anything. Peter never teased you either, although that is likely due to the teasing he endures as well.

Weirdly enough, you bonded with the kid over it, eventually telling him about your past as well.

Normally you could shake it off. They clearly didn't mean anything by it. Except Bucky.

Whenever he said anything, he stared you down. His eyes felt like they were piercing your soul. You're not sure exactly why, but he didn't seem to like you much.

Which wouldn't be an issue if you didn't have an embarrassing crush on the man.

Really your infatuation started when you first escaped Hydra. His own escape lead to your freedom, so you admired him. When you found out he was working with the Avengers to help people, you admired him even more.

Watching him on missions is really what caused the infatuation to blossom into a full blown crush.

You, however, would adamantly deny that if anyone ever asked. Which is what just happened.

"What?!" You nearly tripped, again, with how quickly you turned to look at Wanda and Nat.

"You heard me." Nat stared at you, a neutral expression on her face. "When are you going to do something about your crush on Barnes."

"I, I don't- I don't have a crush on Bucky." You stuttered, a lackluster job at denying the truth.

"Please, Y/N. It's so obvious!" Wanda joined in.

The three of you hung out a lot around the compound. It was nice to have a support system to lean on when things got hard.

"Well, even if I did, which I'm not saying I do! He doesn't like me. I don't know what I did, but his eyes feel like daggers whenever we're in the same room." You started out strong, but quickly morphed into a sad resignation. It genuinely upset you that Bucky didn't like you.

"I think I might know what that's about..." Wanda bit her lip, immediately feeling guilty at having said anything.

"What!?" You eagerly turned to her, needing answers. You shuffled your way across the room, never fully rising from your seat on the ground.

"I don't know if I should tell you! I'm not even supposed to know, but sometimes his thoughts are really loud!" Her guilt multiplied.

"You have to tell me now! Then I can fix it!" You were practically begging at her feet from your position on the floor.

She looked at Nat, who just shrugged in return. "Not my place, although I would love to hear it."

"Ugh, fine. But you can't tell anyone I told you!" Wanda glared at the two of you, unable to say no to your pouting face. "The first day we all met you, do you remember what you said?"

Your face scrunched as you tried to remember. "I'm not a big fan of violence?"

She nodded, looking at you as if she just told you everything.

"So?" You asked incredulously, unable to follow her train of thought.

She rolled her eyes, having to spell it out for you. "He kind of took that personally..."

Immediately, you sunk completely to the floor. "Oh, god. Fuck! That's not what I meant at all! I just meant I don't personally like using violence! Shit, shit, shit." You continued to mutter to yourself as Nat and Wanda shared a look.

"Why don't you like using violence?" Wanda asked, intrigued by your reaction.

You thought back to your conversation with Nat the first day you got here. You told her it wasn't a secret, it just wasn't something you brought up.

"Can you just look in my head? I don't really wanna explain it, but I want you to know." You asked, glad to share you past with another friend.

Wanda nodded, seemingly doing nothing until realization dawned on her.

"Oh shit." She whispered, not even realizing she said it out loud.

"Yeah." You huffed out a dry laugh.

"Y/N... I'm so sorry." You smiled at her, having worked through most of the trauma already. "You totally have a crush on Barnes though."

That earned a real laugh. "Hey, that's not what you were in there for!"

"It's not my fault! You were thinking it really loudly!"

The three of you laughed together until you sunk back into a pit of despair.

"What do I do? How do I fix this?" You whined, laying back on the ground like a child.

"I think you just need to talk to him. Explain what you meant." Wanda shrugged, unsure of any other advice to offer you.

"She's right. Just talk to him." Nat nodded along as you whined on the floor.

-

After a few days, you finally worked up enough courage to try and talk to Bucky. He had just finished training, so you knew exactly where he'd be: in the kitchen.

Walking in, you were glad to see him pulling ingredients from the fridge.

"Hey Bucky, can I, um, talk to you for a minute?" You stuttered through the words, nervous about what he would say.

He barely looked at you, nodding his head for you to continue.

"I just, I wanted to apologize." You trailed off when his head snapped up.

"For what?" Well shit. How are you supposed to explain this one without ratting out Wanda.

"Oh, well, um... I just thought maybe I said- I did something that upset you. Uh, you just don't seem to like me very much, which is totally cool, you don't have to like me if you don't want to. I just didn't want it to be my fault... Fuck." That went horribly. Taking a deep breath, you started over. "I didn't mean it."

Bucky is looking at you like you have three heads. "Didn't mean what?"

"That I don't like violence."

"So you do... like violence." He'd somehow grown more confused.

"Well, no." You paused, unsure of how to explain yourself.

"Then you did mean it." His soul piercing stare is back.

"I-"

"It's fine, save it. Some people get to choose not to be violent." And with that, he left the kitchen, abandoning his post workout smoothie.

You stared at the doorway, in shock over how poorly that went. You stood there , unaware of the 25 minutes that had passed, trying to figure out how it could've gone better when Steve found you.

"Y/N? What are you doing?"

You didn't hear him, too lost in the memories. Memories of Hydra, forcing you to do things you never wanted to. This happened from time to time if something triggered you into remembering, otherwise you had a handle on your emotions.

"Y/N?" Steve said your name again, concern evident in his voice. He gently laid a hand on your shoulder, trying to get your attention.

Everything happened so fast after that. The feeling of someone's hand on your shoulder caused you to panic. With all the memories of Hydra in your head, your training kicked in instinctually.

You grabbed Steve's arm, pulling him closer to you for better leverage. Before he could question your moves, you flipped him, pinning him to the ground.

The second you made eye contact, you realized what just happened. Horror and regret flashed in your eyes.

In an effort to get off him, you threw yourself backward, knocking into a cart full of pots and pans. The clanging of metal hitting the ground echoed through the small room.

Steve sat up slowly, trying to register the turn of events. You sat in a ball on the floor, tears pooling in your eyes, mumbling apologies over and over again.

Sam, having heard the commotion from the pots and pans, ran into the kitchen ready to fight.

"What- What happened?" He asked in confusion, lowering his arms from their defensive position.

"I don't know." Steve looked at you, still trying to figure it out.

"Y/N?" Sam's voice was gentle, but it still startled you.

You jumped from the ground, rushing to help Steve get up. "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to. I never wanted to hurt anyone again." Your breathing was picking up, short bursts of air leaving your lungs. Your hands were shaking as you pulled him from the ground.

Your panic increased as you took in their concerned expressions.

"Hey, look at me." Steve's Captain voice, came out, urging you to make eye contact. You followed orders, breathing rapidly, your whole body shaking.

"I'm going to touch you now, is that okay?" His words were gentle, but commanding, causing you to nod in response.

He pulled you into a tight hug, rubbing soothing circles on your back.

You wanted to explain, to tell them what happened, but all that came out was a pitiful "Bucky".

"Do you want me to get Bucky?" Sam asked, trying to understand you.

The idea of Bucky coming back caused your panic to increase. You shook your head rapidly, "No! No no no no no." You kept repeating the word, shaking in Steve's arms.

"Okay! Okay, no Bucky." Sam reassured you, voice calm and soothing.

You’re not sure how long you stood like that. Sam moved around the kitchen, cleaning up the pots and pans you had knocked over.

When your breathing steadied, Steve asked, "Do you want to talk about what happened?"

You nodded, leading the two men to the couch in the adjacent common area. You sat for a minute, unsure of where to start.

"Why don't you just lead us through it all?" Steve suggested, still rubbing your back.

You nodded, grateful for the starting point. "I went to the kitchen to apologize to Bucky."

"What for?" Sam interrupted, already confused.

"Sam! Just let her talk." Steve muttered, slightly annoyed.

"Sorry!" He glared back at Steve before turning to you, "Sorry, please continue."

You couldn't help but laugh at their banter.

"Right, I wanted to apologize for what I said the first day I met you all. I realized how it sounded, so I wanted to try and fix it." You paused, waiting for the recognition to hit them.

It didn't take long. The two men nodded, silently urging you to continue.

"Honestly, Wanda told me that was why he always seems mad at me. You have to know, I never meant for it to come across that way! It's more of a personal, 'I don't want to be violent' than shunning others for doing what's necessary." You took a deep breath, not eager to relive the conversation.

"Anyway, I told him I didn't mean it. I just couldn't explain it right, and he got upset, which makes sense!" You turned to look between them, not wanting them to think you were insulting Bucky in any way. "I don't hold what he did against him. It wasn't his choice, and I completely understand that. I just couldn't put that into words when I was talking to him, and I made everything worse."

Tears popped into your eyes again, upset at what he must be going through. You weren't with Hydra for but a tenth of the time he was, and you didn't endure the same level of brainwashing.

"He said something about some people not being able to choose not to be violent, and then he left. I don't know how long I was standing in the kitchen replaying the conversation, but it brought up bad memories for me." You sighed again, working up the nerve to tell them everything.

"Wanda and Nat already know, but I guess it's your guys's turn. This was so much easier to just have Wanda read my mind." You laughed at your own joke, the two men sharing a concerned look.

"I was taken... by Hydra. They experimented on me, gave me enhanced senses, trained me to fight, and punished me when I did something wrong." Again, tears sprung into your eyes, occasionally falling down your cheeks.

"Why wasn't this in your file?" Steve questioned, more to himself than you.

"I haven't got a clue. I guess nobody knew about me? But, I escaped. They didn't brainwash me like they did Bucky, because I don't have the serum. Or, at least, I think that's why." You shook your head, refocusing on the important parts.

"When every available Hydra agent was tasked with searching for the Winter Soldier, I took it as on opportunity. Their resources were spread thin. I was able to getaway."

You went onto explain your reasoning for joining the Avengers as a tech specialist, trying to convey the same earnestness you did with Nat.

"You can ask Nat or Wanda too. Nat found out day one, Wanda a few days ago." You wiped your tears, hoping they believed you. "Actually, Peter knows too."

"I was stuck in all those memories when you came into the kitchen. I didn't even register that you were in the room, so when you touched me I freaked out. I never meant to hurt you!"

You looked at Steve fearful that he would be upset.

"Y/N, I believe you." You cried tears of relief at his statement, genuinely exhausted from the day. "It's not your fault, and you didn't hurt me. Just caught me off guard. You're surprisingly agile when you want to be." He tried to lighten the mood, glad to hear you laugh.

"Well, I train in the middle of the night sometimes. I- I want to be able to get out if I'm ever forced back there." Your voice was quiet, admitting a secret you hadn't even told Nat.

"We won't let that happen." The sternness of Sam's voice surprised you.

"Thank you." You wiped your tears a final time, looking between the two men. "Now, what do I do about Bucky?" You refocused your energy on fixing your relationship with the super soldier.

"He never would have said what he said if he had known." Steve started the conversation, defending his friend.

"I know. I don't hold it against him, I just wish I could explain. I get so nervous when he looks at me like that." You rambled, too tired to filter your thoughts.

"Like what?" Sam asked, eager for more information to tease Bucky with.

"Huh? Oh, I don't know. Like he can see into my soul." You deadpanned, earning a laugh from both men. "I just want him to like me." You nearly whined, upset by your poor relationship.

"Like you, huh?" Steve grinned. Nat and Wanda chose that exact moment to walk into the room, eagerly joining the conversation.

"Barnes? Did you tell him how you feel?" Wanda squealed with excitement.

You buried your head in your hands, avoiding the knowing looks the four of them were surely sharing. "Not exactly." You gestured to your head, hoping Wanda would figure it out and share with Nat.

"Ooh... It didn't go well, basically Barnes got upset, Y/N flipped Steve and had a panic attack, then told these two everything." Wanda explained to Nat quickly, trying not to make you relive it.

"We need a plan." Nat declared.

"No, I just need to learn how to have a conversation with the man." You rolled your eyes at yourself. "I'll try talking to him again." You went to leave the room, turning around to glare at them. "And none of you can say a word of this to Bucky."

-

Despite you request, Steve still tried to talk to Bucky.

"What's up with you?" Steve questioned, trying to subtly pry into Bucky's thoughts.

"Nothing. Why?" Bucky answered in a questioning tone, trying to figure out Steve's motives.

"I heard you talked to Y/N is all. How'd it go?" He gave up on the subtle approach pretty quickly, knowing Bucky wouldn't answer a question that wasn't asked.

"How did you even hear that, punk?" Bucky deflected.

"Not the point. Answer the question."

"Not great. I messed it up." Bucky sighed, annoyed at himself for barging out of the room. "She said wanted to apologize, that she didn't mean what she said." He ran his hands through his hair, struggling to explain where it all went wrong.

"Would've been fine if I could follow what she was saying. She was rambling about me not liking her, which you and I both know isn't true. Ugh, i've never been mad at her. I'm mad at myself! At Hydra for making me a monster! How could she ever like me if she doesn't like violence? My entire past is violent." He huffed, having worked himself up again.

"You're not a monster, Buck." Steve started gently.

"I know you think that." Steve gave him a pointed glare. "I know, okay? But what does she think?"

"Maybe you should try talking to her. You might be surprised by what you learn." Steve clapped him on the shoulder, trying to reassure him, before leaving the room.

-

Everytime you tried to talk to Bucky, something got in the way. The first time, he was called in for an emergency mission before you even got the word hello out.

The second time, Tony walked into the common area, completely oblivious to the tension, and put on a movie.

The third time, Steve and Nat interrupted you. You were just about to apologize again after an awkward greeting when the elevator doors opened. The sounds of the cheerful laughter and stolen kisses didn't really set the mood for confessing your past with Hydra.

The fourth, and final time, was the most embarrassing.

You walked into the room on a mission. You were going to talk to him, no matter who decided to walk in.

"Bucky, I really need to-" and you tripped on a toy Morgan left out, causing you to tumble to the ground. That would have been embarrassing enough, but there's more.

In your effort to get up, you tripped again, hitting your head on the coffee table, causing you to bleed profusely.

"Shit." You cursed yourself, holding your hand up to your bleeding forehead.

"Are you okay?" Bucky rushed to you from the other side of the table, concerned with the amount of blood spewing from your head.

"Yeah, I'll be fine." Unfortunately, you chose that moment to jokingly reference your past.

Some of the people who tortured you had a sick sense of humor. Whenever they would hit you hard enough to make you bleed, they said something about only having one head. A play on words because of the greek serpent with multiple heads.

"Head wounds bleed a lot, I'm lucky I only have one." You froze instantly, unsure if he would have had a similar experience. Slowly, you looked up in an effort to make eye contact.

Bucky was also frozen in place. Clearly he understood the reference.

"Wh- where did you hear that?" Bucky struggled with his sentence, trying not to flashback to his time at Hydra.

"Oh my god. I'm so so sorry." You instantly started apologizing, trying to backtrack. "I really need to learn when to stop fucking talking." You said more to yourself than him.

"Where did you hear it?" He asked again, putting more power behind his words.

"Um, well, i've been trying to tell you for weeks now, but um, I also kind of, have, um, well, you see-"

"Just spit it out." There was the slightly miffed Bucky you were used to.

"I was taken. By Hydra. 9 years ago. Um, they forced me to learn how to fight. Tortured me if I did anything wrong. Forced me to do things..." You trailed off, realizing you didn't need to give him many details. He has first hand experience.

"Y/N, I-" You cut him off before he could say anything else.

"That's why I don't like using violence. I only know how to do that stuff because they made me learn it. I didn't want to use the skills they gave me." You took a deep, grounding breath.

"I don't blame you for anything you were forced to do. It wasn't your choice. You're not a violent person, and your past actions don't define who you are. You're here to help people. That's what you chose. That's who you are."

You made eye contact before you continued. "I've actually wanted to thank you for the longest time."

"For what?" He was incredulous, wildly caught off guard by everything you've said.

"The only reason I had an opportunity to escape was because 2 years ago, you escaped. If Hydra's resources hadn't been spread so thin trying to find you, I probably would've never got out. So thank you. For being strong enough to fight back."

You smiled at him, still unsure of how he was feeling.

"I... I'm so sorry." To say you were stunned was an understatement. What the hell could he have to be sorry about? Sure he was a little rude, but from your point of view he was completely justified in hating you.

"Bucky, you have no reason to be sorry. You didn't know, and I couldn't get out of my head enough to tell you. You just make me nervous." You clapped a hand over your mouth, shocked at having said what you just said.

You could see his face fall ever so slightly, causing you to jump back into your explanation.

"Not because I'm scared of you or anything! Hell, I could probably take you in a fight." You winked, trying to lighten the mood. It seemed to work, judging by the slight smirk on his face.

"I just, I've looked up to you for so long. Your determination to do good after everything you've been through is really inspiring. It's actually why I wanted to join the Avengers in the first place. I never would have-" You would have kept rambling if he hadn't stopped you.

"Y/N, I am sorry, and I do have reason to be. There's no excuse for what I said to you in the kitchen that day. Even if I didn't know, I threw everything you've been through back in your face. If someone had done that to me, I probably would have had a panic attack." He tried joking, but by the way you froze he could tell he struck a nerve.

"You had a panic attack? I'm so sorry! God, I just left you all alone and-"

It was your turn to cut him off. "Actually, I was kind of frozen in place until Steve touched me and I maybe threw him to the ground... Then I had a panic attack..." You smiled, trying to convey the joke. "So, I wasn't alone. Sam was actually also there. If anything, it made me better friends with both of them because I told them everything. So I have you to thank for that to." You playfully nudged his side.

He ran his hands through his hair, then down his face, clearly trying to deal with his own guilt.

"Hey, don't beat yourself up about it. You didn't know. It happened. We're good now, so we can move on." You smiled, trying to cheer him up.

"How are you so relaxed about all of this? You were tortured for years... I..." He was genuinely curious, trying to find a way to cope with his own pain.

"Well, even before that I always thought therapy could be helpful for me, so I really jumped in full force when I was free. Plus, if you can't joke about something, you haven't really moved on. Some days are harder than others, but I just try to appreciate the people I have now and the good experiences I've been lead to." You kept the tone light, trying not to get too emotional.

He just stared at you for a few minutes, making you questions everything.

"I mean, it's totally different for you though! I was only there for 7 years, you were forced into all that for like 10 times as long. I didn't mean to belittle-"

"I think you inspire me just as much as you say I've inspired you." He cut you off again, a small smile growing on your lips.

"Well, in the spirit of our newfound friendship, can I be totally honest?" You bit your lip, nervous about telling him the truth.

He looked nervous as well, but nodded anyway.

"I kind of, maybe, sort of have a crush on you." You watched his expression carefully, although there was really no need. His face easily gave away his surprise.

"You..." He stuttered, moving his fingers between the two of you. "Me? But, I was so mean!"

"What can I say, I saw through the facade... Well, really Wanda accidentally read your mind and told me why you were so upset around me when her and Nat teamed up to get me to tell you how I feel." You rambled again, realization dawning that you accidentally outed Wanda.

"But you can't tell her I told you that! She didn't mean to! She just said you think really loud sometimes and it's hard not to hear it! She did it to me too actually, I mean I told her she could look in my head so I wouldn't have to explain everything again, I know so lazy, and that's how she confirmed my crush on you." You said it all with wide eyes at a rapid speed, unable to control yourself around Bucky.

You slapped your hands over your mouth, forcing yourself to stop talking. Bucky looked on in amusement, slowly reaching to pull your hands away from your face.

"I won't tell her, if you get dinner with me tonight." He smiled cheekily, relishing in your blush.

"That's a deal I'm willing to make." You reached your arms around his neck, kissing his cheek before running to get ready.

***

Bonus:

Sam whined playfully as he looked at the high scores. "Whose username is 'God is a spoon' and how did they get so good at this game?"

He looked around the room, eying any suspicious candidates. Everyone denied it, throwing out accusations left and right.

It was another of Tony's team bonding nights and he chose VR games on the oculus. Obviously, Beat Saber was a top contender amongst the group.

You walked in with Bucky, unaware of the conversation going on, but immediately joining it.

"Peter! I bet it was him!" You playfully nudged the younger Avenger, having formed a close friendship in the early days. "What am I betting on?" Everyone laughed, happy to see you in a good mood after being so stressed for so long.

"Whose username is 'God is a spoon'." Sam chuckled after filling you in. You and Bucky settled on the couch, cuddling next to each other.

"Oh, that's me. Why?" You looked around curiously, trying to figure out what they wanted. "Is it a weird username? It was actually one of the catchphrase things in Just Dance on the switch, I didn't just think of it." You tried to justify yourself, causing more laughter.

"You?! How did you get all the highscores on this game? I thought you were the clumsy one."

You made an exaggerated face to show how offended you were, playfully swatting at Sam.

"I'll have you know, 7 years of Hydra 'training' and experimentation has its perks." You joked with the room. "One of them being I can beat your ass at pretty much any video game."

"Oh, you're so on." Sam smiled, glad he could joke around with you about it.

Meanwhile, Tony looked incredulously around the room, being the only one in the room who hadn't heard about your history, he was rightfully confused.

"I'm sorry, 7 years of WHAT?"

[lostnfounder]

The following is a transcript of an impromptu interview that occurred between Lostfield Gazette Reporter Ruth Shirbon and Lostfield resident, Riley Woodsong.

RU: Hey- Hey! Hello, hi! [Out of breath from running up.] Uh. Sorry, this may seem a bit out of nowhere, but- I'm from-... I mean, I'm just, uh. A guy with no connections to any newspapers at all. And I'm wondering if maybe you could answer some questions? For, uh, a study I'm doing into... no media company in particular? Pretty ple- [cough] Please?

RY: I uh- What- Uh- Who are you-?

RU: Ruth Shirbon, she/they, uh...? [Reaching hand out for a handshake.]

RY: U-uh.. Okay..? [The most awkward handshake in the world oh my god]

RU: Uhm. So. [3ish second pause.] Sorry. I'm, just, uh, wondering why you're taking down?? Presumably month old missing posters???

RU: ... Right. Forgot I. Had that out. [Awkwardly stuffs phone in pocket.] I was, uh... Anyways. You don't have to tell me anything, but... isn't someone gonna think this whole operation is a little suspicious? I mean... I don't really think the police would want you taking down their posters??

RY: I mean- The-the police didn't put these up. I did.

RU: Wh- Huh? [Looks more closely at the posters.] Oh, shit. Why? Did you... know them? Did the police not take your case, or something? Wouldn't be out of character, but like. Goddamn.

[From what I remember, the posters depicted an individual with long, dark hair, with a phone number at the bottom. There was also a name, Lylah, but it was really weathered and old-looking. I couldn’t make out much else. I did scratch down the Last Seen date on it, though, before I left: August 11th, 2019. Jesus Christ.]

RY: I uhm.. Yes, I did know them.. The police took the case, but, uh, they didn't- they couldn't find anything- and- and everything thinks they're dead- uh..

RU: Oh, Christ. I'm so sorry. [Another pause.] ... But then, why are you taking them down? It's only been... uh, four...ish years...?

RY: Well uh- Everyone keeps, telling me that I need to move on, so- And my- my mother in law told me take them down, said I was "only hurting myself more" uhm. "by clinging to the past."

RU: Oh! That's... That sucks. I- I mean, I don't think it's?? Wrong?? To cling a little bit?? Uhm. I would know. But... I can see where she's coming from. I, uh, hope you find.. closure?? [Another pause.] Uh. But as another... entirely unrelated question, what are your opinions on Showfall Media...? If you have any...?

RY: [A stutter] I- uh, they're, fine? I guess? I mean, I don't like watching it much, anymore, cuz I know they helped- uh, worked on some of the projects, so-

RU: Wait, they- They worked for Showfall?! I mean, uh. [Clears throat and lowers speaking volume] They worked there?? And went missing?? I- [Ahem] ... Did you ever think maybe that was, uh... connected? In some way? Perhaps?

RY: Uh- I don't know? I just- uh, I know that they, Lylah, my uh- my fiance, worked for a production company that worked on some of those productions, until it was erh, bought out, by Showfall Media, a few years ago. I-I don't know if, where they worked is somehow related?

RY: [A pause] Well, uhm.. It was just.. normal. They said that- that things were changing at the company, that they had gotten bought out and they didn't like the new management and that the new rules were weird, but it was just- Nothing seemed... strange, I guess? Is what I'm getting at? A little strained maybe, but, nothing that would like, signal that, a week later I would wake up and never see them again?

RU: ... Interesting. I mean! Sad! Very sad! Uh! I'm sorry! Uhm! But, uh... I... wonder if maybe it did have something to do with the company? I mean. If it was a week after they joined. Were any of their belongings gone, too, anything to suggest maybe it was planned at all?

RY: [A very long stretch of silence, like 14ish seconds] ..I- I don't know, I just- Maybe something was happening, maybe something wasn't, they didn't- talk about it, too much, since the whole [She makes vague hand gestures] thing was uh, stressing them out. Just- just. One day they were there, bantering and complaining about the new dresscode at work and how the manager seemed a million years old, and... [Another pause] then the next they just. Weren't.

RU: [Puff of air out] God. Okay. Then, uh. [Pause.] This next one might sound a little weird. Uhm. Have you ever had the experience, of... someone that was in their life... seemingly not remembering them?

RY: Uhm, no? Not really? I mean, their family pretends that they don't, but like- It's more just like they disappeared into thin air. Like they were scrubbed so thoroughly from reality that there's just. Nothing to find.

RU: [Exhales, almost a disappointed sigh] Dammit. I mean- Sorry. That's horrible. Uhm. [Pause, spacing out for a moment.] ... Well then, I... Don't really know what else to ask. So- Wait. No. Who are you?? Oh my god.

RY: Oh uhm- [Stammering, and the crinkling of paper as she clings the poster to her chest] Uh, sorry. Riley. Riley Woodsong. And uh- She/it.

RU: Thank you, Riley. You're- You're a huge help, really. Uh. And. My condolences. [They almost lift a hand for another handshake, then awkwardly put the hand back down to her side.] Y'know, just. Thank you. Really. I, uh, have to go... do normal afternoon activities now. And my food is probably getting cold, so. Uh. See you around, maybe?

RY: Yeah, uh, sure. .. Wait! I, I know I sound crazy, thinking that they're still alive, but please, if you're a reporter or something then maybe you have access to like, camera footage or something? Just. Please. If you see anything, anything at all, that might help find them, my number is on the poster, just. Y-you don't have to, but I uh- I'm kinda running out of options.

RU: Oh-! Uh. Picked up on the reporter part, huh. Uhm... I might be able to ask around, yeah. See if anywhere is willing to cooperate in investigation into a four-year-old missing person's case... Camera footage from where, though, exactly? Anywhere they would have been seen leading up to the disappearance, and, uh, exact dates and times would help? [Produces a very small notepad, flipping through to an empty page and pulling a pen from behind their ear.]

RY: [A sigh of relief] Goodness, I didn't think this would- Okay uh. Near here, uh, this general area near the old mall, uh.. The company's old work building, it was the uh, what's now the studio across from the gas station down the road, it's at the intersection of 18th and 9th, and uhm. Near our apartment, Willwood apartments, on 25th avenue. The time- Well, you have the day they- when they disappeared. Everything leading up to that morning, maybe? Like a week or so? They always left early, before I woke up, so maybe around 5am to 8am?

RU: Well, maybe slow down a bit there, but. [Jotting this down.] 5... to 8.... got it, I think. I'll, uh, see if they're up for it, maybe tomorrow? It's getting late now, and I have, uh... plans. But thank you! Any lead- I mean, uh. Any evidence towards my study is an enormous help. [Slight pause.] And, uh, don't worry. I'm... not publishing anything in the paper--other than maybe a new missing notice, if you'd want that? And if the editors will allow it. And if that's... allowed, just in general, uh.

RY: [A breath.] Yeah, okay. That-that works, yeah. I don't know if a new missing notice will do much more than the last one, but- It, it would be nice. It might lead to something. I hope. I- Thank you. I mean it, thank you. And uh- If you need their full name, for any of the leads or something, it's Lylah Jay Garcia.

RU: [Writing this down, too.] Lylah... Jay... Garcia. Okay! I'll see what I can do. I hope it leads to something. F- For you, obviously! Uhm! This isn't just about my case! But... thank you. It does help a lot, what with... maybe figuring out if this is a recurring thing. Uhm. And you're welcome, also. That too. We're, uh, helping each other out here, hopefully.

RY: Yeah, and thank you, again. I-I.. I was really starting to think there was no hope here, I hope this changes that. [An awkward pause.] I suppose I shouldn't uh, keep you from your food? Any longer? Uhm. Sorry for uh, just, traumadumping on you. It's uh- been a day for me.

RU: Urgh. Yeah, you're good, I... haven't had the greatest one, either. But uh. I hope it does too. I... hope I can find what w- you're looking for. Anyway. Thank you for your time!

RY: B-bye, I hope your day gets better!

RU: You too! ... [Car opening sounds] Ah, fuck. My ice melted.

(this was written several hours ago in, uh, the denny's parking lot, as mentioned)

[ Lostfield Reporter Log #376 TO: Ruth Shirbon FROM: Ruth Shirbon SUBJECT: Denny’s Parking Lot Monologue #23

Alright, it’s another Speech to Text day, so you know I’m not doing well.

So Mr. Douglas is pissed because I “continued to defy his orders” whatever the fuck that means, like. I’m an individual person. I can post about my interests sometimes, even if I accidentally do it on the wrong blog. And then, while I’m in the middle of reasoning with him, calling him and trying to explain it was on the wrong blog, he just fucking hangs up on me! Like, what the hell! How am I the unprofessional one in this situation!?

Now he’s gone totally silent and won’t reply to me at all. Ughhhhhhh. 

And I- Oh. Order 4? The two cheeseburgers and the large Dr. Pepper? Yeah that’s me. Thank you so much! 

[chewing sounds] Anyway. I’m gonna head over to The Facility soon, just gotta give me a minute to- Hold on, who the hell is that?

…

…

What the fuck are they doing?

… That’s a missing poster. Someone is- Holy shit, I gotta turn this into an actual Log now what the fuck. This is- Currently it is 3:52 PM in the empty parking lot outside the Lostfield Denny’s, and there is a suspicious individual taking down missing posters.

I’m investigating this shit, hold on.