#this makes me remember I actually need to look for a psychiatrist to get anxiety meds

[mewharley]

I think I underestimated the CBD gummies... (medicinal from pharmacy, not actual drugs)

because I've been feeling like shit for weeks

so tired and my sleep scheduled is wrong and i feel more stressed and anxious continuously

and I just realized it's actually been weeks since I stopped eating them before going to sleep

why? idk I'm bad at keeping habits, I think I broke it by accident and then oops forgot about it

no wonder I've felt so bad

[mayrose713]

Beautifully Cruel World-Chapter 10

Series Masterlist | Previous | Next

ABO Non-Idol Stray Kids Universe Poly OT8 x Reader 18+ MDNI

Warnings in the Series Masterlist as well as any other information needed

Warning: Smut First time I've ever written smut, so I'm sorry if it sucks (I'm updating the warnings in the series masterlist so this is the only other warning for smut from here on out)

Also want to let everyone know that with holiday seasons coming up, work is getting busier and I'm gonna be working more days than my normal here soon so it's gonna be a bit harder to write. I promise to update as often as possible and I'm gonna start adding dates next to the upcoming chapters in the masterlist on when they should be posted so refer to that.

thank you everyone for reading, now enjoy

Chapter 10

“How was it?” Jisung asks after Y/n walks out of the office he was waiting for her in front of as she was talking with her therapist and psychiatrist and he can see the signs that she’s been crying which doesn’t surprise him. 

“Weird.” She sniffles, wiping her nose with a tissue. “They asked me a lot of mental health questions mostly, and they want to put me on anti anxiety meds for sure and maybe antidepressants.”

“It’s not too bad.” He takes her hand to lead her back to the lobby where Chan is waiting for them. “I was put on the same when I first started coming here. Still take the anxiety ones actually.”

“Really?” She looks at him surprised. 

“Yeah.” He nods his head. “I was homeschooled as a kid so I didn’t socialize as much as I should have and it caused a lot of anxiety because of it. The only reason I know Chan and Changbin is because my dad worked for their dads originally. Really they were my only friends back then.”

“Good to know.” She nods, frowning. 

“What’s wrong?”

“I just realized I don’t actually know a lot about all of you guys, or how you all came to be.” She whispers, looking at the floor. 

“Well feel free to ask questions whenever, we‘ll be happy to answer.” He squeezes her hand as they walk out into the lobby and Chan looks up at them.

“You okay?” Chan stands as the two walk up to him and he pulls her into his side. 

“Yeah, it was just a lot.” She hands him the paper for her anti-anxiety prescription. 

The alpha looks over it and sighs but understands and reads the note about possible antidepressants but they want to have more sessions with her to determine that. 

“I’m gonna ask you like I had asked Ji when they wanted to prescribe him this too.” He moves her to look at him. “Do you want to be put on medication? Do you think it will actually help you?”

“I-I don’t know. I’ve never taken stuff like this before.” She stutters. “But I’m wary because of the injections.” She then looks over at Jisung. “Does it help you?”

“Yeah, I think so.” He smiles at her. “I feel like I’m able to get through the day easier with it. And don’t worry, it’s nothing like how the injection was.”

Y/n nods her head still thinking about it and Chan tilts her head to look up at him. “Hey, you can try them out for a bit and if you don’t like how they make you feel or don’t think they’re helping then we can slowly get you off of it.” He reassures her. “We did that with Jisung for his antidepressants.” 

“Okay.” She whispers. “I’ll try it.” 

Chan goes and gets the prescription sent in to be picked up at the pharmacy in Stayville and picks it up on their way home. 

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾ ⋆⁺₊⋆

“Baby girl.” Chan stops the omega as she walks past his room and motions for her to come in. “I’ve noticed you’ve been in your head since we got home, talk to me.” He shuts the door after she walks in.

She sighs as he leads her to sit on his bed. “I just realized today that I don’t actually know a lot about all of you.” 

“That’s all?” He watches her closely as she nods her head. “Baby, all you have to do is ask us questions and we’ll tell you anything you want to know.” 

“Can you tell me about your family and where you came from?” She asks shyly. “I remember Minho telling me that Hannah visits from Australia a lot. And Dr. Hajoon was calling you Chris.” 

“Yeah.” He smiles and laughs a little as he sits next to her. “My English name is Christopher. I was born here but was mostly raised in Australia. My dad went back and forth from there and here to help Changbin’s dad run the company. His dad retired so he and I handle the Korean office while my dad still runs the one there.”

The omega nods as she listens. “Your brother is an omega. What about Hannah? And your parents?”

“Lucas is our only omega in my family pack too.” He smiled at her. “My dad is an alpha and so is Hannah. My mom is a beta.”

“Would we ever be able to go visit Australia?” She whispers.

“Of course.” He lifts her head to look at him. “As a pack we own a vacation house there so that Felix and I are able to visit our families often.”

Y/n’s jaw dropped. “How did I not realize that Felix is also Australian?”

“I don’t know, baby.” He laughs a bit. “Felix and I have known each other since we were kids. I taught him Korean and after I had moved and gotten settled here with Changbin, Jisung and Seungmin we moved him here.” 

“Ji said you guys were the only friends he had since his dad worked for yours.” She looks over his facial features. “How did everyone else come into the pack?”

“Well, Seungmin and I went to high school together here. I was his senior.” He smiles as she listens closely. “He was a bit unsure of himself when he realized we were fated. I had to go up to him first and tell him about Changbin and Jisung, who I was living with and tell him about Felix back home.”

“Minho had run into Jisung at a caffe not far from the office. At the time Minho was a backup dancer for BTS but after meeting Ji and wanting to court him since he was his fated mate, he decided to stay in Seoul and started teaching dance. And Ji convinced him to meet the other four of us as he knew we were his fated mates too.”

“Min was a backup dancer for BTS?” Y/n gawks. “I don’t believe it.”

“Look up some of their live performances, you’ll see.” And she makes a mental note to do so later. “Hyunjin and Jeongin met each other in school and knew they were each other's fated mates. Hyunjin had started taking classes from Min and even though they both realized they were fated mates, Jinnie was too scared of Minho to talk to him about it and Min wasn’t about courting his student.”

Y/n couldn’t help but laugh at how cute the whole situation is. “So how did it finally happen?”

“Felix.” Chan smirks. “Changbin had dropped him off at the studio one day to bring Minho lunch and Hyunjin fell in love at first sight. After that Lix made Jinnie and Min talk and Hyunjin told them about Jeongin and they told him about the rest of us.”

“That’s all really cute.” The omega gushes. “Best story ever.”

“I don’t know.” He grins at her mischievously. “I think my favorite story is the one about how we met our omega.” He grabs her pulling her onto his lap so she’s straddling him causing her to blush.

“Channie.” She pouts as he holds her hips and Y/n can’t help but to glance down at his lips, thinking about what it would be like to kiss him.

Y/n starts to wonder if they’re gonna claim her soon or not, thinking back to what her brother had told her, about them possibly just using her.

“You’re thinking too much, baby girl.” The alpha grips her hips a bit tighter causing her to whine a little. “Just say it.”

“Please.” She looks back and forth from his eyes to his lips.

“You’ve gotta say it.” She continues to pout though and he lightly spanks her ass. “Come on baby, I don’t know what you’re wanting if you don’t speak up.”

“Please claim me, alpha.” She sounds disparate.

“Fuck.” He growls, pulling her down to kiss her lips. “Wasn’t expecting that.”

The kiss is heated and passionate, he smirks at the small wines she’s making. He spanks her again causing her to gasp and the alpha takes the opportunity to slide his tongue past her lips. She doesn’t try to fight back with her tongue, already submitting to him.

He pulls away from the kiss and starts trailing kisses down her jaw to her neck, relishing in the little sounds she makes. He groans into her neck when she bucks her hips against him, her nails digging into his shoulders. 

Chan buries his nose into her scent gland before switching their positions so she’s on the bed and he’s hovering above. One arm next to her head to keep himself up and the other lightly trailing up her bare thigh to the bottom of her skirt. 

“Are you sure about this, baby girl? Because once we start, I’m not stopping.” He looks into Y/n’s eyes, seeing how desperate and needy she already is as she nods her head. “Words baby, I need you to use your words.”

“Yes alpha, I’m sure.”

“Good girl.” He growls as he pushes her skirt up and cups her sex, feeling how damp her underwear is. “Fuck, my little omega, you’re already so wet.” 

Y/n covers her face with her hands in embarrassment as he continues to rub her through her panties letting out little whines and moans. 

“Don’t hide from me.” Chan grabs both of her wrists with one hand and moves them from her face and pins them above her head. “There she is, my beautiful girl.”

“Channie.” Y/n bucks her hips against his hand. “You’re teasing.”

“Am I?” He fake pouts at her before taking his hand away from her and she whines and squirms as he still holds her in place. “What’s wrong? I thought you didn’t want me to tease you? So I stopped.” 

“Chan, please.” And with a smirk at her begging he lets go of her wrists, moving his hands to her blouse and takes it off and raises a brow at her bare chest. “No bra? Tsk, naughty girl.”

“Took it off when we got home.” Y/n pants. “It was uncomfortable.” 

“Of course it was.” He coos, kissing her lips again and cups her boob, squeezing it a little before playing with her nipple. 

She arches her back, moaning into his mouth as she starts pulling at his shirt trying to get it off. Chan sits back pulling the shirt over his head and she ogles him, eyes roaming over every muscle of his torso. She then notices the bulge in his jeans, sitting up she unbuttons them as he smiles while watching her, helping take his pants off leaving him in his boxers. 

Chan grabs the waistband of her skirt, pulling it down along with her panties before pushing her to lay back down as he looks over her.

“You’re so beautiful.” He whispers, moving his fingers to play with her slit before pushing a finger in causing her to bite her lip. “You’re so tight, baby. If you can’t take my finger, how are you gonna take my cock?”

“I can take it.” The omega moans as he starts to finger her. “Please alpha, I can, I promise.”

“Let me prep you first.”

He pushes a second finger in and makes a come hither motion and she arches her back once again grabbing onto his arm as he speeds up his fingers. 

“Channie, please.” Y/n whimpers as he pulls his fingers out of her pussy, bringing his fingers to his mouth to taste her slick.

“Mmm, you tastes so good. Gonna have to eat you out sometime.” He wastes no time sliding his boxers off before leaning over her, lining up with her. “This might hurt a little, but I promise it will get better, just let me know if it gets to be too much.”

“Okay.” Y/m whispers and gasps when he starts to push in. 

When Chan feels some resistance he gives a hard thrust, completely bottoming out inside her causing her to moan a little in pain and pleasure. He stays still, looking at her face to check she’s okay and wipes away a tear from her eye.

“Does it hurt?”

“A little.” The omega whimpers before grinding against him. “Please move.”

Chan pulls out a bit before thrusting back in causing her to gasp again as he moves. Her expression soon changed from that of a bit of pain into pleasure.

“You’re so tight, baby girl.” He grunts as her hands go to his shoulders, claws coming out and start digging into his skins as she becomes a moaning mess under him.

“Please alpha, more.” And he speeds up his rhythm, rutting into her as he looks down to where they are connected seeing just how well she’s taking him. 

When he sees some blood, which shockingly didn’t make her feel bad for hurting her but turned him on more knowing he’s taken her innocence and now belongs to the pack, to him. The sight of it causes him to harden his thrust and he grabs her hands from his shoulders placing them next to her head and holds them.

“Channie… ah.” Y/n squeezes his hands, head turning to the side as her eyes close, her walls clamping around him.

“Fuck.” He growls, loving the sound her slick makes around his cock. “You close baby?”

She nods in desperation and the knot at the base of his cock starts to swell. “Please, Chan, so close. Want your knot, please. Please claim me.”

Chan nuzzles into her neck for a moment smelling at her scent gland before biting down hard, teeth breaking the skin as he tastes her blood. She screams and cums around him, shaking in pleasure, her juices squirting everywhere making a mess of both of them and the bed. She thought the bite would hurt but instead she just feels a flood of his love and emotions for her.

He stays latched onto her neck riding out her pleasure before his knot inflates all the way and he releases his load into her. His knot keeps him locked in as his cum fills her up, some spilling out around his cock. It isn’t until she’s milked him dry that he lets go of her neck, licking his lips of her blood.

Y/n gazes up at him looking fucked out as he lets go of one of her hands to push some of her hair out of her face. “You did so good, baby girl.”

“Wanna bite you too.” The omega whimpers as she tries to move but his knot still hasn’t softened, keeping him in place.

Chan leans down, giving her access to his neck, the side with only three mate marks and she bites down just under the bottom one. He groans in pleasure and lets her stay there as long as she wants. 

Once she lets go she looks up at him, eyes full of love. “My alpha.”

“That’s right baby.” He coos and kisses her lips. “I love you so much.”

“Love you too.”

______________________________________________________________

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[ghoastixx]

Yandere!Hannibal and Yandere!Will Graham, who are obsessed with the survivor of a serial killer, who has resurfaced again. So the reader needs to go into some kind off protection and now stays at Hannibal‘s with Will visiting regularly and Hannibal comforting her?

Yandere!Hannibal & Will Graham x gn!reader

synopsis above

Notes: Okay okay okay... as someone who used to read A LOT of yandere fics, i'm flattered to be writing one for such a thirsty fandom. But, I must admit, this is my first time actually writing one. So bear with me please. Also, YAY!! A WILL GRAHAM REQUEST!!! (I'm a stereotypical will graham lover boy) I do love writing edgy insane will graham :3

Author notes: Mentions the "ghost face" killer... sorry y'all at the end of the day im not original and scream 1 holds a dear dear place in my heart. Will is sort of creepy in this. Reader is broken but trying to heal, will and hannibal ruin that. Reader sort of takes Margot Verger's place in a way? Reader is a bit shallow and emotional, sorry chat.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The nightmare started two years ago. The ghostface murders happened every year or so; ever since that massacre in Woodsburrow when it all began. They popped up all over America. It wasn't a shock when a new copycat showed up in Maryland, Baltimore. A shame...sure. A shock? Not as much.

You weren't very worried. You lived a relatively boring life, a safe life. You were not final girl material. Well, that's what you had thought before someone in a ghostface mask stabbed you on the walk home from work.

You remember how exhausting the press was when you woke up alive, how nauseating the treatments were, how tedious the whole stay was. It was all boring and you were scared. Your face was all over newspapers, magazines, blogs, what if he came back to finish the job? The fear was too much, you fell into a deep pit of self pity and anxiety... One particular article though.. tattle crime. It pushed you over the edge.

People around you could sense the distress, you were referred to a psychiatrist upon your release. A Doctor Hannibal Lecter.

The first session had gone well, in your opinion. Of course, you hadn't been the most open of patients, but he was so patient with you, he was so understanding. You couldn't see how fond of you he actually was.

The first time you had walked into his office, he was amused. You had been the talk of the news, lately, and here you were now. Sitting in his office. You were interesting. A normal person, someone who had never really been bothered by much.. now utterly shattered. A beautiful vase put to waste, he would be the gentle hand to put you back together.

You met Will Graham almost a year later.

Your appointments were always right before Will Graham's. Of course, you didn't know that, but he did.

You had just finished up a session with Dr.Lecter, gently closing his door behind you, you were met with a shorter man looking intently at you. He had dark curls and his glasses were clinging to the edge of his nose. You stared back at him for a moment. He wasn't making direct eye contact, but he was looking.

"Excuse me...can I help you?" you murmured, a bit freaked out. He shook his head, snapping himself out of it.

"I'm sorry- are you Y/N L/N?" He asked, he had a nice accent that you couldn't place. You sighed, crossing your arms.

"Yes, what of it?" your annoyed tone made him look away from you.

"Nothing-I'm sorry- I just went over your case in my lecture this week,"

"Lecture?"

"Yes, I'm a professor."

"Oh.. what class, if I'm allowed to ask?" He smiled, shaking his head a bit,

"You can ask. A criminal analysis class." you nodded.

"That's very interesting Mister..."

"Will Graham."

You two began seeing each other a lot more while switching roles in Lecter's chair. Friendly smiles, waves, anxious nods.. and then Hannibal started to get into Will's head. His intentions turned to the computer. Researching about you. He reassured himself, he was just doing his job. Researching victims. Until he brought you up in a session.

"What seems to be on your mind Will?" Hannibal asked patiently.

"One of your patients." This caught his attention,

"Which one of my patients would this be?"

"Y/N L/N." Will leaned back in his chair, spreading his legs out. Hannibal straightened up.

"Y/N, I see." His voice was a bit firmer now. He had grown protective over you. Possessive. "what of them?"

So Will began talking about his newfound obsession with you. This pleased Hannibal just a bit, the idea that they both could have you.

So, with Hannibal's nonverbal permission, Will started to get more involved in your life as you both slowly started to succumb to Hannibal's manipulation.

Everything was going swimmingly. That was until you got a notification on your phone during work today.

"Ghostface killer resurfaces after two years!"

With trembling hands, you clock out and immediately go to your car. You sit in your locked car, shaking. As soon as you read the article, you turn off your phone, putting it in the console. You start driving.

You knock on the lavish door, your skin pale and your body shaking. You're so cold. You begin pounding on the door..faster.. why can't he just come out faster?

The door swings open, you almost hit the taller man in the chest. He was wearing a vest and a white button up shirt, dress pants. He had just gotten off work. His eyes held annoyance, but when he saw your rather fragile state, his face grew concerned. He ushers you inside, his firm arms around your shoulders, leaning your shaky form to a sofa. Sitting you down and making you explain to him what's wrong.

"He- he's back Hanni. He's gonna come back after me-" you manage to cry out, his hands softly going through your hair.

"My dear, you're okay.." His phone rings, which makes you jump. He glares at it before seeing it is Will. He answers it, a very frantic voice picks up.

"Hannibal- I can't get ahold of Y/N-"

"Will." he all but chided. "Our love is here, calm down."

"I'm coming over." he stated before hanging up. He sounded frustrated, which just scared you even more.

A few minutes later, a disgruntled Will walks in, immediately coming up to the sofa which housed you clinging to Hannibal for dear life.

"Y/N- I tried to call you- I was so worried." Once he saw your expression, he toned it down as he sat next to you. "Pup..it's alright, we're here."

Both men frowned when you shook your head. "No! He's back for me- he's gonna get me."

Hannibal responded with a 'tsk' sound, still playing with your hair. "My love, he will do no such thing." Will hummed in agreement, rubbing a hand over your back. "You'll stay here with Will and I, we'll keep you safe and sound."

Will was pleased when you caved into the demand, he honestly thought you would've denied it quicker. Both men dotted over you before pushing you to get some sleep. Sandwiching you in between them. Will waited til he could hear your soft snores before looking at Hannibal with a bit of a glare.

"I told you it wasn't a good idea." Hannibal looked at him with a false innocence.

"What wasn't a good idea, Will?"

"Poking the killer. Getting him to want to come back."

"It will all work out..we just had to..scare them into submission. You see? Hasn't it worked."

Will sighed a bit, "Yes..I still don't like it very much though.."

"Nothing will happen to either of you, Will. I wouldn't allow it."

Will did stop talking, not wanting to wake you. Besides, he knew Hannibal had a point. They did have you to themselves now.. and if everything went to plan.. you wouldn't be leaving.

[findingmypeace]

Right now I have the time to either get ahead for the week on work things OR spend time on tumblr. Haha, and here I am. I have so much I want to say so I'm going to break it into multiple posts

I got the results of the brain mapping. It was hard for me to understand so she labeled the categories and made several charts to help me. To simplify it as much as possible there was a strong indication towards ADHD, dyslexia, and autism. The strongest indications were for insomnia and anxiety. Depression was one of the lowest. In a different analysis, it showed that I can be "inattentive and deep in thought" while my brain is also "hyper aware, on guard, tense, and anxious"

Omfg, this explains so much! That contrast between being deep in thought and hyper aware is exactly how I feel. It's being pulled in two directions and trying to function like everyone else. This is most likely the ADHD. I've ALWAYS suspected I might have this but I didn't thinking people would believe me.

I'm also wondering how much of what I think is depression is actually about dealing with trauma, a lot of anxiety, trying to keep up with the rest of the world, and doing this while my brain is being pulled in different directions.

Add in the dyslexia and autism. Same thing. Will people believe me? I've thought about the autism for a long time. There are so many signs that RY even said to me "I wonder if you have autism". And the dyslexia make so much sense. She mentioned it's not just about letters. For me, it probably shows up as dyscalculia. And (random thought) now I'm wondering if all of the above leads to me skipping words when I type (my mind is moving too fast) or adding in extra words here and there.

On top of all of this, I am going through all of my belongings and "purging" aka going through all of my belongings, organizing things, and throwing out/donating things I don't need. While doing this I am came across a genetic test I did in 2015 that shows the different ways my brain will react to certain medications. My current psychiatrist has not seen this yet but he has done a good job of following these recommendations anyway. However, the report showed I am very susceptible to weight gain while taking antipsychotics. I know antipsychotics have a well know side-effect of weight gain. This is just saying I am more likely to have this as a side-effect. AND there are very few categories of medication that will have a strong influence on my brain. I remember taking this and now I'm remembering these results.

I will be taking both reports and showing my psychiatrist. He had asked me about the genesight test result a long time ago but I had no clue where I kept the them or if I even had it anymore. It looks like I do! I really, really hope all this information can lead to more effective treatment for me.

[diy-fire-water-pups]

Can yall send me encouragement. I recently relapsed in self in*ury and I’m struggling trying to stay clean again

Dude, why would someone do that?!? It makes no sense!!!

Some people feel bad to the point they think they deserve nothing but pain, or something like that... I read about it when I was studying possible cases I could maybe be called for as an EMT.

Still doesn't make any sense to me, that's so untrue!! Why would someone believe that?? I mean, not even bad people deserve anything like that. You shouldn't mistreat yourself like that, Anon!

I don't even know what to say. That caught me completely off guard. I'm not able to process this.

Well... What I can say for now is that it's not worth it. If you're already suffering due to something else, when you do that you just add even more to it, instead of making things better for yourself.

First of all, you need professional help in person, there's not much I could possibly do from over here and I'm just a first responder EMT, not an actual psychologist or psychiatrist. Second, a wrong move and you'll just create even more trouble for yourself and everyone else around you, especially the ones you care about and those who care about you, which is certainly not what you're looking for. Keep that in mind. If not for yourself, then don't do it for them.

Last, but not least, leave everything that can be harmful absolutely out of your reach. Make it all very hard to get, with as many obstacles as you can ever come up with, like it's the most cursed ancient artifact ever created, which no one should not even take a quick glance at. Just the huge trouble and long time spent to get to it should give enough time for your mind to distract with anything else and give up in the meantime. Work some laziness to your favor!

There are alternatives which won't get you in trouble and will keep you clean, if it comes down to it. Play with some ice cubes, or scribble angry or sad stuff down in a paper, then rip it and throw it away. Writing down all your thoughts and then getting rid of the paper with them is good too. It's all psychological play, and you can play this to your favor as well.

Always remember: Your body is yours, you own your thoughts, not the other way around! This is the only body you have, you can't move to a different one if it breaks down, so take good care of it!

Go for a walk around the block where you live. It doesn't need to be a fancy walk in a fancy place like in the movies, just around the block is already something! Sit under the sun for a while - don't forget a sunscreen! Feel the warmth of it. Stand in the rain for a couple minutes and then have a nice warm shower, wrap yourself in comfy blankets and go watch some cartoon that makes you happy. Forget complicated series or movies, go for the easy to understand stuff, preferably something you've already watched before, because as you already know how it ends, you won't work yourself into anxiety by wondering what's coming next. Your brain needs some down time too! Get yourself a tasty snack. Stop checking the news about the world for a while, most of them are currently tragic and you need some "you time", get it? Call a friend over to just spend time together, play a light game (avoid online games with toxic players), or go over to someone else's house. Changing the air you breathe and seeing different things is always good for getting those thoughts out of your mind too, as it'll get you distracted.

There are just lots of simple things you can do and enjoy, rather than wasting time with that. Sometimes even just sleeping through an entire day is a good start, just don't stay in bed forever, otherwise it might go up to a depressing level! Make good and necessary things easier for yourself, like leaving a water bottle somewhere next to your bed or desk, so you don't need to go all the way to the kitchen for some water. Gotta stay hydrated or your brain will start eating itself out!

Wait, that actually happens?

Sort of. The cells shrink when they're dehydrated and it causes damage to cognitive functions, memory loss, brain fog, stuff like that. You can't think clearly, nor make clear decisions at all. And no, Zuma, salt water doesn't count as keeping yourself hydrated, before you even ask. The salt absorbs the water in your body and the effects will be even worse if you don't get yourself some fresh water constantly.

No wonder Ryder always made me carry a big water bottle in my hovercraft. Anyway, I hope you'll feel better soon, Anon. I don't know if it's any help at all, but I like to remember that after every bad storm, there's always a rainbow to appreciate. And even when the storm takes a very long time to pass, you can remember that above it, there's no storm at all, it's all peace and quiet above the stormy clouds. It's like that one song... "Behind the clouds, the sun is shining! Believe me, even though you can't quite make it out! You may not see the silver lining, but there's a big blue sky waiting right behind the clouds!"

Wow, you got Zuma to sing just like that. Anyway, same here, I hope you'll get help and recover well. That's totally messed up... Please don't do that ever again, stop lying to yourself to such a point!

[my-castles-crumbling]

hey cas,

so, i dont really know exactly how to word things right so please bear with me while i try to explain a bit.

i think i have bipolar disorder (or something similar, im still looking into things), but i dont know if im just going crazy and imagining things. theres not really anyone in my life i can talk to about it to gauge their opinion, so im kind of left by myself to deal with it.

i dont have a trusted adult or loved one i can go to for help, and ive not been to a doctor since probably 2017 at the latest so im not even sure who id be making an appointment with to discuss anything like this. ive considered trying to get myself into therapy but im afraid that if i go in saying that i think im bipolar and have other mental illnesses (im about 99% certain i have anxiety and likely some sort of depressive disorder too, but that might be more linked with the mood swings of bipolar) that its the wrong way to go about it? like, i might just be really ignorant but i dont think thats how therapy works is it?

basically im worried that if i go in saying the disorders i think i have, then theyll tell me im exaggerating or that i need other people to back me up or that i do need to see my gp doctor (which, again, i dont actually think i have one) or that it isnt my place to try to diagnose myself etc.

im not really sure what im asking here? maybe if you have any advice/experience about what therapy is actually like or what i could expect? or a better way to go about getting help? i really dont know honestly aha, sorry

Well, you've definitely come to the right place lol, I've been to and ghosted many a therapist! (Don't ghost your therapist!)

Actually, recently I started therapy again and it's been a great experience, so let me tell you about it. Warning: I live in the US, so if you live elsewhere, it might be different.

When you start therapy, they're going to ask you a LOT of questions. Lots about your background, your childhood, your feelings, etc. It'll feel a bit invasive, but make sure to be honest! Like brutally honest. Like if you're like...'I might be feeling this way but idk if I'm faking..' tell them that. They need to know everything.

Then, if you're a minor, they'll talk to your parents and get their insight. If you have issues with your parents, make sure to tell them that BEFORE this part happens, so they can take what your parents say with a grain of salt.

Last, they'll give you a 'tentative diagnosis.' This means that this is what they think you have, but it's not a die-hard medical diagnosis. They'll treat you based on this, but if you ever wanted accommodations in school or anything for it, you would have to go to a clinical psychiatrist to get it written up.

Here's the thing: the diagnosis my surprise you or even make you feel invalidated. If it does? Tell them that. Because, two things: One- they may have gotten something wrong. Or two- they need to know if you aren't understanding something fully.

To be very personal, I am diagnosed with both depression and anxiety. When I started therapy recently and again got those diagnoses, I wasn't surprised. But I also was told I have 'illness-anxiety disorder' which is the new term for a hypochondriac. I was super insulted because I was picturing the stereotypical hypochondriac who fakes illnesses for attention (this was uneducated of me) but my therapist explained that this version of anxiety more means that I have a lot of anxiety related to being nervous to get sick or the results of getting sick. Which was like- oh. yeah. I do panic every time someone sneezes on me. My therapist said this has become increasingly common since COVID.

All this to say it sounds like seeking out therapy might be a great way for you to get the answers you're looking for. But even if they're not the answers you think they'll be, remember that your feelings and experiences are still extremely valid and no less real.

<3 <3 <3

[nickolox]

((( long ramble post)))

trying to figure wtf is going on with your own mental health without the help of a professional + having a mental illness that already fucks with the way you perceive things (ocd) is genuine hell

like, I HAVE a psychiatrist, but he's fucking. awful and always puts medications first over like, figuring out what the fuck is going on

and everything about this whole procedure just feels like, off???

tldr: local man questions if he has The Dissociative Disorder™ whilst being simultaneously given red herrings and blatantly obvious eye opening signals at the same time, and has the same realizations 30 times over because i am in a constant cycle of denial, forgetting and then rediscovering this bullshit

so to put it in a nutshell most of my psychiatrist discussions about the big disorderly things go like this:

psych: so what are you experiencing me: i keep like, having these massive gaps in my memory, where i have no idea what happened or what i did or anythign for hours and hours at a time, and i looked up what that means and its apparently called dissociating? what does that mean? psych: right, that's a stress response. me: yeah, That makes sense. But I've also been unable to remember major events like my sister's wedding or my graduation... psych: well... obviously you were just anxious lol me: *remembers the photos i have as the only proof i have that those events happened, and im smiling in all of them* maybe?? i mean, it didn't seem like that was the case. psych: (completely ignores that) hmmm. okay. anyways- me: also I've been hearing voices??? psych: where? externally or internally? me: internally psych: (visible relief) oh thank god i was concerned it was schizophrenia for a moment, having an internal dialogue is normal :) me: i can't control the voices though, and they don't sound like my own voice in my mind. they're distinct, and it's not like my OCD either. psych: that's normal, sometimes people just imagine things ^_^

so, it was "anxiety" the first time, came back. told him this shit is still happening, and then he blamed it on my medications, and now i'm on a new set, which i suppose needed to happen anyways?

But like, he told me that brain fog and memory loss are a thing with prozac (what i was taking before) and i was like "huh no one told me that" to which he said "well no one says the full list of side effects because no one would want to take the meds otherwise"

i get home, i look up the fucking manual that comes with prozac when you go on it for the first time, and no where. NOWHERE. is this shit on that list of side effects. i look up a list of the side effects, dozens of sites, NOTHING!!!!

I speak with my bestie and he reminds me that,

I dealt with these problems prior to going on medication (something i didnt even remember, lol)

it has literally nothing to do with anxiety bc he himself has crippling anxiety and deals with none of the shit i do

i'm going to shit bricks dude what the fuck is wrong with my stupid brain, it feels like such a wild challenge compared to when i found out about my OCD, like, dude at least with that bitch it was consistent, it was 24/7. as shit as that was at least I knew it was always there, always there to be a bitch, but undeniable none the less.

This current mystery disorder is like, oooOOOooo i'm going to be here SOME OF THE TIME!!! to make you DOUBT it exists!!! and im sitting here like, is this a symptom or is this my ocd fucking with me bro

i feel like i might have some kind of dissociative disorder, but the problem I'm having is that it's not CONSISTENT??? like, some days I'll be like yeah this is the dream and then other days I cannot physically do anything, remember jack shit, feel like my soul is leaving my fucking body all god damn day?

why do people always talk about alters too, it's like, the one thing I don't experience, or at least, the one thing that's rare enough to not hinder me like the actual dissociation problems.

I feel like I can't be certain, and that sets my OCD off, because my brain goes "what if we're faking- what if you're overreacting" which in turn makes me go. insane. I am going insane.

there is sooo much more i could say, but i just realized it;s half past midnight. I should um. probably go to bed.

Goodnight.

[kiefbowl]

I'm messaging you because your answers have always been so well written and grounding. I also hope to get some input from other women that have experience with or advice for what I'm dealing with.

How does one deal with feeling ugly to the point where one avoids almost all mirrors and cries after looking at candid pictures of themselves? Since getting into radical feminism, I've stopped wearing make up and shaving. I've also seriously picked up weightlifting so I'm quite muscular (not ripped though). Physically, I'm the healthiest I've ever been but most of the time, I feel like a monster.

I've always had some kind of body dysmorphia so I cannot even be sure how objective my view of myself is. The only times I've felt "beautiful" where when I had anorexia, wore make up, shaved and dressed in a feminine way.

But... I don't want to *need* to feel beautiful. I could never get myself to starve/wear make up/shave/dress up again, I just want to *be*. Why does simply *being* cause me so much anguish? Why do I hate "being perceived", why do I give it so much importance? How do I stop caring about what others, especially people I don't even like/know, think about me? It also does not help that I'm het-partnered. Sometimes I feel like the only thing that can heal me is to escape to a remote forest, literally not being perceived by anyone for some time. Is this something that just needs time? I'm turning 26 this year, I feel like this problem should have stayed with teenaged me :(

Idk idk... maybe it's time to consider therapy. Sometimes it gets so bad I cannot leave the house. Thank you for any help and I'm sorry to offload this baggage. I would love to hear any radfem-aligned advice :(

I think you should follow your instincts about therapy. I wish I could come up with some amazing new words strung in a way that's going to alter your life, but I don't think I can. I can tell you that if we met, I wouldn't think you're ugly, I'm positive about this even though I've never seen you. I can tell you that I personally know many women who can leave the house no matter what they look like, including me. Not all of those women are happy about it, but they still can. I can tell you that ultimately, I don't put a whole lot of value towards "beauty" for myself, but I'll admit not every day is easy. Generally, I find it easy, but even still I have days where it isn't, despite everything else I believe. You're not alone in that regard.

Not being able to leave the house is something I would consider debilitating, it's something you should take seriously. Even if it's only once in a blue moon, it's more than me. It's more than most people. Most people can leave the house when they need to even in their deepest despair, so if you really can't because you're afraid of how you look and feel about your image and how you're perceived, I would call that debilitating anxiety. It's not frivolous, it's not silly, and you deserve to be well.

When searching for therapists, if you choose that route, look for licensed psychologists or psychiatrists. both can have a talk therapy practice, but generally speaking psychiatrists can prescribe drugs while most psychologists don't (depends on the state and other factors). Many people sell "counseling" without necessarily being licensed or having a doctorate. It's not necessarily wrong, but I would recommend going with someone who's received their doctorate for actually therapy. Remember, that with talk therapy, that's a relationship you're building with your therapist, it can take time to come up with strategies that work for you as they get to know you. Talk therapy might also not be for you, in which case seeing a psychiatrist right away might be a better option as they might get down to the brass tacks and seek a diagnosis quickly, though they might want to prescribe something to you quickly. Weigh these options down, but I do think talking to someone and getting an opinion with a professional will help you. Just like with any medicine, you're allowed to seek out second (or even third or fourth or more) opinions.

I really hope you can find some peace. I'm rooting for you. Keep striving, sis. <3

[halfelven]

typical my life was fucked up stuff under the cut (csa)

i have quite high self esteem and self confidence which always surprises psychiatrists bc of my background but the thing is i don’t really know why i do? possibly out of spite? from pure necessity? byproduct of having to be as independent as i had to be?

i’m also not a people pleaser and i don’t really have social anxiety so it might stem from the idea that there was nothing i could do to get attention, affection, or help and the only person i could ever rely on was myself

i did use to hate myself and think a lot of the shit they told me about me was true, but i really like myself now and i don’t think my close friends all secretly hate me. i have to force myself to respect (good) authority and not think i’m better than other people. i think this probably does stem from the hyper independence. i also have to force myself to form attachments.

(this is one thing that i told my mother would happen to me in my ‘why i shouldn’t be this isolated’ presentations. i have referenced it in previous posts without admitting what it was since i don’t want to hurt people’s feelings by saying it is hard for me to form attachments or really care if someone stays in my life. it’s not consciously a choice to avoid hurt from people leaving, but it might be subconsciously that. i saw too many friends die as a child and then went into near total isolation and didn’t form any new relationships during a crucial time in child development—as i told my mother.)

i find it interesting how it is so different from what psychiatrists are expecting, but all my good drs have admitted there’s hardly any studies done on cases like mine, so there’s not that much to compare it to.

but my current dr doesn’t think i should do long distance therapy due to she thinks my therapist should closely monitor my body language and facial expressions.

(‘like what you’re doing with your hands,’ she says, as i glance down at how i’m twirling my thumbs round each other. i laugh since i knew that was one big thing she meant when she said it would be better in person. ‘yes, that makes sense, of course,’ i say. i smile at her, looking straight into her eyes and laugh again because i know the other thing she’s thinking and that we’re both not saying. ‘so much of trauma is held in the body,’ she says, ‘and long distance you can’t see more than the face. and you can’t mark changes.’ ‘of course,’ i agree.

i can’t remember our last appointment in february or the one before that in december. she tells me that both times i spoke clearly and was tidy and presentable. that she hadn’t noticed anything about me being completely gone. she asks if i was gone somewhere else. i truthfully tell her that i can’t remember most of the winter. nothing felt real and now most of it is dark.

she says i’m the perfect candidate for rehabilitation because i’m so driven and strong. that i need time to heal and establish myself. but i know what i want. i nod again. i know what i want. i don’t know who i am. she says my background was inhuman and inhumane. i nod and smile again. i haven’t smiled this much in weeks.

i tell her i’m glad i got the rehabilitation because i do know what i want and my studies will help me get it but i was scared that if i started therapy while expected to do full time studies i would just fall apart completely. ‘it’s going to be bad,’ i say. it’s going to get worse before it gets better. i push away images of inhuman cruelty that did not happen to me.

‘therapy is very hard,’ she says. ‘but it helps. no one would do it if it didn’t help. it’s too painful… unless they were extreme masochists!’ we both laugh. i have bruises running up my arm from bite marks.

i don’t get home before i break down crying in the park. i lean against a tree and cry. she’s telling me i’m getting real help, actual stability. i’m crying because that’s a mean joke to play on someone. it’s not real. and even if it were, i can’t grasp the concept of stability. i’ve never been able to plan my life more than a month ahead.

and nothing seems real anyway. i’m floating instead of actually stepping on the ground. i didn’t sleep last night and i have just come back from a funeral that reminded me that i have no one to turn to. it’s so warm, and it was still winter in the north. and i’m tired so all the light seems brighter.

nothing is real and i didn’t live through that hell. yesterday i read a sad, sad book and knew that it had to have happened. my denial, my memory working exactly like that. it couldn’t happen. it was too cruel. i couldn’t deny it longer. but today is real. of course it didn’t happen. nothing is real. i whisper old words in my mind, ‘this isn’t happening. this isn’t happening.’ so it didn’t happen. so it could never have happened. it wasn’t real then and it’s not real now.

and i fall apart for no reason, and they’re going to find out, and get mad at me for lying, and take away all my help and i’ll never be able to keep a job because i’m too dramatic and just want attention.

of course that’s not true. i know i couldn’t fake this. i’m too strong anyway. if it didn’t happen i would already have gone so far in life. become a surgeon or something. i’m too smart. too resourceful. too determined and independent and brave. it was something bad that made this. it just didn’t happen to me.

another doctor stared at me before and told me i had a fire inside me she had never seen before. and another doctor told me i had the strongest will he had ever seen. that sounds made up but it happened and i still don’t know what to think of it.

the one who called me strongest liked me so much that it was not at all professional. he told me that i was too self aware for him to be anything but entirely direct. and then he told me i was brilliant and had to go to grad school so my mind wouldn’t be wasted and that i would change the world. ((people who haven’t gotten off their computer in ten years will say it never happened.))

and i am sitting here today knowing that i have written a book that could probably help change the world. and it would also give my soul away, in a sense. it’s brutally raw and there’s not much that i’m hiding—there is some of course, but i would go insane if there wasn’t. and sure i’m brave. but am i that brave?

ever since i was a child i knew that i would always be hated. not because i was at my core entirely hateable but because i was always going to make so many enemies.

i heard their stories and what they wanted for the world, and i was going to make myself their enemy. an evil villain who they could focus some hatred on, get it away from people who didn’t want it. change others’ minds.

that’s not the part i’m scared of. it’s just going to be so hard to hear people who say they want to help csa victims say i survived wrong. coped wrong. got my sexuality wired wrong. and i’m not leaving that out because i know other people kill themselves over this. i’m sick of saying i’m sorry for being raped as an infant and coming out wrong. i’m not sorry.

i’m violent and angry. i’d like to torture him to death. and people say they want to do that for less. if you are stripped entirely of your pride and humanity what do you become?

at least he never broke me

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #241

Do you have any scented candles in your home? What scent(s)? We tend to use wax melts more often, but I do know that Mom has one in the living room right now. I just can't remember the scent, I just recall the color is yellow.

Are you planning any special outings with family or friends? No.

Who were the last 3 males you talked to? Girt, my psychiatrist, Devin.

What was the last form of communication you used to speak to your best friend? (e.g. text, phone call) Discord.

Do you ever wear lipstick? What colour(s) do you prefer? Not really, but whenever I would put lipstick on for a picture, I prefered black.

Does the person you love/like have a car? What colour is it? Yes, black.

The last person you kissed – are they older or younger than you? He's two years older.

One word to describe your most recent ex? Overdramatic is a kinder one.

Do you like snow? I LOVE snow.

Have you ever seen anyone famous in the street? No, you don't see famous people where I live lol.

What was the first tattoo you got or what would be the first tattoo you’ll get? It was a semicolon butterfly.

Have you ever been late for school or work? School, yes, because I was a pain in the absolute ass to get up. It wasn't by much, but still enough for a tardy. Tardies are the only reason I ever had detention.

Is there a basement in your house? If so, what is it used for? No.

Have you driven a car today? No, I don't drive. It gives me crippling anxiety and makes me an unsafe driver.

Where was your first job and how old were you? GameStop, I was probably 19.

When was the last time you started a new medication? Within the past month.

What is your favorite type of nut? I mean, I like cashew bars. I'm in general not really a nut person.

Can you name all 50 US state capital cities? Nope.

When was the last time you were at a pet store? It's been many months.

Where did you go, the last time you left your house? My sister's house to help Mom watch Nicole's dog.

Do you like your singing voice? No. It sounds okay with some songs, but I don't think it does for most.

Do you think that you’ve ever actually been IN love with someone? Twice.

If so, do you still feel the same way about them? Only one.

Have you ever been to an amusement park? Yes.

Name someone you wish you had never met: I kinda wish I'd never met Sara. Jason hurt me more, but I feel like I needed that experience. I needed nothing I went through with Sara.

Why? We tried being friends so many times, and it always ended ugly. She's said unforgivable things about me. She's a massive reason why I doubt myself and my value. My relationship with her just involved a lot of pain.

Do you still seriously make pinky promises? Yes lol.

What’s your favorite aspect of your life? I don't know. I don't exactly enjoy life lately.

What’s something you find utterly disgusting? Pedophilia, for one. I'm wildly disgusted by people who want it to be included in the LGBTQ+ umbrella.

Who is someone you’ve been enjoying watching on YouTube recently? I've been watching a lot of Game Grumps.

Who was the last of your friends to have a baby? I don't remember.

Have you ever contemplated shaving your head, and if so, why? Not entirely, no. I did cut my hair very short though.

Which family member did you get your height from? My mom.

Which TV channel did you watch the most as a kid? Animal Planet if I was watching alone. With my sisters, Disney Channel was normally on.

Do you prefer black tea, herbal tea, or green tea? I hate tea.

What do you think of hypnosis? Do you believe in it? I believe it's bullshit.

Do you think you look better with long hair or short hair? Short.

Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? Yes, for an asthma attack.

Which did you have first: Myspace or Facebook? Myspace.

What color was your nursery when you were a baby? I don't believe I had a nursery. I suppose possibly in the house I was born into, I don't remember it whatsoever, but.

Do you have a rug in your room? Not exactly, the entire floor is carpeted.

Have you ever talked about your period with a guy? Were they okay with it, or grossed out? Only with boyfriends I'd been with for a while, and because I dated mature fucking people, they didn't care.

In-N-Out, ever been there? If not, what’s a good burger place around your town? No. I just go to basic bitch places that everyone has lol. We do have Cook Out here, but I don't think I've tried their burgers, I've been there like twice.

Have you ever been to an Asian (any type) market? If so, what is the closest one to you? No.

How many people have texted you today? Did you reply to all of them? I haven't texted anyone.

How would you feel if your significant other had tattoos? I wouldn't care at all, I know he wants at least one.

Was your last text message from someone of the opposite sex? No.

Where was the last place on your body that you felt physical pain? My back has been bothering me quite a lot lately.

Can your significant other/crush sing? Very well.

Who was the last person you apologized to? What did you apologize for? I don't remember.

Did you straighten your hair today? I never straighten my hair.

Would you spend the night in a haunted house? Yes.

Can you honestly tell the difference between DiGiorno and delivery pizza? Yes.

Can you call your ex without it being awkward? No.

Do you drink bottled water? Not in my daily life. We use a filter and then I drain the water into my own cup.

Honestly, are things going the way you planned? Hell no.

Have you ever given out your number and then regretted it? No.

Your ex REALLY needs you at 3am and you have a way to their house would you go? No, there is no reason my ex would need me specifically.

Does the thought of marriage scare you? No.

Would your parents get mad if you got drunk while they were present? No.

How many teeth have you had extracted? Two, both my only wisdom teeth.

What’s a popular candy that you do not like? Snickers.

Do you ever have to babysit? So, I'm WITH my mom when she babysits my nieces and nephew, but tbh I don't exactly take part in caring for them. I mean, I'll interact, but that's the extent of it. I am not a kid person.

Have you ever lucid dreamed? Once.

Have you ever intentionally killed an animal for fun? Hell fucking no.

Do you like mangoes? So I actually hate mangoes themselves because of texture, but I LOVE the flavor of mango.

Do you enjoy playing board games? I don't.

Have you ever made your boy/girlfriend choose between you and someone else? No.

Have you ever had a lead role in a play? No.

Are you a monogamous person? Or do you hate commitment? I'm personally monogamous, but I have no issue with people who aren't.

Have you ever met someone in person that you first met online? Yes.

Is weed legal in your state? It's not.

Out of all your usernames for websites, which one is your favorite? Do you use it for more than one site? Ozzkat. I use it almost everywhere.

Have you ever spent the whole day (or multiple days) just looking up one thing on the internet (e.g., videos of your favorite band, how-to videos, quizzes, etc.)? Oh ABSOLUTELY.

Which condiment (ketchup, mustard, etc.) do you use the most of? I think ketchup.

Have your parents ever questioned your virginity? Yes.

Is there a certain song you like to headbang to? No, I'm not a headbanger.

Do you own many pairs of shorts? I own no shorts.

Have you ever taken a close-up shot of a flower? Yes, I'm a nature photographer.

When was the last time you sang out loud to yourself? It's been a very long time. I don't sing.

On a hot day, would you prefer ice cream or a popsicle? Ice cream.

Have you played cards recently? No.

Have you ever been to New York? Not the city, but the state. I have family there.

Does your optimism sometimes hurt you? I'm not optimistic, so...

Are you currently saving for anything? I literally don't have a dollar to my name. I don't have a source of income.

Have you ever gotten stitches? A couple times. For my concussion wound and after my cyst removal surgery.

When was the last time you changed your picture on Facebook? Not too terribly long after I dyed my hair lilac.

Would you consider yourself to be physically strong? No.

Have you ever painted a piece of furniture? Yes actually, I helped Jason paint a big dresser-like thing.

Do you have a really fat cat? No, Roman is healthy. He has an obvious primordial pouch like some cats do, but that's normal.

Do your initials spell a word? No.

When was the last time you questioned someone’s intelligence? I was reading the Facebook comments on a video in Paris that showed how extreme homelessness is, and people were so fucking disgusting. Like people CHOOSE homelessness or something and their existence on the streets "dirties" the city. No one SHOULD have to live on the street, but their fucking existence doesn't make the city itself filthy. People have no goddamn empathy.

Have you ever made a business card for yourself? No.

Have you ever had an idea that you just couldn’t put on paper? Oh yes, this is the bane of creatives.

Do you own a pool? No, not like we have the space in our yard. Only a kiddie pool could fit.

Have you ever been severely burned? No.

Did you ever dream that you had a baby? I've oddly had these dreams a lot.

[lunaxstella]

Things I do to cope with my anxiety:

1. When I am put in a stressful situation, specifically when I become the center of attention, I try to find someone familiar and I feel safe with. I will, then, proceed to hold their hand or arms, or even their shirt, in order to ground myself and remind my buzzing brain that nothing is wrong.

2. If the aforementioned is not available, watch me go into a full on panic attack. Just kidding (not), you'll see me fidget a lot. My common fidget would be shaking my leg.

3. I try to remember everything that my psychiatrist, counselors, and psychologist told me to do to prevent panic attacks. One of the things I always hear them say is the breathing technique. The other would be the grounding thingy: find something you can touch, hear, see, taste, and I forgot what else. Basically, find things that will bring your mushy worried brain to earth.

4. After I first experienced having a panic attack while walking the streets because of eye contact with every being I passed, I stopped looking at people's faces, especially their eyes. Every time I walk through a crowded space (even those with a significant amount of people), I focus my vision on the background. That's why even if I know you, I won't really know you're there unless you make yourself known.

I actually loved looking at people's eyes because it tells stories. But, yeah, life.

5. I avoid crowds for obvious reasons. I already had several cases where I had a panic attack in the midst of chaos. Although, I started cruising crowded places again when I took antidepressants and all was good. I'm not sure if that will still be the case right now, since I stopped taking meds for almost a year now.

6. I am currently practicing this so-called nonchalant bull that's been circling around. It's stoicism with a modern touch. I also read articles about the sole idea of stoicism and detachment. Does it work? Sometimes, I guess? I'm an overthinker at birth. It's kind of hard to do.

In cases where I do go on a full on panic attack, I simply do my best to calm myself down. My body would be stiff, so you'll see me trying to massage my hands as hard as I could. You'll also see me crying because my brain is currently on hold to be logical and my body is slowly losing control due to stiffness. A school counselor once told me that one thing that could help stop a panic attack is distraction. It's what she said after I told her that I gradually calmed down after being annoyed with my sister because she took too long to respond when I was asking for help. (Not that it's entirely her fault. We were far away from each other, and I only messaged her because it was hard for me to voice anything out.)

It's a way to get you off your ongoing haywire of thoughts. So, every time someone calls me and they tell me that they're having a panic attack, I try to distract them with anything that I could think of.

Ah, I almost forgot. When I'm out in public, I use headphones. I play loud music in order to cancel out the noise around me. Sometimes, when I get overwhelmed with every little noise, I just put them on with no music played. The important thing is I feel like I'm in my own space. The only time I take them off is when I need to talk to someone or when I walk with someone else. It would be rude if I keep them on, no? More importantly, when I walk with friends or acquaintances, I usually don't need the headphones since my focus is entirely on them. My surroundings are blurry and I'm only attentive to the risks and hazards that may affect them. My friends look out for me because of this reason. I'm not aware of my own risks.

[psychiatricwarfare]

oh, i am So Glad you asked

so my experience with medical professionals has been Incredibly Negative but i want to start this off by acknowledging how lucky i am to have at least two medical professionals that genuinely try their best to help and care for me and i would be lost without them.

now then, i was diagnosed with ADHD and OCD at a very young age, however the doctors failed to inform my parents anything about what this actually means. this, ultimately led to my parents not having any idea of how to properly address my needs as they differed from others. this resulted in trauma from years of being misunderstood by peers, family, neighbours, etc. and had Anyone told me or my parents at any point what ADHD and OCD actually are, i wouldnt be struggling so badly now

when i was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression at 12, i was sent to a therapist who told me to try not taking my antidepressants for a while to see how i feel - something she absolutely Did Not have the authority to do - and to not tell my mom about it. when my mom inevitably found out, she completely ghosted us

at 13 i started getting severe abdominal migraines that kept me out of school for days at a time (this turned out to be stress) and if i did go to school, when i got home i would pass out (something i only found out years later when i learned that you cant remember if youve passed out because your brain blocks out 2 minutes before and after). at the time i thought i was just getting light headed and my vision would go purpley black for a second and stop. since i was home alone during this as well, i didnt have anyone else to tell me i had passed out. so after getting a MRI, my neurologist told me there was nothing wrong, good right? No!!! after switching to a different neurologist i discovered theres a Very Visible cyst on the back of my head pressing against my occipital lobe that could be a serious threat to my vision!!!!! i was supposed to have a follow up MRI that the doctors just never scheduled and it was never brought up again

even the best therapist ive ever had to this day would laugh at me when i brought up how on our First appointment she said it sounds like i have autism and after doing tons of research that i agree and think my dad has it as well (something ive brought up with him and he also agrees which is insane bc he usually disagrees w me on everything). she would laugh at me saying that she never said that and that i dont seem autistic to her at all (despite nothing making sense in my life unless looked at through the lens of me being autistic).

when i got a psychiatrist at age 18 the first thing he did was yell at me for not telling him i had a dissociative disorder i Didn't Know I Had. then proceeded to say to me that all of my struggles i was describing was very clearly autism but he wont diagnose me because "clearly [im] very self aware and intelligent. Autistic people don't realise they're being bullied." he then told me the ONLY way to "cure" depersonalisation-derealisation disorder was to buy this $500 book and go to a nearby clinic that doesnt take insurance. oh he also managed to lose my prescriptions in a database that you supposedly cant delete anything from somehow. he actually said to me, "are you sure i prescribed anything for you?" and i had to show him the bottle with his name printed on it

when i told my therapist about having a dissociative disorder she told me that she knew that already and that we had apparently been working on it for Years and so clearly her treatments arent working if i cant even remember that i Have the disorder in the first place and told me i had to seek therapy somewhere else bc she cant do anything else for me than what shes already tried. this is the best therapist ive ever had and she would not only laugh at me for bringing up that i clearly have autism and dropped me as a client bc i was too severe of a case for her

ive had therapists reject me before we even started because my case is too "severe" for them

now, im dealing with physical issues as well. ive always been a very active kid- gymnastics, dance, cheer, mma, snowboarding, etc. - and i always had this light ache in my legs for as long as i can remember. now, i always thought this was normal but apparently it is Not. the pain started getting exponentially worse in recent months however, resulting in me having to use a cane to walk, ice and stretch my legs frequently, and even collapsing at work and forcing me to have to quit even more recently. i told my doctor and she.. prescribed me vitamin D and norhing else. i tried to keep pressing it and her response was, "try the vitamin D and see if that helps!" it has not. after speaking with my dad's gf who has chronic pain in her legs as well, she showed me that vitamin D can, in some cases, worsen bone pain!!

these are only a few stories i have of the professionals who ive seen being unbelievably Wrong about their supposed "area of expertise" but theyre the ones that i can name off the top of my head! i also strongly urge others to add their own experiences if you want to, positive or negative <3

crazy how every mentally ill/disabled person i know, knows more about psychology than most psychologists i know

absolutely wild how every physically disabled person i know, knows more about them than almost every professional i know

its almost like they should listen to us or something

[free--therapy]

it's anon! thank you for helping, i think I can think about the compulsion and rationalising thing much better now.

I am sort of still confused as to what healthy or proper rationalising but does this work?

like recently I've been kind of remembering worries from 2020 and early 2021 because that's where my anxiety actually started or rather, got out of control due to covid and stuff. i just developed health anxiety on and off which led me to a habit of googling whatever I was worried about or joining forums and such and other stuff like that.

looking back, that googling habit or joining anxiety forums and stuff did give me a few "good" results but overall, it did more harm than good. it helped me in few ways but was also pretty destructive in other ways. but since I had no other way of knowing what was going on iwth me and how to get any help or reassurance, so looking online was the only way for me. i also visited the doctor quite a few times in a span of three months due to my worries about a specific symptom I was having and didn't know what it was. I did see one psychiatrist who said it was health anxiety. this lasted on and off for about six months until i got over it.

however in August 2021, i just randomly looked up something I was worried about and OCD came up which triggered me bad and I started looking at forums and support groups too but only for a month or so. Because after that I got a therapist for a few months who asked me that the forums were doing me more harm with minimal help so it was better to leave. And I did which was a great decision because after that, I never read anything online about any mental health disorder. Which works best for me.

Either way, all i know is it was health anxiety but beyond that, I'm not sure what disorder I had or what it was, etc. So i know assuming it was a symptom of xyz disorder is wrong since I can't say for sure.

These days, those memories are coming back and since I've been worried about OCD, thoughts like "was that googling habit a compulsion?" Or "was that xyz thing you did many times a compulsion?" "So was it OCD or obsessive disorder or any related disorder?" Etc.

But i also know, it's in the past and I can never know for sure. So no matter how many thoughts like "was it OCD? Was it this xyz disorder?" etc. come up, i always rationalise it by telling myself certain things.

So now when i remember it and find myself getting worried, no matter how many times the thoughts pop up, how i rationalise it is by telling myself things like:

"right now I'm worried about specific disorders so my mind is trying to bring up anything that sounds similar to trigger me"

"i don't need to know what it was because it's not going to change anything. it's not like it means I have that disorder again. besides what I do know for sure is it was health anxiety. beyond that, i don't need to guess or assume anything because it doesn't matter"

"it most probably wasn't any of those disorders I'm worried about but either way it's in the past and doesn't matter now"

"whatever it was doesn't affect me in anyway in the present. so whatever it was doesn't matter. I'm just overthinking and i know that in the present, I'm fine."

"right now I'm just anxious after a long time of being okay. so I'm having all sorts of worry thoughts but I know they are not true. and this includes thoughts about the past"

"I'm healthy and okay in the present. i don't need to take these what ifs seriously. I'm okay"

Is this a healthy way of rationalising? Am i doing it right?

Hey Anon, yes, it does look like you're on the right track to combatting these thoughts that keep coming up!

And yes, it's probably the best thing you did by leaving those forums because for the most part people on those kinds of forums are only just feeding each others' anxiety and making it way worse. While the internet can be a tool for good use, it can also be more harmful than good, like your therapist said.

When it comes to rationalizing your thoughts, the idea is to basically tell your mind that everything is okay because when these intrusive thoughts start to happen, your mind has been switched into survival mode and it will say and do everything to keep you out of danger, even if the "danger" is only something that is perceived, such as a thought.

[tavarillasgalen]

I have such bad experiences trying to get mental health treatment.

Like, medical treatment as a whole is WAY too expensive, but this is different. This is people charging you for appointments you cancelled well ahead of time, going back an adding on charging to past appointments and ergo sending your bank account into the red because they charged you without warning, you call them about it, they say it's an insurance thing, except... That's not how insurance works. It doesn't just take money from your account unless you have auto pay on, which I did not. And it has to send you statements with any adjustments or whatever, but that never happened. This has happened to me once before, and I'm concerned it will happen again because I made an appointment just by looking up providers on my insurance without checking reviews first... And the reviews were almost entirely complaints about that. So I cancelled the appointment immediately, but I still had to harrass them for a cancellation confirmation email. They sent it eventually, so now, at least, if they try to charge me, I have that documented proof. But I'm very concerned they're going to try to charge me hundreds of dollars even though I never filled out the registration forms and I cancelled the appointment almost 2 weeks in advance because... That is what people like that do.

I try therapy, and mention I have constant passive suicidal ideation, and the therapist acts like it's an emergency situation, even though I try to emphasize that like... It's Passive not Active. Another therapist tries to force me to do EMDR and will hear of nothing else. Another therapist doesn't believe me when I tell them about some of my traumas. Conversely, another therapist DID believe me... But then pressured me to report the person, even when I repeatedly said I didn't want to do that. The two therapists I actually liked were too expensive to see long term, especially when one of them moved further away.

I try meds and they say you may have to try a bunch before you find the right ones, but like... Some made me worse. Others made me physically ill. Others made me hallucinate. Others gave me horrific eczema. None of them made much of a difference, and definitely nowhere near enough of a difference to justify the side effects. I see yet another psychiatrist and he says to try this drug that is $1000 a month, which.... There's no way I can afford that.

And others still, even with a well-documented history, IN THEIR SYSTEM, which i know because I saw other doctors at the exact same place, claimed that my information wasn't in the system, badgered me about whether or not I REALLY had anxiety and was I SURE I had bipolar, did I have documented PROOF of that, and got angry at me for not being able to remember all the meds I'd been on off the top of my head, consistently claiming I had no records in the system and he couldnt get them from someone else, until I was sobbing in his office. And finally, in the most condescending way, he finally prescribed things I'd already been on and acted like I had a meltdown over nothing. When I KNEW he had access to my records, because i'd seen so many doctors at this place, and ones I'd said nothing of my medical history to asked me if I was still taking things I hadn't taken in years.

And then others still who put the blame on you. If you're anxious, that's stupid, just do it! If you get depressed, just get out in the sun, eat better, exercise! If you're manic, then well... You're just crazy. And like sure, those things can all help a bit, but they're not cures, not for a lot of people. It's not like people choose to have mental illnesses.

It just makes me furious. Sure, there are good mental health providers out there, I know. But I've been trying so hard to find treatment that works for me for nearly a decade, and while there were those two good (expensive!!) therapists and one good doctor who helped with meds but ultimately determined I needed more help than they could give me, it has been overwhelmingly negative. And then you try to talk about it, and people are so condescending. People of the "therapy works for everyone!" group try to tell you you just need to keep looking. People of the "mental illness is fake and attention-seeking, actually" group try to make you feel guilty for even having the problems that you do in the first place and that the only reason why you have them is because you are lazy or whatever.

Like, I manage pretty ok on my own, thankfully. I've had to learn how. But I feel so condescended to about treatment from all sides. And it's like, yes, I want to be better and all this but like... I've tried so fucking hard for so long and if anything, it's just wasted money and made things worse.

[nix-the-night]

1st Section With The Psychologist

Well, a while ago, I went to my new psychologist for the first time. I had never been to a psychologist before (I mean, according to my mother I already go to a psychologist when I was about 5 years old, but I don't remember that, so I guess it doesn't matter), and so I didn't know exactly how it was going to be, but I can say that I was not very disappointed, but let's go by parts.

Upon arriving at the clinic, I had to wait a few minutes, no big deal, it didn't take long and my biggest concern was just that there was a very handsome boy in front of me, I thought maybe my hair was a little messy. Anyway, my psychologist arrived, and I followed her to her office, in the back. Just one thing before we continue: I had met her before, a week ago my mom and I went there, so she could write down on a clipboard the things that made me want to go there. It's a very long list that includes: anxiety, self-harm, self-sabotage, social anxiety, introversion, low self-esteem, constant bouts of anxiety and panic and among many others. Obviously, as the list was very long, and she couldn't write it all down, and I couldn't remember everything in a single session, she told me to bring the things that came to my mind later. That time I went, I had to go with my mother, for her to say a few things about me too and help with her notes. To tell you the truth, I didn't like it very much at first, in this mini section, but now I really changed my mind, after having a real section.

Continuing: after going to her room, we chatted for a bit and I presented some of the other things I had on my list for her to write down, but in this section, instead of me just describing the problem for her to write down, we actually looked at it, which was great. We talked about my issue with my body, which I even shared with you yesterday here. Our conversation was good, I basically said the same things that I said in my post, and in the end I came to my own conclusions, which in this case are that it's better for me to start accepting my body as it is, especially the things that I can't change in him, and also try to change the way I see beauty in general, since a body other than what I previously considered “ideal” can also be beautiful, and I could have that body.

We also talked about my eating issues, which I've been having recently, involving mild binge-eating and at the same time guilt over overeating, something that's been bugging me a bit recently. I talked to her about my memory problems and the fact that sometimes I get so focused on some things that I kind of forget my surroundings, sometimes in dangerous situations, like the time I thought I had been mugged, when in fact I had forgotten that my wallet was in my purse, and I only found out the next day, when I had already canceled my credit card. She told me that this could actually be a problem involving autism called “hyperfocus”, or something, I had read about but never associated with my memory problem. I asked if I had autism, and she told me that: 1) I only had a diagnostic hypothesis of autism, made by my psychiatrist, who is the only one who can make direct diagnoses about my symptoms etc. 2) she was just pointing out a symptom in an isolated case, and 3) that was our first section, so she wouldn't have time to diagnose anything. We continued talking about others of my issues and I will say that she is a great psychologist, she does her job very well, and I think it makes me feel better to tell her things. I told her about my problem with wanting to be better and about the whole thing I talked about in the other post yesterday, about wanting to be better.

She told me a lot of things that really opened my mind about the subject, things that actually seem obvious now but didn't before, and that really made me think twice about what I said. After talking, I came to the conclusion that I don't need to be better than anything or anyone, because one way or another, If I keep living my life always trying to be better, I'll never be satisfied with who I am, and I won't be able to enjoy the journey of becoming a better person, because I'll end up being too focused on the goal, and that would be very harmful to me. Myself. I decided that instead of trying to be better than that girl, or simply better at everything, I should try to learn, over time, to accept myself in the position I am and have, while at the same time trying to fix the problems I have that are really harmful, like my meltdowns, or not being as kind as I wanted to be.

Talking about it really was very enlightening, but it also opened the door for me to think about another subject I wanted to talk to her about: the fact that I couldn't make my brain understand the things I already understood. I'll give you an example: I learned now that I have to accept myself, accept that I don't need to be better than anyone else, I understood that, however I'll keep self-sabotaging and my brain won't understand right away that it needs to stop treating itself so badly just because I'm not as good as my classmate. I asked her what I should do to solve this problem, and she said that, in fact, I expect that soon after I learn something new, I want my brain to completely assimilate everything I've learned automatically is impossible, because you can't just wait for it to happen out of nowhere, it takes time, and patience. Although these things are also obvious, the way she said it made me feel much more like the journey for my brain to assimilate my problems and the solutions for it, is much lighter in a way, much more like a journey that she will help me to follow over time, And this is very good. 

Our time was up before I could talk about some of the other things I had on my list, so I guess we'll just have to save all that for the next section next week, where I plan on talking about: my daddy issues, my suicide thoughts and other minor matters, like my thoughts on some subjects, which I might even share with you later, but recently I've been either too busy or too tired to do anything, so much so that I didn't write this on the day of the session, but a few days later. 

I plan to turn my sessions with the psychologist into a kind of recurring post here, where if I can (and want to) every week I'll post about how my sessions with my new psychologist went. I think it might be an interesting idea.

Oh, and a quick update: I also cut my hair, and it looks really nice now, I just decided to talk about it because maybe it somehow interferes with the way I deal with my body and everything else, and also because my new hairdresser makes me feel much prettier than I really do, and that might also interfere with my self-esteem in some way or whatever… anyway.

Take care.

Goodbye.

[spinklesrealm]

01/04/23

I’m unemployed and without my psychiatrist now so i’m very worried ab this year and what it’ll bring. i’m hoping to get a legit autism/adhd screening and get into behavioral therapy again and actually find someone that works for me and my needs.

i want to stop feeling this way already.

i want to love joe without doubts or fears or trauma interfering with my emotional expression even though that’s hard enough as it is. i hope he isn’t tired of me and i know how dependent i’ve become emotionally with him.

i just keep thinking about her.

it’s embarrassing how much space she holds in my mind when she was seemingly nothing before. there are more and more small things that make me think this is happening again, just not in the workplace this time? i don’t know. i went too far and have too much private/personal information about her. i found pictures of her from around the same time he was leaving me for her and thinking what was it about her? it hurts so bad to remember him saying to me “whenever i walked in her face lit up when she sees me”. why did you want to tell me that? why didn’t you want me coming into your store to see you? why couldn’t you post me anymore? and changing her contact name and telling me she had a boyfriend in utah and family there and that we’d be good friends. you’re a horrible liar. and you think i am too.

why couldn’t you see that light in me, too?

my pure and safe love that i hadn’t experienced is now just tainted and betrayed from us and i don’t know how i can be in that position again. i don’t know how long you’ll stay but i wish it could be forever. i wish i had more friends too, so i’m not so dependent on you and draining your minimal energy on my own issues. i’m using bumble bff again and i am anxious of being judged and being pegged as something weird and other.

i’ve always had this feeling there’s just something inherently wrong with me.

it’s how it always feels like no matter what group of people i’m around. and just losing my job with the state and being treated the way i was was something i hadn’t experienced either and the stress and anxiety and overwhelmingness of it all just make me physically sick. i’d throw up at least once every other week at the minimum. i threw up at work on the night of the midterm election after tracking and uploading the election results from our state’s counties. i was so scared i’d just fuck up again and get those tone and face patti makes when i mess up something (like a human or maybe i wasn’t given enough explanation or questions not answered and instead told to look at the handbook). so fuck you patti. and fuck you fina and kerri and stuart all of you.

in a perfect world i could live off the land and be alone and be with piper and joe and my family and friends. i want to hold my friends close they’re just so far away.