#this is what happens when you give less than 0 fcks

[fangirlshameblog]

Me: North Korea isn't funny and the Haha whacky totalitarianism Western take "serves to buffer and obscure the sheer evil of a regime that enslaves children and sentences entire families to death for crimes of thought" Turkmenistan is equally NOT FUNNY!

Also me: *can't stop watching the Turkmen dictator DJing his New Year's party*

[animeprinces-imagines]

Can I have Starish and Quartet Night headcanons for their S/O who cooks for them but is worst than Natsuki? The guys also see a couple bandaids on their S/O's fingers from how hard they worked to cook the meal?

I hope you enjoy dear nonnie

When their S/O’s cooking is worse than Natsuki’s - STARISH and QN

Natsuki -

?? Could care less??

Loves you

Loves your cooking/baking

Would literally eat it for the rest of his life

Doesn’t give a fck?

Provides you with piyo-chan bandages

Tokiya -

Politely declines your food at first

But feels guilty when he sees how hard you worked

He’d probably try a bite and then be like

“You know, there’s a new restaurant down the street, we should go.”

Would probably offer to help you in the kitchen next time

Helps bandage your fingers

Cecil -

“wooooow y/n you worked so hard.”

Tries it with 0 hesitation

If he truly disliked it, he wouldn’t be mean about it

“What an interesting flavor prince(ss)

Honestly probably doesn’t know how to cook either so like??

“OH MY GOSH Y/N WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HANDS”

Ren -

We’ve seen him try Natsuki’s food

He didn’t mind it

So he wouldn’t mind your cooking either

Another one I can see offering to help you next time

Kisses your fingers

Ok bye

Otoya -

Tries to get out of it

But he loves you, and it makes him so guilty

This boy is whipped

“I-I guess one bite won’t hurt.”

Regret

Also shyly kisses your fingers

Offers to go to cooking class with you

Syo -

LOL BYE

This boy is going to run at first

Then he sees your fingers

And then he turns all sad and guilty omg

‘I must be brave and endure this for them.’

Scolds you for working yourself so hard

Masato -

Another one I can see just kinda shrugging off the taste

Highkey honored you cooked for him??

Would eat it like the polite, good boy he is

Also, scolds you for working yourself so hard

Cooking with Masato becomes a weekend thing

Loves having you in the kitchen with him

Reiji -

Honored you cooked for him

Teases you about your fingers tbh

“Aah, my y/n worked so hard to cook for me.”

Overreacts about the taste

Offers to buy dinner next time

But thanks you for trying so hard

Ai -

??

Can he taste??

??

Would he even care??

“I didn’t know it was supposed to taste like this”

Ranmaru -

This boy wants meat

And if you can make meat

Then he’s happy

But if it isn’t meat

Then you’re going to a restaurant that he can buy meat at

Sorry I don’t make the rules

I’ve never typed meat so many times in my life

Camus -

Dramatic much?

“whAT THE- ARE YOU TRYING TO POISON ME?”

Gets all bitchy

So you’re like

“lmao, bye bitch have fun being an ice hoe by yourself.”

Then he regrets being mean

But he probably won’t admit it

So…. Good luck

[bundeslihaha]

Chapter 12: The Second Conference Call

May 16, 2015. Before Matchday 34, Darmstadt, Karlsruhe, and Kaiserslautern wanted to calm their nerves – what’s a better way to do that than a video conference? (Slightly NSFW.)

Karlsruhe, Baden-Württemberg

22:30

“…Bye, Hertha,” Karlsruher SC ended their three-hour conversation, flashing his girlfriend a last smile, “see you in the Bundesliga next season!”

“I’ll be waiting,” Hertha Berlin crooned, a pale hand caressing her webcam. Karlsruhe imagined her soft touch on his body, the feeling of her by his side sending warmth all over him. Ah, if only she could actually be here, showering each other with love with nothing but their bare skin to separate their souls…

“Hey,” she gently brought him back to reality, “we can do it after the playoff, dear.”

A blush, subtle and pleasant, bloomed on the Badener’s cheeks. “Of course, love, of course.”

“Well, now that’s settled… good night,” she chuckled, her melodious voice only serving to make him miss her more. “Don’t forget to wear some clothes!”

Karlsruhe smirked at her lack of undergarments. “You too, Hertha.”

"Sure, Kalle,” Hertha replied with a wink. “I’m going to disconnect, okay?”

“Me too,” he returned her wink, “Sweet dreams!”

“I’ll be dreaming of your promotion,”

And she went offline.

Karlsruhe sighed, leaning back on his pillows with his laptop half-closed. Talking to her made him feel calm, confident, invincible. Sechzig was desperate to escape relegation, but he had a much better team… and of course, an endless desire to return to where he belonged: in the first tier, going for Europe and meeting his lover on matchdays. As if preventing him from dreaming before he fell asleep, a ‘ping’ cut his train of thoughts.

You have a new message!

The 1894-born club reopened his laptop, expecting a Hertha who didn’t want to sleep, but found this instead:

  WasZumRoteTeufel invited you to a conference call!

WasZumRoteTeufel and lilien98 are online. Accept/decline?

Karlsruhe clicked his tongue in annoyance; the invitation brought back his nerves, the uneasy feeling in his limbs that prompted him to move to a position where his feet dangled off the edge of his bed, so he could, maybe swing them, quickly and both feet at a time, anything to get rid of the anxiety buzzing in his head, whispering ‘fourth place’ and other unthinkable things…

Another ‘ping’.You have a new message!

With the thought of ‘I’ll regret this later’, he read the personal message.

  WasZumRoteTeufel: Yo Karli! You in or not, chicken? :p

KSC_Aufstieg2k15: of course, just haven’t said yes, he typed. Then, he switched to the notifications tab to accept the invitation. But before the webcam was fully loaded, Kaiserslautern had replied,

WasZumRoteTeufel: Well come on! We’re waiting ;)

  With a ghost of a smirk, Karlsruhe moved to the menu he’d opened. Fortunately, it had finished loading, so he put his headphones back on…

Kaiserslautern, Rhineland-Palatinate

22:06

 1. FC Kaiserslautern made sure his wireless headphones were connected to his laptop, a devilish smile adorning his sweaty face... until he felt the heat radiating from his electronic devices turn his innocent summer sweat into cooking oil.

"ARGH!" he groaned, throwing off his damp t-shirt in disgust, "Why the fuck can't the AC be cooler?!"

His landlady's screech could be heard from the door, but the personification didn't give a damn - while Karlsruhe's screen was still loading, Darmstadt was staring dumbly at his abs, he assumed, abs that were broad and muscular and glistening with sweat. His smile widened.

"Hey, 'Lautern," the promotion club called, smiling coyly. "Looking good!”

Kaiserslautern fanned himself with his mousepad. "Thanks, Lilien. Aren't you hot in that, though?" He raised a red eyebrow at her spaghetti strap.

"What kind of 'hot' are you talking about here?" she giggled, propping her face on her knuckles. "If it's that kind of hot, well..." She made a half-smile, half-pout the Red Devils thought only women could do, twirling a strand of her blond hair, "isn't it your expertise as the ruler of hell?"

Lautern laughed, the loud cackle inviting angry knocks from his neighbors. "Of course, my little lily!" He winked, flexing his muscles for her webcam to savor. "How about I take off my pants, too?"

Darmstadt’s face turned redder than his hair.

“I’ll take that as a yes!”

And so, 1. FC Kaiserslautern, Bundesligist-to-be, freed his body of its trappings.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHH!" another voice, usually low-pitched but was now rising to operatic proportions, "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, DUMBASS?!"

The redhead pushed his laptop's monitor towards his lower body parts. A suspicious moan could be heard from Darmstadt's side, but Karlsruhe's (who'd finally finished loading!) made a slamming sound as if he just shut his laptop or punched its keyboard.

"Okay, okay", Lautern snorted, directing his webcam to his face once more, "I know you're Herthasexual, Karli, but can't you at least pretend to enjoy the view?"

The Badener furrowed his thick ass eyebrows, teeth bared like a wild(park) animal. "Get your dick off my screen or I'll do it for you."

"How are you gonna do that, Karli?" Lautern challenged, hands on his hips.

"Easy," Karlsruhe snarled, "I'm gonna cut it off."

Darmstadt’s face turned green, her dinner ready to get out of her body, but the two rivals ignored her.

"And I'm gonna make it slow. And. Painful."

The third-placed club's menacing tone could strike fear in lesser beings, but not the awesome Red Devil, who'd defeated Bayern München as an Aufsteiger years ago and would definitely win against complacent Ingolstadt tomorrow. "How painful could your circumcision be, Karli dearest?" Kaiserslautern asked, zooming into his face as well, "as painful as Hertha's love bites?"

"Shut up," Karlsruhe gritted out, crossing his arms on his chest. "Unlike your beloved Stuggi, Hertha isn't just someone you could fuck."

"Aww, come on, Karli," Lautern retorted with a playful wink, "I'm sure you've slept with Vf-Bae, too."

"When hell freezes over!" the brunette snapped.

"Oh no," Lautern smirked, his sharper-than-human canine glinting in the fluorescent light of his apartment. "Hell isn't going to freeze over, my K-S-C," he said with the speed one would use when talking to a dense three-year-old, "Hell's gonna be a 1. Bundesliga stadium!"

“Never gonna happen!” Karlsruhe booed, and coupled with Darmstadt’s hesitant laughter, he felt that he should’ve been more dramatic – it would’ve stung less!

Darmstadt, Hesse

Thirty minutes earlier…

  "Kaiserslautern?" Arminia Bielefeld said, his face full of envy... and yet, she could see grudging respect. "Really?"

SV Darmstadt 98, poor, timid and newly promoted, looked up at the club she'd narrowly defeated with wide blue eyes. "What's with him?"

"Just you wait," Arminia scoffed, "he's the most annoying and self-centered personification ever. You're gonna wish you weren't promoted!"

Darmstadt had seen his exaggerated description of Lautern as a butthurt expression back then, but now, after a season of being looked down upon and bullied before becoming his and Karlsruhe's third wheel, she thought Bielefeld had been 100% accurate.

“What can a promotion club like you do?” the four-time German champion scoffed, “It’s just dumb luck.”

Sure, Darmstadt’s boys had shut him up with a 3:0 win, but she couldn’t forget how those two had ditched Braunschweig, their fellow ‘cool kid’ who’d long since missed promotion, to mock her.

Had this happened two years ago, when her status as a professional football club was in the brink of collapse, the ‘deadly duo’ would’ve brought her down, but now, all their condescension only incited her burning desire to get to the top.

Getting to the top, she’d learned, took more than ‘dumb luck’ and trained physique. It also took a trained mind, one that could read between the lines and twist every word, every action to her needs…

Even her own. While she never stopped believing in her team, she would act otherwise – in front of Sandhausen, Fortuna or Soda, she would put on a cool smile, even bluff when needed, but before KSC and FCK… she would be shy and insecure, only a little hopeful, and completely astounded when she won. All that only made them less and less guarded with her – so now, before she claimed the coveted second place, she’d put on a last show.

  Welcome, lilien98!

Notifications:

WasZumRoteTeufel updated his status: (photo) – ONE MORE MATCHDAY TO AUFSTIEG!

  Her reflexes brought her to the photo he’d uploaded. It was typical Lautern – he looked incredibly silly (as usual), with the darkish lighting, how it added sharpness to his features, his shirtless display, and then the glimmer of FCK’s red logo in his background…

Seriously, the whole club had a flair for dramatics. Sometimes Darmstadt wished she could do that, but compared to K-town, she had more limited financial (or graphic design) power. But that’s okay. She could stand being the bullied for this last matchday.

Ping!

Darmstadt went back to her notifs tab, and unsurprisingly, it was the Red Devils again.

  WasZumRoteTeufel invited you to a conference call. Accept/decline?

  Her answer was clear as day.

Karlsruhe, Baden-Württemberg

Present time

 “Never gonna happen!” Karlsruher SC snorted, Darmstadt joining in with a reserved laugh. “Besides, I’m the one who’s gonna steamroll Sechzig tomorrow.”

“Ah-ah-ah,” Lautern wagged a finger in front of the webcam. “No can do. My girlfriend’s gonna be desperate for Klassenerhalt, you won’t have time to score at all! And St. Pauli’s seconds away from relegation, too, so you’re not gonna have it easy either, Lilien.”

“I know,” Darmstadt mumbled, something like resignation shadowing her features, “but I’ll do my best…”

Karlsruhe rolled his eyes, wishing she weren’t so pathetic. Someone with a mentality like Darmstadt was not Bundesliga material. Well, all the better for his boys.

“’Do my best’? Puh-leeze,” Lautern scoffed, “If you’re promoted, I’ll run around Kaiserslautern naked.”

A mental image of his rival running around his city with the same clothes he was (not) wearing at the moment suddenly gave him a brilliant idea. “Oi, Lautern!”

“What, Karli?”

“If I get promoted,” the Badener said, “you have to run around Karlsruhe too!” He paused for a moment to think of a better punishment. “Oh, and sing my songs, please. Tell my city you’re happy I’m back to big time!”

Lautern doubled over in laughter. “Ha! Then you gotta sing my songs too… with my crest on your back!”

“Challenge accepted,” Karlsruhe replied. “As for you, Darmstadt…”

“Please, don’t make it too hard!” she begged with puppy eyes, “I don’t want to get naked!”

Karlsruhe racked his brain for something, something hard but not that embarrassing for the small club. “Fine, but you gotta treat me and Hertha on every date. Fair enough?”

“Yeah,” the blonde nodded, “Thanks, Karlsruhe.”

A silent two seconds passed.

“Oh, sorry, Lili dear, I almost forgot you!” the fourth-placed club (who would definitely stay there; Karlsruhe preferred Die Lilien for third, her team deserved at least that) exclaimed. “Here goes. If I’m promoted, you have to pay my bills for the next Hinrunde!”

Darmstadt gulped. “I…” She swallowed her saliva again, scratching her sweaty head, “I… Okay. I’ll use the salary from my side jobs.”

Side jobs, not side job, like the one Karlsruhe had. Like most personifications had. Doesn’t that son of a bitch have a fucking heart? But a bet was a bet, and she’d agreed. Besides, that asshole wouldn’t get promoted if he could help it!

“Anyway,” the Hessian said, recovering more quickly than ever, “since you two have placed your bets, isn’t it my turn?”

Kaiserslautern beat him to replying. “Oh, yes, dear Lili, what’s your bet?”

“Weeeeell,” Darmstadt smiled sweetly, batting her eyelashes, “If I end my 33-year-long wait…”

“Yeeeeeees?” the two rivals said in unison (and shooting each other dirty looks afterwards).

“Y’all have to do what you told each other,” she commanded, her blue eyes twinkling, “so you, Karli,” her lips twisted into a feral smirk, much like what the former Eurofighter saw so often in the redhead in their conference call, “kindly run around Karlsruhe, wear nothing but my flag, sing my songs, and shave those goddamned eyebrows of yours!”

Karlsruhe’s jaw dropped. He’d never imagined she would say that last part. Words had completely left him; with hands feeling his thick, dark eyebrows for what might be the last time, he watched horrible, horrible things playing in his head – like an outraged Hertha BSC – and he groaned.

On the other side of the screen, 1. FC Kaiserslautern had turned from a powerful ruler of hell into… well, a ruler of hell nervously biting his fingernails.

“And you, Lautern,” Darmstadt continued, “Since running is good for your beautiful muscles, you can run around Karlsruhe and Darmstadt, too. Wär das wunderschön?”

For a moment, it might seem like K-Town would mirror Karlsruhe’s reaction, but he only laughed maniacally. “Never, you mortals!”

“Let’s see about that!” Darmstadt boasted. “Worst of luck, guys!”

“You too!” the two boys chorused, ending the conference call with middle fingers and burning anticipation for tomorrow.

Kaiserslautern, Rhineland-Palatinate

May 17, 2015

 Fourth, the 1900-born Traditionsverein lamented as he trudged along the emergency stairs to his apartment, sweat (hell no, he wasn’t crying at all!) inexplicably coming out of his eyes, I finished fourth AGAIN.

By the time he arrived at his floor, he dropped to his knees, ignoring the sharp pain the hard floor sent the tired limbs and screamed to the ceiling: “FUCK YOU, INGOLSTADT!”

His voice was loud and hoarse, prompting all-too-familiar nags from downstairs, but he had no more fucks to give. “AND FUCK YOU TOO, DARMSTADT!” he raised a clenched fist and swung it like a bat, hoping the football gods would hear him from their hated heaven, “I HOPE YOU GET RELEGATED NEXT SEASON!”

Unfortunately, the voice of his landlady from right behind him put an end to his prayers. “Lautern, please! I have newcomers here!”

He turned his head to her direction, preparing himself for a long dressing down… but then, she pulled him into a tight hug. Her long, frizzy hair brushed on his face as she wept, wetting his damp shoulder, furious and disappointed and shaking uncontrollably, and he remembered-

She'd been at Fritz-Walter-Stadion. Watching the boys play. She’d worn the orange jersey he so hated, two scarves around her neck. She’d joined in the choreo, too, and she had cheered, chanted, cried-

 “I’m sorry!” Kaiserslautern choked, letting his tears wet his cheeks as he tightened his grip, nails digging into her scarf (her symbol of support, of love and faith for him and only him but what have I done?), “Fuck, I screwed up-” More sobs racked his body and oh god, the pain, the pain of his faithful fans and his own, he didn't care if she found out his real identity, he was just- “I’m so, so sorry…”

Karlsruhe, Baden-Württemberg

The same evening…

 “It’s not the end, Karlsruhe,” Markus Kauczinski said the umpteenth time, wrongly mistaking his personification’s jitters for something other than the prospects of running around the city with his dick exposed and his eyebrows gone, “there’s still a chance.”

“It’s not that!” Karlsruher SC half-snapped, fed up with the pep talk, “I just…” He looked away, feeling heat rise up to his cheeks. “God, you’d kill me for this.”

“For what?” the manager inquired, blue eyes narrowing behind his spectacles.

He shook his head. “I have to go home.”

Thankfully, Kaucze didn’t push the issue. “Get some rest.”

“I will,” Karlsruhe replied with a nod. “See you tomorrow, Coach.”

The moment he stepped out of Wildparkstadion’s dressing room, he turned his cellphone back on, the gears in his mind turning for his own dignity. No one had said ‘automatically promoted’ when they were betting… so what if I win the playoff?

The thought of returning to the first tier brought a grin to his face, and so, he logged in without hesitation.

 END

Bonus Scene

 Karlsruher SC ran to the training field, every pant a wish that he wouldn't mar his five-year record of punctuality...

But it was no use. He swore under his breath upon his arrival. Everyone was warming up now, leaving him completely exposed to his head coach (who, strangely, didn't bring a weapon to kill him.)

"Uh..." He laughed sheepishly. "Sorry, I-"

"First things first, Karlsruhe," Kauczinski said, hands crossed over his chest, "What happened to your eyebrows?"