#this is the boulder of Sisyphus I think
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Expecting a package today. Have been waiting since morning. Get a knock on my door. I look and see no one. ?? I think. I look both sides and see the postman walking away. Oh well, I think. He’ll probably circle back and knock again. I see the postcar driving away. Oh no, I think and my fears are confirmed. My email inbox says my package has been taken to a pick up point. Sorry! We've just missed you! Shipping cost 5 euros to deliver to my door
#there are no words to describe my endless and immeasurable fury and misery#this is the boulder of Sisyphus I think#taro speaks#what is this fresh hell I’ve learned of#what is this terrible new experience#MISSED ME ???? YOU KNOCKED ONCE AND THEN IMMEDIATELY LEFT BRUH
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no “both” option as that is for cowards. you will need to justify your answer with a short form essay
#I do think the environmental factors make the stories different enough to pit against one another#I’m an itsy bitsy spider defender myself#both are doing a torturous full body workout all day but sisyphus can just step out of the way when the boulder falls#he gets some reprieve walking back down#meanwhile every night itsy bitsy spider has to drown as well#you don’t see sisyphus getting washed out by the rain now do you.#sanders pollshit
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"I don't care how much you hate me - you need to eat!"
DickTim during Bruce's Lost In Time phase but with Dick stopping Tim from leaving💕
send a quote and a ship and I'll write a short fic!
fucked up DickTim during Bruce's lost in time era my beloved. this is 2k of *very* dead dove DickTim, with one-sided feelings from Dick and unreliable narrator vibes. it is a smidge OOC, just bc of how dark Dick gets, but i think i kept it best i could. enjoy <3
It wasn’t supposed to go this far.
Dick thought he was doing this to honor Bruce. The last thing Bruce would’ve wanted was to see Tim drive himself over the edge and go too far, all for a fruitless chase to bring Bruce back from the dead. And sure, maybe deep down Dick knew he reflected some of Bruce’s worst traits. The obsessive control. The worrying to the point of being overbearing.
It came with the capes and spandex territory. Especially now that Dick had decided to man up and put on that damned cowl.
But even at Bruce’s worst, Dick was pretty sure he wouldn’t dare go this far.
Dick knew it was wrong. What he didn’t know was why he couldn’t stop himself. Why the gnawing guilt was so easy to compartmentalize and why every good point Tim had got ignored by Dick’s logical side, brushed off by one simple mantra.
He was doing this for Tim’s own good.
All of this was to protect Tim from doing something he would regret.
Dick had done brain scans, had Tim magically checked up, and even managed to get him to properly talk to a psychiatrist. Everything came back normal. Tim was perfectly healthy.
So maybe this was something that had always been a part of Tim. Maybe it was a bad idea for any of them to have let Tim into the vigilante world so young.
Some people could handle it. Some people couldn’t. Dick had seen firsthand how it broke minds and ruined lives. He’d seen people turn to drugs, cults, murder, and god knew what else just to try to cope with it.
That didn’t make Tim weak. Tim Drake was the furthest thing from weak, and Dick would fight anyone on that.
This was just a hard life to cope with. Sometimes, people needed support through the worst of it.
That’s what Dick was doing.
Giving support.
“I don’t care how much you hate me- you need to eat!” Dick stepped back, dodging Tim’s attempt to kick his feet out. The bowl of salad Dick had set next to Tim was completely ignored.
Dick had learned not to give Tim hot food after Tim flung potato soup at his head the first time, chunks of potato stuck to his hair.
Tim’s scowl was lethal. Technically, he wasn’t restrained. He could move freely around the manor and do whatever he wanted.
It was the shock collar that kept him from leaving the grounds or breaking into the Batcave.
Dick had decided that would be the most humane way. The shock was only momentarily painful, it was designed to knock Tim unconscious if he tried to get somewhere he wasn’t supposed to. The collar had taken three tries before Dick found a lock Tim couldn’t pick, and a few more unfortunate incidents of Tim finding weak spots in the barrier.
But Dick always found Tim and brought him back home.
That was what was important.
The fact Tim kept trying to break out and go to god knew where on some fruitless quest to find a dead man made Dick more secure about this decision.
He was doing this to protect Tim. Once Tim worked through the worst of his grief, all this would be in the past. Something they would laugh at.
Hopefully.
It was like one of Tim’s contingency plans. Really, he of all people should understand.
But he didn’t. Which was what hurt Dick the most, the angry look in Tim’s eyes and the way his fists clenched when Dick came into Tim’s room. Tim had access to the whole manor, but he stuck mostly to his room, refusing to talk to anyone.
Especially Dick.
And now, it seemed, his latest tactic was a hunger strike.
“I’ll let you look over the burglary case we’re working on,” Dick offered. “I’ll bring you all the files and your computer if you just…” he gestured to the salad, “eat something.”
That had worked, in the beginning. Dick could coax good behavior out of Tim by offering to let Tim help with whatever case Dick was facing. It took a load off of Dick’s back and gave Tim something to focus on.
Of course, Dick couldn’t leave Tim’s computer with him. The first time Dick did that, Tim managed to break all of the firewalls and safeties put on it to start a case file about Bruce. Dick had to delete everything and only allow Tim monitored access from that point on.
After that, Tim really didn’t like Dick.
“Can’t you just go back to ignoring me?” Tim snapped. He sounded… resigned. Emotionless in a way he hadn’t been, like all the fight he’d been putting up for weeks was finally going out.
“Ignoring you?” Dick frowned. He felt like he’d been punched in the gut at the words. He kept a wide berth from Tim, wary of more punches being thrown, and decided to sit at Tim’s desk chair, a good few feet from where Tim was on his bed. “What makes you think I’m ignoring you?”
Tim scoffed and rolled his eyes. “You only talk to me to ask if I’ve dropped the Bruce thing yet, or to try to force self-care on me. The rest of the time you ignore me so you don’t have to face your own guilt.”
Dick violently shook his head. “That’s not-” he sighed, running a hand over his face- “I’m just busy, I promise. Between being Batman, managing Bruce’s estate, and trying to handle Damian, I just…” his voice trailed off. So many things to balance. He still didn’t know how Bruce managed it all. “I haven’t made enough time for you. I’m sorry.”
He decided to take on the burden of helping Tim. It was his responsibility and Tim was right, Dick was doing a piss poor job of taking care of him.
No wonder he pushed away Dick’s attempts to reconcile. It must’ve come across as half-assed, in Tim’s eyes.
Dick wished Bruce was here. He would’ve known the right way to handle this.
“Don’t start now,” Tim said icily. He picked up a book from his nightstand and opened it, pointedly not looking at Dick anymore. “Just leave me alone.”
“Will you eat first?” Dick asked. “If you just eat, I’ll go. I promise.”
With a loud sigh, Tim snapped his book shut. He picked up the salad Dick brought and shoveled down mouthfuls, all while glaring at Dick. Once the bowl was empty he set it back down and spread his hands, waiting.
Dick didn’t leave.
He wasn’t going to abandon Tim.
Dick stood up and Tim relaxed for just a moment before he realized Dick was walking toward Tim’s bed instead of the door. Slowly, like he was approaching a wild animal, Dick crept forward. He chose to sit on the foot of the bed, still far enough away from Tim to give him personal space.
“Tim-”
“Out. Now. You promised.”
Dick ran his fingers through his hair. “I know, but-”
“What do you want from me?” Tim almost yelled the words. “Do you want me to just say I don’t believe Bruce is alive? Will you finally leave me alone, then?”
“Can you say it under a truth serum?”
Tim went quiet, grinding his jaw.
“I want you to get better,” Dick sighed.
“What happens when I get better, then?” Tim challenged. He moved to sit cross-legged on the bed. So close to Dick that Dick could reach out and touch him, but emotionally, they were miles apart and it hurt Dick’s chest. “You ‘fix me’-” he put finger quotes around the words- “to your liking, then set me free?”
“Don’t talk about yourself like you’re an animal.” Dick frowned, fist clenching at the idea Tim thought of himself that way.
Tim just stared at him. “Then don’t treat me like one.” He raised a hand and tapped the collar.
It looked like it had new scratch marks on it.
“That’s not what I’m doing,” Dick said. He tried to find the words. It was so hard to explain it when Tim wasn’t listening to him. He wasn’t even given a chance. Dick tried to reach out. For once, Tim didn’t pull away. He was completely rigid under Dick’s touch, though. His hand rested on Tim’s arm, thumb stroking back and forth. “You know I’m doing this because… because I’m worried about you. And I care, Tim.”
“No you don’t,” Tim leaned away from Dick, but didn’t pull his arm free. “Whatever version of me exists in your head-”
“Tim-”
“-isn’t real,” Tim ignored him and kept going. “You won’t even listen to my theory-”
“Tim!” Dick tightened his grip, ignoring the small wince of pain that came out of Tim. “I’m not entertaining that kind of talk.” He tried to be firm but loving with his tone. But even Dick could hear the anger and frustration that was bleeding off of him. “This is practically self harm.”
“I know I’m right,” Tim mumbled. He wouldn’t look at Dick. “Will you just leave, now?”
Against his better judgment, Dick stood up. He had to patrol soon. “I’m sorry. We’ll talk after-”
“I’m going to sleep,” Tim snapped. “No, we won’t.”
Dick tried to throw his hands up in frustration, but he was still holding onto Tim’s arm.
He didn’t want to let go.
He knew Tim was waiting for him to let go, but Dick couldn’t force his fingers to release. He just stared for a moment, breathing hard.
Dick was doing this out of love.
And now, he loved Tim too much to want to let go of him.
Did he have to patrol tonight? He was pretty sure the Birds of Prey were in Gotham.
“Dick,” Tim said carefully, starting to scoot away from him. The apprehension in his voice was unsteady, eyes narrowed. He was always too on edge. “I’m tired. Just go on patrol.”
Instead of letting go, Dick lifted his other hand and held Tim’s face. Tim flinched but stopped inching away. He was completely still, barely even breathing.
He looked afraid of Dick.
Dick’s chest clenched. He wished he could get Tim to understand. Dick leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Tim’s forehead.
He wanted to kiss somewhere else, somewhere a few inches lower and just as unobtainable. That was a feeling Dick buried deep, deep inside of him.
It wasn’t why he was doing this.
A hand pressed against Dick’s chest. Trying to push Dick away, but for just a moment, the pressure and warmth almost made Dick shudder. Tim hadn’t properly trained in a while.
He wasn’t actually strong enough to push Dick off of him. If Dick wanted to, Tim couldn’t have stopped him.
But their relationship was already fractured. It would take a long time of repairing and letting Tim heal before Dick could even try pursuing those feelings.
Tim had once had a childhood crush on Dick, though. So he was pretty sure they could work their way up to it, be something more.
Dick pulled away. He let go of Tim’s arm and allowed himself one stroke of Tim’s hair. It was getting a little long, brushing against Tim’s shoulders.
The entire time, Tim remained perfectly still. But his eyes got wider and wider, the way they always did when he had just figured out a case.
Dick was getting too close. He needed to pull back.
“You still have the spare comm link?” Dick asked.
Tim didn’t answer. He just kept staring with those wide, searching eyes. He looked a little pale. Dick should get him some iron supplements, Tim becoming anemic is the last thing Dick wanted.
“Use it if you need me for anything,” Dick continued. He gave Tim what he hoped was a calming smile. “Get some sleep, Tim. I love you.”
He turned and walked out of Tim’s room. Slowed to crawl at a snail’s pace, hoping for an answer from Tim. He would take any kind of answer.
But Tim kept silent, even as Dick took his time intentionally, slowly closing the door. Dick just sighed, turning down the hall to head down to the Batcave.
Someday, he’d get through to Tim. Dick would find a way.
Someday soon.
#necrotic writings#dicktim#tim drake x dick grayson#batcest#dead dove do not eat#whump#this one got iffy at the end i won't lie#and it's bc a person reached out for a difficult conversation as i was writing this#that. emotionally heavily mirrors this fic lmao#so i was in a very tim position#and i think. it fucked with the fic a bit. oops#but many thanks to my partner for editing it for me.#they helped me keep the unreliable delusional narrator vibes with dick#while hopefully conveying tim's feelings correctly too#bc it is implied that tim realizes dick's feelings in the moment and is horrified#knowign that's the real reason dick is keeping him#and dick just won't acknowledge that#so. it's so fun and messy.#i had a lot of fun with this one <3#slowly but surely#i unbury my askbox hehehe#it's like a sisyphean task but i'm having FUN#if sisyphus was in love with his boulder core.
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@sanusoweek sanuso week day 3 : firsts ........ 🤭
#sanusoweek#SSSOOOORRRYYYYY.#i love drawing ummm. rlly gender sanji.#this prompt was hellish af coz i couldnt think of anything#Sorry abt this.#im like sisyphus except if the boulder was makin art of gay bitches#one piece#oooouhhh. its so bad. im obsessed w dem#i wish i were usopp.#😞😞🙏🙏🙏 new day new artwork#IM GONNA PUSH THRU THA REST OF THE WEEK#SWEARSIES!!!#artists on tumblr#op#art#fanart#usopp#sanji#black leg sanji#ugh......i...im gonna be sick...!😞😞😞😞#I LOVE THEM SOOOOOO BAD.#small artist#one piece fanart#fujidraws
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top ten mulder moments <3
DREAM ASSIGNMENT, UNHINGING MY JAW, ETC. buckle up babes!
1/ oubliette
all of oubliette really but there’s this one moment where he’s in the police station and he’s watching the video of lucy when she was 13 after escaping her kidnapper and she’s writhing around on the floor screaming and she can barely speak full sentences and she’s afraid of the light. and in the present day, she’s an addict living in a halfway house with convictions for drug possession and prostitution.
and he’s watching this tape and scully comes in and he says “it’s amazing she’s gotten anywhere in life” and scully says “by most yardsticks, she hasn’t.”
she has, though. she’s alive and she’s trying and she’s clean and passing her drug tests and she has a job. and that’s how he sees her, and that’s how he treats her throughout the episode. he tells her that she’s “the strong one” and he asks for her help and her opinion, he tells her that he just wants to know what she’s going through. he defends her to law enforcement and believes her when everyone else thinks she’s an accomplice. he weeps over her body when she dies, grieves the loss of her life.
it would be easy for him, as someone whose sister was kidnapped at the same age lucy was, to see her as a nightmare. she’s struggling and she’s traumatized and she’s an addict and a felon. but he doesn’t, he views her as hopeful, and you can tell that he respects her. he views her as having gotten somewhere in life, just because she’s still alive. and that more than anything really means a lot to me.
2/ paper hearts
in paper hearts when they find the 15th victim’s body and they think it’s samantha. and he’s standing there over it, shaking, looking down at what might be his baby sister’s corpse. what might be the end of the road.
and it might all be over, in this moment. he might not be able to search anymore, to hope anymore, to do the only thing he’s ever done every day for 24 years anymore.
and you just feel the crushing weight of it all, and then scully comes in with the lab results and says that it isn’t her. and he just buckles for a moment and takes a breath.
before standing up and saying, “it’s somebody though.”
it’s such a testament to his character to me, that he can’t sit in that relief for even a minute. it might not be his baby sister, but it’s somebody, and he grieves for them.
(not “somebody’s sister/daughter,” but somebody)
3/ one breath
the shot of him crying on the floor of his ransacked apartment.
he was offered a choice between staying there, waiting to see the bad guys, finding the only thing he’s ever wanted, the answers…and going to sit by scully’s hospital bed, when it might be the end.
and he left that apartment and held her hand.
as moving as that scene is, it’s the aftermath that always gets me. it’s the consequences. it’s the price that you pay for choosing to stay soft, the way that mr. x looks at him in this same episode and tells him that he’ll never win, he doesn’t have the heart.
so he walks away from the battle and comes back to the wreckage, and all he can do is sit down on the floor and weep.
(also if i think even a little about him giving scully the superstars of the super bowl tape, i’ll literally make myself ill crying)
4/ sein und zeit
when, after spending the entire episode obsessively insisting to everyone who will listen that the missing little girl is “not dead,” he says that they should just go home.
that they are not going to find those people’s daughter alive, that he is too close to this case to make a sound judgement, and that he wants to take some time away from work.
seven years after scully chased him into the street and yelled for him to “stop running after” samantha, and a day after she followed him into a hallway to tell him to not go looking for something he doesn’t want to find, the person whose “relentlessness” has kept him searching for nearly 30 years, just wants to go home.
he’s depended for so many years on the delusion, on the hope, on the belief that every child to go missing from their home is “not dead.” and now he stares at the ground in front of two people who love him, and admits to being wrong. to needing a break.
it’s one of the saddest moments of the series to me, but there is such an acceptance in admitting defeat, and it’s a subtle precursor to his decision in the following episode that he’s ready to know the truth about what happened to samantha. the delusion isn’t helping anyone. not him, not samantha, not this missing little girl. and it’s devastating and freeing at the same time.
5/ je souhaite
his genie wish. i have the softest spot in my heart for je souhaite mulder okay!! this is the mulder that called the jersey devil “beautiful” and ran through the woods to try to save it. the mulder that couldn’t bear to add to the soul eater monster’s suffering, even when it would’ve saved his own life.
i love that the first thing he does is ask the genie what she would wish for, just because he wants to know. and you can see how much 500 years of being a slave to people’s selfish desires has weighed on her, in the way she tells him that she would just want her days to be her own. to sit and have a cup of coffee.
i love that he tries to win at the genie wish, to save the world. tries to construct the perfect wording and all-encompassing fool-proof plan. throws around words like ending “tyranny.” and in the end, just deletes it all, and wishes for the genie to be free. that ending shot of her, finally her own person for the first time in 500 years, sitting having a cup of coffee, is one of my favorite moments of the series.
i love the lesson in this episode too, for someone who spends his whole life trying to make up for the fact that he lived when his sister didn’t, that he doesn’t have to figure out how to save the entire world. he can call his best friend and sit on his couch and watch caddyshack. but he asks the genie what she would wish for, because he genuinely cares, and he chooses to use his wish to give it to her, because he can do that.
6/ pilot
these tags: “this man is overflowing with reverent tenderness.”
the Moment™️ in his motel room…this is when you can see it. this is when both scully and the audience understand something. this is when it’s all over.
they’ve both been kind of concealing so much, behind sarcasm or professionalism. they really like each other. they want to trust each other. but she was sent to spy on him, to debunk him, and neither of them have any reason to believe it’ll be more than that.
when the power goes out and scully feels the marks on her back, she is just so scared. she is so young, and this is her first job, and she’s becoming exposed to things that she had never considered. when she walks into mulder’s motel room in only her robe, and then drops it, she’s afraid, and also acutely aware of her own vulnerability.
the way the camera hangs on his face (he’s the focus, not her exposure, what is he seeing?), in the candlelight, as she exposes her body to him and he just checks to make sure she’s okay.
what he’s seeing is her vulnerability, and he responds by both sheltering and matching it; he wraps her up and gives her the bed, sits below her on the floor. he tells her about sam. he tells her about what “matters” to him. and it isn’t something that he tells people, but anxiously walking mostly-naked into the room of your new assignment isn’t something that she does either, and he understands that.
it’s 2 episodes later in squeeze when scully makes her decision, she’s “on the side of the victim,” on the side of the vulnerable. but it’s a motel room in bellefleur where she learns what that side is, where that work is being done.
(related, conduit: the way that he shuts scully's concerns about him down, then validates them quietly, when they're alone. tells her what his life actually is. that it's "walking into that room," every day, feeling like maybe one day he'll open his eyes and his sister would be there. you really get the sense that he's never told anyone that before, but that it's something he turns over in his mind, something he's always aware of. he's saying: you're right, this is what i do, but i don't know how to do anything different. how am i meant to do anything different? it has always been this way. and it's the only thing that you need to hear him say to really get it. it's the only thing that scully needed to hear him say. this is the most vulnerable revelation that he ever makes, a month into their partnership. she never forgets it.)
7/ anasazi
just a little moment that i think about a lot is the way that after mulder sees his dad in colony and tries to hug him, and gets cut off with a handshake, the next time that he sees bill, in anasazi, he reaches out to shake his hand.
he notices everything, he internalizes everything, he only wants to give what he understands as wanted from him.
he knows that his dad does not want to hug him, and he still reaches to him first, offers that connection that bill is comfortable with.
(it always makes me think of the first time he met jackson. the way that the first thing he did after “my name is mulder, i’m your father. i know it must seem strange to you.” was hug him… “became a father while i was still a son,” or whatever the national said.)
8/ emily
you guys. you guys 🥺. this whole episode just really gets me so bad. the way emily is “shy” and doesn’t speak or really look at anyone, and the only time we see her smile is when mulder makes her laugh, as soon as she met him. him yelling at the doctor (i love that the show, through mulder, actually says the term “medical rapists.” like yes let’s call it what it fucking is!) and saying he wants everything that could help her. when emily's sick, and mulder instantly picks her up to hold her.
but the moment to me, the one that stays with me, is the very end. it's the funeral. it's when all is said and done. and scully asks...who could do this? who could bring a life into this world whose only purpose is to die? and mulder answers, "i don't know. but that you found her, and had a chance to love her...maybe she was meant for that too."
he looks at a person who was created to be used for other's gain, literally manufactured intentionally to suffer and then die, and he believes...maybe that's not all that she was meant for. maybe she was still meant to be known, to be found, to be loved. and they did love her.
(the way he shows up late to the funeral, but scully knows he's coming to get her, tells her mom she's going to ride back with him. the way he turns away from the casket, never able to look loss in the eye, but turns back so scully isn't in it alone. the way he brings flowers, like he brought flowers to the hospital when scully was diagnosed, like he stopped to bring flowers to missy's grave.)
9/ beyond the sea + lazarus
my father is dead (long live my father!)
y’all ever think about how sparingly and intentionally mulder says “dana”? y’all ever think about how she’d only ever been “scully,” to him, until “how are you, dana?” the day of her father’s funeral? the way she looked up at him, as he gently touched her cheek.
the first thing that scully does after her father dies, is tell mulder that she believes in a psychic. (“i thought that you would be pleased that i opened myself to extreme possibilities”).
the first thing that mulder does is sit down, lower himself beneath her, (he has done this since the motel room in bellefleur, the day they met), and look up to her to ask: “does this have to do with your father? you said that he didn't approve of you becoming an FBI agent. now, if being on the job now makes you feel guilty or uncomfortable or uneasy, i think you should back away. because if it’s clouding your judgment, you’re putting yourself in danger.”
(he is always listening, he is always more aware than people think. he perceives her attempts to “please” him as dangerous, or uncomfortable for her. encourages her to step back.)
when she starts to cry and walks across the room, she’s dana again. she’s not her father’s “starbuck,” she’s not mulder’s “scully.”
“dana…open yourself up to extreme possibilities, only when they’re the truth.”
in lazarus, it’s only 2 episodes later (2 episodes after “i’m afraid to believe”) when jack willis dies. (“along the way, there are other fathers.”)
mulder spent that whole fucking episode doing his lil tricks and tips and pulling out his lil experts trying to convince her that jack had been body-swapped, including the story about watches stopping at time of death. when jack dies, and all that’s left is the watch she had given him, stopped at the same time as his heart, she looks up to mulder for answers so softly.
and his response: “it means…it means whatever you want it to mean. goodnight.”
he spends his life begging for belief, but never at the cost of her integrity, her peace. he cannot be “pleased” by a forgoing of self, a forgoing of what she’s ready for.
(looking at this now, it also reminds me of irresistible, and the way that he told her that it’s understandable to be upset, to be affected. “i’ve seen agents with 20 years fall apart on cases like this.” it’s not because she’s young, it’s not because she’s inexperienced, it’s not because she’s traumatized. it’s because she’s human. and it’s good, it’s right.)
10/ redux ii
my favorite moment of this episode is when scully sees mulder through the window of her hospital room for the first time, and he plasters that smile on his face, comes in to sit on the bed and hold her hand and kiss her cheek. and she keeps trying to ask him about the conspiracy, about what happened at the pentagon, about who the inside man at the FBI is, and he just keeps quietly telling her that he's not there to talk about that. and she keeps pushing questions until he leans in to her and smiles and says... "hey, scully, how 'bout those yankees?"
hey, scully, it's not about that. for as many years as he's gone doing nothing but obsessing over conspiracies to anyone who will listen, he isn't there to talk about conspiracies. he's there to hold her hand, to keep that smile on his face so maybe she won't worry, to break down by her bedside as soon as she's asleep. he just wants to spend time with her. in reduxes, they aren't ahab and starbuck. they aren't charging forward or dutifully shepherding on. they're buckling in hallways. they're clinging to a hand through tears.
there is just no room: for their roles, for their pretenses, in the end. in this moment, he isn't the "mad captain" who cares about nothing more than the quest. he's the man who walked away from the fight so that he could sit next to her, who gave up all of his answers so that she could see her sister one last time. he's the man who "refused to believe" that she was dying, but still celebrated her birthday that year for the first time ever, just so that she would have it. and in that hospital room, at the end, through teary eyes and shaky smiles, it just isn't about anything bigger. she doesn't have to die as dutiful to the cause, for him to be there with her.
(the final shot of this episode is one of my favorites too. when scully is cured, she is going to live, her family is in her room celebrating with her, and mulder is crying alone in the hall.
these tags: "all his open love and loneliness and numbness and fear of loss. he's such a gentle man. he kills but he is gentle in his heart. he takes so many beatings and he listens quietly and has no shame. it's hard for him to play the games men play. this ending. he just found out scully is going to live. and everyone else is in there with her. and he has to sit outside. and it all hits him in one go. his sister. his parents. scully. his wasted years. his stupidity and arrogance. how many times has this happened to one of us. you grit your teeth and get through unimaginable difficulty. and then when it's all over you can't celebrate. it hits you on your own in a terrible way."
i always think of that. i always think of superstars of the superbowl. i always think of how ill-equipped and in-adequate we are, when it comes down to it, to deal with grief and trauma and loss. how "we bury our dead alive." and in the end it's "the best news" he ever could've heard, and that steady smile is reduced to sobs.)
honorable mention from paper hearts: i fear that i simply have to talk about him shooting roche in the head...did everybody see him shoot roche in the head? i thought him shooting roche in the head was lovely. you can watch it tear him apart, leading up to the moment. roche sitting in front of him, taunting him. how sure are you? you'll never know without me. but ultimately, he looks over at caitlyn, and he can't risk it. he had told caitlyn, "my name is fox, i'm gonna take you home." and then he did, even when ensuring she was found safe and well, meant sacrificing everything he'd been looking for.
the transition from that moment on the bus (roche's blood on the windows, caitlyn's screams, mulder's gun) to the walls of the basement office...the way the camera slowly pans over the UFO articles. the "i want to believe." the mysteries. all of that wishful thinking (as roche had said earlier: "it's like you think your world will be okay as long as you can believe in like...flying saucers") contrasted to the flesh and blood of the evil he's trying to escape. and, in the end, all there is left is one heart in front of him. one last victim that he'll never know the truth about, because he wasn't willing to risk the price paid for answers.
(and then scully says...but we will find her. how? "i don't know. but i do know you.")
honorable mention from oubliette: my top 2 episodes do be my top 2 episodes but there are few moments in this series that just make my heart sink to my stomach more than the image of mulder crying over lucy's body...that triptych line: "mulder who still grimaced at cadavers and cried over the bodies of dead women where most men she knew couldn't muster the wherewithal to appear disturbed."
lightning round appreciation for my favorite little tiny moments we don't talk about enough: casually giving his hotel key to the unhoused man in the jersey devil; holding kevin and telling him he knows he just wants his sister back in conduit; helping roland pick out a shirt to wear ("i think this one would look stylin' today, what do you think?") in roland; going back in for the kids even though he's afraid/had failed before, in fire; marty saying she "just knew" he would be at her sentencing, even though she couldn't see him, in mind's eye; taking scully to the liberty bell, after she complained about wanting a life outside of work, in shadows; when cassandra told him that reading news stories about him saved her life, because no one would ever believe her, until she found out about him, in patient x; telling skinner to get marita off the stand, "no. let her go," even though her testimony was the only thing that could save him, in the truth; telling off the sheriff in conduit who said it was "only a matter of time" before "something bad" happened to ruby because she "was no prom queen"; telling scully that he doesn't care if she comes with him or not, but he's not giving up on ruby "until they find a body."
#and also all of the rest of them. all of the rest of the things that he did in the franchise.#trish you're sickkk for inviting this madness but thank you bc i loved doing this even tho#i stared at it for 2 days as though i were sisyphus staring at his boulder#asks#sorry this is sooo much i went all out bc when else am i gonna have an excuse to gab appreciatively like this :)#but this is kinda my magnum opus of weepy apologia#i tried to pick a variety of like my Favorite favorite + ones that i think are central to his character
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I don't think Sisyphus would know any modern LGBT+ terms or know right off the bat how to interact with some forms of queerness because they didn't exist (or at least not widely) in ancient Greece but I think he'd be willing to learn and he would be happy to learn that queerness has become more accepted over the years.
#i think if you got high with sisyphus and talked about gender he'd walk away with a better understanding of modern gender and also#realize hes not completely male.#sisyphus voice i might be some form of nonbinary but i have to push this fucking boulder up a hill so idrc about that rn
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nobody ever draws those old men not primed and i appreciate it so much that you do and your Sisyphus is not skinny six pack weird ‼️‼️💥💥hellyeah‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️
THISSSSSSSSS EXACTLY THIS! dont get me wrong i think about their prime shenanigans every day of my life and how they still call eachother sun and moon( think it'd be fun for sisyphus to call minos new moon, regarding his face.. ) but what about before. where is the establishment of their RELATIONSHIP
#their polite talks for the sake of public image(insisted by sisyphus). their more indepth convos behind closed doors their heated debates#and their shared affections and how they know the crevices of one anothers body like no one else.#Sorry. I dont know who typed all that.#asks#gooptalks#NAND YEAH#a lot of ppl failto realize that 6packs like you see in movies ARE UNHEALTHY! THEYRE NO GOOD!#strongmen(fat guys with a good balance of muscle) are stronger and healthier than bodybuilders will ever be.#cant see their muscles thru their fat BUT THEYRE STILL STRONG AS FUCK!#and thats what you need to lift a boulder.#'swhy i also think minos treats sisyphus to MANY meaty hearty meals so he can uphold his physique and health#etc etc.
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reading series with books that have nearly a thousand pages each is all fun and good because you feel so accomplished when you finish one but then you start the next one and it’s like… fuck. back in it again. page 1 of 999. big hit to moral
#its like sisyphus and his fucking boulder#i was gonna read a book in between each long book in the series but i physically cannot make myself do that. i must continue.#finished book 2 of asoiaf last night and now on to book 3. the biggest one (i think??) in the series#book 2 took me like 2 months to read but i got into a bit of a reading slump so it was no fault of the book that it took me so long#asoiaf
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I had an interview on Monday and it went really well, the hiring manager said she really wanted me on the team and I should hear back by Tuesday. Didn't hear back by Tuesday, so on Wednesday I called them. They said the hiring manager was off for the next two days, call back on Friday after 1pm. I call at 2:15pm, the hiring manager has gone to the bank, call back in 10-15 minutes. If she's gone when I call back in about 30 minutes I'm just going to think she's avoiding me. Why is getting a job literal torture? This is a job at McDonald's btw.
Update: I have orientation on Monday!!
#i hate! job hunting!! it feels like a sick game that only god and hiring managers are in on#ive had tremendous luck with jobs in the past. my favorite job was in a truck stop kitchen#originally i was hired at the arbys connected to it. but i hit it off so well with the kitchen manager that she asked to keep me#i was hired at that arbys on the spot. and then snatched by the kitchen bcuz i was cool#is this the universe repaying me for having that luck? i was lucky so now it needs to be balanced with shit experiences?#job hunting in Philadelphia (where i used to live) was hell too#youd think itd be easier. so many jobs available. but none of them responded to applications or followed up after interviews#and to be clear. im working on moving states soon. so even though i just got this job#soon im going to have to get another. go through all of this again#i feel like Sisyphus but my boulder is jobs. im in hell#but at least i have a job. boulder is at the top of the hill. for now
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in case anyone wants to know how my day is going: someone just made a reference to sisyphus in discord and that has somehow tumbled into me being tasked with writing a retelling of the myth of sisyphus from the boulder's perspective
#andi talks#obviously i'm going to do it#who do you think i am?#it's gonna be a 3 part retelling#one part from the pov of thanatos the victim#another from the pov of sisyphus as he succumbs to his crushing guilt#and the third from the boulder
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I HAVE TO DRAW THE FNAF KIDS
#i dont think ive like... ever shown off what my charlie looks like#or any of the other missing kids#afton kids have been shown Very Rarely#need to get my shit in order i stg#jeremy never shows up as a kid but i need to draw him too.... im like sisyphus rolling the boulder. of art.#toxi.txt
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In the most genuine way, possible are y’all Waterparks stans or like? Like how would use describe yourselfs
-iz
#i can't lie parx does hold a special place in my heart i mean it's how i met our admins#but on the other hand i think i'm a little more jaded with them (awsten) as i start looking into things#i feel like i hate and pity awsten as the years go by and the more things people tell us#so...yeah. it's complicated. it's like rewatching your favorite old tv show. or sisyphus and his boulder
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Good morning, mermaid doctor 🧜♀️
sigh
I'll never be able to escape this now. This is my penitence.
#me thinking of the mermaid thing: haha funny#me now: i am Sisyphus and this is my boulder#aib roleplay#asks#mermaid doctor
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face down on the floor
#I’d compare myself to Sisyphus but yknow. I feel like that’s uncharitable#Sisyphus rolls that boulder every day and I’m just here on the floor thinking about the boulder#all these daily tasks…….. criminal
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.
#sisyphus (me) and his damn boulder (every day when i open up this app and i just want to have a nice fucking time.)#you know i think *i* get to be hateful if I want now. and i do want
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*remembers this account* oh yeah this fuckass game
#guys be honest. do yall even play anymore LMFOAOAOAOAOO#HELPPP BUT IM FR IS THERE ANYONE OUT THERE WHO STILL PLAYS#these rolls are over the span of months...i be uninstallin and reinstallin#its always some bs on this game like all these units be op for a few weeks#then they come out with 2 of the most powerful units youve ever seen with the shittiest droprate possible#and it just continues on forever and ever#its like sisyphus and the boulder#crash fever#like who even knows what event is happening rn. doesnt even matter#also warden taowu is nuts????? they killed it with her ngl. loved using her for stupid nothing quests#yo i also looked through my old posts. i was so weak back then#pascal was carrying me thru everything LMFAOAOAO she in the hall of famr for that#anyways....no one will see this#do you think cf players went to genshin? or just realized gacha games are dookie
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