#this is not me being sam crit by the way this is me upset about dean and john and the way dean gets told that his brother is going to becom

[weidli]

(1:21 Salvation)

the look on dean's face here. what if i buried my head in a pile of sand

[scoobydoodean]

I just want you to know how disheartened I constantly am in the SPN fandom and how I have to constantly unfollow SPN blogs because of the way Dean gets vilified to hell and back in posts. It's so hard for me as a victim of child abuse that really relates to Dean's struggles to see Dean get accused of being abusive or scrutinized as though he were in the same shoes as John. I hate the way it's all about who is worse to each other... Sam or Dean... who is the true victim between them... when they are just both victims of impossible circumstances that get through it all by loving and caring for each other. They both do shitty stuff but everyone wants to paint one as a saint and another as a villain and it's so tasteless. They are both sad little men whose only happiness is their brother, who went through it all with them, who has always been there. Idk, I just wish people appreciated more that Sam and Dean have been through hell together and they're both a bit fucked up but Dean isn't some villain and neither is Sam. Your takes are so refreshing it's so nice to see someone who gets it. Thanks!

❤️ None of these guys are villains! They are fucked up and sometimes they do fucked up things but they are overwhelmingly well-meaning, and even when they aren't they make sense? Like I would rather talk all day about why they are the way they are than spend time vilifying them (unless I am fucking around with crits in which case Sam and Cas are evil! Horrible! Villains of all time, I tell you!)

I think it's a damn shame that a chunk of people here would rather do abuse victim vs. abuser hours with the show—in such a hypocritical way too—and this is not the first time I have, in my notifs, had someone tell me how upsetting they find that vilification from the perspective of their personal experience. Like this is a group of fans who seem to pride themselves on being "sensitive" to victims of abuse and accuse people like me of being "abuse apologists" and being "insensitive" to real people by not "acknowledging" that Dean is an abuser (as if that wasn't a take built from a vile level of hypocrisy, cherry-picking, and willful misinterpretation) but I have had you and people with related experiences in my notifs many times saying how upsetting that framing of Dean is to them based on their own experiences with abuse and relating to Dean in that.

I happen to think a balanced perspective on the show and it's clearly-meant-to-be-sympathetic and well-meaning characters with various traumas and outlooks, presents a much broader stage for real compassion for real people with very diverse lived experiences actually—instead of a state of being where only one type of victim of bad experiences deserves compassion. I mean that's just if this is how people want to talk about Supernatural (2005)—if they wanna get preachy. Personally, I just find the entire argument—the way everything is framed to vilify Dean and absolve everyone around him of any bad action—super gross and manipulative and sometimes I can tell it isn't on purpose and it's coming from a place of someone's own pain and trauma, but other times it feels 100% intentional and then it feels extra ugly.

It isn't just the cherry picking and the dismissal but also how manipulative the framing becomes in order to support the goal of villainizing Dean, and how that manipulative framing in itself can invoke memories of ones own experience with an abuser's manipulations to make them believe they "deserved" the abuse they got or it was actually all their fault. And like. None of this means people can't do whatever the fuck they want in terms of interpreting the show but I just wish they'd stop being so preachy about it and talking about how sensitive and compassionate they are when they are triggering a lot of feelings for people with different experiences from their own—they just don't give a shit about those people or refuse to see them because they don't find their experiences relatable.

I really think people just need to watch the show and 1) learn how to look at someone they don't initially find relatable and work on understanding how they tick, starting from a blank slate perspective and guided by the desire to look at them in good faith instead of seek out flaws and evil intentions 2) learn how to not like a character without jumping to find a moral justification for not liking them. It is okay to just not like a character—to say they leave a bad taste in your mouth. You don't have to start making moral judgements about people who don't feel the same way about that character or invent things to frame the character as some evil manipulative mastermind.

Like at one time I would say—the first time I watched SPN—I was a MAJOR Sam hater. I thought he was horrifically selfish and controlling and I thought he was an ugly, manipulative man-baby brat. So like from the perspective of how I thought of Sam, I can say I can understand how someone might come to similar conclusions about Dean and then feed those conclusions and build on them. But at some point you have to take a step back and ask yourself what you want from this story and why you're watching it, and I don't think the answer should be, "To make myself miserable and marinate in increasing loathing for this character and the story as a whole as I continuously look for more reasons to hate some guy who is increasingly becoming somebody I just made up while the characters around him continue to love and support him and be willing to die for him".

[i-make-fun-of-spn-characters]

Hey I'm the one who sent the ask about Castiel embracing his dark side so he can heal and be co-parented by us. I like anon cause it's mysterious to you lol but I didn't send any real cascrit. I like how your blog is like a link to all corners of this fandom. Can't believe people hate Jack lmao. Casgirls maybe? There are Cas parents and Cas lovers

Oh yeah no worries.

I think I won't post the other anon just because I'd like to get off the babytrapping subject haha but I know you weren't really being serious about it. There were a couple anon messages trying to turn it in a different direction (not from you I think). There was also an anon who was upset and thought it was serious crit with the way we were joking about it and was defending Cas (but didn't want me to post). I think if people really want to discuss this genuinely, it could be a fun discussion for them, but with someone besides me because I don't have the motivation to say a lot to say about it haha. For me personally I don't think it holds up as genuine crit (and I don't think you do either) because that term has a specific meaning and I definitely don't think Cas has ever genuinely intended to babytrap Dean as like... a manipulation tactic to keep them stuck in a relationship. If there's a problem here, I think it looks more like Cas being really oblivious about the hangups Dean has developed about raising kids by the late seasons and just kind of thinking, "Oh! I remember that Dean is good with kids. I'll ask him to do this because I think I'm not good at it and he could help." Maybe someone wants to argue that that's its own problem and speaks to larger issues Cas and Dean have in terms of communication and understanding each other, but it's not babytrapping.

Jack hate is a real thing haha. Jack was actually a somewhat polarizing character while the show was airing. A lot of people really loved him, but there were a few things that created pockets of resentment in fandom:

Fans who loved Jack tended to infantilize him, which didn't sit well with other fans at all and lead to a lot of resentment for Jack, which is sad, because while fans (and occasionally Sam and Cas) infantilized Jack, Jack never infantilized himself. Jack (read: REAL Jack—not Soulless Jack) strongly believed in taking responsibility for his own actions. Jack bares similarities to all three of his "dads", and what he got from Dean imo is that relatively more uncompromising moral framework that's rarely swayed, and... the extra helping of guilt over your own human mistakes that comes with being a bit more uncompromising. (I actually like this about both of them).

Some fans resented Jack because they felt he was designed by the writers to undermine and even erase a lot of established canon about Dean and how he treats kids in order to turn fans against him. Prior to Jack's birth, Dean was pretty consistent in protecting kids and teenagers, whether they were monsters or not (ex: Bobby John, Jesse, Emma). This change in writing about Dean's outlook for many felt OOC or like a deliberate retcon, and there were many fans who did hate Dean over this entire period specifically because of this change and still do. They don't remember what Dean was like before and will wax poetic about how much Dean hates kids or dogmatically wants monsters to die which just... isn't accurate at all.

You have bronlies, who hate anyone who isn't Sam or Dean. Pretty self-explanatory there.

[dent-de-leon]

Top 5 CritRole episodes!

Okay, SO!! Sorry this took so long and that I ended up writing just way too much. I got a few different variations of this question a while ago, and it took a bit to think about. CR episodes are honestly so long, it just leaves me with too much I want to say. 

I’m sticking with just Campaign 2 episodes to help narrow this down a bit. Also, this is really just me rambling about how much I love the Nein and especially Molly. So: 

5) Episode 1: Curious Beginnings. I watched that stream live and it just made me so happy and excited and I don’t think anything else got me invested so quickly. I’d heard of Critical Role before, tried to watch a few episodes of Campaign 1 but kept feeling a little lost at first. Decided to try again with the premiere of C2, and I couldn’t keep my eyes off it. 

Everyone’s characters meeting for the first time was so much fun and Matt putting on the whole fantastical circus show was just magical. Pretty sure I fell for Mollymauk the very second Taliesin started speaking, and that’s my own fault. I don’t know, early C2 and that first episode especially just have a certain charm to me, it really drew me into the story and made me feel for these characters. All of them being outcasts also made them very endearing to me. They were fun and scrappy and (mostly) untrusting, and still they all came crashing into each other, and it felt like they belonged together. 

After that, I kept watching all the other episodes live until one day when I couldn’t because something else came up--that ended up being episode 26. I literally could not make this up. Very first time I ever missed an episode, but found out what happened later that night and could not bring myself to watch CR again for several months. Absolutely hit me out of nowhere and broke my heart. 

4) Episode 86: The Cathedral. I love Yasha, I really do. And this is one of those episodes that reminds me why. Beau just saying, “Long time no see,” when Yasha stalks up to her, still trying to just talk to her friend even though she can’t hear her. That devastating crit. Ashley being so upset that she has to keep attacking Beau even after she falls, Matt saying, “It evokes imagery that you’ve seen once before,” and Marisha just going, “Molly...” Yasha crying when she lands that blow and then walks away from Beau. 

Lightning shattering all the stained glass windows as Yasha falls to the floor with such a cathartic scream when she’s finally freed. Caduceus being the one to dispel Obann’s control and then stabilizing Beau in the same turn, because Grave Clerics are unbelievable. Yasha finally being free again after so long, knowing that she was saved by her family.

And really, there’s something so haunting and fitting about the imagery of Yasha ripping Obann’s wings off in front of shattered stained glass. We know how much earning her wings means to Yasha, so this punishment really feels like one of the most thematically compelling instances of How Do You Want To Do This. I think it also feels extra special because not only is Yasha back, but we finally get Ashley back. And I love it. Taliesin just throwing an arm around her and going, “Fuck some shit up!!” is one of my favorite things. 

Also!! This whole combat is wild. Caleb crashing through the stained glass window on his cat’s paw in the most cinematic way, and then tumbling down off the claws and falling to the floor because he is still a squishy little wizard with no athletics. That moment when Obann charms Beau and she just thinks of meditating at the sea in Nicodranas, using Stillness of Mind to break free through sheer force of will. 

The fact that we finally get to see Pumat fighting!! Taliesin and Liam simultaneously screaming, “Pumat Swole!!” Veth being charmed for like half the episode and how absolutely hilariously Sam plays it. I also think Veth had a very cool HDYWTDT too, when she draws her crossbow and the Traveler’s hand reaches out to correct her aim just a bit, helping her strike the cultist down. It’s just one of those little things that shows how everyone’s gods really looked out for the party. Then there’s the Inevitable Friend phasing in and out and haunting the whole battle, which I just think is very fun. 

3) Episode 111: New Homes and Old Friends. WIDOGAST’S NASCENT NINE SIDED TOWER!! Liam narrating so much of the episode, taking his friends on a tour of this lovingly handcrafted gift he’d been working on for so long just for them. The way Caleb catered it to everyone’s personalities so well, the care and thought and love he poured into all of it, because creativity in magic is how Caleb expresses himself.

The Nein were all just so moved by Caleb’s kind and attentive nature, all of them so grateful for this new home. There’s so many cute little moments, like Jester cuddling with all the cats. Or Fjord saying that everything in his room is just perfect, except, “Could I make a small request? Critique? The hammock was amazing. Could you make it sway as if I was in a boat? It was the only thing that was missing.” 

Mollymauk’s stained glass mural is one of the first things that you see after you really enter the tower. The pain in Caleb’s voice when he says he’s been planning this since half the party was taken by the Iron Shepherds. The knowledge that he wanted to build a shelter and home for all of them, a place where they could always feel safe at night.

How much it hurts to see that Caleb still isn’t ready to extend that same love to himself; the way he waits for everyone to fall asleep so he can sit in a replica of the room where he was tortured, still thinking about Astrid and Wulf and Trent and everything he’s endured until now. It’s another reminder of how Caleb will always carry these scars, and how badly he just wants to rebuild the life he lost. 

And of course, we have the Eyes of Nine. It’s just fascinating watching the Mighty Nein unravelling the trail Lucien and the Tomb Takers left behind. Marisha is such a voracious notetaker and she really gets so excited with her theories throughout the episode. 

I also love the part where they find out that Cree no longer works for the Gentleman, when they collect on all their blood vials and Beau just says, “We want that one that’s labeled Mollymauk.” I remember that moment gave me chills the first time I watched it. I don’t know, I just really love seeing Beau do detective work and collecting all her notes and the look of absolute horror on Caleb’s face when she tears out a page from this book at the Cobalt Soul. I could just watch a whole miniseries that’s just Beau solving weird mysteries.

Then there’s the question of whether or not to visit Mollymauk. Jester had offered to bring Caleb’s parents back before, and while he thinks that isn’t possible (maybe because he doesn’t have their bodies??). He does ask if Jester could bring back Mollymauk instead. “I have a foolish question, perhaps...Jester, you only just asked me about potentially bringing my mother and father back. While not possible, because we have no--well. It’s not possible. But if he still lies at rest where we left him, is it possible...?” 

That alone just breaks my heart, because we know reuniting with his parents is what Caleb wants most of all. And while he believes it just isn’t possible under the circumstances, that he just can’t have that right now--he does dare to hope that maybe, just maybe, he can still bring back someone else that he lost. 

And he’s so driven and just excited at the thought, at the hope, “It could be a reunion,” that Jester actually takes him aside and gently tells him why everyone else is so hesitant to bring Molly back; trying her best to manage his expectations and make him understand why the rest of the Nein aren’t pushing for this like he is. “Caleb? I think one of the reasons why some of us are...a little hesitant to go talk to Molly, is because it is a little painful, to do that. So, that’s maybe why Beau is...is holding back on that, I think. Just so you know...But it’s important.” “I think so.” 

How anxious Beau and Yasha are about the thought of visiting Mollymauk, how both of them especially have been dreading this moment. Beau reaching out to hold her hand because she knows Yasha still aches with grief. Veth wanting to check the grave, but promising to be careful, to try and not disturb Mollymauk if his body is still there. 

The anticipation steadily building throughout this entire episode and finally leading up to this--to everyone’s blood running cold when Veth gently disrupts the grave site and realizes something’s very wrong. Caleb immediately dropping down to his knees and saying, “I’m going to hell anyway,” and just clawing away at the dirt. The implication that Caleb believes he himself is already doomed, and has no qualms about whatever he has to do to try and reach Mollymauk. Everyone looking on in disbelief, the grave getting dug up more and more, until they know for sure it’s empty. 

Jester scrying one last time and seeing Lucien in the snow with a smile on his face. Everyone screaming and pointing fingers at Taliesin and how absolutely chaotic that whole cliffhanger is. Taliesin being so smug and excited even though he’s completely in the dark about what Matt’s plotting and honestly doesn't know anything.

I’d love this episode if it was just Caleb’s tower showing his love for the rest of the Nein, or just the grave being empty--that rush of adrenaline and sudden hope of possibility. But it’s both of those things combined with the fact that Caleb of all people is the one most driven to return to Molly’s grave, the one who keeps asking if they can bring him back.

2) Episode 14: Fleeting Memories. I feel like this one has to have a high spot purely for how many times I’ve rewatched it and the kind of impact it had on me. We find out so many interesting things about Mollymauk’s backstory--just enough to make it all the more gutting when we lose him so soon. But there’s so much about his personality in that Zone of Truth scene that really stuck with me, that makes it clear the exact kind of person he is. A number of Mollymauk lines that I will never be over: 

In response to Caleb asking, “Are you a good guy?” the absolute sincerity of, “I’d like to think so.” 

“Can you imagine what it would feel like to not remember anything that happened to you so far?...It’s very freeing. It’s the best thing--it’s the thing that happened to me. It’s not the best thing that happened to me, it’s the thing that happened to me. I found peace in building a new person. [In] the Moonweaver--”

“I don’t want to remember anything. I don’t want anybody else’s baggage in my head, I don’t want anybody else’s problems, thoughts, ideas...I like this person. [This person], right now, is a good person, is a fine person, is a happy person.” 

“I like my bullshit. It’s good. It’s happy. It makes other people happy.” 

“Literally decorated a pair of swords to make them look special. Thought maybe it’d make it less likely they’d think there’s something special about me...”

“Things came back quick, and the circus helped. They were good people. They did a lot for me, and joy can fill an awful lot in a person’s life.”

“I may be a liar, but I’m never a betrayer. I’m honest in my work and I believe in doing a good turn.”

“I stayed with that circus for two years, I know how people treat each other. It’s important.”

“I don’t care where you’ve been. I don’t care what terrible things any of you have done. You’re here now. This is how it works.” 

“I always try to be helpful when I turn cards for people.”

“I’ll tell you--and this is true--I did my best every town I went to and every town I left, no matter how they treated me. And a lot of them treated me with deep disrespect...I left every town better than I found it.” 

Caleb telling Molly, “I am satisfied, Mollymauk Tealeaf. For now.” And Molly, who’s still experiencing his worst nightmare, being so grateful for any bit of support. “This was not how I expected this to go. Thank you.” 

Molly just quietly patting Yasha on the back and going, “Thank you, dear,” when the spell ends, just happy that she’s here with him now and would never abandon him over Lucien’s past. 

It just means a lot to me that Mollymauk is someone who carved his own path, who was so unapologetically and loudly himself, colorful and daring and fiercely protective. He’s absolutely fine with deceiving everyone, but he believes his bullshit is so much kinder than the truth and makes people happy. Sincerely wants to leave every single place better than he found it. 

Won’t let anyone else or anything from the past define him, slowly reclaims his body piece by piece with tattoos of his own art to cover up Lucien’s marks. Someone who’s been through so much pain but has also learned to fill his life with a lot of joy. I just love everything Molly’s story represents and I’m so grateful for what little of it we are lucky enough to see. 

Also, we learn about the Tombtakers! And get to see a glimpse of Cree’s blood magic. 

1) Episode 140: Long May He Reign. This episode has everything. It’s “You’re killing her! You love her. You’re killing her.” “Molly, I’ve never forgiven myself! For not being there--when you died. I wish I could have saved you. I wish I could’ve done something.” “Please come back to us. I’ve missed you so much. I don’t really know what to say or how you’re supposed to do this, but all I want is for you to be here right now. And be whole.” “I just lean down and kiss him on the cheek.” “Empty no longer, Mr. Tealeaf.” 

It’s “Whoever it was, just put it back. I think they’ve earned it. Put it back.” “Love.” All of it still feels so heartbreaking and heartwarming and bittersweet and surreal. 

I think everything about 140 was just about perfect and that Lucien was absolutely worthy of being the final villain. Aeor Arc is one of my favorites, I don’t think Campaign 2 could ever be the same without it. The Mighty Nein taking down Lucien and saving the world that will never thank them, risking their lives because they want to save all their loved ones--including Mollymauk--that just feels right. 

So much of 140 feels like the narrative really coming full circle in a way that’s just so rewarding and cathartic. It’s thematically fitting because so much of C2 revolves around redemption, new starts, rebirth--this notion that it’s never too late for a second chance, so long as your heart is open to it. 

Vox Machina are forever known as heroes. The Nein don’t get that; no one but each other will ever know everything they risked and what they fought to the death against. But all their suffering isn’t for nothing. They get back their friend. They all get to go home together. That’s their reward. And without it, I think C2 would just feel too tragic. Not even bittersweet, just...hollow, as if getting their hopes up again and again only to have to go through this grieving process all over was just inevitable. 

My heart’s still aching over how much love Mollymauk and the rest of the Nein have for each other; it’s the entire core of episode 140, and the entire overarching final arc of this campaign. I can’t get over that moment when Laura suggests the reason Lucien attacked Jester and Caleb so viciously--and eventually killed them--was because they were the ones who kept reaching out to Molly and really breaking through. Molly laughs at Jester’s joke, tears his claws across his own face when he realizes Lucien hurt her. Stops himself from hitting Beau. 

And when Caleb calls out to Molly, that too shakes something in Lucien. The way Caleb’s voice breaks a little in each plea, the way he looks to Molly and begs, “Please, don’t give up. You can find your own life again. There will be time for that later.” It’s so satisfying to see Matt work in a mechanic where the Nein are rewarded for bonding with Molly and trying to free him. 

Then it’s Jester of all people who gets the How Do You Want To Do This, who still talks to Molly right up until the end, wants him to know that the Nein all love him and they still want him to come home. It’s the very thing her tarot reading somehow foretold, and that in itself is so unbelievable. “I know you’re in there, Molly. We love you so much, and we want you back. Lucien doesn’t deserve you.” Those last haunting moments when Mollymauk briefly regains control. And he finishes it himself, tears himself apart because he refuses to let anyone control him, won’t let his body be used to hurt any of his loved ones again. It’s vivid and visceral and too painful. 

And that resurrection--I’m still reeling from that. Caleb’s plea to the rest of the Nein to save Molly is so heartbreaking. He just came back from death himself, is still in so much pain. But he just limps over to Molly’s body, determined to do what he came here for. “Why did we come this far, if not for this?...Why did we go so far and fight so hard? We would do this for any one of us.” 

For Caleb, it was always leading up to this. He couldn’t conceive of going to Cognouza if they didn’t bring Mollymauk home with them; he was never going to leave there without trying everything he could to rescue him. Like how Jester said she never forgave herself after Molly’s death, never stopped wishing she could have done something to help him. Because Mollymauk will always be a member of the Mighty Nein, and he won’t let any of them get left behind. When Caduceus asks if they could perform the ritual after they plane shift, Caleb is adamant that they don’t wait another moment. “No. Now.” 

It’s Caleb who performs the ritual, and it’s the greatest culmination of all his power and arcane studies throughout the narrative. Liam describes how Caleb channels all of his magic and willpower and imagination into this, and how so very good and cathartic it feels to finally be able to heal instead of his powers being abused to tear down and destroy. 

And then Caleb gently encourages the others to come forward one by one.  Yasha first, who knew Mollymauk the most, who just wants to see her friend again more than anything and doesn’t want him to have to feel the gnawing pain of Emptiness anymore. Then Jester, still holding onto the cards Molly always used to make her happy, and she’s so excited to share she’s been learning tarot too. But it just isn’t the same without Molly. 

And finally Beau, because of course it’d be Beau. For a bit I think she really did believe Molly hated her, or that she hated him; and by the time she realized how very fond they actually were for each other, the mutual respect and playfulness and surprisingly vulnerable truths shared between them--they were nearly out of time. And Beau goes up to Molly last and she promises him that this time the Nein are strong enough to save him--the way Molly sacrificed himself to save all of them. 

My heart dropped when Matt rolled that natural 1. The soft way Caleb says, “He’s lifeless,” and then that painful goodbye. Brushing away a lock of hair and kissing Mollymauk on the forehead, returning that touch of tenderness Molly gave to him so long ago; it really is one of the most tragic moments and yet its also so full of love and longing, Caleb trying to offer Molly one last comfort. 

I know a lot of people don’t read Caleb and Molly’s feelings as romantic, but I think one of the most intimate and heartfelt lines in C2 is, “I lean down, kiss him on the forehead where he kissed me a long time ago, and push the sweaty hair out of his eyes.” Something about the fact that this one little comfort from Molly stayed with Caleb after all this time, was still on his mind. Caleb being closed off and so terrified of intimacy at first, but reaching out to Molly and returning his forehead kiss in the very end. 

Yasha crying, just looking to Caleb and going, “There’s nothing else to do? Caleb?” Because she just wants her best friend back, and she thinks if anyone could do it it would be Caleb, the person who argued so passionately to bring Molly back, the person most driven to resurrect him at the grave, the one who poured all their magic into the ritual. 

And Caleb can only helplessly say there’s nothing he can do. And Yasha, who is so torn apart, who loved Molly more than anyone, she cries for him again and insists, “Well, we can’t leave him here.” Because if nothing else, she wants Molly’s body to at least come home with them. She won’t leave him. 

Essek walks away and cries over this lost soul he never even met, so upset that Fjord goes to comfort him and they have a very bittersweet philosophical discussion about life and death. Jester goes to tell Molly goodbye. All of them lamenting the fact that after they fought so hard, they still couldn’t save this one person they loved so much. The absolute bitterness and defeat when Caleb says, “I know it was a hard-fought victory, but it still feels like we lost.” Essek actually admits this is the only time he’s ever seen Caleb look defeated, and that says so much about how gutting this loss was for him. To Caleb, none of it feels like it matters if they can’t bring Molly back. If the Nein aren’t all together.

And then Taliesin...Taliesin--the quiet way Deuces just walks off to the side, trying not to disturb the rest of the Nein while they commiserate and grieve, giving them a bit of space. And then, while he’s there--just for the hell of it--casting a final pivotal Divine Intervention. Because Deuces is such an empathetic and caring person, someone who looked at everything their friends went through and simply doesn’t think it’s fair that this member of their family was torn away from them. 

And it works!! Against all odds, after rolling a 2%, it really works. And it truly feels like it was meant to be. Matt laughing in disbelief and saying how much he just loves this game, the way all the other players went from choking up and crying to being unable to stop themselves from smiling...it just really does feel magical. 

And Molly’s first moments are so very heartbreaking; that innocence and vulnerability, the initial shock and fear and the way he just holds his head in his hands and keeps saying, “Empty.” Then Yasha walks forward and calls his name, says he isn’t Empty. And in that moment all his feelings come rushing back again, and Molly looks at her and just says, “Love” with such fondness and relief. Those moments when Yasha embraces him and gives him the biggest hug, just holds him close and is so grateful he’s here and whole...it’s so good, and Ashley and Taliesin play off each other in that scene so well.

It’s so clever and just beautiful that Taliesin doesn’t just leave Molly with Empty, but gives him a handful of other words too--the ones from his Tarot deck--those little virtue names Mollymauk assigned to all his loved ones even though they never knew. The realization that Molly was drawing cards for the Nein all this time, that he really did love them and wanted to remember his time with them. And now he finally gets to be with them again.

[thelioncourts]

mind if i ask what you mean about that? just curious!

sure, i don’t mind, but i’m definitely putting it under the cut so don’t read if you don’t want some spn crit

so. they’re recycling a lot of storylines. i mean. s15 as a whole is essentially a recycling, hence the ‘welcome to the end’ big storm of monsters and demons and whatnot sam and dean have fought in the past come back. but in s5, when we were leading up to what was intended to be the original end of the show, they started wrapping up characters by either killing them via jo and ellen style or gabriel or zachariah or or or, or writing them off logically like how it was intended with dean at the end. and i know it’s still relatively early in s15, being only ep6, but with my lack of faith in d*bb with how horrendous the writing has been the last few seasons and the return of eil*en last night, i’m absolutely dreading what might happen. she was definitely set up in a romantic context (please do not get my anger there started for a multitude of reasons) and the return of a character like that in the way they were returned is making me think of a reverse swan song. like. dean dead and sam living the life and i swear to all that is good it makes me want to scream, rip my hair out, hell, it makes me want to cry at the idea; and not in the good kind of heart-aching cry, but the frustration one.

and i know if someone is reading this they might be going ‘kirsten stop being so dramatic’ but you have to understand that we have watched a horrid decline of quality in writing over the last few years, but predominantly in the last three/four years. and i’ve been very upset that these are the writers in charge of the finale and seeing last night did not give me any comfort in the matter so. yeah. 

anyway, ignore me. i’m probably going to delete in a few because i don’t want to deal with any drama from this, even if i don’t tag it to go into the tags, but just :)) yeah. 

[annakie]

-----------

We're back for part two!  Remember the last time how I said....

And after that game... I parted ways with my friends once again.  Because I had tickets... to Critical Role.

Well... not only that, but I was finally meeting @thievinghippo​ IRL to see it!

CRITICAL ROLE (aka Friday Night)

I took off right after the previous game had ended and headed for the show.  My one big frustration was that it took 30 minutes for my Lyft driver to arrive from AROUND THE BLOCK (ok, about a quarter of a mile, but still).  In retrospect, I think he was hoping I'd cancel so he could get a bigger fare or something.  I think he just fucked himself over because he could have done that route twice in the time it took him to come get me.  So I got there with just a few minutes to spare and no time to get in the merch line.  But hey, I found Hippo and met a few other people from Tumblr whose names I recognized!  

It was so great to finally meet her, but we had almost no time to talk beforehand (but when we did, it was all about how mad we still are about Jaime / Brienne and also I tried to catch her up to what's happening in CR since she's pretty far behind.)

The show was AWESOME.  It was so fun to see live!  It was particularly awesome when the entire audience sang along with the theme song (See this video if you haven't yet for those of you not there: https://twitter.com/PhoenixHeart815/status/1157446225223962624 ).  It reminded me a lot of singing along with the Sparks Nevada theme the last few TAH shows, I got a little misty-eyed.

The bad?  It was really really hot in the theater.  At intermission I bolted out to the bathroom and buy cold waters.  I was about to get in the merch line but the lights already started flashing.  SIGH.  I gave Hippo a water and before we could settle in much, the show started again.  I told her my plan for the end of the show, though.

I will admit, my lack of sleep from the previous two nights was starting to catch up with me, and I had no caffeine available to combat it with.  I almost ducked out of the show early because I felt myself nodding off with the heat in the theater masked with the dark of the theater and that the second half of the show was less exciting (but still fun!) than the first.  Seeing the show live was amazing!

Just as Matt said they were ending the show there, I hopped out of my chair (I was in an aisle) and went into the lobby.  I was dying to get a set of the metal dice... and they were sold out of EVERYTHING except the big blue d20 and some pins.  ARGHGHGHGHGH.  So I got the d20, and watched the rest of the show including Liam's very surprising win, on the monitors.  (I'd voted for Liam because I assumed Sam would win.  I was pleasantly surprised at the outcome. :)  Though I love Sam to bits.)

Hippo joined me outside in the lobby early, and we left the theater just ahead of everyone else and she waited and we chatted while I called a Lyft.  She wanted to get out before traffic got too crazy, too, so she took off.  I am VERY MAD I didn't get a pic with the two of us at all.  Next year?!  

Then of course my Lyft driver didn't come to where I was exactly (literally at the Lyft pickup/dropoff designated location) and I had to walk around and look for him and by the time I found him, he'd gotten boxed in so we had to wait in traffic anyway.  Ah well.

At least the freeway was re-opened that night heading back to the airport, and thus, my hotel, for a shorter ride.  I ended up not falling asleep til close to 2.

I loved my evening and would do it all again but that Jeremy and Marcus told me that the Starfinder game they played in that night was AH-FUCKING-MAZING and was literally one of their favorite games of their entire lives, both of them.  It was a multi-table megagame that had a pass-fail condition and would shape the next season of the Society, and I'm sad I missed it while being really glad I did what I did.  Sometimes it's feast or feast, and you gotta pick which awesome meal you want.

I didn’t take many pics, just one as they were settling in after Sam came out in his costume, and one during intermission.  It’s all on Twitch, anyway!

SATURDAY

Oh man, for some really dumb reason we'd scheduled our Saturday morning for 8AM... but it was Starfinder!!  Uh, I will say I consumed more caffeine on that Saturday than maybe any other day of my life.  But it was needed.

What also helped keep me awake that it was FUCKING FREEZING IN THE ROOM.  The game itself was an absolute blast, though.  It was a brutal slog through a dead planet with hostile aliens everywhere and we had to stealth through, collect information and get out.  This was the game I felt the closest to death in all weekend, I'll say that for sure.  But we did it!

The very kind Felice(sp?) who was at the table decided she didn't want to carry her hoodie through the dealer hall, where she was going next, and her husband was working the main table at the Pathfinder room, so she told me to leave it there with him when I was done with it.  Since our next game was also in the Paizo room, I took her up on this offer and was warm and comfy the next few hours.

Our DM, an Operative, and Felice, plus the Hoodie of Warmth +2.

A very rare picture of me, on the internet, along with the guys.

And our next game was our first Pathfinder 2 game!  We were very excited to try out the system, and were put at a table with a father and son duo.  Jeremy and Marcus were excited because the DM was the same guy who'd DM'd their Starfinder game while I was at Critical Role.  

The only bad thing that happened here was that the El Paso Cielo Vista shooting news broke.  I grew up in El Paso, from when I was 12 to 22... it's Middle School through college for me.  Even though I've now lived in Dallas twice as long as I lived in El Paso and I haven't been there in like ten years, it's still... a little bit home.  So I left the table for a little bit to get on Facebook and make sure my friends there were all okay (they are), and text with my mom to make sure a family member who still lives there is okay (she is, though she took awhile to answer mom so we were worried.)  I have a lot of thoughts though, which belong in another post, and I'm still angry and upset about the shooting, even though it didn't affect me personally.  But for now, that's the end of talk of that terribleness.

At our table were a father and ~10 y/o son, who I'm cutting out of the pics because posting pics of minors without getting permission is not OK.  Also, the game was SHORT.  It turns out it was designed as an intro to Pathfinder 2 or maybe even RPGs in general so we knocked it out pretty quick, like 2.5 hours.

One very cool thing that Pazio was doing was that when you played in a game, you got a wooden token that you took up to the prize table, and rolled a d20 + d10.  No matter what you rolled, you got a prize, though most of them were cool little boons for your official characters.  However, if you critted, you got to pick a physical prize from the table.  Well, we played so much that Jeremy and Marcus both critted twice.  They ended up getting ALL THREE Token boxes (like cardboard minis, very nice quality) for Starfinder, plus the Starfinder Beginner's Box.  Pretty sure those four things together retailed for over $100.  Score!

So after the short game, with time to spare before our next game, the gang decided it was Dealer Hall time, literally the first time Jeremy or Marcus had time to go AT ALL.  I volunteered to be the stuff-holder.  After dropping off Felice's hoodie, I found a comfy seat near an outlet that was near the dealer hall and let everyone dump the stuff they didn't want to carry with me.  They came back and left stuff with me, and then after a couple of hours, also brought me dinner from the food trucks.  It was a fair trade.

I also asked Jeremy to stop by one particular booth and pick me up a set of dice I'd decided on, Blue Turquiose stone dice from Metallic Dice Games.  I took some pics of the dice below, though the next day I did have Jeremy swap out the d20 at the booth because I didn't like how some of the faces looked (by far the angle in the pic is the best side, there was too much solid color on the other sides of the die.)  These are going to be my official dice for my 4e character, who is a storm sorcerer reskinned as a druid.

LOVE THESE DICE, can’t wait to roll ‘em.

DM, Dad and blurred-out son.

A blurred-out boy and my guys.

Our final game of the day was the Cypher system, which is made by Monte Cook (one of the original D&D designers).  Cypher is a fairly simple system which mostly just uses a d20 and d6, and the DM never rolls dice.  The original system was made for a game called Numenera, which we'd played the beginner's box adventure for a few years ago but didn't feel like we got a good feel for the system, so we wanted to give it a go with a DM who knew the system well.

Overall, we enjoyed the game, it definitely wasn't "bad"!  But the problem was, we all agreed later, that the module that was being run was the kickoff module for a much longer campaign, there was a huge lore dump near the end and we also didn't really "get" everything that was going on.  

It also had the most memorable ending, though.  We ended the game by trying to escape from a base while being chased by some guys who greatly outmatched us.  My character was a pilot, and we needed to leave via a shuttlecraft.  One of the players who we didn't know was on the "get the door open and provide covering fire so everyone else can get to the shuttle" team.  And then he needed to make a roll in order to also GTFO and get to the shuttle.

He rolled.  Got a 5.  There's a mechanic where you can spend a card that you've collected in order to re-roll.  So he did that, got a 2.  Someone else gave him a card to re-roll.  He rolled a 3.  Someone else did.  He rolled a 5.  I was the last one with a card on the table, so I slapped it down.  He rolled a 4.

It was amazing.  Amazingly terrible rolling.

My pilot already had the craft powered up and was waiting for only him to get on.  I sighed, looked the player in the eye and said...

"I'm so sorry, but my character sheet says that I have a personality flaw.  I'm impulsive and impatient and have a setback to anything that requires patience, concentration or willpower.  I'm not waiting for you."  I looked at the DM and said "I decide that he's sacrificing himself to save us, and take off."

So I left him behind.  

The player was 100% cool with it, we had a laugh about it, and he agreed it was what my character would have done.  So it was kind of a tragic and funny way to end the game.  Also Brian needed to get some sleep that night so he hadn't come to that game, and Marcus left a little early to tend to the family, so just Jeremy and I closed out the night.

DM on the left, players I didn’t know in the center, and one on the right.  The guy in the bright blue shirt in the center?  I killed his character.  Sorry not sorry.

SUNDAY

The next morning, sadly, was the last day of GenCon.  We only had one game scheduled that morning, our second Pathfinder 2 game.  And EVERYONE was gonna be at the game!  

I hadn't even SEEN Gwen or Laura the entire con, and when they arrived at just about the same time Jeremy and I did, we joked that we hadn't believed the others were at the convention.  

We'd hoped that they'd let us put all 7 people at the table (Kirstyn had left late Saturday night to fly home and be at a concert she was playing in.)  They did not.  So we split up "Kids" and "Adults".

Sadly, this didn't work out super well for either table.  Gwen/Brian/Ally's table had a DM they did not enjoy and also a married couple who actually fought with each other uncomfortably at the table(!!).  

We had a good DM, but also an old guy who... I did not like.  At all.  He talked over the DM, even when the DM was explicitly trying to answer a question we'd asked him, things like rules questions on how game mechanics in PF2 had changed from PF1, since, you know, it was a system that had released THREE DAYS AGO.  Also, he was very... helpful... in telling me how skill checks worked and also questioning my decisions on how I was playing my character.  (YES, thanks I did consider carefully before casting Sanctuary on myself, and yes, it WAS THE RIGHT CALL.  I was the only healer in the party and had gargoyles flanking me, THANKS.)

I literally told the guy (as nicely as possible) "Sir, I've been playing RPGs for over twenty years, I'm well aware of how RPGs work, thank you" the second time he told me how skill checks worked as I was adding up my die roll with my skill modifier and took two seconds to do the math. And sure he'd probably been playing for thirty or more but um... I know how to roll a skill check.

After a short break, I told my friends I might need to leave the table.  Instead, Marcus and I switched seats so I wasn't sitting next to him anymore and the DM tried to refocus the game a bit.  It helped me at least.  I just did my best to ignore the guy.  I'm pretty sure he just didn't have the greatest social skills in the world but sometimes my tolerance for people like this can be... low.  His brother was also at the table and seemed okay, at least.  

The game itself was pretty good, ignoring everything having to do with that guy.  After the game the DM thanked me for sticking around and basically empathized that he was getting pretty annoyed, too.  

Not the greatest way to end gaming at the con, but hey, it also could have been worse.  I took pics of that game but decided not to put pics of someone I didn’t like on the internet.

Gwen, Brian and Ally's game ended like 45 minutes before ours (sadly, much to their relief) and they'd left to do one more run through the vendor hall and then left the con to start their drive home.  I had Gwen pick me up a set of dice that... I haven't even seen yet... and they were hella expensive.  I'm kinda feeling buyer's remorse about them right now, I didn't need to spend that much on dice this con but... well, we'll see how I feel when I see them in person.  If I hate 'em, I'll resell 'em.

All weekend long I'd been texting with my BFF from High School's husband, who is also my friend.  He was at the Con as well but doing his own thing and we'd been trying to arrange a meetup.  Well, we finally did it!  He came and saw me, and we hung out for about 45 minutes, just talking about the con, and old times and what we're doing now and the family etc. etc.  So that was great!  I was really glad to see him and catch up.

It’s Richard!

After he left because he had to go help tear down the booth he'd been working at, like the day before, I set up "basecamp" in the same place as before.  I had thought about going back to the vendor hall where Jeremy, Marcus and Laura were, but I'd already sent Jeremy off to ask him to pick me up the one last thing I wanted (the official GenCon dice tray.  I have a Wyrmwood Lacewood dice tray for home use, but wanted a nice travel dice tray.  I had a leather one for Kraken, but I'm real unhappy with Kraken Dice now and wanted something else.  I don’t plan on buying from them ever again in the future.  The official 2019 Gencon tray is very nice, and Jeremy had gotten one the day before, so he picked me up one as well.)

POST-CON

I only had to wait about an hour for the end of the con, and by that time the only ones from our group left were "the adults."  So once we were all gathered back up, the four of us headed out and walked a couple of blocks to a restaurant, which we couldn't get into, so we went to the restaurant next door, the Yard House.  

Wherein we had comically bad service, but they were very nice about it, and also WE were really nice about it, and ended up getting about half our meal comped.  Like our waiter had put in all the drink orders for all his tables to our table, so we had the wrong drinks delivered about five times.  We never got water refills.  Marcus had half a beer spilled on his leg (not even his beer, just another wrongly brought to our table), Laura's Appetizer-as-entree came out as an appetizer.  We asked for more chips for the chips and guac and queso we'd gotten as an app and never got it, etc.  Also while the manager was there assuring us we wouldn't have any more drinks brought to our table we didn't ask for... drinks were brought to our table we didn't ask for.  It was actually hilarious by that point.  

The waiter was brand new (his second day) so we got it.  It was just one of those things.  But they took care of us, we tipped well, it was all OK.

So that was the end of Gencon.  Back at my hotel, which Jeremy and I had long decided we wouldn't stay at again, I'd taken a shower very early Saturday morning after Critical Role.  Sunday morning when I showered again, the water still hadn't drained from the tub(!!) but I was in a hurry and just showered in gross cold water at my feet.  Then told the front desk.

They hadn't even been in my room all day to even clean up the room at all, much less do anything about the bathtub when I got back to my room Sunday night, so I switched rooms.  And then the room next to me had left the alarm clock on, and it went off at 9pm.  And my phone in that room didn't work, so I had to go downstairs a second time to get someone to go shut it off.  Also the AC in that room never turned off, the controls seemed to do nothing, so it was like 60 degrees in there the entire night.  It was actually a relief to leave the hotel the next day.  Next year... we'll pay a little more for a bit nicer hotel.

Annnd.. the next morning Jeremy and I got to the airport early enough, flight was full but not delayed, and had no problems getting home.  Spent most of the day from getting on the plane to going to sleep that night with a massive migraine so I spent the afternoon at home sleeping and drinking lots of water.. but yay... no con crud!

I miss the con, but being back in my own bed with my kitties is all worth it.  Still, I can't wait for Gencon again next year. :D

[moondaiz]

i can now say that i have read the lord of the rings and haven’t just seen the films - phew! enjoyed them steadily all the way through, and am v glad i waited until i was at an age/in the mood to be able to handle the wordy-ness.

stubbornly imagined a diverse and inclusive world, while simultaneously acknowledging (and yikes-ing at) the racism and other problematique aspects.

re: films:

love how the films re-ordered events in TTT so that helm’s deep and the ent’s attack on isengard came at the end of that middle portion.

not saying the films are perf either, but the amount of extra stuff they gave to the only female characters is actually a whole lot. arwen’s barely in the books lol, and eowyn’s mostly just in the 3rd act. But I was pleasantly surprised at how well-realised her character generally was.

my fave thread throughout was probs Frodo and Sam. even tho i’d be sat reading in abject Emotions, their parts were the sections that gripped me most and which i cared most deeply about (as i think it’s probably meant to be). all thru the meeting with faramir n his guys, then shelob, the aftermath, the bone-weary integrity of the whole mordor trek :( right to the end and the suggestion they will meet again one day.

i liked the scouring of the shire part! having heard of it referred to as a metaphor for childhood being destroyed, i was a bit apprehensive about it -- but i loved that it made the Shire a real tangible place in the world of Middle Earth, instead of an untouchable dreamland. it was important to show that even when war touches things close to home - and home itself - it is still possible to rebuild and repair, and for life and happiness to flourish again. Also (however upsetting) i liked seeing the hobbits fight for their right to party.

the barrow downs bit with the sharing out of the burial hoard = dispersement of evil spirits, would make a great positive metaphor for wealth redistribution if you were so inclined.

the whole extended world makes me really tired to think about so i doubt i’ll be reading all the extra tolkien-verse material... (i did have the hobbit read to me as a child n liked it but idk if i’ll reread as an adult.) it’s all just Too Much. please - less is more, my brain hurts... i am fine keeping my ignorance of largely irrelevant things.

all of the things so clearly taken from real experiences of WW1+2 are very present, and despite bad things from jrrt (racism being a big’un) i do appreciate the themes such as the importance of standing up; how a small act can make a big difference; choices and sacrifice; strength in friendship and tenderness; respecting nature... etc.

something i never understood about Frodo sailing into the west was that it was pretty much like dying. altho the films do give that impression, with the tone and the implication he can never return, i now have it confirmed. n it’s sad. y’know, i get that he’s going away to heal and he’ll be with bilbo and if he’d stayed he might have deteriorated in various ways n wouldnt have been happy,,,,, but it feels kinda close to suicide to me, always did. and it’s just..... so heavily sad.

good job there’s fix-it fic!!

the world is def not sacred to me so i’m looking forward to allllllll the transformative works that are undoubtedly out there

yeah so, i predict i’ll be spending some time reading fic written by ppl wearing their con-crit goggles to look at the source material, w/ plenty of inserted poc and queerness and happy endings. can’t wait!!