#this is just me mumbling to myself at 3am about the cursed anglo vibes within star wars

[mysticmjolnir]

i have been thinking about this for days so i'm laying it down here where all nonsense belongs

(this was borne from my home island having a horrible little election and me watching some horrible little debates and coping with STAR WARS(tm) thoughts)

what if during the clone wars there was a Grand Debate where they stopped fighting for like a week or w/e and had a big stupid horrible public debate on the live holonet between the Republic and the Separatists. one representative from either side. don't think too hard about it, that's not the point

the point is that Dooku would represent the Separatists, and who could the Republic stand against him in a big stupid horrible public debate? Dooku was MADE for this bullshit, arrogant, able to pivot away from topics he doesn't want to talk about, willing to fight dirty, able to project victory even when on the shakiest of ground, public school boy energy

i know what you're thinking, but let's start with the elected representatives first

obviously, Palpatine should be the one facing Dooku. even more obviously, Palpatine is never going to put himself in that position. let's move on.

Padme Amidala! she would do bad, too honest, too - naive sounds like i'm dismissing her, it's more that she'd see what Dooku was doing and get angry and he'd run rings around her and make her look terrible.

Bail Organa! idk i think he would also do bad, not get angry like Padme but not be able to keep up with the sheer wall of swarm that Dooku could put up.

Mon Mothma! voice is too quiet, also i think she's corrupt? i just watched andor for the first time, she doesn't strike me as someone good at big stupid public debates

i know there are more senators but I think other than Jar Jar these are the main ones. Of the four, Jar Jar would come closest to dragging Dooku to a draw, because he's very annoying and that would throw Dooku off to start, but I think Jar Jar would get flustered and ulimately lose

just a reminder that 'losing' a big stupid public debate is solely about posture and dick energy, not to do with morality, likeability or accuracy

okay so speaking of dick energy, obi-wan would also lose. not because he couldn't win, but because he doesn't want to be the kind of person who wins this sort of thing. he would have to lose a piece of himself to defeat dooku in this arena of combat and he doesn't want to and no-one would ask him to and it wouldn't be worth it this is the stupidest way to frame a war. also he's not tall enough and he's too comfortably bisexual. gotta repress that shit more babe if you wanna separate your soul from reality enough to win a big stupid horrible debate against dooku

no-one would ever suggest anakin except me, i think it would be funny, either he gets out the lightsaber ninety seconds in OR he's swayed by Dooku's fascistic appeal and spends most of the debate really half-heartedly refuting stuff until the end where Dooku talks shit about obi-wan or padme or something so anakin gets the lightsaber out.

mace has a headache

qui-gon'd do okay, he's tall enough but also he's dead and he's busy and he's got a new phone and he doesn't want to.

yoda tho.

yoda is going to annoy dooku SO MUCH on SO MANY LEVELS he's gonna throw him off so much and also he's never gonna get flustered not even a little bit. he can pull both the 'i am a helpless old man' card and the 'i am 800 years old and above this shit" card at the same time. he's gonna tap his little cane and make so many mouth sounds when dooku is talking, he's going to seem like he's not paying any attention and then say the most brutal cutting thing imaginable and destroy dooku in front of the entire galaxy

but also if someone has a time machine, then leia, leia could destroy dooku on his own terms bc she's got padme's political integrity and anakin's ruthlessness she'd murder him and he'd die happy knowing he was felled by a worthy opponent