#this is a serious inquiry even if it doesn’t sound like it btw

[backhurtyy]

does anyone have any tips for how to stop biting and picking your nails that aren’t a) fidget toys b) the nail polish that tastes gross or c) acrylic nails? because from where i am rn the only option that i see left is d) chop off my hands.

[rhyvrtho]

So, I've realized that in order to thrive here I have to do something that I wish I didn't have to. I have to change my voice. I've become too relaxed, fortunately but unfortunately, at this stage in my transition, too fortunately but unfortunately mostly only surrounding myself with other queer and trans folks with whom it doesn't matter.

But I've come to realize that my only way to financially survive in this cultural climate is to "go stealth", as they say, unfortunately, and that means I need a habitual voice that passes for female, at all times. I've become so lax in affecting 'a natural female voice' that now when I do, my voice goes hoarse after just an hour or so. I used to raise the pitch of my voice a lot. Now I scarcely do.

I'm not reaching my potential, and I've realized how very afraid I've become of succeeding in life, and a lot of that has to do with increasingly self-segregating as a queer and trans person here in the South, and in China the last couple years before I left.

I'm about to print some business cards and make a much more comprehensive effort to get some solid tutoring going.

If you have any friends with kids learning (or you yourself are learning or want to learn) Chinese or French (or basic Spanish or German even) in school, and they want tutoring for that, send them my way please.  I am not "American mobile" though -- I do not own a car. Public libraries, coffee shops, your home in Charleston, or online via Skype or Messenger for at-distance learners!

Languages are where I am most experienced in teaching, including English language arts, though sciences are also a solid check in my list. I can no longer offer tutoring services for a mere $15~20/hour, however. I'm worth more than that. My experience is worth more than that. I could be making $30~$60 per hour instead of having to pull all these bill balancing acts every month, or working for people in jobs that have nothing to do with my wealth of past professional experience, having lived and taught in China for 6 years and France for 1 year. I also would love to launch a China tour guide service for queer and trans people who want to visit Mainland China or Taiwan but are unsure how to navigate. This service would necessitate flying me to and from the destination with you, all my expenses on the ground covered, plus the actual fee for my touring and translation services, which naturally would be rad af ^_^

I'm happy I walked away from my 'decent paying job' recently because of the toxic environment in which my work ethic was being maddeningly taken advantage of with little return except superficial material comfort. The emotional labor there was a borderline abusive relationship with my employer, when you're essentially forced to manage disturbingly unreliable employees but you're not paid like a manager. I'm worth so much more.

But now I can't even sleep well every night because financially I'm facing a rough road ahead if I don't land something solid asap.

So, I will be changing my voice, indefinitely. Please help me not feel like a phony or a sellout for doing so. I would also appreciate any *objective critiques* using an objective ear, not a trans/queer-positive ear. Queer & (nonbinary) trans folks don't care or judge what your voice sounds like, but I'm saying that I'm requesting to be JUDGED, critiqued, and guided without filters.  I have little choice but to essentially go stealth as a trans woman out in the world, which also means a few other changes I have to make because really I'm just so nonbinary and genderqueer, androgynous sometimes even.

Thanks for your support as I permanently change my habitual voice. I have all the techniques down btw. It's just a matter of habituation and establishing that physical muscle memory so that it becomes second nature. I used to pretty much be there, but then I stopped caring and let my voice drop again.  Trans men, you're lucky in at least that aspect that your voice gets changed *for* you with testosterone. Trans women aren't so fortunate there with estradiol. But hey, I know we have some transition advantages too ^_^  Green grass green grass.

PM me on here for serious inquiries about my tutoring or touring services.

[themjinterviews-blog]

43. ...'cause it was Bobbi with an 'i'...he isn't just one of the guys; in his pink party dress, you would never guess, he benches 335!

Have you ever wished you could start life over?: Because being an infant sounds like a jolly good time? No thanks.

…or at least go back in time?: Yeahhhh – about that…I’m not fucking with different timelines and all the intricate time-travel etiquette.

When did you last eat pizza?: Tonight actually.

Do you prefer to hear the painful truth or a beautiful lie?: Not sure it makes a difference. In the end, it only matters how I see or perceive it to be. No definite way to known for certain whether people are being honest or not. You either chose to believe they are, or not.

How many exes do you have?: “Official” exes? 4, I think?

Have you ever known a pathological or habitual liar?: Absolutely.

Do you enjoy writing?: Love it.

If so, do you prefer writing lyrics, poetry, stories or something else?: Essays, free verse poetry, quotes, quirky self-help journals, lists, song parodies, etc…

Are you angry right now?: Mildly irritated. I keep hitting typos and I am just angry to have to keep correcting stupid shit.

Have you ever punched a wall?: Don’t think so.

Have you ever lived in a motel/hotel?: Yeah for like half a year.

Do you think you would enjoy running your own business?: Hell fucking no. I have very poor follow through and virtually zero concept of or desire to properly manage finances.

What’s the average rent for a 1 bedroom apartment in your area?: I’m gonna guess like 650-800$

Do you think rentals are too expensive where you live?: We are renting from friends. Doesn’t count.

Have you ever changed a car’s alternator?: Absolutely no idea what the fuck an alternator is.

Do you have Netflix?: The couple we live with does, but personally, no I don’t.

What about Hulu Plus?: Brandon does.

Do you have an Xbox Live gold membership?: Used to.

Would you rather master Guitar Hero or a real guitar?: I don’t necessarily want to *master* either. Neither are really a skill I could myself pursuing to any proficient degree.

Have you ever used an electric drill?: Back when I helped with drama club sets in high school.

Do you know anyone who’s had brain surgery?: Not that I’m aware of.

Do you like playing FPS (First Person Shooter) video games?: I got somewhat into CoD BlackOps.

Have you ever heard of, the band, Porcupine Tree?: Errr, no.

Would you rather wear boots or sandals?: Boots!

Have you ever rescued a lost dog?: B. sorta found our dog now that way. He escaped a neighborhood yard at a friends place and the lady was trying to get rid of him because her son was throwing out some hard-core Of Mice and Men vibes.

Have you ever adopted a dog from a shelter?: Yeah – my Deandra. R.I.P.

Have you ever cleaned a cat litter box?: Yeah.

Have you ever used a machete?: I own one…never had an occasion in which I needed to use it though.

What’s the last gift you gave to someone?: A weird drink coozie thing.

What’s the last gift you received?: A gift card to Carrabba’s.

When was the last time you rode a bicycle?: Last summer when I lived at the motel I think?

Do 2 wrongs ever make a right?: Right and wrong are up for interpretation.

Are you a vengeful person at all?: No. Vengeance to me is going on with life unscathed by and unfixed upon the malicious actions of other people. Seeking vengeance literally just gives them the satisfaction of knowing they got under your skin. Which was btw, exactly what they were hoping to do.

Do you have a good memory or do you forget things often?: Hit or miss. Going to lean more towards forget things, though. I tend to live in my own little world and if I don’t use the information frequently, it quickly becomes irrelevant and eventually forgotten.

Do you know anyone who suffers from chronic fatigue?: Probably.

Have you ever felt like you “lost yourself”?: I think for the first 29-30 years of my life, I didn’t even have a self to lose.

Do you judge people based on their weight?: No, what would that accomplish?

Do you know anyone who’s hardworking but still struggles to make ends meet?: I feel like I qualify; I work my ass off but have 0 priorities or sense of financial self-discipline.

What do you think is more harmful? Cigarettes or Marijuana?: Ummm, cigarettes are widely-accepted and scientifically determined to be absolutely more harmful than weed. Regardless, I smoke both.

Is your air conditioner on?: Either that or the fan. Not sure what the friends who own the house have it set on.

Is your heater on?: The fucks wrong with you. It’s May in Southern Arizona.

Do you enjoy going on walks?: Explicitly the manageably short, non-strenuous variety.

Do you like having picnics?: They're okay. Eating inside is fine, too.

Have you ever had a panic/anxiety attack?: Yessum.

Have you ever dated a co-worker?: “Dated” isn’t exactly the word I’d go with. But I’ve done the work-mance scene. Almost always culminates to awkwardness.

Do you still buy CDs or do you just download music?:Still buy CDs. The car we just bought was old enough to still have a CD player in it.

Do you like iPod/song shuffle surveys?: Not really.

Do you suffer from social anxiety?: Not really anymore. I mean, once I realized it was all in my head, it sort of depleted the level of social anxiety noticeably.

Are you more introverted or extroverted : Introverted. But I know how to appear extroverted in situations like talking to my tables at work.

Do you enjoy organizing things?: There is no consistency when it comes to what kinda shit I like to organize, nor how frequently I do it.

Have you ever watched “Mystery Science Theater 3000”?: I have not

Do you know anyone who plays Tuba?: Random. Nope.

If you had to get a tattoo of someone’s name, who’s name would you choose?: Like maybe a pet or a family member. Or my own name.

Have you ever been to Catalina Island?: No idea where that even is.

Would you rather swim with dolphins or sharks?: Yo, what sick fucker voluntarily chooses the sharks? Is that even a serious inquiry?

Do you know how to change a vacuum belt?: You buy a new vacuum or you simply never vacuum again.

Have you ever given a business a bad online review?: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.”

Do you know anyone who used to be a stripper (that you know of)?: Yeah, one of the bartenders I knew from the dive bar.

Do you know anyone who’s a hoarder?: I know people with tendencies, but not full-blown hoarder-ness.

Do you know who Maynard James Keenan is?: Ummmm, no…sorry.

Do you take responsibility for your actions or tend to make excuses?: I’ve gotten better at understanding what taking responsibility for myself actually means.

Have you ever used the shower at a gym?: . Yeah.

Have you ever felt trapped in a relationship: Trapped is an understatement.

Do you believe that “love is blind”?: I believe love is almost always something else in disguise…and that it all generally relates back to the image we want to create and embody. I swear I’m not being cynical, I'm just saying “Love” will always be too subjective and misinterpreted to come to any finite opinion about it.

What’s the furthest distance you’ve ridden a bicycle?. Like 7 miles? Could be more or less. I’m a terrible judge of time and distance.

Do you rate every survey you fill out, here on bzoink?: Don’t know what Bzoink is.

Do you know anyone who gets way too angry when playing video games?: Not currently.

Do YOU get too angry when playing video games?: It’s been awhile, but I usually don’t get raging mad – I was likely never expecting to do all that well in the first place.

Do you like to sing karaoke?: I’d rather sing along to the radio/iTunes. I need to hear the artist singing in order to match pitch and sound half decent.

Do you know what micro-expressions are?:. Not remotely.

If so, do you have a talent for seeing/reading them?: Assumingly not.

Have you ever had insomnia?: Medically, no. I don’t think it counts if you just do a lot of uppers and electively decide not to sleep.

What’s the longest amount of time you’ve been awake?: Like, 6 days. It gets trippy. I am in no way suggesting anyone try it.

Have you ever been in denial?: Lol it’d be obvious denial to deny being in denial.

Have you ever been in The Nile?: Sure. King Tut and I go Lazy-River-Drunk-Tubing together.

Have you recently used a nail file?: I honestly don’t think I’ve ever used one.

Do you know anyone named Kyle?: Yeah. This kid I went to HS with. We talked for a bit like a year ago and got Margaritas once.

Is it annoying that I started rhyming my questions?: Nope. You do you, bro!