#things i wouldnt be able to do if i was at work
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Any patreon tips for other creators? Getting a successful patreon feels so hard to do </3
it’s a lot of luck, in all honesty.
I guess for me specifically, i was nearly done with a 430 page comic before i launched mine. So that was like 6 years of posting comic pages and having people find my stuff over that span of time. I think there is no harm in jumping the gun and starting a patreon day one, but you will have less eyes on your work just due to the nature of creating. It will likely be slow growth, for a long while.
If i were making comics with the intent to get rich i would be miserable, because it is not a reliable income. I think you need to start with passion. I would be doing this with 0 readers. I DID do this with 0 readers. And with a lot of time, and an incredible amount of luck, i am able to do it full time rather than just after school/work.
and if you’re talking like, patreon perk stuff, backlogs seem to be the most effective thing. Like at least a 5 page buffer, and consistent posts. And people really seem to like getting wlb stickers in the mail. But i would recommend not doing too many things that give you extra work. I personally wouldnt offer like personalized monthly art / commissions as a patreon thing, because it would kill my wrist. And if you have a patreon for your comic, they likely want to see more comic stuff anyway.
i dont know ): i wish i had better tips. Sending you all the luck on your comicing journey.
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I screwed up I was supposed to call a customer on Sunday and didn't and the day they were interested in picking up plants is tomorrow so I'm gonna have to lie and say I thought I called and left a message last week but realized today that I dialed the number wrong last time. I don't have more of the plants she wanted anyway so hoping she went with something else since she didn't hear from me, otherwise I'll be happy to give her whatever we have left of that plant but I definitely would suggest she call some of the other nearby wfm stores (and/or check trader Joe's if she needs to) to see if they have any of that plant too. Anyway so berating myself over forgetting to call that customer back in time is only One of the things I screwed up at work.
The other is that on Sunday I started drafting what the daily orders should be for the week as an email to send to my boss and remind him when those are due. I am suddenly certain that that email is still sitting in my drafts folder in my work email. I didn't remember till last night that it probably wasn't sent. And since I had other things to think about I didn't check in with my boss or anything or even think about work beyond worrying about inventory today and getting home afterwards.
Which means that it's likely that no one did daily orders this week and including for in-store tomorrow, which means our sales are going to suck and our displays are going to look terrible. Right before Easter when we should be doing really well on sales and keeping every display full and beautiful. At least (hopefully) the outdoor came in yesterday and more coming tomorrow so we will get the sales from that...even tho it's gonna really suck to count this evening especially if it's raining later. Ugh. And I Have to have to have to order stuff for in-store Saturday, Im in at 10 tomorrow and the order is due by 9 but luckily I can also order it after 3pm today, so as soon as I find out how bad we are on flowers and/or if my boss and his new order writer managed to do my daily orders at all without me there, I will place the order for Saturday.
#i was a tiny bit distracted recently but like. anyone would be.#of course i didnt Tell my boss that my dad was having heart surgery last week and thats the reason i was off for 2 days last wk and w#the reason i took off mon-wed this wk was my dad was coming home from the hospital Monday and my mom needed my help#me being home allowed her to do food shopping bc she didnt wsnt to leave him alone#and allowed her to relax a bit as well in general having someone else around#also i helped with making dinners and kept and eye and ear on him and helped him#and i also cleaned the shower floor on monday so he could take a shower without slipping after he got home#and was able to take over the cooking we were doing together when she needed to be on the phone w nurse abt stuff#i got stuff for dad and moved stuff for him and tried to be helpful in general#things i wouldnt be able to do if i was at work#today being inventory means I'm around till 2ish (if i pay for uber which i will. my 3 days off this wk were pto and I'm scheduled for the#other 4 days so I'm getting paid for 7 days. i can afford the uber.)#like I'm definitely taking an uber home tomorrow from work as well bc i dont want to get home too late#cant help that today w inventory till almost midnight#considering maybe going on earlier in hopes i can leave early but can not guarantee that one#also gotta remember to take an umbrella and rain jacket
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Sketches based on my FAVOURITE project sekai concept EVER by @the-one-that-weeps that when the characters enter their SEKAIs, their bodies adapt to the worlds as well! I also took some inspiration from the notes and my own concepts :DD
Thought it'd fit the Halloween spirit a lot!
#“why are minori and ichika together they wouldnt be able to meet” SHUSH. halloween magic#emu with multiple hands because shes got sm energy shed love to do several things at once <33#mafuyu has the notes of niigo's songs that helped her. and also empty notes for future songs to appear#not pictures but one over her chest & hesrt would probbaly be a fragment of kanades song that saved her#you cant see it well but kohane has a filmstrip on her left arm. and below that a graffiti of the vbs logo#left arm has a fragment of a “KOHANE” graffiti (apecifically the HANE) and vbs logo on her hand. little paint splashes on her face#ena has the. auxiliary lines for drawing humans yk. on her face and elbows and knees#like shes an unfinished sketch yet. has to still be worked on. but can still become a masterpiece. yk#also little drawings but also some crossed out. also her eye crossed out. yk. the struggle of not being able to draw the other eye#and teeny kanade with flowers growing where she walks but also wilting soon after. she still hasnt learnt how to save people </3#the rest are obvious. i think. feel free to ask if not!#kerizart#prsk#prsk fanart#prsk art#wxs#wonderlands x showtime#kamishiro rui#tenma tsukasa#emu ootori#kusanagi nene#mafuyu asahina#kohane azusawa#ena shinonome#hanasato minori#ichika hoshino#do i tag kanade AHAHDHAHA#kanade yoisaki
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Im never doing this perspective again
#art#hermitcraft#hermitcraft smp#fanart#hermitcraft fanart#hermitblr#artist#hermitcraft s10#artists on tumblr#docm77 fanart#docm77#hermitcraft doc#doc fanart#dad kisser doc donnerstag#hermits#blue print#mechanical#Look. Doc's arm has a very specific working in my mind and I needed to get it out of here#and I couldnt even fit all of the things I needed to#thats the sad part.#Like the entire underside of the arm? Not there.#The entire system with the bi- and triceps? Not there.#The way it connects into the shoulder socket? Not there.#the way it's able to charge and connect to other systems and CPU? The bluetooth system? The hidden speakers? The cords and hidden connectio#s? All not there. I'm pretty sad about that but it looks good and most of the basic concepts are there so thats good#and I do like how it looks otherwise I wouldnt post it lmao
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they just met why is kara always going on about how lena needs to give her more and more? maybe that should be the end, they had a nice time , we got nice smut and they parted ways. i get why kara doesn't see them working but idg what lena is seeing in kara long term beyond her being 'normal' i guess that's enough with her life, even when kara was told that those pictures were from before they even met she still judged her and made all about how lena hurt her feelings, lena will have tabloids saying shit about her always and kara is right that they won't work long term, they don't work even now when they should be in the honeymoon period
Yall I'm writing this on my phone, my thumbs dont have that kind of stamina.
Also, as for what Lena sees in Kara... tbh I'm relying pre-exisiting chemistry that y'all know is there, even if I'm not the best at showing it here. I might embellish when I move it to ao3, but I might not.
But also part of things is that Kara doesn't really have room to shine, because Lena sucks all the air from the room. And with based looooooosely on the anne hathaway movie that sees them reuniting in like five years, I had to have them split in a relatively timely manner.
And also tbh, in case the "writing this in my phone notes" didn't convey this strongly enough-- I am pantsing this thing to the maxxxxxx. Not a single outline or bullet point in sight. Total stream of consciousness. As a rule, one can expect my tumblr stuff to be considered a stream of consciousness more than anything else. Do NOT expect it to be polished or free of plot holes.
Also also... it's a free story with our fave peeps? Didn't think it needed to be much deeper on this here tumblr dot com...
#lol sorry#this is ramble central#like.... you dont have to like it....#but i dont have to hear that you dont?#unless i majorly fuck up in terms of representation or a microaggression or whatever#i want to know about that#but if its just a general 'this isnt good enough for my tastes' thing#you cannot imagine how demoralizing this would have been if I had been in less a good head space#and then a bunch of people who *do* like it would miss out on the ending/more content#im sure you didnt mean this in a mean way#but if i were more depressed than i currently am#i wouldnt be able to see the lack of ill intent#i would just see “your story sucks and doesnt work what are you doing”#so maybe give it a second thought before hitting send yeah?
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the bad: i have been raised without much warmth from my parents in childhood, but also pressured to conform to familial authority, doubt myself always, and value familial connections above all else (<- failed at this, and feel guilt about it.)
but also in experiencing this i have been so isolated from the entire rest of the world and others, that it will be nearly impossible to create my own "family" -> find safety and comfort in anybody else once my family is Gone. despite dis i find it really difficult to break away from the familiar, disobey and disappoint, because, well, why are my wishes more important than anybody else's. why would I cause upset and distress in anybody, and exert so much effort into my doubt filled half decisions, for my meaningless little Wishes. being away would also mean less time with these people who I'll never see again once they're gone. being raised this way is definitely paying off for those who did so.
the good: yaaaay adjacent inspiration for writing talon lore
#talkys#my dad scaring me but also giving me no advice on what to do instead only saying if i do this it will be the wrong choice leading#to more wrong choices well yep you got me i am scared. i am inept. i fear regret and punishment for wrong decisions.#i struggle to make decisions because i cant go back on them.#''ill never have savings again'' and ''you cant value friends over family they'll abandon you''#and ''living here is only a problem for you because you dont communicate. there is a way to work things out''#i wish i could work it out and stay i dont know why i cant work it out ! and what do i want#to leave so badly for... to continue to never have stable housing#never have savings again? be alone and in danger?#to be able to wear whatever i want and...buy things? really? that doesnt seem very worth it#nothing seems very worth it#im miserable here but maybe i'd be more miserable away...it is true#well at least the chances to leave are very slim. and will continue to get slimmer the more time passes.#but maybe its fine i dont want to ruin my life or be even more of a burden or reason for distress in someone else's#moving out wouldnt fix anything. wherever you go there you are.#my friend said i have to be a little selfish (positive) to push myself to leave. bt i dont want to be selfish. im ashamed of that as a trai#delete later#even now i feel immense guilt and stress when my dad does things that hurt or bother me bc i know ill miss him when he's gone.#(and ill have nobody after all of that. due to the being kept in a cage)#that sucks. why does everyone else always win. why am i always the weakest pliable one. i wish i had no emotions#my surgery is the only decision in my life ive been 100% sure on for years#and even then my parent's words had me crying and rapidly changing emotions daily until the day came#im not strong enough or sure enough about anything else to withstand More of that#<- and i know that tomorrow im gonna be like actually you know what who cares lets try to leave#and the next day ill be resigned to staying here forever#and the next day ill be like actually you know what who cares l
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ive been unhealthily fixated on kubosai for the past few weeks, i just have no idea how to put it into words. kuboyasu aren and saiki kusuo are in love btw
#they are.#been thinking a lot about t*rusai and k*bosai and all three of them together#(really long rant in these tags that shouldve been a rant post but im not changing it soz i got carried away LMAO->)#see the thing is that k*bosai is my absolute favorite ship ever. but i get genuinely pissed when people smack talk t*rusai#idk like i get why people wouldnt ship kbs and i really dont care. and i also get that a lot of people have differing opinions and-#wont ship trsai. i honestly cant wrap my head around why (other than people who just hate teruhashi and are misogynistic) but im okay with-#agreeing to disagree and i dont care yk??#but people so often make these long discussion posts just yapping and yapping and making up shit about how trsa 'wouldnt work'#and its always just... actual complete bullshit. like unreadable word vomit.#sorry. but its true.#thats why it gets me so mad#i cant think of a single reason why you would feel the need to do that#why cant you be normal and just. not like a ship. just dont like it. hate it even. but dont make up shit just to shit on it#its so dumb i have to force myself to just scroll past them every time i encounter one#usually on tiktok or tumblr#if i read them i wont be able to stop myself from making the most concerned and upset noises ever cuz what is actually wrong with you#theyre always the biggest dumbest stretches ever and they ignore their actual development and pretend it didnt happen#it just makes me wonder why people are so okay with making fun of that ship but get mad if anyone even dislikes theirs#and then they complain about people 'shitting on their opinion'#LIKE ?? NOBODY CARES THAT U HATE THE SHIP. I CERTAINLY DONT GAF.#but ur in the main tags advertising ur hatred for it and sounding stupid as shit for no reason? UR SHITTING ON PEOPLES SHIP ON PURPOSE#AND THEN GETTING MAD AT ANYONE WHO EVEN SAYS 'i disagree actually' IM LAUGHING SO HARD STOP IM KILLING MYSELF#the one time i ever talked in that much detail about why i disliked a ship was bevause somebody specifically asked me#and yk what ?? i have literally gotten death threats over it. im not allowed to hate that ship but everyone else can do whatever i guess#okay sorry. rant over.#is that controversial i cant tell. i dont really care and im not tagging anyway#meows post
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ough brain is doing SO bad but sometimes. there are colors
#bakuspeech#WIP#cw: gore#the stuffed animal cartoon kind. but still#ask to tag#Im so fucking sorry I keep going like I will draw! (does not draw for three weeks#I. ngl Somethin is goin on up there. I finished writing a Thing and it doesnt solve that#I just. this is my capacitance really I think. I just gotta. accept it. work with it#its always so funny tho bc like I look at whatever it is Im drawing rn and its like hey this looks like shit! this looks ass#and then I keep drawing it.#like this piece is at Least two weeks into something thats supposed to be a pretty quick revised illus for#an old wizard leon design. and like if I werent Bit Off it wouldve stayed that way#instead. this is how its goin#I have not slept for 23 hours. I should uh. fix that#but yeah its just. my brain is wrappin itself around some new ideas n concepts n shit rn#like. I was really afraid I wouldnt be able to paint digitally if Im not on the screen tablet#and its kinda fuckin with me? like obviously I can. I am literally doing the exact same things Im doing on the screen tablet#but now on a graphic tablet#thats just. not getting thru to my brain yet. for some reason. its still generating goo n such#well! what is a guy to do. if not blastin off regardless#sorry. I really should sleep now#have a good night lads! this piece will be done when its done. I am NOT saying more I am not jinxing SHIT#u should change ur pillowcases! it really does send u to another realm
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sometimes looking at like Self Help Strategies lists for the symptoms I'm having is always just like:
thing that I already do
thing I have tried 10 times
thing I already do
thing that I don't have the money to do
thing I already do
thing I've been doing since I was 10yrs old to no avail
thing that is impossible given my situation
thing that doesn't apply to me
thing that I already do
thing I have already tried
hrmm, oh wait, maybe finally- OH, yeah.. okay. thing that I already do but it was just phrased slightly differently
thing I have already done
#I think maybe productivity tips help less if the reason you're unproductive is partially like.. physcial health and other extenral things#out of your control. rather than just like having trouble paying attention or spending too much time on tiktok or whatever#all the strategic to do lists in the world are not going to somehow prevent me from waking up with a debilitating migraine or whatever#or having external stressors or lacking resources and connections or other Productivity Essentials etc.#especially many tips involve stuff like 'cut off from social media' since thats the modern day time waster for so many poeple#and it's like.. lol.. i can hardly even maintain a blog even thuogh i actively WANT TO DO SO. 'shut off your smart phone!' already#done babey i fucking hate smart phones i shall never use an app unless i am forced to. 'delete tiktok' yep. already covered. tiktok and#all of those thinsg are my enemies. 'save money by cancelling some of your services' cool. already ahead of you.#who the fuck is out here paying for like 10 different subscription services. pirated videos uploaded to google drive and youtube to mp3#my beloved. etc. etc. and so on. 'socialize less' .........LOL.. if only you knew.. mr.writer of the article. i can barely muster#talking to friends more than once a month and even less if I'm actively sick (often occurence) etc. etc. ... hewoo#I think maybe instead of generic productivity tips I need more like.. how to refocus and be productive anyway even if you have a headache#or are nauseous or etc. Not that those are always things to ignore. and of course you should let your body rest and etc. But plenty of peop#e have mild physical symptoms and just work through them. Ithink something about the way my body/mind is SOO hyper attuned to all#sensory information just makes it like... constantly 'GRR well I cant focus on WRITING right now because my lef#t ear feels weird and my socks are too itchy and my back has a strange pressure and I'm vaguely warm and my eye feels some ssort of#way it doesnt normally feel and I'm hyperaware of my breathing and also nauseous for no reason' and like half of those things I#think '''normal''' people wouldnt even notice or at least would be able to just live through. but for me it's like.. nealry impossible to i#gnore and soooo distracting always. like 'wahh.. nooo we can't draw or get anything done.. my legs feel slightly heavy or something!!'#like............. ok......... who cares. thats not even a PAIN sensation it's just something weird. but it's just like.. NO. constant#mental alerts about the 'heaviness' of your legs be upon ye. Though Imean like.. yes.. 70% of the time I am in genuine pain#or having some sort of actual ailment with trackable physical symptoms. but sometimes it's just like... we could totally be working right#now and ignoring this silly thing but my brain is fixated on it for no reason uncontrollably. etc. etc. I guess it's the same way that like#most people can go to a grocery store without the whole experience being so overwhelming and so much stuff going on at once#that they have to rest afterwards but like.. in my own HOME doing NOTHING i feel like I should be able to not get overwhelmed lol. ANYWAY#Rolling my bastard little rock up a dumbass hill and so on and so forth
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broke: xue yang is a jin bastard
woke: xiao xingchen is a jin bastard
bespoke: song lan is a jin bastard
#obviously none of them are. but wouldnt it be funny#if jin ling's 500th uncle. was the guy his nightmare babysitter blinded muted murdered and mindcontrolled for eight years#and by funny i mean horrifying#personally i think xingchen deserves lan baby status. hes just so tall and pretty and strong yknow#if xue yang is anyones baby hes chang cians. just seems like something mxtx would do if giving xue yang a daddy was on her mind#song lan just spawned. obviously#the great thing about unexplained backstories means that i can make anyone a bastard! :D#i need something to entertain myself w at work okay#just imagining the look on jgys face upon hearing that Giant Man is his brother. he wouldnt be able to contain the rage#song lan#sl#mdzs#cql#the untamed#shut up ly
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...
#oh lads. lads. lads. lads. im being sucked back into the world of academia#i dont even kno what happened. a week ago i was crying bc i was like: this is impossible. i simply cannot do this.#and then i went into the lab sunday and miraculously i was able to easily read some papers. like i dont kno how to discribe how baffling it#was. like reading papers is like pulling teeth and this was somehow easy. i think maybe it was bc i let myself get distracted and wander#thru it. and then after that i got so much done this week and i was tired but having fun. and like the thing is: i fucking love evolution#it's like puzzling out the code for life in both a metaphical and literal sense. its fucking incredible. and my project is also very#interesting. if a bit intimidating in its scope. ya kno. just in the way photosynthesis is generally intimidating#but i think i have a strain thats lost chlf which is really interesting and my advisor said we might have the money to try some crispr for#my cyano children. hypothetically. maybe. and i get to do some poking around in genomes. theres so so much to love there#how could i possibly want to do anything else? and yet. and yet. here at the end of the week im so wrung out and i kno i just have to start#again on sunday and i kno im gonna have to step it up in terms of reading if i want to make it through a committee meeting and proposal#defense. not to even mention a comprehensive exam. and what do i get at the end of all this? a lifetime of academia draining my life away.#bc what i do is so academic. so whats the point? its just so frustrating.#and on top of that ive got all this data from my old lab that i kno i have to work on. and i will. i will. but with what time?#anyway the point is. i can see a path forward now where i stay here and decide the pain will be worth it despite not knowing where im going#after that. im just so tried#but right now it feels like im gonna stay until someone kicks me out#but that doesnt exactly make me feel happy. ugh. but if i stay i want to get my old pi to come here and give a seminar. ill warn her how#intimidating the department is tho. we've had 2 talks in the last 2 weeks that were... not good. particularly the one this week#like she couldnt answer a single question they thru at her and didnt seem to kno her data sets. it was hard to watch. anyway. i just want#to see my academic mother again. send me back to the desert! let me rot in a field full of sage#but send me back to the hills of an older mountain range. where i can climb sandstone cliffs and lay in carpets of moss. except i wouldnt do#that bc of all the ticks and threat of lyme disease...#anyway. im still tired. still sad. and there doesnt seem to b a way out#unrelated
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i only just found your au and i need everyone to have a happy ending so badly im gonna cry ;-; sally is gonna be so freakin upset when she wakes up for real and sees she decimated barnaby.
oh, Barnaby already has his arm stitched back on when she wakes up! and really, even if he didn't, that'd be the Least of her worries. she wakes up into a Real nightmare - partially of her (unintentional) making
#happy endings... well... yes and no. depends on what act you look at#act one? no! actually things get So Much Worse in an entirely festive new way!#act two? eh! sorta! its more bittersweet than anything#act three and four blend into each other so much that three doesn't have an 'ending'#but the final act - act four... well. who's to say! im still workshopping what i want to happen#but i do know it's still gonna have at Least a bittersweet tinge to it#wh lights out au#rambles from the bog#there are consequences and not everyone Makes It. i dont like stories where everything wraps up perfectly fine#even if it hurts! i like it when things hurt in a good way. those stories where the ending is overall positive#but Enough Happened that its just... its an ache. looking at where someone used to be. you know?#my favorite shows and books and fics have ended with me smiling while sobbing bc it yes it Hurts but it was So Fucking Good#and while i wouldnt be able to handle rewatching/rereading due to Emotional Damage...#i think of them fondly and often and theyre Important to me#perfectly happy endings just rub me wrong. it always feels like there's something Missing despite it all being idyllic#i cant let my own stories - original or aus or whatever - have that kind of end#so if thats what people are hoping for! you've come to the wrong person and the wrong au!#i like to be kind but that rarely extends to my creative works!#i like it messy and painful and bittersweet and i like to be Ruthless with my creations with no compromise#sometimes characters need to fight. or leave. or die. or make serious mistakes. etc.#but anyway! anyway....#i will say that there isn't a happy ending for Everyone. and for others it's... complicated. again - bittersweet
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idk if it’s worth it to post this but i did deactivate blumisiu. rip 🪦💔 putting this here just in case people get Confused.
i reblogged all my works on @blumisiu-archive, though <3
#it’s complicated but not really.#i did have my (many) happy moments on that blog. and often times it was a safe and comfy space for me.#and somewhere i DID want to be. but. there was always a lingering feeling of unhappiness and disappointment and dissatisfaction.#with my writing and all that.#and i just really felt that no matter how long of a break i took i wouldnt be able to go back on there and feel happy#my writing has unfortunately died out for the time being lol and yeah. that paired with how i was feeling before just sort of solidified#the decision for me#i’m so grateful for all the love that i received on my works :( so grateful for every mootie patootie i met ❤️#but yeah. idk it was just the right thing to do for me.#perhaps writer vivi will make a come back! maybe one day! maybe even blumisiu will return…#BUT i do know that i wanna make a k-pop blog again. sometime soon!#just to post moodboards and other silly stuff and like i said before perhaps my writing again#but yeah :P that’s that#♡ dear diary…
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been able to keep both my fear and hype about totk in check by watching nothing but elden ring videos for weeks but now i read something on accident and my anxiety is going through the roof again
#ganondoodles talks#pls nintendy#dont do this#it was only a sentence with no clear spoilers or anything#but by god its put fear in my heart again#pls let totk be its own game#id even be willing to spoil myself on some stuff just to know my fear isnt based on truth#i hate that i feel like this#even if im better able to stop panic attacks before they happen#i still feel so silly for feeling so strongly about a game and its lore#but no matter what i try i cant help it#its been my thing of comfort for so long i wouldnt know what else i would focus on if i were to lose it#and it would be so much work - years of work- basically wasted#plus i would feel so bad having made people be interested only to abandon it before its even really started#the only thing giving me comfort if this was the case is knowing id just post all lore -concept art -drafts and scripts#as a sort of -this is what i had been working on for all these years- so at least the people who cared could get an idea of it#and in the unlikely case that it would be liked by alot of people#i would keep working on it despite it making no sense anymore#im rambling on trying to calm myself down#sorry#gotta be exhausting reading my anxious ass tags over and over#;__;
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i'm so fucking stressed out
#dude my dog had acl repair surgery in march#she's healed fine with that but developed stomach issues#so she's been back and forth to the vet with that#and now when i was at work she just randomly started walking weird as fuck. she kicks her leg that was operated on backwards as she walks#and sometimes looses balance in both legs#and then when i pick her up she acts like it hurts her spine or something#i'm gonna wake up in 4 hours to call the vet and see if they can see us today and pray that this isn't something that she'll need surgery#for again#i also am supposed to work tomorrow and then friday we have a rehearsal dinner and then saturday the wedding which is two hours away.#vets closed on sunday so if she can't get seen tomorrow it'll be a whole new fiasco trying to get her helped somewhere else#this dog is my lifeline like it#ruins me#seeing her like this#genuinely if i didn't have her i wouldnt be here#it's so hard to watch her not even be able to walk#but it's so fuckinf weird bc my mom said she was just laying in her bedroom and she came back out doing it? there's nothing she could've#gotten into it just makes no fuckinf sense#like it's possible either her kneecap or her acl implant thing popped out of place but#she stiffens her entire body when i pick her up#and she acts like she's losing balance#it's so fucking weird#i'm also terrified that i'm about to get told she has some kind of onset of neurological problems and she'll have to get put down#or something along those lines#it's just too much rn#pls keep my doggy in ur thoughts#we just spent 3k on her surgery in march if she has to get operated on again first of all the recovery process all over again sounds like#a nightmare#but just the cost alone#i'm gonna FUCKING KILL MYSELF
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If I had to describe the mood, it really is like when you grow up with an abusive parent; and there are bad days where you're just willing for them to go to work and be gone all day so you don't have to hear them yelling and slamming shit
#That plus mixed with like#Slightly more adult feelings of unspoken resentment bubbling under the surface#And complicated webs of need#Like I need a place to live - so as not to be homeless#You need - idk question mark? To feel heard and valued#Okay but like talking down to the adults in the house and plus the eighteen year old#Talking to everyone in an insulting babying voice#Because youre JUST TRYING TO BE CLEAR#It sucks man#Its been all weekend and yeah I was just like please go to work please go to work#And like I love my sister and my nieces but this environment is nothing but passive and active harm#And micro- to macro-aggression masquerading as control#And like when is the breaking point?#You really like.#Lose a LOT of your goodwill and empathy even for someone you love#When they react the same harmful ways that#Even the youngest child has pointed out is harmful! is negative! makes them feel bad!#But they just keep acting and lashing out bc they arent being heard#Bc SHES tired SHE didnt sleep SHES anxious she#You know?#Like to make your reactions to stimulus everyone in the houses triggers is#And to not try to find outlets to help make things better for everyone#Rather to say every time IM SUCH A BITCH IM SOOO SORRY. I SHOULD JUST. STOP. TALKING#Fuck man#I need my own space#(I need to drive off a bridge)#I just need to find a space away from all of this drama in this house man#Sorry this is a lot but i wouldnt be able to express this much feeling to anyone#Nor do I feel like I have a right to inflict my stupid bullshit life problems and whiny emo shit on anyone#Long tags are long
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