#thgis is so emo im sorry back to our regualr scheduled program

[catbcys]

Tw for suicide/just a big vent post cuz I’ve been going over too many feelings lately

When I tried killing myself (the first time) last year I got this sense of bittersweet-ness while laying on my bathroom floor. It was like alright, the pain will end soon, and I was the happiest I had been in months knowing I had the chance of dying. Like I didn’t, because I’m still here, and I woke up so upset. Not in the hospital. Just in my bed. Alone, no messages, no concern. The world went on normally.

The night I tried, my mom yelled at me and left, my sister told me I was bothering her, and my boyfriend at the time starting ignoring my messages after he realized I wasn’t dead. And told me he didn’t care I tried to kill myself, and that it didn’t bother him. I was so alone. I know I’m not as alone now, but everything is different. I’m dealing with the aftermath and recognization of everything.

But that’s not the point. I can’t stop remember that sweet feeling I felt half drunk and wishing my body would give in soon. And it never did. 3 months later when I tried again it didn’t either. And it didn’t last May. And it didn’t in June. And the world went on normally, and it continued. And my body is still here and it’s alive and it’s moving but I’m not connected to it. So I don’t know what’s worse