( ' glass children. ' )
violet wrists and then her ankles, silent pain.
then he slowly saw their nightmares were his dreams.
monster, how should I feel?
creatures lie here, looking through the windows
i will hear their voices.
i'm a glass child, i am hannah's regrets.
— summary: with the star plasma vessel dead, satoru and suguru need you (fem!reader) to lead them to their next path.
— genre: angst. heartbreak.
— playing: monster by meg & dia
— note(s): i'm a sucker for what ifs. i love what ifs. good and bad. i thought about this what if a lot. i wanted to write about this since halloween and didn't have time to post it. i just know suguru and satoru are better than me cause everyone would have gotten this smoke. that's all imma say. anyways, mentions of blood & death. probably some spelling errors here and there.
— word count: 866
Those beautiful cerulean blue hues still sparkled as the light down on them.
But the spark of life was gone. They were dull. Lifeless. Emotionless. You never saw them like this before.
You could feel the anxiety swallowing you whole. If someone looked closely, they can see your legs trembling slightly. The two boys in front of you were having a brief conversation but you couldn’t hear it.
You couldn’t hear anything over the loud sounds of your heart rate picking up at a rapid pace. You couldn’t even hear the round of applause the strangers that crowded around the white hair teenager who held the lifeless body like he did the first time meeting her.
They were clapping for Satoru. Fucking clapping.
You just stared at the crowd in disbelief. What kind of people would approve of this? What kind of people are happy over this? The death of a young girl.
A young girl you considered your friend.
Monsters...monsters...
“Suguru...should we kill these guys? The way I am right now I doubt I’d feel anything.” His voice was hoarse. But what made your heart ache was hearing no emotion in his tone. It matched his stare.
Dull. Lifeless. Emotionless.
Your eyes went over to Suguru. His back was faced to Satoru but you saw his almond shaped eyes were as wide as they can be but soon he pulled himself back together. He always does. He has too.
“No. There’s no point. It’ll be dissolved soon enough.” His voice mimic the tone Satoru set. He began to walk towards the door to get out of there. He was sick of the clapping and the smell of the dried blood that lingeried. He was sick of this. He was sick of this life. He was sick of death. He was sick of curses.
“No point, huh? Does there really need to be any point to it?” Satoru asked or stated. You couldn’t really tell. You went to follow behind Suguru like a lost puppy but Satoru called out your name.
“Name...”
"Y-yes...Satoru?" your gentle voice trembled.
"What do you think we should do?" Satoru asked you. His eyes didn’t look at you. They just looked straight ahead into nothing. Suguru's eyes went over to you almost forgetting you were even there.
Your eyes was puffy and red from crying. You were the emotional one out of the three. That's why Satoru would tease you about being weak. You were a crybaby. But Suguru didn't see an issue with it, he likes you like this. So did Satoru but he wouldn't openly admit it. You reminded him about those certain emotions he swore he couldn’t feel anymore.
"Name...what should we do?" Suguru also asked willing to do anything you said. The self proclaimed brains of this trio couldn’t think straight or logically. So it was up to you.
The boys looked over at you for an answer. An answer you didn't have. This wasn't fair. These higher ups using you children. Not caring if you killed one another or died in front of each other. You loved your best friends. Especially Satoru and Suguru, willing to do anything to protect them. Even Riko. They were the only family you have.
But would the higher ups mourn you?
Would the higher ups sink into a dark hole of depression?
Would the higher ups get revenge on you?
Or would they replace you like a piece of livestock.
They would probably replace you in a matter of days.
They probably would assign Satoru and Suguru a mission while your ashes are still warm.
Satoru and Suguru.
The thought of leaving them behind made you feel sick at the pit of your stomach. How would Satoru handle it? You knew Suguru would break in a matter of days. He bottles so much inside of him it would just burst out. Would they keep it together if you were to die? Or would they lose it themselves.
You know you would lose it if either of them or both of them were to die. Leaving you all alone. To defend yourself. To love yourself. You couldn’t imagine a world without them. The three of you were glued to each other, couldn’t really function without the other.
You could feel the anger replacing the fear and anxiety. On the inside your morals and humanity was being teared apart, stripped away from you the more you stared at Riko's lifeless body in Satoru's arms covered by a thin white cloth.
"Name..." Suguru called out to you once more. There wasn’t much time to make a decision.
"Kill them," you finally answered losing all emotions you had that day, "kill them all."
That's all Satoru needed to hear. His lips formed a wicked grin as Suguru silently summoned the rainbow dragon. You stood watched the blood being splattered on the walls and floors. The screams made you smile like that day on the beach with your best friends.
That’s where your mind was.
The day on the beach with Riko and Satoru laughing at the sea cucumber while you, Suguru, and Misato were on the beach towels just watching them with smile of your faces.
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maddie's monolgue in i saw the tv glow was incredible, but it's interesting how so many viewers took her statement about burying herself literally. i think, generally, there are two veins of interpretation of this movie, reflecting which reality the viewer favors. you could believe that the tv show is the true "reality" of the movie, or that it's simply a surrealist backdrop to the story of one person's intense repression. in the latter interpretation, maddie's dialogue feels dangerous -- is she actually advocating suicide? or simply speaking in metaphor for the trans experience of coming out?
i felt that this scene tread the line between those two extremes. but more notably, i thought about acts of "suicide" a closeted or repressed lesbian would feel drawn to. the way that maddie describes the burnout guy she paid to bury him, how he didn't even know what he was doing -- to me, it felt like she was implying an act of sexual self-harm, testing her sexuality, "burying herself" in the emotional pain. the catharsis found in suffocating herself, allowing herself to dissociate and fade away, and then coming free with the understanding of who she really is... while i think her monologue can be taken in many ways, this interpretation resonates with me.
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I fucked so much, so good, this weekend that I can literally barely walk. My ankles are stiff, my shins are clicking with every step, and my upper back hurts. My right shoulder and wrist ache, my grip is weak, and one finger (not even one that saw any action) inexplicably is painful to bend to the left and keeps seizing up. My left foot hurts, which isn't surprising considering I broke it a couple months ago, but the right foot and ankle hurt too. I don't know why. My problematically over-tight pelvic floor currently has the structural integrity of an unbaked tear-apart pretzel and the back of my bladder is sore. I feel like a dollar-store Barbie left outside for six years and now the fragile plastic of my hip joints is going to shatter the instant I try to spread my legs.
We went for several hours and when we surfaced I saw this text from my best friend:
Boyfriend is doing better than me, fortunately, because I am demolished.
What I'm getting at is we are two middle-aged trans-masc queers who have not physically transitioned beyond T. Please don't let ANYONE tell you that having a bio-penis you can penetrate with is required to pleasure someone.
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I just think Tallulah gets to be upset about this. “It’s not Wilbur’s fault” “He’s not a bad dad” “He loves his daughter so much” yes! These are all true! And it’s not his fault! But he’s still not there. And Tallulah has gone through so much and still hasn’t seen him, the one time he was around was the one time she wasn’t, and all she has are letters and “I’m thinking of you always” and things that used to be theirs together, but he’s still not there. She’s waited and she’s been patient and she’s loved him all the same, and he’s still not there. Like yesterday, and the day before, and the day before, from the happy milestones to the traumatic events, he’s still not there.
She knows that it’s not his fault, but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s absent. That in and of itself just adds to the sorrow, because she knows why he’s gone, and she’s been told time and time again it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care, she knows this - it doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting, that it doesn’t hurt, that she doesn’t yearn for her father to be there more than anything in the world, and he’s just not there.
So yes, she gets to be upset, and be caustic, and stomp her feet and write bitter messages, and be angry and vitriolic, because she’s a little girl missing her father, who feels things with her whole heart and soul - and that means she gets to feel the ugly parts of it, too.
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