#they took me off it because i don't have a bipolar diagnosis

[hollowboobtheory]

god i miss lamictal

[peachesofteal]

peach I was diagnosed as bipolar this week. im scared and have no one to talk to. Its going to be the rest of my life and that scares me

tw mental health, medication, etc

Okay, let's chat.

These are my opinions:

First, you are not bipolar. You have bipolar. Having bipolar is not being bipolar. People who have cancer are not cancer. For me this distinction is important.

It is really scary at first. Your feelings are valid. A lot of people worry they'll never live fulfilled or happy lives once receiving a diagnosis. This is blatantly untrue. Yes, it's the rest of your life. No, you're not doomed or broken or sick.

Here is what I (personally) recommend:

See a therapist outside of a psychiatrist. Full stop.

Medication. Don't try to raw dog it. For most, it will end badly. For me, it ended badly on multiple occasions. Some people refuse meds because they believe they can manage on their own, and good for them, but there is no gold star for being unmedicated. My personal opinion is: it's dangerous. Additionally, it could take a long time to find the right med or combination of meds. It will be frustrating. Don't give up. Also, if you start taking meds and all of the sudden "realize you don't actually have bi polar" or "think you never had it in the first place" ... it means you took the drugs and the drugs are working. It doesn't mean stop taking your meds.

A support system. If you don't have a solid support system in your life, look up support groups for mental heath or bi polar specifically. Cultivate support in online spaces. Listen and learn from other's experiences. If there's absolutely nowhere else to turn, join the bi polar groups on reddit and take comfort in the fact that A. you're definitely not alone and B. there is always someone else who's done way more fucked up shit than you have. Trust me.

Self awareness. Recognizing depressive episodes, hyper mania, manic episodes will go a long way. This is really difficult. Hyper mania is almost impossible to determine from the inside looking out. Depressive and manic episodes are a little easier because they are/can be so extreme. Psychosis is impossible to recognize in yourself until you're on the other side. This is why a support system is really important. Get an app and track your moods, your feelings, your habits. Look for the patterns. Are you sleeping too much? Too little? Are you spending a lot of money? When was the last time you saw your friends, are you engaging in risky sexual behaviors, do you think you're god, are you sleeping for fourteen hours, are you talking so fast no one can understand you, do you think you're hearing things, are you doing a lot of drugs, are you driving across the country for no reason, are you making serious life changes that you've never considered before, are you flying off the handle with rage, etc etc etc.

Look back and see if you can recognize behaviors or symptoms you've exhibited and use that knowledge to help you recognize them in the future. Medication is not foolproof. Do not use this advice to look back and pick yourself apart.

No psychedelics. Not even micro dosing shrooms.

Be gentle with yourself and get enough sleep. Be honest in therapy. Get some sunlight. Exercise to the best of your ability. Do not skip your meds. Give yourself grace. Embrace who you are.

[karamazovposting]

On Ivan and bipolar disorder (part one)

I've never seen anyone talk about this and it doesn't surprise me considering most people don't really know what bipolar disorder actually is (the stereotypes are all wrong and good representation in media is rare, sigh) and while I'm not saying my interpretation is the only correct one as I'm a firm believer that anyone can see whatever they want in art and that's a beautiful thing, in my opinion there are enough things about Ivan's behaviour and character that make my bipolar Ivan Karamazov agenda worthy of being pushed a little.

This first part will be more of an introduction where I'll just talk, in general, about what I picked up on in the first half of the novel and then in the next parts (I don't know how many there'll be yet, there's a lot of stuff to say) I'll get more specific by going over Ivan's inner world and the more significant events that made me think yeah this young man definitely needs some lithium.

Let's start with this: I know every Dostoevsky character is fucked up in their own way, that's pretty much his thing, but there is a difference between being a little fucked up and being actually mentally ill. There's just something about Ivan that made something in my brain click and go bipolar, which has never really happened before.

Do I think Dostoevsky deliberately chose to make Ivan so bipolar coded? Considering at the time there was barely a name for this disorder (which isn't even the same name we use today), let alone an actual diagnosis, no. But as someone who is diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I think his character makes a lot more sense if we see him as suffering from it. I even talked about this to my therapist who has read the book and he sees my vision too (lmao).

The thing that I'm sure jumps to someone's mind when it comes to Ivan and the topic of mental illness is the psychotic episode he goes through after Fyodor's murder, and while it kind of sustains my thesis on its own already, I thought he was bipolar coded way before that, because in my opinion there are a lot of subtle signs and behaviours that are kind of like little puzzle pieces that need to be put together to get to see the bigger picture, as bipolar disorder is not just the episodes someone goes through but also the impact those episodes have on them. It's a disorder that shapes the person, their brain chemistry and patterns and therefore their life in an irreversible way.

What initially struck me was how angry Ivan actually is. We don't really see it at first solely because we don't really see much of him in general, but I think that after he pushes Maksimov off the carriage without saying a word or explaining himself to his father we open some sort of Pandora's box. After that, almost every time he appears in the first half of the novel, he's angry. At the top of my head I can only think of two instances where he's not: when talking to Katerina before leaving for Moscow, which is also the first time we see him show an emotion other than anger (and it only took him, what? More than 300 pages? Yeah, relatable), and when he's at lunch with Alyosha shortly after. Other than that, he's always angry, and it's so visceral that I couldn't help but think that he feels that particular kind of deep rage only someone with bipolar disorder is capable of feeling (I personally nicknamed bipolar disorder the always fucking angry disorder). The way he's so deeply and irrationally angry that he feels himself shake and has to collect himself in order to not beat up Smerdyakov? The way he can't let it go and engages in conversation with him even though he himself doesn't even know why he's feeling or doing any of that? The way he treats his father? That's undiagnosed/untreated behaviour, I've been there. It may feel weird or even absurd if you're not familiar with this disorder, but there's a reason why the term bipolar rage is a thing: it is indeed on another level. It also seems like the only emotion he's comfortable with showing is anger and that's why it seems to be his only emotional outlet, as he didn't seem that eager to open up in front of Katerina and even when alone with his own brother you can feel some sort of awkwardness coming from him. I'll go into the specifics of that particular interaction with Alyosha in the future, but I think that after that Ivan's, very emotion-centered, character arc officially starts to develop as his relationship with his own feelings finally and slowly starts to change and becomes a tool to get him closer to the other characters. It's obviously not linear and I really like that, it feels very realistic.

Anyway, at first I thought I was just projecting, lots of people have anger issues and showing one symptom of something doesn't mean you have it, diagnostic criterias exist for a reason. The thing is, the more I read the more I noticed that not only Ivan happens to meet a lot of them, but he also shows some behaviors and has some personality traits that can easily be interpreted as bipolar coded (as I said a few paragraphs ago): his complex and peculiar type of loneliness, the emotional outbursts, his own perception of himself compared to how the other characters speak of him, his traumatic childhood, his attitude towards life (and death), the reasons behind his relationship with God and religion, his curated persona, the fact that no one seems to understand him. Not to mention he's described as having experienced depression and anguish multiple times in the past, and in a particular occasion in the novel not even knowing why (this one point in particular is very important as it connects to his attitude towards life and death, which is the most bipolar coded thing about him to me). All things I'll go over with more detail in the future when I'll get to his inner world.

For now I'll say that the main thing about bipolar disorder is that it fucks up one's emotions a lot, causing "inappropriate" or "abnormal" (for a lack of better terms) and exaggerated emotional responses and reactions in the people who have it (which usually manifest as the epic highs and lows the average person has at least heard of, but it can and does get more complicated than that) and I genuinely don't think Ivan reacts normally to anything, ever; the most noticeable thing to me is that his default reaction to anything, no matter what it is, is laughter. We also see him get extremely anxious to the point of being physically unwell and spiral a little after Smerdyakov and Fyodor tell him to go to Cermašnja due to what the former told him, which made me go damn, no one died yet and he's already paranoid?. His emotional regulation is a mess and he's so real (and bipolar) for that.

Another quite important thing about bipolar disorder is that it makes every emotion more intense to the point of confusion and being all over the place, which causes a person with bipolar disorder's emotional responses and reactions to be the way they are. Now, I'm not proclaiming myself as the one and only True Ivan Karamazov Understander, but I do think people tend to focus too much on his façade of coldness and on the darker side of his story, causing them to forget about how actually fun, passionate and almost childish he is at times. Ivan feels, and he feels deeply, and it isn't fair to overlook that just because he rarely shows it. Extreme rationality and collectedness can often also be a way to try to gain control over your symptoms (I'm guilty of that). We get to see some of his less collected emotionality in how dramatic he gets (like a true Karamazov) when reciting poetry in German to Katerina and in The brothers get acquainted, Rebellion and The Grand Inquisitor, as I already mentioned. At this point of the novel, something in particular happens and at this point in the novel I decide that yes, Ivan is bipolar coded.

I think I'll stop here at this sort of "cliffhanger" because this got quite long and I need one post only to elaborate that last paragraph. This isn't as coherent as I hoped it would be and, honestly, I kind of feel stupid, like I read too much into this and am seeing things that aren't there (how familiar, how fitting), but I wanted to share my perspective (and I'm also open to discussion!). Also, I won't lie, Ivan is my favorite character of The Brothers Karamazov and I don't think he's talked about enough, I've even seen people say he's the least interesting one out of the brothers which kind of broke my heart because I personally think he's the most interesting (no shade to the uninteresting Ivan gang of course). I don't know if I feel like that towards him because for the first time ever I got to see myself in a character and it was very important to me, but I don't think it really matters, "meeting" him made me happy and he will always be special to me, even if his story has its fair share of tragedy. Or maybe because of it. I'm planning on making a post about that and his ending in particular, but for now I'll focus on finishing this bipolar Ivan Karamazov essay.

No idea when I'll write the rest though, but I will.

[slightlyaggressiveaffirmations]

So, Slightly Aggressive Affirmer, what's your whole deal?

Great question, Clive.

(Sorry, I thought you were some sort of chat show host called Clive. Let me readjust my worldview)

Great question, friends. Why did I write Aggressive Affirmations in a consistently reliable, ritual manner for 5 years and then stop doing it and constantly keep coming back and promising to start again and never making good on it?

Well. There are actually 3 answers to that question.

.

Answer #1

To begin with, let's reposition our worldview - just as we did with Clive. Now, let's change the way we see me, The Slightly Aggressive Affirmer. What if we put a new filter over me - we'll call it the "Autism Filter". I haven't got the money to go through the diagnosis process but it's looking pretty likely.

With that filter on, look again at my being absolutely focused on writing affirmations for 5 years and then stopping to suddenly focus obsessively on my research work for the next 2 or 3 - except for the two months I took off to sit on the porch every single day and write a medieval romance novel.

Now I want to get back into affirming again and I try to - I still feel it's important and I keep saying to myself I'll do it - but I just don't have that obsessive drive to do it anymore.

I think if we look at this with the autism filter, it starts to paint a pretty clear picture of what might be going on here...

.

Answer #2

It became more and more difficult, and more high stakes to write affirmations, as the number of followers kept growing. There are now 15000 - although who knows how many of you are still on Tumblr? But that's a lot of responsibility and it became very stressful to keep making sure SAAs are for everyone and that no one feels excluded by them (excepting people who should always be excluded, like Nazis). When it was just a few random people reading affirmations, it was much easier to chuck in a few and whatever. But the more the blog grew, the greater the stress.

.

Answer #3

I started writing Slightly Aggressive Affirmations for myself. I was the only one following the blog and it was set to send ME reminders of my own value - in the kind of aggressive language necessary to get through to me - because I was extremely low on confidence and needed real force to get it in to my head. But then things snowballed.

Thing is - I don't need them any more. It's harder to think of the kinds of things I should write, because I know longer need them myself. I have Slightly Aggressively Affirmed myself to a really great place, in terms of my self confidence and self love. I still have bipolar, and right now my life isn't going so great, so I get depressed but I do not believe fundamentally, at my core, that I am bullshit trash.

My primary emotion nowadays is possibly worse! I'm driven by anger a lot of the time - I've got a lot of deep rage, caused by long ago trauma. (I'm in therapy, don't worry). But I think most people would agree that I'm a fundamentally different person to who I was pre-pandemic. I'll tell you more about it some time. But I am drastically different - and definitely more than SLIGHTLY aggressive most of the time.

.

In conclusion, I believe affirming used to be an autistic special interest of mine and now it is not - but I'd love to make it one again! Especially now my two-year long, 65 000 word research project is finished. But it's much harder to get back to where I was, because the number of followers I have now is different, Tumblr is different and I am hugely different as a person.

Thankyou for reading this short essay/memoir. I'll see what I can do about a little affirming tomorrow.

Always remember that YOU MATTER!!! YOU ARE IMPORTANT!!! YOU ARE THE ONLY FUCKING YOU IN THE WHOLE DAMN WORLD!!! THINK ABOUT HOW FUCKING MAGICAL THAT IS!!!

[xxgoblin-dumplingxx]

What led to scruffy!Reader's bipolar diagnosis? Any specific event that happened ?

"Oracle?"

"What's up?" Babs asked half turning in her chair to look at him, "Can you pull up Y/N's location?"

"Why?" she asked, already typing.

"I- we- I just want to know where she is. She was pretty mad at me when she left my apartment and she won't pick up the phone."

"Jason."

"Please?" It's how small his voice is that does it. How unnerved he looks. You always answer- even if it's a text to ask him what the fuck he wants.

Barbara starts typing, tracking where you'd been through places that your phone had pinged and frowned. "Over on 82nd... Looks like an Alley?"

"That's not- it's 4am," Jason said, "God-"

"I'll start calling hospitals," Barbara said. "I'm sure it's not-"

"She told me she wasn't on drugs," he said, his voice hardly a whisper. "She told me-"

"It might not BE that," Barbara reminded him. "She could have lost her phone, or it was taken."

Jason shook his head and turned, going to see if anyone would help him look for you. In his mind's eye he could see you. Talking a mile a minute. Like you couldn't keep up with the thoughts in his head. Everything was rushed. Some of it was just straight-up delusional, telling him that you were going to find god but you had to sell your guitar for a bus ticket? Because you had to go to Tacoma? And then telling him God wasn't real but you still had to look because it was the only way to finish school? And then asking him to take you to get ice cream. He couldn't even REMEMBER all the things you said. But he could remember the fury. How Angry you got when he asked you what you took. And it made his stomach turn.

_____________

When the nurse came back to the desk, Jason bolted to his feet and Bruce put a hand on his shoulder to steady him, "Is she-"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Wayne," she said, "She said she doesn't want to see anyone."

"But-" Jason started to protest. You had to see him. He had to talk to you. He had to know.

The nurse could only shake her head, "She was adamant," the woman said.

Bruce nodded, "Can you at least tell us she's okay?"

The nurse weighed her options and held up a finger, gesturing for them to wait before pulling a file and rifling through it quickly. "There's a release form in here for Jason-"

"That's me," Jason blurted, "Can you- what even happened how-"

The nurse sighed, "Someone called dispatch about a woman walking barefoot by the side of the road in shorts and a t-shirt. Said she was really friendly, just said she was lost and not sure how to get home. Her feet were pretty cut up. And it was cold out. So a beat cop picked her up and dropped her off at General. She was delusional and exhausted. Dehydrated. And so they put her on a 72-hour hold."

"Jesus," Jason breathed.

"But," the nurse said, "She IS safe. And she's gotten a little sleep."

"Will you tell her," Jason exhaled slowly, "Tell her I'll be here to take her home?"

The nurse smiled a little. Placating him. "Of course."

And Jason nods, turning and walking out the doors, leaving Bruce to smooth things over. To tell the nurse to call him directly if there was anything you needed. Because Jason can't breathe. He can't think. He feels like he's gonna be sick.

You needed him. You came to him because you were struggling. And he basically just... Shut you out.

"Jason," Bruce said softly, "You couldn't have-"

"I could have not accused her of being high," Jason snorted. "I could have helped-"

"You don't know that," Bruce said carefully. "Just- wait until you talk to her?"

"Yeah," Jason sighed. "Probably a good idea... What the fuck happened to her shoes? She was wearing shoes when left."

[ourghoststories]

I was losing my mind, I couldn't cope with the loud noises of the crew drill outside and around the ship going on.

I was on a carrier ship and it made me feel anxious, I thought I started hearing the voices of everyone in my past who had kept me control under HYDRA.

The avengers carrier was what I was on and it was in the ocean, I was with Bucky on the Ship and I needed to find him before I had a panic attack.

Sweat beaded my forehead as it intensified, he was on the same floor as me, I just had to make it down to his room.

Finally I made it down the ship to his room, but he hadn't answered, dang it, he would've been in the training room, working on his form for fighting, the drill was probably getting to him too.

I walked to the lift and took it up two floors, with the sirens still blaring so I felt woozy, I took a minute, before I got off the lift, but by that time it started to head up to the cafeteria.

Lucky it did because Bucky walked in and saw me "hey y/n what are you- oh shit doll you aren't doing too well and look like you're struggling with the drill" he said with a concerned tone.

"Hey, look at me, you're doing fine, you just need to look at me and breathe" he said softly, pulling me into a hug.

"I- i- Bucky, I'm having a panic attack" I breathed rapidly, feeling the panic take over.

I blanked out.

--

"It's gonna be okay, it usually happens to me but I've learnt to get used to it. I know what you're going through Doll, just trust me and try to breathe. In... And out... See like this" he explained, motioning to his chest when he was breathing.

I tried breathing in and out but the panic was still overtaking me, my eyes filled with tears and I hugged him but pulled back "I'm sorry Buck" I cried.

"Hey, calm down... I know it's hard but you can do this. If I can, you can. I promise. Cross my fingers and pinky swear" he smiled softly.

My breath hitched in my throat, the alarm subsided and I felt like I could calm down, it had me exhausted as I used up so much energy having the panic attack, Bucky knew how to help me.

"Let's go to your room, how are you feeling?" He ushered before taking me to my room.

"Don't worry, we'll be docking soon and we can get off for some quiet time, before they send us on our upcoming mission. I think you should take it easy for the next day, keep a low profile" he smiled, patting me on the back.

I planted a kiss on his cheek, he looked a bit shocked but overall grateful "thanks Bucky, I really appreciate your help. You know how hard it's been lately... I've been struggling to sleep, been hearing voices, having flashbacks. It's been awful. But you've been helping me through" I smiled.

"Hey it's gonna be okay, I'm going through the same stuff, I can barely get through a night without having a night terror, I wake up sweating and struggle. You've seen me up at ridiculous hours of the night, I can't stop shaking." He gulped, looking at the group and shaking his head solemnly.

"Hey Bucky, stop being so hard on yourself" I reassured, I cupped his chin with my hands, before slowly and deeply kissing him, trying to make him feel better like he made me feel.

"I didn't know that's what you were going to do, please do it again. I love the feeling of your lips on mine y/n" he smiled, I hadn't seen him smile like that before.

"Wow, I didn't actually think you liked me back like that" I said, unknowingly.

"You bet I do, I have for a while y/n, I just didn't expect you to feel the same about an old guy like me" he said in a more serious tone.

"Old guy, please Bucky- I like you for you" I quipped back.

He cocked his eyebrow up, as if to say he didn't believe me "do I have to prove it to you super soldier?" I laughed, reminiscing about old times.

"Hmm I'll get back to you on that one" he laughed, pulling me into another hug and returning a kiss on the cheek.

A/N----

Hey guys here's another story, one that I've written due to my recent Bipolar diagnosis which has been making things hard with my CPTSD lately, thanks for reading and being supportive

[enberlight]

Does anyone know? Could my vitamin D & iron deficiency have caused the 20 years of crippling pain I had before taking a multivitamin +4k iu/day of D?

Without vitamins, I'm short of breath after minor daily activity, inflamed, aching to my BONES, stiff, and my colon is ON FIRE and, to be blunt, not cooperating.

But blood tests have NEVER spotted low iron & low D is "new" within the last 3 years. I've been trying to chase this down since 2000 ish, my energy took a nosedive after I tore my meniscus in 1998 and developed tendinitis after. And I've gradually been collecting more inflammatory issues since.

"Chronic Fatigue" was a new term around then and one they didn't want to diagnose me with, they just shrugged when I didn't line up perfectly with Rheumatoid Arthritis or Fibromyalgia. I ticked a lot of the boxes, but didn't go past the "threshold for diagnosis." They were just like, eat right and take your antidepressants.

That's never been enough. But going on a multivitamin (WITH IRON) seems to have been the tipping point. The high doses of D helped (50k iu/week wore off in 3 days, so I took 4k a day and WOW hi awake now), but I was still getting anemia and fatigue and constant soft tissue and tendon pain.

Those nearly disappeared until the doc took me off vitamins for surgery prep :\ Now OMG I'M ON FIRE AND STIFF AGAIN.

It would honestly be nice, in a way, if most of my chronic pain, inflammation, and fatigue turns out to be "you just need vitamins & sleep, let's fix your sinuses, here's a pill."

But it will be UNSATISFYING after a flare up & $$$$ bill

(uterus is still trying to kill me, the vitamins didn't tame it.)

For extra context, because who knows what counts? Maybe y'all do, the docs don't... Anyway. My fingernails have minor ridges along the length, and twist a bit (they look like broad side-bent shovels if I let them grow out). And I have tinnitis, chronic depression, anxiety, ADHD, possibly autistic and bipolar. And was super flexible til all this inflammation turned me into a board. (Not double jointed or anything though.) Just uh. Hi Chronic Illness Tumblr, you know more than Google. Help? XD Thyroid checks out fine, btw, but my liver and kidneys are sus.

[fadeintocase]

so essentially, if a well-off person tells the internet of their psychiatric diagnosis, all it means is that they’re the “right” kind of person who ticks all the right boxes, with the cash to get treatment. whatever “problems” they claim to have are in all likelihood self-inflicted and you’re looking a Munchausen’s case who is fishing for sympathy. no wonder these days those PMC types have some diagnosis or other. like “you’re bipolar? sure, whatever you say susan. now stop drinking sugar water”

yeah like i really don't care about the emotional internal justification of PMC office worker types who cuss out target employees on their shopping stop on the way home and i think no matter their diagnosis they shouldn't use it as an outward justification for shit they are doing on their own volition.

And yeah if you've gotten a psychiatric diagnosis i'm glad you have access to the infrastructure you need to have those solutions available. and i'm glad that you got the luck of the draw well enough to be born in the right place in the right time in the right community to have access to that privilege. I hope it has helped you find ways to adjust and adapt to your situation.

The paragraph you're focusing on is me talking about mental illness tiktok, which is like notoriously fucking horrid for misinformation about psychiatry because it's flooded with misconceptions from teenagers. There absolutely are kids try to put on mental illnesses as personality traits. I grew up in the fucking "welcome to my twisted mind, i'm so demented" myspace era, that's not new like at all.

If you want to ignore the paragraph before which starts with "mental illnesses and their diagnoses are real and important", that's on you. If you want to conflate that with all the other ways i say environmental and class-relevant factors introduce REAL pressures that exacerbate any kind of poor mental health, that's on you. If you want to fucking broadcast your fuckin medical records and diagnoses to the broad, public, social media part of the internet that's also on you I guess.

If you took the idea that i think mental illness is all "self inflicted" when i painstakingly described how environmental, social, cultural, and economic factors keep people from being physically and mentally healthy, and how this ultimately requires more systemic changes, then i think you're just irritable and cranky and i think you may be less cranky if you drank less sugar water.

[shapemydestiny]

2022 - 2023

Holy crap has It been a long time since i've journaled.... Looking back it's weird to think how much things have yet haven't changed since my last post.

Last time I posted, the pandemic was still pretty much a thing If I recall correctly. Honestly the last few years have kind of blurred together. I didn't end up seeing a new therapist. I might've had one session with her, but went back to my other one.

My First Job

In Spring of 2022, I landed my first software engineering job. It was at a healthcare SaaS startup and I was the second engineer to be hired. The other engineer was working part time, and went working full time the same day I started. I learned a good amount from this job, but overtime didn't like the structure and leadership of my boss. Yelling at you for being slow to help him on your day off when you're not even on call, getting mad for not violating a government's TOS for their API, and having no problem with questionably obtained software, not taking cybersecurity concerns seriously, etc. I was fired in February of 2024. That's a story for later.

Social Life

I believe in fall of 2021, I joined a discord server that I found on reddit. We all are part of a group of degenerates who's special interest is too taboo to disclose publicly... even in an anonymous journal. I've really made some good friends that I talk to every single day.

Honestly 2022 was pretty uneventful if I can recall back that far other than me getting my first job. I spent a lot of time with an online friend "X" helping with his emotional issues and he was very emotionally abusive, which got worse over time.

Things seemed to have gotten better towards the end of the year. I wanted to go to Disney World and I wanted to go before Splash Mountain closed in January 😭. He said he was going to pay for his ticket, but never paid me back. He threatened to leave me at Disney because he was always drunk when he said he wouldn't drink. Honestly the entire trip was a hot mess. I had fun on the rides, but really wish I went with someone else... I finally cut ties with X towards the end of 2023 or at the beginning of 2024.

Long Term COVID

After coming back, I got long term COVID, causing me to have horrible brain fog, fatigue, etc. It made it really hard to work and I nearly went on disability after talking with my therapist. However, my work was being aggressive with me going on disability, despite them paying into it. They would only pay for one month of COBRA and that would be it, and it sounded like they'd only let me take a month of disability. Well considering that they had "unlimited" PTO I just took more PTO time - I was trying to save them having to pay my salary during this time, their loss. To be honest it really never got better. I continued to have brain fog through the rest of the year and still do to a certain extent.

Mental and Physical Health

Honestly, my mental health and processing never truly got better after long term covid, it only got better than the beginning. I felt guilty spending so much of my time gaming with my online friend Eli, but I honestly didn't have the mental capacity to work at a higher amount than I was doing. Honestly, keeping a stable 40 hour job is something that gives me a LOT of anxiety. It's not that i'm choosing to be lazy or not want to work, it's that I don't have the focus or cognitive energy to give that time commitment. It makes me feel really shitty saying that. After all I am physically not disabled, and people have it way worse than I do. I don't want to be a burden but I feel like such a piece of shit for having the privileged life I do but still struggle. First world problems am I right?

As far as I've been told my diagnosis are BED, ADHD, bipolar type II, OCD, social anxiety, general anxiety. Turns out I also have high cholesterol, am pre-diabetic and have sleep apena. That's been fun 😡.

[the-blog-of-a-bipolar-autistic]

A Proper Introduction

4-4-2024

My name is Lavender. I am 20 years old and obviously I have bipolar 2 and autism. A few other things I have been diagnosed with are:

Insomnia

Anxiety

Basic learning disability (Math >:P)

PCOS

Metartarsalgia in both feet

Yes, My math is so horrendous I legitimately have a diagnosis for it.. Anyways about the last one, I am going to the doctor on the 18th to talk about it more. Last time I went she sent me to a podiatrist who just laughed and said I have tightness in my calves and gave me a prescription that did nothing. About the pain it isn't just an "oh my feet are sore" It's more of a "Holy shit I am walking on broken shards of bone and my legs are going to give up on me if I don't sit down on this grocery store floor right the fuck now." So with the encouragement of my boyfriend I am going to buy a walker! I am hoping the doctor will give me help making my insurance pay for one but if not I already have my eyes on one from Amazon. ^^ In that walker I need a seat and 4 wheels. I don't have the arm strength to constantly hold up the end of a walker to be able to push it freely, and my legs get so weak that I need to sit down at times. If my insurance won't cover it I will just make do with the one from Amazon. I have been using a cane for a couple of years now but it just doesn't work for me. Sure, the pain doesn't come in as quick, but it also doesn't do anything for when it comes. I need to be able to put my weight evenly down onto something and a cane only provides weight for one foot. It sucks because I am a 20 year old who is going to have to start frequently using a walker but hey that's my life I guess. I just want to say that if you need an accommodation then you should fight for it if needed. It took me a lot of fighting just to get a cane. I had to go to my dad in Georgia and tell him about my pain just to get one. Nothing against my mother and step-dad they just don't experience as much pain as me and my dad do. At least they don't care about it like we do. My dad and I bond over our pains a lot. He was in a high speed motorcycle crash so he gets it. (For context; he crashed into a parked car.. He calls it his "parking accident") He has a TBI and monthly goes to a pain doctor. He has always been my #1 advocate for getting proper medical equipment. One of his first comments when I told him I wanted to get a walker was "Your Gumpa (my grandpa) wants one too. I wish I had the money to send to you both so you could both have one." I turned it down of course because I know he can't afford it but god I fucking love my dad. Changing topics I think they took off my depression diagnosis with my bipolar diagnosis? I swear I was diagnosed with depression because my doctor sent out letters to all of my teachers which lead to the great line one of my teachers wrote down on a medical paper: "I don't believe [he] is depressed. I just believe [he] is lazy." That teacher was fucking bat shit. He literally banned my from PAPER and PENCILS in his class because he didn't want me drawing in his class. I also speculate I may have some sort of schizophrenia/delusions but I am too scared to bring that up to a doctor so I will just wait until I finally get a new therapist. Speaking of therapists, calling my insurance about getting a new therapist? Did nothing. They gave me several numbers.

first one, a grief councilor who doesn't even take our insurance.

second one, doesn't take our insurance and never has.

third one, doesn't take our insurance but has in the past.

fourth one, never has and never will take our insurance.

So, I have given up on looking for a therapist through my insurance.

My mom thought she found a good therapist for me at one point I just "had to wait a few months before they started to take our insurance" to quote the lady over the phone. I waited 4 months. They never went through with that. I never got that therapist. I struggle with lots of mental health problems. Some, through genetics, some through sheer luck, and other's through trauma. Most of which are undiagnosed. I can't really go up to a doctor and say "Yeah doc, people talk to me in my head and on top of that, my name isn't even [Lavender] It's actually Micheal!" That's how I end up in a psych ward. I don't want to be in a psych ward. I won't delve too much into that in this blog however. I don't feel like being posted to FDC.. I'm starting to realize it doesn't matter too much because I am 20 and planning on using a walker. They would eat that up. Also, I have already been posted there.. so what's the worst that could happen? They find my tumblr blog too? Come at me for having an alter of Valentino again? Weh weh. Fuck it. Back to my legs; it's weird. I used to be able to walk for literal miles with little pain then it just started getting worse and worse. It sucks. I can barely walk around a store anymore without severe pain. I want to believe that I don't really need a walker but I know I do. Anyways if Tumblr has a word limit I feel like I'm reaching it so I'll end it here. If you read this far; welcome to the blog? Bleh ending these things are hard so I'll just stop typing. >:P

[just-your-average-tangerine]

This is going to be long, I apologize in advance.

I'd say my experience started when I was just out of high school (18-19 years old). My mom was working as a bouncer at a lesbian bar, her shift would end around 11pm, and she'd stay and drink until the bar closed, then call me to come pick her up. By the time I'd get there, she'd be waiting out front with several of her friends who were regulars at the bar. These friends (the youngest of whom was 38, the others all in their 50s) had a running bet on which one of them would be the first to "have" me and how many it would take to "make a good lesbian out of me" the 38 year old even offered that if my mother would get me to marry her she would "fix me" and "make sure I stayed a woman".

Before starting t I was told over and over again by a variety of people, including other queer people and even other trans people, that I shouldn't go on t, or I shouldn't want to go on t because it was bound to turn me into a monster or a rapist.

In an intake interview to get in to see a gender therapist to get my letter to start t. The therapist, who very clearly lacked even basic trans competency, diagnosed me with bipolar disorder, based on a bad reaction I'd had to a medication that subsequent doctors agreed I should never have been prescribed in the first place, 4 years earlier. This diagnosis was used to delay my appointment with the gender therapist until I had a minimum of 8 weeks with a different therapist, I don't believe this diagnosis is accurate, and I suspect it was to delay my transition.

When I started testosterone, the physicians assistant that was supposed to show me how to do the injection refused to do so, claiming that if I didn't already understand how to self administer an intramuscular injection then I clearly was not competent to be making this decision. The only thing she did tell me was that I didn't need to measure a dose because each vial was one dose. As I'm sure anyone on injectable testosterone knows, that is absolutely not accurate. This led to my t levels being way too high. Before that test came back, the doctor took me off t because I'd gained weight (~7 pounds, a perfectly reasonable amount for the first 8 weeks on t). Then, once my hormone test came back showing such high levels, all my future appointments were canceled, and I was told testosterone was clearly not a viable option for me. Luckily, a friend of mine urged me to get a second opinion, and I've been safely on t for 2 years.

Shortly after starting t, a trans fem nonbinary person who I had considered a friend prior to this, called me in the middle of the night claiming to need help. I went to their house immediately and discovered they'd lied about needing help. It turned out that they'd seen me post on Instagram earlier, and based on the post, they assumed that I was drunk and would be easier to take advantage of. They spent an hour or so telling me how it's such a shame I'm a man and I would be so much better off being nonbinary because they "don't like men but they like me". They then asked if they could practice knot tying on me, I agreed, and they bound my hands together, pushed me back on the couch, climbed on top of me, and said I should "just let them fuck the man out of me".

Ive sat through trans support groups where it was explained that trans men shouldn't want to be men but since we are we have a responsibility to be good allies to women by never going out in public after dark, never speaking to women in public, etc. Because it could be taken as a threat. I've sat through trans support groups in which it was explained that because all fetuses initially develop as female, that trans femininity is a developmental issue, but trans masculinity is a mental illness, and therefore it makes sense that I'm both trans and autistic because "all trans men are retards". I've sat through trans social groups where one person explained to another that "t boys make the best fuck dolls and you don't even have to treat them like people".

I tried to join a queer mens group and was told that it's for queer men, not "delusional little girls."

My mothers believe I was manipulated into thinking I'm trans (and gay) because the lgbt center I went to "hates lesbians"

I could probably go on but this is long enough as is.

❗️❗️ This is asked entirely in good faith. This post is intended to open dialogue and help with solidarity and understanding. ❗️❗️

I would like to hear specifically from trans men and trans mascs how the system of [whatever the fuck you call the intersection of transphobia, misogyny, and specifically your gender- whether transandrophobia, isomisogny, antitransmasculinity, transandromisia, transmisandry, or any that I have missed as there are a lot of words to describe similar concepts] uniquely targets and affects you. Things that you feel other demographics do not experience. Reblogs and replies are very encouraged! If you would prefer, you could dm or send an ask to be added anonymously by me.

This is in the spirit of wanting to understand. I am listening. I encourage all non-trans-mascs to not speak on this topic and let trans mascs and trans men do the talking here. Reblog the post to spread it, but please say nothing.

Any and all people who identify as trans men and/or trans mascs are encouraged to participate.

This is not bait to start a fight. I will block without hesitation anyone who is actively being a shithead on this post. I want to hear and uplift your voices by getting it directly from you.

Click this to access the trans fem and trans women version of this post.

[buddyapologist]

just ranting about ableism and such <3

i have this thing where i Have to see the sides of every issue even when one side is absolutely reprehensible, not in terms of justification but in terms of working backwards to see how someone could come to this reprehensible conclusion, because it's grotesquely fascinating to me how people can start from a relatively milquetoast point A and end up at some disgustingly bigoted horrible point Z. anyway it isn't bigotry but the way "both sides" (if there even are only 2) treat the argument of "mental illness as an excuse" is so fucking frustrating because i can see exactly where people come from and exactly which conclusions make sense and which ones are absolutely bonkers.

mental illness can cause serious disruptions in someone's life in ways that might hurt them and/or other people, but neurotypical people will also accidentally hurt themselves and/or other people. it changes how we perceive the world and our relationships with others and that can make us act based on a perspective that isn't always based on reality. it can make us behave erratically, lash out over what seems like nothing, be terrified of things that don't seem like they should be terrifying, completely shut down and withdraw from stressful situations. neurotypical people will also sometimes do this. to paraphrase another tumblr user, neurodivergence/mental illness is not "traits that only we have and nobody else", it's when certain traits are exaggerated to the point that it interferes with your life.

it really really really fucking frustrates me when random people will allegedly pin their really shitty behavior on addiction and mental illness. because yes, those things can make us do awful stuff! i have done horrible shit while i was addicted and when i was in bad spaces mentally. but every time someone is like "sorry for being racist i have anxiety" it adds to reasons our debilitating disorders don't get taken seriously. you can just be sorry. i'm so fucking sick of people who get called out for being predators or bigots or scammers or just huge assholes and they throw us under the bus in some attempt to excuse their bullshit when it literally never does, it just makes us look worse. a certain celebrity who i won't name apparently has bipolar disorder and is also a raging antisemite. those two things are not related! there are tons of people with bipolar disorder who are NOT raging antisemites!

and these fucking bullshit notes app apologies are SO different from like, apologizing to your friend. if you're a dick to your friend bc of some aspect of your illness and they call you on it it totally makes sense to go "i'm sorry i behaved that way, sometimes having x disorder makes me act a certain way and i'm sorry i took that out on you, i'll do better next time". bc that's NEVER how shitty scammer racist influencers phrase it. they think that they can pass off their bullshit by claiming that they're mentally ill and that makes it okay. neurotypicals will go off with their usual chant of "mental illness is an explanation but not an excuse" and "mental illness is your responsibility" and those aren't even incorrect but i'm so fucking sick of it because WE KNOW. NEURODIVERGENT PEOPLE KNOW THIS. the only people who act like that are people who use our very real very serious conditions that have MORTALITY RATES to try to pass off their behavior. nobody is breaking any new fucking ground when they say this shit. it's the same thing over and over and over again and it's so fucking exhausting as a neurodivergent person whose mental problems have severely fucked with their life and their relationships.

and then neurodivergent people who give them the benefit of the doubt may be like "you're gatekeeping mental illness by saying that these people don't have it" but the thing is, yeah maybe they do actually have it, but i don't care. i do not fucking care. i don't care if racist youtuber #2846 has every diagnosis under the sun, it has no business being in some half assed apology their manager made them post because being racist or any other shitty thing is separate. and i do genuinely understand why people will get mad about people like me saying this stuff, bc a lot of neurodivergent people deal with medical gatekeeping and aren't given proper help or diagnoses bc of poverty or gender or race or just the environment they're in, and that does suck. but i'm not talking about those people. i'm talking about dipshits who try to use it as an excuse while definitely knowing nobody will let them off the hook if they blame depression or whatever. literally all it does is make us look worse.

this is an extremely long rant that nobody will read, i just had to get it out of me before i explode <3

[20dollarlolita]

Okay, I'm still a little bit nostalgic, so let's go into the first six coord pictures I found on my long trip through my 2011 facebook and tumblr.

This is Alice in the Ribbon Kingdom OP, which was my first main dress piece I bought. Those socks are actually gray, and those shoes are jelly peep-toe flats that were so small that my heels were hanging off the end. This is definitely the earliest coord pic I have because it was from before there was the giant mirror at the end of the hallway that everyone knows me for now.

I think everyone has a picture of their "i bought the dress and had no accessories at all" coord. This was mine. You can't see my hair but I took the neck brooch off the dress and bobby pinned it into my hair.

Coord rating: 4/10, nice dress and nothing else works, please step away from the cat litter box.

I definitely wore this outfit and called it lolita. The picture I posted of it is a dead link but my friend drew Equius in the same outfit I was wearing. That's a handmade skirt and then a t-shirt with Portal and the TARDIS on it, a headbow I strip-quilted with random fabric, and then some navy blue knee socks. I do not remember the conversation that happened to make this picture happen.

Coord rating 6/10: that's not how casual lolita works but A for effort.

This was my first Bodyline dress, and I'd gotten it that day, and hadn't pressed it. Those are some factory creases in there. That blouse is just a normal pointed collar blouse that I think I borrowed from my mom. Once again, we have me pinning the detachable bows into my hair. It took me years to get out of this habit. That dress was also the first lolita piece that I sold, and I wish I could get it again. I wanted a piano lolita dress from the first second I had a piano lolita dress.

Those white socks I later sewed lace to the top of, and they're still in my wardrobe and are frequently used in current coords.

I wore this to my lolita mentor's house because I was going to buy something from her. I don't remember if it was my Shirring Princess OP or if it was a blouse+petticoat+ear muff+socks combo that I later bought, but I know I was going to her house to buy something from her.

Coord rating: unable to rate because I fear the consequence of breaking eye contact with the face I'm making at the camera.

And I know that because this is the Shirring Princess, socks, blouse, petticoat, and earmuff combo that I bought from my mentor. I was so lucky to have someone who was experienced in the fashion available to help me when I was new to this. She also was selling a lot of her stuff because IIRC she was in a bit of a financial pinch. It wasn't really cold enough for earmuffs but I wanted to wear them anyway because I didn't own any hair accessories at all.

Those are my Bodyline tea parties that I've currently painted gold and made into the world's most dangerous quad skates. Those

mental health discussion cw for the rest of this post.

This picture is really weird to me because it's the last picture that I uploaded online before my bipolar diagnosis. I got diagnosed with bipolar following a quite spectacular almost-term of college with an increasingly bad major depressive episode. So I look really weird to myself here, because this was the start of like, days at a time where I wasn't able to be happy and couldn't understand why. I spent this entire winter break thinking that if I could just get back to school then things would feel better, which. They didn't. I know that I bring up my mental health any time that I start talking about early lolita me, but that's because the main reason I fully committed to owning and making lolita is really connected to this major depressive episode.

I remember wearing this exact coord again at school, but I wore the socks over white tights because I had self-harm marks on my legs that I didn't want people to see.

Coord rating 8/10: It's got most of the right things but also it's basically an entire outfit I bought from someone else.

So near the end of that term, I was determined to be a hazard to myself or others and was ejected from housing, which was also its own whole mess (I can tell the story of the head of housing being told to put a 20-year-old girl on suicide watch and her deciding to just leave said girl with a group of people she didn't know and tell them to watch her because head of housing decided to do something else, but we can save that for later).

Anyway, when you're super fucking depressed and your entire life has flipped upside-down and you've been massively cycling because you've got bipolar and someone's put you on SSRIs, sometimes you pick a thing to obsess over. And I picked lolita fashion. A nice lady at my church gave me huge piles of random scrap fabric, and I just started making things. I still have that blouse. It's basically a dickey with sleeves, because I ran out of fabric and decided it wouldn't matter if I only wore it under JSKs. That bodice is just elastic bobbin shirring done super close together, so it doesn't look very mainstream lolita at all. Looking at that skirt, I think I made that skirt out of the very first Scottish Games skirt that my mom made me when I was like 7.

This picture is really weird to me because I had completely forgotten about this dress ever existing until I found it earlier today. This is also one of the first selfies I can find that was in this mirror at the end of the hall. I still take pictures at this mirror.

Coord rating 6/10: not bad for a handmade coord but baby me wasn't really sure what a substyle was. If I'd tried to commit to styling it classic or something, it could probably work. Nice hat.

I've mentioned this before but this picture is a big deal for me because it was taken at my job/"job", which meant I was considered stable enough that I was allowed to drive my truck again. It wasn't really a job as much as my parents church taking pity on me and allowing me to "be the receptionist" on the church secretary's day off. This was the church where as a child I was banned from talking about oreos.

I found that blouse at a thrift store and it was too small but it had a rounded collar, so it was the only black blouse that I had for probably years. I made the skirt based off the Innocent World Juno skirt without me really having an understanding of why that skirt is shaped the way it is. That hair brooch is from the Dollar Tree and I was so excited when I found it because I thought it was the most lolita thing I'd ever seen at the Dollar Tree.

At this point in time, I was making maybe one thing from my sewing stash fabric about every three or four days. The petticoat I was wearing with this was a completely new petticoat that I made out of pink organza. I'd also done a skirt completely covered in rick rack which I do not have a picture of. I was basically making things because if I stopped making things then I'd feel worse than when I was making things.

I had also stopped wearing my BtSSB dress by this point because I had some disordered eating stuff going on and the fact that the zipper was a little bit tight somehow mathed out in my head to be about worth as a human.

Coord rating 7/10: technically checks all the boxes but CAN WE PLEASE BUY SOME LACE

While I was in college at that last term, I found this bodyline blouse at a record store (for some reason??), and the high waist means I could wear it with my weirdly short blouse I made. I owned three blouses at this point: this one, the too-small black one, and the long-sleeved pink one. That was my blouse collection for way too long, because I just never bought blouses. The slouch boots are an interesting addition to this. That headbow was the other Dollar Tree hair brooch that I got the same time I bought the black one.

If you've been following along you're going to notice how bad I used to be about not wearing any jewelry. I'm still pretty light on the jewelry but at least I wear it now.

I assume that the yellow thing there with the green crepe back satin ruffle is somehow related to the purple skirt with the ruffle made of the same green crepeback satin, but I have no idea what's going on with it.

I do remember taking this picture at like 2:30AM. I don't remember why I was taking this picture at like 2:30 AM. I think it's because I'd just cut my bangs and I wanted to do a whole look to show it off? I'm pretty sure this was right about when I started cutting my own bangs and just pretending it was fine however they came out. This is different from how I do it now because now I cut my own bangs and then panic when they are not fine however I tried to cut them.

Coord rating: 6/10 can we please match the shoes and headbow, but yeah I guess it checks all the boxes or something?

.

Overall analysis: Okay, so the first thing that past me needed (wardrobe terms, not in terms of psychiatric care) was to actually get way more hair accessories. All of these really show a lack of committment to my hair department. I think at the time, I really didn't know how to coordinate pink hair.

I did the same thing that I currently do, which I need to stop doing, which is buying big pieces like dresses and skirts and then just not having any blouses and headbows and socks. But this habit really, really held me back in my early lolita days.

The biggest thing for me in terms of handmade lolita was that I had a really good petticoat, and that helps make even my less good coordinates and pieces read like they're much better than they are.

That said, I was just dressing in a way that felt better than not getting dressed at all. This last picture wasn't even four months after the initial nadir of the major depressive episode, and I wasn't going to be determined to be able to go back to school for a few months after that. This was basically the only part of my life that I had complete control over and I decided that this was the thing I cared about.

Because of that, it took me a really long time to start focusing on some of the really detailed elements of lolita, making things balanced and pretty. I was basically just throwing anything that I could find together and call lolita.

Anyway, I was talking earlier about how you get good at drawing by doing a lot of sketches and not caring too hard if they're the best thing you'll ever draw? I think that's what I did in my first year of lolita. I just put things together. They weren't good. The vast majority of the pieces up there I either no longer have or no longer wear. But I figured out some stuff. Other stuff took way longer to figure out, but I did get some stuff figured out.

Anyway, to anyone who is feeling like they're not experienced in lolita, here's an entire year of me figuring stuff out. The 2013-2014 collection of lolita fashion that I have is also not great, so we can check that out if we want, too. I'm still figuring things out. I don't think I'll ever not be figuring things out.

Also here's a quick glimpse at how good cell phone cameras used to not be. (I've actually adjusted the white balance in all these, so the original pictures were worse)

[redlightofdawn]

Adapting your house to make shit easier for you isn't "extreme", it's something everyone, regardless of their neurological status, should do. It is the kind of thing anyone with the smallest amount of awareness and training in psychology should praise. People shit on Marie Condo, but her approach to your living space being something that works for you and makes you happy is leagues above calling adaptations that make your life easier "extreme".

Every time I hear about ADHD "overdiagnosis" I want to punch something. Even if that was the case, the onus would be on therapists and neuropsychologists to be careful scoring evaluations - and never on a person who came up to such a professional for help. People don't have the time or money to go to a mental health specialist willy nilly. If they come up to you, they are struggling, and it is your duty to help them with that. Maybe it's not ADHD, maybe it's something else, but you have to do due diligence.

A (cis woman) friend recently - after literal decades of struggle - decided to investigate the possibility of ADHD and scheduled an appointment with a self-identified ADHD specialist.

Said specialist heard her for less than a minute and then proceeded to go on a rant about overdiagnosis and young people "doping themselves up" with Ritalin, and prescribed three different medications to treat bipolar. Friend left the consult crying her fucking heart out and feeling like shit.

Being a psychologist myself with experience in diagnosis and all of that, I insisted she should see a trustworthy neuropsychologist for a proper eval. Eventually she agreed - she was very traumatized by the so called specialist, I really don't blame for being resistant.

Now, lemme take a moment to talk about friend. She's in her thirties, did reasonably ok in highschool, then enrolled into uni twice, for different things, but did not manage to finish either, mostly for a lack of handing in work. Which she always planned down to a t, started, and never managed to finish on time. Friend is also extremely intelligent, despite her own perception of being 'stupid'. She is the most knowledgeable person I know on several extremely complex topics, all through her own studying and interest (her special interests are cosmetics, aesthetics and skincare. She reads biochemistry papers for fun without having never formally studied that beyond a highschool level, and her understanding of them always surprises me since she is technically a layman and reading scientific papers is not a skill just everybody has). As a special sprinkle on top, all our friend group is neurodiverse and she has relatives on her mother's side with diagnosed ADHD. Oh, and as a kid, she was diagnosed with hearing issues, though when she took the test again as an adult, she turned out to have above average hearing.

I feel y'all can tell where this is going.

This textbook case of ADHD in women of a person came out the other end of her neuropsych evaluation with a diagnosis of severe combined ADHD, with above average intelligence. The graph version of her screening results looks like a textbook picture of what ADHD does to your executive function, attention, memory, etc, like. I've done positive ADHD evals - including one for a kid so hyperactive he managed to *fall off his chair* while taking a simple multichoice test - but never seen such "perfectly ADHD" testing myself.

And she was turned away by a 'specialist' and told to take lithium because 'ADHD is overdiagnosed and people just want drugs'.

So, I had an hour of psychoeducation about ADHD and ADD. I don’t have either (I’ve been tested, and I’m very inattentive but nothing else) but the group is mixed and has some people with ADHD in it. And obviously, an hour can only give a short introduction to the topic, and the therapist said so, but I’m still PISSED OFF.

Because when we talked about diagnoses and stuff, she said, repeatedly, that it was overdiagnosed, and it was me pointing out that it might be overdiagnosed IN BOYS but it’s definitely underdiagnosed in girls and women that got her to correct what she was saying. Btw, the group consisted, if I remember correctly, of two men, one nb person, and about 8-9 women.

Then we came to collecting ideas about what can help dealing with ADHD. I read @thebibliosphere, so I had some ideas, but apparently removing the doors to your kitchen cabinets is “a bit extreme”. And the most important is “planning and organizing”. Now I’m not an expert, but I believe that if they were able to plan and organize, they wouldn’t have ADHD.

Anyway, I’m fine, I’m just pissed off on other people’s behalf. But I’m kinda concerned for the people in this program who do have ADHD.

[compassionatereminders]

hello Kat! first of all I want to put a disclaimer that this ask will be about psychiatric abuse and a past suicide attempt, I am not at immediate risk right now but I will talk about a past attempt so if you don't want to reply feel absolutely free to ignore this ask. It's gonna be long too so don't feel pressure to read it all or read it all today!

I wanna vent about my last attempt. Two years ago I tried offing myself via overdose and almost alcoholic coma, I had stupid high blood alcohol concentration and a fuckton of benzos in. All I remember is being driven to the ER and being detoxificated intravenously but I have almost no memory of the two days and a night I spent in the ER. Anyway. The day after I was admitted they wanted me to talk to a psychiatrist to assess further risk of suicide, the reasons I had, all that, common practice. Here comes the fucker all high and mighty.

I was previously that year being given a diagnosis of "probable borderline personality disorder". I have like 2 symptoms tops but alright. Later last year I was re diagnosed by a different doctor and I'm being treated for schizotypal and bipolar type 2 which seem more like what I've been through. I was always skeptical of being borderline because I have a borderline best friend and we're nothing alike, I know disorders aren't the same for two people but really, we have nothing in common when it comes to mental illness.

Anyway! Again, here comes the shithead of a psychiatrist.

He first tells me that it can't be possible for me to have BPD because I was lucid at the time (meaning I could somewhat talk clearly, because that morning I messed up the urine controls involuntarily, I pissed in the sink and handed over the cup with water to the doctors. Lmao. Fortunately they let me re do it an hour later when I asked if I could take a piss)

He looks at my clinical report and says if I thought he was stupid, because I messed up the control that morning and he claimed I was trying to mess with him when I wasn't, I was just still high af and mildly drunk.

Then he tells me it wouldn't be possible for me to die with overdose and alcohol poisoning because I didn't take enough and if I really wanted to die I would have to drink way more than that and take more pills. Woah🧍🏼

I laugh rethinking about that but, how fucked up can psychiatry be if doctors are actively encouraging their patients to try to commit suicide, like really?

I'm off drinking a glass of wine or two now and watching something on TV. Don't worry about me, I'm being prohibited benzos, also I wouldn't risk going to the ER again if I had to talk again to that fucking asshole

Have a nice day Kat, sorry I took so long for a stupid story

That's beyond fucked up and I am furious that you had to deal with that kind of behavior from a supposed professional while recovering from a suicide attempt. That's completely unacceptable - and I am so fucking upset that this happened to you that I'm struggling to find words strong enough. This is horrifying psychiatric abuse and you did not deserve to be put through that.

[samtheflamingomain]

the graphs don't lie

I did a sleep study last week. Out in 20 minutes, didn't wake up at all till they forced me awake at 6am. Told them it was exactly as if I'd slept at home. Compared to most of the other patients looking zombified by a terrible night's sleep, I was fine.

Yesterday the doctor showed me the graph and gave my official diagnosis of an ailment I've known I have for 8 months.

I have IH, idiopathic (unexplained) hypersomnia (tired a lot). Although it felt like a completely normal sleep, I only got around 15 minutes of REM (opposed to the normal cycles of 60 min 2-4 times per sleep) and never hit deep sleep at all. Literally 0%. This more than anything absolutely shocked the doctor. Even those with a bad night's sleep don't spend anywhere near the 90% of time I spent in Stage 2.

Deep sleep (stage 3) is the part that regenerates and refreshes your brain. For 6/7h of my sleep, I was in something of a limbo, stage 2.

Stage 2 is meant to be a 20 minute occurrence before entering and after exiting REM. A little buffer for your brain to chill. Instead I just went there and stayed there. This is the one stage where the brain really does almost nothing. Probably cuz I'm constantly tired and it always wants a breather, and has little time to do much cranial paperwork (stage 3) if you get what I mean.

But I realized I had IH 8 months ago, only officially conformed yesterday. I've never had a medical professional say "You have this disease". More times that I can count, I've been told I'm tired because of lack of exercise, bad diet, my meds, depression. But I have clocked months at a time without being medicated, where I exercised, and when I had a good diet, literally with the sole purpose of proving to doctors that this is not about meds or living a healthy life. Most continued to completely disregard this fact and point out that, did I know, clonazepam can make you tired? Yes, I know. Which is why I forced myself to get off every drug to prove my goddamn point that "clonazepam sleepy" isn't the fucking answer. Unfortunately, most doctors are fucking idiots that aren't qualified to manage a lunch rush at McDonald's.

But today, finally, during a 20-min video call, the Dr. never once attributed my exhaustion to anything but IH. She said that she spent a longer time than usual looking at my study and my (admittedly very large) file. It took her several hours. She realized that in 8 years, there's never been a change in my fatigue despite hundreds of changes in other areas like meds and diet, leading her to believe that this isn't just a part of my many mental illnesses nor benign factors like diet.

I'm on 9 meds and have a billion diagnoses. Hell, let's list 'em: Bipolar 1, Anxiety, CPTSD, BPD, OCD, Anorexia Nervosa, EDNOS, Schizoaffective (4/5 psychs agree, one would argue full-on Schizophrenia), Psychosis, Depressive Catatonia, Addiction (smoking, weed, alcohol), and I'm sure I've forgotten a few dozen more.

Any time before today, a doctor would always throw a dart and pick one medication or mental illness and blame the fact that I have not woken up refreshed in 8 years on whatever their dart hit.

But she put in the work, ran the metaphorical numbers and came out with, "despite all your meds and all your mental illnesses, I am diagnosing you with a disease of exclusion."

"Disease of exclusion" means it's the only answer after accounting for (excluding) every other possibility. It's extremely hard to get diagnosed with one, especially with my phone book of mental illness and accompanying pamphlet of drugs.

But she's right and I've known it for 8 months when I finally discovered IH's existence. I was only diagnosed as Bipolar and not Depressed after my first manic episode at 20. For 7 years prior, I was Depressed, and pissed through dozens of drugs in that time. Then 7 more years of Bipolar drugs.

I think the key thing that made her take me seriously is the fact that I'm on a dose of Adderall that would usually be reserved for the worst sufferers of ADHD. And I can easily pass out an hour after taking it. That's probably the biggest thing that points to IH: even Cocaine Lite can't make me feel awake.

IH has no cure and few treatments besides throwing Adderall and Ritalin at you. But those 2 drugs are nearly identical; if you've tried one you've basically tried both, along with their other siblings I can't name.

But Modafinil is different. It's only ever used to treat Narcolepsy. I do not have Narcolepsy Type 1. I don't even have N2. But after N2 is IH. So by chain of command, it has a chance of working, as IH is technically in the Narcolepsy family.

It's a bit unfortunate, to me, that it took the many, many months of sitting on the sleep study waitlist just for my self-diagnosis to be confirmed and then for a doctor to tell my psychiatrist to get me off Adderall and onto Modafinil. This reads as unfortunate to me because, a week ago, I spoke with my psychiatrist and asked if there were any other drugs like Adderall that might be worth a try, and he said no.

Ritalin is out because I had a psychotic episode after one pill. Luckily, this was when I was already in the hospital. But I actually did name Modafinil because I'd heard of it. And he. Said. No.

So if he doesn't listen to the sleep doctor telling him to put me on it, well, I get to play "wait 6-18 months to find another doctor who will". I'm not a registered patient of the sleep doctor so any recommendations go from her to my family doctor to my psychiatrist. Family doctor is stuck in "must be diet/exercise" mode. Psychiatrist is in "let's get this 5m phone call over with cuz nothing's gonna help you" mode. Finally I get someone in "let's actually think things through for more than 20 seconds" mode and she can't actually give me the one (and quite literally the only) drug that could fix me.

This is already a novel but just one more thing.

I'm Bipolar 1 before anything else. This means, especially since I'm on Adderall which should never be given to Bipolar people, I'm in a state called hypomania. Just one level below "mania", which is one of the few mental illnesses that is portrayed relatively accurately in media. So think that, but a little less intense.

Before IH, I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, despite only having 1 of dozens of symptoms. I didn't get headaches or days where I couldn't leave my bed. I'm literally just tired. 10/10, 24/7, 365d/y. No exceptions. The only reason I'm able to go to sleep is not because I get sleepier but because I decide it's time to take the sleeping pill that will knock me the fuck out. If I don't, I can very easily just stay up all night, and barely feel any different the next day with the exception of hallucinations. This is because you can't, by definition, get more than 10/10 tired. If that's how your entire life is, your brain adapts to the point where it never says "hey, I'm exhausted, let's sleep." It only ever says "damn I'm tired and could sleep at any moment if you let me".

A lot of people don't realize this, and when I tell them I've been up for 3 days they always say something like "guess you aren't always tired haha I'm very clever." No. I simply either chose not to sleep or realized it was already 6am and might as well start another day. I cannot emphasize it enough: 10/10. 24/7. 365d/y. For EIGHT YEARS.

I'm Bipolar and barely feeling anything from 40mg Adderall. This is not normal. While I'm relieved the doctor didn't do the thing all the other ones did, she still handed me a death sentence in the form of never, ever feeling awake again.

Stay Greater,