#they could really do with that therapist again now...
Note
Guess who just had a thought AGAIN
Gregory using an elevator to get somewhere (either by himself or with Freddy) nothing big or anything. Cassie happens to be nearby and gets such a dudden thought that its borderline impossible to turn it down. So she gives in to it and tries to do the same thing to Gregory she thinks he did to her, and tries cutting the elevator with him inside (probably with her Faz-wrench or vanni mask or both) before he can reach his destination.
Regardless if Gregory makes it out alive or not (but lbr he prolly would bc hes like a roach in that sense) Roxy being security, can probably see what happened, and likely be left with the choice of providing the evidence when others investigate it or try to cover up for Cassie by omitting and maybe? even scrubbing the evidence off the system.
Oh this went in different direction to what I was expecting lmao
I thought you were gonna say that Cassie took over the speaker system to say "Gregory... it's me. I think I need to explain a few things. You were never supposed to go to the Pizzaplex. That thing in the sinkhole tricked you. I really don't know what it is but it's been trapped down here a really long time. That MXES security system was designed to keep it hidden, but you shut down the security. Now it's free... It's not your fault. I know you did it for me. To save me... but we can't risk being followed. I'm sorry."
Lights go out. The lift is stuck in place. Maybe it starts going down or suddenly jerks down for a second, and then she just leaves it stuck there so someone else can let them out.
But no okay we're going full on murder route, got it lmao
I feel like Roxy would be the first to respond there given it's a security kind of thing she'd pick up on. She gets there and pauses. For just a second, she's back under the pizzaplex, trying to open the doors of the lift to save Cassie in the darkness, listening out for the thundering footsteps of Mimic in case it comes back...
The space between floors in the main pizzaplex isn't that big, so I don't think the damage would be as severe, especially if they got on at the ground floor and hadn't been gone up very far. Even still, this kind of incident is no joke. There's nothing you can do in these situations but hope and pray. The whole 'lie down on the floor' thing isn't even certain to help. The biggest risk if they don't fall far though, is ironically Freddy as well. If he falls on Gregory? Well... yeah.
If they're both relatively unharmed though, this is maybe a sign that Cassie should probably see a therapist... I mean it's a sign no matter what, but if something serious happens to Gregory, there's probably a lot more to consider there.
If she gives him the monologue and just makes the lift jolt before leaving it stuck between floors though, I can see Gregory yelling to be let out and Roxy or whoever answering like "What's the matter? Do you only like being in Freddy shaped metal boxes, or something?"
You know what? Everyone here needs therapy. I think they deserve it.
#pop rox answers#had an au a while back where they DID get a therapist#and the joke was that they had to keep going to their own therapist (as is required) and be like 'dude. these robots are so sad.'#'even the teeny tiny ones have trauma...' kicking the door down like 'you would not BELIEVE what they told me THIS time!!'#Fazbear Horrors being revealed via therapists...#obviously they're not legally allowed to disclose what gets discussed but it was funny at the time with the set up I had going#they could really do with that therapist again now...
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gang I'm not sure I have the courage to come out to my boxing coach
#I need to do some sort of physical activity and that always felt good#but it has always been deadname and women's locker room#then big hiatus from my part#and now I'm back again. again with the deadname and women's locker room#but it feels so wrong#and today I felt like shit because there was people in the locker room#but what is the solution?#to come out ?#they'll laugh.#I don't pass#I never pass#I think people at university don't misgender me only because they're kind#but I don't pass#maybe they'll even nod solemnly and say ok we accept you#but we all know they'll never not see the hips the chest the face the high pitched voice#and I have been stuck here since forever#everyone I know. EVERYONE#is now either on t or can pass#even people who've idk started after I was already going to the therapist because of it#and yes everyone has their own oath and yadda yadda yadda#but why I'm stuck?#I don't understand why I can't go on.#I feel like shit#and mother is ok with it but I know she still hatesthis whole thing#I gave her time I swear#but I miss her#and I tried telling her this and she. she doesn't want to hear it#because in her mind “if you really want it you do it”#like I could pass by sheer willpower#personal
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what if i became a dietician 0-0 what if became an lcsw 0-0 what if i became a personal trainer 0-0 what if i went to culinary school 0-0 what if i became a pilates instructor 0-0 what if i went to nursing school 0-0
#i'm so serious i need to be doing something where i am with people#i'm working with my therapist to figure out what it is i want to do and she could see me being in social work#idk i just want to dissolve when i think about trying to fight to work as an editor in this job market#and it's like. completely killed my passion for it i fear. and i'm filled with imposter syndrome and i don't feel like i have room to make#mistakes because i don't have room to be a beginner at things anymore but so much time has passed since i was laid off that i feel like i'm#stagnating. as a marketer. and that's where i'd be most likely to find editing work. so i wanna just do something else#so i can get the ball rolling again by going back to school. and i want to do something with people that isn't going to disappear#and i really just do not know what to do because i don't want to make the wrong decision. i'm just paralyzed. school is expensive#oh also i don't feel like i can be a beginner because i've been editing in an employed capacity since 2017#so the fact that i'm like mid career but still unable to land entry-level roles is so demotivating. and i know it's not me but still#it just feels so inhospitable now. and like i don't have what it takes to make it because it's so competitive#idk welcome to a rant by me
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Stuck in a very bad place both mentally and physically
When will things get better. will i get better
#broke down in tears right in front of my family because i just can't take this anymore#tried to explain that i feel like my brain works differently than the others but they just don't get it#i told them about my longtime suspicion that i might have adhd but obviously they don't even know what that is#but i mean.it's not like i expected them to#at least we all agreed that i should really talk about this with a therapist#kudos to my little sibling for backing me up in this awful situation i don't know what i would do without them#but man i wish i didn't need to do all of this. i wish i could be a functional person. i hate bringing so many problems to the table#and now i'm crying again great. why am i like this why does everything need to be so overwhelming
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me age seven being sat down in front of the school’s district child psych lady and being given strange, simple spatial puzzles to solve and then long, complicated worksheets and hammering my way through them at the speed of light while having zero comprehension what their purpose was or why i was here: this is urgent! i have to get a good grade in Weird Puzzles, Or Else, something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve,
#kjalkjsdalkjasdl mrs button was a nice lady but not one adult in my childhood ever seemed to notice what to me now seems like#a pretty obvious case of the autisms#then again maybe they just didn't look as hard unless it was *really* obvious back then . it was like. what. 2000? a couple years later#everybody was talking about autism but not when i was six or seven then it was usually just when it was Very Visible#a couple years later my cousin who's more visibly on the spectrum than me got her diagnosis so young that she's pretty much always had it#which is...well i think it's just made her life difficult in a different way. people underestimate her or don't treat her like she's her age#but then she's always had the opportunity to get accommodations and people are sometimes more forgiving when she can't do something#whereas i got labeled 'kid that should be ahead of the game' from a pretty young age and then when i struggled adults either ignored it#or it was just a huge hassle to them and even i could see it exasperated them to have to work around me#but because mrs button (nice lady but what were you thinking) hadn't told them to treat me like a kid with a developmental disorder#they didn't do that in good OR bad ways . so i never got any accommodations with school stuff i struggled with which was a fair bit#i wasn't supposed to need extra testing time in a quiet room or tutoring with math or help organizing my abysmally scattered things#the only time i DID get that was in sixth grade when i was sort-of friends with this kid jonathan who was Very On The Spectrum#he wasn't really a talker unless it was about whatever he was reading which suited me fine so we just kind of existed in each other's space#and his TSS was this very smart and nice lady who had clearly clocked that Something Was Going On With Me and even though it wasn't like#her JOB she made a little bit of time for me. mostly with emotional stuff (i think i was under the impression she was a therapist?)#but if i had some problem with being unable to keep friends or being frozen out by the kids i wanted to be liked by (happened often)#she'd be able to just like. be there she'd make the time . wish i could remember her name
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thinking too hard abt how this rise of "mental health" discussion still only seems to focus on the Cute and Quirky symptoms and still demonizes other mental health (personality) disorders
like my carefully curated tumblr space is fine, but everytime i get sucked into insta reels i inevitably see tens of different reels of the same 3 symptoms of autism/adhd
like im glad theyre getting this positive moment but it just kind of fucking sucks to listen to people talk about how they ToTaLlY have a "touch of the 'tism" and ur friends are sending u "relatable adhd memes" so u think u have a little more support and understanding but then u mention how ur struggling with self harm and suicidal thoughts and violent/disturbing intrusive thoughts and suddenly everyone's like
😳
whats the matter babe, my mental health problems not palatable enough for you? :/
#told a coworker that some ppl have intrusive thoughts like assaulting ppl#and his face was just like the emoji#'ur not a terrible person'#would u still feel like reassuring me if u knew abt the thoughts i was beating back with a stick?#like i could absolutely use a therapist#not for a diagnosis mind u just for. fucking. counselling.#bc obvs i cant be chronically relying on my friends to emotionally support me#they have their own stuff and emotional labour is a lot and i know that but still#sometimes i just feel like. fuck. like just.#could u just listen to me for five fucking minutes#and reassure me that im not a terrible person#and that everything will be alright#because i can tell myself and do self affirmations but fuck#sure would be nice if i felt like someone other than me believed that too#like i think i could rely on my roomie but she doesnt do physical contact lmao#and i could prob talk to my sis or mum but i would Rather Not plus they would probably cry#and i want someone who's gonna be calm about it hahaaa#dont ask if im back on my meds yet <3#as unhealthy as my childhood friendships were they were also the most honest#we were Very Open abt how fucked up we were#unfortunately we just like fed into each other#but now trying to be honest just feels like a Fucking Joke#and not even in a 'trying to downplay so i dont cry' way#more like 'im not taking this conversation seriously Unless ur crying'#gods i feel like a fucking teenager trying to get ppl to take my emotions seriously again what the fuck#like sorry for being an emotionally unstable 30yo i guess?? are u really gonna try to shut me down abt it??#like who are u my father lmfao fuck OFF#like im fine with the person that i am!!! why isnt anyone else?? im not a child!!!
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why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up
#i'm overthinking something that i did and was told off for doing by my director#and on my way home i was thinking when was the last time i was even talked to like that during a production#and then i remembered the costume experience from hell of only a couple months ago that i've already began blocking out#but the thing is that that person was someone i knew i'd never have to work with again#i mean at first i thought i would have to work with them more. then they announced they were moving away immediately#so i only had to deal with them face to face for another weekish after that point and anytime they yelled at me#i was like 'cool. i'll do exactly what you say to do. and nothing more.' but then of course me being me#i did some extra stuff and they initially were like 'oh that's pretty' and then days later told me to cut everything i added#and like sure i get that the show was frozen but girl. that costume was unfinished. i was trying to finish it. it was frozen but looked bad#anyway. whenever they yelled at me and had actual malice in their heart i was like whatever. i was hurt. but i didn't care as much.#but this time it's someone i've worked with many many times before and it was about a habit i have that i know isn't great#but at the same time the thing that prompted it wasn't even me doing this habit it was something else#but she interpreted it as that habit and said that i can't do that on a production she's directing#and that if i couldn't stop then i could pull out from the production and there'd be no hard feelings between us#and honestly i think her reassuring that she knows i'm valuable and that she wants me there while also telling me not to do this thing#and the fact that she's someone i like working with and will continue to work with just made it all hurt so much more#especially since she referenced another past production we've done where i didn't even realize she had noticed that i do this.#and i found myself in near tears. and still am kind of in near tears. i can't decide if i need to cry or not.#and i had NO sleep last night so i was looking forward to sleeping tonight but now i'm just overthinking EVERYTHING#and like. i know everything will be fine. if i just stop inserting myself and stick to just my specific tasks. it'll be fine.#but this is one of the ways my ocd manifests. i feel like i have to personally fix something i notice going wrong. or it'll be bad.#because every single time i choose to sit back and not be nosy when i notice something it ends up bad in a way i could have prevented#if i just inserted myself in a situation i technically wasn't part of but knew i could help or fix. so i just need to not do that.#but then i feel guilt if it does go wrong in the ways i immediately assumed it would and in a way i could prevent.#and i've been trying to work on this for like 6 months and aaaahhhh it's hard and being called out on it from her just really really hurt#i still may or may not cry. i don't know. the irony of me telling my therapist THIS MORNING that it's been a while since i last cried.#and the universe being like 'i took that as a challenge' and handing me this situation for me to spiral over.#i need to leave things alone. i need to stare straight ahead. and ignore whatever isn't specifically for me to do. but ahhh i want to help#and then of course my mom has this same habit and it annoys me when she does it yet i do it to other people and ahhhhhhhh#brain please just shut up. i need to sleep. i have to work tomorrow.
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🍓
#for how long am i gonna wake up.. and have my first thought be him#and then wish that when i look at my phone i will have messages waiting from him#where he said gm and told me abt his day like i had every day for a while..#and then suddenly get anxiety pain in my whole chest and stomach#bc i know i dont have any messages from him. and that we dont really talk anymore#and now idek if he would want to keep message me every once in a while#am i gonna keep living off of the high from one message from him now and then?#like idk :((( it's just so painful#and it does hurt more now bc... for a long time i still hade hope that like ofc we will talk!!!!! when he's ready to talk#we will talk abt everything and it will all be fine ^-^ i really really had trust and belief in that#like i genuinely thought that would happen. bc to /me/ this is the most real and strong thing i've had#which truly i understand is also naive and unwordly of me and also im very intense and emotional abt things#so truly i cannot get mad abt it only have been the one thing to want and to wanna fight for#bc yeah.. ig it just stings a lot more than just a crush bc to me.. like i sound so silly and naive but i should just vent#bc like yeah... i dont have any friends to talk to or a therapist or anything and i need to talk T-T#it's embarrassing but to me i really felt like i had found my person.. the person who i wanted to be the closest to in the world..#felt the kind of love where i would do anything and fight for it to even have a chance.. and yeah..#ig i was very naive to have the 'certainty' that .. i was just waiting and being patient and giving him space. maybe that wasnt actually#what he needed. but w my avpd i didnt know how to be pushy or.. like how to be enough pushy like he would need#without being too intense to push him too far away from me. bc im intense.. so i know that even if he's right for me#im not right for him bc i could not give him what he needs.. :(((#but yeah.. everyday i wake up w so much sadness bc i know i wont get to talk to him all day#and now the sadness is coupled with intense dread and anxiety#bc honestly i have no idea if he'll ever reply to me again or how much we will talk if we even will at all.#and the thought of life without him and not even have him in it even a little makes me wanna die lol#idk.. idk... bc i wont get to have what i want.. which is to simply be with him. but yeah idk... idk#it pains me sm that ... we never did talk to find out whatever was between us. and regardless of intent on his behalf that does make me fee#*i* am the one who valued and cared abt our 'bond' more than he did... but it is what it is it is what it is#it just hurts... bc i found someone i both thought and wanted it to be real with. but... i never even got a chance to try or talk abt it#which also is life.. if he found someone (twice) that he did like enough to want to try with but not with me.. that's just how he felt..
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Anyone else got that praise only feels good coming from people who don’t know you thing or is it just me?
#like. therapist I’ve talked to. once. says smthing nice. and my brain explodes with joy. someone I’ve worked with regularly in theater says#something nice and I’m like aw that’s sweet thanks.#do I think my therapist is hot. oh god is that part of this. she could rail me. nope nope nope#fanfic rotting my brain. just also. hot middle aged woman with glasses and slightly greying curly hair. 💍#literally haven’t even talked to her in person. BE NORMAL#I’m going to launch myself into the sun I cannot have a crush on my therapist#I’ll be normal. ignore all of this. unless it comes up again. but for now ignore it it’s fine we’re ignoring it#really I just need to get laid and that’s the whole thing it’s not about therpist or praise or anything I just need to get fucked
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venting sorry. i get emotional thinking of the media both me and my dad loved growing up and the father daughter bonds that were the highlights of those movies and tv shows to him and i feel like i failed
#my dad and i used to watch adventure time together and my dad LOVED simon and marcy and he learnt daddy why did you eat my fries on the#guitar and i used to sing it with him. and one time when i was 14 ish and severely depressed and anxious we had people over#and my dad was talking about adventure time lmao and was getting his guitar and wanted me to sing it with him and i just said NO.#because i was mad at him. and embarassed. and we never sung it together ever again. its been too long now. that window has closed.#but i wish we could#my relationships with my dad never really recovered after my teen years and its hard to talk to him.#i wish i could talk to him. we are really similar. in the bad ways too#vent#SORRY GUYS i need to find a therapist#my family just never talks abt their feelings. or when they do its when theyre angry. i dont feel like i can bring this up to them.#i just hate knowing i rejected my dad like that. he probably saw me not wanting to sing w him as very personal. not that hed ever say it#AND FUCKIN INTERSTELLAR me and my dad both loved interstellar at a time when i was -again- severely depressed and locking myself in my room#and the father and daughter go have scenes that feel very similar to things that were going on in my house at the time. where shes#baracading the door and not letting people in. it rly hit home is what im saying#and my dad loved the movie i loved it too but the family relationships in the movie were never discussed whenever we talked abt it#but for christmas one year my dad gave me a watch. like the one fuckin matthew mcconoughey give his daughter in the movie#and i wear it all the time. it makes me fuckin cry sometimes that stupid fucking watch. but it means so much.#i just wish hed talk abt his fucking feelings so i wouldnt need a watch to know my dad still loves me#also this post is about transitioning and my dad feeling like he lost that father daughter bond with me but we wont get into all that
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trauma is so wild like what do you mean it’s been seven years. what do you mean it still makes me sick to my stomach. what do you mean this has forever changed how i view myself and my relationships with others. what do you mean that happened to me. what do you mean i can’t remember it. literally what. what do you mean i can never be normal about this now. what.
#i finally worked up to read the journal entries i wrote about this very specific trauma and i feel sick to my stomach over it#reading it like…that girl i was was real? she was real. i don’t remember her but she is me?#and i can feel myself regressing from it#i’m leaning back on those same coping mechanisms again and it’s…sigh#i just can’t believe it happened to me#and who would i be if that never happened to me?#how do i ever grow past it?#how will i ever be okay? how will i ever fully recover? can i fully recover?#last night was so rough for me when i finished reading those journal entries#i went into some weird manic state where i suddenly had to know everything about me during that time#i downed half a bottle of tequila and tore apart my room to find my old phone so i could read all my old texts from him and everything i#ever told anyone about him#i had to know#and i was listening to the playlist i made about it#it was just ugh#i never really worked through any of this like every therapist i’ve had i’ve skipped over this because i couldn’t face it#and now i want to face it and i don’t have a therapist anymore 🙃#this is entirely my fault for consuming a piece of media i KNEW would be triggering but thought i’d be immune but too bad now im in it#i just wish it never happened#it never should have happened#ugh#sorry#vent post#i’ll probs delete later#but for now i’ll throw it out into the void that is my tumblr feed#trauma
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Why can't I be satisfied with everything? It needs to be perfect to me and I can't accept anything otherwise :(
#mine#oh boy here we go. guy last post was about has been pretty cool and i got flustered around him a few times#but i feel bad bc. i need m o r e he isnt insane enough he isnt making me go absolutely crazy i want to be satisfied but im NOT im sorry#like its quite honestly the most attention acceptance etc ive gotten but its not ENOUGH he doesnt die whenever i send a selfie#im never satisfied WHY i have unrealistic expectations !!!! i hate my brain killing and violence and death etc#i get crushes on guys who want nothing to do with me but then when one actually wants me its not enough? what is wrong with me#thrill of the chase? i cant accept being loved? what is it brain. christ almighty. im not doing anything like deliberately yandere related#anymore im just being generally incomprehensibly mentally ill 🙄 still trying to find a therapist but idk how on earth ill explain that#ill update this post tomorrow with more insanity but for now i am the sleepy tired#// ok its now 3 days later i dont feel like making another post. i think i was just having a mental illness moment as always#because he does make me insane. hashtag girl. im trying to be the smartest and calculated i have ever been with a relationship in my life#like im thinkin about it so hard bro. the future n shit. how would this relationship go. im so scared ill do something wrong its preventing#me from doing things RIGHT. im sad becaude i flipped out today over even imagining him being upset with me a little#so i was really embarrassed and it put me in a weird mood for the rest of the night but he reassured me he doesnt hate me or want me to die#every one aaalways says theyre different. i can only hope this one is telling the truth. i dont know what ill do if he isnt.#well i need to stop whining about fictional scenarios and focus on the good stuff in reality. i get along with him very well and he#is very niceys to me :3 he doesnt think im fucking insane or stupid for overreacting. i feel very comfortable gossiping and talking w him#every long time blog viewer of mine reading this like ah shit here we go again#but thats what im here for. i guess. just have to keep doing this shit until something good finally happens to me romantically hngh#i feel so strange because i have wanted and yearned for a relationship but now that i actually could have one im like WAIT#I DIDNT THINK ID GET THIS FAR 💀💀💀 bruh. and he doesnt even think im stupid hes respectful to me he checks in on me all the time#like perhaps the only person to ever actually almost match my energy in a romantic sense. there was [redacted] i guess but he didnt love me#he listens to me talk about my problems he doesnt think i complain or overreact too much. all the ridiculous cringe shit i do#he doesnt mind it. its nice to be able to be myself. and im really proud of myself for not rushing into a relationship right away
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ok actually yeah. i really need to do dishes and go to bed and not stay up late mentalillnessposting a little too viscerally on tumblr the night before i facilitate a workshop in front of the literal president of the university and the vp of my division (LOL about that btw. actively shitting my pants.) but oh my GOD. so saying goodbye to lia was actually fine in the moment. neither of us cried and we talked about all the ways we’ll still be in each others lives and reasons we’ll have to interact in the near future. and she gave me an extremely heartfelt thoughtful gift and we left on a very hopeful note and i felt better and content bc there’s still the rest-of-life and we’ll see each other there. but like an hour before that as i mentioned i was HYSTERICALLY sobbing. in full view of people i know AND people i don’t. and i just sat there and sobbed while everything carried on around me. everything carried on around me!!! and i feel like im about to sob again thinking about it.
#purrs#delete later#idk. i typed a bunch here and then deleted it and now idk what to say. i just feel so lonely. i have had fucked up relationships with every#single older adult in my life and never had someone who could a) stay in my life b) be consistently present in my life c) meet my emotional#needs d) actually See me and accept me for who i am. Like not one person who can be all four of those things. and i have to be all four of t#those things for myself now because im 24 and i missed my chance. but how fucking shitty and painful is that? especially after a year like t#this. the way it’s literally ending the SAME way last year did. huge scary promotion (which i haven’t even talked about on here or to anyone#but lia today actually. but it might be huger and scarier than i thought. which is good but also HUGE -‘d scary. and not a bad thing of bc o#course but it’s so fucking… perilous? like it makes me feel profoundly imperiled because i have extremely good reason to feel that way. and#i have to endure the mortifying ordeal of applying for my own job AGAIN after the first time was so horrible. lol) and also losing a beloved#mentor figure who understood me in a way no one else did which mattered immensely even if they couldn’t do the whole presence thing or#whatever. and now i only have one older adult in my life left (aside from my therapist who doesn’t really count bc i only see her once a#week and we barely know each other still) who is like. here and helping me and i KNOW i am so sick in the head i KNOW and i should not be#writing it but every single day i am fucking terrified that i am being or will be separated from him emotionally or physically jsut like all#the others so. LOL!!!!! i am normal and well adjusted. but it’s like so fucking painful because im grasping at straws but again the reality#is im 24 and the only people on this earth who it is fair for me to expect all 4 from and who should’ve provided it to me are my parents.#and i missed my chance with them forever and now i have to do it myself. and that’s ok sometimes and i can handle it… except in the moments#where im sobbing hysterically and everything carries on. when i am in my darkest moments i want to run to an older adult and have them#comfort me but i truly cannot do that with any of the ones i still have left / regularly interact with for so many reasons. and it’s so#painful it makes me sick sometimes. and now i have to be the romy and the lia i wish to see in this world. but how can i do that when i#haven’t finished grieving over them leaving which feels like leaving ME — NOW — in this moment when i have never needed more support of that#kind more. how can isummon it within myself. im not ready yet. i need a long hug and a hand to hold that won’t (have to) let go. when im#crying i need someone to take me somewhere and comfort me and calm me down. and im 24 so i can’t ask for it. but oh my god i need it. and i#missed my chance. and lia left today and she only ever did that for me metaphorically but… tonight i feel more alone than ever.#and it’s like i don’t even have the emotional intelligence or whatever to ASK for that. bc im playing by ear and i don’t know how to read#the music of it. im self taught. that fucking sucks. that SUCKSSS. also that’s too strong a way to put it liek obviously my friends who are#closer to my age are INTEGRAL to me being able to function and i learn from them and cherish their support. but just like i can’t be a mom#to me my friends can’t either. so it’s like what the fuck do i do. get steamrolled by relentless grief and rage every day i guess.#also side note. everything carried on when i was in brighton too. i came home early ofc but it’s like nothing changed in my absence. and#that has fucked me up SUPREMELY. i think that might be a root of it. like hm… it seems my presence doesn’t have impacts. but idk
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it is a little bit funny that for so long i was convinced that dating confident, older men was the only way to go. i had this vision of myself that was young and naive and i was sure that when it came to dating, i needed to follow someone else's lead. but as it turns out! both with eddie and in real life! i am actually the hot, older woman that doesn't mind taking charge! i actually know what i'm doing and what i want more than i thought i did! and i LIKE IT! life changing realizations happening over here, everyone
#my therapist is gonna be thrilled to hear about this development#using the tags as my diary again:#i think i created this persona in my head of#'i don't pursue'#'i don't make the first move'#'that's not who i am'#not because it was really who i am#but because that felt very SCARY!#because when you pursue and when you make the first move! you can be rejected!#so i convinced myself those were never things i could or would do#i convinced myself that i needed someone else#who knew what they were doing and knew what they wanted#to come and pursue me instead#but that's not actually the case!#i am confident and powerful now and i can literally do anything#and that's COOL!#i can pursue actually!#i can make the first move actually!#don't even know if this will make sense to anyone else but! it makes sense to ME!#LIVE#eddie.txt#otp: semi-charmed
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does anyone else ever feel like maybe they need to be hospitalized or weren’t ready to be discharged from the hospital?
#i was discharged almost a week ago now and i felt really ready to go#i have a much better mindset now after the second hospitalization#but the suicidal thoughts and self-harm urges are a lot more difficult to deal with in the real world where i can hurt myself#i still feel very depressed pretty much always but at the same time my mood has been pretty ok#regardless of how i'm feeling and what i'm doing i get those intrusive detailed suicidal thoughts#i want to do more research and stuff just like out of curiosity or to indulge myself a little#but that's the kind of behavior that gets you sent to the emergency room and admitted to the hospital#i feel ok and not actively suicidal but at the same time i want to plan even though i don't want to go through with it at the moment#if i tell my doctor or therapist at my treatment program this i'm worried that they will send me to the emergency room (again)#it would be weird because i feel ok even though im having these thoughts#similar to how i felt last time i was sent to the ER but i wasn't sure if i could keep myself safe in the long run last time#idk. i feel like i can keep myself safe but at the same time i want to plan and get ready#what is wrong with me#i can think about the future and am starting to see a future for myself (at least for the next year) so why do i feel this way?#i need to write some of this shit down and talk to the therapist at my treatment program tomorrow#i feel like it might be too triggering for others to bring up in process group but i do kinda want feedback from my peers
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#tw sick parent figure + tw sick parent when i was younger (sick-sick)#seriously don't read this it's just me rambling#i just write it here bc i don't want to bother people by saying the same thing over and over and over#bc it's nothing new to be said. i just need to get it out yet another time#i hope this drowns in all the louis posts so i can just send this into the void 😂#i've been home for less than 24 hours and i already don't want to be here. it already sucks#i guess in a way it's good bc now i can help but it really sucks and idk how to handle everything#and on top of that my therapist continues to be sick so i don't even have someone to talk to about all of this and it just sits in my head#he is already back at the hospital which makes me just remember all the times my mom went in and out of the hospital when i was younger#well good thing here is that they have something that they now can treat even if they don't know it that's actual cause of not#but doesn't help with all my thoughts about how bad shit is and how it reminds me of my mom and how i can't handle any of this#and am instead rambling in some tags in a tumblr post#i wish i could just shut down all the emotions until he's all better and we don't have to worry anymore and everything is fine again#bc this sucks#i don't want to do this anymore#and i'm sure it's barely begun#bc why would it be easily treatable? that would be a miracle and i don't believe in miracles#life sucks and i really wish it didn't#if you’re down here then that’s impressive bc I wouldn’t be able to read this since it’s just a block of text without any real sentences 😂#and yeah this is just me screaming into the void#don't worry about it i'll be fine
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