#they can’t pace an album for shit though

[whoarethegirls]

the funny part about having gotten more into deathcore almost solely because of lorna shore is that almost every single other band i’ve listened to is immediately better in some way

[foliosriot]

Love’s The Death Of Peace Of Mind — Pt. 3

pairing: noah sebastian x reader

warnings: angst and more angst

tags: @thisbicc @lma1986 @mrscevans @catj422 @thebadchic @blackveilomens @likeavilliansposts @veronicaphoenix @circle-with-me @lilhobgobbler @loeytuan98

masterlist. tdopom masterlist.

Today is the day.

Today is the day Noah comes over so you two can talk and work through what happened to your friendship, and your relationship overall.

You’ve been pacing around your apartment for the past few hours, music playing loudly from the TV in the living room. Purposefully taking a break from Bad Omens you have Sleep Token on repeat instead. But the change didn’t help much. You ended up skipping Give anyways.

Now you’re just anxiously fiddling with the bottom hem of your sweater as the entirety of Sleep Token’s discography comes to an end. The sudden lack of music makes you pause your pacing.

Then, because your brain has been torturing you all day — and this wouldn’t be anything short of it — you hurriedly turn on THE DEATH OF PEACE OF MIND. The opening track has you immediately calming down, and there’s a part of you that fucking despises that.

But you’re still pacing as you listen to the album, your lips moving as you wordlessly sing along. Your fingers are constantly playing with your sweater’s hem, and you may have just realized it’s one of Noah’s that he must have left here on accident. You have half a brain to make your way to your room to change before there’s knocking at the front door.

It scares you, nearly has you jumping out of your skin. And as much as you want to pretend like you aren’t home, or crawl to bed and roll yourself into a cocoon of blankets, you know you can’t avoid this any longer.

You don’t think to pause your music or turn it off entirely until you’re already opening the front door to reveal Noah standing before you. He gives you a soft smile, though you can tell he’s nervous and probably riddled with anxiety just like you are. But you quietly greet him and step aside to allow him entry.

It’s jarring to see him in person like this. Last time you saw him face to face was the last time you’d been … together. The two of you had been here, at your apartment, and you suddenly have difficulty shoving away that memory.

A hand at your throat, applying just enough pressure to make you pleasantly lightheaded. Your fingernails leaving thin red lines down freckled shoulders and a tattooed back. Hickeys and roaming, greedy hands turning into gentle kisses and softly uttered praises. Neither of you acknowledging the blatant shift in your movements, but you continue giving and taking equally anyways.

You’re pulled out of your thoughts when you nearly run into Noah, who had stopped once he entered the living room. You take a step or two backwards to see him staring at the TV screen still alive with Bad Omens. With his music. With the songs he wrote about you.

The sad smile that appears on Noah’s face is fleeting at best. But it’s gone in a flash when he eventually looks away. You take that as your chance to run to the remote and turn off the TV, relieving both of you of the obvious torment you had been experiencing.

In the quiet of your small living room you hesitantly sit down on one end of the couch, to which Noah copies your actions. He sits on the other end, and it sparks even more buried memories of yours. You’re almost certain Noah is remembering those as well.

“You like the album, then?”

Noah’s voice startles you. You jerk slightly but you quickly recover to meet his eyes. He’s already looking at you, and shit — if this doesn’t feel like déjà vu.

“Uh, y-yeah, I really like it,” you stammer. “But I already Motionless In White’s new album is gonna be even better.”

You aren’t sure why you say it. But the slight teasing in your voice is definitely there, no matter how weird it may have felt rolling off your tongue. And the way Noah is looking at you has you thinking he knows you’re messing with him, if the slight quirk of his lips is anything to go off of.

You both stay silent after that. Your chest is tightening the longer the quiet drags. And you can feel Noah’s gaze on you, his eyes taking in the sight of you for the first time in a long time. Or maybe it’s because you’re wearing his old sweater.

“What happened to us?”

Noah’s gentle voice jerks you out of your head. You slowly look to him expecting to see him watching you still. But he had averted his eyes, and he was now staring at the picture frames nailed to the wall above the small shelf that has all of your DVDs, CDs, vinyls, and tapes. It almost feels like a tidal wave when you realize there are photos of the two of you on display.

“Do you want the full truth or the half-truth?” you ask him as your fingers migrate back to that stupid bottom hem.

“Full truth.”

He’s still taking in the wall of memories, not looking away for even a moment. Your throat bobs as you prepare yourself to talk.

“Noah, I need you to know that you are my best friend in the entire world,” you begin quietly. “Even if we haven’t talked for awhile. You are one of my favorite people on this planet, and I don’t know what I would do without you. What happened between us is on me, and I really need you to understand that.”

“If this is just an elaborate way to say ‘it’s not you, it’s me’, save it,” Noah says, his tone cold. “I gathered that when you stopped talking to me.”

Okay. You’ll admit: that hurt.

But it’s true, and you need to let him know why.

“No, it’s not that.” Your eyes are beginning to burn with gathering tears. “Ever since we met I’ve struggled to understand what I feel for you. I thought we were just friends, but, over the years, there were things you would say or do that made me think otherwise. So I guess I kinda played in to it. Then that night at your place, and the times after that, I … It made me think there was actually something between us. But after the last night together I freaked out and distanced myself from you because I was scared you didn’t feel the same. I couldn’t keep denying my feelings for you, so I distanced myself so neither of us would get hurt.”

You sniffle before continuing. “I’ve wanted to talk to you about this since that first night. And then the album dropped and I lost control over what I have been feeling for years. I never wanted to push you away like that. I was being selfish and and I was so fucking scared, and I never bothered to think about if you would be hurt in the process.” You bite your bottom lip as a few tears crawl down your cheeks. “I’m sorry, Noah. I’m so fucking sorry for what I did. I never wanted this.”

Noah is quiet. He’s still facing away from you, and you’re beginning to think this was a bad idea. But he shifts slightly, his head moving slowly in your direction. Then he stops, and you think you see a tear or two staining his cheek.

Your skin is starting to itch profusely as you anxiously wait for Noah to say anything. You’re growing uncomfortable and you wish time would just freeze.

But then Noah speaks, his voice awfully quiet.

“I thought there was something too,” he starts. And it is blatantly clear that he had begun to cry as well. “Honestly, I would have been totally fine with the first night being a one-time thing. And then it happened again and again, and I thought that must have meant something. But when you ignored me after the last time I thought you had just used me and didn’t want to see me again. Like, you somehow knew how I feel and couldn’t be bothered to acknowledge it.

“Now knowing how it tore you up as well almost makes the pain a little more bearable,” Noah continues with a halfhearted laugh. “I guess I just don’t understand why it happened the way it did. We could’ve talked and worked through it, like we always fucking have. So why was this the thing that drove us apart? I mean, we definitely have feelings for each other. We both thought there was something for years, and it’s been confirmed. So, I guess the question still stands…”

Noah’s words have your heart lodging itself into your throat. More tears have fallen from your eyes, each one streaking down your face and slipping from your chin as you keep your eyes on Noah.

“I don’t know why that was what drove us apart, Noah,” you admit in a broken voice. “But I want to fix it. I really want to fix this rift we’ve made. ‘Cause I— I-I miss you.”

You watch Noah finally turn his head so he’s looking straight you. His eyes are slightly bloodshot and there are a few apparent tear stains on his face. But he looks hopeful and content with your response.

“I miss you, too,” he murmurs. “And I wanna fix whatever happened, regardless of the outcome.”

Noah gives you a soft smile that you return without a second thought. You sit staring at each other for a minute before you have to force yourself to finally glance away. Taking a deep breath you pull the ends of your sleeves over your hands and fingers, then wipe at your eyes.

The worn fabric of your Noah’s sweater rubs against your skin and leaves red in its wake. You catch Noah looking at you for a moment before he obviously processes what you’re wearing.

“Is that my sweater?” he queries quietly.

“Oh, yeah. I think you had left it here on accident once,” you begin rambling. “God, I didn’t even realize I was wearing it until you got here. I can give it back to you—“

“No. Keep it. It looks much better on you.”

Noah’s words have your face heating up. You go silent as he gives you another one of his small yet softest smiles. Your mouth hangs open for a few seconds, then you’re snapping your teeth together as your heart continues racing relentlessly.

His own face is reddening with blush, but you don’t comment on it. Instead, you reach back for the TV remote and wordlessly turn on Howl’s Moving Castle. The movie has been a shared comfort for both you and Noah, and you know he would love to watch it with you after so long.

You struggle to hide your grin as you get comfortable against the couch. Out of the corner of your eye you can see Noah has been stunned into silence at the movie selection. But you ignore him as much as you can as you listen to him kick off his shoes and settle into his own spot on the couch, the beginning of the beloved movie illuminating the screen.

thank you for reading! hope you enjoyed! likes and reblogs are very much appreciated <3

a/n: ok i’m planning on AT LEAST one more part, so let me know if you wanna be tagged when it’s out!!

[forget-me-maybe]

Snippet Sunday/WIP Monday/Am I late to the party?

since i missed that the lovely @kimberbohwrites tagged me yesterday we're doing this today!

i've seen that most of us have already done this so i'll just do an open tag for anyone who wants to share something!!!

anyway, the truth is that the last week(s) my writing has been... slow... nonexistent...

SO i looked through my wip-folder to see if i had anything to share and i found this wip that i wrote a while back but never finished (ehm).

it's a modern band au kind of. there's boobs but not anything more nsfw. cw lorroakan related abuse. also i write this as someone who doesn't know shit about music more than listening so warning for incorrect things. also warning for overuse of changing pov and strange pacing.

(and it's not completely done either but i need to throw something out here or i might just lose my mind. also here's to hoping it'll light some fire under my ASS)

here's chapter 1, maybe (it's long, like 4,5k words so buckle up):

~*~

Tav is late. It’s a normal occurrence, it just can’t be helped. She and time have never been in agreement with each other. But today she’s extra late. She’s already texted the band’s group chat to let them know she’ll be in the rehearsal space in fifteen minutes, but that was twenty minutes ago and she’s got at least another ten blocks until she’s there. 

It’s early Eleint and the heat still hasn’t seized its grip on Baldur’s Gate. Sweat beads on Tav’s forehead as she all but jogs through the streets, the straps of her bass case rub uncomfortably against her bare shoulders. 

At least she can find some comfort in the music blasting from her headphones. Polar Apes just released a new album and while it’s not their best (their first one is), it’s definitely not their worst (their fourth one is). 

Perhaps she’s distracted by the music, or perhaps it’s the harsh light from the sun that blinds her enough to run headfirst into something. Or someone. 

“Watch where you’re going,” the man snarls. 

The man she got a faceful of chest from scowls deeply at her, his tail swooshes irritably behind him. He’s tall and dressed elegantly in a turtleneck and a blazer. His shoulder length hair is tied back in a half-updo, a pair of browline glasses sit upon his long nose. He’s rubbing his chin, probably where one of her horns hit him. She should perhaps feel sorry, but his snarl didn’t make for a good first impression. 

“Well, fuck me I guess. I could say the same to you, fancy boy,” Tav bites back. 

Though one might not think it possible, the man’s scowl deepens. Tav doesn’t stop to think about it anymore, she’s in a hurry and makes a point of bumping his shoulder with hers as she passes by to continue her journey. 

“Wait!” the man calls out behind Tav, and against her better judgement, she actually stops. Not without releasing a deep sigh, though. 

“What?” she snaps and turns around with her arms folded over her chest. 

“I – zurgan – I’m looking for Ramazith’s College,” he says. Tav glares at him in return, of course he’s one of those arrogant snobs. The school is known all over Faerûn for its classical music programme. The headmaster, Lorroakan, has a reputation of being a piece of shit and nowhere near as talented as he makes himself out to be. But still, it produces some of the best musicians on this plane. “Could you, perhaps, point me in the right direction?” 

“If you say please.” 

“Excuse me?” he blurts out. Tav continues to glare at him, her tail taps impatiently at the cobblestone. The man looks like he’s going through all five stages of grief before he resigns and says the magic word. “Please.” 

“Alright, fancy boy.” She feels the side of her mouth curl into a lopsided smile, the man’s shoulders drop ever so slightly. “I don’t know how you ended up in Brampton, but you’re on the wrong side of town, so to say.” 

“Well, I’m fully aware a prestigious college like Ramazith’s wouldn’t be located in a wretched place like this.” He gestures around him, the rundown buildings of Bramton are decorated with colourful graffiti. The area has suffered some gentrification the last couple of years, but it still carries that rugged charm Tav loves with her home. “How do I get to the right side of town?” 

“The nearest metro is down that street.” She points to the street in question. “Hop off at the Wide and the college will be just a street down. It’s a huge tower, you can’t miss it.” 

“And… If I were to walk?” 

“Then you have a forty-five minute stroll in that direction,” Tav says and points… in the same direction she’s going. 

Zurgan, indeed. 

She weighs her options, either she walks with the arrogant man for another ten blocks or she takes a detour and actually risks getting kicked out of the band once and for all. The rapid buzzing from her phone in her front pocket makes the decision for her. 

“I’ll walk with you.” 

“There’s really no need.” 

“Not the whole way for gods’ sakes,” Tav explains. “I’m heading that way.” 

“I guess that’s acceptable.” 

Tav huffs, which is the only sound any of them make for their whole walk. Tav keeps a fast pace throughout the streets but the lanky tiefling has no problem with keeping up while she’s dripping with sweat in her shorts and tank top. 

When they finally arrive at the entrance of her rehearsal space. She should probably not lead him directly to what could be considered her second home but she figures she could send Karlach on him if he were up to any funny business. 

“This is me,” she says and points to the building. The man scowls as he takes in the scenery, clearly not impressed by the rundown property but at least he doesn’t say anything. Tav repeats her directions once more to make sure the man finds his way and with an awkward wave, he heads off. 

Tav shakes her head as she unlocks the old door and heads down to the basement. In the small room they call their studio Tav finds her friends, Lae’zel is behind her drums as usual and Karlach and Shadowheart are crammed in the small sofa. 

Tav puts on her most apologetic smile. 

“You’re late,” the githyanki says. “If you are not on time, how am I to trust you to be on beat?” 

“Have I ever disappointed you, Lae?” Tav smiles. 

“Yes,” Lae’zel deadpans. “Many times.” 

“Easy now, rockstars,” Karlach interjects, knowing full and well the smaller tiefling and the githyanki can get at each other’s throats if not interrupted. 

~*~

When Rolan arrived at Baldur’s Gate’s main station he had expected smooth sailing to his goal at Ramazith’s College. Getting the acceptance letter was a dream come true and he felt like his luck had finally turned. He’s always loved music but there was never enough money in the household for tutoring, just the old piano in the living room. Many evenings had been spent trying to get the hang of the sounds and make them sound beautiful together. Even more evenings had been spent learning how to read notes. 

He had not expected to get lost in a rugged part of the Lower City. He had not expected to run into that little tiefling carrying a guitar case. She had almost pierced his skin with her horn as she collided with him. In all honesty he hadn’t been paying attention at all, he was busy trying to read the street signs and figuring out where the hells he came from. 

Now she’s disappeared into a rundown building that doesn’t look safe at all. But her pierced nose, stretched earlobes and tattooed arms give the impression of someone who can handle themselves so he shouldn’t worry at all. 

Wrong. He shouldn’t worry because he doesn’t care. 

No, he’s got a forty-five minute walk in scorching heat, wearing too many layers to look forward to. He was just trying to look professional and now he’s going to have to get changed before he meets with Lorroakan. 

Damnation, he’s already late. 

He’s practically dripping with sweat as he arrives in the Upper City, but his thoughts are consumed with the magnificent tower in front of him. Pride and confidence flows through him, he’s finally where he’s supposed to be. 

~*~

It’s just fucking typical that her strings were to break three days before their gig. It’s also fucking typical she has no spare ones and hardly enough coin to get her through the month. But, at least they’ve been promised some drinks for the gig. It’s not a huge gig, just at their local in Brampton, but still they’d like to make a good impression. Who knows who might be listening? 

For such a big city as Baldur’s Gate, it should be considered strange that there’s really only one place for musical equipment - Sounderous Sundries. Tav doesn’t mind though, the building is as old as the town itself and the glass dome creates a colourful light around all the instruments that are on display. Especially the Gondian bass she’s been eyeing since the moment she was old enough to reach over the counter. 

This time her attention isn’t turned to the instruments, but to the man tending the front desk. It’s the same man that Tav helped find his way to Ramazith’s a month ago. He looks a bit worse for wear, a bruise marks his cheekbone, perhaps he just runs face first into people all the time. He notices her just moments after she notices him. 

“It’s you!” he blurts out. 

“It’s me,” Tav concurs. “What are you doing here?” 

“Working, I have to earn my keep somehow.” He straightens his back and clears his throat. “Welcome to Sounderous Sundries, how may I assist you today?” 

Tav can’t help but snort out a laugh at the pretend sincerity. 

“I need strings,” Tav says and points to her case on the back. “Gave up on me yesterday and we have a gig in three days.” 

“One should always have spare strings at hand,” he mock-scolds. Tav rolls her eyes.. “Please, follow me.”

Though Tav is fully aware where the strings are located and which ones she wants she decides to indulge him. He leads her to a shelf, one arm folded over his chest and his other hand under his chin. He’s kind of cute like that, she thinks. 

“You should come,” Tav says and gets a questioning look from the man. “To the gig! Could be good for you to listen to some real music instead of that pompous stuff you do at your school.” 

“Excuse me, classical music holds depth and intricacies no other can capture. You’re just uncultured.” He frowns. “But please, enlighten me, what sort of music do you play?” 

“Well, it’s kind of indie rock but with a garage feel and Shadowheart’s voice gives it a bit of a shoegaze vibe,” Tav explains. 

“You’re just making up words.” 

“Ugh, come see for yourself.” Tav digs through her pocket for her phone and opens a blank text. “Give me your number and I’ll send you the details. I might even draw you a map!” 

“Alright,” he mumbles and types in his number on the phone. 

“Cool.” Tav grabs her usual pack of strings and heads towards the counter. 

~*~

After a long day at Sounderous Sundries, Rolan finally gets back to his small dorm room. It doesn’t hold more than a bed, a desk and a small drawer for his clothes but he doesn’t need more. Between school, work or getting “tutored” by Lorroakan he doesn’t spend much time there anyway. 

He pops down on his bed right away and looks through the messages he’s missed during the day. Twenty-five unread messages in the family chat, something about Danis’ birthday. He makes a mental note of sending him a happy birthday later. 

There’s one message from an unknown number, contrary to his better judgement it makes his heart flutter a little bit. 

”hey, it’s tav! the girl from the store n the street. we’re playing at the nightowl, moss promenade 42. on stage at 11pm (we hope). bring friends if u like. see u there! ✨ ”

Oh, she writes like a teenager. His pulse stabilises. 

And bring friends? He hasn’t had time to make any friends. But it would seem strange to show up by himself, if Cal and Lia were here he’d ask them, of course. He could ask the chatty trombonist in his musical history class. He’s a bit annoying but at least he won’t be sitting in the pub alone like some creep. 

“Hi Tav! Good to finally put a name to your face. I’m Rolan by the way. Though I should focus on my studies, perhaps experiencing this “real music” of yours will broaden my knowledge. I shall see you there.”

It doesn’t take long for his phone to buzz again. Is she one of those people who are always on their phone? 

“nice to meet u, rolan! 🌸 grab a drink with me after the show? 🍻 ”

Cal has been on about that he shouldn’t answer people right away, but Rolan’s never really understood the meaning of that. Making someone wait just seems impolite. 

“Nice to meet you too, Tav. I could be persuaded to have a drink or two.”

“betcha i can make it three 😏”

He grins to himself, and types before thinking: 

“Now, now, don’t be greedy.”

Hells, did he just send that? Yes, message sent. No little red exclamation mark. No divine intervention to make his phone dysfunction at this very moment. He throws his phone to the end of his bed and groans into his hands. 

The phone buzzes again and he considers throwing it out the window instead, maybe even throwing himself with it. Avoid whatever scolding she’s got coming for him, change jobs, move to another town. 

But, his curiosity can’t be sated. With a flick of his tail he retrieves the phone. 

“haha maybe i will be 😈 ”

Oh. 

~*~

They’ve set up, sound-checked and warmed up. Everything is as it should be. Still, Tav is nervous. It’s stupid, they’ve played here a couple of times before and they always have a great time. Yet tonight she can’t help but glance out at the crowded bar. 

She doesn’t want to admit she’s searching for a certain face. But she’s definitely searching for a certain face. 

They’ve texted every evening since she got his number and she really thought he’d be here. He gives the impression of enjoying their chats at least. Perhaps she’s just naive. 

“Stop your senseless pining,” Lae’zel scolds her. 

For once in her life, Tav actually agrees with the drummer. She sits down on the sofa in the crowded backstage space that can’t be more than a repurposed cleaning closet. Shadowheart flicks away Tav’s tail that was tapping impatiently against her knee and Karlach shoots her a comforting smile. It’s just a couple of minutes until showtime and she has to get her nerves in order. 

Finally, it’s go time and Tav all but bounces out on stage. In a corner she couldn’t see from the angle backstage, she spots Rolan and a brown haired human by a table. He raises his tankard to her and she shoots him a grin. 

She’s ready. 

Lae’zel counts them in and then they’re off. Tav’s fingers move across the strings at what feels like their own accord, it’s instinct to her and it seems the same magic is working at the rest of the band. Shadowheart’s voice has never been clearer, Karlach solos rip through the whole locale and Lae’zel doesn’t miss a single beat. 

They’re fucking tight. 

Time stops and moves too fast at the same time. Tav is so lost in the moment she doesn't notice their thirty minute gig has run its course until she hears Shadowheart’s voice. 

“We’re Last Light, thank you all for coming!” 

Tav pants and takes a bow toward the cheering crowd before she turns to her bandmates. Even Lae’zel has a hint of a smile on her face. 

“Ladies, you fucking slayed out there!” Tav blurts out and pulls them all into a hug once they’re back in their little cupboard. 

“Right back at ya, rockstar!” 

“You did not disappoint me today.” Lae’zel deadpans. 

“Next time we should play somewhere bigger,” Shadowheart adds. “And for money.” 

They all agree and share one more hug before they make quick work at taking down their equipment. They receive compliments from some of the regulars at the bar and then finally, <i>finally</i>, Tav can get her promised drink for the show they put on. The bartender is even happy enough with their performance to promise them a second and third round. 

Tav gulps down the beer while avoiding other patrons as she manoeuvres herself to the table in the back corner. The men at the table are busy with some discussion that Tav just can't figure out for the love of her life. They seem to be in disagreement though, deep frowns on both of their faces. Tav makes herself known with a small laugh and golden irises turn to her. 

“That was noisy,” Rolan states as a matter of fact. 

“Always a charmer,” Tav teases and sits down next to him. 

“I enjoyed getting a new experience under my belt,” Rolan continues in the same tone. 

“Oh, so close to a compliment.” Tav pats Rolan’s shoulder condescendingly. “Don’t worry, you’ll get it next time.” 

“You’re talented.” A smile spreads on his lips and one of his canines gets stuck on his lower lip. Tav almost chokes on her ale from how utterly adorable it is. 

“Thank you,” Tav mumbles, a blush creeping up on her face, probably turning her usual blue hue into an embarrassing shade of plum. 

In order to regain some decorum she turns to introduce herself to the other man by the table. Within seconds chatter fills the air around. The three of them share stories and laughter. Tav talks about Baldur’s Gate, recommending places to visit and which tourist traps to stay away from. In return she gets to hear about Waterdeep and Elturel. 

When the rest of the band joins the table (“Scoot, everything else is full.”) Rolan wraps an arm around Tav’s waist to pull her with him as he slides down the bench. She tries really hard not to think about how his hand stays on her hip as the night continues on. 

When the last call rings she doesn’t want it to end. 

~*~

“Wanna get a nightcap?” Tav asks. She and him have fallen behind the others on their hunt for a late night meal. 

“I would like to,” Rolan says, furrowing his brows. “But everything is closed.” 

“Oh, I meant at my place,” she says, her face getting that lovely plum hue he noticed earlier in the pub. “But I get it if it’s too forward.” 

Too forward? He’s been too forward all night, holding onto her waist like he owns her. When he had noticed what he had done it was too late to apologise without it getting even more awkward. 

“Okay,” he says, not fully pleased with how pleadingly it comes out. “I mean, yes, I’d like that.” 

“Fantastic! Prepare for a bit of a hike.” 

She grabs his hand and pulls him down a side street. Though it technically isn’t a hike to her flat, just a three minute walk, there are five flights of stairs to climb before reaching Tav’s home. Rolan is panting once he gets to her floor but she doesn’t seem fazed at all. Must be used to it by now. 

Her studio flat is small but charming, cosy even. There’s just enough space for a sofa and a small dining area, and a bed with what seems like an excessive amount of pillows. Posters of different bands he doesn’t recognise decorate the walls. In one corner her bass and an amplifier stand in a messy nest of cables. A thick, maroon carpet fills the floor and she’s extremely stubborn to make him take his shoes off before venturing further into her home. 

The nightcap in question is a choice between a bottom shelf whiskey and an equally low-shelved red wine. He lets her choose for them and releases a small sigh of relief when she grabs two wine glasses. 

Once the glasses are filled, she leans against the kitchen counter. A comfortable silence falls between them as icy blue eyes stare into his golden ones. 

“I think I should thank you,” he muses. 

“Whatever for?” 

“For inviting me tonight.” He takes a step closer to Tav. 

“Hm.” She chews her lip. 

“Hm?” 

“I think you should kiss me.” 

“Ah, with pleasure.” 

With one hand placed just above her tail he pulls her flush to his chest. Their lips meet carefully at first, exploring and testing out each other. It doesn’t take long for mouths to open, she tastes of the cheap wine and something he can’t place, something that’s just her. 

Careful steps lead him backwards until the back of his legs hit the edge of the bed and he sits down, bringing Tav with him, her legs ending up on each side of his thighs. He can’t help but grin against her lips. Eager hands pull at all layers of fabric separating them, Tav’s tank top disappears first, then the zipper of her high-waisted shorts. 

He lies back to admire her plump breasts and soft belly that he wants to run his tongue all over. At the same time she works with the buttons of his shirt and all blood must’ve been redirected to his cock because he doesn’t remember what he looks like underneath the thin cloth before lustful eyes turn into pitying ones. 

“Rolan,” Tav whispers. “What happened to you?” 

His blood freezes. 

“Nothing for you to worry about,” he tries to brush it off but his voice catches ever so slightly. 

“I am many things but I’m no fool.” She gets off of him and sits down to the side of the bed. “I know a beating when I see one.” 

He doesn’t want her to look at him like that, with pity, like he’s some wounded animal she needs to take care of. 

“I said it’s nothing for you to worry about,” he snaps, standing up and buttoning his shirt back up. 

“Please, Rolan.” She grabs his hand. “Who did this to you?” 

He yanks his hand back. 

“I said leave it,” he hisses. “I don’t need your pity.” 

And with that, he leaves Tav’s flat. Slamming the door behind him with a force that invites no argument. 

The streets are empty and cold as he heads home, the metro stopped running an hour ago, but his fury keeps him warm. How could he let his guard down like that? Allow her to within days tear down walls he’s worked hard on to build up. 

No, he’s going to have to rebuild those walls, higher than ever before. He needs to be strong. And he’s stronger alone. 

~*~

She fucked up. Utterly and completely fucked up. Tears stream down her face and it’s so fucking stupid, she’s only known him for three days. And she shouldn’t be crying, he’s the one who’s getting hurt, clearly not ready to talk about it, and she kept prying and prying. 

Fuck! 

She buries her face in her pillow and screams for all she’s got. Somewhere along the night either the alcohol or exhaustion from sobbing claims its victory and she falls into sweet oblivion. 

As she rolls out from her bundle of blankets to slam down on her alarm clock, it’s not only her head that hurts. Her chest aches from how things were left off last night. Without even rubbing the sleep from her eyes, she sends the first text. 

“rolan i'm sorry. i shouldn’t have pried like that”

She gets no answer. She doesn’t really expect one either but she’s still disappointed. 

“i get it if u don’t wanna talk i just need to know if ur alright and got home safe”

Of course he won’t be alright. 

“i’m sorry”

“please just let me know ur safe”

As safe as he can be. 

Shaky hands prepare coffee as she steals glances to the phone on her bed, hoping for the screen to light up before she has to jump into the shower. 

But it doesn’t. It doesn’t light up as she gulps down her coffee and chews down a dried up croissant. It doesn’t light up as she dresses herself for the day. It doesn’t light up as she makes her way to the bistro where she waits tables. 

Tav doesn’t hate her job, she doesn’t like it, but it’s work and she needs the coin. Today’s different though, she can’t even blame it on the hangover she’s rocking, she usually finds work a good distraction to a pounding head. But still the hours drag themselves by and every time she glances at the clock, she finds that no more than a couple of minutes have passed. 

At her lunch break, as she sits in the alley behind the bistro, she finally has time to see if Rolan has answered. Her heart stings to see the only message she’s received is from Karlach. 

“HOW DID IT GO WITH FANCY BOY? 👀 ”

Tav sighs and types. 

“not well, he walked out. my fault tho”

“I’M SORRY TAV. WANNA TALK ABOUT IT?”

“idk i have to get my thoughts in order”

“I GET IT BABES <3 LEMME KNOW IF U CHANGE UR MIND”  

The hours crawl by for the whole day, once she gets home she tries to pluck some lines to a new song they’re working on but nothing sounds right. She tries to listen to the latest Rana De Frey to see if she can feel something else, but even her usually patient neighbours are tired of her bullshit and shut her down with a couple of loud bangs to the wall. 

Just as she’s about to give up for the night, she gets the text she’s been waiting for. 

”I’m fine. Leave me alone.”

~*~

Rolan isn’t sure what he did to set off Lorroakan this time and why extravagant boots keep hitting his abdomen. Every time he thinks he’s got the man figured out something the headmaster takes an unexpected turn and punishes him for something new. 

Perhaps he will never figure him out. 

Perhaps that’s the point.

Something clicks. He almost feels it physically in his mind. 

He’s either going to die in the hands of Lorroakan or he has to get away. 

He knows he’s gambling his future, but he at least he’s not stupid enough to gamble with his life. 

The problem with being in a new city where he hasn’t had time to make any connections is that there’s no one to ask for help from. There was someone who wanted to help him once, but he ruined that chance a month ago. 

Perhaps she’ll forgive him if he just talks to her. Hah, he doesn’t remember getting a blow to his head but he’s clearly not thinking straight. 

But what other choice has he got? He just needs somewhere to go to recover a bit and then he’ll figure out the next steps. 

Though every part of his body aches and pain surges through him with every raspy breath, he stumbles across town. People send him looks, ranging from pitying to pure disgust but no one lends a hand. Bloody Baldurians, he thinks. 

It takes him three attempts to remember the code Tav pressed in. He ignores the iron taste in his mouth and is probably running purely on adrenaline as he makes it up the stairs to her flat. He bangs on the door. 

No one answers. 

And he’s so godsdamned tired. He could go look for her at her rehearsal studio, but his legs won’t carry him any further. He slides down with his back against the wall. 

He’ll wait here for her. He just has to rest his eyes for a bit.

[3terna15unshin3]

Rockstar

Matty won't shut up about Este's success

1103 words

—

a/n: Once again this was not requested but I looooovveeee the idea of Matty being Este’s biggest supporter through big moments in her career so here i wrote about it🥰🥰 it’s a bit short but lmk what u think!

(I wrote an entire 15 chapter fic of this universe! Read it here if you want more Matty and Este😌)

—

“A 35,000 person capacity festival is just unfathomable to me. I can’t even picture that many people—let alone going up and performing for them. Being present in the crowd at your headline set back in 2019, where I specifically remember being impressed by you and your rockstar-esque poise and confidence, I can’t help but wonder if these crazy performances are an easier pill to swallow now? With that experience?”

Matty humbly shot down the ‘rockstar’ comment.

“That’s very kind, but I mean the festival crowds are something I really will never get used to. The pure size of them is one thing, but there’s also this energy of needing to win them over. Keep their attention. It’s a lot of pressure, so I don’t think I can say that I find it easy.”

The interviewer nodded their head in understanding, comfortably sat on a chair across from Matty and asking him a few questions before him and the band took the stage at Big Weekend 2023 in Dundee.

“Yeah, totally. And I’m sure it’s interesting going straight into a summer full of these big festivals straight after the break you’ve just been on, right?” They asked.

He draped one leg over the other before answering. “A bit. It’s always nice to warm back up with a headline show since that’s where we feel the most comfortable. Also—as silly as it sounds—three weeks was a long fucking time. For me, at least. When we’re in an album cycle and touring the shit out of it, it’s so rare for us to stop for that long.”

“What do you get up to when you’re off nowadays? I can sense a workaholic vibe from you, so is that time spent in the studio? Jumping to the next thing now that Being Funny has been out and heard and loved?” The interviewer said in a thick Scottish accent, shuffling their cards as they spoke.

“You sensed the vibe correctly,” Matty confirmed, “though it’s not entirely ‘work’ to me, I guess. It’s just the way I make sense of the world, sort of dunno what else I’d do. So yes, I did write and I am working on the next album. But I didn’t get around to it right away, since I spent some time celebrating first,”

“That’s a very artistic answer, Matty. That writing isn’t work and is ‘the way you make sense of the world’,” They joked, earning a sheepish chuckle from Matty. “May I ask if you were celebrating anything in particular? The success of your UK tour?”

“It wasn’t that self indulgent,” he explained, “I was hoping you’d ask because I love talking about it. My girlfriend is a writer for The Guardian, and she just had a huge piece of hers published. She’s the real rockstar out of the both of us, to be honest.” Matty’s face immediately lit up at the chance to gush about Este, figuring she wouldn’t mind.

He thought back to moment she gave him a call to break the news with a fond smile.

“Hi, love.” he said after he picked up.

Este was bursting at the seams with joy to say what she said next. She couldn’t even bear to greet him a ‘hello’ back.

“It’s going to be on the front.”

He dropped the chopsticks once gripped in his hands. “You’re fucking joking.”

Her smile was so wide it hurt her cheeks as she paced around the small office she shared with a few other writers she worked with. She giggled, nodding even though Matty couldn’t see her.

“17th of May. They chose mine as the Culture spotlight,” Este explained, “So there’s a snippet headline on the cover, and then you’ll flip to Books & Entertainment and my name will be the biggest one. Not just in my usual column.”

“You’re fucking joking me!” He repeated himself, audibly joyful with a volume so high she had to pull her phone away from her ear.

“Matty, you’re screaming. I hope you’re not in public,”

He was, and didn’t care. “I’m at a very nice and small Japanese restaurant that is so quiet that every single person here is looking at me like I’m crazy, for your information. Este’s on the fucking cover!” Matty exclaimed equally as loud.

She heard busy and happy commotion in the back, making out a few congratulatory remarks from the guys and the touring crew. Blush crept onto her cheeks, trying to squeeze a ‘thank you’ through to them between Matty and his continued rambles.

“I’m just so fucking proud, baby. Every time I get to read the newest thing you write it somehow tops the last—I don’t know how you do it. Actually, it’s quite annoying. Seems too effortless. It’s about time they print your name all big!” he endlessly complimented.

“I love you so much.” Este shortly said.

He could hear the grin in her voice. “Can’t be that much if I love you more,” Matty argued, “Sorry that was a bit cringe. Hann is rolling his eyes. You’re in love too, bro! Don’t act like I’m weird for it!”

“Her name’s Este Manansala, by the way. M-A-N-A-N-S-A-L-A,” Matty spelt out her surname to make sure they got it correctly, “She writes on books and literature, so it was an article about Yellowface by R.F. Kuang, a new novel out. A really, really thought-provoking conversation about white vs. minority authors—the nuances of being an author of colour. From a great perspective, too, since she’s Filipino and a woman and an immigrant. You should go read it,”

He stared down the camera lens to the hypothetical viewers, as if he could say it straight to them.

“But hell, check out all of her past stuff as well. Genuinely the most humble and intelligent human I’ve ever known. Plus I’ve written pretty much every love song of mine since like 2019 about her, so if you like my music then you have her to thank as well. Anyway—I’ve just overtaken this interview to talk about my girlfriend—sorry, mate.” apologised Matty, though he wasn’t all that apologetic.

“Don’t be sorry! I love it. She sounds incredible,” The interviewer beamed, matching his energy and feeling the admiration Matty had for her through the air.

“She is.” He smiled wide.

“If she really is the rockstar like you described, I feel like I can say that you’re her groupie.”

They belly-laughed together. Matty pictured Este’s smug expression and the way she’d definitely use that line to tease him in the future.

“Oh—I’m telling her you just said that. She’ll love it. Because you 100% can.”

[forgetmenot-mymoon]

CMYK ALBUM: Right as Rain Po Uta x Sabotage Len

Authors note: Obviously this is based off the CMYK album by Cirucsp and on Mors (11vein) drawings of the CMYK cast. I've been wanting to write this for a while, I finally used pride month as an excuse to do it. I might eventually make a part two.

Cw: Smoking, weed, Len

Crushed Cigarettes

That stupid blonde shitbag keeps stealing my cigarettes and hiding them. I paid Luka 40 dollars to keep mine safe and sound, she supplies the others like big Al so it wasn’t hard to convince,  I'm not stupid enough to trust Luka with all my stash though, but god every time I buy some and look through my draws they're all gone. At most they disappear in 3 days then I have to get some from Luka... As I debate how to keep my goods safe the twink passes by, I didn't even have a fuckin cigarette.  He looked like a fucking lil brat with his height, looking up at me like I was a criminal. 

“What do you want now? I’m not even smoking,” 

“Could you babysit Una and her friend? I need to do pilot stuff,”

“What the fuck is pilot stuff? Flying? Smoking?”

“I do not smoke. Furthermore, it’s none of your business, Len.”

“If I have to babysit it is my business, why can’t the others at CMYK do it?”

“Most of them can’t really be trusted-“

“Aw, but I can be? I’m flattered!”

“…Okay, I’m gonna go find someone else,”

“No, no, I can do it!”

“…For some reason, I don’t believe you,” He glared and stormed off fidgeting with his nice leather jacket.

Yeah he’ll be back, no way he’s gonna find someone in this shit hole.

I stand corrected, a couple of days later I passed the blondie,

“Hey Port! You still need a babysitter?”

“Oh, no, I found someone,”

“You- who??” He didn’t even complain about me calling him Port. What the fuck.

“Miki agreed, she’s new,”

“…who?” I haven't seen anyone new around here, I know I stay in my room a lot but I'm not a vampire. Is he joking? Po points out a lady talking to Una, I'm pretty sure that's Luka.

“The reddish hair,” Their lips move as he points to her, and her face comes into view-

“Oh- WAIT THAT'S NOT LUKA?”

“What- no- they look completely different- Luka doesn’t have red hair???” 

“Both of them have almost the same color!”

“I’m leaving, you're not all there” 

Fucking hell! I was okay with babysitting- I didn’t think he would actually find someone-

I should follow after them but I won’t. 

——

It’s been weeks, and the babysitting shit is happening today. I'm staying in the CMYK mansion (Technically Luka owns it,) to help out. If I can catch Miki messing up Port will rely on me again! Is she even fuckin supposed to be part of CMYK? She might just be one of Luka’s girlfriends. I smash into pink hair while I think, even dropping my cigarette that I wasn’t fucking finished with it. The pink-haired stomps it out quickly, probably fearing a fire.

“Those can cause a cancer of a fire,” Miki states calmly, i don't like her.

“I’m dead,”

“Oh…”

“Yeah,”

“Well it’s still not good for the kids, doesn’t Po-Uta have a rule against that stuff?”

“He doesn’t control me.” My voice snapped and went off as cold as ice, fuck. She just walked away.

God fuckin dammit. 

While I pace in the upstairs hall I notice a new addition to Port’s room, a lockbox shining out of the bottom of the bed. Wow, They're so stupid for leaving their door open, god it’s like he trusts people, big mistake. I smirk, time to go get some hair pins from Una, 

“Hey kid, you got any hairpins?” 

“Hiiii Len!! There’s some in the bathroom!!”

“Thanks,” 

“Can we go to the aquarium again soon?”

“Uh- oh- you’ll have to ask Po,” Last time we were kicked out soooo that’s definitely not happening especially if I’m the babysitter, which by the way I’m her FAVORITE babysitter. Speaking of…

“Where’s Miki?”

“She’s downstairs watching TV,”

Hmm, I note that as I steal some hair pins from the little cup Una keeps them in, the cup is decorated with various stickers and even bedazzled a bit. It was a gift from Rana.

I leave with a small wave and head to the Ports room, it has some rain candles and some dried flowers strung around different places, it’s a very spring, April vibe. There’s a lot of blues mixed with some subtle light pinks. It’s like a flower meadow. There are a couple posters too one of just a hand…it’s pretty in here. Anyway back to the lockbox! I crouch and pull it out, it’s not heavy and doesn’t look that secure so I simply pick it…one tick…two ticks...three ticks! 

Ohhh, I’ve hit the jackpot! Cigarette lottery!! So here’s where the twink put all his stash! All of them were stolen from me. I'll just steal them back…and something else, I pick one of the model planes off their window seal, his pride possession. They’ll immediately know it’s me since I don't clean up anything as I leave the scene of the crime. He’ll finally come to talk to me.

I was playing Fortnite about uh, 3 hours later, my door slammed open and blondie stepped in.

“Where the fuck is my model you asshat?”

“Ooh, we cursing today? It’s on the windowsill hon.”

“Don’t call me that," He snatches the plane off the window seal along with some of my packs on the table.

“Hey, hey,” I say standing up, glaring at him and his stupid teal sweater.

“You can’t steal them then I steal them then you steal them again Po, that’s not fair.”

“Me having to smell nicotine isn’t fair either.”

“Nothings fair in love and war Porter,”

“Go suck a dick!” Po marched to my door, looked back for 3 seconds to just glare at me then slammed it, I lit a cigarette and dozed off.

Goddamnit I wake up with a shutter, nightmares- oh I forgot to try to expose Miki! I’m such a fucking dumbass…she’ll probably be asked to babysit again too…fuck. 

——

For the next couple of weeks, I stalk, I can kinda go invisible cause y'know I’m dead. I stalk the red-haired bitch around, she babysits three more times but all she does is play dolls with Una and Rana, takes them to the beach once, and watch tv. I get fucking nothing which means…I need help- not mental- well yes mental- but not right now.

If anything it’s the opposite.

Risu.

I smoke weed while I tell the crazy bitch all the details while she stares at one of her giant cylinders, a cyan clone. It won’t live long, they murder them all eventually. They are all like flowers to her, beautiful but meant to die as decor. Ugh, this is too deep I take another hit. Her hair is frizzy from being busy, the white mixing with the black as they turn to face me, away from her other tools and vials of who knows what.

“So are you trying to date Po-uta?” 

“WHAT-” There goes being stoned!

“You seem to be wanting his attention then sabotaging yourself,” They said giggling quietly,

“I do not WANT his attention, he’s ugly he’s like so saturated and stupid and his hair isn’t as soft as it could be cause he doesn’t take care of the shit. Like I tell him what products are best and he fuckin ignores it all, such a shithead.

Risu stared at me like she had never seen me before, blinked, sighed then uttered “You’re colorblind, everything’s saturated!”

“No, the fuck I am not!” Just because I see differently doesn't mean I'm colorblind, god I hate women.

“…okay, it’s not like I created you or anything,” she shrugs, their lab coat is splattered in fresh CMYK, some of it drips to the floor settling with age-old stains.

“Yeah, you didn’t!”

She pauses, they pull their mask up higher. “…why did you come here? Just for weed? I’m busy and my printers starting to run out of ink.” 

“Are you asking me to run an errand?” I take a hit before continuing. I need everything I can get. “I’ll do it if you tell me some dirt on Miki,”

“You are strange but I’ll play along.” She said crossing their arms. I stand, my vision gets consumed by dots for a couple of seconds. I walk off. I just have to walk to the store- darn it I forgot my wallet! I realize as I shut the door to Risu's. Ugh, I go back to the mansion, I feel a bit sick as I open the door- I immediately run into the twink- or he runs into me, I giggle.

“What?” “You're so short Porter.”

They're silent, I giggle again, “Do you know where my wallet is?

“I assume in your room?”

“..mm” I make a noise, this is a good chance for time with the twink, maybe I can learn more about Miki.

“Can you go with me to get it?”

“What!? Are you scared of your own ghosty basement or something??”

“Just come on!”

“Did you smoke?? I smell weed. You can't come in here high! There's children!” he yells and rants while following me down the stairs. 

“Ah,” Their shoes scuffle a bit, I assume the blondie almost tripped.

“Don't trip sweetheart.”

“Shut up!” Heh, I love being high when someone else trips. We get to my room, I grab my wallet then grab a pack and light one while Port death stares at me.

“Can you get any worse? You're already high on weed.” He sighs, rubbing his forehead like I'm an annoying 3 year old.

“I can always get worse Porter,”

“Yeah, i have nightmares about that,”

“I have nightmares about my death.” I say then take a long hit, the smoke fills my lungs getting rid of the darkness for at least a moment.

Po doesn't know what to say so I pat his shoulder as I go to walk upstairs, They're too shocked to even yell at me. Which was the point. As I shut the front door I wished I stayed to talk to him more- Ugh never mind that- I'm dead, I'll get plenty of time especially after I expose the bitch, Miki. These thoughts haunt me as I walk up the block to the tiny convenience store. How does a small store like it have printer ink? Risu magic that's how, plus a small store is all big Al could handle. Thankfully since Al loves detrimental things, the store has a nice collection of vapes and cigarette brands, i only get the expensive ones when it's a special occasion though…or to annoy Po-uta, if I get one that smells a bit worse, he has a fit its hilarious. I walk in the smell to the delicious smell of vape- or Maki's perfume- it's hard to tell the difference with how good the smells are getting. Perhaps both with how much Maki visits, she's not here now though considering Al is asleep. I look around and go to the back, the back is where all the ink is, in fucking rows of CMYK boxes, all giant and stacked up, that's what Risu’s cloning shit needs, ugh carrying it's gonna be a bitch, and I'm not stupid enough to wake up Al. If he's not awake that means I can steal, I open the little counter door and go in to grab some packs

“Po..is that you needing another lockbox again?...y-you've…three,., week”

...I take a breath and try to ignore the implication that the stupid asshole is doing that much to keep cigarettes away from me. I take as many packs as I can-including a couple of expensive horrible-smelling ones that I will smoke in that stupid pilot's room- I shove them in my cargo shorts. Then I go back and pick up the stupid box of printer ink and head back, I lose my grip multiple times. I'm forced to just sit it down every once in a while. There's a gym in the mansion, I guess this is proof I need to use it more. When I'm semi-near Risu's lab, I opt to just push it down with my foot. You would think a god could do this herself...I did offer though. The doors are heavy as concrete so I push them open and then kick the box in. Risu looks at me with a mixture of excitement for the box and disgust for me. Po looks at me the same when I bring shit home. God, I'm worthless. 

“Thanks for the box Len,” They say as she snaps her fingers and it teleports to the corner next to her giant human printer- Could they have done that the until time- Well I did offer first. Fuck this.

“Please tell me you know something about Miki,”

“Hmm, well Miki's nice but she's barely official if you ask me. I don't know why Luka lets her stay there. “

“Is that it-" I say getting pissed but then she interrupts,

“Well, she’s a positive young woman, there's not much on her, maybe argue with Po about her cable usage?” God, sometimes I wish I wasn't dead so I could die again.

I take a deep sigh, “I’ll go do that, thanks.” She smiled as i left. I basically limp back to the mansion, so fuckin' tired. I creep down the stairs and then flop on my bed, not bothering to even look around-

“You’re home early,”

“WHATTHEFUCK-” I practically jump up. The stupid twink was looking at me from their seat at my desk. “Why the fuck are you in my room?!”

“Stealing your cigarettes,”

I stand and march over to him. I turn my pockets and dump all my stash on the floor except one of the expensive ones which I hold in my hand. I grab my lighter on the ebony desk and light one, I haven't blinked since I started staring into those stupid damn eyes. Port stared back, not blinking either until he scoffed and stormed out, but he didn't even take any. A few moments later I go upstairs to the little calendar whiteboard in the kitchen. My cigarette burning in hand, I grin as the marker smoothly creates,

Len: 1 Po Uta: 0

 Ah, the kitchen. This is where I do all my thinking

I giggled as I headed to the fridge for a late-night snack, I doubt I'll sleep tonight, never really do. There's fucking nothing, it's as empty as my stomach and I'm too tired to cook ramen or something. So I go to the cabinets and rip open a bag of chips. I glance out the window beneath the cabinets, It's only been a couple of years since my death but it feels like yesterday, the moon is the same shape it was that night. Well, I was killed a lot of times but for some reason (A Risu reason,) I didn't come back to life. I’m sure Rin’s ecstatic without me. I crush my cigarette on the counter and light another, leaving it for Mr. Know-it-all to find. Fresh air doesn't sit right when you've got nicotine. I hear footsteps, as I take another hit, sadly it's not Port, must be Una.

I crush the cigarette and open the fridge as she steps in, “You want juice, milk or water?”

“Juice!”

“Okay, coming right up kid.” I grab the jug- my arms still sore from the box- along with a small cup, she doesn't need to drink that much at night, it would only keep her up.

“Thank you!” she practically skips out, I bet she's calling with Rana. I finally limp back to my room, it's fucking 2 am already where does the time go? Eh, it'll be another hour of staring at the ceiling before I can sleep.

When I woke up I was greeted with a comforting waft of pollen and petals up my nose. An age-old sensation, the smell of roses. I used to have a garden of roses, my favorites were pink ones just like the bouquet on my nightstand. Did that stupid twink sneak in while I was asleep? Do they know privacy?

Motherfucker. 

I will admit they are pretty though. Ugh my face better still be as white as a ghost, I put my hand to my cheek it’s warm- it’s more of as red as a tomato. 

Well, this is another excuse to confront Po. My determination ignited by this unwanted gift so I stomp up my stairs and then the stupid damn spiral staircase to the upper floor. Why Luka has spiral staircases I will never understand. Rich people. I light one(an expensive one) when I finally get up, needing a break but I persist. The door's closed, which means he’s in there, the fuck never leaves it open. I knock…no answer so I knock again, there’s shuffling then ta-dah the door is open. My breath struggles for a moment, his hair is a fucking mess! I can barely contain my laughter. Idiot, Their eyes are tired but still annoyed at my existence, some things never change. The shortie opens the door wider- They only have his boxers and sweater on- okay ignoring that. 

“What do you want Len? It’s 9 am,” 

“Most businesses are open by now,” 

“What do you want?” I push him aside as I step into the room,

“Flowers,” 

They looked at me puzzled, “You have some downstairs, didn't you see them?" I nod, "And there are some flowers in Luka’s garden- she pays some of us just to care for them…which you always refuse to do. Those roses are from there. I planted some that I got on my errands to the store.”

“That’s your pilot stuff huh.” I smile as I put my cig in my mouth and take another hit, if he hadn’t given me flowers I would’ve blown it in his face, instead, I turned. Lucky bastard.

I wonder how long he was up working on that bouquet- I regret not looking at it more, the vase and wrapping looked really nice- I’ll check on it later and give it a good stare. Maybe it’ll help me sleep. I glance at the windowsill, the model plane is already back where it belongs. They always keep everything looking so brand new. Heh, Port can’t keep me like that though, since I’m dead and annoying.

“What’s that smile? You better not be thinking of stealing a plane again.”

“Never sweetheart.”

“You shouldn’t call me that stuff.”

“Why not honey?” I quietly say as Po takes a long sip of the water he grabbed off his nightstand. I can his throat move as he shallows hot. I take another hit- 

Suddenly his lips were on mine.  

“What the fuck,” I gasp, it ends as soon as it started,

“Well that got you to stop smoking for a second,” He smirks as he lifts up the cigar I had, drops it, and steps on it, all in that order. “The smell was annoying, it could bother Una.”- He should be glad the carpet didn’t catch- What the fuck. They show me a pack- my pack- he fucking pit-pocketed me when we kissed! What the fuck! 

“Give them back you fucking asshole, I swear to god!” I grab their wrists and he just laughs, such a fuckbag. I hear a thud, god fucking dammit now he’s pinned to a wall fuck my life.

“uh…Len?”

“Shit- I didn't mean too- is your head okay?”

“I...I'm fine,”

“Are you sure?” gently touch their head…his hair has gotten softer, maybe they finally listened to my shampoo advice. He just nods, shaking a bit, stupid blondie won't even make eye contact. 

He squirms out of my grip, his smile a challenge. It’s cute but this is going too far, “I’ll see you later you little shit” I say -it’s not what I want to say- I walk out as I backhand wave, his smile collapses. Another thing on the regret list. 

Every step felt heavier as I walked back to my room. I stay in bed the rest of the day and stare at the damn ceiling, sometimes catching glances at the wonderful bouquet next to me. The scent may not be strong but it’s like a comforting blanket. I almost dozed off a few times cause of it. 

A few minutes later, Someone knocks, I pretend to sleep, knock again, and continue pretending a couple minutes later the door opens. I know it’s blondie by the silent footsteps, but not so silent that I can’t tell they’re wearing boots. Out of instinct when Po gets close enough, I reach out and grab his wrist, “AH-“ he falls on the ground with a quiet thump.

“You’re an idiot Porter- what time is it?” I wonder how long it’s been- I sometimes stay in bed for days without realizing- this may just be a wellness check. 

I sit up, “Wow, now you’re on your knees huh?”

“It’s 3 pm on a Thursday,”

“Ah I’ve been here awhile, well, I’m alive you can leave now- well not alive but y'know-“ I flop back down on the bed 

“Could you give me my cigarettes Po? Also the vase is really pretty, I can tell you tried.” 

I wasn’t gonna say thank you. 

“I’m not giving you those cancer sticks, so are we gonna talk about what happened upstairs or what?” He says as he stands up and dusts off his pants. 

“There’s nothing to talk about, it’s basically happened a couple times.”

“That’s my point. I’m not leaving till we talk about it.”

“You’re an asshole,”

“Yes, you call me that every day Len,”  

I glare at the blondie, his cheeks are soft with a slight blush, I wonder if they ever wear makeup as I stare into those stupid big eyes,

“You have bug eyes,”

“Are you going to insult me till I leave?”

“Yep, your hair is too fluffy, did you take the advice I gave you months ago?”

“Okay first it wasn’t fluffy enough, now it’s too much?”

“It has to be just right, like mine,”

“You haven’t showered in a decade!” They say exasperated from me already,

“Yeah, I’m dead!” I retort. I look at the pink roses, they are pretty- oh shit yeah Miki!

“Miki watches too much tv and Una likes me better, so i don't think she should babysit.”

Port looks like he wants to die as he sighs, he does that a lot around me.

“Okay well how about you babysit?”

“I don’t wanna babysit,"

He stays silent looking at me his head cocked, eventually after a few seconds the blondie continues,

“Well Maki's been telling me how she won’t be able to babysit all the time, so I need someone and the others already said no,”

“You’re gonna force me to babysit again? Even after the aquarium incident?”

“What-“

“Ohh, no one ever told you- uh nothing,” I didn't think the others would keep that a secret! A moment of silence follows suit, Po's mouth an o shape. I giggle before continuing,

"Why can't Flower do it?"

"It's Flower, they're a mental health crisis of their own, more than even you. Anyway yes you're gonna babysit, and you’re going to the diner with me on Friday” 

“What-

“See you then, I’ll tell you when you get to babysit there!” They give me a smirk showing off those nice fucking teeth of his. 

Oh my god, he’s such an asshole. 

Suddenly Port pops back in, 

“Oh, there’s fireworks tonight in the backyard!” 

I fucking grind my teeth, fine. After he’s gone I go upstairs, I need to make sure he doesn’t think I’m going up for his ass.

Asshole.

[euphoricesctasy]

giacomo (pokemon scavio) NSFW alphabet <3

no one asked for this but i wanted to do it anyway :D

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex) honestly at first, giacomo has no aspect of aftercare. it’s not that he doesn’t care about you - it’s more so an ignorance thing. he’s sorta like ‘wow that was awesome, now lemme do something else i find awesome’, and he’ll be off. if you don’t tell him, ‘hey, actually stay in bed and cuddle with me a little’, he won’t. again, he doesn’t do it on purpose, he just doesn’t really understand the point of aftercare.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s) he likes all of himself. he’s not narcissistic per se, he’s just confident, and doesn’t really have a reason to not like any part of himself.  his favourite body part on his partner is their ass. since i started writing gia smut, i’ve been an avid believer that gia is an ass man all the way. he LOVES your ass.  

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically) giacomo will cum on your body 99% of the time. usually on your ass. he just loves seeing himself on you (and he can use it as an album cover if he distorts the image enough) - it gives him a giant ego boost. if you’re giving him a blowjob, he’ll cum in your mouth. it just feels warm and nice. he will also OCCASIONALLY cum in you, but that’s super rare, and it’s usually when he’s feeling a little more intimate. 

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs) he definitely wants to try anal at some stage, but he’s scared you won’t want to and he doesn’t want to get rejected, so he just keeps it to himself and prays that you bring it up someday.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?) i feel like gia would be a LIIIIITTTLEEE experienced (maybe like one or two previous partners), but let’s not forget he was also an entire LOSER at one stage and everyone hated him, so his experienced is probably super limited. he knows what he’s doing (or he likes to think he does), though, and he’s a super quick learner. he’s also an avid porn watcher and has learnt a decent amount from that. 

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying) D O G G Y i have been saying this since day 1. giacomo is a doggy man through and through. a suuuuper vast majority of the time, he’ll have you with your back arched downwards - but sometimes (very very VERY rarely) he’ll ~spice it up~ a little and fuck you in missionary. he also likes when you ride him (cowgirl or reverse cowgirl, he doesn’t really care), because of the closeness and the intimate aspect to it. 

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.) he CAN be funny during sex - but he’s more mouthy and teasing most of the time. some of the most common things you’ll hear from him are ‘can’t hear ya, princess. you’ve gotta moan louder.’ or alternatively, ‘just like that. nice and loud for me’.  after you’ve finished, he’ll make a few little humorous comments like ‘shit, that was better than all my shows combined!’, or little comments like that, that probably aren’t even meant to come across as funny, but still do. 

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.) he doesn’t really care about shaving or trimming, he’ll do it if you ask, and occasionally he’ll do it because ‘he thinks you’ll like the surprise’. 

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)  giacomo can be romantic, but it’s not common. usually he just likes to make teasing comments (i go into this in a little more detail further down in the post) while taking you at a steady pace, but if he’s feeling especially romantic, he’ll take you in missionary and whisper sweet nothings to you - “so beautiful.. can’t believe you’re mine..” “i love you, princess..” but overall. he’s not super romantic during sex. 

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon) honestly, he doesn’t jack off too much. even before you, he didn’t really jack off much. sure, he does it every now and again, he’s a guy after all, but he’s not one of the guys who’ll sit there and jerk off for HOURS. most of the time he’ll just let his horniness subside by itself, if you’re not in the mood of course. 

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks) he’s not super kinky, he has a MILD exhibition kink (but for others hearing you both, not so much seeing you). he LOVES LOVES hearing you moan, he'll do anything to hear you chant his name over and over.  it’s not a kink per se, but he is super into taking you from behind - he loves it so so so much.  he’s into the basics (light choking and light hair pulling) but nothing scandalous. 

L = Location (favorite places to do the do) he honestly prefers semi-private places - but he’s down for anywhere as long as it isn’t RIGHT in public. he’ll take you in different spots around the base, the safest place being in his tent, but if he’s feeling risky, he’ll take you by the vending machines.  he likes other people to hear whats happening, but not see it.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going) ass. bodycon dresses, short shorts, short skirts, tight shorts, tight pants - anything that shows off your ass. he is a horny man in general, but giacomo will take you any where, any time if you’re wearing something that really shows off your body.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs) he probably wouldn’t want to be pegged. also ‘nothin’ too weird’, in his words. gia wouldn’t be into anything SUPER hardcore - honestly i feel like beside the more basic kinks, he wouldn’t be into much, a lot of it would turn him off either out of nervousness that he wouldn’t be able to do it right, or out of disgust (gia definitely kink shames, unfortunately)

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.) he prefers receiving, 100%. sitting at his desk, working on tracks, while you’re on your knees ? heaven. he LOVES head.  he’s not SUPER big on eating you out, but he’ll do it occasionally, either when you ask or when he feels like it. he’s pretty good at it, he’s not AMAZING but he definitely doesn’t suck at it. 

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.) giacomo sits right in between fast and rough, and slow. he’s not SUPER fast, but he most definitely isn’t slow. he fucks you at just the right pace, but he speeds up towards the end when he feels like he’s gonna cum. 

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.) he doesn’t mind them - he’s just sorta indifferent to them. of course he’d prefer to have you for hours at a time, but if he can only take you for a few minutes, that better than not at all right?

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.) he’s totally up for risk-taking, at least, he thinks he is. he’s up for it, and then gets a little nervous, but once he says ‘fuck it, let’s just do it’, he’s fine.  he’s open to anything you wanna do, even if he thinks he might not like it. he just wants to give everything a go, who knows - he might end up enjoying it, and then that’s something else you can add to your ~sexy~ times.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?) he has GOOD stamina. his stamina is entirely fuelled by you, though. the louder your pretty moans are, the more he’s gonna wanna fuck you so he can hear you for longer.  

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?) there has never been a day in giacomo’s life that he’s ever even thought about buying or using a toy. now that he’s with you, it’s crossed his mind (a cute little vibe nestled right above your clit, buzzing just fast enough to get you moaning even louder), but he won’t bring it up unless you do. he probably won’t use any, ever. he just doesn’t see the point or find them appealing.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease) he LOVES teasing. he’ll usually do it when he’s busy, though. he could be working on a new track, but he’ll be doing it one handed, because he’ll have you across his lap, his free hand circling your clit, and eventually dipping his fingers into you. he’ll have you like this for hours, keeping you edged for as long as he wants.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.) he makes an average amount of noise. he LOVES hearing you, so he consciously makes sure he isn’t too loud so he doesn’t drown out your moans. 

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character) y’all remember that reddit post about the guy who fucked his gf to this shitty ass song for YEARS ? (if you don’t, it’s this: https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/x35iu6/tifu_my_20f_girlfriend_of_two_years_told_me_the/) yeah, this is gia. not all the time, but occasionally he’ll fuck you to some shitty soundcloud song he swears by. sometimes he’ll fuck you to his own songs. 

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes) his italian genes CARRIED here. this man is 6ish inches, give or take. he’ll tell you that he’s 6.5/7, though, just for his own ego boost. 

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?) gia is one horny man. he is almost constantly horny - but can you blame him ? the sight of you, the thought of you even, drives him insane. if he seems lost in thought, chances are he’s thinking about how he’d like to rail you right where you two are.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards) if you did the do at night time, i feel like he wouldn’t sleep immediately afterwards, but he also wouldn’t stay up for hours afterwards either. he’d stay up for a little, do whatever it is he didn’t get to finish during the day, and maybe then he’d head to sleep. 

[putschki1969]

[KEIKO]  "CUTLERY" Feels Like a Collection of Short Stories with Various Main Characters

Source: https://avexnet.jp/column/detail.php?id=1000604

Interesting tidbits:

All songs were written by a different composer and feature a different type of protagonist. It was fun for Keiko to slip into various roles

She explains her fast-paced releases with wanting to escape boredom. Everyone is getting bored easily these days and constantly looking for change (including herself) so having all these new singles and a new album every year feels exciting to her [I obviously understand the thought process behind this but I’d personally prefer higher quality and less frequency]

The title “CUTLERY” was inspired by her regular Uber Eats orders. Every order seems to have an option to add “cutlery”. Keiko feels like most people are probably familiar with the term by now. They are fashionable everyday items so the word seemed fitting for an album title

Keiko decided on the tracklist order by trying to find the most suitable placement within a person’s daily life (commuting, working, taking a walk, spending time at home, relaxing in bed, etc)

For the beginning she wanted some exciting up-tempo songs so no one would get bored. “Watashi Update” basically had to be even more crazy and unexpected than “Alcohol”. She compares “Watashi Update” to modern J-POP which apparently has a lot of words and less music. [Maybe one of the reasons why II can’t really get into this type of song]

The lyrics for “Watashi Update” are described as eccentric and rather self-centred. They reflect the thoughts of a young protagonist who is rambling to herself. That’s something that resonated with Keiko.

“Alcohol” with its sound and lyrics is quite sexy. Even though Keiko doesn’t drink alcohol she thinks the song has “Keiko-vibes”. It conveys a sort of tsukkomi image.

“Yoru no Uso to” features a very reserved and polite woman putting up a strong front in the face of a separation. The song awakens thoughts of someone you hold dear. Thoughts you wouldn’t usually allow yourself to indulge. Keiko feels like everyone has those kinds of feelings about someone which you would rather avoid or keep secret (whether it be a person of the opposite sex or the same sex) [Ohhh! Keiko once again sneaking in some possible hints. Makes the song even better!]

“KIRAI.” is apparently a song fitting for the TikTok generation but it probably also appeals to millennials. Keiko really likes it when girls are defiant and just won’t put up with any shit basically. The many rhymes and wordplays make the song sound light and fun but the topic is actually not that light since Keiko is singing about various worries of girls.

“Close to you” is soft and mature. A time to catch your breath between “KIRAI.” and “Amanojaku”. The structure is not very dynamic so quite unorthodox but it’s a gentle build-up. This was originally supposed to be in “dew” but she didn’t think it would fit.

Keiko highlights the peculiar guitar arrangement in “Amanojaku”. The song was written by a guitarist so there’s a lot of attention on the guitar. She thinks the girl in this song is incredibly cute.

“Fly, Black Swan” has a nice bass. Originally it was more jazz-y and digital sounding. The protagonist of this song is once again a woman but this time from the point of view of a man.

“Yura Yura” also has a sort of jazz-y feel but very different to the previous track. Strong vocals and impressive strings are what stands out here. There is a nostalgic and sentimental atmosphere.

“Your” was difficult. They lowered the key significantly compared to the original demo. She was advised to sing this a little aggressively and sharply with a strong male image.

“Hitori Janai Kara” was born out of her feelings during and after the pandemic. But she didn’t want a song that was too pushy and in your face. She feels like everyone has released songs like that during the pandemic because depression was strong. This is just a quiet statement to take time and face yourself.

[streamafterlaughter]

Fundamental Differing

Chapter II: Like A Lover, Not A Dancer

masterlist | playlist | chapter I

summary: Your album release show goes off without a hitch. For you, at least.

tags/warnings: rockstar!reader x rockstar!gn!afab!reader, mention of reader having boobs (feel free to skip that), slow burn, pining, angst, steve is impartial and the bestest best friend forever. mentions of blood/bruises/injury (non specific)

a/n: please don’t hate me i swore i’d make this one a Real slow burn but idk how imma do that without taunting us all. Please reblog to support the author!

Disclaimer: I do not give permission to have my work reposted on other sites. Reblogs are more than welcome, but please inform me if you find my work elsewhere unless otherwise stated.

Eddie’s POV

Pacing the length of his living room, Eddie talks aloud, mostly to himself, while his band mates sit along the couch, unsure how to help him out of his spiral.

“How am I supposed to mentally prepare for this? This is the biggest tour of our lives, and it’s with the one person capable of throwing me off my game. The one person that knows all of my weaknesses, everything that makes me tick. How am I supposed to be the person everyone thinks I am? They’re gonna see right through that shit.” He pivots to face his friends, and none of them can make eye contact. “Suggestions would be super appreciated right now!”

Gareth speaks then, timidly, “Ed, man, they probably feel the same way. You know all there is to know about Y/n. You’re both gonna go to extreme lengths to avoid each other just to realize neither of you have anything to worry about.”

“Yeah, my bet is you’ll be talkin’ like old friends within the first week.” Jeff chimes in. The two chuckle, until they see the expression on Eddie’s face. His lips are pressed together in a thin line, his eye twitching slightly as he attempts to keep his composure. “It’s true!” Jeff throws his hands above his head in surrender.

“Don’t get my hopes up like that, man. They broke up with me, ‘member? ‘Course ya do, I slept on your couch for a month when it happened.” His words wipe the smile from his friends’ faces. “I can’t walk around hoping and praying they’ll want anything to do with me. That can’t be who I am.” Eddie flops into the recliner across from them, defeated.

-

Your POV

You land in LA at 2:00PM, and are immediately rushed into a rental car, courtesy of Elektra Records. You’d been to California only once before, when you and Eddie had hit a restless phase and took a road trip to visit Will and El.

Now, though, instead of a big, dirty van, you’re in a sleek town car, on your way to The fucking Roxy to attend your band’s album release party. It feels like every sacrifice you’d made in the last two years finally makes sense! The planets have aligned, and you’re on the right path, or whatever the fuck. So why does your heart still hurt?

Robin grabs your hand, yanking you from your inner monologue. “We’re in LA, baby!” She’s hand in hand with Lilith, and Sylvie’s tucked into your left side. Steve pivots from the front seat to address you. “The party starts at ten tonight, be ready by seven. Call my room if you guys need anything, I’ll call when you have an hour left.”

You have to commend him, he’s got the mom thing down. “Yessir.” You all nod in unison, stifling the very laughter that kids would bite back after a mother’s lecture. But you appreciate him, there’s a reason you wanted him taking care of you. “Your performance is scheduled for ten thirty, we probably have fifteen, twenty minutes of leeway there though.”

Your smile is practically smacked from your face. “Our what?”

Steve looks up from his itinerary, matching your expression. “Did- did no one tell you?”

“I figured you told them!” Sylvie accuses, and Robin nods. You can perform on a whim, far over your stage fright after the hell you’d gone through. Performing has become cathartic, and you love a big audience. But Eddie was going to be in that crowd, and for some reason that scared the shit out of you.

“You’ll be fine! It’s not a full set, just three from the new album, bing bang boom you’re cutting a cake with your face on it.” He slaps his hands together to emphasize his point. As if on cue, the car pulls up to the hotel you’ll be staying at, and the doorman approaches to help with your bags.

-

You and Robin are sharing a room, spending the afternoon letting all your stress out as you prepare for the night.

“I just don’t get it!” You say for what feels like the hundredth time that day. “Why wouldn’t they tell us sooner?”

“My only theory,” Robin begins before blowing on her freshly painted nails, “Is that they know your history, and knew you’d try to back out if they told you. But how would they?”

They wouldn’t, you think, not to your knowledge. You never mention Hawkins, but you know Eddie does. Has he brought you up? You shake your head, shooing the thought away. “Whatever, nothing we can do now!” You pick a few clothing articles out of your suitcase, turning to Robin. “Which one?”

She smirks. “You know Eddie’s gonna be there, right?”

You shrug. “So?”

“So!” She catapults herself off the bed, taking the tight black dress between her fingers. “These will drive him fucking nuts! And I know you know that.”

You feign ignorance. Of course you’d thought about that, but why should it matter? “We’re broken up, Robin. This isn’t about him. Now which one am I gonna ruin tonight?” You hold each one up to you in the full length mirror. “The red one seems like a little too much,” You mumble, “But the black one is super nice on the melons.” You gesture to your chest, snickering.

It pulls a giggle out of Robin. “Definitely the black one, then.” She nods feverishly, and you mimic her movements, a grin stretching your mouth open.

-

Eddie’s POV

The joint burns in his fingers, dangerously close to singeing his hair before he snuffs it out in the ashtray. The California breeze is warm, inviting, but Eddie’s mood can’t be lifted even by the nice weather. He reluctantly returns from the patio, slamming the screen door behind him, causing Gareth to wince. “You alright, man?”

Eddie glares at his friend, who huffs a response. “You gotta get over it, Ed. Be professional, all that shit.” Gareth shrugs his jacket over a red and black flannel. “It’s not a big deal. You’re coworkers.”

“I guess,” Eddie sighs, pulling his boots on, tying the laces tightly. He swipes his hotel key from the bedside table, and follows Gareth to the elevator.

When he reaches the lobby, he stops dead in his tracks. Ten feet in front of him, behind his band mates, you stand with your own. You’re wearing a black dress with a denim jacket layered over it, and heavy black boots. Your hair falls to your shoulders, the color bright and impossible to miss. It takes all of his strength not to turn and run, but somehow he manages to stay put.

Jeff approaches him slowly, slapping a hand on his shoulder. “You’re good, man.” His voice is tired, and it’s only the first night of a very long three months ahead. Eddie nods, ripping his eyes from the back of your head. You don’t turn around, but the tensing of your shoulders tells him you know he’s behind you. He follows behind his bandmates, stalking out of the hotel room and into the car behind the one you enter.

-

Your POV

You can feel his eyes on you even after you get in the car. Sylvie puts a comforting hand on your shoulder as Robin grasps your free hand. You’re so grateful for your support system, you just wish you didn’t need it so much.

You zone out for the drive, trying your best not to think about the events lined up for tonight. More so, you’re trying not to think about how you’ll avoid Eddie all night. At your own party. That he’s attending.

Your legs start to bounce as the driver pulls around the back of The Roxy. The stage manager greets you at the door as Corroded Coffin pulls up behind you. You don’t dare glance over your shoulder, ignoring every urge to look at Eddie, and immediately let your guard down.

Instead, you part ways to your separate green rooms. Even though CC isn’t performing tonight, you assume they need the space to get away from rabid fans. It makes you slightly bitter, watching them get special treatment on a night that’s supposed to belong to you.

Lilith throws herself onto the couch in the corner. “So, I took the liberty of inspecting Eddie’s demeanor so you didn’t have to.” She taunts, crossing one stockinged leg over the other.

You pivot to face your drummer, a look of what you hope is confusion written on your face. “What?” She asks innocently. “You know I’m nosey! Anyway, he was doing everything in his power not to look at you. He caught me once.”

You chuckle. “Maybe he’ll think you’re into him and move on.” You turn back to the mirror, reapplying your blood red lipstick.

“Oh, shut up!” Lilith chucks a bottle cap at you, but it lands short. “I know you’re still into him.”

“I am not!” You really aren’t sure. You haven’t spoken in two years, mostly to make sure you didn’t give back in to him. You didn’t trust your own willpower.

“Five minutes, ladies!” A stagehand peeks her head through the doorway. You and Sylvie exchange an eye roll at her assumption. It doesn’t shake you, or even offend you, being called a lady, or a woman. You know it’s not meant as an insult, but if people would just listen to your music, it’s not that hard to understand.

The DJ set ends, and he plays Sonic Youth’s Kool Thing as your walk out music, and you relish in the way the lyrics resonate: Kool Thing sittin' with a kitty / Now you know you're sure lookin' pretty / Like a lover not a dancer / Superboy take a little chance here / I don't want to, I don't think so / I don't want to, I don't think so. You peek around the corner from backstage, into a crowd of teens and young adults, some wearing your shirts, most of them already sweating.

When the song ends, the house lights dim, and the crowd gets impossibly louder. Robin throws her bass over her head, and gives your shoulder a comforting squeeze. “Ready to knock ‘em dead?”

You smile at her, and extend it to the rest of your band. The four of you huddle together.

“Okay, guys. This is it. How we do tonight is an indication of how the tour is gonna go. Now, WHO ARE WE?”

“DEATH DANCE APPROXIMATELY!”

“I SAID, ‘WHO ARE WE?!’”

“DEATH DANCE APPROXIMATELY!”

You chant together, hyping yourselves up, building to an excited babble of voices overlapping. You grab your own guitar from a stagehand, and the four of you walk on to the stage to greet a screaming crowd.

-

Eddie’s POV

His eyes don’t leave you as you make your walk to your microphone. Your dress hugs every dip and curve of your body, leaving nothing to the imagination, not that Eddie has to imagine any of it. Your lips are dark, blood red, and your hair glows under the colorful lights. Your boots are thick, platform heels that lift you an extra three inches off the ground, giving the impression that you’d stomp out anyone that crosses you. Your skin is littered with tattoos, plenty more than the last time he saw you. They cover your arms and legs, heavy lines and bright colors. You look like an art piece, one Eddie could spend the rest of his life admiring.

He doesn’t recognize the song you open with, knowing it’s a new one off the album due to be released at midnight. Your voice hooks him in anyway; raspy, sounding angry, hurt, and like you’re singing right to him. Every fight you’d ever had with him, every night you’d wept in his arms, it’s all expelling from you on that stage, and he can’t help swimming in the pain it causes him.

Eddie gets it, the way a show can calm him in an instant, he can get every piece of aggression out of him without hurting anyone else. Watching you perform for the first time since breaking up is hypnotic, making his heart skip around erratically. He turns to the bartender. “Make it a double,” he calls over the music.

“What the fuck is up, LA?!” You scream when you finish your first song, and the crowd responds with shrieks. “We are Death Dance Approximately, and it’s lovely to meet you. Welcome to our album release show!” They scream again. “Please feel free to stick around until we unveil it. This is our first single, it came out last month. It’s called Pretty Boy.”

Eddie’s eyes widen. He never expected you to play the song again, let alone make it a single, but Pretty Boy had become such a staple song for both avid fans and casual listeners. Usually he can’t listen to it, but right now Eddie can’t bring himself to look away from you as you sing the song you wrote for him.

I hadn’t slept in several days, / I hadn’t been warm in weeks, / But after you had met my gaze, / I let my body breathe. / It felt less like a heart attack, / and more like coming home. / I let your body keep me warm, / so I don’t have to sleep alone. / Pretty boy, my heart is yours, / and I hope you’ll say the same, / Cause after all these lonely nights, / I just want to hear you say my name.

It’s crazy to hear the crowd sing with you, adding ambiance to your already angelic voice. Eddie feels his breath catch in his throat, and gulps his whiskey down to suffocate it. As you move into the third song, and Eddie’s about to call it a night, he’s approached by a group of what looks to be twenty somethings, girls about Dustin’s age now.

“Holy shit,” the short girl with spiky, purple hair squeaks, shouting over the music. “You’re Eddie Munson!” She covers her mouth, as if she’s spoken something forbidden.

Eddie scratches the back of his head and laughs. “Yeah, that’s me.” It’s a welcome distraction from the self torture of watching you.

“Would you sign my tits?!” a taller girl speaks, her blonde hair falling over her shoulders and her barely covered chest.

Eddie raises an eyebrow. It’s not the first time he’s been asked, but it never ceases to weird him out a little. “Uh, sure, got a marker?”

She hands Eddie a sharpie, and he signs her skin, leaning as far away from her as he can while doing so. They shout their thanks, and walk away squealing to each other. When he pivots back to the stage, you’re on your knees, singing right into the faces of the front row. What he’d do to have you that close to him again.

-

Your POV

You finish your third and final song of the night, leaving every ounce of your soul on the floor of The Roxy. When you’ve finished, you’re sweaty, smelly, and covered in glitter. Your makeup is smudged and running down your face, and your hair is tangled and sticking out every which way, but you’ve never felt better.

In the green room, Sylvie pops a bottle of celebratory champagne. “To our first sold out show!” You hold your glass up, and everyone clinks theirs together.

“Fucking awesome, you guys.” Steve praises, sipping his own bubbly. “I’m so proud of you guys.”

“Aw, you big sap.” Robin wraps an arm around his waist. “Couldn’t have done it without you.”

You join the hug, and your bandmates follow. “Thank you, Steve.” You say, quietly enough that only he hears you.

“Any fuckin’ time.” He breaks the hug with some minor objections. “Feel free to relax before making an appearance.” He checks his watch. “Just be ready before midnight, you gotta be in there for the cover reveal.”

You feel your heart speed up. The cover. Shit.

-

December 1985

“Whoa, dude, lemme see!” Jonathan and Eddie are examining his wounded hand. Jonathan brings his camera to his face, pointing the lense at Eddie’s clenched fist. “I’ll definitely be sure to get you this pic, might make a sick album cover.”

-

Eddie never did, in fact, get a copy of that picture. You did, though, and you’d made it the album cover of your debut: Tighten Up. And now you had to unveil that album in front of the man whose hand is plastered on it. Fuck.

-

The Roxy is thumping with loud music, now playing Mind Riot from the overhead speakers as fans mingle with each other, drinks in hand. You walk to the long table set up in front of the stage, where plenty of DDA fans grip their tour posters, waiting for you to sign. You’re still not used to the sheer amount of people in front of you, all there because of your music, your words.

“Okay, everyone!” Steve grabs the mic and makes his “I’m In Charge” announcements. “The band will be doing some signings, and copies of the albums are available to purchase. Please, don’t take too much time, I know it’s all very exciting but we have a lot of people to get to. Patience is key! Now, I know Y/n wants to address you before revealing the cover, so lemme pass the mic.” He hands you the mic, and you take a step toward your audience.

“Hey, guys!” You greet, and they respond with their loud, disorganized whoops. “Thank you so much for coming out. We hope we see you again tomorrow for our show with the CORRODED COFFIN!” The name drop gets its own applause, and you’re satisfied with the taunting. “But right now, without further adieu,” You grab the sheet that covers the canvas holding a blown up picture of the album. “TIGHTEN UP IS OUT!” You shout, and yank the cloth. There, in all its glory, is Eddie’s bloodied hand, rings and all, with the album title plastered over it in your chicken scratch. The crowd screams, and you have no time to wonder what Eddie must be thinking right now.

-

Eddie’s POV

What the fuck. He’s not sure if he’s seeing it right. His own hand, clenched in a fist, covered in some jock’s blood, on the cover of your debut album. He catches Gareth’s eyes, and makes an “I don’t know” face, that Gareth only returns with confusion. Eddie isn’t sure how to feel. Will people recognize his rings? Are their fans that crazy?

Before his brain can stop him, he’s walking further into the crowd, towards you. He doesn’t know what he’ll say, if he’ll even say anything. Instead, he watches you for awhile, talking to your fans like they’re your closest friends as you scribble on their posters and CDs, and pose for pictures. You look comfortable, at peace, and there’s no way he’d want to ruin that. He takes a gulp of his new drink, feeling the effects of the alcohol in his bloodstream.

“Hey,” It’s Steve, with a beer in his hand. “Sorry I didn’t tell you, I didn’t think it was my place. And to be fair, Y/n had no inkling you’d ever see it, especially like this.” He takes a sip, waiting for Eddie’s response.

He shakes his head, trying to rid himself of the clenching in his gut. “Nah, it’s cool. Really cool, actually. Didn’t know they still thought about me that much.”

Steve hands him a copy of the album. “See for yourself.”

Eddie grips the jewel case in his hands, and opens the album. The disc has the same picture printed on it, and the jacket unfolds to reveal the other picture taken that night, the one of his hand on your throat, covered with lyrics to songs titled Indiana, and Underneath Hell. He can make decent guesses as to what they’re about.

“Go say hi.” Steve shoves him a little, more playful than aggressive.

“Are you serious? I don’t wanna ruin their night.”

“You won’t,” He takes another swig, “I think it might make you both feel better. Cut the shit, get it over with. You’re gonna be stuck with each other all spring, might as well.”

Eddie downs the rest of his whiskey, letting the liquid burn his throat as the buzz takes over. Steve offers his hand, and Eddie gives him the glass. “Here goes nothin.’” He huffs, and disappears into the mob of fans. Many turn their heads, giving double takes when they realize who he is. He ignores the shouts to get his attention, not wanting to draw it away from you. Steve is only steps behind, guarding him from being grabbed at as he snakes to the front. Steve reaches the mic stand, and announces that the band is going to take a break, and to enjoy the refreshments. Eddie watches as you look from your manager, to your bandmates, and then to him.

-

Your POV

Eddie doesn’t look away when you meet his eyes. His hands are shoved into the pockets of his jeans, and he’s chewing on his lip nervously. You look to Steve again. “What’s happening right now?”

“Would you just go say hi? Act like you know the guy a little.” He shoulders you, causing you to stumble slightly. “C’mon, the rest of you,” Steve addresses the band, “Go take a break, sit down, have some water.” Steve looks back over his shoulder, and waves Eddie over. “You two, go catch up in the green room or something. I’m not letting you both be fucking weird this entire tour. Mingle.” He’s being serious. He ushers you backstage, and finally separates himself to join your friends, leaving you alone with the only person you probably shouldn’t be alone with.

You crack open a beer and take a large gulp. “Hi.”

“Hey.”

-

chapter III

taglist: @children-of-the-grave @five-bi-five @wiildflower-xxx @beebeerockknot @champagne-glamour @xxgothwhorexx @therensistance @chonkzombie @brxkenartt @sidthedollface2 @bibieddiesgf @gaysludge @eddiesguitarskills | send a message to be added🫶

[chanis-banani]

Reply - Part 1

Inspired by: [Han Seungwoo] 'Reply' - M Countdown

Note: Today is the 3rd anniversary of Seungwoo's solo debut and it would be an understatement to say this album changed my life. I just had to write something for it, I couldn't contain myself...

Note 2: stop calling me a seungwoo simp

Synopsis: after a week of contemplation, Seungwoo finally brings up the courage to send you a message. As he waits anxiously for you to reply, all he can do to kill the time is reminisce about the first time met you.

Genre: fluff and very slight angst maybe? Let's just say it's the wholesome start of a slow burn romance

Pairing: Seungwoo x gn reader

Word Count: 3,4k

Contains: some swearing, mentions of alcohol, mentions of cigarettes (but no actual drinking or smoking)

Tic, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick-

With a frustrated grunt, Seungwoo yanks the batteries from the clock and tosses them onto the cabinet. When he tries to hang the clock back on the wall, he struggles to get the little hook on the nail. It only takes two failed attempts for him to be fed up with the stupid thing and he angrily dumps it on top of the furniture. The clock lands next to the batteries, one of which tumbles off the edge and rolls under the cabinet. Seungwoo watches as it disappears from his vision and he scoffs. Piece of shit.

He takes his phone from his pocket and checks his messages. Even though he has the volume of his notifications turned all the way up, he can’t stop himself compulsively checking his phone. There is always a slight chance the sound just didn’t come through, right? Maybe you messaged him and his phone is just lagging. He can’t risk missing anything. But despite his hopeful delusion, there is still nothing.

First he puts his phone back in his pocket, but he immediately changes his mind and places it on the dinner table instead, making sure the screen faces up so he can see everything that comes in. A deep sigh escapes him as he stares at his phone for a while. He is too restless to bring himself to sit down. All he can do is stand there and pace around the room. Once again, he sighs and goes into the kitchen to grab himself a glass of water. When he returns to the dinner table, he sets the glass on one of the coasters to check his notifications again.

It had only been about a week since he met you, but it felt like more like a month. He couldn’t stop thinking about you. The way you smiled and the way you talked… The way you made those snarky comments at him when he approached you. It hadn’t been the most fairytale-like encounter. And yet, he couldn’t stop thinking about it, no matter how hard he tried.

With another sigh, Seungwoo puts his phone on the table again and he leans back in his chair, staring up at the ceiling. He wanted nothing more than to talk to you, hear your voice again, and observe that little twinkle in your eyes when you talked to him.

It was impossible for him to forget how stunning you looked last Saturday. Your clothes were very neat and complimented your body well, which contrasted with your slightly messy hair. This contradiction intrigued him. He needed to get to know you better, wanted to explore what other interesting contrasts he might encounter. Perhaps it was specifically the difference between you and him that captivated him the most. You were exhilarating to him.

Seungwoo jumps up when his phone suddenly rings and he answers it without hesitation. “Hello?” he says, voice shaking a little bit. “Hyung!”, he hears from the other side of the line, “Did-” Without letting Sejun finish his sentence, Seungwoo hangs up on him. Idiot. How could he have been so stupid to call right now? He knew that Seungwoo was waiting for your call. What if you had finally reached out right when Sejun was hogging the line?!

Seungwoo sits back down and rests his elbows on the table, burying his face in his hands with a desperate little cry. “What am I doing…” he murmurs into his hands. All he wants is to hear your voice again. He keeps reminiscing about the evening he met you. 

That evening, he entered the venue with Sejun at 8 pm. Seungwoo offered to get drinks for both of them, so he made his way through the crowd, towards the bar on the other side of the large space. While he waited for the bartender to fix his drinks, he felt someone bump into him. It’s when he turned around to look, that he laid his eyes on you for the very first time. 

“Sorry!” you said quickly, officially marking that as the first word that was ever exchanged between the two of you. “That’s okay,” he replied with a smile, “It’s pretty crowded here, so accidents can happen.” Seungwoo had to try his best not to smile too widely at you. Right away he found you incredibly attractive. Your voice sounded lovely. He wanted to hear it again.

“I like your tattoo,” you said, and Seungwoo could swear that his heart made a little jump in his chest. He was wearing his shirt with its sleeves rolled up, so the colorful tattoo on his arm was clearly exposed. You had been observing him just as closely as he had observed you and this notion gave him goosebumps. 

“Thank you! I have a few more.” Was it weird for him to say this? He immediately felt embarrassed and at the same time he wished he had worn his shirt just a little more unbuttoned so the tattoo on his chest could have been exposed to  you. Luckily, you smiled at him, so he probably hadn’t weirded you out too much.

He wondered what to tell you next, trying his best to think of something to keep your attention. But his brain wasn’t working properly anymore. All he could think about was how intrigued he was by you. He involuntarily tried to imagine what kind of person you were and what kind of things you would like. And before he got the chance to open his mouth again, his drinks were ready and Sejun called him impatiently from across the room.

Every person who tried to speak to Seungwoo that evening was in for a disappointment. When they tried to approach him, there was a chance he didn’t even notice them at all. Even when he tried to engage in a conversation, he couldn’t stop his gaze from drifting back to your figure.

At one point during the evening, he had lost sight of you. His eyes looked for you anxiously, but you were nowhere to be seen. He panicked. There was no way he could possibly let you go like that. He started to move through the crowd, pressing himself through the clusters of people. 

At least fifteen minutes were spent searching for you, until he found you outside, away from the crowd, with your phone up to your ear. You ended the conversation just when Seungwoo stepped through the venue door, into the fresh air. He needed to know who you had been calling with. What if you already had a partner? The thought alone was enough to make him nauseous.

He stood there for a while, unsure of what to do next. Your mind was clearly elsewhere since you hadn’t noticed him yet. With his head tilted slightly in curiosity, he observed how you stared absentmindedly into the distance while playing with your phone. But the silent moment of appreciation was ruined when Seungwoo suddenly had to sneeze. You looked his way and he looked at you, completely terrified. Thank god it was dark outside so you weren’t able to see his expression very clearly.

Fuck, now things became weird. He had to act quickly, otherwise you would think he was some kind of weirdo. Even if there might have been some truth to that, he obviously didn’t want you to feel that way about him.

Before he could even make up his mind on what he could possibly do to make this situation seem normal, you opened your mouth and spoke to him with a snarky, yet enchanting tone. “You should wear a jacket if you’re going to be outside,” you said. God, maybe he was in love.

“Oh? Uhh, yeah,” he replied awkwardly. Nice, Seungwoo. Real smooth. This was definitely the way to win somebody’s heart. “I’m uhh- It’s not that cold?” God with every word he uttered, he just managed to mess up even more.

You snickered at him and looked at your phone again. Somehow this made Seungwoo feel at ease. You didn’t seem uncomfortable about him. Even if he made an absolute fool of himself just now, it seemed like you didn’t really mind having him around. He straightened his clothes a bit and ruffled his fingers through his hair while you didn’t look. Then he cleared his throat and took a careful step in your direction.

“Actually,” he began somewhat more confidently now, “I could use a little breeze. It’s quite stuffy in there.” Without looking up, you just replied with a little “Mhmm.” While doing his best to hide his timidness, he took another step in your direction and said “Is it okay if I sit here? I could also find someplace else, if you-” “Oh, sure, it’s fine!”

He blinked a few times when you interrupted him with such a sweet tone. You had put your phone away completely and looked straight at him. The eye contact made him feel like his blood was rushing through his veins at twice its regular speed. The dizziness that ensued made him feel almost relieved, because it meant he wasn’t really lying to you anymore. At this point, he really could use some fresh air.

He sat down next to you on the curb, making sure to keep a good 6 ft distance between the two of you so as to not make you uncomfortable. You were still looking at him with those eyes and it nearly drove him insane. “So, do you smoke?” you asked him. He shook his head, and you grinned. “Me neither.”

The conversation went silent. For a minute, all you and Seungwoo could hear was the sound of passing cars in the distance and the buzzing voices of the people inside. He wondered why you would ask him such a question if you didn’t smoke either. Could it be that you were lying? Did he just fail a test? What if you didn’t want to date anyone who didn’t smoke? He felt nauseous again.

The breeze really was quite cold and Seungwoo’s blouse didn’t do much to protect him from it. The tip of his nose and his ears became red and he shivered, but it didn’t matter to him. In fact, he was barely aware of the cold at all. Being so near to you made him feel almost feverish inside. His heart was beating wildly in his chest and his cheeks felt hot. Even if he had lost almost all feeling in his fingers, the rest of his body was simply buzzing with life. 

His breath created a tiny cloud in the air, drawing your attention to his shivering figure. “You’re cold!” you laughed at him. Your breath formed a little cloud as well and Seungwoo watched how the little clouds drifted in the same direction for a second, until he snapped back to reality. “I’m really not that cold,” he sputtered, “I just tend to shiver when I’m feeling dizzy.”

“So you’re still feeling dizzy?” you asked. Your voice didn’t sound exactly concerned, but not like you were mocking him either. Seungwoo couldn’t quite put his finger on it. He sure was dizzy now, slowly going crazy from the way your eyes were scanning him. There was something about your look that gave him the feeling this was more than a casual conversation. It felt like he was being inspected, your eyes studying every detail of him and your mind interpreting what you saw. He could tell you were on your guard around him. Not in a defensive way, but much like a researcher would be on their guard around the subject they’re researching. As if he were some kind of experiment and you were waiting to see what he might do next.

“I bet you would feel less dizzy if you wore a jacket,” you continued with a little grin. Seungwoo observed you closely, noticing something like a little twinkle in your eyes. He wondered if you always had that twinkle when you talked to people.

“I was too dizzy to grab my jacket,” he replied with a little scoff, “I just wanted to go outside quickly. And you should know that I’m already beginning to feel better.” He fully expected you to say it was nice that he felt better, but you just scoffed right back at him: “Pfft, if you say so…”

Before he could come to his defense again - even though you were completely right - you already bombarded him with the next question: “So who do you know at this party?” “Oh, I just know Sejun,” Seungwoo replied, “Sejun and I are close, so when he got invited to this party, he asked me to join him.”

“Ahh, I’m here because of Sejun too! We aren’t close at all though. He just invited my friend and told her she could bring more people. So really, I don’t even know Sejun at all."

"I see. The party must be quite boring for you then, if you only know your friend. Is that why you'd rather sit here and call your boyfriend?" The words had left Seungwoo's mouth before he fully realized what he was saying. And now that he said it, he wished he would never be able to speak again. 

You raised an eyebrow at him and turned your body a little to face him better. Seungwoo's heart was beating like crazy in his chest. It felt like minutes of silence were passing by while he anxiously awaited your response. He knew he fucked up.

“You are so obvious,” you said eventually. Your voice was low and almost a little threatening. Seungwoo gulped. “We met like seconds ago and you’re already trying to figure out whether I have a partner or not.” For a second it was silent again. ‘Don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it,’ Seungwoo thought to himself, trying to suppress the impulse. But he couldn’t possibly contain himself. He just had to know, so he asked: “Well do you?”

He felt like he was about to faint.

Clearly you were a little perplexed by his bluntness, but that didn’t stop you from responding immediately with “That is none of your business. Besides, I don’t find this party boring at all.” You showed him a little smile, but Seungwoo couldn’t make out whether you genuinely enjoyed this moment with him or not. He had to find a distraction, quickly. He needed to come up with something interesting before you felt scared off. This conversation was getting worse by the second and he knew that he only had one last chance to save it.

“I don’t think this party is boring either, now that I found someone so interesting to talk to,” he said. And he regretted it immediately. This was the nail in the coffin. It was over. He could nearly feel his heart breaking in his chest. But to his surprise, you laughed.

“You’re a little pathetic, aren’t you?” you asked him. The tone of your voice was playful and warm. Even though what you said was quite sour, the sweetness with which you said it was like music to his ears. 

“You say it’s pathetic, but I would call it being an open book. Pretending I don’t like you won’t get me anywhere.”

You analyzed him for a second, your gaze feeling almost like some kind of interrogation to him. “Perhaps,” you replied, “but it would benefit you to be a little more subtle about it.”

Seungwoo wondered what it would be like to kiss you. He tried to distract himself, tried to think of something to say again, but the two of you were suddenly interrupted by a voice: “You’re still here? Come on, we have work tomorrow, we should go home!” Seungwoo turned around to see who was calling you, but the person had already gone back inside again. When he turned back to you, you already stood up from the curb and brushed off your clothes. “Well,” you said, “that was my friend. You heard them. It’s time for me to leave.”

He clumsily stood up as well and by the time he got on his feet, you had already made your way over to the door to go back inside the venue. His heart nearly dropped upon the sight of your departure, but to his delight, you turned around to him and he got to hear your beautiful voice one more time.

“Since you seem so desperate to know about this; no, I do not have a partner. Goodnight.” And with that, you disappeared from his sight.

Seungwoo stood there for several minutes, out in the cold, completely dazed.  He had managed to blow every single aspect of this encounter and yet, you almost seemed to be into it. Even when thinking about it now, he can feel the ache in his heart again. He never even got to learn your name.

After you left the party and the absurdity of the conversation slowly sinked in, the first thing Seungwoo did was search for Sejun. He needed to have your number immediately. After struggling to explain who he was talking about, he finally managed to get Sejun to ask your friend for your number. The next day, Seungwoo received a text from Sejun which included your contact information. Since neither of them knew your name, and it didn’t occur to Sejun to ask your friend about it, Seungwoo simply saved you in his contacts as ‘sour candy’. He figured it was a suitable nickname for now.

It took him ages to figure out what he should send. He spent days writing, deleting and rewriting drafts in the notes app on his phone, in a hopeless attempt to create the most perfect message known to mankind. And after days of contemplating, he finally found the courage to send this work of art to you earlier this morning.

Now all you have to do is reply.

Seungwoo stands up from his chair and walks over to the cabinet to grab the battery that rolled underneath it earlier. While feeling around for the battery, he feels something else and pulls it from under the furniture. He holds it in front of him and twists the object between his fingers while observing it closely. Between his fingers, he is holding two little magnets, stuck tightly together.

Just when he’s wondering when and how those magnets ended up there, he is startled by the loud ringtone of his phone, coming from the dinner table. This time, he doesn’t rush to pick it up. Instead, he walks over to the table rather slowly and he first looks at who's calling him. His knees just about turn to mush when he sees ‘sour candy’ displayed on his screen. Quickly, he sits down, takes a deep breath and answers the phone.

“Hello?”

“Yes, hello. You’re that guy from the party last Saturday? With the nice tattoo? You messaged me?”

“Yeah, that’s me.”

Seungwoo’s hands are trembling. He can’t believe it. He is finally talking to you again. While holding the phone to his ear with his right hand, he still has the two little magnets between the fingers of his left hand, fidgeting with them nervously. The other side of the line is silent for a little moment, before he gets to hear your lovely voice again:

“We can go to a cafe. Tomorrow.”

Internally, Seungwoo is screaming.

“Yeah-... I would love that! At what time should we meet?”

“1 pm, the cafe you messaged me about. And it’s not a date. See you tomorrow.”

Before he gets the chance to say goodbye and I love you, you already hang up on him. He is fully aware you told him it wouldn’t be a date, but he isn’t even remotely bothered by it. The excitement rushing through his body is enough to distract him for now. Just because this won’t be a date according to you, doesn’t mean he can’t take you on a real date in the future.

Seungwoo observes the small magnets in his left hand again and feels the urge to press a little kiss on them. After taking a brief moment to calm himself down, he runs to his closet to gather an outfit for tomorrow. This too, happens with lots of contemplation in order to present himself in the best possible way. When he’s finally satisfied, he places the clothes on a chair and slips the little magnets in one of the pockets. For good luck.

To be continued...

[peonierose]

Rosé all Day

Characters involved: Luna Auclair (F!OC), Keiki Lahela (F!MC), Evie Auclair (F!OC), Soraya Auclair (F!OC), Meilani Leahi (F!OC) and Bryce Lahela (M!MC)

Summary: It’s Maxines birthday on February 14th, but Luna knows that Maxine doesn’t like Valentine‘s day. So she and the girls spend some quality time together. Drinking eating, and playing some games.

Words: 3,600+

Rating: General. A few innuendos but nothing too bad.

A/N: I’m participating in the Valentine’s Day celebration by @choicesficwriterscreations 💓

Side note: Thanks to @annieruok94 for proof reading 💚

I’m getting ready to host a night of games and drinks. Sadly non-alcoholic for me. Yeah, the story of my life. At least for the next remaining month.

Tonight’s Maxis birthday. Yes,my best friend‘s birthday is on February 14th. On valentine‘s day. She doesn’t like Valentine’s Day so we’ll have a quiet night in with the girls. I did make her something. Even though she said no birthday gifts.

I stare at the rectangle gift I wrapped up earlier. All in pink. With a glittery satin bow on top.

I grin to myself as I hear the doorbell ring and put down the basket of freshly baked pizza bites and garlic bread I made earlier.

I open the door. And see it’s Maxi in leather shorts and a burgundy shirt, topped with scuffed up red Dr. Martens.

Some of her colorful tattoos peeking out. She’s holding a bottle of rosé in her right hand and a box of fruit for me in her left one.

”The woman of my dreams brings me a fruit bowl. Thank you milady.“

”Seriously? Another Bridgerton reference?“

I grin at her.

”It’s a great show. Even Adam likes it. Maybe on your third date, you can subtly suggest tuning into Bridgerton?“

Maxine just snorts.

”Yeah sure. I’ll suggest it, but no promises sugarplum.“

I sigh and hold the fruit bowl close to my chest. Ever since I got pregnant, I’ve been craving fruit. It’s insane. One night I had Bryce run out in boxer shorts to buy some watermelon and bananas. He was like here you go and went back to sleep. I grin at that memory.

I smile at Maxi.

”You’re a godsend you know that?“ I say and together we walk toward the kitchen. Me at a slower pace than Maxi.

”So who’s coming tonight?“ she asks and hops on the counter stealing a grape from the charcuterie board.

I slap her hand.

”No trying the goods. Those are for later,“ I say laughing.

She grins like the Cheshire cat and takes another one.

”To answer your question. Soraya, Evie, Meilani, Keiki and I. I asked Aubrey too. But she has a surgery so she can’t make it. Keiki will join us later,“ I say grinning.

Maxi catches on.

”Does she have a new guy in her life?“ Maxi hops off the counter and goes to the fridge to get herself a bottle of mint water.

I shrug.

”I have no idea. If she does? Then she’s keeping it to herself. I think she’s still hurt after Dylan broke things off over a text on her prom night. Sure Bryce took her and they had a great time. But I think she’s just careful,“ I say, pouring the rosé into glasses and assembling them on the counter one by one.

Maxi nods.

”Yeah that was a dick move. Seriously. I don’t get it. But hey Keiki is an amazing girl. Who’s in her second in college, to become a vet. And she’s going to find an amazing guy I’m sure,“ she says.

I glance at Maxi and then get the gift and put it behind my back.

She eyes me with suspicion.

”What? I swear to god if that’s a present behind your back…“

I wiggle my eyebrows.

”You’re going to what? I’m pregnant you can’t do jack shit.“

Maxine almost chokes on her bubbly drink.

”Why do you keep insisting on giving me presents sugarplum?“ Maxine asks me, her tone gone softer.

I shrug and reveal the pink glittery wrapped present behind my back.

”Because I love you and I wanted to give you something. It’s nothing big I promise.“

I give her the gift and she puts her mint water to the side.

She stares at the pink wrapping paper and then tears the wrapping to reveal a photo album I made.

She looks up at me. At a complete loss for words.

”Oh Lu.“ She asks and opens the photo album and goes through all the pages.

It starts with a quote

”There are many people to be close to. But no one is like you. That’s why I love you.“

She smiles and turns the page.

It’s pictures from all the years we’ve been friends. From bubble baths together, complete with champagne and chocolates. To us eating pizza and malasadas. Acting like complete dorks.

When she doesn’t say anything and just keeps turning the pages of the photo album I get a little nervous.

”I looked everywhere for the perfect present, so when I came short I just printed out all the photos we’ve ever taken together and put them together in an album.“

I nervously play with my engagement ring.

She looks up, puts the photo album aside and gives me a hug, careful not to crush me since I’m 8 months pregnant.

When we break apart she looks at me. Her eyes radiating joy and happiness.

”I’m so glad we’re friends. You have no idea. And this gift you made me? It’s so special, it’s the most beautiful gift I’ve ever gotten.“

She picks up the photo album again and points to a page with a hand painted sunset at Waikiki beach, where we sit side by side with our backs to the camera.

”You hand painted this. That‘s incredible. The time you took to make this. I said no presents but boy am I glad you still gave me one. Damn I love you sugarplum.“

”Love you too Maxi.“

We hug again and smile at each other. I’m happy I could make Maxi happy on her birthday.

We talk amongst each other when I hear the doorbell ring again.

Maxi waves me off before I can get it.

”I got it. You just finish whatever that is,“ she motions to me.

I’m making the fruit into star-shaped little snacks. So what? It looks cute.

Ever eaten a piece of mango or watermelon that looks like a star or a heart? Adorable.

When Maxi comes back I see Evie in a green spaghetti strapped dress.

Soraya in ripped jeans and a shirt, followed by Meilani who looks super cute in a flower print dress.

Meilani is also my Ob-gyn, she works together with Bryce and Aubrey at the Kuakini Medical Center here in Honolulu, Hawaii.

Both Soraya and Meilani are holding hands and stealing looks when they think no one is looking. So cute.

I smile at everyone.

”Hi guys. I’m so glad you could all make it tonight,“ I say and hug everyone.

”Sor I gotta say you’re perfume is quite strong. But you look very pretty,“ I say.

Sor groans.

”You know I changed my perfume twice because you said it’s too strong. I’m not changing this one,“ she says grinning.

”That’s okay. I think this one is less strong than the other two,“ I say and everyone gets seated around the table in the kitchen.

”Thank god for small miracles,“ Soraya grins at me.

Evie who’s holding a pink box in her hands gestures to Maxi who’s standing next to her and groans.

Everyone smiles.

Soraya and Meilani come closer too.

”You didn’t think we’d forget your birthday did you? You’re family. So we’re going to celebrate whether you like it or not.“ Evie grins.

I get out plates for everyone in the kitchen.

Maxi smiles reluctantly and opens the box.

Inside is a round cake. The cake is adorned with pink, purple and yellow edible flowers and topped with white frosting. And the cake says ”Happy Birthday Maxine.“

Maxi looks up and she’s close to tears I can tell.

”Aunt Grace made the cake. We just put it in a box.“ Evie says and winks at me. I grin. My mom sure knows how to make a good cake.

Meilani gets out matches and birthday candles.

She and Soraya put them on the cake and light the candles.

”Make a wish babe.“

I say and Maxi holds her hair to the side so it doesn’t catch on fire. She closes her eyes and blows out her candles in one go.

We all cheer and give her hugs and kisses.

”Thank you. You really know how to make a girl feel special on her birthday. Which happens to be on February 14th.“

We all grin and take out some bubbly and cake, and some snacks from the charcuterie board I made, and move to the living room.

I love the charcuterie board I assembled. I have to say I’m pretty proud of all the cheeses, fruits, and crackers. It looks like, dare I say it, a piece of art? I chuckle.

Comfortable is all I really need these days. Sitting down on the couch? Yes please! Carrying twins is a lot more straining than I thought, but I wouldn’t trade it in for anything in the world.

The others find a comfortable sitting position too. Keiki and Maxi were on one end of the couch, and Evie joined me. Soraya and Meilani sit together.

I look at my friends and family and am so happy we‘re all here together.

”I’m really glad we got to get together,“ Evi says while taking a sip of rosé and a bite of cheese.

”So any juicy stories? What have I missed?“ I ask around.

Maxi splutters her drink on herself.

”What your sex life not entertaining enough?“ Maxi asks.

”Oh it is. The other day we tried…“ I say and hear the door slam as Keiki walks inside just to catch the last sentence of our conversation.

”Can we please not talk about your sex life? Please. I’m already spending way too much time at my friend's Lexi’s house. Aubrey said it’s as if I’m living at their place. So please no sex stories,“ she says and joins us.

Keiki grabs a ball of cheese and a glass of rosé and moves to Maxi to give her hug.

”Happy Birthday Maxi.“ She says and Maxi hugs her back.

”Thanks Keiki.“

I smile at Keiki out of the corner of my eye.

”Yeah. What’s up with that? Anything you want to share Keiks?“ I ask innocently.

”Bryce warned me about that look,“ Keiki says.

I grin.

”What look? I’m just asking. About your not-boyfriend?“ I say grinning and sipping on my hibiscus lemonade.

”I…went on a date. But it was just one date. Please don’t make a big thing out of it,“ Keiki says and looks at all of us.

”We’d never do anything that’ll make you feel weird,“ Meilani says and the others nod.

”Mei is right. You’ll tell us when you’re ready. And when you do? We’ll all want to meet him. And I can’t wait to ask him all the questions,“ I say.

Keiki sighs.

”No! You and my brother will turn it into the Spanish inquisition,“ she says.

I laugh.

”We’ll be nice. Maybe,“ I add.

”Just stop it, Mooney,“ Evie interjects while munching on a star fruit.

We sit and laugh for a while. Enjoy the food, drinks and company.

”How about never have I ever,“ Maxi suddenly suggests and I grin at her.

We played that on Christmas two years ago and I got so drunk. I even asked my cactus if it was taken. Bryce recorded the whole thing. He still laughs about it. He said my flirting was cute.

”I’m not playing, never have I ever. I always lose clothes in the process,“ I say remembering the times B and I played.

”That’s not how you play,“ Sor says after taking a sip from her drink.

”It’s the dirty edition,“ I explain.

Keiki groans.

”Can I be excused for the rest of the evening? I do not want to hear about you and my big brother making out all the time. And FYI you’re not as quiet as you think at night,“ she asks and the others laugh.

I flush red.

”Oops. I’m sorry,“ I say. Maybe B and I should buy a soundproof door? Hmm. Maybe we can talk about that next time.

Maxi sighs.

”I need tequila shots for this,“ she says.

Soraya clinks her glass to Maxis.

”Yes. Please,“ she replies.

Evie chuckles.

”I think it’s nice,“ Evie says a longing in her voice.

I look at her. And she sighs lost in her thoughts.

”You okay Evie?“ I put my arm around her shoulders.

”Peachy. No, I’m not. I feel lonely and sad,“ she says but her voice sounds sad.

Soraya nods knowingly.

”I knew something was wrong. So what’s going on?“ she asks her sister.

Evie sighs, picking at invisible lint on her dress.

”Everyone got someone and I don’t. You know I love the job we have Sor. But seeing all these couples get married and start a family, it makes me want to have that too. Guess I’m unlucky when it comes to love,“ she says and sighs.

That gets me thinking.

”You’re not unlucky you just haven’t met the right guy, but you will. Any guy would be lucky to have you in his life. Don’t get discouraged.“ I say and she smiles quietly.

I grin suddenly when I remember my conversation with Aubrey from a few weeks ago. She said her brother starts his new job at the University of Hawaii. His name is Emry. Maybe he and Evie would be a good fit. We’ve talked a couple of times, and he’s extremely nice and has a great sense of humor. Someone who’d be perfect for my cousin Evie.

”I think I might have someone in mind,“ I said, munching on a piece of mango.

Everyone looks at me.

Maxi grins.

”How did you find him? Did you set up a tinder profile for Evie?“ she asks.

I stick out my tongue at Maxi and she blows me a kiss.

”I didn’t. He teaches at the University of Hawaii,“ I say.

Maxi raises her eyebrows.

”Really? What does he teach math?“ she chuckles.

I shrug.

”As a matter of fact he does,“ I say.

”Tell us more about him,“ Meilani chimes in.

”His name is Emry. He’s Aubrey’s brother. As I said he’s a professor at the University of Hawaii. He teaches math and molecular biology. He’s extremely nice and polite. Also, he’s very hot,“ I wink at Evie.

”Why don’t you use your old tinder profile, Eves?“ Soraya says.

”That’s a great idea,“ I say snatching Evie’s phone from the table before she has a chance to take it.

”Lunes don’t,“ Evie says.

I smile at her.

”Oh come on he’s hot and single. Give it a try maybe you’ll get lucky and it’ll be a match,“ I say.

Evie looks unconvinced.

”I don’t know looney,“ she says.

”Come on. Let’s just try. We could even go on a double date. Bryce and I will be there for moral support,“ I said nudging her.

Evie relents.

”He better be cute,“ she says.

”He’s very handsome,“ I say.

I unlock her phone.

”How did you know my password?“ Evie asks.

I bite my lip.

”I…uh…remember it from that last time you asked me to reply to a text because you were getting your nails done,“ I say and add.

”I’ve never looked through your phone pinky promise,“ I say and Evie nods.

We try and see if she can match with Emry.

Suddenly I see his pic and swipe. Crossing my fingers it’ll be a match.

The sound of a match makes me grin and let out a whoop and shimmy on the couch a bit.

”What happened? Did they match? Let me see,“ Keiki peeks over my shoulder.

I show her Evie’s phone.

”Woah Evie he’s so good-looking. I know since Lexi, Aubrey’s sister told me about her brother but I’ve never seen a pic of him. And that guys a professor? Suddenly I’m very interested in molecular biology. Maybe I could take a class?“ Keiki says thinking out loud and we all laugh.

Soraya clears her throat and we all look at her.

When I see Sor grin like the Cheshire cat, I know she’s up to something.

”What?“ I ask cautiously.

”One word. Jenga.“

I groan and Evie breaks out in laughter.

She and Sor high five. While everyone looks at us as if we’ve gone mad.

”Anyone want to clue us in?“ Maxi asks.

Evie is still laughing together with Sor. So I answer.

”When we were seniors in high school, we got bored during the winter holidays. We wanted to play board games but all the board games we had sounded boring, so we invented our own Jenga styled game. By drawing and painting things like truth or dare, take a shot or worst date versus best date on the Jenga pieces. Ever since then we always play it together when we get the time,“ I explain to the others.

Sor gets her bag and puts out all the pieces on the floor and nods at us.

”I can’t believe you still have it and that you brought it with you tonight.“ I shake my head grinning.

Sor grins.

”Come on, let's play.“ She says and we all agree.

So we all build the Jenga tower together and then Soraya turns to me.

”Hosts honor.“ Evie points to me to pick the first Jenga piece. I sigh and take the one in the right corner.

I turn the Jenga piece so that all can see what I’ve got.

It says ”2 truths and 1 lie“.

They all look at me expectantly.

I breathe out and try to come up with two truths and one lie.

”I have three tattoos. I used to work as a nude model during college sometimes and I did body shots at a party once. What is the truth and what is the lie?“

They look at me as if they’re seeing me for the very first time.

Keiki eyes me from left to right.

”Okay the second one has to be a lie.“

I shrug. No emotion betraying my face.

”I’d say the first one is a lie.“ Maxi says grinning.

When I start smiling they grin and know that the first one was a lie.

Keiki leans forward.

”Wait, didn't you say you bartendered during college?“

I smile at Keiki.

”I mean I did bartender throughout college.“

Maxi grins at me.

”Is that where you did body shots?“

I grin. ”I did.“

Then I get serious for a moment.

”But from time to time I stood in as a model. Nothing to r-rated. I could reveal as much as I liked. Because let’s be honest, scholarships don’t cover everything. So bartending and posing as a model paid the bills too.“

They all nod and then I nod in Maxis direction.

”Maxerella it’s your turn.“

She sticks out her tongue at my poor attempt at a nickname.

Maxi takes one from the top.

It says. ”Dance like a Ballerina.“

She groans.

”Uhhh. I like it. You can relive your glory days.“

She rolls my eyes at me.

”Let’s see a pirouette babe.“

”As milady wishes.“

”Ha! Bridgerton reference.“

I point my finger in Maxis direction and grin. Everyone just laughs. I get my phone ready to record this moment for eternity. Seeing Maxine dance ballet is a precious and rare moment, so I want to remember it.

Maxi gets her shoes off and makes a pirouette for all of us. When she’s down she bows slightly.

”Your mom would be so proud of you.“

Maxi laughs.

”Yeah I know. She says I still got what it takes to be a ballerina.“

We all grin and drink.

Meilani pulls out a Jenga piece and she gets ”sit on lap“.

Meilani looks at Soraya and Soraya grins.

”Have you popped the question yet?“ I ask and Soraya throws a raspberry at me, it lands on my face making me laugh. I pick it up and eat it.

Soraya blushes furiously, while Meilani grins.

”Luna!“

I shrug.

”What? Luna loves love.“

Keiki sighs.

”You’ve got to stop speaking in third person like Terry from Brooklyn 99.“

I smile and lean into Evie who sits next to me.

”Terry is great.“ I say not ashamed to love Terry, who’s amazing by the way.

We keep playing until late into the night.

As the night is dwindling down I start yawning and almost fall asleep on the couch nestled into the cushions.

”I think it’s time we wrap this party up. Because it looks like sugarplum is getting tired,“ Maxi says and stands up and covers me with my favorite green blanket.

I sigh, eyes closed.

”Sorry guys. But I’m just more tired than I would normally be,“ I say almost half asleep.

Meilani chuckles.

”You’re 8 months pregnant with twins. It’s normal to be tired,“ she says and I smile.

I fall asleep to the sound of the others cleaning up and putting the dirty dishes into the dishwasher.

The next thing I know is being carried upstairs.

I open my eyes and see a tired but grinning Bryce carrying me to our bedroom.

”I fell asleep didn’t I?“ I ask nuzzling closer.

I sense him chuckle.

”Yeah you looked like a baby pygmy goat,“ he says and lays me down on our bed.

”I love pygmy goats. I’d name her Daisy. B can I have a goat?“ I ask into my pillow.

He covers me with his body and turns on my nightlight illuminating the whole room in shades of blue. The night sky is literally in our room. So pretty.

”Sure I’ll get you a pygmy goat. We’ll let her run around the house. Chewing on everything. Sounds great,“ he says kissing me on my shoulderblade.

Too tired to comment on his sarcasm.

So I just smile and count small itty-bitty pygmy goats.

[petriform]

celebrating five years of "nothing is for sure," a Big Post! live set and streaming playback stats, the story of "albacore song," and more!

"nothing is for sure" is now five years old! i still consider this to be my most consistent non-concept album (if you want concept albums, i'm begging you to listen to "florence"), and it remains a mainstay of my live setlists! "the jacket" continues to be a part of my ~brand identity™®~ five years on, though i've retired the specific jacket that is depicted - performing in that in the summer was Not Great! (a current depiction would see a vest with way, way more buttons.)

i was curious to see what the play stats looked like after these five years, especially in comparison to how i've treated the material in live sets over the same time period. this is gonna be a long, wildly self-indulgent post, but if i can't nerd out about my own shit, how can i expect anyone else to? and hey, there might be insights applicable for other independent musicians somewhere in here, maybe! (maybe?) so here are the stats!

all told, "nothing is for sure" looks to have attracted over 30,000 streamed plays between the four services i queried. i... wouldn't have imagined that! i'm not going to compare these numbers to any other album of mine because assembling the data takes work and i'm lazy! maybe for the next album anniversary! these numbers aren't inclusive of the instrumental versions, by the way.

as far as the live numbers go, looks like i've played songs from "nothing is for sure" 39 times over 15* live sets since 2017. eventually i'll finish porting my setlists into an actual database for ease of analysis, but today's not that day.

*it's 16; i played a set in february 2020 (oof) for which i've lost the setlist. it's not accounted for in these stats or anywhere else.

initial takeaways from these charts:

i'm really overdue to perform "gone without!" (okay, and "delete!delete!delete!" too, but i feel like that one is inflated by being track 2.) i've been aware that people like this one a lot, whereas i personally prefer most of the other songs on the album. i couldn't tell you why that is. i aaaaaalmost played it for the first time the last couple of sets, but switched it up at the last minute because i felt (and still feel) like it'll be difficult to perform (the verses are fast and long).

on that note, i DO plan to play every song off this album live at least once, and i've been slowly chipping away at that goal. god help me when i try to pull off "punch buggy slug bug" live; it'll almost certainly be the first and last time. i think i'll save "over like rover" for last - it's only fitting, right?

dang, now i have it in my head to just play a set that's just the album front to back. pls book me to do this 🥺 (but ideally book me to do "florence" in full first)

i dunno why spotify likes "pace yourself" in particular but thank you spotify listeners

in retrospect it's curious that neither i or the listening audience seem to regard "ahead of your time" relatively highly given that's the Song That Says The Album Title

all that said, here are some...

fun facts about "nothing is for sure" live:

the first "nothing is for sure" track i ever played live was "killian is lying to you" in march 2017 at DNA Lounge in san francisco - over 15 months before the album's release

this was the only song from the album i played live before its release.

the most recent "nothing is for sure" track i've played was "albacore song" just this past month (may 2023) in san jose, in a set that also included "stay (wish on a star)," "k7 (k9 - k2)," and (for the first time ever!) "wilson phillips screwdriver”

i've got a lot to say about "albacore song" later!

since the album's release, i've never gone a single set without playing a song from the album.

since the album's release, i've never gone a single set without playing "stay (wish on a star)" specifically. this wasn't on purpose. it's in my top 5 most-played-live songs and is creeping up on a few that i no longer play often.

even if i'd never played “stay (wish on a star),” the bullet point prior to that would still be true.

i've had multiple sets post-"Dither Beach" where i failed to play anything from "Dither Beach" but still played stuff from "nothing is for sure".

tell me about the downloads! the $ale$!

okay. without getting too specific, compared to my other full-length albums on bandcamp, "nothing is for sure" is the:

2nd highest-grossing*,

4th most-purchased,

5th most-downloaded.

(if you're wondering what the top albums are for those rankings, "Don't Worry, You're Great!" is all of them. the way things are going (streaming going up, downloads and CDs going down), ostensibly, it'll be that way for a long time.)

the parameters with which i personally measure "success" for my own projects are complicated, but "nothing is for sure" was a success.

*album downloads on my bandcamp are name-your-price. digital gross is pretty much entirely what folks feel like paying. this figure includes CD sales; without CD sales, it'd be 5th.

okay so what did you mean about "albacore song"

so people who've attended my live shows will know about this, but people who have only listened online might not!

i first played "albacore song" in july 2018 at DNA Lounge; the first show post-album-release. cool! that was the one and only time i played it... until chiptune colleague piecesofeight spun up a mashup thereof with Madonna's "Like a Prayer" that struck a chord with me.

so as a nod to that, and in service to my (wavering) habit of doing at least one cover per set, i played "albacore song" once more - again at DNA Lounge, three years later - but this time, i swerved into a cover of "Like a Prayer" for a couple minutes, and then back into the rest of "albacore song."

thus began a tradition of me using "albacore song" as a medley-riffic launchpad for covers that i invoke wherever I can! i'd done (and still do) similar stuff (swerving covers into "Super Dog Park") before, but "albacore song" has gone from a played-it-once song to a recurring trojan horse of sorts for covers in my live arsenal - if you hear me go into "albacore song" these days, expect to hear Something Else before it's over!

this is the first time i've committed these to writing in one place, but here are the covers i've rolled into "albacore song" so far:

Madonna - Like a Prayer

The Catherine Warwick version of Pollyanna from MOTHER (twice)

M2M - Don't Say You Love Me (gotta repeat this one, it was fun!)

and they likely won't stop there! i've since thanked and gotten to meet piecesofeight in person (after having played a set that, ironically, was my first irl set to not include albacore song in years. oops!). you never know when someone or something will alter your course for the better in unexpected ways!

it turns out even less is for sure

those of you who have been around me for a while have known me to periodically release companion pieces to my full-length albums when there were songs that just barely didn't make it onto those albums (most recently for "florence").

the thing about the "nothing is for sure" sessions, though, is that i had a LOT of material in consideration. way more than any other album i've ever done. coming off of "Don't Worry, You're Great!" i was on fire, writing tons and tons. i've entertained the idea of doing the "nothing is for sure" companion piece before, but it'd be a greater task than usual due to how much viable material was in there to begin with.

but as you may have seen me announce, i'll be releasing an eight-track companion piece consisting of the best of those leftover projects titled "...especially any of this" before the end of the month! more "nothing is for sure" for all! this is the biggest companion piece i've ever released, so i'm excited! and... i've got my next album coming along on top of that! stay tuned!

tell me about it!

i can crunch the numbers for as long as i want, but there's no substitute for real feedback. so if you have something to say to me about "nothing is for sure," fire away! what did you like about it? favorite song(s)? ones you want me to play live more? ones that sucked? hey, the album isn't getting any newer or younger - i wanna know!

all in all, whether you were there for "nothing is for sure" when it came out or you've arrived since, i hope you continue to enjoy what i still consider one of my best albums and proudest achievements. thank you!

[ultimate-msleading-simp]

Maniac Ramblings of an Antimai Enjoyer

Hi hihHhii okay so. I (one of the ops of this account) did a sin called going on Twitter and doom scrolled for around 3 hours because I didn’t want to do my essay in like December last year. I have been seething for a month now with the Twitter’s cruelness to Antimai so I am now going to crucify myself in the name of Antimai. Or… here is my opinion/review of Antimai. BY NO MEANS IS THIS AN OFFICAL REVIEW!! (it's also barely peer read, it really is ramblings)

Basic rankings:

C - LoTown.

B - Poverty, Industry, Luxury and Nature.

A - Middle Class and Patrol.

S- Tower. 

The whole album opinion

Love this album. I’m one of the newbies to The Dear Hunter, so this was the first full album I listened to (maybe Act V first? I don’t remember). I thought it was incredibly groovy and I love the concert/brass instruments when done correctly - which it definitely was here! I love a mixture of genres, pace and themes in music too, Antimai hitting all of those boxes very nicely. One of my favourite things to think about for this album is the pronoun usage, but that is because I’m incredibly excited for Sunya and like to look to see what narrative could be transferred over to the next album. My overall rating? Like 9/10, I would never do my dishes without Antimai. It only loses one point because I can never escape Patrol. 

Ring 8 - Poverty 

Preface for all the other songs, Imma say they all SLAP me real good, love them, 10/10. Poverty, while I don’t find any absolute melting love for the lyrics alone, the way they are set up is honestly brain melting. I highly enjoy how the song flows, especially the chorus with the instrumental, some gnarly music mixin’ there and I tip the hat to the funny dear men for that one. The music alone however, is something to appreciate fully. I always thought the tone of the music did not match the tone of the lyrics and that was odd to me - am I mad about it? No :). I love how jazzy and involuntarily dancy the music is and I can’t help but do a lil boogie… even if I’m on the edge of a mental breakdown from having to read my fourth short story in 3 days!

Ring 7 - Industry 

Pretty whacky boy here. It gives a good idea of how important technology is to Antimai though - since there is a whole ring dedicated to industrial business. I am incredibly neutral on the actual sound of this song? I can say I do enjoy it when I listen to it, but I don’t always pull an experience from it like I do with some of the other tracks on this album. One thing I always remember is how much I love the delivery of the line “you were up in the pantheon,” it brings me joy and I don’t know why, let me live in brain rot I beg. This song lore wise is very important for setting up the rest of the album. Middle class, Patrol and Luxury wouldn’t have the same level of understanding if we lacked Industry. In conclusion on this one since my thoughts on it is clearly a disorganised mess, I think it has a very nice sound to it, still down to get funky with the sound and it’s a doormat for the rest of the album to welcome you in. 

Ring 6 - LoTown  

My least favourite out of the whole album. Doesn’t mean I hate it, just kinda?? Wow?? Farm people?? Epic?? Slammin trumpets though and the held note at the end is executed immaculately. I am obviously a biassed person and I’ll admit I have a slight bias against slower songs - that could be why it is marked so low in my mind. One kudo I will give to this song is the build-up and release between verses-chorus, always makes a song so much more enjoyable when some dynamic spice is added.

Ring 5 - Middle Class

I love this song to death, I have one gripe with it. It scares the ever living shit out of me whenever it randomly comes on when I have shuffle on. This song is a fresh ass gold mine when it comes to analysing lyrics. Almost all of the lyrics in this song have double meanings and important shards of lore that we need to put together to truly uncover what Antimai is. For literal, in world meanings, the Middle Class lets us see into the culture of Antimai directly; we get insight on how the religion functions in practice, the exploitation of it and the labour of all the people below Ring 5. For the double meaning and reflection on the real world, it can apply to a lot of the middle class people who are living in some form of comfortable privilege. The music to the song is also just a full jam session so it’s always a funky little time when that part comes around, love the grooves!!

Ring 4 - Patrol 

If I could meet God face to face, full eye contact I would ask one thing only. To be freed of the beginning riff of this accursed song. I could be in full meltdown sobbing time and this stupid song comes on and I feel the scraps of amusement I can muster taking over my body in the form of the happiest disappointment. Most people feel it is a very “slap you in the face” type of song. The lyrical meanings are literally thrown at your feet, and it’s not much of a analytical exercise in regards to theme, but I forgive it because I feel as though I’m in a 80s-90s mall and the damn mall cop is following me around because I have the audacity to wear a backpack into Winners or something. The song does however finally introduce one of the biggest themes of Antimai - which is p o w e r !!!! and subsequently, the power of power (in regards to corruption). I think using an officer going down this path as the literary tool to display this is a smart move - especially in the language switch between choruses. While this individual has gained power, they also lost their identity, only referring to themself as “we” towards the end. Great song, love that stupid melody even if it does haunt me when I’m trying to focus in my grown up college classes.  

Ring 3 - Luxury 

The absolute unit of this song. The power it holds in single handedly parting this fandom like its the red sea. I am on the side of … it’s alright? I can slightly agree with a lot of the people not enjoying the first part of luxury (Hall of the Guides?? I guess?). I however, think a fast paced, word vomiting verse is very fitting for the people Casey is trying to show us. These people (more like… gross “not snails or robots” things)... are horrible, they have no regard for the safety of the people below them. A rap is perfect for a type of meeting between people who plan to dilute themselves further into a greedy madness - any other type of genre would feel too slow or soft. To me the chorus of the first part also slaps hard and I wanna boogie to it. The second part is where things look up in my opinion. I love the smoothness that contrasts the first part - while still egotistical and straight discriminatory towards the lower classes, it presents itself differently; The way the lyrics are sung almost remind me of how the lyrics in Tower seem to flow into each other. Personally I have not analysed The Cream of the Crop too much lyrically, I just really love that one small part just before the outro cha-cha slide like imposter… I can’t help but feel like I have my head out of a window, moving at rapid speeds and going somewhere!! Where?? IDK!! The lyrics tell me not to!! (Add-on, also interesting at the use of very aggressive cussing?? The dear boys don’t use that language too often in the music, so it’s a little important to show how these not snail or robot things just really suck ass.)    

Ring 2 - Nature

oooOOoohoh talking treeesssss,,.,. I do love this song though. It is short and sweet compared to the unit of the last song, but it tells the story it needs to tell. This one I’m focusing more on the tone of music and the thematic importance of this song. Nature definitely really fits the theme it laid down for itself. The music feels like I’m in a forest or some prairie type setting and a feeling of belonging and harmony (especially at the beginning), it’s just a cozy song! The theme is the key importance to this song however, explaining the nature of humans and how we exploit resources for unjustified reasons. I argue this song is very peaceful for the most part, but I swear this song hosts the most menacing line to ever exist. The outro is very well done, but the lyrics and how they are sung feels definitely like there is a horrible, ominous presence above them - and it will hurt you. IT IS NOT NO WORRIES AND THERE IS NO LAUGHTER. Considering what bitch we’re about to be introduced to, I say it’s a good vibe to end it on.  

Ring 1 - Tower

So when I first listened to Tower on July like… fourth, I have been consumed. My immediate impression was that this lil rich kid singing to me right now was trying to be a Regina George wannabe and writing his unchecked power high in his dream diary with a pink gel pen with a fuzzy pom-pom on the end of the pen, probably owns some rare monster high collectable dolls or something. I am incredibly biassed when it comes to loving this song - I am weak in the knees to queer coded villains and this man was oozing and dripping LGBTQIA+ vibes - while simultaneously seeming like the biggest homophobe ever - I beg of you to relisten to Tower with the lens of queer, no one says power like that who isn’t into BDSM. Moving on past bashing the emperor of Antimai viciously, the song itself is important thematically - as well as the way the song sounds. Tower is already a song built off of an important motif from The Indigo Child - which already makes me think we have an argument behind the abuse of religion and the abandoning (?? in some places ??) of religion (in some people) back to either this current Emperor or others before him (I am referencing verse 3 mostly). I also see this song as a slight foil to other songs, as mentioned in a review done by another person (James Fenny) It has a very different sound than the rest of them. The other songs use brass and concert instruments as the main sound, while Tower is almost solely based in synths - excluding the outro. It could not be important to any overall story, but I do think that fact is quite neat and it makes me love Tower a little more… it stands out musically and literally.

[sinceileftyoublog]

JID Live Show Preview: Byline Bank Aragon Ballroom, 3/21, Chicago

Photo by David KA

BY JORDAN MAINZER

With his third album The Forever Story (Dreamville/Interscope), in reflecting on his past and family and framing it within Black history as a whole, Atlanta rapper JID has effectively sculpted his artistic voice. The opening track of the ambitious record begins with a voice recording of his old football coach chewing him out. It’s funny, but it’s also fitting: The Forever Story pays tribute to the people who shaped JID, by nurturing him, criticizing him, and having his back. Take immediate highlight “Crack Sandwich”, in which he describes himself and his siblings engaging in an all-out brawl at a bar in New Orleans. The titular metaphor flips a Reagan-caused endemic on its head and reclaims it as one of ingenuity, JID admiring his brothers and sisters’ ability to survive in spite of white hegemony and systems of oppression: “On the football shit, but in class, he on the smart shit / Black man using his mind, it’s a target on your forehead,” he raps.

Indeed, The Forever Story is all over the place, thematically and sonically, but JID’s flow and versatility bridge disparate elements. On “Dance Now”, he claims he sold his soul to the Devil for his rap skills and then consciously adopts Tyler, the Creator’s gruff, Satanic register. Equally as impressive as his trademark Atlanta breakneck pace and Southern drawl are his singing chops, like on the spiritual “Kody Blue 31″ and funky “Bruddanem”. He effectively dances atop Kaytranada & JD Beck’s skittering percussion on “Can’t Punk Me” just as well as above the Aretha Franklin-sampled trap loop of “Surround Sound”. Perhaps most stunning, though, is his minimalist humility on “Sistanem”, a reflective and subdued track tackling his own toxic masculinity, addition, and guilt over not having a better relationship with his sister. “I'm not the only one affected by the poison in the mind / And the lifestyle that shine from the iced-out diamonds / That combine with misogynistic mindsets,” JID laments, before declaring, “I tossed that mindset overboard like an object,” one of seemingly infinite times he processes his internal struggles through unrivaled wordplay and layered poetry.

Tonight at the Byline Bank Aragon Ballroom, JID co-headlines with St. Louis rapper Smino as part of the Luv is 4Ever tour. You better bet they’ll do “Baguetti”.

[girlreviews]

Review #359: Radio City, Big Star

When I got to see Big Star in Memphis in 2022, they went ahead and played all three of their records more or less from start to finish. It was to mark the 50th anniversary of #1 Record. Time loses all meaning lately and death is all around us, but the point is, Radio City turned 50 in February 2024.

When I first fell in love with Big Star (see review #474) it wasn’t even possible to find their records. Anywhere. The only format available at that time was a reissue double album that had both #1 Record and Radio City on it. That was fine with me, and I found it at McKays when visiting my cousin before moving here. But I never super separated the two albums since I always heard them together. Based on ranking, and general popular opinion, Radio City is better than #1 Record. I really don’t know about that, but I do know that the tracks on it that are really good, are really fucking good, and that’s what gives it’s older sister a run for her money.

It opens with O, My Soul, which is… Well, what can I say. The drums really steal the show on this track. When I got to see Jody Stephens play this song, I damn near lost my tiny mind. He also messed up, so they started over, which meant that I got to hear it twice. I had waited long enough so I like to think that was just for me. This song can’t decide if it wants to be some kind of garage band banger or if it’s too lazy and just wants to take a nap. And you know what? That fucking speaks to me.

When I was turning 17, which is how old you have to be in England to learn to drive, I was offered driving lessons or a guitar from my parents. First of all, I wanted the guitar so badly, it wasn’t even a question. I also knew it was annoy the shit out of them that I would pick it over driving lessons. Driving lessons meant driving, which meant a car, which meant freedom. Except that I knew that it didn’t really. If it came from them, the lessons, the car, the anything, I’d really have no freedom and it would all be an illusion. So my wise teenage ass took the guitar, and remained so painfully committed to public transportation that we could do whatever we wanted (with a lot more effort), for real. I used to really lament that decision as all of my friends got their licenses and cars and I was stuck on the damn bus, but I knew what I was doing. I used to listen to O, My Soul to remind myself of why I did it, and to build up my confidence:

“I can’t get a license

To drive in my car

But I don’t really need it

If I’m a big star”

Love when a band references themselves, for starters. I kept this tradition up, though. I listen to this song any time I have a big meeting that I need to crush, an interview for a job, or just anything that I need to hype myself up (you’re really a nice girl, and I think you’re the most, and when we’re together, I feel like a boss). Yeah I sing it to myself about myself, what about it? It’s my very own Eye of the Tiger. I learned to drive when I was 24 years old, in London, with my lessons and car entirely self-funded. I have no regrets.

Mod Lang sounds like a T. Rex song. I’m into that. I hear The Byrds in this record, especially in September Gurls, which really is a Big Star classic and is a pretty compelling reason for this album to rank higher than its successor. It’s had more influence on pop culture than I had ever realized — for example. Katy Perry’s California Gurls was titled with that spelling because her producer was a Big Star fan and wanted to pay homage. It’s a really beautiful song, about Alex Chilton’s complicated love life. The three women he was involved with, or formerly involved with, that the song is about, all had birthdays in September. Chilton was very into astrology, as it turns out. That seems about right for him.

I have always had a real soft spot for Morpha Too. It’s so strange and simple. It feels like being dizzy and trying to walk a few paces. The harmonies are really striking and it just seems like a song that never really got finished. That’s how it sounds to me. I love it exactly how it is.

The record ends with I’m In Love With A Girl, which rivals Thirteen but is cute, rather than poignant. I had a man sing this to me once, on a roof. He stole my guitar and just had at it. It kind of makes my skin crawl to think of it (think Ken singing Matchbox 20 to Barbie). But, we all know how I feel about letting those kinds of things spoil songs for me, especially Big Star. Wilco’s Pat Sansone was in charge of this track at the 50th anniversary show and he was perfect, sang “gorl” and everything. All was right with the world. I was there, he wasn’t. The best part of this song is one single line repeated that serves as a bridge of sorts:

“All that a man should do

Is try, oooooh, oooooh

All that a man should do

Is try

Ooooh ooooooh”

Listen to it. It’s a beautiful sweet song. Please do not serenade any women with it on their (or any) guitar. Don’t be that guy. All you have to do is try, and trying doesn’t involve that.

[upalldown]

The Hives - The Death Of Randy Fitzsimmons

Sixth studio album and first in eleven years from the Swedish garage rockers

8/13

If you’ve been angry at the existence of terrible sleaze-rock bands like Greta Van Fleet and Måneskin, the one band you have to blame is The Hives. Where once their brand of hard-rockin’ cartoonishness kept the pale imitators at bay, an 11-year absence followed their last album, Lex Hives. This opened the door for bands that might not have been trying to copy The Hives, but they certainly occupied a space that they might have dominated, had the Swedish garage-rockers been around to do that domination themselves. Where did The Hives go? It’s hard to say — maybe it’s because their brand of rock has fallen to the wayside in popularity. If you ask frontman Howlin’ Pelle Almqvist, though, they didn’t stop rockin’ because it was uncool to do so, but the other way around: “I’m just saying that The Hives don’t release a record for 10 years, [and] rock becomes completely unpopular. Coincidence? We think not.”

Maybe, though, it’s because the world has just gotten less fun to be in. Rockin’ in the free world doesn’t pack quite the punch when the world feels less “free,” and feels more “permanently dystopian.” It’s as though Almqvist and the Hives knew that the only antidote they could formulate was a stronger version of the one they began perfecting 30 years ago — which is why it was time for Randy Fitzsimmons to die, giving fresh purpose to a dormant hellbeast of a band. Longtime followers of Hives lore know that their new album, The Death of Randy Fitzsimmons, refers to the man who got the band together in the first place and wrote all of their lyrics. Following his death, a mystery spurned on by the poem that served as Fitzsimmons’ death announcement led the band to exhume his fresh grave — only to find “not a body but instead several tapes, suits, and of paper bearing the words ‘The Death of Randy Fitzsimmons’ typed up as if a title. An instruction to make more music without him, but it’s also a dick move. It’s kind of an asshole thing to do, to keep us in the dark if he’s actually alive.”

If you’re new to The Hives, reading the above paragraph may have your head spinning a little bit — what kind of band creates a character, kills him, announces that his death was actually maybe faked, and labels that character as a dickhead for doing it? — but if you’ve kept an eye on the band in any capacity since “Walk Idiot Walk” blazed into the airwaves 20 years ago, this kind of goofiness shouldn’t be surprising. Excellently-named opener “Bogus Operandi” should tell you everything you need to know about the first Hives album in 11 years: towering riffs that shred effortlessly, all culminating in Almqvist’s first line: “SHIT! Damn! I overslept!” The following 30 minutes is a wild ride that rarely lets up, and the fact that track two, “Trapdoor Solution,” is even more of a fast-paced ripper feels like the band’s way of saying, “strap the fuck in.” Every song that follows knows exactly what it wants to do, and it accomplishes it as quickly as possible — even if it results in short, killer numbers like “Rigor Mortis Radio” and “The Bomb.” None of these songs leave you wanting for more — “Trapdoor Solution” is 63 seconds long — but they’re all seriously satisfying.

Much like fellow Swedish sleaze-maestros Viagra Boys, who took the great work The Hives did and ran as far as they could with it, this is a band that is at their best when they’re making boneheaded music that comes served with a wink to the camera. You can’t make this kind of music unless you throw yourself into it, like a wrestler’s kayfabe, except the magic continues even though we know damn well that guitarist’s given name isn’t Vigilante Carlstroem. This allows them to write nihilistic stompers like “Stick Up,” in which Almqvist reckons with the brutal cruelty of life itself, and then, one song later, delivers a shockingly uplifting shout-along chorus like “In the morning, they’ll be dead and gone/ Lift your chin and soldier on/ It’s just smoke and mirrors, baby, knockin’ on your beat-up brain.” A band like Måneskin could have written a song that sounds like “Crash Into the Weekend,” but only The Hives could have made it feel somehow fresh and exciting with its huge guitars and clapping rhythms, its repetitive lyrics infecting you with every fresh listen. None of these songs are revelatory — they’re all big dumb rock songs, so dumb that “Two Kinds of Trouble” comes right out and states that its central thesis came to Almqvist when he was six years old, and it doesn’t even sound out of place — but each of them is a precision weapon that was meant to elicit the biggest reaction when they get the chance to play them in front of people.

For as much as they put into the high-concept tomfoolery within the background of the album, it’s inessential to your listening experience — all you need to know is that they invented a narrative reason for the band to roar back into life, and that the end result is a high-octane return-to-form for a band that turned their hard-rock-sleaze kayfabe into something just as glorious as what they managed to conjure up in their heyday. The world has changed considerably since Lex Hives, to the point where the mere announcement of Randy Fitzsimmons felt like a blast from the past, forcing us to reckon with a simple question: “do we even need a new Hives album?” If The Hives asked themselves this question, we should be nothing but grateful that they came to a simpler answer: “fuck yeah, we absolutely do!”

[moody4world]

Conflicted

A/N(?): i am !!NOT!! a writer, everything i write and post is simply for fun and not to be taken seriously

A/N: i got this idea since i first listened to Melt by Kehlani which was months ago, i didnt know how to write or who to request it to so i held onto it but now it’s finally a written fic!!!

This is for my queer girlies <3

reader x urban, previous reader x kehlani

This is my first angst ever so please go easy on me💀

Your relationship with Urban is pretty new. The two of you started talking not too long after you had dealt with what you still called ‘your worst heartbreak ever’. Urban was aware that you just got out of a two year long relationship and he was very patient with your emotions.

He never rushed you and made sure that you were always comfortable with the pace you two were moving at.

He was really into you from the very beginning and to avoid anything going wrong, he decided to simply sit back and let you lead the ship. About two months into the talking stage things started getting more and more serious between the two of you. You would stay over at his place and he would stay over at yours, you guys would go on little dates here and there and you even met his friends and family. Urban had met your sisters and cousins but had yet to meet your parents because they lived in a different state.

The topic of your previous relationship had always been a sensitive one, Urban knew this which is why he avoided the subject just as much as you. The only thing he knew was that your ex partner was a woman and that it was the longest relationship you’ve had.

“Baby i’m joining Jack at the studio today do you wanna come with?” It wasn’t a rare occurrence that Urban would ask you to join them at the studio but it was rare that you would say yes.

You just felt like his time at the studio with Jack and his friends was his ‘me time’ and didn’t want to take that from him. However, you had nothing planned today and decided to hang out with them at the studio. You and Urb arrived at the studio at the same time as Jack who happened to be accompanied by dj drama.

What you didn’t expect is to run into your ex when you all walked through the door of the building. You could feel your heartbeat speed up and your thoughts were running faster than your brain could process, trying to think of how to handle the situation.

“I heard you have an album on the way” Jack said to Kehlani, to which she replied “I do i do i’m so excited for it i can’t wait for everyone to listen to it cause we actually just added some finishing touches and its good to go.” You didn’t know if you should feel relieved that she acted like the two of you were strangers or if you should be upset. You began to overthink more and more until Jacks voice interrupted your chaotic train of thought “That’s whats up, we’re actually working on my new album too right now so i definitely feel your excitement, got some pretty legendary features coming too “ “I cant wait to hear what you put out, i have a really special one on the album, i mean all these songs are special to me but there’s one i wrote for my last girl so i hope she listens to it.” well

“Damn you got some romantic shit on yours meanwhile i got a song named side piece” They all laughed at Jacks remark but you were still stuck on what Keh had said. She wrote a song for you…. not that she hasn’t done that before i mean..you did date for two wonderful years. But this time it was different. This time you hadn’t been peeking over her shoulder while she wrote the lovely words about your smile and how you touch her.

Was it going to be a happy song? a sad song? Urban noticed that you seemed distracted during the whole studio session. You would miss every joke because of how consumed you were by your thoughts.

On the way to drop you off you asked Urban if he would like to stay over. He felt relieved that even though you clearly weren’t in the best headspace you still wanted him close. He felt like it was an improvement from how you would usually shut him out when something was bothering you at the beginning of your relationship.

The two of you smoked and watched some of your favorite shows and cuddled all through the night. In the morning you felt much better but yesterday’s situation was still in the back of your mind.

As the days passed you slowly forgot all about it. Urban had been the sweetest boyfriend you could ever ask for. He was supportive of your model career and even helped you take your new digitals for a new agency you recently got signed to. A few weeks have gone by and the closer it got to Kehlani’s album release date, the more you kept seeing it everywhere. Instagram, Twitter, you name it.

It was 4 in the morning but you were laid in bed wide awake not being able to fall asleep. You were anxious to listen to Kehs new album but Urbans arm was around your waist while he was spooning you. His soft snores and occasional sleepy mumbling filled your ears as you gently caressed the hair on his arm.

By 6am you managed to fall back asleep until 8:30. Urb had to get up and get ready to go to work with Jack and you decided to get up as well. “Okay baby i’m gonna head out so i’m not too late, you know how mister tumnus gets” he says to you with a goofy smile on his face causing you to laugh as well. Urban stood at the foot of the bed just admiring you, sitting against the head of the bed covered up in the white blankets. He couldn’t believe he had such a beautiful soul to call his, your beauty was something he’d never get over. No matter how crazy your hair looked every morning. Pillow marks on your chubby cheeks and all.

“Stop staring at me you creep, you’re gonna end up late” you say to him half jokingly. His stare would always make your cheeks feel warm and made it hard for you to hold back a flustered smile. “Can i get a kiss before i go?” you pretended to think about your answer before giving into him, you could never say no to a kiss from him. I mean come on…do you see those lips?!

“Hmmmm, you don’t gotta ask twice” you had crawled to the end of the bed and stood on your knees so the two of you were now face to face.

You wrapped your arms around his neck and he wrapped his around your waist bringing you into what was meant to be a simple peck but slowly became more. His kisses were soft and felt like a warm hug.

Urban pulled back against his will. Because he knew that if he didn’t stop himself, he would either end up late or not leave your house at all. “You’ll come pick me up for lunch?” “Yeah hopefully the interview wont take too long, be ready when i get here okay?” “Okay baby, don’t forget your keys” you say to him when he’s halfway out the bedroom door and he sticks out a thumbs up through the door so you know he heard your reminder.

You got up and took a shower and decided to do some cleaning around the house. After you officially had nothing left to do you put on a random tv show. As soon as you opened your instagram you remembered that Kehs album had dropped. You had been so distracted by Urbans love and affection that it had left your mind almost completely.

You nervously went onto spotify searching up the album. Her music was always a good feeling to you, you always associated it with happiness so this new feeling of nervousness didn’t feel good in the slightest. You scrolled through the first songs and went straight to the one she had mentioned to Jack but indirectly at you too a few weeks ago. The title of the song was ‘melt’, you put the tv on mute and played the song.

I can't tell where your hair ends and mine begins

If I ain't have all these tattoos, I would think that it's your skin

If I move too quick past you, I would think it's my reflection

Being this close isn't close enough

You could tell every time we touch, every time we, oh

The first verse was already hard to deal with, you could feel your heartbeat speed up the tiniest bit and your eyes were starting to feel teary. And then came the pre chorus.

Wish I could build me a cute apartment

One-bedroom right where your heart is

Inch of space feels broken-hearted

Across the bed feels way too far and

I wonder when they see just one, do they see us two?

Ooh, oh

The lyrics had felt like a punch to the gut. No matter how much you tried you couldn’t hold back your tears. The longer you listened to the lyrics the harder you began to cry. You loved Kehlani with all your heart. The two years you two were together was the best years of your life, she was the best partner you had ever had in more ways than one. The breakup had been a mutual decision simply because you both wanted different things out of life. It hurt more than you could ever describe to someone.

Hearing her beautiful voice with such sentimental lyrics towards you threw your emotions for a loop. You thought that you had been over the situation and had all your focus on Urban and your new relationship but now you felt like you were wrong. Were you still in love with Keh? Do you really love Urban as much as you say you do? Had you been using him this whole time just to get over Keh?

You were so deep into your thoughts that you hadn’t heard Urban come in. Urb was alarmed when he was met with you crying your eyes out to Kehlani’s new album. He walked over to you lowkey wanting to laugh thinking it was just you being emotional. His smile dropped once you looked up at him. He knew that face…this wasn’t just you being emotional to a sad song.

He had so many questions, but you were so hysterical that he couldn’t even get one out. All he could do was hold you as you sobbed into his shoulder.

You definitely had some explaining to do….

part2

A/N: PLEASE LEAVE A FEEDBACK, if yall would like a part 2 lmk<3