#these two brought me serotonin yesterday but i feel nothing already

[quatari]

so like i wanted to draw a meme but then spent 5 hours rendering this. 

[tomboyneedshercoffee]

Lovedust Pt.6 || Peter Parker x Stark Reader

Summary: Y/N finds out more about how the lovedust works and it leads to her realizing her biggest fears about Peter if he’s cured. 

Word Count: 4.2k

Author’s Note: There’s a lot going on right now but thank you guys for being so incredibly kind and patient with me. Shit is going to hit the fan real soon with Lovedust so stay tuned! ALSO Don’t forget to leave comments if you guys liked it or hey even if you hated it! ALSO ALSO My taglist is getting pretty big and hectic so if I missed yours, I am VERY sorry pls just message me again so I can add you asap!

Warnings: Mild language, mentions of death and nightmares, slowburn

part one || part two || part three || part four || part five || part six ||

part seven || part eight || epilogue 

As your eyes fluttered open, you gave yourself a minute to adjust to the sound of rain hitting against your bedroom window. You closed your eyes as you inhaled deeply, your arm instinctively reached beside you to touch Peter, only to find that side of the bed empty. 

You opened your eyes again and slowly raised yourself up to turn to see that your prediction was correct and that he wasn’t next to you. You knew it wasn’t a dream, you distinctively remembered him holding you as you fell asleep but you guessed he might’ve left soon after. 

The memories of last night rushed through your head as you felt your heart drop slightly and already, you felt empty so early in the morning. You remembered everything about the nightmare but more importantly, you remembered Peter cradling you like a child as you cried in his arms. 

You couldn’t wrap your head around a single feeling to describe the thoughts in your mind. As every day passed, Peter was showing you more and more how much he truly cared for you, and the thought of him not being able to keep the same energy once he was cured terrified you. 

You loved this new Peter and how kind and compassionate he was around you. It was annoying at first dealing with the cringey pick up lines and weird comments about the two of you getting married but now that you realized there was more to those side effects, you found him even more endearing. 

It was the small things like how he sacrificed the right side of his body so that you could fit under the umbrella perfectly or how he would willingly sit through a horror movie for you even though you both knew how much he hated them. 

You even saw a change in yourself and how you treated him. The other day, you two sat side by side on the couch and shared headphones while listening to the playlist you made for him or when you would tell him a dumb joke just so you could hear him laugh. 

It was selfish to hang onto the idea that Peter would always be this kind to you but you rather savored the moments you two had together since you knew better to know that nothing in life was guaranteed. 

You felt embarrassed that he had seen you so vulnerable, especially since Peter didn’t know what happened to your parents and now, you felt like you owed him an explanation. You looked back at your clock and sighed once you saw that you had already missed the beginning half of school, you thought screw it, you were taking a mental health day. 

“ Is it senior skip day or something?” You looked up to see your dad standing in your doorway with his arms crossed over his chest in a scolding manner but once he saw your dazed expression, he dropped the act,” Y/N? Is everything okay?”

You could feel your throat tighten as you shook your head, refusing to cry again. 

“ Nightmare,” You swallowed to stop yourself from letting anymore sobs from coming out of your mouth as Tony sat next to you and put his hand on your shoulder. 

“ I know kid, I know,” Tony brought you closer to him as you hugged him tightly. 

You had told Tony about your nightmares but he was already well aware on what happened with your parents. You were still pretty young when your parents had passed and you’ve lived most of your life with Tony as a parent but that didn’t mean you weren’t traumatized over what happened years ago. 

Tony had not only given you a good home and had locked down your future, but he was always there to listen and offer help, whether it was from himself or health experts.

“ It was Peter this time,” You said softly as you felt your dad hug you even tighter,” I don’t know why but he was in the nightmare and he-he tried to hurt me...I feel so guilty, I don’t know why he was there but my brain just made him  you know?” 

“ That’s not something you can control Y/N, remember what I said, your brain just picks up on different people-unless he did something. Did he do something to you? Cause I swear-”

“ No, no Dad it was the opposite,” You sighed as you pulled away and bit the inside of your cheek,” I know you told me not to hang out with Peter but...we’ve been getting closer and I think I...I don’t know. All I know was that when he comforted me after my nightmare, I felt the safest I’ve been in a long time….Things are different now. I don’t know what I could say to convince you but please don’t get mad.” 

You looked down at your bedsheets to avoid his gaze and you weren’t sure if he was burning a stern glare at the back of your head or not. 

“ I’m not mad about Peter, I already knew you were seeing him behind my back anyway and I should’ve known you two would’ve pulled some Romeo and Juliet bullcrap. Anyway- You’re strong enough to look after yourself, hell stronger than some of these people living here and if I may speak candidly, I know you could kick his ass if he ever crossed a line,” Your dad said as you let out a small chuckle,” I want you to be safe and happy. I would prefer you feel that way without a boy in the mix but I won’t yuck your yum.”

You wrinkled your nose but you couldn’t help but smirk,” Do you think I’m strong enough to become an Avenger?” 

“ You already are,” Your dad smiled as you inhaled deeply,” but before we get too mushy, I did actually want to talk to you about the other day, you know, about Peter’s health.”

You sat up straighter in your seat as you nodded attentively at him before he continued. 

“ It’s really important that you keep this between you, me and Banner, okay? I’m gonna use some big words so keep up,” You nodded again as you felt your heart beat rapidly against your chest,” you already know this but the lovedust activates a huge amount of serotonin in the body and sometimes that can lead to some major health problems. Well, with every day that passes, he runs the risk of having a ventricular tachycardia and that’s what explained how he collapsed the other day-”

“ Hold on, he collapsed? And did you say a ventricular tachycardia? Like a heartattack?” You asked as you felt your own heart stop for a moment as your dad gave you a confused expression,” So you’re telling me the lovedust could kill him? When did this happen?”

Your dad inhaled sharply as he swallowed hard,” Yesterday afternoon. We were done running tests and Banner noticed a car pull up and I said it was your friend John-”

“Josh.”

“ Yeah sure. Then we heard a loud thud and Peter just dropped. He just fainted but still, it’s a sign that things are getting worse,” Your dad said as you felt your heart completely shatter.

You felt like it was all of your fault. Even though Peter just fainted, he could’ve hit his head and died right there and you couldn’t stop yourself from filling your head with more terrible thoughts. 

“ Oh my god, I never thought things would get this bad,” You said as you rested your forehead in the palm of your hands, trying to keep a consistent stream of thoughts but each idea made you think of Peter getting hurt,” and there’s still not a cure? What have you guys even figured out so far-it’s been almost a week!” 

You knew your dad was trying his best but all you wanted was for Peter to get better and it didn’t help that time was against everyone. Peter could suffer a heartattack at any time of day and it didn’t make you feel better than nothing was being solved. 

“ Well we have a pretty strong theory about what caused the lovedust if you’re up for hearing it,” Your dad suggested as you hesitantly nodded. 

“ Our main theory is that the lovedust is effective when the patient- Peter- makes contact with the variable-you- and since you were the first person he saw, it activated his serotonin output. So it could’ve been anyone and Peter would’ve had the same reaction,” Tony said and it was so silent for a minute that you could hear a pin drop,” why is your face pale?”

You didn’t know how much you didn’t want to hear that theory until this very moment. You weren’t even sure why you could feel your throat close up again but this news made you sink back onto your bed. 

Peter really didn’t mean anything he was saying. After all those late night talks about how in love with you he was, those were all just side effects. Those were never his thoughts. He never really loved you. 

“ Oh...that’s good I guess,” You said quietly as Tony’s pager buzzed. You could tell Tony wanted to stay and talk to you but when he looked down at the notification, it seemed pretty urgent,” you can go, I’m just gonna stay here for a little bit.” 

“ We’ll talk later, okay kiddo?” Tony patted your knee and walked past your bed, closing your bedroom door behind him. 

You stared up at your bedroom ceiling as you thought about what your dad said. Peter’s condition was getting worst but now, at least they figured out something that could help them along the way. If they could figure out the properties of the lovedust than that means they could reverse it and find a cure. 

What if you didn’t want them to find a cure? 

You almost talked yourself out of your thought and called yourself a selfish idiot in the process, the goal was for them to help Peter. This could help Peter, you reminded yourself as you got up from your bed to get dressed. 

You weren’t sure where you wanted to go but you thought that your mental health day could carry on to the outside world. 

Mad....why were you mad? 

You had no reason to be so upset and you kept reminding yourself as the elevator went down to the garage. You aggressively pressed the button to unlock your car and once you sat down in the driver’s seat, you started your car and backed out of the garage. 

It was pouring outside and while you hated driving in the rain, you just had to leave to clear your head. 

Why were you upset?

Maybe because for once in your life, you felt special. 

You stopped on the brakes and you could feel your heart sink into your chest as the rain hit against your windshield. 

You shook your head slowly before you slapped your hands against your steering wheel hard.  

Was it awful that you loved the attention you were getting and maybe, just maybe, you were starting to see Peter differently? 

You slammed your firsts against the wheel again and again as you let out a frustrated grunt through your gritted teeth. 

You were mad that Peter could die. You were mad that there wasn’t a cure. You were mad that the lovedust had ruined your life. You were content without Peter meddling in your life but now that he had left such an impression, all you wanted to do was make sure he stayed as true to himself as he was now. 

You couldn’t expect that from him. You couldn’t expect that once he was cured, he would act back to his regular douchebag self but anything was possible, he didn’t owe you anything. 

You taunted yourself as you tried to snap out of whatever this hellish tantrum you were throwing. 

Why would you be upset over a guy who had fake feelings for you all this time? 

It wasn’t his fault and it wasn’t your fault either.

Anyone. It could have been anyone. It could’ve been a sockpuppet and Peter would’ve probably tried marrying the damn thing. 

You snapped your head over to the passenger side of the door once you heard a hard tap come from the window. Once you saw it was Peter, you turned to face the front and unlocked the door without looking back at him. 

He opened the door and sat down beside you in the passenger seat without saying anything. He was soaking wet from head to toe and while you were annoyed he was getting the inside of your car wet, you had more important things to focus on. 

It was too quiet for your liking but there wasn’t anything you wanted to say to him. Frankly, you weren’t sure why you even let him in.

“ How did you sleep?” Peter asked quietly as he tested the waters.

It was clear that you were in some type of mood but Peter never knew how to approach situations like this, especially since he didn’t know why you were so upset. 

“ I slept fine, you?” 

“ Good I guess,” Peter shrugged as he shifted awkwardly in his seat,” are you okay? Are you upset about what happened last night-”

“ No,” You said truthfully as you leaned your head back against the headrest,” I mean, yes, I’m okay but no I’m not upset about last night.”

“ Well something is clearly bothering you and I just want to help. You know you can tell me anything, I mean it Y/N, we’re friends now. We shouldn’t be hiding things from each other,” Peter said as you let out a dry laugh. 

You knew you couldn’t reveal everything to Peter about what your dad had told you but it didn’t stop you from feeling angry. 

“ Okay, you want to be honest, lets be honest. When were you going to tell me that you collapsed at the lab?” You asked as you turned your whole body to face him,” my dad told me this morning.” 

Peter inhaled deeply but looked you straight in the eye,” I was going to tell you... eventually. It’s not like I had time to really sit down with you, I know you’re going through a lot right now and I didn’t want to stress you out. Besides, I feel fine now, it’s not a big deal.”

It was a big deal, he could die. That’s what you wanted to tell him. His life was at stake and yet you were keeping this big secret from him. It was hypocritical and wrong and if anyone else had told you, you would’ve revealed to Peter about his worsening condition. 

But it was your dad who told you to keep things a secret for now and you just had to trust him for both of your sakes. 

You looked at him for a moment as you studied his face while he did the same to you. It was as if you both had so much on your mind yet no one wanted to be the first one to detonate the bomb. 

“ I’m just so tired Peter. I’m tired of having conflicted feelings on whether or not this lovedust has been creating more problems than solving them… Whatever this is between us, I like it a lot but I hate feeling so pathetic to the point where I actually enjoy the feeling of having a guy give me attention only because of some space shit,” You turned your attention back to the steering wheel,” How do we carry on with our lives once you’re cured? What’s stopping you from being a complete asshole to me like before?” 

“ I told you, nothing has to change. No matter what happens, we’ll always be in each other’s lives as friends or something more. I would never treat you the way I did in the past, I swear on my life.” 

Peter could feel the energy in the car shift right as he finished speaking but there was nothing he could do to change the course of the conversation. The path had already been set and now, he just had to strap in and hope he could hang on. 

“ How am I supposed to believe that? How do I know anything you’re saying is true? Everything this lovedust has been built on is a lie, you don’t love me Peter. It’s a fucking chemical reaction that is messing with your body,” You snapped loudly but Peter hardly flinched,” your mind and body has been corrupted by a parasite. You say you love me but if you take the lovedust away, you don’t. It’s that simple.” 

“ Just because it’s a chemical reaction doesn’t mean that the way I’m feeling is a lie. I spend so many nights thinking about you and how happy you make me so for you to say that I don’t actually love you-”

“ Are you listening to yourself? You love me because of the dust, why is that so hard for you to understand? Love is supposed to be natural, this is not natural!  If the way you’re feeling isn’t a lie, look me in the eye right now and tell me, did you love me before the lovedust?” You asked as you turned back to face him,” tell me the honest truth, did you love me?” 

Peter felt like his body was burning up in the worst possible way and his throat felt dry as he thought carefully. It was so hard for him to see how terrible he was in the past because of the lovedust, all he could think when he saw you was just utter love. 

You were visibly hurt, even if you were shouting at him he could read you like a book and there was something that he knew was there but he just couldn’t figure out what it was. It felt like some sort of test that Peter had to decipher; he didn’t have all of the pieces of the puzzle so how was he supposed to get the full picture? 

“ I don’t...no. No I didn’t,” Peter said softly as you let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding,” but that doesn’t mean I didn’t care about you.” 

There it was, the million-dollar answer to the million-dollar question. Of course he didn’t love you, he had tormented you for years. Your dad’s “theory” was right, the lovedust didn’t matter if he had loved you beforehand. It could’ve been anyone. 

So even if you might’ve known all along, why did it hurt and why were you upset?

“ Stop lying to me. You never cared about me, you loved humiliating me,” You said in a shaky breath,” you loved seeing me cry and you loved it when I got mad. I could see it all across your face, you loved making me absolutely miserable. So you can say you love me all you want now, but I know the truth. You don’t understand, this lovedust is ruining me, Peter. Do you know how painful it is to be tormented for years and all of a sudden, the same person is now in love with you just like that?” 

“ Ruining you? You didn’t touch the damn thing! And you want to talk about pain-Do you know how painful it is to love you?” Peter shouted as he felt his voice crack,” If I’m not near you, I feel like I’m going to die but when I’m around you, my chest feels like it’s going to burst open and it’s painful. I’m in pain right when I wake up in the morning to right before I go to sleep everyday because the mere thought of you drives me insane-” 

“ I didn’t ask for you to love me-”

“ I didn’t ask to love you either!” Peter shouted back louder, this time to make sure you would stop interrupting him,” My body feels weak all the time, I’m fucking falling apart because I love you so much. So don’t tell me that I’m lying about loving you because that’s all I feel when I look at you. Even when I’m pissed off I still love you but if you think for one second I’m going to sit here and let you attack me for my past that I have already apologized for, then I don’t want to hear it.” 

Peter gave you one last look before getting out of your car and straight into the rain. Peter slammed the car door behind him so hard to where the door completely fell off the hinges but Peter was so angry that he kept walking away. 

“ You fucking...ugh!” You screamed as you got out of your car and followed behind him. 

You were completely livid, you both were being unfair but just because he was going through a different type of pain than you didn’t mean yours hurt any less. 

You shouted after Peter but the rain was so loud to the point where you considered that maybe he just couldn’t hear you. You sped up your pace to the point where you almost slipped against the concrete. 

“ You don’t get to tell me that I can’t be mad at the past Peter when it’s only been a week since you got infected!” You yelled as you grabbed Peter’s arm to stop him from walking away from you,” Just because you apologized doesn’t mean I can let it go so easily. For years, you made me feel like I would be alone for the rest of my life because no one would ever love me!”

Peter whipped his head back around to face you as you kept a strong grip around his wrist,“ And I’m telling you now that I love you and I was a fucking idiot for hurting you. Jesus Y/N I am sorry but we’ve had this conversation before so why are you mad at me?” 

All you could focus on were his eyes, which were darting back and fourth across your face as if he was pleading with you. You had pushed him across the line so many times but now, Peter was pushing back because he just needed a clear answer. 

You both were tired of yelling and fighting and in this moment, Peter was so close to tearing down the walls you had set up for years to keep yourself safe against him. It was eating away at you because deep down, you knew why you were mad at him, you just didn’t know if you could bring yourself to let it slip out of your mouth.

The rain sounded muffled and all you could think about was how cold you were feeling. You were somewhat forcing yourself to focus on anything other than Peter but you were trapped in his desperate gaze. 

You felt your breath hitch as you could feel yourself getting choked up,” I’m mad...I’m mad because the way you feel about me right now, it’s fleeting... it’s temporary. One day when you’re cured, you’re going to stop loving me and that terrifies me.” 

Peter squeezed your hand and you didn’t even realize that while you were talking, the grip you had around his wrist had moved to interlock your fingers with his. You could feel your chest tighten as you moved your eyes down to your hands and you slowly moved your gaze to meet Peter’s. 

“ Why does it terrify you?” Peter asked softly and now it was your turn to plead with him using your eyes as if you were saying please don’t make me say it.

Maybe a part of Peter knew that you wouldn’t admit that maybe, there was something developing between the two of you that you just couldn’t bring yourself to admit. But Peter knew you well and even as he read you like a book, he wanted to hear it for himself. 

“ I’m terrified because…” You almost said it as a whisper and even Peter was having a hard time hearing you because his heart was beating so loudly,” because I…”

You swallowed hard as you looked down at his lips and even if it was just for a second, Peter caught you staring. Peter felt his knees weaken and he was seconds away from just pulling you into his arms but it was your move. 

Peter had given you all the power and while a part of him felt relieved, it didn’t stop him from reaching up and tucking a strand of wet hair behind your ear. This was the moment he had been waiting for. 

He had given you all of the puzzle pieces you needed except he saved the last one just for you. He wanted you to put the last piece in so that way you two could step back together and admire all of the hard work you put into it. 

 You would’ve. You were going to let him know everything and unravel in his arms because finally, you could let go.

You wanted nothing more than to pick up that stupid puzzle piece and slam it into the puzzle to show him you were serious. You were going to let your walls crumble down and for once, you were going to be fearless. 

But you just couldn’t bring yourself to do it. 

“ I can’t,” You said softly as you let go of Peter’s hand and practically rushed back towards the building,  leaving Peter alone in the rain. 

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[queen-of-deans-booty]

Serotonin

Characters: Dean Winchester x Reader, Sam Winchester

Word Count: 2,031

Warnings: soft smut, cockwarming, fluff, mention of children on cases

Request by @sharp-cheekbones-locked​: Can you write a DeanxReader where a hunt went wrong and the reader needs to get out so Dean drags her into Baby and they drive around. They are no couple yet just best friends. Somewhen they stop it's dawn and they lay on the hood of the car while they watch the sunset and gaze stars. They end up holding hands, cuddling, kissing. If you want smut in baby.

Summary: Dean is your best friend, and you’ve always wanted to be more. If it happens, then it happens, and if it’s going to happen, then it’s going to happen now.

Squares Filled: driving in the impala for @spndeanbingo​ // god helps those who help themselves for @as-the-saying-goes-bingo​ // healer for @spnfluffbingo​ // “I’m fine. It’s just that life is pointless and nothing matters and I’m always tired.” for @spnquotebingo​

Author’s Note: This is unbeta’d and all mistakes are mine. If you have any requests, please send them in!

Hunts don’t always go as planned. Sometimes they allow room for ideas and improvising thinking that can either got o shit or it can save your life. Sometimes the monsters aren’t always what they seem, and you have to change your way of thinking and planning in order to get the monster. Sometimes, a hunt can take a turn for the worst, and you’re left with a dead child, a dead monster, and a lot of blood that’s been spilled.

It’s no one’s fault. You can’t ever predict this kind of behavior. Monsters act on their own accord, and you’re never really sure what you’re dealing with until you do. The child that died wasn’t anyone’s fault--it was a complete accident, but that doesn’t stop your brain from thinking back to your past, the decisions you’ve made, and the worry you now carry on your shoulders.

No one is safe, not even children anymore.

The entire ride home was spent in complete and utter pain of the choices you’ve made, worrying about where they are now and what they’re doing. Wondering if a monster is ever going to attack or grab at your choices. You know for a fact they aren’t in this life because you made sure they were far from it.

It’s weird how all you want is to hold him close as if being right by your side is safer than being on the other side of the world from you.

Dean can see just how much this hunt is taking a toll on you, but he doesn’t know how to ask you about it. The bags under your eyes are heavy, your shoulders sag from all the weight and stress you’ve been carrying, and your body is just tired. As soon as you trudge through the door, he says something.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. It’s just that life is pointless and nothing matters and I’m always tired,” you shrug.

“Okay, come with me.”

“Dean--”

“Just for a drive. Give me twenty minutes of your time.”

“Okay,” you whisper.

Sam takes yours and Dean’s bags since he knows something is up too. He wants to be of help in any way, but he knows Dean is going to help more. You’re much closer to the oldest brother than to the youngest. You’re the oldest sibling as well, you had to parent your younger siblings before, and you had to take on much more responsibilities than the others just to make sure they were having the time of their lives.

You know a thing or two about what Dean has been through, so he’s the brother you leaned on the most whenever you needed someone. You two are just friends, but the possibility of being something more has always been in the back of your mind. You’ve never done anything about it because you don’t want to ruin what you two have.

Plus, your friendship is more than amazing--he’s everything you could ever need in a best friend.

If you two happen, then you two happen. You’re very much happy with either of those choices. As long as he’s in your life, there can be no wrong. You’re just not going to actively search for something that doesn’t want to be found. You haven’t found it in ten years, and you’re not sure if you’ll ever find it in him.

The drive away from the bunker is nice. The windows are down, there is a nice breeze going on outside, the rock music is low and soothing, and your best friend is right next to you. There haven’t been any words exchanged on this ride since you two have got int he car, and that’s alright. Dean knows you’ll talk to him when you’re ready to talk. In the meantime, he’s just going to keep driving.

That twenty minutes took forty that also turned into an hour and a half. Right now, you’re parked on top of a hill that’s surrounded by trees overlooking the small city. The air is so clear and the sky is so dark that you can see the stars as if they were right in front of you and not millions of light-years away. The sun is almost going down, and it gives off a dull pinkish hue that makes everything seem magical. You two are ling on top of Baby’s hood, just lying in silence. That silence is broken when you sigh deeply with a shake of your head.

“You don’t know this about me, but when I graduated high school, I got pregnant,” you begin.

You can’t fathom the thought of looking at Dean right now, so you opt to look at the stars as if they are listening to you.

“I got pregnant with someone horrible. I left and had the baby all on my own. I wasn’t in the right mind to care for a child, so I put him up for adoption. I made sure he got adopted into a loving home with amazing parents--parents who are better than I could ever be. I got pregnant with someone truly horrible, but all I felt for my baby boy was pure love.

“All I could think was, ‘how can someone as beautiful as you come from someone as evil as him?’. I got scared knowing he’s all I’d ever want and need but also knowing that he deserved a lot more than me. Seeing that little boy yesterday brought it all back. I can’t even imagine my son in the hands of those monsters. I can’t even imagine my son always looking over his shoulder because something might be there to eat him if he’s not careful.

“I keep telling myself that with him being on the other side of the world with loving parents and a great home is a helluva lot better than being by my side with monsters and demons and guns. I don’t know what I’d do if I knew he was in danger without me being by his side. I make sure he’s okay. I have the family send me letters and postcards of him without him knowing. I have them sent to a P.O. Box a few towns over.

“But every time I see a child on our hunts, I think of him. What if it is him? What if the monsters got to him because he wasn’t prepared? What if they brought him to me just so they could rub it in my face that they are the ones killing him? It drives me insane just thinking about it, and I hate it. That’s why I get like this whenever a child is involved. I figured if anyone should know, it’s you.”

You finally have the courage to look at Dean, only to find out he’s already looking at you. His green eyes swirl with admiration and sympathy. You’re nothing to admire, but he’s on a whole other level right now.

“Thank you for telling me,” he says.

“You’re my best friend. I figured I owe you at least an explanation instead of shutting you out,” you chuckle dryly.

“You do that anyway.”

“I do,” you laugh.

You two stay like that, just staring into each other eyes. You’re afraid to make the next move in fear of it being the wrong one, so you just stay like that. It’s a nice night, and you don’t want to leave the bubble you blew around yourself. Just you and Dean, Baby, the stars, and nothing else to distract you two. If anything is going to happen, it’s going to happen now--you don’t know when and you don’t know how, but you have a feeling this is what you’ve been waiting for over ten years.

The stars twinkle in support for you two, and you find yourself leaning closer to Dean. Either you’re doing it or he is--maybe both--but your lips meet his in the middle. His lips are a lot softer than you’d imagine them to be with how much he licks, bites, and chews on them. His hand is soft against your cheek, just barely letting you know he isn’t going to be anything but gentle with you. Normally, you’d go for the much rougher side of things, but right now, you’re grateful for some tenderness.

You’re not exactly sure how you two ended up in the backseat of baby, but you can’t think of anything else except for the weight of his body against yours. Clothes peel off like old skin trying to shed from its new body. Two hearts beat as one the longer you spend pressed against his bare body. His lips are cool against your heated skin, yet the ignite the fire within you.

There’s no need for foreplay. You’ve had ten years’ worth of foreplay to encourage this one evening. He slides in easily as if he’s meant to be inside you this entire time. Out of all the men you’ve been with, never has someone felt as good as Dean does. It’s like the stars created you two to be together and with no one else.

Shocks of pleasure course up your spine, causing you to throw your head back. His lips attach themselves to your breasts, his hands grip your hips, and his cock hits places you never knew were there. His hips snap to yours quicker and faster, and the serotonin in your brain kicks in at full speed.

“Shit, Dean, you feel so good,” you moan.

“Are you going to come for me?” he whispers against your skin.

“Yes,” you let out a breathy moan.

“Do you want me to come in you?”

“Yes.”

“As you wish, sweetheart,” he grunts.

At the same time, his hips go just a bit harder causing his cock to push just a bit deeper. The car is filling up with sweat, heat, and the delicious smell of sex. Condensation covers the window, and you’ve always wanted to be like Rose in the Titanic when she has sex in the car with Jack. It’s not needed, but you slam your hand against the window, leaving behind evidence of your love.

Without detaching from your right breast, he moves his hand further south and rubs your clit in small circles. The immediate stimulation from that including the way his cock hits what you can only assume is your g-spot is enough to send you over the edge. Dean has been picturing this moment in his mind for a long time, and now that he gets to experience it with you, it’s enough to send him tumbling over the edge with you.

Your orgasm mixes with his in an attempt to create a child, but you know that’s impossible. Your first and only child was a miracle because you had almost died during childbirth, and the doctor explicitly told you that children weren't good odds for you in the future. Maybe they would happen with Dean, but you’re not getting your hopes up.

You come down from your high, but the serotonin in your brain stays at its peak level. Just being with Dean is enough to keep you on that high for the rest of your life. His cock softens inside you, but he doesn’t move to take it out. He likes staying where it’s warm, and you don’t mind the comfort.

“I love you,” you whisper when you get enough strength to stare into his eyes.

“I love you,” he repeats back to you.

“Let’s stay like this for a while. It feels nice,” you mutter and close your eyes.

“Yeah, it does,” he nods.

He moves while still keeping you locked onto him. You don’t know how he does it, but he has managed to flip you so he’s resting on the backseat with you on top of him. He didn’t want to crush you, but he likes having your weight on top of him. It’s reminding him that there is some good left in this world. It’s hard to find and it’s not always what you’re looking for, but once you have it, all the bad seems worth it.

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[eddie-rifff]

im switching over from the max doseage of zoloft, which ive been on for about eight (8) years, to lexapro over the course of a few weeks- down 50 mg every week. last night was the start of it so today im running on 150 mg instead of 200. i already dont feel good. im going to start the lexapro in two weeks so hopefully that’ll... do something..... but these next two weeks are going to be completely miserable, and i was miserable to begin with. 

nothing seems to be going right but there is nothing wrong. my relationship with my bf doesnt feel good anymore. i want to hide. i dont want to talk to anyone and im completely putting him out even though he’s been nothing but amazing to me this entire time, i just want to be alone. im trying to stick it out and see if whenever i start feeling better that i’ll also start feeling better about us but im terrified if that never happens. i was gonna marry him, we had so much to do, and now im questioning all of it.

and yet, that might be the least of my troubles when my brain is imploding from lack of serotonin. these next two weeks..... this isnt going to be good. i wont be able to do anything, i probably wont get any work dont, wont go riding... ill know misery like i dont know it now. but i have to. if i want to live and i want to accomplish any of the things i have set out to do i have to get through this.

but what if the lexapro doesnt work. fuck. am i seriously just going to be miserable forever? this is so scary to me. this is all so wrong. when i was born i didnt ask for this, i didnt ask to be brought into a world where i was doomed to fail. yesterday my new psychiatrist asked me about my family history of mental illness and as i started rattling off all the aunts and uncles and cousins who are bipolar, depressed, suicidal, or have actually killed themselves, he had to ask me to slow down because there was so many of them. 

ive been like this for 10 years, man. im only truly happy when im being fawned over by people at concerts, when the musicians look me in the eye, when they wink at me, catch the kisses i blow at them, touch me, kiss me. there is nothing like that high- nothing. and i havent had that in two years, i havent been truly happy in two fucking years. and they’re all old and dying anyway. fuck, dude.

this sucks. this all sucks so bad. i just want to be happy. 

when keith emerson died i wrote a poem called “stuff to do” because as badly as id like to follow his course of action i... have stuff to do, and i have to remember that. so dont worry about me, im just venting. but god. god this is hell.

[sinesalvatorem]

This morning I discussed taking antidepressants with my housemates, and settled on taking some 5-htp.

A little bit later, their dog vomited on the floor. One of my housemates cleaned it up while commenting that maybe their dog (who’s a rescue) was mistreated in her former home when she threw up, since she immediately rushed to her bed as if to hide. I said this was the Biggest Mood and extremely relatable because I still have trauma/freakout reactions around vomiting, lasting from childhood, due to expecting punishment.

During this time, my 5-htp was being metabolised into serotonin. Except, I think I must have already had as much serotonin as I needed, because I soon developed the symptoms of a mild case of serotonin syndrome. I spent the next two hours feverish and vomiting and unable to stand, with the world blurry and painful. And, of course, low-key freaking out about the vomit and my inability to clean it, because triggers gonna trigger.

I’ve just recently started coming to again, but wow. That was shockingly unpleasant. I remember thinking in the moment that this was a good example of the kind of suffering so acutely intense that it’s impossible to fully appreciate when not in the middle of experiencing it. Which I’m currently marveling at right now, because I know that however much I try to think about it again (while still feverish but mercifully no longer vomiting), the memory will never really capture it.

Anyway, the important thing I realised as I bottomed out and wished for any sweet release, is that my problem has been that I’ve been running away from suffering rather than trying to tackle it. Yesterday, I set an alarm to really sit down and think through all the stuff that’s making me depressed, and I kept postponing and postponing that alarm until I moved it to this morning. (My excuse was that I was using that time to study, which is productive, right? Right?)

Then, this morning, I just decided to dismiss the alarm and wait until I was in a less shitty mood to tackle my problems. I also felt extremely tempted to use cannabis, but decided not to, and took an antidepressant instead (which actually turned out to be a much worse idea this time). But the underlying issue is - I wanted the feeling bad to go away without having to change anything meaningful.

I’m kind of attached to my current life path. It has made me strong, capable, conscientious, reliable, motivated, and self-trusting. It’s brought me closer to who I want to be in great leaps and bounds.

But it hasn’t entirely taken away my need for human connection, like I’d been hoping it would. I was hoping I could achieve a state where I liked people but didn’t need them, and could just sit in my room and do math all day if I chose. That way, I wouldn’t be needy, so I wouldn’t be deserving of Universal Contempt, which is the deserved fate of anyone who ever has needs of any kind, assuming that anyone=me.

My Freudian slip was totally accurate: I do have a debilitating fear of needs.

So, I’m going to actually just dive straight into the despair. Everything I’m super averse to acknowledging, because that’ll make it real, and make me a failure. And the first part is the shame, which prevents me from acknowledging the problem to myself, because then other people might figure it out and give me the Universal Contempt I deserve.

Well, fuck it. I can’t fear people finding out if I just tell them preemptively, right? I have unmet needs for human connection. I feel lonely. I feel painfully distant from all other people. And this feels entitled, so I hate myself, and looking closely at this is painful and unfun.

But my approach to life isn’t about fun; it’s about winning. It’s about actually building a life I don’t feel the need to escape from with recreational drugs or anti-depressants or even trying to bury myself in studies. Those are all OK things to have in life, but I err every time I try to have them instead of life.

And if what it takes to get there is to, in this moment, surrender to the darkness and let myself think every painful thought - well, I guess that’s what I’m going to do. Because that better life is actually possible and worth more than all the suffering it might take to get there. I wasn’t born to give up at 20. I was born to thrive.

Post script

No, antidepressants will not in general fuck you up like what happened to me above. I’m currently suffering from a serotonin overdose that my body is gradually reabsorbing, because I took over the counter supplements recklessly.

If you’ve been prescribed antidepressants, or are considering whether you should, please don’t take this post as saying that antidepressants aren’t worth it, are running away from your problems, etc. There’s nothing wrong with antidepressants themselves - it’s that I was using them as a replacement for work I knew I needed to do on myself, and in attempting to grab any available crutch, I made a mistake.

Antidepressants, used correctly, can be part of what allows you to start tackling your problems in the first place. I don’t think they’re a replacement for internal work, but if you aren’t up to something stupid they can be a great aid for it. So, please, take your damn pills.

[mialoveslife339]

Step 7: Embrace Every Day as a New World

You have to win many small battles along the way. These are fought on the flat landscape of everyday life. We see the same people each day, by and large, and expect the same things from them. We work according to a routine that becomes second nature. Lapses into boredom, indifference, and inertia are possible at any time. But beneath this apparent flatness, life is constantly renewing itself. Your cells are never bored, distracted, inert, or detached. They are fully engaged in being alive. There seems to be a gap between mind and body. Since the mind sets the body’s agenda, if you lose the tiny battles against routine, inertia, and boredom, this gap will widen. The flood of renewal will ebb away; forward motion will gradually come to a halt. If you can close this gap, every day will seem like a renewal. 

There are two sides to every gap. The model for that is the synapse, the microscopic gap that separates the branchlike ends of brain cells. To have any brain activity, chemical messages must leap across the synapse. On one side is the sender, on the other the receiver. Both must be prepared to do the job impeccably. When the synapse stops working, the brain goes out of kilter. Your entire sense of self depends on what happens in the gap. Researchers have discovered that depression is linked to how much serotonin is sent across the synapse and then taken up again to clear the way for the next burst. In a normal brain the right amount of serotonin crosses the gap, then just enough is reabsorbed to keep sender and receiver ready for new messages. In a depressed person’s brain, too much serotonin is reabsorbed, and with depleted supplies, there’s not enough reserve to send the next message properly. Certain receptors get clogged, and others are empty. Without the right balance, you can’t be in a steady, secure mood of contentment.

Your soul sends energy and awareness, which you are set to receive. If your brain is occupied with too many old, outworn experiences, you can only receive a fraction of the new energy and awareness that is being sent. Coming out a failed relationship, you cannot think about a new relationship. You aren’t receptive on any level, beginning with the receptors in your brain cells, but extending to your sense of self, what you expect from love, how you view other people, how you cope with disappointment, and soon. Your whole self comes and goes across the gap, and the receptors that your life depends on are receivers of experience across the whole range of mind and body. 

Every day is a new world. Your brain is constructed to receive billions of bits of new data. Nothing compels it to hold on to old experiences that clog up the receiving mechanism. The reason today doesn’t feel completely new is that a new self is required. 

To the extent that you want to bridge yesterday and today with the same old self, renewal is blocked, just as surely as if you tried to fill a brain receptor when it was already full. Your brain won’t fill any receptors that you want to keep open. If you reinvent yourself every day, you will experience a new world with every sunrise. 

The brain is on dual control. It runs itself automatically, which means that chemical imbalances can build up on their own, and distorted patterns of brain activity tend to have their own momentum. Once set in place, they recur without outside intervention. To a huge degree, brain activity is voluntary. If you drink too much, engage in toxic relationships, or lack coping skills in times of stress, the result will be depressed brain function. In the end, each of us lives in both areas and must navigate them the best we can. 

The vast majority of control lies with you personally. The trick is to say “I want to be new today” so clearly and with such commitment that the message is received with no mistakes or confusion. Two brain cells facing each other across a synapse may act like separate entities, but they are part of the whole brain. The brain is part of you. It makes all the difference that you are both sender and receiver of every message. Most people have constructed a world of “me” and “not me.” As soon as they do that, all kinds of messages bombard them from the outside, since “not me” includes other people, the world at large, and Nature itself. 

The new day that you awoke to this morning is you in disguise. Its fresh opportunities come from a level of the self that is invisible and immaterial; wearing the disguise of the external world proves very effective. Every experience this day brought was subjective; it was received, processed, judged, and absorbed by your awareness. This day occurred in awareness, nowhere else, and you are awareness. 

No two people can experience today in the same way. Even one minute cannot be experienced the same way. Because you are experiencing a unique world, it’s up to you how any given moment is received, processed, judged, and absorbed. The self performs these tasks, and the quality of the self determines what you get out of life from moment to moment. At a superficial level there’s another person talking to you on the phone (a “not me”) but at the soul level one aspect of awareness is sending a message to another aspect. 

The present moment is the only place where renewal is possible, since we receive all messages now. There’s no special magic in the now. All that matters is the quality of the self as it receives the experience. The now is like an open brain receptor waiting for the give-and-take of the next message. 

If you are completely open, your awareness alert and expanded, your mind free of old conditioning, then the now will appear to be magical. In reality, you supply the magic. Once you realize the central role you play, it comes naturally to embrace every day as a new world. All the things that make it seem like the same old world reside in you, and by focusing on your personal evolution you can get rid of them.