#these people have GOT to live in blue states lmao

[dayisfading]

of all the things to criticize joe biden for, i think "he didn't do anything to protect roe" makes me the insanest

[prodbymaui]

Oops, Baby (I Love You)

I take this magnetic force of a man to be my lover

PAIRING: jeong jaehyun x reader

GENRE: modern royalty ; arranged marriage

WORD COUNT: 12.5k+ words

WARNINGS: heavy alcohol consumption, mentions of sleeping pills, food play, oral sex, dirty talks. (the whole fic is romcom slash very fluffy, the only nasty thing here is the smut scene)

SYNOPSIS: you had been living your life as a rebellious and controversial crown princess, now you must face the consequence of purifying your tainted image; marrying the gentle and infamous crown prince of South Korea.

PLAYLIST: Do you hear my heart?

A/N: after weeks of depression episodes what do you call them), I finally got the strength to finish this bad bitch lmao. I know you guys have been waiting so I hope you'll leave your thoughts after? anyways, happy reading!

Everything is spinning and everyone is either two or three. You don't know how much alcohol you've drank but certainly it was enough for you to stumble your way out of the bar, looking for somewhere to puke your guts out.

The intense nausea is already too much for your fucked up body system to accommodate, but the gods and deities thought it's not enough and it'll be perfect if you trip continuously on your Celine Truffle Pointed Heels, possibly damaging it more than you've done to your other shoes. The mask to hide your face is not helping as well.

Someone bumps your side and due to your drunken state, you lose your balance and break one of the heels, sending you to dive to your side. Your eyes shut close as you brace yourself for a painful slam but it never comes. Instead you meet a firm chest hidden underneath a black dress shirt and 2 layers of silver necklaces.

Looking up, through your hazy vision, you see pursed lips and palms up, as if avoiding touching you anywhere. As you step to regain your balance, you trip once again and like a deja vu, the man only lets you use his shoulders and chest to support yourself but never lets his hands touch you.

''You might want to get off of me, Ms…?''

Hearing that voice, a strange sense of familiarity and longing surge to your heart, engulfing it and squeezing it. As if to say, remember it.

''...heart.'' Why is my heart aching?

The man pulls away and observes you, sighing. He clears his throat. ''Sorry, Heart.''

His figure walking away is the last thing you see before your vision blacks out with no guarantee of you being able to recall the events that took place tonight.

Utmost disappointment. Series of distasteful comments. Disapproving reactions. Surely, these aren't the usual feelings of the people towards the soon-to-be-queen of their country but it has been the weekly routine for the people of yours to criticize their sole princess.

''Strip her off the royal titles–! Are these people out of their mind?!'' Your squeal that comes close to a banshee rings across the whole entirety of the bedroom.

''Excuse them, they take after their princess.'' Hiding her giggles behind a fist, Winter scrambles off the bed as you aim to strangle her fragile neck.

Barely dodging your deathly grips by an inch, Winter's yelps bounces off the walls continuously, followed by your irritated shrieks and threatening hands ready to crush your best friend. The chase eventually dies down with the two of you panting, catching your breaths. You pull her short brown locks one last time before jumping on the bed, face down. Winter does the same and lands next to you, arms draping over each other.

A knock disrupts the peaceful atmosphere that engulfs the room, pulling you out of your slumber trance. You knew the pattern of the knock too well. It is practiced by all royal staff to ensure politeness and great manners whenever they are surrounded by royalties and VIPs. Included in training  as per the Queen's request.

The door opens and it reveals a female servant. This one's not yours, judging by the blue brooch. ''Good evening, Your Highness. Ms. Kang wishes to see you in her office right now and orders me to fetch you.''

''And why is that?''

''She said nothing, Ma'am.''

That earns a boisterous laugh from your best friend, alongside a series of claps. ''Goodluck on hearing an hour of scolding, girl.''

Winter sends you a 'fighting' gesture. You give her your middle finger.

The trip to the advisor's office takes a few minutes as the private chambers of the royal members are at the east wing while gatherings, some royal duties, and part where it is open for the public are dealt with at the west side of the palace. You're still not mentally prepared when the wooden entrance makes its way for you. As your eyes meet the pair of the royal advisor, you know you should've prepared yourself much better.

''Good evening, Your Highness. Please do take a seat.''

Albeit it's probably showing on the courtesy of your eyebrows, you still cover your scoff with a cough under your breath. ''Drop the politeness, Eunhye. I don't need it.''

Eunhye removes the newspaper that serves as a hindrance for you to see her expression, and there you spot the disapproving look on her face. You shrug inwardly. What's new? You suppose people in their late 30s are quite uptight. Or it's just your former babysitter.

Kang Eunhye used to play with you a lot during your childhood whenever you and your friends didn't have a playdate. You should've known she was going to take up her late mother's position when Eunhye often disappeared after the death of the former royal advisor. That was when she started changing and became more strict with you.

''You don't need it, you say? Good. Because I don't perceive it as necessary when I tell you Her Majesty had gone haywire by yet another scandal of her sole heir that she asked me to not let you out of the palace if it's not for your studies or royal duties.''

''–what?! That's absurd!''

''Oh I think it's a light punishment for a scandal involving participating in a brawl, breaking the nose of a commoner and almost ending up in jail. Mind you, this happened in front of a controversial bar! And to top it all off, it hasn't been a week since you were caught sleeping in the streets because your drunk ass couldn't help yourself up!''

You scratch your head. ''...well, if the bodyguards came–''

''They would've if you didn't switch clothes with a random woman and make them follow her thinking it was you! Do you know they got suspended and will not receive a portion of their salary because of what YOU did? It's only because of the King that they were spared from getting fired.''

''Not my fault that the guards you hired were fools and easily deceived. They should've recognized my figure even with different clothes.''

''They are bodyguards. Not your devoted fans–,'' Eunhye sighs. ''Your Highness.''

A moment of silence travels along the soundwaves of the room decorated with blue.

''Okay…? What do you want me to do, then? Public appearances? Press conference?''

Eunhye, knowing her ways, will probably advise you to address the issue, apologize for the things that you don't even regret to pacify the netizen. And because they most likely (definitely) won't buy your fake ass apology statement and continue to terrorize you on social media, your schedule will be packed with attending public events to show your 'genuineness'.

You've done this routine more times than the royal court approves so you know what to expect. In fact, you already have a few suggestions ready on which events will possibly dust bits of dirt on your name. You know this like the back of your hand.

The Queen enters. ''No.''

Apparently, you don't..? 

The moment your mother opens her mouth, you feel as if a myriad of buckets of icy water washes over you.

''You will marry a gentleman with a clean image. By then, you will be seen with great influence and garner people's love.''

Once. Twice. You slap yourself three more times but you don't wake up from this nightmare. Winter only looks at you pitifully while chewing her steak.

''Darling, would you please stop hurting yourself?'' A lovable tone is evident from the King's voice, accompanied by a concerned stare.

You sigh but the stabs of your fork through your own steak doesn't stop. ''Marry a gentleman.. I can't fucking believe this.''

''Language.'' The Queen says firmly. ''I apologize for getting ahead of you. I suppose you don't fancy a gentleman?''

''You apologize for assuming my preference but not for taking away my freedom..?''

''Do you wish to marry a lady, then?''

Silence fills the table. You sigh. ''Honestly? Anything would be fine.''

Your mother mums. ''Very well, then. You will be meeting your fianceé in 3 days–''

''–as long as I get to choose who I am marrying.''

''That won't be possible. The person needs to have the most influence and power among your age. The gender will be the only thing we can let you choose.''

''You don't have problems with having a queer princess?''

The Queen frowns. ''Of course, why would we? It is neither a crime nor a sin.''

Your father then nods. ''The royal court fully supports it since two decades ago.''

''But not the 'choosing your own lover'?'' You can only shake your head. You turn to the maid nearby. ''Please bring this to my room, I'll eat there instead.''

Everyone watches you in silence. No one at the table dares to scold you for your behavior.

''She has the rights to be upset this time.'' The King comments.

''Yes, she does.'' The Queen agrees.

Winter warily looks around, pursing her lips as she raises her hand. ''Uhm.. Your Majesty?''

''Yes, Lady Minjeong?''

Winter winces at the mention of her government name. ''As your daughter's best friend, will it be possible for me to know who she'll be marrying?''

Smiling, the King snaps his finger. ''Ah.. let's see if the future lover would pass the best friend's vibe check.''

His husband sends him a curt glance. ''Don't ever try to use generational phrases, it doesn't suit you. Back to Lady Minjeong, yes, it is possible. Would you like to know now?''

''A-already? I thought you're still looking through the profiles?''

''We have tons of staff, Lady Minjeong.''

''Right, I forgot about that.'' Winter sheepishly smiles.

''I'll excuse myself then. I have an appointment with a VIP in an hour, I have to go.'' Just as the husband and wife head towards the exit of the dining hall, the Queen turns. ''It is Prince Jaehyun of South Korea. A good man and the best one for the princess.''

''None on twitter. Nadda on instagram. Nothing on their official website. Heck, there's not even a single picture on google! Does this Prince Jaehyun even exist?'' Winter exclaims as she continues to scroll on her phone.

Frowning, you throw a pillow in her direction. ''Let the others hear your whining and they'll think you have a crush on my soon-to-be-fianceé. Why are you so interested in him?''

''Well, duh! You're literally marrying him, that's enough reason for me to get curious! The question here is why are YOU not interested?''

''I'm more interested in that man at the bar.''

''You should give some! This is the person you'll be spending your life with we're talking about!''

Scoffing, you tug the ends of her hair. ''Will you stop saying I'll marry him? The engagement will be called off sooner than mom and dad can even realize it's coming.''

Winter gasps dramatically and shots up to sit. ''What if it's some old man with a stinky smell and white hair? Oh my god what if Her Majesty agreed to marry you off to some ugly ass 50 year old man for the sake of the country's betterment?!''

Threatening to punch her if she doesn't stop with the overthinking, Winter zips her mouth as she decides to scroll on her phone once again.

You sigh. ''Pretty sure, Mom wouldn't do that, right? I mean she said something about being the best out of the people among our age so..''

''Huh, look at this.''

Winter crawls to you from the part of the she is lying, hands careful not to swipe her screen and risk refreshing the page. You squint your eyes to see.

PANN:

Crown Prince Jaehyun Once Again Stuns The People Of South Korea With His Amazing Visuals.

[ +217, -5 ] It's a shame that we're not allowed to post a photo of him on the internet. How am I supposed to stare at his face for a long time then? How am I supposed to appreciate and share his beauty?

[ +190, -3 ] Daebak! The royal family just visited our village and the rumors weren't lying when they said Prince Jaehyun is handsome ahwksjskww. He's like a walking statue!

[ +165, -20 ] I would die for a man like Prince Jaehyun. Very gentleman and polite. One time, I was with my niece when I met him and the youngest prince in a mall. My niece really wanted the toy car but Prince Jaehyun and Prince Jaemin got the last one before use but they still gave it to my niece.

[ +132, -56 ] Heol ㅋㅋㅋ Of course he would say that, he has an image to keep up! Royalties would try to polish their personalities in public often because they can't afford to lose the trust of the people. It's so fucking dumb how you think the prince acts that way because that just how he is and not because he has an image to take care of.

[ +122, -13 ] The comment above lolol. You're just jealous that the prince has everything you don't; looks, manners, and brains ㅋㅋㅋ

[ +84, -7 ] I don't think Prince Jaehyun does it because people are watching him. I've seen him lecture Prince Jaemin about how he shouldn't expect to get what he wants every time and mind you no one was inside our store that time as our store isn't quite popular so he couldn't be doing it for his image. I feel like Prince Jaehyun is genuine!

[ +65, -5 ] Didn't a lot of people see him wearing clothes with no brands? And that he has a good relationship with the youngest prince? Idk about you but I'd say that speaks a lot about him.

[ +52, -3 ] I've met Prince Jaehyun a lot of times, the only thing I could say is; 'Ultimately Prince-Like'! Handsome and tall, like he's written by Taylor Swift ㅋㅋㅋ. Prince Jaehyun is a dream *three heart emojis*

As you read over the first comment again, the curve on your forehead only deepens. They are not allowed to post a photo of their prince? Then, that would explain the lack of appearance of the royalty everywhere on social media. This pricks your interest. 

''That's a bit.. odd. They forbid any pictures of that prince from getting uploaded.''

''I know right! It's strange. Why would they hide the prince's face if he's truly handsome like the people said?''

You suck the top of your teeth. ''Maybe he's actually ugly and those that say otherwise were paid people. Or probably royal staffs ordered to spread some good words about their prince.''

''Why are you so hell-bent in making him ugly? Can't accept that your parents actually chose someone handsome, rich, and has good personality?''

Shaking your head, you wave your hand dismissively. Oh how you wish you could swipe off that annoying smirk on Winter's face. Is there a rule saying a princess can escape any law including those that involves unaliving a certain daughter of a duke? Hopefully, there is!

If, miraculously, your parents bring that man from the bar to you and arrange him to a marriage with you, maybe then you'll agree to tie up the knot at such a young age. In fact, you might even drop down to your knees and serve him–

The alcohol, or lack thereof, is definitely not good for you.

With the news of your engagement being released plus the anger from the people that is far from dwindling anytime soon, Winter didn't think twice to join you when the idea of getting drunk comes up. There's nothing better than drowning yourself in alcohol after constantly having to deal with the disappointed people of your country.

However, the night is just near getting young when your personal bodyguards dragged you and your best friend out of the bar. It is said that the royal advisor ordered them to do so but your mother was the root. It angered you to the core. They took your freedom of marrying someone you truly love and now, they're depriving you of coping with it as well? How controlling.

Winter was sent home right after both of you got howled back to the royal car. A couple of warnings from the Duke to his daughter and you know something is off. 

Winter's father isn't one to indulge himself in his daughter's vices. Sure, he keeps tabs on her every now and then but the Duke of Boryeong never attempts to control Minjeong as if some kind of robot, lest he suffers from the wrath of Duchess of Boryeong.

You could only wish your own parents did the same. Maybe they will. If you beg for a couple of days in front of the palace while dawning your white hanbok like those korean historical films that Winter likes to watch.

Shutting the car door close, you pass a whisper of 'thank you' to the driver before striding inside the palace. There aren't many people aside from those guarding the entrance which is why you don't find the need to be extra careful on your way. Being free from the shackles of aches caused by your heels is the only thing on your mind.

Just as you turn a corner, straight down the hall that leads to the dining area– you collide with someone. It'll send you a few steps backwards if it's not for the grip on your blazer. Your vision clearing takes a couple of seconds, courtesy of being tipsy from your previous activity.

''Is everything alright?'' A rather soothing yet deep voice asks you, hands already back on his sides.

Your attention diverts to the man that steadies you. Sharp cheekbones in contrast to the soft jawline, almond eyes, and a slightly chapped lips. You wonder if they're naturally pink or the color comes from cosmetic products.

''Your Highness–'' Eunhye appears out of thin air and your bodies separate right as the royal advisor sets her eyes on you. 

Your Highness? Who could this be?

''Ah, I see, you've met each other already. Shall we take this to the dining..? Her Majesty awaits alongside the King and Queen of South Korea.''

No words are exchange between you. Silence fills the air. Clicking of heels appearing every now and then until they reach where your parents and the leaders of South Korea chatters. Everyone stands before their seats at the sight of two crown heirs.

You might be rebellious but no way you're gonna forget the basic manners each person should possess. Doing a brief curtsy, you earn a loving smile from the Queen of South Korea. It radiates warmth and comfort. 

The man beside you does a bow as well that makes his body fold to a 90 degrees. It was too formal for your liking. Too ancient royalty. Too prince-like. So this is what the mysterious prince of South Korea looks like. Somehow, it irks you to the bones.

Gritting your teeth, you sit at the right side of your father after exchanging pleasantries. Each person that occupies the seats of the table starts to dig in as they begin to discuss the matter which you assume is about your issue.

You thought you could go through this dinner in peace until the conversation, courtesy of your mother, diverts to you.

''I've seen the news but it doesn't bother me at all. The princess is merely having fun, just like those around her age do. I, myself, have gone through that phase. '' Queen Miyoung laughs softly. ''The Crown Princess is only at the wrong place, at the wrong time. We used to get in trouble for sneaking out often before as well, isn't that right?''

With the amount of times you've gotten snapped by the paps and you were caught doing shits that is considered inappropriate behavior for a royalty like you— surely, it's not a coincidence anymore. Ever since your first scandal came up, the media that follows your every step doubles. They are always hungry for a headline. And you cannot deny the fact that you're giving them a reason to use you as one.

Your mother reciprocates her friend's chuckles, shaking her head as they recall their memories during when they were your age. Surprisingly, there's a relief inside you. Well, at least the Queen of South Korea doesn't think you're a defect in the royal family.

''I think the wild-like personality of our dear perfectly contrasts the gentle and tame personality of Prince Jaehyun, which is a charming point that the people will eventually love once they got to know about this marriage.'' Your mother adds. 

Balling up your fist, you had to bite the insides of your cheeks to prevent your eyes from rolling.

''Oh absolutely!'' Queen Miyoung places a hand on her son's shoulder, a smile once again appearing on her captivating features. ''My son here is known in our country as someone who is compassionate, emphatic, and humble. Talented on top of that as well!''

Adoration paints your mother's face. ''So I've heard. I feel assured that someone like Prince Jaehyun will be taking care of my daughter.''

''Please, Your Majesty, you can just call me Jaehyun.''

The velvety voice swoons the hearts of the Queen. ''Alright, alright. My heart is beaming at the thought of having you as my son-in-law soon, Jaehyun.''

What the hell? What did this Jaehyun do for him to gain the favor of those around him? Even your father is nodding and smiling in approval as he shares a conversation with this insufferable prince! 

''Humor me, Jaehyun.'' Your father speaks. ''What do you do as a hobby?''

Probably plan how he can convince everyone with that fake ass personality lol.

Jaehyun pats the napkin on his lips before replying. ''Not much, Sir. I indulge myself in music instruments and sometimes, I also sing for fun.''

Did he do his research? That's your father's favorite pastime!

''Ah, singing! If you didn't know, that's one of the things I like the most especially if I'm consumed with boredom.''

Your mother nods. ''Catch him singing while signing papers at his office. Or while feeding our dogs.''

Chuckles blooms on the table.

''Maybe if we have enough time, you could sing for us?'' Your mother suggests as the others agree. 

Jaehyun shakes his head with a fist hiding his smile. ''I'm not great at singing but I'll make sure to prepare once that time comes.''

Acting humble now, eh? He doesn't have to prepare because you'll make sure that time won't come. The skin on your forehead creases even before you could stop it. This is stressing you out more than you anticipated.

Deciding to release your stress on something else, you proceed to harshly cut your Sole Meuniére with the knife prepared by the kitchen staff all the while pursing your lips. Poor innocent Mr. Fish, suffering from the wrath of a princess.

Operation: Stopping the wedding! Step 1, do things that will turn him off. Forking the sea creature's meat, you make sure to chew extra loudly, looking straight at Jaehyun's eyes as you open your mouth every now and then while munching. Surely, anyone would grimace at the sight of chewed fish meat inside one's mouth and at the sound it makes.

Anyone, Prince Jaehyun not included. You slow down the movement of your jaw when the man only sports a brief squint of his eyes before turning away, as if he didn't see the disgusting view you just showed him. Is he not disgusted? Hah! Maybe this is how he actually chews when there's no people around so he's not bothered by it. That's right!

You nod subtly at the voices in your head, gulping the food down when it starts to feel a little weird on your tongue. Reaching for the glass of water, you sip the liquid to tend your throat.

''So about the wedding next week–''

The people gasp, your father standing up from his seat. Series of coughing sounds emit from you as you pat your chest continuously.

''I'm sorry– the water went down the wrong pipe.'' You face towards the other way while massaging your throat, your back getting tapped by your father.

What were they thinking, mentioning that fucking wedding while eating? What if you die from choking? Far-fetched, but you don't cross out the possibilities anyway.

Clearing your throat, you give them a smile after fixing yourself. ''Did I hear it right? The wedding is next week? Isn't that quite fast? We're not chasing a due date here. Plus, we haven't even announced an engagement yet. I'm sure the people will be shocked if I'm suddenly married or engaged in just a matter of days. I suggest prolonging the engagement for– let's say.. a month? I think that would be realistic enough.''

King Jaekyung sends you a grin. ''Dear, your engagement is trending on social media platforms as we speak.''

''W-what?''

You quickly fish out your phone. You don't even have to search either your name or Jaehyun's because an article about your engagement pops up the moment the app loads.

JUST IN: The Crown Princess Revealed To Be Engaged To The Crown Prince of South Korea

After getting involved in numerous issues, the Crown Princess had dropped off the limelight for a few days only to surprise us with an amazing news. According to the exclusive interview held two days ago, Her Highness shyly reveals that the reason for her disappearance on the radar is because a certain man snatches her focus with a shiny ring!

The princess happily shares that she and Prince Jaehyun, Crown Prince of South Korea, have been in a healthy relationship for 4 years now and still going strong. During the early months of dating, the two royalties express their worries about causing an unnecessary ruckus and heartbreaks if they ever go through a break up. According to Her Highness, a stable relationship wasn't exactly guaranteed as they live in different countries and have heavy responsibilities as the future leaders which is why they avoided letting the people know about their romance until they are sure that they can handle the consequences all at once.

''The country had been experiencing some serious issues back then so when Jaehyun and I started to get in touch, we decided not to make it public immediately. Not only were we just starting but we also didn't want to stir another headline if we ever broke up. We were teenagers 4 years ago, we were kids. We know that we are bound to make mistakes but as the future leaders of our countries, adding our childish break up to the countries' problems isn't something that we desire. Thankfully though, our relationship stayed strong and sturdy. There were a few fights here and there, of course, but Jaehyun and I remained understanding with each other. Those years were the reason why I didn't hesitate to say yes when he proposed to me. It was just the two of us, no cameras, no media, no other people. Saying this might be off to some but I was glad that only the both of us got to witness it. As someone who lives in front of the camera and prying eyes, we enjoyed the privacy and intimacy we had during the proposal. We initially didn't plan to have our wedding soon but we figured that there's no point in prolonging what's been a long time coming. Our love kept us intact throughout the years and until now, I could say that I'm still very much and deeply falling in love with him.'' said the Crown Princess.

Furthermore, Prince Jaehyun also shared that one of the reasons that he hid his face was to protect his relationship with his future lover, now Crown Princess. Show more…

''I don't– I don't remember getting interviewed for this...''

The Queen massages your shoulder. ''That's the power of influence, love.''

A shrieking scream jostles Winter in her bed despite being on the other line. Rubbing her ears, Winter felt as if her eardrums got busted just now. She munches on her cookies while she waits for you to be finished with all your screaming and throwing angry punches at the poor teddy bear beside your pillows.

The screeching stops. You look at Winter through the screen of your phone. ''Humor me.''

Eyes boring to you, she didn't stop licking the crumbs that were left on her fingers. ''What is it?''

''Making up stories about my supposed relationship with that man was one thing, but seriously? Telling the whole country I'm still fucking falling in love? Deeply even!''

You hear your bestfriend giggle. ''You think them making everyone think you're smitten with a man is worse than creating fake ass stories about your love life?''

''Well, Isn't it?''

''You're unbelievable.''

''Tell me something I don't know.'' Getting off your bed, you head out of the room. ''Anyways, text you later.'' Blowing her a kiss, the call ended just as you jog down the stairs.

It's been three days since you last saw that prince and those days might be the happiest of your entire life, sans the nags from your mom to get closer with that twat. For a few suns, you've surprisingly experienced peace.

However, it didn't last a long time. It seems like when God precipitated a rain of misfortunes, you were in the middle– swimming in it. Instead of peacefully staying at the palace just like you had always done, you received the news saying you'll move to a place– an apartment. And you received it through waking up one day and seeing them packing your things without even asking your permission. You were asking yourself whether it's real, or it's just a figment of your imagination as sleep still buzzed in your veins.

Now, what's so unfortunate about having your own place? Jeong Jaehyun, is what's unfortunate. You won't forget that infuriating smirk that he sports as he watches you glare at the boxes in the living room, boring holes in them. Complaints start to spill out of your mouth in a whisper despite being in the same space with him in just a matter of an hour.

Dividing the closet and choosing bedrooms is a nightmare. Everyone knows you've got things enough for 3 people, including your heels collection. Storing your possessions requires a big space, but Jeong Jaehyun thought it was a great idea to upped you and place his stupid rubber shoes (or sneakers) collections first without leaving any space for your heels.

Jaehyun stands by the door, leaning on the frame with his arms crossed as he witnesses you turn into some kind of witch, casting different spells, desperate to cast his annoying ass away. It's so comical that it had Jaehyun's shoulder shake as he stifles his laugh. A witch with a collection of heels? Truly, one of a kind.

''Let's split them, Jeong. You take the right side, I'll take the left.''

''No can do.''

''The fuck? Are you expecting me to leave my babies on the floor?''

Jaehyun quirks a brow. ''What's so bad about that? I'm sure your 'babies' will not mind where they are placed, nonetheless.''

''Well, I do!''

The prince turns his heels, but before walking away, he looks at you over his shoulder. ''Learn to take a no, witch.''

''W–what? A fucking what? Hey! Jeong, you jerk– get back here and repeat what you said! Oh you piece of– you did not just say what I heard you said.''

Needless to say, the night ended with you cackling like the devil you are in your room while Jaehyun stays at the kitchen, pressing a cold compress to his skin, hissing. This should go away by tomorrow, or he wouldn't be able to explain how he got a faint mark of slippers on his forehead. Prepare a protective gear if he wants to taunt a witch, Jaehyun notes.

Operation: Stopping the wedding! Step 2, piss the fuck out of him like he does to you.

Being the menace that he is, Jeong made it his daily errand to annoy the hell out of you. His day wouldn't go by without doing things that ticks you off so much you just wish something important would come up in Korea so Jaehyun would be obligated to leave your country and magically stay there for good. 

Example no.1, the cookies you baked for yourself.

''Jeong, where's the cookies?''

''What cookies?''

''The ones in the tray. On the countertop.''

''I don't know no cookies.''

The crumbs on the corner of his lips says otherwise. You waited for half an hour to eat that!

''You– Jeong!!''

Example no.2 followed not long after. You were running late for a hang out with Winter as you couldn't find your today's pick of pair of heels. No, you wouldn't leave this apartment until you find that very pair. Your outfit won't look put together if you wear a different one.

A quarter before 9 PM, you still haven't found the shoes. Did you perhaps leave it at the palace? That couldn't be! You swear you saw it yesterday. Going back and forth to the walk-in closet, living room, and your bedroom– you're this close to tearing your hair apart and turning the whole apartment upside down.

Your phone pings and displays Winter's message. ''Fuuuck, where did I put that?''

Washing your hands over your face, you tilt your head upwards as you let out an exasperated sigh, stomping your feet in annoyance. When you open your eyes, you see the shoes you had been looking for the past 30 minutes. At the ceiling. Where the broken ceiling fan used to be.

How the hell did that even get— You recall seeing Jaehyun standing on a ladder this morning, saying something about fixing the fan.

''JEONG JAEHYUN, YOU FUCKER!!''

Boisterous laughter echoes from the bastard's room.

You still haven't recovered from the heels incident when example no.3 shows itself.

Hammered from drinking all night long after getting your hands on your shoes, you are swaying and tripping as you reach the apartment, slurring your nonsensical words. You don't know how, but you got home safely anyway. A hangover was expected yet it is harsher than you thought it would be.

''Ah fuck..'' You hold your pounding head.

Heading towards the kitchen, you fend your drying throat some water. Washing yourself is not on the list as you change out of your black bodycon dress and fit yourself into an oversized hoodie and sweatpants. You jog out of the building after fighting the urge to throw up the elevator and arrive at the convenience store in no time, your breath that reeks of alcohol be damned.

Picking up a few items for your hangover didn't take long, the cashier is already punching them a few minutes upon your arrival.

''You..''

You bore your eyes to the cashier. ''Yes?''

''...Nothing, Ma'am.'' He then proceeds to tell you the total of what you bought.

There's no further exchange between the two of you after that, so when you get your plastic bag, you walk back to your apartment. As you prepare yourself some cup noodles, you tilt your head, tsking.

Is it just you or the cashier has been giving you some looks? You might be suffering from a headache but pretty sure, you're sober enough to notice the subtle glances the cashier has been giving you. Did you do something stupid again last night? But Eunhye would be calling you first in the morning if you did. Maybe he recognizes your face? The country's princess' face is plastered everywhere. 

''Whatever. Why am I even thinking about it?'' Ever since the engagement, you noticed that you became more cautious in your actions. The streets say the lioness got tamed by a prince. You say you just learned your lesson not to underestimate your mother's punishments.

Staring at your food, your bladder got triggered at the sight of the soup. Peeing what's probably the alcohol in your system, you stand before the sink to wash your hands. And when you look up, you feel an overwhelming surge of emotion.

You are shocked. You are angry. You want to hide yourself from embarrassment. You want to punch the wall. And on top of that, you desire to unalive a royalty, preferably a crown prince that comes from South Korea.

A smile that appears to stretch the ends of your lips. A massive black dot on your nose and cheeks. Two big horns at the top of your eyebrows.

''JEONG JAEHYUN YOU ARE FUCKING DEAD!!''

There were a lot of pranks that Jaehyun had played, with big ones not failing to show up each week. Hiding your charger. Stealing your snacks. Mismatching your socks. And many more that ruin your day so often that the second thing you'd do after waking up is checking for the prank that the prince had done for the day. You are frustrated. And it's not like you to let these kinds of things pass without getting back. This time, you're making sure he'll order to stop the wedding and regret messing with you.

Shuffling in her bed, Winter huffs. ''What do you want?''

''Help me curate a list of the most infuriating pranks.''

Your best friend frowns. ''What for? Are you turning to a kid now? Or perhaps, you're..'' Then she gasps. ''You're carrying a kid?!''

''..The fuck?'' How did she even come up with that conclusion?

''Isn't that what happens when two people who hate each other's guts live under the same roof? Like enemies to lovers!''

You scoff. ''I told you to stop watching kdramas.''

''I'm Korean, duh!'' Winter rolls her eyes. ''Don't forget I'm still upset you took a long time before telling me you literally moved in with your fianceé.''

''Well now you know, and I'm asking for help so I could escape this hellhole.''

''Wait– so you're telling me to suggest pranks in order for you to move out? How does pranking even equals to that?''

Giving her a bored stare, you click your tongue. ''I'll piss the hell of out him, he won't be able to sleep properly at night.''

Winter squeaks. ''You're pranking the prince–?!''

''Yeah, no shit. Who else would it be?''

''Never thought I'd to live the day I'll see you getting on prank wars with your fianceé.''

''Yadda yadda. Just help me with it, please.'' Winter fake gags as she watches you bat your eyes at her.

''Promise me when you get in trouble, my name won't get drag.''

''You're my ride or die, though..''

''...''

''...''

''...Fine.''

''Yay!!''

Jaehyun passes the clock a glance. He's up early so he doesn't have to worry about getting late to his appointment for the day. His footsteps ring from his bedroom, eventually transfering to the kitchen. Just as Jaehyun reaches out for a mug, a container catches his attention.

''Made too much, you can eat it if you want.'' The sticker on it says.

His eyes must be playing with him. What has gone to the witch? Should he be scared? Although overthinking aside, you mentioned that you only made more than enough for one person, hence giving it to him. Welp, free breakfast for him then.

Sitting down, Jaehyun takes off his coat lest he stains it minutes before he attends an appointment. The lid clicks open and his nostrils hit with an appetizing scent of eggs and bacons. There's some rice and tomatoes on the side as well.

Biting the bacon along with rice, Jaehyun chews slowly, checking out the taste. He then hums, figuring out there's nothing to be afraid of. They taste like what they should've been. Strangely, Jaehyun thinks it tastes more delicious.

Today, you are not at the unit as it is the start of your 'redeeming reputation' era. Jaehyun ponders what you're doing right now. Are you sleepy? He heard you talking to your friend at 2am. Have you eaten breakfast properly? You eat a little in the morning. Are you having fun? Or you're just pretending to be? You don't fancy gatherings unless it's with people you are close to.

Jaehyun doesn't know when he started thinking of you, he just catches himself wondering what you're up to often. Is he catching feelings? Is he getting infatuated? Jaehyun doesn't think much of it. If he's developing feelings, then so be it. Would it be bad for him to harbor romantic feelings for his–

Saliva lands everywhere on the counter as Jaehyun launches forward, spitting what he ate at the empty spot of his plate. ''What the fuck..?''

Using a fork, he pokes the egg, turning it sideways, up and down. The food breaks down with all the movement, revealing the receipt that left an overly salty taste on Jaehyun's buds.

Fishing out his phone, he snaps a picture of the devil food in front of him before sending it to you, uncaring if it looks disgusting and all chewed up.

JH: What the hell is this?

Not even a minute, you reply. As if you've been waiting for him to message you.

You: Uh.. egg? Duh.

Jaehyun clicks his tongue.

JH: I know it's a goddamn egg. Why the fuck does it have clumps of rock salts in it? We put iodized, not the huge ones.

You: Heh. *Tongue out and eyes shut closed tightly emoji*

Jaehyun gulps down his water alongside his irritation, eyebrows meeting each other. He tries to settle for the bacon and rice but the demonic egg fucked up his taste buds and now, he can't enjoy his breakfast. Jaehyun should've known his fate was written the moment he decided to prank you.

Little did the royalty know, it was just the start of his road to slow death. Starting from the salty as fuck eggs, Jaehyun soon finds out you took the remote of the TV and so he couldn't watch the movie he had been waiting for since the announcement of its release date, unfortunately Jaehyun is not one to remember his passwords– he couldn't log in on his mobile phone.

What comes next is the kitchen sprinklers. You must've noticed Jaehyun cooks his own food from thereon (the egg incident) and figures out it'll be a good idea to use it against him. Jaehyun didn't see the lack of labels on the sprinklers, and with his hands already memorizing the placement of herbs and spices, Jaehyun grabs what he knows is the right one. Long story short, the prince opts for food delivery as his kimchi jjigae was for the ants. It was like the demon egg all over again, except this time, it was fucking sweet.

3 days later, when Jaehyun's favorite sneakers went missing, he knew he hadn't misplaced them. Is he unlucky that you're out of the city to do your princess duties? Maybe. Is he gonna let this piss him off? No, that means satisfying your goals. This is nothing, Jaehyun can search for it, surely it's somewhere in the house.

Wrong. Well, it is in the area of the house but it's not in the house. Guess where Jaehyun found his fucking sneakers? On the fucking rooftop. How did you even put that there, he doesn't have a clue. In the end, Jaehyun had to climb a ladder and fell once at the third step (he's quite clumsy, yes) before retrieving his shoes.

As Jaehyun sits through a meeting in a stained white (or should he say pink) dress shirt, he is surely determined to get that win back

Acting civil with your fianceé is something you didn't expect after a constant back and forth of ruining each other's day, but you suppose it's only appropriate in a dinner with the family of both sides. Royals like meals as family bonding it seems, not that you know. Or do your parents consider discussing country matters on dinners as one?

Sipping your champagne, you hum quietly at the taste, too busy in your own world to listen to whatever conversation they are having at the other side of the table. That is until your father softly calls your name. You turn to him and pay attention.

''How's your appearances doing so far?''

''Good, I guess..? If it's not, Eunhye won't let me rest for a day or two.''

It's not like the King and Queen only orders you to help in charities and orphanages solely for building a good reputation for you, they also genuinely care about the unfortunate.

''That's great to hear then.'' Queen Miyoung smiles. And even though you're once struck by her beauty, it doesn't sit well with you.

''Hmm?''

What your mother says next emits a confused look from you. ''Prince Jaehyun will be accompanying you in every schedule, especially those that involves the media.''

You frown. ''But I thought it was for my image? Why would I need him to come with me?''

''Because once people see you getting along with your husband, moreover someone known for his kind and compassionate personality, it'll be easier to convince them that you've changed. Prince Jaehyun will be a great help to you.''

Seeing the grin that the man in front of you is not-so trying to hide, you clench your fist around the cutleries. How irritating.

''It was all thanks to the Prince for he voluntarily comes forward to join you on your appearances including those that does not involve medias.''

So the suffering you'll experience for the following weeks was his idea?

Squinting your eyes at the prince, you reach your foot forward, your face remains unchanging. You observe Jaehyun who's happily eating his food for a few seconds before smirking and stomping down on his foot hard enough to make it hard for him to hide his pathetic whimper.

Concern and worries are thrown at him but he dismisses them with his usual flower smile. Jaehyun then looks at you, his eyes diverting your subtly hidden fist, gesturing to punch him as a representative for your irritation at him. Jaehyun tongues his cheek and chuckles. He dares to fucking chuckle?!

Why is he smiling as if he won the olympics? Why is he so smug about this? And more importantly, why is your heart racing as you stare at the dimples shyly peeking out?

You yelp as you accidentally bite your tongue. Before you could even reach for yours, Jaehyun shoves his glass of water to your hands. Everyone is looking at the exchange, you have no choice but to accept his offer. You wanted them to believe this marriage fell apart naturally, and not because you sabotaged it. Though, you plan on doing the latter.

King Jaekyung's snicker rings on your ears. ''Ah, it seems like the two have been getting along. Perhaps the shared apartment was indeed a great idea.''

Your mother follows right after, clapping lightly. ''Right, right. Look at them, treating each other like real lovers. I'm not gonna be surprised if they themselves request for the wedding to be done soon.''

''How lovely. Are you alright though, darling? What has caused you to bite your tongue?'' Queen Miyoung worries.

''It's noth–''

''She was too busy staring at my face, Mom.'' Now, what the flying fuck is this motherfuck trying to play?

Queen Miyoung squeaks. ''Is that so?''

''Yes– my fianceé here even once said I'm too handsome, I could be up as an exhibit in Louvre.''

You give Jaehyun a smile so sarcastic he will know to run for his life the moment you two get out of here. The other people in the room thought it was a smile fondness instead. While Jaehyun sends you a finger heart, you itch to send him the middle finger.

Your mother shares a giggle with Mrs. Jung. ''Ah.. young love.''

Jaehyun earns another stomp.

Days after the dinner with the Kings and Queens sees you and Jaehyun in a kindergarten wearing pink white polka dots aprons. The little humans cheer as their teacher announces that they'll be designing their own cakes today with the help of the visitors. Visitors being you and Jaehyun.

Raising a piece of fruit, you snatch the kids' attention. ''Who wants some strawberries?'' 

''I want to! I want–!'' Little Seol-a makes grabby hands to you, making you chuckle.

''Okay, okay. Say ah..'' Popping the strawberry in Seol-a's mouth, you receive a cute giggle and 'thank you' from the little girl.

As the teacher announces the start of the making, everyone quickly gets to work, eager to create their most beautiful versions of cakes. Since you also have a cake to decorate, you only look at the kids every now and then, checking up on them. So far, everyone's doing good.

A high-pitched voice calls you. ''Can you please help me with the icing..?''

Smiling, you leave your seat and transfer beside Mina. ''What should we do?''

''I want it pink like Seol-a's, it's so pretty!''

Mina's words pull Seol-a out of her focus, turning to the two of you. Seol-a purses her lips. ''But I'm making it for my mommy. Does your mommy likes pink too?''

Mina looks down and her eyebrows crease in thinking. ''No. My mama likes blue, I think..''

Watching the exchange, you could tell that Seol-a doesn't want to tell Mina off but at the same time, she doesn't want her friend to do exactly the same as she's decorating hers specifically at the thought of her mom.

You decide to step up. ''Then, Mina, would you like yours to be blue?''

Mina ponders for a second before nodding, smiling a bit. ''Okay..''

Seol-a perks up. ''Mina! I'll be pink and yours will be blue, and then let's decorate it the same so our mommies would get matching cakes!''

Mina lights up at what she heard. She will have a matching cake with Seol-a, yet also have her own version. The two girls squeals at the cute teddy bears and gushes over the pastel colors their cakes will be. You smile in adoration.

Minutes pass, little humans ask for your assistance until almost everyone at your table is finished. You feel a tap on your back.

''Hi, Rowoon!''

The chubby boy smiles cutely at you, hugging you. ''Teacher, can you come help me please? Teacher Jaehyun is a bit busy with the others.''

Glancing at Jaehyun, a bunch of kids flock around him, calling his name and asking for his help. It has no sign of dwindling down so you nod, heading towards the boy's place after telling your own group that you'll be at the other table. As you help Rowoon with his cakes, you fail to ignore the conversations he's having with the kids due to the proximity.

''I love chocolates, I eat them everyday! Teacher, do you like chocolates?''

''Yes, of course. Chocolates is one of my favorites.''

''I like chocolate too but my mom won't let me eat more than three. Does your mom let you eat a lot of chocolate, Teacher?''

Jaehyun laughs, shaking his head at the core memory of Queen Miyoung scolding him for eating too much sweets. ''No, she doesn't. Your teeth will turn bad if you eat a lot of it and mommies are just taking care of you.''

''Turn bad? Like fall out–?!'' 

''Most likely.'' The little boy covers his mouth dramatically, earning another laugh from Jaehyun.

''Teacher! Your cake is so pretty!''

''Why, thank you, Yuna.'' Jaehyun boops her nose with a clean finger.

''You should get an award for having a pretty cake.''

One kid appears. ''My mommy gives me kisses as an award!''

''Me too!''

''Does your mommy gives you kisses too, Teacher?''

What's with these kids and questions about mommies?

''No, she doesn't.''

''Oh no.. is she mad at you?''

Jaehyun giggles. ''She's not. She used to give me kisses but not anymore because I'm a big boy now.''

''Ah, you don't want kisses anymore?''

Thinking he will earn kisses from the little kids if he says no, Jaehyun tells them he loves kisses. Humming, one of them then points a finger.

''Teacher will give you kisses as a reward if your cake is the prettiest!''

Jaehyun follows the path where the kid is pointing at. ''Really?'' His eyes landed on you, still and unmoving. Jaehyun bites his lower lip to stop the laugh rumbling on his chest.

Jaehyun grins. ''Then I should work on making this the prettiest cake ever made.''

You almost choke on your own spit.

Articles after articles, headlines after headlines. Old people gush about how pure your interactions are. Adults nudge each other at how you sweetly stare. Teenagers envies how Jaehyun performs all love language at you. It seems like everything now revolves around the Crown Princess and her lover.

The crowd certainly loves the contrasts between you and Jaehyun whereas you're more carefree and casual while Jaehyun sticks to his formal attitude. One thing that became popular amongst your supporters, or 'shippers', is the picture of you– like the diva that you are– wearing a pink miniskirt, corset top, socks with ribbons on top, mary jane pumps, and a cream loose cardigan sits beside Jaehyun who is dawned in his usual dress shirt, slacks, and blazer. You cannot forget that fanfic you found wherein Jaehyun is a CEO and you're a supermodel. Shippers are imaginative and delusional at the same time.

It's been 2 months since you've started attending events with the prince and it wasn't as hellish as you thought. Maybe because Jaehyun can't cause a problem in public, or maybe he just doesn't find the need to. Nonetheless, that didn't cease the fire that is the prank war. It goes on and on that even Winter finds it hilarious at this point. Who knew the lovely couple searched for a list of pranks to do in their free time so they could piss each other off?

Lately though, you've noticed (actually it was Winter) that your pranks have been getting less harmful to your daily lives and had just become something to enlighten the mood. Like the clown that pops up when you open the fridge and the snake balloon hidden in the tin can. Very uncharacteristically, you even find yourselves posting each other's reactions on your stories. And if Jaehyun created an instagram account just to upload videos and pictures of you, you're not so sure. A thing you're certain though is that the dislike for Jaehyun had faded away and was replaced by something else. Something you're yet to find out.

''A penny for your thoughts?'' A finger snaps you out of your thoughts. Jaehyun grins.

You shake your head and continue looking for the best quality of vegetables as Jaehyun follows you around, pushing your cart. Another thing that you've grown to get used to is doing groceries with Jaehyun. Very domestic, isn't it?

''Can we buy this one?'' Jaehyun points at the packs of big marshmallows.

Frowning, you shake your head. ''What're you gonna need it for? It'll just expired at the cabinet.''

''No, it won't.''

''How so?''

''I'll eat it before you can even say chubby bunny.''

''No, Jeong.''

''But we have a mini chocolate fountain machine at home!''

''Yes, a fountain machine you, may I say–'' You face him. ''–unnecessarily bought. Literally no reason to buy one.''

''Well now I can finally use it and it won't be useless anymore..?''

Tsking, you walk away to look at the meat. In the end, Jaehyun huffs, staring longingly at his marshmallows before tailing you, steps heavy.

After shopping for at most 2 weeks worth of food, you type on your phone while Jaehyun carries all those bags. So much for being a macho man. Winter sends an atrocious idea and forces a laugh out of you.

''What's funny?'' Jaehyun asks like a curious cat, peeking at your phone.

''Winter says we should announce that all of this is fake at the upcoming press conference and film Eunhye's reaction. God, that would be hilarious honestly.''

''Oh..'' And curiosity finally kills the cat. Jaehyun mums. Are you faking it all this time? Are you not enjoying your time with him? Are you faking having fun whenever you're with him, even now?

You are about to ask Jaehyun for the car keys but as someone who spends their entire life under the spotlight, you know a camera when you see one. Pocketing your phone, you stride towards the man at the car beside Jaehyun's. Said man tries to run away but you are quicker with your feet and grab him by his collar, you hear Jaehyun's call of your name.

''What's wro–''

''Give me the phone.''

''Why– what's happeni–''

''Give me the fucking phone!'' Shoving the man to a car, he winces at the pain in his back. When he surrenders his phone, you delete his video and throw it on the ground before stomping on it, crashing it.

Jaehyun calls your name again. ''Why did you do that? Stop, you're choking him.''' Though obviously wanting to calm you down, Jaehyun doesn't touch you anywhere, opting to wash his palm over his face.

You ignore him and focus on the man shivering in your hold. ''Tell me, what the fuck do want?''

''Nothing–''

You dig your forearm deeper to his neck. ''I'm only gonna ask this twice, you fucking twig. What do you want?''

The man struggles to breathe but attempts to answer anyway. ''I–I was.. paid to–'' He wheezes. ''To prove t-that.. Prince Jaehyun isn't what– what he pretends to be.'' The man coughs.

Raising a brow at what you hear, you wrap your hand around his throat and lean closer to his ear. ''Listen here, fucking microphallus. I know this fucker here looks like he's a worldwide known actor but in reality, he can't act for his fucking life. This man doesn't have a fucking future in acting. He can't fake anything, he's too goody shoes. This prince can't do a thing except entertaining the fucking crowd.''

He is genuine and is not pretending in front of the cameras. Is what Jaehyun can hear between your lines.

''So if you're thinking of exposing him and shit– too bad for you, Jeong lives his life by the books.''

Sighing, Jaehyun tugs at your shirt. ''Let's.. let's let him go. He said he was just paid to do it, didn't he?''

Glancing at the prince, you could see the stress on his irritatingly handsome face and annoyingly, you find yourself to hate the foreign emotion on it. Clicking your tongue, you let go of the man but grips his collar again before he can get away. ''Spread misinformations about my fianceé again, you'll be caressing metal bars the next day.''

Jaehyun holds your hand to take it away from the man and fixes his mask. ''Sir, you can send your resumé at the palace and you should be offered a job with monthly payment. Please don't ever damage someone for the sake of quick money. Money wears off in time, but the damage doesn't.''

With that, Jaehyun tugs you away from the scene. During the ride, silence fills the car and as you arrive at the apartment, that's when you realize Jaehyun's hand is still intertwined with you from the moment he holds it until you reach the flat. Why does Jaehyun look like it's the most normal thing? Why is your heart doing the fucking rabbity pumps?

Jaehyun heaves a sigh. ''Damn.. that's actually crazy– I can't even believe it happened. It went by so fast, my brain couldn't process the fact that someone believes I fake my personality and manners in front of the camera. Like–''

You plop to the couch.

''–what did I even do? Did I upset them? Did they say hi to me one time and I didn't say it back? Did they–''

''I punched the guy because I wanted to protect my friend.''

Jaehyun stops arranging the items you bought. ''What–?''

Hugging your knees, you keep your eyes on Jaehyun's. ''It was my friend's birthday and she wanted to celebrate it in this bar, it was called gangbang. Controversial, I know. We were having fun just like we planned to. But a group of guys at the other table starts joining in. We weren't paying attention to them– or at least, I wasn't. But one of my friends starts complaining about how one of the guys 'accidentally' brushes his hand on her ass too many times. Accidental, my ass. No one wants to come forward so I did, being the hero that I am. I talked to the guy calmly and asked what's wrong. Said guy told me my friend was lying but fuck– my friend was this close to crying about it. And then I got pissed at how his friends defends him when the CCTV clearly shows the incident so I fucking punched him and broke his nose.''

''Next thing I know, news outlets reports me getting involved in a brawl and ruining a fucking commoner's nose without including the reason why I did it.'' You scoff. ''Said friend I protected refused a statement and left the country without defending me.''

Jaehyun sits at the carpeted floor, facing you, looking with worry in his eyes. Something in your eyes flashes but disappears before Jaehyun could even determine what it is.

''And the pictures of me sleeping on the streets?''

Jaehyun hums, caressing your hands.

''They told everyone I was so fucking drunk I couldn't even bring myself home and showed videos of me chugging vodkas, whiskeys, beers straight from their bottle. But why didn't they show the part where all those fucking people around me gangs up on me and calls me a fucking pussy, a no fun, and a fucking killjoy. They didn't stop until I agreed on drinking all those fucking liqours.'' You sniffs, you didn't even know when you started tearing up.

''And that video where my bodyguard had to carry me because I wouldn't wake up? The palace was on emergency alert at that time– why? Because alcohol and sleeping pills were mixed inside me. When I tried to explain what happened, no one fucking believed someone slipped me a fucking bunch of sleeping pills– my heartbeat was fucking slowing down and I was over-sedated, Jaehyun. There's no point of telling them the truth when they already decided I was fucking lying. For fuck's sake, I was near to dying that fucking night– god!'' You bury your head in your knees, shoulders shaking as you sob, fist continuously knocking your head hard.

Jaehyun hugs your quivering figure, whispering words that he knows best that'll comfort and calm you. ''I understand you. I believe you. It's okay, love. You're gonna be okay. I'm here, alright? I'm here, love. Everything's gonna be okay.''

Your cries haven't even died down when you look at him. Jaehyun thinks vulnerability was the flickering emotions behind your eyes these past minutes that he failed to catch on.

''Aside from the people who did those shits, Winter is the only one who knows about the truth. Because she's important to me.'' You hiccup, tears streaming down your face. ''Do you get why I'm telling you this, Jeong?''

There's a clue, but Jaehyun doesn't want to get ahead of you. ''..why?''

You chuckle while crying, more tears roll down your cheeks. ''God, you're so fucking stupid, aren't you? Winter is important to me so she knows the truth. I told you the truth because–'' You bow your head down and hold Jaehyun's hands. ''–you're more than just important to me.''

Jaehyun's breath hitches, and the world stops. ''Oh baby..'' He kisses the back of your hands and the top of your head before hugging you tightly.

He attempts to say the words that have been at the tip of his tongue since you decorated cakes with the kids but you cut him off.

''I will hurt you, Jeong, accidentally. I don't communicate. I don't open up. I find it hard to trust people easily despite sharing a close bond with them. I curse more than I say affectionate and loving words. I push away more than I pull. I'm violent. I am broken, I'm a mess.''

Jaehyun smiles, so handsomely it makes your heart ache. ''You don't communicate and open up? That's fine, I can read between your lines. You find it hard to trust people? That's alright, trusts are earned, not bought. You curse more than being lovey dovey? Well, I'm lovey dovey more than cursing. You push more than you pull? Isn't it great that I'm the exact opposite. You're violent? I could do the talking, you could do the punching. You're broken? I will patch you up again and again. You're a mess? So what, you're a beautiful kind of mess. And if you hurt me and wound my heart.. well then– Sorry, Heart.''

Right there and then, the faceless man that you saw at the bar and had a crush on morphs with Jaehyun's. You chuckle. ''Fate is playing with us, isn't it?''

Jaehyun cradles your face. ''And I'm glad it did. Because I met you.''

''You're such a sap.''

''Oh shush, you love it.''

''Maybe, maybe not.''

''Pfft, wait– does this mean we stop the pranks now?''

''Do what the hell you want, but you'll continuing to be pissed off first thing in the morning.''

Operation: Stop the wedding! Step 3, fall in love with your soon-to-be-groom.

A shudder electrifies the fibers of your body as Jaehyun spreads the cold juices of peaches along the lines of your collarbone, his tongue dips in next, easing to freezing temperature with his warmth. He sucks where the sticky liquid lays previously, his cravings of sweetness beaming in glee as the flavor slowly seeps in him.

Your breath heavy, hands moving to caress your boyfriend's blond strands as his kisses travel to your breasts. The flesh of the fruit circles your nipples before Jaehyun dives in, sucking the hard nubs all the while fondling and playing with the other. Quiet moans of pleasure finally escape your lips after minutes of holding back, your head lolls back and your eyes close shut, sighing from the pleasure slowly building up. Slurping sounds bounces off the four walls of your shared bedroom, it's so obscene that anyone who could hear it could certainly feel how hungry Jaehyun is for the mixture of the peach's sweetness and the bits of saltiness coming from your sweat. It's disgusting to think but Jaehyun's cock gets only harder with each taste.

The surface of his hand palms your clothed core, thumbing where he's sure your clit settles and gives the area a slight pressure, he makes circles around the button that elicits a series of whimpers from you.

Fuck. How he wishes to see this image of you everytime. Your glossy eyes, puckered swollen slips, and whole face scrunched up as your body shivers in his hold, back arching as pleas of having him inside you draws out. 

Break me, wreck me, ruin me. Those are everything your body screams. 

Oh, he will ruin you, alright.

Jaehyun rips the remaining pieces of clothing off of you, gripping your legs apart, wide and open just for him. The way your pussy glistens under the dim lights of the room, the prince's lust fuels up until he could no longer bear the desire of devouring you. 

His mouth, his tongue, his body, his mind -- screams for your taste, it craves the feeling of you thrashing against his embrace as you fall apart. And Jaehyun.. he's just a man. One who could only do much to control himself from drowning his face in the sea of tempting your slick.

''Ooh, Jaehyun, please..'''

From the alley your legs created, you are able to see Jaehyun's face and how his brow quirks in question to your plea. He's so fucking cruel, unlike the gentleman and polite prince everyone in your country had loved since the beginning. If they only know.

The pad of his tongue follows the traces of your juice, squeezing the last bits of the peach and lets it trickle down on your pussy. Dipping the tip of his tongue, he wiggles it until he's deep inside your warm tight walls, clenching on his muscle as he fucks you with it.

''Jaehyun–! Fuck!''

Your hips jerks upwards, practically offering your core to Jaehyun's face. That, Jaehyun accepts. Gripping each thigh, he pins you to the bed as he sucks, licks, and devours more than you offer.

Jaehyun's fingers join his tongue, squelches emitting from your soaked pussy as Jaehyun's digits continuously penetrate it. By the time Jaehyun is about to add the fourth finger, he sees your eyes rolling and notices the constant clenches of your walls– a telltale sign of your climax. And Jaehyun isn't Jaehyun if not a bastard in bed.

He pulls away before walking away to fetch something, all the while unbuckling his belt and unzipping his pants. Jaehyun reaches the foot of your bed, he tugs his pants and boxers down, revealing a girthy and lengthy dick with an angry tip.

Jaehyun pumps his cock, staring at your sore pussy and fucked out face. Your breathlessness is music to his ears.

''Jaehyun, please..''

''Please?''

You open your legs wider, hands dipping between your legs to spread the cheeks of your pussy. ''It's all yours. Please, fuck me.''

''Fucking hell..'' Jaehyun nudges your legs open as you both moan in unison as his cock pushes past your entrance, veins rubbing against the tight velvet walls. Jaehyun plans to wait for you to adjust, but you shake your head. He smirks, and starts fucking.

''My girl is getting brave, huh? Let's how much you can fucking take.''

God, this is why you love Jaehyun in bed. This is the only time you hear him curse, be rough, and manhandle you in positions you didn't even know you're capable of doing.

You ask for it hard, and Jaehyun gives it every time. Wrapping his hand under your knee, he folds your body until it touches your chest as Jaehyun slides deeper, reaching deep inside you that a bump appears every now and then on your stomach.

''Fuck– do you see that, baby? Look at your stomach, shit, it's bulging. Am I too big for your tight pussy, baby?''

Jaehyun pins you against the headboard with his weight as drools escape the corners of your lips, dribbling down your neck. You grip the top of the headboard for support.

''Ah ah ah! S-so good.. so good!''

Jaehyun chuckles lowly. ''Does it, baby? Tell me what makes you feel good.''

''Y–your big–big cock! Fuck, i-it's so, haahh, so big!''

''That's right. My big fat cock is making my girl feel so good; she can't even construct a proper sentence. Do you know how that makes me fucking feel, baby? I feel like a fucking king, you know. Crown Princess, fucking feisty and always hissing at everyone, crumbling down at the feeling of my cock at her guts.''

Jaehyun plows into you deliciously, white spots showing themselves at different parts of your vision as pleasure takes over your body. ''You're so fucking tight, baby. You're choking me.''

Yelping, you hold onto Jaehyun as he withdraws from your pussy, carrying you as he transfers you to the glass window near the bed, pushing you against it before he starts pounding vigorously once again, teeth sinking to break your skin, lapping the droplets of blood. Lewd moans knock out of your throat. Seeing your reflection from the window, you're reminded of those pornos you've watched as a curious teen.

''Jaehyun– uh, uh, Jaehyun! You're gonna make me come!''

''Then come. Come for me, darling.''

You white out, shuddering in Jaehyun's hold as you clamp down on his cock, white ring appearing around his length. Jaehyun buries his head in the crook of your neck as he chases his own high, groaning as he finally reaches it, pulling out to finish himself on your back.

As a minute passes, you both regain the air your lungs have been desperately needing. Jaehyun makes you face him and kisses your lips full of gentleness, so in contrast to the rough pounding earlier.

And of course, Jaehyun isn't Jaehyun if not a sap after sex.

''I love you so much, baby.''

You snort. ''I do too, idiot. Now clean me up.''

Operation: Stop the wedding! Step 4, abort mission.

Come morning, the sunlight seeps through the curtains and shines on your bed beautifully. Jaehyun wakes up, his day already made at the sight of you sleeping peacefully in his arms. You look adorable, like you couldn't harm a fly. You wouldn't if said fly doesn't harm any of your loved ones.

God, Jaehyun is so fucking in love with you. You smile, his day is made. You breathe, suddenly the weather is perfect. You exist, Jaehyun finds every reason to live. You are the water that keeps Jaehyun tethered.

''What the fuck do you want, Jeong?''

The prince chuckles. 8am in the morning and you're already so grumpy. It confuses a few staff members how Jaehyun fell in love with you. If he won't get in trouble, he'll tell them you're a witch and make him drink some irreversible love potion or what.

''Nothing. You're pretty.''

''... Shut up. Just because you look fucking good in the morning.''

''Thank you, baby. I love you.''

''Ugh, you're too in love with me.''

Jaehyun giggles. ''I am. Will you marry me?''

You stop yawning and look at him as though he grew a second head (or third..?). ''The fuck did you say?''

''Will you marry me, baby?''

You scoff. ''Ask that again if you have a ring to out around me.'' The words are mumbled but Jaehyun manages to hear it.

''What?''

''I said your breath stinks, Jeong.''

Shaking his head in disbelief, Jaehyun laughs deeply, caused by his morning voice. You find that hot but you won't te him because he'll use it against you everytime.

Jaehyun reaches for something behind him, inside the drawer, and faces you again. There you see a small red box on his palm, Jaehyun opens it and reveals the ring you've once mentioned to be your dream ring. Wordlessly, he slips the ring on your finger after taking off the fake one.

''But we're already engaged though.''

''Eh.. that was fake, baby. This one's real.''

You raise a brow. ''I haven't even said yes.''

''You'll say no to me?''

''Pfft, you're getting too cocky. I don't like that.''

''Hmm, sure, love.'' Jaehyun smiles warmly and takes you in his arms again. You bury your head in his chest.

''Jeong,''

Jaehyun hums.

''I hate you for making me feel this way.''

Jaehyun settles his hands on the sides of your face and caresses your cheeks with his thumbs. ''I love you too, witch.''

''Psst,''

''What now, baby?''

''I love you, Jaehyun.''

Operation: Stop the wedding! Step 5 and the last step, be in love and marry each other for real.

[fashion-runways]

okay it's been over a year and i keep saying i'm going to make a new post and it's too exhausting to even think about the whole thing so i keep pushing it-- here's the link to the old post if you want a more detailed thing i wrote back then.

anyway, a year ago, out of the blue, our apartment got raided by the police, they broke our front door, they broke a bunch of shit inside, they took a bunch of our stuff, they barely gave us answers or an explanation, they took my dad and made it seem like he would have to sign some stuff and answer some questions and come back, but it's been over a year (since june 2022) and he hasn't come back, and his case is still up in the air. they're barely working on it. they didn't pay for all the shit they broke, they haven't returned all the shit they took, we had to spend a lot of money on that, i had to take a loan to buy a new computer so i could keep working and studying, on top of spending even more money on basic needs for my dad in jail and lawyers, plus blood pressure and anxiety medications, plus he's old and he was scheduled an eye surgery that he obviously couldn't go to so he's like, practically blind in one eye now, also new clothes for him to wear there (there's a bunch of rules for that), honestly i already lost track of how many things we had to pay for. it's been incredibly stressful and it still is even now that we've gotten used to it. he's been detained for a year for something that they still don't even know if he did and the case is barely moving, i don't know if they're like... i don't know, waiting for the man to die in there since he's already old so they don't have to admit they don't have enough proof for all the mess they made? i don't know. like i said back then, please don't ask me for details on the case or show up in my inbox trying to play tiktok true crime and guess what he did/didn't do. it happened a few times and it's extremely triggering, please don't. please.

this blog is basically my job. it's my primary source of income, i don't have anything else, no matter how many interviews i go to, in the country/city i live and in the state our economy is, if you don't have contacts it's impossible to get a job. i'm always signing up to free programs to learn new things while i don't have a job, try to make my cv bigger, but it doesn't matter. if you don't have someone saying “please hire my friend/family member” or you don't have 500 years of experience, they won't. so like i said, donations people make to this blog are how me and my mom (and my pets) stay afloat. it's what we use to pay for food, general groceries, transportation, electricity, wifi, water, gas, health insurance, stuff for my dad in jail, meds for my mom who has diabetes, food and meds for my pets. i don't go out much, i haven't gotten a haircut in a year, i barely spend money in anything that makes me happy except once in a blue moon when i stop feeling guilty lmao i had a redbubble account also that helped a little too, but last week it got suspended without an explanation as i was uploading new designs, so i don't even have that now. i made a new account on teepublic, but all my designs in high quality are locked behind redbubble and i can't even log into because of the suspension. it's... complicated, and it's a lot, but it is what it is.

i'm always keeping an eye out on new collections, new designers, new cool things. like i said, i love fashion, i studied fashion, and i know a lot of you use this blog as inspiration whether it's for yourselves or for your art, so i don't want to post all similar stuff all the time, i want to post all kinds of styles and brands as much as i can. which is why when i say if you like this blog, if you want to support me, sending even the smallest amount of money helps me keep going. living in latin america, the exchange rate is kind of insane, so truly any amount of money donated helps. unfortunately, i never stop needing money to survive and help keep my family afloat, but in the past year more than ever.

as usual, my kofi link is this one: https://ko-fi.com/fashionrunways and my (new) teepublic link is this one: https://www.teepublic.com/user/dinah-lance. if my redbubble account gets reinstated, i'll add that link eventually too. and as always, thanks for loving this blog and for loving fashion like i love fashion, even when i post crazy looking stuff, and thanks for helping. you have no idea how much your support helps, but it really does, i don't even know if i'd be alive right now if it wasn't for this blog.

[perdidosbucky-yyo]

𝓡𝓸𝓼𝓪

Part🥀

Main Masterlist

Pairing: Best Friend!Steve Rogers x Plus size! Fem!Reader (no mention of ethnicity)

Summary: Trapped in a prison of your husband and your mother’s expectations, your only comfort is the ghost in your garden, haunted by the memory of your best friend.

You thought you would never see him again but when he unexpectedly returns home from the war after 12 years, you’re not prepared for what’s to come.

wc: 6k

Warnings: Feminism doesn’t exist in this fic,  the story is set between 1950-1965, fertility issues, detailed mention of miscarriage, body shaming (not from Steve), implied boner and handjob, violence, terms of endearment (I got carried away jsjs), detailed sexual abuse attempt (not from Steve), domestic violence, flashbacks and small time jumps (I hope it’s not confusing lmao), changing POVs (again, I hope it’s not confusing lmao), please let me know if I missed anything! more warnings to be added in part II.

a/n: This is my entry to @witchywithwhiskey 's Slasher Summer writing challenge, with the prompts: small town and stalker. I've poured my heart and soul into this fic, I had so many ideas I had to cut the fic in half so part two will be posted next week (but it won't be part of the wc given that it ends today hehe) I hope you like it 👉🏼👈🏼

This is not beta'd any and all mistakes are my own.

“Move” your mother reprimanded.

You wanted to, you did, but your body wouldn’t listen, your chest was so heavy you felt trapped under the covers.

The sky was so blue, it reminded you of the blue puppies you once had in the garden. You cried all night when you came home from a trip to find them wilted and forgotten by your husband, they were the same shade as those eyes… every time you tended to them, it was like he was looking at you.

“Speak! Do something!” she hissed, the blue sundown behind her, tainted the room slate, and her black eyes became even darker. You noticed as she screamed in your face that her breath smelled of cigarettes, normally you’d be cowering in fear or trying to appease her but you remained frozen not even blinking.

Letting out a snort she wipes the sweat off your forehead with a cloth, “Look at yourself”, the woman grimaced, did you truly look so ghastly? 

You wished she would just leave you, your mother was a busy woman, she had other things to do than take care of you… you hate to bother her.

“if you get any bigger people will know”, you vaguely hear her words,  you tried to care but the sky was so beautiful, so peaceful, something you appreciated given your current state. Your whole body ached and nausea kept you awake every night, you were exhausted, and yet sleep never came.

“You reap what you sow darling, you must've done something to dese- You should be thanking God John hasn’t left you yet! he won’t put up with this for long, he wants a wife, not this” Her hand points to you in bed with a scowl on her lips.

Tears start streaming down your face, you wish the shadows in your room swallowed you. As saliva gathers in your tongue you feel like you’re about to throw up but your body still wouldn’t move. 

She’s still rambling on about your failures as a woman, pacing around the room, so you take a frame from under your pillow, it was a photo of him and you.

Sophomore year, both of you sat on a bench just outside of your high school, he looked so handsome, you remember it well. Right after fall break, he wore a wool waistcoat that was much bigger for his skinny figure, and his hair was perfectly combed.

Both of you smiled from ear to ear, he was hunched over while you sat up straight with your knees resting on his.

It felt like it was a lifetime ago, instead of 12 years, you didn’t particularly enjoy high school, but Steve Rogers made it memorable.

Once upon a time you lived in the same neighborhood since you were 8 years old, the first time you saw him he was having an asthma attack as he crashed his bike into some trash cans. You ran to his side and quickly introduced yourself, his scrawny hand shook yours back before you took the white ribbon from your dress and pressed it against his bleeding forehead.

He instinctively reached for his head and your fingers grazed him for just a second, eyes so focused on yours, you realized he was scared, so your other hand reached to comfort him… sometimes you think you’ve held hands ever since, and neither of you could let go.

You couldn’t be separated even if your parents threatened and bargained, inseparable would be an understatement. After the accident, Steve found a kindred spirit and comfort in your friendship, while you discovered fierce loyalty and kindness. 

It was strange that, at such a young age you felt drawn to Steve, and you knew he did too, as children it only made you want to spend every second of every day together.

You’d spend summers, riding your bikes all over town despite your mother’s scorn, listening to Billie Holiday records in Grandma Rogers’ dusty old house, reading in the library until it closed, playing tag in his living room while his mother baked in the kitchen, hiding in his basement every time your dad picked you up. 

When the days you spent together weren’t enough, you begged for sleepovers, your sister had them all the time after all, but your mother thought it improper for a boy to sleep over, so eventually, you fashioned a sheet rope for Steve to climb once everyone had gone to bed, and then he’d sleep by your side.

Some nights you’d whisper what you imagined the past was like, both of you were passionate about history, sometimes Steve would caress your hair while you sobbed into his shoulder, cursing to hell all belts, but most nights you would stay silent, holding hands until you fell asleep, once the sun was up, Steve’s side of the bed was always empty.

This went on for years, even in high school, your love for each other only grew, despite the silly arguments like you spending more time studying than with Steve, or him always getting a black eye never knowing when to stand down. 

The both of you knew this was forever, and there was nothing you could do or say that would make either of you leave.

You tried getting out of his hold, squirming and pushing, if it were anyone else you’d be suffocated, “G-osh Stevie for someone so lean, you sure are strong” you huffed and puffed.

“If my mother finds us cuddling she’ll never let you see me again” You laughed, but you weren’t kidding, young ladies were never to engage in inappropriate behavior with boys your mother would always tell you.

“Yeah, I’d like to see her try” Steve grunted, almost possessively, his arms only squeezing you further into his chest, you couldn’t breathe but it wasn’t because of his bruising hold, chills went down your spine, and butterflies flew in your stomach.

You chose to ignore his comment and what it made you feel, “We have to go soon, Bucky won’t wait for us forever and he’s our ride”, finally you felt Steve’s arms relax but his hands remained on your back, rubbing it.

Catching him off guard, you free yourself and jump out of bed, quickly running to your mirror to check if your hair still looks good and to your relief it does. As you turn back you catch a glimpse of him adjusting his pants which makes your cheeks burn hot, you didn’t understand why that made you proud, and it isn’t the first time it’s happened, but Steve reassured you it was normal…

You weren’t brave enough to ask him if it was normal that you wanted to touch it.

As you walk out to your porch, Steve’s hand reaches for yours, “Promise you won’t stray too far from me, God knows what kind of people Tony invites to his parties”, his eyes search yours for something, you don’t know what, so you nod while your thumb caressed his knuckles, Bucky was already on your driveway honking the horn without any regard for your neighbors. 

“You’re lucky my parents are out of town Barnes!” you laugh as Steve opens the door for you, once everyone has their seat belts on, per your request, you head to Stark Manor.

After a short drive, you enter Tony Stark's ancestral home, it seems like the whole high school was invited. You never liked parties all that much, and neither did Steve but you thought socializing with other people besides each other would do you good, your mother insisted on it.

Swallowing a nervous gulp, you instinctively reached for Steve’s hand, just for a few seconds but then Peggy Carter jumped into his arms with a red smile and an even more gorgeous red dress that hugged her figure perfectly.

She was an exchange student, she was relatively new to the school but she quickly befriended your little group of friends, with her London charm and wit.

Your heart sank to your stomach and a knot formed in your throat when you saw his hands on her sides. Why were you jealous? he’s your friend you had to remind yourself, Steve couldn’t always be by your side, you knew this… and yet you couldn’t help the sickness brewing deep in your stomach when Peggy’s hands roamed all over Steve.

It was obvious Peggy liked him, but Steve’s reluctance to take her hand gave you a moment of relief, but then he was gone, lost in the sea of people. You hugged yourself as you considered asking Bucky to take you back home, but he already had his tongue down Dot’s throat.

Against your better judgment and Steve’s warnings, you found yourself in the bar, admiring all the bottles of liquor that came in different shapes and sizes, the one called Unicum caught your attention but as soon as you smelled it, you put it away.

“Not a fan I take it?” a voice comes from behind, following it, you find the host himself wearing a black turtle neck along with a blazer that hugs him just right, his brown eyes slowly studying you while he takes a sip of his drink.

Putting back the bottle, you chastised yourself for picking it up in the first place, “I’m sorry, this is expensive, I shouldn’t have touched it, I’m- I’m sorry” you sputtered.

You were nervous, but you realized you liked the attention, Tony was every girl’s dreamboat and the fact that his eyes were so focused on your body was thrilling.

With a sly smirk, he walks closer to you, “Don’t you worry Honeybun, that’s my father’s drink, break the damn thing if you want” he chuckled, “You’re Rogers’ little pet, aren’t you? he leave you all alone?”, he sounded a little drunk already.

Before you could get mad at his nickname, his arm wrapped itself around your waist “I think you’re a sweet-tooth Honeybun, you’re going to love Grasshoppers” he stated, without giving you a chance to refuse.

You were delighted to find out you did love the creamy drink, and after a few of them, Tony started to be less annoying to you, and if you squinted you could pretend he looked like Tony Curtis.

You missed Steve, where is he?

As Tony dragged you to the dance floor, squished between the crowd of drunk classmates, you started to feel suffocated and Tony’s grip on your wrist was starting to hurt, but your head was so fuzzy, and the room was so loud, he probably couldn’t even hear your protest.

Tony finally stops, his hands wander down your back until they’re on your waist, and his fingers dig into your dress, making your heart skip a beat, as he starts swaying you, Steve emerges from the sea of dancing silhouettes.

His smile of relief drops when he sees another man’s hands around your waist, you almost push Tony away in response, but you just put on your best smile.

 “H- Hey I’ve been looking all over for you”, Steve says, his tone is friendly but his eyes darken when Tony pulls you closer to him, making you trip a little, you didn’t have your wits about you, and Steve notices.

“Baby I need to get you home” he almost pleaded, you’re shocked he called you the nickname he only used when you’re alone, his perfect blue eyes had… longing in them? that couldn’t be right, especially when you discover the mark of red lips on his cheek, making your blood boil.

“I don’t want to leave Steve, I’m- I’m having fun with… T-Tony”, you tried to sound unyielding but you could feel the tension rise between the two men, you were never good with confrontation.

“You heard her little man, you shouldn’t have left her all alone if you didn’t want someone to steal her from you”, Tony says matter-of-factly.

Your best friend looks stoic, not moving a muscle, he looks intimidating despite Tony being much taller than him. He’s one step away from invading Tony’s space, but you’re quick to place your hand on his chest, and you immediately feel him relax, his eyes soften too when he turns to you.

“Go back to Peggy, I’m sure she’s waiting for you” is all you say with a wavering smile.

His hand wants to reach for you but all he does is nod before he disappears into the crowd, you’re a little disappointed. The rest of the night is eternal, your feet grow sore, and you had your 4th grasshopper a minute ago so your mind is comfortably numb, but every time Tony gropes your hips, or his fingers trace your cheeks, you feel guilt deep in your stomach, and to your dismay the party only seems to intensify.

As you slow danced you tried to ignore how dizzy you felt, but when the song ended you couldn’t help but let your weight fall into Tony’s arms, he just laughed and reaffirmed his hold on you “C’mon Honeybun don’t tell me you’re sleepy, night’s young! I want to show you something”.

You felt him move you before you could even respond, “Wh-where are we going Steve?” you slurred, not realizing you called him by another name, your question was met with silence, Tony just kept on pulling you across the grand hall.

“I want to show you the pretty flowers in the garden Honeybun, no one will bother us” his smile was wide but it did nothing to ease you, he shushed you while you tried to voice your thoughts.

You felt watched… the night breeze flew by your dress and your skin prickled, but it wasn’t because of the night chill. You were too busy admiring the pastoral landscape to worry, your eyes followed the tree-lined path up to a beautiful pond, with pink roses everywhere, but before you could take a step forward, you were being pushed up against a stone wall.

“Ow! Tony what-” His lips crushed yours before you could finish your sentence, he tasted bitter and unwanted, you tried pushing him away but you were weak, the alcohol in you like heavy chains around your arms and legs.

“Don’t you wanna make me feel good Honeybun?” he slurred in your ear, your stomach filled with dread, you almost gagged, “please stop” you begged, but his hand brutishly covered your mouth “Shut up” he spat while his assault continued down your neck, you could hear his belt coming off and alarms went off in your head, a scared whimper managed to escape his hand.

The party was roaring inside, and the music was muffled by the stone walls, you were sure no one would hear your screams, you sobbed at the realization. You were about to accept your fate but then Tony’s thrown back by the neck and into the dirt, it was Steve! 

Before you could react he was already on top of Tony pummeling him without compassion, animalistic grunts escaping his lips as his knuckles bloodied themselves.

“You don’t fucking touch her!” Steve growled, “You’re going to wish you were dead you piece of shit”, the hits kept coming, and you couldn’t stop watching, it was horrifying watching your best friend become this violent, controlled by his dark impulses, but a small part of you, a part of you that you wouldn’t acknowledge felt satisfaction, pride even…

Tony had been unconscious for a minute now and Steve wouldn’t stop, you were surprised he wasn’t having an asthma attack by now, the sickening sound of his fist meeting beaten flesh brought you out of your thoughts, you quickly ran to Steve to make him stop.

You grabbed his bloody fist in the air “Steve stop, you’re going to kill him” you cried, both of you heaving, you sensed Steve was making an effort to hold back, the blue in his eyes was almost gone, with only rage in them, “He should be six feet under just for putting his hands on you” he gruffed, you didn’t know how to respond so you only nodded, taking his hands in yours, and placing a gentle kiss on his knuckles.

Seeing your blood-stained lips made him feel unlike anything he’d ever felt before, a sense of ownership pleasantly lingered, but as he searched to see if you were harmed, your tear-streaked face made him move off Tony, and take you in his arms, the warmth radiating from him finally calmed you enough to let yourself feel the terror of what could’ve happened to you.

You let it all out onto Steve’s shoulder like you’ve done countless times before… except this was different, you’ve always felt safe with Steve, but after tonight, you also felt protected.

“I won’t let anybody touch you again baby” he lulls, your arms wrap around his neck and instinctively you rub off on his chest, needing to be as close to him as possible, his scent already soothing your soul.

“I promise”, he whispers in your ear and kisses your temple with such tenderness you barely feel his lips… everything is going to be ok.

Kiss me once, then kiss me twice,

then kiss me once again 

It’s been a long, long time 

Haven’t felt like this, my dear since I

can’t remember when

It’s been a long, long time 

          ♫ ♪

“He’s back in town” Peggy repeats after you remained silent for an awkward amount of time, you just couldn’t stop replaying this one song in your head…

“Did you even hear what I said?” Peggy’s annoyance startles you, making you drop the cup of tea you were nursing.

She rolls her eyes at you, while she grabs a dishtowel to wipe the spilled liquid, “Steve Rogers is back” she deadpans, carefully observing your reaction.

“So sad Sarah isn’t here to welcome him back home” you whispered, tears threatening to spill at the memory of the woman who took care of you for so long, far more tender than your mother ever was to you.

“Honorably discharged” she continued, probably not even hearing your comment “They even made him a Captain, can you imagine? I-”.

She keeps on talking but it’s all muffled noise to your ears, your mind running a million miles per hour. 

Would you give him a call? 

how much can war change a man? 

would he call you? 

what would you say if you bumped into each other at the supermarket? God, John doesn’t even know about him.

Knowing Steve was home rekindled the heartache you managed to bury in the back of your mind every single day, it took everything in you not to start crying every time you remembered his broken promise, but you learned a long time ago that it was best to keep your emotions under lock and key.

The sound of running water finally distracted you from your consuming thoughts, “Hon are you sure you’re up for visitors?” Peggy sings with faux concern as she does the dishes, “I know you’re still not over the incident but I have to agree with your mother, you need to try harder, this is not normal, when I was preg-”

Willing yourself not to throw the porcelain cup at her head, you grinned, “Maybe we’ll see Steve at the reunion, I’m sure he’ll be thrilled to see you Peggy”, you sassed behind your stiff smile, but of course, she didn’t notice. Her reaction only confirmed what you suspected, like a little girl her ears perked up and her cheeks turned bright red “It’ll be so good to see everyone again” Peggy tried to conceal her excitement.

“I’m sure your husband will enjoy seeing everyone too” you reminded her, too tired to play nice with her.

Peggy’s eyes widen “You see, I don’t think Tony will be able to attend… you know how he is, always work work work” she laughs nervously.

You know better than that, Tony Stark was a sleazy drunk, you knew it since that night back in high school, but as the years passed, Tony’s attempts to hide his transgressions were feeble, by now the whole town knew every time he went away for business to New York City, he was on a bender gambling, drinking and sowing his wild oats, but Tony’s wealth and power always kept him out of trouble.

“Of course, I’m sure he’ll be back from his business trip just in time for the reunion” You pleasantly smiled before getting up and cutting up a piece of pink azalea cake for her to take back home, far, far away from you.

Once Peggy’s gone you start your chores, it was always the same, wash John’s clothes and press them, hang them by the door for the next day, then clean the windows, wash the curtains, scrub the floors until they’re shining, and never mop, last time you did your husband almost burned your books. Dust his trophy cabinet, sweep the garage, and finally make dinner and keep it in the oven so it’s warm when your husband comes home.

After finishing everything up to John’s liking, you always end up in your garden, the joy of your life besides a good book.

Your garden wasn’t grand or exotic like the other housewives’ gardens, Peggy would often say it was dull or pitiful or both, but in your eyes, it was precious and full of life. 

From hybrid phlox, peonies, and hydrangeas to blue holly bushes, you took care of them with love and tenderness, your garden was your comfort in your darkest days, sometimes the only thing you looked forward to in your day.

But your roses… they were your most prized possession, every day without fail you tended to them, making sure they were safe and felt cared for, sometimes you would even sing to them, your roses were your babies, you could never forsake them like he did you.

You cried as you fertilized the earth for your youngling, your tears fell on the little sprout right next to the other roses, now in full bloom. 

Your mind wandered 9 years back to when you first married John. You couldn’t fight your mother any longer, for years you rejected any suitor she brought, doctors, lawyers, professors, none of them compared to the one person you truly loved. Despite your mother’s constant denial, you hoped Steve would safely return and finally admit the feelings you knew he had for you, and take you far away… 

But it was a silly fantasy, he never wrote, not once since you said goodbye that September night, so long ago, you hated him for it, you never understood why he abandoned you like that, you only knew he was alive because of the letters he sent to his mother, but his beautiful eyes haunted you at night, and when you didn’t dream of him you resented him for it.

Then your mother arranged a date with John Walker, he was young, easy on the eyes, and set to inherit his grandfather’s sugar company which was said to be a very wealthy prospect. He wasn't particularly sweet or charming but his easy-going smile helped you ease your nerves.

The first thing he did when he saw you was take your hand and plant a kiss on your knuckles, he was sturdy and his posture was always rigid, but he had this suave confidence that made you think he owned the entire world.

He offered stability and comfort when you needed it the most, so you forced yourself to love him, you told yourself that he would be a good husband despite not knowing his faults or even his traits,... Steve wasn't coming back, so you decided to trust your mother's judgment.

The first year of your marriage you came to accept the fact that as hard as you tried, you would never feel the same way for your husband as you did for your best friend, but life with John had become comfortably dull. 

You never thought your life would turn like it did… 

As you adapted to married life, you found out John’s easy going smile was a facade, he was strict and expected certain things of you. To please him in every possible aspect, that was a wife's duty after all, he'd turn mean and a brute if you failed in your duties but if you followed the rules, he would leave you be to read your books and tend to the garden. You learned the hard way if he came home to find his clothes wrinkly or God forbid the floors mopped instead of scrubbed, you would suffer the consequences.. 

Eventually, you learned to appease his ego and keep your head down, your days went out painfully slow, and you would dread every time the hands of the clock slowly approached the time of his return, each day you wondered what new insult John had prepared to make you feel inadequate. 

Thinking his temper would placate once you carried his child was naive, you realize that now. The first time you got pregnant you were ecstatic to love someone with your whole heart and soul, and for your love to be returned, but soon there was nothing to tell.

It was difficult to keep it a secret from your husband, like your mother, he crushed you under his expectations, the weight of them almost unbearable, and both, always made sure you knew the disappointment that you were.

But missing his smell, the comfort he provided, missing Steve was the most painful.

Tonight was your high school reunion and you couldn’t stop pacing around the living room, it was almost time to leave and you were still waiting for John to come home and change. Given that it was summer, the nights were hotter so you wore a sleeveless, wide-skirt baby-pink dress, adorned with white lace, pearl earrings, and white gloves as the finishing touch.

You were about to call his office when you heard the car park in the driveway. Too anxious to wait for him, you ran outside ready to greet him with a scotch, “Welcome home dear, please hurry, I left your clothes on the bed. If we leave in five minutes no one will noti-”

John slams the car door before you can finish your sentence, “We’re not going” is all he says without sparing you a look, taking the scotch from your hand and drinking it in one gulp.

“Please John, don’t be like this” you protested, “you said we could-”

“For fucks sake!” your husband snapped, his hand hit the hood of his black Chevrolet Impala, making you jump scared, he treated that car like his baby… the alarms in your head cautioned you to choose your words carefully.

“J-John please, be reasonable, let’s go inside I’ll make you another drink” you pleaded, afraid the neighbors would hear you arguing, the street was busy with kids riding their bikes and people coming in and out of their homes.

“You don’t tell me what to do!” he barked out your name like an insult, his body shaking with anger he had to clench his fists, he took a step forward and you recoiled, making him huff in offense.

He took your wrist with force and jerked you towards him, making you tumble on your heels, “Stop being so dramatic” he reprimanded. You didn’t mean to upset him but you didn’t want to go alone, you couldn’t! John had promised weeks ago he would go.

“I fired over 50 of my best workers because they thought they could do whatever they wanted, I will teach you a fucking lesson too if you keep pushing me” he threatened with malice, tears threatened to spill, you didn’t want to look at him but his hand forced your chin up.

You instinctively shook your head, too afraid to even speak, that only fed his ego and in a second he was dragging you through the pavement and into the house, a sick smile displayed on his face. 

“John you’re hurting me” you panicked, holding onto his arms for some support, as he kicked the door close, he dropped you on the carpet of the living room, you almost hit your head against the tube.

Your husband’s chest heaves above you and before he can touch you again you quickly get on your knees with your head looking up, trying your hardest to make eye contact with the man you feared “I’m sorry!” you repeated over and over, the knot in your throat making it painful to speak.

After a long silence, you see his features relax, you’re flabbergasted by his swift change of attitude, his smile slowly widens and you flinch when his fingers wipe a single tear “That’s what I like to hear Sugar”. 

“You know what I think?” he continued,  “You should be at home trying to get pregnant and start our family instead of running off to a party and see some moron you used to be friends with”.

Nausea overwhelmed you at his implication but your mind spun at the mention of Steve, how on earth did he know about him?! Maybe you weren’t as discreet as you thought.

A stabbing pain on your wrist interrupted your thoughts and you reached for it, John comically pouts “I’m so sorry Sugar, work was just so stressful” he sighed while helping you stand up, your scrapped knees shake as you find your balance. You couldn’t be in the same room as him anymore, but your body wouldn’t move, he didn’t like it when you refused to look at him, so he tilted your chin up.

“Tell you what, I’ll let you go to this thing… I know Tony and Peggy will keep an eye on you”, he grinned, pulled you close to him and kissed your forehead, making your body tense.

You desperately wanted to push him off of you, and you almost did, but it wasn’t a good idea to piss him off further, after tonight, you weren’t sure how far your husband’s cruelty could go. 

“I need to call Peggy” stated, your voice meek, too afraid he would change his mind, “so they can come to pick me up” you clarify, taking John’s silence as your cue, you took a hesitant step back, and briskly walked to the phone in the kitchen, thankful you had some space from him.

After the 5th ring, Peggy finally picked up and without getting into the details, you explained to her why you needed a ride to the reunion, to which she reluctantly agreed. As you waited, you cleaned the scrapes on your knees, if you put on stockings no one would notice, you quickly re-did your makeup and hair, and It wasn’t more than 15 minutes when you heard Peggy’s tootle.

You were almost out the door when John called your name, clearly asserting once more his power over you, letting out a shuddery breath, you turned to face him with your chin held high. 

“Get me a beer” he commanded, too entranced with the boob tube to even bother looking at you, the room went quiet and all you could hear was your heart beating in your ears, you knew what he wanted from you. You wondered if you would ever be free of his torment, but the weight of your wedding ring reminded you of your vows…

Till death do us part.

So you plastered on a graceful smile, walked to the kitchen and returned with an opened can to place in his hand, with a smug smirk, he pats your ass, “off you go” he dismissed, and you promptly did.

The ride to the school was silent, Peggy didn’t question your vacant stare or why you kept rubbing your wrist, her mood seemed sour and you had no intention of untwisting that ball of yarn she called a brain.

As you walked in, you barely recognized the halls you used to walk every day, you remember Steve struggling to open his locker, Bucky flirting with anyone who wore a skirt, skipping Gym class so Steve wouldn’t be all alone in detention.

As you walked into the gym, you admired the decorations, balloons scattered all over the floor, red and pink confetti cascading down on everyone, glimmering under the soft light. You recognized some people but there was so much people, you weren’t even sure you went to class with some of them, the party was in full swing, and people danced as the band played your favorite song.

Never thought that you would be 

Standing here so close to me 

There’s so much I feel that I should say

But words can wait until some other day.

                       ♫ ♪

You are as beautiful as the day he lost you, Steve thought, from all the way across the room, you still hadn’t seen him but he saw you the moment you walked into the room, stealing the air from his lungs.

His heart aches so painfully to be near you he swears it could be a heart attack, he was frozen in place afraid that if he moved you’d disappear, he wonders how long it would take for him to win you back…

Something in you compels you to turn around, and when you do, a gasp escapes you… You couldn’t believe your own eyes, for a moment you didn’t recognize him, he was taller and incredibly broad, nothing like the man you saw last a decade ago, his posture was intimidating, but then you met his eyes, and those were the same. He truly was back, and all those emotions you kept under lock broke free, making your legs move forward before you could think, he immediately did too, and suddenly the both of you were running through the crowd to get to each other.

Without hesitation, you crashed into his arms, and he crushed you to him, easily picking you up, he was definitely stronger. Breathing him in, a sob almost escaped your lips, it was still the same after 12 years, the noise around you drowns out and it’s as if the earth stops spinning altogether… “I’m so sorry you lost your mom”, you whimper, it was the first thing you needed to say.

His hold only tightens, making it harder to breathe, memories of his suffocating embrace making you feel warm inside, you grip the nape of his hair for comfort, “I didn’t get to say goodbye” Steve whispers into your neck. Since you can remember, you always hated when he was heartbroken, his pain was your own, you wished you could take it away. 

“I know”, you nod, before he slowly lets you down, making you realize just how much the height difference is, it made you nervous.

His hands settle on your lower back while yours rest on the sides of his shoulders, you’re so close, he’s hunched over and you’re on your tiptoes, just inches away from his lips,  his nose nudges your own for a moment, making the butterflies in your stomach wild, you feel drawn to each other like magnets. Steve’s leaning in, and like a bucket of cold water, you remember the last 12 years, you remembered how easily he abandoned you, breaking every promise he made to you.

You quickly turn your cheek and you can feel his disappointment boring into your head, taking a small step back, you hold his hand tightly, not redy to let him go yet, and you shake your head, silently telling him you couldn’t kiss him. 

The soldier had half a mind to grab and kiss you, remind you of what you meant to each other, after years and oceans apart he never stopped thinking about you. You both knew from the day  you met , you were his, and he wasn’t going to let anyone get in between the two of you ever again.

But before he could say anything, Peggy Carter approached them.

“Well well, look at you two chums getting reacquainted”, her smile was sickenly sweet, but her eyes told you, you were caught… How long had she been watching? you ask yourself as anxiety settles in your stomach, and then your husband’s words ring in your head.

“I know Tony and Peggy will keep an eye on you”.

Your heart beats incessantly against your chest, and your breathing becomes shallow, she was going to tell John, you realized… and you were terrified of what he would do.

To be continued… 

Thank you for reading! Likes, comments and reblogs are deeply encouraged.

part 🥀🥀

[bisexualiteaa]

Ghoulish Kinda Love

John Hancock x Ghoul!Fem Reader (SMUT!! and some fluff!)

CW: NSFW MDNI!! ghoul reader, chem usage, alcohol use, talks of discrimination, p in v, p0rn w/ some plot, slow burn, FEELINGS! Fingering, oral, (fem receiving) short handjob, unprotected sex, ghoul sex, riding, irradiated cream pie, cursing, fluffy ending, potential spelling/grammar errors, slight deviance from game

AN: I’m back partying people! Thank you to those who have put requests in regarding our charismatic ghoul companion Hancock! Been itching to write something for him and give him a little more love because there isn’t a lot out there for my boy Hancock, and he deserves all the love. ❤️ We won’t talk about the way I’d go to write this and each time I would, a sign telling me I need to “repent for my sins” would come up along the road lmao. 😭 Anyway, enjoy some fluffy smutty action with our man Hancock! Please go easy, I’m still relatively new to all things Fallout so if I goof up some stuff from the game, I do apologize, I’m still learning! But otherwise I do hope y’all enjoy! 🥰

Also I don’t own the rights to any music here, but there are a few songs if you’d like to enjoy them along with the moment for a more immersive experience!

You didn’t remember much from your life before the bombs dropped on that horrifically fateful day. You vaguely remember the taste of pie when you would bake it, or Mac ‘n cheese back when it was made with clean water and fresh hot off the burner. You even more vaguely remember the days of dressing really nice, now it was all you could to find something that was concealing enough to hide who you had become wandering along the commonwealth aimlessly. There was once purpose in your journey, once meaning behind it but not anymore, at least not one you could remember. Two hundred years is a long time to live, a lot of memories to hold, and when you’re spending a lot of that time trying to keep from turning feral it’s even harder to remember the trivial things like life without radiation exposure. It pained your heart to think about, to look at yourself in a mirror or your reflection in a passing puddle of radiated water. One thing you do remember is looking beautiful once upon a time, your once E/C eyes having turned a hazy black, your H/L, H/C having long since fallen out. Hell, the most noticeable part was that your nose was completely missing now, your leathery marred skin a sickly grey making you look like a walking corpse. You hated looking upon yourself now that you were a ghoul, you had been for a little over a century now, but it still always caught you by surprise.

t was one day upon your blind stumbling that you had entered a town called Goodneighbor, your bandana covering your face and large hat on to keep the fact that you were a ghoul slightly harder to point out lest it be anything like Diamond City was. You found out the hard way that day that a lot of places don’t take kindly to ghouls, and whether you were feral or not they tended not to want to chance it. You were just going to stroll through, minding your own business when a man stopped you on your way in. “Hey, hold up there. First time in Goodneighbor? Can’t go walkin’ around without insurance” spoke the gruff voice of a man who had just lit a cigarette in front of you, speaking with it sticking from the corner of his mouth before removing it and blowing the smoke in your direction. Asshole. “Unless it’s keep-dumb-assholes-away-from-me insurance, I’m not interested” you stated, and he didn’t quite like the tone you were catching. “Now don’t be like that, I think you’re gonna like what I have on offer” he replied, making you roll your eyes at his persistence. Here we go. “You hand over everything you got in them pockets or “accidents” start happening to ya. Big, bloody, accidents” he threatened, and you didn’t take too kindly to it but by now, you were used to the casual threat being thrown your way, especially as a ghoul. You heard a gravely voice from off in the distance, almost as if he had just appeared from the alleyway between the buildings in behind the man haggling you. “Woah woah, now time out” the man spoke, wearing a black tri-corn hat and a stark red jacket with a white dress shirt underneath. What really caught you by surprise? He was a ghoul. “someone steps through the gate the first time, they’re a guest. You lay off the extortion crap” he finished, walking towards the man haggling you and the man almost seemed to meet him halfway as if he knew him. All you could do was stand there in awe. Holy shit, he was defending you, no one ever did that. “What’d you care? She ain’t one of us” the man spoke, his cigarette smoke still lingering in your nostrils from when he’d blown it in your face. “No love for your mayor, Finn? I said let her go” the ghoul said, standing his ground. Wait…did he say mayor? He was the mayor of this town? As a ghoul?? You were so flabbergasted to imagine such a thing, your kind were so hated, you could never have thought of a town being accepting enough to be run by a ghoul. Although you could tell by the body language this man in particular didn’t really care for the mayor, they looked as if they were getting ready to have a stand off. “You’re soft Hancock. You keep letting outsiders walk all over us, one day there’ll be a new mayor” the man, Finn countered. “Come on man, this is me we’re talkin about. Let me tell ya somethin’…” the ghoul, Hancock said, walking closer to Finn, looking as if he was stretching his hand out to place it on Finn’s shoulder but instead, reached for a knife, stabbing your haggler repeatedly in the stomach until he dropped to the ground at his feet. You were in shock, you’d seen people killed before, heck you’ve killed people yourself before because it was a kill or be killed kinda world out here, but never in the time you spent as a ghoul had anyone ever killed for you.

“Now why’d you have to go and say that, huh? Breakin’ my heart here” Hancock said to the man before looking to you. “You alright, sister?” He asked. “Your face…it’s like mine” was unfortunately all you could say, bringing your bandana down to show him. “Ya like it? I think it gives me a sexy, king of the zombies kinda look. Big hit with the ladies” he said flirtatiously, his voice dipping a little lower, bringing out the gravely rasp to his tone and if you could blush still, you would have. You gave a smile and a giggle, enjoying his take on ghoulification. “I’m a ghoul, something I see we share. Lot of walkin’ rad freaks like us around here” he said, and you felt guilty for pointing it out and not thanking him first, but his next words put a warmth in your heart to hear. “Goodneighbor’s of the people, for the people, you feel me? Everyone’s welcome” he said, and that made you smile because never had you been some place where you felt so welcome for being who you were. “Of the people, for the people? Oh brother…” you joked sarcastically, making him laugh. “I can tell I’m gonna like you already. Just consider this town your home away from home…so long as you remember who’s in charge” he said before starting to walk off, but you were so curious, had so many questions needing answers to, so you bothered and stopped him.

“What can I do for ya, newcomer?” He asked happily, making you almost clam up when you went to speak but you cleared your throat, working through your anxiety. “What’s your story, Hancock?” You asked kindly yet curiously. “My favorite subject. I came into this town about…a decade ago? Had a smooth set of skin back then. While I was busy making myself a pillar of the community, I would go on these…like…wild tears. I was young; any chems I could find, the more exotic the better. Finally found this experimental radiation drug, only one of its kind left, and only one hit” he said, and his story had you intrigued. “Oh man, the high was so worth it. Yeah I’m livin’ with the side effects but hey, what’s not to love about immortality?” He asked, making you chuckle. “Got its perks, its downsides too but hey, glad to finally see someone enjoyin’ it” you said, making him chuckle. “All that chem use definitely prepared you for a career in politics…” you quipped wittily, making him chuckle. “People respect me because I don’t put myself above them. I sling and shoot up just like the next guy” he said, and you respected that. “Hey, no judgement! I respect that” you replied. “Can you tell me more about this town of yours, Goodneighbor?” You asked. “It’s all about the people, understand? They’re freaks, misfits, and troublemakers and that’s why I love ‘em. Everyone here lives their own life, their own way. No judgements” he said proudly, making you smile happily to find yourself welcomed to such a wonderful place. It wasn’t anything crazy big or crazy busy, it was quaint and sweet, felt like home and that was a hard feeling to come by these days. This was the first time you’d ever been anywhere so accepting, so care free of looks or who you were or what you did. It felt good. Maybe this was what you’d been searching for all this time.

“I have a feeling you’ll fit in well here” he said with a warm and inviting smile to match his tone, making you smile hopefully, and it made him happy to see such a look on your face, to know he had helped someone who seemed to really need it. “Thank you, it’s so nice to finally be welcomed somewhere rather than forced out” you said, and he felt that pain, knew that a lot of other people who stayed in his town felt the same way. It warmed his heart to know that he could be a helping hand. You seemed really sweet, he hoped you’d settle in and stay a while, newcomers were always interesting around here but you piqued his interest just a little bit more than most others did.

So as you settled in over time, he got to know you a little bit more. You would often venture down to the bar, and you’d found Hancock there quite often, there you exchanged life stories, dreams, aspirations, regrets. It was nice, finally having human interaction for once with someone, someone who understood and someone who wouldn’t cringe or push you away when you spoke. Some nights, he’d put something on from the jukebox and ask you to dance with him, not caring about how bad either of you were in your drunken/high states. Did I mention you were chem buddies? Oh yeah. When night time came, or you’d find some chems while out scavenging the commonwealth for more supplies to help yourself, Hancock and the town, he was inviting you to his room on the state house to do them with him. For that time, you could just forget the world in its entirety, forget being a ghoul, forget it all. You would smile and laugh amongst each other as you told wild stories, flirted with one another, it was always a good time with him. You never had to worry, and you loved that. He was a safe place to just be yourself and he did the same, with absolutely no shame or judgement in sight.

There was one night in particular that you’d remember for the rest of your days, no matter how long you lived until. You were at the bar, talking and enjoying a few drinks with Hancock as you both typically spent your evenings, before you watched him saunter his way over to the jukebox, picking a song to play to dance with you to. As much as Fehr claimed she wanted no part in, or held any care in your growing relationship with the mayor, she couldn’t help but feel a little warmth and happiness deep down that Hancock had finally managed to find someone that made him happy. It was good to see him happy and well, to be carefree in the positive kind of way rather than just getting high in his room all the time. Of course he was still getting high, but it was with you, someone who kept him company, someone who he could confide in. You smirked as you recognized the song that was playing as he leaned against the jukebox, his eyes raking your figure as Oh, Pretty Woman began to play, urging you over to him to dance with him. How could you say no to a man with such charisma?

Pretty woman walkin’ down the street

Pretty woman, the kind I’d like to meet

Pretty woman, I don’t believe you, you’re not the truth

No one could look as good as you

Mercy

He’d softly sang along with the song, his arm sliding around your waist to your back, swiftly and effectively pulling you against him, your hands resting against the ruffles along his white under shirt. You smiled up at him, knowing this was once again one of those times that if you could blush, you would. You’d never felt this way before, never felt so cared for, so wanted since you’d become a ghoul.

Pretty woman, won’t you pardon me?

Pretty woman, I couldn’t help but see

Pretty woman, that you look lovely as can be

Are you lonely just like me?

He continued to sing, just loud enough for you to hear, grabbing your hand and spinning you in front of him suavely before dipping you, unphased by anyone who could be looking on. You smiled as people clapped and stomped their feet to the beat as a way to hype you both up. You couldn’t help the fury of giggles leaving you as he did so, absolutely stunned by such a display.

Grrrow

He imitated right by your ear with a grin, making a shiver run down your spine at the way his raspy voice dropped in octave a little bit as he did. You gave an intrigued sound in response before a laugh bubbled up from your throat as you pulled his signature black, tri-corn hat off from his head in the process of standing back up, placing it on your own with a mischievous grin up at him that he mirrored back. He was good and he knew it, but you couldn’t just let him have this that easily, as much as you were down bad for him, you wanted to see him chase you a little bit. Needed to see if he was all talk or if his words and actions held meaning to them like you hoped they would.

Pretty woman, stop awhile

Pretty woman, talk awhile

Pretty woman, give your smile to me

Pretty woman, yeah, yeah, yeah

Pretty woman, look my way

Pretty woman, say you’ll stay with me

‘Cause I need you, I’ll treat you right

Come with me, baby, be mine tonight

He sang as you danced once more, grabbing your hands and twirling you to where your back pressed to his front for a moment before twirling you back, his fingers beneath your chin as you looked up at him at the end of the verse with a teasing grin. You sauntered away to the doorway towards the rooms before stopping there, turning to look over your shoulder at him as an invitation but stayed as you watched him sing.

Pretty woman, don’t walk on by

Pretty woman, don’t make me cry

Pretty woman, don’t walk away, hey

Okay

If that’s the way it must be, okay

I guess I’ll go on home, it’s late

There’ll be tomorrow night, but wait

What do I see?

Is she walkin’ back to me?

He sang as he watched your hand as it slid down from the doorway you propped up against before making your way back to him, getting just as excited to see you come back as the man singing the song claimed to be. He smirked, watching the sway of your hips as you walked towards him, giving a whistle as you did, his eyes roaming your body.

Yeah, she’s walkin’ back to me

Oh, oh, pretty woman

He finished, watching you loop your arms around his neck as his hands came to rest against your hips and god he’d never been more scared than fucking up this moment with you. Does he just hold you? Does he kiss you? Fuck, do you even feel that way about him? He figured with the way you two flirted, with the way you gave him bedroom eyes just a minute ago that you did, but he didn’t want to be an asshole and just assume either. Maybe he’d let you make the first move, place it in your hands to do with what you wish. That look in your eyes made him never want to look away, you looked at him like he hung the stars in the sky. God how he adored you, he wanted you so badly, and not even in just the sexual way that he normally felt for women who piqued his interest now and again. You were really and truly different in his eyes. As people clapped and cheered on for you both, the tension in the air was broken momentarily, making you laugh happily as you looked out at everyone then back up at him. You smiled up at him, your heart racing as he looked at you with a smile that told him this was the moment. So he took the leap of faith, pulling his hat from your head and leaning down to kiss you, his hat concealing your lips that locked together softly. The on lookers gave a whistle and a cheer as they knew exactly what was happening, and you placed your hands on either sides of his face, pulling him to you to keep him there for just a little bit longer. He grinned into your kiss, his free hand coming to rest on your hip as all worries flew out the window the moment you enthusiastically pulled him in. There couldn’t have been a happier man to exist in that moment other than him, watching as he looked down at you with the most star struck look on his face. “What do you say you and me sneak off for the night, Mr. Mayor?” You asked, placing his hat back on his head and adjusting it for him with a smile. He gave a raspy chuckle at you using his title and what you were insinuating from your question. He’d be lying if he said it didn’t send an excited twitch straight to his cock. “I’d say I like the way you think, sunshine” he replied, making you smile and giggle at his enthusiasm. “Good answer” you replied. Guess it was a good thing you’d paid for your drinks already after all.

You followed him upstairs, to his room in the state house, closing the door behind you both as you walked in after him. You could still hear the jukebox playing music loudly, you smiled as you heard the next song playing from it. Coincidentally enough, it was perfect for a slow dance. His hand boldly came to rest on your waist as his free hand grabbed yours, your fingers intertwined together. “I know it might be cheesy but…now that we’re away from all the pryin’ eyes, I wanna do this right” he said, making you smile softly at him, doing your best to hide the giddy excitement bubbling inside of you that you hadn’t felt in centuries. “Would you…dance with me?” He asked, making you smile brightly as your arms looped around his neck and you looked up at him with a dreamy smile. “I’d be delighted to” you replied, making him smile back down at you. You hummed along with the opening of the song, knowing the melody that was being played.

Crazy, I’m crazy for feelin’ so lonely

I’m crazy, crazy for feelin’ so blue.

I knew, you’d love me as long as you wanted

And then someday, you’d leave me for somebody new.

You sang as you rest your head against his chest as you both swayed to the rhythm of the song. You closed your eyes for a moment, enjoying the warmth of him against you and the feel of his embrace. He gave a contented hum, getting to hear your lovely voice so close, and only for him in this moment. In this moment you weren’t the newcomer that everyone felt the need to gawk at every time you entered a room with him, as selfish as it made him feel but at the same time, in this moment he wasn’t the people’s either. He was yours, and you were his. For a moment the world felt at peace. For a moment, all time seemed to stop around you and it was just the two of you here. It was calming, intimate even. Intimate in a way that for the first time, wasn’t sexual for a change. The closest he’d really ever gotten to intimacy without sex was aftercare, and even then, it came after sex so therefore it was still involved. But this? This was nice. Having you in his embrace, your head against his chest, not a wrinkle of worry evident on your face, and his only worry being if his heart was racing too harshly or too loud for you to be able to withstand.

Worry, why do I let myself worry?

Wonderin’ what in the world did I do?

Crazy, for thinkin’ that my love could hold you.

I’m crazy for tryin’, and crazy for cryin’

And I’m crazy for lovin’ you.

You supposed the song wasn’t wrong in a way, most people would call you crazy for falling in love with a ghoul, or trying to fall in love period as a ghoul. Most people knew them by the characteristic lack of smooth skin, sunken in and marred skin, missing noses and the potential that they turn feral at any moment. You would never listen to that though, as a ghoul you knew you came with ups and downs, but you never let that stop you from seeing the best in others just as you’d hope they would some day do for you in return. After all, you and John both have had your fair share of run ins with feral ghouls in your time traveling together, you both knew what to look out for. John wasn’t one of them, and he knew neither were you. It never mattered to you what someone looked like, you only cared whether they would care for you in return the same way you care for them. How big their heart is, how they treat you and others around them. John was a good man, you knew this from the first moment you met him. Sure, the first moment you’d met him he killed someone, but he killed someone who was trying to harm and haggle you the moment you first step foot into what you’d learned to be his town. He did it to protect you. He looks out for his people, wanting, and doing only what is best for them, helping them any way he can. Of the people, for the people he’d always say. It was that drive, that selflessness that attracted you to him, but also that he didn’t discriminate like the rest of the world seemed to. You couldn’t care less about how his skin was marred from the years of radiation exposure, how a deep hole sits where his nose once did. You saw John for the man he is, the heart he has, not just as the ghoul everyone else does. That’s what made you so likable in his eyes, you never judged. You never held a distaste for the fact that you were a ghoul, that he was one, or that you were surrounded by your fellow people of Goodneighbor who were also mostly ghouls. You had a good outlook on things but weren’t too gullible to be taken advantage of, something that not many people had these days. He also appreciated the way you never judged his habits. Never once in the amount of times that he would take a hit of jet, or pop a couple of mentats, hell even on the rare occasional use of psycho, did you ever once judge him. You didn’t have to partake with him, he’d never force you to, but the fact that you didn’t cringe when he would, the fact that you would never chew him out for it as if he didn’t know the consequences of his own actions. You respected him, respected his way of living, just as he respected you and yours.

He looked down at you, seeing your eyes light up as they met his with a smile spread across your lovely, maybe slightly chapped, lips. He smiled down at you, his hand leaving yours to cradle your cheek as he looked upon you with astonishment. How could someone like you, so loving, so caring, choose him? In a world full of people, granted he knew from experience that the pickings amongst those of the surface were less than stellar, yet you still chose him. A ghoul, when there are people out there that are still far more human looking. Hell, he was sure you could make a synth even grow a heart if you wanted it to and looked upon one the way you looked at him. Sure he would tease you for liking him, for befriending him, but it warmed his heart to know that out of anyone out there, you chose him as your battle partner, him to adventure with. He only hoped deep down that that friendship could be more.

And almost as if someone out there was listening to his thoughts, had heard his silent prayers, he watched as your eyes flickered between his hazy black ones and then to his thin, marred lips, with a look he recognized well. This was the moment that would lead to it all, the moment he’d been waiting for, dreaming about since starting to travel with you and partake in your company. It was truly all or nothing now.

Crazy, for thinkin’ that my love could hold you.

I’m crazy for tryin’, and crazy for cryin’

And I’m crazy for lovin’…

You.

He smiled a little wider when your hand came to cradle his cheek like he was doing with you as you were singing, pulling him even closer to you, if it was possible. Before he knew it, as you sang the last word of the song, your lips found their way to his once more, pressing gently against his own but with confidence and passion that showed him you wanted this. That you wanted him. His hand that was on your cheek soon came to rest against the back of the one you had on his, keeping you as close as he could get but also ensuring that this was real. He needed to know that this wasn’t a dream or some jet fueled fantasy he was in. And to his surprise and delight, it was in fact real. He reciprocated the kiss, finally breaking out of his momentary shock to pull you against him, your chests flush together as his other hand gripped your hip. You smiled into it as his tongue prodded at your lower lip, asking kindly to deepen the kiss into something more passionate. You opened, allowing it and allowing the moment to carry you both to wherever it may lead. Your free hand came to rest against his chest, fingers toying with the ruffles of his undershirt beneath the red jacket he always wore, earning a low, gravely groan from him that rattled his chest. As you both parted for air, he looked down to see that beautiful half lidded expression as he pressed his forehead against yours. “Tell me I’m not dreamin’” he said, breathlessly, almost as if he couldn’t believe that this was actually happening. His response made you chuckle. “I’d be really pissed if I was, that or damn impressed by what the chems you have can do” you quipped, making him laugh. “Me too. You feel real…real nice too” he complimented, his head ducking down to place small chaste kisses against your neck, always the charmer. You giggled. “Then I’d say it’s real” you replied, and those were the words he wanted to hear. He chuckled softly as he exhaled, relieved to know it was real.

He smiled but you could tell there was something eating at him, something he hadn’t said yet. You’d known Hancock long enough in the time you’d spent getting high with him and traveling the commonwealth with him to know his cues. Part of him hated the way that you could tell something was off, after all, he always wanted to keep this aloof front, like nothing ever bugged him but you knew that wasn’t true. Something was bugging him now. “There’s uhh…there’s something I need you to hear” he started, making you part enough to give him space, but not too far to make him feel like you weren’t there for him or put off by what he’d said. “Is everything alright?” You asked, concern in your tone that maybe you might have overstepped a boundary or assumed something incorrectly. “Oh yeah, better than that. This is just…tricky” he replied before giving a sigh, as if trying to get the tension to release from him with one breath. “It’s just, being out there with you, it’s made me realize. Most of my life to this point, I’ve been runnin’ out on the good things I got” he answered, but you could tell he wasn’t done yet, he had more to get off of his chest. “I skipped out on my family, my life in Diamond City. Took up with you just to get outta Goodneighbor. Hell, runnin’ from myself is what made me into…into a damn ghoul” he added, sounding upset at himself, and you wanted so badly in that moment to reach out and take his hand, do something to comfort him, but you wanted him to finish as to not overstep or rudely cut him off. “But bein’ here with you, for the first time in my life, things have just felt…right” he added, making you smile softly at that. You were happy you could be help and a good friend to him, even if you deep down wanted more than that. “And running? It’s the furthest thing from my mind. I mean, I left Goodneighbor thinkin’ I was just gonna sharpen up the ol’ killer instinct. But whether it’s fate, or destiny, or just god damn coincidence, I ended up with someone like you” he continued, making you smile once again, even brighter this time at him as you imagined a soft pink would have flushed to your cheeks had you had a smoother set of skin. “I turned one of the nastiest settlements in the commonwealth into a refuge for the lost. I thought I’d done something I could hang my hat on. But being out there with you, it’s made me realize just how small time I’d been thinkin’. And that maybe all my running, from my life, myself…maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing after all” he confessed, making you look slightly confused as to what he’d said.

“Running from yourself? What do you mean?” You asked, making him chuckle a bit as he thought of what to say to both be honest but also lighten the slightly damper mood up a little bit. He needed to see that smile back on your lips, when you smiled at him, it was like the world was no longer in shambles. He needed that, right now and until the end of his days because he swore no high from any chem out there compared to the one you’d give him. “Well, I didn’t always look this good. The drug that did this to me, that made me a ghoul, I knew what it was going to do. I just couldn’t stand lookin’ at the bastard I saw in the mirror anymore” he replied, making your heart break for him that he felt that way about himself, under all that confidence. “The coward who’d let all those ghouls from Diamond City die. Who was too scared to protect his fellow drifters from Vic and his boys. If I took it, I’d never have to look at him again. I could put all that behind me. I’d be free. Didn’t seem like a choice at all” he added. “Turns out it was just me runnin’ from somethin’ else in my life” he continued, sounding ashamed for his actions and his past, and you understood better than anyone what that felt like. You stepped a little closer to him to grab his hand in yours, an offering of comfort. “Hey, it doesn’t matter what you did. All that matters is what you do from here on out” you said confidently, something you always told yourself to keep your head high and keep going, making him chuckle. “I know a lotta bookies that’d disagree with you. But I feel what you’re gettin’ at. So let me get to the point” he said, grabbing your other hand in his as he looked at you, eye to eye now to show you what he was about to say next was very important to him.

“Throwin’ in with you, has been the best decision I ever made. It’s like I found a part of myself I never realized was missing…which happens sometimes when you’re a ghoul” he started, making you chuckle as you too knew that feeling all too well by now. “If I hadn’t taken up with you, I’d probably be in the gutter somewhere, getting gnawed on by radroaches. You’ve been one hell of a friend” he said, making you smile and chuckle at that, before you looked down at your hands held together, working up the courage to ask the question that had been plaguing your mind for ages now. This was it, this was the moment. “Have you…ever thought about us as maybe more than just friends?” You asked skittishly almost, hoping he’d say yes, praying he felt the same way. A part of you felt deep down like he did, call it hope, call it whatever, but you were never fully sure where you guys stood. You two flirted like he held interest, he looked out for you, invited you along for things that he’d really never invite anyone else to other than maybe Fehr, but it felt different when it was with you. There was a connection between you, that was undeniable, but what type of connection you were never sure of. He gave a chuckle at your question. “It that obvious? But c’mon, you don’t wanna wake up to this mug every morning. Never wish that on anyone I cared for” he replied, joking in that self deprecating manner he always did but answering your question nonetheless. “Hey, who I fall for is my decision, and I’ve fallen for you” you replied softly but with confidence, showing him that you meant it. “Wouldn’t expect that kinda lapse in judgement from you. But I guess that works out for me then, doesn’t it?” He asked with a happy smile, chuckling once more but you could tell that that comment did wonders to help him feel more at ease. “Moments like this, I know all that karma stuff is bull. Because no one like me should be this lucky” he added, making you chuckle in response as you came closer, looping your arms around his neck once again. “Sure you do. You deserve the world in my eyes, John” you said softly, genuinely as you looked up at him, your eyes promising nothing but love and support for his any and every endeavor. “I don’t need the world sunshine. I got you, what else could I need?” He replied, making you giggle as you rest your head against his chest. “So everything is okay between us then?” You asked, making him give a raspy huff in amusement. “I got you, everything else is just details and drug paraphernalia” he said, making you smile warmly as you chuckled once again at his corny line before leaning up and kissing him once more.

It wasn’t long before silence fell over the room long enough to hear the music playing from the jukebox once more. Once again, as if someone had been listening, it was a rather slow, very romantic song playing through the speakers.

Blue moon you saw me standing alone.

Without a dream in my heart,

Without a love of my own.

Blue moon, you knew just what I was there for.

You heard me saying a prayer for,

Someone I really could care for.

And then there suddenly appeared before me

The only one my arms will ever hold.

I heard somebody whisper “Please adore me”

You smiled into it as you both very quickly got swept back up into the moment with each other, his hands traveling the expanse of your curves slowly and softly, mapping out the valleys and plains of your body and to feel you against him. A mischievous grin took the place of the more innocent smile as you pulled away, gently pushing Hancock back to sit on his bed. He gave an equally mischievous grin and chuckle at your actions as you separated enough to take his hands and use them to slide the straps of your dress down your shoulders, allowing it to begin to fall down your frame. He gave a chuckle before whistling once it slipped from you, sitting in a red pool on the floor, leaving you in just your underwear as you stepped out of the discarded dress and straddled his lap on the bed.

And when I looked, the moon had turned to gold!

Blue moon!

Now I’m no longer alone

Without a dream in my heart

Without a love of my own

He grinned, his hands resting on your hips as yours sat on his collarbones, pulling him into another heated kiss. “Fuck…” was all he could manage to mutter into it, making you giggle as your hands wandered his frame. You smiled as you pulled back to enjoy the almost drunk look on his face as he drank you in. It was as if he didn’t know where to look or touch first, he was normally smooth and suave when it came to this sort of thing, but you were different than the rest. “You’ve got a wonderful way of making this ol’ ghoul feel like her old self again with that look” you replied, making him chuckle before clearing his throat. “What’s not to like there, sunshine? All I see is a badass, very beautiful woman sitting in front of me” he said, moving his hips against you and that told you all you needed to know as you chuckled before littering kisses down his scarred neck. “It ain’t exactly pretty underneath all this, you sure you still wanna do this?” He asked, making you look back up at him. “You kidding? Of course I do. Looks ain’t everything ya know” you said, making him laugh. “Says the model” he quipped, and you had to admit that it was sweet that he regarded you that way, but you knew you were no model. What you were though was true to your words when you undid the buttons to his undershirt and coat. You gave a laugh at his flirtation. “Yeah, maybe if a model spent too much time in a tanning bed” You replied, making him chuckle as you continued to litter your kisses down his chest after disposing of his top and coat, then down his stomach, and soon to where his pants sat at his hips. “Still gorgeous all the same to me” he said, and that made your heart flutter in your chest to hear. You couldn’t help the smile that painted your lips as you situated yourself on your knees between his legs.

Damn what a sight it was he’d thought to himself, seeing you on your knees before him, eagerly undoing the flag he used as a belt to free him from them and his briefs. You grinned up at him, getting them down and off, doing the same with your underwear, then happily taking your seat back on his lap. He gave a playful tap against your ass as you got situated, enjoying the nice handful that most ghouls weren’t blessed to still have once they’d reached this point. “I think you’re very handsome, John” you said genuinely, and god he could just melt from your compliments and tone. A moan rips from both of your throats as you grind against him, your slick cunt gliding along his length. “Fuck, oh no sweet cheeks, we’re doing this the right way” he said, making you cock your head to the side confused before he picked you up and put you on your back on the bed. You gave a playful yelp as he did before giggling as your back hit the mattress. “Wanna feel you and taste you first, get you all worked up. Somethin’ tells me you’re a sight to see when you’re all crazy for me” he said, making you swear you could actually blush for once as you let out a way louder moan than you meant to when one of his fingers grazed up and down your slit and found your clit almost immediately, drawing tight circles. Your hand clasped to your mouth immediately, knowing the walls were likely paper thin, but John seemed to have a better solution. He moved your hand away, leaning down to pull you into a heated kiss once more, muffling your moans to where they were just loud enough for him and him alone. It had been so long since you’d felt the touch of another, your scars usually keeping you from finding someone to help scratch that itch. There was the occasional crazy you’d run into that were hell-bent on trying to sleep with a ghoul to find out what it was like. You avoided those people the best you could because something told you that necrophilia didn’t exactly sit very highly on their never to do lists.

Soon his fingers moved down to prod at your entrance, pushing in slowly to allow you the chance to accommodate the intrusion. Your eyes rolled to the back of your head as his roughly textured fingers began to piston in and out of you in a steady rhythm, sure to graze your walls to find that spongy bundle of nerves that would leave you crying his name. “Fuck, John…” you moaned, earning a low gravely groan from him. The way you said his name so salaciously went straight to his cock and made his head swim with all the ideas of how he could get you to say his name like that more. Soon his lips mimicked what you’d started earlier on him, trailing down your neck, stopping to tease and nip at your sensitive spots before moving down to take one of your nipples in his mouth. Your arms flew to cling around him, nails digging small crescent shapes into his back as you bit your lip so hard you were scared it would bleed. You were far more sensitive than you thought you’d be, even after ghoulification, apparently the loss of touch still left you as needy as before. “So good for me” he praised, making you whimper as his kisses dipped lower and lower. “Wanna taste you. Gotta know if you taste as sweet as you sound” he said, shifting in between your legs, kissing the insides of one of your thighs leading up to your sex before skipping to your other one, leaving you on edge. “John, don’t tease…” you mewled, making him chuckle at how eager you were. “You’re so cute, hard not to when you sound like that, sunshine” he replied before seeing just how wet you were for him. A sound of intrigue left him as he looked at his fingers once he withdrew them from you. “Tell me, this all for me?” He asked, pulling his fingers out and showing you your slick that clung to his fingers as he separated them, making you whine as you shake your head. “Yes, all for you John, please…” you begged, making him smirk as his fingers slid back inside of you with little resistance, and his tongue finally making contact against your sensitive clit. Your body arched off the bed for a moment, biting back another loud cry as his tongue started to circle your clit. “Fuck! Oh my god” you let out, making him chuckle as the pads of his fingers found your g-spot, rubbing it as his tongue drew all sorts of letters and shapes along your sensitive bud. Your breathing started to turn ragged, your mind blank, you could hardly think of anything other than the whispered expletives and cries of his name that left your lips like a mantra. “Keep sayin’ my name sweetheart, tell ‘em who makes you feel this good” he said with a cocky grin as he dove back into you like a man starved. To think, he could’ve had this the entire time you’d been traveling together, he was at least lucky to have it now.

“Just like that, just like that! Fuck…” you moaned, feeling the ache in your lower stomach start to burn and grow taut. It had been so long since you’d been with someone, and even longer since you’d been with someone who actually could help you reach your peak. Your hips began to buck selfishly against his fingers and tongue, making him moan into you as you used him. “That’s it baby, use me. Wanna hear that pretty mouth moan my name when you cum” he said, making you focus on chasing that high, god you were so fucking close, you could feel it. He peered up at you, watching as your face contorted with pleasure, calculating and changing his movements based on your expressions and sounds. You gasped as he started to draw tight circles around your clit with his tongue, curling his fingers inside of you to rub your g spot once more. “John I…fuck, I think I’m gonna- John!” You moan in warning the best you could before your orgasm washed over you like a tidal wave, sending your back arching off the bed and your thighs squeezing and trapping his head between your legs. He moaned into you as your body was savaged by what felt like every nerve ending lighting on fire all at once. He couldn’t care less if you suffocated him like this, even with no nose to get caught or crushed, he’d consider it an honorable way to go out. You tried to steady your breathing as best you could, finding it hard to open your eyes even, but when you did, you realized he was still trapped between your legs. “Oh fuck, I’m so sorry!” You apologized, opening your legs to let him free and breathe, whining as his fingers left you with that disappointingly empty feeling. “Don’t you dare apologize, being crushed between these is one hell of a dream come true” he said, making you roll your eyes playfully and laugh at his response. Your hand reached out to yank him back up onto the bed, finding your spot once again straddling him. He groaned low in his throat as your hands stroked him, his one hand resting on your hip, squeezing every now and again. “Drivin’ me crazy here sunshine, might just be enough to make me turn feral if you’re not careful” he said, making you chuckle as you kissed him once more, your taste still heavy on his tongue but you didn’t care. You delighted in the moans coming from him as your tongues fought for dominance over each other. Your head dipped into the crook of his neck, peppering kisses along his neck and collarbone. “Need you so bad, John” you said, voice no louder than a breathless whisper as he chuckled. “I dunno, judging by your reaction I figured my mouth was enough. I’m just kiddin’. Think you can handle it, sweet cheeks?” He asked, making you grin as you lined him up to your entrance, slowly working your way down onto his member. “You tell me” you challenged in response as he stretched you open, fuck it’s really been a long time. “Touché- fuuucckk. Goddamn baby…” he groaned as your needy cunt slowly sucked him in, careful to stop once he’d fully sheathed inside of you. “Fuck…” you panted, feeling him fill you entirely, his tip nudging the apex of your cervix.

“It’s uhh…it’s been quite a while since the last time I did this, but I wanna make you feel good” you said, and that ruined him entirely. How could someone so sweet be speared on his cock right now? He’d never know but he’d thank every god out there until the end of his days for it. “That’s alright baby, just not sure I have it in me to be gentle or stop once I’ve started there sugar” he said, grabbing your hips to help you start a good pace, leaving you to moan loudly as his cock nudged your cervix. “Don’t care, gentle can come some other time. Fuck, you feel so good…” you moaned as you met his hips with your own thrusts, taking over and setting the pace as you bounced up and down on his lap. “Love the way you think babe. Shit… tell me what you need sunshine” he said between pants and the sounds of your hips slapping together. “Need you, need you so bad John, please” you begged, trying your best to keep quiet but you both knew that ship sailed a while ago. Whenever your legs grew tired, he was there to grip your hips and help you move, making your eyes roll once again to the back of your head as you’d moan. When you would tip your head back, he’d lean his forward to catch one of your nipples in his mouth, sucking and licking at it to pull you closer to the edge.

He pistoned his hips up into you, all sense of restraint and control lost in the feeling of your gummy walls wrapped tightly around him. You gasped as you felt that sensation in your lower stomach again, getting tighter and tighter as he worked you both to your peak. “Yes! Fuck, so close, don’t stop!” You moaned, making him chuckle deviously. “Wouldn’t dream of it sugar, feel too good to stop” he replied through gruff grunts and soft moans into your shoulder before parting to look down to where your bodies were connected and watch as he disappeared inside of you. “Look at that, that’s a pretty sight” he said, praising the way you’d take all of him with ease and the way your thighs would jiggle as you hungrily bounced on his dick. His eyes raked up your frame to rest on your face, delighted to find your eyes rolled back once your were seated on him, then half lidded when you’d come up, and that happily little cock-drunk smile on your lips before it’d drop to let out a blissful moan. You were music to his ruined ears, and like the chems he took before this, he just couldn’t get enough. His thumb found your clit once more, earning a surprised jump and moan from you as he rubbed it to help you tip over the edge. He couldn’t just let himself cum before his girl did, what kind of man would that make him? Not a very good one at all, he reasoned. Before you knew it, you were toppling over that edge again, holding tightly onto him as your walls spasmed and fluttered around him before squeezing him tightly, making him moan as your release sparked his own. He moaned into your neck as you threw your head back with a lascivious moan, enjoying the pleasant sensation of him filling you up whilst his hands held you seated in his lap. You gave a contented hum, enjoying the feeling of being so full of love, of him. You smiled as he looked back up at you, kissing you sweetly and gently as if he wasn’t balls deep inside of you with his cum leaking down your thighs. He was a man of many capabilities, and certainly was one capable of making you happy in many different ways.

“And to think, I’d been missin’ out on all this this whole time” he joked, making you laugh as you got up to fetch a wet rag to clean yourself and him off with. “Well, now you know” you teased, a grin resting on your face as he snuck up behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist as he hugged you from behind. He rested his chin along your shoulder as you stood in the connected bathroom, debating on whether you wanted to have a nice bath, or if you just wanted to lay in bed and cuddle with him to bask in the after glow. “Don’t know which is more addicting; you, or the chems” he said, knowing damn well that you were far more addicting to him but he enjoyed the playful way it’d get you to respond. “Tough competition, guess I’ll have to let you do me as often as the chems” you said, looking at him from over your shoulder and making him laugh at your dirty comment. “Don’t threaten me with a good time” he said, mischief evident in his tone as you felt something press against your rear. With the devious glint in his eyes and a grin to match, he led you back to his bed. Clearly he needed to test your offer.

[butch-reidentified]

What's living in Florida like as a lesbian? Most (liberal) people I talk to balk when I say I'm considering moving there because they all think it's populated exclusively by bigoted swamp creatures, but I don't want to listen to stereotapes from people who've never lived there. I know what the politics are like there, but what about day-to-day living/homophobia?

I tell people this CONSTANTLY but nobody seems to grasp it: while Florida has very red areas (every state does), especially rurally and in the panhandle (which shouldn't even be part of FL imho), all of the actual cities (like Tampa, St. Pete, Orlando, Miami, Fort Lauderdale) are very much blue and pretty fun to live in. they also all have LGBT+ (ofc the + is everywhere now) events and communities and parts of town etc. I love it here and have had practically zero issues being an extremely gnc lesbian here, except when I lived in Sarasota (red town with a lot of money - sucks ass) and got legally fired for being gay back in early 2020. that could've happened in a red town almost anywhere before it was illegal.

I've even had really fun, awesome experiences chatting (about what it's like to be a lesbian) with conservative white dudes in their gun store - more than once! actually if I'm being completely honest, I've had fewer sexist and homophobic experiences with conservative men in the past few years than with liberals. and yes, pretty much all the negative experiences with liberals were an obvious product of gender identity ideology. it's just so incredibly disappointing that I can reasonably expect a random conservative male I run into in the wild to be more normal about female homosexuality (including butchness!) than a liberal of either sex I run into in the wild. how the FUCK did that happen? I hate it here lmao

[taylortruther]

This is more aimed at your audience than you but I’m a communist living in a red state (not the kinda red I want haha). I obviously do not come across people in my every day life who share my particular views very often. Frankly until recently I only knew one or two other people irl who i identified with politically.

All this to say, making broad sweeping judgments about *normal people* not exiling folks based on political leanings is just … exhausting. You have got to learn to deal with people in your life you even vehemently disagree with. You’re gonna have friends who date people you don’t like and you’ll be doing a disservice to the ideas you represent if you’re gross to them.

no exactly like, almost no one in my life aligns with me politically (because they're liberals and i'm further left). it is really strange to me that some parts of the fandom are acting like they don't know anyone who still associates with republicans. i try really hard not to in my personal/intimate life, but i am only like, 1 or 2 steps removed from republicans. some of my friends are completely apolitical except for voting blue in the presidential elections. i had several friends ask me who to vote for during local elections because none of them pay attention and didn't want to research lmao

[xrk-art]

From this post @rhyslahey

Tbh I think he could feel "guilty" of his past actions after the whole hell thing, the torture he's been in during this time by the hand of his (dead) sister, we see he's a changed person in s6, also cause he got the ptsd of hell/nightmares, no home/place to stay, no doctors that were taking care of everything such as having a house for him and his "fake parents" in s5. I've seen it sometimes in fanfic but that would make a bit of sense if he could start to feel any guilt cause we can also presume he killed much people before, including his sister and even perhaps his parents later on since the show never said what happened to them after the Tara "incident", we can just imagine that his body count is more than Tara, Josh and Stacy. And I always thought that his inability of having blue eyes for killers of innocent people had to do with him being a chimera, they were created by science and are not natural in the supernatural way speaking (which is kind of ironic) which could means that the supernatural rules don't include to them just like mountain ash and wolfspane don't affect them (wolfspane not being deadly for them as much as were-people) so the Yellow - Blue eyes could also not rule on them after all, it could also work with the guilt tho I doubt Peter (having blue eyes) would feel a lot of guilt of killing people and still has blue cold eyes (don't get me wrong, I love Peter too)

Anyway that was just blabbering me cause I have been meaning to talk about this for a while now and chimera has always fascinated me cause the Dread Doctors managed to create Corey, with the gift of invisibility, without any creatures having this (even a chameleon are not that precise, a jellyfish is more) and also with a higher healing processus, which leaves so much possibility of creatures created, if only they could make live chimeras as long as Theo without killing them 🫡

Also something I have not seen in fanfics (yet) is Theo chimera state getting worse after coming out of hell, remember the other chimeras not having survived very long after being "turned", ending up with mercury leaking out of their orifice, they all died (also by the hand of the Dread Doctors) until Theo brought some of them back with Mr Douglas stuff (Douglas being now gone), it would be interesting to see Theo having his state getting worse to the point of him having mercury also leaking out of his body, him panicking cause he believed to be a successful subject/chimera all along (he survived about 8 years or smth like that since he was 9 when he was "turned") and not able to do anything cause he can't inject himself what he injected to the others since mr Douglas was now gone and the serum too

Anyway that was all, I blabbered much more than I thought I would lmao

[buckysgrace]

Nineteen

Content Warning!!!! This chapter mentions/describes Abuse, child abuse, unsafe abortions, suicide, rape and alcohol abuse.

This was long and for what lmao

Rosemary

1966

She was fifteen when she met Neil. 

He was almost two years older than her, with a tight smile and reserved personality. She'd heard girls talk about him before but as far as she knew, he never did anything other than talk to them. She'd never heard about him ever actually taking anyone on a date It gave her hope. 

They met often after his football practices, near the bleachers once he'd gathered all of his things up. She was a cheerleader, and he was a quarterback for the team. In her mind she thought it was a good match, a perfect stereotype. She had been enamored the first time she had seen him, her mind already planning what their future would be like together. 

His brown hair was always styled back neatly, not one strand out of place even after he’d played for hours with a helmet on. He was always clean shaven and spoke slow and smooth, like he wanted her to absorb every word he said. She always found herself lost in his eyes, sucked in a pool of fascination. They were a bright blue, sparkling like the most precious gemstones. 

She didn’t have an issue talking with boys, but he did intimidate her quite a bit. She still felt like she didn’t belong in this town, like she stuck out like a sore thumb. No one seemed to really understand her, and she certainly didn’t understand how people valued looks and reputation so heavily. Neil didn't seem any different. He definitely valued his reputation and only spoke to people that he deemed worthy. 

She had been new the year prior. She’d never been to California before, other than to visit her great aunt Margaret. She liked visiting Margaret for a while, until Margaret began to refer to Rosemary as Roberta, her only child that had died when she was six. Rosemary felt too bad to correct her half the time. However, leaving her house soon became harder and harder. The last time she had left claw marks in Rosemary's arm and demanded to know what kind of child would leave their mother behind. Rosemary had been too afraid to return after that, not wanting Margaret to suffer any longer. 

She liked where they’d lived in Louisiana. The town was small, but their farm was vast. She enjoyed the company of animals better than people. She never complained when she woke up hours earlier to assist her parents with feeding the animals, or when she missed out on activities with her friends because there was work to be done on the farm. She liked collecting chicken eggs and helping nurse the calves. 

She particularly loved the horses that they raised, the ones her father would take far out of state and show off in various competitions. When she was nine, she got her own foal who she named Sugar Lips. He was her pride and joy and she told him all of her secrets. She took care of him better than she’d seen some parents take care of their children. She thought he was trained enough to stay inside of their house, but her parents thought differently. 

She loved their big yellow house and the large wrap around porch that sat over a large hill. Her mother had an array of pear trees that lingered around their house and seemed to always be in season. They had a vast pond that they used to go fishing and sometimes Rosemary would dip her toes in the water while she rested underneath their large willow tree. She hated to move, hated that she had to go so far away from the things that she loved.

Her sister AnneMarie had gotten into trouble about something, Rosemary wasn’t completely sure what it was other than it involved the preacher's son. The only thing Rosemary really knew was that her parents paid a hefty dime to have something fixed and their farm was sold the following day. Rosemary had cried and thrown a tantrum, not wanting to leave behind their life and her precious Sugar Lips. it didn’t matter how badly she cried and yelled, they moved anyway. She’d been spanked more times that summer than she could remember. They moved in with aunt Margaret until they settled and by the time Margaret had passed she couldn’t even remember her own name. 

San Diego seemed to be three times as big as her hometown. Her whole freshmen class had consisted of eight people and now there were hundreds. She didn’t seem to know how to fit in either. There were cliques and you had to dress and act a certain way in order to fit in. Rosemary didn't like the fashion that was popular here, nor did she think it was fair to be required to wear shoes in school. At her former school, most of the kids couldn't afford shoes anyways. Rosemary thought that all of it was dumb. So very dumb.

“You talk funny.” Neil said one day to her after practice, his forehead glimmering from where he'd been sweating. She glanced up at him, sure that this was the first sentence that he had ever spoken to her alone without any of his friends nearby. She felt a fiery force forming in her stomach, thinking that his statement was rather rude. 

“I don’t say nothin funny,” Rosemary corrected him hotly, “Ya’ll are the ones with the weird accents.” She snapped back, just as quickly. She’d been popped on the side of the mouth more than once by her parents because of the way she was always smarting off to them. She didn’t care who they were or who Neil thought he was. She was going to stick up for herself. 

“My bad,” Neil grinned, his blue eyes raking over her features, “I meant you sound different, pretty.” He said at last. She found her eyes narrowing as she examined him. She pressed her pom poms together.

“There’s a big difference between funny and pretty.” She said pointedly, still assuming that he was trying to make himself look better. Occasionally she’d hear other kids mocking her accent, which she thought was very dumb. Sometimes they’d act like she was dumber, just because of where she moved from. 

Neil nodded his head, looking like he understood exactly what she meant. She looked at him for a moment, taking in how his eyebrows were a lighter color than the rest of his hair. He had a slight dip in his nose, like he’d broken it more than once. She noticed a fading bruise against the side of his cheekbone. 

“What are you doing for prom?” He said at last, looking truly interested as he leaned against the wall. She crossed her arms over her chest, a little perplexed at what he was trying to get to. 

“Well, I don’t know,” She said honestly, “That’s months away. I haven’t even thought about it.” She glanced around as people passed by them. Technically, this wasn’t even her year to go to prom. Prom was for Seniors and Juniors and she was still a Sophomore. 

“Go with me.” He said simply, his lips curling up into a soft smile. She looked at him curiously, her eyebrows piercing together as she examined him. She chewed on her bottom lip, trying to hide how curious she was. He was interesting, that was for sure. 

“Are you asking or demanding?” She felt her own lips curling into a smile at the way he laughed. It was nice, deep and guttural. She noticed that his amusement didn’t meet his eyes. In fact, his eyes looked like they were hiding something else. She continued to chew on her lip, wondering what secrets he had hidden away. 

“Whichever you prefer.” He said slyly, watching her with a great amount of interest. Rosemary pondered it over for a second, reminding herself that no other boy had asked her to a dance. Surely, it wouldn’t be that bad to go to a dance with him. He was handsome, seemed to be sweet enough. She didn’t see him blowing through girls like some of the other boys in school did. What was the true harm?

“Alright,” She said at last. She felt a full smile forming on her lips this time, “I like sunflowers and the color blue.” She said gently, feeling a spark of excitement growing in her chest at the way he smiled at her.

//////////////////////

“You’re going to prom with who?” Her mom questioned her again, peeking up behind Rosemary in the mirror. Rosemary thought that she was short, but her mama stood a head shorter than her. She worked on framing her blonde hair over her forehead, hoping to cover her eyebrows. She hated how much darker they were than the rest of her hair. She had managed to get the ends to curl up in the way she wanted after nearly going through a whole can of hairspray. 

“His name is Neil,” Rosemary repeated for like the hundredth time, feeling like this conversation had run dry, “He’s really nice.” She told her mama quickly. She took one last look at her hair, making sure that not one inch was out of place. 

“But not nice enough to ask your father for permission?” Her mom said a little stern, the lines on her face pulling together in disbelief. Rosemary sighed deeply as she shook her head, knowing she’d be arguing with a wall over this subject again. Neil had been really sweet. They hadn’t done anything serious, but he had occasionally brought her dandelions. His biggest present had been a small, framed butterfly. She was almost horrified to find out that it was a real one. It was orange, with alternating colors of yellow and black patterns on its wings. It was pretty, but she thought it would’ve been prettier in the wild.

“Mama that’s so outdated,” Rosemary speaks up as she works on ensuring that her lipstick is bright and glossy, “You’ll meet him when he comes to pick me up.” She tries to dismiss her mama’s worries and hopes that she doesn’t do anything to embarrass her. 

“You won’t do nothing stupid will you?” Her mom questions, “You know you’re a pretty rose, but once that petal is picked…” She trails off, leaving the statement to ring around in Rosemary’s ears. She sighed deeply and was rolling her eyes before she could help it. Her mama’s hand connected with her shoulder, rolling her eyes back into place. 

“I know, mama,” Rosemary grins towards her as she rubs her now sore arm, “I won’t do nothin bad.” She promises, although she supposes it depends on what Neil wants to do. She doubts that he’ll even try anything. He seems to pour over his bible more than anyone she’d ever seen. Sometimes she'd just stare at him while he read, wondering if he was actually getting any information out of it. She used to get in trouble for falling asleep in church and couldn't imagine that someone would read it for fun. She kept her trap shut, however, not wanting to end up offending him. 

As she suspected, Neil gets along very well with both of her parents. He’s prim and proper, exactly what her family wants from her. He only speaks when spoken to and holds eye contact far better than anyone she’s ever met. She almost feels like he’s too mature for her and begins to wonder if this would be like taking her daddy to prom. She keeps the grumble inside of herself, hoping that Neil can liven up a bit. 

It had actually taken a lot from her to actually get him to dance with her. He seemed nervous, but she thought it was cute. He listened while she spoke and it seemed to work out well enough. About halfway through the night he seemed to gain his confidence and thus took control.

They had set out a blanket in the back of his truck bed and they’d both lost their virginities at the same time. She kept her mouth covered with her hand the whole time, because it really hurt that much. Even though Neil tried to stay slow and soft, she still felt like she was being ripped apart the whole time. She couldn't understand what girls were talking about when they said it felt good. All she felt was hurt and even went home bleeding and with a limp. 

She didn’t hear from him for a while after prom. She felt used, like she really had meant nothing to him. It worried her, thinking that he had ruined her from being with anyone else. She hid it to herself, knowing her parents would have her out of the state as soon as they heard about what had happened. 

Summer rolled around and Rosemary spent more time at the beach, just soaking in the sun and listening to the way the water crashed against the beach. She found solitude in being alone, not really feeling as if she truly belonged with any of her friends. She thought a lot about her former life as she rested here, wondering if anyone was taking care of Sugar Lips the way that she had. 

“Hey,” Neil interrupted her thoughts one sunny afternoon. She felt surprised after not hearing from him for so long, “What are you doing?” He asked her kindly. She scoffed as she turned away from him, looking back towards the clear blue sky instead. 

“What makes you interested in talking to me now?” She asks him sharply, feeling like he’d gotten what he wanted and then ran away. She says nothing else as Neil lingers behind her, clearly wanting to hear more from her. 

“We sinned.” He says at last. She feels her eyebrows raise on her forehead as she turns to look at him. She expected him to be joking but was surprised when he appeared to be completely serious. It almost makes her laugh.

“Oh boy,” Rosemary inhales deeply but feels a little stunned. She didn’t expect to find a bible thumper this far West. She’d say through many sermons listening to their preacher rant and rave over how terrible the people of California are. They all lived in sin, they were all sinners, “Don’t you Catholics just confess your little problems away to a preacher?”

“Priest,” He corrects her, like it’s a big difference, “Are you not a Christian?” He looks a little worried by her question. She laughs, wondering if that would make this whole situation worse for him. 

“I am,” She tells him quickly, “Just a Baptist.” She shrugs her shoulders. She didn’t think it was that big of a deal. Religion was religion. She couldn’t say that she had ever been too interested in it. She thought it was silly that you could be a part of a religion for your whole life, only for it to be the wrong God and therefore you would be sentenced to damnation. It wasn’t fair that they had to search out answers on their own. 

“My bad,” Neil smiles as he joins her on the ground, “I just needed to figure some things out.” She looks at him, noticing the welt on his cheek. His hair isn’t as tightly styled this time and blows around with the warm winds from the ocean. 

“Did you?” She asked him seriously, feeling very drawn to know more about him. Perhaps it was because he was the one she’d lost her virginity to, or simply because he was the only boy who had ever paid attention to her. She wanted to know more about him. 

“I did,” He nods his head in confirmation, “Turns out I’m really crazy about you.” He said with a grin, showing off his pearly white teeth. 

Their second time's a little better, a little rushed but it doesn’t hurt Rosemary nearly as bad. She lets him take her on the hard ground, trusting that he’ll treat her as soft and gentle as he can. She’s still sore afterwards and still can’t understand why everyone wants to have sex. She still doesn’t really feel anything other than a sticky feeling between her legs. 

Neil doesn’t avoid her this time around. He comes over more often, speaks to her parents a little more and has loud promises of marrying her and treating her well. She smiles and goes along with it, but deep down she begins to wonder if this is what she really wanted. She would turn sixteen at the end of September and didn’t really know if she was ready to spend the rest of her life with someone at such a young age. 

Rosemary had started her period later than most girls that she knew. It had been right before her fifteenth birthday and up until this time, had normally arrived at the same time each month. It was almost two weeks past when she should’ve got it and she was too fearful to admit what that might mean. She decided to wait, hoping that her period would come on her next cycle. 

“AnneMarie,” Rosemary turned towards her, “Why did we move?” She was laying in bed with AnneMarie, hoping to pry her from her dungeon of a room. She hadn’t finished school and spent most of her days lying in bed and just staring at the yellow walls. 

They’d been close before they moved, but whatever had happened had left AnneMarie a shell of a person that she once was. Sometimes it was like she went days without eating. She was thin and always seemed to be sick. Sometimes Rosemary would just lay in here with her in hopes that AnneMarie might sprout out into her normal self. 

“I did something dumb,” She continued to pick and tear at the magazine she was holding. It was an odd habit, but Rosemary was glad it kept AnneMarie from yanking her hair from her scalp. She was beginning to look like she was balding, “You remember Damien?” AnnMarie turned towards her quickly, her eyes wide like she was holding a secret. 

“The preacher's son?” Rosemary asked her softly. She knew who Damien was. Whatever had happened between the two of them had been bad enough for them to leave behind everything. Rosemary felt her shoulders sagging as she thought of the many farm animals they’d left behind. She missed Sugar Lips the most. 

“I got pregnant,” She said softly, “Mama and Daddy got rid of it.” AnneMarie gulped hard as she tugged a little harder at the magazine paper. The sound echoed in the room as the realization settled onto Rosemary. 

“Oh,” Rosemary breathed in deeply, “You mean they.. Oh.” She couldn’t finish her sentence. She knew what an abortion was, but she hadn’t ever known anyone that had gone through with it. She looked at AnneMarie for a moment, thinking that everything suddenly made sense. She’d heard that a lot of women died from them. 

“Yeah.” AnneMarie says softly. She drops the magazine and begins to pull at the fingers at her skin again. Rosemary takes a hold of her hand gently, fighting with her for a few minutes before AnneMarie is humming again and ripping at her magazine pages. 

“Do you regret it?” Rosemary almost hates to ask as she doesn’t want to upset AnneMarie anymore, but she needs to know. Rosemary is scared suddenly, thinking that she could end up in the same boat as AnneMarie; rotting away in her room. 

“I think I would’ve been a good mom,” AnneMarie said at last, “And I didn’t get to make that decision on my own.” She twists the paper up into tiny shapes until Rosemary can no longer see it.

“I’m sorry.”  Rosemary said honestly as she leans forward to rest her chin against AnneMarie’s shoulder. She keeps her nose still, even though AnneMarie is starting to sink again. Baths are always a struggle and Rosemary now wonders if it’s because those are usually forced too. 

“Why do you ask?” AnneMarie asks, almost in an accusing tone as she stares Rosemary down. Rosemary shakes her head no, trying to play off her worries. 

“Just curious,” Rosemary brushed off her question, “I never got a straight answer before.” She tries to defend her curiosity as she buries her fear deep inside of herself. She reminds herself that it’s just her missing her period, nothing else. 

“In lack of better terms,” AnneMarie’s grin is full of mischief, “It was my fault.”

///////////////

“We have an issue.” Rosemary spits out as soon as she shuts the door behind her. She knows it won’t be long before Edith, Neil’s mom, walks upstairs and opens it again. Rosemary likes Edith well enough, but her husband was rude. 

“Well, come on in,” Neil huffed underneath his breath, “What do you mean we?” He looks up from his textbooks, a new bruise has already formed on the other side of his cheek. She breathed in quickly, feeling so nervous that her heart may stop working. 

“I’m pregnant.” She spits it out quickly, but makes sure to keep her voice lowered in case Edith happened to be eavesdropping. She had recently been sporting two black eyes. Rosemary was beginning to fear what kind of families her child would be raised in.

Rosemary didn’t know how to find out if she was really pregnant, but she knew that she was. She still had yet to have a period, her breasts had been sore and felt like they were growing and not to mention the vomiting she’d been experiencing in the mornings. 

“What?” Neil’s eyes are wide, horrified as he stared up at her. He drops his pencil and it slowly rolls across his floorboards. Rosemary exhales sharply, feeling a little more irritated than she should. 

“There is a baby growing inside of me,” She said slowly, “Your baby. You knocked me up.” She motions between the two of them, hoping that he’ll be able to connect the dots. She was sure that she was clear enough when she told him she was pregnant. 

“I understood the first time.” Neil dismisses her, looking a little offended at her tone. She blames it on her jitters but she’s snapping back just as quickly. 

“You were the one asking me,” She said back quickly, “What do we do?” She asks him seriously. She doesn’t admit how scared she felt at the moment. AnneMarie’s story terrified her. Trying to find out about any more abortion stories was nearly impossible. It seemed that everyone wanted to keep their experience hidden away, or they were dead. Rosemary was terrified she was going to die. 

“You act like I have an answer?” Neil holds his hands together, looking up at her in confusion. She blinked a few times, unsure if she had heard him right. She wouldn’t be going through this pregnancy alone. She was sure that as soon as her parents found out they’d be trying to put her through the same thing they did to AnneMarie. 

“Well,” She drew out shortly, “I’m sorry for trying to seek reassurance that you won’t leave me.” She responded as she straightened her shoulders a bit. She held her chin high, waiting for him to accuse her of cheating or being a whore. Neil just stared at her with a slack jaw. 

“Shit,” He said after a brief pause, “My old man is going to kill me.” He says instead, bringing no reassurance as he pushes his fingers through his slicked back hair. Rosemary huffed underneath her breath. 

“You better be leaving behind a good will then,” Rosemary fires back, “What am I supposed to do?” She asks him seriously, feeling like her world was slowly falling apart around her. Neil shook his head for a moment before he looked at her seriously. 

“We’ll figure this out,” He promises her, “Together.”

////////////////

Neil’s father passed away a few weeks later, long before either of them were even ready to announce that they were having a baby. Rosemary was terrified, but thought that perhaps this situation would be a little easier. Neil’s dad scared her.

“He just blew his fucking brains out,” Neil said in disbelief after the funeral, his eyes looking sorrowful as he spoke, “I hope he’s rotting in hell.” All Rosemary could do was rub his back, because she really wasn’t sure what to say to make him feel better. 

Despite their complicated relationship, his father had left him everything. Including the house. Once Edith caught wind that Rosemary was pregnant she started searching elsewhere, looking for a new place to live. Rosemary had tried to protest as she would’ve been more than happy to have Edith continue living there. Rosemary’s grandparents had lived with them for the longest time, up until they passed. It was nice to have the extra support with a baby. Edith had only said that she didn’t want to raise another baby. 

Rosemary’s parents, as expected, had not been thrilled at all. By the time she announced to them that she was pregnant, she was too far along for them to drag her off and have it secretly removed. Instead, they shunned her. She’d returned home from school one afternoon with all of her things tossed outside the door and the locks changed. They had yet to contact her. 

“Are you sure you want to live here?” She asked, feeling like he had become more gloomy the more that they moved their items into the house. He’d lived here his whole life and it was big and spacious. Rosemary thought it would be nice to have a baby here. 

“Why wouldn’t we?” Neil grumbled in response. She hadn’t seen him get angry, this had been the closest to it. She wished he’d open up a little more, let her know what he was feeling. She thought that she could help him. 

“You’ve just said before that there wasn’t many pleasant memories.” She told him softly. She thought that they could sell the house, find something better. It didn’t really matter to her. Houses were all the same, four walls and a roof. 

“We’ll make good memories of our own,” Neil says quickly, “He’s dead anyways. He can’t bother me anymore.” He tried to brush away her worries, but his words only left her with more concern. 

Edith left a bunch of things behind, such as the furniture and the appliances. Rosemary didn’t mind, although it did take a long time to rid the house of the stinky cigars that Neil’s father would smoke. She spent most of the nights on her own, up until midnight when Neil would return from work. 

It felt weird to have a home and be so young. Rosemary pinned over all the rooms until she finally decided on the perfect one for the nursery. She painted the walls, set up the crib and looked for decorations all on her own. Neil tried to assist but the two of them had very different ideas on what they wanted for their baby. Rosemary thought she should get the deciding factor as she was the one carrying the baby. 

“I think I know the gender of our baby.” She said happily one afternoon when they’d both gotten off from school. She rubbed her bump happily, liking the way the baby would kick and flutter around inside. Neil never liked to touch her stomach like that, he claimed that it was odd. Rosemary thought that he was silly and spoiled her baby bump on her own. Occasionally she'd get an elderly woman or a younger child that would ask to touch and she'd always gleefully let them. 

“What is it?” He looks over curiously as he scrubbed his dish clean. He was getting ready to head into one of his second jobs, which Rosemary was sure consisted of scraping fish guts off of a boats floor. She’d offered to work but he kept telling her no. 

“Oh lord,” Rosemary shook her head, “You can’t call our baby an it.” She told him quickly as she ran her hands up and down her baby bump again. Neil never wanted to talk about names either and had promised that she could have the sole decision. She wasn't sure how to feel about it, but she didn’t protest either. 

“I don’t know the gender.” Neil furrowed his eyebrows in confusion as he dried his hands off with a towel. Rosemary sighed, trying not to let his avoidant words disturb her own happiness. 

“A boy,” Rosemary said at last, still shaking her head at him, “Look at how high I’m carrying.” She said, making a point to turn around and show her baby bump off again. She could remember her mama talking about those sorts of things when other women would get pregnant in their hometown. 

“I think a girl would be easier to care for.” Neil doesn’t look very impressed as his eyes gaze towards her stomach. It’s an odd statement, as she’d always heard that men only wanted sons. She breathed in through her nostrils, still determined to not want Neil to ruin her mood. 

“Well,” She smiled brightly as she rubbed her tummy, “I’m supposed to have two boys anyways.” She spills the news, feeling like it was fine to share with him. It was too late for him to run off anyways. She had an engagement ring and his child growing inside of her. 

“How could you know that?” Neil scoffs, like it’s the most ridiculous thing he’d ever heard. She feels her shoulders sag a little bit before she adjusts herself again. She reminds herself to think positive. 

“The ring test,” Rosemary sighed again as Neil turned towards her clueless, “You take your wedding ring and loop a piece of hair through it. There’s a certain pattern you follow across your hand and depending on how the ring spins that correlates with the gender. It stops on its own too.” She explained quickly. She didn't have a wedding ring yet, but she didn't think it had to be that precise. 

“Right,” Neil snorted softly, “I think we’ll just have to wait until the baby is born.”

/////////////////

“I was hoping I could take my finals a little early,” She approached the principal, feeling shaky as she did so. She didn’t want to repeat her Junior year when she clearly already knew the material, “Or at least be able to do some things from home?” She pondered instead. She was sure that she could do her homework from the house because she was too afraid to leave the baby with someone else. 

“We don’t offer homeschooling,” The principal looked up towards her, “It’s a backwards practice.” He tells her, continuing to look down at the papers in front of her. He doesn’t offer her another option, instead he flicks over to the next paper. 

“So can I take my tests early?” She asks after a short pause. She raises her eyebrows in confusion, unsure of why the principal was making it so hard to discuss something simple. 

“Why?” The principal finally glances up towards her, looking irritated that she had come in here in the first place. Rosemary felt her cheeks burning as the anger began to boil inside of her chest. She thought it was fairly obvious, but perhaps he couldn’t see very well. Or hear any of the rumors. 

“Well,” Rosemary couldn’t help herself as she stood and made a point to motion towards her huge pregnancy bump, “I’m afraid I’ll have a baby at that time.” She said a little dryly, making it as obvious as she could. A look of offense crossed the principal's features. 

“I suppose that’s a you problem,” The principal smiled towards her as he rested his chin on his fingertips, “You can repeat next year if you return.” The bastard grinned at her, like it was the easiest solution. She felt her heart sinking, knowing she should’ve done better to control her anger. 

“There’s only two months left,” Rosemary replied through gritted teeth, “You can’t do that.” She said seriously, feeling like it wasn’t fair that she’d have to redo so much schooling. She could do it at home and do fine, she knows she could. 

“We can,” The principal seemed to be growing more bored by the second, “There is no law against it. This baby is yours and only yours. You deal with it.” Rosemary didn’t go back after that. She didn’t see what was so important about finishing until her due date if she was just going to redo the school year anyways.

As she grew closer to her due date, she grew more worried. Neil was finishing school and working two jobs, she was fearful that he wouldn’t be here when she went into labor. She didn’t want to go through it alone, but that seemed to be the route she was going in. Her mother wasn’t speaking to her and AnneMarie had created distance between them. There was Edith, but Rosemary didn’t think that they were that close. 

“You’ll hold my hand, won’t you?” Rosemary asked Neil one night as she thought over how painful she’d heard labor could be. She rubbed her hand over her belly again, feeling the way the baby moved against her hand.

“I don’t think you’ll need that,” Neil shrugged her off, always the least keen for intimacy, “You’ll do fine.” She nodded her head, once again confirmed that this baby would only be hers. 

1967

“What are you doing?” Neil asked, looking at Rosemary baffled. She knitted her eyebrows together as she looked at him.

“Eating.” She said simply as she dipped the spoon back into a jar of peanut butter. She slowly began to smother it on her chicken tender.

“That looks nasty.” Neil commented, a look of disgust wrinkled across his features as he watched her. She rolled her eyes softly.

“It’s good,” She said simply, “Don’t you have work?” She replied, feeling a little grumpy as she bit into her food. Neil had been irritating her lately. She figured it had to do with the fact that she was due any day. She felt huge and her ankles and feet were now swollen. Not that she could see them anyways.

“Right,” Neil kissed the top of her head, though he was grimacing, “Call my mom if anything happens.” She nods her head in agreement, not wanting to mention that Edith was usually busy at this time of day. Her nerves were high, but she usually diminished them by eating. She was convinced that this baby would be fat. She was huge. Her ankles were constantly swollen, and her belly protruded so much that she felt like a turtle on its back when she had to rise from her seat. 

She'd just made her second rounds with the laundry when it happened. She'd felt a movement in her stomach, like the baby had dropped and settled lower. She straightened herself out quickly enough before she felt a gush of liquid dripping down her thighs. She had been horrified at first, fearing that she had suddenly peed herself. It took another second for her to realize that her water broke and another minute for her to clean up the mess and write Neil a quick note. 

She didn't have her license, but that didn't stop her from driving Neil's truck to the hospital. They were working on getting another car but figured it would be easier after the baby was born. Neil had been carpooling the past week, saving it for her just to be safe. She was grateful, although by the time she arrived she was a crying mess. She was panicking, sure that she wasn't able to actually do this.

Rosemary forgot all of her worries the moment she held Billy in her arms. She knew instantly that his name was William and that he would be a very special boy. He barely cried, only when he was hungry. He didn’t mind being passed around or held by others. In fact, he seemed to enjoy being snuggled. Rosemary always held him the longest because he really was her baby. 

He had a head full of blonde hair, bright blue eyes surrounded by thick eyelashes and the cutest little nose she’d ever seen. His tummy was soft, and round and he always had the tightest grip around her fingers. She didn’t say it out loud to Neil, but she thought Billy looked like a little version of herself. She promised Billy in secret that she’d never let anything bad happen to him. 

"He's fat." Neil stated, the first statement to leave his lips once he finally arrived at the hospital. Edith was standing in the room and Rosemary was sure that she was waiting for her turn to hold Billy. Rosemary was being selfish. She had yet to let anyone else hold him. He was just so cute, so warm and soft as she continued to snuggle him to her chest. Rosemary turned to Neil quickly.

"He's not fat," She corrected him quickly, thinking that Billy was the perfect size. He was eight pounds and 20 inches tall. She looked down at Billy again, admiring the way his eyes fluttered underneath his eyelids. She wondered if he was dreaming, "He's perfect." She proclaimed happily. 

"You should wake him up," Edith said suddenly, "He's been sleeping for a while. He needs to cry; it'll strengthen his lungs." She seemed adamant with her reasoning, speaking like Rosemary needed to jolt Billy awake at this very moment. Rosemary felt her lips forming into a frown this time as she looked down at Billy. He looked too peaceful to wake. She shook her head, deciding that she'd raise Billy how she wanted to do it. 

Neil still worked a lot, but Rosemary didn’t mind. As soon as he dropped her off from the hospital, she took Billy to his nursery and tried on every single one of his outfits that he owned. She knew that he wasn’t a doll, but he looked as cute as one. Some outfits were still far too big, a few of them a little tight around his round tummy. She photographed him in every single outfit, wanting to see how he’d compare in a few months. She took a lot of pictures of him, all the time.

Edith had warned her about holding him too much, but Rosemary couldn’t really see what the issue was. He kept her company while Neil finished school and worked his odd jobs. She’d bounce him in her arms as the radio played on and she’d sing for hours and hours. She thought that maybe if they hadn’t moved, that she would’ve had a chance to become one of those rising stars in Nashville. She thought her voice was good enough.

Well, Billy did for sure. His eyes were always wide and full of interest and adoration when she’d sing to him. She’d sing him anything. From The Beatles to jazz and old country music. She’d always gauge his reaction from the way he wrinkled his nose and how he’d sigh through his nostrils when he was bored. He was an expressive baby, that was for sure. 

Nights were the hardest for her. Neil refused to get up when Billy whined and cried, saying that it wasn’t his job because he had to work and finish school. Rosemary never protested because she honestly didn’t know if she trusted Neil to take care of Billy in that way. Majority of the time Billy was just hungry. He ate about every two hours before he’d drift back into sleep. Sometimes she’d fall asleep in the rocking chair in his room. 

“Not like that,” She criticized Neil, watching the awkward way he was holding Billy in his arms, “You have to support his neck.” Neil wasn’t interested much in holding Billy, but she’d finally cornered him into it. She didn’t want Billy to not connect with him. 

“Well, why can’t he?” Neil had snapped back, looking frustrated as Billy squirmed in his arms. She gave Neil an irritated look, feeling like he was asking a very, very dumb question. She shook her head, trying to calm herself before she spoke up.

“He’s a baby, look,” She told him quickly, beginning to reposition Billy in his arms again. Billy finally settled, stretching his little arms out as he yawned widely after finding a comfortable position in Neil’s arms. Neil’s eyes were wide, his movements stiff as if he was afraid to move while holding him, “You can breathe. He’s not that breakable.” She laughed softly, feeling like it had been their first normal interaction in months.

“You’re a big guy, aren't you?” Neil asked him, a hint of a smile curling on his lips as he rocked Billy back and forth. Rosemary wasn’t sure if he was referencing Billy’s tight grip with his fists or his chubby rolls and tummy. Billy could eat, that was for sure.

“Isn’t he perfect?” She sighed dreamily as she ran her hands through Billy’s soft baby hair. A grin formed on his face, his little body shivering in Neil’s arms from her actions. They both laughed and Rosemary had a feeling everything would be alright from now on.

////////////

“It’s not fair!” AnneMarie was shouting, tears in her eyes as she glared at Rosemary, “I couldn’t keep my baby, but you do? They’ve always favored you.” Rosemary was tired, frustrated from this same old conversation that had been repeated from the past few weeks. She hadn’t been the one to make AnneMarie get an abortion. Her heart hurt for her sister, but it had been her parents that had done it.

She winced as the boiling water splashed against her hand at the same time as she reached to turn the burner off. She sighed, feeling like the house had only grown messier and messier. She wasn’t sure why AnneMarie had come over in such a haste, but it was bad timing. Billy had been teething, crankier than usual as he began to gnaw and chew on everything. Rosemary had been bitten more than once and was beginning to struggle to nurse him because of how sore her breasts had become. Not to mention Neil’s awful mood swings lately. Rosemary felt like she had no rest and was running on fumes. She’d like a break. 

“Mama and Papa aren’t speaking to me,” Rosemary said, turning to check on the food while Billy rattled a spoon against a pot and pan. He was growing too fast, already sitting up on his own and babbling little words. Rosemary had pleaded with him to slow down on his growth, but he had only giggled in response as he rolled around in his crib, “No one is favoring anyone.” She reminded her sister sternly. 

“I’m four years older; you’re still a child,” AnneMarie walked around the table, gripping Rosemary’s wrists a little too tightly as she looked at her pleadingly, “I could raise him for you.” Rosemary felt as if she had been slapped as she looked into AnnMarie’s green eyes. She froze as she looked down at where her fingers were wrapped around her wrist.

Rosemary had always been honest with AnneMarie. It was a struggle sometimes. She missed school and hated that she had been unable to finish it. She’d asked Neil about going back to finish a few times, but he quickly dismissed her. She knew it would be too hard with Billy being so young. She’d spent her seventeenth birthday with Billy, making her own cupcakes and wondering if her parents were even thinking about her. 

“Excuse me?” She asked quietly, her voice coming out in a warning manner. She looked at her sister seriously, hoping that she had only messed up her words. Surely, AnneMarie wasn’t serious. Billy yelled, drawing both of their attention away from each other as he loudly banged the spoon onto the pan. He giggled, looking to Rosemary to wait for her reaction. She smiled, although her heart was racing, and her veins were cold. 

“You could finish school and get a nice job. You’re so young,” AnneMarie’s eyes were sorrowful, full of tears as she spoke again, “You can have more children. I can’t.” She spoke bitterly, full of heart as if she was reimagining what had happened to her. Rosemary felt bad, terrible as she took in her sister’s words. She acted as if it was some easy trade. 

“No,” Rosemary shook her head, “You’re not thinking straight. You need to go. Right now.” She pulled herself away, quickly scooping Billy up from the floor. He giggled as he held onto her as he tried to fit the wooden spoon into his mouth. He was oblivious to the tension as he rolled his head back to rest on Rosemary’s shoulder. She looked down at him and from this angle she could see the baby teeth that were beginning to protrude.

“I’m begging you,” AnneMarie had tears rolling down her cheeks, “I can care for him better than you ever could.” Rosemary felt a gasp forming in her chest as she stared in disbelief, unsure if AnneMarie had really said that or not. Her words hurt, no matter how badly AnneMarie tried to play them off. Rosemary was doing her best, doing all that she could to make sure that Billy had a happy and safe life. 

“Go,” Rosemary told her sternly, holding Billy to her chest, “Now.” She was so angry she felt like she could scream, but she wouldn’t do that in front of Billy. She followed AnneMarie to the door, not caring that she was crying as she slammed the door behind her. She locked it and moved the little table in front of it, just for good measure. 

She locked the doors and windows every night after that, even though Neil thought she was silly. It didn’t matter to her. She was terrified to lose Billy, especially to have someone whisk him away from her. He was her baby, and she wouldn’t let anything happen to him. 

1968

She had forgotten what they were arguing about, but she was certain it had been something dumb. It was always something dumb anymore. Her and Neil couldn’t agree on anything. He had changed so much since they’d first gotten together. This wasn’t the Neil she knew, the one that she once cared for. She swore she’d never seen him angry before and it was like there was a monster lurking in his place. 

The first time he hit her she hadn’t been expecting it. She hadn’t expected Neil to yell at her the first time he’d done so either. Perhaps she just pretended not to see the signs, blurred them for her vision so she could continue to act like they were happy and in love. Although, she wasn’t sure if she had ever loved Neil. They were bound together through Billy, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t make it work. 

Her ears rang as her head was knocked in the other direction. Her mind was fuzzy for just a second, just a split second before her fingers were curling into fists. She was blinded by anger as she began to blindly strike at him, smacking and hitting whatever she could get a hold of.

“Don’t you ever touch me like that again!” She was pounding her fists against his shoulders, kicking his shins as he tried to push her away from him, “You bastard! Who do you think you are?” She demanded of him, her cheek burning from where he had slapped her. Her fingers knit into his hair, grabbing it so roughly that he was momentarily distracted from the pain. She took the time to smack him twice across the face, her palms stinging from how harshly their skin had connected. 

She yelped as he backhanded her, his fingers gripping her neck tightly as he slammed her against the wall. Her feet dragged against the floor from how rough his movements were, the pictures that she had hung up fell onto the hardwood floor in a loud crash of glass. 

“Your husband,” He said harshly as he gripped the base of her throat, “And you better learn to respect me.” His eyes were dilated in fury, his lips curling as if she was the disgusting one. He wagged a finger in front of her and had it not been from his grip on her neck, she was sure she would’ve bit it off. 

“I don’t care who you are,” She seethed back, wincing as he slammed her head back against the wall again, “You touch me like that again and I’ll knock your teeth out.” She told him honestly, not caring that he was her husband or twice her size. 

It went on for months. He’d scream at her, she’d scream back. He’d hit her, she’d smack him back. It was like he was testing her, seeing how far he could push her until she’d eventually back down. She didn’t. She wasn’t born to feel like she was below him. 

She thought that it irritated him that she didn’t fit into the same mold as his friends' wives. She didn’t find the point in making his plate for him, in doing his laundry and waking him up for work. She didn't wear makeup every day or dress herself in heels the way the other housewives would. She thought that if he wanted her to baby him, he could move back in with his mother.

She was sure that in his eyes, she was wild and untamed. She figured he thought that he could fix her, make her see the light. She thought that he was a fool. She didn’t need fixing. She was fine being herself.

It wasn't until he brought up the prospect of leaving her that she really began to switch her attitude. She knew what it meant without him saying anything. He would take Billy from her, and she’d never see him again.

She started behaving more to his standards after that. She woke him up for work, fixed his tie and served him his plate through clenched teeth. Sometimes she'd watch him eat and wondered if he could taste the spit that she'd mixed in with his food. There were many times she thought about punching him in his arrogant face. She wished she could run, but she had nowhere to go.

Her parents hadn’t spoken to her since she’d left. She hadn’t received one letter or phone call, not even a response when she’d written to inform them about Billy’s birth. AnneMarie still wasn’t talking to her, but Rosemary didn’t think she was an option anyways. She still feared that she’d try to run off with Billy. She had no one. She was alone.

So, she sucked it up. The more she listened to Neil, the less likely he was to get angry and the less likely he was to hit her. It wasn’t too bad for a while, he even seemed apologetic without saying so. However, it was hard to keep him happy. If she was acting right, then she wasn’t dressing right. It was like she wasn’t even a person, just something that Neil could bend to his will however he pleased. 

Billy seemed to be the only person who understood her, and he could barely speak and was still in diapers. He always held onto Rosemary’s every word, his eyes wide and filled with wonder. She didn’t feel quite so crazy when she was speaking to him. 

“Oh, let’s try something new,” Rosemary cooed as Billy grunted from his highchair. She was always impressed with how well he ate, how he was always eager to eat more things, “Are you excited?” She grinned, watching the way he made grabby hands and began to kick his feet back and forth.

Rosemary kept thinking he was getting too big, but when she compared him to other babies, he actually seemed to be fairly small. Neither her nor Neil were very tall. He was about average height and Rosemary was short. It made her wonder how big Billy would be.

“Ah!” He grunted again, kicking his feet a little wilder to gain her attention. She laughed, blowing on the scoop of scrambled eggs one more time before she placed it into his mouth. Right away his face contorted into disgust as he slowly chewed on it. He wiggled his tongue across the roof of his mouth, looking like he couldn’t make sense of the flavor before he began to gag on it.

“Oh boy,” Rosemary watched unsure for a moment, making sure that he wasn’t actually choking as she watched him continue to chew then swallow. He turned towards her, grunting again as he opened his mouth, “Are you sure?” She asked, knowing full well that he couldn’t answer her. 

She brought another bite up to his mouth, but it resulted in the same disgusted facial features. Billy gagged again, squinting his eyes together as a new look of revulsion spread across his features. 

“Is that a no then?” She asks, a little amused. He quickly shakes his head again before he was leaning in and holding his mouth open wide. Although Rosemary can still see the traces of disgust on his features, “You can say no.” She says slowly as she brings another bite up to his mouth.

His whole body contorts in disgust this time, his blue eyes wide and glossy as he rolls the eggs around in his mouth with his tongue. He gags again, little pieces of egg falling from his lips. He looked miserable. Rosemary dropped the spoon, deciding that eggs were a no go. Despite all of that, Billy opens his mouth again. 

“I’ll get you something else,” She told him quickly as he began to whine and groan in protest, acting like he’s starving, "Calm down, silly.” She tries to reassure him. When she finally returns with a thing of baby food, he’s red in the face and squeaking like the piglets she used to raise. 

 For his first Birthday she’d made him a shark cake. It was slightly messy, and the design was a little off, but Billy had still eaten it through his chubby fists and giggled and gurgled in happiness. He made her feel like everything would be alright. She’d made his present, a blue quilt. It wasn’t in the best shape, but she figured she could make better ones for him when he got older. 

“He made a fucking mess.” Neil had commented, noticing the blue icing that was decorated across Billy’s cheeks and through his hair. Rosemary felt proud when she looked at Billy. She had never seen such a happy, grateful baby before. He was always willing to be held by others, even though he always crawled back towards Rosemary in the end. Mama had been his first word, then nana. She hoped Neil realized what that meant. 

“He just turned one,” Rosemary had responded with a bright smile through clenched teeth, “Do you always have to be so negative? Can you just try to be happy for once?” She asked, tilting her head as she continued to talk through a sweet tone. Neil’s eyes narrowed but he said nothing, keeping his answer a secret from her. 

1969

As Billy grows, so does his energy. Before she knows it, he’s up walking and stumbling throughout the house. He moves a lot and he moves fast, constantly making Rosemary search through the various rooms to figure out where he’d been hiding this time.

Naps became harder and harder to put him down for. It was like he feared that he’d be missing out on something while he slept. He'd cry and whine in protest and if Rosemary ever did succeed in putting him down on his own, he'd end up stumbling out of bed searching for her anyways. Half the time, Rosemary ended up curling up with him on the couch or on her bed and snoozing with him. It was the only time he really napped.

She thought that he was still tinier than most babies his age, but his doctor says he’s growing fine. Billy is perfectly healthy and still the happiest little baby she’s ever met. She likes to pepper kisses all over his cheeks, because it makes him squeal in glee. 

Dressing him becomes harder and harder as well. He’s determined that he only ever needs to wear his diaper and he whimpers and cries every time she slides socks and shoes onto him. She eventually gives up with the shoes, figuring that he won’t really be running around in public anyways. Not to mention it gives her easy access to kiss his cute little baby toes. It always makes him giggle loudly too. 

Neil remained the same, if not worse. Last week he had humiliated her in a way she’d never been humiliated before. He had forced her over his knee and spanked her the way her daddy used to when she had been bad. She had screamed and cried the whole time and scratched at his leg until she'd drawn blood. She never wanted him to touch her again. 

“Maybe,” Rosemary approached Neil, feeling a little nervous to bring the subject up. Her bottom was still sore, “Once Billy can attend school I could go back?” She asked hopefully, still feeling like she wanted to finish her own education. It was important to her. 

“Why would you need to finish school?” Neil cocked an eyebrow as she looked towards her. Billy was resting on his lap, his little eyelashes fluttering as he continued to drift in and out of sleep as bedtime quickly approached. Neil’s loose grip on him made her nervous. 

“Well, it would keep me busy,” She says in a teasing way, knowing that sometimes Neil accused her of being a busybody, “And it would help me get a good job.” She said at last, knowing that she couldn’t stay in this house forever. Billy would grow up eventually, no matter how badly she wanted him to stay this small. 

“You don’t need a job,” Neil looked up at her harshly, “I work, you take care of the boy and the house. That’s the way things should be done. You don’t need to go to fucking school.” Neil shook his head, letting Rosemary know that there would be no more discussion about school. She fell onto the couch, trying to hide her disappointment as she began to sort through the various patterns for her next quilt.

////////////////

Rosemary started doing baking sales and sells cakes for birthday parties to make a little bit of her own money. When people aren’t looking for sweets, she decides to pick up on babysitting the neighborhood kids. She figures it’s not that big of a deal, as she has to watch Billy anyways. 

There’s one little girl though, Sally, that Rosemary can’t stand. She tries to be as polite as she can, but every time Sally is over Rosemary feels like she’s lost a year or two of her life. Sally is mean, tells the other kids what to do and throws a tantrum when they don’t listen. 

Rosemary particularly doesn’t like how she always tries to make Billy cry. Sally purposely pokes at him until he gets irritated, steals his pacifier and mocks his baby babbles. The last straw was when Rosemary had caught her nudging Billy’s shoulders until he fell over on his bottom. Rosemary could no longer watch her and she hoped that Sally’s family would move far away.

“Little man,” Neil peered down, watching the way Billy was gripping his pant legs and bouncing up and down, “Did you give him sugar?” Neil asked curiously, looking less than amused as Billy began to babble and talk in his shrill baby voice. She grinned, thinking that Billy was adorable. 

“No,” Rosemary glanced over from the dinner she was working on, “He doesn’t really like sweets.” She admitted, thinking about the way that his nose would wrinkle up when she’d give him bits of icing. He seemed to prefer savory foods. Though, she had found out that he did enjoy pies. 

“Why’s he so hyper?” Neil asked, bending over to pick Billy up. He held him in his arms, watching as Billy continued to bounce in his hands. Rosemary thought that Neil must be fairly dumb to not notice that Billy acted that way all the time. He was a ball of energy, there was no stopping it. 

“I guess he’s just excited to see you,” Rosemary said casually, “That makes someone.” She mumbled underneath her breath, wondering who she had to ask to make Neil disappear forever. 

They get married that Winter, although she’s not as excited as she should be. She knows this means that she’ll be stuck to Neil forever, but she decides it’s better for Billy. Her dress is simple, a little too long for her but it works. It has short sleeves and a lace bodice and is just a little too baggy for her petite frame. 

“Oh my,” She grins as she bends over to hold one of Billy’s chunky fists, “Don’t you look so handsome?” He’s in his own little suit and keeps wrinkling his nose as he wiggles around in it. He’d taken off his jacket a handful of times, but Neil and Edith had put it on each time. Rosemary was sure that Billy was moments away from stripping down completely. 

“Mama!” He grins wildly, “Pwetty.” He says with a joyous grin as he pokes his little finger against the sunflower that’s pinned onto her dress. She smiles as she kisses the top of his head, happy that she’d at least have him. 

“He looks a lot like Neil.” Edith says. Rosemary tries to keep from expressing her discomfort. She thinks that Billy looks like her, no matter what anyone else says. He’ll act like her too. She’s sure of it. 

1970

“Arnica oil,” Rosemary looked over surprised, taken aback by the soft voice that spoke up, “To help with that bruise.” The woman spoke up, a tired look in her eyes as she held onto a little girl's hand. Billy dipped behind Rosemary’s legs, hiding his head behind her skirt. 

“Oh,” Rosemary said softly, moving her hand up towards her cheek. She felt embarrassed for a moment, thinking that she had covered it fairly well, “Thank you.” For some reason she couldn’t find it in her to snap at the redhead. She had on a hospital uniform, telling Rosemary that she had seen worse things than bruises.

“Mhm,” She bent down, scanning the lower shelves. Billy dipped his head from behind Rosemary’s legs, looking over with interest at the little girl that stood next to the woman. She had the same red hair and brown eyes, “It’ll take care of the swelling.” She explained as she scanned for the cheapest food items. 

“Mommy,” The little girl tugged on the other woman’s arm, a bashful expression on her features as she pointed, “Please?” She asked softly, referencing the box of cookies. Rosemary felt a smile curling onto her lips as she was momentarily reminded of how badly she wanted a daughter at one point. She glanced back towards Billy, noticing the curious look in his eyes. 

“You and your sweets,” The woman said with a smile, brushing her nose against the little girls, “Your teeth are going to fall out.” She teased her gently, but neglected to actually grab the cookies. Rosemary watched how the little girls eyes grew into saucers.

“Ouch,” Billy commented, looking up at Rosemary, “Me too?” He asked curiously, opening his mouth wide so he could show off his pearly teeth. She laughed, feeling it rumble deep inside of her chest. Billy always managed to make her feel better somehow. 

“I think your teeth are fine,” She ran a hand through his hair, shaking it softly to earn a giggle from him, “We better go. Thank you again.” She nodded her head towards the woman, noticing how she had swooped the little girl into her arms. She waved towards Rosemary, her lips bending into a smile that didn’t reach her eyes. 

“Bye!” Billy exclaimed happily, tugging on Rosemary’s arm before he let out a shriek giggle. The little girl smiled before she quickly wrapped her arms around her mother and buried her face in the crook of her mother’s neck. 

“You’re silly,” Rosemary says as they leave, noticing the way he keeps glancing over her shoulder, “I guess we need to find you a friend.” She says softly, thinking that he really didn’t interact with other children that much. 

/////////////

“He needs a haircut.” Neil said bitterly over dinner one night. Rosemary paused from watching the way Billy was struggling with his little baby utensils. He had eventually given up, opting to use his little fists to eat his gumbo instead. 

“Why?” Rosemary asked seriously as she turned to look at Billy again. He had thick hair, but in her opinion it wasn’t that long at all. Billy noticed her looking at him and quickly smiled towards her, showing off his pretty baby teeth. 

“Because it’s too fucking long,” Neil snapped back, “Look at it.” He motioned towards Billy. Billy giggled, clearly thinking that Neil was playing about something. Rosemary pressed her fingertips across the bridge of her nose. 

“It’s fine,” She shook her head in disbelief as she ran her fingers through Billy’s curls. It just barely touched the nape of his neck, “It doesn’t have to be cropped.” She told him quickly, watching the way Billy looked up at her with an amused expression. 

“He looks like a girl.” Neil said sternly, voicing his disapproval as he always did. Rosemary sighed softly, feeling like Neil was complaining because Billy looked like her. 

“He does not,” Rosemary said quickly. She’d never mentioned it to Neil before, but Billy has been mistaken as a girl quite a bit as a baby. He was just too cute with his little button nose and thick eyelashes, “It’s just hair, Neil.” She reminded him, feeling like it was silly to think that hair should be gendered. She wondered if Neil had ever seen the pictures that had Jesus with long hair. 

“I no girl.” Billy caught on a second later, furrowing his darker eyebrows together. He glanced at both of his parents for just a second before he dove back into his food. Neil shot her an angry look and she waited, expecting him to start into his rant on how she’d be confusing Billy. He’d been saying that a lot recently and she couldn’t understand why. 

///////////////

“What do you want to do today?” She asked Billy, liking the way his blue eyes shined every time she woke him up in the morning. He tilted his head, a playful expression on his features as he crawled out of his bed.

“The beach!” He responded loudly, cheerily as he hopped over her lap, “Please!” He begged cupping her face in his hands as he blew air into his cheeks to make them stick out. She laughed, rubbing his back softly. She didn’t know how she’d ever be able to say no to that cute little face.

“Of course we can go to the beach,” She said as she scooped him into her arms, “We have to be careful though.” She told him, lowering her voice so she sounded a little more serious. Billy stopped wiggling in her arms, sitting still on her lap so he could listen to her. 

“Why?” He asked, his voice coming out hushed as his blue eyes grew wide with worry and wonder. His lips parted as he nudged her from impatience, waiting for her to share her secrets with him. 

“Because those sharks might get you!” She exclaimed, beginning to attack his sides with her fingers. He giggled, wiggling on the bed as he kicked his little feet up into the air. She laughed to herself, enjoying the way he squealed with joy. 

“No!” He squeaked out happily, “No sharks!” He continued to giggle underneath her grasp. His eyes were squinted and his cheeks were a soft red. She grinned as she slowly released her grip, memorizing the way his little nose would scrunch up in delight. 

Billy always enjoyed sitting near and watching the surfers. She was slowly getting him more accustomed to learning how to swim with the waves of the ocean. He was always happy, even if he got sprayed with salt water. She’d thought about signing him up for lessons, but was still worried about how small he was. 

When they return home she gives him a quick bath, although she’s sure that Billy could spend the rest of the afternoon in the tub. It takes some persuading once he’s dried off for him to actually get dressed, but he eventually does. He still hates to wear socks. 

“Here,” She hands him the whisk, “Mix that together while I get the frosting started.” She told him quickly, watching the way he was awkwardly holding the whisk in his fist. He moved it around roughly, wrinkling his nose as part of the cake mix splashed outside of the bowl.

“Wow,” Billy said in amazement, his eyes wide as he watched the cake rise in the oven, “Cool!” He tells her proudly with a big smile. He continues to sit in front of the oven as he plays with some of the clean dishes from the drawers. She doesn’t mind, but she knows he’ll have to put it up before Neil gets back. It irritates Neil when Billy is in the kitchen. 

“He’s too damn attached,” Neil criticizes her one afternoon, “He’s going to end up confused being around you all the time.” He tells her pointedly. She looks up from the floor, holding one of the many toy cars that Billy had. She didn’t mind playing with Billy, because she had nothing else to do. Billy mimics the sound of an engine as he drives one of the toy cars across her arm. 

“Alright,” Rosemary said bitterly, “How about I go back to school and start working then while you stay here and watch Billy?” Neil leans forward and backhands her without answering her question. 

The next day Rosemary waits until it’s eleven to clean up the table. Neil never came home after work and she did her best not to panic. She’d spent many nights wishing that he would disappear, but feared to know what that really meant. She didn’t know any place that would hire her. She’d dropped out her sophomore year of school. 

“Mommy?” Billy questions as his tiny feet patter into the living room. His hair was untidy as he wiped his little fists across his eyes, “You no sleepy?” He looked at her confused as he clambered onto her lap. She adjusted a bit to pull the quilt over the two of them on the couch. 

“Just a bit,” She tells him softly as she presses her cheek against him and rocks him back and forth, “Why aren’t you in bed?” She asks him softly. He snuggles a little closer to her before he rubs his little nose across her shoulder. 

“I miss daddy.” Billy admits after a second as he moves the quilt up higher over his chest. He wiggles his little nose as Rosemary continues to fiddle with his hair. 

“Oh you do?” She asks him gently, “Well I’m sure he’ll be home soon.” She reassured him, unsure of what Neil would be doing out this late at night. She was sure if something was wrong, she would’ve received a phone call by now. He was out on purpose. She drifts off with Billy not long after, holding his little body close to her chest. 

“You didn’t come home last night,” Rosemary tells Neil softly the next morning, “I wonder why that is.” She says slowly, already knowing the answer. She had marks on his neck that weren’t from her. She hadn’t touched Neil in the longest time so she certainly didn’t give him that giddy expression. 

“Does it fucking matter?” He snaps as he folds up his newspaper again. Billy’s head shoots up from the sharp tone. Rosemary breathes in deeply, usually not liking Billy to see them fight but she felt so upset to even care at the moment. 

“It does,” Rosemary suddenly feels angry, “What did you do?” She asks him between clenched teeth. He stares at her blankly, keeping eye contact the whole time as he slowly unwraps the newspaper again. He says nothing as he begins to read from it. 

//////////////////

When Billy is three Rosemary decides it’s time for him to dip his toes into school. She decides that summer school might be better, thinking that it wouldn’t keep him away from her for as long. He only has to go four days a week, she tries to assure herself that it will be fine. 

“It’s just school, sunshine,” She told him gently, bending over so she could look at him clearly, “You’re going to have so much fun.” She tried to reassure him, but it was clear he wasn’t listening by the deep way he inhaled and continued to cry. 

“Yeah,” He cried out pitifully, “With you.” He’s reaching forward again, holding onto her tightly as he sobs into her chest. Her heart aches, breaking at each little whimper that leaves his mouth. She doesn’t want to leave Billy behind, would rather have him around her all day. She knows she can’t do that forever, that he’ll eventually need to go to school. She figures it really is better that he starts early to adjust. 

“With kids your age,” She corrects him, although she’s blinking tears from her own eyes, “And then I’ll see you in a few hours. You won’t even notice.” She tries to brush it off, although she’s half tempted to wait in the school parking lot until it’s time to get him.

“Mommy, no,” Billy sobbed as he wiped his small palms across his eyes. His cheeks were red, and tear stained as he hiccupped, “Don’t wanna.” He whined, holding onto her a little tighter. She inhaled sharply, thinking that it really would be okay for him to wait another year or two. 

“Who you?” A little girl approached. She looked at Billy curiously, tilting her head. Her red hair was pulled back into two ponytails. She’s lankier than him and stands a little taller although something tells Rosemary that she’s younger. Billy suddenly shrinks away. 

“This is Billy,” Rosemary introduced him, watching the way he shyly hid his face in her chest, “What’s your name?” She asked softly, trying to adjust Billy so he could view the little girl. He groans and buries his face deeper instead. 

She pauses dramatically before she speaks loudly, “Kimbww-,” She stumbles for a minute, wrinkling her features into a deep thought before she speaks again, “Kim Wose!” She decides on as she sways her arms back and forth. 

“Hear that, Billy?” Rosemary jolts him gently, trying to shake him out of his shell, “Her name is Kim.” She tells him, speaking full of excitement. She’s hoping that the prospect of making a new friend may stir him from his burrow. 

“So?” He grumbles out, looking irritated as he hides his face again, He hides his face deeper in her chest, groaning to himself between his little sniffles. She pulls him back a little more seriously this time. 

“Hey,” She tells him softly, “That wasn’t very nice.” She tells him a little sternly. His little lip pouts out as he nods his head, his blue eyes flashing full of sorrow. She wraps him up a little tighter, always feeling bad when she has to correct his behavior. 

“Hi.” Billy says dramatically as he begins to cry again. He sobs, his shoulders shaking as he holds onto Rosemary. She pats his back softly, watching as Kim slowly inches herself closer. She pulls her thumb from her mouth. 

“Why sad?” She walks up to Rosemary’s crossed legs, tilting her head in confusion as she watches Billy. Rosemary watches her for a moment, thinking that she looks a little familiar. She wonders if she’s ever baked for her family before. 

“My mommy go bye bye.” Billy says dramatically again, his blue eyes bright from the tears in his eyes. He sniffles harshly as he finally sits up, allowing himself to look at Kim. Her eyes widen with understanding. 

“It okay!” Kim wiggles into their personal space, joining Billy on Rosemary’s other knee. She’s surprised for a second before she lets her other hand rest against Kim’s back, “It fun hewe!” Kim clasps her little hands between her legs as she speaks, smiling brightly. Her cheeks are covered in dark pink freckles and she has a little dimple on her cheek when she smiles. 

“See,” Rosemary smiled towards Billy, “She has lots of fun.” She tries to assure him. Billy grumbles as he shrugs his shoulders, still staring down at the ground. Kim reaches forward to cup his face with her hands.

“Do you play?” She asks Billy with wide eyes, her expression filled with joy. Rosemary begins to wonder if Kim was an only child too as it was fairly clear that she had no idea how to handle personal space. 

“Yeah,” Billy looked a little stunned as he glanced towards Rosemary with wide eyes. He looked like he was unsure of how to handle Kim’s forwardness either, “I like to play.” He confirms with a nod of his head. Kim squealed, quickly moving to tug at Billy’s little arms. 

Billy shoots one last look towards Rosemary but she just waves at him, knowing that he really will be okay once he gets in there. Still, she feels like she’s missing out on precious time with him as Billy slowly turns away. Rosemary stands and follows at a safe distance, making sure that Billy won’t make a mad dash back to her. 

She watches as Kim tugs him along. Rosemary smiles, thinking that the difference between the two is cute. Kim is lanky and a few inches taller. Billy is stockier, a little shorter as she pulls him towards one of the round tables in the back of the room. Rosemary watches for another moment, making sure that he’s settled before she quietly slips out of the room. 

Rosemary waits at the end of the steps, her fingertips digging into her palm while she waits for Billy to get out. She feels her heart beating in anticipation when a little crowd of bodies slowly makes their way out the door. 

“Mommy!” Billy shouts, rushing forward as he holds his arms out wide. He bursts into tears again as he clings to her. She feels her heart drop as she rocks him back and forth, before she finds a spot on a bench.

“Oh my,” She grins as she kisses the top of his head, “I missed you two, sunshine. Did you have a good day?” She asks him in hopes that he didn’t spend all day crying. His cheeks are pink and wet again as he quickly nods his head. He doesn’t get a chance to respond before he’s interrupted. 

“Hi!” Kim exclaims again as she crawls into Rosemary’s lap for the second time that day, “You pwetty.” She says suddenly, surprising Rosemary as Kim’s baby hands press up against her cheeks. Rosemary blinks, not used to having another toddler be so affectionate with her. 

“Oh, thank you,” Rosemary smiles as she holds onto the both of them, “Are you going home?” She asks curiously, wondering where her parents might be. The line of kids have slowly dwindled until they’re the only ones remaining. Rosemary doesn’t really feel safe leaving Kim on her own. 

“I wait,” Kim is clambering around, “No one’s hewe yet!” She says dramatically as she holds her palms against her face and drops her jaw dramatically. Billy giggles at her gestures. 

“We can wait with you,” Rosemary nods her head, feeling bad that Kim may have to sit by herself, “Don’t you think, Billy?” She asks, hoping that it won’t be too long. Neil will be mad if they’re late and she doesn’t have dinner ready.

“Yeah,” Billy smiled big as he nodded his head, “We will wait!” He says in determination as they two of them begin to play again. Kim makes Rosemary slightly nervous by the way she crawls and clambers over different objects. Rosemary keeps glancing at the building, wondering when her parents will be here. 

Kim wraps her little arms around Rosemary’s elbow before she leans forward to press her soft cheek against Rosemary’s shoulder. Rosemary smiles softly, looking at her curiously. Billy follows Kim’s lead and begins to rub his cheek against Rosemary’s skin. 

“Are your parents coming?” She asked, then was unsure if Kim had heard that word before, “Does your mommy or daddy get you?” She asks instead, watching the way Kim’s hazel eyes brightened. 

“Nana!” Kim proclaims proudly, smiling before she looks around. Rosemary followed her suit, unsure of what Rosemary would do if Kim’s grandma didn’t show up. Rosemary lets Kim lift her arm up in the air before she’s spinning underneath her hand. 

“Me too!” Billy shouts happily, “I have a nana!” He rushes over to Kim again, bouncing in excitement. Rosemary glances around, feeling nervous as the time begins to grow later and later. 

Kim’s grandma finally arrives about fifteen minutes later and Rosemary wonders if she should remind her that their school had been out for nearly an hour at this point. Her grandma’s hair was pulled back tightly with tight lines across her features. She looked irritated and wore a long sleeved black dress and skirt despite the heat.

“You know I watch kids sometimes,” Rosemary started to say as her grandmother helped Kim pack up her things, which wasn’t a lot, “I wouldn’t mind watching Kim every so often. She’s really sweet.” Rosemary offers, thinking that it wouldn’t be bad to watch her. She was certainly better than most of the kids she watched, not nearly as snotty. 

“She’s a snoop is what she is,” The woman muttered, “Always getting into everything.” She shook her head in disbelief, like she was irritated with something Kim had done. Rosemary was a little stunned from how sharp her tone was. Suddenly, Kim’s attachment made sense. 

“Kids are like that,” Rosemary pauses for a moment, “You know on weekends or whatever. She could stop by. Does she come here all the time?” She pries a little further. She thinks that it would be good for Kim to venture out with other people. Rosemary doesn’t like how rigid her grandma seems to be. 

“If only,” The woman snorts, “This is the third place her father has put her in. He can’t ever remember to actually take her.” She rolls her eyes, speaking with disdain as she reference’s Kim’s father.

“Oh,” Rosemary pauses again, “So would you like my address or telephone number?” She asks again, watching as Billy and Kim continue to chase themselves around the two adults. Kim’s grandmother snaps roughly and loudly, making Kim stop 

“That won’t be necessary,” The woman brushes Rosemary off, “I wouldn’t want to put that burden on you.” She shakes her head before she roughly pats the back of Kim’s shoulders and makes her walk forward. Kim pouts her lips out as she looks back at them and Rosemary sends her a gentle wave, feeling bad for her. 

Kim never comes over, despite Rosemary suggesting it a few more times to her grandmother. The days Kim comes are actually very vague and by the end of the summer she’s no longer there. 

///////////////

“Oh, how handsome,” Rosemary gushed as she pinched and poked at Billy’s cheeks, “You look like a little officer.” She told him seriously. She’d found a simple white buttoned up shirt for him, though she was beginning to wonder if it would be safe. Billy tended to be a messy eater. She’d fastened him a little tie, but Billy kept messing with that too. She’d felt quite proud of the little badge she had made for him. It looked similar to Neil’s. 

“Just like daddy!” Billy responded, a proud look written across his features. He wiggles his arms back and forth as he looks around, looking quite excited to join Neil today. 

“He would look better with a haircut.” Neil grumbles as he slams his coffee cup into the sink. Rosemary sighs deeply, watching as Neil crossed the room to pick up his jacket and things. Billy bounced in his spot, looking like he was about ready to launch into the sky. 

“He looks fine,” Rosemary stood, feeling a little nervous at the thought of Billy being alone with Neil for a whole afternoon, “Are you sure you don’t want me to come?” She asked again, unsure if Neil would be patient enough to deal with Billy on his own. She hoped that he would be, but she was unsure. 

“It’s bring your kid to work day, not your wife.” Neil scoffed, like her offer was completely ridiculous. Rosemary frowns towards him, hating the way he’d sometimes treat her like she was stupid. 

“Yeah, but what if he gets tired or needs something?” She asks him slowly as she runs her nails gently through Billy’s pretty locks. Billy looks up at her, his eyes full of excitement. She bent over low enough to kiss his smooth forehead. 

“Are you saying I can’t take care of my son?” Neil accused her, looking angry as he spoke through gritted teeth. She shook her head, feeling like Neil was trying to pick a fight out of nothing. 

“He’s used to me.” She said softly, unsure if she was saying the right thing or not. She didn’t want Neil to lash out at her, but she was speaking the truth. She couldn’t help but worry that Billy would be away from her for so long. 

“Too used to you,” Neil muttered in annoyance, “He’ll end up a little bitch too.” He said simply before he scooped Billy into his arms and left through the door. Rosemary felt dread filling her chest as she watched the two of them leave. 

She was staring at the boiling water when the front door opened. She snapped her head around, ready to greet Billy when he came at her full force. He had discarded his tie and unbuttoned his shirt, his cheeks were red and his eyes puffy from crying.

“What’s wrong?” She asked as she scooped him up, rocking him back and forth as he settled into her arms through soft cries. Neil came in a second later, slamming the door behind him. He glanced up at her. 

“He got spanked,” He said simply as he hung up his work jacket, “He’s a damn brat.” Neil said gruffly as Billy started to cry a little harder. Rosemary looked at him horrified. 

“Why would you spank him?” Rosemary demanded, feeling furious as the water began to boil over onto the oven. She cursed as she quickly shut it off, not caring if dinner got finished tonight. 

“I told him to sit still, and he wouldn’t listen,” Neil said simply with a shrug of his shoulders, “He’ll listen now.” Neil said harshly as he began to open the fridge and pull out a gallon of milk. Billy wiped at his eyes again, hiccupping from how hard he’d been crying. 

“You ass.” Rosemary cursed at him, feeling furious for the way he’d made Billy cry. She was mad at herself too. She knew that Neil wouldn’t be able to handle Billy and she still let him take Billy alone. She felt dumb as she realized that Neil wouldn’t be able to ever handle Billy on his own. 

1971 

“Your mom brought these over,” Rosemary begins to show the ceramic plate off to Neil, “She said it was her great-great grandmother’s set.” She observes it, happy that her relationship with his mother only seemed to be getting better. The set really was pretty. It was a full set of plates, bowls and cups. 

Neil nods, his eyebrows flickering up a little in irritation as Billy begins to smack his palms against the table. He giggles in joy, looking happy at the sounds that he’s producing. Rosemary smiles, wondering if Billy would grow up liking music too.

“That’s enough of that,” Neil says quickly, making Billy pause his movements. His tone is a little sterner, more rough. Billy looks alarmed as he looks over towards Rosemary, his bottom lip beginning to tremble. She smiles brightly, hoping to calm his little nerves, “Nice dishes.” Neil dismisses Rosemary, clearly not interested in anything she had to say.

She sighs as she moves back behind the couch, deciding she’d put it all away on her own. She meets Billy’s eye again, motioning towards Neil as she knits her face up in a funny way to mock Neil. Billy giggles, looking happy again as he smacks his palms down against the table. 

Rosemary doesn’t know it’s happening until it’s too late. Billy is still smacking his palms against the table, trying to mirror the beat from the music on the radio. He’s giggling one second, a smile plastered on his lips and in the next second he’s on the ground screaming with a reddened cheek. 

She reacted on instinct, flames boiling deep inside of her as she swung the plate down upon Neil’s face. It broke into small little pieces, cutting deep across his face as the ceramic pieces went flying everywhere. She’s surprised by her actions, so she knows that Neil is as well. It takes him a second to react before he’s on his feet and gripping her throat so tightly she can barely breathe. 

“Don’t you ever touch him like that!” She’s screaming, clawing and kicking at him as he’s roughly shaking her like a rag doll. She’s full of rage and anger, unable to control herself. She didn’t care how many times Neil hit her, but he wouldn’t hit Billy. She wouldn’t let him. 

“You crazy bitch,” Neil seethes out as Billy screams in the background. She’s still smacking at his face, smearing his blood across his cheeks and her hands, “You’ve lost your mind.” He tells her before he punches her in the face. She falls clear back, her bottom sliding against the floor as she grips her nose. She’s bleeding as she stared up at him, unable to move as Neil grips her hair tightly. He earns a scream from her as he yanks her onto her knees and smacks her across each cheek until her face is burning and red.

He leaves her there on the floor, but not before kicking her a few times and shouting a few more curses towards her. She expects him to go to the room, but he leaves the house completely. She breaths in harshly, her ribs aching as she crawls towards where Billy is still crying on the ground. 

“It’s okay,” Rosemary tries to reassure Billy, her hands shaking as she rocks him back and forth. He’s whimpering and crying into her chest. She feels terrible, knowing that this was something she never wanted Billy to witness. She feels warm, fat tears beginning to slide down her own cheeks as if she’s failed him somehow, “I’m so sorry.” She apologizes quickly, although she knows that she wasn’t responsible for what Neil did. She feels like Billy needs to hear it regardless. 

“Owie,” He whines into her chest, his little shoulders sagging from how harshly he’s breathing. She continues to rock him back and forth, her tears painting her cheeks as she tried to hide her own sobs, “He’s mean.” Billy whimpered softly.

Rosemary pulled him away gently, holding onto his chin as she looked over his cheek. It was still red and she feared that it would bruise. She was filled with a fresh wave of anger and thought about breaking the rest of the dishes against Neil’s face.

Neil remained gone for the next three days and Rosemary was more than happy with that. She kept Billy home with her and had him help her while she worked on a cupcake order for an upcoming birthday party. She kept Billy close to her, worried that something else would happen. Neil seemed unreadable. 

On the fourth night he strolled in, past dinner and when Billy was already tucked into bed. Rosemary said nothing as she continued to scrub at the dishes in the sink. She barely acknowledged him because she feared she’d only end up making him more angry.

“Can we talk?” Neil approached after she scrubbed her hands dry with the kitchen towel. She breathed in deeply through her nose and closed her eyes, trying to calm her beating heart. She turned slowly, making sure that he looked at the fresh bruises on her face. 

“Why?” She asked him seriously, feeling like there was nothing to say. He’d never change. He’d always be grumpy and quick to anger. There was nothing to discuss, she’d just have to live with it. 

“I’ve been a real ass lately,” Neil told her gently. She stared at the cuts on his face, wishing she’d hit him deeper, “I want to apologize.” He told her, surprising her a little bit. She crossed her arms, waiting for him to continue. He stayed silent, as if that was somehow enough. She kept her scoff to herself. 

“Is that all?” She asked dryly as she lightly dug her nails into her skin. She was bracing for him to backhand her, but he caught her off guard by staying still. She stared for the longest time, sure that he was just testing her. 

“There’s something else,” Neil says slowly, “A few months ago, I was unfaithful. I slept with someone else.” He admitted what she had already known. She felt her eyes narrowing. 

“Who?” She asked quietly, although she really didn’t care about the phantom woman. Part of her had hoped that she would return and whisk Neil off so Rosemary could live with Billy on her own. 

“I don’t know,” Neil answers quickly and Rosemary can tell by the look on his features that he’s being honest, “Her name was Susan. She’s married too and has a kid Billy’s age. That’s all I know.” He told her honestly, taking a step forward to gently cup her shoulders. She winced, not expecting him to touch her so gently. 

“What do you want me to do about it?” She asked him harshly, making sure to keep herself at a safe distance from him. She knew he wanted her to forgive him, but she wasn’t sure she could do it so easily. Especially after how he’d treated Billy. 

“I want to make things right.” He looked down at her, trying to give her a reassuring look. She looked away from him, not liking how it seemed like he was trying to pressure her into making a decision. 

“You’re a bastard,” She say at last as the fury fills her, “I don’t give a fuck where you’ve put your dick. I do, however, care about how you treat me and more importantly how you treat our son.” She pushes his hands away from her roughly, enough to make him stumble back a few steps. Neil looks towards her surprised. 

“I’m sorry.” He says earnestly, tilting his head as he looks at her pitifully. She feels her nose wiggle up in protest as it takes everything in her to keep from throwing her fists at him. 

“You hit him,” She says angrily, “Just because your dad hit you doesn’t give you the right to do the same to him.” She snaps at him, knowing she hit a sore spot by the way his features fall. She doesn’t care. She thinks Neil needs to think about that more. To realize who he’s becoming. 

“I’m trying,” He said urgently, “I just don’t always know how to control my anger. You don’t know what he did to me.” He tries to explain, as if that was a reason for taking his anger out on her and Billy. 

“Let me be really blunt,” She told him slowly, “I don’t care what your father did to you. Whatever he did, that’s in the past. I didn’t do it to you and Billy sure as hell didn’t do it either. You won’t touch him like that again.” She warned him, keeping her tone as serious and stern as she could manage. She held on fist behind her back, afraid that he would notice just how badly she was shaking. 

The next few weeks are a little better. It takes some time for Rosemary and Billy to warm up to Neil again, but Neil makes it surprisingly easy. He’s kinder than usual, softer. He always brings Rosemary flowers and Billy new cars and trucks. 

“Do you wanna try some?” Neil offers him, holding the coffee cup out as he notices Billy’s curious eyes. Billy glances towards Rosemary before he looks towards Neil again. 

“It hot?” He asks as he tilts his head. He leans forward, resting his elbows on the table as he tries to get a better look at the liquid in the mug. Rosemary feels her eyebrows raising on her forehead, unsure if caffeine is the best thing for Billy. 

Neil blows on it for a minute, “All better now,” He holds the coffee cup gently, letting Billy tilt it towards his lips. Billy’s eyes widened as the bitter liquid hit his mouth, his eyes squinting shut as disgusted wiped across his features, “What do you think?” Neil laughed, watching as Billy quickly sat down.

“Mhm,” Billy nodded his head, one of his eyes still twitching as he neatly clasped his hands together on the table. He gulped harshly, his whole-body shivering for a moment, “Tasty.” He spit out, his eyebrows knitted together. Rosemary laughed, watching as he rubbed his tongue across his teeth.

“Do you want some more?” Neil teased him, watching the way Billy’s blue eyes widened. Rosemary found herself giggling as Neil pushed the cup back towards Billy and Billy covered his hand over his lips. 

“No, no,” Billy held another hand up, “I okay.” He shakes his head as he dismisses Neil completely. Rosemary and Neil both laugh this time. 

/////////////////////////

Neil is gripping her waist, pulling her closer as his lips linger against her neck. He’s just about to fully kiss her skin when banging on the door sends them both jumping. It takes everything inside of Rosemary to keep from laughing. 

“Billy!” Neil shouts loudly, though he has a hint of a smile on his lips, “Go to bed.” He says quickly, still holding a determined look in his eyes. The knocking doesn’t seize, rather it grows louder. 

“No!” Billy protests from beyond the door, “I want my mommy!” He shouts loudly, sounding furious. Rosemary bites her lip, sending Neil a sheepish smile. Billy doesn’t usually behave this way, so she’s sure that he noticed the rushed way she tried to lay him down. 

“It won’t take me long to put him back to bed,” She tells Neil quickly as she adjusts her robe around herself again. She ties it tightly before she opens the door and is immediately greeted by Billy flinging himself at her legs. She laughs as she bends over, picking up the chunky toddler and giving him a big kiss against his cheek.

“You’re too old for this, boy.” Neil tells him blankly, looking less than amused by the whole situation. Billy’s eyebrows knit tightly together in frustration as he absorbs Neil’s statement. 

“I no old!” Billy protests, looking towards Rosemary in disbelief, “I baby!” Billy motions towards himself, his jaw going slack like he can’t believe what Neil just said. Rosemary just giggles as she kisses Billy’s cheek repeatedly, wondering why he’d grown so sassy all of a sudden. 

“You’re not a baby.” Neil grumbles out as he sits down on the edge of the bed. Rosemary makes a face at him, trying not to roll her eyes. She’s surprised that Neil doesn’t look angry, he looks more amused than anything. Billy’s blue eyes are wide as he glances towards Rosemary in horror, his lips parted wide. 

“I-” Rosemary quickly covers Billy’s mouth with her palm before the two of them continue to argue. Billy mumbles against her hand, his little feet kicking as he continues to defend himself. She laughs as she turns his face towards her and gently shakes her head, letting him know that it’ll be alright. 

“He’s four,” Rosemary says gently when she finally releases her hand from Billy’s mouth, “I’ll be back in just a minute.” She rubs Billy’s back, smiling as he rests his soft cheek against her shoulder. He snuggles up to her, his body warming hers as she takes him back down the hallway. 

She gently laid Billy back into his bed, watching the way that he sprawled out on his light blue sheets. He wiggled around for a moment, trying to get comfortable as he stared up at her with soft eyes. She thought that they looked more like hers than Neil’s. She bent over to kiss his forehead, smiling while he giggled as her hair cascaded around him. 

“Better?” She asks as she tucks him into his bed. He looks up at her with wide blue eyes, smiling brightly as he nods his little head. She holds her fingers against his, wishing she could keep him this tiny forever. Neil had cruelly reminded her that her boy was growing far faster than what she was ready for. 

“Yeah,” He says softly as he pulls a teddy bear to his chest, “You stay?” He asked softly, tilting his head as he waited for her to answer. She felt her lips curling into a smile as she continued to smooth the blankets over his chest. 

“Sunshine,” She draws out slowly, “I need to go to bed too. I’ll see you in the morning.” She promises him as she looks up to meet his eyes again. He has a little pout on his lips, like he hadn’t expected her to say that. The look sends a shot of guilt through her chest. 

“Promise?” He asks her gently, his eyes looking even softer as he speaks. She nods her head, although she has an urge to crawl into his bed and spend the night in here instead. 

“I promise,” She genuinely tells him, “First thing in the morning.” He nods his head slowly at her words as he sinks back down against his pillow, pulling the blankets up over his arms. She kisses his soft cheek gently as she brushes the blonde curls from his forehead. She lingers for just a moment, feeling like she’ll miss him just as much as he misses her. 

She hums softly to him, singing the same song to him every night, “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,” She sings softly as she brushes the blonde curls off of his forehead, “You make me happy, when skies are gray.” She brushes her fingertips gently down his forehead, then down the side of his cheeks.

His eyelids slowly begin to droop as he watches her, and he adjusts in a way that pulls his teddy bear closer to his chest. She smiles as he leans against her touch, obviously enjoying the simple designs that she’s drawing into his soft skin. 

“You’ll never know dear, how much I love you,” She sings softer, watching the way his eyelashes are beginning to flutter shut, “Please don’t take my sunshine away.” She continues on for another verse, only stopping once she’s ensured that his eyes are shut tightly. His soft breathing fills the room, and he adjusts a little bit, his little fingers curled into fists as he raises one next to his head. She smiles, watching the way he stretches out as he relaxes against the mattress.

She watches him for another moment, wondering how many more nights she’d have where she’d sing to him and tuck him into bed. She brushed her fingertips against his blue comforter, hoping that they’d have a long time to continue to do this. She didn’t want him to grow up. She wanted to keep him in this safe little bubble, far out of reach from harm. She feared there would come a day where he’d no longer come to her. 

She takes another minute before she’s leaning down to press another kiss against his forehead. He doesn’t stir this time and she hopes that he has the best dream tonight. She stands quietly and reaches to shut the lamp off before she leaves the room again. She takes her time to walk back to her own room, partially hoping that Neil will be too out of it to continue anything.

“Well?” She looks up as she gently presses the door shut behind her. Neil is still resting on the bed, looking rather eager as he awaits her response. She feels her lips tugging up into a soft smile.

“He’s asleep.” She confirms, watching as Neil tugs her onto the bed. A laugh begins to form in her chest as she realizes how natural this feels. She feels like she can believe Neil, that he truly has changed for the better. She loosens her robe, letting it fall from her skin and onto the floor. 

“Where were we?” He’s barely got his lips pressed against hers before the door is flying open. Rosemary quickly covers herself with the blankets before she’s tugging on Neil’s discarded shirt. Billy struts in, looking unbothered as he clutches his teddy to his chest. He keeps quiet as he grips the edge of the mattress and roughly tugs himself up. He continues to stay silent as he crawls up towards them, situating himself between Neil and Rosemary. 

“Boy,” Neil looks over at Billy in exasperation, “What are you doing?” His eyebrows are high, looking fully exhausted at the thought of Billy lingering by them through the night. Rosemary isn’t sure why Billy is so determined to sleep in here tonight, but she thinks it’s cuter than anything else. She doesn't think she's missing out on anything with Neil. She was sure she was broken, as she had yet to experience why sex was so pleasurable. 

“Sleeping.” Billy answers simply as he wiggles his way underneath the blankets. He exhales deeply as he stretches his little legs out and rests his arms behind his head. He looks tired, like he could pass out any second. Rosemary feels her own smile growing as she notices him trying to stifle his own giggles as he shuts his eyes. 

“Honey,” Rosemary looks at him a little confused, knowing that he doesn’t usually try to sleep in the same bed with them, “Why don’t you want to lay in your own bed?” She asks him seriously, wondering if there was something that had been scaring him. 

“‘Cause.” Billy says, wiggling his way onto his side so he’s gripping a hold of her arm. He rubs his cold nose across her skin, earning a smile from her lips. She grins as she leans down to kiss his mop of blonde hair and she deeply inhales the scent of him before she’s leaning up again. Neil is watching her, looking rather disappointed in her. 

“It’s just one night,” Rosemary says gently, hoping that it won’t upset Neil, “It won’t be that bad.” She nods her head to try and reassure Neil. He’s not much for cuddling anyways but hopes that he really won’t mind Billy sleeping in their bed with them. It could be the last time he ever does so. 

“Fine,” Neil says at last, exhaling through his nose, “But you kick me and you’re sleeping on the floor with the monster.” Neil says slowly, full of dramatics as he leans over Billy’s smaller frame. Billy’s eyes suddenly snap open again. 

“Huh?” Billy’s blue eyes are wide as he stares up at Neil, holding onto every word as he listens to Neil’s pretend story. Rosemary already feels herself shaking her head, knowing that this will only make Billy want to sleep in here more often. 

“You know,” Neil draws out playfully, “The monster that lives underneath our bed. Careful if you roll over, he might just getcha!” His fingertips descend upon Billy’s ticklish ribs like lightning, making Billy squirm and giggle with hysterics. He begins to kick his little feet as he tries to pry Neil’s fingertips away from him.

“No!” Billy is giggling loudly, his eyes clenched shut as his mouth is parted wide in joy, “No, daddy, no!” He continues to shriek out, still giggling as he wiggles across the bed. Rosemary grins as she rests her hand against the palm, thinking that it had been a long time since Billy had called Neil daddy. 

Their washing machine had died about a week ago, making Rosemary making haste trips to the laundromat. Neil had gotten off from work early and picked up Billy instead, leaving Rosemary more time in the afternoon to run a few more errands. She didn’t mind taking Billy into the grocery store, but he often wandered off to speak to strangers. He was sociable, that was for sure. 

She placed her bags of groceries on top of the neatly folded clothes before she carried it all in at once, her fingertips burning from the rushed motions. She hastily dropped it on the floor of the kitchen before she looked over, noticing the giant grin on Billy’s lips. He was wearing his much too large backpack and had an oversized cap on that had once been Neil’s. 

“Well, you look cute,” She smiles as she bends down to kiss Billy’s temple, removing the hat in the process, “Where are you going?” She asks him curiously, noticing how his shoes were tied. He swayed back and forth, looking quite pleased as he spoke. 

“Nana’s!” He answers in glee, his smile bright as he spoke. Rosemary felt her eyebrows rising on her forehead and she glanced towards the clock, just to make sure that she had the time right. 

“You can’t go to nana’s,” She tells him softly, “It’s nighttime.” She doesn’t want to upset him, but she knew they didn’t have enough time to visit and then return home. He’d have to wait until tomorrow. Neil steps into the room suddenly, smiling brightly. 

“You wanted to spend the night,” Neil tells him softly, “Didn’t you son?” He nudges Billy softly, letting his hand rest against the top of Billy’s hat. Billy nods his head quickly, almost knocking the large hat off in the process. 

“Yeah!” Billy’s grin is still bright, “Spend the night!” He repeats loudly, holding his fists up in the air like it’s the best idea he’s heard of in a while. Rosemary feels her eyes widen, a little worried as he’s never spent a night away from her before. 

“Billy,” Rosemary says softly, “Do you know what that means?” She asks him seriously, feeling like he had no idea that it meant actually spending the night. Neil had definitely ensured that Billy was now sleeping with them, as Billy was now convinced that there was a toe eating monster underneath his bed. Billy glanced up towards Neil, looking up to his father for support. 

“I eat her food, play with her toys, and give her hugs!” He responds proudly as Neil nods his head towards him. Billy is still swaying, his little feet beginning to bounce in excitement. Neil presses down on the top of his head gently to stop him. 

“See,” Neil smiles towards her, “He’ll be fine. It’s for one night.” He says, looking more excited than Billy does. She lingers on her knees, looking forward at Billy with an uncertain look in her eyes. He’d spent an afternoon or two alone with his grandma, but never an entire night. She trusted his grandma, but she feared that something would happen that was out of their control. 

“That’s a far drive,” She reminds Neil, feeling a little worried, “What if he changes his mind?” She asks softly, afraid that she’ll upset Neil again. She doesn’t want to be the reason that everything goes back to the way it was. Neil watches her slowly before his lips part up into a smile. 

“He won’t.”

It’s midnight when Rosemary is pulled from her bed by the ringing of the phone. She groans, tugging the sheet off with her as she wraps it around her waist and stumbles out into the dark hallway. She gapes, nearly falling over in pain as her pinky toe slams against the corner of the couch. She winces, limping her way towards the phone. She barely pulls it up to her ear before Billy’s voice fills the other side. 

“Mama,” Billy sobs on the other end of the phone, “Where are you?” She listens as he sniffles and blubbers and she knew she had been correct in her concerns earlier. Billy wasn’t ready to be away from her. 

“I’m at home baby,” She coos gently, “What’s wrong?” She asks, feeling a little more worried as she grips the phone to her ear. She fears that something bad has happened. She doesn’t even question how he knew what number to call. 

“You’re not here,” He says pitifully, making her heart crack a little bit at his tone, “I miss you.” He’s crying again, sounding like it’s the worst thing that’s ever happened. She feels her lips tugging into a soft smile, thinking about how lucky she is to have a little boy who loves her so much.

“Do you want me to come and get you?” She asks, even though she already knows the answer to that question. She glances over her shoulder, ensuring that Neil’s snores are still filling the room. 

“Yes,” He says quickly without even thinking about it, “Please.” He adds softly at the end, sounding like he’s about to break down into sobs again. There’s a bit of sniffling before she hears the phone being passed again. 

“I’m sorry, Rosemary,” Edith’s voice fills the other line, “I tried to get him to calm down but nothing’s working.” Rosemary feels bad suddenly, knowing that Edith had been going through a lot the past year. She hopes that Billy hadn’t stressed her out too much. 

“It’s fine,” Rosemary answers quickly, “I’ll be there in a little bit to get him.” She tells her quickly, hoping that Billy knows that this wasn’t her idea. She would’ve never let him go along had Neil not already formulated the plan without her. She hangs up quickly before she’s throwing on a random pair of pants and a shirt. She grabs the keys, saying nothing to Neil before she leaves. She already knows that he would’ve only told her to let Billy toughen it out. 

The drive is about forty-five minutes, but she arrives in thirty after speeding through the non-busy streets. There was something relaxing about driving at this time of night, where no one else was around and you could hear the ocean over the sound of the wind blowing through the open windows. 

“I’m sorry,” She apologizes again once she’s finally there. Billy is in her arms in a second, sobbing and whimpering as she lifts him into the air. She rocks him back and forth as Edith brings his backpack towards her, “I tried to tell Neil.”

“He wasn’t too bad for the most part,” Edith admits with a gentle smile. Neil has her eyes, only hers aren’t as intense and cold. Rosemary can clearly see that she’s only been doing worse by the bags underneath her eyes and the obvious way she’s lost more weight, “He had an accident. I think that’s what caused everything.” Rosemary furrows her eyebrows together, knowing it’s been a long time since Billy had peed the bed.

“Do you need me to wash anything?” Rosemary questions seriously, feeling bad that Edith may have to clean up the sheets on her own. Edith quickly shook her head as she took a step forward to place a kiss on Billy’s cheek.

“No, it’s fine,” Edith reassures her, “Do you need to stay here? I hate to have you driving when it’s this late at night.” Rosemary shakes her head gently. Edith was nice, but her house always smelt old and bitter. Like something had been rotting away. 

“It’ll be fine,” Rosemary nods her head as Billy shuffles closer to her, whining as he clearly wants to leave too, “I’m sorry again. I’ll call you in the morning.” She promises, using a free hand to grip Billy’s backpack. She bites her lip, hoping that she won’t have to deal with a cranky toddler the rest of the way home. 

“Don’t do that,” He tells her quickly once she’s got him situated in the car, “No leave again.” He demands of her, his eyes glossy again. She feels a part of her heart breaking again and feels like she may cry from his words. She doesn’t want him upset with her. 

“Oh, sunshine,” She pulls him onto her lap again, swaying him back and forth, “I won’t leave you ever again. I promise.”

1972  

Neil slowly grew back into the monster that she had known him to be. It was exhausting, watching the way his moods would switch back and forth so easily. He grew rougher with Billy, which meant that she fought back a little harder. Each time she was more sore, more beaten down as she tried to remember why she was doing this. 

She grew even more bitter once she realized that he was seeing someone again. She didn’t know who, only that he came home reeking of her perfume and with a goofy expression on his lips. She wanted to beat it off, to beat all of the happiness out of him. She never said anything. He was always better on those nights, and it was clear to her what he meant. He was happier without her and Billy. 

“I don’t want to,” Rosemary shrugged Neil’s arm off of her shoulders, “Seriously, stop.” Neil gripped her jawline harshly, his fingertips digging into her bone as he yanked her towards him. She finds herself whimpering, the unknown sound filling the room. 

“You’re my wife,” He reminded her furiously as spit flew while he spoke, “It’s your duty so you can do it, or I’ll do it for you.” He tells her harshly as he keeps a tight grip on her face. She feels her eyes widening before she quickly nods her head. 

“I’m sorry,” She felt her eyes widening as she blinked away tears, understanding the implications if she didn’t agree, “You’re right.” She tells him slowly, gently moving her hands to brush his fingers away. She feels like she’s losing her mind as she strips herself down, like she’s weak as she gives him to his demands. 

Neil no longer brings her flowers or greets her with kisses when he returns from work. However, she’s still expected to make him dinner and giving into whatever he wants at nighttime. She feels like she’s experiencing whiplash with how quickly he changes moods. 

“Let go!” She’s begging, tears pouring from the corner of her eyes from how tightly Neil has her arm pinned behind her back, “Please, please stop!” She whimpers a little louder, feeling like he’s going to rip her arm completely off as he pushes her face up against the mirror again.

She wasn’t sure what she did, only that she was attacked first thing when she entered the room. He slammed her face up against the mirror first, sending glass flying and poking into her skin. She clenched her eyes together tightly, fearing that a piece of glass may press into her eyes. 

“Why do you have to embarrass me like that, Mary, why?” He demanded hotly against her neck. He was the only one who ever called her Mary and she hated it. She hated how she was sobbing and begging and unable to fight back. 

“I don’t know,” She said between thick tears. He grasped her harder, lifting her up further so her toes were dragging against the floor, “I’m sorry!” She screamed out, almost hoping that he would just kill her and get it over with.

“You won’t disobey me again, will you?” He spoke as if she was a dog, forever chained to be loyal to him. She cried out again as he pulled her hand further up her back, “Answer me!”

“Won’t do it again!” She cried out, her chest heaving with sobs, “Please, I promise. I’ll be good.” She didn’t feel like his wife. She felt far below that, like she was an object for him to dress up and play with. 

He finally released her, letting her collapse onto the ground as she nursed her sore arm to her chest. She whimpered, panicking until she was finally able to move her fingers again.

“Clean up your fucking mess,” Neil speaks up as he kicks a piece of glass towards her, “You look terrible.”

///////////

“Did you hear what happened at the laundromat last night?” She jumps suddenly, looking up from the dry shirt she was currently folding into her basket. The man next to her smiles a bit bashful as he pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose. 

“Huh?” Rosemary met his gaze as she furrowed her eyebrows together. He looks a few years older, a little shaggy and unkempt as he looks at her with warm brown eyes, “Oh, no I didn’t.” She says confused, thinking that she must’ve missed it in the newspaper.

“Three clothespins held up two shirts,” He grinned at her, watching the awkward way she cracked a grin, “Sorry. My daughter thinks I’m hilarious.” He brushed it off as his cheeks began to burn a pink shade. Rosemary bit her bottom lip, feeling a little flattered.

“I’m sure she’s right,” Her flirty tone takes her by surprise, although she can’t deny that this man is attractive. He seems to be the complete opposite from Neil. He looks untidy and has bags underneath his eyes, but his lanky posture is inviting and shy at the same time, “She’s got a very handsome daddy.”

She’s not sure how it happened, or who made the first move. But before she knows it, she’s undressing and letting this dorky man take her in Neil’s backseat. It’s nothing similar to the way Neil treats her. He’s kind and loving, he makes her laugh even when he’s slightly awkward at first. She just wanted to forget Neil but found herself craving the other man in a way she didn't expect. She didn't know that sex could feel this good, could make her toes curl and her mind fuzzy with stars. 

She expected to feel guilty after what had happened, but she didn’t. She felt freed. She felt like she had control of her body again because he never expected her to do anything special. He was soft and sweet, everything that Neil wasn’t. Neil just forces her onto her back and thinks of his own pleasure, not even caring if she reaches her peak. The other man held her in way that made her body ache in a good way. She wanted more of it, even though he knew she would never get there again. She never mentions it to Neil, never brings it up. She knows if she does what her fate will be. Neil can sleep with whomever he pleases, but Rosemary isn’t allowed to.

Sam. His name is Sam, and she spends the next few weeks thinking about him. She doesn’t bother to ask about his family, because she knows she’ll never see him again. Although she does picture him coming to whisk her and Billy off. She thinks that Billy would like to have a sibling. 

Neil is still rough with her, demands her body every night and she’s too afraid to deny him what he thinks is his right. She begins to hate herself because of it. She used to fight back, but she doesn't have the strength in herself to do so anymore. Every time she does, he just punishes her worse and worse. 

It’s in early October when Rosemary realizes that her period is late. She isn’t sure how she feels about the prospect of being pregnant, so she keeps it to herself for some time. She really doesn’t know how Neil will react either. It scares her. 

“Billy,” Rosemary bends over to his level and gently pulls his hands in hers. He gives her a big, goofy smile as he waits for her words, “How do you feel about having a baby brother or sister?” She asks him, watching as he brings his tiny surfboard back up to the shore. He was getting really talented, riding the tiny little waves that came through. Rosemary no longer had to sit out in the water with him. 

“A baby?” He looks at her curiously as he tilts his head, looking like he’s unsure about the idea. Rosemary grins, understanding how different this must feel for him. It had just been the two of them for so long. 

“You’d still be my baby too,” She quickly reassures him as she brings him onto her lap, “You’d have someone to play with.” She adds at the end as she rocks him back and forth. Billy’s eyes suddenly light up. 

“Oh!” He exclaims in surprise, “Lots of them!” He says in agreement. She laughs at his exclamation, feeling like he really would be a good older brother. His teachers always said he got along so good with the other kids in his classes. 

“Well, I don’t know about that,” She grins as she kisses the top of his head, “Let’s start with one for now, okay?” She asks him softly as she rocks him back and forth. She breathes in deeply, feeling a bit worried for what might happen to this new baby. 

“Okay,” He responded as he leaned his cheek against her shoulder, sounding disappointed, “Just one.” He says as he picks her hand up and begins to trace the lines on the back of her palm. She rests her chin on top of her head, knowing that since his reaction was good it meant that Neil’s would be the opposite. 

“I thought we didn’t want anymore just yet?” Neil's question was harsh later that night as Rosemary delivered the news. She paused as she held her fingertips together, feeling like she needed to grip onto something to keep from falling down from how badly she was shaking. 

“Well,” Rosemary shifted her weight off of her left foot, “Things happen I guess.” She said slowly, making sure that her tone was soft and flowy. She didn’t want him to think that she was snapping at him. She didn’t want to make this situation worse.

“Get rid of it.” He said like it’s a simple manner. She blinks at him, unsure if she’s hearing his words right. They’re stuck, he must surely know that they’re stuck in this situation.

“What would you have me do?” She asked him seriously as she felt her fingertips press into fists. She watched him like a hawk, waiting for him to lash out towards her. She inhaled deeply, watching how his eyes turned cold. They looked like they were full of hatred.

“There’s someone that Paul knows,” He says slowly as he shifts to face her more on the bed, “It costs some money but they do a good job.” She felt unable to swallow suddenly, like she had a giant rock lodged in the back of her throat. She blinked at him as she thought about AnneMarie for the longest time. She thought of the other woman she’d heard about who had turned out worse because of it.

“I’m not doing that,” She said softly as Neil’s harsh gaze locked in on her again, “It’s dangerous. If I die, I’ll lose Billy. We wanted another kid someday, what’s bad about now?” She’d heard little snippets of abortion being moved into the Supreme Court, but nothing was legal yet. She didn’t trust her life in someone else’s hands, not when they didn’t have a proper way to do it. 

“You’ve been whoring around.” He says, brushing off her statements as he finishes dressing himself for bed. She keeps her sigh to herself as she watches him. He’d accused her of being unfaithful for a long time, right around when he first started hitting her. She figured that he did so because he felt guilty for sleeping with other women. As usual, it was just easier to blame her. 

“What?” Rosemary felt her eyebrows knitting together, “Neil, you’re the only one I’ve had sex with. Ever.” She’s lying, but there’s no way he could know. She had never seen that man again and had never spoken him into existence. 

“I didn’t knock you up.” He dismisses her as he begins to pull the blankets down from the head of the bed. She stares at him, feeling all of the calmness leave her body. 

“Are you being serious?” She asked him sternly, “You’re on top of me just about every night. You’re being crazy.” She tells him pointedly, feeling like he was trying to make her think she was losing her mind. Neil turns quickly and he’s hitting her, punching her in the nose before she can muster anything else to say. 

It’s bad this time. Worse than when he’d left for a few days. Her head rings and spins, her body aches as she tries to crawl to the phone. She’s too weak to even do that. She assumes Neil calls Edith, because Rosemary was unable to even pull herself towards the phone.

Edith takes her to the hospital and Rosemary is too out of it to even notice where they’re going at first. Her mind still feels fuzzy, like her thoughts aren't’ fully there. She blinks a few times, trying to clear her mind as she’s rushed back right away. She figures that she must look terrible. 

“I didn’t fall,” Rosemary protested after the doctor was done speaking to her, “I was-,” She begins to speak, to explain her story. She hopes Neil gets punished, that he gets locked up and she’s free from his grasp. Edith speaks over her. 

“Doing much more than she should’ve been,” Edith nodded her head, “Honey, you’re pregnant. You need to take care of yourself.” She squeezes at Rosemary’s arm, but it’s tight and her nails dig into her skin. Rosemary stares up at her, feeling horrified as she realizes Edith isn’t doing this for her sake. She feels alone again, understanding that when she dies it’ll be because of Neil. 

1973  

“It’s scary.” Billy protested as he glanced up towards Rosemary. She felt like he had grown into a six year old overnight. He still looked handsome with his mass of blonde curls and big, bright blue eyes. She felt guilty the more she looked at him, because he was sporting a matching bruise on his cheekbone too. 

“It’s not scary,” She laughed as she held his hand, “It’s a horse. Horses are so fun, look!” She told him as she reached out her free hand to rub at the horse's face. Billy lingered a little closer, his cheek brushing against her arm as he watched. She grinned as the horse flicked his tongue out and licked her. 

“Yucky,” Billy made a face, his little nose curling up in disgust. She shook her head, wishing she’d brought him out to do this sooner. She didn’t want him to be afraid of animals. She loved animals, she wanted him to have that same love. 

“Come on,” She nudges him softly, “I used to love doing this when I was little.” She holds out their locked hands slowly, letting the horse come to them first. Billy’s eyes are wide but eventually soften as he pets at the horse. 

“Really?” He looks at her curiously and she realizes she may have never mentioned it before. Perhaps that had to do with her parents. She didn’t want him knowing about them in hopes that it wouldn’t make him feel guilty for what had happened. None of this had been his fault.

“Really,” She nods her head, “It’s fun, I promise you.” She tells him honestly, watching the way he’s already seemed to grow interested in the animal in front of them. She takes pictures once he’s finally up on the horse. He smiles gleefully, giggling as the horse takes him around and around the fenced area. 

She was hoping this might help him. She’d noticed a change in his attitude and she was sure it had to do with Neil. Neil seemed to lash out on him more and more, blame him for things out of his control. Rosemary fought back when she could but the majority of the time she’d end up on the floor, trying to remember what had happened. Neil’s lashes kept getting rougher with her and she feared he’d hurt the baby.

Billy had gotten in trouble at school recently and she knew it wasn’t really his fault, but she wanted to remind him that he was still gentle and soft. He wasn’t Neil, not even if he had hit one of classmates. Hitting was the only way he knew how to express himself, because it was the only way that Neil expressed himself. 

“Can we do that again?” Billy asked eagerly once they were finished. He tugged on her hand, doing the same motions he used to do when he was little. She grinned as she leaned forward to kiss the top of his head.

“Sure thing, sunshine,” She swept her fingers through his messy hair as she wished time would slow down for them, “We can do whatever you want.” She promises him, hoping that he doesn’t think that she’ll have less time for him once the baby arrives. 

She was fairly certain she was having another boy. She was carrying the same way, had the same cravings and same ticks as she did when she was pregnant with Billy. Neil still tried to dismiss her, no matter how badly she tried to convince him. She eventually gave up, figuring he’d accept the answer once the baby was born and looked similar to Billy. 

“Like this?” Billy asked curiously, holding the large screwdriver in his hands as he tried to maneuver it. She grinned, tipping the end of it back a bit so it would be better balanced in his hand. His eyebrows knitted together as he worked in concentration, screwing the nail into the wooden boards.

“Just like that,” She told him, appreciating that she had a little helper. She did the harder work while she let him do the easier things, such as decide where the pillows should go and what color the room should be. They decided on yellow, “Do you want a little brother or sister?” She asked after they had finished. They were both on the floor, their legs crossed as they shared a sandwich and a bag of chips.

“A brother,” He answered finally with a look of determination on his features, “Then we can play.” He said a little softer, looking excited at the prospect. She turned towards him, wondering if Neil had been talking bad about women again. 

“You can play with a little sister too,” She told him softly, “I used to play with all of the little boys when I grew up.” She told him truthfully. Billy tilted his head as he listened to her, looking like he didn’t expect her answer. 

“Oh,” Billy said softly, more interest filling his eyes, “Then both.” He nodded his head, like it was the final word. She pressed her lips into a smile as she ruffled his hair again. He giggled as he wiggled against her. 

“Both?” She laughed, “I don’t know about that. Do you like any names?” She asked him instead. She hadn’t thought about it too much if she was being honest.

“Edith,” He said quickly, “Like nana.” Rosemary smiled warmly, watching the way he poked and prodded curiously at her tummy. She jolted a little bit as his fingers pressed a little too close to her ribs.

“Nana does have a pretty name,” She confirmed gently. Although she wasn’t sure she liked that name anymore. Edith and her no longer got along much since the night she’d taken her to the emergency room, “What about for a boy?” She asked instead, hoping he didn’t say Neil.

“Russell,” He said simply after some thought, “I just like it.” He said with a goofy grin. She pushed her fingers through his hair again. 

“Russell and Edith,” She nodded her head, thinking that they were better than any of the names she’d come up with, “I like those.” She told him honestly. 

Neil was still in denial, offering absolutely no help for her pregnancy. She was upset at first, until she realized it was no different than the first time around. At least this time, she could see right through him. 

Her hands shook as she looked over the documents in front of her again. Her handwriting was already written there neatly and now she just needed Neil to agree to it as well. She thought there was no hope in pretending that they could make things better. The further in her pregnancy she grew, the more violent Neil got with Billy. She wouldn’t let him put his hands on Billy again. She couldn’t. 

“Go play,” She told Billy gently after dinner, ruffling his hair gently as she took a deep breath and stood. It was getting harder and harder to get around, but she figured it wouldn’t be so bad once the baby was born, “I’ll come in to tuck you in for bed.” She reminded him quickly, noticing the worried expression in his wide blue eyes. He was a social child. Always wanting to be around someone.

“Just hurry.” He whispered softly so only Rosemary could hear him. She sent him a playful wink, praying that this wouldn’t take long. He glanced over his shoulder, walking carefully past Neil to not disturb him before he bounded into his room. 

“No running, boy,” Neil snapped, still catching Billy’s movements from the corner of his eye, “And leave the fucking door open.” He cautioned as if he could see Billy gripping the doorknob from the back of his head. Billy made a face as he released it, before he fully entered his room.

“Neil,” Rosemary held the paper in her hands, feeling more nervous than usual as she approached him. She shifted the weight off of one foot as she drew in a deep breath, trying to get her words forward as quickly as she could, “We can’t keep doing this, pretending like everything is going to be okay. I’ve saved up some money and signed a lease to an apartment and I think it’s best we go our separate ways.” She spoke slow and steady, ensuring that he took in every word as she passed the documents to him.

She’d spent the past month slowly moving things over to the apartment. She started lightly, ensuring that Neil wouldn’t notice what she was doing. She started with a few articles of her clothes, of Billy’s and then of the baby’s. She had already stocked the pantry. She’d be set for at least a little bit. 

He didn’t look surprised as he took the papers from her. His eyes had a blank look to them, his expression calm as he slowly read through them. Rosemary stood there, holding her breath as he read through each page. He licked his finger, flipping to the last page that awaited his signature.

“What about my kid?” Neil asked her, sounding a little dry. She shifted her weight, feeling like he was reacting more calmly than what she had expected. She didn’t miss how he was only referring to Billy. 

“I’m assuming dual custody,” She said softly, though she had plans to get them far away from him. She thought about taking them back to Louisiana, thinking that Billy would like all of the farm animals. They could move further to the south, so they’d still be near the beach, “We can work it out in the court system.”

“You don’t have a job.” Neil pointed out towards her. She bit her bottom lip, knowing that he would bring that up in a way to shame her.

“I’ve been cooking a lot, selling that stuff. I still babysit the neighbors kids when I get a chance,” She explained slowly, “I got a job down at one of the diners. It’ll work for now.” He snorted, like her job was funny. She felt her lips forming into a frown but quickly relaxed her features. She reminded herself it wasn’t that big of a deal, she’d be out with Billy soon enough.

“And if they give you nothing?” Neil tilted his head, looking at her seriously. She felt her eyebrows knitting together, feeling like it was very unlikely that she got nothing out of this. 

“Now why would they do that?” She asked him seriously, feeling like it was ridiculous. She hadn’t done anything wrong. She couldn’t see the courts keeping her away from her sons.

“You’re jobless, I’m sure your apartment is a piece of shit,” Neil started to list off different reasons, “Why would the court side with you?” She fought the urge to remind him that she did have a job. She stayed quiet for a moment. 

“Because I don’t beat my son and wife,” She said pointedly, feeling the anger flaring up inside of her, “And I’ll be damned if you think you’d get away with that.” She told him honestly, knowing she’d fight tooth and nail to make sure their kids remained with her. 

He hit her, the same way he’d hit her for years now. Only this time he didn’t stop. Billy had tried to intervene at some point, but her mind had felt too hazy to fully comprehend what was happening. Neil had kicked her after that; still screaming and cursing as she tried to push herself up off of the floor.

There was blood. Lots of it. Puddling and pooling around her. Her heart thumped lamely in her chest as Billy gently shoved at her shoulder, trying to get her attention. She stared at his wide blue eyes, his nose that was dripping blood too. It took a second for her to notice that he was crying.

“I’m okay,” She said at last, her tongue feeling heavy in her mouth. She tasted metallic as she wiped at her nose, “It’s okay.” She tried to reassure him, although something felt very off. Her heart was beating too fast, her breathing coming out too quickly for her to notice the pain that was shooting up her back.

“You’re hurt,” Billy cried pitifully, drawing her attention to the pool of blood she was resting on. She felt her heart drop into the pit of her stomach, “Mama what’s wrong?” His little voice was strained as he held onto her back, assisting as she tried to pull herself up from the floor. She cried out, wincing at the sharp pains that were traveling up her spine. 

“I’m gonna go to the hospital,” She said at last, though her words didn’t feel like her own. She breathed in sharply, “I’ll be back in a little bit, okay?” She tried to reassure him as she gripped at her side, wincing from how sore she felt. She didn’t know where Neil had run off to, where he was hiding away at. 

“I’ll go with,” He pleaded with her, tugging on her hands as she stood, “Please.” Billy begged, still crying as he clung to her. She breathed in sharply, knowing that it wasn’t good for him to see any of this. He didn’t need to be at the hospital when they cleaned her up and told her what she already knew. 

“Billy,” She was panicking as she spoke, “Everything will be okay. Just wait here and I’ll come back.” She told him seriously, her voice coming out a little sharper from how bad everything hurt. It wasn’t fair to Billy, none of this was fair to him. His bottom lip trembled as he stared up at her and she felt her heart cracking a little bit more. 

“You promise?” He asked her seriously, his eyes full of fear. She felt terrible as she looked down at her little boy. He looked broken, far too worried than what he should be. She felt a sickening feeling growing inside of her chest as she cupped his small cheek in her hands. She pulled a few tissues from the tissue box, gently dabbing his nose as she remembered to slow down for him. He shouldn’t be panicking. 

“I promise,” Everything hurt so badly but she still bent over to kiss the top of his head, “I’ll be back in a few hours, okay? If I don’t see you tonight I’ll see you in the morning. I love you.” She promised him, trying to reassure herself that it would be okay to leave Billy here for a few hours. In the morning she’d pack everything up and they would be gone. 

She felt numb the whole trip to the hospital, felt like someone else was in her body as she drove. Her mind was still fuzzy, her body burning when she arrived. She looked like she had crawled out of a horror movie by the time that she stepped in through the building. 

She wasn’t sure why she’d crawled out to the hospital. She was sure that her baby was gone, that Neil had taken her baby from her. They took her back right away, and even after everything that had happened, she couldn’t tell them who had done this to her. She merely said that she slipped again but no one dared to press for any information. 

Russell had been born a few hours later, smaller than most babies with an even smaller hope of making it. Rosemary knew she couldn’t go back, she couldn’t let Neil sink his claws into someone else. She didn’t know how she was going to get Billy out. She couldn’t arrive with a baby, it would only make everything else so much worse. 

She tried anyway. She waited a week, she waited until it no longer hurt to walk and she wasn’t limping around. She didn’t know what to do with Russell at first until one of the elderly neighbors had agreed to watch him. She felt bad at first, but her other son needed her. Billy needed her.

She felt her heart sinking into her stomach when she realized the locks had been changed. The front door and the back door. Once she was sure she couldn’t get in through that way, she examined the windows, but was still too weak to pull herself up into the house. 

By the time she’d walked around to the front of the house, Neil was there. She felt angry as she stepped forward, her palm connecting with his face before she could stop herself. The sound rang in the open air, her hand stinging from how harshly she’d hit him. He laughed, shaking it off.

“Where is he?” She demanded, her fists clenched tightly together as she stared up at him. Neil rubbed his cheek, still laughing like she hadn’t hurt him at all. She felt anger flaring inside of her chest, knowing that she could do a lot more to hurt him if she wanted to. 

“He wanted to spend the summer with some relatives,” He said vaguely, but Rosemary knew that it meant his mother. He had no one else in his family, “You look awful.” He pointed out, staring at her bruises and swollen skin. She bit her tongue, trying to keep her anger under control before she did something really dumb. 

“I wonder why,” She seethed as she moved closer to him, “Give me my boy back.” She demanded again, not caring how badly Neil hit her this time. Billy was all that mattered, nothing else. Neil walked around her, jogging up the steps as she quickly followed from behind. He acted like she didn’t bother him, like she wasn’t even irritating him.

“He’s not yours anymore,” Neil bounced his keys in his hands, looking at her with a smirk, “How long do you think it’ll take for him to forget you?” He asked her curiously, tilting his head as his words struck her right in her heart. She breathed out harshly, her chest feeling heavy as he pointed out the thing that she’d been fearing the past week. She didn’t want Billy to ever forget her. 

“He’s mine,” She protested, wincing as he shoved her back harshly. He began to unlock the door, looking at her with a sense of amusement as he slid inside. He tried to grip the door, yelping as he slammed it shut on her fingers. She pulled her hand back, nursing it to her chest. She kicked at the door, feeling frustrated at the way Neil easily dismissed her. 

She’d tried Neil’s parents house after that, but they were truly gone for the summer. She huffed in frustration, feeling like her world was slowly falling apart. She’d tried writing letters, even going as far to slide them into Billy’s window. She was sure Neil destroyed every single one. However, she didn’t give up. She kept trying, knowing that the only important thing was to ensure that Billy knew she was trying. 

“Let me talk to him,” She spoke on the phone harshly, knowing it was Neil who answered by the way he was breathing, “I need to see him.” She told him desperately, feeling like her world was continuing to chip and fall apart. 

“You can come by whenever,” Neil said casually, “He’s off playing right now. I don’t think he wants to speak to you.” Neil said sarcastically. She felt like wrapping the cord from the phone around his neck and strangling him. 

“You can’t do this.” She spits out instead, trying to keep herself from breaking down into tears. Her heart hurt so badly, worse than any of Neil’s punches or hits.

“Come home and we can make everything right,” Neil said at last, “We can figure this out together.” He tells her softly, like he wants to really work it out again. She’s horrified by his suggestion.

“You tried to kill me,” Rosemary said, “Billy is mine and if you touch one-” She didn’t get to finish her threat. Neil hung up on her,

She tried the school, but they could no longer offer her assistance. Neil had removed her from everything, gave them clear instructions that she was no longer allowed to see Billy. He made it seem like she had just left, like she had just abandoned him. In some sort of cruel way she really had.

“Edith,” Rosemary spit out as she registered that the phone had answered, “You have to help me-,” She said quickly, hoping that Edith would do this one thing for her.

“Mommy?” Billy’s voice rings on the other end of the line, his voice soft and confused. She thinks that he sounds a little hurt. 

“Billy!” Rosemary sighed in relief, “Oh my god, sunshine. I’m so sorry. Are you alone?” She asks worriedly, fearing that Edith will whisk him away too. This was the first time she’d spoken to him in almost a month. She was desperate.

“Nana is sleeping,” Billy answered quickly, “Where are you?” His voice came out small, like he was about to burst into tears. She felt a hammer beginning to chip at her heart, thinking about all she’d put him through. She was terrified Neil was hurting him. 

“I’m so sorry, baby,” Her bottom lip quivered as she spoke, “I’m doing everything I can to bring you home to me, okay?” She told him honestly. She didn’t know what would happen if she went to Neil directly. She was still waiting for the court to process their divorce.

"Do you promise?" He asked so innocently that it made her heart clench even tighter. She wondered if he had any idea of what had happened between her and Neil. She felt terrible knowing that the last time he'd seen her, she'd been covered in blood. She should've brought him with her, should've exposed everything that Neil had done to them. 

"I promise."

“Why did you leave?” Billy’s voice shook on the other end of the line. She took a moment, covering her mouth as the tears fell through. She shook as she cried, knowing she had abandoned Billy. 

“I was hurt real bad,” She whimpered out, “But I’m better now and I’m going to bring you home. I’m gonna give you my new number, can you write it down and keep it safe?” She thought about giving him her address but didn’t like the idea of him walking around in this part of town alone. 

“Hurry back,” He whined pitifully, making her feel sick all over again, “I miss you.” She felt like falling to the floor, feeling like she’d failed him. She closed her eyes tightly, wishing there was a simple way to fix this. 

////////////////////

Russell wasn’t as easy to care for as Billy was. She was sure that he had colic. He would cry for what felt like hours, his little body tense and fists clenched as she tried to soothe him. She blamed Neil for all of it.

She felt like she was busy all the time, between working and trying to care for Russell. At one point she had to admit defeat and she was contacting AnneMarie and asking for a place to stay. She looked different than how Rosemary remembered and she hoped that things would work out better this time around. 

Working to get Billy was harder than she thought. She’d gone through three different lawyers who all presented her with the same information; that Neil was better suited to raise Billy. It was driving her crazy, breaking her spirit down little by little. 

“But I have a job,” Rosemary cried, “I have a job and an apartment. I know it’s not much but it’s fine. Neil hits him, he beats him. He beat me. Why doesn’t anyone believe that?” She asked, wishing she could find some truth in the matter. 

“Do you have proof? Pictures or anything?” Her newest lawyer asked, his bushy eyebrows rising high on his wrinkled forehead. She sat back in her seat, knowing that none of these men cared about her or her son.

“What about hospital records?” She asked hopefully, knowing she had no pictures of her abuse. She could detail it like it was yesterday, though. That had to mean something, but she was unsure as the lawyer shrugged his shoulders as he thought. 

“Did you say you were hit?” The lawyer questioned her. She faltered for a moment, feeling like she had done something wrong. Edith had technically spoken over her the first time, or else she would’ve come clean about Neil. 

“My mother-in-law made up an excuse,” Rosemary breathed deeply, “That has to mean something.” She asks him quickly as she leaned forward, hoping that it could make Neil get into even more trouble. 

“We can work with it,” He nodded his head as he looked over the papers again. She suddenly felt like she was back in the principal’s office, begging for a chance to finish school, “Is there anything else?” He asked curiously. She thought for a moment. 

“When I gave birth to my second son, prematurely,” She begins to explain, “It was because he tried to kill me. The hospital should have records of that.” She nodded her head. She hadn’t explained what had really happened there either, but she thought that there was more than enough proof that she hadn’t been shoved. 

“Your youngest is alive, right?” The lawyer asked and she quickly nodded her head in return, “We could use that as proof too if the baby had any injuries.” She knitted her eyebrows together as realization settled over her.

“Oh,” She stops for a moment, “I don’t want Neil to know about him. I don’t want him to get a hold of him.” She said quickly, fearing what would happen. Part of her tried not to worry about it, thinking that Neil may try to deny that the baby was his. Then again, he was too prideful to admit to anyone else that they weren’t a perfect family. 

“How do we explain why you were at the hospital?” The lawyer asked dryly, looking at her like she was stupid. She gulped hard. 

“You can’t lie?” She asks him truthfully, “Or just leave that part out? He doesn’t know I had him; he thinks he killed the baby.” She said softly, feeling like her conversation was going nowhere. Her lawyer simply nodded his head, but she felt like the case was already gone again.

She was tired by the time she returned back to AnneMarie’s apartment. She felt like she was failing Billy, that she really was abandoning him and leaving him to face Neil on his own. The thought filled her so heavily with guilt that she thought she may collapse to the ground in a fit of hysterics. 

“What did you call him?” Rosemary pauses as she pulls her hair down from her ponytail. She thinks about cleaning her ears out, sure that she heard AnneMarie wrong.

“Charles,” AnneMarie smiled, “That name just suits him so much better.” She gushed out as she bounced Russell in her arms. He made a face before groaning in protest.

“His name is Russell,” Rosemary corrected as she reached for him. Russell immediately held his arms out, but AnneMarie turned in a way that left Rosemary unable to grasp him, “AnneMarie, stop. It’s been a long day.” She snapped, not feeling like playing this game today. 

“So go shower and go to bed like you always do,” AnneMarie shook her head as she continued to rock Russell, “Charles and I are gonna stay up for a little bit, aren’t we?” She grinned like it was cute.

“Russell,” Rosemary said through clenched teeth, “And you’re not being funny.” She told AnneMarie seriously, feeling like her patience was running thin.

“Rosemary, you don’t understand,” AnneMarie stepped forward, “You may have given birth to him, but Russell is my baby.” She said dramatically, like it was the most obvious thing.

Rosemary's palm connected with AnneMarie’s cheek before she had the slightest idea of what she was doing. She was just so angry. So angry with Neil and Edith and anyone else who was trying to keep her away from her sons. 

AnneMarie’s eyes were wide, her expression stunned as she held her cheek in horror. Rosemary scooped Russell up without another word and packed up the few things that were unpacked. 

They stayed in a hotel that night and Rosemary cried again, knowing that she wouldn’t be able to afford another night. She didn’t know what to do now that she didn’t have someone to rely on. She really was all alone this time.

///////////////////

“Neil,” She was begging again as she held her hand out, pleading for something inside of him to emphasize with her. He hadn’t always been this cruel and she was sure it wasn’t too late for either of them, “Let me see Billy. That’s all I ask.” She told him honestly. She just needed one moment with him. 

“You’re not supposed to be here.” Neil brushed her off, looking irritated as he wiped the sweat from his forehead. He threw his greasy rag down on top of the engine of the car as he turned to face her. She paused for a moment, unsure of how to react to his rigid stance. 

“Please,” She found herself breaking down into tears, “I’ll do anything. Just let me see him.” She sobbed out as everything rushed out at once. She missed Billy so much, so desperately. 

“Why? You’ll only break his heart,” He told her seriously, “You’re worthless. Where would Billy live? On the streets? Do you even care about him?” He asked her seriously. She cried even harder, knowing that Neil was right. It was dangerous to take Billy, but she had to try something. It terrified her, no longer living in a place where Billy knew the number to. 

“Of course, I do,” She was sobbing, hiccupping between large gulps, “I just want to see him. I need to know that he’s alright.” She clasped her hands together, wondering if it would do any good. Neil only stared coldly at her. 

“He’s doing fantastic,” Neil answered shortly, “Far better now that you’re gone.” He looked at her pointedly, like she had been the issue the whole time. She wiped at her eyes, sniffling as she was reminded that Billy could very well be forgetting her. 

“You hit him,” She told him slowly as her tears rolled down her cheeks. She shook her head, “I can’t leave him with you.” Her voice shook as she spoke. Neil pulled the greasy rag off of the engine before he slammed the hood down on the car. She winced instantaneously, feeling his hand across her cheek even though he hadn’t touched her. She was just used to it, like a trained dog. 

“Like I said, things are better now that you’re gone,” Neil started as he stared her down. She felt nervous suddenly, “I don’t touch him like that. Things are like they used to be.” Rosemary stared at him for the longest time, not really believing him. She didn’t know how things could be normal when she was missing. 

“Neil,” She looked up at him, feeling her heart shattering inside of her chest, “I just want to see him.” Neil’s blue eyes looked over her features. He leaned in close, bending lower and lower to her. She felt herself inhaling sharply, holding her breath as she waited for whatever Neil was to deliver. 

“If he sees you, you’re going to crush him when he realizes you won’t ever come back,” Neil says lowly, whispering sinisterly in her ear, “It’s better off this way. He’s stopped asking about you so you can stop coming by.” He told her, sounding serious. She watched as he slowly pulled away and her mind and heart began to spiral as her lips trembled. 

Before she would’ve fought him, would’ve kicked and screamed and did whatever she could to prove him wrong. Now, now she was just tired. Her body still hurt, her mind hurt and especially her heart. She felt like she was slowly losing part of her sanity as she realized Neil was right, at least for right now.

She felt like a different person when she agreed to his terms. She agreed, leaving Billy alone in Neil’s claws as she tried to assure herself that there was nothing else, she could do. She felt like she was signing her life away, submitting herself to damnation because of what she was doing to her sunshine. She pondered for a long time, wondering if Neil only lashed out at Billy to get back at her. Maybe he really would be okay. 

She decided she wouldn’t stop, but she wouldn’t try as hard anymore. Neil was right, Billy would be safe with him for a time. Just until Rosemary could find a real house and support system. It wasn’t easy with Russell, but she made do. Their big divorce proceeding became not so big, and she felt like a failure, a coward. 

She tried to keep positive, remembering that at least Neil wasn’t awarded full custody. Once she was on her feet, she’d come back for Billy. She prayed over it to anyone or anything that would listen or hear her. She couldn’t live without him. 

Rosemary went a different approach this time. She hid a letter in the back of the baby book, detailing and explaining everything that had happened. She hoped that Billy would find it, as she was sure that Neil would never touch it. 

“I thought I told you to stay away?” Neil snapped, looking irritated as he walked out the door. Rosemary glanced over his shoulder, hoping that Billy may be in his car. She was disappointed to see that no one was inside. 

“Just give him this,” Rosemary begged Neil, “It’s his baby pictures. He needs them.” She followed him up the steps, feeling fully desperate as she didn’t know what else to do. It wasn’t all of Billy’s pictures, but she didn’t have enough time to cut and place all of them inside. 

“Are you in them?” Neil looked up at her, his eyes cutting into her harshly. She felt a wave of sadness washing over her, wondering how she ever thought that she loved him. He was a monster and she had somehow missed all of the signs. 

“Not all of them,” She breathes in, “It’s when we were happy.” She said softly, knowing at least part of it was true. She was always happy with Billy, but Neil was a whole different story. She didn’t want to know why he acted the way he did. She didn’t care. She only cared that he honestly treated Billy well. 

Rosemary knew she couldn’t stick around long after that. She was stretched thin again as she searched for another apartment, accepting anything that gave her a roof over her head. She found herself cursing Neil a little more, hating what he’d done to her. 

1981

The morning that Russell turned eight she cried. Not tears of happiness and joy, but of regret and sorrow. She felt so terrible as she was forcefully reminded that she never got to see Billy turn eight. Billy would’ve turned fourteen back in March and she wondered if he’d ever gotten any of her letters. She doubted it. She hadn’t heard from him, not a peep. She didn’t even know if she’d recognize him if she looked. So much time had passed that she was now embarrassed to even look to see if he was still where she’d left him. It made her sick with guilt.

Russell reminds her a lot of Billy, but they still have many differences. They have the same dirty blonde, curly hair. The same blue eyes and freckles across their cheeks. Russell, however, isn’t as active. He doesn’t hold the same energy that Billy did and is a far pickier eater than Billy was. He was definitely harder for her to raise but sometimes she wondered if that was only because she was on her own with no one else to support her. 

“These are nice houses,” Russell says in interest as he clings to her arm. She nods her head in agreement as she pushes the picket fence open, “Would we be living here?” He asks, his blue eyes filled with excitement.

“Something like that,” She tells him with a half smile. The rent for their apartment had skyrocketed and she was no longer able to afford it. She’d caught a glimpse of an ad in a newspaper the other day that detailed a spare room for rent. She figured it was better than nothing, “It is nice.” She confirms as she looks over the pretty flowers and bushes. 

She straightens the front of her dress out as she knocks, wanting to look as impressive as she could. She could feel the desperation rolling off of her and only hoped that she hid it well enough to get through this conversation. She felt her breath stalling in her chest at who she’s greeted with. 

She does a double take, thinking she recognizes the man until she realizes she does. Sam. Her Sam. The one she’d dreamt of for so long to whisk her away from the hell she was living in. She paused as she leaned up on her elbows.

He didn’t look like a white knight. He looked rather rough actually. He had a hazy look in his eyes, slightly glossy as his lips curled into an awkward smile. His glasses kept sliding down his nose and his hair was untidy and slightly greasy. 

“What can I do for you?” He asks in confusion, his voice groggy like he’d just rolled out of bed. Rosemary freezes, sure that he would recognize her but it’s clear that he doesn’t. She feels a fresh wave of disappointment settling in her. 

“I’m here about the extra rooms,” Rosemary says slowly as she holds the newspaper up, “You know, the ones you’re renting out.” She references it just as slow, noticing the confusion in his eyes. 

“That’s my moms doing,” Sam grumbled as he held the door open, “Come on in.” He holds the door open wide, wincing as he slams it against his foot. Rosemary gives Russell a look, begging him to stifle his laugh as they walk inside. 

The house is cute, picturesque. It reminds her of the home that she had built once upon a time. Sadness leaks out of her broken heart once again as she thinks about Billy. She wonders what he’s doing, if he ever thinks about her as much as she thinks of him. 

“It’s in this house?” She asks as she inhales deeply, although all she can smell is the cheap alcohol that’s rolling off of Sam. She begs her heart to keep a calm rhythm, not wanting to give away that she could break down into tears any second. Russell is looking around just as curiously, so she keeps a close eye on him to make sure he doesn’t disturb anything. 

“The guest house,” Sam motions towards the back patio doors, “I live in the spare room here.” He says, brushing it off like it’s no big deal. Russell’s head shoots up as he walks over with a look of mischief on his features.

“Cool,” Russell said with a dopey grin, “How old are you? What?” He protested as Rosemary sent him a harsh look. She shook her head, begging him to be quiet. Sam cracks a grin, like he knows how to deal with kids. 

“My mom’s up this way.” He says to them, stumbling as he walks up the stairs. Rosemary hesitates for a moment, unsure of what to think about him. She follows up anyways, keeping on edge until she’s relieved to see an older woman sitting up at a tea table.

Rosemary is offered the place immediately and she thinks it has more to do with Russell than anything else she presented. Sam’s mother is nice, but it’s clear that there’s tension between the two of them. 

“Can I live with you when I’m that old?” She laughs at Russell’s question as she peers down at him. His hair is long, brushing past his shoulders as she pushes her fingers through his curly locks. 

“Only if you want to,” She tells him seriously as he lays his head against her shoulder, “You may not want to by then.” She teases him softly. He scoffs, like it’s the most ridiculous thing she could’ve said. 

/////////////////////

She sees a lot more of Sam after that. Many times they find him passed out in the grass, his face hidden away by the bushes. Rosemary sighed to herself, wondering how she’d managed to have such good taste in men. 

“I like him,” Russell declared as he pressed his shoe against Sam’s shin, “Can we keep him?” Rosemary gapes at him, watching the way Sam’s body twitches but ultimately falls back asleep. She quickly shakes her head, dismissing the idea. 

“Russell,” She shook her head as she pulled him away, “You’re going to wake him up.” She tells him quickly, thinking that she would be embarrassed if she woke up in this position. Russell just grins in response, obviously still thinking it’s funny. 

“So we should keep him out here?” He asked her, sounding a little more serious this time around. Rosemary pauses for a moment, before she decides against it. She figures if Sam’s drinking habit is this bad, then he’s not a pleasant drunk. 

“He’s not our responsibility,” She tells him softly, “Come on. You need to get ready for school.” She tugs him back inside, but spares one last glance at Sam as a sense of pity forms inside of her chest. 

She still doesn’t know what to make of Sam, but figures he isn’t the worst person when he’s not stumbling through the backyard in a drunken stupor. He usually spends his afternoons helping Russell with his homework. She was quite amazed at his own large sense of information, liking the way he often rambles off into his own thoughts. 

“I didn’t know you smoked.” She said curiously as she stepped outside towards him. She’d spotted him from her window and was surprised to see him not passed out in the yard. She wrapped her robe tighter around herself, her nightgown brushing against the dry grass as she joined Sam on the picnic table. 

“Only when I’m not drinking,” He grumbled. He looked like he was sick, sicker than she had ever seen anybody before, “What are you doing?” He spit out a little awkwardly as he fumbled for another cigarette. She watched the way his hands shook. 

“Thinking,” She told him honestly. She glanced at him before she spoke up again, figuring that Sam was unable to judge anyone, “There’s something I want to do, but I don't think I can.” She admitted as she pulled her knees up to her chest. She looked up at the bright moon, wondering if there was a way to count all of the craters that decorated it. 

“Why?” Sam tilted his head, looking curious as he absorbed her words. She pressed her lips into a gentle smile, thinking that there was a lot on her mind. She started with the beginning, thinking that it would be easier. 

“I never finished high school,” She tells him slowly, “I dropped out Sophomore year.” She didn’t mention Billy out of shame. Not from shame of having him, but rather the shame of leaving him. She feels sick to her stomach all over again and wonders if he’s looking up at the moon right now, the same way she is. 

“Why don’t you finish school then?” Sam asks as he twists the last cigarette around between his fingertips. She watches for a second, unsure of how anyone could pick up such a stinky habit. 

“I’m too old,” She says with a laugh, “There’s no point.” She shrugs her shoulders. Perhaps she could’ve when Billy was little, but there was no way she could do it now. She had no one to help her with Russell while she studied and worked at the same time. 

“Of course there’s a point,” Sam shakes his head, looking at her with furrowed eyebrows, “Go finish your education. I can watch Russell if you need me too.” He shrugs his shoulders, like it’s not that big of a deal. She pauses, not wanting to be rude but also not really trusting Sam. She doesn’t want Russell to have to deal with a drunk on his own. 

“I’ll think about it.” She says instead, brushing off his look as she continues to look up towards the moon. She’s figured that this will be her life from now on and only hopes that Russell can build something greater for himself. 

“You know,” Sam started slowly, “Some people believe that if you leave a mason jar of water out in a full moon like this to give the water energy.” He explained softly as he lit his cigarette. She listened to his words but didn’t fully understand the point. 

“I’ve never heard of that,” She told him, her eyebrows knitted together as she watched him curiously, “Sounds like it’s from a fairytale.” She tells him with a faint laugh, thinking it would be something she would’ve told Billy or Russell. She looks at him intrigued for a moment, wondering what happened to the daughter he’d mentioned so long ago. 

“Maybe,” Sam agrees, “But why would that make it less true?” He asks her seriously and she ponders for a moment. She feels ridiculous as she returns to the house and does just what he says. She feels like a small child wishing on a shooting star, but she does it anyway. She wants a good future, she wants Billy back. She doesn’t want to struggle anymore. It’s a lot, but she hopes it works.

She found out that Sam is a lot easier to talk to when he’s sober, although he does ramble and talk to himself a lot of times. She finds herself watching him, intrigued by the way he knows the history of everything as he babbles on about something that is no longer related to the question she needed help with. 

“You need to apologize to your daughters,” Rosemary says softly as she holds Russell’s head in her lap. Sam had been spending more and more time with them rather than in his parents house. She liked it this way, even if she didn’t tell him that, “I’m sure they miss you.” She watches the way his brown eyes dart away, like he’s not sure how to respond. 

She hadn’t been meaning to snoop, but when he’d asked her to grab one of his former textbooks from his room she’d stumbled upon a mass of letters. It’s a thick pile with colorful envelopes. The handwriting is a neat cursive with little hearts decorated over the name. 

At first, she feared it was from one of his former lovers until she opened it up. She only scanned a few lines until she realized it was from his daughter. Rosemary felt bad as she realized his daughter was writing and drawing to a man who wasn’t strong enough to write her back. She cried after, but not for Sam’s daughter. She’d cried for Billy because she wondered if he had done the same thing. 

“I know,” He said softly as he finally turned to look at her, “I just don’t want to apologize and mess up again. I owe them so much, I want to make sure I’m there for them this time.” He admits before he’s turning away again. Sam is a tough shell to crack, but Rosemary doesn’t back down. She doesn’t want to be in the dark about things with him. She trusts him, even if she shouldn’t. 

"You know," She finally finds the courage to speak again, "We've met before." She gnaws on her bottom lip, unsure of why she's so nervous suddenly. She feels like she's in high school again, like she actually has a crush. It's silly. She's too old to have crushes. She watches the way Sam's cheeks grow dark, how he tries to hide a smile before he's looking at her again.

"I thought maybe you were the one that didn't remember," He said slowly, his brown eyes warm and inviting. She felt her heart beating roughly against her rib cage as butterflies erupted inside of her stomach. She felt a giggle pouring free before she was able to stop it, truly feeling like a schoolgirl this time. She wasn't sure how he thought she could forget him, "What's funny?" He asked, knitting his eyebrows together as he watched her curiously. 

"I just-," She paused for a moment, trying to think if her statement was worth saying, "I used to imagine us running off together. You'd take me far away on your white horse." She pushed her hair behind her neck so she could rest her palm on her cheek. Sam grinned.

"Right to my parents' house," He laughed softly, his long legs stretching out underneath her shorter ones. She breathed in deeply against his touch, craving the way he felt against her, "I was thinking, well I had a thought, you know if you'd be up to it-, Maybe you'd want to go out sometime? Like for dinner, as a date." He rambles on awkwardly for far too long, but Rosemary can't help the wide grin that forms on her lips. It was perhaps the worst way she'd ever been asked out, but she nodded her head anyways.

"Yeah," She felt like she was beaming suddenly, "I'd love to go on a date with you."

1985

“It’s right-,” Rosemary skips forward happily as she gestures towards the building. The bricks look like they’re fading, but Rosemary loves the giant windows that soak in the sunlight. She stares at it for a moment, resting her hands against her hips as she admires it, “Here.” She breathed out deeply, staring up in awe. She thinks that it's perfect.

“This building?” Sam looks at her curiously before glancing away again. He looked messy again, tapping his fingers together as he squinted his eyes in the sunlight. He’d been drinking a few weeks ago, but promised he was sober again. 

She didn’t know why she kept allowing him back into her life, but she couldn’t stay away from him either. She never allowed him around Russell when he was like that. She didn’t think Russell deserved to see that when he thought so highly of Sam. She wasn’t sure what her and Sam were, but they were definitely more than friends. Four years had gone by, and she felt like she knew him better than she knew herself. He brought her flowers, which were always accustomed by facts and how he thought was the correct way to grow them. He'd take her out on dates occasionally, but for the most part he just stayed over with her. They'd gotten fairly good at sneaking around because of Russell. 

She thought that maybe her feelings for Sam ran deeper because they were so seemingly molded together without knowing it. Sam was six years older than her, so even if she had moved to San Diego sooner the likelihood of bumping into him would've been small, but they had gone to the same high school. They also exclusively took their children to St. Georgie's Ice Cream parlor and had previous shitty marriages. Rosemary had even been ecstatic when she'd realized that one of Sam's daughters had attended one of Billy's preschool classes in the summer. She pinned up the picture, just in case.

“Yeah,” She knits her eyebrows together as she turns to him, “Why?” She asked, feeling defensive and worried at the same time. She thought the building was perfect, with a little sun awning on the outside where people could sit if they wanted. She already had it all figured out. From what the name would be to how she would have tables set up and the menu. She pressed her fingertips against the glass, looking inside at the dirty floors. It would be an easy fix. 

“I didn’t say anything,” He holds his hands up defensively before he moves around to inspect it, “Good structure,” He mumbles like he knows what he’s talking about, “How much was it?” He asks again, making her spirits dampen a little bit. She hates being reminded that she's poor.

“Eight hundred,” She responds in dismay, “I’ve been saving up, but I have yet to meet the halfway goal.” She shrugs her shoulders, feeling a little defeated but quickly tries to pep herself up again. She’d been baking and working. She could get there; she knew she could. Sam moved back to give her hand a reassuring squeeze. She stared up at him, feeling a little better as his warm brown eyes flicked over her features. 

“Huh.” Sam says softly, looking full of thoughts as he continued to look at the building. She caught herself smiling as she watched him, feeling grateful that he was just as committed to her ideas. She followed him around after a moment, but then grew bored as she wrapped her arms around his waist. He'd gained a bit of a stomach recently, but she didn't mind. He was still scrawny, just a little softer now. 

“It’s alright,” She sighed deeply as she rested her cheek against his shoulder. He smiled knowingly at her before bending down to kiss her lips gently, “It’s just a silly dream.” She brushes it off, but still finds herself glancing over her shoulder at the brick building as they walk away.

///////////////////

“Can you drop this off at the house?” Rosemary asks, not even thinking as she hands Sam the envelope of money. She was overjoyed as she bounced from foot to foot. She had the meeting with the bank tomorrow and had high hopes that she’d finally get the loan she needed. Things seemed to finally be changing for the better, well for her at least. She still hadn't heard from Billy but hoped that this might be the right way to introduce her back into her life. She was so ashamed, so humiliated that she had stayed gone for so long. She hated herself for it and yet she couldn't find the courage to contact him again. The fear of being rejected weighed heavily on her heart. She was sure that by now Neil had turned him against her completely. 

“Where do you want me to put it?” Sam asked curiously, his eyes darting around before he met her gaze again. She clasped her fingers as she leaned against the table, knowing she needed to get back to work. Sam was just too handsome to not talk to. He had been better this time around; his last slump had been his longest. She blamed it on his ex-wife leaving with his daughters, although she didn't know what to tell him either. He'd gambled away the past two lawyers and hardly ever answered their calls or letters. He never told her why, but she thought it was because he felt so ashamed too. 

When she'd questioned him about why they were leaving, all he could respond with was that Susan had married again. Although Sam couldn't even remember her new husband's name. He had pondered over it for some time, before deciding that it must either be Neville or Ned. Rosemary couldn't even feel frustrated at his lack of remembrance. For as smart as he was, he couldn't remember anything to save his life. He was dumb, but he was her dummy. 

“The cupboard by the stairs,” She sits up as she speaks, “In the third drawer, that’s where I keep all my tips.” She grins as she pats her palm against the table. She’s practically jumping as the excitement courses through her. Even while he's sitting and she's standing, he still seems to tower over her. 

“What?” He looks towards her in confusion as he finishes the rest of his coffee. He slides the envelope into his pocket before he grips his pen and begins to work on his crosswords again. Rosemary watches intrigued how he always seems to know the answer. At one point she swore that he was cheating, fairly certain that no one could actually be that smart. 

“That’s the amount I need,” She told him gleefully, “You know, to get my loan. I finally met the goal.” She can’t hide the squeal that leaves her mouth, feeling like a little kid once again as she speaks to him. He pauses, his eyes lighting up to match her excitement. She'd been talking about it the past few years, thinking that owning a bakery was something that she would actually enjoy. At least the struggle would be worth it. 

By the next day the excitement is gone. She hadn’t seen Sam since the restaurant, which was unusual for him. When he returned the next morning, once Russell was off to school, she could tell what had happened. He’d relapsed again. She could smell the alcohol off of him before she could see him. 

“You put it in here, right?” She’s frantically tossing items from the drawers, just to make sure that it’s not somewhere else. Gone, it’s all gone, “Sam, you put it in here, right?” She begs, pleading with him. He pauses, his eyes still glossy as he sways from side to side. She was neatly dressed but the more she searched for the money the more her hair and clothes slowly became messier and messier. 

“I thought I could get you more.” He says at last, a look of regret crossing his features. She steadied herself by gripping a hand across the counter, her eyebrows knitting tightly together as she shook her head. She prayed that she heard him wrong, that he was lying. 

“Oh my God,” She covers her mouth with her shaking hand, unable to hide the sob that rushed forward. All those years, all the money. Gone, just like that, “Please tell me you didn’t. You’re joking, this is a joke right?” She asked, searching for any reassurance from him. She got none. 

“I’m sorry, Rosemary,” Sam breathed out softly, “I’m so sorry.” He said again, his brown eyes beginning to fill with emotion. She shut her eyes tightly, feeling so stupid to think that she could trust anyone but herself. She knew what Sam’s issues were and she openly invited him to drink and gamble her money away. This was her fault, all hers. 

“I just-,” She inhales deeply, “I don’t want to see you right now.” She told him softly, trying to keep herself from sobbing. She felt so sick. Just when everything seemed to be getting better, it had to get worse again. 

“Rose-.”

“Please,” She tells him a little forcefully, “Please, go.” She held a hand out towards him, unable to look at him as she continued to blink tears away. She waited until he was gone before she broke down. She didn’t understand what she had done to deserve all of this. 

It took a week before she was able to properly look at Sam again. She decided that there was no reason to ponder on it anymore. If it wasn’t meant to happen, it wasn’t meant to happen. Sam may have gambled her money away, but she couldn’t stay away from him. She cared for him, more than she thought she even realized. She already knew that it was Sam's addiction, not him. It was a hard concept for her to grasp, but she knew differently he would act. He had seemed surprised that she had wanted anything to do with him at all and she couldn't fully explain it to him either. The trust wasn't all there, but it wasn't gone either. 

“I got some of the money,” Sam says to her one day, “You know, for the bakery.” She looked up at him, raising an eyebrow in confusion. He’d been sober for the longest she’d ever seen him and had been working odd jobs for the longest time. However, she didn’t think he’d been able to save up that much in such a short amount of time.

“What?” She glanced up towards him in confusion, “How?” She didn’t mean to sound so stern, but it came off that way. She didn't want to hear that he had been gambling again and actually won. She began to grow worried, knowing that it would only make his addiction that much worse. He paused for a moment before he spoke. 

“I asked my daughter,” Sam said with a soft smile, “She said she’d send me some.” He still speaks as if it’s no big deal. She feels like her eyes are bugging out of her head as she stares at him in disbelief. She's speechless for a moment, wishing that he had said he'd been gambling instead. 

“Samuel,” Rosemary felt her jaw going slack, “Tell me you didn’t.” She begs of him, worried that he had truly called one of his daughters for that reason. He furrowed his eyebrows, looking at her confused. 

“What do you mean?” He asked, full of curiosity like he had done nothing wrong. She groaned into her hands, shaking her head in total disbelief. She wondered how men could be so stupid. 

“You haven’t talked to her in how long and when you do, you ask for money?” She asked him seriously, hoping that her words sunk into him. He opened his mouth and then shut it, like realization was drawing in around him. Her heart broke a little bit for Kim, figuring that she must've been the one he asked. Max was about two years older than Russell, not nearly old enough to work yet. He always spoke of the two girls in a different way, both out of love, but the way he spoke about Kim was much more delicate. She was the one with the pretty handwriting and the neat little doodles that he'd proudly show off to her. She remembered that Max liked to mineral hunt with him. He'd also mentioned that Max may not be his but promised that it didn't change the way he felt about her. 

“That wasn’t the only thing we talked about.” He muttered, like he was trying to defend himself. She scoffed and shook her head, feeling as if a migraine was beginning to settle over her. She hadn't had one in a while but felt like this situation was stressful enough to bring it on overnight. 

“Thank you,” She told him softly once she was able to look at him again, “But I can’t take your daughter's money. You ran off with the money, not her. You need to apologize.” She tells him a little sternly because she means every word. She could only imagine how she’d feel if her parents finally contacted her, and it was only to ask for money. She had an urge to call Kim herself and apologize for Sam's behavior. 

“I will.” He sighed as he clasped his fingers together and sat down. She knew what that meant though. He wouldn’t say anything and would hope that this would breeze past. She shook her head but knew that she hadn’t done much better with Billy. 

Things slowly progress back to normal, well as normal as Sam allows for things to get. Rosemary can clearly tell that he still feels bad for what happened, but she no longer cares. She knows what he did was dumb, but she had already forgiven him. It was time to move on. Things do slowly until the previous situation is just a distance memory. When she reaches her goal this time, she doesn't share the money with Sam. She doesn't hide it in the same area either. It makes her feel guilty, but she knows she needs to be safe about it too. 

“I know, I know I’ve made mistakes,” Sam gulped, looking at Rosemary with soft brown eyes. She looked towards him curiously, her hair messy after the long shift she'd just had. Sam no longer stayed inside of his parents' house, rather he stayed in the tiny house with her and Russell, “I shouldn’t have stolen from you. I really have changed and I’m willing to prove that to you.” The ring he presented to her was far different than the one Neil gave her. Neil’s had been small, an afterthought, she was sure. Sam’s ring was golden, with a medium sized band to hold up the rather large diamond. It was an oval shape, with four smaller gemstones on each side of it.

“You’re drunk.” She told him in disbelief, having no idea what she was going to say. She hadn’t expected this of him, not at all. She felt like her chest was tight, like she might break down into tears of joy. His proposal was random, completely rash as she looked towards him in a stunned silence. She could tell by the look on his face that he'd been pouring over this for a long time. 

“I haven’t drank in two weeks,” Sam replied with a tight grin, “It’s terrible, it sucks but I’m doing it for us. I want to be the man you deserve, someone you’re proud of. Please, let me make it up to you.” She shook her head, staring at the ring as he observed her nervously. Her mouth opened then shut again. She had no idea what to say, or how to say it. 

“You want to marry me?” She asked him slowly, waiting for him to tell her that this was some cruel joke. She was sure that Neil only wanted to marry her because he thought he could control her. She didn’t know what she could possibly offer to Sam. 

“I do,” He confirmed with a nod of his head, “Unless you don’t want to. I’d understand. I’m just happy being with you.” He rambled off for a moment, looking even more nervous as he awaited her response. She grinned as she leaned forward and cupped his scratchy face. She kissed him sweetly, slowly.

“I want to marry you too,” She promised him as she pulled away, feeling moved by the emotions that were displayed in his eyes, “You’re not allowed to leave me.” She told him sternly, her fingertips caressing the curve of his lips. He laughed between his own tears but nodded his head in agreement, giving her a silent promise. 

They marry not long after, maybe a week. She doesn’t even care about wearing white or any of that. All she cares about is being happy with Sam. Russell is overjoyed and she swears that Sam’s mom even looks to be a bit happy. They're not perfect, but they're happy. She still thinks that Sam is the most handsome man that she's ever seen, and she never tires of his endless rambling and all of the random facts that he has hidden away. 

“You never let me ask about dad,” Russell said slowly one afternoon, “Which is fine, but you and Sam are together now so-,” He cuts himself off like he’s trying to figure out the right way to phrase his question, “Can I call him dad?” She's surprised at first, but ultimately a smile forms on her lips. She knew that Sam wasn't perfect, but he had been good to Russell. He had given Russell a father figure when he'd never had one. 

“If you want to,” She tells him honestly as she feels tears welling into her eyes, “I think he’d like that.” She nods her head, feeling like things were slowly falling more and more into place. Russell nods, looking more excited as he bounds off to share the news to Sam. Rosemary sits back for a moment, wondering if Billy would've liked Sam too. She gulps hard, wishing she could have her other little boy back. 

It takes three weeks for the bakery to get set up. The whole time Rosemary is bursting in excitement, feeling like something was finally going her way. When they publish ads in the newspaper, she wonders if Billy will see it. She hopes that he will, that he’ll find a way to come back to her.

It doesn’t take long until she’s signing a lease with Sam, that they have their own house that’s near the beach. It takes a while to get the proper furniture, and everything moved in, but it feels more like home than she's felt in a long time. Sam begins growing a garden and documenting the various plants, insects and animals that inhabit the dirt. She doesn't understand it, but he says it keeps him busy. She's happy with that.

"Are you boys hungry?" She shouts out, the nape of her neck still wet from sweat. The AC unit had gone out again and for the most part the house stayed cool, until the sun was pointed in the perfect direction. 

"I am," Russell was the first one up, his long blonde hair was pulled back into a ponytail. His cheeks were red as he walked towards Rosemary. She nodded towards the kitchen, making sure he washed his dirty hands off first, "Yeah, yeah." He grumbled, already knowing what Rosemary wanted him to do. Sam walked a few paces behind him, his hands even dirtier. 

"Look," Sam held out his hand, showing a butterfly with large orange wings sitting on his finger. She peered at it curiously, thinking that it looked a lot like the one Neil had once gifted her, "It's a Mylitta Crescent." He said, sounding quite proud of how easily he identified it. The butterfly fluttered its wings but continued to sit on Sam's finger. She wrinkled her eyebrows up, hoping that she wouldn't witness Sam tear it up the way Neil had. 

"Oh, it's pretty," She agreed softly, liking how the sun reflected in Sam's dark eyes, "You're not really gonna tear those wings off are you?" She asked, furrowing her eyebrows together even tighter as she thought about how badly it must hurt the poor butterfly. Sam's expression dropped; his brown eyes wide with confusion. 

"Tear the wings off?" Sam looked grief stricken for a second, "Why would I do that? It's too pretty to keep locked up, it deserves to be free." He said softly, looking deep in thought as the butterfly fluttered off of his finger. Rosemary watched him curiously, still feeling like he surprised her every day. Her features relaxed as she knew that Sam was too sweet to ever do anything cruel to her. 

It’s almost perfect. She shakes like a leaf as she drives where she used to live with Neil, determined that nothing can keep her away from Billy anymore. The worst he can do is reject her, but then at least she can live with herself in knowing that she actually tried. She’s heartbroken when she’s discovered that a new family is living there. The whole street looks different, like someone had washed all of the other tenants far away. No one remembers Neil or Billy. She realizes for the first time that she was far too late, that if she wanted to find Billy that she had waited too long. 

She doesn’t expect to find him in her living room, staring up at the not so little boy she’d been missing for so long. He’d grown, but she was happy to know that she could still spot him despite how many years had grown between the two of them. He still looked like her, still had his bright blue eyes and long dirty blonde hair. His expression was stoic, remaining hardened and unreadable as she stepped towards him.

“Billy,” She breathed out, a million thoughts racing in her mind, but she ignored them all. All she could do was focus on him, “You’ve come home.” She told him softly, feeling like her world was slowly starting to heal again. 

[possibilistfanfiction]

Genuine question, how did you figure out or realize the whole being butch thing? What does being butch mean to you?

idk if it was like… figure out? more so just putting a name to something i’ve always felt or known about myself. i came out as a lesbian, then i came out as nb, then i was like well i want gender affirming care so that must mean i am Trans™️, & it’s like… none of those words or kind of… vibes (lol sorry) quite fit? i don’t feel like a cis lesbian, & i actually kind of despise non-binary as a concept (don’t send asks abt this i won’t answer them lol, do ur own thing if u love it that’s cool); i think for me personally Transness is a little too serious & intense & limiting to how i feel. & im a white afab person in a smaller body, & honestly…….. we are often the wooooorst demographic of trans ppl lmao so i just didn’t even rly like some spaces i was in. i got the most important gender affirming care i wanted, i moved & i got married, i got to work remotely etc

& so just sitting with all of that it was like. ok well a lot of neoliberal queer spaces piss me the fuck off; i’m not cis, but i’m not TRANS in the way a lot of ppl (very validly) feel; i do Not like nb. i’d read stone butch blues before, i have a degree in critical theory where i worked a loooot w queer theory, obviously i’ve written abt queerness for ages lol. so then i was just like ah. butch. dyke. YAH! sweet. 100/10 feels amazing i love it

& i think for me i love those words most bc they’re rooted in really radical belief that i have. they carry an ethic with them that, at its best & most intersectional ofc, i want to act on, all the time. i want to show up for people & be protective & tough & strong but i also so deeply want to be nurturing & nourishing. i want to allow myself to be nourished & cared for. i think it feels rly wonderful to have a word for transgressive gender that sums it all up bc people lived it before me. they made that very specific & particular space to experience femininity in a way that doesn’t feel like a noose.

i think also butchness is so expansive! something that never sat right w me abt the way we talk abt transness in the west is that i don’t think there are ‘pre’ & ‘post’ transition selves. like… i’ve never been Not Me? like i came out of the womb a dyke. all i did my entire childhood is run around in the mountains, catalogue leaves, play w my dog, read nancy drew, & avidly watch + play any women’s soccer i could. i loved to fish & mountain bike, i grew up in the desert so gardening to me was a miracle. i never cared abt gender at all beyond like ‘well i guess i’m a girl & the women i admire just won a world cup, they’re badass’ & that was it. i liked boys clothes bc they were practical & felt better, but i just. didn’t think about it. ppl called me a tomboy which was fine, i liked scout in to kill a mockingbird so whatever. but i never felt “non-binary” & i certainly never felt like a boy.

& i am… still just like that lmao. i hated my boobs, point blank day 1 lol, but that doesn’t have to mean i’m trans, or that i’ve somehow changed in a way that requires separation from who i’ve been my whole life. i HATE the language of ‘dead/lived’ name; i hate the weird expectation that u should allow the state to have all of ur gender stuff on record (no fucking thank you, y’all can keep my legal name & i will be flying under the radar lol). so i think western transness rly just. irritates me. doesn’t fit. hasn’t ever fit.

so butchness is like. i am 8 year old jude, i’m just older now. if this makes sense ur butch lmao but. it’s this rly free space to play w masculinity in a way that doesn’t necessitate western transness, & also doesn’t necessitate a separation from maternalism, which i fundamentally believe in. i don’t even rly think of my own care as “gender affirming” & more just like… essence affirming. i didn’t want top surgery so my body could be read as male; i wanted it so i could look like me. i want my clothes to feel & fit in a Very particular way bc that’s how i like them. it’s abt practicality, efficiency, comfort.

& lastly to me butchness has a remarkable space for tenderness that masculinity on its own just cannot hold. like. it’s abt being protective & strong, sure, but it’s in service of others. always always always. so sometimes that looks like communicating calmly, sometimes that looks like infinite small acts of service for ur friends or ur partner. when i think of settling into myself it’s more about returning to who i knew i was when i was a kid, when i was the only person my dog liked & how it felt to sit on the swings when the sun was setting after the monsoon; it’s allowing myself to love like that — caring, & quiet, & full.

ultimately to me butchness is about devotion, more than anything in the world. devoted to safety, devoted to community. no one is devoted the way dykes are bc it’s how we survive. it’s how we have always survived — the steadfastness, the faith, the joy, even thru suffering, to not be boxed in. to help each other. to be funny & kind & thoughtful & not reject the absolute best parts of womanhood for the sake of a western box. to demand care. it’s so beautiful. devotion.

tldr it’s the best

[ladydeath-vanserra]

I know cities tens to have more, uh, liberal views or whatever but as someone who spent a majority of my life in rural Iowa, who was then forced to relocate to a city in Minnesota (I would never step foot in this state if I had the choice. its FREEZING) I've never met so many self centered and self serving people in my damn life

i got this coworker who's this white kid from a middle class family who spouts off at the mouth regularly and she says so much shit about rural Iowa if i ever complain about how much I dislike the culture shock here. but it's always "it's so boring" "lol trump?" "weee have the mall of America. there's nothing in Iowa" and im sitting here so uncomfortable bec like

rural areas are regularly forgotten about? we are deep knitted cultural communities bec the government won't Help us? Democrats won't help us. we're uneducated and stupid and ignorant nevrrmind it was systemically created that way for voting. The leftists I've seen (this kid) are full of classism and ignorance

I remember that as someone who grew up poor as fuck in Iowa, we had limited channels. You know what that was? Fox News. We didn't have thr fancy channels and all the 20 different news channels.

Republicans need rural areas poor and divided and angry to get votes. get them mad at the minorities also looking for jobs to keep their eyes off the people further driving up prices. Keep their schools poor and underfunded

Pride in family and community and tradional IS a part of "small town thinking" and a lot of those things are because that is what keeps our towns alive. we have no choice But to help each other. Our pride is our armor and it gets thicker and more bullheaded the more we keep getting called ignorant and stupid

i know there's definitely a lot of problems with rural areas especially for minorities. as a queer person w different pronouns Im hesitant about living in one again and there's also the violence w bipoc and queer communities

and the thing is is that I know a lot of liberals/some leftists here in the city I've seen who will take that struggle and use that as a shield against their own hateful attitudes towards bipoc and queer communities in cities and it takes away a lot of the visibility of the queer and bipoc people who choose to live there

Virginia (unless it was West and I just forgot can't remember rn) was a blue state until Obama came in and took the jobs after promising new and better jobs and communities. Republicans and Democrats both use the Appalachian region and people for their own benefit and Republicans and far right politicians rely on desperation

a lot of leftist things I see are long term plans, that help everyone for the better. these people don't have the luxury of Waiting for Better. Keeping poor folks, in rural areas, desperate is a key tactic from Republicans bec at least they Pretend to care about them. (I have never voted for a republican and I never plan on it LMAO)

you see "pro cop", I see "that's my cousin". you see "pro military". I see "that's my late brother". you see "evangelical church preying on poor people" I see "that's how im going to make dinner tonight"

We didn't get colleges coming to see us. we got the national guard and the army coming to see us. bec the poor, desperate boys wanting an out are the best bet to getting bodies for a war they're too young to grasp

I dunno I just. I hate cities. I hate the shallowness and self centeredness I keep encountering. The unwillingness to help others. the unwillingness to take on an inconvenient few hours to help my understaffed coworkers. and i understand that it's just different cultures and societal expectations but it's really, really lonely. I hate all the buildings. I hate all the concrete and lack of trees and plants and cows and ducks and farms

rural areas are so beautiful and have a lot of nature and I just don't want to give up on my home

[self-indulgent-paw-patrol]

You know how you always apologize in the tags when you go on a Paw Patrol rant? Well, I for one really enjoy your little essays, I love how unashamedly passionate you are about Paw Patrol, how you overanalyze and theorize about it just like I do, it's why I love this blog so much, I love nerding out with you over these cute cartoon dogs

How dare you do this to me when I'm sick and emotional (/j) 😭🫂💜 I'm gonna cry (edit: ok I actually did, a bit XD)

Seriously now, thank you so much too. Every time I see you popping up around in any of my askboxes I go like "OH MY GOD COTTON CANDY SENT ME AN ASK AGAIN AAAAAAAAAAA I LOVE THEM SO MUCH LET'S SEE WHAT IT'S ABOUT THIS TIME" - really, Blue and Eryx can confirm, I go nuts for a whole minute or two in our little Discord server XDD it's always a joy to see you around.

I guess I tend to apologize because it's a little like an automatic reaction... It wasn't THAT MUCH or that bad, but I've been told numerous times I shouldn't focus so much on things that are soooooo not for my age. I always have to remind relatives and their friends that it's people my age or older who get to work on producing these things in the first place. And I know people hear these things since early on too, it's annoying, like what the hell, let us live our little lives, we're not actively affecting yours XD

I still find it funny, how passionate I got about Paw Patrol, because when I started watching it, I wasn't expecting to get SO INTO IT.

When I stop to think, most my profile pics on social media/messaging apps are now of Paw Patrol. I've been watching it since January, right after my dog Dakota died. I got now two blogs (and a half bc I'm sorta "helping" Eryx with her askblog of Everest/Tracker/Rex so I was added as a mod there) only for Paw Patrol stuff instead of mixing it around in my personal blog like most my other interests/fandoms. My Telegram art channel has been 90% Paw Patrol arts this entire year so far, except for commissions. I met amazing people in this fandom and even got one hate comment LMAO there's this old Tumblr saying that states your blog hasn't truly started until you get a hate message 😂 Heck I even bought three toys so far! It's been AGES since I last bought anything fandom related for myself, on anything at all. The one thing that comes to mind is the Lightning McQueen origins storybook last year (still gotta remember to buy Jackson Storm's and Cruz Ramirez's too). I usually make/paint/craft my own stuff instead of buying (one of the several reasons I relate to Rocky!).

I just, wow? It's real. I got this whole thing going on and it makes me smile every day and I don't want it to stop any soon. I started watching the show as a way to soothe myself and relax my stressed brain after Dakota's passing. Didn't expect to get so far. I'm glad I did and that I'm here with you guys.

Thanks for being part of what makes it so special for me too, Cotton Candy. You're amazing and I love it whenever you show up bringing more stuff for me to talk about 💜 PAW PATROL IS ON A ROLL, MY FRIEND, LET'S GOOOOOOO

[stackthedeck]

I fully recognize that being sad about losing my blorbos is not like a Real Problem, but I've decided that given the whole Sabra situation I can't in good conscience ever support Marvel again, and every day I remember another character that I'm never gonna get to see again and I get so sad. How are you dealing with it?

Okay fun answer that is like so deeply unserious but like i do think it is practical if you're like me and fandom has been your main hobby and identity for years. and then i'm putting the more political and upsetting answer under the cut because frankly they should be separate posts but I only got the one ask

I've been dealing with it but like forcing another hyper fixation lmao which you know doesn't work for everyone but like hey join me in booster gold and blue beetle brain rot!! It's super easy to not talk about marvel if all i want to talk about is other characters from dc and indie comics. I'm not buying marvel comics anymore because I've gotta save my money to buy the current blue beetle run. I can't post marvel fics right now, I'm working on boostle fics and I'm hoping that if I scream loud enough about them I'll have convinced enough people to read their comics and they'll have 1000 fics on ao3 by the end of the year

To some extent I still think about the characters in marvel that I hold dear, I'm still doing fandom for them through discord and continuing fics and i still reblog art on here. I do this because the cultural capital of those actions are negligible that the marvel brand and disney company really gaining nothing for it and i truly believe that all art needs to be discussed and thought about especially when the creator is problematic and like deeply involved in politics. I'm still thinking and talking about marvel because the space i gave it in my heart and brain never goes away and like quitting cold turkey this thing that's been in my life since i was 8 isn't super attainable. but I'm not doing these fandom behaviors on tiktok because it's a larger platform with no nuance, a younger demographic, and it's designed to sell you things. If I talk about marvel on that platform, aside from making people aware of the boycotts it is giving disney cultural capital and frankly it'll probably convince people to buy from the disney company. Still think deeply about these works because when we stop looking, we give ourselves permission to miss the actual messaging. when we say art has no value, we can't see it's values it portrays and we let too much shit slide.

I've found that the way i've distanced myself most from all my positive fandom feelings for marvel is through becoming more aware of the politics around comics. Getting really deep into the history of comics and the film making process of the mcu movies scratched a fandom itch in my brain, but most importantly I became so deeply and terribly aware of how the modern superhero genre has so deeply lost the plot. I gave a tedx speech about this on my campus and written a few papers about it but like Jack Kirby and Joe Simon made the character of Captain America to plead with their government to stop the oppression and genocide of their people in europe, they received death threats from nazis because they did that, despite the way people view the character as propaganda for the us military, steve rogers was first and foremost two men using fiction to beg for change and for their government to get involved to save lives. And now marvel studios is using the company they started to platform a character that represents the legitimacy of a settler state, marvel studios who is funded in part by the pentagon, who with every new movie results in increased enlistment in the military, is platforming a character that declares the right of israel to exist as it does now with the same tactics and symbols kirby and simon used to create a character that was made to stop genocide. It just makes me sick. It is a complete and total pervasion of who kirby and simon were and what they stood for. I respect their work too much to continue buying from marvel studios in any form and i can't stomach any of the new storylines the comics are telling because this isn't what comics are supposed to be

I think about this spider-man costume that was found in the rumble of a home in Gaza (link to original post) and i think about how these stories connect us, how there was a little boy who need to feel strong and powerful who wanted to be a hero and he was killed for the crime of being born Palestinian but he's no different than any other child i've loved in my life. and this multibillion dollar company funded his death, sanctioned the idea of it through the art they create, and my tax dollars fund every step of it. When I look at Spider-Man, a character who i grew up with, I can feel only grief and rage.

[charlottesbookclub]

Armitage Hux Headcanons

okay so I'm back at it again with the Hux brainrot. I was hoping to do another little fanfic tonight but I just don't quite have the creative energy for that rn, so instead I decided I'd finally collect all the random Hux headcanons that have been living in my head rent free for years and finally send them out into the world.

General Armitage Hux headcanons below the cut since this got a little long -- oops!

he hates being cold when he sleeps since it reminds him of his childhood. arkanis was cold and rainy, the ships that took them into the unknown regions were cold and sterile. so now that he has his own private chambers, he makes sure to keep a pile of blankets on the bed.

his mother was a baker and was particularly known for her breads. when armitage was little, she would cut slices of warm bread, smother them with butter, then dust sugar and spices like cinnamon, nutmeg, or cloves on top (or whatever the space equivalent of those are). because of this, the smell of bread and/or spices always reminds him of his mother, although aboard first order ships, it's not something he smells often.

he was bullied pretty ruthlessly at the academy. his slight frame, unique hair, and status as a bastard were all mocked and taunted almost constantly. he tried to ignore it most of the time, feigning indifference, but it actually fostered in him a deep-seated mistrust and fear of his peers.

following off that, he struggles to make personal connections with members of his crew. not that the first order really encourages that sort of thing, but friendships and other connections are pretty much bound to happen when you live and work with the same group of people. so he sees that other personnel are closer with each other than others, but whenever he makes an attempt to be more than strictly professional, people always seem put off. this is mostly because he has had so few friends, so he's incredibly awkward and unsure of what to do in a social situation (he's just like me fr fr). it's a vicious cycle.

the visual encyclopedia for tros said that pr*de was friends with both br*ndol and his wife (altho I deny that most of tros happened, just putting that out there. Hux Lives). this is just another reason that he hates pr*de, bc when he came to visit, he would join in with armitage's father and step-mother in belittling him.

he is constantly picking at the skin around his fingernails, often without even realizing he's doing it. this is another reason he prefers to wear gloves at all times when in the sight of others, so no one can see all the tiny little infected cuts on his fingers where he pulled the skin away. this is very much a symptom of his anxiety/paranoia. (also, this one is just completely me projecting lmao)

whenever he's planetside, he struggles to sleep (not that he sleeps very much or very well anyway, but it's even worse when he's planetside). he always assumed it was just the change of environment, which does account for part of it. but actually it's the silence he can't stand. on the finalizer or whatever other ship he might be on, there is the constant whirring and humming of machines. air circulators and the huge engines that keep the whole ship running along with the chatter of droids and the myriad other machines that all contribute to a thick blanket of white noise. the absence of it makes him uneasy, even though he doesn't know that it's the lack of noise that gives him the feeling of being unsettled.

he considers the huge polished war ships of the first order to be his home, but he does think about the sea on arkanis sometimes. fleeting memories will come back to him in dreams, or when he's collapsed in a state of semi-consciousness after overworking himself again. he remembers the crashing waves, the waters that shifted from deep blue to slate grey, the smell of salt on the wind, the screech of seabirds high above, the feeling of the sea spray on his cheeks and the waves lapping at his feet. he dreams of it and, although he will never admit it, he misses the sea.

that's all I have for now! but there are always more lmao. I'd love to hear anyone else's opinions on these or any other headcanons that you might have for our favorite ginger general 🧡

[mutenized]

Red String of Fate

Modern Rockstar Eddie Munson x afab photographer reader!

Not gonna lie to you guys, I was reading this fic (it’s 18+) and got inspiration based off of chapter 6……then I got carried away so I don’t even think I have a word count on this bitch. It’s currently 4 am and as I’m writing this part I’m not even done… so word count? LONG lmao! Thank you dolly for hyping me up

Enjoy!

Tags: fluff fluff fluff! Mutual pining, opposites attract

Also here’s a playlist for this fic! Listen if you’d like, a lot of sad girl pop mixed with pop punk! The series is named after Red String by Sweet Pill!

Fingers danced across your waist as you delve your toes into the soft sand that had cooled drastically due to the rise of the moon and fall of the sun pass the watery horizon. Peace. You were at peace. Any and all wars that currently played within your head, whether you knew it or not, ceased due to the absolute heaven you seemingly ascended to.

Eddie’s arms pulled you from your contemplative state, reminding you of the happiness, the thrill, you were living in. A vacation, together. That was something you never dreamed of happening when you two first met months ago. Yet, the tale of time and chemistry between two people proved to both you and the frizzy haired rockstar that anything could happen.

Eddie’s band, Corroded Coffin, was on a small tour through dive bars and smaller venues throughout the east coast. You had been excited for the Philadelphia date because they were the main band at the small, two-story bar, Johnny Brenda’s, that sat on the corner between the Olde Kensington, Northern Liberties, and Fishtown districts. Bringing along your film camera as well as your digital one as well, you opened your case for the security detail before clambering the tiny stairwell to where the stage was set above the pool tables and larger bar and kitchen that rested at street level. Greeting your friends whom you came to support, you looked to the small table next to theirs where merchandise for the two other openers sat. “Corroded Coffin is a dope ass name!” You hear the drummer, Nick, rattle off to the two young adults who pinned up the rest of the band’s merch on the peg board.

“You think? Eddie and Gareth came up with it themselves between D&D sessions in like, middle school.” The one spoke, a smile on his face and his freckles cheeks making his eyes close. “Yea dude! Y’know Philly has an amazing punk music scene it’s like the origin-“ Nick’s rambling was background noise to you as you hug his girlfriend who just arrived with the last of their band’s shirts. Gem was true to her name, a gem. Guiding you to the small sectioned off area for the photographers, she wanted to make sure security didn’t give you a hard time as they have before.

Setting your case between one of the speakers and the wall, you were too into making sure your camera was properly formatted to notice two figures near you. One on stage on their knees, fiddling with their peddles and wires that ran to the guitar placed on a stand next to the microphone and the other behind you waiting for you to move a hair over to join you in setting up their tech.

“Excuse me, sorry!” The even toned voice didn’t seem angry or bitter as you quickly side stepped to let them beside you. A light brown bob greeted your sights before you saw the angular face and side smile that the voice belonged to. Tapered slacks, a Corroded Coffin shirt, and open vest paired with silver jewelry and a crystal hung on a string were the first things you took in as your eyes gazed from the screen of your camera to the pair of blue eyes looking towards you.

“Hey, you’re (y/n), right?! One, huge fan of your work, like seriously! Two, well, actually. No two. Just be wary that the guys like to grab equipment so you get good shots. I’m Robin, nice to meet you!” A happy yet awkward chuckle left the rambling girl as her ringed fingers expertly secured her lens to the body of her camera and snapping a few shots off the stage.

“Hey! Yes thanks! I’ve seen some of your work and it’s absolutely amazing!” A grin played on your features as Robin went through the three stages of honor; shock, disbelief, and flattery. You both hit it off, chatting haphazardly as the crowd formed behind the metal barricade you rested on and the balcony. Soon enough, lights dimmed and the steady beat of a bass drum filled the room. Screams and cheers followed suit, that was your cue to go into work mode. Forgetting about what was around you, you worked nimbly with Robin to make sure you both got high grade shots and didn’t run into one another.

It wasn’t until the third or fourth song of the set when you went to go switch to your film camera that you noticed the four men on stage in front of you. The frontman instantly got your attention as he donned a pair of ripped skinny jeans and chains, rings, a muscle tank which showed off the opal skin stained with onyx and ruby ink, and a black bandana wrapped around his forehead. The brown-black hair was what struck you, though. Wild and unruly, his curls seemed to make him look even more angelic while if that were anyone else, they’d look like they had no idea to take care of their appearance. He was effortlessly ethereal; put together while also not being put together at all.

Your eyes must have burned a hole into his face because his brown doe eyes caught yours as he roamed the stage before the next song. His stoney, rocker façade seemingly broke for a half-moment as he drank you in before returning to what task was at hand.

Both of you couldn’t deny the intensity that drew both of you in but you found yourself already overthinking like you were getting ready for a date as you photographed the rest of their set.

You see, while your friend’s band was in the pop punk genre, which you enjoyed thoroughly, over time you’ve become drawn to bedroom and indie pop. Phoebe Bridgers, Ethel Cain, The Japanese House, The 1975, just to name a few. Many called it sad girl pop since the songs were catchy and addicting while the message in the lyrics dealt with the heavy reality of life.

So to say you were out of place in a sea of leather and chains was an understatement. Your bell bottom jeans and black ankle boots paired with the babydoll top Gem had made just for you for your birthday that had the band’s logo of a jar of sugar next to a bottle of spilt pills couldn’t stand out even more than it already did. That didn’t mean you didn’t enjoy the music Corroded Coffin was playing but it wasn’t your usual flavor.

With the last song fading, the house lights came back up and you capped your lens after turning the camera off to preserve battery. “Oh my god, (y/n). I have the best photo of you and Eddie staring at one another! Oh dude he’s going to be so embarrassed!” Shoving the camera into your line of sight, your eyes drew to the tiny bright screen. Your lips pressed into a cheeky grin before you peered to Robin through your lashes. “Oh you can’t delete that! Send it to me!” Mischief laced both of your auras, making a deeper connection with the girl who reminded you so much of yourself.

Grabbing your wrist with a playful laugh, Robin guided you away from the security of safety before leading you to the bar where there was the frizzy mass of hair downing a glass of ice water. His side profile was something out of a distant dream you had had years before but that was something you didn’t care about. The same doe eyes that softened when they landed on you found you once more before playful fear filled them as he noticed Robin guiding you towards him.

[clonerightsagenda]

while we're on the topic of social media

Gill Hm Concept: FMA character most likely to be a Twitch streamer Kat hohenheim is a twitch streamer he's if twitch plays pokemon was a father in a more general setting probably that one younger guy whose specialty is radios though, he seems like the Tech Dude Gill Fuery? I could see that For some reason my mind kept going back to Ed discovering redstone building in Minecraft and vanishing off the face of the Earth for a month Kat yeah that tracks but idk if anyone else would want to watch a live stream of that maybe tune in occasionally for videos of whatever atrocities unto god this kid managed to do in minecraft this time honestly my grasp of minecraft was 'caves cool', idk how people are doing mystical rituals in there Gill Ed drops highlight reels once every quarter of whatever nonsense he’s managed to do and then if you want to watch his process it is all archived on Twitch in excruciating detail Al makes fun mob farms and then occasionally he and Ed set each other’s stuff on fire for fun Fuery regrets inviting them to his server Kat I would watch a livestream of Alphonse just to bask in his presence as he pets cats in video games Gill Al takes up coding just to make mods so You Can Pet The Cats Ed attempted Fortnite once but kept getting no-scoped out of nowhere by some rando Maybe don’t make your handle Actual_Fullmetal_Alchemist if you don’t want that kind of attention in-game my dude Kat Amestris blue checkmarks…………. Gill Good way for Scar and also internet trolls to ID targets Kat Father: where did my bitcoin go. Greed:

Gill Of course Of course Father would be into crypto He makes an NFT of the big transmutation circle, also

Kat Re your fma twitch stream concept “The presidents 10 year old headshot me in overwatch and then called me a slur” Gill Ed making a call-out video for Selim over his use of slurs in League of Legends’ voicechat Kat New gamergate Greed: I spent five years curating my beautiful animal crossing village and then my terrible brother broke my hard drive Gill Speaking of animal crossing: it may not be Raymond that Greed gets possessive over but he definitely gets Weird over other people having his favorite villagers in their towns Also: do not discuss shiny Pokémon hunting with this man Kat Ed and Al the incredibly aggressive Pokémon go players Summer 2016 the last peace and joy I knew in my life Gill Ed, about to trespass on government property: This Blastoise better have good IVs. Kat Fights church gyms just to put Pokémon with sacrilegious names in them Gill Ed is the guy nicknaming all his Pokémon “HAIL SATAN” and is part of why gyms stopped displaying Pokémon nicknames Kat Al posts a video on which games you can pet cats in and Scar accidentally likes it Ed: Isn't that the guy who commented 'GOD WILL PUNISH YOU' on my redstone video Al: idk guess he has good taste Gill Alphonse is not personally affiliated with the violent state apparatus and Scar is surprisingly consistent about the ethics of his vengeance quest What can we say Kat Roy is one of those army recruiters going after kids on twitch streams…. they made him do it because he's the youngest Gill Roy, running the Official Amestrian Military Twitch: how do you do, fellow kids. If you have any questions about joining the service let me know! Ed, maybe: hey what’s up, what’s your favorite war crime you’ve committed Kat Roy : the one you will commit for me after I hire you Al: you have to admit he's good Gill Roy’s the one dude they’ve got who can hold his own in an Internet flame war /ba dum tiss Kat lmao commenter: post another video Roy: wow I'm popular commenter: I want to see more of that hot blonde who walked by in the background Roy: hey Gill Ah yes another addition to the “chat inexplicably fascinated by streamer’s partner/roommate/colleague” club Congrats Riza Kat Roy: I get more hits if you're in the videos Riza: I said I would follow you into hell not into tiktok Gill The line must be drawn somewhere Roy Kat Ed gets cancelled by half the internet for disrespecting the troops, reveals his military credentials, gets cancelled by the other half of the internet Gill Why do I still see him trying to take all this with a Knife Cat-meme-type attitude Ah yes. He totally planned for all of this. He has definitely not been owned Kat awful teen Gill Ed: The Internet is great actually, even when you catch shit it means next to nothing in the real world And then he gets doxxed a week later Kat this is what you get for joining the military Ed people keep linking him to a reddit thread tracking Hohenheim as some kind of cryptid Gill Ed like “stop sending me this. That bastard was the one to walk out on us, I’m not about to go chasing after him” Meanwhile Al keeps tabs on the sightings just in case he needs to be braced for a surprise father/son confrontation