#these days you’re lucky if they’re longer than 3 minutes

[whatsagirltoblogabout]

One of my favourite things about watching Psych is that every time I finish a season I can go watch a 6- or 7- minute long blooper reel. Finishing a season of a comedy show and then getting to watch even more bonus behind the scenes fun is one of my greatest joys in life.

[deadhands69]

Something More [than an extra]

Katsuki Bakugo x gn afab reader

MDNI

Setting: fuckboy!Bakugo, mid-time skip, Senior Year of College. Reader did not attend UA high, just joined for university. Enemies to lovers (with a lot in between.)

Warnings, etc: sex (multiple positions mentioned, slightly intoxicated sex), drinking, swearing, angst if you squint. This is the smuttiest one of the series :)

part 1  -  part 2  -  part 3  -  part 4   -  part 5  -  this is part 6  -  part 7 - part 8

You and Mina sit at the window watching Kirishima and Sato spend over an hour clearing the snow from around the building before Todoroki rolled out of bed at 11am and finished the job in 10 seconds flat. You haven't told her what happened last night, but the way she keeps looking at you tells you she somehow already knows.

“Soo are you going to tell me about your night??”

“My night?” you ask, as innocently as you can.

“Yeah, I was in Kiri’s room,” she states simply, before making it more clear: “they're neighbors.”

“I- Oh,” there’s no use denying it. You make a mental note to ask her about her own night being in a boys room that late, but you know she won’t let you dodge the question.

“I'm still not sure how I feel about it,” you rub where he bit the back of your shoulder while staring out the window. “It was fun and I guess it's good to let off some steam. But it's weird. Last week I hated him,” you laugh. 

“Things change!” Mina smiles, “no one said you had to hate him forever. And if he makes you happy, I'm glad you're enjoying it.”

“It was fun but knowing him, it's not happening again. I don't think he does that sort of thing. Besides, I thought you called him a red flag? When did that change?”

“For most people, he is. Don’t tell Jiro I said this, but I think you guys would be really cute together!” her cheerfulness giving you unwanted twinges of hope.

“It’s really not like that,” you assure her, mostly reminding yourself.

A one time thing.

32 Days Later

A one time thing? Yeah, right. you laugh thinking back on the last month. 

It’s mid-February and you find yourself in that same corner of the common room on a late Saturday morning. Your friends are both absent - you’d helped them pick outfits for their dates last night so you know they’re both in their rooms getting ready. Mina and Kirishima had been dating for a month (or longer? None of you were quite sure when that started and they wouldn't explicitly say.) Kaminari had only worked up the courage to ask Jiro on a date two days ago. You’re excited for them both and also happy for the morning to quietly reflect on life: something you haven’t had time for recently.

Taking a sip of coffee, you think of when you told Mina about Katsuki Bakugo the first time. It feels strange now, knowing you’ve spent more nights with him than not since then. At this point, it's almost a routine. 

It always starts the same.

Sometime between 8 and 10pm, he texts you. “Hey.” “You up?” Once he just texted “🍆?”, he’s lucky that one made you laugh. 

Rain or shine, any time of the month - it didn’t matter. Like clockwork, you’d almost come to expect it. At this point, you’ve stopped changing into your pajamas, knowing there’s no point when you will most likely be changing back into clothes to walk across the building in anyways. 

Usually, you go to his room. Occasionally, he’ll come to yours. 

Sometimes the two of you will pretend to watch a movie or other things friends do together, but you always know where it’ll lead. 

Within twenty minutes, he’s grabbing your hair with his tongue buried in your mouth. Shortly after that, whether you're standing or on the bed, he's pressing into you from behind - one hand wrapped around you, the other still tangled in your hair. 

Your phone vibrates in front of you, some social media notification. Pulling it up, your whole feed is pink and full of hearts. 

Only now did you realize it’s Valentine’s day. How had that not come up at all while helping your friends pick outfits?

Maybe it did, you've always blocked this stupid holiday out. 

Doesn't matter, you think to yourself. Not like you're spending it with anyone. It'll be just another day, with any luck a quiet one. 

And it is. 

You spend the next six hours in your usual spot, working your way through a book. At some point, you realize you'd been trying to read the same paragraph for twenty minutes but your mind keeps drifting off. 

Back to him.

Always back to him. 

Privately, he's not as explosive as you'd known him before. That's not to say he's particularly gentle either. 

The way his hands grip your hips, pulling you into him while he pounds you from behind. You're almost always covered in slight bruises but you notice he's careful to avoid grasping the darker ones.

How his teeth find your lips in every kiss. At first you found this weird, now you've come to expect it. Feeling a rush seeing him grin in public, knowing exactly what those teeth do to you. 

How hard (and often) he makes you cum. You've spent hours in his room where he'd fuck you until you could barely stand - your body convulsing under his touch, pressed tightly against him. His hands holding you from collapsing into a puddle on the floor. 

All that, then you'd leave. Not that you always wanted to. Sometimes you wonder what it would be like to fall asleep with him, his strong arms wrapped around you as he breathes gently into the back of your neck. 

Of course, he’d never explicitly asked you to leave, but you understand the situation well enough to know when it’s time to go. So does he.

Maybe it's the lingering cold weather making you want for more coziness or maybe this stupid holiday got to you. Today, you find yourself wanting more than what it is. 

Eventually, you go back to your dorm room. Still thinking about him. 

You know Bakugo isn’t busy on a date, he doesn’t do stuff like that (plus, you spent most of the day in the common space watching everyone come and go so you’re almost certain he didn’t leave his room today.) Your expectations for hearing from him are low though - you also understand that he probably doesn’t want to text his fuck buddy to come over on a romantic holiday and give the wrong impression. The clock strikes ten and you change into sweatpants to get ready for bed.

KNOCK KNOCK.

Rushing to the door, you hope it’s not one of your friends after a bad date. To your surprise it’s- 

“Bakugo, hi?” your voice is tentative and a bit confused. To be honest, you don't mind seeing him at your door on Valentine's day you just didn't expect to. 

“Hey Backfire, I figured you’d be awake. You always stay up way too late,” he grumbles before glancing down at the open bottles of champagne in his hands. They're two different brands. “Uh, my friends opened these with their dates before they left and dropped off the leftovers outside my door.” He presses the more full bottle into your hands before taking a swig off the other, “drink it, I’m not finishing these on my own.”

You laugh, gesturing him in. 

He isn't quite drunk but his cheeks are more flushed than usual, making the scar under his eye stand out. It's cute, in a rough way. Like him. 

Taking a sip, you check out the label. It’s fancy, pink, and tastes sweet. You would guess Kirishima bought this one to impress Mina.

Bakugo is working through a bottle of Cooks; that has Kaminari written all over it. 

Curiously, you tell him your guesses. 

“That is correct,” he lays on your bed, one foot folded over his knee with the hand holding the bottle resting over the edge. “Soy Sauce Face left some too but I finished that one before I walked over.”

“Wait, Sero is on a date?” you can’t help but laugh a bit, he’s nice but you can't really picture it.

“Yeah, all those dumbasses were really excited for this stupid holiday,” he mumbles, rolling his eyes. 

“That’s fine - free champagne for us,” you say, trying to steer the conversation out of the awkward direction you could see it heading. Sitting on the bed beside him, you bring the bottle back to your lips. 

There's a momentary pause, but that's okay with him. He's just quiet sometimes. It's funny, you weren't really sure when you even became friends but now you know all of his little conversational habits. 

“Yeah, idiots.” he says finally. 

The conversation flowed easier from there. Both of you agreeing it's a bad excuse for a holiday (although, you are excited for day-after candy sales.) You talk about school and the classes you're each taking. He tells you about his hero work. Before you know it, you're sharing childhood stories. The two of you end up talking about life for what feels like twenty minutes, but the clock on your desk indicates it's well past midnight. 

Bakugo is quiet again. There's nothing but the sound of people giggling outside in the distance and your favorite band playing at a low volume. It's comfortable. He's scrunched up on your bed, head resting on on his arm while he gazes out the window. The dim light from your small lamp illuminates his face perfectly. His resting face looks angelic, a fact that used to make you cringe but now it gives you other ideas. 

Leaning over, you tip his jaw towards you to press your lips onto his. He tastes sweet. Kissing him gently, you wish you could stay like this all night but you aren't sure if that would be okay in your arrangement. So, you push for more. You climb over his lap to straddle him. Normally, he's the one in charge but he doesn't seem to mind this. His big ruby eyes peering up at you, slightly glazed over from the champagne. 

This time feels different. The way he kisses you is less frantic. Still passionate, but not as rushed as usual. 

Rolling your hips into him, his hands slide down your back to press you down harder. You let out a soft moan into his mouth, grinding into him with all of your weight. He arches his hips into you, still gripping your lower back. 

God, his eyes are so fucking beautiful when he looks up at you like that. 

His hands glide up your back, taking your shirt with them. You do the same, pulling off his hoodie and tank top like you've wanted to most of the night. The skin to skin contact feels warm as he drags you back down to keep making out with him. 

Eventually, he rolls you onto your bed and sits back on his legs. Your fingers trace his now apparent bulge, his cock painfully straining to be released from the sweatpants and boxer briefs confining it. He removes both. You follow suit, throwing your own clothes over the edge of the bed. 

Normally, he'd prep you with his fingers but you've been grinding against him for half an hour now and you're desperate for release. 

Crawling over your bed, you reach into your bedside table for a condom. Bakugo is already behind you, continuing the friction you'd built up all night. 

His hand reaches to take it from you but you're feeling bold. There's something you've always wanted to try. 

Ripping the wrapper off, you put the latex to your mouth - sucking the tip in. It doesn't taste great but is so worth the mild aversion to see the look on his face when you wrap your lips around his dick and slide the condom over his length. Jaw still slack, he stares down at you in amazement before letting out a half laugh. The subtle light glints on the tips of his teeth. 

Regaining composure, he shoves you back onto your bed. The sheets feel cool in contrast to his warm body climbing over you. 

“You sure you're ready,” he murmurs into your ear, “I can-”

“Need you in me now,” you whisper back, lining him up with you. 

He nods. 

With a grunt, he shifts closer and presses into you. You feel yourself expand, clenching around him while he begins to move. 

He stays close. Arms wrapping around yours, caging you to the bed while the skin of his stomach softly grazes yours. Your hands find his back, scratching lines over his scars to pull him closer. You want to last longer but the build up is too much. 

Pleasure surges through your body; you feel it rush all the way down to your toes. You're riding it out, gasping into his chest while you feel yourself fluttering around him. He follows quickly, throwing his face into your shoulder. 

His voice is breathy as he presses his lips into your neck.

“[y/n]”

part 7

m.list

Taglist: @anonymity-222 @k1tk4tkatsuki @arsonfrogger @dragonscribble @kalulakunundrum

@screaming-dough @rikislove

[deathblacksmoke]

Sweet Disposition // Prologue

Pairing: Nick Ruffilo x Noah Sebastian

Word Count: 1.1K

Series Summary: 6 months after the conclusion of the Dramamine series, an overworked Nick is talked into taking some much-needed time off from the bar and decides to take Noah on a road trip.

Content Warnings: None in this one! They will be updated by chapter.

Author's Note: I figured it was time to actually start the series I promised and I hope y’all enjoy <3

banner by @darksigns-exe 🩷 || taglist sign-up

The minutes drag by painfully, his eyelids drooping as he trudges through the night and waits for Noah to walk through the door. They’ve both been working a lot lately — Noah’s shop has seen an uptick in business after the closure of another neighborhood spot and the open mic nights have taken off. Bud added an extra night every other week, and the bar is seeming a lot more busy overall. At the end of the day, he’s grateful for the extra tips.

They’ve fallen into somewhat of a routine together. Noah leaves the shop late and comes into the bar to keep Nick company until it’s time to go. More often than not, it’s well into the small hours of the morning, with no time or energy for anything other than falling into bed when they come home. It’s not ideal for them, but they make do, squeezing their mini date nights into Nick’s breaks and the lulls and when he pawns patrons off on Folio now that he’s fully trained. They seem to like him a lot better, anyway.

His phone buzzes in his pocket and he tries but ultimately fails to hide his giddy excitement. He feels like a teenager again as he reaches for it, hoping for a text from Noah telling him he’s outside or on his way. He finds he can’t help it when he reads the text and his smile fades.

Running a little late Nicky. I’ll be there around 11.

In a flash, it sets in how little time they get with each other these days. They’re lucky if they have a day off that lines up. They get a few dinners a week, maybe a lazy day at home together every now and again. He wonders briefly why they don’t coordinate their schedules better before it occurs to him for the very first time how quick he is to pick up a shift when Jesse’s sick, or when Folio wants to go out of town, or just because.

Without his own permission, he’s allowed himself to fall back into his old habits, spending every moment at the bar. He tries to keep his mind from traveling back to the last time he allowed this behavior from himself, how that had ended up for him. 

He’s startled out of a trance by a shove and looks around to see Jolly towering over him with a curious look on his face.

“Is there a reason poor Folio is juggling a full bar and you’re in your own world over here?”

He considers his options, debates whether he wants to get back to work or tell Jolly the truth. The longer he thinks about it, the more he finds he doesn’t want to be here right now — he wants to be with Noah. He decides to go for the truth.

“I miss Noah,” he admits, shrinking into himself as Jolly’s expression softens. “I’m here all the time, and I miss Noah.”

He doesn’t love feeling pitied under Jolly’s gaze. It makes him feel so terribly small. He hates when people feel bad for him, but stops momentarily to consider that maybe it's exactly what he needs.

He doesn’t want to think about how easy it would be for these old habits to eat up his relationship with Noah until there’s nothing left, just like they did with his last one. He can’t bear to think about this one going down the same path, these behaviors to set a precedent, marking him a failure forever and, worst of all, costing him Noah.

“Are you finally going to take the time off like I’ve been begging you to?” Jolly asks, interrupting his thoughts. “You’re here all the time by your own choice, Nick. If you want to take a few weeks, we have enough staff, we can work out the schedule.”

He goes back to the first time Jolly ever suggested a vacation — more than 3 years ago, before everything went south. He hasn’t been away from the bar for more than 4 days in a row since before he lost Jasmine, and the thought of it makes his stomach turn.

A piece of him feels that he’s being overly dramatic, but he says it anyway. “I couldn’t stomach losing him, too, Jolls.”

Jolly chuckles, but Nick doesn’t feel judged.

“Here,” Jolly starts, taking the rag from Nick’s shoulder and throwing it over his own. “I’ll finish out the night with Folio while you go do whatever you need to do. Let me know what you decide and we’ll figure out the schedule.”

He plants a wet kiss on Jolly’s cheek before turning on his heels and leaving, not needing to be told twice. He briefly catches the grimace Jolly’s face shifts into, but only throws him a thanks! before slamming the front doors open.

Nick peers through the front door of the shop for a few moments, admiring how cute Noah looks focused on whatever he’s doing on his computer. He basks in it a little, watching him at work, before tapping on the glass.

Noah’s expression is confused for only a moment, before his mouth spreads into a grin. As he moves from behind the counter to come open the door, Nick feels giddy, like this is something so fresh. It still feels like that with Noah, sometimes.

“What are you doing here?” Noah asks, his brow furrowing with confusion again. Nick just wraps his arms around him, pulls him tightly into a hug, presses a kiss to his cheek.

“Jolly let me go early tonight,” Nick offers, leaving out all the internal suffering that led up to it. It’s not something Noah needs to worry about. “I wanted to ask you something.”

“I’m listening,” Noah says, closing and locking the door behind Nick and leading him inside.

“Do you think Autumn and the guys can look after the store without you for a couple weeks?” He asks — Noah gives him a suspicious look, but nods anyway. “Wanna go away with me?”

Noah’s eyes light up, and it’s that joy that Nick lives for. “Where would we go?”

He pulls Noah’s face down to his, a hand cupping his jaw. He brushes a thumb over his cheek, but doesn’t let their lips meet yet.

“Wherever you want,” he offers, watches entranced as Noah’s cheeks pink, his face spreading into a grin again, his pretty brown eyes sparkling. Nick is so in love with him. “Just say yes.”

Noah nods as he pulls Nick in for a kiss.

tags <3

@circle-with-me @darksigns-exe @baddestomens @ladyveronikawrites @sitkowski

@somebodyels3 @sorrowsofsilence @collapsedglasshouses @cookiesupplier @screamsinsilver

@spicywhenspeaking @lma1986 @abiomens @agravemisstake @cncohshit

@xserenax-13 @dominuslunae @poisongirl616 @iknownothingpeople @thisbicc

[jvngkook97]

Muse

synopsis; in which Jungkook is a contestant on a reality show for top artists in the nation and he asks you to partake in a FaceTime interview at the last second.

pairing; artist!jungkook x girlfriend!reader

genre; fluff, humor, established relationship, art of the soul au, drabble

warnings; suggestive dialogue

rating; 18+

w/c; 2,862

a/n; you do NOT need to read the art of the soul series in order to read this, but feel free if you wish to do so! i’ll even leave you a little link down below ;) also, don’t mind me posting this randomly, just trying to get back into the groove of writing again. enjoy~ don’t be a silent reader! <3 feedback is always appreciated and helps to keep this writer motivated to put out more content – like this! all the love, always.

Read AOTS Here -> 01

Calling Jungkook…

The call connects and you’re greeted by Jungkook’s dreamy smile. Your heart skips a beat at the sight of him. Even through a video call, he gives you butterflies.

You watch as his eyes light up when you join the call. His smooth voice is just as sweet as you remember.

“Hi beautiful.”

“Jungkook! Hey!” Your eyes greedily rake over his laxed figure that sits in a random chair. It’s been months since you’ve last seen him in person, the last being the day he left to start filming for the reality show he’s currently partaking in. “How do you look even cuter than I remember?”

“I could say the same about you!” He throws his arms out at you with a gusto, leaning forward in the chair to get close to the phone he precariously has propped up against a stack of decorative books that litter the mock living room set around him. His face morphs into one of disbelief at your own natural beauty he hasn’t had the pleasure of seeing for so long.

“I missed your face.”

You find yourself blushing; the words having slipped out of their own accord. This virtual reunion is stirring up more emotions than you expected. You want to reach through the screen and pull Jungkook close. He smiles softly and leans even closer to the camera.

“I miss yours too. So damn much.”

For a minute, you both just savor each other’s presence – even if it is only through a phone screen. Then, you break it, begrudgingly. You don’t know how much time you have left with him until the interview starts.

“Are you in the studio?”

Jungkook grins and nods, you stretch your neck as you try to take in the scene over his shoulder, as if the action itself could somehow make you see better…it doesn’t. What you can see in your limited view, however, is this. The space is bustling with artists, models, and crew members – filling the studio with chatter that filters in from the background through your own phone speakers.

“Yep! This is where all the magic happens. And the less than magical stuff, too.”

“I’d rather you come make some magic over here.” You give Jungkook a seductive look, and he returns a smirk. A fire ignites in his eyes that you’ve been missing since he left.

“I bet you’d like that.” You don’t miss the way his voice drops when he speaks next that has you subconsciously wetting your lips, reminiscing on previous intimate moments between you both.

Jungkook is sitting at what you believe must be his work station, but his attention is all on you. His model must be taking a break, so you’re both free to gaze into your phones like lovebirds for a while longer.

“I’m feeling pretty lucky that I get to talk to you in the middle of a shoot like this.”

“Me too! How long do I have you all to myself?”

Jungkook shakes his head with disappointment.

“Not long enough. I’m sure they’re going to barge in on us with cameras any second now.”

You pout cutely, it makes his bunny smile appear.

“We’ll have to make the most of this moment then.”

Jungkook offers a content sigh before a mischievous smile spreads across his face.

“Why do I suddenly have the urge to skip the rest of the challenge and talk to you all day?”

Your eyes light up with an idea. You snap your fingers at him, pointing.

“Just do it! Tell the hosts you got locked in the supply closet.” You present your suggestion with a cheesy grin, and you both laugh. It feels good to joke with each other, even just for a minute. Jungkook looks tenderly into the camera at you.

“I missed the sound of your laugh.”

He continues to look into the camera with adoration in his eyes. You spent a beat in silence, content to finally be chatting again, grinning madly. Inwardly, you’re cursing the stupid show rules that don’t allow phones in order to avoid any spoiler leaks.

“Thanks for doing this on such short notice. They literally didn’t tell us about it until there was already paint on our models.” He has a small scowl on his face, and you can’t help but laugh at the mental image of twelve frenzied artists finding out about their bonus challenge.

“No problem! I’m happy to be here, and uh–,” you fidget nervously, looking down at your fingers that sit atop the desk you’re currently using for this spontaneous interview located in your shared apartment with Jungkook. “Thanks for picking me.”

You feel a warmth in your chest as you say it, cheeks gaining a small tint to them at how flustered you feel about him choosing you of all people to be the subject of his interview. You flashback to when he first asked you, only a little bit ago.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

20 Minutes Earlier - Texting

Jungkook: Baby? Are you there? It’s kind of urgent 😬

Is everything okay? 😯

Jungkook: I’m fine! Just short on time.

What’s up?

Jungkook: I’m in the middle of a storytelling challenge. And they just told us we each need to video call a guest for an interview.

OMG am I your phone-a-friend???

Jungkook: Of course you are 😂

What an honor! I’d love to, I just wish I had a little time to prepare. Lol.

Jungkook: I know it’s short notice…it was a surprise to us too. The director said they want to introduce the top 10 and “share our stories.” There’s no one I’d rather have representing me….no one else gets me like you do. 👉🏻👈🏻

I’ll win the hearts of thousands of new fans for you 😉

Jungkook: I honestly think you would. When I’m talking about my muse, I’m in my best light.

I’m a strategic advantage 😘

Jungkook: I bet together we could shake off some of the negative attention I’ve been getting. I also, obviously, miss you like crazy. What do you think? Can you do it?

I’d love to! Do I get to tell everyone I’m your favorite person?

Jungkook: Of course you do ❤️

I might start gushing about you during the interview, hope you don’t mind 😚

Jungkook: I think I’ll get a gold star if one of us starts crying so….. 😉 Are you ready? I’m about to start the call.

Go ahead 😊

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Present Time

Jungkook smiles warmly into the camera. His voice is tender, eyes sincere.

“I wouldn’t want anyone else. Plus, it means I get to see you. It’s so good to hear your voice.”

“I’m just happy I was actually free when you called, though let’s be honest–,” you shrug your shoulders. “I would’ve dropped anything to help you.”

“Thank you, baby. But seriously, right? They definitely thrive on chaos here.”

Jungkook shoots a glare off screen, presumably at the camera crew. He sighs as they move into frame and set up around him.

“Here comes Rick, I think they’re going to start the interview now.”

“Already? I haven’t practiced at all!”

Your heart pounds, but Jungkook eases your worries with a sly smile.

“Don’t overthink it.”

After the camera crew piles around him, a smarmy looking man with a microphone — Rick, one of the celebrity judges — slides into view and sidles up next to Jungkook.

“Hello! Thanks for joining us today! Now, Jungkook, who do we have here?”

Rick’s eyes dart between Jungkook’s and yours with an exaggerated air of excitement, something you’re positive he’s done multiple times being on camera cause he was used to it. However, with your line of work of being a model, you were not.

Interviews weren’t mandatory, only posing for pictures was. And that? You were an expert at. Jungkook could see you begin to fidget nervously and opted to take the attention off you, if just for a moment longer to get your bearings together.

Jungkook squared his shoulders and sat up straight, puffing his chest even a bit in pride before he spoke, his eyes never leaving yours.

“My guest is y/n. My muse.”

You try to swallow your nerves as Rick peers at you through Jungkook’s phone. Your only line of defense is to smile broadly and hope your voice doesn’t crack.

“Hello!” Seemed cheery enough you think, albeit a tad shaky, but if anyone noticed they didn’t say anything.

Jungkook offers a proud smile as Rick effortlessly dons his tv host persona. He speaks directly into one of the studio cameras, flashing a knowing grin.

“You know, I had a feeling Jungkook was going to call you today.”

“I heard Jungkook has been hyping me up.”

Jungkook shrugs as if to say there’s no denying it. He offers a humble defense to keep the mood light.

“I’m a pretty big fan.”

“Yes, we’ve heard a lot about you. If I didn’t know better, I might think Jungkook has a bit of a crush!”

You gulp, unsure of how to respond. Doesn’t he know you’re dating? Before you can figure out what to say, Rick laughs and gives Jungkook a playful nudge.

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding! Y/N, I can tell Jungkook doesn’t use the word “muse” lightly. What’s it like to be such a source of inspiration?”

“I would say we both inspire each other. We energize one another, you know? Creatively and otherwise. We keep a fire going in each other.”

Rick nods knowingly, but your eyes are on Jungkook, who is absolutely beaming.

“What a beautiful sentiment. Is it hard to keep that fire going while he is away with us?”

Now it’s your turn to square up your shoulders in pride and confidence, voice strong and words absolute.

“If the episodes I’ve watched told me anything, it looks like Jungkook’s creative spark is alive and well.”

Rick keeps the interview moving at a clip, eager to ask his next question.

“It sounds like you two know each other quite well. How did you meet? Is there a story there?”

Now that you think about it, you don’t think you ever told the world exactly how you two came to meet yet. Though it’s nothing unique, the world will come to find.

“We met online, technically. I’ve always been a fan of Jungkook’s artwork and was interested in purchasing a piece of his. He asked if I wanted to see it in person before making a final decision, so we met up. Hit it off immediately and we’ve been inseparable ever since.”

Rick have a chortle with a shake of his head.

“Ah, the internet. It’s amazing how it brings people together.”

“It’s been a journey for sure! From sending a single message to–,” you gesture around you, eyes wide with disbelief and expression full of happiness. “–all of this!”

Rick raises a hand to his ear, ready for you to spill even more gossip and juicy details. The caricature of it all makes you want to laugh, but it puts you at ease at the same time.

“What is he like off set? Let’s give the folks at home an idea of who Jungkook really is.”

“He’s every bit as charming and fun as he seems on camera, maybe even more.”

“Here on set, we’re getting used to Jungkook goofing around before the challenges kick off. Some people thrive in the spotlight, and I love it almost as much as the cameras do!”

“You can always count on him to put a smile on your face.”

Jungkook gives a sheepish look, clearly flattered but with the fluster of feeling called out.

“Well, I’m not going to shut myself away with twenty other artists without making a few friends!”

The three of you laugh together before Rick clears his throat to ask the next question. Jungkook leans back in his seat with a satisfied grin.

“I understand your relationship with Jungkook isn’t purely an artistic one. Give us the juicy details!” Rick leans forward in his seat with a gusto, using his entire body to show exactly how much he wants you to give something for the cameras and for the show itself.

“We love to have fun and explore our creativity. He has this playful energy that’s so infectious. He isn’t afraid to get messy, so there’s never a dull moment.” You smile wistfully as you try to explain what you find so special about your relationship with Jungkook.

Your heart races as you recall memories of laughing together while you worked on his audition reel. You center yourself by keeping your eyes on him, trying to mirror his relaxed demeanor.

“We always have something exciting going on, televised body painting competitions included.”

“I’m sure the excitement doesn’t stop there.”

Rick gives Jungkook a teasing look.

“It sounds like you and y/n have something really special. How did you pull that off?”

Jungkook keeps his lax position, hands folded on top of his crossed knees. As he answers Rick, his eyes stay focused on yours, sending you a small bunny toothed grin that you can’t help but beam at yourself. Your entire body buzzes with warmth.

“I had some luck on my side the day we met, for sure, but – you’re right, Rick. This is really special. I’m grateful everyday to have y/n in my life.”

You let Jungkook’s words sink in, and they wrap around you like a warm hug. You could lose yourself in the sound of his voice echoing in your head, but Rick snaps you out of your gleeful silence.

“Now, y/n, why do you think Jungkook has what it takes to win the competition?”

That’s easy, you think.

“He can do anything he sets his mind too.”

“Thanks, y/n, that’s really sweet.”

Rick let’s out a sigh only one who has the privilege of being in love can make as his eyes dart between both you and Jungkook’s own lovesick expressions, completely disregarding the fact it’s being caught on camera for the whole world to see.

“What a fantastic way to close out this call, don’t you think?”

You nod, albeit reluctantly to have it end, wanting to spend as much time talking to (or about) Jungkook as much as possible. That interview turned out to be a breeze, and for that, you’re exceedingly relieved about.

“That is just about all the time we have, though. Thanks for joining us, y/n!”

You wave at the camera.

“Bye Jungkook. I miss you! Can’t wait to hug you again!”

“I miss you too, thanks for calling in!”

Rick all but skips out of view, a train of cameras following behind him. Jungkook holds his phone once again, taking a moment to say goodbye before returning to the chaos of the challenge.

“Wait, y/n! Don’t hang up yet!”

Jungkook’s whole face is one of pure panic as he sees you reach to end the video call, you believing that that was the unfortunate end to your time with him. You jerk your hand back away from the button in surprise.

“Oh! Sure! I’m here, I’m here!”

You throw your hands up in front of the screen so he can see, in fact, you’re not going to press anything. He lets out a puff of air and you both laugh a little at what just transpired. Jungkook looks over his shoulder to make sure Rick and the crew are gone before speaking.

“I couldn’t say this during the interview but–,”

“You have very sexy ideas roaming around your head right now?”

You waggle your eyebrows playfully, but the way you bite your lip has him know you’re half serious.

“How did you know?”

“Because I can’t stop thinking of your hands all over me either.”

Jungkook smirks, a hint of wildfire in his eyes. His voice drops with his next words.

“And what, pray tell, are my hands doing exactly?”

“Whatever you want them to do.”

He lets out a big exhale from his nose, nostrils flaring, and jaw clenching from hidden desire.

“I can’t describe it in words, but the next time we see each other–,” you swear you see his eyes turn a shade darker as he says his next words, no, promise. “–I do plan to show you.”

Your body vibrates in excitement and you can’t help but prod him further.

It’s been way too long.

“Can I get a preview?”

He looks around and rubs his neck nervously.

“Not right now, Rick would have a field day with this “scoop” if he overheard us.”

You chuckle. He has a point. With every contestant and crew member close by, the details of this conversation will have to wait. But you can tell from Jungkook’s face that the only thing he wants more than winning is getting some alone time with you.

“Guess we’ll have to wait then?”

“Not for long, I promise.”

You hear a faint voice call his name in the background that has his figure slumping in disappointment, face sullen.

“I gotta go, but I love you.”

He gives the camera a kiss and you do the same.

“I love you too. Text me when you win.”

And, he does.

[canonicallysoulmates]

Jensen and JDM Gold Panel NJCon 2023

Jared was not able to attend NJCon this weekend so in his place, we get two panels with JDM! I’m personally a big fan of Jeffrey so I’m glad he was able to do the boys this favor and attend the con to do the panels with Jensen. Also, you’re gonna see me use both JDM and Jeffrey interchangeably when referring to him.

The panel starts with Jeffrey saying that they’re trying to get their caffeine going and he mentions that he’s had 3 cokes already, Jensen doesn’t understand how he can drink that much soda when it has so much sugar in it and Jeffrey replies that he hears that every day from Hil and that the day previous he was driving and his daughter, George, who also loves coca-cola told him that Hil said he’s gonna pee rocks if he keeps drinking coke 😂

Jensen says he and Jeffrey still see each other and work on projects together 👀 But they can’t talk about it, and this is when he reveals that he actually got into trouble recently because of something he said about one of his upcoming projects at a con, he doesn’t reveal what it was, obviously, but he does say he got an e-mail basically telling him to shut up. And, JDM, shares that he had spoken to Karl Urban recently, and when he told him he’d be seeing Jensen at this con Karl told him he better talk to Kripke and see what he could say. Which they both say is basically nothing. 

Getting into the questions, the first one is somebody wanting to know if they could say hi to their mom on video. They do, Jensen also makes a Walking Dead pun, Jared would be proud 😆

In several of their projects, there have been SPN easter eggs, how much of that is from the writers and how much of it is from them? 

They say it’s a bit of both. Jensen says he thinks the show is a bit of an institution so a lot of the writers know at least of it. He asks Jeffrey if there were references that he threw in, Jeffrey replies that he threw in a couple in TWD that anytime he can throw in anything, and especially after Jensen did the thing with Lucille he was trying to work in any reference to his boy. So, Negan had a boy for a minute, and he says if you go back to s2 but I assume he meant his second season of being on TWD which would be s8 of that show if you go back and watch it he said it a couple of times and he thinks they kept it in thinking they’d use it but they never did. 

Jensen mentions the salt easter egg from Big Sky. For those that have not seen Big Sky, one of the characters moves into a new home and Jensen’s character gifts them a loaf of bread so they never go hungry, and salt for protection, it’s a very fun little wink about SPN. But originally it was meant to be just the bread, Jensen is the one who asked the prop department for the salt and they ended up keeping it in, and they started also writing in little homages to SPN. He also mentions that he directed an episode of Walker and the writer for that episode was a big fan of SPN so she was writing in a lot of little easter eggs. 

JDM adds that the cool thing is they've been lucky enough to be on shows like SPN, TWD, The Boys which are big shows that are gonna live on much longer than they are which is super cool because he doesn’t think there are a lot of shows that live in that category that are gonna go past the end date of the particular show so they’re lucky, and if they can work in those homages for the fans they will that it’s actually more fun for them. That they’re hoping someone gets the hint and puts them back in the show together. x

Is there anything new this year they would like to try, learn or accomplish? 

Jeffrey would like to try to be home for more than a minute, that it’s been like three years solid of going from show to show. He thought this weekend would be the first weekend he’s had off in forever because he thought the con was next week. 

Jensen would like to do a film! Says he doesn’t do a lot of movies, it’s a lot of series work so he doesn’t have time but right now he has some things for later in the year but he doesn’t have anything imminent, and he has a couple of tempting opportunities lined up. JDM comes in with some honesty saying the thing is that sometimes they’ll read the script and it’s not as good as you want it to be, one of the fans says that it’ll be better cause he’d be in it and he says he appreciates it but a piece of shit is a piece of shit. My man speaks facts. 

Anyways, Jensen says he’d like to do something that’s a bit out of the box, still in the wheelhouse but flexing another muscle. Jeffrey asks him if by out of the box he means stretch it a little bit cause he did a good stretch going from Dean to Soldier Boy. Jensen would also maybe like to do another concert. x

Is there anything they do in their day-to-day life to make themselves laugh?

Jensen says he amuses himself all the time, that it happens sporadically but he can’t recall what it is that he does right now but it reminds him of a story about how Don Rickles was on a date, and across the restaurant was Frank Sinatra and Don went over and asked Frank to do him the favor of going over to his table because his date would love to meet him and he really wants to impress this girl and Frank agreed so he finishes his meal and as he’s leaving the restaurant he stops by Don’s table and says, ‘hey, Don, how you doing? It’s good to see you.’ and Don goes ‘Not now Frank, I’m in the middle of dinner.’ x

How did Jeffrey do the movie Fall? He answers that a couple of years ago, he did a movie called Heist and the same director called him in the middle of the pandemic and asked if he’d appear in the movie Fall, and that’s it. Jensen says that’s a common story, that’s largely how a lot of people in their industry get jobs it’s because they have a relationship with somebody, it is largely getting to work with people who know you and you already have a rapport with and they know they can rely on you. Jeffrey says that’s why it’s important to be a decent person, and Jensen agrees that reputation is important. No disrespect to both of these men, but we all know that’s a lie. x

With their schedules so busy how and who does the prioritizing? They have a team of people what’s called a camp and it consists of people like their lawyers, managers, publicists, their wives. When a project or opportunity comes up, it gets kicked around the whole group to decide if it’s a good thing, if it fits, if it should be done or passed, that it’s all usually carefully crafted. There might be times when you get a call from a director who you worked with on another movie asking if you’d like to be on another of their projects and you say yes cause it’s a good relationship but it usually doesn’t go without getting checked by several pairs of eyes. 

JDM adds that sitting down to talk with their family is also important cause they gotta think about what’s best for them. But, Jensen says they also gotta listen to their gut and what their passionate about, he reveals he got pushback about doing Big Sky but it’s something he wanted to do so they signed off on it but he thinks coming off Soldier Boy they wanted him to do something grander but he was antsy. JDM says they both get antsy when they’re not working, especially when you have years working on the same show when that goes away and that routine is gone- they’re a mess no one wants to be around them including themselves. x

Who do they have to petition to get Jensen on Dancing with the Stars? Jeffrey gets so excited over this, he says he would sign that petition or for Jensen to be on the Masked Singer 😂 

Jensen replies that he can't imagine how depressed he’d be if that’s where his career ended up. That hopefully he’s far away from that ever happening but you never know he might need that career resurrection at some point. Then he realizes he’s being a little too honest, and says that there are very talented people on that show but that he once heard someone say - and he insists he’s not the one who said this - but basically, someone referred to Dancing with the Stars as Dancing with I’ve only heard of them once, and for some reason that stuck with Jensen so he’s gonna stay away from that and stick to dancing in his living room. x

The next two are not questions, it’s a fan who wants to say thank you because they’ve been a fan for a very long time. And one who’s- I’m not sure I think it’s a family member of the fan’s birthday and they wanted to know if they could bring the person on stage and sing them a happy birthday, they can’t but they do wish them a happy birthday. x x

The last question is two-parter, have they watched One Tree Hill? And do they have a guilty pleasure song, movie, or series? Jeffrey loves Vanderpump Rules, it’s the one show he and Hil watch together, and he has never seen one episode of OTH. But the funny thing is he auditioned for the role of Keith Scott in the pilot of that show. 

Jensen has seen a few episodes cause he started dating D when she was on the show. He’s not the target demo for that but he can see the draw. JDM says he was way old for it, he was almost 40. As for guilty pleasures, Jensen says he keeps a few movies on his iPad in case he’s on a plane and he’s bored and wants to watch something, he has a few different categories depending on his mood, but the one that always ends up popping up is Tropic Thunder. x

Jensen and JDM Gold Panel NJCon 2023

[star2fishmeg]

≡ᴘʀᴏᴍᴘᴛ ʟɪsᴛ

Big ass list my apologies, haven't made one of these in yonks. Feel free to use any of these however you wish!!

—ғʟᴜғғ

1. “I think I’m falling in love with you.”

2. “Is that my shirt?"

3. “We’d make such a cute couple.”

4. “Are you flirting with me?”

5. “Well, since you aren’t feeling too good, maybe this could help?”

6. “I could kiss you right now.” 

7. “You gave it your best shot. That’s all anyone could ever ask of you.”

8. “Can we just stay in bed?”

9. “Let me kiss it better.”

10. “Stop moving I’m almost done!”

11. “You look like shit.”

12. “Just pretend to be my date.”

13. “You came.” “You called.”

14. “I’m right here.”

15. “I like you just the way you are.”

16. “Please, stay.”

17. “You owe me a favour.”

18. “Can I ask you a favour?”

19. “Would it be okay if I kissed you?”

20. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

21. “Can I come over?”

22. “Why don’t you take a picture? It’ll last longer.”

23. “That is by far the stupidest thing you’ve ever done.”

24. “How much did you drink?”

25. “How drunk was I?”

26. “You make me want to be better.”

27. “Come back to bed.”

28. “You’re lucky I love you.”

29. “You kissed me last night.”

30. “They’re coming. Kiss me!”

31. “I really need you right now.”

32. “Wanna bet?”

33. “Let me take care of you.”

34. “Say that again? But slower.”

35. “Going somewhere?”

36. “I heard that!” 

37. “Why are you awake?”

38. “This isn’t what it looks like!”

39. “Go to sleep.”

40. “Why are you looking at me like that? Something on my face?”

—sᴍᴜᴛ

41. “I’ve never done this before.”

42. “This stays between you and me.”

43. “Will you stop talking for ten minutes?” “Why don’t you come over here and make me.”

44. “We’re not just friends and you fucking know it.”

45. “Look what you did to me, I’ve had to deal with this all day.”

46. “Give me a little show.”

47. “Stop teasing!”

48. “We’re in public, you know.”

49. “We can’t do that here.”

50. “All you had to do was ask.”

51. “Do you think they heard us?” “Yes, we did.”

52. “Could they make you feel this good?”

53. “Do I make you nervous?”

54. “We have to be quiet.”

55. “Bite me!” “If you insist.”

56. “Oh my god, do that again.”

57. “We’re going to be late.”

58. “You taste so good.”

59. “Don’t hide from me, you’re beautiful.”

60. “I know you can be louder than that.”

61. “Mine.” “Say it again.”

62. “Let them know I’m yours/you’re mine.”

63. “This is wrong.” “So wrong.”

64. “Oh, you like that.”

65. “It’s so hot when you talk to me like that.”

66. “Make me shut up then.”

67. “Who knew you were hiding such a dirty mind.”

68. “I’ll put that pretty mouth of yours to work.”

69. “You’ve never been fucked before? How?”

70. “This is exactly how I imagined it.”

71. “I like it when you tell me what to do.”

72. “Look at me.”

73. “You want to cum? Beg.”

74. “Show me how much you missed me.”

75. “I keep thinking about your body against mine.”

76. “I’m going to fuck you so hard you won’t remember his name.”

77. “I’ve been wondering what it feels like to…”

78. “Makes me want to wreck you.”

79. “I thought this was a one-time thing?”

80. “You look so fucking hot right now.”

—ᴀɴɢsᴛ

81. "Is this the end? After everything we’ve been through?.”

82. “We shouldn’t be doing this.”

83. “I needed you, and you weren’t there!”

84. “You’re always leaving me.”

85. “Why do you hate me so much? What did I do?”

86. “It wasn’t your fault.”

87. “The fuck was that?”

88. “It’s not you that I don’t trust, it’s them.”

89. “You’re kidding, right?”

90. “Open your eyes!”

91. “Can you please come get me?”

92. “I’ll stay as long as you need.”

93. “Ssshh, it’s okay, I’ve got you.”

94. “I don’t deserve you.”

95. “I should’ve expected this.”

96. “We used to spend every day together. Are you telling me that staying the night in the same place is too close a proximity for us to share?”

97. “Maybe the fact that we have such a hard time staying away from each other is saying something.”

98. “I thought we were more than whatever…this is. But clearly, I was wrong.”

99. “Interesting, isn’t it? Two days ago you were a fumbling, blushing mess and looking at me like I hung the stars out for you, and now you can’t even look at me. Real fucking interesting.”

100. “Why can’t you admit to anything? This is your fault!”

101. “What are we?”

102. “Things would be fine if you didn’t go and run your mouth!”

103. “I didn’t know you felt this way.”

104. “Do you know how stupid you made me feel?”

105. “Why don’t you love me back?” “You’re drunk, let’s get you home.”

106. “I don’t think I can do this anymore. Not with you.”

107. “I can’t do this anymore. Sometimes…sometimes I really need you and you’re just not there.”

108. “I’m not allowed to be upset because they were hanging all over you?”

109. “You’re supposed to be mine!”

110. “I’m not jealous, fuck off.”

111. “Are we going to be okay? I don’t want this to change anything between us.”

112. “You deserve the best. And that’s…that’s not me.”

113. “Don’t cause a scene, please.”

114. “I didn’t mean to fall in love with you, I really didn’t and I’m sorry.”

115. “I don’t want to be the second option anymore.”

116. “It’s starting to feel like you don’t want to be seen with me.”

117. “What about me? What about my life, my feelings? Where do I come in all this?”

118. “I will always find you.”

119. “I love you. I will always love you, but I’m not sure you love me.”

120. “You always do this!”

—sᴄᴇɴᴀʀɪᴏs

121. Seven minutes in heaven

122. Car sex

123. Sneaking away/around

124. Getting handsy on the dancefloor

125. Oral, but one person is trying to concentrate on something else

126. Situationship/friends with benefits but it’s requited feelings

127. Situationship/friends with benefits but it’s unrequited feelings

128. Morning sex

129. Only one bed

130. Phone sex

131. Cockwarming

132. First time

133. Bffs ‘practising’

134. Inexperienced gets a ‘lesson’

135. Mutual masturbation

136. Hot tub sex

137. Sex while camping

138. Shower sex

139. One night stand

140. ‘I can’t sleep’ sex

141. Making out

142. Semi-public quickie

143. Skinny dipping

144. Pussy/cock drunk

145. Oral fixation

146. Getting caught (by partner or by someone else)

147. Drunk sex

148. Make up sex

149. Fingering

150. Fake dating

151. Childhood friends to lovers

152. Enemies to lovers

153. Friends to lovers

154. Best friend’s brother/brother’s best friend

155. Taking care of sick partner

156. Opposites attract

157. Roommates to lovers

158. Work colleagues

159. Forced proximity

160. Second chance

161. Secret dating

162. Girl/boy next door

163. One that got away

164. Soulmates

165. University

166. Tutoring 

167. Unrequited love

168. Love at first sight

169. Summer fling

170. Patching up an injury 

171. Mutual pining

172. Exes to lovers

173. It’s always been you

174. Right person, wrong time

175. Meet-cute

176. Meet-weird

177. Neighbours

178. ‘We both don’t want to be here’

179. Fake enemies

Banner and divider belongs to @/saradika

[yojeongin]

EVOL — 58: PUZZLE PIECE

→club pres!renjun x publicity officer!reader

genre: fluff, slow burn, romance, slice of life, coming of age, college au

synopsis: you’ve made it clear that it was important he heard what you truly felt towards him, now it’s your turn to hear how important it is to him that you knew how he feels towards you.

wc: 3.6k+

m.list | previous | next

an: we’ve reached the end </3 dw, some extra parts will be up

“Beomgyu, where the fuck are they?!” Renjun was past scared at this point. You never missed any of Makeout Creek’s performances yet you still weren’t at the venue when the entire show was almost over.

Not only would your spot be complete shit and make his proposal rather difficult but the off chance that you’d just miss the proposal overall was eating him alive.

“I don’t know! I don’t know, neither she nor Mark are answering their phones. All I knew before coming here was that her parents were angry so they’re probably holding her back.” Beomgyu was just as anxious, biting at his nails while trying not to be weak for your future boyfriend.

Renjun mimicked Beomgyu’s actions and bit at his nails, his eyes showing obvious fright while looking around the venue. In only minutes or at least after two more performers, Renjun and the rest of his friends would go up on stage but with you not even in the picture, it was eating him alive.

As in for you, now all you could do was anxiously lay in bed until your parents called you down. Your brother trying to comfort you by showing you his collection of vending machine stickers. “Do you want me to go spy and listen to what they’re saying to him?” He slowly spoke, still woozy from the anesthetics.

He felt slightly guilty; earlier he had gotten his wisdom teeth taken out and his bratty behavior had taken a toll on their parents. The older pair weren’t used to either of their children throwing tantrums from the lack of spending time with them so having their day ruined by one of them not being able to calm down, made them take it out on you.

Despite you taking care of him the entire break and dealing with the tantrums he throws with you to avoid your parents knowing how he is, you could only take solace on the one day of the week you were allowed to go out. Even the entire day when he didn’t want your parents in the same room or the food they gave him, you came to the rescue, knowing well what he liked and would consume.

It wasn’t enough for them though and when they saw you act peaceful compared to their state while getting ready for tonight’s event they laid it out to you that you wouldn’t be going out at all.

Even when you tried to explain that they had already said yes, that you never missed a performance, and Renjun was finally back in town so you wanted to see him— they still wouldn’t let you go.

That’s when they also noticed you throwing a fit. Your constant placement of your hand over your chest, your nails sinking onto your skin, and you cutting yourself off to not say something vile to your parents. There they agreed that they truly didn’t know their children well.

“No, it’s fine. I’m sure Mark can sweet talk them.”
 “He’s funny, I wish they would let him come around more often.”

You could only shrug with a sly smile on your lips. It was shameful that your parents never allowed any of the guys to stay for longer than half an hour and if they did, they had to be there. Kenia was the only lucky one to even know how your room looked besides FaceTime calls and pictures.

With a soft knock to your door, he opens it to find Mark making his way inside. “Okay, let’s go.” Motioning with his head, leaving your brother confused as to how he made it that far. “Really?!” Your excitement not noticing your brother’s concerns.

“Yeah, we better hurry before they process that they allowed me to come up to your room.” He smiled, ruffling your brother’s hair. “You’re right, oh my god— You want anything if we stop anywhere?” You asked your brother, gathering your sweater and purse, trying your best to hurry and not miss at least your friends.

He only nodded, gathering his own stuff and going to his room. Once gone, you turned to Mark, surprised that he could make your parent’s mind change. “Dude, what did you say to them?” Through smiles, you made your way down the stairs with him following behind, helping you put on your sweater.

“Don’t worry about it, I always find a way— You should get a jacket too, it's actually really cold out there.” Agreeing you just grabbed the first jacket on the couch.

Though you didn’t ask questions and let it all be, your parent’s looked from their room window. They didn’t mean to ruin your day so knowing how much it meant for you to keep your streak in the words of Mark along with Renjun’s plan— they changed their minds and allowed you to go.

It was nice to know their daughter was in good hands, how caring your friends were, and the lengths Renjun was going to to profess his love for you. So with just Mark’s sweet words they did it, lifting up whatever restrictions they had.

Mark giving you his jacket after realizing you had taken your brother’s only cementing how you did have people who cared for you.

“Here,” you gave him the jacket in the back seat just so he wouldn’t freeze over either. He took it with a simple thank you, driving off the driveway and to your destination.

Through shaky-shivering voices the both of you conversed, him hearing you complain about your day while he talked about how mild his was.

Nearly to the venue, Mark took a left, parking just right outside a convenience store motioning with his head to follow him.

Though you two were already late and you were scared of missing Chenle and Jisung, you just followed suit not questioning why he decided to stop. Probably because he wanted to get something for your brother.

“I got offered a job by one of my clients.” He smiled your way, his hand reaching for the hotteok packages that read ‘2 for 1’. You smiled at him figuring this was a celebratory snack.

You were ecstatic to say the least, any time he came to you with these news he was always so excited to explain what he was to do. The giddiness in his voice making your chest full with pride.

“Yeah, it’s like long term though. Something about having my own cubicle and all but I don’t know.” He softly smiled, grabbing cups of ice from the cooler, one for you and one for him.

Humming in response you looked through the tea pouches, wondering where it was all leading. “Because you prefer like your own space? Why don’t you bargain with them?” Showing him a pouch to ask if he was interested he just nodded, grabbing two.

“Like how? Ask her if I can get my own office?” He chuckled at the idea, walking to the register and putting the items down along with the ones in your hands.

You nodded in response, taking a hold of the items once they were scanned. “I mean yeah. If they want you that bad why wouldn’t they?” You continued, following behind as he put his card away and walked towards the car.

When he unlocked it, neither of you hesitated to hop in. Even with cups full of ice and on your way to drink the tea, you were still going to complain about being cold.

“I don’t know, I feel like I’ll push my luck. They’re already going to do so much just to get me there if I agree.” Pouring the tea into the cup, Mark’s phone lit up signaling it was charged enough to finally turn on.

Chewing the hotteok before continuing, your eyebrows knitted a bit confused, the neon lights of the store highlighting your features.

Maybe it was because you always tried to get the most out of a situation and never tried to feel bad that you didn’t understand but that was just you.

“I guess it feels silly? Like thinking of all the expenses of just getting me an office in their building or letting me work from home it’ll be kind of pointless cause in that case I might as well stay where I am.”

Confused at his last sentence, time didn’t let you question furthermore. His phone finally rang once again with the angry ringtone designated for Beomgyu.

Checking the time, Mark muttered a soft ‘shit’ before pulling out of the parking space and pressing a button on his steering wheel to answer.

“You’re on speaker.” Mark put in quickly to which Beomgyu’s angry questioning was cut off. “yn in the car?” The one in the other line asked, you responded with a ‘hi’.

“Okay well Chenle and Jisung already started, they’re about to do their second song and they’re only doing three, so hurry up!” His desperation was growing towards the end, Mark speeding to get there.

The venue wasn’t that far from the convenience store but there were multiple traffic lights that you’d have to get through and right now you were four away.

“Is Renjun there?” You cut in, your obvious main goal to be with your lover. “I don’t know, I haven’t seen him. I’m backstage, Chenle told me to stay for when you guys get here so you can get a better spot.” Mark didn’t react but he surely thought it was funny how Beomgyu’s voice got slightly high when he lied.

Disappointment settled within you. You truly did want to go for Chenji but you also missed Renjun so much and this was your only reassurance of seeing him after almost a month.

“Oh my god they’re starting the second song. Can you guys just call me whenever you’re outside so I can let you in? I feel like I’m about to shit myself.” Beomgyu confessed, making the both of you and those around him laugh.

Mark reassured that he was two traffic lights away and that he should calm down, that he was probably more nervous than ‘them’.

Beomgyu’s last scream of frustration was the cause of the phone call to end making both you and Mark laugh. “He’s more worried about my streak than I am.” You joked, struggling to grab the cup without freezing your hands immediately.

“We just want the best for you.” He didn’t turn to look at you but he smiled, the fluorescent lights of the city flashing by his complexion.

He was more quiet than usual which only led you back to the conversation you were having before Beomgyu interrupted.

There was no way to pinpoint anything though. After the happenings at the start of winter break, it had taken a toll on his demeanor so you truly didn’t want to push it.

He had told you how he felt and what he had done and though he was confident and aware that he had let it all go, you still wanted to know if he was truly okay.

You dropped the thought though. If he is sure he was okay then you should trust what he feels about himself.

“Fuck it’s full.” He complained once arriving to the venue. All the parking spots were full and he could only guess he’d have to drive down a bit more to find an open area.

He felt anxious now, not for you but because he didn’t want to miss a second of the performance either. As for you, he planned on dropping you off just right outside, calling Beomgyu and letting him know you were out the back door while he sped to find a spot.

“She’s out there? Okay— okay, shit, um… Park where the performers are parked and come get the permit real quick, I’ll take yn to where Keni and Hak are at and then I’ll come back for you. Guys hide, I’m about to let yn in!”

The last bit was directed towards DNYL, Beomgyu had taken control all night and right now he had his phone stuck between his cheek and shoulder while filling out some paperwork to get a permit for Mark.

Maybe things like these are why the sponsor had made him Chenle’s assistant.

Jaemin, Donghyuck, and Renjun had heard Beomgyu clearly when he told them all to hide, scrambling to hide behind panels and other performers.

As in for Jeno, he wasn’t fast enough, not when he had hardly heard Beomgyu and was on a quest to finish a level in one of his games.

So when Beomgyu had opened the door to let you in, it was too late for him to scram. His eyes widened in horror knowing Beomgyu would scold him now that you had spotted him.

“What are you doing here? I thought it was only for performers.” You teased, greeting the boy. “Special privileges, friends and family passes.” He lied, tucking his phone in his back pocket.

You feigned being hurt, “Wait does that mean I could’ve come back here every time? That’s not fair. I could've had more time whenever Jaehyun performed.”

That being your first concern was making Renjun bite at his knuckles from behind a panel where he crouched down. His pained expression making Jaemin and Hyuck struggle to not laugh out loud.

“Yeah, good luck. Last time you couldn’t even move and he was standing right next to you.” You rolled your eyes fighting the urge to childishly stick your tongue out at him.

Thankfully Beomgyu broke the conversation, pushing at your shoulders and out the curtains not even letting you say bye to Jeno, claiming he still had to get Mark in.

Upon passing to the general area and noticing none of the guys were there, you grew a bit worried considering Jeno was the only one back there.

“Hey! I was worried you weren’t going to come!” Kenia greeted you, taking you into an embrace before repeating those actions with Haknyeon.

Chenle and Jisung had already finished their song but they were talking everyone’s ear off seemingly making time for whatever they would do for their last song.

You felt guilty for missing the entire show but right now all you cared for was the fact that none of their friends were there, Mark was still out the venue, and that despite looking all around— there were no signs of Renjun and it was simply making your mood die down.

“Have any of you seen Renjun or the guys?” Your sulkiness was becoming more evident and it was making Beomgyu slowly worry before rushing back to let Mark in.

Kenia and Haknyeon had no say in what was planned. They weren’t aware of anything so they felt most compassionate, rubbing at your shoulder for moral support in whatever you felt when they said no.

Jisung had spotted you looking around, struggling to suppress his own pout. Just as he softly slapped Chenle’s thigh to look your way, Beomgyu and Mark rushed to where the three of you stood. The two men softly panting from rushing and getting the guys prepared.

With a thumbs up towards the boys on stage, Beomgyu braced himself. Getting the clue, Chenle turned back to the crowd, a wide smile on his face.

“Finally our last song. This is actually a special act— quite a sweet romantic act I’ll say. Now don’t laugh, this will be something new for us but I think I’ll let the coordinator speak about it.” The echoing of the mic drowned when he smiled again, moving from his spot to which the curtains opened slightly, revealing his other four friends.

All you mustered was confusion but still relieved Renjun was actually here. Your obvious happiness showed through the wide smile and low squeal that rested on your lips when he smiled your way.

Attaining his position behind the mic, Renjun cleared his throat. “I’m not quite the performer but this means a lot to me and I’m glad everyone involved— guys, Mark, Beomgyu, even those abroad—“ Referencing Yangyang, Renjun turned to you with a smile.

“Thank you for helping me in expressing what I want to say in a more poetic way. yn— this is for you.” An adorable wink your way once again, not helping you stop from squealing in surprise and excitement.

Furthermore as the lights settled and you turned to Kenia, the both of you squealed out of happiness for you, the guys laughing, finding it cute.

The melody was soft, the guitar emitting a peaceful sound that Jisung produced as Hyuck began, his voice catching you off guard for how harmonious it was when most of his singing outside of this were playful broken notes for comedic relief.

It was a sweet feeling within you, the words the boys spewed made your heart swell, pushing you to feel overwhelmed in a good way.

It wasn’t until Jaemin came on and his words followed by Chenle made your smile turn into a delighted pout, the overwhelming feeling pushing its luck. You were in bliss.

“You’re my missing puzzle piece, finally put together. Broken into pieces filled up even my heart’s wounds.” Placing his hand on Chenle’s shoulder and leaning their heads closer, Jisung continued.

“You have come to become my everything, my missing puzzle piece.”

They both placed their arms around their shoulder, their soft voices speaking about how the insecurities of being flawed plagued them but you being there helped ease them, helping them fill that void as they could fill yours (of course Renjun being the one with the sentiment).

Behind you the sniffling, making both you and Keni turn to spot Beomgyu and Haknyeon holding back tears or wiping them.

Once they heard yours and Kenia’s laughter they feigned the stuffiness causing congestion, Mark laughing at them as well before making you turn around to enjoy a performance special for just you.

With Jaemin reassuring you that Renjun always carried a piece of you (Referencing either the necklaces or film strips from your film photography days), you clutched at your own bracelet, a way to let yourself know you also carried a piece of him.

Yet with Renjun’s soft voice, your heart only seemed to ache furthermore. It wasn’t in a bad way but rather you have become overwhelmed now and to know someone liked you this much was doing it for you.

His arm hooked around Jisung’s waist, the rest of the guys surrounding the youngest as he sang: “you became a scenery in my world which I used to piece together alone.”

The lot turned to you as it seemed to come to an end and Jeno joined in connecting with Renjun; their words pleading you to not ever be apart from each other as you were his missing puzzle piece.

All that was left was Jisung continuing on strumming a few more strings, the guys smiling at each other feeling proud of themselves and hopeful for your response to Renjun.

When those on stage quiet down and Jisung placed his hand on the strings to signal he was done, the crowd cheered and applauded, thankful for yet another performance.

The lights had been turned off but to give their bows thankful for the cheers, the guys smiled at the crowd.

Renjun’s cheeks turned bright red when he spotted his siblings sitting at the bar and howling for him and his friends.

“Thank you for another night,” Chenle panted in between shy laughs, pushing hair off his face. “Would you want him to ask now or in private?”

Dismissing the crowd to turn to you, it was your turn to feel slightly embarrassed but your wide smile answering for you, barely able to say ‘now’.

The boys on the stage cheered when they knew your answer, patting roughly on his back and arms, pushing him towards the stairs to get to you.

Enthralled in the public commotion, the crowd followed his figure. “It’s quite overdue and I’ve been meaning to ask many times but something always stopped the plan but I truly want you in my life, forever if it’s possible—“

Holding his breath and his hands reaching for yours, Renjun smiled with an awkward laugh leaving his lips. “It would be a great honor if you agreed to be my… girlfriend. So would you?”

Renjun was still shy enough to ask the question, biting at his lower lip anxiously and his eyebrows living their own life as they contorted to his feelings.

You knew the question was coming but you still weren’t prepared to fully hear it coming from his mouth.

Eyes widened and your smile bigger than ever, your hands gripping his even more whilst you began to nod. “Yes! Oh my god, yes! I’d love to.” Pulling him into an embrace that made him relax and fall into a pit of his own laughter, his friends cheered which ultimately caused the crowd to also join the rumble.

Perhaps the majority didn’t care but it was entertainment you were giving them all. The cherry on top when you went in for a kiss, Renjun’s grip on your waist tightening as he kissed back.

With the echoing calm laughter emitting from the speakers, Chenle spoke against the microphone. “Again, thank you for the support and for helping these two. Have a good night!”

All in all you were extremely overwhelmed, prideful that you had friends that went out of their way to bring this joy for you and Renjun.

With that added, you’re glad your first love was with someone who also loved you, loved you immensely and for that you’ll thank whoever is out there looking out for you.

taglist: @resceluwu @ellie-idk-anymore @hyunsbunny @aminihhj @flower-lise @eggoyu @haknyeonsju @eboyjuni @nshitae @daegalfangirl @luvdroids @samsemsame @haechansgfreal @butterfliesinthenightsky @lyleo @jiye0n0 @haechansittinginatree @dojun00 @baekhyunstruly @cwsana @fylithia @artspling @yutashotaro @rynshyuckies @babyjenono @yeonjunisbetterthanyou @runawayreki @kosmiks @bigtittietoji @dandelionxgal @diestheticu @scoups-of-sugar @onlyjenos @john-joong @renjunniex @becoolgirl @vantxx95 @hrjchive @karaxomb @carayat @fullsunld @meltinghershey @brightestmark

[wincore]

romeo roulette | jung yoonoh

pairing: jaehyun x fem!reader

summary: if finding your soulmate is the same as a damn game of russian roulette, you are determined to not pull the trigger at all. except, you know who your soulmate is and he doesn’t—and given a choice to pretend, you find that jaehyun is the lesser of the two burdens to bear.

genre: soulmate au, office au, fake dating, fluff (a lot), angst (a little), romcom, magical realism (??)

words: 21.2k

warnings: language

song recs: playlist here !

a/n: behold ! a kdrama compressed in a fic ! ok i was lying there was more than a little angst but all in good fun <3 i have never experienced working in an office (thanks to the panny) but i tried making it as accurate as i could !! hope you have fun with this <3

It’s not that you’ve never been looked at with a lover’s gaze, it’s just that whatever look Jaehyun has been giving you is mildly uncomfortable. It’s not supposed to be that way. Hell, even his hand clasping yours are a little too clammy for your liking.

Jung Yoonoh. Get your act together.

You wish he were a better actor than this. For someone used to eyes on him in each and every room he’s in, he’s not very good at making eye contact. You’ll be saving this performance. Not to stroke your own ego but at least you know how to behave under strong gazes.

There are three people staring at the two of you and your fingers intertwined, scrutinizing your postures and the expressions on your faces. Maybe Jaehyun should face them instead of glancing at you wordlessly. He’s a terrible liar for someone who acts so smooth. 

You look up with a short smile. The aforementioned three are your coworkers—former class rep at uni and your current boss Doyoung, your friend Soojin and Jaehyun’s friend Sicheng from IT. None of them look happy—like it concerns them. If there was a competition for nosy coworkers, this entire group would be winning awards left and right (and that’s including you). 

They’re going to find out, an annoying voice giggles inside the quiet corner of your brain. Like hell, they will. You didn’t take up acting lessons in college for nothing. You just need to focus on the details.

This whole charade dates its beginning to a week ago. 

If someone were to tell you Jung Yoonoh from marketing is your soulmate, you would most certainly either laugh or take it as a genuine insult. Hence, you were glad when you found that he isn’t. 

It was an accident. You had glimpsed at his soulmark, right below his collarbone, at a particularly wild office afterparty—and somehow, you thought it was fitting that his tattoo was a little red heart. For someone born on Valentine’s day (which you know from a night out with coworkers, not because you’re remotely interested), if his soulmark was not something as disgusting as a heart, it would be the textbook definition of irony. But then again, fate is a funny thing. Your soulmark is a heart roughly the same size, with a little more intricacy in the form of a piercing arrow.

Despite all, however, if someone were to ask you if Jung Yoonoh is the worst person to be your soulmate, the answer is no. You can name at least five coworkers off the top of your head that you’d choose him over. You would choose him over Doyoung (and especially his nagging), you would choose him over Taeyong because he’s too hot and you also don’t like men in a higher position than you are, you would choose him over Jungwoo because you suspect he’s secretly a furry. Jaehyun is certainly better than your deskmate Dongmin who, despite an angelic smile, is: a) too distant to make actual conversation with, and b) in a relationship despite being your soulmate. Sweet-tempered Dongmin doesn’t even know it’s you. You’d love to be the bearer of bad news but this one—you’re not exactly ready for it yourself.

So that’s the explanation for why you hunted down Jaehyun and in a desperate attempt to not seem pathetic, coerced him into a role that has carefully picked benefits for either of you. You just have to bite the bullet sometimes.

“And I get what out of this?”

“Me? Temporarily, that is.”

Jaehyun laughs in amusement and you drop your smile, almost offended. If you were a gift, you’d certainly be an attractive, spicy, hot one—he doesn’t have to look at you so incredulously. In a neat business suit, Jaehyun is as kempt as ever though his tie could do with some more work.  As an HR assistant, his appearance pleases you. However as a person, the perfection annoys the hell out of you. He could show himself to be more human. It would make your job (both the actual and the metaphorical) easier.

“I’m leaving,” he announces with a nonchalant exhale. “You keep messing around during work hours like this and people are going to think you’re jobless.”

“Wait!” 

You jog up to him and block his path, crossing your arms as you huff at his indignance. 

“I said no,” he repeats, and when he tries to evade you, you push him back with your palm flat against his chest. Jaehyun doesn’t show any more discomfort than usual, biting the inside of his cheek.

“You haven’t found your soulmate, right?” you say, taking a deep breath. If you have to resort to psychological warfare, so be it.

His smile wavers and he straightens, no longer leaning against the printer desk. “No. How does that matter?”

“It matters because you’re going to be my pretend-soulmate. Now, don’t be a pussy.”

He opens his mouth and closes it, furrowing his eyebrows. “You can’t always trick me into doing what you want.”

“I’ll ask Doyoung if you say no.”

“See—enough with the tricks, they don’t work anymore. I’ve known you for two years.”

“I really will ask him.”

“Not convincing enough. You don’t even talk to Doyoung outside work.”

You groan into your hand, taking a few moments to come up with another plan. How is your obvious charisma not enough? You certainly can’t tell him how rejected you feel with the whole Dongmin situation even if his rejection hasn’t officially come yet. It’s too embarrassing for a grown adult to go through. You don’t mind being lonely for the rest of your life if you’re successful. There’s a price tag on each decision you make anyway.

“I’ll treat you to lunch every day. I’ll pay.”

You cross your arms, tapping your foot in anticipation. They say the way to a man’s heart is through the stomach. Besides, Jaehyun hates spending his lunch money on himself. This ought to do something.

Jaehyun places his hand in front of his mouth in mock surprise. “Oh no, out of your beloved paycheck? That’s kind of scary, honestly.”

“Jaehyun. Stop messing around. I’m being serious.”

He purses his lips, hesitation across his face. You don’t like the way he thinks, with quiet, lost eyes and no clear giveaways on his lips.

“Okay. I’ll do it.”

You smile in relief though you try somewhat to not let it show on your face. 

“On one condition.”

Your eyes dart across his face, nothing that tells what he might suggest next. You hate when you don’t get to decide on things.

“You have to come visit my family next month and pose as my soulmate—”

“No way.”

“—and when this whole game you’re playing is over, you’re going to say I rejected you.”

You stare at him, weighing the odds. 

“Fine,” you say finally, voice pitched in slight annoyance.

Jaehyun shrugs.

“But I tell my parents that I rejected you. Or they’ll come after you with a task force or something.”

You mutter the last part.

He grimaces, holding his breath for a good few seconds and then letting it go.

“Alright. It’s not like mine and your parents know each other—or will ever meet.”

“Fine then,” you say. “We have an agreement.”

“We have an agreement,” he repeats.

Now, back to more pressing matters. The people in front of you aren’t a stupid lot—even if you've seen Doyoung spend $500 on plush toys, seen Sicheng absentmindedly walk into a desk and pretend to not be in pain for the next five minutes and Soojin somehow convinced a senior to get her coffee because she thought he was an intern (in her defence, it worked). 

The only way is to act through. You clear your throat.

"We… we discovered it last week. Our signs match."

Technically, you drew an arrow with a permanent marker over Jaehyun's tattoo in an attempt to resemble yours. It's not awful, but perhaps not perfect. 

“Discovered? Like just happened to find out?” Doyoung asks.

“Isn’t Jaehyun’s on…” Soojin leans in to whisper hurriedly in your ear. “On his butt? Did you guys sleep together?”

You contort your face in disgust. “The what? What? Who told you that? And no.”

Soojin makes an ‘ah’ sound and leans back. “I should stop listening to office rumours then.”

"You should." You glare at her.

Sicheng is the only one without questions at the tip of his tongue but the look on his face worries you most. 

“I’ve never seen your tattoo, now that I think about it,” he muses, turning to Jaehyun. “Although we’re roommates.”

Jaehyun clears his throat, looking around with shifty eyes. "Why is… why is everyone looking so suspicious?"

"It's just… so sudden," Soojin says, looking around at the others.

"Yeah," Sicheng mutters.

"Soulmate fraud is a big deal too, you know that right?" Doyoung informs. "You could get put in jail."

You throw up your hands in exasperation. "Why would we pretend? We don't have any reason to. And, uh, you're sure about the jail thing?"

You look at Doyoung, hoping your question didn’t come off too squeaky. 

"You’re right,” he says, sighing. “It’s so unlikely for soulmates to work in the same company, let alone the same building.”

“Oh, yes, I’m so lucky,” you mutter under your breath.

Doyoung sighs. "Look, we're happy for you. It's just that… it's a little sudden."

"Literally what I just said," Soojin says.

"Literally what she just said," Doyoung agrees quickly, not wanting to pick a fight. Sometimes you wonder who the real boss is.

"Look, just because we don't even acknowledge each other or find each other remotely attractive or wouldn't even be each other's office Christmas card candidate—"

Jaehyun nudges your side with his elbow and gives you a look that seems a lot like "You're making it worse".

You clear your throat. "That's what happens to most soulmates! You think you're going to land the perfect one and boom. You get a chump from marketing."

Jaehyun makes a sound of protest. "I didn't want a snob from HR either."

The two of you glare at each other, and you find that clenching his jaw makes Jaehyun slightly (around 0.05%) more attractive, or at the very least more bearable to look at.

Doyoung gasps. "Okay, I get it. You're having adjustment issues. I know a guy for that. He's helped every newly found soulmate couple adjust with each other."

"We don't need that," you interrupt, offering your fakest smile.

"You do," Doyoung responds, his smile equally fake. "I'll drive you this weekend if you're free. He’ll give you one free session. No more, because we all know how capitalism works."

People have got to stop copying your fake smile. You wish you could have it copyrighted because after all, it’s the same smile that tricks interviewees into thinking they got the job. It’s not evil if you say it isn’t. You open your mouth, look at Jaehyun doing the same and when you can't come up with an excuse, give up and nod. 

"Don't look so resentful," Doyoung says, tone slightly complaining. "I'm not doing this as your boss. We were friends in college and I'm just doing you a favour. A friendly favour."

Soojin hums in deep thought. "I feel like this is some sort of nepotism."

"I feel like you should open a dictionary once in a while," Doyoung mutters, only to get a vaguely threatening look from Soojin.

"Anyway," Sicheng diverts, eyes curious when he turns to Doyoung. "Why did you call us here?"

"Ah." Doyoung's eyes widen. "I heard promotion rumours."

Sicheng lets out a loud huff of annoyance. "You summoned us here for company gossip?"

Doyoung crosses his arms. “So, you’re not interested?”

“Who said that?” Sicheng responds quickly, leaning in.

The five of you huddle closer in a circle, looking as conspicuous as a cult. 

“You guys know that Jinyoung’s leaving, right?” Doyoung starts.

Soojin gasps audibly only to get a smack on the arm from Doyoung. “Why’s he leaving? He's like employee of the month every month. ”

A few chuckles pass through the group at her discontentment from months of losing out on the title.

“I heard he found his soulmate. Lucky ass gets tax benefits too now,” Sicheng complains. “Why is he leaving?”

“Oh, look who’s interested in gossip now,” Soojin coos.

Sichengs turns red in the face and looks away, clearing his throat. “You’re gonna answer my question, Doyoung?”

“Oh! Right.” Doyoung looks up from a text. “He got rejected by his soulmate.”

Soojin covers her mouth this time when she gasps and you can’t say your jaw doesn’t drop as well. 

“Rejected? Like our picture-perfect Jinyoung got rejected?” you repeat, trying to process the information. “Please don’t tell me he decided to be an idiot and sign a mutual rejection.”

“No, he didn’t lose his senses,” Doyoung responds with a duh undertone. “He’s getting the compensation money.”

You sigh. “Man, I feel bad for him.”

Jaehyun hums in agreement. There’s a hush over the group and you feel fear rise in your chest. You don’t want to be rejected. You’ve seen how happy Dongmin looks with his girlfriend—he’d reject you in a heartbeat. Of course, you could just receive the compensation money from the one-sided rejection and get it over with but you refuse to. It hurts to not be wanted. It hurts to not be wanted by someone who’s supposed to want you. To be specific, it hurts your pride. Every time you see the damn arrowed heart on Dongmin’s wrist, which he tries so hard to cover with his watch, you feel like throwing up. You’re glad yours isn’t as easy to spot—resting right above your hip bone.

“Anyway, someone’s getting promoted to that HR specialist position.”

You gasp. “Is it me? It’s me, right?”

Jaehyun rolls his eyes and you elbow him. “What’s with you?”

“Don’t get too excited,” he says, shrugging. “Isn’t it stupid to get your hopes up over a rumour?”

Doyoung breathes out. “Wow, (name) really sucked the life out of you, Jaehyun.”

You glare at him when Soojin breaks into a fit of laughter. “You- you know what that- you know what that sounds like, right?”

Your face contorts into disgust and you shake your head. “Let’s be more professional, alright, Soojin?”

She clears her throat and straightens her clothes, like a teenager being reprimanded. “I’m your senior. It’s embarrassing when you say that to me.”

Jaehyun speaks up and turns to you. “I think lunch break is almost over.”

You raise an eyebrow. “So?”

“You’re forgetting something.” He smiles, dimples showing, but his eyes come off menacing.

“Fuck,” you mutter under your breath. You forgot about that stupid lunch promise. 

“Hey. Professional,” Soojin warns.

You groan and link your arm through Jaehyun’s, making him bite back a smile. What is it with men and getting weirdly happy about lunch?

“We’re gonna go get lunch,” you announce.

“Ooh, (name)’s ditching quality time with coworkers for dates now,” Soojin coos.

You roll your eyes and exit the office, stopping to wait in front of the elevator.

“I think that went well,” Jaehyun says, shrugging lightly.

“Shh. What if they hear us?”

“Do you think they’re X-men? We’re a long corridor and closed doors away.”

You huff, crossing your arms. “Still…”

Jaehyun’s smug smile makes you want to smack it right off and this isn’t the first time you’ve felt this way with him. You swear he’s not as bad as some of the guys you’ve met but Jaehyun is simply annoying. An A grade nuisance. You can trust him though. If Soojin says he’s a reliable guy, you’ll believe her—she doesn’t bluff when it comes to seeing right through men, though she does have a tendency to believe stupid rumours.

“Your acting was shit though,” you snipe.

Jaehyun lets out a low sardonic laugh. “At least I was subtle when I was messing up.”

You cross your arms and huff. “You know what? You can take the next elevator ride.”

“Huh?”

You step into the elevator just as the doors open and quickly jam your finger to the close doors button. The look of betrayal on Jaehyun’s face is subtle but it’s enough to satisfy you. As the saying goes, when one door closes, another one opens—it’s very applicable to elevators. He can take the other one.

However, almost immediately after, the elevator doors open and you groan, opening your mouth to send a sarcastic congratulations to Jaehyun for pressing the button on time.

Your words hitch on your tongue. Dongmin greets the two of you with a smile, standing beside Jaehyun, who has his eyes averted from you.

“Hey,” Dongmin greets. “Congratulations. I heard the news.”

“Thanks,” you croak, clearing your throat with a bit of heat on your cheeks. Jaehyun looks like he might burst into a fit of laughter any moment and you shoot him a subtle glare.

“Where are you headed to?” You ask.

“Oh, I’m going to grab a sandwich from the cafeteria.”

“We’re also headed to the cafeteria,” Jaehyun declares, with a smile that’s almost devilish.

“No, we’re not,” you say quickly, making Dongmin raise an eyebrow. You hold back a groan. If only Dongmin weren’t raised to be the politest man you know and a little bit more of an asshole. 

You hum and turn to Jaehyun. “I told you about that new cafe. Remember, honey?”

Dongmin makes an ‘o’ with his mouth. “Nicknames, already? Ah, I’m so jealous. It must be great to get along with your soulmate.”

Oh, the sweet summer child that Dongmin is.

Jaehyun furrows his eyebrows. “Oh, won’t it take too long, darling? We have—”

He makes a show of checking his Rolex, a gift he received from his superior that he spares no chance to flex.

“—Around ten minutes left.”

You hold back a groan and plaster on your smile. “Come on. Now is the best time.”

“That sounds like a load of—”

You elbow Jaehyun hard in the gut and a restrained sound dies in his throat, eyes widening in the sweet look of discomfort taking over his features. You smile triumphantly and turn to Dongmin with an immediate change of expression.

“I’ll see you in office later,” you say, bowing slightly.

Dongmin nods and gets off on the fifth floor. You watch in quiet relief as the elevator door closes and turn to your dear companion, irked.

“Did you have to do that?” Jaehyun asks, voice raspy with pain.

“You deserved it. Don’t you dare make this a bigger mess than it already is.”

“You came up with it.” Jaehyun straightens, finally. Apart from the few loose strands of his neatly parted hair, he doesn’t seem all that disgruntled.

“And we’re going to set some ground rules,” you declare, closing your arms.

Jaehyun straightens to his full height, the space between the two of you diminishing. 

"Okay," he agrees. "Then we both get a say in it. It's a contract, after all."

"Fine. First rule, no being weird around Dongmin."

Jaehyun chuckles. "I think you need to be more careful about that than I do."

You pat his cheek. "Focus. Just don't- don't be around him for too long."

Jaehyun purses his lips. "Why are you so uncomfortable around him? I thought you were doing this because you didn't want to reject him."

You glance away, feeling uncomfortable. "It doesn't matter. I just don't want him to know."

Jaehyun hums. "Fine. My turn. No calling me a chump."

Your cheeks puff up as you try to contain your laughter. "It bothered you that much, huh?"

Jaehyun furrows his brows. "No one's ever called me that before. It's always 'oh my god, he's so handsome, who is he?' or 'ooh, I might faint from how hot he is'."

You giggle. "Alright, handsome."

Jaehyun exhales, his puffed cheeks making him look like a resentful five year old instead of a grown man with a professional job. You pause before you get back on track.

“No nicknames,” you blurt. “It’s weird when you call me something endearing. And your flirting feels kind of threatening.”

“What do you mean, baby?”

“See! You’re doing it again.” You cross your arms at the look on his face; anything close to victorious over Jaehyun’s features is unbearable to you.

He raises his arms in exasperation. “How are we supposed to make this work if we act like we don’t care about each other. Guess why Doyoung’s taking us to couple therapy?”

You huff, slightly pissed off. “You’re saying it was my fault?”

“I’m saying we could have avoided that with better acting.”

“You think you’re so—”

The elevator door opens with a ding on the first floor and you turn to find a bunch of interns back from their lunch break. It would be much less of an awkward affair if you and Jaehyun weren’t well into each other’s personal spaces, noses almost touching and with a mutual glare which could be easily mistaken for a look of something more sensual. You jump away from Jaehyun and leave the elevator as fast as you can, feeling far too conscious of yourself. With long strides, you exit the corporate airs of the building to a sunny, fairly populous sidewalk. 

Jaehyun catches up to you, bending and trying to catch a glimpse of your face with an incredulous smile over his.

“Don’t say a word, Yoonoh.”

“Ooh, you’re saying my name now.”

“This isn’t funny!”

“I find it plenty funny.”

“That’s because of your trash sense of humour.”

“Mhm.”

“Don’t look so smug.”

Mondays are the days that make you want to scream in agony, not Thursdays—though they are pretty high up on the worst days of the week list. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe pretending to be in love with someone you simply cannot be in love with is an awful idea. 

Soulmates don’t need to be in love with each other, you think to yourself. There’s plenty of soulmates who are just in it for the financial benefits; you can just pretend to be one of them. This dilemma is starting to fray your nerves and Jung Yoonoh, with his lax disposition and dimpled cheeks, is making it worse. And to top it off, you now have to take him to your favourite (kind of secret) cafe in the name of the lies that slipped your tongue. It was supposed to be a quiet comfort spot for you.

You blow a puff of air out and dismiss the thought. Comfort spots aren’t real anyway when you’re all grown. There’s bound to be a breach. 

However, you will not let the (lacking) romance department of your life get sorted out by someone who doesn’t even know you. Lady luck would be an acquaintance to you at most. If fate is a game of chance after all, you might as well be the one spinning the roulette. You look at Jaehyun, piecing together the perfect plan for this seemingly frivolous play-pretend. The game is in your hands now. 

You blink at the figure of Jung Yoonoh under February sunlight on a modestly busy sidewalk. It’s not something to be surprised at—however, the stark contrast in attire makes you stare longer than you intend to. Wearing a black graphic hoodie and pair of worn out jeans, Jaehyun looks about as casual as you can bear. It’s always weird to see coworkers out of formal clothing.

“Are you just going to stare at me till Doyoung comes and picks us up?” he asks. 

You roll your eyes. 

“You look nice,” he says, and you glance down at your outfit with a flush of heat over your cheeks. It’s just a short A-line skirt, stockings and a sweatshirt. This is as basic as you get. What’s worse is that his comment didn’t sound sarcastic.

“You- You look nice too. I guess.” Once in a while, you will say something extremely stupid and pretend it never happened. The frequency increases around Jaehyun for some damn reason.

“You guess? I’m pretty sure I look more than nice.”

“And how long did you look at yourself in the mirror and practise catchphrases this time?”

Jaehyun’s ears turn the shade of cherries and you press down your smile. You knew that time you caught him talking to himself in front of a car window would play to your advantage. 

“What’s that you’re holding?” you ask, eyeing the plastic bag he’s holding.

“Ginseng,” he answers, staring blankly at the cars passing by. “I heard the couples therapist is in his sixties so he might find it useful.”

“Oh, old people stuff,” you muse quietly. “That’s quite thoughtful of you.”

You should’ve brought something, you think for a moment before realizing that couples probably don’t give separate gifts. 

“Thanks,” you mutter.

He raises an eyebrow. “For what?”

You shake your head. “Anyway, we might as well kill some time. Twenty questions. Let’s go.”

He laughs. “What are we, in college?”

You wrinkle your nose. “Don’t make us sound like we’re thirty. I bet you’re the kind of guy who has his retirement plan figured out.”

“Wrong,” he emphasizes, face leaning closer. 

“Fine. I’ll start the questions, you unsalted block of butter. How many relationships have you been in?”

Jaehyun opens his mouth and closes it, ears turning red. “That’s your first question?”

You roll your eyes. “Okay. I’m guessing it’s single digit and on the lower side.”

He rolls his eyes. “How many relationships have you been in?”

You shut your mouth. There’s a moment of silence, a breeze passing you by, carrying winter away in its arms to make room for spring. 

“Never found a relationship worth it,” you mutter, glancing away. 

Jaehyun hesitates before opening his mouth. “Me neither.”

“Good thing for us, eh? Love makes people crazy.”

Jaehyun faces you with a clipped smile. Never did you think Jaehyun from marketing would be relating to you on a personal matter.

“Oh, but I’ve had enough hookups and I can bet you’re mediocre at best in bed.” 

Jaehyun glares at you. “I am not and I can prove it to you.”

“Is that an invitation into your bed? No, thanks.”

He opens his mouth to retort but is interrupted by the Hyundai Grandeur pulling up to the sidewalk and rolling down the driver window to reveal Doyoung. He looks as overworked as usual, but his eyes are more tired, a bit of makeup covering the dark circles. You’ve heard his soulmate is a makeup artist for an idol group and wonder how they even came to be. Does fate throw darts randomly and pick its choice?

“Get in. Quick,” Doyoung instructs. “I have to drop you off and head home. My family is visiting. I didn’t even get a warning and they think I’m in a gay relationship with Taeyong because we still have our friendship rings from college.”

You want to laugh and agree but Doyoung looks rather pissed off so you hold it in. The two of you do as told, getting in the backseat and shutting the doors in sync. The car smells rather leafy mingling with the scent of fresh clothes and you eye the jar dangling from the rear-view mirror. You open your mouth to ask what scent that is when Doyoung’s voice rings out.

“What’s that?” Doyoung signals to the bag with Jaehyun.

Jaehyun looks down. “Ginseng extract.”

“Oh, the gift pack?” Doyoung asks. 

Jaehyun nods and Doyoung chuckles, shaking his head. “If that’s for Mr. Lee, forget it. He hates gifts. Something about inward appreciation and shit.”

Jaehyun groans, massaging his forehead. “What do I do with this then? Is this guy a priest?”

“Give it to Doyoung,” you suggest. “His family’s visiting.”

You hear an audible hum of approval from the driver seat and turn to Jaehyun making a face of reluctance. Maybe he isn’t so magnanimous after all, you think smiling.

“You’re both quite tame today,” Doyoung remarks, just when the silence is starting to swallow the inside of the car. “Makes me wonder if you need Mr. Lee after all.”

“We actually don’t…” You shake your head. “We’re here and it’s free so why not?”

Jaehyun shoots you a questioning look. It’s not like you can cancel when you’re in Doyoung’s car and already on the way. You’ve known your boss long enough to know the wrong answer to his questions. You look outside at Seoul streets and sigh. 

Jaehyun looks at you, your focus elsewhere and wishes this would end already. He has no idea what overcame him to accept your ridiculous offer but he must be just as ridiculous. At the very least, he finds you quite lovely to look at—not that he’d ever admit it to you. The foundation to this weird bickering friendship (if he can call it that) would be ruined by that. His ego, however, has been boosted up a few notches from the fact that you called him for help. He looks outside the window, holding back a smile. It’s a sunny day.

The therapist, Mr. Lee’s office building is a fancy one with an even fancier lobby. Baby pink leather couches cushion your bum nicely as you wait for your appointment. The architecture is that of a corporate firm and you feel quite at home with the large glass walls by the revolving door. This therapist guy must be rich as hell. The receptionist wears a formal uniform; her blouse is light pink with a grey pencil skirt and you like the look of it. You wonder if asking her where she bought it is time-appropriate. More couples sit around you and you, unfortunately, have to scoot closer to Jaehyun as a result. You do not want to catch that disease they all have. Why are they even here for therapy if they’re smiling at each other in that sickly enamored way? 

Now that you’re here, you’re starting to feel that this arrangement was ill-decisive. You should’ve done a better job of acting. You wonder if you can get a refund for that college course on acting, pouting as the ticking wall clock gets on your nerves. Even the marble floors are pink; the walls are mahogany red and there’s a heart-shaped wall clock, and should you glance around more, you’re going to nauseate yourself. This guy certainly takes his job seriously—or just really likes pink-red themes.

A woman in her early thirties exits the elevator and announces your names, and you click your tongue at the fact that she used Jung for your surname. It sounds distasteful. 

You follow her, starting to get nervous. You really hope this Mr. Lee isn’t as good as Doyoung says he is. Your fraud falling apart within three days is too embarrassing a defeat, not to mention bordering on illegal if found out. What the fuck does the government care about broken hearts and beneficial relationships? It’s so nosy. You understand the financial situation in case of happily bonded soulmates but apart from that, there really shouldn’t be this much discrepancy in the name of love.

Love drives people crazy. You’d rather not lose your good sense in the name of something so inane. After all, money makes the world go around, not love. 

Restricting a gag at the deep red heart on the door, you push them open with Jaehyun to find an old man sitting on a similar baby pink couch as in the lobby. He gets up to greet the two of you, the wrinkles on his face deepening when he smiles. Despite everything, he has a sort of grace to him, the one that comes with growing old elegantly. An upbeat song plays on a record player attached to the wall, although at a very low volume, and the tune reminds you of Animal Crossing. 

“Doyoung told me about the two of you,” Mr. Lee says, gesturing at the two of you to sit down. “How long has it been since you found out?”

“Six days,” you answer at the same time Jaehyun answers, “Four days”.

The two of you look at each other.

“Four-Six days. We didn’t keep track.”

“Ah,” Mr. Lee says. “How do you propose to celebrate your anniversary?”

You hesitate opening your mouth and declaring that you don’t really need to do that crap. Mr. Lee notices your expression and breaks into gentle laughter. 

“I’m kidding. Anniversary dates don’t matter,” he laughs. “It’s okay to celebrate your 100-day on the wrong day. Don’t worry.”

You purse your lips. To your dismay, Jaehyun isn’t as bothered by the sickly pink environment and Mr. Lee’s relaxed demeanour.

“I have a hundred percent success rate,” Mr. Lee assures the two of you, looking directly at you.

“That’s what I’m worried about,” you mutter under your breath and get a nudge from Jaehyun, who has his politest smile on.

You can’t believe Jaehyun has a better customer service mode than you do. If you didn’t know him, you’d be fooled into thinking he’s the nice guy character every office has. Unfortunately, that one goes to Dongmin. You hate getting stuck with nice guys (unless they offer financial stability).

“I think Doyoung might have been exaggerating,” Jaehyun explains calmly. “Whatever he told you.”

“He told me the two of you have a bickering problem. And staring at each other when the other isn’t looking.”

You cough. “That is not true. The staring part.”

Jaehyun narrows his eyes at you. “I knew you were checking me out,” he mutters.

You roll your eyes. “Keep dreaming, Jaehyun.”

Mr. Lee laughs. “Your bickering seems to be quite affectionate. I don’t know what that boy was worried about.”

You press your lips together into a thin smile, annoyed that anyone would ever describe your interaction with a man as affectionate. It makes you feel like an idiot. You were always better off alone—the universe was wrong to assign Dongmin to you. Maybe you needed to see the apparent love of your life clearly in love with someone else to snap you to reality.

“However, what is a playful lover’s fight in the beginning can turn into real fights.”

“Right,” you mutter. “It’s all fun and games in the beginning.”

“The two of you have almost no animosity—you’ve known each other before you discovered the soulmark, right?”

The two of you nod, having already reconciled yourselves to this session. It’s a one-time thing, you tell yourself. It will be over soon.

“The soulmate information shouldn’t influence the relationship you already had. If anything, it should be drawing you closer. First time awkwardness is common.”

He’s starting to sound a lot like your high school sex ed teacher. You get the idea to pretend to be sick and get out of this early.

“Company policy too,” Jaehyun mutters. “Unofficial company policy makes office romance out to be some sort of sacrilege.”

“You know, I was the CEO of your company so I do know the policies,” Mr. Lee says, smiling in the confident, reserved way senior citizens offering wisdom do. 

You choke on the water you were taking a sip of, a coughing fit overcoming you and Jaehyun hesitates before awkwardly patting your back.

“Huh? CEO? I’m sorry?” you manage. 

Mr. Lee lets out a loud, hearty laugh. “I stepped down two years ago.”

“That’s when I joined,” you and Jaehyun say at the same time.

Mr. Lee smiles at the two of you wordlessly. “I have an idea for the two of you. Why don’t you try turning your ‘I’s into ‘we’s? Do some activities together and when you talk about it, you’ll find yourself much closer.”

You narrow your eyes. “You know, Mr. Lee, I’m a little curious about your relation with the company—”

“My recommendations won’t help you get promotions faster.”

“Dammit.”

Jaehyun chuckles beside you but a glare from you turns it into a suppressed smile. The one thing that wouldn’t be a waste of time opened its door and closed it right back. 

“But you know how promotions work,” you press, leaning forward.

An alarm rings, so pleasant in tone that you know it’s a Samsung. Unfortunately, it’s the ugly flip model and you question Mr. Lee’s taste (and wealth).

“Oh, look, time’s up,” Mr. Lee announces, and you think you catch a hint of nervousness in his voice. 

Jaehyun springs up before his ears turn red, embarrassed by the gusto with which he himself got up and looks at you expectantly. You get up, sighing.

“Next time, Mr. Lee,” you warn. “I will get those details.”

“I charge by the hour.” He smiles.

“Stop threatening the therapist,” Jaehyun mutters to you, taking your arm and turning to leave.

“Oh, and,” Mr. Lee calls. “It’s always better to be honest than to pretend.”

You blink in surprise when Jaehyun tugs at your arm, bowing in thanks and leaving the room with you.

“Was it just me or did he see through us?” you whisper to Jaehyun.

He shakes his head, whispering back, “There’s no way he could tell. He’s probably referring to something else.”

“Like what?”

Jaehyun doesn’t answer.

“Tell me, are you always so domineering towards strangers even?” he asks. “I just thought you liked to press my buttons because I’m easygoing.”

You scoff. “Don’t flatter yourself. You’re not as cool as you think you are, especially since you get so hot and bothered by me.”

“It’s just you,” he whispers earnestly and your pulse rises. “No one else.”

You cough to kill the awkward silence and walk faster to the elevator. Jaehyun follows at a leisurely pace and it’s never occurred to you before but the sound of someone’s footsteps can also be annoying, proof currently standing beside you.

The elevator doors open, and much to your appallment, a young couple happens to be full blown making out inside the elevator, hands where there certainly shouldn’t be in broad daylight. Jaehyun whips his face away, clearing his throat loud enough for the couple to detach themselves from each other and hurriedly exit, fixing their clothes on the way.

“So he wasn’t lying about the success rate,” Jaehyun states quietly, a look of resigned horror on his face.

You can’t even respond for a few moments, following him into the elevator and shaking your head to get rid of the thought that inevitably jams itself inside your head. It might have a point, however.

"Maybe we should kiss too," you think out loud.

Jaehyun stiffens, looking at you with wide, fearful eyes. "No."

"We have to kiss, we're dating!" You exclaim, hands on your hips.

"We're not actually—ah, whatever. It’s not worth bickering with you."

"Why? Afraid you'll fall in love with me?”

Jaehyun shakes his head, and you’re suddenly aware that your bickering keeps drawing you closer to each other, your faces nearer than you’d realized.

"If anything," he starts with a confident smile. "You better not fall in love with me."

"Oh, please. You're taking this way too seriously."

"You're the one that wants to kiss me."

Your cheeks heat up. "You're- I- That's not—argh, fuck you."

Jaehyun looks smug, and you have the unstoppable urge to punch it off his face. You take a deep breath. Violence is not the way, (name).

“If we were a few years younger, you’d be begging for mercy under me,” you seethe.

Jaehyun’s eyes shift over your face in confusion, ears burning bright red with each passing second. Before he can open his mouth, you let out a short yell.

“Not like that, you pervert,” you say, leaning away from him. 

“I didn’t even say anything. On an unrelated note, were you a delinquent in school?”

You roll your eyes. “Kind of. I had a temper and a sharp tongue.”

“And now you’re a people pleaser. That’s quite the development.”

You smack his shoulder. “You’re getting on my nerves, punk.”

He makes an ‘oh’ with his mouth before smiling. “You totally did the delinquent accent.”

“I’m guessing you were the shy, little boy who flushed red at conversations about kissing.”

Jaehyun clears his throat in annoyance. “I was not. I was quite popular in high school and college, you know?”

“Yeah,” you mutter. “It’s that face of yours.”

“Sorry, what? I didn’t catch that.”

“Oh, look, we’re on the first floor.” You exit the elevator, leaving a puzzled Jaehyun to follow in stumbling steps.

“I don’t think Doyoung’s picking us up,” you state. “You take the bus? Or do you have a car to flex? I don’t ride in anything below a Tesla, unless it’s Doyoung because he’s technically my boss.”

“You’ll have to do with good old rented Hyundais,” he answers.

You exhale. Maybe he’s getting used to you. The bus stop is opposite the building, the structure squeaky clean and a bunch of people waiting on the seats. It’s a busy place and you wonder if the scammy-therapist-slash-your-former-ceo’s business has anything to do with that. You sit the first chance you get, shoulders pressed against Jaehyun’s for the lack of space and admiring the passing traffic. Seoul really just depends on the lenses you see through. Work days make the screen tinted grey and blue and you hate them often but some days, it’s good to experience those. Weekends are brighter, sunny and usually not with Jaehyun but he doesn’t really put a damper on them either.

You scan his side profile, a little envious when you realize that his confidence isn’t misplaced. You might have trained yourself to be more of a pleaser over the years but he’s the sort of person people come to like naturally. Moreover, his skin is perfect and his hair is always looking styled even in a mess. Fate and Life are partners in crime when it comes to being unfair.

Jaehyun turns to look at you and you snap your head to your lap, turning on your phone and staring at the homescreen for a good few seconds.

“Twenty questions,” Jaehyun announces. “Let’s play again. I’ll go first. Do you check me out when I walk away?”

“What is this, playing my own cards against me?” You scoff. “You’re so full of yourself.”

“So, yes or no?”

“Sometimes,” you mutter. “But it’s not the good kind of checking out. I’m checking out how terrible you look with your mess of a tie.”

Jaehyun laughs, the sound a hearty rumbling sort and you can’t help but smile back at that. It’s kind of cute when he laughs—the sound of it and the way his cheeks are dusted pink.

“My turn,” you say with a cheeky smile as you lean in to whisper. “Have you ever had a wet dream about me?”

Jaehyun chokes on air, coughing out the surprise as he stares at you dumfound. You stick the tip of your tongue out and throw him a wink, thoroughly enjoying this victory against him. It feels great to fluster someone like Jaehyun.

“No,” he says with clear emphasis. 

“Even the night you said I was so unbearably hot very loudly to Sicheng?”

Jaehyun leans back sighing, covering his face with his hand. “I was tipsy. And it was my first night out with coworkers. Give me a break.”

You giggle. “Honestly, it wasn’t that bad. There were worse incidents that night. An intern threw up on Doyoung’s shoes—I can’t even imagine the horror the poor girl experienced.”

Jaehyun shakes his head, smiling through his hand. 

“Have you ever sent nudes?” you ask, wiggling your eyebrows.

He sighs. “Maybe. Have you?”

“Oh, wouldn’t you like to know?”

He curls his lips. The answer seems to be no but you’re at least seventy percent sure he would be attracted to you in a world where your personality traits weren’t being nosy and annoying.

“Do you think you’re a good kisser?” Jaehyun asks, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees.

“Definitely.”

He scoffs, a smile tugging at his lips.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” You cross your arms.

He shrugs, leaning in slightly as though flirting (if he had the audacity). “We could test that.”

You feel your cheeks heat up. “What happened to no kissing in the contract?”

“It’s not officially there.”

You roll your eyes, glancing away. “You know, I’m starting to believe you were some sort of desperate fuckboy in college.”

“I- I was the hottest dude on campus and if we went to the same college, you would be pining after me. I literally had the Campus Prince title and girls would follow me to see me in class.”

He crosses his arms, a frown tugging down his lips.

“Ooh, Jung Yoonoh’s getting fired up,” you say in a monotonous voice. “Wonder how many girls you pulled with your chewed up fuckboy dialogue.”

Jaehyun scoffs but he clearly finds your accusations amusing, as hinted by his unbothered smile. He asks a question again.

“What’s more important to you—truth or happiness?” 

The question catches you off-guard. Jaehyun’s eyes are delicately curious, nothing too strong and even so, you find yourself holding your breath under his gaze.

“Huh?”

“Twenty questions. We were playing?” Jaehyun raises an eyebrow.

“Right.” You clear your throat, rubbing the back of your hand. “I… I’d choose happiness, I think. I’m… I’m not sure.”

“Really?” He doesn’t look too hellbent on taking apart your answer so you breathe out. He’s starting to pry into you finally. “I think the truth will make you happier.”

“That’s not- that’s not always true.” You look away, hoping the quietness of your voice ends the conversation there. You don’t know how to talk about it—you never really have. You’ve ugly cried over the lack of your love life to a stranger after five shots of whiskey but you don’t think you can talk about things like this sober. You don’t even know why you answered. Jaehyun makes you feel oddly comfortable.

Jaehyun shrugs, getting up when the next bus halts in front. 

“What did you major in?” you ask, following him.

“Business,” he answers before thinking. “Kind of hated it. But I started out with IT and that was somehow worse.”

You gasp, taking a seat beside him on the bus. “I started with IT too! It was a nightmare. You took that Database Management course?”

Jaehyun smiles. “It was like the course equivalent of reading the back of a Wi-Fi Router.”

You laugh. Maybe he isn’t so different after all. 

“You know, you do look like a business major,” you hum, furrowing your brows as you pretend to scrutinise him.

“So, you’re indirectly saying I either look like a rich kid or a jackass.” Jaehyun raises an eyebrow.

“They’re both the same thing.”

The laughter from the two of you makes an old woman behind you grunt in displeasure and the two of you apologize. It’s nice to talk like college kids again. The Seoul sunlight shines on Jaehyun’s face and you bite back a smile when his dimples appear. They aren’t all that bad. If you get along like this, there’s no reason to worry about fate and the universe and other superfluous things offered to you on a boring old ceramic plate. It’s a smooth ride.

Your eyes drift to Dongmin’s workspace instinctively and you shake your head. This is exactly why you were avoiding him and even started the entire fake relationship with Jaehyun. You’d choose fake dating a (good-looking) chump from management over embarrassment and possible heartbreak any day.

You groan internally before glancing again and find the desk empty. Surprised, you blink and turn only to scream at Dongmin’s figure behind you.

“Shh!” he says urgently. “Don’t move. And don’t panic when I say this but there’s a bug on your shoulder.”

“What the fuck? Get it off, please,” you say, voice choking up.

Dongmin rolls up a stack of papers and you let out a low screech. “Don’t kill it on my shoulder!”

“Sorry,” he says and your eyes soften as he gently pushes the paper against your shoulder and takes it away. You breathe a sigh of relief and he signs you a thumbs up as he wiggles the paper in the air outside the window. 

“You saved me,” you say, smiling.

He returns it, his most beloved eye smile making you wonder if you made the right choice. Wouldn’t it be fun to just crash everything and watch it burn? You know you want to. Benevolence and grace were never your style. However, it’s his smile again that stops you. Maybe you don’t really want to be the bad guy after all. You’re sparing him from confusion and dread.

You’re sparing yourself from rejection and inevitable loneliness (yay).

It’s been a week, discussing details with Jaehyun before the both of you collectively decided to just wing it and hope you’re not caught. After all, there’s no real way to prove you’re not soulmates if you’re careful enough (the same way you can’t prove someone’s cheating if they’re careful enough but that’s quite a depressing analogy). Perhaps if you renounce the soulmate benefits (and Dongmin didn’t smile as often at you), it would be less morally taxing. You, however, are greedy. When you want something, you’ll do anything to get it.

You stare at the computer screen and sigh, cross checking the employee records for incorrect data and your eyelids start to droop. Of all the days, you just had to be assigned the most boring task on a Friday. You also should’ve gotten sleep instead of getting mad at Jaehyun’s dry responses to your plan of action. It was perfectly viable; unnecessary, but perfect nonetheless.

Soojin rolls her chair backwards into yours. “We’re going drinking tonight. Wanna come? You can bring your boy-toy too.”

You roll your eyes. “As much as I’d love to call him that, he’s still the chump from marketing for me.”

“Or,” Soojin emphasizes. “Your actual soulmate. How lucky is it that you work in the same building, in the same company?”

“I’m not sure if you’re being ironic.” You scroll through the database with trained eyes.

“I’m not. A lot of soulmates don’t even get to see each other because of their line of work. It’s so tragic.”

You’d be glad if you didn’t get to see Dongmin ever too. But you’ll keep that to yourself. You hum in response and hear a sigh from behind you.

“Let’s have fun,” she whines. “Is Jaehyun that much of a downer? He’s one of the hottest dudes in the building. I thought you’d be cheery.”

You pause and think to yourself. She does have a point. You’re definitely supposed to look happier. Your soulmate has the looks of a model and fifteen year old you would fawn over him no doubt.

“It’s the work,” you answer. “I’m working overtime to compensate for my rent.”

You work overtime anyway because you hate heading home to an empty apartment. 

“Ah, you signed a new lease, right? Near Songpa?” Soojin looks at you with pity and pats your shoulder. “You know what? I’ll treat you to drinks tonight. You deserve a day off, missy.”

You smile. “Thanks, Soojin.”

“And,” she adds in a singsong voice. “The love of your life is here.”

You furrow your eyebrows before tilting your head and almost sighing in exasperation at the figure of Jung Yoonoh outside the glass door. He may not show it, but you know distress when you see it. You’ve seen enough squirming undergraduates at company interviews. 

You quickly get up from your seat, praying that he didn’t mess something up. However, you find it cute when he looks like this, the urge to fluster him even more presenting itself to be rather tempting.

“I think you have a sick obsession with me, Jaehyun.” You cross your arms after closing the door behind you.

He exhales, closing his eyes for a moment before taking your arm and pulling you away from the door. 

“Woah, this isn’t high school. You can’t just pull me into a corner to make out.”

Jaehyun’s ears flare hot red and he clears his throat. “You’re in high spirits today.”

You weren’t, actually. Somehow, teasing Jaehyun gives you the same rush as caffeine. You just love when the nonchalance on his face turns into discomposure.

“I came to give Doyoung these files. Or you, since you’re practically his assistant.”

You ignore his comment. “There’s clearly something else.”

“The team sports event is coming up,” Jaehyun starts, hesitating. “I’m not managing it this year. I have to participate.”

“So?”

“So Dongmin has a higher chance of finding us out. What if he sees my mark in the changing room and it all goes to shit?”

“Great! He’ll think you’re his soulmate and I’ll be spared from this nonsense.”

“I’m being serious. It’s already difficult living with Sicheng and having to change with my doors locked. It’s kind of suspicious.”

“Do you guys sleep naked with each other or what?”

“No, but I do sleep with my shirt off.”

“Ugh. Why would you give me that image?” you complain. The image isn’t bad per se but it’s not what you need right now.

“You clearly liked it,” he mutters. 

You furrow your eyebrows. “You’re not doing this just to give me a load of unnecessary anxiety, are you? Do you know how swamped with work I am?”

“No, of course not,” he answers, no indication of which question he answered. “Also, is there a reason Soojin’s glaring at me?”

You wave your hand in dismissal. “It’s just the haven’t-warmed-up-to-coworker’s-new-boyfriend glare. Don’t worry about it.”

He doesn’t seem too relieved but you have more anxious thoughts invading the privacy of your Friday evening. You have to keep up your composure. It could happen one way or another, perhaps in a situation better than a team sports activity, but you have to figure it out. You reject your soulmate anyway—the same way he would.

Glaring at Jaehyun one last time, you get back to your desk. Jaehyun looks at your receding figure and finds himself checking you out, the largest blow he’s taken to his dignity. He shakes his head, breathing in and out. This is so not like him. He’s supposed to be the suave, handsome guy who people can’t seem to get to and yet—yet, you do it so easily. It’s unfair. He swallows his heart and tells himself he’s too old to feel this way. He’ll just drown himself in work and pretend love is a commodity like everyone else with a corporate job is supposed to. 

“You know,” Soojin starts when you get back. “Jaehyun kind of looks high if you look at him long enough. Weed is illegal though but who knows? Maybe he’s a bad boy deep down after all.”

“Which rumour have you been paying attention to now?” You sigh deeply.

Soojin laughs. “It’s funny to hear everyone’s opinions. Even if most of them turn into scandalous tall tales.”

“Anyway,” she continues. “I’m clocking out. I’ll get Jaehyun to take you to the sake bar.”

You look at her, puzzled.

“You’re a matching set now,” she follows up and you groan.

“Don’t give me that cr—”

“Toodle-oo! Let’s have some fun before we’re grey and old, eh?”

You sigh and nod. Maybe you should look into a caffeine fix, even if it costs you a mental power outage at the end of the rush. It’s not like you to be so down on a Friday but alas, Fate is as miserable a woman as you are. The sake bar is starting to sound good.

Or, you could always watch a few ASMR cooking videos instead of staring blankly at the employee records. Either way, this Friday better improve by tonight.

“This is going great,” Soojin says, louder than she probably intended after her fourth shot.

“Of course it is,” you mutter. 

You haven’t yet had a chance to drink more because of two reasons: one) Soojin is hogging the alcohol and two) it would be embarrassing to get drunk in front of Jaehyun. Adding to your misery, Soojin has been gushing over her soulmate and the way she always makes breakfast for Soojin, listing off every single recipe she’s made. You would love to listen but you’re a tiny bit past your limit.

“Wooh, Jaehyun, you look hot,” Soojin whistles, in more of an older sister manner. “I can almost see your tattoo. Why don’t the two of you show us at the same time and we can take a commemorative picture?”

You cough loudly. “Mine’s on my waist, Soojin. I’m not ready to expose skin.”

“Right. Sorry.” She turns back at lightning speed to bother Dongmin with her stories, who smiles at her politely. It seems so genuine that you’re slightly enamored with it for a moment. There’s Jungwoo from marketing beside him, some more HR employees and thankfully, no interns. Doyoung is the only one partly miserable in the lot, talking into the phone for half an hour now. 

“Shit.” Jaehyun nudges you and whispers, “I forgot about the tattoo. This T-shirt makes it very visible.”

You look at him, alarmed. You fix his jacket, startling him, and pull the zipper all the way to his neck, making sure to backhand him on the chin.

“There.”

“It’s hot in here.”

“What do you want me to do about it? God, you’re like a child.”

“I’m like a—okay. Just cover my tattoo with foundation or something.”

“You think I carry around a whole bottle of foundation?”

Jaehyun blinks, deeming it safer to keep his mouth shut. 

“Okay. Fine. I have an idea. Come to the washroom with me.”

“Oh my, this isn’t your making out in the corner type of thing, right?”

You glare at him and he shuts up, following you quietly to the surprisingly clean restroom. The fact that it isn’t gendered makes you very glad. You make Jaehyun sit on the low enough basin counter and push your knee against it to balance yourself as you take out a permanent marker from your bag.

“I hope Doyoung doesn’t fire me for sneaking away,” you mutter angrily. “He didn’t even make me receive his calls all day.”

Jaehyun scoffs lightly. “Please, Doyoung adores you and your work ethic. He talks about it more than what I need to overhear. That and Taeyong’s detailed aquarium maintenance rules.”

“He does?”

Jaehyun clears his throat and you hold back bombing him with more questions till you’re done with painting an arrow into his tattoo.

“Isn’t it weird?” He looks at you with round, curious eyes. “Yours is a heart. Mine’s a pierced heart.”

“Hm. Funny coincidence.”

“Do you have to sit on my lap for this?”

“I’m not sitting on your lap,” you hiss. You are kind of close. You train your eyes on his collarbone as you pull his neckline down. 

It would be so embarrassing to be caught like this. You’d rather be caught making out with someone in the broom closet. You hold back a pained sigh. Jaehyun has some nerve speaking to you when you’re already annoyed with him. Couldn’t he just have worn his business attire? Why does he get to go home early? Taeyong is far too lenient a boss. You start swearing internally, getting nervous when you think about the consequences of your actions.

“Has anyone ever filed a complaint against you?” Jaehyun asks, and you nudge his chin upwards to draw the line on his tattoo.

“For what? Being perfect and successful?”

“For that attitude. The ‘take what I want’ attitude.”

You roll your eyes. “No. You’re saying it like I’m awful to the core for trying to take what I want. I haven’t got such a bad soul, you know, as souls go. You wouldn't write articles about how good a soul it is but… it’s well enough.”

Jaehyun raises an eyebrow and you avert your gaze from his eyes. This sort of proximity shouldn’t be bothering you, you shouldn’t be rambling.

The door opens right then and in a fit of panic, you do the unthinkable. You press your lips to Jaehyun’s and pray that whoever walked in has no idea who you are and more importantly, can’t see the permanent marker in your hand. 

“I’m so sorry!”

You know that voice. You half regret it when you hear it. Dongmin exits the bathroom as quickly as he entered and you pull away to look at the empty space. Beside you, Jaehyun stays so still that you forget he’s there for a moment. You breathe out in relief though part of you still feels a heavy ounce of regret.

You turn back to Jaehyun and find his doe eyes soft and lost in thought.

“I get it now,” Jaehyun whispers. “It must hurt. That he doesn’t care about the system.”

“What are you talking about?”

“That he’s so reckless about discarding you.”

You separate yourself from him further, standing up and brushing your clothes. “You’re overstepping.”

“Sorry,” he responds quietly. 

There’s a pause.

“Did you just kiss me right now?”

“Shut up. I didn’t want him to see us and especially this.” You wave the marker in front of his face.

“You just kissed me in a fit of panic. That’s the first time I’ve seen someone respond to panic this way.” Jaehyun looks a little too smug.

“What are you implying?” 

“You wanted to kiss me.”

You scoff. “Don’t get too ahead of yourself.” 

You want to knock the smile right off his face but you stick to flicking his forehead, his yell of surprise satisfying. This Friday night was supposed to get better. In fact, you are going to make it better if life won’t. The soju won’t drink itself and you deem that Soojin has had enough. 

Ignoring Dongmin’s confused look, you order far too many soju shots to be considered healthy. As you promised yourself, you are going to make this Friday better.

//

You just had to go and get drunk. Jaehyun stares at you, blinking slowly and wondering just how much you can embarrass yourself before it becomes a burden for him. He has to get you home; you’re practically a matching set now. But are the halves of a pair supposed to take care of the other when they get drunk?

“You know what, guys?” You announce, standing up abruptly and immediately getting pulled back to your seat by Jaehyun. It doesn’t stop your mouth however.

“I hate the stupid system,” you continue. “To tell the truth—”

He smacks his hand over your mouth. Jaehyun has had enough of the silent mini heart attacks you give him. The rest look at him with puzzled looks and he can’t even bring himself to give them a polite smile before dragging you out of the bar. The night breeze is cold enough—maybe it’ll sober you up.

"You're so annoying, Jaehyun," you mutter, massaging your forehead. "Did you know that?"

Or maybe it won’t.

"Never heard that before."

"How do you always keep to yourself and still be the center of attention?" You cling to his arm for balance. 

"Have you considered that maybe a polite man isn't as scheming as you think he is?"

You curl your lips. "Stop using big sentences. I hate that I barely know you, and I know everyone."

Jaehyun purses his lips. "You just enjoy the power that comes with figuring people out. Don't you?"

"Whatever you say. I want life to be a nice and smooth ride but then again, I can't even face my soulmate." You let out an airy laugh. "I didn't really need one though."

Jaehyun laughs in disbelief. "You look like you're dying of loneliness."

"Ooh, that's a big claim, Yoonoh."

"You say I keep to myself but what about you? You like hiding, don't you?"

You laugh. "Is this the part where I say we're nothing alike?"

He purses his lips, shaking his head in dismissal. He's just tired of chit-chat with someone who smells like she robbed a liquor store in Itaewon.

“You must think I’m some sort of selfish, vapid, work-obsessed overachiever,” you continue, tilting your head with a blank look in your eyes.

“Well, not exac—”

“But guess what? Your opinions are invalid, Jung Yoonoh. You’re just some chump from marketing. A very good-looking chump but still.”

Jaehyun swears under his breath as you fling your arms open in the same manner a speech-giving patriot fighting for freedom would. Unfortunately, the freedom struggle is private in this day and age, and you just smacked him in the nose instead.

You sigh deeply and he looks at you again, warily now as he holds his nose.

“You’re not exactly wrong either. I’m so empty. Like a bottle of soju with no soju. Could you bring me some?”

Jaehyun massages his temples and solidifies his resolve. He’s had enough stares from people on the sidewalk. With delicate concern, he holds you up with one arm around your waist, balancing your weight evenly so you can stand. Promptly, you bury your face into his neck and an embarrassing, high-pitched squeak evades the filter of his mouth. You’re just so adept at making his days (and nights) worse.

Jaehyun tries his best to carry you to the parking lot without any signs of struggle but good lord, are you uncooperative. Once he’s down lugging you to the passenger seat, he breathes out in relief at long last and makes sure you don’t fold in over yourself dozing off the seat. Getting you to sit up, he finds himself smiling the slightest bit at your smudged lipstick. Even like this, you’re quite pretty. 

Realizing what thought came over him, he shakes his head vigorously as if he’s committing a horrible crime. He just has to get you home—Soojin had texted him the address prior to the outing just in case—and then he can go back to pretending whatever he even is supposed to.

The sports event is really just HR and Management trying to one-up the other in a more quantitative way. You’re not really fond of the sweat and heavy breathing that comes with physical exertion if it’s for the sake of competition. Competition is such a childish, masculine way of handling things, especially emotions.

HR is leading in wins, however and that means you have something to rub in Jaehyun’s face. You hate participating but you’re not allowed to opt out without a medical certificate. At least one competition, and you had to choose the three-legged race. All these potential partners, and Dongmin had to choose you.

“I’ll win,” you tell Jaehyun, stopping by him once you exit the changing room. The indoor stadium is usually a recreational facility for senior employees but on sports day, it’s closer to a gladiator arena. The seats are green and occupied by grinning employees, most of them glad for a day off but also upset they don’t get to attend their personal affairs in it.

Jaehyun stops himself from rolling his eyes. “Shouldn’t it be a ‘we’? You need a partner. Oh, are you sad you can’t pick me?”

“Not at all.” You cross your arms, annoyed at his mock pity. 

Right then, Dongmin jogs up to you in a blue tracksuit. His hair sticks to his forehead because unlike you, he takes sports very seriously. Jaehyun, on the other hand, just seems to enjoy the competition. As a guilty pleasure, you’d like to see the two of them compete one day. That would be a competition worth betting on.

“I’ll have to borrow your soulmate.” Dongmin laughs. “The race is starting.”

Life strikes again with its poorly timed irony.

“Don’t mind me,” Jaehyun says politely.

The race is easier than you thought it would be considering most of the other employees struggle with teamwork. You’re the HR team for a reason. But then again, you feel a certain hollowness pervade you while you’re pressed to Dongmin’s side. Wouldn’t it be nice?

All you can think is that Dongmin and you are perfectly in sync. The realization comes off as sad despite your victory and the wide grins on both of your faces. 

Jaehyun purses his lips and gives the two of you a nonchalant look. He’s avoided getting caught in the changing room quite well. For some reason, he’s glad that you’re winning but also dissatisfied about it. He would certainly feel different if he were participating in that race, wouldn’t he? He would win. Losing a competition is a huge blow to his ego. Lately, he seems to be losing a lot of races. The two of you have been growing closer and he doesn’t mind late night discussions about flawed systems and childhood memories; but the fact that you’re growing on him is something for him to be on edge about. He’s never felt so close to someone, and still so far.

“Oh, they have good chemistry, don’t they?” Doyoung comments beside Jaehyun, before taking a sip from his bottle.

“What chemistry?” Jaehyun snaps and Doyoung almost chokes on the water.

“Chill out, man.” Doyoung eyes Jaehyun’s figure in concern. “She’s like officially yours.”

Jaehyun refuses in a series of sputtering responses. “That’s not what I meant. I’m not jealous. I’m not that kind of man.”

“I didn’t paint you as that kind of man either,” Doyoung mutters before speaking up. “But love, Jaehyun. Love’s a weird thing.”

Jaehyunn ignores his comment and walks down to the grounds, jogging up to you. He immediately forgets to say anything at all. Smooth move, Yoonoh.

You just stick out your tongue at him subtly.

“I told you we’d win,” you say.

Jaehyun crosses his arms. “Congratulations. I thought you, quote, hate this stupid competition for dunces.”

You clear your throat and Dongmin laughs beside you. Before he can offer his bottle, Jaehyun offers his own in a rush. You raise an eyebrow but don’t question it.

“You guys really are a perfect pair.” Dongmin laughs. “Sometimes I wish Mijoo was my soulmate.”

You give him a pitiful smile. There go your happy feelings of victory.

“But I’m happy this way.” Dongmin nudges your shoulder with his. “Don’t give me that look.”

That is not the look he thinks you were giving. You smile. 

“What about this? We can go on a double date! Those are fun, right?” Dongmin muses, crossing his arms.

“No,” you and Jaehyun refuse in a panic, and Dongmin blinks in confusion at the overwhelming response.

“I'm more of a homebody,” you explain.

“Yeah, me too,” Jaehyun agrees.

It makes Dongmin laugh aloud. “Oh, fate didn’t go wrong with the two of you.”

Your smile wavers. Did it go so wrong with you and Dongmin? Jaehyun’s hand brushes yours and you look at him. A perfect side profile and flushed hot cheeks with dimples to die for. You wouldn’t mind being in love with him. You don’t mind love much at all. 

Shaking off the thought, you watch as Dongmin leaves the two of you to run to the changing rooms. Eyeing Jaehyun’s red team sweatshirt with “Management” in big typography over the chest, you look back up to his face. 

“Why did you jog over here so desperately?” You wiggle your eyebrows. “Jealous?”

“Yes. I am irreparably in love with you.”

He leans in quickly and you flinch, making his dimples show up.

“Asshole,” you curse. “I’ll file you for harassment. Don’t do that again.”

“Isn’t it harassment when you feel me up while you draw—” Jaehyun leans in to whisper. “—the soulmark?” 

“I would never have my hands near your greasy existence if I could,” you huff, scandalized. 

But the thing is, Jaehyun is getting better at this game of flustering each other and you don’t like it one bit.

“Hey, you know Dongmin’s girlfriend?” he asks suddenly. 

You nod. “Kind of. I’ve seen her pictures on Instagram.”

Jaehyun pauses before humming in realization.

You cough. “Not that I was stalking them or something. Obviously.”

Jaehyun gives you a knowing smile but doesn’t question anything, much to your aggravation. It would’ve been better if you had a chance to prove you weren’t stalking them but then again, that is exactly what you were doing.

“Well, we went to the same college. Same major too.”

“Are you serious? Wait, how do you know? Does this mean you stalked their Instagram too?”

“Too?”

“Shut up.”

There’s a beat of silence. 

“She’s not exactly the evil homewrecker type,” he says.

“I know that,” you snap. If anything, you feel like the evil homewrecker even if Dongmin’s supposed to be your soulmate.

They’re so reckless. Jaehyun was right—you do blame them in a way. They don’t care who they trample under their nauseating parade of romance. But then again, that parade is better than a personal rejection.

“I’m just saying… don't hold it against them.”

“I don’t remember asking for advice, Jung Yoonoh.”

Jaehyun shrugs, dropping the issue. The preparations for the next race is starting and it has something to do with passing balls from basket to basket—you get bored already when you see Doyoung stretch before shaking hands with Taeyong.

“Wanna get ice-cream? We funded the food truck this year.” Jaehyun looks expectantly at you.

“Sure.” 

You contemplate holding his hand for a moment but let that thought bury itself. You don’t have to pretend right now. 

Much to your despair (or delight) however, Jaehyun takes your hand absentmindedly as he walks towards the exit. It’s not that you’ve never held hands before, it’s just that Jaehyun’s skin is soft against yours.

“I can’t believe you and Mijoo were in the same course.”

It seems she’s ahead of you in every direction you look to tread on. Of course, you will not be telling Jaehyun that. You don’t exactly feel jealousy—can’t feel jealousy when your life is perfect as it is. And for Jaehyun? You hate to admit it but you’d trade places with Mijoo any day.

“Well, she didn’t really like socializing back then so I didn’t know we were in the same program either.”

You chuckle, glancing down at your intertwined fingers despite your best efforts. It feels nice like this. It feels nice to be wanted by someone—even if it’s a lie.

“Do you think- Do you think they’re brave?” You ask. “They didn’t even hesitate to disregard the system.”

“I think people in love are always brave.”

You hum, looking down at your feet. All the more reason the system fucked up. You were never even supposed to be partnered up. You’re not brave—the face you put on is. The idea of love seems to get further and further away from you.

Just then, Jaehyun tugs at your hand, walking slightly faster and making you complain as you jog to catch up with his long strides. The food truck is fairly large, on the street outside to the stadium entrance. February is catching up with its heat and you curse at global warming for this hot winter day.

“You can take up to five scoops of different flavours,” he informs you, grinning sheepishly. “I guess the cups aren’t large enough for beyond that.”

“I didn’t know you were this passionate about ice-cream,” you say.

“Sicheng rubbed off on me.”

You laugh. IT must have given Sicheng enough stress to develop a sweet tooth. You love the HR Department when you look at the others in your company.

Jaehyun has a nice smile. You don’t know why you think that but you do and now you can’t focus on anything apart from the pink dust sprinkled over his cheeks and the handsome dimples that accompany. You don’t want to stare but clearly, Jaehyun must have been blessed by some divide being if not for fate. Maybe he’s a mess up like you. As far as you know, his soulmate doesn’t exist. That little red heart is so simple that none of the soulmate designs match it.

A rather repulsing part of you is happy about it. You like the feel of Jaehyun’s hands. You like the way he looks at you. You wouldn’t mind it if he were yours.  

Jaehyun’s house is as cosy as his mother makes you feel. It’s been a while since you’ve been home and if you were perhaps less emotionally constipated, you would have tears welling up in your eyes. There’s quite a few relatives too but then again, every Asian family jumps at the chance to celebrate something as mediocre as engagements and marriage and soulmate findings. Apparently, hormones are perfectly fine to them once you’re not teenagers anymore.

This isn’t so bad. What was so scary about meeting parents again? Jaehyun’s dad did challenge you with a questionnaire but lucky for you, you know exactly how interviews work. You’ve got enough information on Jaehyun from the man himself for this visit. The briefing he gave you was boring though; you already know what you need to know about Jaehyun.

You sit at the table, while most of the other guests work in the kitchen. Jaehyun’s mother asks you questions about your life, friendly and welcoming in every way possible. Mothers are truly god-sent. You wonder how she produced someone as far from divine as Jaehyun. (Except in looks, perhaps.)

You say that out loud and get a sharp quip from Jaehyun, his mother’s eyes lighting up at your childish interaction.

“Oh my, fate is never wrong!” She remarks with a wide smile. “I’ve never seen Jaehyun open up so much with anyone before. He was such a shy boy in school, you know? All the girls would send letters and confessions and he would just turn red in the face.”

“Mom.” He smiles all too sweet at her but you can see the panic in his eyes.

She rolls her eyes before turning to you. “Darling, you have no idea how proud I feel to see him this at ease. I was honestly getting tired of all the ‘your son is so polite and well-mannered’ comments. Some bickering ought to do him good.”

“Mom,” he repeats, straightening. “I think auntie needs some help setting up the table.”

“Don’t shoo me away yet. I have to tell (name) about the time you were elected class representative in middle school. And all those sports and acting awards.”

“You don’t have to advertise me, Mom,” he says, dropping his face into his hands to rub at his eyes, already growing tired. “I’m already- I’m already hers.”

His mother coos and apart from the expected deep red flush on Jaehyun’s skin, you find yourself feeling hot in the face too. Jaehyun’s aunt calls for his mother right then and you watch as she makes her way to the kitchen entrance, the two women glancing at you and giggling to each other over some shared words.

Jaehyun takes the opportunity to grab your hand and walk away to a more obscure part of the house upstairs. With significantly less relatives, it should be a good hiding spot unless discovered by his giggling cousins that he refuses to introduce you to. 

“Aw, what a shy baby,” you coo, smiling at the thought of a younger, easily-flustered Jaehyun.

His ears are bright red and you think that he’s still easily flustered. He just doesn’t show it much anymore—there’s only one dead giveaway.

“Forget everything my mom said,” he instructs. “It’s not important information.”

“Oh, no, darling. Your mother is a gold mine of vital information. You know what? I’m going to go chat her up right now. I’m sure you were quite the teenage dream I should know about.”

Jaehyun grips your wrist before you can escape, pulling your closer.

“Don’t.”

You don’t know if it’s the proximity or the fact that there are most definitely a few family members that could walk in right now—but you find yourself embarrassed as you look at his face. It’s very pleasant, handsome even, and the strands of his hair look irresistibly soft from this distance. You reach your hand out and brush the hair out of his eyes, almost instinctively. 

“You have nice eyes, Jaehyun,” you say out loud, not sure why. He doesn’t fluster this time but it makes you all the more aware of your nearness.

Your eyes glance at the bottom of the staircase to see a little girl, around nine, hiding from behind the wall that separates the dining room and the kitchen. You return your gaze to Jaehyun with a smirk.

"We should kiss right now. Your little cousin's watching."

Jaehyun looks mildly disgusted. "Why would I want to kiss you in front of my cousin?"

You roll your eyes. “You don't get it, do you? The fastest way to convince a family is through rumours.”

Jaehyun raises an eyebrow. "So?"

"Oh my god, you're an idiot. Nosy cousins are the most effective way to spread rumours."

"Ah." Jaehyun looks enlightened enough for you to continue.

"Okay, but first you need to have these mints." You take out the emergency mints from your purse.

"What? I don't need mints. I have nice smelling breath.”

"Everyone needs mints, Jaehyun. Especially men."

Jaehyun sighs heavily. You take the opportunity to grab his wrist and pull him into a corner. 

"Have this mint or else."

You hold his face between your thumb and forefingers, cheeks squishing under the pressure as you force a mint in. He lets you do it for some reason, looking lost as he gazes at you. 

You raise an eyebrow. "Oh my, you're enjoying this. Pervert."

"Wha—what? You have to stop thinking you're hot shit, oh my god. I just got distracted for a bit."

"By me, right?"

"No! I just zoned ou—you're enjoying this."

You bite down your smile but a giggle escapes you anyway. Jaehyun rolls his eyes though he smiles, looking far too close to irresistible when his dimples show.

"You can't keep teasing me," he says, voice low.

"I've been doing it for two years. I'm pretty sure I can do it for at least two more."

Jaehyun scoffs, laughing at your statement. "You know what? I'm going to get back at you from now on. I've been so lenient."

You snort before pressing the back of your fingers to your nose. "You? You're going to get back at me? You’re good at lip service, Jaehyun."

“Huh. You might be right about that.”

There's a beat of silence and you look at him expectantly. In the next beat of your heart (or lack thereof), he cups your cheeks and presses his lips to yours, surprising the life out of you as your back hits the wall. It's not just a touch either, his mouth moves over yours and when your knees feel weak, you reluctantly admit that the rumour about Jung Yoonoh being a good kisser is true. Maybe his body count isn't a lower-end single digit after all.

He pulls apart with a short smile tugging at his lips. "Satisfied?"

You sputter out a response before clearing your throat. “I- I don’t think anyone really saw us in this corner.”

Jaehyun makes a low humming sound. “Or you could just say you want me to kiss you again? I know I’m a good kisser.”

“Fuck off.” You punch his chest, eliciting a quiet grunt from him.

You move away from him, peeking from behind the wall. Oh, she saw it alright. The giggling gives it away and the fact that a few more younger cousins have gathered. This is ridiculous. The fact that you wouldn’t mind more is even worse.

You turn back to Jaehyun with steel-set eyes. “No more kissing. Ever. Never again. Kissing is officially banned.”

Jaehyun looks perplexed. “I thought that was a good kiss. Did you not enjoy it? What do you mean no kissing?”

“And I take it back.” The heat on your face is still burning steadily. 

“Oh, I see. You liked it so much that you’re embarrassed.”

“You’re such a pain in the ass.”

“So I’m right?”

You roll your eyes and quickly walk down the stairs, a few words of complaint left hanging in the air as Jaehyun follows behind, stumbling over the steps.

Jaehyun likes how comfortable this is. He doesn’t mind glaring daggers at each other but this is fun too. It’s like he doesn’t have to be careful about the lines he might be crossing—there aren’t any damn lines at all. He can’t call it love, at least not by definition, but something is there. Something that is solid enough and heavy enough. Something he would be ready to hold on to.

You laugh at a joke Jaehyun’s dad makes. A family is the only place to feel at home. It might not be yours but maybe at the end of the night, you can convince them to disown Jaehyun and adopt you as their child instead. His cousins seem to be interested in the same things you were as a high schooler and it surprised you. Your job lets you advise the older cousins in a fairly friendly fashion. The little ones seem to like your dress and you find them far too adorable with their pink cheeks and dimples, much like Jaehyun’s. Speaking of which, he definitely got them from his dad. You look around and wonder how Jaehyun has so many female cousins and not an inkling about how women work. 

It doesn’t hurt anymore that Dongmin discarded you so recklessly.

He’s wrong. Jaehyun’s wrong. It doesn’t hurt—didn’t hurt right now at the very least. When Jaehyun kissed you, you didn’t think of Dongmin or his girlfriend or anyone else. You thought that Jaehyun’s skin is somehow always the right temperature. 

You shake your head. Jaehyun drives your getaway car and you shouldn’t get too comfortable in its worn-out leather seats. This shouldn’t be any different to you; you aren’t supposed to find love in every corner. This was all a survival instinct. 

The more stories Jaehyun’s mother shares with you over dinner, the more you find it comfortable to be here. You don’t feel this welcome in your own apartment (although, there isn’t exactly anyone else living there but you and the goddamn pigeon that wakes you up at six in the morning). The more the night progresses, the more you want to believe in this lie. Jaehyun glances at you from time to time, his gaze neither uncomfortable nor harsh and you smile at him when he does. Right now, there is no loneliness and the air is warm and smells of freshly cooked food; the way familial love works is such a mystery. You feel content.

“Why are we doing this again?” you lean in and ask Jaehyun, eyes focused on the TV as he tries to fix it.

“Because I need to get out of work, and fulfilled soulmates get a day off on Valentine’s day.”

You nod. “Your apartment kind of stinks. I feel sorry for Sicheng.”

“This is clean,” he defends, pointing at the lack of any visible mess in his room. His work table, however, has too many items scattered over it to be called neat. There’s a fairly large TV attached to the wall and you’re a little jealous about it. You only ever watch shows on your (quite beloved albeit small) laptop. The blinds aren’t fully closed, the evening city lights trying their best to pry their pervasive fingers in and add something more to the peach hue of Jaehyun’s room.

The doorbell rings just in estimated time for food delivery, a sigh leaving your mouth along with a ‘finally’. His place is strangely comfortable and much less of the war zone that you expected. There’s no reason to feel awkward, really, or even the bubbling in your stomach. You’re not seventeen, in your crush’s house. Jaehyun isn’t even someone you like that way.

It’s just two friends hanging out and watching a movie and doing other friendly activities. Two friends hanging out on Valentine's day. Two friends who have kissed more than once.

What do lovers do anyway?

This thing with Jaehyun has turned into clandestine smiles at the office building, subtle texts of ‘did you eat?’ and ‘good morning, idiot’, racing hearts at brushing hands on the occasional off-work hangouts (you refuse to call them “dates”) and overall, a lot more pink hearts floating over his head when you see him. It’s positively appalling. 

You don’t mind it one bit.

“Happy Valentine’s Day!” The delivery man wishes as he leaves and you feel a sudden rage bubble up in you. 

“Ah, does he think every couple celebrates Valentine’s day? And just because we’re in the same apartment means we’re a couple? Wow.” You cross your arms, scoffing. “Who’s he to wish me?”

“Why… Why are you getting mad?” Jaehyun asks quietly, slightly confused.

You glare at him, your anger not quite dissipated and walk back into his room, placing the box of confectionaries on the bedside table with a loud thud. Jaehyun follows, placing the drinks rather clumsily beside it. He gives you one last look of concern before settling down on his bed.

You let out another huff of complaint.

"Does everything have to be heart-shaped?"

You stare at the nauseating display of baked goods delivered in a pretty heart-shaped box. The brownie is in a clear plastic box that has a tiny bouquet of hearts atop it, the coffee cups have heart stickers around the rim, and the pastry itself is heart-shaped or rather, two halves of a heart. One of them is strawberry pink and the other chocolate brown.

“You seem… suddenly fired up,” Jaehyun comments quietly.

You don’t really care if you look crazy to him right now; he’s already seen the worse parts of you. You’re just so annoyed at all this red and pink that was delivered. Aren’t cafes supposed to stick with that beige-cream palette? 

While you contemplate, Jaehyun tears the little sugar packet and attempts to open the lid of the cup at the same time, your blood pressure rising at the sight because you were half sure he’d spill the drink. After much difficulty, he shakes the packet trying to get just enough sugar but of course, like the clumsy oaf he is, he misses almost entirely, spilling sugar over his coffee table. It’s oddly endearing but that’s a thought you’ll keep to yourself.

He turns to you with a sheepish grin and you give him a look of distaste.

“You are a sorry excuse of a person, Jaehyun.”

“Look me in the eye and tell me you wouldn’t mess this up.”

You turn to look him in the eyes, the honey shade alluring under warm apartment lights. They really are pretty. 

“I, and every other sane human being, would not mess up adding sugar to a cup of coffee.”

“You faltered for a moment there.”

That was not the reason you faltered. You roll your eyes and look away, taking a sip of your drink and sighing at the taste.

“How do you even like Americanos? Don’t you like a bit of cream and sweetness?”

 “I don’t really care for bitterness,” he answers.

“Wow, you must be a masochist.”

“And it’s quite obvious you’re a sadist.”

You snicker. “That makes us quite the pair.”

“I would like that sentence in a non-BDSM context, thank you.”

Jaehyun turns on the TV and the Netflix logo animation pops up. You raise an eyebrow at his ‘Continue Watching’ list, eyeing Bridegerton and Sweet Home, and wondering if he could be any more of an enigma. You can’t possibly figure him out at this point. You groan when he picks a title.

“Ugh. Do we have to watch a romantic comedy?”

“What? They’re funny. And I thought you liked those 2000’s movies.”

You believed in unicorns and sock goblins and love back then too. These days, you hate to see other people in love, especially when it’s fake. The movies you loved are now the movies you hate. The couples you eyed with delight at parks and cafes are now the bane of your existence. In fact, you’d go as far as to say that you enjoy the digital fireworks from a couple having a massive online breakup. Things falling apart are entertaining when it’s not happening to you.

You purse your lips. Can't you see other people happy without wanting to tear it down for yourself?

“Fine. But I’ll pick the 2000’s romcom.”

Jaehyun shrugs and hands over the remote. You see Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds on the poster and click on it immediately. The Proposal has a good enough comedy to romance ratio, in your opinion.

“I’m kind of surprised you came,” he says quietly.

“Why?” You raise an eyebrow. “Is it because of the suggestive nature of visiting someone’s apartment on Valentine’s day? Did you think we’d be doing something… more fun?”

You lean in and bat your eyelashes suggestively, although you’re clearly joking.

“I think you should know better than to get mouthy with me,” he answers as he leans in further, making your heartbeat hike at the proximity. Maybe he’s figured you out. Wouldn’t it be so nice to figure each other out at the same time—like puzzle pieces fitting together?

You move away from him. “Well, it’s not like I can go anywhere else. And I didn’t want to stay in my own apartment.”

“Maybe you enjoy my company?”

“Look, I would be sipping my coffee at a perfectly aesthetic cafe if it weren’t Valentine’s day.”

He raises an eyebrow at your nonsensical declaration and you sigh, trying to explain yourself.

“Cafes just terrorize the single folk on Valentine’s day. You should always go with Netflix,” you say.

“And chill?”

“Do you even know what that means?”

“As I’ve told you so many times, I am not stupid.”

You inhale, an idea presenting itself.  

“Hey, since we’re technically a couple, shouldn’t you be sharing your Netflix password with me?” you ask, pressing your lips into your cutest smile.

“No.”

“You’re so stingy,” you mutter. It was worth a shot.

Jaehyun laughs, your hand reaching out to poke his dimples but you stop yourself. You weren’t supposed to get this comfortable. This wasn’t your place to be. Lost in thought, the moving screen leaves you unfazed and you can’t look at him anymore. However, Jaehyun reaches out right then and wipes at the space beside your lips, your focus lifting from the beginning scenes of The Proposal and latching onto Jaehyun’s lips.

There’s a pause, your head clearing itself of thoughts when you make eye contact with him. Soft hair, doe eyes, full lips and dimples—he’s so damn attractive, it hurts your existence. Does he have to be this close to you? You have mixed feelings about that look in his eyes.

“Can I kiss you?” he whispers suddenly.

“Yes,” you answer.

If you look from a rational point of view, you should not have said that. You should have said anything but that. But you don’t want to think right now. Jaehyun’s touch is warm over your skin as his hand rests under your jaw and the other on your waist.

You should not have said that. But you feel loved.

Somewhere along, you find yourself parting only to kiss again, the feeling of skin so delightful in a way you’ve never experienced. Your shirt hikes up and you see Jaehyun eye the little heart with the arrow—the sign you so despised with a gentle smile.

“It’s pretty,” he whispers.

It’s pretty but it isn’t his. He doesn’t have to look at you like that—he’s come a long way from nervous glances and now he’s the one making you nervous. Just say it isn’t love and it will be alright.

You part, sobering up for a moment and you disentangle your limbs to sit at the side of his bed.

“What’s- What’s wrong?” Jaehyun whispers.

You exhale.

“All my life, I wait and when it comes, it’s all wrong,” you say, staring at your lap. Self-pity is the most disgusting kind of pity to feel. You’re past crying at things like this. You’re past crying for an ounce of romance, every time you listen to a love song on the radio or look at an Instagram post of a couple or pass by lovers on the sidewalk content with each other. You don’t even have cats to return home to. Modern loneliness is wearing you down but you can’t believe in fairytales anymore.

He scoffs, smiling bitterly. “I don’t even know if this is worth losing my dignity over.”

“Jaehyun—”

“We can’t pretend anymore—I can’t pretend anymore,” Jaehyun exhales. “I want you enough to forget the system. Give me an answer. Please.”

You don’t mind forgetting the system right now. Jaehyun’s lips are always the right temperature; the warmth of his body seeps through his shirt as you press yourself to him in a hug. He’s perfect and right now, you want to believe he’s perfect for you—even if he isn’t, you want to believe it into existence.

You cup Jaehyun’s cheeks, unsaid emotion in his doe eyes, and kiss him. This time, you mean it with every ounce of your being. There’s no more flustering each other, just the hot flush of intimacy when you feel skin that doesn’t burn you. It’s just the right feeling. There’s no way this can be wrong. 

Aren’t you getting ahead of yourself? You wish the voice would pipe down. It’s a coward, fearing fate just as everyone else does. But you are better than that, and this feeling is too enjoyable to let go. You don’t want this to fade.

Just then, Dongmin’s face comes to mind and you think that maybe if you kiss someone else with all you have, you don’t have to think of your shortcomings ever again.

Jaehyun pulls apart and you miss the warmth.

“You’re not… You’re not thinking of me, are you?” he asks. 

You don’t answer, even if the silence is overwhelming.

“I’d rather not have you close your eyes and think of someone else when I’m in front of you.”

“I’m sorry” is all you can say.

“You can at least pretend to love me.” His voice is a hoarse whisper. “Could. It’s not like this was ever supposed to work out.”

You gulp, looking away. “Jaehyun, come on. That’s not like you. We were- we were just… having fun.”

He takes a deep breath. “It hurts to not be wanted by someone you want. You know that. So why are you doing this to me?”

Because misery likes company.

“I’m sorry.”

It seems the phrase you barely uttered when you were younger is tumbling out of your lips in a mixture of grief and pity. Perhaps it’s karma. Perhaps it’s fate. Perhaps it’s just the consequences of your mistakes.

Jaehyun parts his lips, a sigh departing. He leans in again, pushing away all of his thoughts. A little more hurt won't kill him tonight. How and when did you bring him down to his knees?

However, he's stopped by your hands against his shoulders, his lips hovering over yours.

"Let's stop," you say. "You're right."

"Isn't this what you wanted?"

“I don’t- I don’t know. I don’t know anymore.”

You wish you could be brave enough to burn the instruction pamphlet from destiny. But right now, you need to get away from Jaehyun, away from any more misery business.

“I’ll get going,” you say, gathering your stuff. 

Jaehyun hesitates but doesn’t stop you. He would never stop you, can’t stop so how could he even dream of stopping fate? This can never work out. It felt right in the moment but you don’t know anything more than that. You can’t close your eyes and pray everything disappears. No one else will solve your problems for you, you know that.

It’s time you start fixing the mess you made. You leave with a polite goodbye and hear a loud sigh behind you once the door is closed. Blinking away the urge to walk back in, you take long and quick strides to the elevator. You’re going to fix this.

Maybe if Lady Gaga’s ‘Poker Face’ wasn’t blasting at full volume at this stupid office party, you could be thinking a little straighter.

He was right. You can’t pretend anymore. There were thousands of ways this could have gone better. You didn’t have to pretend to be soulmates when you’re not. You could’ve discarded your belief in the whole system like Dongmin and Mijoo and dated someone out of spite. You didn’t have to drag Jaehyun into your sorry mess. You need to take out the nail you hammered into your own foot.

It’s the first time you’ve visited the rooftop restaurant from the company’s subsidiary chain of high-end restaurants but you imagined it would be bigger. It’s the news’ fault for making this place seem like a football field. However, you might be feeling that way because the distance between you and Jaehyun is suffocatingly small as is the distance with Dongmin. You don’t need to see Jaehyun tonight.

You don’t intend to make your confession a public affair and you certainly don’t believe in tack things like atonement. However, improvement begins with a step in the right direction. Maybe you’ll be a better person after this. Maybe you’ll still be as annoying and pushy as ever. You need to get it off your chest so you can proceed with the already tedious journey that comes with a soulmate rejection. You wonder why there’s so many man-made laws about soulmates when fate has made it complicated enough as it is. Love is the same as legalese when it comes to this system.

You flit about the crowds, smiling and greeting people and swerving away from Jaehyun every time he tries to approach you. You’re trying to make a good decision for once. He better not intrude. You’re wearing pink too, for the first time in a while: a satin shirt, pants and blazer set in dull pink.

“Dongmin,” you say, pulling him by the sleeve of his blue tux, and away from the rest of the HR team. “I have to show you something.”

“Hm? Show me?” He blinks at you. 

You get him to follow you to the inside the premises, stopping when you’re far into a 

“Uh?” Dongmin looks around before leaning in to whisper. “You’re not plotting to murder me, are you?”

You blink, and he laughs at you incredulously. “Why are you so serious?”

“I was lying,” you rush. “With Jaehyun. He’s not my soulmate. You are.”

Dongmin blinks in confusion. “Are… you joking? That was a weird joke but it could pass as funny—”

“Dongmin.”

You pull out your shirt from your pants, exposing the tattoo on your hip. It’s the little arrowed heart that has been plaguing you for years but now when you look at it, you feel no animosity. After all, it’s been through the same things you have. 

Dongmin’s face falls into stunned silence, eyes fixated on your waist.

“That’s- That’s my—what is this?”

Russian roulette is certainly not the same without a gun.

“I lied, Dongmin,” you answer, fixing your shirt back in. “I was so afraid of your rejection that I made an even larger fool of myself.”

His initial shock seems to have partly subsided.

“You… Why didn’t you tell me?” He looks momentarily hurt.

“You have Mijoo, Dongmin. I can’t ruin something like that.”

A love that doesn’t need fate to fix it.

Dongmin glances away in guilt and sighs, though the sound is croaky. This must be more than what he can take.

“I’m sorry,” he says, haltingly. “I hurt you, didn’t I? When I thought I was being brave, I hurt you instead.”

You smile bitterly. “We all hurt someone, Dongmin. I still have to fix that one for myself.”

He scans your face, lips trembling slightly as unspoken words die on them.

“We’ll tend to the legal stuff later, hm? No compensation. We can file a mutual rejection.”

“But—”

“Shh. I’m happy enough as coworkers and I get paid more than enough for this job. Might get a promotion soon too.”

You wink at him with an added finger gun, trying to play it cool. Despite everything, a weight feels lifted from your shoulders. Now that you are truly alone, you might as well embrace this growing loneliness crawling under your skin. Discomfort could be something you can get used to. 

When you get back to the warmly lit rooftop, the HR team looks at you curiously. You have the most self-destructive thought you’ve had in a while and tell yourself, you might as well if you've come this far. This is it. This is your social death. Honesty is the best policy, unfortunately.

“Dongmin and I have the same soulmate mark,” you announce. “We’re soulmates but we’ll sign a mutual rejection.”

Doyoung looks almost like he’ll faint and Soojin’s mouth is so wide open, you could practice throwing some mini basketballs in. This is your team—almost a second family, and it’s time you stop trying to hide yourself or disguise your feelings as something they’re not. They’ll get over it, as will you.

“J-Jaehyun?” Soojin looks to your side and you turn to find Jaehyun frowning.

“You could’ve discussed this with me,” he says, an odd sound of relief in his laugh. 

It hurts to look at him but you muster up your strength.

“I’m sorry,” you say, facing him. “I didn’t want to drag you into this hell with me.”

Into this loveless hell made for you.

“(name).”

It’s so painfully quiet in this corner; there are so many eyes on you and only the hurt taking shape in Jaehyun’s eyes knock some sense into you. 

“I’ll leave first,” you say, bowing as you take your leave.

You brisk up your pace and exit the venue as quickly as you can and into the building corridor.

Unfortunately for you, you recognize the pair of footsteps that follow you—both of them having their timings wrong. Boys don’t chase after the girl when she’s walking away. Boys should leave a girl alone when she feels like she’s about to cry.

You turn to face two men and groan internally. This is the worst possible situation—you’d rather crawl into a hole than look at either of them. The corporate light shines harshly on either of their faces but the look on them is so earnest, you want to close your eyes and scream. You don’t mind being alone. You were overstepping when you wished you weren’t.

“(name),” Dongmin starts. “I’m sorry it turned out this way. If you’d told me, we could have talked this out.”

A light scoff leaves Jaehyun and Dongmin purses his lips. It’s kind of funny watching both of their tall frames in hesitant postures and you cross your arms. You’re going to deal with this quickly like you always should have. If you’re dealing with fate, you need to have a clear head—and fortune doesn’t favour fools. Being with Jaehyun was nice but he is not yours. Dongmin may have been assigned to you but you’d rather not ruin someone’s relationship.

“What would we have talked about?” you ask. “Compensation charges? Apologies?”

You see a hint of positivity on Jaehyun’s face and turn to face him, frowning.

“And you. Don’t look so smug. You’re the reason I realized this crap. It hurts. Like hell.”

He opens his mouth but no words come when he’s far too taken aback. He can’t offer consolation now, not after everything. You knew this would happen. You would undoubtedly end up wishing you didn’t fall in love with him on the day you leave.

“(name). Listen to me,” Dongmin calls again, voice gentle.

Jaehyun sighs. “We’re both fucking this up, dude.”

Dongmin takes a sharp breath.

“You know, soulmates can be platonic,” he reasons, looking only at you. “People are made for each other differently and maybe you and I—”

“You’re just making her feel worse,” Jaehyun cuts him off.

“How do you know that?” Dongmin asks, finally turning to him. “Because you’ve spent a month or two with her? I’m her soulmate.”

“I think a month or two is much better than a stranger with the same damn birthmark.”

“Oh come on,” Dongmin scoffs. “The system exists for a reason.”

“I don’t give a shit about the system. The same as your girlfriend—oh, sorry, did you forget about her already?”

“It’s not like that.” Dongmin quietens. “We’ll figure something out.”

You pinch the bridge of your nose. They’re worse than you are—honestly, you don’t know what you expected from the timid emotional maturity of men. Both of their polite facades have melted and you’re starting to miss their sweet-tempered work demeanour.

“Come with me,” Dongmin tells you.

He wraps his hand around your wrist and tugs, Jaehyun visibly tensing up at the gesture. He presses his tongue against his cheek in annoyance but refrains from doing anything rash. You feel sorry when you look at him.

“Dongmin,” you whisper. “Can we- can we have a moment?”

Dongmin nods in understanding and exits the hallway to cool off with a few splashes of water in the washroom.

“Would you go with him?” Jaehyun asks, jaw clenched. “An acquaintance as most? Are you willing to run into the arms of fate that you hated so much?”

He looks bitter and you can’t think of a sugar-coated response. You’ll just have to tell him how you feel.

“I need to sort things out, Jaehyun. This—”

You point from him to yourself.

“Couldn’t work out thanks to fate. Dongmin and I will never work out because he’s braver than I am. You know he’s doing all of that just so I don’t get hurt, right? He’s not suddenly in love with me.”

Jaehyun purses his lips, looking down to his feet. Is it so bad that he let jealousy get the best of his mouth? Envy isn’t so awful. He looks from your eyes to lips and wishes he were young enough to believe in fairytales.

“You don’t have to be brave,” he whispers. “You don’t have to be so brave to fall in love. You don’t have to be brave to stay with me.”

“We tried, Jaehyun. And we can’t cheat fate. That, at the very least, requires bravery.” 

You press your lips into a thin line. It hurts. It hurts so bad to look at him and face the consequences of this flawed design. It’s unfair. It’s unfair that you have to follow the rules even after trying your best to break them. 

“You wish you never met me, don’t you?” you whisper. “I made a mess.”

Before he responds, you bow in a short goodbye and walk towards the elevator. There’s no footsteps behind you, no Prince Charming. It’s just you and your high heels clacking against the cold marble as you head back to an empty home. You always thought freedom would feel different, that distance would give you perspective. It just feels awful when no one is around you at all. When you have no one to pick up morning calls from, receive texts from asking if you ate, spend time in peace without uttering a single word—are you free or are you lonely?

The rules state that the two of you are different. It is true. You are as different as love in real life and love in the movies; and neither of them have happy endings now.

You wish you drank some more last night if you were going to embarrass yourself like that. Thankfully, it’s the weekend and you have two more days to figure out how to face your coworkers. You frown when you think of Jaehyun. Were you wrong to tell him that you simply couldn’t choose him? What if fate is right and it falls apart? You stir your morning coffee, the will to drink it fading slowly. It’s already fallen apart—and it wasn’t fate who did that, it was you. Should you have taken his stupidly warm hands and asked him to follow you? You don’t understand how it works at all.

Centuries of questioning what love is, poking and prodding at it like a lab sample, and there’s still no perfect answer. Love is blind. Love is cruel. Love is a fever. Love is temporary insanity. Love is acceptance. Love will set you free. There’s just too many variations. You can never tell if fate is meant to make it easier or worse. 

No one questions you at the office and you're not sure if you’re glad or aggravated. Only Doyoung shoots you a pitiful look which you brush off and immediately get into work. Embarrassment is only real if you acknowledge it. However, every time Dongmin tries to talk to you, you ask for space and even alone in your thoughts, you don’t get it. They just have to drift to Jaehyun.

You wonder if what he said was true, that he wanted you enough to forget the system. It’s clearly ruined now. The spiral of thinking has you zoning out during work more often than not and even Doyoung ends up reprimanding you for your lack of focus. Sometimes you want to snap but other times, you’re just hopelessly reciting the events over and over in your head. This was supposed to happen, wasn’t it? You don’t even have the strength left in you to blame it all on Jaehyun.

You pace in the corridors after work, contemplating popping by the Marketing Department. What could go wrong? Sure, it was a little dramatic of you to leave like that but everything can be fixed, right? You groan. What you were supposed to be fixing, you made worse. Are your hands cursed or something? You shake your head, returning to your desk to gather your belongings and head home.

Unfortunately, the sight of Doyoung sitting in your chair alarms you and you stop a foot away. 

“If you’re going to reprimand me for watching cat videos instead of checking the employee records, I can assure you my efficiency is still top-notch.” 

“You’re—what? Never mind.” Doyoung shakes his head. “Can you give this ginseng pack to Jaehyun? I owe him.” 

Oh no. You know where this is going.

“You know I’m going to keep that for myself, right?” You make a face. “I’d rather die than face Jaehyun right now.”

Doyoung shrugs. “Who knows? Maybe he’ll be the one running to you. This is in case of an emergency.”

You give him a fake smile and Doyoung shakes his head. “Good to see you’re still great at pretending to be fine.”

You sigh. “Thanks for looking out for me, bossman.”

Doyoung blinks, hand covering his mouth when an audible gasp leaves him. “Woah. I think that’s the first time I’ve heard you thank me. But don’t call me bossman ever again.”

“Noted,” you say, taking your bag and leaving with a short goodbye. You’re lucky he lets you off work early, even if you never took it. Employees usually can’t leave until their superiors does and if you were a senior employee, you’d be giving your juniors quite the hell.

You seem to be good at concocting hellscapes. Perhaps, you should look for job openings in the underworld. One last thought of Jaehyun exits your head and you take the bus home, admiring the city you live in and the warmth of people and their relationships. You don’t feel jealous; you just bask in them for the time—be it a mother and her son or two bickering sisters or a lovely old couple. That’s how it’s meant to be, then. That’s how love works.

Jaehyun smacks his head against the sofa armrest for the fifteenth time in a row.

“Dude. You’re going to permanently ruin the fabric.” Sicheng says, eyes trained on his laptop screen.

“I should’ve said something more.” Jaehyun’s voice is so zombie-like, he thinks he should cast himself in the Train to Busan sequel as an extra.

“I’m glad I’m not you,” Sicheng mutters.

“Can you give me some sort of consolation, at least?”

“That’s not what I’m your friend for.”

Jaehyun sighs and resumes smacking the back of his head against the armrest. He really needs to figure this out. After all, he can’t really Google the solution to this.

“One thing doesn’t make sense,” Sicheng says, finally looking up from his screen. “Why do you have the same mark as (name)’s if you’re not soulmates?”

“You’re so incredibly—but adorably—stupid, Sicheng. She drew it in with a permanent marker. She kissed me too! It was sudden and weird but I didn’t mind it.

“Yikes.” Sicheng makes a face. “So… you didn’t take a shower for how long now?”

Jaehyun furrows his eyebrows. “What?”

“The ink hasn’t washed off. I heard you singing in the shower yesterday, how could you not have washed that off? Ugh. Don’t tell me you miss her.”

Jaehyun’s eyes widen as he jumps up and rushes to the washroom. Looking into the mirror, the tattoo poking out from his T-shirt resembles yours a lot more than his. The arrow is still drawn in. Jaehyun’s shoulder slumps. He doesn’t know what he was expecting. Turning the tap and letting the water flow, he wets his hand and rubs at his collarbone to remove the arrow.

Except it doesn’t budge. His skin turns painfully red from the rubbing but the ink, which usually washes off in less than five minutes has no intention of leaving. Did you use a different brand of marker the last time? When was it anyway? 

Jaehyun breathes out, firming his resolve. He needs to be with you.

Sicheng blinks in surprise as Jaehyun grabs his car keys, not even bothering to change from an all-black getup of a T-shirt and jeans like some emo teenager, and shuts the front door behind him. Not even a ‘goodbye, I’m leaving!’

Sicheng sighs. Love makes people crazy. He’s not falling into that trap when his soulmate literally doesn’t exist, the same as his soulmark. It seems the contestants in this game are full of exceptions.

You hit your head against your pillow. To visit Jaehyun or not to. You haven’t left your bed since you woke up around seven in the morning, and now it’s ten. Your bedsheets are a mess because you’ve rolled around too much on them (in despair, not with someone unfortunately).

You need the quiet sometimes to let your mind rest, to let your heart rest. You needed time. But maybe it’s been long enough and now you’re just searching for excuses to hold on to your last shred of dignity.

You lift your head up and glare at the box of ginseng on your table. Should you? You reluctantly get up, feeling a sting of pain in your back for lying in that awkward position for so long. Right when you’ve put on your slippers, the doorbell rings and you groan. How did the package you stress-ordered last night arrive so early? These deliveries are getting faster and faster.

You walk to the front door and open it thoughtlessly, freezing up at the sight. Your first reaction is to cover yourself. You’re not exactly your best-looking version at the moment. Jaehyun’s dark circles almost match yours but he’s better dressed than you are—in a black T-shirt and jeans while you’re wearing a Gudetama pajama set.

“We’re not just friends,” he blurts. “We’re not soulmates but we’re not just friends.”

“Huh? Oh my god, this is the most embarrassing I’ve looked.”

Jaehyun furrows his eyebrows in a question look. 

“That’s not important! Look—”

He pushes you inside, closing the door behind him. His hair is so disheveled and messy, he barely even looks like the same well-maintained marketing employee you know. 

Jaehyun tugs at his T-shirt, pulling down to reveal his tattoo—albeit with your marker-drawn arrow through it. He does have a pretty well-built chest, you note before chiding yourself for getting distracted.

You raise an eyebrow. “Do you, uh, need help scrubbing it off or something?”

“No.” Jaehyun lets out a huff of exasperation. “It won’t wash off. If it’s what I think it is—”

“Miracles don’t happen to people like us, Jaehyun,” you say quietly.

He gulps. “I don’t know about miracles but… I just needed an excuse to see you, I guess.”

You look up, a rose blush over Jaehyun’s bare face, and run your finger over the tattoo, sighing at the warmth of his skin. Your hand travels up to his cheek, resting atop it while you muster enough courage to look Jaehyun in his chocolate brown eyes.

You pull away. This isn’t the time. You still have an internal crisis to sort out. Are you even deserving of love? It makes much more sense if the answer is no. 

However, Jaehyun pulls you in by the waist, his right palm warm against your cheek.

“I don’t care what anyone says.” He runs his thumb over your cheek in a painfully fond manner. “You’re worth more than the price I pay for this.”

He leans in and presses his lips to yours swiftly, your head clearing of thoughts almost immediately. It feels so right, you can feel the spark, the red thread around your skin, hear the bells. This kiss was far more perfect than it was supposed to be.

You part, gasping. Jaehyun blinks at you, breathing heavily.

“Kiss me again.”

Jaehyun does as told and you might just believe in miracles this way. With his hand around your waist and in your hair, his lips over yours and the low rumbling laughter that parts the two of you—you might just believe in miracles. You might just believe that love isn't something you deserve by earning.

“I like this,” Jaehyun comments. “I like the way this is.”

You press your finger to his lips. “I think you should shut up and kiss me some more.”

Jaehyun rolls his eyes. “I know you’re sexually repressed as of now, but that’s no reason to take advantage of me.”

You scowl, punching him on the shoulder and moving away from him.

“Come back,” he complains in a quiet voice.

“I am not going to do that.” You cross your arms.

“Come on,” he mutters, inching closer as you inch away, till your back hits the couch and you tumble backwards onto it, your legs on the headrest. Jaehyun laughs at your position, leaning in to keep his hands on either side of you, a doting look over him.

“Hey, did you know if I kicked my leg up, it would hit you in the balls?”

“Please don’t do that.”

You giggle, Jaehyun’s nose rubbing against yours in a bunny kiss. 

“Is your place usually this much of a mess?” Jaehyun raises an eyebrow. 

You sigh heavily. “I was having a bad day, okay? Or… a bad weekend.”

“Do you even have food?”

You look away, crossing your arms. Jaehyun sighs and shakes his head.

“We should go grocery shopping. How do you live like this?”

You scoff. “Oh, spare me the lecture. I’ve heard enough horror stories about your room from Sicheng. You can’t hide from me by sweeping your clothes and belongings into his room.”

“Snitch,” he mutters under his breath.

You can’t help the giggle that erupts from your mouth and you immediately cover it. Jaehyun smiles at you fondly and you look away, unable to bear that gaze of his.

“It really won’t wash off, by the way,” Jaehyun states, scratching at his collarbone.

You narrow your eyes, smacking his arms away to roll off the couch. Taking his wrist, you walk into your bathroom and turn the tap on. Something’s strange. But also strangely right.

“Look, I already tried—ow! Don’t rub that hard!”

You blink in confusion, trying again despite Jaehyun looking like his soul already left him. It doesn’t work. Your marker isn’t even that permanent. At least his regenerating skin cells should get rid of that arrow. Unless the ink was deep enough to pierce all the layers, as in a soulmark.

You gasp.

“You were right!”

“I told you s—”

"That's the point, isn't it?" you say, realization dawning as your eyes widen. "To see if people will question the system at all."

Jaehyun shrugs. “Maybe.”

"Oh, all those unhappy marriages that could have been saved," you say as you exhale. 

Jaehyun chuckles lightly. "I think that the point was, people can be happy without their soulmates. It's whoever you make one out of. Or I Googled too many articles on anti-soulmate propaganda."

You smile, leaning in to press a kiss against his cheek. Watching his ears turn bright red is the cherry on top.

“Okay, fake-boyfriend-turned-real-soulmate.” You give him a cheeky smile. “Did you rethink your decision about sharing that Netflix password with me? I get the girlfriend free pass, right? Right?”

“I didn’t even share it with my mother.”

You whack his arm, him possibly used to it by now, judging from his lack of response. 

“Idiot.” You cross your arms. “We can Netflix… and chill then. God, I can’t believe I said that.”

Jaehyun breaks into a chuckle. “You’re so pushy.”

 “And you like being pushed around, nerd.”

“Who said that?”

Jaehyun wraps his arms around you, spinning you so that your back hits the door. He leans in to kiss you again and you smack your palm over his pouted lips. You laugh at his face, his eyes brimming with confusion.

“You’re in my apartment. I make the rules here. Think twice before you start a game with me, Mister.”

His shoulders droop. “Fine. Can you at least let me kiss you four times a day?”

“Five times, if you ask.”

He laughs before leaning in again. “Can I kiss you now?”

“Wasn’t it obvious?”

“You are one hell of a woman. Emphasis on hell.”

You laugh and grab his collar, pulling him in for the kiss that seals this deal.

You realize a few things in the moment: a) You don’t have to play roulette to find love, b) You don’t have to pick your poison to find love, and most importantly c) Love is right where you make something of it. Fate is still not in your good books but if it bends to you this way, you don’t mind at all. If Jaehyun kisses you like this every day, you don’t mind one bit. 

[from-a-reckless-writer]

9 Supercorp

1 new message.

The notification reads. This is odd. Nobody ever sends Kara any messages on this account, for the sole reason that it doesn't have much followers.

It was Nia's idea initially. She's told Kara to buy herself a journal. She keeps one herself, where she writes all the dreams she doesn't know how to interpret yet.

"You should write down whatever it is and let it lie there for a while you know?"

Kara thought about it, had mulled it over and over in her head. A journal is indeed a great idea. An outlet of sorts. But the thing is, a journal is too private. If Kara wrote in a journal the only person who would ever read it would be herself.

Kara didn't want that. Kara hungered for an audience. She wanted to write and put it out there, out in the world where somebody will maybe one day read it and come to her--tell her, "Me, too. Me, too."

She wanted to write and be read by people.

And so, the journal idea became the Instagram poetry account idea.

A handful of original poetry posted in between aesthetic photos.

Nia and her sister are the only two people in her life who knows about it. That's why she is genuinely shocked when she reads the notification.

By the time, she's collected enough courage to open the app.

There have been more than 10 notifications. First, was the follow, next was a series of likes and then finally the message.

Kara clicked on the profile first.

It was a bookstagram account it turns out. There was only the username display, kieran. All in lowercase. No location, no bio, no nothing. The icon was of a single, black, loopy 'K' on white parchment.

The feed was of book covers, pages, spines and some quotes here and there.

The thing that Kara noticed about it though was how sad everything looked, once she's looked at it all in one grid.

It looks beautiful but melancholy.

She opens the message.

"I don't usually do this but...I just have to tell you that, your poetry has more of an impact than you will ever know. Thank you making me feel like I'm not alone. Thank you for sharing your words."

It was signed with a single heart and a 'k'.

And that's when it hits Kara.

Kara writes out a reply.

I'm out there.

I'm out there, in the world. And somebody is reading my words. They're reading what I wrote and it made them feel something.

"Thank you for taking the time to write those kind words to me. I hope you know you've made me want to write now more than ever. Thank you."

She added a heart at the end too. Kara didn't check her phone for the rest of the day.

They didn't reply it turns out. Kara tries not to feel too disappointed at that and tries to go on with her life.

Although, two weeks later after their first interaction, Kara posts two new poems, she discovers that kieran didn't stop reading.

Kara would usually get a like or a comment of a single heart then and again, and if she's lucky they'll comment a 'Beautiful.' underneath one of Kara's longer poems.

Kara collects all those crumbs and keeps it close to her heart.

******

"had a shity day ur peom made my night. thbk you."

Kara reads the message at 7 am, it was sent at 3:36 am. It isn't till she's halfway through, that her groggy mind realizes that they must've been drunk when they sent her this.

There's a twinge of worry in her chest, so she writes.

"I'm glad I made your night. And I don't want to overstep, but I think you were drunk when you sent this. I hope you're alright today. Drink lots of water! Thank you for the kind words."

She doesn't check her phone for the rest of the day.

Kara's knee-deep in Snapper's column assignment when her phone pings.

"Don't worry, you didn't overstep. I think you're the kindest person I've ever met."

Kara can't help the feeling of concern when she reads the message. Imagine thinking an Instagram poet who you've interacted with, two times in total, is the kindest person you've ever met. Never mind the fact that she's the Instagram poet.

Kara feels intrigued by this person.

Maybe it's because they're making her feel important. Maybe it's because Kara doesn't know who they are and the mystery appeals to her. Maybe it's because with them, Kara isn't anything. She's just a poet.

Maybe it's all of those or maybe it's none of those reasons at all.

Nevertheless, Kara sees her fingers fly across the keypad before she can even realize what she's doing.

"And you, IG user kieran, I think are the most interesting person I've ever met : )"

She puts her phone facedown on her desk.

Kara stands up from her station, walks around, pokes her head into Snapper's office, asks if he needs anything, gets yelled at, bothers Nia, walks around the entire bullpen, refills her tumbler, sits back down on her desk.

1 new message.

Kara lunges for her phone.

"Interesting huh?"

Just that. Just that and nothing else, yet it makes Kara feel like she's being observed, judged, weighed.

"Your feed is beautiful, your books. What I wouldn't give to get a peek in that beautiful mind of yours."

Kara exits the app, her thumb gliding through the screen so fast, it's a miracle it didn't break under the pressure.

She stands up from her desk and does a whole 'nother round.

1 new message

Kara takes a deep breath before opening the message. She doesn't even know why she's nervous.

"my mind is a lot of things, but i doubt beautiful is one of them."

What does she mean by that? Well, Kara guesses, everyone's brain is a mess right? She's pretty certain she's fucked up herself in more ways than she even knows.

So that's what she says.

"Everybody's a mess i think. Doesn't mean they're not beautiful."

Kara waits and waits and waits.

The reply doesn't come.

*******

Life goes on, her IG account gains more followers, her poems get stacked upon each other each week.

She always notices which ones kieran likes though.

They never message each other again.

******

And then, that one fateful day comes—Kara falls in love.

She meets Lena and Kara falls.

Hard.

Lena catches her and together they write what Kara thinks, is the most beautiful love story in existence.

Lena's her soul mate, her best friend, her one true love.

Her poems become lighter, happier.

She's so caught up with living in the real world with Lena, that sometimes she doesn't even have the time to write poems anymore.

Why would she? When she's living a brand new love poem each day she wakes up to Lena by her side.

One night, Kara is putting on her pajamas, and Lena is taking a picture of some book in their bed, her hair in a bun, big nerdy glasses perched on her nose.

Kara is in the middle of climbing into bed when Lena asks her, "Hey, have you ever read poetry and felt like it was speaking to you directly. As if the poet wrote it with you in mind??"

Quietly, Kara answers, "Yeah."

Immediately, Kara's head travels through all the snippets of conversations she's had with kieran.

All her IG posts, the one account, the one thing that Lena does not know about.

"Why?" Kara follows-up.

Lena's sat, leaning into the pillows, her phone in her hand.

"There's this- you know what? Why don't I just show you? You'll get what I mean, when you read it."

Lena shows Kara her phone screen and Kara freezes.

There on the screen, is her Instagram poetry account. @kz_elwrites.

Her entire collection of verse all lit up in Lena's phone.

"I-" Kara doesn't know what to say. And Lena notices, of course, she would.

Lena always notices. ,

"Kara?" She asks. "Is there something wrong?"

"I wrote that." Kara lets the words hang in between them.

She meets Lena's eyes, reads the shock there.

Kara grabs her phone from the nightstand and opens her IG app--shows it wordlessly to Lena.

Lena takes the phone gently from her hands, flicks up and down for a couple of minutes.

Kara feels like something important is going to happen. Everything feels to quiet. Lena is too quiet.

Lena hands Kara her phone back, still not speaking.

And then, Lena turns back to her phone, swipes a couple of times.

"Come here," Lena whispers. "Take a look."

Kara's eyes land on the screen.

kieran.

"You're-"

"I am."

prompt list here

[tarosin]

the great adventures of y/n, tommy, wilbur and phil

requested: yes/no

an: part 7 of the great adventures series - a rollercoaster of emotions

warnings: cursing, jokes about death (like the vlog) , didn’t proof read as its 6am sorry for any mistakes

it had been around a week since you last spoke to tubbo, the pair of you got into a heated argument and honestly you didn’t want to be anywhere near the boy. no one heard from you since you and tubbo blocked each other, ranboo would talk to you about how you need to forgive and forget and Tommy would do the same to tubbo eventually you unblocked each other however apart from that it was pretty much useless neither of you were willing to talk to the other person, it was just one of those things that needed time, soon enough you’d be friends again. at least you hoped that would be the case. later that day Wilbur sent you a message asking what time he should pick you up tomorrow not wanting to argue you let him know a time and went off to get ready for the night.

The car ride to Alton towers was pretty quiet the majority of the ride was spent playing random car games like eye spy or singing along to the radio as there was no traffic you got there rather quickly giving you longer in the park. you loved theme parks and Tommy knew this so he took the opportunity to invite you and get you out of the house, he also knew he would need the support. Phil began recording as you all made your way through the park the sky car was first so you could get to the other half of the park Tommy made it pretty clear he wasn’t the biggest fan of this and you and Wilbur didn’t help his cause by discussing the recent crash in Italy that killed a group of people, you pointed out all the rides you passed teasing Tommy whilst Wilbur interviewed him on why he wanted to hit 10 million subs, as soon as Tommy mentioned the girl from college your eyes widened and you sat trying not to laugh as Wilbur and Phil sat telling him to call her. Tommy looked at you trying to get back up but you responded by telling him you want to speak to her.

once off the sky car you stood with an arm around Tommy's shoulders as Wilbur spoke to the girl who you’re hoping is in on it and that they’re not calling up the poor girl unexpectedly. as soon as you were informed that her favourite ride was the smiler Tommy pulled you into a hug hiding his face in the crook of your neck

“Are you serious”

“you’ll be fine it’s the safest ride here...if you ignore the crash”

“y/nnnnn”

the four of you walked around the park looking for an easy rollercoaster as you make your way up to the smiler, the blade caught Wilbur's eye so the three of you made your way whilst Phil decided to stay back to record, you sat next to Tommy reassuring him that he’s going to be fine and how it can’t be that bad as a family with a young child got on the ride after you.

“if I pee myself will you laugh at me”

“yes..actually that’ll make it easier for me”

“Please don’t do that Wilbur”

“only for you y/n”

the ride started slowly however the speed soon picked up you sat laughing as Tommy went on to make references about technoblade and how he’s never going to die. soon enough the three of you began ‘singing’ the lyrics to road trip in an attempt to calm down a little bit. was it working? no. a few minutes later the ride came to an end as you made your way off of the ride you heard a child screaming about how fun it was

“awe”

“how is that six-year-old shouting I loved it”

“are we cowards”

“yes, yes you are”

you made it to Phil first and rambled on about how fun it was before Wilbur and Tommy made it to you both wanting to go home

on your journey to the next ride, Tommy pointed out claw machines and dragged you to them, Phil had a go first and didn’t win the dog Tommy wanted, you had a go determined to win however like Phil you didn’t win

“This is bullshit ill buy you a toy dog”

“Why are you never satisfied”

“Good question”

you walked away from the machines with the others Tommy complained that he was being forced to go on the rides, you pointed at the smiler and Wilbur announced you could all go on that now, the rest of the walk was pretty quiet after that. soon enough you were in the queue to go on duel, you were walking with Phil not realising that Wilbur was currently telling your best friend that he was going to die, the only reason you found out was because Tommy ran up to you asking if he was going to die

“Tommy, no who told you that... Wilbur stop laughing it’s not- it’s not funny”

“y/n you’re quite literally laughing”

you put your finger on your lips and walked off. you sat with Phil so you could have a break from Tommy screaming in your ear as soon as Tommy yelled there were guns the ride began, you weren’t the best at this ride you missed the target a few too many times than you’d like to admit, once the ride was over Tommy made the mistake of laughing about how low your score was you made eye contact with Tommy and placed your hand on his shoulder

“Tommy... you screamed at everything the entire way around. if that ride was any longer i’m afraid I’d lose my hearing”

“didn’t you also do shit Tommy”

“fuck off”

and with that you left the ride walking through the gift shop, you and Tommy were like little children picking up anything that was covered in bright colours, you and Tommy found a squishy monster and named it Clarence you ended up getting attached and Wilbur stayed with you as you paid for it whilst Phil and Tommy were leaving the shop

“Phil we lost y/n and Wilbur”

“sorry y/n got distracted”

you all continued walking to the next ride Tommy instantly got distracted by the dryer outside of the river rapids ride and spent a good few minutes asking to go into the dryer. at this point, you noticed another toy shop and ran off to that one whilst they argued with Tommy about the dryer a few minutes later you met up with them again as you began making your way to the next ride

“what I hate the most about Phil is his kindness”

“wasn’t kind enough to let me win on duel”

“I pray on his downfall”

Phil turned to you only to be met with you nodding as Tommy goes on to talk about hating his generosity

“Phil I've been thinking about you... it’s ruined my day”

“mine was ruined by Tommy screaming at stupid o clock in the morning”

“y/n it’s 12 pm”

“okay and I usually wake up at 3 pm this is early for me”

you stood in the queue for river rapids, as much as you wanted to make Tommy calm down you hated this ride and Wilbur saying there was a chance of drowning made you hate it even more

“y/n will we be fine”

“no this is horrifying I remember the incident where someone was dragged under a ride like this”

“Y/N”

“what are you two thinking about then”

“I’m thinking about the beyond”

“I’m thinking about the sweet release of death”

“you might be going there”

“no, we won’t”

you and Tommy began to panic as you got closer to the ride, Tommy announced the floor was moving which tricked your brain into believing that the floor was moving, Wilbur was still talking about you all dying in a few minutes whilst laughing at Phil trying to make him stop despite the fact he was clearly laughing. Tommy got on first as you were making your way to a seat Tommy pulled you over to him so you were sat together. a worker came over and told you all to keep your seat during the ride

“can I get off”

as soon as you finished your sentence the ride began to move making the others laugh

“ill take that as a no”

a few minutes later you forgot you were scared as you were too busy laughing about the fact that so far out of the four of you the only person getting drenched in water was Phil. this newfound confidence didn't last long the ride began going faster and you and Tommy got drenched in water

“We made it through the second most dangerous part”

“heh...”

you looked at Phil tilting your head waiting for him to confirm that Wilbur was just trying to scare you again. your thoughts were interrupted by Wilbur beginning to speak to the camera

“Alton towers is a very safe and risk-free theme park fun for all the family”

he flipped the camera so the three of you could be seen Phil was laughing Tommy had his head in his hands and you were sat with your hood over your head hiding your face so you couldn’t see what was going to happen. Phil told you to hold on but he was interrupted by Wilbur using the camera to record the four of you together again it was clear you and Tommy were not having the most fun on the ride compared to the others. the ride crashed into the small wall next to the ride causing it to jerk forward making the four of you hit your leg

“my fucking thigh”

“y/n there are children nearby”

“y/n, Tommy you two are lucky to be alive”

you and Tommy turned to face each other then looked back at Wilbur who was continuing to chant that you’re lucky to be alive clearly ignoring Phil who was telling him to stop. eventually, the ride came to an end and you all got off, Phil helped you walk around for a minute as your legs felt extremely weak after that ride

“you okay now y/n”

“yeah yeah thank you, Phil. I'm never going on that ride again”

you all made your way to the centre of the park Wilbur disappeared as you and Tommy stood begging Phil for cotton candy, your only argument being that you really wanted it

“please Phil”

“We can have a little”

“we’re growing Phil we need more than a little”

“it’s diabetes in a box”

“it’s pure joy”

“yeah it’s fun in a box let us get some”

“stop being a dick”

Wilbur came running out of a shop carrying as much cotton candy as he could shouting for you and Tommy to take some and run which you gladly did. the pair of you sat on the grass eating as much cotton candy as you could

“ITS BLUEBERRY”

“that is so sugary”

you and Tommy both grabbed a fistful of cotton candy waving it at the two adults in front of you both, resulting in Phil calling you both goblins, they both walked away leaving you two to enjoy each other’s company for a little while whilst they had a break from the pair of you screaming.

“that’s..that's Tommy and y/n”

it was almost time to face the smiler but before that, you had to conquer oblivion again this was another ride that terrified you but Tommy's reaction to the ride made you laugh for a good few minutes until you realised you were in the queue

“oh fuck. we are going to die”

“you’ll impress the girl and y/n you’ll impress tubbo”

“ill buy her flowers”

“This is a death trap” you went on first and sat a few seats away from the middle Tommy not far behind you

“if we die ill never forgive you”

“you’ll be fine”

“will we though”

“I mean”

“Tommy she was hesitant to answer that get me off this ride”

just like last time the ride started just as you finished trying to get off the ride

“y/n you really need to stop asking to get off the rides it makes them start earlier”

the way to the top of the ride was mainly just you and Tommy yelling curse words trying to stay calm

“Phil do we have to”

“Why could I not stay with Wilbur”

“awe look at the view”

“can we just stay up here- oh shit don’t look down”

“any last words”

“lovely knowing you all”

just before the ride was about to go down the drop Tommy grabbed your hand only letting go for a minute whilst you got off of the ride, as soon as you were making your way to Wilbur so you could all go on the spinball wizard ride he held your hand again keeping you close. your way to the ride was a range of Wilbur telling you all about the smiler or Tommy telling you all he was worried he was going to piss

“what the fuck is yours and Wilburs obsession with announcing you might piss on the ride”

you sat with Wilbur for this ride as he was the only person you hadn’t sat with yet and Tommy sat behind you both, you and Wilbur spent the ride screaming, yelling song lyrics or saying your goodbyes

“for lmanburg”

“Should I be worried.. you did you know create an explosion”

you spent the rest of the ride laughing before it came to an end. you all made your way to the smiler making jokes about how it’s all the girl from college wants to see him on.

“you ready Tommy”

“let’s go home”

“no”

“y/n you’re supposed to be on my team”

the four of you made your way through the gates ignoring Tommy who was yelling about it being a prison simulator, you sat at the end next to Tommy

“so this is safe”

“apart from the crashes yeah”

“y/n? is it safe?”

“it’s safe Tommy I can see you’re genuinely scared I wouldn’t lie in a time like this..maybe”

you and Wilbur agreed to become his wingmen and a few seconds later the ride began, you spent the ride laughing quietly as Tommy began confessing his love

“POGCHAMP”

“I WISH I SAT SOMEWHERE ELSE”

as soon as the ride ended you stood as a group again and called the girl from college, Wilbur practically yelled about how Tommy went on the smiler only for the girl to ask who Tommy was and how she wasn’t friends with him

“it’s okay mate”

“you okay Tommy”

you and Wilbur pulled Tommy into a hug.

a few minutes later you all made your way back to the car park as it was getting late. once in the car you handed Tommy the squishy monster you both named Clarence, Tommy screamed whilst pulling you into a hug before asking you how and when you were able to buy it. when you were halfway home you began to get a migraine Tommy pulled you into a side hug so you could rest your head on his shoulder and have a nap for the rest of the journey back home.

a few days late you received a message

tubbo: I miss you

y/n: I suppose I miss you too

tubbo: that’s good because I’m outside please let me inside

y/n: on it!!

taglist:

@l0ver0fj0y @etheriaaly @xx-smiley-xx @hawarun @c1loudee

[hwasong]

#ᴀᴛᴢ | 𝗯𝗮𝗶𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗺𝗮𝗳𝗶𝗮!𝘁𝗲𝗲𝘇 𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗼𝗳 𝗷𝗮𝗶𝗹

sᴜᴍᴍᴀʀʏ: they get caught and you have to bail them out before the police find out they’re apart of a gang

ᴀ/ɴ: gn reader, implied violence

⤷ inspired by @lovesanmotion ‘s prompt from this headcanon <3

⟣ 𝗞𝗜𝗠 𝗛𝗢𝗡𝗚𝗝𝗢𝗢𝗡𝗚

“Someone bailed you out” The guard announces as he sticks the key in the lock, scoffing as he meets Hongjoong’s eyes.

The guard continues, stopping Hongjoong in the doorway, a cocky expression crossing his face “Next time, you won’t have chance for a bail”

“There won’t be a next time” Hongjoong stares at the older guard with a belittling smile, eyes briefly meeting the mans before he’s brushing past him, shoulder bumping into the police officers as a simple sign of disrespect.

Unfortunately for Hongjoong, you don’t look as happy. No, you’re literally glaring him down with your arms crossed over your chest paired with an unreadable expression.

“Sorry to keep you waiting ba-”

“Just get in the car, Kim”

⟣ 𝗣𝗔𝗥𝗞 𝗦𝗘𝗢𝗡𝗚𝗛𝗪𝗔

Seonghwa had got caught the previous night in the middle of an exchange and was immediately ambushed with little-to-no time to escape. He was immediately put in handcuffs and had to rely on Yeosang to get the message of him being arrested to the group. Well, at least before they authorities realised who he is.

He heard some commotion, though, fellow “prisoners” in the bailing cells whistling or rattling the bars as what seemed to be a visitor walked down the halls, barely out of his line of sight.

“Alright, you’re very lucky your [pronoun]’s here to bail you out” He hears keys jangling and sure enough, you’re standing beside the taller officer with an unimpressed look on your face. You told Seonghwa not to go that night. You had a bad feeling from the second he volunteered to go but he ignored you.

“Oh. Thanks baby” Seonghwa smiles awkwardly, hand scratching the back of his neck as a sign of embarrassment or shame. A simply eyebrow raise concretes his feeling of guilt at the small movement.

“Yeah? You owe me £150”

⟣ 𝗝𝗘𝗢𝗡𝗚 𝗬𝗨𝗡𝗛𝗢

Yunho is in charge of weapon exchanges and he was unfortunately baited by the authorities. The meet-up spot had been ambushed and the receivers had tattled to the police who then sat in a stake out. Luckily, it was only a regular gun and not a military grade one. Yunho would have definitely been thrown in jail straight away and not in holding.

He heard you though, making a commotion at the front desk, presumably slamming stacks of money down on the desk until the guard let him out. It worked of course! A good bribe always does the trick.

Yunho offers you a small smile when you appear in front of him paired with the expression of a kicked puppy. For a man who had been caught exchanging weapons, he looked eerily similar to a child who had been caught doing something they weren’t supposed to do.

“You’re going to make this up to me, you know that?”

“I’m already planning it..”

⟣ 𝗞𝗔𝗡𝗚 𝗬𝗘𝗢𝗦𝗔𝗡𝗚

Yeosang stole money from an ATM. Yeosang also got caught. Did I mention Yeosang, the notorious “H3H3TM0N” or “ATZ Pretty Boy” got caught using a fake card to steal money from an ATM, as a skilled hacker? No? Well now you know.

You’re undoubtedly pissed off, already having dealt with the other members barely escaping getting caught a few days prior and having scolded the boys earlier for their behaviour. You left Yeosang without supervision for an hour and now here he is in a holding cell with his head hung low.

“Just bring me to him” You sigh, rubbing your hand against your head as a sign of frustration, trying to wear away at your stress before you muster the strength to shout at Yeosang once again.

“This is why you don’t date thugs” The officer makes an off handed comment which you scoff at, ignoring him as Wooyoung runs over to the cell to begin mocking the hacker. ( Yes you brought Wooyoung. A little moral support wouldn’t harm anyone. )

Yeosang hangs his head in shame as he quietly walks out of the holding cell, offering his hand to you and you grab it with a little more strength than necessary.

“Hongjoong and I will deal with you”

⟣ 𝗖𝗛𝗢𝗜 𝗦𝗔𝗡

You knew that Choi San’s cocky attitude would always get him in trouble, and especially one day with the authorities. His ego and extreme confidence would only lead to his demise one day. Lethal or not.

He still smiles behind the bars, pearly whites on a display frame behind a perfect grin. His eyes sparkle under the lighting too - although the yellow lights surely does no one a favour here, he makes it work.

“Wipe that smile off your face, boy” The officer scowls as he aggressively jams the key into the lock, glaring at San’s positive attitude. San continues to smile though, throwing a hand out to gesture at your very displeased being.

“How can I not when my baby is here!” He almost giggles, charging past the officer and nearly knocking him off of his feet as he jogs over to you. You’re still frowning as San throws his arms around you and nuzzles his head against your own.

“Your baby ain’t happy to see ya” The officer observes as he walks past the two of you, raising an eyebrow at your position between San’s arms.

“My darling, I’ll make this up to you~”

⟣ 𝗦𝗢𝗡𝗚 𝗠𝗜𝗡𝗚𝗜

Mingi, although extremely tall, looks harmless with his boyish smile and soft eyes. No one would expect him to be apart of anything dangerous, so when he was caught with some suspicious items on his being he was thrown into holding and they contacted his ‘guardian’. Who knew his baby face would come in handy?

“Oh? I thought that you would be older..” The man sitting at the front desk observes as you inform him why you’re at the station. You simply hum though, waiting for him to receive the BFG. (ironic - really)

He comes out with a charming smile on his face, receiving a lecture from the man who still assumed that Mingi was a teenager about to participate in antisocial behaviour.

“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure to ground him!”

⟣ 𝗝𝗨𝗡𝗚 𝗪𝗢𝗢𝗬𝗢𝗨𝗡𝗚

Wooyoung was caught due to his cockiness. Although his ego had been brought down a few pegs by yourself he still had his narcissistic moments. That was exactly why he got thrown into holding when he didn’t get caught through a crime, but when he mouthed off an on-duty officer.

The young man was only thrown in for about 10 minutes before he started causing trouble by singing obnoxiously, telling the officers working anecdotes from his days and by ratting his jewellery against the cell bars.

“Take him.” The officer practically begs you, almost throwing Wooyoung at you by the collar of his silk blouse. Wooyoung is of course himself, throwing his arms around you as he plants kisses and announces his love for you as you graciously “saved him from these evil men!”

⟣ 𝗖𝗛𝗢𝗜 𝗝𝗢𝗡𝗚𝗛𝗢

Jongho had thankfully only been caught speeding with some suspicious items on his being so he was temporarily thrown into holding while they examined his vehicle. They contacted his emergency contact and it turns out that because Jongho is Ateez’s baby, the whole squad pulled up along with you.

The officers seemed a little taken back with the eight of you crowding the front area but they still brought Jongho back out to the group who were currently teasing Jongho who was about to get scolded by not only the leader but his partner.

As the two of you settled into the back of San’s black car, you leaned over to Jongho and whispered harshly “You’re going to regret being so stupid Choi Jongho”

please give me feedback on this longer style of writing 💛

[literaila]

this vast empty space

spencer reid x reader

request: I’ve had this idea floating in my head after watching some One Tree Hill and Criminal Minds one day👀 what if the reader and Spencer have a child together but things are getting a little rocky with reader and Spence and they’re arguing so Spencer spends a lot of time at JJ’s with his child and JJ’s kids and one day the reader doesn’t let her child do something so they get mad and say they wish JJ was their mom🥺 but somehow a fluffy ending? Idk🗿 

warnings: angsty. panic attacks. me. its super duper long...um...depression symptoms...fighting....thats all.............enjoy!

“You’re taking her over to JJ’s?” 

There was this distance. 

There was an impenetrable wall. It was standing between the two of them, blocking their eyes, blocking their bodies from ever touching, from ever looking at one another. 

There was this wall. 

It was stuck between them, stuck standing there keeping them from each other, stuck living next to them, living with them, breathing in their space. 

This distance, this wall, this irritable thing standing between the two of them forcing them apart, forcing an uncomfortable feeling over their house, over their relationship, over their family. 

It was unavoidable. 

It was impossible to remove. 

“Yeah,” Spencer said, not making eye contact, not even saying the words in her direction, just tying their daughter's shoes, too focused on her to even spare a glance at Y/N. “I thought a playdate with Henry would be fun.” 

She watched small hands wrap around his neck, watched him gently pick up their daughter, still avoiding looking at her. She watched her daughter whisper in his ear, watched him smile at her. She watched her daughter's eyes light up at him. 

She watched and she felt like she was far far away from them. 

“When will you guys be back?” Y/N asked quietly, standing, vulnerable, in their doorway, standing just watching the two people she loved the most get ready to leave, getting ready to leave without her. 

Playing with her sweater, moving it over her hands as to hide herself, as to feel smaller, she stared at the floor waiting for them to walk out. 

There was this feeling, a feeling that rested around her body like a blanket, a feeling that made her feel like she wasn't supposed to be there, made her feel like she was just a spare piece, that they didn't need her. 

She didn't want them to walk out the door. 

“We’ll probably stay the night,” Spencer said, still not looking at her, he hadn't been looking at her recently, his voice was a void of numbness, his tone nonchalant, never caring. “I don't want her to stay up too late.” 

Y/N looked up and stared at his back, she stared at her daughter who was smiling at him, she felt a small grin on her face. She felt her mood lift just a little bit, felt the blanket fall just a couple of inches off her shoulder. She was lucky that her daughter couldn't feel the space between them, she was lucky her daughter hadn't caught on yet. 

She was lucky she had a happy little girl. 

Y/N made a small grunt of acknowledgement, made a quiet noise that she hoped wasn't showing her displeasure in the situation, she kept her mouth shut so they wouldn't yell at each other again. She sighed gently, already exhausted, and walked over to the pair. She walked over and got closer to Spencer than she had been in days, she could feel his body heat reflecting off of hers. 

She felt so uncomfortable. She felt so out of place in her own home.

She smiled at her daughter, smiled at the crinkles around her eyes, and the dream-like gaze she had in her eyes, and ran a gentle hand over her face, moving the curly brown hair out of Fayre’s eyes. She poked her cheek, searching for the dimples she knew would show up. 

“I’ll miss you, Fay. Be back tomorrow?” She asked, repeating the words her daughter had said to her multiple times, repeating the words that always seemed to comfort Fayre. Y/N hoped they would comfort her. 

“Be back tomorrow, Momma.” 

Y/n gave her another smile, hoping the sadness she felt wasn't showing in her eyes. She kissed Fayre’s head gently.

“Okay.” She said moving away from the two of them, trying to not let her chest fall at the thought of them leaving for the night. She looked over at Spencer, who was staring at the floor still avoiding her eyes, and she felt her smile fade from her face. “Bye Spence. I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” 

Spencer nodded. He walked over to the door and grabbed his bag. With Fayre on his shoulder he opened the door, Y/N watched Fayre wave happily at her, calling “Bye Momma!” as Spencer walked away. 

She watched Spencer not even glance back at her.

Y/N watched them leave. 

***

Weeks was a brief way to put it. 

The distance between Y/N and Spencer. 

Y/N wasn't sure when she had decided to start picking fights, to start bickering with him every moment they were together, to bicker with him until they were openly fighting with each other. 

She wasn't sure when that had started. 

She can remember the fight that it had all begun with. 

She can remember telling Spencer she was thinking about resigning from the BAU.

She can remember how surprised she was when he got mad. 

She couldn't remember anything after that. 

But there was a tension, a distinct tension between the two, that had put them both into defensive mode. The tension had made them disagree with anything the other said, and the few times they had been able to talk out their problems, those couple of times, the tension was always there the next day. 

The tension eventually turned into distance. 

And then Spencer was leaving the house for longer, he was spending more time in his office, he was sleeping at JJ’s.

He had started sleeping at JJ’s. He couldn't stand to stay with her, to sleep in the same room with her, so he went to his best friend. So he left.

Y/N usually stayed home with Fayre, usually spent their time off taking care of her daughter. 

It seemed like they couldn't even be in the same room for ten minutes without fighting. They couldn't even have a conversation about the doctor's appointment Fayre had next week without arguing about something completely useless. 

Y/N hated it.

She hated it so much. She hated that she never got the opportunity to talk to her husband. She hated that they hadn't spent time as a family, all together, in the past couple of months the fighting had been going on. She hated that when they were working when they were helping each other on a cause, she hated the distance that rested between them. 

She hated not talking to him.

She hated not seeing him smile. 

She missed cuddling with him. 

She missed absolutely everything about him. 

But she didn't know what to do. 

Should she talk to him? Apologize? Explain to him how she felt? Would that do any good, or would it just cause another fight between the two of them, another layer in the wall they were constructing? 

She didn't know what to do. 

She wasn't sure if there was anything left for the two of them. Wasn't sure if there was anything she could say without it ending in a fight. 

Spencer was sleeping at JJ’s.

So she spent time with her daughter. She basked in the love that her daughter offered her free of charge. She spent her days coloring with her, making cupcakes, and taking her to the park. She spent her days playing with old toys, watching Disney movies, and talking to Fayre about anything that was going on in her 3-year-old mind. She loved every second she got to spend happily with her little girl. 

But when Spencer wanted to see her, when Spencer wanted to be the good Dad that he always had been, when Spencer wanted to spend him with their daughter and still had to actively avoid Y/N while doing it… Those days Y/N spent alone. 

She spent those days alone cleaning their house, cleaning her daughter's room and Spencer’s office, doing laundry, and reorganizing anything she could, she spent those days going to buy more groceries and catching up on things that she had meant to do months ago. She spent those days in her house, surrounded by things that just reminded her of how much she loved her family, surrounded by things that just filled her with doubt and hopelessness. 

She spent those days alone. 

She pretended that everything was the same as it was months ago, that she and Spencer still felt desperately in love every waking moment, that their small family was as content as could be, she pretended that she didn't feel the numbness in her chest when she wasn't doing something, she pretended that it was all the same. 

And she was happy. 

She pretended for her daughter, she didn't want her daughter to grow up in a home where everyone was sad, she didn't want her daughter to learn that being happy isn't normal for most people. She pretended for Spencer too, because she knew, she had always known, that even when they were fighting, even with the distance between them keeping them so so far away, she knew that if she said a word, if she voiced her doubts, Spencer would be there in a flash. 

He would hold her and reassure her that everything was okay, he would tell her that he loved her. 

And she wasn't so sure that was true. 

She wasn't sure if Spencer still felt tied to her. If he still felt his heartburn with the adoration he had for her. She wasn't even sure if Spencer still wanted to try and change. 

But he was a good person, and he was an amazing husband, and there was nothing he wouldn't do for his family. Including lie. 

So she didn't say a word. 

She just pretended. Just pretended everything was fine. 

Everything was just fine. 

***

It had been days. 

Days since she’d seen Spencer, days since they’d both been in the same room, days since she had yelled at him, had yelled harsher and angrier than she ever thought she could be. Days since she’d talked to him. 

JJ was their saving grace. 

JJ texted Y/N, and came to pick up Fayre so Spencer could see her, JJ spent time with her husband and her daughter, JJ spent every day with Spencer and didn't tell Y/N anything about him, only gave her a small pitiful smile every time she saw her, JJ who had Spencer sleeping over at her house. 

Y/N didn't know how to feel. 

Sometimes she worried she didn't feel anything. 

She could only hear the yelling in her head, could only remember how sore her throat had been the next day, could only remember the fury in Spencer's eyes, could only remember the way he slammed the door, could only remember the words she’d said to him. 

“She’s my daughter!” 

Spencer sighed and moved past her to their dresser, he was packing more clothes, more clothes so he could leave again, so he could leave and go back to JJ’s. He still wouldn't look at her. 

“Spencer. She's my daughter and I don't want her gone every other night!” 

Y/N wasn't sure when she had started yelling, wasn't sure when she had gotten so angry. She only knew that there was a knife digging into her chest, a knife that was digging under her skin, a knife that was begging her to fight back, a knife that was fueling her rage, she was angry, she was so so angry. 

And Spencer didn't seem to care. He didn't seem to say anything to her, he only let her yell at him while he walked around the room getting all the things he thought he would need. He wouldn't look at her, and he wouldn't pay her words any mind, and it was infuriating. 

The knife only dug deeper with every ignored statement Y/N made. 

“Spencer, are you even going to look at me? Do you even care?”

And with that Spencer turned around, he turned around quickly, his entire body tense and stiff. 

Y/N felt her breath catch at the look on his face. 

He was angry. She could see that clearly in his eyes, his face looked about to break, looked ready to throw everything he had at her, the anger that looked infused into his eyes scared her, the tension in his jaw made her back away from him. 

She’d never seen him angry like that. 

“Of course I care Y/N! I can't look at you because I can't bear to see the person that thought we weren't good enough- you thought I wasn't good enough! I don't want to look at you!” 

The knife retracted at his words, pulled out of her, scared by the reaction, a reaction she had never expected. The knife- the anger -wasn't prepared for him to be mad at her, it wasn't prepared for him to get angry, to actually react to the words she’d been saying. 

Y/N was counting on the fact that he had been ignoring her. 

She took a minute to think, to take in his words, to think about everything he had said, everything that he hadn't said in the weeks they’d been distant, the knife retracted, and she thought. 

She thought she thought

And then the knife plunged back into her. 

Deeper. 

“She's my fucking daughter Spencer! I’m sorry that I’m her mom and you don't want to deal with me but nothing can change that now! You should at least have the decency to talk to me about her!” She spat the words at him, flung them like weapons, like acid that was going to burn his skin, to burn him to nothing. 

She didn't care, she didn't care about his reaction, she didn't care if he was mad at her, she didn't care what he thought, she didn't care that they were fighting, all she cared about was making him see, making him feel the way she’d felt for months. 

Like everything was her fault. 

“You can leave me all you want Spencer!” she screamed at him, her face red, her hands shaking, her entire body rocking with the force of her emotions, the knife digging, she screamed at him angrily, desperately “You can leave if you don't want to be here! But Fayre will not leave, this is her home. She wants to be here!” 

And Spencer stared at her shocked, stared at her as he had never seen her before, had never ever met her, he just looked at her like she was someone he couldn't recognize. 

Y/N didn't know what he was thinking, didn't know if his shocked face was because of her words, or because of the yelling she had always tried to keep in. She stared at him, she stared at him and suddenly felt like she was crazy like she shouldn't have even been there, she stared at him and she could feel herself shrink in size. She could feel the knife disappear, and be replaced with an empty hole that filled her. 

Spencer suddenly walked out of the room. 

Y/N took a moment, took a moment to process what had happened, took a moment to recognize the hole that was now in her body, she moved her hands to her chest as to feel for it, as to make sure it wasn't actually there. 

She couldn't feel anything. 

After that moment she stormed for the door, stormed to go find Spencer, stormed because she wasn't ready for him to give up, to just leave once again. 

She stormed out of their room and she was met with a door about to close, a tiny hand she could see through the crack. 

She stared as the door slammed, more harsh and more final than any words she had screamed. 

She stared and watched her daughter leave with her husband. 

She felt her heart rush, and her head filled with air and, 

There was a hole in her chest and she was trying to grab it, trying to find it trying to trying to, 

There was nothing there but the empty house she was stuck in. 

JJ had brought her back the next day. Had given her that sad smile, and then left. 

Y/N wondered why her husband wasn't back. 

She wondered why he wasn't coming back. 

She wondered if he would ever come back. 

So did Fayre. Every day it was the same question “Where's Daddy?” which was answered with a blank “I don't know little love. I’m sure he’ll be home soon.” and then “Be back tomorrow Momma?” which was asked after a couple of days. And the same answer was always “I don't know Fayre.”

Because Y/N had no clue. She had no idea what her husband was doing, no idea when he was coming back, no idea when he wanted to see their daughter, no idea what to do. 

She caught glances of him at work. The team had been under strict orders for only in state cases, enforced by Strauss, and so there was nowhere else she could see him. But there were moments. There were moments when he was there, but Hotch had told her he had requested to finish his work at him, had requested to stay out of the office for a while, and Hotch had agreed. He’d even looked shocked when Y/N asked if he knew where Spencer was. 

Because she was supposed to know. 

But she didn't. 

There were moments where she saw him come into the office, small moments where she only got glimpses of his hair, of one of his vests. Little moments that reassured her that he was still there, that he hadn't left completely.

She prepared herself for the news that he had resigned, news that there was somewhere else Spencer was going, prepared herself so much. She had told him to go, told him to leave her, why wouldn't he? 

She prepared herself for the inevitable news she had set herself up for. 

But it hasn't come yet. 

Instead, she had gotten news of a party, one that Rossi was throwing, a celebration for whatever reason he had proclaimed. She’d gotten the news, and she’d been told that she had to go, that there was no backing out. 

And she’d agreed. 

Besides, it would be good for her to get out of the house, to go somewhere with her friends where she wasn't constantly looking up from her desk for something. 

She’d been told to take Fayre, told that Jack and Henry and Micheal would all be there, that her little girl should go have fun with them. 

She’d agreed.

But she knew that taking Fayre would mean passing her off, would mean giving her to Spencer so that they could spend more time together. 

She’d been in a mood all morning because of it. 

It had started with breakfast, which she had burned while helping Fayre get dressed, and then it was the loud TV playing while she wasn't trying to finish up some paperwork, and then it was the headache that was burning her eyes, and then it was packing up Fayre’s things. 

She felt so overwhelmed, felt so nervous to see Spencer for the first time, felt so sad that she was going to have to go home without her daughter. 

She felt like she was doing everything wrong, felt like she couldn't even keep her family together, couldn't even keep her daughter happy for one day without Spencer. 

She felt like she shouldn’t have to do any of it without Spencer, felt so angry that he was forcing her to pass their daughter off like she was a present. 

She felt so so overwhelmed. 

But she had to keep a smile on her face, she had to let her husband be a good Dad, she had to let her daughter spend time with her favorite person in the world, and she had to be happy while she did it. Her daughter deserved a happy Mother. She deserved everything. 

She didn't deserve what was happening to her parents. 

When it was finally time to leave Y/N could feel the nerves bunch up from her feet to the tip of her head, she felt them collect together like a bunch of bugs crawling up her skin, and she felt like she was going to puke. 

She could see Spencer. She could. It was the first time in days, the first time she would ever have to directly talk to him. But she could do it. She could she could. 

She wasn't sure. 

She helped Fayre pack the last of her clothes, grabbed the couple of things she hadn't put in her bag earlier when she heard crying come from the other room. 

Immediately she prepared herself for the worst, she felt desperate to get it to stop. 

She walked into their living room and saw her daughter sitting on the floor trying to put her shoes on. Tears were running down Fayre’s face as she messed with the laces, as she tried to remember what her Dad had done for her so many times. She looked up at her Mom and whined. 

Y/N went over to her, sad to see her crying on the floor, sad to see her crying over something that she could’ve just asked for help for. 

“Daddy always do it. I don't how to.” Fayre said angry, her words coming out rushed, skipping over the words she had not yet learned how to say. She was pulling at the strings harder, and Y/N tried to move her hands away from the laces so she couldn't hurt herself. 

That was when she started yelling. 

“No! No!” she said as she hit Y/N’s hands away, as she pushed her away. 

“Fayre. It's okay, just help me, help sweetheart.” 

“No! Daddy always do it! Daddy do it! Not Momma!” she was opening yelling, the tears streaming down her red face as she threw her hands up, not sure how to express her emotions. 

“Let Momma do it once, it's okay sweetie we can do it.” 

Y/N could feel herself getting more frustrated, could feel the nerves still collecting in her body, she didn't know what to do, and she didn't feel like she could deal with a breakdown from her daughter right now. 

Not when she was inches away from having one herself. 

She tried to take a deep breath, tried to calm herself down, and remind herself that Fayre was only three, that she was confused, and she missed her dad, and that she needed to be calm with her. 

“Fayre, I’m sorry sweetie, Daddy’s not here. Let me help and we can go see him.” Y/N said calmly, kneeling in front of her daughter who was looking at her angrily. 

“No! Daddy! Not you! Don't want you!” Fayre said as she got up, her shoes still untied, as she tried to run for the door. 

Y/N could feel her anger go up. 

“Fayre Diana. Don't run away.” Y/N said sternly.

Her daughter was crying and screaming, and banging on the door desperately like she was trying to get out, she was yelling so loud, and Y/N’s head was pounding. And her daughter was upset, and she was upset and she didn't know what to do. 

What should she do what should she do? 

She felt the anger rush up into her head, flashing her eyes red, she felt herself hit her breaking point, felt everything coming to her at once, felt so done, so tired and she just wanted it to stop. 

“Fayre! Daddy isn't here! I need you to listen to me!” she yelled, moving over to her daughter who was too small to resist Y/N picking her up. Fayre kicked and tried to push her away as Y/N walked over to their couch. 

“We won't go if you don't let me help you.” She said, no longer yelling, but her voice with much more power. 

And Fayre stared at her, her eyes wide and almost sad, she stared at her and she started to cry even more. 

Y/N watched as her daughter's eyes welled up in tears, as her daughter was hyperventilating, so sad, and so little, she felt herself breaking at the sight. 

And she tried to grab her arm, trying to do anything to calm her down. 

“No! I don't want you!” Fayre screamed pushing Y/N away, pushing her away and looking at her angrily. “I want JJ! You not nice! JJ!” 

And everything stopped. 

Everything just stopped. 

Y/N could feel everything drain from her body, all her emotions all her thought all her organs, she felt it all fall away from her, felt her heart crack into so many pieces it was practically dust because 

She wasn't good enough

She wasn't enough

She wasn't 

She wasn't

I want JJ!

I want JJ!

I want 

I want

JJ

Her daughter didn't want her, and her husband didn't want her, and she didn't want her, and there was nothing there was nothing

There was so much

She felt everything collapse from within and she couldn't find the words, didn't know how to breathe, didn't know how to remove the air that was filling her body, didn't know how to breathe 

How do you breathe how do you-

She wasn't good enough. 

She wasn't good. 

She wasn't. 

She. she she. 

There was nothing left of her. 

Nothing but the ashes that were barely enough to fill her feet, let alone the hole that was left within her body, the hole that had been building up for weeks. 

There was nothing. 

Everything stopped. 

Everything just stopped. 

And she stared at her daughter, her daughter who wasn't saying anything, barely even looked like she was breathing, and she stared at her and. 

Everything started again. 

Fayre was looking at her, tears running down her cheeks, and Y/N watched as she came over and hugged her legs, she watched as Fayre listed out apologizes, watched as she looked up at her, sad by the tears running down her Moms cheeks. 

She didn't know what to do. 

She didn't she didn't. 

She ignored it. 

She ignored it. 

Nothing had happened nothing was happening, she was whole she was completely there, there was nothing wrong. 

Nothing had happened. 

They were going to be late. 

***

She stood there numb. 

Numb as she watched her daughter laugh with Spencer and JJ. 

She stood there and she felt nothing at all. 

She watched her friends dance and laugh and play games, she watched the kids run around Rossi’s yard, giggly and happy as could be. 

She watched everyone else enjoy themselves, and she couldn't feel anything. 

She didn't know what she was supposed to feel. 

Was she supposed to be sad? Sad that her daughter considered JJ a better mom than she did Y/N?

Was she supposed to be angry? Angry that Fayre had adapted to JJ’s house so much that she thought she was better?

Was she supposed to be annoyed? Or heartbroken? Was she supposed to frustratingly yell at JJ, to yell at Spencer?

Was there something she was supposed to feel? Something she was supposed to do. 

She didn't know.

All she knew was the numbness she’d been submerged in, the numbness that had taken over her body when it had fallen to pieces, fallen apart on her living room floor, the numbness that put clouds in her brain, clouds that forced her to think but not to feel.

Was there something she was supposed to be feeling?

She didn't feel anything. 

She just watched, she watched Hotch laugh with the boys, and Derek talk with Emily and Penelope pull funny faces to make Fayre laugh. She watched as JJ stood with her arms wrapped around Will, watched as Rossi grilled something and yelled out things. 

She watched all of them feel. 

She didn't dare look at Spencer. 

When she had arrived with Fayre, immediately she’d let her run to her Father, let her go hug him desperately, and had not let herself spare a glance at him. She didn't want to see him and she didn't want to think about how he had left, about how he had taken her advice, about how their daughter would be so much better off with a mom who knew what she was doing. 

She didn't want to think about all the ways she had disappointed her family. 

She didn't want to think at all. 

So she didn't look at him, didn't watch him the way she always did, didn't say a single word to him. She wouldn't allow herself that. 

She was looking down at the pavement when Derek came over to her. 

“Hey Pretty Girl,” he said, as he stood next to her, holding out a drink for her, which she took nonchalant as she looked back at the ground. 

“Hey,” she said quietly, her voice void of emotion, her body void of everything. 

“Hey, what's wrong?” he asked, moving his head down so he could get a look at her face. 

She looked up at his words, her neck snapping at the question. 

“Nothing,” she said, looking in his eyes, which were glazed with concern.

“What's going on Pretty girl? You’ve been standing here alone all night?” Derek said, putting a reassuring arm on her shoulder. 

She didn't feel a thing. 

“Nothings going on. I’m just tired,” she said, again, looking back at the ground. She was tired of thinking. 

‘Y/N.” Derek said, moving her chin so she was looking in his eyes again. “Seriously, what's wrong?” 

Y/N stayed silent, willed her body to feel nothing, to think nothing, because there was nothing wrong, there was nothing wrong. 

She looked back down. 

“Alright.” Derek sighed, taking the drink he had given her from her hand and setting it down on a nearby table. He grabbed her hand and led her away from the party, away from everything else. She wondered where they were going. 

When they finally stopped at a small garden farther into Rossi’s backyard Derek halted and turned to stare at her again. 

“What's going on with you and Spencer?” 

Y/N felt herself crack at that. Felt the numbness drain only a smidge, from her body, felt her staring at Derek urgently, felt her mind trying to run again. 

“Nothing. There's nothing.” She said quickly, her words jumbled, her heart racing. 

“You think I haven't noticed the way you two have been acting recently? He's been staring at you all night, and you haven't said a word to anyone. Something is going on. What is it?” 

She looked down, surprised by his words, emotion was filling her body but she was begging herself to just keep it out, to just not feel anything. 

She didn't want to feel anything. 

“Derek I-” and she broke. Her body was flooded with memories and thoughts and emotions, and she could feel the dam breaking in her eyes and she felt everything all at once and she just wanted it to stop. She didn't want to feel any of it. Why wouldn't it just stop?

Derek pulled her into his chest. He pulled her in tight and rubbed her back and she tried to calm herself down, as she tried to keep in all the emotions her body was begging her to let out. 

“Shh, Pretty Girl... It’ll be alright. Just breathe.” He said as she rested her cheek on her chest, as she felt her body start to panic, her mind started to buzz with the overwhelming feeling. 

What would she do? Her daughter didn't want her. Her daughter didn't want her. Her daughter had said she didn't want her and she didn't know what to do what would she do her daughter didn't didn't want her- 

“Fayre said she wanted JJ.” she cried out desperately, the words tumbling out of her like an avalanche, she could feel herself still panicking, she could feel the buzzing of her brain flow to the rest of her body. What would she do-

“What do you mean.” 

“Fayre,” she breathed, “she said that I- I was mean.” she gasped and more tears rolled down her cheeks like rocks falling “and that- she wanted JJ- not-” her body was buzzing in the panic that had contained her “not me,” she said and she cried. She cried against her friend as her family was only a short distance away, as her family had no idea how worthless, how broken she was. 

Derek just let her cry. He let her sob out different words, he looked down at her concerned, wondering when she had fallen apart. Wondered why he was the one comforting her instead of her husband, her husband who was only 100 feet away. 

The panic was still there, still shaking her heart back and forth, still buzzing loud in her brain, but she was breathing, she had gotten the words out, the terrifying words that she so desperately wanted to pretend didn't exist. 

She was starting to breathe. 

Why did she have to feel anything? 

Derek held her, held her close, held her because that was what she needed, she needed her husband but she needed something she needed someone. 

He listened as she gasped out her last sob, as her crying started to slow down. 

He moved back. He kept his hands on her shoulder as she looked up at him. 

She looked so small, her eyes bloodshot, her face pale, she looked like a little kid who had no idea what to do, she looked so small standing there with him. 

“Are you alright?” he asked as he searched her face. 

She took a shaky breath as she said “Thank you. Better now.” 

She didn't think she had the energy to say anything else. 

***

It was time to go. It was time to go back to her house, her empty house, it was time to go back to her numbness, which was empty, just like her house. 

They were quite the pair. 

It was time to say goodbye to Fayre, time to send her off with her Dad, and with JJ who didn't disappoint the two of them. 

In a way, Y/N was thankful to JJ, because she knew that JJ would take care of her family, she knew that JJ would be there for them if they needed anything. She knew that if she couldn't make them happy, at least JJ could. 

She tried to ignore the envy she felt towards JJ. She tried to ignore the anger she wanted to feel. She knew it wasn't her fault. It wasn't her fault that she didn't disappoint. 

It was Y/N’s.

At least she thought at least they have someone. 

She just wanted them to be happy. 

It was time to say goodbye, as everyone started heading towards their cars, tired and ready to go home, Fayre walked over to her mom, her smile shining bright as she led Spencer towards Y/N. 

They were walking over to Y/N together, Fayre pulling her dad along, pulling him over to her. He was coming over, he was coming over. Y/N didn't let her heart feel anything, she didn't let her eyes drift toward him. 

“Momma!” Fayre yelled excitedly, throwing herself into Y/N’s arms. 

“Hi, baby.” Y/N said quietly, looking at her beautiful daughter, staring at the one relief she had from it all. “Did you have fun?” She said softly. 

“Yeah, Momma! We did games, and Daddy did trick!” She was much too loud and excited for the late hour, but Y/N was happy to see her so full of energy, so alive. 

“Did he?” 

“Yeah! And he said do more!” she was smiling over at her dad, but Y/N didn't take her eyes off of Fayre. 

“More later?” she said quietly, her mood only slightly deflated at the thought of them leaving. 

“Yeah!” Y/N kept a smile on her face, kept her smile, but couldn't change the disappointment stuck in her eyes, she smiled at Fayre and kissed her on the cheek. 

“You go with Daddy alright? Be back tomorrow?” Y/N said, laughing a little at the words. She had given up, given up on trying to stop the tears stinging at her eyes. She was smiling at her daughter, but she felt like sobbing against her. 

Just another way to disappoint the two of them. 

“Why sad Momma?” Fayre asked, her little hand rubbing Y/N’s cheek as she wiped away the one tear she had let go. Y/N wished she wasn't as smart as she was. 

“I’m not sad little love,” She said, feeling her voice crack at the lie, at the words she’d been trying to believe were true. She sighed softly and smiled sadly at her daughter. “Just tired.” 

Fayre was still looking at her with a furrow in her brows, still staring at her confused. “Don't sad Momma.” 

Y/N laughed bitterly at the words, committing them to memory for later. 

“Alright, Fay. I won't. Be back tomorrow?” she asked once again. 

Fayre wrapped her little arms around Y/N’s neck, squeezing tight like she was trying to make everything better. “Be back tomorrow Momma.” She said as Y/N put her down and pushed her gently towards Spencer. 

Spencer, who'd she’d almost forgotten, was there. She gave herself one opportunity, one look, one look to just see him. And she looked in his eyes, she looked at his face that looked so sad, his eyes that were staring right at hers concerned. She looked at his face that looked almost regretful. 

She looked away. 

She felt her heart beat faster, reminding her of the love she was trying to keep away from him. 

She waved at Fayre one more time, blew her a kiss. 

This time she walked away first. 

She couldn't bear to see them leave again. 

***

She was up late at night when there was a knock. 

Quiet, quick, almost as if whoever was there knew she would still be up. 

She hadn't been sleeping well. She felt words swirling around her head, memories of the things she didn't want to think about popping up at random points. 

She couldn't stop her brain. 

She couldn't get numb again. 

But there was a knock. 

She looked at the safe in her closet, wondering if she should grab her gun, just in case. 

In the end, she’d decided against it. If it was someone bad would they have broken in?

She walked towards the door, turning on the lights, and unlocking it. 

She hadn't expected to see her husband standing on the other side. 

She hadn't expected to see Spencer looking at her. 

She hadn't expected to see relief in his eyes. 

She hadn't expected him to talk to her.

“You’re awake,” he said, almost in awe, almost like he wasn't sure, quiet. 

Y/N just stared at him. 

It was the first time she had looked him in the eyes without any hesitation for weeks. It was the first time she had looked into his eyes without nerves running up and down her spine, without feeling like she had to be ashamed for looking at him. 

She felt her heart beat faster. 

“Spence.” she breathed out. 

He gently grabbed her hand, gently moved her out of the way so he could get through the door, he gently let her hand go and moved to take off his shoes. 

He was taking off his shoes. 

Y/N just watched him, wondering if she was dreaming, if she was dreaming about him coming back home, wondering if this was all fake. 

She hoped she wouldn't wake up for a little bit longer. 

“Y/N.” Spencer said, turning back to her, “Can we talk?” 

It was the first time she had heard him speak to her in days, the first time she had heard her name slip from his lips. 

She left like she was floating.

She wondered why she couldn't feel anything but bliss. 

She wondered when the nerves would catch up. 

She only nodded at him, only gestured to the couch. There was too much going on for her brain to comprehend, she was surviving on only coffee and a couple of caffeine pills, she was up far too late and she didn't know what was going on. 

They both sat down on the couch, and Y/N’s heart got faster at the close proximity of the two. What was going on? 

“We have to talk about everything.” 

And then the nerves caught up. 

And then the nerves invaded her body, filling her to the core with irrational thoughts, with messages from her brain that only made her heart beat faster. 

Divorce. 

Custody.

Leaving. 

The nerves were too much too much, and her eyes were wide and all she could do was nod, just nod at him. Unconsciously she moved farther away from him, preparing herself for the distance he was going to ask for.

He was leaving he was leaving he was going to leave he was-

“I think that we should’ve talked a long time ago.” He said quietly looking down at the floor, staring intensely at something Y/N couldn't see. 

“Yeah.” Y/N said, her voice breaking from the pressure, her body ready to collapse. 

“I’m sorry I left,” Spencer said. 

And it stopped. 

Everything stopped.

He was sorry. He was sorry he left, he was sorry for doing the thing that Y/N had told him to do, doing the thing that she had asked of him, he was sorry he was sorry. 

“Why,” she asked. 

“Because I never should have left. And I never should have left for so long. It was childish and only 58% of long-distance relationships work, and I didn't even leave the city I was just gone and I- I’m not sure what I was thinking-”

“I told you to go.” 

“What?” Y/N was staring at him, staring intently. She missed the sound of his voice but she hated the words coming out of his mouth. This was all of her fault, she had told him to leave, she hadn't done anything about it. This was her fault and he shouldn't have been saying any of this. 

“I told you to leave. I said, “Go ahead and leave Spencer.” She paused and looked down at his feet. “You were only doing what I asked.” 

Silence consumed the room. Y/N still didn't know what else Spencer wanted to talk about, she still didn't know if this meant he wanted to try if he wanted to try and be with her, she didn't know if this meant they were going to get better. 

She couldn't help but think of the empty space that filled her body, she couldn't help but think about the hole in her body that was scarring, that was stuck there, almost numb, unbelievably painful. She couldn't help but think about the words she’d endured to get that hole. 

“I shouldn't have listened to you. You were right.” Spencer said, pulling out of her thoughts, pulling her out of the pain that threatened to take over her body once again. “You didn't deserve me leaving, and neither did Fayre. I should’ve stayed.” 

“Spencer you don't-” 

“And then today. Today I was looking at you, I was watching you. And you just-” he paused and shook his hands in front of his face as if he was trying to reach for the words “you looked so empty. You just- you weren't looking at anything and you were just staring- and I don't think I’ve ever seen you look like that and I didn't know what to do, and I didn't know what was going on but you looked so empty-” 

Y/N paused. Derek had said Spencer was looking at her, he had told her that right to her face, but there was a block keeping her from thinking about it. She was trying not to think about it. But Derek had been right, and Spencer had noticed he had noticed. 

He’d noticed her. 

“Y/N.,” he said, grabbing her face as he pulled her closer to him. “I’ve never seen you look so emotionless. You looked at me after Fayre said goodbye, and it was like there was nothing. There was nothing- and- It scared me. I had no idea what to do, but I could feel that I started it, I could tell it had something to do with us and-”

“Fayre caused it.” Y/N blurted out. 

“What?” Spencer looked at her shocked, his face unmoving. 

“She,” Y/N took a deep breath, not wanting to relive the memory, but wanting to keep the closeness of Spencer so bad she wouldn't stop. “She was having trouble with her shoes, and she was asking for you, and I got mad- god.” Y/N shook her head angrily, mad at her past self for getting mad at Fayre. “I never should’ve gotten mad. I was mad and she was upset and she said-” 

Something was choking her from the inside. Maybe it was the anxiety holding her throat down, maybe it was the nerves that seemed to be everywhere, maybe it was the desperation to forget everything, to pretend to be okay, maybe it was the exhaustion that rested on her eyes weighing them down, maybe it was the buzzing in her heart. 

It didn't matter what it was, it was choking her, stopping the words from escaping her mouth, stopping the words from reaching the air, stopping her from telling Spencer. 

But she fought, she fought against her instinct, fought against all her self defense mechanisms, and something finally let go. 

“She said, I was mean, and that she wanted JJ.” and she gasped. 

The words were out, out into the world, out where her husband- who she hadn't been speaking to, who she hadn't gotten any affection from in months -could finally hear them.

It felt like a shock to say them. 

It felt like a shock to have to say them again, this time to the man she loved most. 

She felt ashamed in herself, for the decisions she had made earlier, for the disappointment she was to her family, for the void that lived in her body. 

“Y/N,” Spencer said, wiping away tears she hadn't noticed escaped her eyes. “She didn't mean that.” 

And the words might have been reassuring, they might have been helpful, might have rested her self hatred, if she wasn't familiar with the person Spencer was. 

He would like just to make her happy. 

‘I think she did,” she said more tears crawling up her throat. “I think she did. Because I understand, because I’m not an amazing mother, and I’m definitely not an amazing wife, and I’ve been unfair to her, and I wish she didn't have to deal with me all the time, I think she meant it-” 

Spencer put a hand over her mouth stopping her words. He was looking at her angry, his brows furrowed in something that looked like disgust, his mouth turned down. 

“Don't ever say that.” He said harshly. 

“What?” Y/N said as she moved back, her words muffled by his hand, surprised at his sudden change in mood. 

“I don't want to ever hear, I don't want you to ever think that you aren't a perfect Mother.” He said, looking her directly in her eyes, his voice wasn't wavering and neither was his mind. “You are an amazing Mother to Fayre. She loves you.” 

When Y/N tried to interrupt Spencer just spoke over her. 

“And you are an amazing wife. You are more than I could’ve ever asked for. So, I do not want to hear another word about you not being enough. It's a lie, and I hate it.”

He stopped and Y/N was still looking at him shocked at the sudden outburst. She had thought that was why she left. She wasn't enough, because Spencer was disappointed in her. After all, she just wasn't good enough. She thought that's why he left. 

That was why he left. 

Wasn't it? 

Tears ran down her face as she stared at him frustrated. 

“Oh, Y/N.,” he said, moving his hand from her mouth and gently wiping another tear away. “I didn't mean to scare you. I just want you to believe me, baby.” 

He was so gentle, so caring, so everything she had been missing for the months they had been constantly fighting with each other. 

She sobbed against his hand. 

“Baby,” he said desperately, grabbing her by the waist and pulling her closer to him. She breathed him in, shocked by the smell she loved so much, shocked that he was so close to her, shocked at how cold she had been without him. 

She had been so cold for so long. 

She sobbed even more, shaking against his chest, gasping for breath. 

She had no idea she could miss a person that was so close to her. 

“I’m so sorry baby. I’m so sorry any of this happened,” he said, rubbing her hair and pulling her close to him. Spencer felt close to tears himself, watching his wife shake in his arms, he knew that she had been deteriorating for months, for months he knew and he hadn't done a thing. He knew that she was barely there, that another week would have burned her away, he felt ashamed that he hadn't been there sooner. 

“Spence.” she cried, tugging on his shirt and nudging her head into his chest. 

He just sat there, helping her get him closer, helping her remove the last couple of centimeters between them. 

She sobbed and she sobbed into his chest, relieved that he was here, still hoping that this wasn't a dream, that this wasn't some cruel joke the world was playing on her. 

She couldn't just let this go again. 

“Y/N,” Spencer said when she had finally caught her breath when she had stopped shaking.

She looked up at him, her eyes puffy, and pleading, at that moment she looked so vulnerable it made Spencer want to protect her from everything. He didn't want to lose the only thing holding him together. “I love you. I’m so sorry that we’ve been so far apart.” 

She moved her hands from his chest, moving them to his neck and jumping into his lap, straddling him on the couch as he hugged her back just as tight. It was a breath of fresh air to be so close together, they were each other's light in a dark room. 

They had been so far apart. 

“I’m sorry too Spencer. I’m sorry.” 

Spencer just ‘shh’’d her, just held her close to him. They were both exhausted, and it was so late, it was too late. 

It was almost too much to be close to him again. 

They stayed like that, silent and together, silent and right next to each other for a while. They let each other's body heat warm them up, let their hearts get used to the close proximity again, let everything that had happened fade between them. 

It was a while later, a while later when Y/N had felt almost repaired when she could no longer feel the burning of the hole in her body, the hole that had so desperately needed to be filled, the hole that was now barely there. It was then that she finally spoke. 

“Where's Fayre?” she asked quietly against his ear, running her hands through the hair on his neck, enjoying the grip he had on her waist, and the kisses he was leaving on her neck. 

“She’s still at JJ’s. I didn't want to wake her up, but I had to see you.” 

There was a pause and then,

“Spencer,” she whispered softly, in awe that he was there, that they were together again. 

He just kissed her some more. 

They stayed like that, connected, for just a moment longer, just another moment together, before Spencer spoke up again. 

“Y/N?” he asked, moving back only a little bit so he could look into her eyes. 

“Yes?” she asked, staring at the brown eyes she had fallen in love with, the brown eyes that always seemed to fill her with a feeling she would never know how to describe. 

“I love you,” he said softly, pecking her lips. 

When he pulled back she smiled with her eyes closed, smiled at him, smiled at the feeling in her chest, smiled at the happiness she hadn't felt in so long, she smiled and she opened her eyes just so she could look at him because he was right there, he was right in front of her. 

“I haven't seen you smile in so long,” Spencer whispered in awe, running his hand over her cheek as he stared at her. 

She only smiled wider. 

“Spencer?” she said softly, the smile stuck to her face. 

“Yes?” he asked, moving to look back up to her eyes instead of her mouth, her eyes which were shining just for him. 

“I love you,” she said. Quietly. Gently. For what felt like another first time. 

He kissed her. Harder this time.

my masterlist here

[ledenews]

The Nailers swept the weekend against Indy, winning 2-1 in a shootout on Friday before taking Saturday’s game 5-2. What went well for Wheeling in those two games? I bet it feels nice to get a couple victories over the team you went 3-6-2 against last season, including losing the first three of the season against them. For some reason, the Fuel always seem to give the Nailers fits (even though we did eliminate them from the playoffs last year in five games, so I guess we got our revenge after all). I feel like no longer being in the same division (or conference) as Indy took some of the pressure off of these games because they’re no longer four-point swing games, and Wheeling was able to get to their game a bit better. It definitely didn’t start off well, with Indy scoring the first goal of the weekend just 19 seconds into the first game, followed by a big fight between the goal scorer and Matt Quercia. The Fuel continued to push to attempt to stretch their lead, but Sergei Murashov stood tall and kept the score 1-0 after the first. The Nailers came out with a fire in their belly in the second looking to get back into it and took two quick penalties that could’ve swung the game back towards Indy, but they still couldn’t get back on the board. Finally, with just over three minutes left in the frame, Quercia blasted a one-timer into the Indy cage to tie it back up. The third period was a back-and-forth affair, but neither team could do much of anything, and the game went to extra time. The overtime was overly dominated by Wheeling, getting an 8-2 shot advantage in the frame, but it still wasn’t to be, and the game went to the skills competition. Only one player, Jack Beck of the Nailers, was able to find the net, and the Nailers skated away with the extra point. Saturday’s game was a tale of three distinct periods. The first period was carried by the Nailers, scoring three times on just 11 shots, starting just five minutes in thanks to Kyle Jackson, followed by David Jankowski and Atley Calvert late in the period to give Wheeling the definitive lead after the first. The second swung much harder back towards Indy, who had a 12-4 advantage in shots and a 2-0 advantage in goals in the frame, leading to the Nailers only having a one-goal lead going to the last 20 minutes. The third period saw the Fuel once again lead in shots in the frame 8-4, but they couldn’t find the net behind Jaxon Castor again. With just over six minutes left in regulation, Jackson once again buried one to restore the Nailer advantage to two and, with the Indy goaltender pulled late, Sam Houde put the puck in the cage to help Wheeling take all four points on the weekend and leapfrog over Norfolk, who went winless for the weekend against Toledo, for first in the North Division. The Nailers now have the only weekend all season with just one game, a Saturday tilt on the road at Fort Wayne. How can Wheeling keep their winning streak alive? I hope the guys on the team are able to appreciate this weekend. Pretty soon, they’ll be busy with three game weekends, four games in five days, and the prospect of having to join Wilkes-Barre/Scranton at a moment’s notice when needed. A season in the ECHL may seem long, playing 72 games over the course of six months (plus playoffs, if you’re lucky enough to make it), but it goes quickly once you get into the meat of it, so having a weekend with just one game is a luxury at any point in the season. As for the game, Fort Wayne comes in sitting in second place in the Central Division, only one point behind Toledo, but has played one less game than the Walleye. The Komets have played just four games at home, going 3-1 in those games, and they have the fourth best power play at home, scoring four times on 13 attempts for a 30.8% success rate. Luckily, the Nailers are one of the least penalized teams in the league this season, averaging just 8.67 minutes in penalties per game, while Fort Wayne is fourth highest in that category, averaging 18.50 minutes per game. If Wheeling can get to the power play and take advantage of it, which they have managed to do four times in 20 attempts in road games this year, the Nailers could find themselves bringing home another victory. As for individual players, Fort Wayne has two players (Kyle Mayhew and Odeen Tufto) currently within the top ten in the league in points, while Jackson leads the ECHL in power play assists. Staying out of the box could be paramount to the success of Wheeling in this game. In addition to them, rookie Brett Brochu has been between the pipes eight times this year for the Komets, going 6-1 with a 2.12 goals-against average and 0.919 save percentage. The Nailers will need to start strong and pepper him early to hopefully knock him off his game to earn the two points in this one. The Nailers haven’t lost a game in regulation since a 3-2 loss to Toledo back on November 1, a streak of seven games with at least one point. What have they been able to do over that time to maintain that streak? Any time a team is able to have a streak during a season of at least earning points in every game, it’s valuable in the long run. Last season, Wheeling had a few longer streaks of games where they earned points, including a 12-game winning streak, and every point ended up being necessary to help the Nailers ensure they stayed in playoff position. Having a chance to bank points early in the year that could come in handy later in the year like this is why every game matters during a hockey season. I know I’ve mentioned this a few times already this year, but it’s really a great sign that the Nailers are getting contributions from up and down the lineup. To this point, 15 players have contributed at least one goal, and five players on the roster are at 10 points or more. I’m also impressed by the fact that there is only one player who is a minus on the season right now, and even he is just a -1. That tells me your team is focused on defense and turning it into offense and keeping the puck away from their opponent. If the Nailers continue to play this way, I have no question they can continue to earn standings points and stay towards the top of the division standings. The Nailers pulled off an early season trade on Wednesday, sending Jared Westcott to Bloomington for future considerations. How could this shakeup affect gameday roster choices moving forward? While it feels rather early to be seeing too many roster moves occur like this, I suppose it’s not unheard of. Seeing the team trade away a younger guy who came in here late last year and provided a spark for a roster that needed it for the push for the playoffs is a bit surprising. Seeing that all they brought back was future considerations shows me just how strong management thinks this roster already is and can be. Westcott joined the Nailers last season after finishing his final season at Lake Superior State University scoring 36 points in just 38 games. He then came to Wheeling and was able to contribute another six points (four goals and two assists) in six games in the regular season, then appeared in six playoff games with one goal to his record. So far this year, he had only found his way onto the ice four times, earning two assists in those games. While it would be nice to see him continue to contribute in the black and gold, hopefully this move to the expansion Bloomington Bison gives him more playing time and a chance to show what he can do. Next Wednesday (Thanksgiving Eve), the Nailers will welcome Toledo back to town and also welcome the wrestlers of IWC Wrestling back as well. Are you excited for all of the hard-hitting action both on the ice and in the front lobby? I have to admit, in case you can’t tell, I am a wrestling fan from back in the old WWF days who fell off for a while but got back into it when AEW came onto the scene. Since then, I may not be able to watch it every week, but I do try to set aside time to keep up on what’s happening in their storylines. I always explain my interest in professional wrestling as enjoying a soap opera with slightly more violence, so if you know someone who loves their mid-day stories, don’t judge those of us who enjoy rasslin’. While I will definitely enjoy getting the chance to catch some live wrestling action before the game (which was surprisingly fun last season when they were at Wesbanco Arena), the game on the ice shouldn’t lack for wrestling level storylines and drama as well. The Walleye and Nailers are currently both in the top five in the ECHL league-wide standings, and the hatred these two teams have developed over the years still shines through every time they meet. I am really looking forward to seeing a lot of physical action before the game in the lobby, then even more on the ice during the 60 minutes of the game, hopefully featuring a big win for the hometown team. Get your tickets now so you can be there to see it in person too. Read the full article

[suguruverse]

What about Kyotani and Tanaka getting flowers from their S/O? 🥺 🥺 🥺

— HAIKYUU BOYS GETTING FLOWERS FROM THEIR S/O

includes - kyotani kentarou, tanaka ryunosuke and oikawa tooru

a/n - hehe this is so cute pls enjoy angel! <3 i also added oikawa bc i love him lol i hope you don't mind

published date - 20/04/21

↳ KYOTANI KENTAROU

- lets be real, he thinks you're pranking him :(

- you've noticed your boyfriend becoming more agitated lately so you were hoping to do something that would lift up his mood a little bit

- so before he went into the gym for practice, you decided to surprise him

- his teammates all made fun of him but he just yelled at them for being jealous that he's the only one with a pretty s/o like you

- he thinks he's too manly for flowers but he appreciates them so much

-when he gets home, he puts in a little vase and keeps it on his desk next to his framed picture of you guys on your first date

"KYOOO"

"hm? what are you doing here? you should go home before it gets dark you know"

"mhm i know i know"

"what are you hiding behind your back? looks suspicious"

"OH, i have a present for you"

"flowers??"

"mhm!! do you like them"

"are you sure they're for me? don't you think that's a bit girly?"

"um no? i think everyone deserves flowers when they're sad. no?"

he chuckled when you said that hehe im getting butterflies he's so hot imagine his deep laugh JEFNKJRE

"i guess you're right, thank you doll, i'll cherish it forever. i'll call you tonight okay?"

"i'll be waiting, have fun at practice"

- THEN HE KISSED YOU AHHHH

↳ TANAKA RYUNOSUKE

- this man has every gift you have ever given him in your entire life

- but for the sake of this let's pretend it's valentine's day!!

- you were so busy organising everything for your boyfriend that you didn't even realise how late you were for school

- yall were in different classes so he was extremely extremely upset that he couldn't see you

- at lunch you wanted to surprise him with a picnic and flowers in a small corner of the school

- and you did. he started crying

- he literally looked at the picnic, then you, then the picnic, and back at you and full on dropped to his knees and started crying

- he got snot all over you when you were trying to comfort him

- but when you handed the big bouquet of flowers, he sobbed even more

- he just loves you so much pls just give him a moment

- but when he calmed down, he started yelling, jumping around and hugged you tight and spun you around

- at one point he definitely said "how manly of you, very admirable! i knew you loved me"

- the whole picnic he couldn't stop smiling at the flowers

"you okay ryu? you keep smiling at me and the flowers"

"just really happy baby! thank you"

"i'm glad you like them baby"

- he just kept smiling and started humming to himself

- at some point he looked at you and said "these flowers are nearly as pretty as you baby!"

- then he cried even more after the flowers died after like 2 weeks

↳ OIKAWA TOORU

- this man receives flowers every single damn day so you didn't really think that he would care that much

- but this man is gets so excited when you get him anything like you could give him a used eraser and he will keep it as a little lucky charm

- you guys finally had time to go on a date so you thought it was really cute if you got him flowers instead of the other way around

- it turns out picking out flowers for your boyfriend is much harder that you thought so it took longer than expected

- you were ten minutes late and you burst through those café doors completely out of breath

- your sexy bf was just sipping his drink when he was you approach him and he smiled so brightly ugh i love him pls oikawa marry me challenge

"what got you so out of breath baby?"

"here for you" you said as you handed him the flowers

"darling, aren't i the one who's meant to get you flowers?"

"i mean i wanted to give you a little present because we haven't gone on a date in a while so i thought you might like it!"

"angel, you're gonna make me cry, i love you so much, gimme kiss"

- when he got home, he proceeded to facetime iwaizumi, mattsun and makki individually about how his cute s/o got him flowers and how they're still single losers

- he's so happy pls he needs someone to humble him

[the-dream-team]

Can I Try Again

Another ridiculously fluffy one-shot for @efkgirldetective's summer of jily week four prompt: picking berries // I know I've kissed you before, but I didn't do it right // the entire song, pink in the night <3

She is beautiful and he is in a perpetual state of falling. Down and down and down the goddamn rabbit hole, but somehow the further James plummets, the brighter his life becomes. It’s the kind of brightness that blinds him- somewhat painfully- and leaves his vision spotty, but he wouldn’t have it any other way.

Lily Evans walks ahead of him, a spring in her step, sunshine pouring through her hair. She’s cut it short for the summer, just above her shoulders, and he’s mesmerized by the way it bounces around her neck as she walks through the gardens of his family’s home. It’s an image he’s played over in his head an infinite number of times, but his rosiest daydreams don’t hold a candle to the real thing. The afternoon light hits his glasses just right and suddenly there’s a halo of glowing stars framing her as she tucks a dark red strand behind her ear. He can’t even see her face, but it doesn’t matter. I could stare at your back all day.

He is the luckiest boy in the world and every moment is made up of the sweetest form of torture. Agony and exuberance whipping his heart back and forth like a rogue Bludger.

She must know, he thinks. Must have some sort of clue that she’s occupied every corner of his mind for well over a year now. Even more so now, after the platform. He wishes more than anything for the ability to read minds as she glances over her shoulder with those startlingly green eyes, that friendly grin.

He can’t help but smile back- or maybe he was already smiling before she even turned around. It doesn’t matter. By some miracle, she’s here, and he can only marvel at the kindness of fate.

***

It had been a passing comment. One of those early morning conversations as his friends frantically scribbled out unfinished essays while shoving waffles down their throats. Chatter muffled by mouthfuls of eggs and yawning. Remus had commented offhandedly about the fruit bowl being passed around, and then-

“Oh, raspberries are my favorite.”

He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t already looking at her when she spoke. But truthfully, he was always looking at Lily, a habit he’d long since stopped fighting once he realized how fruitless his efforts were. She was beautiful and he was hopeless. Simply lucky to be in her presence. She was the sun, and he, but a lonely planet, entirely reliant on and endlessly seeking out her light.

Sirius spoke the words James should have if his mind hadn’t gone fuzzy from hearing her voice.

“You know, the Potters have a raspberry patch in their gardens.”

“Oh, really?” She glanced from Sirius to James with a brilliant smile and excited eyes, so purposefully glued to his that he had to duck his head and rake a hand through his hair to hide his heating cheeks.

“That’s right,” he said more to his plate of sausages than to her. “They’re usually ripe to pick by early August.” When he peered back up, she was still looking his way.

“You should come over this summer and take some off our hands,” said Sirius casually, turning towards James as if it had been his idea.

“Yeah,” he jumped in a little too eagerly. “I mean- if you’d like, you’re more than welcome.”

Her smile widened, rounding the apples of her cheeks in a way that made his stomach flip pleasantly. “That sounds like fun.”

He assumed she’d forget the conversation, it had been just another morning, just another casual chat among housemates, but that didn’t keep him from daydreaming about the potential of a far-off day in August rather incessantly during the following months. But then as the school year ended and summer rolled on painfully slowly (and Lily-less), an owl arrived. And her handwriting crawled across the page like a message written in the clouds.

***

Lily swings the woven basket back and forth in her pursuit of the best raspberries. There’s already an impressive bounty growing in her basket, far more than he’s managed to collect- too busy watching her kneel down and pluck berries off their delicate branches to pick any of his own.

He turns to a leafy bush, green and lively and swaying slightly in the warm breeze, and quickly pinches off a handful of berries in an attempt to catch up with her. When she spins around, he’s thankful for the distraction. A minute earlier and she would have caught him staring. Again.

She smiles pleasantly and brushes her fringe off her sweaty forehead with the back of her wrist. James’ heart leaps into his throat.

“You’ve been quiet,” she says, but not accusingly.

“No I haven’t,” he responds, voice gravelly from underuse. “Just been busy picking raspberries.”

She glances at his measly basket, then back to his face with arching brows and an amused smirk.

He can’t help his own guilty grin. “Alright, Evans, I’m sorry we can’t all be unreasonably talented at everything we do.”

“It’s berry picking, Potter,” she laughs, “not advanced Arithmancy.”

In retaliation, he plucks a raspberry off of the nearest branch and playfully throws it at her. She somehow has the gall to lean her head back and catch the goddamn berry between her teeth. His brain short circuits. He’s quite certain his jaw is on the ground. She acts as though this is no big deal, swallowing the fruit with a satisfied smile, her tongue brushing her lower lip before tossing another into her mouth.

“Oh, these are delicious!”

He can’t form a response even if he wants to. Even if it was a matter of life or death, which it sure as hell feels like. He can only stare at her mouth, at her lips stained raspberry-pink, and lose himself in the knowledge that he knows how they feel against his own- even just briefly.

***

The platform teemed with students stretching their legs after the long journey home from school, saying their goodbyes to friends as their families greeted them for the summer.

A pit sat in James’ stomach- heavy and demoralizing- the entire train ride back to London. He knew she’d be gone soon. Back with her parents in Cokeworth for two excruciating months before their seventh year began. He’d taken their close proximity for granted during the school year, and as he faced a summer without the promise of her warmth, he wondered if it was even possible living in the dark.

He laughed loudly at a joke Peter told, overcompensating for the fact he’d missed the punchline while his thoughts were spiraling over her. Sirius shot him a look that suggested he wasn’t doing a great job of masking his emotions. Had it been so obvious the entire way home? Could she have noticed the despondency in his eyes, heard the heavy thumping of his heart? He rolled his eyes at Sirius and mustered up the most unbothered smirk he could manage.

But then, without warning, she was in front of him.

“Alright, Potter, don’t let your head overinflate while I’m not around to keep you grounded.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it, Evans,” he laughed, thankful his voice sounded steadier than he felt. “Just so long as you promise to consider switching your loyalties to Puddlemere. There’s no way the Harpies even make it to the semi-finals this season, and I can’t bear seeing you heartbroken again.”

“Oh, piss off, Potter,” she replied, but the way she threw her arms around his neck seemed to argue she didn’t mean what she said. Instinctually, he hugged her back, and thank Merlin he had her to hold onto as the wind was knocked out of his lungs at her touch. An overwhelming warmth sparkled across every surface their bodies met, and it took every ounce of control he had to restrain the truly pathetic sigh that threatened to escape his throat.

“And I haven’t forgotten,” she spoke into his shoulder, breath hot thorough his t-shirt, “you promised me berry picking this August.”

It would be impossible to miss the rapid beating of his heart through his chest pressed up against hers. “I’m already counting down the days.”

When she pulled back, hands resting on his shoulders for a beat longer than expected, his body moved faster than his brain could keep up with. He leaned forward, aiming for her cheek, but miraculously landing against her mouth- connecting for the briefest of moments before parting again, as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened between them. If it weren’t for the ghost of her lips still burning against his own, he might have thought he’d dreamt it.

“Lily, I’m not waiting any longer, we’re leaving, now,” came the unpleasant voice of her sister from across the platform.

Lily’s disoriented smile faltered slightly before she composed herself again, meeting his eye. “I’ll see you in August?”

“Yeah, August,” he somehow said with his mouth still tingling, forever changed by what they now knew.

***

The memory of her lips, how they feel pressed between his smile, is harder to ignore when they’re in front of him. He can remember the warmth where they touched him over a month ago and absentmindedly he brings a raspberry to his mouth so he can imagine how she must taste.

His emotions were hard enough to control before he knew what he was missing, but now they are impossible to reign in. He forgets how to breathe, and as a result, his head spins maddeningly. Unsure of how much longer he can stand up straight without making a fool out of himself, he walks forward and lays a hand on Lily’s back- partially to lead her forward, partially because the desire to be connected to her in any way is driving him mad.

She lets him guide her through the rows of bushes, under an ancient wooden archway, and across a courtyard of blossoming poppies and forget-me-nots enclosed by walls of hedges. Yellow and purple petals reflect brilliantly in her green eyes, creating their own fields of wildflowers within her irises. He walks her towards a wide, circular fountain in the middle of the grass where bubbling water spills over onto stone tiers and pours into the basin below, its floor littered with glinting coins, dancing under the water’s rippling surface.

He sits down and she follows suit on the stone ledge surrounding the water, partially shaded by an impressive plum tree. Cool droplets spray off the fountain, refreshing like summer rain singing I love you, I love you, I love you. Lily glances his way and he wonders if she can hear his thoughts.

“Are we finished picking berries?” she asks, eyes squinting and nose crinkling in the sun.

“I figured you had enough to feed a village.” He reaches over and grabs a raspberry from her basket and she gasps in faux outrage.

“Are you really stealing my raspberries, Potter?”

He adores his name on her tongue. “My apologies,” he says, pulling a silver Sickle out of his pocket and sliding it over to where she sits. She looks at him like he’s lost his mind. “For your troubles. Go on then, make a wish.”

“Oh!” Her eyes light up and she takes hold of the coin, lifting it to her heart as she closes her eyes in search of a wish.

He thinks he could look at her forever. Happy, sunkissed, an unconscious smile playing across her lips. With her eyes shut, he uses a minute to take a deep breath, attempting to calm his racing heart and compose his dopey grin. They’re sitting close together, knees almost touching with the basket of berries between them. As she tosses the Sickle behind her shoulder, he smells the faint scent of her vanilla shampoo.

She noticeably tries to hide her smile when her eyelids flutter back open.

“What did you wish for?” he asks, unable to stop himself.

She freezes with her eyes locked on his. A pink blush spreads across her cheeks, growing darker the longer he stares back at her. “I can’t tell you,” she says, words sounding choked, “or else it won't come true.”

Her flushed face awakens something in his chest, a confidence that blooms magnificently, turns his nervous, pattering heartbeat into a steady, powerful drum.

His voice drops to a hoarse whisper when he asks, “Can I guess?”

Her breath hitches. “I think you might already know, James.” Her words, the sound of his name, melts him down to a puddle. By some miracle, she continues speaking. “Look, I know I’ve kissed you before-”

“But I didn’t do it right,” he says frantically, his hands finding her face and brushing through her hair. He starts to understand why people advise against looking directly at the sun because being this close to her fills him with such astounding emotion he thinks he might explode. She stares up at him, blush deepening, lips parting, and he takes a ragged breath. “Can I try again?”

This time, when she smiles, he knows exactly what he’s doing.

He leans in slowly, letting their breath mix together, their noses bump lightly before he closes the space between their lips. She’s soft and warm and beautiful and radiant and he’s never felt a happiness quite like this one, never experienced a kiss this perfect. His fingers travel over her scorching skin and brush her neck as he deepens the kiss, tasting the raspberries on her tongue, his heart soaring as she responds blissfully until they’re both left breathless.

“And again?” she asks, pulling him back with a smile against his lips.

“And again,” he smiles back, marveling, once again, at the kindness of fate.