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DA: The Veilguard Spoiler Review pt3 - Politiks
oh my little void in this world wide web, we are really in it now.
a little PSA before you read this word vomit, i am from westernmost middle east, and that will inform much of what i know about the topics i discuss. i wont know about race politics of america or the intricacies of it beyond what i can see online but as an immigrant i do have some perspective on western experience. so when i talk about heavy topics it will come from a foreign place. i do understand and admit that i cannot ignore that BW is a north american studio and that colours every theme they touch.
so there are two angles to approach this, 1st is to assess DAV on its own and 2nd is to assess it as a part of a whole and continuation of a franchise.
lets get 1st out of the way, its safely uncontroversial beyond taash's story. and eff-plays voiced my feeling verbatim on that subject more succinctly than anything i can possibly write.
2nd is very, very grim.
every DA game that came before had been interlaced with politics of its world so severely that its absence is disorienting. every game you were given the choice to change the political landscape of the countries youre playing in, for better or for worse. even the 2nd game with its vastly smaller scale sees hawke trying to navigate through their life as an immigrant, even at the games climax you are given a choice to drastically alter how this uprising will be remembered and it tells hawke that there are no half measures, they need to pick a side.
"Slavery or no, flesh is always for sale."
in my very first DAV playthrough i picked a shadow dragon elf, i didnt give her any backstory as i though being an elf in minrathous would shape her world view regardless.
first scene i got when organising my room rook pulls out the SHACKLES of a slave shes freed as she reminisces about how much good shes done, and puts them on her bedside. then proceeds to talk to a book and say "everybody looks down on elves but we were here first >:c"
(at this point i rerolled my character so i dont yet know how shadow dragon background plays out.)
at the very beginning of the game we see similar shackles and varric informs us that solas hates slavery, hes been freeing them.
when we make it to minrathous we learn that these people in neves circle have been freeing slaves.
alright so, the heavy handed deliveries aside, what purpose do all these scenes/expositions serve?
well, it makes these people look good. we know theres slavery in this part of thedas and these people are fighting against it not by any elaborate means but dont worry kitten <3.
[i had to look up the english for some of these terms so feel free to correct me if im wrong] patterson describes slavery as "one of the most extreme forms of the relation of domination, approaching the limits of total power from the viewpoint of the master, and of total powerlessness from the viewpoint of the slave". death of the soul, death of what makes one human -and for the purposes of this section- death in the eyes of state. slavery has such a long history that predates early modern colonization of africa by thousands of years. it is a staple of human history and where we have come from shapes what we are now. we can shun it, call it abhorrent but we cant pretend it never happened. theres always been people dead in the eyes of state.
heres the uncomfortable truth, there aint never been enough steel in the world to hold every hittite or mittani slave. to assume slavery is people getting abducted and put to irons is as naïve as human trafficking being a rando ruffying you and hauling you across the sea in a crate. yea, it could happen but 99% of the time its just a waste of time to physically hold someone against their will by force. and this idea makes us think its this far off thing that happened thousands of years ago by bad individuals doing very comically bad things, which is a very deliberate choice, because to depict period accurate slavery would be to portray social and economical classes, and that would be confronting how little we've changed in certain aspects.
people were born into that caste, shaped by it, worn down by it, and abused by it systematically.
in DAI Dorian says something -apparently- very controversial that i dont think this fandom has fully unpacked, and i aint gonna do that here either because im not remotely qualified. he likens the working class of south to slavery of north, theres no way to engage with this argument in any meaningful way, even as an elf, and in general people brush it off as dorians pro-slavery rhetorics.
try as DAV might to disregard, we actually did meet an ex-slave and trafficking victims on three separate occasions, and the games have set a premise already. we got to talk about their unique circumstances, and they were handled with some measure of dept. maybe you liked them, maybe you didnt, but you knew them and that makes a difference. they had agency in their own stories. a far cry from DAVs nameless faceless props for righteous gentiles to circle jerk about.
but, sure, lets tell ourselves showing them would be too gratuitous.
can you imagine how batshit insane it would look if zevran kept the belt her husband used to beat isabela with as a trinket, to display in his tent? that scene with rook disturbed me more than most anything in this entire franchise and coming from an anders supporter, thats saying something.
this is how little the writers were willing to engage with their source material. this is how little they are willing to engage with the world around them.
which makes the next blunder inevitable.
alot has been said about the absurdity of elves feeling responsible for the events of DAV, but maybe this hasnt been said enough; this is a blatant fascist rhetoric.
i will spell it out though, even though i never thought it needed to be said, the social performance of accountability indicates that the party who has done harm has benefited and continues to benefit from that harm, this is why reparations are paid, and thats what "check your priviledge" means. elves in DA have never benefited in any way from the warmongering of evanuris, they were enslaved by them.
to say that these people should feel some sort of responsibility towards what befell dwarves is a fascist rhetoric used irl to offload responsibility and divide and alienate the opposition further from eachother.
i cant tell you if this mouth piece is same everywhere but i know a few people who have clocked it immediately so im gonna assume it was obvious. and truthfully, i wouldnt even be annoyed if i thought it was intentional. genuinely, one of my favourite games is an unapologetic military propaganda whos protagonist would make ayn rand write sonnets about, and the game knows what it is. but no, i fully believe the studio tried to address the criticism they got about their lackluster handling of elves and either completely misunderstood or willfully disregarded the experiences of marginalised peoples that the games drew inspiration from.
the writing is so hollow beyond horrible dialogue that when writing an enby character whos also multicultural they didnt even notice the parallel theyve created. i know this because after an entire plotline about their struggle with binaries their story concludes with a binary decision on their culture. this just confirms to me that any dept this game has is completely accidental.
imma level with yall i dont subscribe to the belief that you need to have some type of experiences to write some type of characters and i find that "ofc a white person wrote it so..." response very tired because yea we should be allowed to expect more from white people. i too had OCs of different cultures that i wasnt very familiar with and handled poorly, but unlike me, a company can afford a consultant.
i played greedfall recently, and sure the maori tattoos were a shit decision, and im disappointed that after all the criticism they still stuck with it, and yes maybe its story was not sensitive enough but you know what? as the person whos recommended it to me said, i rather have a story who boldly engages with its own themes than one whos terrified of them. say what you will about its shortcomings but at least at the end of that game you can have an ending where the colonizers leave for good, and yes their plague is not healed but the narrative doesnt punish the natives for their isolationism. i am glad that the game allows that catharsis to its players.
DAV could have had 300 well thought-out endings and still not please everyone, but the endings they chose to include directly implicates the group theyre trying to appease and its literally just people who either want to punch or kiss solas, thats how fucking deep they think their fanbase it. not the people who wanted to end slavery, or achieve equilibrium with beings no matter how alien they are. or people who wanted to see a culture connect with its roots etc etc.
and maybe they were right, many people have been enjoying this game immensely and i am just, so fucking jealous. i wish i liked this game and enjoyed it and didnt want to tear out my hair every second i spent in treviso. i wish i wasnt seething white knuckling my sink like an insane person when a little kid wrote to crow rook that hes recruiting orphans now. i wish i had any belief in this game to read that as satire.
at least i wish i felt any form of vindication when i immediately realised this game was going to be a soulless cashgrab that unashamedly uses the name of a popular IP to push a sub-par product earlier this year, i just spend 80+ hours watching a company parade the carcass of a franchise i loved and beat it like a pinata as it continuously slapped me on the face with a botched wax figure of it.
i just feel this profound sense of sadness. i wish this game didnt exist. and no i dont feel any kind of brand loyalty, even when i actively enjoyed their work i didnt but i definitely dont now, not after 3 consecutive games that theyve delivered with more or less the same problems. as the company is today, i dont care whether bw survives or not, its been made clear time and again that the bw i liked is long gone and bw today is clearly not interested in making games for me.
even as i write this i dont feel fuelled by my anger for DAV but by the love a have for what came before. i still think the story deserved better, the fans deserved better, the people who contributed into making DA universe what it was before DAV deserved better. and, as rook told harding, our anger is justified.
but, hey. hair looks really good.
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if i said i picked up this issue for anything but drunk erik i fear i'd be lying
(Wolverine (2020) #3)
#xmen#xmen comics#krakoa#magneto#ok fine logan can get a tag too. this IS his story after all ja/lkLAJVEAVKLJ#wolverine#snap scans#i should read the rest of this run but its like 47 issues i think so. gonna take some time with that#spliced up the panels so its easier to look at everything. and so i can frame drunk passed out erik on my wall#someone uploaded some of the first page some time ago but 1.) i forgot to rb it 2.) it didnt include the rest of the scene#it ESP didnt include erik fallin face first on the table and his lil sleepin face on the next page like please im gettin cuteness aggressio#im so miffed that these are printed on the same page cause i woulda framed this spread otherwise like PLEASE#this shit got me GIGGLING SO BAD i cant. 'dare i say it .......' he's so unnecessary i love him so much#he's so silly ..... also someone said it best in that whenever erik's drawn like a bug it's the best thing#like look at him. that's a beetle. that's my little beetle and i love him i need to put him in a terrarium and watch him#honestly theres a LOT of things i have scanned and wanna share however i have to do it. Reasonably so to speak#in that i dont want to accidentally drown out all my doodling with comic scans jvEALKVJEAKL#maybe i'll do it sandwich style ... art -> scan -> art -> scan etc etc#that does remind me i have a doodle i wanted to do today. so maybe ill do that and share another thing i got scanned ....#unfortunately i do very much love reading the comics. a troublesome thing cause theres so much i wanna share and talk about#like from this issue too i love how hank describes what charles' mutation feels like#its not a grand thing but i love it whenever charles' telepathy is described and how it effects him physiologically#maybe hank was just Theorizing what it feels like but still ... i love that insight so much .....#i'll share that quote another time- i prob won't scan the page cause it's just a text log but i will say it was from here dont worry#ok ive rambled long enough BYE im gonna go draw charles
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i know i only posted like. 2 pieces of red dead art so far. but what you don't know/understand is that i have a folder full of just random bullshit ive been frantically drawing on a daily basis for the past weeks + a bajillion more wips in store because i've been trying so damn hard to pace myself as well as still being cautiously anxious of alienating my followers
#i promise guys i pinkie pinkie prommie ill be posting more dmc still#and if you dont give a shit at all about red dead there'll be more of my usual shit soon enough too#i just. have a Problem#(and his name is john mars#as my friends have so eloquently said unfortunately i have Nero'd him#anyone who knows me will understand what that means and the subsequent gravity of the situation#also i know i shouldnt worry so much. like im the first who'll follow artists no matter what fandom even if ive completely lost the plot#and dont even know at all anymore what the source is theyre drawing for HOWEVER#i also have a Problem /neg#where i find it incredibly hard to post for reasons unknown to me#like it took me years to get comfortable posting my art online because theres some part of my gut that just#freezes up when i try to put it on the internet#and over time i overcame that barrier HOWEVER my brain is a dumb animal#and apparently seems to think that 'ok with posting art' thing only applies to dmc related stuff#like theres this Fear that grips me when i think of posting/sharing anything non dmc#it is not founded in reality or based on any rational thought/reason#in short. be patient w me brain machine broke but im SO unwell for these cowboys it is simply absurd to not post the fruits of this disease
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. . .
#i dont really know what to say on here at all#anybodys welcome to come to me to talk if they need to but im just#im just so exhausted#ive been sick on and off for over a week but i cant use too much sick time because#ill run out of time to see my parents later this year#and i cant just not go because i need to keep my health insurance#now that i have more than one chronic illness#theres wild shit going on at our house thats making me paranoid and anxious of someone stalking us#or trying to hurt my roommate#and now. this#its so selfish to make it about me and truly it isnt#im worried for my baby coworker who came out to me as trans#and how shell live the next four years#im worried about everyone whose been in my inbox every g/f/m i keep track of#im afraid for my friends. im afraid Of a few of my coworkers now that i know#but mostly im just. so fucking tired#im so tired#and im so sorry#was it so silly to be a little hopeful#and not even hopeful for a good outcome. i know we dont have those. just not This one#rowan chatter#tbd
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me, stupidly and weirdly resistant to listening to audio books vs reading a physical book for no real reason: man i wish there was a way to like, read a book while i crochet like i do with tv shows and movies and podcasts
#toy txt post#my reasons are irrational you dont need to try to talk me into it. i KNOW#its very silly of me#imagine how much reading i could get done. but alas. Feels Bad#even listening to a more. uh. Story type podcast or fiction like nightvale was a bit difficult to start for me. i like nightvale now i#listened. but i worry that is clocking in my brain as an Exception 😔 maybe it would be easier if i tried some nonfiction books? scary#i also struggle with single host podcasts apparently even tho im also ehhhh on the kind where the structure is the host Interviewing a#different person everytime? maybe it would be okay with a nonfiction audiobook tho cos it would be getting read by a narrator and not sound#so much like a guy ranting into a mic which makes me feel a little insane. altho propaganda doesnt necessarily always sound like a guy#ranting into a mic so idk. i could probably make it through if i can find a nice book about like. parasitic worms. i could tolerate#feeling like im falling into sigma male affirmations videos for worms i think. wormffirmations are allowed#*to clarify i dont listen to those but listening to better offline makes me feel like im morphing into the kinda guy who does and i hate it#which feels unfair cos he is RIGHT and the podcast is good but i need there to be like a cohost there to break the tension of the Ranting#sometimes he has guests on? but its not quite the same#i think the format i like best is either like 2 or 3 regular cohosts discussing things within a specific topic#OR. 1 host whos like infodumping to the other host who knows nothing about the subject. OR. 2 hosts info dumping to each other about#different aspects of the subject. OR. 1 host who brings on fun guests to infodump to them about a subject. and then obviously the subject#needs to intrigue me. ex. sawbones well theres your problem (I HATE THAT THIS ONE IS BEST EXPERIENCED ON YOUTUBE😭 I WANT THEM TO JUST DUMP#ALL THE SLIDES INTO A BIG BLOG POST SOMEWHERE AND I CAN CHECK IN AND FOLLOW ALONG THAT WAY WITHOUT HAVING TO HAVE MY PHONE SCREEN ON THE#WHOLE TIME!!!!!!!!! but. im listening for free so its unreasonable to demand more of them BUT ALSO I FEEL LIKE JUST COPYPASTING ALL OF THE#SLIDES INTO A BIG BLOG POST ISNT THAT MUCH MORE EFFORT THAN EDITING A WHOLE YOUTUBE VIDEO? WAAAAAH. THEY DONT NEED TO BE TIMESTAMPED OR#ANYTHING JUST THROW EM IN ILL FIGURE IT OUTTTTTT#anyway. also more than 3 hosts is really pushing my ability to keep track of voices.#anyway: sawbones wtyp tpwky behind the bastards scam goddess#(which is true crime adjacent but focuses mainly on scams and isnt copaganda and laci is funny and cool)#common descent pod completely arbortrary maintenance phase if books could kill#deep sea podcast has more bringing ppl in to interview them about shit than i personally enjoy but i put up with it cos i do like the hosts#and the subject
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That post about everything being "Nah" I felt in my core. I'll always respect people who identify differently but when they ask me "what's your pronouns?" Or "where do you lie romanticaly?" I'm just "eh call me whatever you want I guess" or *I don't feel romantically for much anything" maybe cause online people always thought I'm one gender and irl people always thought I was the other so I just responded with "sure I guess"
and it's honestly such an easier way to live ngl... like when it comes to people who Know that i use they/them, it hurts to hear my given pronouns. but when it comes to strangers and just people who i haven't told, it's like... "yeah. ok. ill put on this hat" it feels a bit like a performance. it feels Mischievous, even! ohoho, they've been Tricked!
#which is Equally funny when i get 'misgendered' the other way. actually its More So#its so delightful. the sheer joy of having genderfucked myself to the point where people get it wrong in the Opposite way#ive had moments where i was confidently referred to with the 'wrong' set until i opened my mouth#and then theres The Face Of Terror and them scrambling to use the 'correct' set while visibly dying inside#ITS SO FUNNYYYYYY#this is my gender. fucking with people Is My Gender i have just realized#my goal every time i leave the house is to make people go '?????'#GODDDDD I LOVE NOT CARING ABOUT GENDER ALL THAT MUCH ITS SO FUCKING FUN#like yeah. sure youre wrong but lmfao whatever im vibing#rambles from the bog#im a bit less excited about being aroace purely bc i know the stigma around it#and ive heard So Many disheartening stories about aro/ace folks getting rejected/shunned in queer spaces#like there's a queer bar i wanna go to but now im. less enthused because someone Will hit on me im confident about that#and flirting is fun but like... man i dont wanna lead anyone on but-#sorry sorry i didnt mean to start Worrying Out Loud lmao#but no yeah i respect strong gender feels and labels but like. Eh! Im Just Me!#i use nonbinary bc technically Yea and also the flag fucks <3
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Apparently my job incorrectly changed my state on my W4 without my knowledge or consent last year and now I owe a LOT of money in unpaid state taxes since they weren't withholding them from my paycheck like they were supposed to 😭
#i hadnt filed my 2023 taxes yet bc there was some stuff i had to figure out with my old college#(they didnt send me a 1098-t and they werent responding to my emails and they changed systems after i graduated#so i wasnt in their new systems and when i called the treasurers office they couldnt figure out how to find me#so they sent it to their manager but the manager never responded and etc etc)#but i wasnt too worried bc i knew with the withholdings that i put on my w4 that i should be receiving a refund#and theres no penalties to filing late if youre receiving a refund (you just. dont get your money until its filed)#but now ive got that figured out (turns out they actually didnt need to send me a 1098-t bc i dont have any exceptions to claim from them#bc something about how my expenses were handled? idk. which i didnt even learn from them btw. bc they never got back to me 🙃#i had to consult a tax expert. but anyway)#so i was trying to finally file them. and uh. it turns out i owed like $1000 to my state. and i was like. that. cant be right. what?#checked my w2 and for some reason on one line it had my state listed with like a small portion of my earnings#and then on the next line there was the rest of my earnings under a different state name#a state that doesnt fucking have state taxes 🙃 so nothing was withheld from that portion of my income#so apparently i did NOT pay the majority of my state taxes last year. and now im 6 months late filing. and im worried im fucked#and we are also 11 MONTHS into 2024 with my w4 incorrect and no state taxes withheld all year 🙃 fuck. fuck fuck fuck#they cant even change it back until my manager proves i live in this state apparently 😭 what the hell man#i live in this state i work in this state my companys fucking headquarters is in this state#WHY would they change it to a different fucking state. WITHOUT my knowledge or consent#i didnt even realize they had stopped withholding my state taxes until now bc it happened at the same time i got promoted#so the increase on my paycheck just blended in with my raise 😭#i just submitted it but of course theyre going to take what i owe for my state taxes weeks before they refund me for my federal taxes#payments process within 48 hours but refunds take up to 21 days#rambling#so. im gonna have to figure out how to make rent and bills next week#and then im ALSO gonna have to pay however much it costs to be 6 months behind on a payment of nearly $1000#FUCK
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zeno's ultimate pokemiku tierlist ⁉️(it's all his opinion and he loves them all regardless⁉️)
#like arrfgggdiakaktmcksmsama this was literally all for me like they knew what they were doing#i love character design i love pokemon i love miku. and then you put ALL THREE TOGETHER....#i will explain some of my choices here#poison miku is just too good but also i am a big sucker for freaky scientists with constant “worry” eyebrows#her design is just so out there and crazy (this is about the shoes. some understand the greatness of the shoes and some dont. and thats ok.)#every other miku in peak i think establishes their theme exeptionally well especially ghost bug and fighting#for ghost i already love spooky and gloomy looking characters and that miku delivers tenfold (of course shes designed by the GOAT take)#esp with the mix of ghostly and electronic/digital regarding the glitchy parts n the 01 hologram#she looks like shell invade my computer and give it a virus if i dont send the chainmail about her tragic file corruption to 10 friends#(in the best way possible)#for bug miku the big dress is a huge plus but also i just think shes adorable nuff said#for fighting - i love a delinquent character and she fits that really well. the half coat thing is a big highlight for me#also the leek theme is absolutely iconic#for the ones i didnt like as much - i honestly just think the koraidon one is a leeeeetle bit boring#dont get me wrong. it has really cool aspects like the hair and the koraidon like cape but idk#it feels like theres a lot going on but not that much at the same time? its still a really nice design tho esp the hair color#for the ones in yellow tier - i just dont like the color palletes very much . theyre still really nice designs esp fire miku#but all in all these are genuinely all amazing designs and i dont want to be too critical or mean to any of them esp seeing im not a pro#but this was really fun to see unfold!!! cant wait until the songs start dropping#in the topic of miku as well - hey muse dash where's my miku on the switch version....#please dont make us wait too long 🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿
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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now
#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL#really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us#ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great#extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore#the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog#its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow#i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating#i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one#i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it#theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget#anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by#there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad#cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now#maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that#im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away#ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free#i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20#i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her#but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more#maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know#because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before#i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years#i dunno. i dont know#anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process#the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months#the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time#when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move#just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend
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do i really want to make individual drinks again
#reaching back into the file cabinets of my mind to remember how i made certain drinks when i worked at the cafe#in preparation for the possibility of this new job#it would certainly mean far less goofing off time than i have at my current job. and i value my goofing off time dearly#but the people here are so fucking annoying lmao. i hate them soooo much#not that the people at this new job would be any better. we're still dealing with investment bankers#godddddd. what i really would want (which would be impossible)#would be to go back to working at the cafe but like. still have paid time off and insurance lmao#but the cafe was a small business and he was not offering paid time off and insurance. and the pay was way less#but i did get to play whatever music i wanted. unfortunately you cant live on that#like i can always say no to this new job if its offered to me. but is my goofing off time worth:#2 dollars less in pay and a half hour to an hour's more commute. well i dont know#a shorter commute would mean i could sleep more. and have more time at home .#i mean i probably don't Need all this goofing off time. but its nice#i dont knowwwwwww#like even though im a bit nervous abt doing it again i know that i would easily fall back into the routine of making drinks#which i was fairly good at. my one drawback is that i cant do latte art but i dont know that theyd really care here#and (because i found the menu of where id work) theres not a ton of drink options?? just the standard stuff#its being called a starbucks cafe but 1) its not managed by them and 2) it does not have their 5 billion drink options#so thats good. less to worry about#doesnt look like i even have to make anything foodwise which i had to at the cafe#here it looks like people can just buy a pastry and thats it#the hours are like. the same i work now. also good#sorry im like using this post to think through my thoughts.#uhhhh oh i looked up the manager who looks like a weenie so im not keen on the prospect of interviewing with him#but i probably would have thought that about my current manager if id seen a pic of him prior to interviewing. i guess???#and with these kind of catering units it seems you dont often deal directly with the manager that much anyway#i just gotta see if i get good vibes#rn i have unsure vibes. but i need a sign to see if this could be good for me#oh id also save money on transportation. and taxes! bc i wouldnt be working in ny anymore#lol oops tag limit. well i hope you enjoyed my job thoughts you probably didnt i know i didnt
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Dhfjkf it's so funny when people are like, "this is NOT a media where you should engage in shipping!!!" But like, is that not the point of shipping? Where you're often creating something outside of the scope of the original intention of the media? Idk, i just find it silly when people try and draw a line like that bcs its so incredibly subjective. Or acting like shipping is somehow this root of evil that corrupts the whole fandom. Calm down, it's just playing with dolls bro. Transformative media and such.
#'but this media is serious!!!!' ...and?#idk i think you can fully respect the original intention of the media AND have your dolls in the corner#i guess ive always engaged in shipping since i can remember#often a thing i keep in the back of my mind at all time for funsies. smth to keep track of#so it bothers me so much people take this hardline stance against it#its neglecting and disrespecting an inherent part of fandom :/#just saw a post abt some game where theyre talking about how parts of the fandom dont really-#engage w the media in the way its intended#and on one hand yeah. you always hope people are interpreting the media in the way its intended#so they can fully appreciate it#but its not rly anyones job to police what exactly the fandom does. its just silly#you just gotta accept people are gonna engage w it in a way you personally dont and thats okay!#i guess i also just feel like theres probably another person out there who might disapprove-#of how YOU yourself are engaging#so why worry about such things and not just have fun the way you wanna#catie.rambling.txt
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God, this is fucking crazy
So i only have 3 more classes to take, but it'll cost the same to take 3 classes as 4 classes. So I've been thinking about taking a 4th class just for the hell of it. Something fun and/or easy.
Out of curiosity, I looked up orchestras. I was in it in my first year, but I haven't consistently played since 2016. But I still dream about being in an orchestra again. I *miss it*. So I was like. Well, what if *that* was my 4th class next semester? What If?
I looked it up. This week is the last week they're doing auditions for it. There was only one more spot free after today. And that's *tomorrow evening*.
I haven't really played my violin much in YEARS. I'm so out of practice. But apparently they don't reject anyone outright. Auditions are just for placement. So worst case scenario, I get placed in an orchestra at a lower skill level than I was at my prime. It'd still be an orchestra.
It's crazy short notice, but I don't think I'd forgive myself if I passed it up. Bc I have just one more semester before I graduate. One last opportunity to be in a school orchestra. And if I didn't do this, I'd be left with that What If forever.
So. Crazy short notice, but I have a violin audition tomorrow!!! Hahahaha
#speculation nation#im literally shaking with nerves rn but i want this so so so badly#i remember. how to play. my arms are just so much stiffer than they used to be. and my nails. man im gonna have to trim my fucking nails#at least my left hand. kinda sucks bc i like the polish i have on rn but u cant have any long nail at all for violin.#i need to play two scales of my choosing. ascending and descending in three octaves.#recommended for violin is A C or E-flat major. of course i know A and C but i'd have to look up E-flat. never did much with flats in school#then again i have that One Two Three and a Half rhythm Down. thats how id often warm myself up.#start with the base G string and just do a scale up and down (one octave). go up to the next note. do it again.#again and again until i started running out of room on the E string. & if i was Real motivated maybe id start shifting to continue.#so all id need to do is find the E flat and id be good. it all follows the same pattern.#the harder challenge will be the solo or etude. 2-3 minutes in length. only *one day* to prepare.#i have NO IDEA what id even play. i'll look in my old sheet music to see if theres anything that might work#simple enough for me to relearn on such short notice. and interesting enough to be played solo#(since i was always in orchestras it's not always the best for solo playing. tho i was also first violin section a lot#which is Basically the same as playing solo lmaooo)#if i cant find anything i do have a few sheet music books i could look in. id hate to play smth too simple#but better simple and Right than trying to do something above my current skill level.#which IRKS ME bc once upon a time i was the 4th best violinist in my high school. out of nearly 2k students.#but thats what happens when u go years without consistent practice :p ur arm gets Stiff.#im. still nervous but also thinking about the music is making me EXCITED.#it's going to be a wild time prepping for this thing but itll be over in like 5 mins and i dont even have to worry about Passing#so long as i *do it* i should get into something. i just need to push myself. do it. get out there. *play your violin*#i already cried in a public bathroom for 10 mins today and im feeling emotional Again.#not quite crying emotional tho thankfully. just. i feel like i need to climb onto a rooftop and SCREAM!!!! but like in a good way.#so so so nervous but itll be so so so worth it. i could be in an orchestra again. finally. finally finally finally.#and i STILL NEED TO FINISH THIS ASSIGNMENT.....!!!! hfkahfks today has been. a DAY.#just. keeps going through my head. i could be in an orchestra again. i could be in an orchestra again. at least one more time.
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i know doctor who has never been Perfect, and i love capaldi, i love twelve, but christ alive its a hard watch sometimes
#toy txt post#they just made him so egregiously and blatantly RACIST? like to the point where im like was this like? an on purpose characterization#choice that i just strongly disagree with? or like? is it a consequence of the writers trying to be less racist by including more#characters of color but failing by not checking their own implicit biases so now not only is the doctor racist but like. egregiously so bc#theres so many more opportunities for him to be racist? like just#and if youre sitting here like hes not!!! how dare you: pay attention to the difference in how he treats characters of color vs white chars#he hates soldiers. okay fine thats been fairly consistent. okay but 12 RLY hates them. he hates them so much he cant stand Claras bf Danny#who should be the doctors like ideal soldier bc he was a soldier who didnt want to be anymore and just wants to chill and do good in the#world and for ppl to be safe so hes just a nice math teacher and the doctor calls him stupid and treats him as if hes fucking rambo? but#the doctor is largely fine with: kate lethbridge stewart? hes fine with ogood who may not be a soldier in her own right but shes actively#participating in UNIT as a scientist in a way thats way more ~soldiery~ than anything Danny is doing? and like they clearly wanted that to#be a point of tension to point out the doctors hypocrisy of how the doctor is like a high ranking officer/general whatever#and like thats fine and fair to point out but it just sucks that they do all that and dont seem ti realize how fuckijg racist they wrote#him? he was fucking besties with winston goddamn churchill but he refuses whatshername. journey blue? as a companion bc#shes a soldier. well bro you could make her not a soldier by removing her from the fucking battlefield maybe instead of getting morally#outraged about it? not to mention noticing how when he goes from '900 yrs of space and time and ive never met anyone who wasnt important'#wandering around being fine with UNIT apparently declaring him dictator of earth in emergencies (HELLO?) but dont worry he'll let us know#he disapproves by picking some random UNIT guy to be a really condescending asshole to. pay no attention to the fact that this UNIT#guy happens to be another character of color. ~the 12th doctor is too faceblind you cant call him racist~ well for a guy who cant tell#humans apart from sontarans his accidentaly racism beam is off the charts. its crazy. god#god i wish he'd gotten written better than this#when they do write him good they write him good. but godddddddd its so#doctor who
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recently ive been getting really sick of my neighbors i wish that i had a bunch of money so that i could buy up their houses and only let people i live live near me
#neighbors 1 used to be friends but theyre trumpies and also neglect and borderline abuse their dog#i like river hes not a bad dog but hes not trained well and is a very large and powerful dog and really really wants to kill my cats#and they just let him loose wander in the road wander into other peoples yards and hes trapped me and my mom outside because#he tries to force his way into our house if we try to go back inside of our house and i kinda dont want my cats guts splattered everywhere#neighbors 2 have a fenced in yard with a lab and a husky that they leave outside all of the time in their yard#as far as i know they dont have a dog house or even food and water out there and absolutely no toys and the dogs bark constntly#probably because theyre so bored outside in the hot weather usually without shade and no entertainment they bark at each other#or anyone in the yards of the neighboring houses or they bark at the door begging to be let back inside or bark at the windows#and theyre patriots too they got one of those huge skeletons last halloween and theyve kept it up ever since changing out the spotlight#for holidays which initially i really liked i thought it was funny but then for memorialday/july 4th they dressed in patriotically#and i hate america so . i hate them and how they neglect their dogs#neighbors 3 they are related to the one good neighbor BUT. theyre married (?) and they scream at each other arguing all of the time and#because of the geography of where we live it echos right to our house very loudly and it gives me anxiety and they have a kid or kids#who sometimes cry loudly because they scream yell at each other loudly i kinda hope they (not the kids) go to hell#neighbors 4 i . im not sure if theyre newer here but they also have dogs but so far theyve kept them on leashes i think?#except for that one time where their dog just. walked up to me. idk if they let the dog loose on purpose or if it was accidental#but recently me and my mom were outside messing with the garden and They are also a couple and were screaming at each other#also ! i love straight people 😍 please breakup or get a divorce or move away or go to hell youre fucking crazy people go to therapy#and then theres the people on super loud motorcycles or in super loud cars and then theres the other neighbors with the isra hell flag#and the other neighbors that i SUPER SUPER SUPER HATE and have hated for YEARS ecause i went to school with one and hes#racist as fuck i hope he dies or something. and because of them we dont even go down the road that way#they have free roaming animals that would go into the road and they run some ? atv repair or something out of their house and sometimes#completely occupy the whole road loading shit or something. like if you want stereotypical redneck assholes its them#and i hate all of these people so much. mutuals you should live here instead of them. its the blue ridge mountains its higher altitude#its pretty but sometimes it rains and causes something of a 'creek' to flow but were on a mountain so it flows down and away#and well sometimes the sewer smells really bad for some reason idk but like . its fine dont worry about it#and bears might drag your trashcans up the mountain but just dont leave food outside and they wont do that#we have a . shockingly beautiful ?? dumpster on the road too so its okay 👍#dear lird i just scrolled up and thats a lot of words . o well
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#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/#but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment#i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating#there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2#months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it#not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him#in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to.#until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if#he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone#and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think#there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy#your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you)#and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly#so last night#i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text.#i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart#until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent#that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real#did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart#and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about#and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in#which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever#it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in.#just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the#reason that he went away on me.#im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying#not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me#that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest.#and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs#he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am
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planning courses for the next semester is not for the weak
#WHY IS EVERY SINGLE CLASS GOING ON AT THE SAME TIME.#WHY DO WE ALL START AT 9AM AND NOT GO PAST 11AM. PLEASE#please just strart at 1pmplease plase palseasee#i dont wanna take only 3 classes next semester but like erm.#mostly because im a little picky abt my professors. less so for electives but classes im worried about (SPEECH)#ive been pushing speech off for the longest time because i have crippling social anxiety 99% of the time. so i made sure i got a good prof#uhgghg#theres this one prof who does a lot of erm i think sociology classes yeah#she is so chill and nice and uses my prefurred name and pronouns (i really need to get my name chaged in the system uhghgh) but she did uh#the reverse grading and i hated it. everyone did. she was so nice and understanding..#one time i went 2 talk to her about my missing work (chronic pain and fatigue had me bed bound for days on end) and she literally just said#erm u have an A so u dont have to do it.#>@>>@>/1/1/?!?!?#live saver. i had a breakdwon in her office i was literally sobbing telling her about my health issues. it was really hard because i never-#-really talk about it. i didnt realize how hard it would be when i finally did#anywasy what was i saying. yeah i love her so much but not her grading and teaching system. but idk maybe ill try it again she has a gender#-and sexuality class i kinda wanna take because im a professional faggot
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