#there was also quite a bit of pain after surgery--and i kind of guessed there would be--but right now i'm doing okay: though that might be

[oveliagirlhaditright]

The surgery went well! (And I thank everyone for the positive feedback on that post of mine.)

Though it's weird not being able to talk at all today after that, but I knew ahead of time that I wouldn't be able to, LOL, and that I wouldn't be able to eat normal foods for a while (and that's kind of similar to when I got my wisdom teeth out).

According to the ENT, my voice will, at first, be worse than it was before surgery (something I also knew ahead of time). But here's hoping that eventually it'll be louder/stronger than it was.

It won't at all fix all of my vocal cord problems--this isn't a solution so much as a help--but it'll be so nice if people will actually be able to hear me again, and if my voice won't fade out, etc.

If it does work, I'll definitely be looking to get a more permanent injection in the future:)

[laertesthelocalstranger]

to first understand birth, we must understand the events leading up, and thus biology.

no, I will not be getting into how humans were made, that is a controversial question at best, and is not something I feel qualified to discuss without bias, thank you.

each human is made of different kinds of tissue and cells and muscles and organs and hormones and other gross things. Some people can get pregnant, some can get others pregnant, some can’t, some won’t, and that’s ok.

To get pregnant, you must have the following, a:

-corporeal form.

-uterus.

-other gross traditionally “female” human bits that you are lucky you don’t have.

you must also have a number of different hormonal whatevers to insure things go as planned, but the bottom line is, if you are born a girl, then you have a good chance of having children much much lat3 in life, even if you undergo HRT, so long as you don’t mess with what’s going on bellow the belt. If you do, congratulations! You can’t have kids, and are saving yourself a world of pain.

of course, you could take the way way out of not having kids, and that is to not partake in intercourse, but that apparently just isn’t an option for some peopel, even if it’s the most full-proof solution, and no one is harmed from it, and you don’t have to worry about surgery and recovery time and medical complications but I guess some people just can’t live with s-

I’m getting off topic.

anyways.

to get someone pregnant, you must have:

-…. I hate all of the words for their body part, but just-

-traditionally “male” genatilia.

-corporeal form.

After some stimulus, and… admittedly fairly disgusting activity, the ‘female’ one has a chance at getting impregnated. They will need to take a test, and if it comes back positive, then in 9 months a bumbling little baby will be brought into the world.

durring this, the uterus is forced to stretch and grow alongside the infant, expanding and moving and sometimes even destroying organs inside the ‘mother’’s body.

after nine months (sometimes a shorter amount of time, but that is somewhat rare), the ‘mother” is most often rushed to a hospital to give birth when the time comes.

I won’t say exactly what happens, bc it is scarring, painful, gross, and uncomfortable, and I have tried as hard as I can durring my life to know a little as I can about it.

That is the basic run down. I have censored quite a bit for I am uncomfortable, and seeing as you are a quilt, and thus inapplicable to you, you do not need to know the graphic details.

-@not-qualified-for-your-bull

hi dear human beings what the actual fuck

[answersfromzestual]

***Educational Purposes Only***

Normal questions for phallo (my personal experience, and facts)

"Do you feel anything?" - yes, I feel everything from touch, stroking, temperature, pain, pressure, pleasure, gusts of cold air. They do disconnect and reconnect nerves, so it does take time (years) depending on how you heal to have complete sensation. But you always have sensation there even beforr you are fully healed. I found the Urethral Lengthening Procedure and the Implants (erectile device and prothetic testicle). It took probably 3 years after all of the procedures for me to have what is called "complete tactile function".

"How do you get erect?" - it's a pump, after they create the scrotum (they use the labia for this), you get your pump installed into your main hand side (ex. My pump is on the right testie), and the other testie is just an implant. I squeeze my pump (or my partner), and then saline water is pumped from the testicle into two tubes (one on each side on my penis). Creating a natural looking erection besides having to pump. It only takes about six pumps for me. Doesn't take much effort. I have a three part inflatable device.

"How do you "deflate"/ go down after an erection" -on the testie that is the pump, there is a small button above it, it is actually kind of a small box with a button on it. I hold the button for about 15 seconds and just let my erection naturally go down.

"How many surgeries does it take?" - well, I guess four in total. You have your hysterectomy (which included for me a complete oophorectomy as well, recent advancements in this procedure have made it so an oophorectomy is now optional), then your phalloplasty the building and attaching of the phallis and vaginectomy only at this part. The next surgery was to connect my urethral, called urethra lengthening. The last surgery was to install the penile pump and testicular implant.

"What are the chances it will fall off?" - less than 1% in the hands of a skilled surgeon. (My surgeon told me this information as the source) - note post operative care is the most important part of healing properly.

"Where did they take the skin?" - they took the skin for my phallis from my forearm and used a thin layer of the skin on my upper thigh to cover the tissue left exposed on my arm.

"Do you have any issues today?" - No issues, I've been finished for quite a bit now. I enjoy sex, it feels good. It looks good. I've never been clocked even naked in a locker room. I do dribble sometimes if I hurry while urinating, and I have to use a special technique to ensure 100% emptiness, but I can pee just fine. I found the installation of the pump helps me urinate easier than without.

"Can you ejaculate?" - Yup! I can, at least. I also have pre-ejaculate. I ejaculate almost everytime I orgasm. (With this said, the ability to ejaculate, amount of, and frequency of are all variable factors that can depend on person to person)

"Is the orgasm different?" -yes! It feels better to me. It could be comfort, but ejaculating does feel good when you orgasm. Ejaculating can vary from person to person. This ejacuate is not like cis men's, it is a clear fluid from the Skenes Glands.

"Did you have any major issues?" - not really, I did have to see a wound clinic for my implant surgery. I had wounds that needed care. I got a bladder infection with the catheter during the healing stage of urethral lengthening and had it removed after just over two weeks (it was supposed to be in for six weeks), as a reference though one of my urine bags broke and I had a plastic baggie to try to repair it until I could get a replacement (i had to wait hours), I also have a compromised immune system. For my arm, I wore my compression sleeve 100% of the time, and my arm healed extremely well and flat. You just need to listen to the rules and be sure not to break them.

"Do you have to do anything (e.g weekly)?" - sorta, I have to make sure I pump fully once a week.

"Any issues urinating?" - nope, takes some getting used to, though (standing). I find that I dribble, but it's only when I'm rushing when I shake. I still sit most of the time, it's even very common in cis men as an FYI. (I asked a large group of cismen)

"Does it look real?" -Yes, my wife said she never would have known I was trans until I told her. All penises look different. Even getting an erection looks natural.

"Did you have any corrective surgeries?" -No, I got pretty great results the first time. I do plan on going to closer, regular plastic surgeon to put in a larger implant as my left testicle (non-pumping side).

Have any of your own questions? Send me an ask, I'll be happy to answer!

Stay Golden Everyone ✌️💙💜

[chrimson-oc-central]

Confessing Feelings

This is another long one so I’m putting it under the cut!! (Also please excuse the old art again)

So in my head Chihiro and Neji knew each other since their academy days, so they’ve been friends for a hot minute. As they get older they both kinda have those “??? Are we something more???” kind of feelings.

For Neji those feelings start to creep up after the Chunin Exams when Chihiro came in to check on him after talking with his uncle. She tells him that she was really worried about him, but she’s glad it ended well, and it makes his heart flutter a bit but doesn’t really understand what it means cuz??? Of course she’d be worried??? They’re friends??? And Chihiro is very loyal to her friends. So why does this feel different??? He decides to suppress it cuz… feelings are weird LMAO!

For Chihiro those feelings were way more sudden (poor thing). It happens when she hears about what happened during the Sasuke retrieval mission, and the serious injuries that Neji had and how he would have to go through the tedious surgery to recover (I can’t remember if it was that tedious but it really fucked my head up back in the day so).

She’s sitting next to his hospital bed, tears flowing down her face when her feelings start to hit her. she has the distinct thought of, “I can’t live without him.”

She starts to feel a bit confused about it, and as he recovers she thinks that those extreme feelings she felt were just a result from seeing her oldest friend in such a state and does her best to ignore what she felt.

(Side note that mission was what made her start to develop a bit of a grudge against Sasuke , but that’s a whole other can of worms.)

So through the years those feelings come and go, both of them doing their best to brush them off cuz what if the other one doesn’t like them that way??? (They both like each other they’re just dumb.)

Neji finds himself getting really mad and grumpy whenever he hears how Chihiro was talking to another guy because the elders in her clan want to make sure she’ll eventually get married and have an acceptable heir. And his brain kinda goes like:

“Why are you mad?? She’s the heir of her clan of course her family would want her to meet someone to marry???”

To: “I wanna… hold her hands…”

He doesn’t think he’s worthy enough to be in a relationship with the future head of such an old and proud clan (he is though he just has self esteem issues).

Chihiro has absolutely no interest in any of the men her elders try to match her up with. She only talks to them to get her elders off her back, but she always ends up turning them down. She knows it’s her duty to her clan, but she just can’t see herself with any of those guys???

So one day she’s hanging out with Tenten (they become friends after they both become genin) and she’s venting about all this to her, and Tenten is like, “Well, close your eyes and when you think about marriage and such, what kind of guy do you see??”

So she does that and guess who she sees??? It’s Neji!!!!

Chihiro: uh oh

Tenten asks her what she imagined cuz boy howdy Chihiro’s face is turning quite red, and she ends up turning away and quickly trying to change the subject.

Tenten: *smirks*

Tenten knows they like each other LMAO!

So on the next mission Tenten goes on with her team, she nonchalantly tells Neji that she was talking to Chihiro about those guys she has to go see and how much she wants nothing to do with them, and she sees Neji’s brow ease a bit for a moment. His attitude is suddenly a lot better on that mission.

Tenten: oh yeah, it’s all coming together.

Side note: Lee knows that they have feelings for each other but wants to be respectful towards them both so he doesn’t bring it up often. He sees how much it can pain them.

Ok so this part is so self indulgent it might be a bit too cringey but WHATEVER it makes about as much sense as what happens in canon SO I DON’T CARE!

So fast forwards to THAT Part tm

(Oh also I haven’t gotten this far in the actual show so details might be off because I honestly don’t want to even read about this I’m weak.)

Chihiro refuses to allow him to sacrifice himself. Like she’s frantic. Going a bit feral because why is he doing this?? Why can’t he see how important he is to her??? And that’s when she finally accepts her feelings towards him. And she has a moment of clarity as she pulls out a scroll with her family crest from her pocket.

So this scroll is essentially the Osaka clan’s trump card. In the past it’s only ever been used to protect the clan from wars and especially strong enemies and such.

The scroll can only be used by the head family, and it basically summons the founder of the clan, Omikami (she’s kinda a god/spiritual entity so that’s how this makes sense LMAO).

She merges herself with Chihiro, and it’s a massive power boost; nearly unlimited chakra, hundreds of years of battle experience and skills, etc., etc.

And she uses this power to pretty much shatter the threat (again haven’t gotten this far in Shippuden yet so I don’t know exact details I’m sorry) and/or ends up sealing it up in a huge sakura tree that will feed off whatever’s left of it until the end of time (this makes about as much sense as stuff that happens in canon and that’s my excuse).

Of course, that much power comes at a high cost. You don’t get nearly god like powers for free after all (unless you’re Naruto I guess but this ain’t about him).

Once she’s completely done with the fight, they separate again, and Chihiro is so weak she can barely stand. Neji runs up to her to help her, and he’s still so shaken he kinda yells at her for doing that. He feels a bit bad and apologizes to her, and he shakily asks why she would do such a thing, to use such ancient power for a mere branch member of the Hyuga clan.

She kinda laughs and whispers, “you’re the most important person to me. I’m… pretty sure I’m in love with you.”

He just kinda stares at her, not sure what to say. Everything and nothing are running through his head all at once. The only thing that’s clear is her, lying in his arms looking up at him with those blue eyes. She’s literally covered in dirt and blood but to him, in that moment, she’s the prettiest woman he’d ever seen.

Their moment is kinda ruined as Omikami approaches them in her wolf form. She doesn’t say anything but instead just kinda looks at Chihiro. She just kinda nods, and tries to stand on her own again. She has to give her payment for that power with her life, so her power and experience can be added the next time the scroll is used.

Neji is furious. She keeps trying to explain everything to him, but he’s not having it. She just told him something like that and now she has to die??

He grabs her wrist and yanks her away from the wolf, and he offers himself in her place; she’s too important! She’s her clan’s only heir! She has so much she has left to do!

Him offering himself pisses off Chihiro big time.

“I did this for YOU! For YOUR life! You can’t just throw it away like this!!”

Besides, Osaka blood is needed for the sealing to work; it’ll just fail without it and like… things will explode etc. etc. it’s not good.

He just huffs and grabs her hand as she reaches out to offer herself up. Their fingers intertwine, and if it wasn’t for the situation that they were in, it probably would’ve been calming. He looks right at the entity before them in the eye.

“You need a full human life for payment, right?” He asks, “then take half of mine and half of hers. Your payment would be satisfied, and she lives.”

Chihiro protests, saying that it can’t work like that, that what if they end up dead, what if it’s not enough, etc. etc.

And he tells her that if all else fails, he’ll fight for her, just like how she fought for him.

Omikami just kinda smiles, and she walks over and touches her nose onto both of their hands; she accepts those terms.

Next thing he knows Neji is waking up in an infirmary, and the first thing he asks the nurse is where Chihiro is and if she’s ok.

The nurse tells him that she’s still unconscious and hasn’t woken up yet.

They made him stay in the hospital to keep an eye on him, and a few days later Tenten and Lee run into his room and tell him that she’s finally woken up. He clambers out of his bed, the nurses telling at him not to move too quickly but he doesn’t care!! He asks Tenten and Lee to take him to her room.

They agree (obviously LOL), and Sakura is in her room with her, checking her vitals and keeps reassuring her that Neji is ok (they’re so dumb they both nearly died, and they just keep asking about the other).

He nearly breaks the door open (bruh it’s fine it’s not locked lol) and his breath hitches when he sees her; she still looks really tired, and a bit out of it. But her eyes meet him and she smiles weakly at him.

Even though there were three other people in the room, he decides to just break character and rushes to embrace her. he held her so close, but not too tight cuz he doesn’t want to hurt her. He feels himself choke up as tears start to flow down his face, but he doesn’t care; he’s just relieved that she’s still here with him.

He turns to her whispers, just so she can hear, how much he loves her too.

She slowly pulls her arms around him as well, and they kinda let each other just sink into each other. At that moment they both decide that they can’t live without the other.

And they’re 100% gonna fight the elders and get married cuz BOO HOO THEY LOVE EACH OTHER SO THEY’RE GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT!

[luukeskywalker]

hey! it's okay if you don't want to answer, but how's it going after top surgery???? have you healed well? did it help? :)

oh hi i don't mind at all!!! here's a blanket tw in advance for discussion of surgery and a little bit of gross medical stuff!

it's been over a year now since my surgery and tbh it's been going really really well! i was actually thinking about this the other day, i know a lot of people have mentioned lately that it's completely normal to be uncomfortable, anxious, or even depressed about your results right after seeing them for the first time (and i understand why! it is a surgery, your body is experiencing a traumatic kind of event even if it's something it desperately needs!) but i never felt that way about my results. i was ecstatic from the first time i saw my scars and my frankenstein nipples to now, with my faded scars and healed up nipples. and for the record, not keeping your nipples does mean a less vigorous recovery process (as you don't have to have them cut off + sewn back on) but i thought it was worth it for myself!

i actually took really good care of my body as i was healing for those first ~5 months or so, but tbh the most work i had to do was for my nipples. they were kind of freaky to look at i will admit! but i thought it was fun, i mean i couldn't even feel them at all so i wasn't really scared. i had to apply a lot of moisturizer to them and wear bandages over them for months to make sure they healed correctly - meanwhile for my scars, once they'd healed up i massaged them every day for about 5 minutes at a time, i took to listening to a podcast while massaging them to pass the time LOL. massaging your scars helps break down the scar tissue and keeps them, um, softer i guess? if you want less noticeable scars then i recommend doing a lot of massaging. i did enough that my scars are still plenty noticeable but still relatively thin! when i visited my surgeon for my 1 year post op he was shocked at how nice my scars had looked! i could probably start massaging them again if i wanted to, it's not as if it'll be quite as effective now a year and a half later, but it's also just nice to get acquainted with my little guys now and again :3

i think the scariest parts of the immediate recovery were the drains and the compression vest. the drains lasted a week and i actually healed really quickly so i never had a lot of drainage in the first place, but it was scary having little tubes coming out of you! they didn't hurt at all but i was always so afraid of snagging them on something LMAO. the drain removal was terrifying but it lasted literally seconds and it didn't hurt at all. it felt like spaghetti coming out of my sides?? but like not painful?? idk it was weird. the compression vest i had to wear for like a month to keep the swelling down and even though i didn't like wearing it that much, i always felt extremely anxious when i didn't have it on. i ended up buying another one because the one i had gotten before my surgery kind of sucked, the second one i got (from marena!) was really great, gave me the perfect amount of compression, and wasn't really uncomfortable to wear. and i wore a LOT of button ups, i was so afraid for the longest time to lift my hands above my head for any reason hahaha

anyways that's what i remember from the very beginning of my recovery, nowadays i don't really have any necessary healing tasks but my scars will continue to heal and fade even now! i think it's like ~3 years or so of healing? but my own part in it is largely over, it's just my body now 🥰 i don't regret it even for a second, i'm happy with my results and feel comfortable looking at myself in the mirror, in fact i still spend a lot of time looking at my scars HAHA i just think they're so cool!!

as for sensation, my chest still has dulled feeling in a few places (mostly near the nipples) but i can actually feel most of everything on my scars, which is something i hadn't expected. but potentially losing feeling there wasn't really something i cared about too much. i didn't like the sensation i got in my chest before top surgery, and losing that was honestly kind of a relief?? but what i have now i'm comfortable with. i think it's funny when like i can feel a shirt brush against my nipples i always stop for a second and go AYO YOU WOKE UP??? - and since my body is still healing, there's a chance i will get more sensation in my chest over time.

i still get dysphoria over other aspects of myself but tbh the biggest problem i had is now gone and i feel so much happier. 2022 was a complete shit show of a year for me but even in my worst moments, being able to touch my scars and realize i'd Done That was enough to cheer me up. i think it's a very big decision and one you shouldn't make lightly, as it costs a lot of money and takes a lot of work in recovery, but it's absolutely something worth looking into if you're interested. sorry for the long response!! it's funny that you asked though because i have been kind of sentimental about my surgery lately!!

[starocean]

not to be an asshole or a whiner but i have been stressed and need to rant a little to let it out so please feel free to ignore, it’s just work related stuff

(technically they’re all my coworkers, but i don’t wanna use names so i just refer to them like this)

so, coworker got into an accident and she’ll be out for the next four days. no big deal, i can push my vacation back even if i am the tiniest bit sad i can’t take it rn. i won’t even lie about that. but i’m not at mad at her at all. 

but i am upset that my manager didn’t even offer to let me take next weekend off. she just told me we’d talk about me taking vacation time. and that kind of set me off and i spent like a whole hour crying because i’m just. so tired. i work six days a week. in the last three to four months, i have worked multiple 9 to 13 day “weeks” without a single day off. i rarely ever ask for time off, and what time off i do get is usually interrupted by work for some reason or other, even during vacation. i have an autoimmune disorder that makes me physically weaker than i used to be. just a few days ago, i had to stop doing stock because my shoulders were causing me so much pain i was almost nauseated and fighting back tears.

i’m not like the asm, who bitches and bitches and bitches and bitches when she can’t take time off (who, by the way, spent most of last year trying to get out of work and almost got let go for being a liability bc she kept getting injured at work and filing for worker’s comp. which seems unfair but these injuries were all extremely minor, so minor that a doctor wouldn’t even give her more than a day off work bc it wasn’t necessary, and all happened in less than six months. and when you’re the only one getting injured but your coworkers aren’t and none of the customers are reporting anything hazardous, HR starts getting suspicious. they told her they were going to start investigating her if she reported another injury too soon, and guess what? she stops getting hurt. amazing. she only wanted the worker’s comp bc it would get her more time off work while giving her a paycheck, but that’s not the point. 

and she also had the fuckin’ audacity to lie about my performance to the sm, and yes i am still upset about that bc i’ve actually done way more than the asm has and the sm’s even said so herself, like fuck the asm for real i cannot stand her) 

she’s gotten mad at me before for requesting vacation time before she puts her request in, and even angry at me for getting the rare satuday off bc she thinks she’s the only one who deserves a saturday off, apparently. i don’t get weekend days off much. like 99% of my off-days are during the week. she also acts like she’s the only one to work 9 to 13 days in a row without time off, and she hates being contracted on all of the above. i’ve had to show her our schedules before and go back month by month showing her what days she worked and had off compared to what i did. as you can guess, she was not happy about the physical proof being put in front of her lmao.

(and let me get this off my chest real quick because this one really fuckin pissed me off. this fuckin cunt tried to get me to come in on a day off that i specifically requested and was granted to be able to take care of my mother after her surgery. one of the newbies quit, and she sends me a text saying, “so-and-so quit, i need you come in and work tonight.” and of course i told her sorry ass no, that i had to be there for my mother. not sorry at all, my family and their health takes priority over work, especially since that was scheduled time off approved by the sm. the fucking disregard you have to demand i come in despite knowing i’m watching over my mother’s health. cover the damn shift yourself, asshole.)

the only time i have ever spoken up about not having certain days off is when i’d been given a saturday off and the sm tried to take it from me without even attempting to communicate with me about it. and then she tried to guilt trip me for that by saying she would have to pull a double, and i had to hold myself back from saying something snarky about how it’s literally her job, as per corporate policy, to fill in for an employee who cannot make their scheduled shift if no other employee can cover it. i was also miffed she didn’t even bother asking if i was okay with that. like, she didn’t say shit to me about it. no text message, no phone call, nothing from any other employee. nada. she got the next day off anyways, so idk why she was bitching. maaayybee she should have had the courtesy to, oh i dunno, ask me if i could cover? but she didn’t, so no i don’t feel bad about her pulling that double shift. ANYWAYS, not the point. i mean, sort of.

anyways, kind of tying back into the first part: coworker got hurt, and i volunteered to coworker directly that if she needed me to give up my vacation to cover her shifts, i would. we don’t always get along, but we definitely get along better than the asm and I do. maybe this is petty, atp i don’t really care, but the asm thanked me for volunteering. and i had to fight not to tell her to fuck off, that i wasn’t doing it for her, i was doing it for my coworker. it was the right thing to do, and if coworker had wanted to, she could’ve called it a favor for switching days with me once when i’d gotten too sick to attend work a few months ago. and i knew damn well that the asm wouldn’t give up any of her time off to fill in, bc she’d outright rejected mine and other coworkers’ requests for us to switch shifts when we’d been too sick or hurt to come in, and has often refused to cover shifts for employees who quit. obvious pattern of behavior there.

basically i’m just, like. bummed out. and burned out. i have dedicated so much time to this job with nothing to show. a shitty wage that i can’t even get a raise on bc i’ve apparently “hit the cap” for my position (bunch of fucking bullshit honestly), and my physical and mental health deteriorating by the minute. (which, i know that seems stupid to say after having a possible opportunity to get a different job, but all the research i put into that one (which i should’ve done first. hindsight is 20/20) showed it wouldn’t be much better than my current job. who knows. if i get desperate enough, i may just try my shot with them again.) and little time off. 

i just want decent time off. to just sit at home and relax, and not be bothered by something work related unless it’s an emergency. 

i’ll delete this later

[pepsicolabunches]

Getting a bit really stressed about my roommates not working. One is making ei so there's at least some money coming in for rent, but the other quit her job a couple months ago (right after we moved to the new, big house) and has had to ask for everyone else to cover her portion of the rent...

I can't really help much because I don't really even make enough for food, let alone an entire other persons rent

To be clear, I'm not asking tumblr to help with my financial struggles. If you want to help people, there are countless people in crisis that you can donate to. There are people in your own community who could use that help.

I just need somewhere to vent about the fear I'm feeling about my situation. If we get evicted because we couldn't pay rent, I'm absolutely certain I won't be able to find another place, and could end up homeless which, as a disabled person barely holding on, sometimes in constant pain, I can tell you that I will not make it on the streets.

Luckily I do have people in my life that I can temporarily move in with, but not with my stuff. And I do have a lot of stuff. Mostly books and clothes. Almost all the books I've lugged with me across Canada, through my many many moves.

I'm very grateful for consistently having a place to live, enough to slowly acquire many things. Not things that are worth anything, I can't sell them or anything. And I don't want to. Maybe it's a bit selfish but I've worked my ass off dealing with working while being in severe pain. Working while recovering from surgeries. Also, as a person living in poverty, having things means I don't need to buy those things. Which is good because I do not have the funds to just buy things when I need them.

Most of my things I've had for most of my life.

Idk

Idk where my brain was going with this I just... Idk I'm making this about me I suppose. And also about so many other people struggling through poverty. It's like, really really expensive to not have the money for things. I buy cheap items because I can't afford expensive things. I buy things when they are on sale even if I can't afford them because I know it will last longer than buying it cheap.

I've messed up my guts cuz I haven't eaten properly in more than a decade. Not having enough energy to make food means I have to buy things that are really easy to make. Sometimes I have to bite the bullet and spend so much fucking money on getting food delivered because I'm in so much pain I can barely walk to the bathroom, let alone the grocery store and then also making food. Last month I cried making a sandwich because it was too painful.

I guess this is about fear. I'm already aware that there aren't really any systems in place to help people who need it. The systems in place are overworked because they aren't funded properly. They don't really have any solutions for ppl struggling to make rent/buy food. Definitely no solutions for people who are poor and also have health issues. For some reason they expect disabled people to be able to access the same solutions which, often is not possible.

Doctors keep suggesting my roommates act as some kind of a care aide, getting my food, making my food, helping with cleaning, driving me places. But also don't think I have severe enough pain to actually suggest getting a care aide. They just assume my friends/partner are fully willing and able to support me out of the goodness of their hearts. As if the people around me are not also struggling. As if I could just put the responsibility of taking care of a person onto someone who very much did not offer their help. And they shouldn't. I'm absolutely not putting myself in the situation where I am at the mercy of other people's unpaid labour. These are my friends, not my personal workers.

I was trying to get a service dog, but they cost a whopping $40,000. I cannot afford $300/month for food, so there's not a chance in hell I could ever get one. The nonprofit organization that might have covered the cost of it is already full (waitlist also full) so if that ever happens it will be years from now.

Every solution requires a lot of effort (that, again, I do not have the energy for). Every problem requires solutions that do not exist.

I'm doing the absolute best I can and I'm just, acutely aware that it is not enough.

Feeling the weight of stress piling up on me... When I ask for relief, all I get is more steps to climb.

Feeling trapped in this body which is absolutely constantly reminding me of how I am unable to do the things I need to do. If it's not one thing, it's another. I had 7 months of every day pain so bad I had to go to the er many times. Do I know why? No. I'm just grateful I have had a couple weeks of not that specific type of pain. Not that I'm pain free of course. Going to the grocery store a couple blocks away, filling up a rolling cart ($130 of food that won't even last me a week), not making it home without crying because I can feel bones scraping together in my hips (no, not arthritis, just cuz it wants to :))

Genuinely, not sure what I'm supposed to do. Everything I do feels like too much and also not enough. Feels like I'll never climb out of the hole I've wiggled my way into.

So terrified that I will have to deal with all of this while also not having stable housing

Im not expecting anyone to read all of this, I'm just, needing to put this somewhere. Getting the stress out of my brain (hopefully)

[a-drop-of-nightshade]

He slowly let go of her and eased himself upright with a grimace, he ached all over, his lip was split and he had taken some hits to the face rather well, didn’t he headbutt someone at one point? That would probably explain the headache. He saw a ping on his RIG and he rolled his eyes, he fiddled a bit and his RIG finally blinked and flickered before turning blue, the stupid thing was always glitching out.

“Well cause usually people take one look at me after waking up from being drunk and either scream something, puke or punch me and run. Or kick me out of the bed, most don’t really like waking up to this face.” The synthetic voice continued, it was clear he couldn’t talk by normal means anymore. “Not sure if a coyote moment is any better though.” He replied, his voice was rather monotonous, after all it was rather hard to show emotion through a thought to audio processing chip that allowed him to talk.

The L was no better off, where he had skin it was covered in scars, be it surgery or fights, she would probably recognise the wounds left by necromorphs, from bites to the slashed and stabs. Setting his bare feet on the floor his legs were covered in bandages too, but his feet, like his hands, were also covered in surgical scars and as he stretched there was a sudden popping and his eyes widened as he doubled over with a slight choking cough blood dribbled from his lips, he grimaced before wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. That probably wasn’t good.

“Well at least they were kind enough to give us a room.” He remarked, quite obviously sarcastically with the look on his face. He twitched as the clothes were thrown but just eased up before grabbing his pants and slipping them on with a wince off pain, it hurt to move and his insides felt like mush. He lifted his head, “L, but I guess you met any L’s, so Phoenix works.” He replied, seeing her bra on the ceiling fixture he frowned, he felt like he knew why, but his head was so hazy and throbbing with a mixture of a hangover and a concussion that he couldn’t remember.

He raised a hand and activated his kineses module to draw the bra off the fixture and to him, he looked at it and then at her amused, “Not bad.” He teased, standing up he was a little taller than most L’s, but nowhere near as tall as the necromorph version of himself. He stood at around 6ft, although he wobbled slightly pain bursting through his leg, was it broken? Probably, but it wasn’t the first time he’d had to walk on a broken leg, hell, he’d ran. He held out the bra too her amused, “Apparently something fun happened.”

@a-drop-of-nightshade

Izzy woke up with a groan. Her head was pounding and her eyes blurry. She remembered getting drug to a party and seeing a bunch of her alters there. She'd gotten into a massive brawl and come out in the top five fighters. She still had bruises and gashes all over her body from that. Tasting blood on her tongue she froze. That was definitely not hers. Did she bite someone while she'd been high on adrenaline and drunk?

Moving to get up she froze as there were a set of arms wrapped around her legs. Flipping the covers off she saw some stranger holding onto her legs and looking just as beat up as she was. Where the hell had he come from? Swallowing hard she tried to carefully untangle herself from his arms so she could sneak away before he woke up.

[bots-and-cons]

Can I get a Dreadwing Pining scenario? Something angst and romantic 😍

I just did something pretty simple, not particularly angsty but oh well. Dreadwing is in love with con!reader and the reader gets injured pretty badly, which prompts him to confess his feelings to them

Dreadwing was on a mission with you, but things went south, fast. You got hit quite badly, but he managed to fight off the two autobots that had attacked you.

“Frag” you groaned and put your servo to your side in an attempt to stop the enegon bleeding out of your wound. It hurt so much you felt like you were about to pass out.,

“We need to get you back to the Nemesis, you require medical attention” Dreadwing said, his optics focused on your injured side.

“Help me up, I can walk” you said with a pained expression as you attempted to get up from the ground.

Dreadwing picked you up in his arms which caused you to yelp in surprise and pain.

“I said I can walk” you protested, but let him start walking towards the groundbridge while carrying you.

“It’s easier this way, besides, if you attempt to move, you will make the bleeding worse” Dreadwing said, not looking at you.

He carried you all the way to the Nemesis’ medbay and set you down on the operation table. Dreadwing then ordered Knockout to patch you up and he then left the room.

Dreadwing wasn’t really sure how he was feeling. He was quite sure he hadn’t visibly panicked when you got hit, but in his head he had been freaking out. He hated to even think about losing you. He couldn’t bear the thought, so he decided that when your surgery was over, he would tell you how he felt.

The surgery took much longer than he thought Dreadwing thought it would. He knew Knockout was usually quite swift and very skillful with his operations, but it took worryingly long this time around.

When Knockout finally emerged from the medbay, Dreadwing immediately confronted him about why it had taken so long.

“Hey hey, calm down and I’ll tell you” Knockout said, raising his servos in front of him.

“Fine, talk”

“There were some complications, nothing I couldn’t handle, but it did require some extra work, which is why the whole thing took so long. They’re resting now, but you can go sit with them if you want to. They might not wake up for a few hours though”

“Understood” Dreadwing said and pushed past the medic to go into the medbay.

Knockout was of course right, you didn’t wake up for hours. When you did however, Dreadwing was still pacing around the room.

“Hey, why are you here?” you asked, still a bit groggy.

“I just wanted to talk to you” Dreadwing said and leaned against one of the counters.

“Have you been waiting here the whole time?” you asked with an amused smirk.

“Yes, but what does that matter?”

“It’s just kind of nice, I didn’t know you cared for me like that” you said, pushing yourself up to a sitting position.

“Of course I care about you. Have I given you the impression I don’t?”

“Well, you know we decepticons aren’t exactly a warm and fuzzy bunch”

“That we are not”

“But hey, it’s nice to have someone who cares” you shrugged, hopping down from the table.

A jolt of pain made you fall forward, but Dreadwing broke your fall by catching you, supporting you with his arm.

“Sorry about that, I guess I’m not really ready to be walking around yet”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be here until you are” Dreadwing said.

“Promise?” you asked, looking up at him.

“Yes, I promise” he said with a soft expression on his face.

You’d never seen such a look on his face before. It was odd, but you also found it very pleasant. That softness in his optics was new, and you wanted to see it more.

Dreadwing couldn’t bring himself to tell you he loved you after all, but this was enough for now. Maybe someday in the future he would be brave enough.

[howdoesagrapewrites]

All yours, Babooshka.

Tags: Yelena x fem!reader, soulmate!au, fluff with a bit of angts, historically completely incorrect, happy ending.

TW: depiction of war, brief mention of sex, homophobic slur a few times, suicide.

Synopsis: War is no place for loving, it never was, but maybe you could love her again in the 21 Century, i mean, only if you could stop feeling so overwhelmed by her only existence, but no matter what, you can't stop something that's meant to be.

Notes: one, i don't like the part 4, it just feels lazy to me, and two, i'm not a native, so please tell me if i made a mistake <3

Part one: When she was beautiful.

Yelena Armanovna, as strong as ten soldiers, the jewel of the battlefield, once was just a kid, her land was destroyed by the war, and as the only child of the house, she was forced to join the army, or else die there, she became a soldier, and she desired that the war wasn't real, that she hadn't being born into this world, that no one had. 

Everyone knew that she didn't talk a lot, most of their fellow soldiers didn't even knew where she came from, or if she was even from Russia, the only one she talked to was a nurse, her name was y/n y/ln, and like Yelena, no one knew about her origin, the nurse was way more talkative than Yelena, but she was assigned to other areas, staying with older soldiers, child soldiers, or severely injured soldiers, she was called by the child soldiers "angel", because of her comforting aura in hard times like those. 

These women wouldn't be able to meet eachother if it wasn't for the near-death experience Yelena faced one time. She got shot by a hidden enemy, fainted from the blood loss and was taken to the nursery right away, they couldn't afford to lose her. That's when you saw the look in her eyes, that look, and you knew that death was upon the jewel of the battlefield, and you knew that if she died, everyone else will die, you tried as hard as you could to stay cool during the surgery, but you were breaking, because of all the hope that was layed on her shoulders, she was the hope of everyone else in that place to return home someday, even if Russia didn't won the war, her strenght will keep a few alive. So there you were, assisting the surgery of the one that could do something to keep everybody safe and triying to act like it didn't meant a thing. At the end, she survived, and with her, the dreams of returning to your home, you were the one assigned to take care of her, and you were  going to make sure Yelena survived.

Part two: Uncanny how she remind her of her little lady. 

—"¿Yelena Armanovna?" You asked to the blonde girl laying on the bed. 

"Yes" she answered without taking her deep eyes out of the book. 

You told her that it was your bed she was in, pointing at your last name on the post-it next to the bed, then showing her the same mark on the bed across the room where it said: "J. Armanovna". 

"Ah, i hate when they misspeal it, it's Yelena with a "Y". Well, sorry, but this is the only bed i can sleep in, i'm kinda tall, you can use mine, i will give you a cookie for your kindness." She concluded with a little smile, you notices how her voice was way sweeter than you could think considering how menacing her looks were. 

At the end you decided to let her keep the bed, thinking it wouldn't mean anything, how wrong you were, now you could look at her sleeping without moving from the bed, and you did it, you thought it was so creepy and you wanted to stop, but you couldn't, why? Why were you obsessed with the sight of her closed eyes and dry lips at night? Why did she gave you this insane feeling of comfort and loss at the same time? It was so uncanny. 

No matter how weird It felt, you couldn't escape from Yelena, she was your roommate, and your classmate in some of your classes, on top of that, she was quite nice, a very smart lady with a pleasent personality, so you had no excuse to be mean or distant whenever she asked about your day, or started a small talk when the professor was late. Along with that sort-of friendship, you also knew Yelena's group; a beautiful girl with raven hair named Pieck, a blonde sarcastic man named Zeke, sometimes his brother Eren, and Hanji, a very excentric and funny person. These people were good friends to you, more than you expected, and that confirmed you: there was nothing wrong about Yelena, and you had no reason to be disturbed by her… Well, to be honest, there it was a little thing that made you upset, Pieck said that Yelena liked Zeke, again, you had no reason to be mad, but you were anyway. Why did you felt so attached to this lady? Why did you did what you did? 

It was 2:00 am, you couldn't sleep and you were so ashamed of being doing what that thing, what thing? Writing a love letter, a love letter to Yelena, with a pseudonym, with the first word that popped into your head: "Babooshka". You put perfume on the paper, and you signed it under that name, a scented letter, when you were finished, you let the envelope under your bed, and let it on Yelena's locker. 

Part three: How she was before the tears.

She woke up, feeling dazed and almost disappointed for being alive, when Yelena saw you, she recognized you for the stories of her colleagues, "Angel?" She guessed. 

"Hello", you smiled and giggle a bit for that nickname, "My name is y/n y/ln, and i will take care of you until you are better"

"If i'm with you means i'm already dead, you only take care of the ones that are almost there." Yelena asserted with a careless attitude. 

You wanted to protest, but it was meaningless, you wouldn't make her upset in her state, "May i ask how is your wound feeling? Are you in pain?" You kept that polite and sweet smile on your face. 

You kept taking care of Yelena, she healed way too soon, her body wanted to stay alive, but you couldn't say the same thing about her. You got to meet the real jewel of the battlefield, she told you her story, and you told her yours, you two knew everything about eachother, likes, dislikes, and sad pasts. You noticed how Yelena cried softly whenever she thought about her life before, her life before the tears, before the war, when she felt happy. And you also noticed that you could erase that tears, the touch between your soft hands and her ser face, was something magical, something that nobody could understand in that moment, but you two? You knew everything about it, about that love touch, those secret beautiful instants you shared. 

You were the one crying when Yelena got better, you were joyful for her recovery, but you knew that she had to go, and after that, you were going to lose her forever, or so you thought. "We can send eachother letters, and we can meet at night." She reassured you while you were laying on her chest, skin to skin, she kissed your forehead and caressed your cheeks with her strong and graceful hands, you purred at her cuddled your body in hers, you liked to kiss her scars, she had so many, it showed how determined she was on the battle and you liked that, the eyes and body of a soldier, and the heart of a suave lover, Yelena was always elegant, her movements could been rough and beastily, but she was soft and neat, whether i'll be fighting, talking, or embracing you. You could say with pride that only you knew this side of Yelena Armanovna, the subtle dominance she always established on her manner mixed with the chivalry and dulcet, that made the blonde woman truly enticing and amusing to anyone with enough luck to discover it.  

You knew that your letters to Yelena couldn't be too suspicious, so you took advantage of the fact that no one knew a thing about her, "Babooshka", was the pseudonym you choose, because everyone was going to think that it was from Yelena's grandmother. 

Your first letter to her, was this one: 

"My dearest Yelena, even though i promised that i wouldn't miss you too much, you have been away for three days and i'm already feeling the lack of your touch, and missing your dark eyes that make me shiver every time. I always thought that i would die without having loved, but you prove me wrong, i love you, i love every part of you, if i could picture perfection, it would be you, your laugh, your hair, the way you talk about home, everything about you would fit the word "perfect".

I swear to God and every star on the sky, that someday i will marry you, someday i will call you my wife, and you will be fully mine, and i will be fully yours. I know that you may think i'm silly because of this wish, but i know in my guts that i will become your wife, no matter how many years or Centuries i have to wait to do it.

All yours, Babooshka." 

When Yelena read the letter, she felt nothing but joy, she couldn't use words to describe how in love she was with everyone of your words, and giggled at the idea of marriage, of course she would marry you, she would marry you all the times that she could, she will make you hers every time, and she would submit herself to you every time. 

The two lovers kept sending and receiving love letters, and meeting at the comfort and hacen of the night, with only starts and the moon herself as a witness, sharing the intimacy of loving, not always touching two bodies, but the touch of two souls, two tormented souls who found love in a hopeless place.

It has been almost a year since the letters and secret meetings started to happen, Yelena and y/n couldn't be more in love, but tragedy was upon them. A soldier named Floch, started to notice the letters, and one day, he intercepted one, the love words were obviously not from Yelena's grandmother, and with fear of the jewel of the battlefield getting courted by a man who could get her pregnant and useless, this soldier tried to trace the letters, he spend days getting up triying to catch the mailman, and when he did it, he noticed that there wasn't an adress, so it must have been another soldier. After waiting for the guilty one to put the letter on the mail box, he saw y/n y/ln, the nurse, the angel, being a witness of how Satán corrupted the two women into a sapphic relationship, he ran into his superior's arms, showing him the evidence and warning him that given the nature of the letters, he may be grossed out by the devil's pervertion in the two women. 

The superior gave orders of keeping Armanovna here, and taking the nurse away, into a convertion field. 

Yelena was lucky to hear it, and she ran the fastest that she could into the critical patients nursery, where Y/N was. "Babooshka", she whispered at your ear while grabbing your arm yo take you away, you followed her into the woods. "What happened?" You asked with confution, you saw the look of pure fear un Yelena's eyes.

"They are going to tear us apart, they are are going to take you away, they will torture you there", she was ay the edge of crying, and so did you. 

"What can we do?" You couldn't think anything, you were all feelings

"Die, that's our only option, if we run away they will find anyway." The tall one tried to stay calm, failing

"You can't die, you mean hope for everyone!" Your conscience was heavy, you couldn't let Yelena die for you

"Y/n… You are the love of my life, if they take you away, i will kill myself anyway, i can't live without you, i can't just survive anymore, i need to live, when i'm with you i'm alive." Yelena wrapped you in a hug and you felt the tears falling on her face.

At the end, you agreed, Yelena already had a little bottle hidden in her uniform, you both took  sips until the bottle was empty, and you kissed and felt eachother like never before, because it was the last time, those were your last hours of life. You passed away after two hours, you were sleeping in Yelena's arms, while she was singing a lullaby from her hometown. 

She started with a cracked voice; "I know i do not have silver or gold like many others,

but i promise that i will wrap my bride in silk"  she stopped to cry a little.

"and i will love her with such depht,

that all my lacks she will forget, 

and she will love until the end… "

Yelena cried louder, and before falling asleep, and looked at your corpse with adoration.

I'm all yours, Babooshka. 

Part four: Babooshka

She woke up, ready for the exams, dressed with her usual suit, and put a lucky charm on her pocket. 

She was getting to class when she remembered, "my lucky pen is in my locker", so she went to get it, and saw a letter that fell sloppylly on her perfectly organized locker. She looked at the envelope and read "Babooshka", It clearly wasn't from her grandmother, one, because she would have written in "the tongue of mother Russia", two, because she was a bitter old woman that didn't write her, never, not even on her birthday, and three, because it was on her locker, not the mailbox. She opened it go find a love letter that has essence of a known perfume, she received the letter with a strange delight, smelling it and making a place on her locker for the piece of paper. 

These letters came one by one every week, and she knew they were from y/n, but Yelena couldn't help to love the letters, and she wanted to keep collecting more and more. 

She decided to shoot her shot after two months, when you two were studying together, she kissed your lips out of nowhere, leaving you completely confused and flustered.

"I- i thought you liked Zeke…" 

"Oh, i did" Yelena acted so shamelessly "But then you came."

"Do you say that a lot?" You asked annoying trying to shield from your notorious blush

"No, just you, Babooshka. I don't know why, but you make me fee… alive? I feel so close to you since i saw you." 

You didn't know what to do, you felt the same way, and you were way too nervous to think a witty reprise. 

"Why did you choose the pseudonym Babooshka?" Yelena have been wanting to ask you for a long time. 

"For real? I don't know, it just, familiar? I guess" 

"Ok, then" she smiled and pulled you closer

"I'm all yours, Babooshka."

[peralta-guaranteed]

good trope or bad trope: one of them waking up from surgery or something and being so high on drugs they forget they're together and the other has to explain it

good trope GOOD trope good trope! and this was probably just a question but I couldn't resiiiist

-*-

It's kind of sad to think about the fact that Amy is already used to monitors beeping in a cold hospital room around her squad and, mostly, around her partner. They've been in so many horrible situations, so many little moments where she's had to worry about them, that today she's almost glad she doesn't have to. Jake's surgery had neither been scheduled nor planned, and there had been a whole lot of panic leading up to it when she drove him to the hospital wincing in pain, his arms clutched around his lower stomach, but the doctor's told her they came in early enough for it to be a more routine procedure rather than an emergency. And now his appendix was out, and he would be hurting and healing for a while, but the trepidation about that is nowhere close to the fear she's used to feeling while sitting in these uncomfortable hospital chairs, wondering when the person in the bed next to her would wake up. The last time she'd been in this position, Rosa was hooked up to so many many more machines, and she looked like a bad wax figurine of herself, all pale and stiff.

Jake looks almost fine, no breathing mask or tube down his nostril, just a little beeping heart monitor and some infusion in his arm. The nurse told her he'd be waking up soon when she lead her into the room, and that they could probably go home later that evening already.

(She also told her that he'd been one of the more amusing patients she'd had under anesthesia, which was not a surprise, and that he'd been asking for her every time he groggily opened his eyes for just a few seconds, which was not a surprise either.)

He blinks awake slowly, eyes darting around the room as if to figure out where he is, before they land on her and stay stuck, his forehead creasing in confusion for a second before he grins.

"Heyyyy, it'sa Santiago!" He tries in a croaky voice, and Amy reaches for the cup of ice water the nurse brought in to hand it to him. He's shaky, but he can handle it alone, she notes almost subconsciously - she remembers enough moments where she's had to feed him ice chips instead because he could barely move his arms.

"Hey." She answers with a softer smile as he gulps down almost the whole cup - considering he still hates water, he must really need it. "How are you feeling?"

"Oh, just splendid, thanks." He quips before trying to sit up more and wincing, the stitches in his stomach upset. "What the hell did I do this time to end up here?"

"What?"

"I mean, I don't remember a chase or a fight, but it sure feels like I took a knife to the stomach or something?"

They look at each other, equally confused, before Amy shakes her head.

"You dont remember-? It wasn't a work thing, Jake, your appendix almost burst."

"Ah dang. That's not even a cool story for a new scar." He sighs as he leans back a bit against the pillow and carefully palms the space where she knows the skin is going to be light pink and rougher than usual from now on. "Sorry they made you wait around for my stupid ass to recover, or is the squad at least taking turns?"

She stares at him, her mind racing, and it seems to make him nervous. He's still trying to go for that usual grin, but his eyes are darting around, sticking to parts of her without looking directly into her eyes, and she can see he's getting fidgety. Mixing that with what he's saying, and the way he's saying it - his voice is different, somehow, more - guarded, or distant, it's hard to explain, but she only remembers it from a long time ago - makes her suddenly realise.

He's been given some very heavy duty painkillers and narcotics, she hears the nurse's voice in her head, so he might be disoriented or confused for quite a while. It shows differently in lots of people, so I can't tell you what to expect, but he'll be back to normal once it passes through his system.

He doesn't remember, she thinks. He doesn't remember... a lot.

"Jake." She gets his nervous attention back, trying to school her voice into something calm and friendly, instead of the equally nervous and somewhat excited giggle she wants to let out so bad. "I think you're still working through your medication. Can you tell me what the last thing you remember is?"

He leans back again and stares at the ceiling, and it's hard to read the emotions on his face.

"Just... regular work stuff, to be honest. Nothing big."

"Okay, then what is the last big thing you can think of?"

"Uh." He swallows, and Amy refills his water cup, but he doesn't take it. "I, uh, I remember Hoytsman kidnapping me." He laughs a short laugh, obviously trying to make it seem lighter than it ever was, but that's not the only reason Amy feels her heart jump.

His mind is stuck before their relationship. After Sofia left him. He thinks he's woken up after being injured at work, and there's no one there waiting for him except for a work partner who he's been trying so hard to pretend he doesn't like anymore, and for whom he obviously has to play the "I'm okay!" role still.

"Wow. Uh. Okay." She babbles, trying to find a way to be gentle and not confuse him any more. "Then, uh, I guess, well, your medication should pass soon, I think, and you'll remember more, so don't worry-"

"Amy." He's staring at her when she finally looks up, and notes her shorter hair, her far more comfortable outfit than the pantsuits he sees her wear at work, and even while high on drugs it's not that hard for him to put two and two together. "How much am I missing?"

"Quite a lot." She finally admits, but drops her look down into her lap, to her folded hands, and she unconsciously covers her wedding ring before he can see it. "A few years."

"Years?!" He squeals while leaning forward and then groans, because that has definitely upset his wound.

"It's okay, the nurse said it would happen." She quickly tries to calm him. "It's - you'll remember when the anaesthetic passes properly, so it's alright."

"Alright, yeah." He nods and finally settles into the pillow again, as silence envelops them for a few awkward moments, in which Amy's mind races through all the things he's missing right now.

"Okay." He interrupts her sad little mental storybook of their life's drama. "Let's play a game until then, huh? I call it 'Shock&Tell'."

"Jake-"

"It's easy, you'll get the rules. Basically, you tell me stuff I don't know right now and see how shocked you can get me."

"That's not funny-"

"Oh, I think it is. I know how much you like to have me speechless." He grins at her, and she can't resist.

"Title of your sex tape."

"Amy Santiago!" He gasps with a laugh, but there's hesitation in his eyes, and she remembers they weren't exactly at a flirting stage back where he is right now. "For that alone, you have to play a round with me."

"I can't think of anything shocking at the moment." She lies, and he sees right through her.

"Okay, then tell me the worst thing you think happens to me in those years, and the best. From your opinion."

She sighs and stares at her hands again, but she knows he won't let up - he's not gotten any less obnoxious from back then to now.

"Alright. The worst thing. You went to jail." She states, matter of fact, and watches his eyes practically bulge out of his head.

"Holy shi- WhAT?! Like, for a crime? Or-what-did I-what?!"

"You were innocent!" She says as fast as she can, and watches him deflate only a little.

"I sure fucking hope so! But still, what- how- why- ?"

"You and Rosa were framed by a criminally corrupt cop. It took us a few months to get evidence against her and have her sentenced instead."

"A few months." He whispers and stares at his hands, scrunching up the blanket he's wrapped in.

"You weren't alone." Her voice is soft and calm now, seeing him in such a state of unrest, and it takes all she has not to pull him into a hug - it'd probably both confuse and actually hurt him right now, given the stitches. "I mean, you were alone in prison, but we- the squad - we were all fighting for you and Rosa, and Charles and I visited you, and we- I- we never gave up on you."

He smiles, soft and a little broken, but he nods, as if that was something he'd always expect.

"Okay, now the best thing. Because lemme tell you, Santiago, you have to make up for that suckerpunch."

She smiles much wider now, almost grins as she leans forward to finally reach for his hand, entangling their fingers (to which he goes along almost automatically) and feeling her rings clink against the one on his. Jake's eyes are frozen on her hand in his, where he can see a shiny wedding band over what is clearly his Nana's old engagement ring, and he's barely breathing.

"Oh my god." He whispers a moment later, squeezing her hand almost painfully tight as he looks at her again, and she's still smiling.

"We're married?"

"Yeah."

"To- to each other?"

"Yeah, you doofus." She laughs.

"I'm- I'm your husband." He whispers again. "Even thought I went to jail?!"

"Well", she still laughs softly at the absolute shine in his eyes, the awe on his face. "You proposed after that. But I would've married you before, anyway." I would've married you before a lot of things you don't remember, she thinks but doesn't dare say, for fear he'll ask about those other things.

"You're my wife." He says, still stunned, and she nods. "We're married."

She nods again, and watches as the confused awe on his face turns into an almost relieved joy, and his bottom lip trembles as tears start rolling down his cheeks.

"Jake..." She whispers in turn now, her free hand (that is not currently being gripped by both of his) cupping his face and wiping away some of the tears that keep flowing.

"You're happy?" He asks with trepidation in his voice, and Amy wonders if the emotional rollercoaster is another side-effect of his medicine or just his lowered inhibitions. "I'm a good husband?"

"I couldn't wish for a better husband. You make me very happy." She's almost close to tears now herself. "I love you so much."

He gasps at that, and pulls her still gripped hand up to his face, pulling her closer to him in the process.

"I love you, Amy." is his answer, and she realises he means it, even with all the things he doesn't remember, all the things he doesn't know yet. "I love you so much. I can't believe I get to marry you."

His tears have calmed down a little by now, and she fixes her awkward pose of leaning forward and having both arms reach for his face by climbing up onto the bed with him, as he lowers their hands and looks at her with stars in his eyes and so much love on his face, she can't resist to pass the last few inches and kiss him.

His eyes are still closed when she pulls back and touches her forehead to his, and he's whispering again.

"Wow."

"Well, that's certainly an appreciated reaction." She giggles.

"Don't tell me I don't react like that every time you kiss me, because there's no way I'll believe that."

"Yeah." She smiles again as he opens his eyes and smiles back. "Yeah, you kinda do."

And just to prove it, she kisses him again.

[weebsinstash]

How come you quit your job? Feel free to ignore this if you don't feel comfortable answering of course!

Nah its ok, I don't mind talking about it, and I probably should explain at least a little since just recently we were having financial troubles so it seems kind of a bad move that i would do this in theory

Also uh I wound up bitching and complaining a little bit so this post is kind of long and I apologize haha

So there were several factors to me quitting, both pertaining to my own physical and mental health, behavior of my coworkers, and just how the place was being managed. To everyone new, or just everyone who isn't aware I guess, I never finished high school and the American education system is a scam and lie anyways so, I'm limited to which jobs I can have, so I was working fast food with this job having paid $12 an hour (and that's with me having prior work experience)

So to start, there were certain chronic physical pains i was/am having related to my disability (equinus), but I'm also creeping up on pre-diabetic status and uh despite not being an actual diabetic yet, I have diabetic neuropathy which is a fun way of saying certain nerves are dead or dying, and diabetes/pre-diabetes also causes joint pain so sometimes I'm just constantly suffering from Shit Hurts Disorder because fast food is actually a very physical job sometimes. I also had leg surgery in May that I still get certain aches from because my body is now "uneven". I'm also about to have surgery on the other leg which we'll get to in a second

But in the end the main contributing factor to me quitting was a specific group of my coworkers. I had certain coworkers who were quite frankly not very good at their jobs and had to constantly be told to do things over and over and still wouldn't get it right. On many days during lunch rush I would be on grill and turn around and there would be no one around me to assemble the sandwiches, get the fries, bag up the food, do the things that we were there to do, leaving certain other people to have to double-up their work to make up for the slack. turns out said missing people had just walked away from their station to all gossip in Spanish in the back of the store, be on their phones, share food, whatever.

I constantly caught them doing all kinds of nasty shit that people with basic hygiene and common sense don't do in a kitchen. Don't get a long manicure that rips through the gloves when you make sandwiches and touch food (you're actually not supposed to have long nails at all when you handle food but most employers don't enforce it). Don't wear your long hair in front of your body where it touches the food or can even simply just fall out. Don't bring in food from home and then not only take tubs that belong to the store to keep it in, but also physically cooking your food on the equipment while we are still serving customers. Dont leave the food you brought in in the fridge for several days until someone else has to throw it away. Don't serve food with mold on it. Don't just rinse the mold off. Don't drop raw food on the floor and then just toss it back in the frier 🤢

Also like. The particular group of coworkers I'm referring to would hardly ever call people by their actual names and would usually give almost everyone nicknames for whatever reason. My name is Miranda and for some reason they would always call me Melinda or Linda which I also found very disrespectful after so many months. Oh, so you can't do the simple shit I ask you to do every day AND you can't do the simple courtesy of using my actual fucking name? Christ

Really the straw that broke the camel's back was one thing most specifically though and it legitimately could have been resolved so easily and both my coworkers and my managers weren't doing shit about it. That simple thing? When these women were making sandwiches with fried products, which are kept in a drawer, they would simply reach in the drawer and pull things out without looking, and often times they would not call out we needed more food until they would reach in and could no longer feel anything. Obviously for fast food that's a problem. We have metrics and times we want to keep good as well as not make our customer wait. The goal is to call things out BEFORE it's empty so we aren't holding on orders and people aren't having to wait for extended periods of time

Literally the solution to this is just looking in the drawer, to actually look at and count whatever you're taking as you're taking it out. This is a standard practice. This is common sense. And for the fucking life of me, no matter how many times or how politely I asked, these grown ass women, most of which have children, would not fucking do it. They refused to literally just peek in a drawer to make sure we weren't running out of food. Every single shift, every single shift, (which by the way for months i was working 6 days a week) multiple times a shift, I'd hear shit like "Oh, no more spicy! Linda, do you have spicy down?"

I cannot express it enough. All they had to do was look in the container of the food they were taking out, just a peek to confirm we aren't running low, something that's extremely basic in a food based job, and these grown adults would not do it. So then I would have to compensate. I'd have to constantly HOVER OVER THEM because they refused to communicate, to look in the drawers FOR THEM, constantly walking back and forth when I'm disabled and post-surgical. I would be on the job getting physically tense, standing there thinking "any second now and its going to happen again, when are they going to fuck this up again"

so yeah on Friday it was during lunch rush and sure enough, there i hear "oh, no more spicy! Linda, more spicy?"

I uh sorta blew up a little. Just looked at her "WHAT DO I TELL YOU EVERY DAY? LOOK IN THE CABINETS AND CALL THINGS OUT BEFORE IT'S ALL GONE"

And insult to injury she just like basically ignores me, looks at me like im being a bitch when i ask her to do this every shift and so has the manager, and just asks me to drop spicy chicken and at that point I said "no, im going home" and stormed out

So yeah. I feel really bad but also not. I tried to talk to my GM about this many times and he would just give suggestions for what I could do, basically telling me to work around them rather than putting his foot down with the actual people causing the problem. I tried. I asked nicely, I tried different things, but I can't control other people. I'm about to have surgery on my other leg and I don't want to be trapped recovering my surgery and in pain and STILL having to babysit women who are older than I am

Oh and I guess secondary note but have I ever mentioned some of the incredibly inappropriate "jokes" my GM has made to me or other women in the store. Asking what race of men we prefer, saying he wishes he could have a kid with me because I'm down to earth, saying I'm nice and young for him while the others are too old, I overheard him asking some of the others if they knew what squirting was and then proceeded to describe it in a pretty crass way

So. Yeah. And I guess the final, final thing is that. Well. I've been having some really significant mental health struggles. I mean like, very serious. My therapist has wanted me to go into the hospital a few times and I would always say something like "well I can't, I have work". When I'm having constant mental health crises and quite frankly think about suicide on a daily basis, it doesn't help my mental health to work at a job that stresses me out and makes me feel small, used, and taken advantage of

I hope to get another job eventually but I've been thinking on it and with this surgery coming up on the 20th I'm going to be homebound anyways so... maybe it's for the best if I take a small break for a while and try to focus on myself for a little bit. So yeah if you read this whole thing, thanks for listening to my little sob story 😳 ol weeb here is uh, feeling like a tired old soul lately and a break is sounding pretty nice honestly....

[cowboyjen68]

Recently I’ve been debating getting top surgery. I know that some butches get top surgery and seem happy with the results but I’ve also met some who grew out of their discomfort with time. So I guess I’m debating if I should wait to see if maybe the discomfort around my chest will ease with age or if I should look into getting top surgery. The ones I’ve talked to also had this discomfort about their breast growing during puberty but they said after some time it decreased but for mines it seems like a problem that hasn’t gone away.

I am so sorry for the delay, seems work and side gigs are taking up a lot of my time lately. 

I can only speak from my experience with my body and from other lesbians I talk to... and I talk to a lot. I have many friends across generations. Many of my younger friends are butch but not all. My older friends are a myriad of types of lesbians and as diverse as the greater population. This weekend now that we are all vaccinated we had a campfire with 12 lesbian, 5 butches present. We have definitely had discussions about our breasts, discomfort, and the mourning over loosing breasts to cancer (or the danger of cancer).  Most of my buddies, from 19 to 68 share similar stories about learning to be at least “okay” with their bodies in a world where our physical attributes are often used to define our personality, and our worth. 

One thing we ALL share, as women, not just lesbians, is that we were at best dissatisfied that we have breasts starting as soon as they begin to form. I was 7 when mom told me I had to wear a shirt outside. Wow was I pissed. AND as a 7 years old I knew it had nothing to do with me but everyone seemed just fine with the fact that men were the issue but since we can’t change them we must change our own behavior.

 I remember thinking “how is me not wearing a shirt a problem”. Breasts had been neutral for me at that point. Just another part of my body. Once I realized “they” made me different, more vulnerable, more controlled, less “human” than those around me without breasts I turned my hate on my body instead of the people who really were to blame. Just like I was taught, I can’t control the men but I perhaps I could control my body. 

I have raised at least 10 teenage daughters (2 are lesbians now) my youngest adopted is 15 and when her other mom told her to put on a shirt in the summer of her 8th birthday, even in our rural yard she looked at me dead in the eye and said “why haven’t you fixed this yet?” (meaning women’s bodies being subject to the eyes and opinions of men). I wonder.. why haven’t we? She is the youngest, but all the others grew from hating their breasts to at least neutral, some really love their bodies and that is lovely. 

Lesbians are unique in our dealings of men’s opinions because we never need or want the approval of men in relation to our bodies. The opposite in fact.. we would prefer they see us void of anything they find sexual. Many women, straight, bi, lesbian eventually either learn to give no shits about the opinions of men or they learn to work around that feeling.

Ok.. all that being said, my story. My breasts are B cups, perhaps C’s when I was a bit heavier weight wise. I wore regular bras WITH padding and always as tight as a could to make them less noticeable. When I came out i switched to sports bras because i was embracing being butch and no longer wanted to play the game of wearing  “pretty bra” . I never wore tight shirts, always baggy. I wore the tightest bra I could wear to keep my breasts smaller, less visible. FOR YEARS. 

Going to a women’s festival opened my eyes to the many ways bodies can be. The many ways BUTCH bodies can exist. Women went topless and NO one sexualized them. (except when appropriate-- like while flirting etc when it was welcomed). Thousands of people, many topless and no one, not one person was oogled, cat called, teased, or otherwise treated as different than someone wearing a shirt.  What did they all share? Why was it different than in other places? Women. All women and mostly lesbians. However that did not automatically translate to “I am going back to the real world and giving no fucks about the reality of existing with breasts in our world”. It took time.

I no longer wear a bra just an undershirt. BUT I am in control of where I go, who I interact with most of the time. If I was still at my retail job, I’d probably still wear a bra. I no longer dislike my breasts. I love them. They bring me pleasure, they bring my girlfriend pleasure. They are a lovely part of me BUT that does not mean I am not very aware in public of my nipples being visible or of people noticing I am braless. And I imagine it is harder for women with larger breasts. 

Had binders been a “thing”, had I had access to a double  mastectomy, or the idea of it i cannot say that would have pursued either. The pattern suggests I would have. But again., neither were on my radar, not options presented to me or encouraged as a way to solve my discomfort.

 I have  three friends who have had elective double mastectomies. And many who had one to prevent or remove cancer. Several of them suffer consistent and painful nerve damage that is not treatable, is quite common, is unpredictable (they can’t know who will have it) and possibly life long. Of the three who were trying to alleviate the distress of dysphoria, all three regret the decision and none of them are over 30 yet. These women are all lesbians. Those who had the surgery because of cancer are thrilled to be happy and alive with less worry, although they do deal with nerve issues and mourn the loss of a part of their body. 

I have a few trans men friends, although we are not close. A  couple of them have had double mastectomies but their thoughts or feelings have not come up, we are just not close enough for such a personal discussion and none have had the surgery for more than 2 years.  I have had lots of older lesbians friends (and a few younger) who did get breast reduction surgery and their health and mental health were both improved. Their backs are better, their clothes fit better and they feel more active, less self conscious with out the physical risks of a full mastectomy. 

The easy answer and what I WANT to say, is be patient, find lots of older lesbians friends to show you your body is neutral, men are the problem. Give yourself time to understand that your breasts are as butch as the rest of you. They are a natural part of your body and how you are meant to be. Also, I know there is not an easy answer. Men will continue to exist. They will continue to sexualize lesbians (with or without breasts). I didn’t outgrow wishing my breasts could just disappear(in public settings) until my 40′s but it got easier and easier to sort of “live with it”. I am many times over grateful for my healthy breasts now. 

Seek therapy.. and not someone who will just go along with what ever you say. My therapists works me hard. She makes me answer the hard questions. She has me vocalize things that I don’t even want to admit in my head let alone out loud. Find one like that. Find one who is willing to explore all the reasons your breasts cause you distress. Then, if you decide to proceed, you can do so knowing you were worth the hard work and you can feel more confident in making an informed decision. Don’t make any decisions based on the opinions of men. Your body. YOUR decision. Write that down on a post it and keep it somewhere you will see it. 

If you would like to speak to some others who are struggling with how you feel or want to talk to lesbians who can tell you about their double mastectomies, DM me, perhaps I can connect you. 

If  anyone wants to add their experience in the notes please be kind. No judgement for anyone making such a difficult decision. 

One last thing to this long post. From one butch to another.  I care about you and I am saddened and angry at  bull shit you have to wade through in this world. I get it. You are not alone. 

[blitzturtles]

Title: Guilt

Rating: Teen and Up

Fandom: JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders (set after Golden Wind, given Jolyne's age.)

Pairing(s): JotaKak, JoKa, (Platonic) Jotaro & Jolyne, (Platonic) Kakyoin & Jolyne

Summary: Kakyoin is in the middle of answering one of Jolyne's many questions when he feels something twist violently inside his abdomen. He tastes what he thinks might be bile at rist, but the metallic tinge registers, and,

Oh god, no. Not here. Please not here.

Notes: Involves emergency surgery, chronic pain, preteen!Jolyne, PTSD, disabled Kakyoin, and near death experiences.

-

Here's the thing: Jolyne hates him. It's not a secret, and it's definitely not something that she bothers to hide from him. Jotaro keeps swearing that she'll come around. Says she's just stubborn (like her father is, Kakyoin sometimes thinks with far too much affection for a man that regularly drives him up the wall). There's also the fact that she's a preteen, and kids are apparently just like that at her age.

Here's the thing: Kakyoin would hate him, too. If he were in her situation. He's petty on a good day, and a right bastard on any other. He can't imagine being in her situation. With divorced parents who, while amicable, are both ridiculously successful and constantly busy. And then waltzed in Kakyoin, right in the middle of it. Though 'waltz' is a bit of a stretch. He doesn't do anything like that with his plated spine and braced legs, but none of that matters. The real point is that he gets it.

He does his best to never push more than he has to. For the most part, he lets Jolyne do her own thing, because she's a Kujo and a Joestar. She's going to do what she wants anyways. His opinion be damned, though he does try to reason with her. Hell, he's given into bribing every once in a while. (Sometimes the means don't matter when father and daughter are both happy at the end of the day.)

In short: Jolyne hates him, and Kakyoin understands.

______

Here's the thing: Jolyne finds Kakyoin to be a nuisance. An interference. One more complication to an already complicated life, and she's only eleven. She wants her parents to get over their bullshit (language!) and figure out how to make things work. She wants Kakyoin to go away, but that doesn't mean she wants him dead. Or injured. Even if she did wish him off the end of a pier that one time. Still.

They've admittedly grown to be more friendly over time. She talks to him now, which is an improvement to the chronic cold shoulder she gave him before. Sometimes she even asks him for help, because her dad can be surprisingly useless when it comes to school work (weren't you in school when I was little?) He always seems happy to help, and he never gets as frustrated as her dad.

So maybe she doesn't hate him, but she definitely wants him to go away.

______

Kakyoin is in the middle of answering one of Jolyne's many questions when he feels something twist violently inside his abdomen. He tastes what he thinks might be bile at rist, but the metallic tinge registers, and,

Oh god, no. Not here. Please not here.

He doesn't need to know-- specifically-- what went wrong to know that he's dying. The moment the pain goes from barely tolerable to utterly agonizing is about when his brain lets him know that he's operating on borrowed time.

Kakyoin could have used that warning approximately five minutes ago. Before the pain. Before he found himself in front of Jolyne.

"I'm sorry," he tries to say, hopes the words come out audible enough for her to understand.

There are tears welling up in her eyes, and they fall soon enough. God, he's made Jolyne cry. She's so young. So unprepared. And she looks so much like Jotaro. With panic stricken eyes and fingers that grasp for something to do. Some way to fix this. It makes his chest ache beyond the twisting and shearing that his insides are already doing.

(She looks exactly like Jotaro, in the hospital after the Foundation managed to retrieve them. The way her hands fumble in the air is so much like how Jotaro had reached out desperately, trying to hold onto Kakyoin, in case those had been his last moments. Like father, like daughter, Kakyoin thinks without humor.)

His knees hit the ground first, and that shoots pain up his legs and along his hips. The rest of it ricochets and dies somewhere midway up his spine. It's a momentary distraction away from the agony that is his middle. He reaches with his fingers to press against his stomach, half expecting them to sink inward (into nothingness. There's nothing. Dio punched a hole right through him, and he's going to die.)

Jolyne is yelling. His name at first, then for her father. Again, he's reminded of the day he died. Maybe it's all been a dream. He's waking up now and the end is pressing down on him. The light will follow soon. He knows; he's seen it before.

"Please!" Jolyne begs him, "I'm sorry!"

He is, too. It's the last thing he thinks before his eyes slide shut and the darkness grabs at him greedily.

______

There's shouting and bright lights and something covering his face. He can't make out anything with his vision so blurry, but he thinks he hears Jotaro's angry voice booming what could be an entire room away.

"If you fucking put a finger on him that isn't necessary to keep him alive. I'll fuck-"

"Dad!"

Jotaro inhales sharply but nods to the surgeon one, final time, "His team is on their way. Not a goddamn finger."

______

The Speedwagon Foundation has several doctors that Kakyoin sees on a semi-regular basis. Each is a specialist in their own right, and they're the only reason Kakyoin ever made it home from Egypt. They're also the only ones that regularly work on updating all the augmented parts and maintaining the damaged remains of Kakyoin's organs. They know him inside and out. Quite literally.

The team makes it to the hospital long before Kakyoin comes out of emergency surgery, which means the whole process is extended significantly. The upside (if it could be called that) is that Kakyoin doesn't have to be put under again. The downside is that it means they'll be waiting awhile.

Jotaro does his best to be strong for Jolyne. It's his job as a parent to keep a calm façade and push his emotions to the side. She needs someone to be her reassurance.

He fails miserably.

______

The head of the Foundation team emerges some hours later, looking a little worse for wear. The stoicism past that does little for Jotaro's nerves. It tells him nothing of what to expect.

"Well?"

"He's stable," the doctor answers. "We had to take out several inches of colon this time. If I had to guess, he probably believed himself to be having a flare. He adjusted to the pain until he became necrotic." His expression shifts into an unpleased frown, "He also has two ulcers. Has he changed his diet? Or experienced any new stressors?"

Jolyne's lip quivered as she processed the doctor's words. She thought over every time she and Kakyoin had fought in recent history. Most of it being her yelling at him.

Jotaro's focus remains fixated on the doctor, "What the hell kind of pain is he still having?"

The doctor-- one Jotaro recognizes from previous visits but can't recall the name of-- sighs, "Kakyoin will only allow us to do so much to help manage his pain. I'm not his specialist in that regard, but it's at his request that he's kept on very little in terms of medication."

Jotaro knows that. He knows that Kakyoin doesn't like what stronger pain meds do to his head, but how out of control is his pain that he didn't notice that he was dying? That his body has been rotting from the inside out for an unknown amount of time?

Jolyne shifts further behind him, drawing his attention to her. It's the only thing that spares the doctor whatever response Jotaro might have otherwise formed. He turns to look at Jolyne and is startled by the tears already trailing down her round cheeks. Realization hits him then.

She's eleven, and he's an idiot.

"Hey, hey. Enough with that. He's going to be okay," Jotaro says quickly. He should have- called her mother or his mother or literally anyone. This isn't a conversation she needed to be privy to.

"It's me," Jolyne chokes the words out. Her thin arms wrap tight around her middle, and she looks close to collapsing on the ground.

Jotaro, admittedly, has no idea what she's talking about, "What's you?"

"The stress!" She practically wails.

Jotaro sighs and moves to wrap his arms around Jolyne. He tugs her in against his chest. "That- that's not the kind of stress the doctor is talking about," he glances over his shoulder to see that the man had already dismissed himself. Smart guy.

"I'm always mean to him!"

Jotaro wants to laugh. Not at all because he thinks her words-- or her suffering-- are funny, but because the whole situation feels unreal. He cards his fingers through her hair instead. It's all the comfort he feels like he can offer in a situation like this. With his own resolve teetering on the edge.

"Takes a lot more than that to take out Noriaki," he's lying through his teeth. The whole new family thing might damn well be enough stress, but he's never going to let Jolyne think this is her fault. It's not. Kakyoin is capable of making his own decisions, and being part of their family is one of them.

Jolyne crumbles against him despite the gentle words, so he scoops her up and holds her against his chest. Even at eleven, she's nothing compared to his size. He finds a nearby seat to settle into and lets her cry while he whispers promises he can't be sure he'll be able to keep. Eventually he tries distracting her with facts about dolphins, and that either has some effect, or she passes out from exhaustion. Either way, he's relieved when she snores against his neck.

______

Kakyoin comes to the waking world in a haze. His head aches and his middle feels a lot like it might have been ripped open again. He hopes that whatever happened had been a little more civil than that.

It doesn't take him long to place himself in the hospital. That's good. He isn't dead, and he's not immediately at risk of falling into enemy hands. The beeping to his left is annoying, and he can't see well enough to make anything out on the monitors around him. His vision tends to be the last thing to recover when he's been knocked out for a while. Still, he turns his head to continue to take in what he can make out.

He stops short when he sees two people in chairs on his right side, closer to the door. The familiar hat catches his attention immediately, not that he needs to be able to see at one hundred percent (or his version of it) to know that the man is none other than Jotaro. His size will always give him away before anything else.

Jotaro's head is bowed in a way that indicates he's likely asleep. He's undoubtedly been here awhile. Jolyne sits beside him with her head pressed against her father's bicep. Star Platinum is out and wrapped around both of them. He lifts his hand from Jotaro a moment to wave at him brightly, which is enough to disturb his user's sleep.

"Mm?" Jotaro grunts. He opens his eyes and sucks in a breath. He takes a moment to compose himself, which is fine. Kakyoin thinks he probably looks worse than he feels, thanks to the drugs. He would make a joke about it, but moving still hurts.

"Good to see you awake. How're you feeling?" Jotaro asks. He doesn't move from his spot, if only to avoid waking up Jolyne, but that intense gaze is evaluating all the same.

Kakyoin gives a noncommittal answer, and Jotaro snorts, "That's what I thought you'd say. Good thing we have this." He reaches for the little controller on the side of Kakyoin's bed. He presses the red button before Kakyoin can protest.

The glare he shoots Jotaro is relatively short-lived, and it's hard to be mad when Jotaro looks so damn triumphant, even if it's about something that Kakyoin has complicated feelings about. He decides to let him have this one, considering the fact that he's pretty sure he gave them all one nightmarish scare.

"I'm sorry," he says after a while, head lulling back against the pillows. His red hair spreads out all around. It's longer now than it ever has been, but he hasn't felt the need to cut it beyond a simple trim in years. It doesn't matter, but it gives himself something to focus on rather than the gnawing guilt.

"Don't be."

"I- god, I never meant-"

"Kakyoin."

"If I had known, I would have left the room or-"

"Kak-"

"She was so afraid. And she-"

"Noriaki," Jotaro snaps more than says the name, but his eyes are soft. "You aren't the only one that made her cry in the last few hours, so you're not special." That's not true. Kakyoin is incredibly special, but he needs to make some kind of light-hearted comment before he starts crying. Nobody needs to see that.

"Still," Kakyoin mumbles, but he doesn't continue.

Jotaro reaches out with Star, who clasps his large hand over one of Kakyoin's. He wants to lean forward himself, but he doesn't want to wake Jolyne up. Not yet.

Kakyoin turns his palm up to tangle his fingers together with Star's. He brushes his thumb over the stand's, knowing Jotaro can feel it reflected on his skin.

"I really thought it was a flare," he says after a while, because he feels like he owes some sort of explanation after everything.

"Nori, I really can't tell you how much I don't give a damn about that," Jotaro frowns at his own words, "No, I mean- I care, but- fuck." He scrubs his hand over his face a few times before trying again, "You don't have to feel guilty for this shit, okay? I should have noticed you were in pain."

Kakyoin shakes his head. He squeezes Star's hand to make sure Jotaro's listening when he speaks, "It's not your fault. I deal with this pain all the time. It just- at first it felt like a flare, but I guess I got used to it." And every time the pain worsened, he acclimated until it had nearly killed him.

Jotaro doesn’t get a chance to respond before Jolyne is rustling against him. She opens her eyes a crack and reaches up to wipe at them with her fists. “Dad?”

“Right here,” Jotaro grunts in response. He squeezes her shoulder gently, then retracts his arm to give her space to stretch out. “Kakyoin is awake.”

He watches the fog clear from her eyes. They widen as she processes his words, and her attention immediately turns to the redhead, who waves meekly at her.

“Jolyne, I’m- oof!”

Star quickly gets his hands around Jolyne’s waist, suspending her in the air enough to keep her weight from falling too heavily onto Kakyoin. He lets her down carefully, and the youngest Kujo looks sheepish for her overreaction.

“Sorry.”

“No, it’s alright,” Kakyoin says, curling an arm around her loosely in return. He hadn’t expected to be nearly tackled upon awakening. That went doubly so when considering Jolyne as a factor. She’s never hugged him before. Trauma is funny in that way; something he knows from first hand experience.

Jotaro steps up behind her and offers a small smile to Kakyoin, “We’re glad you’re alright.”

“Yeah!” Jolyne echoes, “You scared the shit out of us!”

“Jolyne,” Jotaro’s voice is gruff. An attempt at a warning that falls short. The way his lips pull further upward is a dead giveaway that he isn’t particularly upset by her language usage.

“It’s true!”

“Good grief.”

Kakyoin snorts at the father-daughter duo, relieved to see the two smiling again. Already bickering as per usual. There’s too much snark trapped in the Joestar bloodline, and it always amplifies whenever there’s more than one of them in a room. He’d know, having been on the road with Joseph and Jotaro in the past.

Somehow the back and forth settles into Jolyne rambling about dolphins. She regurgitates facts that-- for the most part-- Kakyoin already knows, but he feigns shock and awe at all the right places to keep her spirit up. It’s more healing to watch her babble emphatically than it is lying around in a hospital bed, staring at the ceiling. It eases some of the guilt, makes him feel lighter.

Eventually, Jotaro whiskers her out the door. Kakyoin catches sight of Holly, which must mean that Marina is tied up. Holly doesn’t come in, likely at her son’s behest. The woman is a mother through and through, and she can be a bit overwhelming at times. Better to focus all that maternal energy on Jolyne for now.

“You look tired,” Jotaro says when the door clicks shut behind the two. He takes his spot back next to Kakyoin’s bed, pulling his chair as close as he can. His knees grind against the railing of the bed a bit, but the distance allows him to lean forward and get a good look at his partner.

“I could say the same about you,” Kakyoin points out with a raised brow. He still can’t pick up his head for more than a few seconds at a time, and his vision remains fuzzy around the edges; a likely side effect of being drugged to the gills, but he isn’t blind. He can see the bags collecting under Jotaro’s eyes. Exhaustion-- emotional as much as it is physical-- already weighing his shoulders down.

Jotaro snorts an unamused sound, “I’m not the one that just had emergency surgery.”

Kakyoin winces at the reminder. “I’m-”

“If you finish that statement, I’m going to give you a reason to be sorry,” he isn’t. Jotaro won’t hurt him, but the words make Kakyoin close his mouth anyways. For a second.

“Oh, and how are you going to do that?”

Jotaro stares him down for a solid thirty seconds, expecting him to back down. When he doesn’t, the man pushes himself to his feet with an exasperated sigh. “Good grief, c’mere,” his fingers hook under Kakyoin’s chin, and he leans down to press their lips together.

As far as life affirming kisses go, it’s one of Jotaro’s more gentle ones, but Kakyoin feels the thrill of it chasing down his spine anyways.

“I love you,” Kakyoin murmurs as they break apart. He wants to add an apology to the end, but he bites his lip and keeps it to himself for now. He’ll find a way to make it up to Jotaro and Jolyne later.

“Love you, too, Tenmei.”

[footballfanfictions]

The thrill of the chase - Chapter Two

Pairings: Mason Mount/OC, Ben Chilwell/OC

Authors Note: Sorry that this has taken a little longer than anticipated and thank you so much for all the love for the first part.

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One of the main drawbacks of working with social media, is that you are always on social media and you’re constantly bombarded with information and images that make you feel downright crap about yourself.

I’d been asked to take over the instagram page of one of the high profile players at the club and his entire feed was just one supermodel and influencer after the other with the odd footballer thrown in to balance it out. They were all so stunning that it truly made me feel awful about myself, how could it not? My salary was pretty good for a new graduate but not quite good enough for weekly manicures, lip fillers and hair extensions and my time management wouldn’t stretch for that either, I barely made my eyebrow wax appointments.

I was trying to avoid looking at the player’s DMs while I posted a few pictures from the pre-season training sessions to his feed, but the notifications pinging every few minutes was getting quite annoying.

Has it been Brianna with access to his account and not me, she would have gone straight to his messages to read them. I preferred to live in blissful ignorance to the sleazy ways of the men around me. I already felt like finding a good guy was absolutely hopeless.

I had been renting a flat and I was saving for a deposit to buy a house, hoping that by the time I had saved up enough to buy that I would have found the right person to live with. If I were to attempt this alone, with London house prices I would be around  60 by the time I had saved enough alone.

The message notifications continued to come in and whoever Sam was, she was really keen.

I logged out after posting the final image and prayed I wouldn’t have to go into it again. The less I knew about their private lives, the better. It would be pretty awkward to be sat in the staff and players’ family box at a game knowing that the wife of someone I knew was cheating was close by. Best to steer clear of those complications.

Brianna hadn’t visited my office at all and by 12 I was both worried and hungry and decided to go looking for her.

I tried the kit room first but it was empty and surprisingly tidy. Dave kept a tight ship and liked everything to be in its place but it wasn’t often possible with the sheer volume of kits that needed to be looked after.

As I backed out of the kit room and closed the door, I felt something hit me in the back.

“Sorry” mumbled the voice from behind me. “I was looking for Dave, I need a new top.”

I knew who it was but I didn’t really want to turn around and look at him.

“They’re not in there, I was just looking for him and Brianna too.” I responded in an emotionless tone, shrugging.

“Why are you being so weird?” he asked.

I turned to face him then and gave him a look of contempt before I answered him. “Maybe I just don’t enjoy spending time around footballers?”

“No offence love, but I think you might be in the wrong job if that is the case.” he put his hand on the door, next to my head where I was practically pinned against the door by how close he was to me. Only then did I realise that the training top that he was wearing was ripped, front he shoulder to his navel, the material hanging and exposing his toned chest and abs. I tried to look away but he had caught me looking and was now smirking.

“Maybe it’s just you that puts me off.” I shrugged as I ducked under his arm, escaping from my position between him and the door.

“You really don’t like me?” He huffed. “I don’t remember doing anything to offend you personally.”

“Maybe I’m offended that privileged young lads get money, fame and praise just for kicking a ball around a muddy field. Try something more impressive, like curing cancer or performing life saving surgery, ending world hunger, ending wars.” I groaned in frustration. Maybe that was the truth of it. Why should he get all the praise and admiration that he got, just for playing a sport? There were so many incredible people in the world doing, or working towards the things in that list that never got half the praise that Mason Mount did for kicking a ball.

He looked a bit dumb struck.

I went in again, “Maybe I don’t like you assuming that I should be into you, just because you’re Mason Mount, England and Chelsea midfielder. Maybe that’s what the girls in the club that throw themselves at your feet are into, but it’s not for me.”

I made to leave and he grabbed my hand and mumbled, “Sorry, I’ll leave you alone from now on.”

I didn’t respond. Just pulled my hand from his and stormed off towards the boot room, leaving him outside of the kit room in his ripped shirt.

“Fuck it smells like feet in here.” I complained, walking into the boot room with my nose pinched between my fingers in disgust.

“When I said that I liked shoes to dad, this is not what I meant.” Brianna laughed.

“What are you doing in here, I didn’t think boots were part of your job?” I asked, perching on one of the benches while Bri sat on the floor, sorting through a massive pile of boots to try and match up the pairs. They were in all sorts of bright colours and differing sizes. If I had to guess, I’d guess that she had been at her task for hours.

“Dad and the boot guy had some sort of emergency” she shrugged.

I laughed at that, wondering what kind of emergency you could have that involved kits and boots. Maybe they hadn’t ordered the right brand or something and one of the stars wasn’t going to get his cash from his boot deal if they didn’t find him the right pair.

There was a little tap on the sliding glass door that lead out onto the pitches and stood there was the guy from the other day that had held the door to the cafeteria open for us. He looked a little sheepish.

“Are you going to let him in?” I asked Bri, trying to unbury her from the pile of boots by throwing some of them into a pile, all of the orange ones in one corner, the yellow in another pile and pink in another and so on.

“Oh yeah.” she said, standing and brushing herself off, and adjusting her skirt that rode up her thighs slightly. The guy had noticed and I watched as he tried to look away and then down at his feet. At first I hadn’t thought that his shyness was that genuine. Footballers were all confident cocky little shits in my book, I’d never met one that was shy and unsure of himself.

Bri unlocked the door and let him in.

“I’m sorry to bother you, but only one of these fits” he said, holding up a pair of lime green boots and giving Bri an apologetic smile.

“Oh shit” she said, taking the pair from him and inspecting them. “I’ve given you one 10 and one 9.5.” she looked through the pile of lime green boots until she said “aha!” triumphantly brandishing another size 10 boot. “Here you go my love.”

That as just Bri’s way, she called everyone little pet names all the time, but he didn’t know that and he was blushing profusely and I was almost certain that his hands were shaking as he laced the boots up.

“Thank you so much.” he mumbled, looking like he was about to die of embarrassment. He turned to walk back out of the sliding door, but hadn’t realised that Bri had shut it behind him, so he ended up walking straight into the glass, hitting it with enough force to emmit a cracking noise from his nose which was suddenly streaming with blood.

I jumped up from my seat and crossed the room to him, avoiding the piles of boots the best that I could, not wanting to add myself to the casualty list.

I had an unused tissue in my pocket, that I took out and pressed to his nose. It was instantly bright red and the blood poured straight through it.

“Bri can you go and warn the medical room that we need to bring him down?” I asked.

She nodded in agreement and rushed out of the room.

I put my arm around his waist and guided him back over to the benches. He sat down and I slipped my cardigan off. It was a very thin material and already a deep shade of red. I didn’t let him protest as I replaced the tissue with my cardigan. It was the best that we had, and he looked like he was in a lot of pain.

“I’ve never seen anyone get that flustered before.” i laughed, sitting down beside him. He managed to give me a pained grin.

‘It’s Bri isn’t it? Is she why you were waiting by the canteen door the other day?” I asked gently, patting him reassuringly on the back. “I wanted to send her out of the room so that I could ask you, and also to reassure you that you shouldn’t be embarrassed about this. I’ve seen Bri do a lot more embarrassing things. She’s always falling over and hurting herself. You would make quite the pair.” I laughed.

He shook his head and mumbled “I can’t ask her out”.

“Why the hell not?” i scoffed.

“She has a boyfriend doesn’t she?” he shrugged, looking really sombre.

“Ah no, not anymore. Things are definitely over between her and that prick, and between you and me, if she ever gets back together with him, I’ll give her a matching broken nose.” I bumped shoulders with his, trying to cheer him up, just as Bri came back into the room and told us that the medical room were waiting for him.

“Can you come with me?” he asked, not talking to Bri, but to me instead.

“Sure, I would do anything to get out of work this afternoon. Our twitter page today is just full of fans that are disappointed that we didn’t use the Hazard money to sign Messi.” I laughed, getting up and guiding him towards the door.

“Can we catch up later?” I asked Bri before leaving the room, she nodded and told me she would be free all evening.

As we walked down the corridor I said to him “See, no plans to see a boyfriend” and he blushed again.

One of the medical assistants rushed out to meet us and guided him into the room exclaiming “Billy, what the hell? How have you done that?”

He shrugged, clearly feeling embarrassed about how he had injured himself. So when they looked over at me for clarification, I shrugged too.

Billy wasn’t the only player needing the use of the treatment room. As he sat down on one of the chairs, I noticed that Ben was in there too.

The medic went about dabbing Billy’s nose and he cried out in pain.

“Sorry about your cardigan.” he said, looking down at the red material on his lap. He didn’t need it now that he was getting patched up.

“Honestly don’t worry about it Billy.” I grinned.

The medic then mumbled something about needing something and left the room.

That gave Billy a bit more confidence to talk about what had happened.

“And thank you for the advice about your friend.” Billy seemed a bit happier as he said that, and I could see Ben out of the corner of my eye looking over at us as Billy spoke.

“Please tell me you’re going to ask her out!” Ben laughed.

I turned to look at him and smiled. “You know?”

Ben nodded and looked at Billy with a horrified expression “Oh god, you asked her out and she punched you.”

I shook my head. “Not exactly.” I said.

“The boyfriend was here for some reason, and he punched you?’ Ben went on, standing up and coming over to Billy. He walked with a slight limp.

He stood in between us.

“Why are you in here if you don’t mind me asking?” I looked down at his leg while asking the question.

“It’s my hamstring, nothing too serious.” He smiled.

“Don’t laugh at me when I tell you how I did this.” Billy warned, pointing at his nose. “I walked into a sliding glass door that I thought was open, all because she gave me a pair of boots and called me love.” he groaned, covering his face in embarrassment.

Ben laughed and clapped Billy on the back with his hand. “Oh mate, no wonder you’re embarrassed.” he then addressed me, asking “Just how cringy was it?”

I shook my head before answering him, “I honestly don’t think it was that bad. Bri is pretty oblivious sometimes and I don’t actually think she realised the real reason for you hurting yourself. So if you were to pluck up the courage to speak to her, I wouldn’t even bring it up.”

_________________________________________________________

The next day, I was looking out at the training pitches while I waited for the coffee machine to finish making my drink when there was a gentle tap on my door.

I crossed the room and opened it, expecting it to Bri or maybe even the club photographer giving me some new pictures of the squad to use, but it was Ben.

“Hi, are you free?” he asked, giving me one of his sweet smiles.

“Yeah come in.” I said, stepping back into my office and letting him pass me so that I could hold the door open.

“That coffee smells nice”. He remarked.

“Do you want one? Or did I put you off the other day?” I smiled.

“Ah no thanks, and no you didn’t put me off. I’ve never really liked the stuff. I like the smell of coffee, it just doesn’t taste as good as it smells.” as he spoke I realised that he was holding something in a plastic bag.

He realised that I was looking at it. “It’s your cardigan. I washed it for you at home. Think I got all the blood out but it’s red so I can’t really tell.”

I was for once, speechless. It was a small gesture but it was really kind all the same. I thought about making a witty remark about it actually being his mother or an employed cleaner that washed it for him but I just couldn’t bring myself to.

“Thank you, you didn’t have to do that. It’s only an old primark cardigan.” I said, taking the bag from him.

I suddenly felt a bit flustered in his company. He had that charming smile and didn’t really look like a cocky footballer to me. He didn’t act like one much either, he was just kind of like the guy next door, or the guy you would see on Tinder with a picture of him with his mates at the only photo on the profile so you couldn’t tell which one you were swiping for.

In all honesty, he kind of reminded me of my ex boyfriend Rory. He had the same sort of look, and they had similar accents. Maybe it was nostalgia that made me find being around Ben comforting.

‘I think your coffee is done.” he said, gesturing to the machine.

I nodded and walked over to the machine, taking the cup and adding some creamer and sugar. As I stirred the cup, he leant against my desk and crossed his arms over his chest.

“Something is bothering me if I’m honest.” he said.

“What is it?” I asked curiously.

“Mason said that you told him that you hate all footballers because we’re privileged and get too much clout for what we do.” He looked slightly disappointed in me. “Thing is, I don’t entirely disagree with you. Maybe we do get paid too much for what we do, and maybe doctors and nurses deserve way more praise than we do. I also don’t think that you hate all footballers. You were really kind to Blly yesterday and he won’t forget that in a hurry. You really helped him.” he continued.

“I don’t hate Billy, and I don’t think I hate you either.” I said quietly, taking a sip of my coffee.

“That is interesting.” he grinned, as he took one of my hands and guided me over to him, to stand in between his legs where he now sat on the edge of my desk.

Instinctively I put my coffee cup down and he put his arms around my waist.

“It’s interesting?-” he cut me off before I could say anything else, by pressing his lips against mine. The kiss is soft and gentle and lasts only a few seconds. He testing me and my brain is going in so many different directions. Am I actually going back on all of my principles and kissing a fucking footballer right now? And am I only doing it because he reminds me of my ex?

He moves to pull away, breaking the contact between our lips and I let out the tiniest whimper before putting my hand on the back of his head and pulling him back in for more. This time his tongue slips past my parted lips. My hand at the back of his head grips a generous handful of his hair and one of his hands makes its way to my bum.

My body feels like it is on fire. It has been a bloody long time since anyone kissed or touched me, and I hadn’t quite realised just how starved of affection I had been until I got a taste of it, a taste of him.

The telephone on my desk started to ring,and although I tried to ignore it, I just couldn’t. My job meant a lot to me and if it were Marina or someone of equal importance I would be chastised for missing the call.

We broke the kiss at the same time and I apologised to him. He grinned and fired back that I didn’t need to apologise and that he needed to get back to training, and by the time I picked up the phone, he was gone.

[vtforpedro]

long, long health update - tw in tags please read them

I am going to speak very frankly about suicidal ideation; please don't read further if this is triggering for you ;3; but please know that I love you I had my follow-up appt with my neuropsych on monday to go over my results and whatnot. it was virtual, and I was in the middle of a head episode and I told her I wasn't doing well, but within about 5-10 minutes, she was saying I should probably go to the ER lkajflaj I guess it looked pretty bad lmao anyway I told her all the reasons I couldn't. medical trauma, being dismissed b/c I have doctors who manage my headaches, and I know it's not life-threatening even if it is 10/10 agonizing, so why are you here. they're so dismissive. she said that they have medication to possibly help break the cycle of constant migraines but I've been treated with those before and they didn't do shit migraines are secondary to iih. it's the iih that needs to be fixed ._. she said I still deserved to not suffer and that the ER is very strict about keeping covid patients away from other patients and I didn't have the heart to tell her they intubated a covid patient 10-15 feet away from me last time I was in an ER 😭 anyway so the results. she said she wasn't worried about anything going on that was concerning or indicating something wrong in my brain. I DID score quite a bit lower for someone my age on information processing (which is exactly what I said I was struggling with to my two neuros who were both like ehhh) and some issues with memory but they weren't super specific and so it could be something neurological, could be my migraines and constant agony lmao, could be my Emotional State. could be all of them at once, I suppose ;) she went into more detail about some of these things but it was the two questionnaires I filled out that were HNNN. so once all the data is entered from like 300 questions it shows a good look into my personality and perceptions and all that and it makes a cool little graph (OR SO I THOUGHT). the kind that looks like mountain peaks. so she points at the one that is waaay higher than the rest and nearly touching the top of the box and she's like 'do you see this one' me: yeah 😬 her: this is your feelings and ideations about suicide me: 😬 😩 😬 her: when I see a score this high, I stop what I'm doing and I call the police to have them escort you to a hospital me: 😬😬😬😬😬 her: but I didn't do that. because when we spoke in office you told me you felt this way and why you don't do it. you told me it's something you've lived with for a long time and the pain you are suffering is what makes it so bad. and I trust you me: 😭😭😭 okay her: do you see this line down here? this is people who have suicidal ideation recorded on this test. you scored 98% higher on suicidal ideation compared to people reporting suicidal ideation HNNNNNN. she said it probably wasn't surprising to me and asked me if I was safe again and all that. I assured her I was and said in my previous appointment; I've had suicidal thoughts since I was like 12? maybe earlier. there have been very few times in my life not surrounded by abuse and trauma so I'm never really free of it. I've had four traumatic incidents causing increasingly horrible episodes of ptsd in nine years. all through my 20s. still here woo, lol and she said she knew that and had a patient not long after my first appointment who had similar circumstances in their life. and they told her it's almost a comfort having it. cause I was saying it's in the back of my mind at all times and I won't do it, but yeah, it's always there. anyway she said they said the same thing; it's always there, always in the background as 'hey I'm an option!' even though we aren't going to harm ourselves. it's a comfort knowing there is an option even if we plan on never using it? idk it just spoke to me and I felt it in my soul we talked about some emotional stuff after and I cried and it was a thing. it felt really good to speak to a psychologist who, just as she was in the first appointment, seemed genuinely concerned and wanted to help

me. I told her I was ready for therapy and she said she'd already looked for therapists for me lkasjdlkja and gave me a group that I emailed yesterday. I don't think they'll take my insurance but she said to message her through the portal if they don't and she'll try to find someone who does I don't remember if I mentioned it, but since she knew about the head shit before I met her, she dimmed her office lights without asking if I needed it and like as soon as we started the virtual visit, she leaped up and dimmed them and said she should've thought about it before the appt 😭 (I keep my brightness really low on my computer and use the warming feature 24/7 on comp and phone and my apt is really dimmed but it still helped a lot when she did it) she kept saying 'you did nothing wrong. it was the choice of others to do what they did. you don't deserve to carry their choices. you deserve to be able to hand it back to them. you don't deserve to be in pain. you did nothing wrong. you deserve to be free of what they did and you deserve to not suffer in such physical pain' I'm so wary of doctors but I really like her and I feel fortunate to have been referred to her ;3; speaking for a long time and especially emotionally is hard for me, so I might try to do two sessions a month once I find a therapist and see if I'm ok with that. trying to keep everything virtual while delta is out there I read her report and her official diagnosis is uhh really strong for major depressive disorder, severe. and severe ptsd with disassociative symptoms so!!! I claimed both of those on my disability application and the person handling my claim told me when I had this appt to call and let her know because she wanted the info. I signed a release the day I was there when I told my neuropsych that cause MH stuff is different than other medical records. she said she faxed it to the woman handling my disability application but I was gonna call her and ask if she received it and also tell her I have a new neuro so she will probably request his stuff too I called today and her voicemail box is full so lol try again later today's been awful. last night was horrible. got a bill for over $800 from my colonoscopy/endoscopy even though I asked numerous times if insurance was covering it and was told yep, every penny. so I was on the phone with insurance and the surgery center for 45 minutes. insurance seemed confused af but the agent I spoke with got some help from people who handle this stuff I guess finally she told me not to pay it, they're going to send them a letter to get it sorted (idk if this means I won't have to pay it at all or if they're going to try to make it that way. but I think govt insurance, which is what I have, works differently. like doctors kinda have to follow what they say vs. the other way around) and not worry about it for the next 30 days. I'm still gonna worry about it lmao they used a nice scare tactic on the bill that this was the 'LAST AND FINAL NOTICE' despite the fact they've never sent me anything else. my mom and the insurance agent said nah that's just what they do to scare people into paying fuckin love america <3 land of the free. the american dream! greatest country on earth 💜🖕💜 I just don't want it to go to collections and have to fight credit bureaus to get it off my credit so it's not destroyed |: anyway my head hit like 10/10 bad while I was on the phone cause of the talking a lot and trying to PROCESS INFORMATION and stress and also the fucking hold music, which I have to hear in some way b/c I gotta know when they're back on the line hnnnnn bad day. it's 1pm and bad, bad, bad day. bad month all around. I want this shit to stop anyway. I'm sorry about the suicidal ideation talk, but it's important to talk about that stuff. it can get severe but it can also get better. it does, eventually, even if it comes and goes. it always does get better I'm sorry, I also really needed to get this down somewhere. feel like I'm going to explode emotionally AND physically and I need to talk about it. hopefully

soon I'll have a therapist to talk to so I can get a lot of this stuff worked on. got my whole life to chat about so it'll probably take a long time but I'm willing to let it lmao therapy doesn't usually work for me anymore but idk I've had a lot of shit happen in less than two years so maybe it will this time I'm trying! I really am trying if you read this rambling monster, thank you. love you all and please stay safe