#the worst 40 minutes spent of my fucking life

[limboraptor]

i fucking did it. piratecaviar alpha and omega au

[gravityfallsrenaissance]

I rewatched Gravity Falls with my sister and holy crap being an adult and watching everything Stan goes through is insane.

I’ve been working through some stuff in therapy and like, this man has made some mistakes but definitely did not deserve what the narrative did to him.

Screws up his brothers machine on accident? Homeless at 17 and doesn’t speak to his twin for 10 years. Sees his brother again when they’re both at the end of their respective ropes and in their worst places mentally? Gets in a fight that lands his brother trapped for 30 years while he takes his death and tries to open the technical monstrosity his brother built when this man hasn’t even finished high school. Gets his brother back after 30 years? Doesn’t get a scrap of acknowledgement and is told to move out and leave him alone. Has spent 40 years trying to fix and atone for his mistakes? Not even a thank you and gets emotional about it such that the spell against Bill doesn’t work.

What’s left? Oh I don’t know, how about losing all of your memories and sense of self, letting the narrative boil you down to nothing more than a mistake and the only way you’re capable of rectifying it is by ceasing to be yourself, as literally as possible.

Like, I’m sorry, but if Ford really was so unreceptive to actually talking/working through things, I think Stan had more than atoned for his mistakes. I don’t think he was a fuck up or that his takeaway from everything should be that he wasn’t worth it. That his sacrifice was what he owed the world for everything he did.

Because he didn’t do any of it alone.

And boo fucking hoo that Ford had to shoot his brother. If their places had been reversed I doubt Stan could have done the same.

I’m sorry, you trusted an inter dimensional demon, kept secrets because you were too prideful to ask for help or admit to your failings, and again too prideful to say thank you to your younger brother who spent 3 decades doing everything he could to get you back? Stop throwing such a tantrum and get off your high horse.

Sure Stan made mistakes, but Ford never seemed to learn from his.

Rewatching it I was actually angry at the ending, at the idea that when Stan is facing Bill he’s not even upset at the hand he’s been dealt. At the unfairness of it.

Because it was unfair.

And if I had a single gripe with the series at all I would wish for maybe one extra episode after Stan losing his memories and before getting them back. Just one single episode of Ford admitting how he hurt his brother, the role he played in the apocalypse, just 20 minutes of him coming to terms with his own flaws.

Because we as the audience know Ford isn’t perfect, but I need him to acknowledge that too.

There is so much fanfiction where Stan’s life is horribly lonely or traumatic in ways the show can’t cover or makes light of and I get it but also it’s clear other people relate to Stan feeling like all he’s done is make mistakes and that he deserves what he’s gone through and that is so NOT the case.

And I wish the official narrative would acknowledge that too.

[strniohoeee]

Paramour Pt. 2

Pairing: Chris Sturniolo X Female Reader

Synopsis: Y/N and Dominic head over to the triplets house for Madi’s birthday party. Reader and Chris express some heated words, and Chris is hurt by them. So what happens when someone can’t keep a secret, and things take a turn for the worst?🗣️

Warnings⚠️:. Fighting?? Chaos?? And just all around crazy shit🫢

Song for the imagine: Unfaithful- Rihanna

Read part 1 here

And to him, I just can’t be true

And I know that he knows I’m unfaithful

And it kills him inside

To know that I am happy with some other guy

I can see him dying

The last time I had any contact with Chris was exactly a week ago when I fell asleep in his arms, and awoke to an empty bed. I knew it was too good to be true. Shamelessly I got dressed, grabbing my stuff and headed home.

The only thing that started to stress me out was Dominic. He started looking at me weirdly, asking me weird questions and wanting to be with me every second of the day. His suspicions stopped when I spent every second of every day with him. Not by want or choice, but because Chris hadn’t contacted me again.

Dominic loosened up on me, but I knew he was still onto me. I had to tread carefully because any little slip up, and it would be over. This made me anxious and I think he took notice of this.

Today was Madi’s birthday party at the triplets house, and of course he wanted to come with me. He was actually friends with Matt, so this made it a bit dicey. On edge since the morning, but trying to play it cool.

“You almost ready babe?” He called out from my living room

“Yeah baby! One moment” I yelled back

I looked in the mirror and finished with my hair, makeup and outfit. But not liking the reflection looking back at me. I was upset with myself, but not upset because I was cheating. I was upset that I couldn’t keep Chris for myself. I was a piece of shit honestly.

I walked out to the living room showing Dominic my outfit.

“Looking good as always” he would say

A compliment I was tired of hearing. Chris would call me beautiful, gorgeous, a goddess, his beautiful, beautiful Y/N. All I got from Dom was a “looking good”…..whatever

“Thank you” I said giving him a weak smile

I grabbed Madi’s gift, and we walked out to his car. Hopping in as we started to head over. I lived 40 minutes from the triplets, and the whole ride my thoughts were racing. Having to act nonchalant with Chris like we didn’t just fuck a week ago.

“You okay?” Dom asked me

“What? Oh uh yeah I’m good” I said snapping out of it

“You seem anxious” he said

“Me anxious? Why do you say that?” I asked getting more nervous

“You’re rubbing your left ear, only something you do when you’re anxious” he said

This set me back. This was the first thing Chris noticed about me after a while of hanging out. I would rub my left ear when I was nervous and he would always laugh at me for it. In this moment when I needed to be serious all I could think about was my Christopher

“Oh well you know get togethers, they make me a little nervous” I said laughing

“I didn’t know that” he said looking over at me

“Oh? Well now you do” I said smiling at him

We engaged in a few conversations here and there, and before I knew it we pulled up to the triplets house, and it looked like we were the last ones to get there….fuck my life

We walked in and up the stairs everyone immediately turning to us

“Heyyyy” Nick called out over the music

“Hi guys” I said waving at them

We walked into the kitchen where they were all standing and talking. I walked up to Madi first giving her a hug as Dom said hi to Nick and Matt first

I handed her her gift and she thanked me as we chatted a bit.

Chris came up to me poking my side

“Hey stranger long time no see” he said opening his arms for a hug

What a player I laughed to myself

“Hi Chris” I said hugging him

Dominic walked over

“Yooo Chris” he said dabbing him up

God this was so painfully awkward to see in person….

“Dominic what’s up” he said smiling in his face like he wasn’t fucking me last week

“Nothing much, how you been man it’s been a while” he said

“Oh I been good you know just filming and hanging out with friends” he said

I slithered away and made my rounds to everyone else hugging them. Saying hi and giving hugs to Nick, Matt, Tril, Larray, Madi’s mom, Nate, Justin, Mary Lou and Jimmy…the whole fucking crew for Madi’s party

“Ohh Y/N we haven’t seen you in so long” Mary Lou said pulling me in for a tight hug

“I knowwwww I haven’t been to Boston in so long” I said

“It’s so good to see you again” she said pulling away

“Yes it’s great to see you guys doing well” I said looking at her and Jimmy

We had all talked and laughed. Just all catching up and having a great time for Madi’s party.

Mary Lou and Laura were in the kitchen setting up an extra table to connect to the other one, and preparing the food.

I went upstairs to use the restroom. But also I really needed a break from everyone. My mind was flooded with so many anxious thoughts. I had a bad feeling about today, and I couldn’t shake it off. I really wanted to leave, but we had just got here

As I left the bathroom and turned off the light Chris came around the corner. Scaring me

“Oh shit you scared me” I said letting out a breath of air

“Oh I didn’t mean to” he said smiling at me

“So uh…how’s it going” I said trying to break the awkwardness

“How’s it going? Really” he said laughing

“Sorry this is awkward for me okay” I said looking at him

“Come down to my room for a bit” he said pulling me in

“Chris no! We have to stop” I said pulling his hands off of me

“Why? Don’t you want this?” He said looking at me confused

“Chris I don’t know what I want okay” I said scoffing

“Yes you do” he replied

“Listen we can’t keep doing this okay” I told him looking him in the eyes

“Why not?” He says pulling me in again

“Stop okay! You’re hurting me, I’m hurting you, and we’re hurting Dominic” I said roughly pulling his hands off of me

“Oh come on baby you know it’s not like that” he said

“We can’t keep doing this. You had me and you didn’t want me and you dropped me” I said stepping back

“But I want you now” he said reaching out to grab me again

“No okay! You can’t just pick and choose when you want me. I’m tired of running into your arms every other week. This is bad…very bad for my relationship” I said shaking my head

“What made you change? We've been doing this for so long?” He said stepping back

“I just…” I couldn’t spit it out

“Huh?” He said sticking his head out

“I can’t keep doing this because it’s you who I want, and I can’t have you because you don’t want me. This is done whatever we had going on is over” I said

“Don’t be like that” he said getting upset

“Chris! It is over okay” I said getting upset

His demeanor changed, no longer his sweet face, but an angry one. He scoffs and goes to respond when Dominic appears

“Oh there you are!” He said looking at us

“Everything alright?” He says looking at Chris

“Yeah everything’s alright” I said

“We were just having a bit of an argument” Chris says giving him a fake smile

“Oh?” Dom says cocking his head to the side

“Yeah Chris is an idiot” I said pulling Dominic with me as we walked downstairs

A little more time passed, and Chris kept shooting daggers into my head from beside me. I however was ignoring his gaze as my anxiety began to spike.

“Alright dinners done” Laura called out

We all made our way to the table picking our seats

I of course sat next to Dominic, and Chris sat diagonally from me in front of Dom. I felt his stares and I tried to ignore him.

We were all eating with occasional conversations. I looked at Madi who was seated in front of me.

“Are you doing anything else for your birthday?” I asked her

“As of right now I’m not too sure my mom has something special planned so she says” Madi says to me

“Ohhh fun, and how about that guy you were seeing?” I asked her

“well I’m still seeing him, but nothing crazy, but there’s another guy I’m also seeing” she said laughing

“Ouuu I see! Got your options” i said laughing

“I know someone like that” Chris says looking at me

My eyes widening slightly at him

“Except she has a boyfriend and is messing around with a guy, so at least you Madi aren’t seeing a guy who has a girl” Chris goes on to state as he looks over at Madi

“Oh yeah I would never” she says laughing

If there’s a god out there, and if so God, if you can hear me…take me out right now I plead in my head

“Right isn’t that crazy like just break up with the guy” he says taking a sip of his drink

I really wanted to strangle him right now, but I kept my composure

“You know I had an ex like that” Dominic says to Chris

“Ohhhh really?” He says his eyes lighting up as he sits up in his seat

“Yeah, I couldn’t figure out why she would do such a thing” he said shaking his head

“I wonder why? You seem like an amazing guy” Chris says smiling as he nods his head at him

“Yeahhh but it’s alright I got Y/N, and she’s amazing” he says looking over at me and nudging me with his elbow

I look over at him taking a sip of my drink as I nod at him.

“Oh yeah I’m sure Y/N is the best” Chris said

“She really is” he responded back

Whoever has my voodoo doll right now stab it in the fucking eyes. Take me out of my misery already. This was going to go down hill I could already tell.

“Chr- Dominic! Could you uh pass me a piece of bread” I said clearing my throat really hoping my slip up fell on deaf ears, but I know they didn’t. Chris eyes glanced over at me and he lightly chuckled

Dom gave me a quick Look before passing me a piece of bread

“Thank you baby” I said smiling at him

He just nodded at me, his gaze lingering on me before going back to eating.

“So Y/N how have you been?” Mary Lou asks me

“Oh I’ve been good you know just working” I said smiling at her

“Oh I bet Chris has been telling me all about it” she says

I blink slowly trying to think of how to respond, while Dominic looks over at me in a questionable manner

“Really?” I said through my teeth

“Yeah! I’m so glad you guys are hanging out again” she states

Chris is looking down in embarrassment as he shoves food in his mouth

“Hanging out?” Dominic says looking over at me

“Well yeah you know I hang out with them all the time” I say to him

“Yeah he told me about how you guys saw Barbie and he cried” she said laughing

“You saw Barbie with Chris? You told me you went to see it with Courtney” Dom says fully turning to look at me

The kitchen going dead silent, I swear everyone could hear my heart beating out of my chest

“Oh uhh I saw it two times” I said

“What’s going on here?” He says looking between the both of us

“NOTHING” we both shout at the same time

“Are you….are you seeing Chris?” He asks me laughing

“What?” I said taking a sip of water

“You’re seeing Chris aren’t you” he says standing up

“No, no I’m not” I said looking up at him

“Are you having sex with my girl?” He suddenly turns to ask Chris

“DOM! Don’t be irrational” I said pulling at his arm

“No! Shut up” he says to me

“HEY DONT SAY THAT” everyone practically yells at him

“Are you two fucking? I’m going to ask one last time” he says looking at me

“You can not ask such a thing” I said shaking my head at him

“You piece of shit” he says looking at Chris

“Dom don’t! This isn’t his fault” I said looking at him

“Oh my god….you fucked Chris? You cheated on me?” He says running his hands through his hair

“I..” the words couldn’t even come out of my mouth

“How long?” He asks us

“We should go” I said standing up again

“HOW LONG” he yells

“Let’s leave now” I say pushing him back to walk out of the kitchen

“A year” Chris blurts out

Dom and I both stop and look over at Chris

“A year?” Dom says laughing

“Dom listen” I began to say

“A FUCKING YEAR? YOUVE BEEN CHEATING ON ME FOR A YEAR….” He says walking away and runni. His hands through his hair

“Dom please listen to me okay” I say trying to plead with him

“I can’t” he says rubbing his hands on his face

I turn around and look at Chris

“What have you done” I said looking at him

“I can’t hide this anymore” he responded

“This is not how it was supposed to go” I said

My world was crumbling and I had an audience to watch….how embarrassing

“I’m going to kill him” Dom says quietly

“We need to leave now” I said to Dom

“Don’t forget to take your black lace thong with you…you left it last week” Chris says with a smug expression

Oh my god….

“I’m gonna fucking KILL HIM” Dom yells

“STOP IT” I yelled pushing him back

“YOURE RUINING THE PARTY YOU ASSHOLE” I said to him

“I’m ruining the party? You been fucking Chris for a YEAR” he says yelling the last part

“And she loved every minute of it” Chris says standing up

“STOP” I yelled looking over at Chris

Next thing I know Dom pushed me out of the way and charged over to Chris. Everyone trying to hold him back, but he broke free

He shoved Chris

“You think youre hot shit for fucking my girl” he said

“Listen she wanted it” he says shrugging his shoulders

Next thing I know, Dom's fist connected with Chris' nose. Sending him back a few feet

“Dominic stop this” I plead trying to get to him

Chris immediately starts punching Dom and a huge brawl breaks out

What have I done….this was not how it was supposed to go

Everyone screaming for them to stop as the guys tried to pull them apart

They were scuffling on the floor, and all that could be heard was screaming, cursing and things falling down

“Get off of him” Matt started to say

Somehow they got back up and Chris slammed him onto the table. Glass breaking and dishes falling to the floor.

I have never wanted to disappear more than now

“Madi I’m so sorry” I say looking over at her

“Don’t worry about it” she says pulling me in

“I fucked up big time” I said looking at her

“Listen this is free entertainment okay” she says giving me a reassuring smile

Finally the guys were able to separate them

“Fuck you” Chris yelled at him

“You’re a piece of shit. Going after a man’s girl” he says smugly

“That’s not how it went…ask your girl” Chris says spitting blood on the floor

“The fuck are you saying” Dom states back

“Y/N never wanted you. It’s me who she wants. She stayed with you because she pities you. Go on ask her” Chris says laughing at him

“Is this true?” Dom asked me

“I think you should leave” I said looking down

“Are you serious right now?” He says defeated

“Just go okay….go” I said looking at him

“I can’t believe you right now” he says scoffing at me

Jimmy and Justin get Dom outside, and I run over into the kitchen to clean up the mess

“I’m so sorry guys…I messed up badly and I ruined everything” I said picking up glass

“Listen Y/N you may have done the wrong thing, but you need to make this right” Laura said

“Well clean this, go check on Chris” Mary says giving me sad eyes

I nodded and walked down to Chris' room.

I heard him in the bathroom spitting blood into the sink

“I’m sorry” I said to him in a whisper

“This wasn’t your fault” he said looking at me through the mirror

“Yes it is, and it has been for the last year” I said walking into the bathroom fully

“I threw you under the bus, and that was wrong. I was just upset” he said spitting more blood out

“Don’t worry about that, let me clean you up” I said

Chris sat on the toilet after rinsing his mouth with water while I took out the first aid kit.

“Let me see” I said

I examined his face. His blue eyes casting brighter against the dark blood that was peppered along his skin.

I wiped the blood from his nose, and from his busted lip. Cleaning it with peroxide so that it wouldn’t burn.

His left under eye slowly becomes purple with a bruise.

“He got you good” I said looking at him

“I know” he says looking at me

“But you got him better” I said rubbing ointment on his bruise

“And I got to keep his girl” he replied laughing a bit

“Chris” I said looking at him with a blank expression

“Too soon?” He says laughing and then wincing at the pain from the busted lip

“Too soon” I said in a hushed tone

I looked down at his hands, his knuckles cut, bleeding ns bruised

I wiped his hands clean and cleaned them with peroxide.

“I guess I was just so tired of seeing you unhappy with him” he randomly blurts out

“So you caused a big scene?” I said looking into his eyes

“I suppose so” he replied

“I wanted to break up with him on my own time” I said to Chris

“Well I want you now, and I couldn’t wait for you to keep brushing it off” he said

“You want me?” I said wiping his knuckled again

“I was just so scared of commitment. It’s a Scary thing, you know. To give all your time and energy to someone, and they could turn around and vanish” he said in a whisper

“I wouldn’t do that to you” I said rubbing ointment on his knuckles

“I know that now” he said

“You were the only man I was ever 100% about, and when I couldn’t have you as my own. I settled for whatever part of you I could have. I used Dominic to fill that cold void of you not by my side, and the warmth would come back when I laid in your bed as you worshiped my body” I stated

“I have always been 100% about you, and I let my stupid thoughts get in the way. When I saw you with Dom I was hurt, and I was angry with myself for not realizing sooner that…” be cut himself off

“That what?” I said reading his eyes for an answer

“That I love you Y/N” he says looking into my eyes

“That I have loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you. From the moment you walked into my life to the moment you walked out. Because I knew deep down you were the one for me” he says scanning my face

“I love you Chris” I said looking down at him

“The love I had for you caused me pain and pleasure all at once. To know that I had you, and I let you slip right through my fingers. I should’ve fought for us harder” I said closing the first aid kit

“It was I who should’ve fought for us” he said standing up

“I love you Christopher” I said looking up at him

“And I love you Y/N” he says

Chris pulled me in, rubbing his right thumb over my bottom lip. Looking at me really taking me in.

“My beautiful, beautiful Y/N” he whispers before crashing our lips together

This kiss was the last piece to my puzzle. He was my everything. His lips molded to mine in a way no others could.

Chris knew me and I knew him.

I was no longer a paramour, but a muse that would keep us going….I loved him with every fiber in my body

He was mine for all of eternity.

The End

Alrightttt part 2 hahahah! I hope you guys enjoyed this one as much as I enjoyed writing it!❤️❤️ I love yall sooooo much, and I’m so grateful for the support yall are amazing…much love 🤭🖤🖤

-J💅🏽

@rac00ns-are-c00l4 @slumpedvioooo

[dreaminginthedeepsouth]

Help me Horn Honkers. I am about to act up.

This post is NSFW and it's bound to offend some in either language or content so save yourself now because management is not responsible for a damn thing today.

Donald Trump has gone too far.

Trump had a town hall in Pennsylvania last night where he spent the last 40 minutes not answering questions or outlining policy -- not even lyin' like a no-legged dog, per usual -- but playing music and swaying.

Playing music. And swaying.

What in the shiny white, flag shagging, oxycodone, burned books, hillbilly handmaid's tale, butt-end of a knocked-up beauty queen was going on here?

Imagine if Joe Biden had done this. They'd have popped him in the mental home.

So I'm sitting there, head tilted like a parrot watching a porn film, staring at this awkward anti-Democracy dance party.

I was afraid to blink.

"YMCA" was in the music rotation. Some people attempted the arm moves and it was so bad that astronauts tried to turn the International Space Station around and not face Earth.

Then, Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" by Rufus Wainwright.

My butt clutched a couch cushion.

HOW. DARE. HE.

How very dare they play a Leonard Cohen song for those mashed assholes who clap on the one and the three.

They don't deserve Leonard Cohen. Or Rufus Wainwright.

But that's not the worst part.

Please sit.

He played Elvis Presley.

They played both the video and the music of Elvis in Hawai'i singing "American Trilogy" (including the "Dixie" intro. I know that song offends some and I'm not here to offend in that manner. I get it. God help me, l love Mickey Newbury's three-song arrangement Elvis performed in 1972. By the time he gets to "All My Trials” it's hotter than doughnut grease.)

I actually stood up and screamed "WHERE ARE THE LAWYERS!" which I don't think I've ever actually screamed in my life, at least not consciously.

Hear me. The GOP better learn to braid water before they fuck with me like this again.

Sleep well, middle finger. Early voting has started.

(Thera Cat Jaramillo)

[manias-wordcount]

Prompt if you dont mind but uhhhhh

Female Reader and spike spiegel where both just kinda shoving off their feelings for the other like "nah i dont want to make it weird they probably dont like me!"

But theyre both so down bad that theyre like okay im gunna go to the bar and get with the nearest stranger to get THEM out of my system!

But when theyre in the stalls (like a gloryhole type thing ) they dont recognize the others voice and they both have cold feet and just vaguely talk about who there aching for

Then they both exit their stalls and are like !!!??? And then they just kiss passionately

Does not have to lead to smut but ya know ~

Also I hope you are having a wonderful week too! 🫶🫶🫶

Awkward Unknowing Confession HCs (Spike Spiegel)

𝗔/𝗡: 𝗲𝗻𝗷𝗼𝘆!

𝘀𝗽𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘀 𝗳𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗹𝘂𝗯 𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗹𝗶𝘀𝘁: @dogsandrocketsocks @pittbull-enthusiast @asuperconfusedgirl @rendartgrimson

𝙒𝙖𝙣𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙 𝙢𝙤𝙧𝙚? ⇒ 𝙈𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙧𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙩

𝙟𝙤𝙞𝙣 𝙢𝙮 𝙙𝙞𝙨𝙘𝙤𝙧𝙙 𝙨𝙚𝙧𝙫𝙚𝙧?

𝙗𝙪𝙮 𝙢𝙚 𝙖 𝙘𝙤𝙛𝙛𝙚𝙚?

Showing up to a glory hole when you’re only a little bit drunk was probably supposed to be the worst decision of your life

Yet somehow you just spent 40 minutes talking to the stranger on the other side about your huge, huge, huge crush on your partner

And he’s spent those same 40 minutes doing the exact same thing to you

In your defense, he had a really really attractive voice

If you already hadn’t fallen for Spike, who knows? You might have fallen for this guy too

But when your hour was up and people were banging on his side of the wall to get a turn, you guys said your goodbyes

It was kinda bittersweet- especially now that you were practically sober 

But it was really nice to talk about your love life to someone

Especially someone who you’re never going to see again after this moment

Anyways queue pointing Spiderman meme when you both walkout and see each other almost instantly

Suddenly everything makes a lot of sense

And even more suddenly, everything is a lot more embarrassing

Seriously- he’s almost as red in the face as you feel 

Of course, you both book it out of there as fast as you possibly can and he takes you someplace a little private

Naturally, it’s still super awkward considering you both managed to poor your heart out to each other at a glory hole of all places

But then you guys just look at each and realize- fuck it

All the cards are out on the table, so what’s wrong with playing the hand now?

That was the first time of many you managed to kiss Spike Spiegel

And the absolute last time you go to a glory hole

Even if it was just to talk LOL

[pimpslipback]

Oh, fuck! I had one of the worst days in my life! I needed to go on additional math lessons, they're happening in a different part of the city, and I don't know this part very well, nor do i know the buss traffic... So i was very late! I just spent 40 minutes walking around the city, pathetic, miserable! Cool ain't it?! So yeah, now when I'm home i drunk some alcohol to numb the pain, it's not a good idea, but honestly i feel too bad to even think. All i want is to end it all

[mcalhenwrites]

I am still alive but have no spoons to directly reply to anyone right now. I'm working on stuff with roommate and therapy, but... unless the money situation improves, my life won't. There are no good days to return to. The problem is, I have a collective 39 years that have added to nothing. And I have still tried to be optimistic. To work through the chronic pain to write, work, and be there for my friends when they need me. (But it all gets harder the more time that passes.) When people still say I'm a good friend, I'm baffled. I don't see it. My writing isn't working out. I need it to, or I will not survive financially, and it just seems a little cruel to ask me to hold out and hold out for something that's never going to happen - all so I can die the hardest possible way in the end, bc I fought like hell to still be at the bottom. I'm not currently suicidal, but I'm pretty much just going day-by-day, trying to find improvements and realizing it all comes down to the same issue: I have no money. And the issue isn't "fix health to work more at a job that isn't writing" - I can manage fibromyalgia and IBS, and the latter costs money to obtain the correct food to do so. I qualify for medicaid; I don't qualify for food assistance now that I work a job! I quit crochet and people threw a tantrum, and if you want to see my self-defensive "I CANNOT DO THIS AND WILL NOT AND FUCK OFF" as a tantrum... go ahead. I do not give a fuck. I love writing. I did it even when I knew it was awful, bc I figured the more I did it, the more I would improve. I worked hard. It just isn't good enough for the world. That's okay. I have always been a loser at everything. Everything ties back to writing: I need to do it for my comfort and therapy. I want my stories out there bc I want to be able to offer other people that comfort. Too many of us come from abusive households, and some of us had it shape our mental health and our sexualities. I need to publish to make money to survive, bc I can write while bedridden. I can write while most of my body is sore and my eyes are half-closed and I'm bored but unable to play games or read or clean or anything else due to physical pain/exhaustion. (And yes, there are times writing is also impossible, and I'm crying in bed bc of the pain intensity levels.) Unless you have a chronic pain issue coupled with comorbidities, I don't want your lectures or assumptions. I don't want to hear that there is "help" while I watched the system try to push my autistic brother into a goodwill job that falls below min wage, and when he wasn't able to handle the responsibilities, they've basically refused to help him otherwise. Even though my brother is capable of many things, he is "disabled" in the system, and they want to insert him into a fixed situation they put all disabled people. I'm doing better than him financially, but when my parents go, he has no one. And I can't be that person, ever. I can't even get my dog back right now. I can barely afford to visit him, but I'm going to anyway soon bc I need to hug him or I really will fucking off myself. I need a lot of support to get my writing off the ground, and I'm never going to deserve it. If I did, it would have happened by now. My roommate wants me to keep trying, but... I don't have hope it'll work out. Right now, I'm so overworked I can barely get any writing done. And I'm working about 15 hours a week. At a low-demand job where I sit most of the time, and cleaning maybe takes 40 minutes at its WORST. Yeah. I'm pathetic indeed. I can't help but feel that way. And when I give myself a little treat to survive the next day, it's at a steep cost to my future. I can buy a book and go to the library, but at the end of the day, that's all time and money that should have been spent on work and saving. Life is punishing, and I just don't know if I can keep being punished. I'm not even this kind of masochist lol

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #243

What do you want for your birthday? I think I'll get a piercing, but my mind could very well change by then.

What’s your favorite flavor of tea? I hate tea.

What’s your favorite fall drink? Hot chocolate.

What’re you going to be for Halloween? I'm not dressing up. Don't have the money to buy a costume, don't have the motivation to make one. I also don't do anything.

Do you think you’ve learned a lot and grown a lot in the past year? I don't know. I've just struggled a lot the past year. There was around a two-month period where I was in my worst mental state since the start of '17, and I've only barely improved.

Are you satisfied with how you’ve spent your year? NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Again, I've struggled. I've been particularly upset that I haven't done a photoshoot since LAST November. That was my last one. I've barely touched my camera. The few pictures I've taken, I haven't liked enough to really do anything with.

Do you have a lot of friends? No.

Do you own a yellow scarf? I don't.

Do you own anything leopard print? No, not a fan.

Will you buy a cake for your next birthday? I mean, *I* won't, but Mom probably will, unless she makes one.

Are you excited for something currently? I'm looking forward to playing more of the Silent Hill 2 remake with Girt.

If you could change just one thing about your life right now, what would it be? I just wish I was in a mentally better place. It would help me with a lot of other things.

What’s your favorite color? Pink, particularly lighter hues.

Are you artistic? I think so. I just wish I exercised that more often.

When was that last time you drew a picture in a sketchbook? A few months ago.

Is there a tree right outside your bedroom window? There is, actually. Crape myrtle tree.

Have you ever dressed up as a witch on Halloween? I have.

Have you ever been to a masquerade? No.

Do you eat vegetables? I mean, I do, but not often or with much diversity at all. I tend to not enjoy vegetables.

Is there anybody you think is hot over the age of 40? There are people in their 50s I find hot lmao

Did anything bad happen to you in August? It was either July or August when my anhedonia just got so, so much worse and I REALLY struggled to get through the day.

Who in your phone has a heart after their name? Girt.

Do you think your last ex deserves to die? No. I may not like her, at all, but no.

Do any girls like the last guy you kissed? I mean possibly? I trust Girt, though.

Have you done anything sexual today? No, it's actually been a HOT hot minute, just because I haven't been in the mood. Girt doesn't push me or complain about it, even if I have my times of worrying about not giving him enough.

Do you have a second mom? I mean, I have a stepmom. I don't see her as a "mom" to me though, my dad remarried when I was basically an adult, and besides, she's a massive fucking bigot so I struggle to bond with her properly. We're perfectly mannerly with one another, but knowing the shit she believes, it's hard to actually love her. But she makes my dad happy, and that matters to me.

Other than your name, what was the last name someone called you? Ozz. Derivative of the screenname I usually use.

If you could find one long lost friend of the past, who would it be? Megan. I shouldn't care about her, but I do.

Was your sixth grade teacher a man or a woman? I had different teachers for each class in middle school. I remember my math teacher was a male, maybe others, my middle school memories are foggy.

Have you ever had any teeth pulled? My wisdom teeth, which I only had two of.

Do you wash your hair or your body first when taking a shower? Hair.

Have you ever eaten something other people might think is gross? Sure. People hate hot dogs (even I think the concept's gross), but I like them.

When was the last time you colored with crayons? Probably sometime during a psych hospital stay.

When you were a kid, who was your best pal? Varied with grade/age. There was Brianna, Kim, Jenna, Quiata...

Have you ever been to a nursing home? Visited, yes. That's where Girt's grandma is.

Do you own any board games? Somewhere.

Were you born in the state you live in? Yes.

Have you ever lived in a house that has been broken into? No, thank fuck.

Who do you know that watches the most sports? God, probably some AWFUL in-law of Ashley's. He's such an ass, he literally comes into her house and immediately demands she turns "the game" on. I can't even remember exactly who he is, but Ash can't stand his ass, he's so rude.

Have you ever been 4-wheeling? I have.

Will you be attending any weddings in the near future? Next November my younger sister gets married, but that's not exactly the very NEAR future.

Do you live anywhere near the woods? Tragically no.

Do you have any important anniversaries you celebrate? Mine and Girt's.

What’s your favourite brand of energy drink? I don’t drink energy drinks.

Do you have (or have you ever had) acne? I did growing up. At around 17 or 18 it stopped being a big thing.

What will be the next concert you attend? Hell if I know.

Can you rap? There ain't no way in hell I could.

What do you usually order when you’re at McDonald’s? Quarter pounder or McDouble, fries, Coke.

Do you like to wear long, dangling earrings? No, I really can't. I got my lobe piercings at Claire's, which is very unprofessional, and I think they pierced too low, especially my left lobe, because the hole tore quite badly to where the hole has very nearly torn through. Dangling earrings make it worse, I think.

Do you pay any attention to your country’s politics? Mostly, I think. But it can get overwhelming, and I CERTAINLY don't know everything.

Tell me about the sickest you’ve ever felt. Probably this time I had the stomach virus super fuckin' bad, puked a lot to where barely bile would come up, and my abdominal muscles were in a lot of pain.

Any important birthdays coming up? My boyfriend's nephew's bday is next month, I go to his birthday parties.

Fireworks: yay or nay? Fireworks shouldn't be legal. They disturb the hell out of animals (some animals LITERALLY die from fear), people with trauma too, and they cause waste. It's not worth it.

Think of the last long car trip you had, where did you go? Charlotte.

Do you have a Twitter account that you use regularly? Fuck Twitter.

Have you ever seen a horseshoe crab? They’re scary, right?! I have not. I wouldn't call them scary, but their undersides can be a bit creepy with all the legs moving.

Do you like people watching and is it something you do often? If so, where are your favorite locations to do so? Not really, I just don't care.

The last time you ate leftovers, what was it that you were eating? Pizza.

What is your favorite board that you've made on Pinterest? Rammstein pics lmao

Do you get on Facebook or Instagram more? Facebook.

What was the last thing you ate or drank that was blue raspberry-flavored? Mountain Dew Voltage.

What was the last song you listened to? I'm not sure.

Have you discovered any new hobbies in the past couple months? No.

What's the wildest animal you've ever come in contact with? I'm not sure.

Do you ever question if your mother loves you? No.

What is your favorite type of Lunchables? The nachos one.

Are any of your siblings' friends like family to you? No.

Do you have any friends who you exchange memes with? Ha, Girt.

Are you in any Discord servers? How often do you use them? I'm actively in a meerkat RP one. I'm also in the Rammstein server that is primarily the Tumblr fanbase, but I'm not active there because it's too active for me to keep up, I get overwhelmed.

Have you ever had to see an emergency vet after hours? I don't think so?

When was the last time you sat under a blanket on a couch? I dunno, it's been a long time.

Can you bite into ice cream or are your teeth too sensitive? I can.

Do you know anyone who's been bitten by a snake? Maybe at one point or another.

Do you prefer strawberries or cherries? I hate cherries, meanwhile strawberries are my favorite fruit.

Biggest insecurity? My weight.

Describe your mom with one word. Selfless.

Do you like fast food or does it disgust you? I HATE how much I tend to enjoy fast food. I know it's not good for you, but.

Who was the last person you kissed? Girt.

What’s your favourite alcoholic drink? Sangrias.

Do you like the smell of BBQs? I like the smell, but hate the taste of southern BBQ. I know elsewhere a "barbecue" just means burgers and hot dogs on the grill, which I like, but southern BBQ is garbage to me, I can't eat it.

Do wasps scare you? Yes.

Have you ever worn flip flops in the snow? I sure have lmfao. Not very heavy snow, though. And I wouldn't if I was STAYING in the snow for more than a minute.

Have you ever heard people having sex in the next room? Yes.

Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? Thank fuck no.

Have you ever lost your voice? Yes. This happened bad the first time I had Covid.

Did you ever have an emo or scene phase? Emo, yes.

Could you see yourself having a child with the last person you kissed? We don't want kids.

Which of the guys you’ve been interested in hurt you the most? Jason.

Do you know anyone who is engaged? Yes, my younger sister is among them.

What are you listening to? A John Wolfe let's play of Red Dead Redemption 2.

What was the last thing you looked up on Google? How to get the "Leave" ending in the SH2 remake to see if it's changed from the base game and just as a reminder since there are multiple factors. When Girt and I played the OG, I aimed us for "In Water" since it's my favorite, so I want him to see a new one.

Ever been kissed on the leg? I mean probably.

Do you think you are ready to be on your own (have your own home, job, etc.)? I very firmly believe I could never survive living solely on my own for many reasons.

Are you friends with someone who’s autistic? Yes.

Have you ever had a Big Mac? No, considering I don't like lettuce on my burgers.

[hevanderson]

imagine a season 4 drizzle au tumblr simulator lol that's so niche nobody would like that

(2 notes)

⭐️ shiningstar Follow

One of my roommates is crying in the other room while I'm rehearsing a number for my dance class. Having roommates really sucks! :(

#If they make me flunk out of NYADA #I will never let them hear the end of this. #Rachel rambles

(5 notes)

👔 fashionstatement Follow

I think getting scolded by your boss at your job at VOGUE.com is incredibly unfair. I need to keep my colleagues in the know. I should not be punished for this. Nobody tell my boss I said this I'm the only one in my apartment who works.

#so what if it doesn't pertain to the job #these 40 year olds are my friends #and with the life i currently have someone needs to know okay!

(11 notes)

anonymous asked: AITA for cheating on my boyfriend? He was being super neglectful and focusing on his job, which he doesn't even need because I have a lot of money and could provide for him because I'm a great boyfriend. I didn't have any other choice because he refuses tobcommunicate. It wasn't even that serious, and I feel really bad about it, but he won't take me back. He even throws away the hand made cards I make him.

🌆 aita-nyada answered:

what do these acronyms mean?

(2,013 notes)

🐤 bowties-with-pride Follow

I'm seriouslu goign to do it tjis time he threw away ome of tje notes I spent twenty minutes of class time on,. It even had an origami swan witj it.

#TW suicide threat #TW abusive behavior

(11 notes)

🪽 songbirdpez Follow

Bullying him is so fucking funny like it's unreal

#I cope with my break up like a normal person #By bullying people I know on Tumblr

anonymous asked: Maybe it was the bowties that made him break up with you? I'm p sure he's fine with cheating, just not bowties

🐤 bowties-with-pride answered: Hwo dare yuo. Stop lying abour him he lovesd my bowties okay he Bought me one for Christmas. And he hates chesting that's why he hates me and broke up witj me and wants me to die

#TW bullying #TW anonymous hate #TW lies #Asks!

(14 notes)

🪽 songbirdpez Follow

I love being the only normal one in my friend group

(78 notes)

🐍 garbageface2 Follow

WHY ARE THYE SO FUCKING HAPPY IHOPE YOU DIE WHY DOES SHE LIKE MY RICHER COUSIN THIS IS THE FUCKING WORST

(0 notes)

🐱 unicat Follow

Date with sugar at breadstix was really nice there was a bug in my spaghetti and his name is Gerald and he tasted really good

💰 spoonfulof Follow

awwww im srry bby :((((( i should have my daddy buy breadstix and also every single bug so that never happens again!!!!!

🐱 unicat Follow

It actually tasted better this way

[nebsstories]

The Birthday Bash

—

Authors note:

I’ve conceptualized this scenario I think about a year ago, but hadn’t found the time or inspiration to write it down until now.

This story was inspired off of @cupcakeshakesnake’s Harbor Town AU, and the contents of this story is loosely based off another story I’ve read, please DM me for more details.

—

Be me, I’m just right out of college and I have no idea what to do with my life; degree is utterly useless so I look at local businesses, wanted to find somewhere I can stay until I can get a better job. I happened to live 10 minutes away from the local rat casino known as, “Chuck-E-Cheese”. It’s better than nothing, I guess. Go in, do interview, really basic stuff; guy interviewing me asks, “When can you start?”

On that day I sold my soul to the Chuck-E-Cheese company. That day began one of the worst experiences of my life.

I started that following Monday, making $10 on the hour, so it’s okay, I guess. I spent most of my week up until Friday getting acquainted with my fellow coworkers. Free food’s also a plus, pizza’s alright but I’ll take it. I clock in that fateful Saturday morning, my manager greets me at the door, she tells me that Saturday’s are usually when it’s at its peak so we’ll be swamped today. Oh and, there’s a big birthday scheduled tonight, and all I can hear from the poor guy wearing the costume is a low, yet audible, “Fuck my life.”

I cannot even begin to imagine how awful it’d be to be surrounded by fifty or so grease coated crotch goblins all at once, all the while dying of heatstroke in a furry costume. At least the building was air conditioned, because I heard that the suit doesn’t have ventilation, meaning it’s hot as the devil’s asshole at times. I was tasked with setting up the party area, the decorations were already provided to us and the theme was apparent from the skull and crossbones.

Around 4 in the afternoon, the rush starts to die down and we get a momentary feeling of euphoric silence, relief washed over us, though we were fools to think it’d last forever. We watched as tired parents dragged out their sugar high children, as the kingdom they’d lorded over was lost to them. In the wake of their foul dominion, the arcade games became sticky and greasy to the touch, they’d stained the carpets with spilled sodas and slices of mediocre pizza, in that moment I foolishly thought, “This can’t get any worse than the hell on earth I’d just witnessed.”

4:30pm on the dot, a man steps in. He looks like the sort of boho rockstar you’d see thrown up from the peak of 80’s rock and roll, with as much swagger in his step and a cool demeanor as he greeted the girl that gives all the kids the ink stamps (which are “invisible” until shown under a blacklight).

“‘Ello, I’ve a birthday reservation for Jackie, party of 40.” He follows up.

My heart stopped, my blood ran cold as the number echoed in my mind. He did not just say 40, I thought he was bluffing so I poked my head out to get a glance. Standing behind him was an army. An army of fun sized pirates. This man brought in an entire grade level to this Chuck-E-Cheese and we were at the brunt of it all.

Before I could dip my head into my manager’s office to fake sick, the kids flood the place. Cry havoc! And let slip the dogs of war, as instantaneously, children storm the restaurant; they take to the playhouse, the arcade, the party area. The place is nearly full and bursting at the seams with them, and as we pushed on, our manager cowardly hid within the confines of the office. Meanwhile, the rest of us are panicking, chefs are stressing - their nerves pulsating and brows glistening with sweat from the amount of pizza they have to keep pumping out. It’s a madhouse, it’s anarchy!

Rockstar here isn’t doing jack shit, he’s just leaning against the wall playing guitar and waiting for it to be over. Another adult - a biker looking man, just got jumped by 20 or so children. Proudly, one boy, with a wide brimmed hat adorned by a single plumed feather and a toy monkey around his torso, holds up the poor man’s wallet. “Gents! Our hope is restored!” The other members of his crew cheer loudly, leaving the man they’d just mugged on the floor to abuse his poor aching debit card in exchange for tokens.

Outside the restaurant, I spotted Mayor Swann with his daughter in tow and a birthday present in her hand, then him taking one look at the chaos and deciding in that moment to turn around and leave. No doubt lying to his child that the restaurant had closed. Forever. No wait, take me with you, Mr. Mayor!

My train of thought was interrupted when one of the children, a boy with his hair pulled back into a ponytail asks me, “Excuse me sir, when is the show?”

Another chimes in, this one must be the birthday boy, Jack. I’d never seen a kid look this smug my entire life, “Oi, we’ve invoked the right of Parlay, we demand to see Charles Entertainment Cheese.”

I stuttered for a brief moment to regain my composure. What have I just gotten myself into? “It’s coming soon, kiddos!” Luckily, that was enough to suffice, as they’d rush back to the arcade.

Eventually the animatronic show from hell begins, the band begins playing kids songs. I don’t know what these kids were expecting, but it’s clear that the works of Scott Cawthon had done a number on their minds, as one of the children in attendance - probably the one with the slicked back ponytail, begins freaking out. One of my coworkers has to swoop in to make the kid happy. Others that were paying attention kept asking, “Where’s Freddy Fazbear?” The kids are now chanting, “Freddy! Freddy! Freddy!” I’m surprised with the pirate theme they’re not clamoring for Foxy. One chubby kid, miraculously gets up to the Chuck E animatronic, begins shaking him whilst interrogating him on the whereabouts of Freddy and his gang. He’s shaken the robot enough times where it’s god damn head FALLS OFF. Screaming ensues. I’m amazed this kid didn’t put Chuck E”s head on a pike a la Lord of the Flies, though even then I’m sure half of them will need therapy after seeing their fellow pirate brethren decapitate their beloved, cheese eating deity.

While most of the party was distracted, two of them have managed to SNEAK INTO THE KITCHEN and are stealing toppings off the pizzas. Not off the prep stations, but straight off the pizzas, I’m pretty sure half of them don’t even wash their hands. We had to remake them because we didn’t want the health department on our asses.

One of them managed to steal a whole pizza for himself and scarf it down near the ballpit. I think it was one with the wide-brimmed hat.

The birthday boy was easily the worst of the bunch; within two hours, he’d managed to hop behind the prize counter while the guy working there escaped for a bathroom break, took every miniature tote bag off the rack and used them to stuff as much prizes as he could carry. His little arms made him look like a coat rack as he waddled out from behind the corner with his treasure.

And I’ll bet you’re wondering, where was I in the chaos? Being tormented by a duo, the kid who decapitated Chuck E and another who wore an eyepatch, asking me question after question. You know, things a kid would ask like, “Whatcha doing?” Or, “What’s the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?” Actually, the one with the eyepatch kept throwing those curve balls and it made me wonder what this kid was doing in his spare time.

Then the dinner bell rang, or rather, the rockstar parent called, “Pizza’s ready!” Finally, a moment of calm as slices are distributed amongst the group. But all hell breaks loose when the sodas are passed around. Oh god no, god please no, literally give them anything but soda. It’s too late now, that bastard knew what he was doing. It was like watching the fireworks at a Fourth of July celebration, as these kids practically exploded with sugar-induced adrenaline pumping through their little bodies.

Then the final blow: the cake. Ah yes, what a cake, I remember it fondly. No expense was spared for this occasion, when most parents provided a sheet cake from their local grocery store, rockstar here provided an elaborate cake worthy of 40 or so screaming children. A treasure chest; with chocolate gold coins, the strings of pearls made from modeling chocolate and candied necklaces, precious gems made from rock candy for that nice pop of color, and a delicate map made from marzipan that read, “Happy Birthday Captain Sparrow!”

It was carried in by a man who looked to be about my age, his hair pulled back into a ponytail like that kid from earlier - though I assure you, his was messier than in comparison to the kid, and he’d be wearing a dark blue shirt. Ah, now I recognize him; James Norrington, he was an elementary school teacher but he also worked the Tortuga Arcade during Winter Break. Really nice guy. A moment of silence fell once the door opened, all the children nearly gave themselves whiplash to stare at the newcomer.

“Oh look,” they’d think, “another adult we’ve yet to wear out.”

I’m just mentally screaming at this man, “Run! Run while you still can!!”

It was in vain, as the screech of, “Cake!” Coming from the birthday boy signaled the others to descend upon him. The man struggled to keep the cake out of their grasps, holding it high up and calling, “Mr. Teague, would you please provide me with some assistance? And where is Mr. Teach?”

Mugged and still laying facedown on the floor. That cannot look comfortable, but I suppose playing dead was miles better than the alternative, which was staying awake for this mess.

Finally, rockstar does something, casually getting past the crowd to retrieve the cake with a simple, “Thanks.” Manager asks me to do a headcount, make sure the kids were all still here and not somehow sneaking out into the rooftop or something.

37…38…39…oh shit. Where’s the birthday boy?

I couldn’t just make my panic known, so I started poking around the restaurant for him, I’d even asked one of my coworkers to check the roof for the birthday boy. And Mr. Teague was beginning to notice. God, I didn’t want to tell him I’d somehow lost his kid. But, then I realized that, he wasn’t looking at me; he was looking straight at the play area. And as luck would have it, there in the ball pit, I see the kid’s head poking out with a smug grin. Thank god.

After cake and presents was when the real damage kicks in, chairs are now flying, one of our front windows gets smashed into a million pieces, and now requires repairs. I don’t even know HOW they can even find the strength to accomplish that, so I’m mildly impressed. The manager’s office is then stormed and papers flew everywhere and into the party area. Of course Mr. Sparrow nor Mr. Teach don’t end up paying for damages, not like we’d want their money anyway. We want compensation for the emotional damage we had to endure that evening. Norrington fled not long after the cake was delivered, not like I’d blame him.

Eventually, parents and guardians come around to come collect their kids, even Norrington shows back up to pick up one of them, the one with the ponytail apparently. At least Teague tips us generously, seems he knows the sort of chaos this kid and his posse can unleash.

It’s 11, closing time. During cleanup, we take survey of the property damage that had occurred in the wake of that birthday party; your usual stained carpet, but also now featuring turned over furniture, ruined play area, arcade games now so stuck, I’m pretty sure they’d have to call someone in to clean them, raided prize corner, damaged animatronics. It was as if a bomb had gone off in here. It was over, the siege of port Chuck-E-Cheese had leaned in favor of Captain Jack Sparrow and his band of miscreants.

I left, but never came back for my next shift. I spend Sunday and Monday job hunting, and luckily I was able to land a job with the East India Trading Company.

I’d thought I’d seen the last of Jack, and his vast pirate army. Life as an underling in EITC was as mundane yet stable as one could imagine an office job to be, money flow is steady with a 9 to 5, paid vacation time, they’ve even got dental. I’d moved out of my crappy apartment and moved somewhere I could enjoy the peace and quiet; I vowed to never have kids. Life was good.

Until one Monday, I saw Jack again, he was pestering my boss, Beckett, asking him question after question. One of his little friends is aggressively flossing in another room, Jack has now gotten ahold of one of the company computers. Somehow he unleashes a virus. All the of work I’d poured in the past few hours gone the drain and now I’m openly mocked by a video of badly played recorder music. The bass is boosting hard, my ears are bleeding.

I’m going to put in my request for a transfer tomorrow.

[9990zara]

vent because i had a terribly stressful day under the cut for your convinience

it all started as soon as i opened my eyes LMAO i missed my alarm and i had to leave even earlier than the ass crack of dawn because of some bullshit. said bullshit is that my parent's car broke down (mood) so my oldest brother lent us one of his, but we had to drive him to work (because of more bullshit im too lazy to explain rn). so we had to drive 30km to pick him up. then like 10 km more to drive him to work. surprisingly the last 10km were the problem, as the morning traffic jam was in full force. usually i intentionally leave a lot of leeway in the morning so i dont stress out but guess what!! fridays are the day i have my only 100%-attendance-or-you-fail, outside-of-campus-so-we-use-the-bus, touch-grass-for-REAL-knowledge 8:30 class!!!!!!! so i couldn't be even a minute late or the bus would leave without me!!!! and i, a complete FOOL, miscalculated and told myself i would just take the bus on the way back from my brother's work. well my dad just had to go through the worst street in the fucking city so that i regretted all my life choices ^^ i ended up making it just as the bus was leaving, but i took like 75 emotional damage lmaoo.

class went surprisingly fine all things considered, including the fact that i HATE this course but i need it to graduate. it involves a lot of tracking through the mud, using all things pesticide and chemical, and rabbits eating last week's work. but my uni friend is delightful and her presence is like a balm, so i powered through. normally when this class is over i go straight home, but today my dad asked my middle brother and i to go look at cars with him, so downtown i went. we had a tasty but too-big-for-me lunch so i was happy but sleepy and with a tummy ache. when my arm started acting up for no reason at all, forcing me to take meds to Feel Normal. great! chronic pain is such a delight you know!!

looking at cars wasnt too bad, but we had to wait for my dad's friend, so we did a bunch of things, among those drop off my middle brother at uni, pick up my mom and my oldest brother. all nice and cool until my dad's friend decided to not show up, and my mom and oldest brother were so thoroughly stressed out for some work matters they did not elaborate on that their presence turned the air acidic. we went to drop off my oldest brother, and then spent like 40 minutes there as i tried to convince my mom to go because my middle brother was waiting for us. also my nephew is sick and it's never nice to see him like that, he's a lot like me at his age (constantly sick and fussy).

after we managed to leave and go pick uo my brother to finally go home (day started at 6am, its 6:30pm at this point) we go in only to find it stinky and messy because my oldest brother's dog (who we have been looking after. and he still hasn't picked up for some reason???) got into the cat litter to eat cat poop. because she likes to eat poop for some reason!! so its cleaning time. and my middle brother tried to push his ONLY chore (feed the dogs) on me who was doing my own chores LMAO.

so now im lying down for the first time today. its currently 8:20. i have to go wash my clothes, clean my bedroom, pack a bag because i have a forced trip this weekend, eat dinner, convince my groupmates to work on our graded assignment so i can do mine, have dinner, study a little maybe, and sleep early because of the trip. yay!!!!1!!1!1!1!!

[affectiondeficitdisorder]

Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's Eve: The Bermuda Triangle for Addicts

by Ethlie Ann Vare

The hardest holiday for a love addict is Valentine’s Day: It’s like New Year’s Eve mashed up with St. Patrick’s Day would be to an alcoholic. But Christmas is pretty tough, too. There are so many expectations around the holidays, so much idealized nostalgesia, so many perfectly lit commercials of perfectly beautiful couples exchanging perfectly chosen gifts in front of perfectly flickering fireplaces. Single people get extra lonely. They pine.

Speaking of pine… fuck fireplaces. I live in LA. It was 75 degrees today, and we don’t need any more carbon particulates in our air.

Back to loneliness. People get extra lonely at this time of year because they have their noses rubbed daily in these fantasy images - images created by a copywriter, staged by a set decorator, and brought to life by a couple of shallow narcissists who spend their days mostly worried that they’ll never work again. (Like I said, I live in LA.) Or, in the case of the image above, by an AI art generator.

We are, as they say in the rooms of recovery, comparing our insides to other people’s outsides. And they’re not even real people. 

I get that it makes the singletons feel left out, though, and sometimes they come to me for relationship advice, because after all, I write about relationships. “They” being mostly women, and mostly women over 40. (Again, I live in LA. Over 40 = invisible.) However I am probably the worst person to come to, because I don’t buy the basic premise that you need to be in a relationship to be happy. That a relationship will somehow fix you. A relationship will not fix you, because you aren’t broken. It’s the premise that’s broken.

Don’t think I’m against love and romance. I love love and romance. Often to excess. But I have no illusions that is it magic elixir, and a lot of greedy people are selling magic elixirs to a lot of lonely people. In my experience, romantic love is closer to elixir of heroin (a popular cough syrup in the 19th Century, by the way): the initial high is great, the withdrawal at the end is bloody awful, and a long stretch in the middle is a maintenance phase that falls somewhere between pleasantly numb and barely tolerable. If your experience has been more positive than that, I salute you. I also think you are the exception and not the rule. You’ve seen the divorce statistics same as I have. All the social science data shows that for everything from blood pressure to depression, marriage is good for men and bad for women. And still women seem to be the ones most hotly pursuing it.

Romance is a multi-billion-dollar industry: $4.95 billion was spent in 2022 on dating apps, plus about another $3 billion in books, seminars, meet-ups, matchmakers, life coaches…. Did you know I could make $5/minute giving advice to the lovelorn online? I’d just as soon be a telephone psychic. Both have about as much validity.

What I can give you is advice on things to do that give you some of the same happy hormones you expect from a relationship. There are plenty of other places to find them, and none has a sign with the words “adult” or “shoppe” out front. 

The addict brain craves dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin. Either we don’t manufacture enough on our own, or we’re just greedy. I pick the former, although I’ve been accused of the latter. “Well, you just want to do everything fun, don’t you?” glowered a Midwestern woman watching me attempt the trapeze at age 52. The answer is yes, yes I do. But fun doesn’t always mean self-destructive… and I barely even injured myself on the trapeze.

You want dopamine? Learn something new. Novelty is a great activator of dopamine. To really bump it up, try something new that is challenging and maybe has a touch of danger attached. Scuba diving saved my ass; you can’t drink, drug, or check your phone while you’re underwater, and it’s beautiful down there. 

Diving also gives me a ton of serotonin, what with the weightlessness and the natural beauty and all. But you could also immerse yourself in an IMAX nature film, or get a massage, or listen to beautiful music. There’s some pretty good chorales showing off at this time of year. Great art, majestic landscapes… anything that produces awe produces serotonin.

For oxytocin I always go to dogs. Love ‘em. You want to put Instagram to good use?Try funny pet videos; it’ll make your day. My sister is all about the children - she’s honorary Bubbie to half the kids in the neighborhood. One of the most reliable ways to produce oxytocin is to be of service to others, and this time of year makes it particularly easy to do that. I don’t know about you, but I always find it easier to be of service when someone just tells what to do. “Here’s a list of Christmas wishes from needy families. Which one do you want to buy?” “We’re serving turkey dinners at the Mission downtown. Meet you at 6:30.” 

I could add that volunteering is a great way to meet new people (like potential romantic partners, hint hint) but like I said, I’m the relationship lady who is not selling the secret to finding a relationship. We both know I would be earning a lot more money if I was.

[timehascomeagain]

Im going to kill myself

[amatopunkish]

so there are like 4 big trans/queer conversations that my mum and i have had ever. and i was reading through some posts talking about transmasculinism + transandrophobia, and i couldn't help but think about the conversation we had when i told her i was thinking about maybe changing my name one day.

i don't totally remember all the specifics, but we were talking about something and name changes came up. so i said i had been thinking about maybe changing my name tk franklin at some point in the future. very maybe, very vague, just a possibility. and she goes onto ask why franklin (in an "oh. why'd you choose that /neg" way). at this point i had already been going by franklin/frankie to my friends for 3 months. i explained that i choose franklin bc frankie is short for franklin, and when she had mentioned originally wanting to name her oldest (which is me) frankie blue before she had kids, the name had just clicked. she continued to be judgemental and "i like just frankie better"

and THEN she was doing thing she does where she questions me about why i think im transness and why do i need to be trans and "explain your gender". and like i never know how or want to answer any of that bc it's on the spot + im anxious as hell bc it's a piece of my identity we're talking about. then she started pulling the "you're just traumatized" card and saying shit like i only want to be trans bc i want to feel strong so i can't get hurt again + bc i think men are strong. and i was like "hmmm no. it's really not that" but she kept pushing that same like genderessentialist radfem bullshit? like she said something about me TURNING MY BACK ON HER AND WOMEN. she's denied it but i remember what i remember!!! and that was really like WTF, that's where things really went wrong.

i got up and walked out on her at one point and came back to hover in the doorway to tell her that i didn't need her to question me, i needed her to be unconditionally accepting and supportive of me. and she just was not hearing that.

honestly it felt like talking to my dad (+ the worst 40-minute car conversation of my life w/ him). she wouldn't hear what i had to say and spent the conversation acting like i was too young to have these sorts of opinions about my body + my gender identity and what i want to do w/ them. and she was painting herself as the victim bc i wanted to be a man and """men are bad""".

major loss of respect for her!

plus i even tried to yk "sanitize" my identity and make it mire palatable for HER by saying that i didn't totally want to be a man, that my gender was more neutral/man-adjacent than that. so it woukd seem less like i was """abandoning""" her to join """the enemy""".

and that wasn't even the worst conversation we had about my gender! in the 4th/final convo i brought up in all the wrong words how she invalidated me + basically acted like my dad and that basically ruined + shut down the rest of the conversation. and it was "my fault" for bringing it up! like she didn't refuse to listen to me in the convo before that!

and we still haven't talked about it since bc i don't fucking want to. since then my mum has been oscillating b/n "look at what a good ally i am for sometimes very occasionally referring to you w/ they/them pronouns!" (which aren't my preferred pronouns) & "you are my daughter and if we don't talk about transness we'll be fine" it's all so "see i do love you unconditionally" when i've already the fine print, i've already experienced the conditions of her love.

fucking bullshit.

+ obligatory flashback to the time she told me she "draws the line at he/him pronouns". like "you can have any gender you want! just DON'T BE A MAN!" + she freaked out at my sibling for using he/him to refer to me when talking to her.

i understand that she has had a LOT of bad experiences w/ men, but sorry men aren't the problem! the patriarchal society we live in is! get a grip!

that whole experience was "okay so im NEVER going to fully trust you again!" like "i've learned: i can't trust you to be supportive of me!"

[goldenraeofsun]

4:01 PM

Dean sips his whiskey and glowers across the bar at his own reflection. His wrist is burning like a brand, but it’s probably all in his head. The stupid timers don’t cause physical pain when they reach T-minus zero, Houston we have a problem. The numbers freeze, and that’s that.

Dean’s had counted down to nothing at exactly 4:01 PM, fifteen minutes ago. Fifteen minutes of running into his soulmate, getting his number, continuing on his way to this bar, and telling the bartender to keep ‘em coming.

He refuses to look at the far corner of the room, the booth he had reserved like an idiot. Four PM, party of two, under the name Winchester.

On the bar by his glass, his phone is still lit up with Cas’s texts from the past hour.

Cas 3:11 I’m so sorry I have to move our appointment. My client just unexpectedly switched our time to 4pm.

Cas 3:21 I think I’ll be able to escape by 4:30. Can I meet you then?

Dean had responded with a thumbs-up emoji. He didn’t have it in him to say any more.

Cas 3:50 This city is impossible to navigate. How does anyone live here?

Cas 3:58 You were right, I should have rented a car.

Three minutes after Cas’s last text, Dean ran into his soulmate. Right on schedule.

As far as first meetings go, it hadn’t been as much of a shitshow as Dean had expected.

The dude was attractive, at least, and the first thing he did after bumping into Dean was apologize. But he was wearing a tailored suit and glued to his phone, so it definitely could have been better.

His soulmate would’ve run off none the wiser, except Dean had to blurt, “Wait!” because, despite his disappointment, Dean couldn’t let his soulmate disappear into the throngs of Michigan Avenue. Dean wasn't about to fall to one knee, but he also couldn't let his best shot just go.

The man stopped, irritated. His gaze refused to linger on Dean, instead fixating on a building at the end of the block.

Head swimming with too many thoughts to name, Dean couldn’t get the right words out. He gestured mutely to his wrist, pulling up the flannel to show him.

Eyes widening with understanding, his soulmate quickly tugged up the cuff of his sleeve, only sparing a second to verify his own timer stopped. “I’m sorry, I didn’t even notice.” he said, distracted. “My name is James. Here,” he fished out a pen and something to write on from various pockets of his trench coat, “my number. We… should talk. Later.” He scowled, raising his other wrist to check at his watch. “I need to go.”

“Sure, man,” Dean said, mostly grateful he didn’t have to stick around and have some heart-to-heart with a stranger that was apparently meant for him. Whatever the fuck that actually meant.

“Thank you,” James said swiftly. Without another word, he took off back down the street.

Dean didn’t bother to watch him go. He had a barstool waiting with his name on it.

Sam will laugh himself silly once Dean tells him his perfect match wound up being some corporate suit. Dean once told him he’d rather microwave his own head than set foot in an office cubicle.

Sammy was the big soulmate skeptic in the family. He found his non-timer approved other half while he was protesting an illegal dismissal of a disabled employee. Three years later, when Sam bumped into Gabriel Crawford in a strip club at midnight on Dean’s birthday, he discovered Gabe was perfectly happy to let Sam live his apple pie life while Gabe continued to party like it was 1999.

Gabe made Sam promise to look him up if Eileen was ever down for a threesome.

Turned out, Eileen was.

Sam most certainly was not.

He still sends Gabe a card for the holidays, and usually Gabe sends him back candy samples from wherever he’s vacationing for the winter.

But everyone else Dean knew bought into the soulmates game, hook, line, and sinker. His parents were soulmates. Benny and Garth both settled down with theirs. Charlie and Aaron were holding out for theirs. Hell, even Jo had her weird thing with Bela Talbot.

Dean would’ve counted himself among their number - until he met Cas.

Well, until Cas messaged him on Bobby’s new ask-a-mechanic feature on the garage’s website. Cas had inherited a banged up 1967 Mustang and had no idea where to start with restoration. Apparently Gabe of all people was staying with Cas at his place in southern California, and he recommended Dean.

Why Cas couldn’t just look up a local place still baffles Dean to this day, but he has never been more grateful for Cas’s weird-ass logic.

Their relationship had stayed strictly professional until Cas’s actual car broke down on some random highway in California. Dean had tried to talk Cas through the repair himself, but it was no use. Cas either didn’t have the equipment for the fix, or Dean didn’t diagnose the right problem. Dean was about to hang up, when Cas had asked, clearly embarrassed, “Would you please stay on the line? I have this irrational fear of being murdered in the middle of nowhere where nobody can find my body for proper rites.”

Dean, almost surprising himself, didn’t laugh. Instead, he said, “Sure thing. Wanna put me on hold while you get in touch with Triple A?”

He spent an hour and a half on the phone with Cas, telling him stupid stories about the worst things people have done with their cars.

In return, Cas told him all about the stars that were just coming out in the darkening desert sky.

The week after, Bobby’s garage received a gift certificate in the mail. It was for a weeklong stay at the Chicago location of the five-star hotel chain Cas works for, in Dean’s name.

Those little chocolates on the pillows ruined Dean for motels everywhere.

At the bar, Dean signals the bartender for a refill. He glares down at his phone. The little rectangle contains his entire history with Cas, call logs, text receipts, everything.

He can’t look at it any longer. He shoves it in his pocket, and the receipt with his soulmate’s phone number crinkles in protest. With a sigh, Dean takes out the flimsy piece of paper.

James’s handwriting is neat, so Dean doesn’t even have the excuse of not being able to read a digit or two.

Maybe Dean will give him a call after his drink with Cas. Hopefully, once James finds out that Dean’s just a mechanic, lives in a shoebox apartment in Bucktown, and has never been to Aspen or the Alps, he’ll tell Dean to take a hike.

Dean flips the receipt over, and his stomach gives a sickening lurch. In pretentious curlicue lettering, the first words Dean reads are, The Nine Spheres.

James is staying at Cas’s hotel.

Fucking great. Dean crumples the receipt and shoves it back in his pocket. With his luck, James will probably want to meet in the restaurant on the first floor, the fancy-ass place with the steakhouse burger and truffle fries Dean would actually sell his soul for.

Dean actually dreamed about that burger, a few months after his Cas-sponsored stay. When he told Cas about it, Cas let out a bark of laughter.

In the next breath, though, he told Dean he does the same when he’s scoping out a new location and can’t stay at a nearby Nine Spheres.

Dean tips back his glass of whiskey. It’s stopped burning on the way down his throat, a good sign.

He was so stupid, thinking he could fuck with destiny, fate, or whatever shitty power up there decides soulmates.

Once Cas told him about his business trip to his neck of the woods, Dean had taken one look at the numbers on his arm counting down and did the math. He would meet his soulmate smack dab in the middle of Cas’s window in Chicago.

He could make Cas be his soulmate. Cas never brought up his timer, if it was still ticking, if he’d already met his other half. And Dean, coward that he was, never asked. If he didn’t know for sure, then there was that slim, slim chance that theirs matched up after all.

But no, Cas had to go and switch up their meeting time at the last second, and Dean had run into James instead.

His pocket buzzes with a new text. Mood lower than Cas’s voice register, Dean slides his phone out.

Cas 4:38 My meeting is over. Should I still meet you at the same place?

Dean 4:39 Yeah Hope its okay I got started without you

Cas 4:40 More than okay, considering my scheduling difficulties.

Dean 4:40 See you soon

Dean sighs and drains his glass.

Foot jiggling on the barstool and eyes trained on his hands clasped in front of him, Dean deliberately does not look around as the door opens.

And opens again.

And again.

Confused and irritated, Dean takes another look around. Above the bar, a chalkboard clearly proclaims Happy Hour from 4:30-6:30 PM. Dean ducks his head, scowling into the remains of his drink. He probably overlooked the sign before because of his single-minded quest to get shitfaced like a freshly-dumped senior at prom stuck next to the spiked punch bowl.

His phone obnoxiously tells him it’s 4:43.

That’s just great. Dean hops off the stool, meaning to ask the hostess if anyone’s asked for Winchester, when James pushes open the door.

Dean stops dead in his tracks.

James freezes, his eyes going wide. His trench coat swishes ominously to a stop.

Should Dean turn around? Pretend he didn’t see? Cas is going to be here any second.

Before he can make up his mind, James is walking towards him. “Hello,” he says. “I wasn’t expecting to run into you here.”

Dean swallows. “Me neither,” he says honestly.

James scans the small crowd now gathered around the bar, brow furrowing in concentration. “I’m supposed to be meeting someone.”

Dean lets out a silent exhale of relief. He musters up a weak smile. “No problem, man. I’ll leave you to it.” As he turns back around, James steps up to the hostess stand.

James says, his voice slightly raised to be heard over the din, “I’m a bit late, but is there a reservation for Winchester? For 4:30?”

Dean could not possibly have heard what he thinks he did. But the timing is right - for once. He spins around, practically losing his balance thanks to the booze he already drank.

The hostess scans her sheet of names, shaking her head. “There was a reservation for Winchester at four PM, but that’s it.”

James’s face falls. Shoulders slumping, he pulls out his phone, squinting as the screen lights up. “He said he was here,” he mutters.

He can’t be Cas. That would be crazy - like, dingo ate my baby, crazy.

“Could be at the bar,” the hostess says flippantly, tilting her head to the crowded area. “Most of ‘em don’t check in.”

James’s lips press together. “Thank you,” he says to the hostess, his tone clipped. “I’ll wait there.”

Dean steps in front of him before James can get lost in the throng of people. “I heard you’re lookin’ for me,” he says with a confidence that’s only 99% bullshit.

James blinks. “You?”

“Dean Winchester, at your service,” he says, spreading his arms wide.

“Dean,” he echoes, his gaze raking up and down Dean’s body, drinking him in with his new eyes.

“Gotta say,” Dean drawls as his heart pounds with nerves. Doubt niggles at the back of his mind like an itch he can’t scratch, but he’s already made his memory foam bed. Might as well lie in it. “Cas is the weirdest nickname for James that I’ve ever heard.”

“My full name is James Castiel Novak,” Cas says, flushing. “James - that’s what I go by professionally. My family calls me Castiel.”

Dean can’t hold back his broad grin. “Family, eh?”

Cas’s expression takes a swift dive from embarrassed to mortified. “And friends,” he tacks on. He takes a step closer, staring at Dean’s face in wonder. “But you’re also my soulmate.”

Dean laughs giddily. “Should’ve known you wouldn’t beat around the bush. Not your style.” He jerks his head towards the bar. “I think I see an open seat. You wanna have that talk now?”

Cas hesitates. “Would you like to go to Nine Spheres instead? I’ve had business dinners every evening I’ve been in Chicago so far, and, while the food has been good-”

“It’s not the steakhouse burger?” Dean finishes for him.

The corners of Cas’s mouth turn down into a slight grimace. “Last night, a client treated us to tapas. I woke up starving.”

Dean smiles. “You know I’m always down for that burger.”

“Excellent,” Cas says with relish as he pushes open the door.

They walk onto the street, and it’s almost offensively quiet after the noise of the bar. It’s a balmy Spring evening, the sun still relatively high in the sky.

“You don’t seem disappointed anymore,” Cas says out of nowhere as they reach the end of the block.

So Cas caught on to that, back when they first ran into each other. Dean shrugs. “I just got stood up by the guy I’d specially set up to meet me at 4:01. Wouldn’t you be?”

Cas clears his throat, asking hoarsely, “You wanted it to be me?”

Dean throws him a look. “Why wouldn’t I?”

Cas just shrugs. The light changes, and they step off the curb.

“Were you… disappointed?” Dean asks hesitantly.

Cas lets out a surprised laugh. “Of course not. I didn’t even think - well,” he falters, casting a sidelong look at Dean, “I’m not disappointed. Believe me.”

The automatic doors to Nine Spheres open, hitting them with a burst of perfectly conditioned air. Dean hasn’t stepped foot in the hotel since Cas paid for his stay, but it hasn’t changed one bit. The same tiered giant chandelier glitters overhead. Giant pillars bracket the concierge desk to the left and the enormous staircase to the right that leads up to the second floor rooms. The tiled floor, so polished Dean can practically see his reflection, stretches the length of the lobby.

Dean sticks out like a flannel-wearing sore thumb. “Cas,” he hisses, “hold on. I don’t think I’m dressed right for this place.”

Cas sucks in a breath. “No,” he says as Dean’s heart sinks, “I suppose not.” He jerks his head towards the elevator bay. “Room service?”

Dean blinks.

“I’ve called for the burgers on several occasions at other locations,” Cas assures him. “It tastes as good.”

Was Cas actually trying to convince him to go up to his room? What a dumbass. Dean laughs.

Cas colors, his gaze dropping to the floor. “Forget it,” he mutters. “We don’t-”

“You know, if you invite me up to your room,” Dean cuts him off, “you’re going to have a bitch of a time getting me to leave, right?”

Cas stares at him.

“Dude,” Dean says, “I’ve never stayed anywhere this nice in my life. Between the food, the water pressure, and the robe that felt like I was fucking a cloud, I had enough of a hard time leaving last time.”

“I’m glad,” Cas says stiltedly. “We strive to provide the optimal experience to all our guests.”

Dean rolls his eyes. “’M saying, add you to the mix, and they’re gonna have to drag me out of here, kicking and screaming.”

“And if I don’t want you to leave?” Cas asks in an undertone as he pushes the up button for the elevator.

“Then I guess we don’t have a problem,” Dean says, winking.

Cas’s responding grin falls as the doors close behind them and the elevator starts moving. He shakes his head. “It’s a shame there are cameras in here.”

Dean leans in closer, whispering in his ear, “Doesn’t bother me much. Whaddya say to giving the peeping toms a show, then?”

Cas bites his lip, and this close, Dean can see how his eyes have blown black with want. “I - I can’t.”

It’s like he’s been doused with a bucket of ice water. Dean steps back, shame filling him. That’s fine. He can regroup. Hopefully Cas will be more receptive behind closed doors. It’s not the first time this has happened, anyway.

“Dean, I have to work with these people every day,” Cas hisses, wringing his hands. “The last time an executive got… busy with a coworker in the pool, the mocking didn’t end for weeks. Not to mention her rebuke from upper management.” He throws Dean a desperate look. “I would like for you to be fully clothed by the time you meet my coworkers for the first time.”

Cas is already planning for Dean to meet his people?

The elevator dings, and Cas steps out. “Are you coming?” he asks hesitantly.

“Oh, yeah,” Dean says quickly. As he follows Cas down the maze of rooms, he has to ask, “You were planning on introducing me to your coworkers?”

Cas’s cheeks pink. “Unless you were opposed to it,” he mutters as he stops in front of Room 1518. He sighs, making no move to insert his keycard. Instead, he lifts his head to meet Dean’s gaze squarely. “I’ve put in a transfer request to Chicago.”

“What?”

“It was before I knew you were my soulmate,” Cas says quickly. “I’ve never felt like I fit in in California, and my parents live in Pontiac. The Chicago office is decently large, and, well, I knew you were here,” he says, his voice going quiet near the end. He straightens. “So there were many reasons.”

“You’re staying?” Dean says, his mouth dry.

Cas bobs a nervous nod. “I hope that’s okay.”

Dean grins. “Sure is.”

Cas touches the inside of his wrist, his expression turning almost shy. “Of course, when I first pictured introductions, it was strictly as a friend. I don’t really know anyone else in this city well, and I’ve told you about my difficulty in social situations, so it would’ve been more for moral support than anything else. But after this evening -”

Dean interrupts his rambling. “Are there cameras in the hallway?”

“What- oh,” Cas says, his eyes flicking down to Dean’s lips before back up again. “Yes?” He points. “They’re all the way down there, though, so they can’t -”

Dean cuts him off with a heated kiss.

[gumdecay]

.