#the ultimate golf indeed

[regallibellbright]

Yeah, either tonight or tomorrow watch this space for...

[ID: A dramatic, watercolor-style freezeframe showing Eve, her back to the viewer in the foreground, and Rose, posing dramatically with her arms spread wide on a backdrop of red roses. Eve’s field is full of thorny vines. Rose proclaims, “The ultimate golf, where both of our lives are on the line!” End ID]

[batboyblog]

Do you think there is any benefit to the idea that Biden should just not bother with these TV debates anymore? With how the media is so strongly stacked against him, that it might be more beneficial to focus on things where he excels at like town halls and meeting people in person?

I think he agreed to do it, so backing out would look worse and be more damaging than any benefits from sticking to events that play to his strengths. Indeed the media attacked him pretty heavily for being over choreographed in events and interviews (sounds like Hillary being "over prepared") I do think Biden should, and if you look at the last few weeks he has, do more events with the people, and if he can wrangle a televised town hall that'd be great.

but on debate, we shouldn't think Biden is some historically bad debater. In 2012 Obama BOMBED his first debate with Romney, people were writing the death notices for his re-election (much closer to E-Day then July!) and it was Biden who swung into action at the Vice-Presidential debate, laughing in Paul Ryan's face and mocking him easily showing Ryan up as unlikeable and trying to destroy social security. Biden is good at being the every man reacting to "Malarkey!"

I think what went wrong in the first debate is two fold. First of all when you're President and you care to do the job, there's never ever gonna be enough time, there will always be one more call, one more meeting, one more thing that needs your attention. Biden mentioned aids adding things to the schedule. If you're a President like Biden who is good at the job and likes it, I can see how it becomes hard to say "no" because we're talking huge things. So Biden had been working too much, too hard, for too long. That week he went to Europe, did the G7 meetings lots of meetings lots of work, flew back to the US to California to do a fundraiser with Obama and George Clooney, flew back to Atlanta to do the debate. Along the way the guy gets a cold, so what we all saw was a guy who was tired from months of working too hard, jet-lagged, and sick. Trump did nothing that week, he golfed and hung out with friends showed up rested and not having a head cold.

The other thing is the prepped for the wrong debate. One team Biden pushed for rules that ultimately helped Trump. The rule of mics being off when the other is speaking, people hate when Trump interrupts, he's at his worse when he does that, you made sure he couldn't do that. Second no crowd, all politicians feed off crowds, read their energy. crowds cause Trump to lean into his worst instincts always reaching for the next big reaction, but also Biden feeds off people's reactions, in a way that is much better for him than it is for Trump.

outside the rules, clearly Biden and his team gamed out the debate assuming the moderators would do the heavy lifting of fact checking Trump and calling him on his lies and Biden's job was to look like the smart normal politician and spit out facts and figures. As a life long stutterer being able to recall and recite exact numbers and data points in just the way they were written down is not and never been a strength of Biden's, he's NOT dumb, but I can say you carry the baggage of people thinking you're an idiot from when you were a disabled kid your whole life, and I've read a lot of stories that some times in a room full of Harvard and Yale people he can get rattled. And I think that happened they pushed him to try to memorize their talking points their data sets and he got in his head. And when the debate turned out to not at all be what he planned for, when the moderators showed no interest in pushing back on Trump, Biden was caught off guard, a not sick, not jet-lagged, not tired Biden would have turned it around more quickly. We saw later in the debate Biden figure out what debate he was in and how to act and start to ditch trying to remember data sets and just throw out quips and lines "morals of an ally cat!", had he been feeling better, he'd have gotten there much faster.

So I think if Biden takes better care of himself, is strict about not adding more to his work load, takes time off to relax and rest before a debate (work on his tan like JFK did before the Nixon Kennedy debate) and also focuses on being himself, he's not Obama or Bill Clinton who are great masters of explaining complex issues with facts and figures that makes you feel like you're in school with a favorite teacher. That's not Joe, he knows the stuff, he does, but his skill his being everyone's favorite uncle telling it like it is, let him do that and he'll be fine.

[lolliputian]

I think you are the most qualified person to ask this question since you write the tieflings so well: what Olympic sport would the tiefs complete in?

High praise indeed, Anon! Thank you so much!

Going through the list of events, I'm going to go through the adult Tieflings we see in the Grove. I'm also sticking to the summer events.

Zevlor is, of course, Equestrian, and more specifically eventing (which, I discovered, is basically a triathlon). Tilses would also take place in Equestrian, but she'd be focused on jumping. If the Hellriders aren't taking place in the equestrian events, it's a crime. Nuff said.

Rolan would be a swimmer. I think he'd would find swimming for exercise cathartic--the water resistance, the controlled breathing, engaging all your muscle groups to move through the water.

Lia would be a rower for a similar reason, engaging all the upper body muscles. I think she would do really well with a team, as well, and find a lot of fulfillment in it. Cal, in perhaps a surprising choice, would take part in gymnastics. His high strength score lends itself to strength based events. Imagine Cal taking on the pommel horse or the rings, holy shit.

Dammon, surprising absolutely no one, would take part in the hammer throw. But, before I remembered that existed, I also figured he would do well with shot put. Short bursts of power suit him.

Along a similar vein, Alfira would really excel at rhythm gymnastics as a form of artistic expression. Lakrissa, on the other hand, is a natural for archery, and in a modern AU would absolutely be that person doing trick shots on TikTok.

In canon, we know Bex is a great runner and that she was able to outrun the cultists. Thus, I can see her taking part in the sprinting events. Danis, meanwhile, I think would get the most enjoyment out of golf out of any of the events available. Outside of competition, I think he'd like the social aspect of it.

Komira is absolutely a Taekwondo girl--she was ready to throw down with the druids and strikes me as the type who wouldn't hesitate to fight for what she believes in. Locke's temperament, in contrast, reminds me more of a distance runner. He's much calmer than his wife.

So I debated between Asharak and Guex whom I thought would be a better fit for fencing--we see Asharak training the kids in fighting, and Guex using Main Hand Attack against Makeshift Training Dummy. Ultimately, I felt Asharak's temperament was a lot better for it and, frankly, that he would do well enough to compete on an Olympic level. Guex's event? Javelin Throw. We see him use potentially any weapon you sell Dammon against the Training Dummy if you defeat the druids (off the top of my head, I can't think of anyone who uses a javelin canonically otherwise minus maybe Cal). But I also think he'd like the challenge and feeling powerful without having to get into close quarters.

If we've talked Tiefling headcanon, you'll know I carry a headcanon that Okta is/was a monk and actively adventured until her pregnancy. Thus, she's a natural fit for Judo. Ikaron, too, does a physical event that requires a lot of control and precision: Boxing. Like Rolan with swimming, I think he'd find it cathartic.

Cerys would take part in the modern pentathlon. We don't know much about her backstory from the game besides her being a scout and the third leader option if both Zevlor and Asharak are killed in Act 1. Thus, IMO, she has to be extremely impressive in her own right. The pentathlon presently includes fencing, swimming, equestrian jumping, laser pistol shooting, and distance running.

Zorru and Yul are other canonical scouts. We know Zorru was able to make it Baldur's Gate presumably by himself, which means not only is he a good runner, but he has to be skilled at dodging obstacles, too. He's a natural choice for hurdles. Yul, we don't know enough about, but for the endurance required for scouting, let's slot him into cycling.

Kaldani and Rikka get to be our beach volleyball pair! I really wanted a duo that's seen a lot together in game, and they seem to get along well. I can see them working amazingly well at a team and being unafraid to work hard to win.

Damays and Nymessa were a little hard for me--I very much wanted Nymessa to be in breakdancing just to make Damays's head explode (at least the way I characterize them). But, in the end, I thought pole vault would be a good fit for her. Damays seems a fit for discus throwing.

Kanon strikes me as someone who would be really good at diving. We know he was a tailor in Elturel, and I think he'd appreciate the precision and artistry. Arka and Memnos? They get to be our tennis duos team. I think they'd balance each other well in the sport.

Pandirna absolutely has to be in weightlifting, all things considered. Let's hope she doesn't get in trouble for doping with Ethel's potions... Toron I think would be wrestling because wrestling cattle or something. Nadira would be sport climbing, because that seems to fit in well with her sneaking around devils and the like. (I can't remember at the moment how much of that is canon and how much of it was headcanon we came up with on the camp server.)

Eramis and Elegis I slotted into long jump and high jump respectively. At the time of writing this, this is based off vibes from each of them rather than anything in game that lent itself to this. Finally, Xeph, Rechel, and Amek get to be our synchronized swimmers, because we gotta have synchronized swimmers, and also I don't know where else to put them.

Hope you enjoyed the post!

[justinspoliticalcorner]

Dean Obeidallah at The Dean's Report:

Donald Trump’s idea of being patriotic is not about supporting the United States. It’s about supporting those who help him. That’s why Trump has long praised and defended the Jan 6 terrorists who were helping him attempt to remain in power despite losing the 2020 election. Now Trump is taking this support to a new level by welcoming to his exclusive country club in New Jersey an awards show called the “J6 Awards Gala” created to honor those who attacked the Capitol—including those who brutally beat police officers. This is akin to Osama Bin Laden holding an awards event four years after 9/11 to honor those who waged that terrorist attack. And it’s just as vile and anti-American.

The website for this Sept. 5 event--organized by the Stand in the Gap Foundation--boasts that Trump has been invited to speak—although reports are he’s not expected to attend. But the event website notes other visible Trump allies will be speaking including Rudy Guiliani and former advisor Peter Navarro—who was released in July from prison after serving three months for refusing to comply with the House Jan 6 committee’s investigation. It's no surprise that this event is being held at one of Trump’s marquee properties given his track record. The GOP’s 2024 presidential nominee has hailed the attackers as  “patriots” and vowed to pardon those convicted of crimes— including those “who assaulted officers.” And last year—to little media attention--he spoke at a fundraiser at this very Trump golf course in support of the Jan 6 insurrectionists. Trump has even  kicked off campaign rallies with an announcer asking the crowd to “please rise for the horribly and unfairly treated January 6 hostages” followed by a recording of the national anthem performed by people incarcerated in connection with the attack. Indeed, it’s these Jan 6 prisoners who sang that song--which Trump lent his voice to--who will be honored at the upcoming event at Trump’s golf course.

[...] In addition, the organizer of this J6 awards ceremony is Sarah McAbee, the wife of Ronald Colton McAbee, a former sheriff’s deputy who was sentenced to nearly six years in prison for assaulting police officers on Jan. 6. As DOJ detailed, McAbee despicably held down another police officer who had been “knocked to the ground, kicked, and stripped of his baton by other rioters” enabling the crowd to viciously beat him. As a result, “the officer sustained physical injuries, including a head laceration, concussion, elbow injury, bruising, and bodily abrasions.” These are just some of the Jan 6 attackers expected to be honored at Trump National Golf Club  in New Jersey. Interestingly, the country club’s website explains that for large events like weddings or galas, organizers need to contact the club management to utilize a “membership sponsored program.”  Did Trump sponsor this event? Did he waive this requirement? It’s unclear but one thing is certain: Trump has not denounced the event, called for it be canceled or demanded his photo be removed for the website promoting the “J6 Awards Gala.” At this point, even if Trump were pressured and ultimately denounced the J6 awards gala, it would ring hollow given his record of praising and defending the attackers.  These are Trump’s people and Jan 6 was his attack. As the House Jan 6 committee’s final report summed up well, “the central cause of January 6th was one man, former President Donald Trump, whom many others followed,” adding, “None of the events of January 6th would have happened without him.”  

At the Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster, NJ, Donald Trump is set to welcome the domestic terrorist-honoring J6 Awards Gala on September 5th.

Trump himself is invited to speak but currently isn’t confirmed; however, Peter Navarro, Bo Loudon, Colby Covington, and Rudy Giuliani are just a few of the confirmed speakers.

[dustedmagazine]

Neutrals — New Town Dream (Slumberland/Static Shock)

Photo by Kelly Sullivan

Neutrals are a San Francisco-based band but you wouldn’t know it by listening. The singer, Allan McNaughton, has a knotty Scottish burr, even now, years on from relocating to the Bay Area. Musically, he and his bandmates — Lauren Matsui on bass and Phillip Lantz on drums — favors a kicky, catchy, bash-and-pop variety of post-punk that has more than a whiff of the Television Personalities in it.

New Town Dream is a bit of a concept album, referring in multiple places to the Pollok Free State protests of the early 1990s, where residents banded together to stop the construction of a highway through their beloved park in the suburbs of Glasgow. For two years, people lived in makeshift shelters in the park, cooking communally, making music and developing strong bonds with one another.  Some even took up residence in the trees themselves. The protests were ultimately unsuccessful, and the highway was built.  “Stop the Bypass,” one of the disc’s most raucous tunes, includes a chant from the protests; “The Iron that Never Swung” seems related, too, mourning a golf course promised but never delivered. Sings McNaughton, “All the effort was in vain/we lost our land to eminent domain/where there should be a fairway, the council put a new motorway.”

Indeed, if there’s a running thread through New Town Dream, it’s the gap between idealism and what actually happens once money and politics and other real-world factors come into play. “New Town Dream (Version)” is an altered version of a song from the Bus Stop Nights EP in 2022. Dusted’s Jonathan singled it out, writing, “Musically the guitar tone takes on a razoring, quixotic quality, most urgently on “New Town Dream” and its 107 seconds of keening post punk. A little more dissonant and it could be a Swell Maps tune, tucked in among that run of short songs that opens A Trip to Marineville.”  Here it runs closer to Gang of Four with its melodica and dub bass, but it slips in some extended retro-futurist spoken word about planned communities. An educational voice making the case for planned communities outside of city centers, including shops, banks, homes and, critically, green space, as an antidote to what, “people rightly deplore in this country [which] could be called a yob culture.”  The kicker is, of course, that the minute city planners need that land for something else, poof, it’s gone.

Not all the songs stick to this broad topic, and indeed, a couple of the best are less didactic. “That’s Him on the Daft Stuff Again” is pure C-86-ish bliss, full of joy and melancholy in equal measure. McNaughton sings in a half-chant, a twist of melody under a rain of mordant words and very like the Television Personalities’ Dan Treacy. The resembles continues through the instruments, all a bounding bass and chiming, rainbow-splintering guitar chords and bumptious, disruptive drumming.

“Substitute Teacher,” slashes a little more sharply, its jutting, off-kilter guitar work sharing near equal billing with the growl of bass. The “s-s-substitute” stutter nods to the Who, the lyrics are closer to the Kinks’ lyrical wordplay. The kids may have written him off before he finishes writing his name on the board, but a distinct, individual person comes to life in a few lines: “He’s got a passion for mathematics/after work he’s into amateur dramatics/you may have seen him in a Death of a Salesman, you may have seen him in Pirates of Penzance/he was a triumph in the Scottish play/he’s only here for a day.”

All of which put Neutrals in the very top tier of jangling, hyper-articulate pop-punk bands, alongside Ducks Ltd., Reds, Pinks and Purples and the Infinites. There’s really nothing neutral about them.

Jennifer Kelly

[scottsdalebachelorpartyvip]

Top Highlights of a Scottsdale Bachelor Party Adventure

Ever thought why Scottsdale is the best bachelor party destination? Just think about full sun-drenched days, electrifying nights, and memories that will be discussed for a lifetime. What does this city do differently than all the others? Let's take a deeper plunge into the top attractions that will make this city an ultimate celebration spot for the last days of freedom.

Daytime Thrills

Scottsdale goes beyond just a nightlife party. It also offers numerous daytime activities to get the party started.

Kick off your day with an adrenaline rush- maybe have a desert jaunt on ATVs or dune buggies, or even try clay pigeon shooting or archery. You can also challenge your friends to a golf match on world-class courses.

Cool off some with a few pool parties after getting your morning thrills. Sip ice-cold beer, dance to good music, and get some of that Arizona sun-soaked fun just right to get you all refreshed for the night ahead.

Dining in Style

No bachelor party could be complete without some mediocre grub. The dining scene here is not to be missed. Anyone can indulge in a great steak at one of the city's top steakhouses, try the creative Southwestern fare at a local gem, and eat fresh seafood flown into town daily, all while sitting in the desert.

Make sure to call ahead for reservations. The top restaurants fill up very quickly, especially on weekends.

Nightlife Extravaganza

Indeed, when the sun goes down, the city feels alive. Its nightlife is legendary and has something for every taste.

Kick off your party bus transportation in Scottsdale style. These mobile parties have everything you need to get the party started. Music, lights, and drinks flow free as you cruise between venues.

Then, go clubbing. The nightclubs are pretty energetic with great music. Feel it on the dance floor, break your feet, and spend the rest of the night under VIP bottle service in Scottsdale, just like a star. Dedicated servers and prime seating make sure you will be envied by this club.

But for those who want to be entertained more, private and professional stripper entertainment Scottsdale has for each client. Indeed, there are many options here whether it is a private show or a night at the gentleman's club.

Outdoor Adventures

If you need a break from the party scene, explore the city's natural beauty. Hike Camelback Mountain for stunning city views, take a hot-air balloon ride over the desert landscape, or go kayaking or paddle boarding on the Salt River.

These activities offer a chance to bond with your friends while taking in the breathtaking scenery of the Sonoran Desert.

Relaxation and Recovery

After days of partying, you might need some downtime. The world-class spas offer the perfect solution. Treat yourself to a relaxing massage to soothe sore muscles, a refreshing facial to rejuvenate your skin, or a mineral pool to detoxify and unwind. These spa treatments will make you feel refreshed and ready for your next adventure.

Final Words

A bachelor party offers an unbeatable mix of excitement, luxury, and natural beauty. This desert gem has everything from heart-pumping daytime activities to unforgettable nights out. Scottsdale delivers whether you seek high-energy clubs, outdoor thrills, or relaxing spa days. Would you be ready to plan the ultimate bachelor party? Check out Scottsdale bachelor parties for expert help creating a celebration that perfectly balances fun, adventure, and style.

[saraasylum]

Opened in 1947, this location began as a quaint ski resort with an intimidating black diamond slope. In the 60s it grew to include an airstrip, condos, a golf course designed by Arnold Palmer, tennis courts, and added 5 more ski lifts and more hotel rooms. By the mid-late 70s, this was the most popular ski resort in the Midwest with 3,000-4,000 visitors a day, and the only resort to offer night skiing. Guests could choose from multiple dining experiences on site, from fine dining to a quick bite at the deli. After dinner you could kick back with cocktails and fondue at the resort’s “saloon” or dance the night away in the nightclub. Other amenities included 3 pools, a whirlpool spa, saunas, a weight room, gift shop, hiking trails, laundry facilities, a daycare, and a golfer’s club.

The resort changed ownership a few times before ultimately closing in 2000 due to mild winters causing revenue to nose dive. Deciding what to do after it closed was a big mess because of the fact that no one knew who owned the resort! Several people came forward claiming that they were indeed the owner, but it wasn’t until 2016 when the property was legally purchased by a lawyer from Los Angeles. He plans on leveling the existing lodge and opening a 4 star resort complete with its own vineyard by 2022.

[sobhaaltusgurgaon]

SOBHA ALTUS: AN INTRODUCTION TO LEISURE

INTRODUCTION

Awestruck with the exclusive beauty of Gurgaon?? Want to own your personalised heaven in the form of a lavish home??

If this is indeed your ultimate purpose, Gurgaon is an ideal place. Here, you will come across the true meaning of royalty and internationally styled-living. 

This city, not just grants an opportunity to be a part of a lavish realty sector but also emerged as a very lucrative choice for tourists from several potential investors. 

Moving ahead, if you want to be a part of this city, you should definitely know the perks of residing here. I will give you some interesting insights about Dwarka Expressway, a very prosperous destination in Gurgaon. 

This article will serve the purpose of informing you about some very great advantages of investing in Dwarka Expressway!!

REASONS TO INVEST IN DWARKA EXPRESSWAY

In order to be well aware of the incredible evolution, you should first become aware of the facts that are closely associated with Dwarka Expressway.  

1. The residential market built adjacent to the most contemporary expressway in India, i.e., Dwarka Expressway has emerged as the top preference for millennials. Numerous well-renowned real estate developers have come up with excellent launches. 

Here is a list of some well-renowned names of real estate developers who have launched their creations in different sectors of Dwarka Expressway. 

Mahindra Lifespaces

M3M

Adani Realty

Experion

Sobha Limited

Puri Constructions

Joyville 

TATA Housing 

2. Living in Dwarka Expressway curates a pathway for all the residents with respect to exclusive views of green landscapes in abundance, Aravalli Hills, and sky-scrapping buildings. It also offers a great opportunity for all the residents in terms of acquiring a healthy regime, leading towards a healthy life.

3. With regard to the infrastructural evolution, Dwarka Expressway has shown immense progress. This part of Gurgaon offers all the residents a fret-free lifestyle as all basic facilities are available right outside their houses. 

Schools, colleges, hospitals, employment hubs, retail stores, departmental stores, shopping malls, district parks, and many others are available in close vicinity to your households. 

4. Every resident of Dwarka Expressway will truly enjoy amazing connectivity with numerous amazing areas such as:

Golf Course Extension Road 

Golf Course Road

Southern Peripheral Road

Manesar

Pataudi Road

Kherki Dhaula

Vasant Kunj

Vasant Vihar

Indira Gandhi International Airport

Aerocity

Munirka

Mehrauli 

If you aspire to own a lavish household, you can consider investing in Sobha Limited which is launching a garden-fresh residential project. 

Sobha Altus is the name of this rich housing development, all ready to create a benchmark in the residential market of Gurgaon. This is a luxurious residential project that will encompass a land of 5.51 acres, constituting sky-high buildings. 

Sobha Altus is coming at a highly evolved region, i.e. sector-106, Dwarka Expressway, Gurgaon. All the above-mentioned benefits in Dwarka Expressway will be enjoyed by each resident of Sobha Altus. 

Here, residents will get an opportunity to choose between 3 and 4 BHK apartments that will be developed with new-fangled technology, providing residents with content and gratification. 

CONCLUSION

If you desire to own a high-end property, you should give this project a detailed reading. It will guide you in an appropriate manner, helping you to yield great benefits on your investment. 

You should definitely choose Dwarka to be your permanent address as this is one of the most incredible regions, offering great perks to you and your loved ones. 

[topreviewin]

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[sublimeobservationarcade]

The Most Important Shot In Golf

What is the most important shot in golf? Some would state your next one. I would say your last one on every hole. Most times that is going to be a putt. You see, when we are on that green in range of the hole, there is no more room for laying up or playing a recovery shot. There is but it cots us a stroke on the score card. The fascinating thing about the game of golf is that the closer you get to the hole the simpler the stroke required in many instances, but, also, the more it matters to get it right.

Photo by Styves Exantus on Pexels.com

Golf’s Most Vital Stroke

We start off hitting the big drive with the club with the longest shaft making it more of a production than most other shots. Incrementally, as we approach the target the clubs get shorter and the shots simpler if we hit fairways and greens. Until we reach the most important shot in golf – the putt. Most putters are the shortest shafted clubs in the bag, with the exception of those almost outlawed long putters. Therefore, we should be able to agree that putting is the simplest and easiest stroke in golf. Many golfers would find that to be the case, but there are also many of us who struggle with the short stick.

Putting Is Ultimately Golf’s Big Ticket Shot

Known also as the flat stick, the putter, has the mind numbingly simple job of rolling the ball over a smooth surface to the hole. However, it is due to that simplicity of stroke that many golfers struggle with the whole concept of putting the golf ball into the hole. This, in concert with the fact that a miss on the green costs you a whole stroke despite the relative nearness to the target. We have traversed a vast distance on a par 5 or long par 4 to arrive at the green. The expectation is to economically finish the hole by making the putt and anything less feels like a big fail.

Photo by Kampus Production on Pexels.com Putting messes with my head when I am missing makeable putts during a competitive round. It ruins all the good work put into getting onto the green in the first place. If you are hitting greens in regulation and walking off with bogey it sucks. Indeed, if you are close enough to the hole and exiting with pars it can begin to frustrate. The psychology of putting can tip you over the edge during a round. A couple of very makeable misses can put a golfer in a bad frame of mind right at the outset. It should be easy and the outcome should be assured. These assumptions can set us up to fail. At the same time confidence on the greens is pretty important too. So, what is the answer to making the most important shot in golf? Be humble and attentive to the process. Yes, believe in yourself by all means but don’t get beyond the process. Treat every putt on its own merits and do not turn a missed putt or two into a story. Human beings love to stitch together disparate events into a narrative. There are 18 greens and 18 holes – treat each one as a unique opportunity. The psychology of putting puts a lot on the line and it is easy to get down on yourself after a few misses. Yes, you can learn things and can correct mistakes in your application if truly required but don’t go creating an epic song and dance out of it.

Golfers on the 2nd green at Galashiels Golf Course by Walter Baxter is licensed under CC-BY-SA 2.0 I played with a good young golfer the other day, after I had come back after a break from the game. It was my first real competitive game for quite a few weeks and I was striking it pretty good. On the greens, however, I was making a mess of things and this young fellow pointed out that I was coming out of my putts before completing the stroke. I had missed a few and my confidence was down. Unbeknown to me I was sneaking a peek ahead of time. I applied the fix and sunk the very next 12 footer. Putting is such a simple action that it is too easy to treat it with a lack of respect. If we don’t commit fully to the set up and stroke we can be a degree or two off and that over 15 feet can mean missing by inches.

Photo by Peter Jacob Drew on Pexels.com A solid solution is to develop a putting set up at address that tells you that you are fully committed. Find some physical indicators that you can check off. Remind yourself to stay in the stroke and don’t look up until you hear that ball fall into the hole. Take your time over putting without being ridiculous. Own the space because it is the most important shot in golf. Wisdom from The Stoic Golfer: Finding Inner Peace & Focus on the Fairway by Robert Sudha Hamilton Available at Amazon ©GolfDom Read the full article

[columboscreens]

I do love how Columbo basically treats his murder hunts as a game. But not just any game.

There was a book i read back in middle school of a man who took a hitchhiker to a barren desert, set him loose without any equipment, all so that he could hunt the most dangerous game of all: man. It is my belief that Columbo treats his murder cases as such. It's the thrill of the hunt that earned him his job, and he stops at nothing to take down his prey.

Of course, he's not in it just for the thrill, i mean someone just lost their life. But it definitely helps with his efficiency.

the thing about columbo is that our little guy is a gamer.

hear me out. there is nothing a creative and analytical mind like columbo's loves more than a game. it's why he's lasted so long and been so successful in such an inherently traumatic occupation.

if you give him any game of skill (notice how he avoids games of chance at casinos), he's drawn to it like moth to a flame. he's the type who just has to become good at or beat the game he's playing, and he has the drive, know-how, and talents to help him become top-notch at any which one he touches. it might be cards, puzzles, wordplay, pinball, bowling, billiards, darts, golf. probably video games if he were younger! the list goes on.

his father taught him how to play pool, or his father taught him how to manipulate people flawlessly? maybe both. you decide......

but when it comes to going toe-to-toe with a murderer, those skills transfer very effectively. he learns their game and gets on their level. he tailors his approach and tactics to the environment in which he finds himself, all just part of learning a new game.

and the man doesn't only play his part, he has fun. he has panache, he has showmanship, he does a little tap dance routine with a warrant for arrest in his hand. and i think that's part of why his job provides him with so much fulfillment.

you just lost the game, sir. nyoooom

obviously catching murderers is ultimately about invoking justice on behalf of the law and sanctity of human life, yadda yadda. columbo has more than enough empathy to know that and handle situations accordingly.

but there is no doubt a dark pleasure he derives, savors from chasing and nailing most of his perps that goes beyond a mere penchant for justice. from seeing suspects squirm, from seeing them get whittled down, from seeing them explode in frustration. from winning. call it sadism, call it schadenfreude, call it whatever. i've mentioned that people bit steven moffat's head off for daring to suggest that columbo was a sadist but he was right!

columbo's obviously not evil, he doesn't torture people for the hell of it. he serves his own form of justice and retribution to those who deserve it; having to go through him and his investigative tactics is its own punishment. lots of murderers end the episode relieved to be going to prison because they're finally out from under his thumb.

if he were a normal detective with normal tendencies, columbo would be a much less entertaining show--he'd accost the suspect, quietly gather evidence over time, and make an arrest. indeed, it's that very hard-on for seeing murderers suffer that makes the show fun. plus it's such a laudable thing to be sadistic about that who can even blame him lol. oh you get off seeing uhh Murderers Eat Shit And Go To Jail? that sucks i hate that

frankly, i believe that if he didn't have that gas to feed the flame in him, he'd burn out very quickly. the show gives us rare glimpses of the toll columbo's job takes on him. it's grueling and unforgiving, so i dont think it's merely the merit of catching the murderer that keeps him going--it's the thrill and reward of the game.

gg no re

[kino-rogers]

Radio Times 13-19 March 2004 (Dec's version) Transcription

Still trying to get my hands on Ant's version but here we have the full transcription of the interviews nonetheless! I believe they both have the same interview in them, it's just different covers ehe

Full transcription under read more.

Title: POPULAR IDOLS Subheading: Some people say Ant and Dec are bland. Their 16 million viewers might beg to differ. By Andrew Duncan. Main photograph by James Stenson

Title: POPULAR IDOLS Subheading: Some people say Ant and Dec are bland. Their 16 million viewers might beg to differ. By Andrew Duncan. Main photograph by James Stenson

ENTERTAINMENT Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway Saturdays ITV1

Main body: (Page 1) Their names trip off the tongue with the cosy familiarity of seaside confectionery: Ant and Dec; skittish, ubiquitous and easily digested, although leaving a queasy aftertaste in a minority who perceive their three top-rated programmes – Pop Idol, I’m a Celebrity… Get Me out of Here! and Saturday Night Takeaway, which returns this week – as the ultimate in tacky, dumbed-down TV. Anthony McPartlin and Declan Donnelly, both 28, bubble with wholesome enthusiasm. They’ve supped from the poisoned chalice of Saturday-night TV and emerged triumphant, laden with awards. But are they too anodyne to be true? “After this interview we’re going to the pub to get rat-arsed,” says Ant, while Dec chuckles behind him. “People say I’m normal – I take that as a compliment.”

They sit together as they appear on TV: Ant on the left facing you, Dec to the right. Ant says: “It helps viewers recognise us. It’s weird to realise that 70 percent don’t know which is which. Maybe no one cares. Fair enough.” Indeed, they seem interchangeable – the same Geordie accent, bright eyes, sense of fun – with none of the obvious differences (straight man and joker; light and dark) of most double acts, from Morecambe and Wise to Lennon and McCartney. As individual performers it’s doubtful that they would have been such a success, but together they make a formidable team: sweet, approachable, eager to please. They live two doors from each other in a west London mews and seem to never have had a cross word in their lives. Heavens, they’ve even just started playing golf together. “That fad won’t last,” says Ant. “We’re rubbish. When you have cash you buy all the best gear and turn up looking like a high-priced fool.”

There’s been very little scandal surrounding them – last year Dec “romanced” a six-foot lap-dancer (“He was a tiger in bed,” she said) after a dissolute night out, and is now single after a long relationship with an actress, Clare Buckfield. Ant has lived with singer Lisa Armstrong since he was 18: “We’ve talked about marrying and always said we will – one day.” Any differences are subtle. Dec is slightly smaller, and more easy-going. Ant takes longer to warm up. When they met in April 1990, on the set of the children’s TV soap Byker Grove, in which they played PJ (Ant) and (Page 2) Duncan (Dec), Dec says he looked at Ant, who was sitting with his head in his hands, and thought, “Miserable sod.”

Pop out info box on page 2: Title: GROWING UP IN PUBLIC

Subheading: How two likely lads became our most-watched TV presenters

GROOVY GROVERS Kids loved Byker Grove’s PJ and Duncan, and even sent them into pop charts. Yeah, thanks!

(This box features 4 pictures with captioning underneath. Captions listed as follows: top left, top right, bottom left and bottom right)

TAKE OFF SM:TV Live became must-see TV for adults as well as children. Beats shopping!

GETTING IN TUNE Ant and Dec were Messrs Nice to Simon Cowell’s Mr Nasty on Pop Idol

PRICES, SURPRISES, DISGUISES Yes, Saturday Night Takeaway is the Noel’s House Party de nos jours

THE BUG TIME The lads, not the creepy-crawlies, made I’m a Celebrity unmissable for 16 million

Main body (cont.)

“Nothing much has changed,” says Ant. “I was scared, although I’m accused of being miserable a lot of the time. I’m nervous and quite shy.” Dec adds: “It’s nice to hide behind this persona of the TV presenter, which is an exaggerated version of your real personality. Ant still makes me laugh every day. At work you can develop a siege mentality and sometimes think it’s us against the world, so we have to trust each other. It’s fraud when double acts pretend to be friends on telly but really don’t get on.”

Saturday Night Takeaway is a live mix of stunts, surprises and outside broadcasts, with a raucous studio audience who compete for prizes by answering indecently easy questions. Last year it attracted eight million viewers a week. “We felt really nervous about starting it,” says Dec. “We were on a hiding to nothing. Variety was a dirty word and viewers had stopped watching TV on a Saturday night. To go from there to picking up a National Television Award last year for most popular entertainment presenters was quite a journey.”

They take criticism in their stride. “You can sneer and say we’re dumbing down,” says Ant. “I don’t agree. There’s snobbery about a lot of people enjoying the same thing on a Saturday night and there shouldn’t be. Our show brings the family together after tea, when Dad’s home from a match and Mam’s done the shopping.” “It’s not cool to be popular,” adds Dec. “But who wants to be cool? I’d prefer to be popular and watched by millions rather than a select few who ‘get’ it. I’ve never regarded myself as cool.” “God, no,” Ant echoes. “I don’t worry if people say we’re bland and unthreatening, but if we enjoy something risqué we’ll go with it because you have to keep challenging yourself as a performer. We try to push the boundaries a bit because that makes exciting telly, but we never intentionally set out to offend or be rude that early on a Saturday night. If we didn’t understand and respect family values we’d perform late-night on a smaller station and amuse ourselves by being very blue for an hour.”

Another of their popular shows, Pop Idol, has, like Fame Academy, been accused of celebrating mediocrity. “Why shouldn’t you celebrate mediocrity?” asks Ant, perhaps ironically. Dec adds: “It’s nothing that hasn’t been done before with Opportunity Knocks and New Faces. It’s a talent show, that’s all. You can’t become over-analytical.”

Family-oriented television is what they’ve always aspired to. “As a little boy I’d get up in the morning and run downstairs to watch Noel Edmonds on Swap Shop, says Dec. “These people who call themselves critics – did they say ‘Mummy, when I grow up I want to criticise what everyone else does’? That’s not an ambition.” Noel Edmonds has noted that they’ve “adapted” many of his ideas. Dec smiles. “Bless him,” he smiles wryly. “We’re doing telly for the next generation.” Ant adds: “You draw from your influences.”

Despite the actors’ initial lack of mutual appreciation on the set of Byker Grove, their two characters became friends. “We were forced to hang out together,” says Dec. “and we realised we liked similar telly and music, lived ten minutes apart [in Fenham, Newcastle], and had the same working-class background. [Dec’s dad is a plumber and he’s the youngest of seven; Ant’s father ran a pub, and he’s the oldest of three.] Then we started supporting Newcastle United together.”

Highlighted quote in paragraph above: “Who wants to be cool? I’d prefer to be popular” – Dec

Main body (cont.)

They have knocked down almost impenetrable barriers: first by transforming themselves from child actors to pop stars. They had ten top-20 hits – initially as PJ and Duncan, later simply as Ant and Dec – and recorded the farcically bad We’re on the Ball for the 2002 England World Cup squad. “We were offered a record contract, but we had no aspirations to be singer-songwriters,” says Ant. “We enjoyed ourselves, fulfilled a three-album deal and then thought, ‘Hang on, they’re going to find us out if we continue.’ Have you heard some of our records?” He looks horrified. ���To be honest, there wasn’t much money in it at our level.”

Their next TV manifestation was on the BBC in 1995 with The Ant and Dec Show, where one highlight was “Beat the Barber”, in which a child’s head was shaved if they gave wrong answers to questions. “Certain producers wanted to tone it down for a third series,” recalls Ant. “We thought there was no point in taking a step back, or censoring ourselves, so we parted company.” Then Channel 4 commissioned one series of Ant and Dec Unzipped before ITV took them on as hosts for the Saturday-morning children’s show SM:TV Live in 1998. It became the Swap Shop of its day, beating BBC1’s Live and Kicking into second place in the ratings. From there, they made the difficult transition to mainstream programmes and now have a wide audience ranging from kids to grannies, culminating in the huge success of the last I’m a Celebrity series, which attracted up to 16 million viewers.

“In America the presenters play it straight – it’s very gung-ho, and the (Page 3) fittest wins. It doesn’t work so well,” says Ant. “Ours started with the idea of filming a documentary style, taking it seriously, with psychologists, but it evolved. You have to take the piss out of the fact that ten celebrities are stuck in the jungle doing ridiculous things to earn food for the rest of the camp. In the first series the Bushtucker Trials weren’t that gruesome, but they’ve grown in awfulness and disgusting-ness. We love the show dearly but aren’t afraid to take the Mick at any given opportunity.”

Highlighted quote in paragraph above: “We have a lot of fun and love going to work. It’s as simple as that” – Ant

Main body (cont.) “You can’t take it seriously and believe it’s an acute social experiment, because it’s not,” says Dec. “It’s ludicrous, an entertainment. Snobs say they won’t watch because they assume it’s rubbish. Well, 16 million viewers can’t be wrong. A few years ago, we laughed at the Japanese making similar shows, and thought we’d never do it. The levels of what we tolerate on telly have changed very rapidly. The question is, where do we go from here? I don’t know. I admire contestants for having the balls to do it. Neither of us would.”

In the future, they’d like to return to acting, undeterred by the poor reception for their 2002 “tribute” to The Likely Lads, where they remade the classic episode No Hiding Place. “Sitcom has always intrigued us,” says Ant. “But it’s hard to get right. We wouldn’t assume that because we’re Ant and Dec we’d come up with a hit. But, like Saturday Night Takeaway, we wouldn’t be put off because people say it’s another poisoned chalice. People in this business can be cynical, but for God’s sake, we have three of the biggest formats on ITV and viewers enjoy what we do. We’ve had ups and downs, so we appreciate the good times. We have a lot of fun and love going to work. It’s simple as that.” And with that. It’s off to the pub.

Advertisement in the bottom left of the page

RT SHOP Ant & Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway is available from RT Shop for just £14.99 on DVD (RRP £16.99) or £10.99 on video (RRP £12.99). To order, send a cheque or PO, payable to Choices Direct, stating which format you require, to: Saturday Night Takeaway Offer, RT Video Shop, RADT9013, PO Box 190, Peterborough, PE2 6UW, or call 0870 400 3850. Price includes p&p.

[earthnashes]

Out of curiosity, since Sports are the major settlement on many disagreements in your AU, do any of the Major characters have a favorite or preferred Sport they're the best at, or enjoy playing in particular?

-Mario loves the Super Star event; not necessarily because he's really good at it but because it's just tons of fun. He likes the challenges Bowser thinks up for the event and often finds them very clever. Alternatively, he loves playing Basketball.

-Luigi loves Kart Racing; Luigi isn't typically competitive but when it comes to racing? Oh shit is on. He's almost like a completely different person when he races; not mean of course, but man he becomes very competitive.

-Peach loves Tennis, and is particularly good at it. She mostly only plays it for leisure but often wipes the floor with her competition.

-Bowser loves Golf. He isn't actually good at it, but like Peach he plays it for the fun of it, not because of his skill. He finds it rather relaxing and loves bringing the kids to play as well.

-Bowsette loves Roller Derby; it's probably the first sport she's ever played because Kamek figured it'd be an excellent way to get all of her aggressive energy out without actually hurting anyone. He was right. She loves the rush and the speed of the sport, and absolutely loves being able to get as physical as she can. She's prone to shittalking her opponents.

-Daisy loves Soccer; Brawling is her sport of career choice and while she does indeed enjoy it, it's still essentially her job. She loves playing soccer for the hell of it, specifically Strikers Soccer for it's more aggressive style.

-Pauline loves Surfing. Like Peach she doesn't actually do it for the sake of competing, although when she was young she used to be on a surfing highschool team; she was good enough to consider going pro but ultimately pursued a career in politics. She often takes vacations to places with oceans so she can catch a few waves.

[blackjack-15]

Hunting For Some Buried Story — Thoughts on: Ransom of the Seven Ships (RAN)

Previous Metas: SCK/SCK2, STFD, MHM, TRT, FIN, SSH, DOG, CAR, DDI, SHA, CUR, CLK, TRN, DAN, CRE, ICE, CRY, VEN, HAU

Hello and welcome to a Nancy Drew meta series! 30 metas, 30 Nancy Drew Games that I’m comfortable with doing meta about. Hot takes, cold takes, and just Takes will abound, but one thing’s for sure: they’ll all be longer than I mean them to be.

Each meta will have different distinct sections: an Introduction, an exploration of the Title, an explanation of the Mystery, a run-through of the Suspects. Then, I’ll tackle some of my favorite and least favorite things about the game, and finish it off with ideas on how to improve it. Like with all of the Odd Games, there will be a section between The Intro and The Title called The Weird Stuff, where I go into what makes this game stand out as a little strange.

If any game requires an extra section or two, they’ll be listed in the paragraph above, along with links to previous metas.

These metas are not spoiler free, though I’ll list any games/media that they might spoil here: RAN; STFD; mention of FIN; GTH; mention of SPY.

The Intro:

We’re two-thirds of the way through the meta series officially (yay for meta #20!), and what a way to cap off that marker: with the last of the Odd Games.

And my land, how Odd it is. And that’s ignoring that in August of 2020, this game was very quietly discontinued — speculated to be because of the…well, pseudo-brownface in the game.

Oh yeah, we’re starting with that little bomb.

Before we truly begin, however, let me state one fact: the controversies over this game do not make it any more interesting, unfortunately. I don’t know how a game can be both this objectively bad and this objectively boring as a mystery, but RAN is an example of many, many impossible feats in the video game industry (boring yet bad, controversial yet uninteresting, finicky yet sluggish in controls, so it might as well begin as it means to go on.

I’m also stating here for the record that I’m not really going to focus on the social aspect of this game; it’s always been out of the scope of these metas to focus on current events or social issues, and race is such a hot button issue that no matter what anyone says, someone gets mad. Besides that, it’s really not an interesting tack to take with this meta, not when there’s so many things to talk about regarding RAN as a game and/or as a mystery. If you came into this meta expecting a breakdown as it relates to any social issues, this might not be the meta for you.

If you came for a beat-down on RAN, however, you’re in the right place. Get comfy.

Ransom of the Seven Ships had all the pieces in place to make it a great game; we’ve got Bess and George in the (weird, plasticky) flesh, a fascinating and beautiful location, a historical background based in Spanish exploration, the Age of Piracy, and treasure hunting…all of these are great, honestly, and it’s part of what makes RAN so offensively bad — it could have been really great.

Instead of a wonderful game based around pirate treasure, however, Nancy plays games with monkeys, drives on the world’s slowest golf cart, and trusts the only other person on the entire freaking island when he says he didn’t kidnap her friend. Even though he is the ONLY OTHER PERSON ON THE FREAKING ISLAND.

This game is based off of a Nancy Drew mystery entitled “The Broken Anchor”, which actually is fairly close to the plot of the game — the girls win a contest (though in this case it’s one they didn’t even enter) to go to the Bahamas, Nancy arrives (with Carson) and can’t contact Bess or George, there’s a mysterious treasure, etc. etc. In part, I think, RAN’s problems come from following the book too closely, as there’s really very little to the plot of the book. Game plots necessarily have to have a little more meat to them, as you can’t spend the whole time with Nancy pontificating on the scenery or food (as she is wont to do), and RAN is missing a lot of meat.

Specifically, the meat that it’s missing is any suspects at all. Like I said, there’s only one other person (other than Nancy, Bess, and George) on the island, and it’s ‘Johnny Rolle’ — a self-professed fisherman and loner who’s boat has been wrecked by the monkeys.

There are way too many effing monkeys in this game, side note. How I wish the monkeys were a side note.

Nancy, despite her normal M.O when a kidnapping of a friend has taken place, just kinda rolls with his story and accepts it, digging pointless holes in the sand while he definitely has Bess trapped. And then there’s the weirdness with the monkeys trying to kill her as she scales a sheer cliff wall.

Honestly, if I go any more into it, I’m just going to end up tearing it apart piece by piece, and that’s for the Fix section. So let’s move on to the specific things that make this game truly the capstone of the Odd Games.

The Weird Stuff:

This game is, first and foremost, a story about personal revenge — or, at least, that’s the big takeaway, no matter what HER actually intended for it to be about. After being busted by Nancy (and Lillian, and Ralph, but he apparently doesn’t care about them), Dwayne sat in prison stewing over his ignominious defeat at the hands of a teenaged sleuth until he heard about the supposed treasure on Dread Isle. His greed for the treasure combined with his hatred of Nancy began to fester together, culminating in a slightly complex but ultimately stupid plan to get both money and revenge.

This is a motivation unlike any we’ve encountered. Sure, a handful of Nancy Drew villains have sworn their revenge on Nancy (most notably at this point in the series Helena from VEN), but no one has actually done it — until Dwayne.

This should have made the whole game feel intensely personal — and indeed, bringing back tokens and things from Nancy’s past cases and locations should have built to that. However, the game never really comes to a fever pitch of a feeling of someone is watching Nancy and actively hates her, even though it makes a few attempts. More than any other game, Nancy should have been scared here — and it’s odd that she isn’t.

The second odd thing here is the returning villain. I don’t think this is a bad thing at all — I love the idea of a returning villain — but I do think it was a mistake to pick Dwayne Powers. At this point in the series, STFD was hardly a well-known game, and was generally unplayable due to technological advances.

Yes, later STFD would get a bit of a sprucing up and become playable again (and this game, funnily enough, would be relegated to the ‘unplayable’ pile — Dwayne never can win, I guess), but that didn’t matter at the time that RAN was coming out.

There were several better choices — VEN’s Helena, SHA’s Shorty, DOG’s Emily (who had already received a mention recently in DAN) — so why go with Dwayne? Did they pick him on purpose because no one would suspect (or rather, remember) him? Was he the most obscure villain they could think of? Mitch Dillon (who never appeared really) from SCK would have been an equally obscure but somehow more frightening choice. I’m really at a loss to figure out why they chose Dwayne, of all people.

The third thing that makes this game odd is the lack of suspects. Sure, they give a hat-tip to the Gibsons perhaps being hidden on the island (which, let’s just say, they shouldn’t have — never use as a red herring something that would have made the game so much better), but Dwayne/Johnny really is the only suspect.

I have no idea if they were rushed, if they thought that his different identities counted as extra suspects, or if they just wanted to try something different with this game, but it in no way worked. It’s so mind-bogglingly simple to figure out who kidnapped Bess that it makes Nancy look like she’s quite a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

The last Odd thing that I’ll hang on is how incredibly out-of-character Nancy is in this game. We’ve only seen Nancy work kidnapping (or supposed kidnapping) cases a few times in the series as a whole — FIN’s Maya, RAN’s Bess, and GTH’s Jessalyn — but in both FIN and GTH Nancy takes them very seriously, being harsher and more impatient with less time for people’s lies and stories than she usually is, and really feeling the pressure of the clock.

It makes sense; even discounting the Missing Mom trauma that sits deep within Nancy, the first 48 hours of a kidnapping are basically the only window that she has, statistically speaking, to find the victim still alive and okay. She nearly flies off the handle at the suspects in FIN, and digs uncomfortably deep even at very touchy subjects in GTH.

It then stands to reason that, with FIN in the past and GTH in the future, that Nancy would react similarly in this case. Bess is one of Nancy’s best friends, and the friend that we’re shown most often (think of the flashback in SPY; Bess is the one who comes over after Kate and Carson’s fight) around Nancy, like in CRY.

You’d think that, in the face of Bess’ unambiguous kidnapping, that Nancy would be raising hell — contacting anyone she could, taking no prisoners, ripping Dwayne’s tarp down, turning the island upside down, etc. — but instead, she’s calm, almost relaxed, spending time playing games with monkeys and driving aimlessly around the island.

It honestly makes no sense that she’s like this. This is one of a small handful of games where Nancy is deeply, personally invested, where she has a quick running clock, and where the stakes are deadly yet somewhat unknown.

Nancy comes into this with no background, no contacts, no ability to really look things up, and no help — George’s meager efforts do not count — and yet she acts like there are really no stakes. It doesn’t make me dislike her, it doesn’t make me fold that into her characterization — it just makes me say “wow, the writing is really bad here, huh”.

The Title:

Ransom of the Seven Ships is an amazing title; there’s really no getting around this fact. And for the bare bones of the game, it’s more than a suitable title. You’ve got the word ‘ransom’ doing double duty — meaning both treasure and the price to return someone who’s been kidnapped — you’ve got the ships indicating pirate treasure, and that also tells us we’re probably on an island.

Honestly, this is a far better title than this game really deserved (which is half the reason for this meta: turning the game into something that deserves its title). It’s certainly far better than “The Broken Anchor”, its source material, while keeping a pirate-y nature about it. While it’s a little different than most Nancy Drew games’ titles have been up to this point — as they’re usually “The (Adjective) Noun of Location” or “The Adjective Noun”, that’s not a bad thing at all.

This title really does make me sad with how wonderful it is. It deserved so much better. Same with Ship of Shadows, which is also boss.

The Mystery:

Having won an all-expense paid vacation to Dread Isle in the Bahamas (which should have been their first clue that something hinky was afoot), Bess invites Nancy and George along with her. Nancy arrives the day after the cousins, having stayed for a later flight because of a prior engagement with Carson, and is greeted by a frantic George who tells her that Bess has been kidnapped, that the owners of the resort – the Gibsons — aren’t there, and that she’s been worried sick.

  Nancy, naturally, senses something Amiss, and sets off to explore the islands, beginning from the pink sand beach where Bess’ water powered golf cart (yes, I know) is still sitting. She discovers Bess’ shoe next to the only other person on the island — a fisherman named Johnny Rolle from Jamaica — and sets off to explore the rest of the island.

Along the way she finds notes from Bess’ kidnappers, instructions on digging for treasure, twisting island paths, and monkeys. So many friggin monkeys. All of whom Nancy must appease in order to progress in her hunt for one of her oldest friends.

Yeah.

As a mystery…well, what is there really to say about the mystery? It should have been over the second Nancy found Bess’ shoe right outside Dwayne’s camp where a Suspicious Tarp Just Big Enough To Hide the Body of a Young Adult was hanging. An intelligent way to draw it out would be to have Nancy discover Bess there, but for Dwayne to pull a fast one on her and trap her below…but this isn’t the fix section, so let’s just move on past that.

If you weren’t going to add in any new characters or suspects, it might be best to have this game flip from a whodunnit to a howdunnit/howcatchem after the first third; as it is (aka since I’m going to add far more characters in The Fix section), we’ll move right along to the suspect in question himself.

The Suspects:

Yes, I know that this part should just be “The Suspect”.

Believe me, I know.

Wearing a whole cornucopia of masks, Johnny Rolle — aka John E. Poole — is an Australian accountant, hiding from ‘bad clients’ by painting himself brown and adopting a horrible (and horribly stereotypical) Jamaican accent. Nancy discovers his ‘true’ identity by finding an ID with his name on it while he’s still in the ‘Johnny’ disguise. Of course, this ‘true identity’ isn’t his true identity as all…

Dwayne Powers —aka Owen W. Spayder — is sitting underneath the bad wig, bandana, brownface, and horrible accents, and is voiced in this go-around by HER’s chameleon of many voices, good ol’ JVS. After hearing about Dread Isle’s rumors of treasure and their monkey research lab shutting down from a volunteer at his prison (yes, we’re already way too complicated for this game), Dwayne started planning to get the treasure and get revenge on Nancy at the same time.

As the culprit…man is Dwayne horrible. He’s so stupid that it really kills me that Nancy actually falls for his act, because it makes her even stupider. It’s not a good plan, it’s not well thought out, it’s not even a complete plan — it relies on too many unknowables. What if Nancy and George had just stormed his camp and found Bess? What if Nancy figured out it was him? Like, I know Dwayne is an egotist, but this is just dumb.

Before I eviscerate any more, let’s just move on to the few good things in this game.

The Favorite:

The best thing about RAN (other than its music, which as always is super good) is honestly its location. Dread Isle is beautifully and uniquely rendered, and doesn’t look like any other game with the pink-sand beaches, beautiful horizon line, and foliage all befitting a Bahamian resort.

I also like the idea of a returning culprit; while it wasn’t handled well here, I do think it’s a great idea as quite a few culprits have promised revenge on Nancy at the end of their games. Do I think it would have been better if it was Helena, who promised revenge only 2 games ago, rather than going back 18 games to a game that most hadn’t played due to lack of availability? Of course; but the idea behind it was sound.

I don’t have a favorite puzzle or favorite moment; even Dwayne’s dramatic reveal is ruined by the fact that Nancy is at all surprised that he was wearing a disguise and, once again, that the only other person on the island was responsible for kidnapping her friend.

The Un-Favorite:

As far as this section goes…there’s a lot that I don’t like, but there are a few things that stand out more than the rest as truly un-favorite.

My least favorite thing about this game, as you might be able to guess, is that it makes Nancy seem so stupid. We’ve had 19 games of Nancy (mostly; this meta series does go over the exceptions) figuring out clues, chasing bad guys, and solving puzzles without breaking a sweat, and then for this game she’s fooled by some makeup, a wig, and a bad accent? At least in STFD Dwayne put some effort into his work; this is just sad, and it’s even sadder that Nancy falls for it.

My least favorite moment in the game is probably the first conversation with ‘Johnny’. Nancy finds Bess’ shoe, gets strung up in a trap, and then believes that the guy sitting a few feet away is innocent and telling the truth? It’s a moment that truly sets up what a crap shoot this game is about to become, and that alone is enough to make it my least favorite.

My least favorite puzzle is anything to do with the monkeys; playing games with them, scaling the cliff, talking to them, talking about them — literally anything. I don’t like monkeys on a good day, but to have so many puzzles in the game revolve around playing their stupid little games with them? Not a good thing at all. Especially since getting around the island (and, of course, the monkeys live quite far away from anything else on the island) is so aggravatingly slow and clunky — it makes everything feel like a total slog.

The Fix:

So how would I fix Ransom of the Seven Ships?

My gosh, just remake the game.

More seriously, there are quite a few things that I would do in order to make playing through RAN a little more enjoyable and a lot more story-driven (and in line with Nancy and George’s characters). As always, I’m trying to keep this as close to the actual game as possible with few or no huge changes, so Dwayne will still be our culprit, Bess will still have won his giveaway, and Dread Isle will still be the spot of El Toro’s treasure.

The first thing I would do is get rid of Dwayne’s brownface/first disguise, and have him be the Australian accountant named John E. Poole, running from Bad News clients who he didn’t allow to cheat come tax day. That sets him up as a good guy to begin with (if a little foolish to cross such powerful clients), and gives a reason why he’s not staying at the resort (he’s trying to hide and not leave a paper/money trail at the same time). He should be staying in a little homemade hut, not with a Suspicious Tarp Obviously Hiding Bess, as he would have had to been on the island for a while to perfect his disguise (and seem trustworthy to the people at the resort).

I would also have the game take place on Nancy’s 19th birthday; if we assume she was barely 18 at the time of STFD, that makes it about a year that he would have been plotting and escaping and setting up this contest and such. It also makes sense as to why Nancy would have a banquet-thing with Carson and why Bess invited her and George — it’s a fabulous birthday party trip, even for the well-off Nancy Drew. That would also add to her anger — this was a great present that Bess (and George) gave her, and Dwayne has just straight-up ruined it.

Another change that would help the atmosphere is to have at least half the game take place at night. I would have the game take place over roughly two days — it ends the night of the second day — so that you can see the island at night. A lot of the demands made by ‘the kidnappers’ should be done at night — treasure digging, in particular — so as to not be more disruptive to the island than a missing persons case would already be.

Of course, one of the biggest things to do would be to add more suspects.

The Gibsons — both of them — should definitely be there at the resort. I’d have one half of the couple be in the resort during the day, and the other at night, so Nancy can interact with them both differently and have different tasks/discussions with them. Perhaps Mrs. Gibson is an expert on the island’s ‘lore’ — El Toro’s treasure and stuff — while Mr. Gibson is more up on island life and is the law enforcement liaison for the island (who can effectively deputize Nancy to help with the search for Bess).

I would also add one other guest who was supposed to check out right before the first note from the kidnappers came in, and is now stuck on the island until the case is solved. What I’d probably do is make them a Secret Australian (to contrast with Dwayne’s fake Australian accent) — sporting an English accent due to a posh upbringing and studying in England for most of their school life, living in England somewhere (maybe near Blackmoor Manor for a cool Easter egg) — who is Very Grumpy about this and thinks Bess ran off to explore and just got lost. I’d probably make them unhelpful to the last — even when Bess is found and had definitely been kidnapped, to just shrug it off and to board the plane to get home as quickly as possible.

The last person I’d add in is someone working the desk — specifically, an older teenager who is very cagey about themselves and how they know what they know, but who seems to know a lot more than they let on. This person would, of course, end up being a member of ATAC, and once Nancy figures it out, would be able to connect you with help from the Hardy Boys. This ATAC member would be scoping out the Gibsons for evidence of getting guests under false pretenses, but would ultimately change their suspicions to Dwayne and help Nancy and George catch him. Through this ATAC teen, the Hardy Boys could use outside information to give Nancy information about monkeys, the island, treasure, El Toro, and anything else that she encounters, as well as spread their feelers out about the Gibsons, the other guest, and John E. Poole.

I would of course want to improve the tone, which would be helped by having more people on the island — Nancy should feel scared that Bess disappeared with this many people around, and it should feel personal. As the game goes on, even with the added help, the walls should feel like they’re closing in. I would include way more second chances, traps, threatening notes, maybe even recordings of Bess screaming or scared or in pain — something that might push the rating to E+ because, quite frankly, the situation calls for it.

Mechanically, I would put way less focus on the monkeys; they really shouldn’t control everything on the island. Keeping them for a minigame and location is cool, but they definitely shouldn’t have their place of prominence in the game.

I would also remove the fact that you can control George. Out of all the games where I think controlling people other than Nancy would be great, this is not one of them. As worried as Nancy should be, this is George’s cousin — practically her sister, from how close their families are and how much time they spend together — and George would probably be in a State. Sure, she can help with some of the tech stuff, but the player definitely shouldn’t be playing as her in this game. It just feels forced, and it’s not necessary.

Would these changes make RAN a fantastic, award-winning game? No, honestly, they wouldn’t. In order to do that, you’d probably have to scrap the game entirely and start over with even barer bones. But I do think it would help to make it at least better and more playable, and I think that’s a win. Let RAN be remembered for its returning villain and its kidnapping plot, not for being the game that everyone skips during a replay of the series.

[kingfallsamtranscripts2]

King Falls AM Episode Twenty-One: Swimmin’ With Kingsie

King Falls AM Transcript

Episode 21: Swimmin’ With Kingsie

Run time: 23:38

First Aired: Mar 1, 2016

Summary: Reverend Xavier Hawthorne unveils his newest plan for King Falls and the boys get a worrisome call from Lake Hatchenaw.

(For a list of characters and references from this episode see the end of this post)

[King Falls AM theme plays, transitioning into mildly creepy piano music]

Commercial: Sometimes in life things don’t go as we have all planned. Sometimes in life it’s easy to get discouraged when plans change. Do you get discouraged when plans change? We don’t. I’m Leland Hill of the Science Institute. Perhaps you’ve heard of us because of the help we do for families and people in need. Locally, globally, internationally. Or maybe you’ve only heard of us because of the suppressive media attacking myself, Science Institute founder Roland Northwoods, and other Science Institute alumni. Or maybe you’re just lost and looking for help in the dark and scary world. Possibly your inner consciousness is reaching out into the unknown, looking for answers. Why are we here? What’s the meaning of life? Why is a medium drink the size of a small bucket at fast food restaurants? Whatever you seek, just know, the Science Institute can help you. We want to help you. We will help you. We are here, King Falls. 

[King Falls theme plays]

Sammy: The Science Institute? Really?

Ben: Keeps the lights on, Sammy.

Sammy: You’d think they could get one of their Hollywood brainwashed pals to at least read their propaganda instead of the ghoulish Leland Hill.

Ben: He does give me the willies but he is also paying the bills!

Sammy: Absolutely! And I’m sure the advertisement budget he’s paying Merv is a drop in the bucket compared to that old compound they’re finishing on Old Bombing Range Road.

Ben: I can see that you are trying your hardest to stay on their good side, Sammy, but let’s stay on track here.

Sammy: (laughs) You got it, we absolutely can, and should, keep it on the rails, I’m sorry. 

Ben: Ooh, that’s the hot-line right on time. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the good Reverend Xavier Hawthorne calling in to tell us about his new venture as well as hopefully taking calls from you lovely listeners!

Sammy: New venture? Did God start paying less?

Ben: (Clearing his throat) Good evening, Reverend Hawthorne! Thank you so much for working us into your busy schedule.

[Reverend Hawthorne dramatic organ intro music]

Deacon Reggie: Ladies and gentlemen of King Falls, please put your hands together, get those hands a clapping, like the girls asses be clappin’ up in the club, put' em together for the one, the only, Reverend… Xavier… get right with Goooood, Hawthorne! Deacon Reggie, out! (Sound of a high five) Go get ‘em, brother.

Hawthorne: (very quietly) Oh Deacon Reggie, thank you so much for that lovely introduction! Appreciate you, fam!

Sammy: Hi, Reverend Hawthorne… and Deacon Reggie.

Hawthorne: Reggie can’t hear ya, he’s going back to his bunk on the bus. He’s got the gift of God though, don’t he?

Ben: That he does! How are you doing this evening, Reverend?

Reverend: Blessed to be here, Benjamin, Samuel. Gentlemen, how are you doing tonight? I said, how are you doing?

Ben: We’re… we’re well.

Sammy: (Laughing) Not too shabby. H-how are you?

Reverend: Very well, very well indeed. I’m sorry it took so long to get this calling to happen. I’ve been a busy, busy man of God these days.

Ben: Indeed you have, Reverend. Is the tent revival business still going well?

Reverend: Where there are sinners there is always a need for salvation. And where there is salvation, there is Reverend Xavier get right with God Hawthorne’s stomping out the devil revival. You got to stomp out that nasty devil! Just stomp him out!

Sammy: You know, you should have that on t-shirts.

Reverend: Already do! Nineteen ninety-nine each or two for forty dollars. You have a keen eye for marketing, Samuel, a keen eye.

Sammy: Reverend Hawthorne, there was mention of you in the King Falls Gazette a week or two back about you possibly settling down in King Falls. Is there any merit to that claim?

Reverend: Now Samuel, I hate to speak out of turn, but let me just say that good things come to those who wait. And good old Xavier has been a waiting a long time to find a parish to call his own. And glory be I think we might have struck a deal at the King Falls First Old Baptist Church!

Ben: Oh wow, so that would-

Reverend: Can I get an amen, brothers?

Ben: A...men?

Reverend: Our prayers have been answered! Just as soon as the check clears the bank…

Sammy: So you signed a deal that would keep the road show-

Reverend: Ah! Stomping out the devil revival!

Sammy: Stomping out the devil revival with a permanent home in King Falls?

Reverend: Well, we’d still tour. That sneaky devil is always popping his head up where he shouldn’t. The ultimate game of wack-a-mole. And you’d better believe we’ll be there to whack him down every time! Every time, devil! Whack-whack-whack!

Sammy: But…

Reverend: But yes, we will have the church as our home base. Praise be!

Ben: Isn’t the First Old Baptist Church a little… what’s a good way to say this… 

Reverend: Oh it’s a sinkhole waiting to happen! But that’s where we come in, Benjamin. We’re going to raise some money from the good folks of King Falls, and we’re going to build that cheeple steeple into the megachurch that the Holy Trinity, that the town of King Falls, and Xavier Hawthorne deserves! 

Sammy: Huh.

Ben: A megachurch? Those are like stadium size churches, right? How will that ever fit on the corner lot First Baptist is on now?

Reverend: Where there is a God’s will, well don’t you know, there's an entrepreneurial way. Eclesiastes 1, 5 through 7.

Sammy: Now Reverend, for those residents who don’t go to church, but would still like to know that they’re helping an institution that will help out their fellow man-

Reverend: I hear the doubt in you, Samuel! And it is strong. And it is scary. I don’t want to go Yoda on you, but you don’t want none of the dark side funk on your everlasting soul, son!

Sammy: Right. Back to the question, I’m assuming that the church will be actively putting money and good will back into the town. Is that correct?

Reverend: You’d better believe it, Sammy. But there’s no other reason to do it than to help out all of God’s children.

Sammy: Some more than others? 

Reverend: We’ll be doing outreach programs, food for the needy, clothes for the poor. We’re working on a deal to rent out the old dilapidated putt-putt place right next to the church as well.

Ben: Oh man! Sir Putts-a-Lot? That was the place to go back when I was in middle school!

Reverend: Sadly, I don’t think it’s seen many good years since then. But we’re going to try to refurbish and reopen as a money making venture for the folks, like you’re speaking of, Sammy, that don’t do church. Now, we’ll be Christian themed, but it’ll still be fun for the non-believers.

Ben: Oh man, I can’t wait. Sammy, the eight hole at Sir Putts-a-Lot was-

Reverend: (Loudly) Glory Holes!

Ben and Sammy: What?!

Reverend: Glory Holes- mini golf for a mighty God. We opened one in Tuscaloosa back in 2013. It’s a proverbial gold mine for God.

Ben: Okay, well that’s… that’s an interesting choice of words.

Sammy: (laughing) I can’t wait to go to Glory Holes! Do you have an approximate grand opening date? You know, that’s something that should be marked on every calendar in town. I’d like to mark it on every calendar in town, actually.

Reverend: As I’ve said, checks have to clear, hands need to be shaken, and prayers need to be answered. We’ll see, but it should be sooner than later, boys.

Sammy: I had questions, but you know what… I can’t follow that. 

Ben: Reverend, would you mind sticking around and taking some calls with us?

Reverend: Absolutely! Anything to spread the good word and the gospel.

Sammy: You heard Xavier’s story, kids, now let’s hear yours. Give us a call at the studio, (424)279-358.

Ben: Uh, before we go to the phone lines! Does God ever, like, intervene in matters of the… heart?

Sammy: Ben.

Ben: You know what I mean. Rev, like, if a boy likes a girl, but the boy made a real righteous ass- excuse my language- out of himself to save the girl from another boy’s affections… creepy, creepy affections?

Sammy: This sounds familiar, Ben. Is this anybody we know?

Ben: I’m asking for a friend.

Sammy: Right.

Ben: So, Reverend, I- I don’t really know how this works, like, if my friend, uh, prays really hard will he-

Sammy: Tilt the odds in his favor.

Ben: Exactly!

Reverend: You know, Benjamin, I think it starts with having a personal relationship with your lord and savior, Jesus Christ, and then feeling it out from there.

Sammy: I think it works for wars and football teams all the time. Give it a shot, Ben.

Ben: Can’t hurt, right?

Sammy: The phone lines are lit up, Buddy.

Ben: Right, uh, right. Heh, we can talk about that later, Rev.

Sammy: Lucky line one, you’re on King Falls AM with the Reverend Xavier get right with God Hawthorne.

Caller: Hey, Sammy. Hey, Ben. Hey, Rev.

Sammy: Ron Begley! How are you doing, sir? Long time no talk!

Ron: Doing just fine, Sammy! Just fine!

Ben: Do you have a question for Reverend Hawthorne?

Ron: Sure thing. Now, Reverend Hawthorne, what would the going rate be to rent old Glory Holes for a private putting party? I got an ex-life partner Bruce looking for a place to get hitched to his fiance, Larry, who happens to be a golf pro.

Reverend: Whoa, now!

Ron: Hello?

Reverend: I’m sorry, Bruce and Larry?

Ron: Yeah! Do you know ‘em? They’re all kinds of religious.

Reverend: You know, I have to get with our finance manager. There’s a lot of moving pieces and- what was it- do y’all hear that? It’s God. He’s a calling me. I got him on the spiritual speed dial. I think I’m losing you, fellas. Let’s chat about-

[The sound of a phone hanging up cuts off the rest of what the Reverend is saying.]

Ron: Hahaha, works every time.

Sammy: I’m guessing there is no Bruce or Larry. 

Ron: Hell yeah there is! And I really wanna rent out a putt-putt place named Glory Holes for the reception, but I didn’t figure that stuffed pudgery would talk about it.

Sammy: I think you’re correct.

Ben: How’ve you been, Ron?

Ron: Uh I can’t complain. But I do anyway. All’s well at the bait shop.

Sammy: And how is, uh… you know.

Ben: Just say it, Sammy!

Ron: You can do it, Sammy! How is who?

Sammy: Oh fine! How is Kingsey the lake monster doing?

Ron: All right! That’s what I’m talking about.

Ben: You did it, buddy. I’m proud of you!

Sammy: Oh, whatever. Saying is not believing, guys.

Ron: One important step closer. She’s doing just fine, by the way. But I gotta tell you, I’ve seen Kingsie more now than I ever have before. Seems like anytime I’m on the lake Kingsie comes right on up. No fear in her at all. It’s the damnedest thing.

Ben: That’s strange, Ron. Wasn’t it just a few months back that you had people out on the lake hunting her almost?

Ron: Yeah I don’t get it. You’d think she’d be more scared of the boat and the people but I’ve seen her visiting boats with my own eyes! I don’t like it.

Sammy: So no more trouble with trespassers, then?

Ron: Not a lick of trouble! I fixed those lousy poaching' sons of whores good!

Sammy: Do we even want to know?

Ron: Let’s just say I might have put some buckshot to some behinds!

Sammy: I’m not touching that one.

Ron: (laughs) That’s what he said.

Sammy: I don’t know if…

Ron: It works, Sammy! Trust me.

Sammy: I’ll just make a mental note not to be out on the lake looking for trouble.

Ben: So uh if you didn’t have a question for the Reverend, what’s going on then, Ron?

Ron: What, a guy can’t call his radio buddies to chat? Isn’t this talk radio?

Ben: Of course! I’m just-

Ron: I’m just messing with you, Ben! I actually do have a topic of discussion for both of you. A bone to pick, if you will.

Sammy: Oh wow, let’s hear it!

Ron: Well it seems that damn near every time I turn on 660 AM you two ruffians are fighting with somebody or getting tossed out of public places. I’d be proud you boys are about to level up your man cards! But I’m a little offended you didn’t come to me for help.

Sammy: With the fighting and getting kicked out of places.

Ron: I’m only partially busting balls here, but it’s partially serious too. You fellas with your fighting, as hot as it may be, ain’t the best for you or us who like listening.

Ben: Let it be known, I was not fighting! I am not a fighter.

Sammy: No, you were sabatoshing and throwing hush puppies!

Ben: Whatever, it still wasn’t a fight!

Ron: Hell, I wouldn’t classify what Sammy the mirror was doing as fighting either, you have to land some strikes and grapples to be a fight! You gotta actually make your hand into a fist to be a fight! Looked like a springtime, fully clothed, roll in the hay! I’ve had dates rougher than that quote unquote fight.

Sammy: Well, uh, obviously, you know I let my emotions get the better of me and it went arye.

Ron: Oh, whatever, Sammy! Not everyone’s meant to be a warrior. What I’m trying to tell you both is you fellas just need to do your fighting over the radio airwaves. You keep the physicalities to the professionals! You’re a bright spot in a lot of people’s nights around here and we can’t have you getting thrown of the air for rabble rousing and half-assed MMAing the jackass mayor.

Sammy: I think I get what you’re saying and we appreciate it, Ron. Believe me we will keep fighting the good fight the only way we know how.

Ron: With your sweet little mouths.

Sammy: I was going to say minds, but sure.

Ron: Alright, fellas. I can hear my radio going off like a son of a b-(beep) in the shop. Better go see what kind of damn fool would be trying to get me in the middle of the night. Take it easy fellas.

[The phone hangs up]

Ben: He’s a trip.

Sammy: He’s something. Line nine you’re on with Sammy and Ben.

[Magical twinkling music starts]

Ben: Oh no, hang it up, Sammy!

Sammy: Wait, what is this?

Ben: Seriously dude, this is bad news. Just push the button and-

Sammy: Hello?

Caller: Oh hello!

Sammy: Hello? We’re here, you’re live with Sammy and Ben.

Ben: Come on!

Caller: Oh splendid! I do love listening to you two!

Ben: Oooh, hi, Gwendolyn.

Sammy: (Amused) You know this lady?

Ben: Unfortunately.

Gwendolyn: It’s Gwendolyn! You’re such a smart cookie, Ben Arnold. So unlike your trailer trash friend Troy!

Sammy: Whoa, ma’am! If you could please not address anybody like that, we’d appreciate it. Sorry, Troy.

Ben: Remember when I asked you to hang up?

Gwendolyn: (Sarcastically) Oh I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to offend your liberal sensibility! I’ll do my best to shackle my first amendment right to freedom of speech. We wouldn’t want to offend, now would we?

Sammy: Gwendolyn, was it?

Gwendolyn: Oh, it is, darling.

Ben: There’s more to her name, Sammy.

Gwendolyn: My, my, Ben I didn’t realize we were bringing proper titles into this conversation! How fancy. 

Sammy: Oh, like a duchess of York or a princess situation?

Gwendolyn: Well, you could say that.

Ben: (Clearing his throat) Gwendolyn the Racist Witch.

Gwendolyn: It’s like a choir of purebred school children singing when you say it like that, Ben. Now I do prefer Gwendolyn the Hateful, but…

Ben: But one shoe fits better than the other.

Sammy: Gwendolyn, if I may be so bold-

Gwendolyn: You may.

Sammy: Obviously I’m grasping most, if not all of your title, but I’m finding myself a little… hmm.

Ben: Sammy doesn’t believe in witches.

Sammy: That is correct.

Gwendolyn: How very sad! Were you an underprivileged child, Sammy? You sound at the very least like white middle class. Do you not know what a witch is?

Ben: Uh, no, he knows what witches are, he just doesn’t believe in them.

Gwendolyn: Well I don’t believe in Muslim presidents, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have one!

Ben: Ooh, told you to hang up, Sammy!

Sammy: Ma’am, I’m sorry, but if you don’t have a topic that isn’t-

Ben: Racist.

Sammy: Right. Then we’re going to have to let you go.

Gwendolyn: Oh, but I do have a topic, Sammy. I would never call in just to waste your resources like welfare on those-

Sammy: Gwendolyn! I’m not going to let you use this as a forum to spew venom and hatred! There are plenty of other AM radio stations that will let you do that, but we certainly will not.

Gwendolyn: Oooh, strong! Forceful! I like it! You have some aryan in you-

[The phone hangs up with another twinkling sound.]

Sammy: Nope! I tried, I just can’t do it.

Ben: Try living with that your entire childhood! She lived a block over from my mom. You should’ve heard the stuff she’d yell out at little league games!

Sammy: Is that where you learned most of your large vocabulary?

Ben: (Coughing) Hardly! No, uh, line two you’re on with Sammy and Ben.

[The sound of outside night noises (crickets and wind and frogs) begin]

Caller: Oh hiya, Ben. It’s Mr. Sheffield. 

Ben: Hey, Mr. Sheffield, how are you doing this evening?

Cecil: Oh I’m just swell. It’s just so good to hear a friendly voice. Let me ask you something, have you heard from Esther lately? I’ve been putting in those booty-calls but I haven't heard a thing back!

Ben: He isn’t talking about Esther Rollins, is he?

Sammy: Hi, Cecil, are you talking about Esther Rollins from Esther’s Sewing Corner?

Cecil: Ah, you betcha, bud!

Ben: We… I mean, he’s gotta know, right? She passed six months ago or so.

Another person in the background on the line: Damn it, can you hear me?

Sammy: I hate to be the one to tell you this-

Ben: Is that Herschel in the background?

Herschel: Hello!

Cecil: Oh, I know she passed, fellas! But she was still answering her secret number and moseying on over for the longest time!

Sammy: I- I’m sorry… what’s that, Cecil?

Herschel: Did you get those butternut f-(beep) on the phone yet, Cecil? Stop talking about banging a ghost! Is that the dumbass duo? Give me that!

Ben: Are you guys out together… looking for Esther?

Cecil: Oh no, I was just wondering about her and thought you boys were in the know and could help. Me and my best friend are out on the lake tonight and we’re fishing-

Herschel: Don’t tell ‘em, you no good penis wrinkle! This is Herschel F. Bomgardener’s find! Tryna take all my glory. Son of a (beep).

Cecil: I’m sorry. Hersch really wants to tell you guys something. Can you call me back though? About sweet old Esther...

Herschel: Oh Jesus, not one damn person in this town who wants to hear about Cecil Sheffield laying the old ghost post. I’m tired of hearing about it my damn self! You listening King Falls AM?

Sammy: Hi, Herschel.

Herschel: Well don’t sound so excited, Stevens. I’m just dropping the biggest old breaking news money shot all over your face. 

Ben: That’s an image! Uh, what can we do for you?

Herschel: Well for starters, how’s about kissing my ass? And don’t you take a tone!

Ben: There wasn’t a tone! I swear!

Herschel: I’ll never understand your generation. If I talked like that to my elders I’d never have made it past nine years of age! The damn factory foreman would have skinned my hide. 

Sammy: It sounded like Cecil was about to tell us something, and you mentioned breaking news? Is that correct?

Herschel: I’m getting to it! Damn it to hell, boys! Like I used to tell Edna; slow and steady wins the race. Better hurry up, though I’m about to fall asleep. 

Cecil: Hey, Herschel, I don’t think this is Kingsie...

Ben: Kingsie? Is something wrong with her?

Herschel: Do I look like doctor f-(beep) lake monster to you, Ben?

Sammy: What’s going on out there? I assume you two are out on Lake Hatchenaw? 

Herschel: That we are. Me and Cecil are out tonight trying out some new lewers. Real fancy stuff. 

Cecil: Hey, I’m sure this thing ain’t Kingsie, Hersch. 

Herschel: I f-(beep) heard you the first time, Cecil! Jesus Christ! Can’t you see I’m talking on the radio!

Cecil: Sorry, buddy.

Herschel: Ah if I had my gun I’d put that brain-dead dumbass out to pasture. Anywho… goddamn it, what the f-(beep) are we talking about? 

Ben: (Annoyed) You’re on the lake, testing lures.

Herschel: Right, uh, so we hit secret spots, and then, erm try to feel the Cecils out. And wouldn’t you know it, we found that old serpenty b-(beep) Kingsie, belly up.

Ben: What?! 

Herschel: Deader than Rock Hutchson’s affections for the ladies.

Ben: Oh man, I cannot believe that. This- This hurt. I gotta call Ron back.

Herschel: Ain’t no use calling that son of a b-(beep)! I was radioing on his bait shop the last twenty minutes to no avail! Figured he’d want to go out and say his goodbyes before Ray Chin comes out here and suzies her up real good.

Sammy: Ben, give Ron a call so he doesn’t hear about Kingsie like this.

Herschel: Ah she was a damn fine lake monster.

Cecil: (In the background) Herschel this ain’t Kingsie!

Herschel: Didn’t really mess with me and hecklewood, stayed out of my spots. I won’t miss her, but damn if I don’t salute her for knowing some boundaries. 

Cecil: Turn on your damn hearing aid! It’s not Kingsie!

Herschel: Oh, what now? I ain’t too old to dump you wrinkled ass right off the side of this boat.

Cecil: No! Give me the phone!

Sammy: Hey Ben, hold on a second.

Cecil: Hello? Is this Ben Arnold and his buddy? 

Herschel: (From the background) I let you have it you fardknocking old cuss. 

Sammy: You’re live, Cecil. Is what you found on the lake not Kingsie?

Herschel: Let me get a good look at this thing. Hey, shine the light over here, Cecil. Get a little closer.

Cecil: That light fell overboard in Kettleton Cove.

Herschel: G-(beep)-damn it! Watch your dirty cheating crumb catcher! You don’t know what kind of eavesdropping satellites are listening in to scout bots or the bass tourney. Mother f-(beep)!

Cecil: The light is gone, Herschel! Sorry.

Sammy: Fellas?

Herschel: Hey, this may not be Kingsie. Quit whistling f-(beep)-ing dixie and get us closer!

Sammy: It’s not Kingsie, Ben.

Ben: Ohhh thank goodness! What is it?

Herschel: Jesus, I think this is a dead body!

Sammy: It’s a dead body.

Ben: That’s much better than Kingsie… so young… WHAT?! Wait, what?! Again?!

Herschel: It’s all wrapped up in something. But it smells human to me. Pull over closer, Cecil. Jesus Christ, do I have to give you a haunted hanty to get closer to the g-(beep)-damn body?

Cecil: We’re going to go closer.

Sammy: Why don’t we let you guys go so you can call the sheriff’s office. 

Herschel: Eh, it’s so damn dark! Where’s my million candle lamp, you dumbass.

Ben: I’ll call the sheriff’s office. Where are you guys at on the lake?

Cecil: You know I can’t rightly tell you, Ben. Shhh, it’s a secret!

Ben: This is a little more important than the bass tournament, Mr. Sheffield!

Herschel: Don’t you tell ‘em! Tell those pansies to send the coppers to Begley’s. We’ll meet them there. Your big mouth has already broadcasted too much!

Ben: To Ron’s, got it. I’ll make the call, guys.

Cecil: Hey, what’s that noise? Do you hear that, Herschel?

Herschel: Sounds like they’re right over the treeline. We could shine the light if you hadn’t tossed it in the lake!

Cecil: Oh hush!

Herschel: Fifty nine ninety-nine at Sears and Roebuck. Don’t think you won’t replace it-

[There is a loud crashing sound like thunder]

Cecil: What the heck is that?!

Herschel: Well Charlie f-(beep)-ing foxtrot!

Sammy: What’s wrong, guys?

Cecil: Look at those lights… Oh, pretty colors… beautiful…

Sammy: Lights? Is it the UFOs?

Herschel: Gosh, those damn rainbow lights again. We’re not going to catch nary a f-(beep)-ing fish tonight. Son of a buttered up, biscuit eating b-(beep)!

[King Falls outro music and credits begin]

References:

Yoda: a fictional character from Star Wars known for his wisdom and fighting against the ‘dark side’

Glory holes: I’m sorry I’m not going to explain this one… If you’re over 18 feel free to look it up, if you are not please don’t.

MMA: Mixed martial arts

Rock Hutchson: A gay actor

Sears and Roebuck: department stores

Charlie foxtrot: military slang for a chaotic situation

Characters:

Sammy Stevens, Ben Arnold, Leland Hill, Deacon Reggie, Reverend Xavier Hawthorne, Ron Begley, Gwendolyn the Racist Witch, Cecil Sheffield, Herschel F. Bomgardener.