#the thick hot chocolate makes me so uncomfortable its so gross i hate how it feels in my mouth eugh

[stiffyck]

You know when u order hot chocolate and it's THICK. Like that's the worst thing that could happen. I wanted a very sweet drink not a fucking sauce what is this

[robuttsinyourthighs]

I'm finally letting what people think get to me. Strangers, too. Having one of my more self conscious worries actually confirmed has fucked with me so bad.

I'm morbidly obese. I get that. That alone can make people uncomfortable (shit it makes ME uncomfortable). I was okay with that.

Then my legs 'blew out' at the ankles. It's called lipedema. It's gross looking and shoes how severe my obesity has gotten and again- okay I get it. It's gross looking. Even I don't want to look at it. All these are things that have come about because of my shitty self control and shitty childhood and my resulting low self esteem.

Its fine.

I can't control other things that are genetic. Like my predisposition to get moles and skin tags from my mother's side, or my massive 11.5 us women's shoe size thanks to my dad, and I cannot help my thinning hair. My dad is bald, my brother is bald, my grandpa was bald, and my mother has thin hair. Now I have some form of psoriasis on top of it so I'm extremely upset about how in look because that was my one pride and joy growing up was my thick hair.

Driving for uber last night I had some of the nicest customers, great riders and all very well behaved or sweet for being shit faced. One girl told me for about an hour that I should do pod casts andthat sheet liked my voice and I felt so on top of the world that me, someone who loves voice actors and vocal talent, had someone enamored with my monotone blabbering. One guy kept saying I wad the best and kept trying to kiss my cheek and I frankly hate being touched unless I deeply know the person or feel safe but last night it was... It was all fine. I was so happy.

Then in the morning I had these runners m these people were going to the saint Louis hot chocolate run. All of them wearing ridiculous amount of running clothes, multiple sweat bands, poof vests, leg warmers... Some real 80's feels. They were in a good mood and so was I.

Rider: so your hair was purple in your profile. Now it's not. You changed it to a normal color?

Me: yeah, haha it was a wig really.

Her: oh, a wig? Um.. Any reason why..?

Me: well I have some form of female pattern baldness from my mom's side of the family so I wrote it to-

Her: *frowning and looking away* say no more

Me: -build my confidence up...

Her: *again but quieter and put off* its fine, no more.

And it just now hit me how much I've wondered how many people were put off byn my appearance, the one aspect I cannot control, one of the main things people see. And I just. I can't. I don't want to be around my pretty friends and hear them dislike things about themselves, I can't continue trying to keep up as the fat weird friend.

I'm tired

I'm so tired of trying to not seem like a shut in

I don't want to go squeeze into movie theatre seats far too small for me

I don't want to rush to alter my only dress at the last minute while I watch my friends go buy clothes from affordable stores that carry their sizes because I have to prioritize bills over getting a single use overpriced dress.

I'm tired of going to conventions where everyone strides ahead of me because my current gate is a painful hustled waddle.

I'm tired of watching my friends party and live while I'm just wheezing and trying to get through the evening without tripping or spilling something or anything that will make anyone look at me in any light other than one of "oh she's so funny and outgoing"

I'm tired of feeling like I need to keep up. I can't. I'm so fucking tired.

I can't keep being the ugly dumpy friend in group outings. I love my roommates, I love my friends, but I don't love myself. No amount of "there there"s will ever make me love myself. I'm tired of feeling like I have to love myself or else it's an insult to my friends and family.

"I love you! Why can't you appreciate yourself!"

I know me. I know I have good values on some things, I like to think my moral compass is pretty on point, but when it comes to living myself as a person, as this ugly blob of just being present, I'm not in it to win it. I just can't