#the obession will never end it's 2023 i am 30 years old I am no longer in love but i LOVE Jess so much

[rudeflower]

for an anti-establishment little guy he sure wears an army camo shirt all the time

[kakahut]

Death and Living.

I haven't written anything here for quite a long time. I didn't even remeber what I have written last time.

Life is confusing and had so much up and downs.

i can't believe I am 35, living a quite hipster life with no children, no man and a single apartment with limited savings. 2023 was tough, and 2024 is even worse, I sort of giving up the idea of looking for a full time position but do some projects on my own. Now, I have a company.

I was lucky that I always have friends who can be there for me. I really appreciate Vincent's support during the worst moment of my life and I never expectd to have a friendship like that after my 30s.

I am not happy happy, but I enjoy my life most of time and I know I am quite lucky. I honestly have very limited time thinking about men or dating as I really enjoy being around just with friends. Dating for me is draining, especially after what happened with Rob last September, I realized that my old habits die hard, my obession with "broken men" won't disappear in one day. I know I don't want them near my life anymore and I still don't know how to connect with the normal ones ( are there any out there anyway? lol) I am really more peaceful and happy to be with myself, my friends, my cats and my family.

A recent incident dragged me into old memories, Tommy died in a motocycle accident and I was the first to know in our circle. I was in shock and I almost forgot who he is and what happened between us unitl this message. All the memories I had about him starting to flow around in my head recently as I am trying to see if I can find any trace that I can feel sad.

Honestly, I don't feel a thing, for a moment, I feel he deserved it. It's his karma. Then I critisized myself of being mean as we did have good moments but then the horrible memory came back, the night he dragged me into the backdoor of a stairway trying to prevent me from telling the other girl about the entanglement we were having, the horror I felt he might hurt me eventually. The anger, the monster I was turning into after being peaceful for many years startled me. I knew I deserve better than that.

I cut off this circle immediately, I also cut off my friendship with Will because I know these are no longer good to me anymore .

I didn't realize it could be that easy as I was also feeling head to toe for a while. He was my muse, and some of his quality reminded me of Min ( they actually are very different people ) really sparkled my creativity and I felt sad that day I saw his true color because I felt I might not be able to create more work. Funny the reality was I made more work during my healing period at Vincent's apartment, I no longer draw feelings about men, I got inspiration from everything, from nature, from the understanding of myself.

I think the message of Tommy's death is a sign the universe is sending me. I knew one more piece should be made to put an end to a story, a story about illusion and expectation, a story of me chasing some shadows from the only relationship I cared in my life, I call it the PTSD of a young love syndrome.

That night, I had a dream about Min, after all these years, it was so vivid as if the past years never happened, we were still in that apartment on 1500 Walnut street, cooking and talking, felt so familar, just like old friends. He said to me " I wrote a review of each letters you sent to me" and I laughed and said " It's so you and I know you are the only person I know would do that." I woke up, looked around and knew I am back to my reality, no Min, no Philly, no Tommy, just my 2 cats cuddling next to me purring.

Life is an illusion overall, I just jumped from one to another, the bounary between reality and fantasy is always so blurry. Reading Buddhist texts are the best practise I did this year to go through hard times, it makes me more calm and stable. I have been so obssesed with the idea of love, the wanting of acceptance that I have neglected in this process, I should also be cared for.

To Tommy: I will foget you again but I will not forgive you even you were dead, you don't deserve it and you still don't deserve it.

Vincent always says that I should stop my obsession with my ex and move on and he is a bit tired of hearing my story always circling back to the same guy. I freaked out a bit when last week he mentioned his college roomate was a Korean guy from Michigan. It took me a week to ask what his name was, and he laughed and said, "I don't think you would have dated my roomate, Carol. He was a very quiet guy and he is married and have 2 children now."

All of a sudden, I felt a bit embarrased. When most of your friends are settled and focus on raising their children and in your head you were still thinking about a past illusion, I feel I was not improved and upgraded to a better version, as if I was stuck in the save level of a game over and over again. His words reminded me I should not be dragged back to past just because I enjoy the comfort it provides. 不要贪恋过去，这样我会感知不到现在，也就无法创造未来。

I rethink the idea of love. I belived even we were apart, my love should not die and if it fades away, then it is not true love. Now I was wondering, I am just enjoy the idea of it too much and the "love" didn't grow at all it was packed in an old box, it's a vintage. Most connection flows and nothing really last forever, things only can last if we put constant effort into it.

i have maintained this light connection for years because I really dont want the forget that version of myself, however, he is no longer who he was , neither am I , so this love has changed over time by itself.

I really wish Min can be happy, I might be jealous that he is happier than me now, but eventually, I deeply wish the best for him as he deserves good and healthy connection just like what I deserve.

So it's time to stay afar, wishing the best for him instead constantly remind him and myself of the past.

I don't know if I still "love" Min ( I want to love myself more first) , but I wish all the best because I really really really really care about you, and this won't die.

I really really really really really loved you with every breath I had and I tried to give you everyting I had to fullfill your void, and I would never do that for anyone else becasue it is not healthy. However, I can't deny it is romantic, innocent, and vivd that it is so beautiful. It is such a beautiful story.

So 2024, I will stop.